Triforce! - Triforce! #99.2: Here's the News

Episode Date: May 22, 2019

Triforce! Episode 99.2! BREAKING NEWS: Pyrion has info about the Bodega book and gangs are sucking money out of cash machines. More at 9. Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey everybody you are tuned live to 99.2 FM hot on your dial classic rock with the Triforce crew on a Thursday morning I'm joined by Simpson Lewis how you guys doing? That was perfect, Flax, except for you had to go with the... with the...

with the... Dry Force Crew. Yeah, you've got to, like, have a lot of effects and stuff in there, too. With Sips. Show me. You've got to have all those...

And Lewis. Yeah, you've got to have all those dumb sound effects. Yeah, that's right, yeah. I love that gimm dumb sound effects yeah that's right yeah they love that gimmicky soundboard and you could tell that the dj's been doing it for absolutely fucking years they always have a news helicopter like they always have fucking just the dumbest shit they got the doppler radar for the weather and everything i don't know what i don't know what's up with american radio stations you know what what I think it is? It's the same thing with all American news presenters talking the same way.

They all have the exact same cadence. Like when they're doing the live report, they hit the same syllables. They hit the same points in the conversation. And they go up and down at the same point. Today, Thursday, on this very very intersection an accident between two vehicles it's like up down the thing is if you hear someone that doesn't do it that way they stick out like a sore thumb it's easier just to go with the flow you just do it the way everybody else does it and you just become another professional news guy no you're not going to stand out

you know one's going to say oh yeah it's that guy. Do you remember there was that weatherman? I'm going to do a Triforce classic. We have definitely spoken about this before. Which weatherman is it? That's the motto of the Triforce podcast. You're listening to 99.2 Triforce podcast. You've definitely heard this before. We've spoken about this before.

Oh, my God. We've done 100 episodes. There's no way we're not repeating ourselves reign that in sir we've done 99.2 episodes sips this being the 99.2th man i know that you know what i think this is i think this is one of the longest things i've ever committed to in my life besides being married yeah it's been a lot of podcasts come out of this and they were all the same i mean lewis you're a lot like me i think where like you you start something with these great intentions and you're like yeah this is gonna be awesome and then after a while you just stop doing it

you just give up or whatever yeah it's called the bodega book yeah yeah flax i guess you're in the same boat but no it's finished now Maybe now I'm jinxing it, though. Now that I'm sort of drawing attention to it, watch, it'll fizzle out and we won't do it. You know what I like about this is it's a fixed time. Yeah. And there's more than one of us doing it. Like if it was just me doing this,

I would do it for a few weeks and then stop. But three is the perfect number. It's the magical it's enough people that even if one of them gets a little it's the Kirk, Spock and McCoy it's the James it's the Clarkson, Hammond and May

it's like the perfect it's the hat films it's the cross the criss cross criss cross trot and the other one there's only two guys in criss cross

but I see what you mean that's why they call them crisscross, not crisscross Chris. It's like bros and, yeah, two's company. Or bros, as apparently some people thought it was. Bros, like Super Mario bros. I think three people is also the right number. When you think about a marriage or a date or something like that, you know, boyfriend girlfriend it's

two people right you don't want to go out and have two people and then a third person the gooseberry right right the extra person but when you have a conversation three people is good because otherwise two people might just agree and there's really no there's no conversation you know volatility to the conversation well that's never the case when i'm in a conversation because I will always try and do the counterpoint even if I don't think I don't have any education on it. I don't think that's intentional, Lewis.

You make it out as kind of, I'll take one for the team and play devil's advocate. I don't think it's you. I just think it's you. I'm just argumentative. I'm just an asshole. I'm used to it. so no newscasters go on let's continue that thread i like i like where that was going well they are the ones back in the studio always have that like uh that garbage charm don't they like

it's not charming at all and you just you you end up feeling just a sense of loathing towards them because they're just talking so unnaturally you know what i mean yeah like it's i don't know it's like a radio voice seems more tolerable somehow you know like especially you you hear people that have been on the radio for years i mean i think this kind of applies to us as well you know we're we're very sort of um confident in front of a microphone right like we can sit here sit here and talk and be like expressive and stuff like that. The first time you go to record yourself, you're not like that at all, right? Is this something that you just get better at?

No, it's like you're holding in a shit the first time you try and record. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're constantly like, oh, okay. So, hello. Welcome. I'm recording myself. and this is me this is what i sound like and then you play it back and you're like oh my god yeah i don't sound like that that's weird studio news announcers particularly it seems in north america i don't know if this applies elsewhere i mean in britain they're very very sort of low-key and conservative aren't they they're

you know they're not over the top at all they're just very sort of like they just you know give you the information and it's all presented in a very sort of uh i don't know like it's pretty straightforward it's not they they don't jazz it up yeah i feel like in america they're trying to sell you the story you know they're trying to make you and and they always have like these weird jokes that they all fake laugh at and stuff and it's awkward as hell it's just uh i don't get it i just don't get it it's kind of like officey polite just jokes though you know it's almost like they they want to kind of joke with each other but oh it's i think the other thing is it has got this kind of authenticity attached to it right like when you're watching it when they do speak with that cadence and that kind of in that

specific way it's very much like familiar and authentic to you and you think it's true and you think it's real right you believe it you don't question you you you recognize them as professional people just from the way they they talk right but that's not it's not the way anybody speaks and if someone was telling you something you wouldn't want them to do it in that way no no but this with this one weather guy he was in the uk he might have been on sky and he would come up he was a bit he had a bit of a bill nye thing going on with him but he'd sort of sidle up to the weather go some rain coming in from the east it doesn't look very nice um a little bit of a storm cloud here in the channel and uh you might notice some some westerly breezes coming in from the east. That doesn't look very nice. A little bit of a storm cloud here in the channel. And you might notice some westerly breezes coming in.

But nothing really to worry about. And it's sort of like, what is this guy? Has he just wandered onto the set? Sounds like a pilot. Yeah, is he someone's uncle? Like, it's just weird. But it kind of threw you to the point where you weren't listening to the weather. You were just focusing on this guy's weird sort of character.

So I think that's part of it. Is if I out and say you won't believe it some guy got murdered holy shit it was right in your neighborhood you're going to come out and say you know sadness today in a small neighborhood and when mr father of four ben mrs was found dead in his cabin you know so you've got to do it in that way it's weird it sounds like that now but i don't know if it ever i don't know if it was always like that i think it's something that's evolved because i don't remember it being that over the top like you know back when even when i was younger no they had they had character like anyone remember walter cronkite he was a he was a newsreader i remember but he wasn't really over the top though he was no but he had a voice and he was just himself

and you know Everybody recognized him. There were certain news guys that had, like Hugh Edwards on the BBC, right? The Welsh guy. He's very good. The way he reads the news, I always think, Hugh's telling me what's up. You know what I mean? He's reading me the news. He's like a very saggy dog-faced, you know?

And Fiona Bruce as well. Man, she's really good too. Fiona Bruce. Fiona Bruce, excellent. George Alagayaia shout out to George Allen. Oh, yeah, shout out to these great news readers Fiona Bruce honestly she's got a commanding presence She has gravitas like she looks like she's in complete control a fucking bomb could go off in the studios And she'd be cool. I think the british newscasters have their own sort of it's it's kind of a copy though of that cadence though you know that they the other newscasters have it is it's shared across the world everyone is very serious and they they

cast using a very serious way you even see it with like north korea don't you with they had didn't they famously have that kind of cute old lady who used to read the news? Yeah. And she did it for like 30 years or something. Yeah. I want to say Western style, you know, very much reading stuff to the audience kind of behind a news desk. No, it felt like some piece of Asian theatre. Propaganda. The way she spoke. And, you know, she would really shout.

And so she was really proud. And it was all good news it was always all good news about how great everything was in north korea they have to be like that though because it's you know they have to yeah just imagine you're reading the news in north korea there's going to be some guy there with a gun just waiting in case you happen yeah right behind the curtain yeah you say one wrong thing now to the weather yeah the weather today will be beautiful as it was yesterday there is definitely not a storm coming in from the north ah they just dragged this guy off the set executor on tv you were not supposed to talk about the storm did you hear about that guy who went out

there's like a student and he stole a poster because obviously he wanted I think he wanted a souvenir oh shit they claimed he was a spy they banged him up yeah

prison and all the rest of it what are you doing go to North Korea like I don't get it why would you go there and steal a poster I think it's to get arrested it's to get in the news

it's to live that crazy drama it's such a crazy place it's like you know it's just so that's a bucket list such a crazy place it's like you know it's just so that's a bucket list for that guy

it is like a dark tourist destination get arrested by a terrifying regime isn't it come on no it's like going to Chernobyl or whatever

and walking around so my cousin so okay this is all like a bit weird but first of all the Bodega book is being done and

and it's it's can I say who can i say who've got a bit of help from anyway i can say i guess i could say my cousin uh has had to look through it for us for me and period um here we go and he's quality standard has just dropped you know you know it's bad when something is delayed and then it's like a family member is involved. Well, he's like a professional. He actually works as a guy who reads books for a living and then recommends them to which one gets published.

Right. So he sits around reading books all the time. So he read Bodega. He really liked it. He was really positive about it, wasn't he? Yeah, he liked it. The sips, he liked it. Can you believe it?

He actually liked it. He actually liked it. There's a lot to like in bodega though i think it's good i honestly i think it was good i used to love listening to the stories it was nice but i like honestly that that was the biggest surprise of my life when we had a chat with him and he said first of all and i thought he was gonna say this is no good you know what i mean like i honestly thought the first thing he was gonna say was this this is garbage you've got to go back to the drawing board with this but he was like first of all loved it thought it was great i was

like what like i could not believe it sometimes sometimes though and i'm not saying that he doesn't like it because i truly believe that he does okay let me just preface with that don't do this but sometimes people in that capacity open with that all the time you know what i mean like no no no no that is that is a very typical opener for somebody it's garbage creative work right they open with it's garbage like and then he gave me a huge list of things to change that were all like that's really good they open with with it's garbage if you're like top of the pile right like if you're the guy who owns like emi records or something like that yeah he'll open up with that's garbage because

he's looking for the next big thing or whatever anyone below him is always going to open up with first off let me just say amazing because they're hopeful that they can spin this for you into a big money maker because they'll they'll profit off the back of it right why have you got to shit on me i'm not shitting on you man i'm just bringing the real ism i don't i don't need that so we're not we're not publishing it through him or through his agency or anything all he's done is like he gets nothing from this okay good um other than a an independent person who doesn't listen to triforce doesn't know anything about it and just has no clue except works in the industry so no he liked it he wanted to he wanted you to take a couple chapters out the middle

because they were a bit out of place, and save them for, I don't know, some other book or something. And he wanted you to change a couple of things around, didn't he? Yeah, and also, I had no idea how bad my grammar is. Like, when I was looking through the edits, it was like all these grammatical changes. It's mostly just commas and stuff. But the thing is, mostly it's the same thing.

It's like the way you choose a grammatical style. Like when you write, like Pard, for example, the correct... You have like a style guide when you start, usually, which is that Pard is written apostrophe P-A-R-D. And I think you were doing it with like a capital P. So a lot of the changes were just grammatical stuff like that. They were tidying up.

Also, I mean mean bear in mind much of this was written uh you know with kids around so i'm trying to do one thing and another thing like at the same time yeah so halfway through the book there's just like a bit where period's like a shopping list and then there's like a bit where he's like yelling at someone it's like why have you typed this out it's like what you do why is bodega telling you mouth oh my god anyway so yeah in other news a book written by period flax will soon be hitting the shelves at episode 100 maybe we'll do it how about that that would be pretty sweet how does this work then flax i mean you you did the whole thing so i i assume that that you're just gonna get paid for it like just you right i mean I well the 30 or 40 people that buy a copy I guess I mean I don't

like I assume I assume that whatever money there is we have to pay whoever publishes the book right like we're doing it ourselves but we're putting ourselves okay so yeah whatever I mean I have no idea I just hope it'll get screwed over yeah yeah so there's gonna be a bill for you do you want me to represent you in a in a legal sense i don't have any formal training but um i've i've watched a lot of tv shows so i i know some lawyers mrs f knows a lot of lawyers i'll get them involved i'll take this to the fucking supreme court brindley if i need to yeah yeah you and Terps, I know you're listening. Open strong. That's it.

That's what you got to do. You got to, you got to, you got to like scare them away from making any, any, any fuck over decisions. You know what I mean? Today, strong winds have hit the island of Jersey. Local lawyer, Sips, speaks out against the wind. Yeah. Well, it sure was windy. I'll tell you this much.

Gosh, I was trying to drink a coffee, and, well, the wind just came right underneath the coffee and blew it up into my face. Scalded, burned all my skin off, and now I'm dead. Wind has delayed shipments of vegetarian sausages to the island, causing local resident Sips to be angry about his barbecue. Oh, my God.

Then they cut back to him for a final quote, you know, like, preferably something funny that he says, and then they cut to local law enforcement, some guy they've shoved in front of the camera, sheriff or whatever, saying, well, obviously, this is a very unfortunate incident. The investigation is ongoing.

I can say no more at this time. Thank you. And then they cut. A bunch of the questions they quickly cut back to the reporter with a sign off. It's like... You get that... You get all the camera clicks and then you have like, wait, wait, wait, wait. And then it just cuts off. You don't have any...

It's like a zombie movie. No. It's got a shitty joke and it's like, well, let's just say... With a little wry smile, you won't believe this one. The wind was blowing on the other side of the island. It's like, what? It's like... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

I've always wanted to be given a press conference. I just give my prepared statement. And then as I'm walking away, everybody's clamoring for questions. And I'll stop and I'll make like I'm turning back. But then I'm going to go anyway. Oh, it's like a reverse encore. Yeah, that would be great. You could do, you should do a bodega press conference at YogCon.

And we can stage a whole bunch of of reporters and flash photography and stuff. That would be funny. That'd be really good. Mr. Period, Mr. Period! We see the return of the Dildonians! The Dildonian representative is unavailable to speak about that at the moment but if you buy the book you'll find out more.

That's all I have to say. I'll throw something, kick something over punch a photographer Bjork style storm off off i always wanted to do that yeah the storm off is is is particularly nice you know when you try to leave like uh when you hear the crack of the microphone as well as like you try to leave very gracefully and but then you like you turn around and you get like all the the the camera snapping the people like you know shouting for you to come back or whatever quickly but then you you bump into somebody who's in the way and you're already like kind of nervous and stressed out at that point get the fuck out of my way push them out of the way

pretend not to see like too many of the reporters walking out on the guests so but it does happen the reporters don't it's usually somebody who's like under fire for something right like they yeah they have to give a a really tough press conference where they have to and i admit yes i was masturbating on the bus no more questions i gotta go wait we have so many questions yeah so m Mrs. F took part in a company pub quiz on Tuesday. Nice. And her team won it. Her team won the pub quiz, which I was very excited by. And the first thing that I asked her was, can you give me the questions?

And she gave me the questions from the pub quiz. So I've got like a shitload of questions here. Okay. I'll give you an example. The Triforce pub quiz. The Triforce pub quiz. So I've got like a shitload of questions here. Okay. I'll give you an example. The Triforce pub quiz. The Triforce pub quiz. Which daily weekday national newspaper in the UK has the biggest circulation? I'm gonna say it's probably something like maybe, like the Times. This is like when you're padding out the essay It's like when you write the question out

The biggest circulation weekly newspaper in the UK I'm going to say my top one is Okay, I think it's this order, okay? You ready for this? I think it's in this order Give us the top three The top three My number one is The sun on Sunday, okay?

My number two is the mail on Sunday. And then I think my number three is the Sunday Times. You know why I'm saying this? Because I think most people, I think a lot of people buy the paper daily, but I think a lot of, and a lot of people buy the paper on Sunday. You think six times as many people buy it on Sunday as the daily one. Yeah, I'm very confident. Alright, well let me tell you the correct answer is actually the Metro.

Oh, fuck. Because it's free. That feels like bullshit. I think a lot of those fucking numbers are just not picked up or like pigeons. It used to be the Sun. Last year it was the Sun. Last year it was the sun. This year it's the metro. The biggest circulation newspaper in England

is the metro. That's right. 300 pigeons. A free leaflet. It's crazy because I googled this while you were talking about it and those answers were what came up on Google. So I guess Google's wrong.

So if you look at Wikipedia. Like individually selling. Top 10 UK newspapers by circulation. Right. were what came up on on google so i guess google's wrong if you look at if you look at individually selling top 10 uk newspapers by circulation right look on wikipedia which has 2019 it goes metro then the sun then the daily mail right then the even london evening standard then the mirror okay this metro just came from out of nowhere though because like no it definitely didn't come from out of nowhere in 2018 it wasn't even in the top 10 so what did the metro do to become so popular definitely looking at the wrong figures in 2018 it was second okay well the daily mail is second according to top 10 uk newspapers

by circulation all right i'm gonna post this look at this whatever wherever whatever you're reading is out of deep this is up to date there i posted it on the Discord. But this is Wikipedia, though, right? Yeah, it's fake news. This is from... All figures originate from the Audit Bureau of Circulation. God, look at that downward trend. There's a fucking sad downward trend in newspapers. Fucking hell.

Look at that. The Guardian has halved its numbers. The Sun has halved its numbers in a decade. Anyway, question two. Question two. Question two. Criminal gangs were cleaning up from parking meters in London earlier this year, but what household appliance did they use to get the cash?

Fucking what are you talking about? Criminal gangs, like using fucking toasters to like fucking steal pennies from parking meters. Oh, quickly, get all that, put those pounds out there. Toasters is the wrong answer. It's a household utility thing? The clue is in the question. Right. We should have done the old thing where we write the question down.

From parking meters in London this year. It's hoovers. These hoovers. They're sucking the pounds out. They were sucking the coins out with a hoover. Parking meters. You can't suck a coin out of something with a vacuum. That's crazy.

Buddy, they were doing it. Fuck it down. What recently forced the Liberian president to work from home? Oh. Ebola? Who cares? No. Jeez.

Snakes in the office. Snakes. Snakes. I love that. Sure. No, this is my absolute favorite one. This is the last one, I promise. In which northern city has the public just voted a branch of Nando's as its best restaurant?

Oh, my God. Oh, it's got to be like Sheffield or Luton. That's not the north. That's just north London. Oh, that's kind of where the North starts, though, in my opinion. No. It's Preston. Preston.

Of course. Shout out to Preston with the best. Best restaurant is a Nando's. I feel bad for them. Preston. Well, Nando's is great. I love Nando's. I mean, you know, maybe there's not much fine dining in Preston.

Maybe there's no dining in Preston except for one Nando's. Maybe that's all they got. Nando's is revolutionized. It's Preston, a big place. Preston. They got a football team. Well, there you go. And a Nando's.

Everywhere's got a football team. It's England, isn't it? Yeah, it's true. They do have hundreds and hundreds of football teams in England. Do you have a football team where you live? Population is 122,000 in england do you have a football team where you live population is 122 000 you have a rugby team where you live fucking you don't have a football team yeah we have we have the um richmond and hampton team football team wow and they play down in hampton right uh we have uh the harlequins which is the local twickenham team right they play at the stoop which I could walk to if I was into rugby.

This would be ideal. But I'm not, so I don't. You don't partake. I don't. I've never even been there. Right. Which is, I've lived here for 15 years. I probably should have gone at some point.

The most exciting thing to happen there in recent memory was Elton John did a concert there. Right. I missed that as well. But I could hear it all from my garden hey speaking of uh elton john he there's a um there's a movie coming out about him there is yeah elton john biopic yeah by uh yeah that's right is it called elton no it's not it's called rocket man or something like that but it's um it's in the same sort of vein as your you know bohemian rhaps Rhapsody, the Queen, Freddie Mercury biopic. And, you know, like there's that Motley Crue.

I think these biopics now are getting a bit more popular, you know. Maybe now that they have like the technology to go back over like really famous concerts and stuff and, and almost like remake them and whatever, which is kind of exciting. Isn't it? Cause like you get to learn a little bit more about, you know, these artists and their impact. It definitely gives you a picture.

Cause I think like if you go to see Elton John now, I don't know what he's doing, if he's even doing anything. He's got like a residency in Vegas or he had one for a while or whatever. It's, it's probably a really different um experience than you know perhaps 40 years ago yeah oh man that fuck so when he played at the stoop that was part of his farewell tour and i fucking missed it yeah i can't believe it i could

have easily gone so that's it yeah it's going to end in england in 2021 he's doing that's it three years that's it and then i'm going to retire he's old though but like i think he's doing that's it three years that's it and then i'm gonna retire he's old though but like i think he's not that old i think getting to see him getting a biopic made about him i think that means he's pretty old he's nah he's 72 that's not that's not like unbelievably old still pretty old though it's pretty old but he's amazing elton john's amazing yeah yeah what a fucking national treasure elton john is i would love to see like a biopic made about um like a like a really good uh beatles one could be good like a really good leds that like they have to be really good right i thought bohemian rhapsody was really well done i thought it was really yeah

i liked it yeah i thought it was good i thought it was i thought it was pretty good they put a lot of attention to detail in it and stuff and i thought it was just pretty pretty decent it was all right and if they did that with some other like bigger you know bands from like the sort of like the 60s and 70s they're gonna do it like i would i would totally be up for that i think it's interesting well bryce dallas howard is in this so i might see it because i am in love with that woman did you not like um did you not like bohemian rhapsody you watched it you didn't like i have no intention of watching it i don't like queen i hate queen right okay i hate them and um if it looks really bad and did you not see you know the guy what's his name the lad who played uh yeah mr robot guy yeah did you see the weird thing he posted where he sort of talks about himself? Rami Malek. Yeah, Rami Malek.

He was like, I like walks in the park. I like small dogs. I like a Snickers bar that's not too warm and not too cold. I like lollipops. I like mold

that grows on bread. He fucking freaks me out, that dude. He's weird. Yeah, he is. He's a great, he would be a great villain as well. Yeah, because he fucking weirds me out. He's like Joffrey walking around in real life. You know what I mean?

The dude looks weird. He's creepy and weird. And I just don't like him. And that's completely unfair. I'm really sorry, you know, that I don't like it. I don't know. unfair I'm really sorry you know that I don't like it I don't know there's just something about the guy that freaks me out

that's fair enough man who cares what do you not like about Queen? Queen? why do you hate why do you hate Queen? fucking I've listened to them

so fucking much I think that's part of it as well isn't it that you you that if he if he if he portrays something

even a good guy like Freddie Mercury that you just don't like yeah I mean I've got I've got nothing against Freddie Mercury at all like the guy was a legend

he can definitely sing that Live Aid concert that is incredible like he's an amazing performer but when you're 43 fucking years old and you've listened to Queen whole cock in life

same with the Beatles and all that shit I'm fucking sick of it I can't do it and they play we are the champions every time your team wins oh it's just awful and we rock you it's like music made by people that are recovering from a brain injury and this is what it's like an office thing, though. It's like the fucking, it's like that. Oh, it's been hijacked by like that. But what, you know, those songs when they came out. It's like that safe office generic thing that they would play at the pub quiz. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Mrs. Flax pub quiz. And that's like all take that music as well, isn't it? Like every song, like every song take that i've ever done is just like you know you know that if you're gonna go to an office like uh it's a quiz or something that they're gonna play that today this could be fucking every fucking time god damn and also this is i don't i hope mrs f doesn't listen to this part of the podcast. I had a girlfriend when I was about 15 or so. Uh-oh.

She was a bit of a nut, and she really loved Queen. Right. To the point where when I'd go over to her house, that was all we would listen to. She only listened to Queen, and I mean the whole time. Maybe she was just going through a phase, though. Or do you think that now somewhere out there, there she is just still listening to Queen and I mean the whole time maybe she was just going through a phase though or do you think that now somewhere out there there she is just still listening to Queen she's old she's like 43

years old yeah still listens to Queen all the time you know I don't know get enough of Queen she she had she had a lot of problems going on she was you know girls at that age they can either be cool like 12 oh my god she was 15 love problems because i was also 15 lewis that's how it works what kind of music were you listening to at the time i was into metal at the time right okay um you know and you know there was a lot of stuff in the in the 90s that was like uh heavy yeah like the 90s is pretty heavy yeah it was pretty heavy and you know that was what i was into it was like guitar driven kind of rock and and and metal and grunge and stuff like that and she was listening to queen exclusively okay well i mean if when you're like 10 or 12 you don't

have any problems when you're like 50 you have a lot of problems everything's a problem i just imagine i'm just imagining you going to this girl's house and all she's listening to on repeat is bicycle race by queen which makes it even creepier like that's a really weird song isn't it it's just it was just so that that was annoying and then you know you just you just listen to it for fucking years it's the same song yeah everything's bohemian raps is this great fucking song i'm sick of it i'm well it was it was hated when it first came out people did not like it at all well they were right then and i'm right one of those things that just became i think funnily enough i think it had a resurgence in popularity after

after like uh the 90s wayne's world was in wayne's world sort of sort of introduced it to like the younger generation are you annoyed because you lost your virginity to queen and you you're like no you're like you wish it was something cooler i did not lost your virginity to Queen and you're like, you wish it was something cooler? No, I did not lose my virginity to Queen. I did not lose my virginity to Queen. Come on. Good for you.

No, I didn't. I assure you. I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride my bicycle. That gives you like, post-traumatic stress. Yeah. Every time I hear the dinging bell of a bicycle, I start to convulse. I'm like, oh, I'm going to ride my bicycle.

I'm going to ride my bicycle. I'm going to ride my bicycle. I'm going to ride my bicycle. I'm going to ride my bicycle. I'm going to ride my bicycle. I'm going to ride my bicycle. I'm going to ride my bicycle. I'm going to ride my bicycle. I'm going to ride my bicycle. I'm going to ride my bicycle. I'm going to ride my bicycle. she like gives you like post-traumatic stress yeah oh every time i hear a dinging bell of a bicycle oh fuck's sake oh fair enough i mean i mean if you don't like queen for that reason then that's

fair enough i just like i was just interested because you just seem to like um you know you were like i hate queen like uh Like very passionate hatred for it. That definitely deserves. Surprising. It's not something you hear every day. Most people don't hate Queen. Right, exactly. And I'm not just saying it to be like a hipster and be cool.

No, no. Like, you know, I have a reason. That's my reason. Can we talk about Bryce Dallas Howard some more? Because she's fucking gorgeous. I don't even know who this is, actually. Did you watch Bryce Dallas? How?

Oh yeah. She's come on Howard's daughter, right? So Bryce Howard. Yeah. So did you watch black mirror? No. Yeah.

So do you remember the episode where you go around and people upvote you on whether you're nice and they, you know, they give you an extra like or a dislike and you have a certain ratio. And if you have a bigger ratio, you're more likely to get social advancement and all the rest of it. So she's angling for people to like her. She was in that episode. She was brilliant.

She was in Pete's Dragon. I don't care what she was in. She's gorgeous. She's made some junk movies. But I'm obsessed with her. I don't know why. She was in the movie Parenthood in 1989. How old is she?

She was born in 81. She's a year younger than me. Yeah. She was the girl in the yellow dress in Apollo 13. She played the surprised who in How the Grinch Stole Christmas from 2000. She was in that terrible movie that M. Night Shyamalan made. A Beautiful Mind. No, it wasn't that. He didn't make that it was called no she was in that but it was a different one spider-man three

no it was oh what the fuck was it called the loss of a teardrop diamond no no it wasn't terminator salvation no no it wasn't that one. M. Night Shyamalan. 50-50. No, that's not one of his. Restless. No. No, she produced that one. Never mind. Pete's... No, that's not M. Night Shyamalan.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2? No, no, it wasn't that one. Jurassic World. What Twilight spiral have we entered here? Lady in the Water. Lady in the Water. Lady in the Water. Okay in the Water. Lady in the Water. Okay.

So this movie is, this was actually the highlight of my film review career. Had to go to the premiere, got to meet Bryce Tellers Howard and ask her some questions and stuff like that. And Paul Giamatti. This is in 2006. Right.

It was a fucking long time ago. I'd just quit my job and this was what I was doing was reviewing movies for a website. And there she was was on the red carpet i was in the little press bit with all the other like guys were you bald bit to phones uh no i had hair at the time this is 2006 so i still had a bit of hair how much she was she was well enough i mean more than now look i'm trying to pitch it okay wow god this movie sounds crazy it is bonkers listen to this the film plot concerns the superintendent of a philadelphia apartment complex who discovers a young woman in the

swimming pool gradually he and his neighbors learn she is a water nymph or narf a narf whose life is in danger from a vicious wolf-like mystical creature called a scrunt the scrunchie keeper from returning to her watery blue world yeah wow this sounds absolute shit so it is so fundamentally flawed uh i had it's 109 minutes i sat through the whole fucking thing with uh this other film reviewer who i knew called rosie and she was cool and we watched this film with our jaws on the floor because it's so fucking bad it is his it is one of his and there's many one of his absolute monstrosity monstrously bad movies it's not as bad as The Happening which is the most hysterically awful movie but it's fucking close like it's a hair's breadth from being that bad the only thing that saves it in my opinion from utter utter awfulness

is that paul giamatti is in it and i really like paul giamatti and bob balaban is in it i really like him but that it's awful and that the whole plot is so convoluted you have to see it to believe it i recommend watching it just to appreciate how fucking awful it is and the fact that this was still they were still giving this guy money it cost 70 million dollars to make this movie they gave him 70 million bucks and this is what he came up with and apparently was based on a story that he used to tell his kids at bedtime like he made this fucking shit up for his kids at bedtime on the fly and thought that'd make a great movie and put it in a movie and somebody gave him 70 million quid to make it it's fucking awful but yeah it's it's so bad it's worth watching right

yeah so she is gonna be in rocket man she's she stars in rock she's in rocket man yeah yeah she's oh right okay no she's good that's why i was talking about it i like she's great i like her so the the thing that she was in that great black mirror episode right and i i hear that like uh black mirror is quite popular in china okay Really? Yeah, very, very popular. I think it's popular everywhere, is it not? People seem to go on and on about it. Well, they're particularly popular. Really, very, very highly viewed and people are aware of it.

I think it's because they have this kind of systems being built into their society right now. There's this sort of scary... Like scary monitoring and shit like that yeah there's like scary blacklists you could be put on and things for for jobs and travel and cars and things like this like in driving and like other people can report you for stuff and like take pictures of you and submit it and that get paid for submitting you doing traffic infringements and stuff there's a lot of stuff like qr codes are apparently like incredibly prevalent everywhere and you have to kind of i'm not i saw a thing about it and i was like

holy shit china is like an amazing you obviously went to china yeah it's this huge incredibly amazing place um with some really kind of interesting like systems that they're like technological systems that they're building in to like monitor people and get people to behave and i don't know scary you know what else is kind of crazy about china they can build like a high-rise building in like two weeks yeah it falls over on the third week though they um they they they manufacture in in their factories they manufacture like these parts of buildings like they're bits of lego or whatever and then they ship them all down to the site and then they it's like like building a jenga tower it's already all built they just like they slot them all in and weld them in place and then boom you've got

like a high-rise built in like two weeks it's crazy so my friend who's who's um is chinese he told me that when they had the Olympics there, in order to clean it up, they literally got a bunch of buses, rounded up all the homeless people, put them on the buses, drove them out to the countryside, and just kicked them off the bus. Nice. Like out, out, out, out, and then went back. They just left them to it, like a dog.

You know what I mean? He's gone. Just let him loose in the country. They did that with the homeless people. That's China in a nutshell. They're just like, hmm, there's a homeless problem. How can we solve this? Get him on a bus, dump him in the countryside.

Done. That's what China's like. They've got really good facial and gate recognition cameras and stuff that can track people and walk where they go and stuff. I watched this video of a guy who was driving along. It was one of these... Everyone has these, what they call cameras on the front of their car, dash cams. Yeah.

And there was this crazy car that just pulled out and brake checked. He looked like he was driving an absolute nutcase. And what people would often do is they would um put the foot down and accelerate to get past him and get away from it he would film them doing that and that would he would send that in and get like 50 quid for reporting them for speeding um because they'd you know done this overtaking in the wrong lane or whatever to get away from the guy who was driving like a nutcase. So like there's a lot of people kind of willing to take advantage of measures that they're putting in ostensibly for good reasons, but leading to this kind of crazy, like it's also everything

changing at such high speed as well. Well, it's like when people do the crash for cash thing, a lot of people, you can find videos all over YouTube. I've spent many hours watching dash cam videos from Russia and China. Seem to be the number one and two places for crazy dash cam videos. People will walk out into the road and then throw themselves on the bonnet of the car and claim injury and stuff like that. Oh, my God. They'll point to their dash cam like, this isn't going to work, buddy. And they just get up and sort of walk off.

Yeah. It's like you have to have one and lots of people reversing into you and then claiming you went into the back of them because most insurance companies if the car was hit in the rear the the car that did the hitting in the rear is at fault like almost automatically it's like if you're hitting the side it's generally the same thing as well um because you know it has to be the other driver's fault in most cases because you've gone into the back of someone. So, yeah, you just reverse into them and say, oh, you crashed into me. But if you have a dash cam, that gets stopped. I have a dash cam, but I need to get it installed.

The problem is, took it to Halfords, they won't install it unless you buy it from them. And I said, why? And they said, here's their excuse. What if something goes wrong in the install we're not covered i said you're telling me that your guys that do the installing are so bad that they might break the dash cam during the installation and he was like it could happen i was like so that's it so if i don't buy it from you guys you won't install it it was like yeah i said great because most of the mechanics won't do it they just like all the ones

around here go no so i don't know how to fucking install it it's got all cables and shit i don't want to break my car i'll fuck it up that's just so fucking stupid isn't it you imagine being that unhelpful that you lose the company you work for a customer for life i would never fucking go there again yeah no i mean it's literally just so fucking stupid if you if you are a manager at halfords or the owner of halfords and you're listening to this mr halford mike halford i'm sure he's called have a fucking word with your idiotic staff that's just fucking stupid what a fucking i love how sips has just sold his shares in halfords that's i was thinking of opening a branch of halfords here on jersey but no more

good luck keep dreaming i just thought that was such a stupid excuse to literally say well we I was thinking of opening a branch of Halfords here on Jersey, but no more. Good luck. Keep dreaming. I just thought that was such a stupid excuse to literally say, well, we might break it. I was like, well, you're out the same amount. Like, you're out one dash. Did you get your shit food yet? Your meal replacement food? Do you mean the MREs? High calorie, like prison apocalypse food.

Why do you have to call it shit food? It's good enough for our fighting men and women. Have you got it right there? In a plastic bag. I mean, the context in which they eat it, though, is like, you know, I think anything would taste good if you were stuck in a trench

fighting for your life, you know what I mean? Your standards all of a sudden drop because you're so fucking hungry and your life is being threatened. It's not World War I, lads. They're not giving them cans of rotten bully beef and rum. You know, it's all nutritionally

balanced and stuff. Tonight our brave boys in the trenches chow down on bully beef and rum. Here's who keeps their spirits up for fighting the Hun. I may have lost my teeth to the rot, but thank God for run. Here's to you, your majesty.

Over the top, boys. Hurrah! Oh my god. I'm going to do a stream where I cook and eat one of these with the kids. You don't have to cook them, though, right? You just open them and they cook themselves? No, you cook them.

It's got a little heating element. you put it in a bag with this heating thing you add water there's some chemical reaction it goes nuts generates a load of heat boils the water why don't you go camping or something fuck you know like have an excuse if you enjoy it so much you gotta do it the right scenery right it's like it's not the same is it you know it's like it's like you know if you're gonna enjoy like a delicious, I don't know, steak, you wanna like get, you know, light the candle, get like, you know, get it all grilled up nice, you know, and like, you know, lay the table, put the, put the fancy cutlery down, get the china out, you know. So you're saying I can't really enjoy an MRE unless I'm living... Man, go on a camping murder mystery. I wish they, do people do those? You know, like'm living... Man, go on a camping murder mystery. I wish they... Do people do those?

You know, like, you go to, like, a murder mystery party, you know, and you have to, like, figure out who did it or whatever. Do they ever do those? Do they do more elaborate ones where you go out to the woods and it's kind of, like,

maybe a bit like Blair Witch but not as spooky? I think you're talking about laughing. I think probably if you want to do it, Sips, I could probably hook you up with the right people. That's more like a medieval murder mystery, though. I'm talking more like a modern one, yeah. It sounds a bit scary, like the portage serial killer.

Just do a... Yeah, you know, you're just like... You go, you set up your camp and stuff, and they're like, all right, guys, now that you're all set up and everything, let's take a look at the evidence. And they take you out and there's just some woman crucified on a tree.

It's like an M. Night Shyamalan film. There's like a knife there. It could be the knife in the swimming pool. There's a scrunch somewhere in the woods. Your tits are missing and stuff. You gotta like... My MRE's coming right back up if i beat this thing you've really thought about this haven't you i think that would be really good

you know it's just like we're getting to the point now where people want different experiences you know like escape escape rooms aren't enough anymore. People want to feel like they're real detectives. I want to feel like I'm a real detective solving a real case, okay? You said that just like some hard-fitting detective. Here's the vic. Tits are missing. Put it on the book.

You there, officer. Have a look around for a pair of titties. You gotta be running in the summer. Oh, captain, I found a nipple good stay on the trail put a circle of chalk around it just look at this nip oh fuck me no i've been good though i think like i think stuff like that is gonna become you know i think i think these escape rooms and stuff these experience like this this uh this experience economy right is gonna just evolve like vr is gonna help it as well but there's gonna be shit like that where you have to solve like a very elaborate crime or something that's you know like fictional but you know you immerse yourself into it and it's very well done yeah you know

what experience stuff seems to be big i was up i was in uh where were we we're in borough market up around um spittle fields in london which is where the jack the ripper murders took place by the way and we were there there's like a market there it's nice it's all frou-frou and everything and just on brick lane there's this bar it was called something like alco-traz right so it's like a play on words like alco-traz but alco-traz right you have to bring your own booze it's all underground and it's like a prison and you go in there and you put on like a prison jumpsuit and the waiters will smuggle the booze to you as if you're a prisoner and they're smuggling the alcohol that you've brought with you to you so they're cocktail they'll bring cocktails to you they sort of smuggle in and there's like a warden that goes around and talk shit to you you

have you're in a cell and everything and i was like oh man the guy said yeah but you've got to book it it's like fully booked for like a month yeah yeah like what it's like super super popular like people can't just go for a fucking drink they have to pretend they're in prison yeah yeah yeah i think i think stuff like that's gonna get more and more popular i think people and then the warden bums you in the shower and uh and you gotta pay 50 yeah there's always got to be some form of sexual gratification. Now the bumming. I've got money. I need to get my rocks off big time somehow.

Alco-tress. All right, we got lockdown. Wait, I'd like to leave. Not today. That's why it's fucking fully booked. They're all literally stuck down there. Alco-tress. People do like that.

Dark tourist shit. I wish I would have thought of that one maybe i need to start thinking about a uh an experience for people the people of jersey like what we'll have like pretty soon i'll have the whole island on on lockdown with all of my with all of my business ventures right like you land at the airport we're gonna have the titty bar up there local lawyer and halford's owner sips local lawyer if you're ever on the news i want that to be the caption underneath local lawyer and halford's owner then you drive into town and then you can go to like my cutting edge experience bar, which will have like a murder mystery. Like it's a strip club as well.

Petty crime that you have to solve. Just combine all of your dreams into one, you know, terrific business venture. All right. Come on. Prepare for your cavity search now. We're going to put you into your Alcotraz cell. No, mister. I'm not trying to smuggle booze in my butt.

I promise. How about a strip club where you have to strip? That's the experience. The strippers are the patrons. Yeah. So it would appeal to people who like to flash people. But you could also do all the, please put your underpants in this bag, bend over, like you know

the whole thing you know like it could be like a whole prison yeah yeah old stage and then they beat the shit out of you that would be yeah yeah i was watching that louis theroux documentary about about prisons have you seen that i've watched a whole bunch of louis i've had to stop watching louis theroux though it's too fucking heavy now like it's very heavy like when he does the stuff about the drugs in huntington it's oh god the last one was about uh post-natal depression and stuff like that and i just was like oh i can't fucking watch this i just yeah it's just really it is really way too heavy i think the difficulty partly is that sometimes people when they know they're on

camera it can change their the way they act and the way they behave and things and i think that's always like a dangerous thing isn't it when you point the camera in someone's face i don't know you're you're kind of you're not sometimes getting a snapshot of these people's lives you're kind of you're kind of interfering and you can affect that and i'm sad to see like some of these people in situations they're in hey did you guys hear that jeremy kyle's been cancelled yeah fucking victory for decency yeah god damn it's about fucking time like there's such a fucking irresponsible show that's been on the air for fucking so long now like jesus christ what a fucking piece of shit he was fucking good riddance i hope he never works again i hope he ends up destitute and broke and i hope that i really

fucking hope that one day jeremy carl gets busted for something like i don't care what it fucking garbage man it just it's a show designed to make people look stupid and he's just feasting on their fucking misery as well like some parasite what an ass well yeah ran for 14 or 15 years like fucking yeah absolutely you know what though we should be people should be ashamed of themselves for watching that shit because if it got no ratings it wouldn't have continued people were watching that lapping it up laughing at people million people regularly watch the smartest and in terrible situations stop stop stop giving fucking jeremy kyle the audience he does not deserve please yeah well have some fucking self-respect and have some respect for your fellow man for

fuck's sake makes me want to puke jeremy springer on the other hand love it love it love me some springer one of my favorite you know maury povich maury povich yeah he in the case of jackson frithforth he is not your son dances and shit sally jesse rafael remember her as well i don't know if she's still going fuck oh there's so many fucking shows like that like judge judy yeah well just what about trisha remember remember trisha that got cancelled as well didn't it she was on pointless you watch pointless yeah yeah sometimes love that show she was on like an awkward time for us judge judy judge judith shimon was on point no trisha oh i would love to see judge judy on there she's she's fantastic she's fantastic

because the cases are generally things like like there's one where the guy there's this guy and this girl is claiming that he stole her bag and he says he didn't and she's listing the things that were in the bag and he interrupts and says yo that wasn't in there. And Judge Judy just sort of goes, just smiles and sort of bangs the gavel. Bam! Like, gotcha! I'm like, how fucking stupid are you, dude? He was like, no, no, no, now hang on. That definitely wasn't in there.

Ah! Oh, my God. What's the other one? They got Judge Judy, and they have that other one, it's like Judge Joe Brown or something. Judge Simpson. Another victory for Chris Lovett.

Another victory for Jersey's finest lawyer sits today on Judge Judy. I would love to. As Judge Judith Scheidlin rules in favor of the lady whose handbag was stolen, the guy was forced to return the handbag with the containing

box of tampons and lipstick. He runs the whole fucking island. Day daytime tv over here is so different to daytime tv in america isn't it like well maybe we don't have any religious shows that's one thing there's a lot of a lot more religious shows in the states whole channels yeah well yeah but then you have like a lot of those remember they had like phil donahue back in the day yeah heraldo bitch and uh who's that other guy uh montel williams montel williams dr phil yeah dr phil yeah lots of shows like that we only have like over here it's really just jeremy kyle the one show and trisha the one show is more like variety though right yeah no yeah you're right you're right but then over here during the day you have all that fucking shit like um homes under the hammer

yeah it's all property cookery and property cookery gardening and like traffic crime shit yeah true yeah really light traffic crime really really mild guy was speeding we got him good job yeah look how this guy's parked yeah ticket done yeah it's funny what's like how how different it i don't know maybe because i haven't lived in north america for a long time so maybe it's different now but i remember it being they have a lot of property do-up shows because when i when i was lost out there like the shows that my dad and his wife watch they're a lot of they have an awful lot of property makeover shows where people buy a shithole of a house and fix it up right um they do have cookery shows but um i don't feel like it's the same as we have here fucking shows for anything they have shows for everything it's just any old garbage you want to watch there's a show about it

we me me and my brother rob we drive around the country picking up shit off the side of the road and seeing if we can sell it for money. Join us. They had a lot of fishing shows as well. Have you ever seen a fishing show in North America? Lots of fishing shows, yeah. Me and my brother Bob, we drive around the country doing fishing in all the lakes.

It's like fucking hell. It's the same shit. Me and my brother Bob, we do our people's houses. That's right. We're going around to fucking Dallas today where we're doing up the house of an old fucking woman. Hello. Do you know what I mean?

Hello. Just me and my brother Bob. These two guys of like 50% of all TV shows is this guy and his brother Bob. Yeah, we can turn our hands to anything, me and Bob. Me and Bob

are going on a real hyper-realistic crime-solving spree. All right, that's enough. Thanks, everyone. That's the Triumphal Spokecast for today. 99.2 FM.

Don't change your dial. On your dial. We'll see you next week everyone bye peace Patreon