Triforce! - Triforce! #92: Good Night, Bawbags

Episode Date: February 27, 2019

Triforce! Episode 92! Knock knock, your podcast is here! Pyrion had trouble on a Sleeper Train, Sips isn't bitter about Twitch Rivals and Lewis is in a glacier! Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the Triforce podcast with me, Lewis, period, flax, and also zips. We have a Patreon now. Straight in. I wanted to get it out of the way really quick, you know, like just wanted to get it right out of the way. I made a Patreon after like Tom was editing the audio podcast and he was like, have you made a Patreon yet? I was like,

alright, fine. So I threw up the crappiest Patreon I could and it's up and so it's official just in case you guys saw it and it wasn't official. I love the tears that you put in there. They're just so fucking half-assed like you could tell that we're so dedicated to... Well, I needed you guys'

help and no one reply We want to we want to give back some quality stuff for that hard money Yeah, you know what it's like you need help with something you said it email out some people and no one fucking gets back to You and it's like well, I just stuck it do it almost do it on my own and then there you go That's what you get. Yeah shit So if you want to support the podcast and keep it ad free, you can donate to the Patreon. There you go.

That's it. We're not going to plug that anymore. Yeah, so make sure you go to patreon.com forward slash, what is it? Triforce podcast. Triforce podcast. And there's all sorts of really exciting tiers.

Like you can buy weeds for my tortoise that you don't even need to buy. You can just literally pick them from the side of the road. Wine for me. Pretend that I buy them from the side of the road. Wine for me. Pretend that I buy them anyway. Get some wine for P-Flax. Or cider.

Get some wine for Terry as well. Get him a bowl of wine. Yeah, get Terry some fucking wine up in here. Why didn't Terry get any wine, huh? What's up with that? Yeah, fucking Terry wants some wine. He just wants a bit of fucking wine. I think these tiers might change as well.

But I think they're kind of like locked. So once, I don't know, anyway. There's also a jug. I talked to Mike about making a glass trifles jug today. these tiers might change as well but i think the um they're caught kind of like locked so once i don't know anyway there's also a jug i'm gonna talk to mike about making a glass trifles jug which leads us perfectly into something i want to mention something new that's happened to me in my life uh recently guess what i got guys prison sentence no i got an 800 milliliter jug uh to hold water in uh so i can i can make sure that i'm at least drinking a bit of water a day it's like one of those um reusable things you know like it's not like a crappy water bottle it's like one of those ones that you see people using at the gym or whatever i'm of course never

going to use it at a gym but um my garage is my gym it's like a mental it's a mental gym it's i do my mental workouts in my gym so first's like a mental gym. It's like I do my mental workouts out here. A mind gym. A gym off the mind. So first of all, you are supposed to drink a certain amount of water every day, right? Like five glasses of water or something. But that's always very arbitrary, right? You get a lot of water from your food.

If you eat fresh fruit and vegetables, you'll get a lot of water that way. Well, listen, okay. I mean, I eat my fair share of vegetables and fruits and stuff, but I wasn't getting enough water. I was vaping a lot in my garage, which was dehydrating the shit out of me. Very dehydrating, yeah. And I was not drinking water. And honestly, sometimes my piss was like sludge.

It was just barely coming out. I was so dehydrated. God damn. It should be almost completely clear. I'm not into New Year's resolutions, but I just thought, you know what? I just need to start drinking some more water because I'm going to die. I drink a lot of water all day. That's good.

That's good for you. My pee pee is so clear. It's like a sparkling river of diamonds shooting out of my dick. Some people have the problem of peeing too much. With the visual I got there. Yeah. So, yeah. Like if you're just peeing too much, you want to go and see a doctor if you're not peeing too much. With the visual I got there. Yeah. So, yeah. Like, if you're just peeing too much,

you want to go and see a doctor if you're not peeing enough. Yeah, because peeing too much can be a sign of diabetes, apparently. That's true, yeah. You could have the diabetes if you're feeling like you need to pee all the time. I think, like, the big one for that is, like,

you do a real big piss, like a racehorse. Have you ever seen one of those things, piss, where it's like a waterfall coming out of their dick? Speaking of piss, I went to visit my Nana this weekend. If you do one of those, if you do one of those gigantic waterfall pisses, finish

up and you feel like you need to go again almost right after, go get checked because you might have the diabetes. Go on, Lewis. So my Nan's in an old folks home. Is this a recent thing? Smells a little pissy. Well, she actually wanted to be in one because she was sort of struggling to sort of look after herself.

No, she listened to the Triforce podcast. She listened to the Triforce podcast where I said that all those old people do is have sex. That's why. Anyway, carry on. I don't think that's what they're doing, at least as far as I know. It's like carry on camping camping but it's in a retirement well she's 92 so you know she's fairly fairly you know i i feel like she's the kind of lady

who struggled to look after herself when she was young let alone you know old she's a bit i don't know she she never for me like my nana was never particularly like a home cooker she was a microwave meal or frozen meal kind of kind of gal but but and i don't know like she she kind of just lived a little bit of a different life you know she she grew up when the war was was sort of just on really i mean she was sort of when you're 92 you you kind of your your childhood years were during the war which is kind of a weird time to be alive and her three sisters have all died. So she's kind of on her own, really. And so, you know, my family's nearby.

And she did know who I was, but, like, occasionally she'd kind of, like, just a little bit lose track of who I was, like, occasionally. She thinks that you're her brother and stuff sometimes. Yeah, or her son. She still thinks that you're 11 years old and stuff. Yeah, but, you know, when you've got a big progeny of grandchildren And great-grandchildren She's got some great-grandchildren now

It's difficult to keep track Yeah, true So, you know I can give her an excuse for that No, she was very chipper actually She was very jolly We had a good time Nice

Chatting about all sorts of stuff I always find it interesting To chat to her about stuff she's not very good about what happened in the last year but she knows exactly what happened you know like 30 years ago when she was on holiday that's that's like you can draw out all these really interesting stories yeah that's a that's a bit of dementia like my grandma had the same thing she was like she couldn't she couldn't remember what you said two or five minutes ago but man she could like go on about like her childhood like there's no tomorrow it's a little bit kind of the same story like i'm not being funny but that's us lads that's literally us

well i mean i think everybody develops a little bit of dementia going forward i think this podcast should be called i know i've told the story before i think i've told the story before but well i've got two new ones well listen i i just want to i just want to touch on this quickly though i all we do all day like i i don't know if you guys remember i probably mentioned this before funnily enough i'm gonna mention this but like the like uh the other day somebody is like you should do a vlog and i it's crazy because all we do all day is talk to to people on the internet right so like all all of my stories are exhausted all of my everything unless I've done something really exciting that day I got

nothing new to say like it's I've said it all like it's like 8 to 12 hours a day constantly of talking like you're going to cover everything right oh god so it's like yeah no you're right it's not I don't think we're going insane I think that it's just you know you can't so it's like yeah no you're right it's not i don't think we're going insane i think that it's just you know you can't like it's like a stand-up comedian you can't go out with like new material every single day like it takes a long time you know like to develop all this yeah but i'm not gonna sit through like nine hours of sip streams to like find the good bits you know bring the good but bring the good bits to the show i mean you don't have any taste but some people out there really like really do and they will sit through nine to twelve hours of me talking speaking of fucking witch by the way i am sick to fucking death if i'm streaming in the evening here's what

i get where's sips anyone know what sips is up to hey period how's sips any terry updates isn't sips awesome in my fucking chat. Last night, that's all it was. Like half the fucking people were there to talk about you, you motherfucker. I told them to get the fuck out of my channel. They love you so much. Go watch your shit. Go watch a fucking Sips vlog. Well, I wasn't on at the time, though. That's why they were like craving updates. They wanted to make

sure I was okay and they wanted to you know, they wanted to know what I was doing and stuff. They haven't seen him for like half an hour. Yeah, they hadn't seen me for like half an hour yeah they hadn't seen me for like half an hour I used to have a command in my chat that I think is exclamation mark Lewis and it says no Pyrrion does not have a tracking device inside Lewis and does not know where he is

because that's all I got asked where's Lewis is Lewis playing this evening where's Lewis what's Lewis doing so now he's like Lewis for a year with you though I remember you did you quit me it was a real harsh breakup i think in the business they call it you punked out on right on flax you punked out big time you did so all right lads i i got back yesterday from from edinburgh oh yeah

what the what the fuck can i just ask what the fuck were you doing there what are you talking about it's a beautiful city so it's like i know i'm jealous i want to go north it's gorgeous i want to go yeah i really want to go so i went there with mrs f because it's half term right so uh the kids went to my mom's we went up to edinburgh we went on the sleeper train right and we were there for one full day stayed in a beautiful hotel and then we came back again by sleeper train so we basically had most of that day because you go at like 11 at night the train is like 11 at night you get on the train at 11 you stash your shit you go to sleep you wake up in wherever you're going so in this case it was edinburgh let me tell you this was the worst fucking train ride i've ever had in my fucking life on the way up there it was a terrible train

dude just i don't i'm not to sidetrack you but somebody posted remember last week on the yes we we post we said send us pictures of where you're where you're listening to the podcast and tons of people did and thanks so much it was super super interesting to see people's like a little insight into their lives and stuff is awesome so thanks very much but so this one guy sent a thing and he's like i'm on a scott rail train and it fucking sucks right now but this is where i'm listening to like the the triforce podcast and then scott rail what's so bad about the train is there anything i can help with and he just said no

yeah that actually that really uh that really i don't know i'm a sentimental soppy old fucker but it did make me very very happy to see all these people all over the fucking place really sending us pictures of their even the where they were the work in i couldn't believe some of them though what i could i think a lot of them were like bananas i mean there was like a personal favorite it was a guy his hot tub yeah a lot of people in a lot of snow i guess because it's still pretty cold in a lot of the world it's pretty mild here to be honest with you but i was just like wow this is this is really cool like all these people and they're all saying the same thing which is it gets them through a commute or it gets them through a day at work or they're they're

studying and they're kind of bored or they're in a lab somewhere doing something you know that one guy was like repairing electric bikes once you know how to repair an electric bike i guess his brain is an autopilot he knows what he's doing and he just wants something to zone out to and i'm glad that we we give them that but uh yeah it really it really cheered me up i thought that was really sweet i did get an instagram message from a lad who is a fucking pilot and he sent us a picture of him and his mate in the cockpit wow he's a fucking pilot him and his co-pilot listen to the Triforce podcast. Hopefully not while they're flying the plane. Well, why not, though?

You've got nothing else to do up there. Like, you know, like planes nowadays, they pretty much fly themselves. You just press a button. I played Microsoft Flight Simulator, so I know what I'm talking about. You just press a button and go into autopilot. And you just kick back and relax. You just press a button, go into autopilot, and you just kick back and relax. And the steward or the stewardess, whichever, comes in and gives you a drink.

And you just fucking fall asleep and wake up and land the plane. No problem. Fucking this guy at a stapler factory. It's a guy who sent pictures of his dirty dishes. There's a guy whose job is to put roofs on model buildings. It was amazing. We got a lot of people. Shout out to all of you.

And thank you. Every single one of you. Honestly, it was so fucking awesome going through the timeline yesterday. Oh my God, there's so many pictures. This is awesome. I love all the pictures of snowy ass America. People are fucking driving 500 miles to my job and it's like there's fucking snow everywhere i love that too um yeah so sorry for sorry for the train the train so well i i mean i took the train it was fine i always like walk to one end telling a

train i'm on a sleeper train okay so you get on the cabin you've never seen anything this narrow in your life like i couldn't walk into it like normally i had to sidle into it and you know me and mrs f are sort of bumping against each other it's like tiny little bunk beds you can barely get in so we sort of stashed all our stuff just about managed to fit in there and i thought this is going to be fine i'm just going to go to sleep and i'm going to wake up at edinburgh thought it was going to be like, you know, those modern Pendolino trains that are like super smooth. They go fast. You can barely feel them moving. This was not that. This was like some fucking runaway train experience at a theme park thing is bumping and rolling and it keeps pulling into all these sidings to pick up post, I think. So it's just, it's banging around all the time.

There was one point where part of the train was being separated and it was pulling it for such a long time to separate these two carriages and we're in one. I felt like I was being pulled apart by two much bigger objects. It was terrifying. And then this announcement comes over the town way.

I don't know if the editors could put like one of those train announcer voices modulators on that would be good because all right this is your conductor we're currently being attacked by a pack of wild bagpipes who are nipping away and having a right square go at the train biting off chunks with their bare teeth if you're thinking of having a wee sleep fucking forget it we're going full bore all the way so expect

some bumps and shimmies good luck you fucking ball bags peace out that was pretty much the fucking sentiment fucking hell wow that was I want that to be i want that to be real fuck these companies yeah fuck these companies though i mean seriously like give us some give

us an adult train service where that is the announcement on the thing you know like we're ready for it i think do you want to know the worst part the worst part all right is it's 6 a.m i've slept maybe two hours and at the point of 6 a.m you basically arrived but they boot you off at 7 so it arrives at 6 some people get off and leave other people like me sleep a bit because they're exhausted and then they boot you off about 7 7 30 or something like that now we did not order drinks and this guy, the steward guy comes around and he's got coffee for people and stuff like that. This is how he knocks on the door. Are you ready? Like that. Just tap, tap. But he was tapping on the next door as well. So it was like this. I don't know what this is. Because to me a knock is right

not this this is he hammering something is there something wrong with the train is this the train cooling down is it something mechanical it's like it's like that

that's knocking right but it was it was literally like something metal on something metal tap tap like he was hammering in a nail or something

like there was no indication that this was someone knocking at our door was there no wooden panelling on theing no no it's all it's all like a big sort of metal shitty door it's like when someone knocks on your door at home right like if you've got like a glass window you want them to knock on the wood around the glass you don't want them to come up and like fucking like you know on the glass like knock on i need a sound that is definitively a knock on the glass like fuck he was knocking on my door and the next door simultaneously. So it was like, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap,

for like five minutes. And I'm just asleep, half asleep, and I'm thinking, what the fuck is that noise? And I said out loud, what the fuck is that? He carries on. Tap, tap, tap, tap. So finally, he just opens the door and starts coming in. I was like, what are you doing? He's like, I've got your coffee.

I was like, I didn't want a coffee. It's six in the morning and so well i've got to give you this i said no you don't please go away and i shut the door because i was i was just losing my mind this tapping it was like it had got into my brain like i just became like a woodpecker it was unbelievable because i didn't know what it was it was so and i was so sleepy and confused and this is tapping i don't know if i'm dreaming or not it was. It was so, and I was so sleepy and confused. And there's this tapping. I don't know if I'm dreaming or not. It was such a weird noise. He goes away.

Five minutes later, a woman comes back. Tap, tap, tap, tap. And I was like, what the fuck is this tapping? I open the door and she says, I've got to give you this coffee. I said, no, you don't.

So we did not order the coffee. Just pour it away. I don't want it. She goes, no, please, sir. I have to give you this coffee. I was like, is it fucking poisoned? What is going on here? What is, the whole plan falls apart. The caper doesn't work unless you poison us with coffee so we just

maddie just says just fucking take the coffee and we just chucked it down the sink but it was the tapping stayed with me for like two days anytime i heard tapping it was like oh my god it was i can't even describe it just triggered you it was something uniquely brain fucking about it i went on a sleeper train one time um but we crossed uh borders on it so like i think we we took a train from like uh i think it was like barcelona to vienna or something like that wow that's a long it was it was a long one but it was like it was by design right we got on the train at like 6 p.m and we wanted to just like sleep for 12 hours and then wake up in in vienna or however long it took i can't

remember it was a long time ago but at 6 a.m it was it was a real pain shitting moment though and you was like what the fuck is this noise no no but like so you're traveling on a train and you're backpacking around and stuff and you know you've got your passport and your money and shit and you're keeping it safe and you're keeping it secret, just like Gandalf told you to. Yeah, keep it secret. Keep it safe. Yeah, you get onto the train, right? And because it crossed so many borders and you ended up in a different country when it was done, right before we were going to bed, some dude comes into our cabin. It was okay. It's a train, for fuck's's sake so it's not going to be like that great but we're just like getting getting ourselves ready to go

to sleep and stuff and like having a having a joke and a couple of goofs and gaffs and stuff and then you know gonna go to sleep and this guy comes in like the you know he's wearing a uniform and stuff he's like passports please we're like oh okay sure so like we we give him our passports and then he just fucking walks away we're like what the fuck is this guy taking our passports so like we we give him our passports and then he just fucking walks away we're like what the fuck is this guy taking our passports for like we're screwed like this guy i think we've just been robbed by a guy wearing a fake uniform he's taking our passports and now now we're fucking screwed so we just like went to bed thinking like oh okay well i guess like maybe we're just being like people trafficked. Like, I guess this is our life now.

The thought was that maybe we're just being paranoid. Yeah, yeah. But then, same as Flax, we have the tap-tap in the morning. Dude comes in and just gives us our passports back. And he's like, thank you. And we're like, oh, yeah, no problem. Okay, thanks. And then we weren't being people trafficked after all.

So that was the end of the story. But yeah. That's a relief. Pretty scary stuff. Yeah. So, yeah. people trafficked after all so that was the end of the story but yeah that's a relief pretty scary stuff yeah so yeah so just in case anybody ever takes your passport on a train where you're going across like multiple borders i think it's because they want to let you sleep while they give your passport to the border control and and it's it's it's actually really nice of them because i slept like a fucking baby that's definitely uh but there's room for a scam there dude oh there is

because i presume they don't come around and sneakily look at your face while you're sleeping and compare it to the passport picture so you could be anybody and if you buy off the guard he just walks around with a passport gives it to the guy then bomb you get stamped and you're in be careful yeah the eternal scam is always there there's always there's always a way to to scams to bribe someone you know even in 2019 yeah bribes in 2019 what's the world coming to you could just people traffic up to scotland no problem i did uh when i was in edinburgh i went up i went up arthur's seat which sounds dirty but it's just a mountain okay arthur's seat arthur's seat it's it's a it used to be a volcano okay it's true when what do When? What do you mean when? Like when?

Oh, last year. I don't fucking know. It's a volcano. I'm not saying it's active. I'm saying it used to be. You can look it up on the internet. It was formerly a volcano. There's all evidence of fucking volcanic rock and shit around there.

It's true. Look it up. It was a volcano 335 million years ago. What do you want? Not last year! I was joking. When? I mean... Who cares?

No, but if it was like a volcano at some point in the history, like 3D history... Yeah, 300 million years, that's not that fucking long, geologically speaking. That's nothing. There's volcanoes erupting right fucking now.

Yeah, but dude, I went up a fucking volcano, sucked my dick, alright? I'm fucking... I went up a fucking volcano. I had to suck his dick at the top of a volcano for you lewis i'm sure everyone's hopping over lava flows

and dodging pyroclastic shit it was a fucking volcano fucking suck his dick all right you're not doing it fast enough you gotta you gotta get on the shaft where's the video camera jeez oh wait you cut the balls get on the shaft. Where's the video camera? Where are the balls? Jeez. Oh, wait. You cut the balls and worked the shaft. Sorry, go for it.

You worked the balls. You went up a fucking volcano, sure. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. I saw for miles, absolutely miles. You could see all over Edinburgh, all the surrounding area. Lewis, are you debating that there's no active volcanoes anymore? Were you around when that one in Iceland exploded and all of the air traffic was halted for

like 10 years like it was cool it was in was it iceland yeah iceland right yeah with some name like something like that that's right yeah that's the exact one i love that i just just trying to say i went up a cool volcano and lewis is fucking fact checking it go back to reddit yeah i jaff jalla juckle yeah that's the one i jaff janna chuckle as well as from time to time but you don't see me bragging about it Lewis is fucking fact checking it. Go back to Reddit. Yeah. I Jaff Jalla Jockle. Yeah, that's the one. I Jaff Janna Chuckle as well from time to time, but you don't see me bragging about it.

No, well, look, I just, I'm sorry. I was picking holes in your story. I just, I don't know what you want. Like, I'm sorry. Do you want me to wait? Look, if I just wait to the fucking outside,

I was like, oh, it used to be, I visited a glacier at lunchtime. Because, like, yeah, because back in the fucking ice age, 300 million years ago, ice covered all of this area. So technically... Yeah, that's interesting, too.

I'm in a fucking glacier right now. It was a glacier. Do you know, like... There was evidence of a glacier there as well. Thank you for bringing it up, Lewis. Ha! Ha! You also visited...

It sounds like you had a great time. I technically went to the side of a glacier. It was. It was great. it was great you know modern geology a lot of modern geology was born at arthur's seat because the lad forgotten his name sorry scotland he looked at all the rocks he was like well this doesn't make sense and and he came up with geology modern understanding of geology you can look it up yeah look at the fuck up he looked up a rock what yeah he saw he saw a rock and he thought, that doesn't make sense. A man picked up a rock and was like, geology.

Found it. Bingo. I've done it. He looked at it. There's this bit where it's all split apart. The rocks are all split apart and sort of bent at a weird angle. And you think,

what's that? And he obviously went and had a nose around and he came up with a scheme and he called it geology. Job done. Back to London on the sleeper train. On the no sleeper train. Tap, tap.

Get some rest. Oh, don't do it. It fucking annoys me so much. sleeper train on the no sleeper train get some rest oh don't do it it was fucking annoys me so much i've been on some nice sleeper trains like i did a whole backpacking trip in um in the year 2000 it was i did a whole backpacking trip around europe and uh some some were very bad don't get me wrong like uh some some were some were terrible and i don't even want to really think about them ever again. Was this the one where you did it on an absolutely shoestring budget? Oh, God, yeah. But, man, some of them were super fucking nice,

like really luxurious, and we didn't really pay that much for them. I think we might have gotten bumped up randomly a couple of times because it was just a volume thing, right? Like every night we were on a sleeper train sort of thing. Right. Did you sleep on the sleeper train? Well, yeah the end the first couple of nights no i did not and then i just got so tired that i just started sleeping everywhere so like sleeper train included uh i think that's the thing like if you if you go on a sleeper train if you come out of just like having nice perfect rest at home and then bam you're on a sleeper train yeah you're not

gonna sleep like they're not they're not great but yeah when when you're like about to die from tiredness yeah you can sleep anywhere so like sleeper trains are great in that context for sure any train it could be a sleeper train if you try hard that's true but then the thing is you can just pay for seats on a sleeper train just sit there all night which you can yeah but i mean we just like we were gonna stay in we were gonna stay in like hostels and hotels and stuff and in the end we were just like some of these places were so dumpy and stuff we were just like fuck like why are we staying in these dumb places when we can just fucking visit a new city every day and just sleep on a train to get there so that's real smart so our whole route like when we did it was let's

travel as far as fucking possible from here so we can get like 12 solid hours of sleep on a train and then just wake up in a new city, spend all day in the city, and then rinse and repeat every night. That's a really good idea. I really like that idea. That was awesome, yeah.

It was a lot cheaper. If you don't get travel sick. Trains don't tend to make me travel sick. No, I don't know why it is. They don't make, my youngest sometimes gets travel sick, but never on a train. Never on a train. It's always in a car, the backseat of a car. I make... My youngest sometimes gets travel sick, but never on a train. Never on a train.

It's always in a car, the backseat of a car. I can drive a car and not get sick, but if I'm sitting in the backseat of a car reading a book or something, I'll be sick for sure. Oh, you can't read in a car. That's the fucking worst, man. So when we got to our hotel, we were exhausted. It was still real early, so we just said, let's have a fucking nap. So it was like 10 a.mm trying to get some shy just just about to nod off and someone's you know the way sometimes something's happening you don't know what's

happening you suspect it's it's not worth the noise but someone's opening and closing a door like 20 times so it's like they'll open and close the door it sort of just wakes you up a tiny bit five seconds go past they open and close the door again another 20 seconds 30 seconds go past fucking door opens and closes again this went on for like 10 minutes this door is open closing i don't know what's going on but i'm furious and that's waking me up because i'm just like what is this door slamming just when we're done off again phone rings very polite scottish guy on the other end of phone goes oh hello just to let you know there's going to be the wee fire test uh at 11 and i was like for fuck's sake so i'm fine just as we're done off again theop whoop whoop the fucking fire alarm

goes on me and mrs f like we're just this is it we're not gonna sleep it's impossible so the next morning we're knackered right we're still

sleeping in 6am this lad knocks on the door 7am something like that with and he's like i was like well at least a human

knock for a change not tap tap not some weird fucking alien spoon on on glass not knocks on the door and mrs f is like what so she answers the door and he says here's your breakfast and she was like it's a little bit early isn't it because we ordered it for like 8 30 but he was like well sorry you know it says seven o'clock on your on your your door tag she was like pretty sure it didn't but fair enough takes breakfast and sets it down on the table wrong breakfast at some other guy so she calls up the front desk they have to come and get it so again

we're woken up early i was just like what what why why this is just one of those fucking trips which is not meant to get any sleep so we just drank welcome to to fucking life it's just i'm not used to it it was just unbelievable every time you tried to get something well I'm sorry sir you're gonna have to have this one I've got to give you just take it I don't want it just take it take the breakfast I don't want it

fucking take it I get breakfast you've got to eat it now we're in Scotland where am I going oh holy shit I can't

what a nightmare and then you climbed a volcano you were like skipping across lava flows you slid down a fucking glacier on your ass you fucking didn't sleep you fall asleep on the way down you fell asleep on the way up maybe i drank the whole thing train back you slept the whole way because you're so tired great story i

mean amazing what were you even doing there just family holiday just me and mrs f just wanted to visit edinburgh she'd never been to scotland she said to me i want to go away in half term we'll leave the kids with your mom you pick somewhere because everywhere she was recommending i was like no and then i finally said how about we fucking get a scotland because you've always wanted to go to scotland oh i'm so happy so she was delighted so we went to scotland she loved it absolutely loved it you've spent half the time looking in wall shops and kilt shops and i i waited. She was in there for like 20 minutes looking at fucking scarves and shit. She was sitting outside vaping like

like angrily staring down Scottish people going by. She never bought anything. She's like beaming going in and out kilt shops.

But she never bought anything. It's classic Mrs F. She loves to shop. She hates to spend. She just wants to look and she's like well it was really nice but it was 80 quid

so I didn't. I was like alright well that's pretty dear so let's find another place. Found a place really nice cashmere sort of thing. And she was like, meh, the color on the dots is a bit wrong. I was like, Christ. Luckily, there's like a hundred of them.

So we fucking spent the whole day looking at these things. I was like, can you just pick one and we'll buy it? But she just didn't. She never bought anything. But that's the joy of it. Like, I think that, you know, that's just part of the thing. All right, so when you shop, I don't know if this is a men women thing or a me mrs f thing it doesn't matter the point is when i shop i know what i want i go in i see something that

matches the thing i want focused and task oriented that's me yeah like i'm exactly that i need a list i don't i can't just go to a shop and and browse like i hate it i have to have a list of things i need to buy i'm in and out of there in five seconds right need a pair of shoes went into the shoe shop in kingston went in saw a pair i liked bought them yeah we were in and out in five minutes tried them on they fit i like them bang paid i did that the other day yeah i went and i i bought i went into a shoe shop looked at a pair of shoes, literally first ones off the shelf. I put them on, tried them out. They fit.

All right. I was like, all right, I'll take them. And the guy was like, what? I went into, I went into a shoe store. I was on, we were in Seattle. We were in Seattle for, um, for that. When we went to see Val, remember in Seattle, I went into a shoe store cause I, my shoes were falling apart.

So it was like, ah, I really need to get some new shoes. I'll get some while I'm here. And I went in and, um, I was like looking around and need to get some new shoes I'll get some while I'm here and I went in and um I was like looking around and um man you know like when that's the big mistake though when you're looking around you like you spend I was in there for like five minutes looking around and then I just got jumped on by like these these sales people they're like how can I help you today oh are you looking for shoes this crap. And I was like, you know what? Fucking listen to me, all right? I'm fucking almost 40 years old and I have two kids.

I just want to buy some shoes in peace. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to make a sales pitch on what shoes are cool and stuff. I'm going to get the wrong ones anyway. Just leave me to get these shoes and let me get out of here quickly. Yeah. But no. Oh, man.

It was so drawn out and like asking about how your day has been and like why are you here and stuff. And it's just like, for fuck's sakes, don't bother. Just save your breath. Like, Jesus. Like, we're not going to become soulmates at the end of this purchase. Like, you know, there's no – what's the point? I don't even find it nice. I just's it's annoying you're introverted though like like some people do respond to that i mean but for you i guess like anytime someone gives you the hard sell or

something they make it instantly gets me on edge like as well like is this something wrong with this you you now need to be a salesman to sell me the thing that i was was gonna buy before you start trying to sell it to me some sort of tactical genius like i was you know i was really of the mind of spending money on a pair of shoes like it you know like the sale is done just leave me alone christ they should have like a opt-in out opt-out button or something that flags you so that they leave you alone like you walk into the store and they say are you actually gonna buy a pair of shoes yes i am okay leave me alone like nobody needs to talk to you i had to buy a suit for um martin's wedding uh which is coming up this weekend oh nice you got invited

happy happy wedding yeah loads of people going from the office oh that's really nice yeah yeah and uh it's it's down across the country somewhere. Yeah, I didn't get invited. Well, yeah. Well, you can't invite that many people, Sips. I would assume you wouldn't go because you're a busy guy and you live in Jersey, you know? Yeah, but that's not the point though, right? I might be able to wang on it if you want.

It'll cost you nothing to just invite somebody who's not going to go anyway. You are invited. Come along. No, you can't do that. No, it's too late now. It's too late now it's your wedding i can get plus one you're gonna take him as your plus one you heard it here first folks it's finally been revealed live on the man i'm you know what i'm just imagining a wedding with all the people from the office in attendance and um god damn what this this this this it's i mean

yeah it's it's yeah, it's fine. The office is... That's the sound of digging. That is the sound of digging live. Well, you know... What? Go on, Stoops. What do you mean by that?

Take from it what you will. Okay. I'm just putting it out there. I'm putting it out there for you to come to your own conclusions about that. I'm just saying there's all of the people from the office who are all in the same space every day together anyway. Is Barry going? Is Barry going?

I very much doubt it. He's not a friend of Martin, is he? I really like Barry out of all of you and Sips. Sips and Barry, everyone else can. They're nice enough i guess yeah it's kind of like it's kind of like martin's friends like uh mark humes and nina and calf and let's let's let's do something that we wouldn't normally do okay guys let's do something you know you wouldn't normally do okay okay let's listen to this all right let's pretend for a minute none

of us are married okay we've just met the girl of our dreams and we're going to get married and we can invite anyone we want to to the wedding. Who would be your best man? Who would be your maid of honor? And who would you invite to the wedding? You can invite anyone. Go. This is a political minefield, isn't it? Like picking these people.

Can we pick famous people, but not people that we... It could be anyone you want. Just pretend anybody you would invite would would go and they know you enough and and like you enough for reals though i would i would invite i would i would i would invite you as my best man sips if you'd be up for it um you know what do you think? How do you feel about that? Right answer. Right answer. Flex? Sorry, P-Flex. No, dude, please. I'm not offended by that at all. Anyone who's offended by best man choices. You'd have to be a page boy.

Fuck you. I ain't been no fucking page boy. I'll be a... Page lad. I'm not sure I'd even want to come. Not hearing the news about the best man. do you know what i mean this is why it's a political minefield come dress as a volcano how about that just erupt that's a good idea yeah for me it would just be prince i would have um prince would be my best man prince would be my maid of honor and when prince turned

out he would be my only guest as well and then when prince turned up to the wedding he'd be like where's the lovely bride and i'd look at prince and i would say it's you prince it's you and i would marry prince so uh that's so you're telling me that he would go through with it because he's like well fair enough you got me yeah that's right that was really well orchestrated yeah it would be like an ambush sort of. Would you have it themed? Would you both wear really weird fucking costumes? Well, I think Prince would turn up like pre-cocked in that sense. He's always wearing those frilly jackets.

Dressed in like a white triangle with like gold trimming. Yeah, like Revolutionary War general outfit or whatever. I would have a wedding and all i would invite is porn stars yes i think that would be pretty fucking hype that after surely that would be the stag do no you know forget about it the stag do is even even more off the chain the stag do is just me and liz hurley but the main event is me and a whole bunch of porn stars. How about the stack do? Is you and Elon Musk in space drinking? If it had all porn stars, would it be a porn

theme as well? Would everybody be drinking out of dick-shaped glasses and stuff like that? No, no. The vicar would go, man, this outfit is making me hot. And then one of the bridesmaids would be like, oh, mine too. And then, you know, it would be like one of those,

a guy turns up to repair a washing machine. A woman comes. Vicar. The woman that opens the door to the church is wearing a really loose fitting gown and it keeps slipping open. She's like, oh, hi, I think you saw my boobs. Ha ha, like that. Like it would be that kind of theme.

But we'd all just play along with it. It'd be like LARPing. It'd be like LARPing, but with sex. You've made it all British and unsexy by using the word viking man my rope robe is really chafing me

mind if I take it off it's still going to be wedding themed it's tricky I've never done this I'm not a wedding planner it's all weird British porn now

and all the people have terrible English accents I don't like it we were talking about this yesterday and then so all the music

would have to be remastered to sound like twangy porn music as well right like you know like the but it'd have to be like like pornified you know so it'd have to be like yeah yeah so all the music would have to be changed as well i was having this conversation with rams just yesterday um it was a similar conversation about um a porn themed wedding but amazing yeah yeah so he had the same thought yeah it's pretty much it's because i went to scotland yeah i've been infected with all the thoughts it's because that volcano

you know what i did notice and this is definitely true, is that people up north will just chat to you in a way that people in the southeast will not. Like, we were in the pub, one of many that we went to. What do you mean? In Scotland, you were in the pub. Yeah, they'll just chat to you. So we're just sitting there having a drink,

and this guy next to me goes, he was actually a Geordie. So he was a slightly older fellow. He goes, so where are you coming from today? Where have you come from today and I was like well we're up from London he goes alright

and I said because I had no idea at this point I was you know I had a couple of drinks and it was a bar and I said where are you from

and he goes Newcastle and I was like well obviously and then he said oh we come here all the time me and the missus love it we love it

Edinburgh's a beautiful city and it's not far from us. It's only an hour and a half on the train. So I was like, well, you know, we had to go on the sleeper and it was crap. He goes, what was it like? Because I've always wondered what it'd be like to go on a sleeper train.

And I said, it's terrible. I don't recommend it. And he was like, oh, that's funny. And we just chatted for like an hour with this really nice older couple. And they were telling us about their kids and all the rest of it. It was like a real old person.

You beat up that volcano. Fucking. What? Man. I'm so done. Honestly, Flax, I think that you could do an entire episode of Postman Pat solo. You could do all of the voices. I would love to do that.

You could do the whole thing. You could do like the teacher with the Geordie accent. You could do like the Indian train driver. Like you could do the whole thing. You could do like the teacher with the Geordie accent. You could do like the Indian train driver. Like you could do all of them. How does Pat speak? Just like, just kind of, I don't know. He sounds like he's from like the south of England somewhere. How are you Pat?

Any mail for us the day? Not today, Mr. Newcastle guy. Don't know your name, the teacher. Yeah, we could do that. That would be funny. Yeah, you could Newcastle guy. I don't know your name, the teacher. Yeah, we could do that. That would be funny. You could do the whole episode. Can you do the Scottish lady? Pop your parcel through my mailbox.

I think my robe slipped open a wee bit. You can see my tartan undies. And you might have caught a sight of my bagpipes. Oh, my tatties and you might have caught a sight of my bagpipes oh hey my tatties are showing I don't show oh fuck me

you should do it that would be so funny just like just dub over you know like sometimes they do those dubs on YouTube just grab an episode and do your own, do your own track for it. Oh man. I would watch that. Oh, maybe that could be a stretch goal for the Patreon.

How do we feel like, how do we feel about a Patreon? Do we feel like we've sold out? We literally spoke about it. We have one. No, but like morally, how do we feel about it? I feel great. I feel great. feel great you've you you you really wanted to monetize this i did i'll tell you what i wanted to do in a way that

meant that people didn't have fucking adverts in the middle of the podcast we have had some offers for ads and i was like oh i don't want to do it was like well how to i want to get some money off this somehow you know did you guys did you guys hear about this big apex uh twitch rivals tournament that i wasn't invited to like twice two times in a row why like what's what's going on like how come um you know how what's i'm at a loss like why they want to they want the game to appeal to people right they want them to appeal to the young right we don't appeal to the young in in a way that a marketing guy can see they don't understand the dad peel you know the appeal to the young right we don't appeal to the young in in a way that a marketing guy can see they don't understand the dad peel you know the appeal of the dad the dad peel they don't get it

so to them it's like this person is old so are they are they daddest is that the problem i'm saying they're daddest yeah are you genuinely upset about not being invited to twitch rivals no it's like just kind of funny but but at the same time a little bit you're a little bit though what what what you would have to do like i don't expect to just be straight up invited but like what what do you have to do to get on that like do you have to apply do you have to know somebody do you have to be married to the right person like i think talk to harry you have to blow somebody like what like i i'm not saying i would do any of these things but like I'd certainly entertain the prospect a little.

Send a message to Harry. He'll probably be like, oh, yeah, I run the invites. I'll get you in. Yeah, he probably did the whole thing and didn't invite me. No, seriously, though. Those guys go out to TwitchCon. They should be able to hook you up, right? But anyway, we don't have to have adverts in the middle of the podcast.

We don't have to say, let's stop a minute and say, shout out to, I don't know, whoever. Audible seems to be a very popular one. Shout out to Costa Coffee, Best Coffee in Town. If you're looking for a nice pick-me-up on your way to work. Holy shit, this reminds me, actually. There's some advertising over here that is very questionable. I'm not sure if there's a regulatory body that controls how you can advertise or whatever.

But we were shocked. We were walking by this place. It's not a pub it's like a bar but they serve food and stuff there too it's like just a very casual like after worky sort of place and on the side of the building it's like are you lonely depressed need need somebody to talk to or whatever come on in and have a drink and i was like, what? You can't put that on the side of a building where you serve alcohol? That's like, that's crazy.

But that is the definition of a pub since 2000 years. You can't just be like really upfront about it. Oh, there's the door, lads. Hold on. It's crazy though, right? Like you shouldn't, it's like how they banned advertising cigarettes and stuff too right because like they were used to be on the side of f1 cars and everything remember players and all that and they and they had to ban it like how how can you advertise alcohol like that like preying on people i think they're advertising the company though like you know like that newcastle

guy going up to me p flex and not say drink away your sorrows no yeah that's literally what the ad was implying like oh you said come in and have a drink like you'll feel better i guess it's what that's crazy you can't depressed why not try hard liquor yeah exactly and it's it just seems like really irresponsible i mean i get that they want to sell spirits and make money or whatever but fuck me like i can't it's like if you went to the doctors and make money or whatever, but fuck me. I can't. It's like, if you went to the doctors and they were like, you know, I've been having these anxiety attacks and they're like,

okay, here's a prescription for a bottle of Jameson. It's like, yeah, yeah. Uh, it's nuts. I don't know.

Like guess who that was at the door, lads. Oh my God. Was it next door? Neighbors? We need a jingle for this. We need like a, if we have a Patreon now, we have our production quality has to go up a bit.? We need a jingle for this. We need like, if we have a Patreon now,

our production quality has to go up a bit. Like we need a jingle for this. Like, you know, like on TV shows where they're like, Who's at the door? Who's at the door? Who's interrupting the Trifles podcast today? We should. Postman Pat.

It was not Postman Pat, but it was a delivery guy. And it was this guy that knows that I'm always at home because I'm working from home. Oh, that guy. So anyone within 20 houses of me, he knocks on the door like a human or using the doorbell. And I have to take a parcel for one of my neighbors. And he's always grinning.

He's like, I'm so sorry, but is there any chance? I'm like, yeah, no problem. Like every time. And he always makes a joke that i'm always home yeah do you guys not have like the um we there's a system over here where like um they you you could have a barcode like just outside of your house or like in your porch or whatever and um you don't need to sign for stuff they'll just leave it in your porch and scan the barcode and they never need to bug you like you guys I don't have a porch. So right get a porch dead

Get back to me when you're at my level when you have a porch and will do all right. We're done. Thank you everyone Goodbye. See you next week with a bye. Bye. Bye. Bye