Triforce! - Triforce! #99: Asking the Real Questions

Episode Date: May 8, 2019

Triforce! Episode 99! Who haven't we offended, what do birds actually eat, will the Earth correct itself naturally, would you fall for a pyramid scheme and can you stand your parents? We're asking the REAL questions today! Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Oh man, I just did my mark like right at the start of my audio feed. It's incredible. Oh, that's a great mark. That's a real smooth. You know what? That's the mark of a pro. The mark of a pro.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, we've been doing this for a long time now. 99 episodes, this is. What are we going to do for the 100th? Well, I talked to Tom Hazel about it, who edits it, and he said I could put together... Don't do anything. Quit. I hate the show.

I'm sick of editing it. I'm done. Well, I thought we could do the thing we used to do, which is tweet out, and then people could send us their favourite bits, and we could talk about things that people... I don't know. People have got stories. Basically, I looked at the Patreon today, this morning, just now, and there's a guy called Josh Hanley who messaged and he said, hey guys, just want to say thanks

to you guys in a major way. About a year and a half ago, my grandma was diagnosed with late stage ovarian cancer. Oh, fuck, have we started? Yeah, we started. Oh, shit. I'm so sorry, I was reading something. Hi, everybody.

But you were recording, right? Yeah, I'm recording. I was reading something. Hi, everybody. But you were recording, right? Yeah, I'm recording. Oh, thank God. As my grandpa had a stroke not too long ago and was unable to drive, I moved back in with my grandparents to help them out with driving to appointments, to and fro, etc. During that time, me and my grandma drove to a seemingly endless amount of doctor appointments, tests, and chemo sessions. This gave me a chance to come closer with my grandma and also gave us a chance to listen to every episode of the Triforce podcast. Oh, my God.

And we both loved it. I'm so sorry. Yeah. My grandma's favorite episode was the one with the portage serial killer. Whoa, whoa, whoa. His grandmother's listening to the Triforce podcast? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they do it in the car.

But we did the thing about old people fucking in the old folks' home and stuff. I know. I'm sure she was listening. That's why she was listening to that. She was like... We can't be worried home and stuff. I know, I'm sure she was listening. That's why she was listening to that. We can't be worried about that stuff. Finally, a podcast about old people fucking. It's about time. I've been waiting.

Oh man, that's ruined. We carved out our niche. My grandma's favorite episode was the one with the portage serial killer. Since we are Canadian, she loved to laugh about the idea of a portage serial killer with her friends and family.

She has since lost her fight with cancer. Anyway, thanks for providing me and my grandmother a lot of hours of laughs and entertainment. There you go. Well, I'm glad she enjoyed it. So, yeah. But fucking hell. I didn't realize the audience was going to involve people I was talking about listening to the show. I thought it was just a bunch of nerds on the internet like me.

You don't have any control. You can't put like a questionnaire like before downloading this podcast. Are you between these ages like every every segment of the population that we've offended we've like slagged off millennials like every like who hasn't though I mean come on despite the fact that we are basically well you Well, you are, yeah. We've slagged off dads and moms and kids. We've slagged off everyone. Come on, no one's safe. I'm surprised there's anyone listening at all at this point.

There isn't. No, that's the thing. I don't think there's that many people out there. That's the evidence of gradually whittling down. All that racist and misogynistic stuff we've cut as well. We are so out of touch. I mean, it's crazy. I think we're bang on the zeitgeist.

I think we're, I think, you know what? I'm finding it harder and harder to relate to younger people now. It's a sign of my age. They come at me with all this stuff and I'm just like, what? I think that's the ultimate old person saying. Yeah. I'm finding it harder and harder to X. It's like like you know

sustain an erection or you know hold my pee you know like man just the stuff that young people waste their time being interested in reading and stuff as well blows my mind like i would use is wasted on the young that's right sip just another old what kind of stuff do you think they're reading and doing that that's that's no good i don't know man like this all you know like uh this like like last week i was talking about that guy's crying about star wars like that kind of shit um you know like all this like marvel and end game and game of thrones like get fucking get over it it's a tv fucking series and it's ending this season like jesus christ like why do people just lose their minds about this stuff? I was very annoyed at people's reaction to that episode.

There was a lot of nerdy, like just noise, people whining. I don't understand it. What are you moaning about? Fucking find something to do. Jesus Christ. It's going to be done in three episodes and then you're going to have to find something else to do with your dumb fucking time. But more than that, it's really fucking good. Like, are you serious?

I don't think they remember how shit TV was for how long. It's only in the last 20 years, really, TV's been any fucking good. It's crazy. It was awful. We don't know how good we got. For most of the time TV's been around, it's been fucking awful. I appreciate how good we have it. You know what?

I watch my stories, and I love them. You know, I think back to when I was a kid and how bad shit was, and now I'm like, I'm living the dream. This is why Grandma can relate to this fucking podcast. I agree with you, period. TV's not what it used to be. Back in the day when you had TV. It's better than it used to be. Grandma, I'm saying it's better. It's better than it used to be. Back in the day when you had your TV. It's better than it used to be.

Grandma, I'm saying it's better. It's better than it used to be. God, Grandma. We had to hold the aerial out in the garden, see if you could get a signal. And even then, old, what's it called? Two houses on the prairie. Wow, we all used to crawl around the box. Two houses on the prairie.

We had a four-inch screen. It was four inches wide and ten inches deep. Two houses. Greedy. Man, it's like those people who use two crutches as well. Fucking so greedy. Just use one. Yeah, just favor one crutch over the other.

It's easy. I mean, oh, jeez. Look, we are living in a blessed age, and people are upset about everything, and they like to complain. People love to complain. Oh, my God god it's so satisfying i love complain i'm complaining about complaining that's how far yeah that's how that's how certainly it's circular complaining has become we live in a blessed age in some regards but shit's shit's really bad in a lot

of other ways yeah i think that's what's fed into it. It's like the whole world's fucking falling apart and we're part of it falling apart and it's all falling apart in really fundamental ways. Not just like, these trade union laws should be changed. This shit like, the ocean is dying. I love how you used your like 1930s American voice for that one.

Colonial. Well, those natives seem to be very, very upheavy this time of year. That's the kind of stuff that's like, yeah, it's bad. But geez, now it's like, oh, by the way, all insects, all plants and all people are going to be dead in 10 years. It's like a standard headline. I'm like, oh, fucking God. But there's a great deal of denial as well, isn't there?

And I think sometimes those, I think saying something like that is so unbelievable. No, there isn't. That kind of feeds into the like narrative of like i can't be real you know people are very like meh i was just joking i think i i agree with you i was just trying to because you were saying oh i see that was a denying joke i get it i was just joking though that was good i get it now at the time when i was on an angry rant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I had to point it out. I had to bring you down. I had to bust you down a peg or two. You were just really up there. Yeah, shoot him down. Shoot him right fucking down. Trying to bring you down. I'll tell you what I saw today.

I walked into the office, and there's a seagull. In the office? Well, there's always a seagull around the outside of the office. Yeah. and in the office you well there's always like a seagull around the outside the office yeah and he's always had like this um this like sort of bit of wire like wrapped around one of his legs and i was like oh i i in my head i was like okay i don't think it's possible to hold that seagull down and get that bit of wire no it absolutely is not they would peck you no i would get he would he would peck the fuck out of you. It would be exhausting. That's it.

Oh, how bad can it be? It's a little tiny bird, for fuck's sake. It's a huge seagull. Yeah, anyway... You ever been pecked by a goose? It ain't that bad. They're not that fucking strong. It's a goose.

I'm not gonna fucking dive on a seagull in the middle of Queens Square and try and, like, get a bit of fucking barbed wire. Next time I'm down, you point this fucker out to me, I'll pin the fucker down. I'll pin the fucker down. Feathers flying everywhere,

and Lewis is screaming. And we'll get that wire off him. I'll do it. Anyway, I hadn't seen. Next time you're down, we'll fucking team up. We'll get a net. We'll fucking get him. I was watching.

I don't even know why. I fucking hate the show. But it was on TV before something else was on. It was, you know, Watchdog. You know, like the one where they talk about like. The police one. No, not Watch. That's Crime. Crime. Crime Watch. Watch Watchdog you know like the one where they they talk about like the police one no not watch that's crime crime crime watch is the one where he goes and says Mr Benson Mr Benson why aren't

you returning your customers calls and he goes get a camera out of my fucking face that's well okay so that's that's Rogue Traders but it's become a segment in Watchdog now it's not its own show anymore Jeremy Jeremy something I think his name is sure yeah so anyway so so they're in london and it's uh the rogue trader this this week is uh is a chimney sweeper okay but he plants he plants dead birds in the chimneys to try to like sell like all this stuff yeah yeah he goes into like this old lady's house and he's like uh he's like okay yeah let me just have a look. And then he like pulls a dead pigeon out of his bag. He like puts it in the fireplace.

He's like, oh, oh, look, what's that? She's like, oh my God, there's a dead pigeon in my fireplace. Like, yeah, you got a nest up there. You're going to need to get a blocker up there and you're going to have to do some roof work. So like he uses it to like upsell like all this other crap that people don't need. And then when he gets home, he puts it in the fridge in like a white envelope and says yeah so so he so his big thing

is is you know these these dead birds and planning dead birds and stuff so the way that they catch him is they invite him over to a house a staged house and then they're like oh can you have a look at my chimney or whatever and so he's looking at the fireplace. And then like this fake dead bird drops down. And then that's the cue for the dude to run in and be like, oh, excuse me, Barry. Excuse me, Barry. You realize you're ripping everybody off, right, with these fake bird planting things and stuff. And, you know, he's all caught out and stuff. And he's like, you know, they're grilling him hard you know putting him on the spot

the cameras are all in his face and everything and his excuse his excuse on the topic of birds is he'll do anything he can to ensure the safety of every wild creature on the planet and that's why he does the things that he does because he cares so much about wildlife and he doesn't want birds to die in chimneys and fireplaces yeah uh so he's a bit he's an eco terrorist chimney he's caught so fucking red-handed okay like they've just got this mountain of footage and evidence and everything against him and that's his that's that's his defense that's that like and he's like so fucking passionate about it too. Do you know what that is? That is the delusionary thing that people convince themselves in their own head

that they're not doing anything bad. Oh my God. Everyone convinces themselves. Yeah, yeah. But then goes on to actually try to sell himself as some sort of fucking wildlife evangelist or something. He's just like the nicest guy on the planet just so caring about wildlife and it's unbelievable that's beautiful you know what fair play to him for that attempt it was yeah so do you realize you were uh speeding at 103 miles an hour in a 40 zone

officer i care so much about hitting children i figure i better get through that area as fast as possible to minimize the chance of seeing any children. That's my goal here, officer. And you want to stop me? You want to stop me from saving the children? I just had passion dripping out of every pore. If I spend less time with that, so there's much less chance I'm going to hit a child. Exactly. It's logic.

It's like running in the rain. Less likely to hit a raindrop. I mean, you can justify anything if you have enough warped logic, you know. It's weird. Anyway, so I've seen this pigeon for like a raindrop. I mean, you can justify anything if you have enough warped logic. You know, it's weird. Anyway, so I've seen this pigeon for like a year or whatever. And I hadn't seen it for a while. And I saw it this morning. And in good news, the wire that was twisted around its neck has gone.

Wait, I thought it was a seagull. Seagull, yeah, sorry. I said seagull. Wait, let me get that. I bet all the other seagulls are now sporting the same fashionable wire on the leg like a little ankle bracelet there's probably a lot of seagulls listening to this right now saying how dare you mistake seagull for a pigeon and stuff and now they're all up and actually our pack is very dangerous they're big they're big fucking things they're like a small dog they are big yeah seagulls jesus anyway they're not they're big fucking things they're like a small dog they are big sea gulls Jesus

anyway they're not scared of eating shit either like actual full on shit from a diaper or like they're carnators

or something aren't they basically I mean they'll eat fucking anything anything yeah yeah I've seen them eat anything anything

anyway they look great they're all like they look very this seagull by the way so to finish the story it's the

the wire's gone but so is the leg right so it's just got wire's gone but so is the leg right it's just got like one leg now in a stump oh um and it's it's fine obviously like it still looks great it's like it looks like the healthiest fat is seagull it doesn't seem to need the other leg give him a little peg leg maybe you could you know you could you could whittle one at home and then bring it in and if you next time you see him, just pin him down and install it for him. And then he'll have a little peg leg. A little bit of, yeah.

Well, that's the thing they do do. They do like 3D print. I saw like a toucan. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, you have a 3D print one. Yeah, fuck woodworking, right? These toucans have these huge like plastic beaks, right? They're kind of like, if you've ever seen them,

they've got this, there's a few cuddly toucans and stuff online. You can see what their beaks are sort of made of. They're kind of weird. But one of them lost, like cracked his beaks. Apparently they can crack quite easily. Right. And so someone like 3D printed a new one

and like glued it on. No. No, they didn't. They did. No, they really fucking didn't. I don't believe you. What? They did?

Someone 3D printed a new beak for a toucan? How's it going to open? You can't they really fucking didn't. I don't believe you. What? Like, did someone treat a Princeton U-beak for a toucan? How's it going to open? You can't glue a fucking... What kind of glue did they use? Just like, you know, like Top of All Bits? Super glue from the town store? That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard. There's no way. It's a thing.

They did it. No. They got a toucan with a freaking... I love that. I love how defiant... No. No. This is from the Wikipedia about what seagulls eat. This is... I love this I love how defined no no this is from the Wikipedia about

what seagulls eat this is I love this edition okay the food taken by gulls includes fish and marine and freshwater

invertebrates both alive and dead terrestrial arthropods and invertebrates insects and earthworms rodents eggs

carrion offal reptiles amphibians plant items such as seeds and fruit Human refuse Comma

Chips Comma And even other birds It's a big part Even other birds Just cannibalism at the end there Chips Very specifically

Just chips The common seagull Gullus maximus Is mainly comprised of diet of chips Human refuse Fecal matter From a diaper Or from a grown man's Ass Maximus is mainly comprised of diet of chips, human refuse, from a diaper or from a grown man's ass fresh,

and car crash birds. Car crash birds. Comma fresh. Chips. Brackets. Salted. Vinegar. Preferred. The common London pigeon feasts usually

around 2am on the vomit of a drunken kebab eater. Can you imagine David Attenborough doing that? Oh, fuck's sake. Pigeons don't eat that much crap, though. They eat a lot of shit. I mean, bear in mind there's a lot of different kinds of pigeons. They want to eat bread and seeds and stuff like that.

They're not pigeons, though. Seagull will lick up up barf i'm sure they'll eat it give it a go here's the thing why not the pigeons you see ain't pigeons man they're rock doves right is that true the pigeons that i have on my garden are wood pigeons that's a pigeon big fat pleasant thing why did you have to go like all street just for that brief moment for i didn't go street yeah you were like you were like call you blood the rock dub rock and stuff like yeah just for that brief moment for i didn't go street yeah you were like you're like call you blood the rock dubs and stuff like yeah just for like a very brief moment rock doves in it we went like a little bit what can i tell you it rubs off don't vex me bruv all right don't vex me all right don't get up in his grill or else he'll black you okay I mean, I didn't mean to offend. I was just pointing out. It's just an observation that I made.

Don't. Don't do that. Okay. Yeah. Good idea. Don't do that. I'll refrain in future. There's all sorts of shit going on.

I mean, the thing about, like, the world going, like, people are kind of getting angry about. Right. There's a good thing about people getting angry about ecology, especially like, there seems to be a good environmentalist movement, right, that seems to be taking a bit of steam. And there's some really good initiatives going on. I've seen a lot of people cleaning up beaches and canals and things. Good for them. There's wet wipes everywhere.

Like, they all need to be removed. If you talk about the fatbergs again, I'm quitting the podcast. Oh, those ones in the sewer. I don't want to hear about it sewer i don't want to hear about it i don't want to hear about it it's disgusting and it's like solidified fat bergs the problem i have with the environmental movement is it's all young people and god bless them they can't do shit and they don't know shit like you need some you need some crusty old fucks that actually have power and money to get behind it like a lot of them and if you don't do that the young people are

gonna fucking give up that's the sad thing is they're right but this it's going to absolutely run out of momentum once they get married and have families and careers and shit they're going to leave all that behind you're going to have to hope another generation of young people nobody listens to young people no it's true even though they have the most to lose because they're going to be living here a lot longer than we are no one fucking listens to them so all these these kids are coming along they're right they've got a tiny voice unfortunately there's no political fucking willpower behind not really helping themselves though with the tick tocking and the fortnight do you know i mean like they're not helping themselves so i'm saying they're not

you know they're not cool they don't listen to good music it's good i i was in london the other week we went tried to cross waterloo bridge and it was shut because they had the extinction uh protest guys there and the whole of waterloo it was shut because they had the extinction protest guys there. And the whole of Waterloo Bridge was shut. The police wouldn't even let you walk across it because they were trying to clear it. Yeah, that's why there was... That's why we didn't have...

There was two weeks of no Triforce podcast as well because of those protests. So we couldn't get to our... Our internet cable runs right across that bridge. We couldn't get to our recording space because of protests. But it's bad. All that i heard was cabbies moan oh bloody protest is fucking job sick of it i'm like well they have a point you know you're just not listening because they happen to inconvenience you my mates fairly liberal guys someone screwed up their journey on the train that's it fucking

protesters i think well what are they meant to do? No one's listening. No politicians are fucking listening. It's meant to be a disturbance. It's meant to raise awareness and, like, you know, and that's what it's done. Like, sure, you've said fucking protesters, but in the back of your mind, you're like, yeah, they're probably right. I don't think anyone's saying, oh, you know,

I think they're just annoyed that they've been inconvenienced. Most people are protesting for good reason. I think people know that unless the actual movement comes from the top, and I mean globally, we're fucked. It doesn't matter how much we protest. They're just not going to listen. I feel really bad. It sucks.

Yeah, it does suck. We need a meteor, big meteor. Well, I mean, something's eventually going to happen, right? I think the Earth will just like somehow correct itself whether it's like no that or no flooding or an ice age it's not like the gaia where you know the earth is like some living thing that just says right fuck this and just clears out and washes everybody away you know i think it is though i think it is i can't back that up scientifically but yeah i feel like i feel like the earth is...

I wonder why. Think of how incredible this planet is and the shit that happens on it, okay? Like shit that you've never even heard about. Like there's a million shits that happen every day on this planet that nobody knows about, right? How the fuck can you tell me with a straight face that it can't somehow just correct itself like one day? Are you serious? I'm serious. No, you're not serious. think i think it could no i don't believe it and i think it could correct itself by killing all humanity yeah absolutely i think it could easily

do that so you think that you think the planet is intelligent no i'm not saying that the planet has like this fucking brain where it's like i'm gonna wipe them all out i'm saying that it could just fucking something could happen where like enough of the ice caps melt and enough flooding happens where it like wipes out a large part of the human race or an ice age ends up killing or or climate change leads to like a massive drought and everybody starves how many of those things you've listed do you think are things the planet is doing or things that we're doing to the planet? Things that we're doing, but I'm... Right, so we're going to do it, is your point.

I think that the planet will live on beyond us, though. Of course, but it could be a ball of rock with no life. It's been around for millions of years, right? So it has experience. Billions of years. Billions of years. It has experience, right? So it knows how

to deal with invaders it's old is what you'll say it's like a grand i'm not saying that that that the that the planet is intelligent enough to know what's happening i'm just saying that it has cycles we have the dinosaurs they were just fine why do we need all these humans hanging around on this fucking planet yeah i was good with just trees for ages. And then there was some big triangles. They were all yellow. They were okay, I guess. Lots of slavery and stuff.

But now they got TVs and internet and turtles being strangled by barbed wire. I'm not on board with this. People are just dumping rubber ducks in the ocean for no reason. What's going on? That's true. They do dump a lot dumping rubber ducks in the ocean for no reason what's going on it's true they do dump a lot of rubber ducks in the ocean for no reason but I think it can I think it'll be fine unless it gets hit by like a fucking

asteroid the size of Texas or whatever I mean if you're talking about is the earth structurally going to be here even if we are all dead of course it's a planet like but but that's not that's not that's not shouldn't be our goal our goal shouldn't be well the planet's still going to be here i'm not saying that that i'm not saying that that is our goal i'm i'm i'm pretty convinced that we're we're going to kill ourselves i'm i'm just saying that like i think that the

planet earth beyond all that will be fine you think humanity is fucked yeah but yeah the planet will fix itself great that that sounds great i'm so glad that after we've all wiped ourselves out the fucking earth is well i'm just saying that if you're worried about the planet don't be it's gonna be fine oh i see what's the point in it being here if we're not here it's just another empty planet in a fucking empty universe what what a what a goal. Sorry lads planet will still be there I don't know why you're so obsessed with the goal. I'm not even talking about a goal I'm just saying like people are like really concerned about the planet, but I think the planet will be fine It won't be fine. It will be fine. I like it. It'll be fine. This makes sense to me. In another billion years when we're all dead It'll be fine. What's the most amazing thing? What's the most amazing thing about the planet earth do you think elephants i think the i think that like the

fucking algae that grows in the ocean and fucking produces like uh all these like beautiful colors and oxygen and like all that kind of shit so life i think that's insane i think that's fucking nuts so so let's say that life on Earth is the most amazing thing about it. Otherwise, it's just another ball, right? It's an amazing thing. And you're saying, well, if all the life gets wiped out, planet will be there. It'll sort itself out. It'll create new life.

That's a terrible, terrible aim. It's not an aim. It's just a fact. I'm not saying that we're striving towards this. That's not like an uptick. That's not like a... I feel like we're inevitably heading towards this like with without uh being goal oriented about it sort of thing it's just a

fact it's not it's not a good fact it's an incredibly depressing i know it's a hard one to hear flax but you know i'm unhappy about the way it goes you know we sit we sit around on computers all day and we fucking eat takeaways and we use all this shit. We're asking for it. It's going to happen. We're all going to die one day because of our indifference. Hubris.

It's really depressing. It's really depressing. So I've been talking to Dr. Simon Clark, who is just a PhD in climate science. What does he have a PhD in? Climate science. Right, okay. Yeah, kind of that stuff. And so he's quite knowledgeable about it.

Did he say to you, Lewis, and I'm just paraphrasing here, the planet will still be here, won't it? It's all right. Yeah, it'll be fine. Well, that's what SIP's, I mean,

probably the best way to save the planet is to get humans off it as quickly as possible, right? So, you know. Please let's not do that, all right? That's the worst political aim I've ever heard. You can't go to before the Houses of Parliament and say,

we're going to pass a bill to wipe out all humanity to save the planet. Great, let's fucking vote on that. Let's do that. Idiots. There's a lot of stuff that you can do that he sort of thinks that could be done to sort of try and curve out this problem but like we are going to have some big problems with climate already it's kind of a bit run away um and and sometimes some of the some of the studies i read on the internet today that some there was this study that was written by someone and people

who read it was so depressed they had to have therapy after like like like reading it yeah it was like so bleak um but there's always like a scale of science like some of it is quite bleak some of it is quite like quite negative but mostly it's there's no real positive science towards climate change right no one's saying yeah that's good this is a good thing let's burn a bit more coal yeah no one's no one's really saying that but i think that one of the things he mentioned was um trying to reduce the amount of of like cows and stuff like this right because they produce a lot of like methane yeah and and also there's never going to though you have a there's eight billion people on this planet who rely on on cows and and all of the products that we get from them, right? It's never going to happen.

It's like, hey, Flack, stop eating meat. No. Okay, cool. We'll just keep having lots of cows. I don't eat much meat. I don't eat much meat. I genuinely don't. Okay, this week, like Burger King have announced

they're going to start running these Impossible Burgers, which is the one I had in San Francisco. And that's like a vegetable, like a corn burger-like thing. And I couldn't really tell the difference I thought it was pretty good yeah you know it didn't have like the fatty lumps of gristlin which is one of the big things I used to hate about meat burgers you know I felt like it was pretty like legit um and apparently like it's done really really well like to the point where they're like they can't satisfy the demand for it you know all it takes is like a kind of shift where massive corporate corporate business just switches out you know a huge segment of meat for you know

meat alternatives and you can have like quite a big swing you know i think a lot of the time but that's my point is it needs to come from that kind of angle corporate and big business and politics it'd take way too long that's the kind of thing we can see coming along problem is it's going to take forever for these shifts to happen because they're all off the back of profits like all the time right it's not yeah but it's a lot cheaper to make a vegetable never coming from the point of view of we need to make these changes desperately now and in a big way to avert this crisis it's it's all coming off the back of how can we fucking fleece more people for more money okay let's think about it for 60 years maybe young people complaining a lot about the environment and being more environmental will

force the hand of these big businesses it's not granddad's buying burgers all the time yeah it's gonna take too long though no i don't know hopefully it'll happen soon i think that's a very cynical attitude like nothing gets done if people say oh it's not doable like i think that of course we have to we have to tax things that are bad like that's the thing you have to put like a tax on carbon you know things that cost that are very polluting should be more more taxed you know just to discourage them and find get people to find it discourage them but then you get like like volkswagen put those fucking um devices to to they cheated to cheat the um the emissions tests you know that's and this is what you're

dealing with you're dealing with just a bunch of fucking cunts who are only concerned with money and they're not concerned at all with the environment and even less so with fucking human um life and well-being but i don't think that and they cheat because they have a lot of money and power and people who are fucking stupid enough to do it for them and that's what's going to happen time and time again i think that it's but the thing is it's only a couple of people and that is part of our system where corporations are not necessarily evil. They're just faceless.

They just make money for the shareholders like a robot. They are pretty evil. You know, like they, mostly they are evil, but there's only one or two really evil people running them. It's not a conspiracy of thousands of people.

It's mostly just blind people. You know, evil triumphs when good people do nothing. Classic. What if good people help the evil? Then it's even better for evil right yeah that's you know what i well sometimes like the opposite effect has maybe we need like an evil climate corporation yeah yeah to like you know i think we do i think they're called bp aren't they there's a few no they're called peter yeah we need like an evil evil like eco-terrorists back whatever happened to them there was like movies and stuff where eco-terrorists were going and rescuing animals and monkeys oh yeah like yeah labs like in the 80s right like yeah we were rescuing monkeys from labs i mean that was like pretty low level environmentalism wasn't it back in the day

you know for every monkey they rescued from a lab probably like a thousand more i can't believe that shit still it's still going on you know like there's still labs in the world now for like these big companies where you know they're testing things on animals and stuff and you just think how the fuck in 2019 how is this still happening it's crazy like we we should should be beyond it but you know i watched a i watched another thing about money this weekend uh i listened to a podcast called the dream right it's about mlms um like basically pyramid schemes what's an mlm legal so like these days there are you know how okay multi-level mama likes money so oh my god that's what it should stand for holy shit so basically like the idea is that they are direct selling so

for example a mom who's staying at home she can like get hold of her other moms to buy makeup off her or whatever right is a thing amway is the classic one. Right, right, right. And basically, anything that is illegal, because it's really addictive or it's really like, you know, we put a limit on stuff, but the things that are right on the borderline, okay, like, that are really

addictive and bad for you, but they make millions and millions of pounds of profit, if they're just on that borderline, right? I don't know, like Fortnite. It's basically loot box gambling in video games, right? Should be illegal, but it's right on the edge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And therefore, it's massively profitable.

And it's the same thing with these MLMs, which are basically pyramid schemes, but they've managed to just stay on the edge, the edge of legality for so long. But how do people do pyramid schemes still though like it's hasn't there been enough jokes about how bad they are like over the years did you see that episode of the office where michael scott is describing the pyramid scheme he's involved in the gym and he says no look let me explain it to you again jim and he draws like

here's steve steve gives me and this other guy some some uh customers and then we go and find more customers and he draws it out and then jim just draws a pyramid around it all and michael goes i've got to make a few phone calls and you realize people just get sucked into shit like this i guess so yeah people are very very convincing there was this guy um god this was a i think i can't remember if it was a John Ronson podcast I listened to. He convinced this woman that he was a spy. I don't know how you ever go for that as your go-to opening gambit lie, but the guy convinced this woman he was a CIA agent. He was under deep cover, had to disappear for weeks at a time for work,

and he had to be really secretive, and he took loads of money off her, like loads of money. And don't worry, you'll get it all back from the CIA. She believed the whole thing. One day, he's been gone a couple of of weeks a woman comes to the door and says are you Tina and he's she's like yeah and she she says well I'm Terry's wife and he's been lying to you and telling you that he's a CIA agent he's not and she believed the whole thing lost like you know loads of money and stuff like that and this guy was just able to fucking lie to her face day in day out the most stupid fucking lie you've ever

heard like if i said to you lads lads i know i haven't told you this before but i'm a cia agent under deep cover and i need a hundred thousand pounds would you believe me what are you gonna do with it you're gonna rescue some monkeys i can't tell you at this time i you know what i would just not give you i i i wouldn't give anybody money that's the thing with me like it doesn't matter who you are or what you need. I'm not going to give you any money. What if you walked into a shop and purchased something? Then you would give them money.

Well, that's different, though. That's a traditional transaction. I just want to say, you do give people money from time to time. What I'm saying is, even if I know you very well, and you say to me, I need like a grand or whatever, I would just say, ah, sorry, I don't have it. Now, let's say that we were in love or you were in love with me. We were in a relationship.

You're married. Pillow talk. And I convince you that I need this money, that I'm in the CIA. Do you think it's possible? I wouldn't. Do you think there's any world in which you would fall for that? No. But there are people out there who will. There are just people who are very trusting and sweet.

You're Brad Pitt, Sips. Period is Angelina Jolie. Right. Okay. You're Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Okay. You're a secret agent.

Why do I have to be the woman? You can be the secret agent, Sips. I don't mind which one I am. Still, no money is changing hands. I'll be Angelina Jolie. I'll take Angelina. Okay. I'm not a big fan.

She's nice, but she's a bit of a nut. But sure, if I have to be Angelina Jolie, carry on. Angelina. I'm not a big fan. She's nice, but she's a bit of a nut. But sure, if I have to be Angelina Jolie, carry on. You're lying in bed. You rub your hand across his bald head. I'm rubbing my titties. You look into his eyes. You stroke his beard gently. And he whispers to you,

Lover. Wow. I need some money for my cia thing and he's and you know you've got loads you're good for you know what i'd say you'd do anything for me in that case i'd say lover love love love loving you but i'm broke i'm broken it ain't no joke i i can't i can't lend you the money i'm sorry you're gonna have to go go and take out a loan from the bank. What if I leaned even closer and said, hey, would you like to purchase some kitchenware from Amway?

Would you do it then? No, I don't honestly. I don't think I would. I'm not super generous with money and giving money away to people. Are you all right for money, Sips? What if she said, are you a couch to cheat some money from me?. Are you all right for money? What if she said, are you a character to use the money from me? I'm only all right for money because I don't give money away to people stupidly.

That's why I have enough money to survive. You know what I mean? Like if somebody came to my door and was like, I'm a CIA agent. Can I have 20 grand or whatever? I would be like, no, sorry. I can't afford to do that cia yeah oh hello can i help you yeah i'm from the cia i need a hundred thousand dollars yeah okay

i think it was more complicated than that although i think that's worth a shot i think it might work no i would i definitely wouldn't i think like i don't know anybody who's... I don't have any friends or family who have ever asked me for money. That's completely alien. I've never asked anybody for money, and I've never been asked for money, which I think is a great place to be in as an adult. It's got to be hard to ask for money, and I'm sure it has to be done. But I think what these MLMs do is they kind of are that, right? They're like someone feels like they're trying to,

these women who've been told that they can run their own business, work from home, and it all started in Utah with all these Mormon wives who were kind of expected to be the housewife still. I think the only thing close to that that I've ever had is when you convinced me to do YouTube stuff, but it required no money up front from me. Oh my God, it was. The Yachtscast was the MLM.

Yeah, but you were just like, do this. But I thought about it. I was like, okay, it's just my time. I don't actually have to give any money or whatever. It may or may not work. I'm not too bothered either way sort of thing. So yeah, I'll give it a try sort of thing yeah now i drive a porsche and i fucking live in a mansion and stuff so it's like great but but at the time you know it wasn't like it still wasn't one of those things

where it's like you have to pay you have to invest into it sort of thing and then hopefully get your money back or more or whatever you know what i I mean? Yeah, well, MLMs aren't necessarily like that. They're more like these things nowadays. The way they sort of work is they have products that are obviously really shit cheap knockoffs from China that they put a big markup on, right? Right. And you're effectively a reseller,

your own independent business reselling their goods. And the idea is that you can get it cheap from the person above you and you also get more people on your they call it the upline and the downline right and so but the definition of a pyramid scheme is that you will spend more time recruiting people and selling to those people than you do selling to other people so it's not like you're setting up a market stall and selling to people you know it's all going online having making your own online store for it it's you're actively recruiting your friends and you're selling to those people you're selling to your friends um which is kind of kind of bullshit and also pretty pretty devastating for these people because the markup on these things is is excessive there's very small margins for the

people who are doing the selling. The push is to recruit more people into this scheme. And what you end up doing is you end up alienating yourself from all of your friends and friends and family. I think a lot of time when you come to your friends and family and you say, oh, I need money, they're like, oh, that sucks. Maybe I'll help you out. But if they come to you and say

oh you know do you want to buy these things it's kind of to me it's like oh man you must be desperate to have to come to come to us and say oh you know do we want to buy some makeup off you and a lot of times it's going to be like fuck no i don't know like you just like anything that involves somebody trying to like sell you the idea like you must just be a bit dubious of right like it just some some things are just too good to to be true right like i think i think i think this is um one of those things where people really want to be able to to feel like they're in control of of their career right and where the money comes from and if you sell them this idea yeah you sell them this idea you'll be free from this you can work your in hours you make as much money as you put into it

blah blah blah that's like a compelling argument especially in america which has a real kind of mentality of like self-starter and i'm going to start a business and blah blah blah and these these people are extremely good at selling like for this has been going on for 2 000 years or more people selling people dodgy shit and telling them, look, this is win-win. People love to hear that. And the way the pyramid works too is that you get your friends, you teach your friends how to sell to their friends. It's all about teaching to sell all the way down that chain. And it basically just ends up with you kind of ruining your friendships

with friends and family kind of thing and going in the hole because you buy all of this product that then you can't sell back for all these various reasons. So they're trying to like, I don't know. It's all like some of the people who originally like started these MLMs. Like I think, is it Betsy DeVos? I think she is now one of the, she runs the fucking country in America. She's like the fucking treasury minister or some shit. She's a secretary of education, but she's a the fucking country in america she's like like the fucking treasury

minister or some shit she's a secretary of education but she's a fucking moron so there's that she she was like the devos family got their fortune from amway from running these pyramid schemes like like i mean i'm not sure you're allowed to call them pyramids because pyramids games are illegal but they are so close to being pyramid schemes that that like they are just all they do is cause negativity right there's very few companies like that you bankrupt the staff right you know i mean like burger king let's just use that as another shop because i'm still thinking about going and having a v a veggie burger like i haven't wanted to go to burger king for years like absolutely like i there's no reason i would ever want to go into burger king do you know i mean just because it's

just so unappealing to me even when i did eat meat but now i'm thinking damn if they've got like nice very vegan coconut and soy burger fucking great bring it bring it i'll do it but yeah they the employees of burger king none of them are told to come to work and then they work all day and work hard and they get like 2p at the end of it or whatever and they're like what how come i only got 2p and they're like well we didn't say how much you'd make or anything like that you know if you obviously didn't work hard enough it leaves these people with the sense that they this kind of it's kind of like gaslighting almost it's like you know that they they're always told it's their fault in these mlms if they if they can't make any money out of it but the reality is that only this 0.2 percent at the top

actually make even a living wage so even when you've got like three thousand people in your downline you're still barely making a salary right it's so it's so skewed amway amway had revenues of 8.8 billion dollars last year so the company at the top level makes a fucking fortune right the the the guy um who set it up, Richard DeVos, one of the richest people in America, he's a billionaire, he owns the Orlando Magic baseball team, right? He's the 60th wealthiest person in the US and the 205th richest in the world. How many people that sell Amway stuff can say that they actually make good money? It's like a tiny, tiny fraction.

It should be so... He just stands here and says look how successful i am and everybody goes yeah and you think but hang on how come everybody that works for you like i'm not saying every employee of a company is also going to be a billionaire but the whole point of amway is that you're meant to get wealthy from selling shit right and obviously it's all being funneled massively towards the top they've been if you look at the amway fucking history look how many investigations and legal things and lawsuits and shit that's super fucking shady i don't understand how you could still fall for it i really don't well i think it's because people don't think there's a problem with it and i think people are very very tempted in by their friends

doing it they're like well she said she's doing it she says she's doing well out of it you know and it's it's and it's something to do as well i think like honestly like you know for for a utah mom who's you know due to her religion is forced to stay at home all day and do nothing she wants a job she wants a freelance thing you know maybe she can make things to sell on etsy but maybe it's better to just sign up with these things and try and sell them to all the people at the church. And, you know, like, I'm not saying like this. It's something to do, PFLAG. See, people are sometimes just bored. That's the problem, isn't it?

And they want to see if they can make some money and try and pay the bills. This is very true. Boredom cannot be ruled out as a motivator. It's true. To make people just think, fuck it, I'm so bored. Why not? Sorry, Sips. We bored you, I think, with that.

No, that's fine. I came back. I woke up. I didn't get much sleep last night not you know sorry sips we bored you i think with that no it's that's fine i came back i woke up i said i didn't get much sleep last night you know so um you know what else as well guys my parents have been over this week and it's killed me it's absolutely destroyed me i don't know what it is with people visiting i find it so utterly draining like it's just crazy so did they they came back with with you did they fly no they didn't they when when we were in canada they were there uh with us for the first four days i think it was and then they flew off because they went on a cruise in atlantic they they went on this atlantic cruise which then um ended in portugal and then from portugal they flew up here for 10 days or whatever so they leave on sunday and it's thursday today so i still have a couple of days with them like are you counting

it's kind of like it's good for a couple of days i don't know it's yeah i don't know if you guys are in a similar situation but i see them for like a week every like year sometimes two years so it's like i'm not used to being around them really a lot of the conversation is just jet because i don't we don't like i mean like i i speak to them like on whatsapp and stuff so like every like you know every once in a while it's just like oh hey have you watched game of thrones yeah i watched it okay you know just shit like that so like so it's always like a lot of the conversations are like these big like explanations on why we live where we live or like why i'm doing this or why i'm doing that stuff and it's like you have to like justify your life a bit i don't have to justify anything they're like they're

they're they're pretty like yeah they're pretty laid back and stuff but it's just like i don't know it's like you feel like you need to keep them entertained because they've come from far away and stuff and uh i don't know it's just like you feel a level of responsibility that they're having a decent time on jersey and they're kind of like i like i i partly feel responsible for that and like part of me like recognizes that they're fully grown adults who could probably entertain themselves as well i've managed it for 70 years figure out how to do stuff or whatever so it's not so bad it's just draining it's just really draining like it's just a lot of face time where you know normally i would just be fucking sitting on the on the shitter like you know playing an ip iPad game or whatever. Playing Gutscapes.

Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, it's a break in your normal routine that you just about survive in. I love my parents. I like seeing them for about two days every six months. And any longer than that that I'm in proximity with them, I just want to strangle them both. And they're moving down, actually, to Bristol. It might not be so bad actually my mom's sort of making interludes that oh i can pop down whenever you want maybe if you see them more

often it gets better i don't know but like it's not it's not bad but it's just tiring and no i kids and stuff too and you know they want to like do they want to have like these like quality moments with them so we have to set those up and stuff are they kind of a little bit or like a little bit i don't know like judge you're a little bit kind up and stuff are they kind of a little bit or like a little bit i don't know like judge you're a little bit kind of do they do they sort of give you advice that you don't need or are they kind of just trying to help out like give not at all like tips no it's just like my when my mom comes to stay she i have to stop her doing stuff she wants to do so much and she's kind of old and she's got arthritis and stuff and i'm just like would you fucking sit

down like we barely finished dinner and she's loading the and stuff, and I'm just like, would you fucking sit down? Like, we barely finished dinner, and she's loading the dishwasher, and I actually want her to not, I want her to come up here to relax. She spends time with the kids. That's what I want. She doesn't sit still, and it actually drives me angry.

It drives me crazy. I get angry with her. I'm like, would you stop helping, please? I want you to be old over there and just chill. Now, go to your seat. It's like having an extra kid in the house. Fucking hell. My wife's parents are a bit like that.

She's much fussier than the kids. Everything has to be just... That's the way old people are. No, no, what? She has to have the right kind of milk in her tea and the right kind of milk in her coffee. One for one, one for the other. I'm like, what fucking difference does it make?

Just put up with it, but she can't. Oh, you haven't got the right milk. She goes her coffee one for one one for the other i'm like what fucking difference does it make just put up with it but she can't oh you haven't got the right milk she goes straight out to the shop oh you know it's just like can you just not can you just get by but she can't she cannot do it and that that's that's the problem at least she goes and gets it though like at least if she wants it like you know i don't want her dragging her old ass down to the shop to get the right kind of milk. Oh, for fuck's sake. My wife's parents are a bit like that, but I think it's because we see them regularly. They're a lot more hands-on and helpful, which is great,

because it takes a load off us. But with my parents, we barely see them. So they have no sort of in for being helpful. You know what i mean like they can't just like start doing something or offer to like look after the kids or whatever because like fucking my every time my kids see them it's like been so long that it's just almost like they start from scratch sort of thing so it's not like oh yeah can you just like look after the kids all day they'd just both be crying because it's like effectively strangers looking after them so it's like hard for them to get involved and help and stuff and it just feels like i don't know it just feels like extra work on top of like already a lot

of work sort of thing whereas my wife's parents actually come in and like ease the the burden in a lot of ways because like i said we see them often and they just come in and they can yeah they know how to help used to that whereas i think it's like you're in your best behavior it's like you're going out with an or you're meeting someone for the first time and you're on super polite behavior yesterday like um we had i had the cancer research uk people came down oh yeah and um there's like some three guys who were really nice and really sort of, they brought us the little, they'd done like a fan art of the Yoast cast. Like someone in their office.

Were we in flax in it? Were we part of that? I don't know if you were actually. I feel like me and flax get left out on a lot of stuff. I think so. We're remote. So they kind of picked like seven or eight people and it looked like something that a 15-year-old fan might have drawn of us.

Obviously, it was a nice idea. It was like we were doing cancer research science or at least contributing to it. It was a nice idea. They framed it, and it was like a million pounds to cancer research. And I was like, oh, this is really nice. Thank you. And then they were like, do you want to go out for lunch?

I was like, sure, I'm not doing anything. So I went out for lunch with them. But I was on just like super – were super nice super polite people and obviously they work for a charity and they obviously it's a good charity and i was just i don't know i was just on super best behavior the whole time right i wasn't really making any rude jokes it was like it's like i was going out for you you didn't yeah i mean well well done tell you didn't tell one of them to suck your dad's dick or anything like that though it was kind of awkward to though. It was kind of awkward, but I felt like I wasn't being myself. Do you know what I mean?

Around them. And I feel like they knew who I was because they must have watched the streams and stuff and watched some of the stuff where I wasn't. When I'm on streams and stuff, I'm not on super best behavior. I'm kind of on super best behavior with strangers. Do you know what I mean? Or with people who don't know who I am or people who like... Do you know what I mean?

Sometimes you put on this almost like an act. And I'm not saying that I'm not a nice person as default, but it was like I was meeting the queen. Do you know what I mean? I felt like I was meeting the queen. And I was on an unusual level of professionalness. You were on your best, best, best behavior. I think the best way to be in situations like that,

and I think the way that gets the most results is to act like you don't care. Like not be rude about it, but just like, like even if you met the queen, just be like, oh, hey, you know. Is that what you'd do? I would. Yeah, yeah, I would. Because then I think that she'd be like, hang on, why isn't this guy kissing my ass? Like what's up with this guy? He's not being rude about it. You think the queen would have more respect for you yes she'd be like yeah wow he must

be special because he doesn't i think she wouldn't give a shit that could lead into i think i need somebody like that on my team and then and then she'd be like hey you wanna you wanna be like big fucking big hat thing yeah do you want to wear this big fucking, big hat thing? Yeah. Do you want to wear this big fucking woolly hat? Yeah. Put this uniform on. Stand in this box. Let me just check my, my diary here. We got an opening for a prince actually.

You up for that Sims? Do you want to be a prince? Yeah. You've got the kind of shitty attitude we need in the royal family. I think so. You know what? I think, and you know,

like we've had conversations with Lewis in the past on like gaming, Tinder and stuff like that honestly i think it would work on women as well i think if you act like you're just not interested or whatever that's more attractive to a woman i think a woman would like fall so so so it's a comfortable circle i think if i if I met Josh Hanley's grandma, I would just be very on my best behavior. But I think she'd be able to tell because I think she'd listened to all the podcasts and she knew that I was a bit of an asshole.

I was kind of able to make more. If I ever met her, I'd just be like, I'd act like I... Secretly, I'd be like, fuck me, I'm meeting Josh Hanley's grandma. This is amazing. But outwardly, I'd be like fuck me i'm meeting josh henley's grandma this is amazing but outwardly i'd be like yeah hey yeah he'd be all cool like a teenager yeah oh my god yeah yeah i'd be like that with anybody i that's gonna be my new thing i'm gonna do that from now on and see if i can reap some you won't last two minutes like a grumpy teenager who's suppressing his

coolness because he thinks that that's like kids only kids show excitement and emotion oh my god kids just go crazy they go bananas about like the dumbest things though like i think there's you know i think i think i want to be the polar opposite of that i want to be so sort of like you know like fucking oh you know so like obama like comes to your house for a state visit and you have to like cook them up some hot dogs yeah yeah you gotta cook them up some hot dogs or something but and then he turns up he's like oh yeah i was really looking forward to these dogs and you're like ah i forgot to make them that's what it was like when i came around on your state visit to you know what i mean i think it can work i think that i think more people should be like that

you know it's like a good i think it's a good defense mechanism as well because you're never like overextending socially either right yeah no Yeah, no one would figure that out. Somebody's like, ah, this guy sucks. No one would notice. This guy's not interested in anything. You're like, yeah, well. Yeah, you'd think, oh, he's definitely not putting this on and trying to appear too cool for school. Well, hopefully not.

But I don't know. It's like, that would be a good one, I think. Well, there you go. That's our podcast. Next week will be our 100th podcast. So I thought you guys could tweet us. Tweet at me and Sips and Perio. Yeah, thanks.

You're currently still tweeting us your pictures of where you're listening to the podcast. I love those still. They're awesome. Which is amazing, by the way. Keep those coming. I love seeing just random people's workplaces or views out the window. It's always like these vast fucking countrysides and roads. People commuting.

Please just keep sending those because that is really nice to see in my feed every day like a couple of people's pictures so please do send those and send in your favorite moments and we'll go through and read some messages as always you can support us on Twitter Do we have something special planned for the 100th episode or not really? No, I was just going to do

people's favorite bits really and just read some messages and shit and talk about I've got some ideas. I might discuss them with you guys i've got a couple of ideas yeah all right no that sounds amazing all right well we'll see you next week everyone thanks for listening goodbye love you a lot