Triforce! - Triforce! #97: Are We Going to Hell For This?

Episode Date: April 10, 2019

Triforce! Episode 97! Bird porn, fleshlights and would you rather questions are all great new ways to go to hell! Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Pickaxe. won't find anywhere else. Experience the excitement of the casino floor right on your phone. Download the app and play whatever, wherever, and whenever. Your options for fun are endless. On DraftKings Casino, your way is the only way to play. Join the fun on your time, in your space, and within your means. The best part is it's safe, secure, and reliable. So deposits and withdrawals happen when you're ready. Go all in on fun with DraftKings Casino. Head to the App Store to download.

Explore a full suite of games and find your favorites today. DraftKings Casino, the crown is yours. Gambling problem? Call Connex Ontario. 1-866-531-2600. 19 and over and physically present in Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply. See casino.draftkings.com for details. Please play responsibly.

Hello everybody and welcome to the Triforce podcast with me and Sips and Piri and Flax. That's right, we're here for you again. This is episode 97 or something? 98? Man, what if we just stopped at 99? Like we just lost interest all of a sudden

and just stopped. We should have stopped at 69 if anything. Yeah, we should have actually. But also if we've gone past 69 we should probably carry on till 420 yeah and then um and then we just segue nicely into 666 yeah let's get 666 on there oh yeah yeah um and then we end up at 1488 which is uh like a nazi code i think something to do with nazis something it's something like that something like that yeah so have you made it to iron maiden yet on your you know your album listening no not yet actually we've taken a break because everybody's been busy so we we last left off at um what's the last album we listened to the band by the band was the last album that we listened to wow which was uh an

interesting one but yeah we haven't listened to anything else since but it's it's just been a busy time for the for the album boys there's more busyness coming up too because i'm going away on vacation next week for two weeks oh my gosh where you going i'm going to sunny canada where the temperature is uh low of zero and high of five uh i'm gonna be there for about 10 days freezing my um tabernacles off so that's gonna be nice but um i haven't been back for like 10 years so no i'm no portage this time of year you're not booked to no it's way too cold in april are you yeah you can what are you some kind of portage amateur yeah the great lakes are still frozen over completely so they don't thaw out until june

so um so yeah so i'm so there's not going to be a podcast for like two weeks after this rip yeah rip indeed i'm gonna be what we need to do then is say some really controversial shit yes and then the subreddit can spaz out about it yes that's exactly what we i got so much shit for saying that lord of the rings in harry potter the harry potter was a-off of Lord of the Rings. It's just something I say to annoy my wife and kids. I don't care what you idiots think, and I don't care about the fucking fan fiction or how good it is.

Oh, Red Rising belongs in the teen section as well, Kurt. I don't care. I don't care. The whole point of this podcast is I don't give a shit. I'm so glad. I don't read any comments, so I never get any. Oh, that's funny. Wait, have we ever had the which is better, Star Wars or Star Trek debate?

Oh, God. I like both. I don't really care what people think about which is better or worse. Does it matter? I think that's a very lazy man thing. It's a very lazy man thing. I know, but it's very triggering to a lot of people. That's why I brought it up. Do you know why it's a very star in the night i know but it's very triggering to a lot of people that's

why i brought it up it is you know why it's annoying i think it's one of those debates that you have in the pub with people you don't really know you have it in in a pub with people you don't really know and the people that you don't really know don't really know a lot about star wars or star trek as well i think that's what drives everybody so nuts about that debate yeah they say look sorry this is the Women's Institute monthly pub meeting. Why are you trying to bring up Star Trek and Star Wars? No, listen, Picard

was a better captain than Han Solo was in the Millennium Falcon. You understand me? He was just a smuggler. Look at what Picard did. He built bridges. I'm sorry, I don't know

who those people are. Would you please leave? We didn't talk about meeting. It's a bit like one of those, it's like the opposite of a would you rather question, right? Because these would you rather questions are always like, would you rather have the hands of a cat or the feet of a dog?

Oh, they're so ridiculous, aren't they? But they're always like negative, right? They're always like two things that you, like two nightmarish things. Yes. Whereas what's better, Star Trek or Star Wars is kind of like choosing between good things as if you have to pick one. Yeah. And it's like, oh, I don't want to lose either of these good things from my life and in a way that's bad right it's a weird psychological trap I don't know it's for me like those types of those kind

of would you rather questions always sort of slightly upset me I guess like in a way in a way like that they force you to envision in your mind imagine a negative outcome right and like try and rationalize which one you would have to deal with yeah it's like for a moment you're like oh fucking hell would be it'd be nice to have i mean the cat's hands would be quite soft but a dog's legs oh it's impossible though i had one the other day where it was like would you rather your whole body be covered in paper cuts or would you rather just your eyeballs have paper cuts on them? And it's like, well, fuck me. Neither one, please.

Like, that's just a hell. Like, that's an eternal hell, isn't it? Like, that's probably some form of hell, like, if hell exists. I talk about this a lot, I guess. But I truly believe that, you know, hell isn't just like this, you know, cave underground full of lava and, you know, a hooved devil or whatever. It's like your own personal hell, right? Everybody gets a personal hell. Like mine would be, once again, I've said this. Would you rather questions until you die?

No, well, that, be asked would I rather questions whilst eternally crawling through a ventilation shaft that's very dark and never ends. You know, you're all confined in there and you can't ever leave. You'll never see daylight again or whatever. And somebody's just whispering in your mind to you, would you rather questions? And it drives you mad. And that's your eternity. That's a very specific hell. Well, that's what I'm saying eternity that's a very specific hell i yeah well that's what i'm saying i think that i think hell is specific i don't think it's just like you know oh hey larry

you're in hell too oh god okay well find a nice place to sit near this pool of lava and just sit here for the rest of eternity no i think you have to like you have to be tormented for the rest of eternity if you're going to hell right that? That's why people pray every day. Hey, Larry. Hey, Bob. Wow, how was the morning's poker up the ass session? Oh, it was horrible. The hot poker was right up my ass. Satan just really jabbed that right.

Oh, he does that, doesn't he, Bob? Yeah, terrible. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, what have we got off this afternoon? Oh, yeah, being flayed alive over Satan's barbecue. Oh, cool. Oh, normal have we got for this afternoon? Oh, yeah, being flayed alive over the Satanist barbecue. Oh, cool. Oh, normal, normal everyday day in hell then.

It's like, it wouldn't be that. It wouldn't be that. It would be like fucking queuing up with some sweaty, stinky person with bad breath behind you, and you can't stop smelling them for like an accused stop moving. Can I just say that you guys are listing things that could happen as samples of hell which implies hell is other people and it or we're already in hell which is something that some people well that's what they that's when they say hell on earth i think that's what they mean you know they're not talking about a war zone or whatever what if what if we are in hell right now what if this podcast

is our own personal hell listening to this podcast for the rest of eternity with Bob and Larry, and you haven't managed to find a comfortable spot to sit near a pool of lava in hell. You have to listen to this podcast. And all we ever do is talk about whether we've talked about something before for eternity. Oh my God, that's what it is. Yeah. And we have like a dad argument about something. Yeah.

I think it's like every argument we have is from dad argument about something yeah thing is like every argument we have is from a 35 year old plus perspective right so there's probably we're probably totally missing like a whole world of new research that's come out since we we left school right because it's 20 years ago that i was i mean the textbooks i had when i was at school were like 20 years out of date so i mean i'm really based on my. It's like what was called 40 years cavemen. Yeah, and a lot of it is bollocks Like they're like this that Pluto's not a planet the fucking this dinosaur didn't exist You know like geez like it's a lot of stuff's changed, you know, fuck climate change turns out not real Yeah, according to the to the president can't believe it. Yeah

Why would anyone lie? to the president. Can't believe it. I mean, back in the day, four years ago. Why would anyone lie about something like that? I mean, why would they? So, no, but the problem with would you rather questions is that, like, some of them are, some of them are shit, but some of them are always, like, supernatural, right?

They're like, would you rather be invisible or be able to fly? You know what I mean? Like, the dumb kind of... Well, those ones, those would you rather questions to me are like the dumb the dumb kind of well that those ones those would you rather questions to me are like the which is better star wars or star trek that's from a lazy

person who doesn't doesn't really do would you rathers you know they haven't thought about it much yeah you call this a would you rather that's a that's a low piss poor excuse for a would you rather all right you know talking about hell interestingly enough I was reading something about it the other day and originally hell was like a prison just for Satan because he was chucked out of heaven for I don't know saying that people were alright or something I can't remember what he said

and they chucked him out and they stuck him in have you heard what Satan's been saying he's been saying that basically people aren't sinners and they're alright that was the gist of it he's been saying that basically people aren't sinners and they're all right. That was the gist of it. He's been saying that you should look at a lady's titties on the internet and fucking put some money down on black red on roulette. I think we should fucking put him in prison.

He says that it's okay to jizz once in a while into a stuffed dolphin, especially if the stuffed dolphin belongs to your children. It's fine. I'm with them now i'm just saying i i have a feeling that the the whole point of of hell it's never properly described really when they talk about all the pit of fire and all that kind of stuff who knows how it was translated or which guess in which particular monk scribe was jerking off to images of people being burned alive that day and decided he'd chuck that in but the thing is if satan was just banished for not wanting god then hell might like as far as

i've been led to believe hell's meant to just be a place where you can't know god and i'm thinking as an atheist is much going to change you know what i mean if i go to hell am i just going to be there and thinking no i think the idea is that if you're an atheist and then you end up in hell you're like oh crap maybe i should have believed in god all along i think you have the notion of god and you you're you yearn for him when you're in hell you're like you'd know he was real yeah but why didn't i bask in your life if hell why didn't i bask in his with a capital H light while I had the chance? And then you repent for the rest of your... Now, is there any way out, do you suppose?

Because once you know... No, no, that's it. And that's what modern society struggles with, because there's always a way to wiggle out of everything. Look at OJ, you know, look at... But, you know, when it comes to heaven or hell, you know what I mean? Right, however, doesn't that fly in the face of the Christian sentiment of forgiveness? Well, I mean, that's the thing. It's not an airtight case.

You could poke holes in it all day long, but it'll always come back to, you're going to hell for questioning it. Yeah, that's the catch-all. I think, like, hell has obviously, perceptions of it are basically what people at the time thought, right? hell for questioning it yeah that's the that's the uh that's the catch-all i think like hell has obviously perceptions of it are basically what people at the time thought right because back in the day when jesus times was around like no one fucking was supposedly around let's just add that in just to for the humanists out there like me they were like they were no one knew about shit right they didn't know about fucking ipads and guns and i don't know

fucking stupid shit like fireworks right if you imagine it's like right those three things were unknown at the time the old what's changed maybe fireworks were actually there ipads guns fireworks it's pretty much sums it it up. Whatever, right? And so back in the day, their simple idea of hell was formed from what the stuff they had. And that was, you know, burning alive on a hot poker up the arse, right? Simple stuff that they could imagine, right? Whereas nowadays, hell is more imagined by, like, you know, what we can imagine. And there's a lot worse we can imagine, you know?

Yeah. Like, God, just think about being talked to by, you know, a boring old woman for, like, half know, what we can imagine. And there's a lot worse we can imagine, you know? Like, God, just think about being talked to by, you know, a boring old woman for like half an hour. God, that's terrible. Terrible. I hate that stuff. What about eternally being stuck in a hospital waiting room with a bunch of bronies?

That would be pretty bad too. Exactly. Like, oh, or being transported to a room full of a big Magic the Gathering tournament and everywhere there's a butt crack and you can't get a big Magic the Gathering tournament. And everywhere you look, there's a butt crack. And you can't get out. All the doors are locked. There's just butt cracks forever.

Sweaty, hairy butt cracks of fat, sweaty nerds. Everywhere you look. Just fat, sweaty butt cracks. That's a heaven for me. But it just shows that one man's trash is another man's treasure, I guess. Yeah. Well, some people, I'm sure, some sweaty monks are, you know, wanking off over that, and good for them.

Maybe that's some people's idea of heaven. The thing is, we can't know. We don't know. And the thing is, as we move forward in time, because here's one of those would-you-rather questions, like classically, it's like, would you rather be transported back in time 500 years or forward in time 500 years, right?

Imagine in 500 years, we're all up in like fucking futurama spinning yeah but what if in 500 years time and nobody could predict this the the earth is fragmented because it's been um it's like another big celestial body slammed into it and there's no life left on earth so you you you go forward 500 years and you instantly burn to death and die. Well, I mean, that would be bad, obviously. You'd send a little probe out first to have a nose around it. Like a time probe, just to say like... Launch the time probe.

And you could just... The time probe can have a look about and you can go to that exact point, you know, and be like, cool. I don't know about this time probe. What's wrong with a time probe? You can send a person, you can send a time probe. Well, then you could do window shopping and you could like, you know, min- cool i don't know about this time probe like what's wrong with the time probe you can send a person you can send a time probe well then you can do window shopping and you could like you know min max your experience and stuff you would have to min max it if you're time traveling holy shit so anyway like imagine what their hell is like their hell is like oh imagine could you imagine being like flopped on by a greebulon you know that's gotta be a bad one right but we don't

know that might be what hell is like or what about flarping into a stuffed gremlin as well original sin there's a lot of talk about burning in the bible when it comes to hell i found 20 verses about it and there's generally there's lots of talk about fiery lakes of sulfur yeah a really hot forge well they weren't very imaginative is all I'm saying. No, they weren't imaginative. I think back in the day, though, blacksmithing was like the new and, you know, like now it's like I design iPads and that's like the new big job, isn't it? You shall be cast into the fiery pit of eternal web development.

But back then it was like, I'm the town blacksmith. And everybody's like, ooh, because he forges metal and fire whatever so that's what like back then that was like the big upcoming job and everybody was obsessed with it and that's why a lot of a lot of the kids wanted to be blacksmith that's it that's why that's why a lot of the imagery around you know heaven and hell and stuff is based in and around blacksmithing i also think in the whole that the scariest thing most people would have seen would have been a big fire yeah i mean yeah i mean what else i mean obviously there would have been natural disasters just like there are now but they wouldn't have seen the the fucking the tanks of the third reich rolling across the plains

of their village they wouldn't have seen planes dropping bombs they wouldn't have seen nuclear weapons they wouldn't have seen they'd never seen a wouldn't have seen nuclear weapons, they wouldn't have seen... They'd never seen a brony. They'd never met a brony. They'd never flopped on a stuffed grubulon. They'd never seen none of that. How can they possibly have any perception of what hell is really like? It's this supernatural, omniscient thing that stretches into the distant future, and it's

as foreign to us now, theoretically, as it would have been to them then to the point that if we go back now with all of our technology we'd be they'd be like you know what the fuck is this yeah they'd say burn i feel like a lot of the stuff that they stuff toy that you're having sex with you weirdo yeah we'd be like this everyone's doing it yeah god if you took someone from 2000 years ago now and you said to them, if you read a lot of the verses in the Bible, sexual perversion is a big thing for them. That's a big, bad thing.

Sodom and Gomorrah, those guys were up to all sorts, to the point where the entire city, God just levelled it, which is pretty fucking hardcore. He's obviously dead against that. But most of those folks would have had no idea about things like fleshlights. You know what I mean? If you showed us, they'd be like,

what do you mean a fleshlight? You'd be like, well, it's a piece of rubber and you fuck it. And they'd be like, you're going to hell. Yeah, that's it. That's it. I know that's not in the Bible specifically, but that should be covered.

What we need to do is we need to update the Bible with all of this extra pervs shit in it. Yeah. What's that? What's that passage from the Bible that I only know about because of Ghostbusters, where they're talking about it's going to rain cats and dogs and river of fire and a plague of locusts and flooding and stuff like that. Yeah. I feel like a lot of that stuff is dated now, though, because, you know, nowadays,

like if any of that stuff happens, there though because you know nowadays like if any of that stuff happens there'd be some way around it or some when they talk about the flood you just say well we've got the thames barrier haven't we yeah exactly we got sandbags and whatever you know like there's there's there's ways to like deal with this stuff so that it wouldn't be the world ending catastrophe that it's like described in the bible. Yeah. But the Bible didn't somehow... I mean, yeah, locusts were like, that's terrible for them, right? For example, the Bible never once mentions the internet. And I think that it would be a bigger catastrophe

if everybody just lost internet access. Yeah. You know, like straight away. Did they mention volcanoes at all in the Bible? They never mentioned... Yeah, they did. I'm pretty sure they did in the Bible. But they never mentioned satellites either.

Like, what if all the satellites just stopped working and we couldn't, like, you know, do our Instagram posts and stuff? Fuck me. Well, I would say this

to anyone who's ever used a flashlight or hugged a body pillow or been a brony. Listen to this from Mark 9, verse 43. Okay, this applies to me 100%.

I'm ready. If your hand causes you to stumble, which I guess means to sin, cut it off. Right. It is better for you to enter life maimed. I mean, it's there in black and white. Yes, really.

That's all there is to it. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell where the fire never goes out. It never goes out. Yeah. There is a fire that never goes out. It's a very famous song by Morrissey.

Yes, Morrissey sang about hell. Who's probably also going to hell at some point. Just for being such a joy vacuum and a miserable person. I think it was the same as one of his bands, wasn't it? Joy Vacuum. Joy Vacuum, yeah. And the hellbound fleshlight user. That's what the song Highway to hell was all about it's about overusing your fleshlight oh fuck i mean i just think there are lots of things that we consider acceptable nowadays that

christians aren't saying that using fleshlights means you're hellbound i don't know what the christ Christian stance is on fleshlights though. I mean, I've met some of them that are dead against masturbation. And I mean, I checked out of religion at that point. why would, so what's the deal with that then?

What's wrong with masturbating? Like, why is it? Thou shalt not spill thy seed on the ground. Right. Okay. Is that, is that,

in other words, it's got to go in a woman. It doesn't go on the ground for me though. Usually it just goes like into my hand or like right down the drain when I'm in the shower. We've got modern techniques. I guess in the past, they just fucking yanked it out on the ground in the dirt and kicked some dirt. They didn't have showers or privacy, I guess, back then. Yeah, I guess.

That's why, you know the symbol of the fish that Christians have in their carved windows at the back window. It's like that fish. I mean, they say that that was like the secret symbol because of the, I guess, yeah, Jesus would paint that. He just, you know, if you were a Christian, you'd make a subtle fish with your toe to show other people like, I'm a Christian. You know what I'm saying? They'd be like, and then you can just rub it out. I'm thinking. There's any Jews lying around, I'll lick it up.

The real reason that they were making this fishing is to cover up all the piles of cum that everyone's leaving in the fucking mountains of cum everywhere that's him scuffing out

jizz and they're like oh Jesus is making a special symbol with his foot no he's marking out where some dirty bastard

jerked on the fucking ground cardinal sin he's like right that's it rule one of God yeah we don't do this fucking spunking on

the ground anymore please yes jesus it's like someone's got really pissed off they've written a list of rules and it's ended up turning like getting into the bible it's like oh yeah let's fucking put this list of rules in there i can tell you right now no one that wrote the bible was a parent i guarantee you there's nothing in there about tidying your room scraping your plate yeah none of that there's thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother that's pretty fucking vague i want specifics when i tell you it's bedtime you go to bed if i say lights out at 8 30 it's lights out at 8 30 and don't dick about that's rule one yeah that's rule one you know what you say you're hungry and i give you dinner eat your sodding dinner that's rule two i could go on yeah no i

could as well what i've decided recently is that i don't know if you agree with this being a parent yourself flax is that for me i don't understand why people insist on sitting down and eating together like i find i find dinner time a nightmare with kids it's very stressful i want holy fuck you're constantly like yeah sit up straight sit properly do that watch don't put your hands on that your hands are covered in mashed potato don't don't touch that wait to be wait to have your hands wiped can you stop talking please and just eat come on eat your dinner now no you can't be full you've only had one like that's like it goes on and on and on the entire

duration of a meal but then when you meet up with like extended family or friends and stuff like let's go out for a meal you're like oh fuck no like i'm not going like i'm not going to subject you to this i it's bad enough that i have to live through it every day so i think they should ban family meals i think they're garbage i'll be honest with you day to day i don't bother sitting down no i mean either i stand up in the kitchen and eat after my kids have eaten. Yeah. Because otherwise it's a nightmare. I'll go and eat and watch the news. Yeah, yeah. They're in the kitchen.

I mean, I can see them. And I generally, I want it to be a boring experience for them day to day. I don't want this to be the highlight of the day because I think that makes people just focus on food too much. Here's your dinner. Eat your dinner. Yeah, yeah. Eat your dinner and then go back to doing what you're doing. Yeah, they get on with it.

And if they're dawdling, I'm just like, you're staying up there until you're finished. Nice and boring. Get on with it back to doing what you're doing they get on with it and if they're dawdling i'm just like you're staying up there till you're finished nice and boring get on with it and then they actually do whereas if you make it like a fun thing yeah i mean who the fuck has time i mean i don't i don't live some kind of idyllic mediterranean lifestyle where we sit out in the evening under an arboretum and yeah you've got like a huge bowl filled with like fresh salad greens and stuff like that no No, that's not the way it is. Fucking turkey dinosaurs with ketchup. Like pluck a tomato off the tree and like an old woman comes by with a basket and brings you like some cow's mozzarella. Oh, Mr. Perions, oh, we've just freshly farmed these herbs from my garden.

Would you like to add them to your ratatouille? Come sit with us and we shall dine for hours and the children will stay up until midnight and drink wine with us also ha ha ha you know that kind of thing

no instead I'm like they're like I'm hungry I'm like cool I've cooked a pie here's the pie here's some mash

here's some vegetables eat it here you go and then it's bedtime it's pouring with rain and freezing cold and dark at five o'clock in spring

so you're like fuck this shit Mrs. F actually hates eating with the kids because they hold their knife and fork wrong because they're little you know so you're like fuck this shit mrs mrs f actually hates eating with the kids because they hold their knife and fork wrong because they're little you know so she's like of course don't hold your fork and that hand and your knife and what are you doing cut properly you know i'm just like as long as the food goes in them job done yeah they can learn all the manners and stuff when they're older we do go out for meals quite often they're very good like they're very

well behaved they eat their food they're very good in restaurants because we take them out quite a lot. But day to day? Come on, man. I ain't sitting through that shit. I sometimes worry about how, because my routine is I get back home at 8 o'clock or whatever, shove a microwave meal in the microwave, and then just eat it out of the tub while I'm walking from the microwave to my computer. You eat in the bathtub?

Like sit down. Yeah, yeah. Pay no attention. He it out of the tub like while I'm walking from the microwave to my computer. You eat in the bathtub? Like sit down. Yeah, yeah. Like no attention. He does everything in the tub. He gets home, he takes all his clothes off, he eats in the tub, then he doesn't need to get up to go to the bathroom or anything. He can just do it all in the tub.

So there's no water in the tub. He just sits in an empty tub. Well, you can add water like to wash away the filth after you've fouled in the tub sort of thing. Foul! It's like the guy from Truman Show. Remember that guy that just sits in the tub it's like the guy from uh truman show remember that guy that just sits in the tub all the time it's like that what a life yeah we should all aspire to be more like that guy fair play to you lewis honestly that's a way to live yeah i

mean it's it's like it's not that you know but i worry that for example because my only real piece of cutlery is a fork jimmy i you could just get plastic ones from most takeaway places. Don't get plastic. Just chuck them out. I'm not a fan of ruining the world with that sort of stuff too much. I like... Well, I mean, you're using a microwave, so you might as well just go

full hog. That's true. What do you mean? I mean, I'm already a disaster. Yesterday, actually, I decided to add an avocado to my meal. And I fucking did the old stupid middle class thing of slicing my hand open. I just cut like a big old gash in my finger. You're right. And it bled like fucking everywhere.

I lifted my arm above my head and it just dripped all over. The blood dripped all over me. Yeah, you're meant to cover the wound first. I ran to the bathroom and dripped blood everywhere as i went got some tissue paper drip blood everywhere and i was like oh this is embarrassing did you clean it up it's fine now i'm not like it's not like scabbed over but it's like i did clean it up i didn't just leave like just leave it as a warning to people because if a burglar comes in there's blood everywhere they're piecing like real quick you could have practiced your cleanup technique for you know yeah there's like a hundred brony

dolls in there rubberized in there as well like piled up and just a pile it's like a big pile of used kleenex like nearby just to wipe them down yeah this my place is a real hellhole sounds great sounds great yeah yeah oh god you guys should visit actually uh you showed me your place last time i was over it wasn't actually as hellish as you described it's pretty nice it's pretty nice just place yeah i never saw the uh basement dungeon place so oh no i never saw it i'd ask but you put the diaper on like i asked though and yeah the handcuffs i thought it was kind of weird when you're like do you want to come see my house and the whole house was like covered in plastic and you insisted on me wearing a diaper but i went along with it anyway because you know we're friends and stuff but um it was

kind of you yeah would you would you rather have unlimited tacos for life or unlimited sushi for life oh it's gotta be for me tacos i think for sure god exactly would you rather go back to h5 with everything you know now or know now everything your future self will learn um god would you would you rather be able to control animals with your mind or control electronics with your mind okay you can't you kind of do already control animals with your mind or control electronics with your mind okay you can't you kind of do already control electronics with your mind though don't you like i mean you have to use your fingers like at your mind's request to to to action at all but i mean you can't really control mind control an animal would you rather be reincarnated as a fly or just cease to exist after you die

I'd rather just die yeah exactly I just want to be dead now just right now the fuck do you know what I did some gardening

at the weekend we went to went to Squires Garden Centre shout out to Squires towards Hampton very nice Squires podcast is not not sponsored by Squires

no affiliation with Squires if you want to support the podcast we've got a i on the saturday i dug up the the bed at the back got all the rocks and cat shit and all the rest of it that's in what kind of bed are we talking about here like eternal rest sort of thing or flower bed right do you find any skeletons no skeletons um you weren't digging graves in your backyard wasn't digging graves in the backyard um good good just got the soil ready. Well, the cat occasionally poops in there, right? Occasionally.

She generally goes into the back garden of the Russian spy house because it's more private. But she was sometimes pooping ours. So, dug it all out and got it ready. Got rid of all the weeds, a ton of weeds. Because I've realized that the bird feeder, when the little little seeds fall out some of them go into the ground so there's like all these little wheat and various grasses growing around the bird feeder sort of in the in the dirt so I had to dig all those up got it all ready went out and bought a load of lovely plants planted them found all these worms and I realized because we hadn't done any gardening for a few years my youngest hadn't really had much exposure to the bugs that live in the garden the way my

oldest had so my oldest doesn't care about any insects at all actually like she's not fussed i thought you said she'd be like shitting in the garden she loves insects so i found this huge worm she's like oh give it to me and i put it in her hand she's like way just eats it and my youngest was like screaming she's like ah what is that this worm that we found i'm not kidding it was the thickness of my my thumb it was huge this thing was huge and i was like look at the size this snake she was screaming like she was absolutely petrified and i realized she'd never she hadn't spent time with me gardening the way my eldest had because we just hadn't been doing much gardening for the last few years the garden's been a mess we've been waiting to have it redone and now we've had it redone but she's she's lacked that early early life experience and exposure to

insects but uh it was really nice the only problem was while we're in the kitchen waiting to get things done put all the seeds out some new birds have turned up there's these two pigeons on the fence they're eyeing up that big worm oh no no they're like that's a fucking hell of a that's like a german sausage looks like that's a fucking hell of a sausage. That's like a German sausage. It's like the frankfurter of worms. Yeah, it's a breakfast. We were having, we had some people over for Sunday lunch. It's like two families, lots of kids, you know, we're eating Sunday lunch and there's these two pigeons, these same two pigeons on the back fence. And they sort of, the male pigeon is sort of dancing around next to the female pigeon. And she just sort of bends over and if you've

ever seen a pigeon have sex his his dick sort of comes out of the middle of his his stomach it just emerges through the feathers and he just hops on he just shakes like crazy and then they're done and they just chill can you just can you describe that like they used to describe um sexual encounters in like a playboy magazine you know like with struggle i could struggle um you're like don't call it his dick call it his throbbing love pump and yeah his throbbing love pump you have to put a lot of like yeah colorful terminology around it i i if i had time i could but i can't on the off the cuff but so the entire family's like oh look at the pigeons and then they start fucking. So I was like,

god damn. So every time I see these two pigeons, my kids are like straight at the window trying to get their eye on some more pigeon sex. They were fascinated.

They're like, look at that other pigeon. It's riding on the back of that other pigeon. I was like, ah. Go to hell for watching that. They're making baby pigeons.

And they were like, really? This was the first time they'd ever seen anything like this in their lives. Being out in the garden now, all the little birds keep turning up and they're all just having sex all the time, these damn pigeons. It's uh, yeah, it's my life. The fuck is that?

It's like a pigeon, I don't think I've ever seen that. Maybe I have but I just didn't realise what I was watching. Maybe I've just not been perving over pigeons too closely. I mean you see them- And they're having sex all the time? Yeah. I mean here's the thing, You see pigeons all the time. You know when the male pigeon,

he roughs up his feathers and goes... And they sort of, they walk around like real big trying to show off and the lady pigeons are like and fly away.

But these two wood pigeons... Yeah, that's usually how it works for me as well. Yeah. But these two wood pigeons, they've been paired up for like a year now. His first wife died last year.

Right. He's found a new wife right so she was like yeah cool like he did the dance she was like yeah let's just get on with it no problem was that when he used to run the used car car lot now he's a pigeon now he now he owns the cafe and he's got in he's got a new wife and do you know what happened it's like an episode of eastenders they asked him a would you. Would you rather that your garage business ends or that you reincarnate as a wood pigeon? And he chose wood pigeon.

Nice. The garage business is gone. So that's the only possible explanation. Right. Fucking good for him. That's great. That's just great. Was it an illegal garage business?

Yeah, that one. I've talked about it before many times. It's gone. Have you? Yeah. I mean, the loads of people are always asking me about it? Yeah, that one. I've talked about it before many times. It's gone. Have you? Yeah. I mean, loads of people are always asking me about it. Hey, Perrion. Can we have an update on Perrion?

They crossed the street, the illegal garage. Yeah. Well, it's gone. It's gone. They closed it down. Yeah, they brought in parking restrictions and he couldn't have 12 cars up on bricks anymore. He would have had to pay for the parking for them,

so he's gone. It was a great success. Why didn't he just Wallace and Grom at his house and put a whole bunch of levers and pulleys and stack the cars up like alongside the the house and work on them that well because he he's a wood pigeon now isn't he he doesn't have the opposable digits that'll be why he's just having sex glorious fucking pigeons in front of your face yeah he's like, I'll show you, you bastard. Do you reckon like- Don't complain about my garage, will you? So, okay, here you go, here's a question. Is soil brown because it's like, millions of years of stuff like shitting in it? No.

No. And like mould and shit. That's not the explanation. I don't know what the explanation is, but that is definitely not it. Is soil just the years of tree shit and stuff mouldering down into mouldy shit? Like dead stuff. It's dead stuff. Like it's mainly dead leaves and dead plant matter and some dead animals. But think about it. Mixed with shit.

Yeah, but again, it's not like that stuff doesn't get reprocessed by things that live in the ground. So the idea that there's millions and millions of years of shit piled up, for one thing, it would have been eaten by bacteria. But like that cat shit, you know, that just gets mixed in. Yeah, but it eventually goes away. Like, it's not like you're literally digging up whole poops. Like, there's all bacteria. The soil is teeming with bacteria.

It's like pissing in the sea. You know, I'm not saying the sea's made of piss. It dilutes it. I'm just saying that over millions of years... You're saying that the shit has been diluted so that it's not like pure concentrated shit anymore. I want to know what percentage of soil is made up of shit. 0.00001% is made up of dangerous shit.

Because all the oil and coal and shit in the world was made up of old plants that died on the bottom of the sea and stuff right fossils and crushed over years and all the dead dead plant matter and there's millions of fucking millions of tons of that dead oily reptiles it's a mixture of organic matter minerals gases liquids and organisms it's just it's just like a whole bunch of stuff are you tapping your microphone by the way s, Sips? Oh, no, sorry. Is that coming through? That's weird.

I was like, no, I'm like jiggling my leg under the desk. He's fluffing it. He's fluffing it. It's stuffed. It's fucking humping a cushion. You fucking fluff it away, aren't you? Yeah, you guys do that when you're sitting down? Do you ever just move your leg and stuff? Do you know how to stop that?

What, how? If you move your foot out so that you're you're you're it is it is out from your knee instead of under your knee right it's just the nerve it's just the nerve in your knee it's sort of a yeah it's a reflex thing so if you put your foot out more like you're taking now i'm just flexing my calves i'm just now you can flex your calves that's cool yeah you should try standing up you should try standing up for the for the like i do i'm standing up right now should try standing up for the, like I do. I'm standing up right now.

No, thanks. Well, I'm not really standing up. I'm kind of like leaning over. You're hunched. No, I'm quite happy to sit. Thanks. So you're hunched over your computer talking about fleshlights. Yeah, that's right.

While Sip's audibly masturbates on the podcast. While I'm audibly masturbating on the podcast, yeah. Just want to raise awareness that it's okay if you're, you know, if you're rubbing your pina colada daily. Pina colada daily just go for it man just so so so did you did you what did you do in the garden did you just turn it over or did you just like dig it over did you plant something i have a surprising number of tools you may be surprised to hear like do you own a sledgehammer no no i'm not a sledgehammer no but i do have like a pitchfork and a shovel and some other stuff i've got a sledgehammer oh my god i just got a wonderful

image of you holding a pitchfork outside your house sips with your wife next to you like that like that famous painting yeah the farmer yeah i mean yeah you once you've once you've lived in a house long enough you just acquire these things you know what i mean like i needed it it's true at one point you acquired a sledgehammer yeah i needed it well you need it for one specific thing and then you just have a sledgehammer yeah yeah your life i needed it because at one point we had some things in the back garden when we first moved in this big old tree stump and i needed to move it out and the only way i couldn't pull it out because it's very hard like these things are a tree stump is serious like it wasn't a massive tree sledgehammer just bounce off the tree stump no because what i would do is i got a

pick i got a pickaxe and i would work that underneath the base of the root and then pull it up like a lever action but then to knock it free i used the um the sledgehammer to just knock it over so i could eventually drag it out. And we also had these weird metal poles that were obviously for some kind of clothes drying thing. So knocking those back and forth to the sledgehammer meant I loosened them enough to actually be able to pull them out. It's just, I mean, it's not expensive. It's not like your fucking sledgehammer

sets you back hundreds and hundreds of pounds. They're not costly. No. Because it's just a bit of wood with a bit of metal on the end. It's not difficult. But you do subsequently find, where's my pick pitch pickaxe you know and you use that or a fork or whatever so yeah i was just stabbing stuff in the back bed trying not to hit too many worms but uh yeah it was it was good it was very satisfying i hadn't done it in a while weeding

you know it's fun yeah get that shit done i gotta do lots of weeding now for um my tortoise because he eats all the weeds so he eats the weeds he eats dandelion leaves oh that's so handy so you just like you pick it all because you're gonna pick it anyway and then you just um wash it off a little bit for him and give it to him and he eats it is he happy yeah he's pretty happy yeah does he ever display any kind of acknowledgement of your existence like this yeah yeah yeah he responds like if you go up to his cage and you talk to him and stuff, he looks at you and comes over to you sometimes and stuff. Hey, Sips. Hey there, guy who feeds me.

Got any more of those dandelion leaves? Comes up to the bars. Yeah, he's like, yeah,'s surprisingly he's just like this little like slow moving guy but actually can move pretty fast when he wants to and surprisingly has quite a nice nice little personality to him as well it's like i don't know it's what it's one of those things with smaller animals you you wonder if do they actually have a personality or is that you just creating one for them like based on what you see or you want to see from them sort of thing but either way it works i mean like suppose you do

do that i think you like a little a little a little fucking cheeky squirrel or something you might think oh he's a bit of an asshole yeah yeah you look at his face and you're like oh he's a little conniving shithead isn't he like i've seen that look before but like then all all squirrels look pretty much the same i guess so like i don't know i think slightly bigger animals can definitely ever think you'd find yourself in a situation where you favor one squirrel over another no you know you see one and you're like oh he's so so kind and gentle natured and this other guy's a fucker yeah yeah i know that's true I watched a video about this woman

who had a she had a beaver live in her house she had she rescued a beaver right you know and it was like

it was real sweet and it had like a little personality he would collect things from around the house and he would build dams just in the hallway like he had this instinct

to build dams so he like her front doormat out of what like lego everything anything that was like all his clothing right like he had this instinct to build dams. So he like, her front doormat. Of what, like Lego? Everything. Anything that was like, all his clothing, cushions from the sofa, bits of carpet, bits of rug, towels, everything.

He just, bath mats, he dragged them off to dam up the hallway with. Then he'd run the taps in the bath. Man, it's incredible how hardwired animals are. Like, you know like uh guinea pigs from the moment they're born they know how to do everything they need to do for the rest of their life yeah like it's insane i don't get it like they know because guinea pigs eat like um uh certain shits that they produce sure like every every couple of shits that they do most of their shits are just like you know shits that are you know just pure waste or whatever some every once in a while they do like a shit that's like super rich in nutrients

or whatever and they'd be going to hell for that that's and they have to eat it because it rebalances their gutty work sort of thing all guinea pigs are in hell but they know to do this which blows my mind like if you if if i was expected to eat one out of every 10 of my shits i would fail so miserably and i die probably as a result yeah how do they just know small animals just know how to do this stuff oh it's crazy i mean i guess it's just one of the reasons when we think about like you know people think about if humans disappeared what animal would replace them yeah i think we often assume it would be something like oh they'd be really clever rats would come along or whatever but i

mean there's really not much going on yeah in those creatures there's no creativity they've got what they need i mean you'd need some random super smart rat to come along or like a guinea pig that was like a fucking genius the mind genius well they'd have to be like um they'd have to have like uh like sentience first though right like i don't think well we didn't originally whatever we evolved from originally was just a dumb animal just like a guinea i guess so yeah what do you think is the most likely then to to to probably like what dolphins i guess they're like i mean if we go not i wouldn't say they're close but i suppose they're closer than most like i would say a dolphin has a better chance than like fucking like a garden worm for example i think it's impossible to yeah i agree but i think it's

impossible to suppose i mean if you look at whales would you have suggested pretty intelligent right but originally they were like they evolved from the same animal as hippos yeah so originally they were land-based creatures and then they fucked off into the ocean and became whales you would never have predicted that no you know what i mean that's not something so i don't i don't think i don't think we can really predict because it's too random yeah this is why i think it's not designed it's as dangerous to travel 500 years ahead of time that it is to travel 500 years back in time because what if you travel 500 years back in time. Because what if you travel 500 years back in time and you're expecting to see some hippos and it's like, yeah, no, the whales haven't reached land yet.

Well, that would be longer than 500 years, wouldn't it? No, it's just an example. I'm not saying that, you know, what if there's like some weird thing that you're like really disappointed about? Going back 500 years you know yeah it's no Starbucks

no there's no internet for one thing why am I going to get all my Brody porn when am I going to get to go to this Magic the Gathering tournament loads of stuff missing hello good day fair merchant where art thou fleshlights my body pillow I've been using this Oh, good day, fair merchant. Where art thou fleshlights?

My body pillow. I've been using this wool-heb sack filled with straw. It's just not the same. It is most rough against mine personage. I'm looking for a body pillow in the theme of anime titties. Do you have such wares available in your fine establishment? Here, I have drawn thee a sample. What is this devilry thou hast drawn? Tis anime, good sir.

I'll add it to the Bible right now. I reckon a lot of people would be dead happy to go back. Thou must never take a waifu. Or a husbando. You could go back and call people Milady and no one would blink. You could say, ah, Milady, and people would be like, he's not just a neckbeard. He's just a regular dude. Yeah, that is such a neckbeard thing now, isn't it?

Nobody uses Milady except for a fucking fedora-wearing, neckbearded, Cheeto-flake-covered, mountain-deuce, stinking-ass breath. They respect women, Simps. They respect women they respect women oh fucking neck I read a thing yesterday that said like you shouldn't this is some neck beard he was like you shouldn't ever shake hands with a woman and there's this whole list of reasons for it what was the reason did it have to do with the humors their humors are located in their hands and to squeeze them vastly in a masculine handshake disrupts the humors in the female body, and they shall enter menopause.

They excrete a hormone which will make all of your testosterone weak. Chad knows this, which is why Chad only high-fives women. Oh, my God. All hail Chad. Yeah, the world. that would all be that would all be banned just saying just throwing that out there yeah probably man like yeah so i think like it'd probably be another 500 million years before we see like dolphins or whatever evolved it would take a long ass time i think nobody's some mammals are gonna survive it would be another thing like

us i honestly there's a reason we're numero uno it's a very efficient way of being being us yeah and i don't think that we would need to be replaced we would go humans might disappear but some fucking mammals gonna turn into something like this eventually i would just love a glimpse into like the into like the stages of like uh societal evolution of dolphins though can you imagine like the dolphins going through like the 80s or something for example that'd be hilarious fuck me that'd be so funny i would love to live long enough to to witness that man you know nice dolphin counterculture it'd be awesome they're in their grunge phase yeah oh my god did you there was there's

that show on netflix robots loves love death and robots i think it's called yeah yeah i watched it it was it wasn't bad there was some nice ideas it was like a mini twilight zone each episode which i thought was quite yeah i kind of like series like that i'll check that out i mean some of them are literally just beautifully animated, but the story feels like an afterthought some of the time. I hope that that's becoming a thing now. I really love the format of Buster Scruggs as well. I just thought I love the short story sort of like 10, 15-minute thing. I've always loved short stories.

I loved reading short stories, and I'd love for more series to just be based around that sort of format. It's a good format. Like a season of things with like maybe episodes of 10 to 15 minute short stories or whatever. And they don't need to be profound or groundbreaking or anything. Just like as long as there's nice like cinematography, good music. Black Mirror is a good example as well. Actors and shit like really great.

Awesome. Short stories. I grew up reading like Philip K. Dick and Arthur C. Clarke's sort of short story anthologies man and they were

fucking some of them were garbage but there was an idea in there little glimpses little glimmer some of them

are so good you're like holy shit you could write just a gigantic book about this one idea but it worked so well and often the whole movie

like a lot of Stephen King movies are just based on short stories he's written that were throwaway kind of running man was a novella expanded out for example yeah and some of them and the green mile was like uh like a five-part short stories series sort of thing wasn't it i think the short story format turns into a movie way better than a novel yeah i think so yeah it gives you more leeway because you no one goes i didn't like the actor they chose to portray these characters no no it's just an idea and you can expand on it definitely i think some of the best movies have been just very simple ideas you know like you

look at a lot of the movies that like well like we would have grown up watching like in the 80s and stuff like that a lot of the comedies and stuff were just super fucking simple, like a really simple idea. But like, you know, pretty funny or quirky or good or whatever. And it fits the space of a movie perfectly, right? Like, you know, an hour and a half to two hours. Sometimes now, if they're trying to adapt a movie based on a very, very big book, and they're trying to cram it into two hours, they have to skip forward so much stuff, you know? Like, it's too detailed to fit it all in. and then you get into these big fucking trilogies and then you just think to yourself christ i need

to reevaluate my life why am i spending all my time watching and thinking about this stuff when i could be doing other things and you know what i mean like it was on and on and on about stuff and use your brain i mean i was playing this game disagree, but we'll just have to agree to disagree. Anyway, that's enough podcast for today. We could carry on going, but we got to stream. We got to wrap it up. Yeah, we need to don't stop. Listen, avid listeners, two weeks.

We're on a two-week break because of me. You could blame me for it, but we won't be back. You'll be missing two weeks of podcast, but we'll be back the week after that two weeks, unless one of you guys is going away as well. Because's april if you sign up on the patreon um you should have been charged for the first time only like only a few people signed up for march um but a lot of people sign up in march and they get charged at the start of every month so i think 10 people bought a jug so 10 people did a hundo wow so if you guys change your donation back to like or stop it i'll get you again i'll get you some jugs sent out so

i've actually got the jugs have been made and we got certificates also also and i think we got i think we got 100 jugs maybe made total so we're gonna get 10 of them out limited edition jugging but if there is now an outbreak of jugging around Britain. Well, thank you very much, everybody. That's great. Yeah, and when we run out, I'm going to stop the $100 tier. So you can't sign up anymore. Jugs don't jug people. People jug people.

That's right. No liability. Jug responsibly. Thanks for the support. Thank you for the love. Try Force Podcast Patreon. You can find it. Just Google it.

And we're also doing a little bit of streaming, but you can find that as well. All right. All right. Bye, everybody. Peace out. See you later. as well alright, bye everybody, see you later bye bye bye