Triforce! - Triforce! #93 - Chef Ted, The Onion

Episode Date: March 6, 2019

Triforce! Episode 93! Chef Ted "Onion" Forsyth went back to school, Lewis took a book to a wedding and Sips rates vegetables! Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the Triforce podcast today with me on the very last day of February. Wait, is it the 100th episode today? No. Oh my- oh, okay. No, we've got another couple of months. Okay, we'll celebrate, though, when that one is out. Because that deserves a big party.

We'll get a cake. Have we not done 100 episodes yet? No. We'll have to have one candle. Because when it starts getting to 100 candles, that is a fucking bonfire on a cake. Let's have, um, like a big roman candle you know what i mean shoot it up into the air it is weird that the the older and more frail the people get the bigger the more dangerous fire we take them on their birthday you know yeah it's a sign

of respect though like because they've because it's uh it's symbolic to their life flame that burns so bright and has burned so bright for so long if you looked inside their soul at their life flame it would be burning as bright as a hundred candles and they're likely to fucking go up like a viking funeral pyre

first of all they've made it to a hundred Lewis do you not think they've learned to avoid the perils of fire at this point they've avoided it to 100, Lewis. Do you not think they've learned to avoid the perils of fire at this point? They've avoided all the shit that kills people normally. They fucking made it. I don't think that's how it works. I think it's like a graph, right, where you get better and better at avoiding fire

until you're about, I don't know, about dad age. And then you're like at peak avoiding fire age. And then as you start getting older, you start getting more reckless, falling off ladders, you know, accidentally setting fires too big, you know, plugging things in the wrong sockets. Do you know what I mean? Like you start like screwing out the wrong things,

like sticking things in the walls. Most old people kind of look like Deadpool under the mask though. So it's like maybe they haven't been so good at avoiding fire because most of them look like old, wrinkly, burns victims. I have noticed that in my 20s, I still felt the exact same as I did in my late teens. There was very little difference.

30s, I just looked slightly older than I did in my 20s, but I still felt pretty much the same. But once I got into my 40s, I started to notice that whilst the outer shell was only withering very slightly compared to my 30s, the inner shell was really starting to suffer. Yeah. And I've noticed that there are now increasing number of things that are just very slightly beginning to break down. Like I can't eat a lot of cheese anymore. Right. And that was one of my favorite things, was eating loads of cheese. I used to sit down when I was a young man,

get a knife and fork and just tuck into that wheel of fucking cheese. Just eat a load of cheese. Now I can't eat that cheese. Can't do it. I used to be able to get through at least half a wheel of cheese on a single sitting. Yeah, no problem. Now I can barely manage a quarter. It's really, it's quite upsetting for a big cheese fan.

Can't eat brie anymore. Can't eat it. Can't eat brie. Disagrees with me. And I'm starting to get, I know that in another 20 years, there'll be like a huge long list of shit I've got to remember cheese fan can't eat brie anymore can't eat it yeah can't eat brie disagrees with me and i'm starting to get i know that in another 20 years it'll there'll be like a huge long list of shit i've got to remember and i think it's a damn shame everyone's got shit that they can't eat that they but i think some people just eat it anyway and don't associate it with the fact that

it's making them far or making them like have a sore sore tummy you know people like you know i get a sore i get a sore belly every week and i also eat a fucking double cheese super pepperoni meat feast pizza on the on the night on friday it's kind of related though you know it can't it can't be like uh people don't link the correlation nobody wants to accept that their favorite thing could be causing them a tremendous amount of uh harm and pain though so like like, you know, that's why they'll look, they'll dig really deep and look for anything else that might be causing. Was it a waxing moon

last Tuesday? Oh, that must be why I had bad heartburn. The phase of the moon. It always gets me. I don't know what's going on with my gut. Was it because I was putting kerosene on my life flame? I was dousing my life flame with so much kerosene.

Of course, I had to drink it. It gave you a real heartburn. Yeah. That's what it gives you. Fuck it up. So I want to talk about streaming. I want to talk about streaming. Okay.

Because I occasionally do some... Can we do like a jingle and like as like a intro segment to it sure now we're going to talk about streaming talk about our daily job okay all right so this is this isn't about my stream which is a whole nother thing but i'm i was looking at the browse part of twitch where you just go around and look. I was clicking on various games and things. And you'll see something with like 8K viewers and you click on it. And there's like one channel with 7,500 viewers and a couple with like 10 and 20 and stuff like that. And I was watching a stream today which seemed to be a stream where a streamer watches another person's stream,

like a rerun of it, and reacts to it. So you know the whole react thing that there's been for a long time now now there's people live reacting to other people's streams like reruns of their streams dude had seven and a half thousand viewers i didn't understand what was happening like why is this getting so many views why is this guy popular because i couldn't even see he didn't say much he'd be watching the stream silently and then he'd just go like that occasionally this is what i'm talking about guys and like that was it oh yeah and i thought you could achieve the same thing you know those

little boxes where you push a button and it makes like an explosion noise or a fart noise or like that weird laugh that lewis was doing you could get one of those and just have it sat next to someone else's stream like a picture within picture and someone just occasionally pushes a button on that box and it goes like that and you'd get the same thing would it get 7k viewers i think it would yeah is that guy that had 7k viewers is that it would is that is that guy that had 7k viewers is that his like is that all he streams all the time or was this just him like for 10 minutes the 10 minutes that you happen to watch him stream i couldn't tell who the streamer was i could i think there should be like mass bannings on on youtube and twitch like like if you're like doing

that you should get banned i don't think you should be allowed to steal someone else's content i'm sure i mean he might but he knows the guy he knows let's tidy up twitch and youtube honestly like okay so i'll tell you what happened yesterday um i got access i got sent an email by youtube and it said dear creator uh we at youtube don't give a shit about anything as usual, blah blah blah, but we've introduced a thing called the copyright match tool. Frustrated by people re-uploading your content? Well now, in 2019, you can simply click a thousand buttons and remove that one video.

So I went in and I was like, I wonder if there's any matches on any of my videos and it's like a hundred thousand videos right okay i've yogscast re-uploads so it's like you know basic most of them is like the songs and it's like people doing top 10 minecraft songs and one of them has like 30 million views okay man and so it was like would you like to submit a takedown request and give this channel a copyright strike and i was like fucking hell yeah i would and i was like bam bam bam and i did it to every youtube video that had over 10 000 views okay right that was using our copyright stuff and i fucking copyright strike well i hopefully copyright striked all of them right um and i felt like an absolute asshole but so many of them were like russians or like bots or like arabic or like just just literally straight re-uploads all the re-uploads with the quality worse and i was like

there were a couple that were like slightly transformative and i left those like if like like a 10 hour remix or whatever i don't know, or like a sped up, stuff like this. Like I left a few of them. But like most of the time, it felt like I was doing my bit to like clean up the shit that's out there. You're like the YouTube sheriff is what you're saying. And I hope that all of those channels get banned from copyright strikes. And I hope that all of their content gets deleted off the internet.

Let's tidy up the internet. It's like a trash can. No, it's tidy up the internet. It's like a trash bin. No, it's not a trash can. It's the opposite. It's just trash lying around on the floor and I put it in a trash can and then burning that fucking trash can. That's what I would want to happen. Do you guys think, I listened to this debate the other day on TV,

I think part of the problem with the internet, and one of its strengths, but it's also a big problem, is the fact that it's anonymous. Think about the difference it would make if the internet was not anonymous. That's always been the big problem. Just imagine it. If someone leaves a YouTube comment or says something horrible on Twitter, you actually know who it was.

They actually have to step forward like a fucking adult and say what they mean and put their name to it, not just Poop Feast's 370 but the problem we have at the moment though is that it's not that it's it's not that it's anonymous we're not deleting like any of the the the shit because it's like freedom of expression and freedom speech is all tied to that it's like we give a value to anyone's contribution right and fair enough sometimes that's necessary to have like two sides of each argument but if one side is just provably wrong like on wikipedia there was a guy a wikipedian who did like a bunch of um an ama this week which was really interesting he looked

exactly like you'd think a guy who'd done a million edits on wikipedia yeah he did an interview and he was really he spoke in a way that used incredibly long words that i didn't understand in the manner that only someone who either is i am very smart or actually are like a wikipedian might use um but no it was it was a good ma he talks about it but but he talks about edit wars and how a lot of people like um will revert his changes when he's done them and he's like i don't care like do you mean he's kind of over it but i can see how that happens when you get two people with competing opinions like arguing like on the same thing same time with youtube like yeah shit like it's great to have all these

anonymous fucking comments but like some of them are just just trash like fucking delete help to get rid of this shit but that's the thing youtube and a lot of these places don't remove stuff like oh there was a big controversy this week, which I don't really want to talk about because it really made me angry. Someone used your cup, your special cup in the office? No. Somebody slept in your bed. It's like how on YouTube,

there's like these people who are basically... I was following this woman on... I saw some retweets of this woman on Twitter and she basically films her kids and then monetises them on YouTube and I get it, right? You've got kids, you want to make them do work it's done since the dawn of time

everyone, you know, back in the day used to have to have a lot of kids to get to work the farm you're saying this represents an acceptable thing to do with children You couldn't have enough kids and getting them working on the farm It's having a lot of kids and filming them and putting that on YouTube so other people can watch your kids and I don't know Vicariously enjoy your kids. I mean, oh I know what your story is about This is a people getting banned because weirdos were making comments on the kid videos

It's a two-sided thing though because yeah, it sucks that these people are doing that in the first place but like who the fuck is watching this shit like what i'll tell you who watching that kids little kids get your fucking kids off of that and get them outside doing some some decent shit and not watching living vicariously through some fucking make-believe world that some weird parent has created for their kid on youtube like that so let me ask you a question then sips you you never let your kids watch youtube they watch like specific stuff on youtube i would not let them watch like some other kid doing shit on youtube like like opening stuff or or like lifestyle type stuff like it's creepy and fucking weird they fucking love it how is it different from a tv show that's what i don't understand how is it different why is it different that it's someone has made this themselves rather

than the bbc because there was a show that my kids used to watch on cbbc where it's a little kid and it's like a half hour show a 20 minute show and they follow them throughout their day this is they're all they always seem to be from scotland it might have been in scotia this is my grandpa stefan he works at the docks loading fish into big boxes hello grandpa oh hello there we georgie are you gonna help me load the fish today you know that was pretty much it for half an hour now the kids are living vicariously through that little kid's life they're meeting his parents seeing him at school with his mates and stuff how is it different if you take that and just have someone make it themselves on youtube i don't see that well i think here's the deal right like there's massive rules around getting kids and

using them in making holly in hollywood and in and in tv shows and in and publishing and the quality of it has to be a certain standard it has to it has to be checked that it's not creepy or abusive. And the problem is on YouTube is that there's people deliberately having another kid so that they can monetize it for the next five years. And they also are like filming these kids and putting like these kids doing their... Oh, they're like, Timmy loves gymnastics.

Timmy goes to gymnastics and does the splits like like like those videos are very dodgy yeah, read like creepy stuff on the on on the internet and Cause huge problems and also these kids are gonna have to grow up like and be 12 years old in school They don't they I suppose they haven't had a say in it either, right? They're completely, they don't have a say in any of it. It's just, I don't think any, you know, you're not really posting pictures of your kids on the internet, you know, regularly. Only on private Facebook.

Especially in embarrassing situations, you know. But I do think those are extreme examples, and I do hope that YouTube stops them. I know, I don't think they are extreme examples. I think this is happening as a absolute plague on youtube and on places where there's it's unregulated it's the it's the wild west of the internet still and you know youtube used to have this attitude of you can't have an account if you're 13 or under if you're under 13 and you can't you shouldn't be i don't think we should be you should be even on that but youtube love it they they actually it makes a lot support it but it's all kids watching it that's the thing it's little kids

i agree i i get there's a legitimate like big audience of creative kids who are making cool content like and kids who want to watch it too i understand who's watching and stuff and i'm sure a lot of it is legit but it is a breeding ground for massive problems i agree but i will i will really really some of the stuff i will i will say in defense of it some of the stuff i've watched it with my kids and it's little kids streaming and playing games and they can relate to them because they're like they say the same stuff that they hear at school so my kids have picked up a whole bunch of catchphrases and stuff that they've got from these other kids that they watch now i would rather that they were watching other kids

than watching some fucking grown-up streaming, to be honest with you. I find it weirder that a little kid connects with some dude in his 20s than it is with a 10-year-old watching a 10-year-old play games. That, to me, is far more normal than having them watch someone who's three times their age and still trying to act like them. That's what really fucking weirds me out,

because I'm like, fucking swear, you big puss. You're fucking fucking 30 you just fell off that cliff say fuck me this is this game fucking sucks but they can't so they just go oh fiddle sticks and i'm like grow a pair of balls and start streaming for adults mate leave the kiss exactly oh peaches you know it's literally like that that's what i was told yeah oh you had to say like oh and then a food stuff like oh burger king but then isn't it triple whopper that we're weirded out by kids being on youtube but it's it's i mean yes this this is where the problem comes in there are some fucking pedos out there that want to watch kids on the internet. But there are always going to be kids in the media for these fucking freaks to watch.

How do you stop that? Unless you remove all children from all forms of media. I think it's impossible. You've got to just try and do your best to police it. Yes, there are some fucking weirdos out there, but Jesus Christ, we can't live our lives. We can't let our lives be ruled by the weirdos. I think there's other problems attached to it, though.

You see, I don't know, just a picture of this kid who's four years old and wearing makeup and stuff and putting a dress on. And his mum's like, I'm supporting this. And I'm like, yeah, good for you for supporting and stuff. But can he really give consent at that age to have this stuff permanently on the internet now? Like, forever? I don't like it when it's the parents manipulating the kids. I fucking hate that. Or monetizing the kids.

Like, those parents who prank their kids and all that kind of shit. Yeah. That's awful. But you're kind of manipulating your kids just by having them on there in the first place, right? Yeah, yeah. It's tricky. As much as they would want to do it or think that they want to do that, exposing yourself out to the masses like that

is is something that you like need to think about before you do it and uh and you have to become equipped to be able to deal with like you said all these fucking people who leave shitty comments and like the anonymous like people who are going to troll you on the internet and stuff like that like yeah when you're an adult and and you've been around that for a while or whatever you can pretty much cope with it i guess like if you're if you're able to but like as a kid i think ban them just ban all ban them all ban everything like just let's get some bands out there let's tidy the internet up oh my god let's just ban all these people who are re-fucking uploading ban all the people who are reacting-fucking uploading ban all the people who are reacting to shit

ban all just not even three strikes like just just look don't do it ban like if you want

if you want like you're gone delete everything they've done ever I don't care no one's gonna miss it there's so much fucking shit already

they can make a new channel and start again and then get banned again right let's just fucking ban them no no strikes none of this shit oh i made a mistake oh i didn't need to i might do it again they do it again like

fucking just ban them get rid no we don't need them we don't need them though leave it leave it open let people do what they want the the thing is is if any of this stuff gets viewed in the first place it's the fucking idiots watching it's fault for what's the caveat mtor is that the rule you're applying here i'm saying is if oh if it's bad so tough shit you shouldn't abort it i mean you know just because you watched it mate no it shouldn't be there it shouldn't be there watching it as well it's not like you accidentally watched it you're an avid repeat viewer of garbage and you're supporting it and it's your fault but maybe sips if we take the garbage away they won't watch garbage it'll always come back though

it because it'll keep coming back because there's an appetite for it there's demand for it and people know it so it'll keep coming back just removing it's not the solution but that's why we're not removing it we're banning it i like watching crap as as much as the next guy i like watching crappy tv and stuff and i don't want to ban everything but i think we need to need to get rid of exploitation and like stuff which breeds bad stuff like i think if you're monetizing your kids and that's like you how your life is then that changes the parents dynamic with their kids and it shouldn't be allowed um it just shouldn't be allowed i think i think you know what you were saying about the fact that if you did this

on tv there are regulations but it is weird that we don't have that we basically allow youtube to police themselves it's like when you have an industry like say the oil industry and the regulation over the oil industry comes from the oil industry you know what i mean it's like if you were to just say to them you guys just regulate yourselves that's what people have done with youtube basically you're right they basically said to youtube you guys handle this because we don't know but when it comes to tv oh that's very heavily regulated advertising is very heavily regulated oh it isn't it isn't though right like yeah okay great it regulated, but there's still fucking advertising, fucking gambling and bingo and alcohol and everything on TV. You are wrong, because I'll tell you specifically that when I worked for gambling stuff, if you mention age, like if you say, hey, kids, let's gamble, that is like, you are in massive trouble, huge fine, big, big problem.

If you said that on YouTube, no fucking problem. Who's watching? Who's watching? And we've seen what happens when you have people saying, hey, kids, go onto this website and gamble. And it's only because these guys were huge that there was any comeuppance. And I'm not even sure it's changed much. But you cannot mention gambling.

You cannot mention winning. You cannot mention anything positive in relation to it and it has to be it's very specific the shows you can advertise on it's very specific the time and the channels so for instance i'm not going to be watching a youtube video i mean i'm not going to be watching cbb's or the itv equivalent or any of those channels and there's going to be a fucking advert for betfair in the middle of it that's not going to happen but i could easily be watching a youtube video and there's a fucking advert for that on there no problem i assume because who's regulating it i'm not saying that there's no no that there's no regulations i i realize that that it is

regulated but i'm still saying that like you know we we view tv uh like terrestrial or digital tv with like with broadcasters and stuff as like safer than than YouTube just because it's been around longer but there's still lots of shit that goes on on on TV that is is is probably just as bad but we just don't you're probably right we don't notice it as much because it's such a personally I do disagree but I understand what you're saying there is there is stuff on TV that's bad but it's it's it is far more heavily regulated than you than you it is yeah but it's still like still the messages get through they're just they're just a little bit more convoluted or or or better disguised or whatever you know what i mean like on youtube yeah you could just be like

hey kids come and gamble spend all your money on gambling kids like yeah there's no regulation for that but like i mean i i do think that if that if you see a tv show where that happens where there's something it's in the public eye the m MPs and stuff and the papers will pick up on it. But these kind of things, like Lewis was saying about it being the Wild West, a lot of stuff that happens on YouTube. Only people who really follow that and are on the Internet a lot hear these fucking stories. It all slips under the radar of the mainstream. And I think the weird thing is that that means that people just don't know i don't know and i mean the daily mail runs a uh call them every day about like a kid who who plays fortnite and has to be fed meatloaf um through an ivy to keep them alive and stuff i

know but they keep fucking running it all the time anyway it doesn't stop these guys will always run the same thing video games are bad and make people violent how many fucking times have you seen that story crop up over the last as long as video games have been around it's always been violent video games like this is what's causing these problems and some fucking yahoo in a position of authority will say i've been the problem with these guys is these violent video games and all these morons who have no idea what they're talking about come spilling out of the fucking woodwork running their mouths and saying, yeah, it's so fucking fun in the video game, shut them down. And some of them people go,

we've got to do something. Something must be done. And they'll try and do something. Always fucking happens. But that's not because they know what they're talking about or it's a real issue. It's because it's exactly what I'm saying.

They have no fucking idea. So as soon as it pops up above the radar, some guy does a mass shooting and says, I got my ideas from fortnite even if he's full of shit unless he built a special ramp very quickly up over the heads of his victims and then shot down at them from a great height with the goop gun or whatever no he didn't get it from fortnite he's fucking crazy so i think the idea that video games are to blame is so ridiculous but you'll get people will pick up on it because they don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

You know what's crazy? You've just, you solved a mystery. You just solved, I've been investigating a murder for about two years now that involved goop. And we couldn't figure out how this guy got the jump on his victim, but he built a ramp. He built the ramp. Yeah, he built up. That's it. There you go.

Hallelujah. A cold case of songs. Looks like we've got another case of the Fortnite killer, chief. There's Dorito crumbs and Mountain Dew all over this place. I want you to find this bastard. The mayor's going to have my ass in a sling. The mayor always has their ass in a sling first of all every time yeah the mayor needs to fucking take a chill pill they're trying their best

also what's it with the arses in these fucking tv shows it's always arses and slings yeah what does it mean yeah does it mean like he's gonna kick his ass so hard he's gonna have it in a sling like you would have broken arm what does it mean like your ass has been bad so badly you have to have a fucking sling to support your ass as oh yeah my butt got i may have hit it so hard i have to have a special i mean device on it at all times it was so great about the wire like it broke all like the conventional norms as well right because that because karketty's ass is never in a in a sling he was he can't put their ass in a sling. He was too busy having a piss fit. That's how they would describe it in the wire. Hey, chief,

there's no evidence because surely around the body there would have been loads of guns and ammo and just drops everywhere, but it's all gone. The killer must have taken it with him. But he left behind some lesser weaponry. Oh, fuck's sake fucking but um but yeah

i mean man like my like i'm sure your kids are like this too flax my son is like when i grow up i want to be a youtuber oh my god yeah and you're just like my oldest in particular just don't you don't want to do that like my eldest she said to me the other day like she's nearly 10 she said to me when can i have my own YouTube channel? And I said, you have to be 18. I lied. I said, you have to be 18 to have a YouTube channel. She was like, oh, and that'll buy me a few years.

And then she'll finally be old enough to look it up, right? Yeah, she's just like, oh, no. That's how easy it is. She's like, my dad wouldn't lie to me. I think a lot of parents want to do what their kids say, though. And they're like, let's make one now and do it together. And I get that. That's probably okay.

She wants us to record stuff. But I'm like, no, I'm not putting you on the internet. When you're old enough, maybe, just about to deal emotionally with the horror of being on the internet, then maybe. Yeah, it is horrible. You know what, actually, let me just reverse that. Because these last couple of weeks, since we did the episode where we asked people to send us pictures of where they listen to the podcast, I've had, and I'm sure you guys have seen the same thing, I had to set up a special channel on my tweet deck. Tweet deck, yeah.

Just to see all the pictures, because I was losing them, because I've got my notifications up, and that's just like every like and all that shit. So it blurs out all the actual actual content you know what I mean so then I've got one that's filtered by Triforce we've had so much stuff so much stuff a hundred hundreds and hundreds of pictures yeah same pictures yeah it's amazing people on the subway buses trains and a lot of people in the middle of fucking nowhere and a lot of people with some jobs no offense to those people but they look boring as fuck and i'm glad that we help you for 45 minutes to an hour i don't know if we do we just be really angry today some of those boring looking jobs look kind of interesting though some of them really do actually

some dude was in a dairy cooler i can relate to to that. I used to work in one. Like some guy was like listening to it in and amongst a bunch of like shelves with boxes on them. It looked like maybe like an Amazon warehouse or something like that. Yeah, I think he was. Yeah. There's a whole bunch. A lot of people driving. Be safe, people. The idea of commuting, I used to, when I used to get a lift sometimes to work, the person that would give me a lift had done this commute for like so long and so many years

that she didn't even look at the road anymore. Like she was rolling a cigarette or she's on her phone. She's just got like this weird peripheral thing. She knows the traffic's gonna be five miles an hour. She's just never looking at the road. I was terrified. I was absolutely terrified. I know it can get, it can seem just like the habit

of getting up in the morning, walking downstairs and making a cup of tea just be careful the roads are super dangerous especially in america that's all i just wanted people to be safe anytime somebody mentions the word commute like you know you know you get those words that just always make you remember one specific thing yeah like a trigger word yeah anytime somebody says commute i immediately picture matt dave damon and uh what's his face uh ben affleck in goodwill hunting you know when he used to pick them up in the morning for their like construction job or whatever and their car was cold as fuck and they're smoking in the car and stuff every time like every time i think of commuting i i picture that scene well i don't

know why i don't even know why i i think of um i think it's from pret it might have been it might be pret a manger but i used to commute to docklands from twickenham and it took me about an hour and a half and every morning i'd get off the train and i'd go to this pret and i'd get one of these croissants to have cheese and a tomato in the middle, like a little slice of tomato. And that was what I had for breakfast because I'd eat that on the walk. The last bit was like a 20-minute walk. Every single day for like a year, I did that. So whenever anyone says commute, I immediately think of the baked goods area of Pret.

That's such a long commute too. So what's that, a that total two hours every day? no no three hours either way it was an hour and a half each way oh my god where did you work? was it worth it? no that was the psychic detective TV show that I did

I don't think anyone who commutes that far ever really thinks when they finally quit it they're like oh I can't believe I did that yeah it's one of those things where you look back sometimes you just have to at the time the only time I ever commuted that far in my life is to go to school like and like I had to go to school I guess but like I mean I had to it was a job once I took the job I mean that's the thing with tv jobs is you think this is going to lead

to something 99% of people that work in tv are going to work in it and never achieve anything and and just achieve anything and just keep grinding and keep thinking this will be the one this will be the one you want to work in tv because it's exciting and you think that's where the money is and maybe i'll be able to get a cool job someday and you just keep hoping yeah sometimes it does happen it does genuinely happen there are people i worked with there who are now doing really cool things and are working for really cool companies so you just need the experience and to do enough work, you'll meet enough people

because it's so much nepotism and I know this guy and oh, I know a guy and it's like that. But you'll do all these shitty jobs, but TV pays horribly. It's all super pyramid-y. The people at the top make a fortune.

Everybody else makes fuck all. The hours are unbelievable and you will go through all kinds of miserable shit it's horrible do not work in tv sounds like working at the ogs cast so no okay so let's go back okay this weekend last weekend i went to a wedding i went to martin oh yeah of course yeah how did that go i mean i didn't get an invite did you get an invite period no but i don't think i think i've met martin twice same but still i mean i did would cost you nothing to just invite somebody that like you know they're probably

not gonna go you might as well just invite them anyway like yeah what a great mantra but anyway sure if that's how you end up with like these your parents house getting trashed so when and it was actually super super nice too

had to get the old southern railways train right which was always always a joy was it a sleeper? it wasn't a sleeper no there wasn't any like

Scottish announcer or anything thank god just a regular old southern railways just kind of crappy. A little tap-tap reference for last week. Yeah, that was weird.

So, I just, you know, it was all lovely and emotional and everyone's touching their live flames together and telling everyone about... I don't know, like, I guess it's... I've been to quite a lot of weddings and the vows are very fixed and they're very standardized okay but I guess they came about before divorces right yeah because some of the vows are like they're just I just like they're just grammatically wrong in a sense like they're

like you know and do you pledge to be forever until you die and they're like yes and then I was like I was like in my head i was like except except if there's a divorce and i'm sure martin and i'm gonna get divorced because they're a great couple but and most people don't but but a lot of people do do you know what i mean just like just to acknowledge just so there wasn't such a cognitive dissonance in my head when that happened do you know what i mean like so there's sometimes something, someone says something to you and it just like makes you go like, that's, it's kind of, it just put me off, I guess, a little bit.

So you want the vows to be, do you so-and-so, take you so-and-so to be a couple for as long as you can both be arsed with it. And then if the worst happens, let's just be civil about it and not be dicks. Yeah. And not try and stay together for the sake of it like you know even though we made this promise but we hate each other and

therefore we're gonna ruin our kids and everything oh yeah you know it's been shown better off that if the parents are hating each other they should just get a divorce and not try and stay together for the kids you know but i think that some of the marriage vows and stuff are just a bit dated and like cat need to be need to be caught up because i think you're selling it wrong you know you can write your own right you don't have to you can yeah you can write your own i did my own i think a lot of people are lazy though i did my own they didn't even learn i did my own i just cut straight to the point as well i do there's no i just said, this dick is yours and only yours. I pledge my dick to you. I'm not saying Martin and Nate are lazy.

I'm saying it's more that they wanted to do it traditionally, I think. And therefore, everything is very traditional in the wedding sets. They have the cutting the cake and the first dance. It was all great. They call it a wedding breakfast. It ain't breakfast. It's fucking lunchtime and it. It was all great. They call it a wedding breakfast. It ain't breakfast. It's fucking lunchtime and it's late at that. Don't call it a wedding breakfast.

Call it a late lunch. A wedding late lunch. It's a traditional ceremony. It doesn't need to make sense. It just has to be nice and special for the two people who get married. But where does this tradition come from? I'll tell you where. It's like 100 years, right?

Yeah, yeah. And it's evolved a lot as well to fit with the multi-billion dollar industry behind it as well right so like there's a lot of a lot of fucking extras that get thrown into the mix so that they can you know just milk you for more money um you know you can't just get a dress now you have to have like a fucking dress stand humidifier thing for the dress all the bridesmaids have to have a dress all the grooms have to have a dress and a fucking suit whatever yeah and then you have to have like fucking little boxes with people's names on them with like one chocolate inside which that's right

we had shit and there's a whole bunch of shit like it costs fucking thousands and thousands of dollars to have i love weddings i do love weddings but one time i would like the vows to be that they walk down the aisle together and the the vicar or whatever just nods at them and they just fucking high five and they peace that's it let's go get on with it just get to the thing and they're just like all right yeah and they just walk out yeah and then they just high five bam music starts playing and everybody cheers and then done you're out well i i like there's a lot of things i like about it now first of all i like that it brings uh everyone together family and friends for a meeting it's

a good excuse to get everyone together and just see the family and you know just renew like the kind of ties that you have with your friends and family and say look you know these are all the people in my life thank you for being in my life and like you know this is how much you mean to me i don't know like it's good to have an excuse to have a social gathering these days where everyone's there and they dress up nice and they go to someone have a nice meal and it's all very friendly and loving and and really just wholesome and it was it was just there were so many good things about it I didn't find it boring it wasn't like too slow or anything sometimes I've been to weddings

that just go on for fucking all day and you're waiting around you've got like a huge smile on your face all day long I brought a book with me in case I needed it well I've been to quite a few weddings and I've been sat there

what are you 12 years old just fucking put up with it if it's a bit boring you just do what all grown ups do and just smile and think of something else

what do you mean like just smile and think of something else what like just stand there Homer Simpson style and listen to the music playing in my head

what you don't have an imagination you're telling me you can't just daydream about something else if you're super bored I'm just sitting there I'm just thinking of something else if i need to just go into your

brain i didn't need the book use it in the end but i took it with me just in case because i didn't know what to expect that's such a kid thing to do that's the kind of thing my 10 year old ask and i'd say no you can't take a book to the wedding and you just be bored like everyone else yes exactly it's their special day you're there. Listen, we're here to embrace it. They're life flames touching. Exactly. We're not going to read it. Just imagine they gave you a front seat in the front row

and the wedding's going on and you just suddenly sneak a book out of your inside pocket just having a peek. What would the book be? Like Dragons of Autumn Twilight or something like that? It's actually All Quiet on the Western Front. Oh, nice. What a fucking fantastic read.

It's one of the most depressing fucking books of all time. We're celebrating a very happy day. Excuse me, sir. Is that a copy of All Quiet on the... Get the fuck out of here with that depressing ass shit. We're trying to have a nice time here. But I did need it, fortunately. Well, I was a bit worried because uh it's i didn't

know a lot of people there right um and so i was worried that i would be kind of stuck on my own kind of without anyone you know the best way to be stuck on your own not talking to anyone the best way to be stuck on your own is to go and sit in the corner and read a fucking book at a wedding that's that's unbelievable i didn't need to i just was concerned sometimes i get a bit um like anxious in social situations social anxiety it's easy to be uh yeah i mean because i think everybody gets the impression not louis everybody gets the impression from from some people on the internet that they're you know big confident people in all situations well here's the thing it's different in real life it's different in real life. It's different in real life. So I haven't really talked about this but like um when we did the karaoke stream this

Christmas um I was getting like really nervous about it and I started to feel like I was getting like a little bit of a quickened heartbeat and also like like slight shortness of breath and I realized I was kind of having attraction to me. Anxiety attack. that is the same feeling actually yeah when i get both but i was having a bit of an anxiety attack and so i like i had to take the evening off and it's the first time i sort of it's not the first time like i guess it's happened to me in my life but it's certainly the first time i noticed that that was probably what it was you know what i think that was though is i know how hard you guys work especially in the month leading up to the jam and I think

that there was probably a combination of having to perform you know people going to be watching there's all these other people you obviously don't sing karaoke very often I spend the whole year singing to myself anyway so when it's karaoke time I'm just like cool now I get to sing and there's a microphone that's it so these are all songs I've been singing to myself all fucking year because I literally my kids do the same thing like anytime they're in the toilet they're singing they're in their room they say i sing all the fucking time i don't know why it's just a habit i've got so for me but i just turn up there's no planning for me for the jingle jam you've spent a whole month working on it so of course you're stressed and in the back of your mind you're everything's

got to work out and there's a lot of pressure and everything like that so don't think that it's a it's a thing it's just natural it's natural yeah i'm just trying to analyze out and there's a lot of pressure and everything like that. So don't think that it's a thing. It's just natural. It's natural. Well, I'm just trying to analyze it because that's the kind of person I am who can't stop thinking about something in circles until it consumes me and my life flame just sputters. Did you consult Reddit almost straight away to see if there was any way? I didn't.

I haven't really talked about it. Ask Reddit. I should have done maybe because that's the good way to just get a load of uninformed assholes telling you bollocks I was just about to do a karaoke live stream in front of 50,000 people

and my heart fluttered a bit what could be the problem Reddit? well it was more that I don't know like I was trying to think about it and I've never really

I don't know like singing in front of people in karaoke is a very extroverted thing to do and I can usually do it with a couple of drinks and not have too many problems. It's a great summary of social interactions right there. No, it is though. I mean, most people rely on alcohol to socialize.

My parents made me sing up on stage quite often. My parents, for some reason, encouraged to when I was a kid to sing on stage and they didn't like I don't think they ever they'll they'll ever they ever really like forced me to do and they didn't film it and put it on the internet for money um but did you guys have to do public speaking at school too like you had to you had to research a topic or something and do like a speech on it did you guys have never really had to do that I did I did at university as well and it was the worst thing I used to know that was always the worst i would sweat my heart would go my palms would be sweaty i stumbled over my words i hated it they did it to give you the

experience doing it right like yeah they know that you're going to be uncomfortable and sweaty and anxious and stuff like that but it's well no but it was different it was different like like like we've we've gone up on stage before places like uh insomnia and done these things and i've i've usually like you know i'm usually always gonna before i go on stage anyway even if it's to like you know a couple of hundred people i'm gonna be fucking super anxious super nervous like even standing in the office and like someone says oh lucy's got a few words to say and suddenly you know like like the poor best man you know know, at the wedding, you know, that's like a classic area where the anxiety is like overwhelming for that, you know, like it's terrifying, even though it's... Well, at a wedding it's different because you've had drinks by the time the

speeches start too, right? Maybe. And sometimes I never, I don't feel a thing, but sometimes, you know, most times going up on stage, you know, even if it's to less people than a, you know, a routine live stream, you know, where I don't feel anything, any anxiety at all. I think it is a matter of just getting used to it, but I don't know. I certainly couldn't get used to karaoke. Well, imagine how it feels to be the spokesperson for a company who's just announced

that they've laid off everybody right before Christmas or whatever. You know what I mean? Imagine having to make that speech. That would fucking suck. But also to have to fire people, even one-on-one. Like, oh God. Yeah, that would be tough. That's a horrible thing to do, isn't it?

I'd do it by telegram. Like singing telegram. That's why they have so many different levels of management. I'm sorry to inform you, sir, that you are no longer needed. Yeah, it's much easier. The company's not doing as well as it used to. And you are the least important person left. Sign here, please.

Yeah. Oh, man. I don't know. Speak like I... Like, I remember at school, I did public speaking, and I felt, you know, like Eminem from 8 Mile, you sweaty palms and sweaty hoodie and stuff like that.

But when you're a kid, your image and stuff really matters to you, right? The way that people think about you and stuff is much more important but now like i don't feel like as nervous like in front of people or anything now that i'm a like an older guy with kids and stuff i just think part of the difference is that in school you know that if you fuck up you're stuck with these people for the next four years that's true you're gonna have to put up with that shit every fucking day you might sit next to that kid the twat who's gonna remind you every time he sees you about something you said or did that's cool whereas in your growing up people like fuck this guy i never had to talk to him again who cares and i don't i mean when i first started

off i'm sure you guys felt the same thing not so much streaming because that always felt i could just turn it off and yeah if i said something stupid that's fine but i could just turn the stream off whatever and it was being in front of a group of people like going onto a stage something about stepping up being on that platform everyone's looking at you and you can see all of them they're expecting you to deliver something and they can't just change a channel they're fucking stuck there too which makes it even worse if it's boring on twitch they'll just watch something else but you know i mean people generally feel a compulsion to stay where they are when you're on stage you're like well looks like we're stuck here to see what this shit is all about so you feel like you owe them something as

well i think it's even the the level of failure is worse when you're on a stage i used to hate it and now you just get used to it but i think also yeah it's 20 years ago to scare the shit out of like i also think it is like you said like about like the audience i mean if it's if it's your usual live stream audience you almost certainly know that all of them know what they're getting themselves into whereas like a live sort of thing it's like are these especially if those people are don't even know who you are the pressure is on and you're like, okay, well, I guess we're just going to go for this and, you know,

they're going to be reading their book in the audience because they're bored. Yeah, I don't know. All quiet on the Western front though, Jesus. Well,

it's a pretty, I've nearly done. I got through a lot of it. Good for you, you know, good for you. I recommend it if you want to just feel fucking

ruined someone's wedding. That's great. Super depressed. Look, I didn't, I didn't need it. It was great. But, you know, for you i recommend it if you want to just feel fucking someone's wedding that's great super depressed look i didn't i didn't need it it was great but you know i've been to enough weddings i know what it's like i've been to tons and honestly i'm not a fan normally like but but this this wedding turned me around a bit because they they streamlined a lot of the boring shit they'd obviously had someone who'd gone in and been to a lot and been like yeah these bits don't work like chucking the the bouquet and stuff over the shoulder kind of um like the stereotype stuff was

not made a big deal out of and all that you know all the all the cliches were kind of stripped down a little bit but yeah that's another great thing about having kids though because like you can get invited to like weddings and stuff and you always have an excuse for not going like i see you could you know like i haven't been to a wedding in years wholesome wholesome way to use your kids that doesn't feel like massively if you're gonna exploit your kids in any way use them to get out of stuff that you don't want to do like don't fucking put them in front of a camera and create more stuff for you to do you gotta you to be smart about this. You've got to cut things out of your life.

Yeah, exactly. I did some more cooking with the school this week where I went in and cooked with the kids. Meth. It was fun. It was fun. We did cheesy scones. They liked it.

You did some more. So was this okay? So I'm wondering how many recipes you're gonna have because the pizza obviously went down incredibly well big hit and so wait you went into a school and cooked food for children with children with them you've already done this before but were you like in a in a like you know like showing them how to cook it or were you just there to like cook with your kids? Every week they have the cooking and two parents will come in, volunteer to come in,

and you go and collect six kids at a time from the class, two groups of six, take them to the little school kitchen, cook with them, tell them what you're going to cook. You ask them questions. Now, remember how much flour did we put in? And they'll say, oh, 80 grams, you know, stuff like that. So you do the whole thing and then you cook it and then you take what you've cooked to the classroom. And when the day is finished, they hand out whatever's been cooked to all the kids in the class. So they get a little treat on their way home from school.

They love it. It's great fun. And, you know, you get to see all the kids that are in my youngest class. You know, she talks about them all the time. I get to hang out. I know some of them. I get to hang out and get to know the kids.

I think it's very sweet. You know, it's very, very, very wholesome. But you're right. We did cheesy pizza. This time we did cheesy scones, which are like scones. You know, they rise up and they're kind of cheesy. I mean, because the teacher doesn't like us to make sweet stuff. She wants it to be like savory stuff because somehow that's better for them,

even though it's just fucking flour and butter and cheese, but whatever. So I'm going to come up with another recipe for next time because i know i know they're gonna ask me to come back because they call me chef ted now like that's it wow yeah today my kids are gonna be making uh double cheeseburgers with bacon oh man the dream it's gonna it's gonna get worse and worse today kids we're gonna make're going to be making ice cream sundaes. Ideally, the meat should still be bloody, kids. I want to see blood in that bun. Nice rare meat and nice rich cheese on top. Lovely.

Today, kids, we're going to be making chicken nuggets. Chicken twisters. I bought a box of frozen chicken nuggets and we're going to be cooking them in the oven. It's funny. Some of the kids, though, obviously don't know. They obviously haven't cooked much at home. And I think it's a shame like some of the kids you know they've never done anything with a rolling pin at all and you think how can you uh you know you gotta you gotta

get them in the kitchen that's super important the only people using rolling pins are kids and um like grands you know who bake for the local church bake sale. Who else uses a rolling pin, honestly? Chef Ted does. I mean, Chef Ted. Holy crap. Do you have like a pinny and stuff? Yeah. Do they call you Chef, like on TV?

I was going to push it and say, kids, you have to call me Chef. Yes, Chef. I don't want to have a yes, Chef, when I ask you to do something. Cut that butter up into chunks. Yes, Chef. I want that. Just don't respond until they call you Chef, though. Ted, Ted, Ted. You just ignore them. And then, chef? Yes? Yes.

I'll give them a real Gordon Ramsay style bollocking. I'll put a piece of bread either side of their head. What are you? An idiot sandwich. You know, right, back to class. Did anyone get any injuries? Did anyone get any burns? No any burns no no no we're very careful with all that so the oven is out of bound it's butter knives i mean it's butter knives and they they generally do the mix in and the roll in and uh all that kind of stuff you know whatever it is generally because i genuinely can't do any cooking without cutting myself or injuring myself it's just practice i used to cut myself a lot it's just practice are you guys good at slicing up stuff? Oh, man. I'm so good

at cutting onions. You wouldn't believe it. Really? So, so good at cutting onions. Diced onions? Super diced onions. And I'm like, like that. Wow. I cook every day. Oh, you'll get there. But yeah, like Lewis said, I used to cut my fingers. I'd be like, ah! And Mrs. F would be like,

what happened? It'd be like a huge gouge in my hand. But yeah, once you've done that a few times, you just get your technique down. You've got to sort of hold it like a claw hand and the knife should be very slightly angled away from your finger. But you can use your nail as a kind of, the point to bounce the knife off

so you know exactly where the sharp edge is. There's all kinds of techniques. And chopping carrots carrots i love it i actually enjoy that part most because i get to think i'm a real chef chef ted i feel like a lot of this shit could be replaced by machines now yeah but then you gotta clean the machine that's the problem washing the machine is more of a pain in the ass than doing it yourself and then just you know acquiring a skill i don't know i don't know like maybe don't know. Like, maybe you're right. Also, carrots. Fucking hate carrots. Jesus Christ.

What? They suck. They are the fucking worst vegetable. What is wrong with this guy? I know. What is wrong with me? Carrots are super good. They're not.

They're crap. It's a bombshell revelation. Worst vegetable. The worst vegetable. Worst vegetable. I think that the worst vegetable has got to be either leeks. Leeks are pretty fucking gross. Or I don't like fucking, I don't like courgettes either.

Like I find them kind of gross too. I like courgettes when they've been fried enough. Like I don't like them that kind of limp. I don't mind it if they're like sliced up small and like put into like a pasta sauce or something like that. Then they're fine. But that's not how I like them at all. When they're mushy. Best vegetables are obviously like sweet corn is up there.

That's a good one. Only on a cob. It's got to be on a cob. Otherwise, I'm not touching it. If it's been decobbed, it's disgraceful. Corn on the cob. I don't mind corn. Corn off the cob is still on the top ten list. It's good.

And then peas are great. Love a pea. Always love peas. Can't complain. Mushy peas, they're down the list again. Don't give me that much. I think butternut squash is pretty gross too. It just doesn't taste like anything.

Butternut squash? That's like a top, top top vegetable it's a good vegetable sweet potato like i would have rather all right let me let me hit you with a few let me hit you with a few artichoke no sure amazing they're amazing right asparagus oh fantastic love asparagus but not too much yeah because i'm sick of my piece smell bad all right this one might be a divider here brus sprouts. Yeah. I can take them. I like them. With gravy.

There's got to be gravy in there. You have to unhealthy the Brussels sprouts by cooking them in honey or something. Cabbage. No.

Really? I can take a bit of cabbage. I love cabbage. I can take kimchi, but I can't take cabbage. All right, cauliflower, specifically cauliflower cheese.

Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. Or like cauliflower that's like curried. Curry sauce. By the truckload. Yeah, yeah. Not too soft and like mushy. Oh, man.

Just right. All right. Fennel. Fennel? No. It's just awful. Not a fan of fennel. Really?

Why would you have that? It just tastes so like weird. Onion. Don't like it. Onion, yeah. onion is number one it's the most versatile i use i use onions every day fucking love yeah onions honestly if i could i would i would put the word onion in my middle name i want it in there just as a tribute because i fucking love onions i think they're amazing onions are great uh pitted onion for size yeah

i want it i want to be known as like spring onions are great like crispyated onion for size yeah I want to be known as onion man like spring onions are great like crispy onions on top of stuff oh onion rings I mean there's so much and the onions little brother the shallot

also deserves a shout out and they're even younger possibly not related brother garlic I love all three love all three garlic's fantastic what about broccoli

broccoli's pretty good I like broccoli I can't eat broccoli can't eat broccoli green beans really nice peas peas are good

what about what about the freakish the freakish half cousin the freakish half cousin of the onion

the spring onion well it's it's fine I mean they're good I can take a spring onion you can't eat them raw like you can't

chow down on them what about beetroot no I hate beetroot oh my god beetroot is actually fucking awful I mean I can eat it like if it's vinegared,

like in those jars or whatever. Oh yeah, like in a salad or something. Like you have to have it with stuff. All right, here's a weird one. Here's a weird one. Radish. Swede. No, radish is a no-go for me.

Radish is amazing. I love radish. They're good. They're peppery. Mashed swede. You ever had mashed swede? Swede is rootabaga. Yeah, it's awful.

It's amazing. It's like nearly as bad as turnip yeah that's with a lot of root vegetables you really gotta spice them up like or they're just like parsnips oh fucking excuse me yeah they just have this awful taste yeah they really are they taste amazing you gotta you gotta butter them up like to death and stuff you guys are crazy you can't like have them like deep deep fried and dripping in maple syrup in order to even be vaguely edible. And at that point, you're just eating a deep fried stick of sugar. Oh, you're crazy.

Okra. Oh, I will eat okra, but I think it makes me get heartburn. Okay. Is that what broccoli does to you? No, it gives me the shits. Okay. Whoa, broccoli actually loosens up your... For real, yeah, yeah.

Wow, that's crazy. Coffee, broccoli, and rich cheese. Those are the three things. What about celery? Celery is fucking weird, isn't it? I don't mind celery. I put it in my bolognese as part of the sofrito, like onions, carrots, celery, mix it all up.

Real fine. You don't want any stringy bits, but it's got to be in there. We used to have a snack as a kid called ants on a log, which was celery cut into like uh like a small sort of like chunk of celery and then inside like the groove bit you'd spread some like cheese whiz you know like a spreadable cheese and then you put little raisins on it and it sounds fucking gross but man it was so good like you've got like a you got a bit of cheese you got a bit of celery that is an amazing name for a celery with cheese with raisins that sounds awful it sounds terrible

it sounds fucking terrible but it's pretty good trust me i love that okay that's homework for everyone yeah if you can i used to put peanut butter in the groove that's really good as well i'm gonna try it i'm gonna try i'm gonna get some fucking whiz in there yeah don't do it kids yeah ants on a log i would rather eat actual ants like with some raisins because you get like a bit of sweet like the raisins and the celery go really well together and then you got the cheese to just like like tone down the sweetness oh it's fucking really good actually it's nice i think sometimes kids like want to want to eat that you should do that for cooking at school yeah you can't dance on a log at school next time thanks that'll go down great um holy shit um yeah i mean you're right about taking a shit like i had a coffee

about an hour ago and i really need a shit it goes right through your ass yeah it does it definitely like triggers it like if i need to if i'm like okay i need to go in an hour's time let's have a coffee now i don't have anything that really like like instantly gives me the shit like so what are you saying so you eat broccoli and then you know like within an hour or so i get really bad stomach cramps so like it's the same with the cheese it's like agony it's like actual agony it's like someone's stabbing me in the stomach. And then I have an unpleasant bowel movement. I'm sorry for these details, folks. Do you get it with like kale and all the other stuff as well?

I haven't tried because I avoid kale as if it was poison. Have you tried pooping into like a box and examining it? Like just to make sure that your stools are healthy and stuff? I haven't, but you're right. That sounds like such a fantastic idea. There was that show on Channel 4 a couple of years ago where they did where they did that remember they'd be like this man eats nothing but cheddar cheese and cheese and onion crisps and now we're going to make him shit in a box and we're gonna look at his poop see just how unhealthy this man is yep we can see from this man's poop that all

he eats is cheddar cheese and cheese haven't done it haven't done it but yeah it's a possibility his life flame is really fucking in trouble it's dim it's basically a big shit it's very very dim it wouldn't even light up a small room at this point this man needs to start eating some better shit he's gonna eat some parsnips done. Lads, I think we've covered some important topics today. That was some good chat. Like, that was more chat chat than locks. It was a good one. Yeah, I really enjoyed that.

I don't know. I got a bit angry at the start. That's fine, Lewis. Sorry. Sorry. I got angry. It's a safe place to do that. You know what I mean, Lewis?

Let it out. That's what this is for. I let some stuff out today. Yeah, that's right. I feel like I'm better if I haven't got it off my chest all right i will thanks everyone bye