Triforce! - Triforce! Mailbag Special #14: Vetted to Perfection

Episode Date: May 31, 2023

Triforce Mailbag Special 14! We're busting into our bulging mail sacks once again with some easy haikus, Pimpus von Ballgag, The Final Fantasy Hero: Clive, Sips' poor memory of Armageddon and much, much more! Go to http://joinhoney.com/triforce to get PayPal Honey for free. Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

pickaxe chaps it's been a while uh so some of these mails in the bag uh may be referencing slightly older mailbag episodes are they out of date let me get no no no let me get oldie no they got mushrooms growing on them no no just the end of april i we so first of all i want to say to everyone that emails in thank you a lot of your emails are just not something that i'm gonna read out because they're just people saying i love the podcast which is really lovely thank you i can imagine you actually going through a physical bag of mail picking out things and holding them at arm's length by your thumb and forefinger and like holding your nose being like oh don't want to this one's not good no we get some good ones we do get some good ones some of them are just stories about where people listen

that are very long and include pictures. But I read them, and thank you. I'm not going to respond to them all, but they're also not going to get read out because sometimes it's just like, I can't just read out, oh, here's a listener from Cernse. It's just kind of, it's not growing the conversation. That's just like sucking their own dicks, I think.

But actually, we are not ahead at all in terms of videos, Tri Force Podcast going out. So this will be right up to date. It's not like we've recorded months in advance you know this video is going out next week kind of thing indeed keep saying video so uh i don't think so we haven't got a mailbag for a little while so we i've got i've got emails from april here there are a couple of hundred that i just i i could go through and might read and pick out the very best ones but some of them are quite referencing things we recently did. Anyway, I'll get right to it. I'll start off with this one. This is from Lucas. Dear Perion Simpson Lewis, I would like to thank

you for clarifying the incredibly confusing and frustrating experience that I had. As a Dutch PhD student in Ireland, I found myself in a shopping center where an employee from a sports center directed me to try Argos for the item I was looking for. Although I had briefly searched the website of Argos, I assumed I only dealt in electronics and was unsure how it might offer a swimming cap. I set foot in the Argos and was greeted with an unusual sight, an almost empty store with a long counter, and behind it, mounted on the wall, were displayed various electronics, such as a high-tech vacuum cleaner. For the rest, the store was entirely empty i could not comprehend what i saw was this some sort of joke a minimalist concept of a store or was this a bank

because banks tend to look that way i could not believe it and walked out in confusion without even daring to speak to the woman behind the counter a few days ago it was some avant-garde fancy some kind of modern pop-up wankery design. But wait, so you just left without any answers? Like, you were just happy to leave it at that? I don't think they realized how it worked. They just thought, what kind of store is this? Man, I don't know about you guys, but I would stick around and be like, this is fucking great.

I'd be talking to everybody. I'd be like, help me understand this. There's no way I would just walk away being like, who is fucking- Imagine there was like, a concept store, right? I'd be like help me understand this there's no way I would just walk away being like imagine there was like this is just there was a concept store right and it was just like a white empty room and there was like a man behind a counter at the end like an apple go in there there's nothing yeah like that but you talk to him and he's like you know what do you sell and uh what do you seek young man i sell whatever you're looking for i sell the idea the vision and you what do you say you want a swimming cap so um

well what's wrong with just you know letting your hair get wet exactly you don't know what you're gonna get embroiled in that's exactly that's too too too it... Just use a rubber glove and squeeze that over your head. It's too zany for me. I just like... I like to go into somewhere and stand in a long queue to talk to somebody. And then when I talk to somebody, I like them to not be helpful. And then I like to leave angry as well. That's just what I'm used to, right?

So that's what I expect. I am scared to approach people to ask for things, generally. I'd rather walk around the store multiple times not knowing where the thing is than actually ask someone. I think with your history of social interaction with normies, avoiding interacting with them is probably the play. I'll be honest with you. I saw an article the other day where a guy in Lidl,

an old man in Lidl, was looking for something and looking for some help. So he asked someone he thought was a staff member. It was actually just a normal customer. And they helped him the whole way through the store, helped him check out. It was just super wholesome. He didn't even realize that they were not an employee

until he left. I've had this before where people will ask you, do you know where the so-and-so is? And it's tempting to say I don't work here, but if you do know, why not take a minute out of your day? Yeah, if someone asks me, I'll usually give them, like, they can tell I don't work there, though.

Do you know what I mean? I'm usually wearing a pink hoodie or something. I'm not, like, smart adjacent enough to get away with accidentally being mistaken for a small as a uniform i mean i think sometimes i i've asked i've thought about asking people and then i'm like is this person does this person work here because they they look like they're wearing a very similar get up to the actual uniform yeah hmm all right let's change the vibe uh this is some

classic haikus from the 17th 18th and 19th century right and these are all fantastic right wait are these are these uh made up or are they the actual like real haiku real ones yeah these are really embraced for wisdom by a guy get the pan pipes bash basho who is considered the father of haiku oh yeah and some by a guy called issa so these are classical haikus the original haikus first winter rain even the monkey seems to want a raincoat that's one okay right year after year on the monkey's face a monkey's face that's another wow still alive yeah true true yeah there's no denying it, yeah. The man pulling radishes pointed my way with a radish.

I like that one. That's a good one. Naked on a naked horse in pouring rain. I mean, that just sounds like a great Sunday, in all honesty. Naked on a naked horse in pouring rain. A huge frog and I staring at each other. Neither of us moves. I mean, actually, these original haikus are better than modern haikus. These are just mostly my tweets.

These sea slugs, they just don't seem Japanese, which is an interesting... This guy was tweeting long before Twitter was even thought about or invented, right? But I feel like haikus have become more like that last line has become its own statement. Whereas, do you know what I mean? It's almost like people are using haikus as like, oh, I don't know. They're like swimming cap in Argos. They have it. Do you know what I mean?

Maybe that's not the right hype strategy. I think it's 575. So the reason some of these were not 575 or that format was because of the translation. So they've lost a little bit of the... These were all written in Japanese and then translated into English. So they've lost a bit of the... Would it be pentameter? I don't know.

Whatever the meter is. You need to have the meter or else it doesn't make sense. That's why they're sounding so weird. I'll learn Japanese so I can read a haiku about a monkey's face. If someone's translating it, they need to keep the form. That's the art of translation. That's very difficult. I'm not going to blame them.

But it's important. All right, well, Lorenzo, get on it. When they translated Harry Potter into all these other languages, they had to also come up with the anagram for I am Lord Voldemort Tom Riddle Tom Marvolo Riddle Everyone had to come up with that in their own language And it was an important plot device I'm just saying

Don't read me haikus that aren't in the fucking format That's Lorenzo's fault Sorry Okay here I got a good one for you ready wait you've got some emails no no i've got some haikus i've looked up haikus because i was interested what about this one the old pond a frog jumps in the sound of water these are so i could write like a million of these a day right like like non-stop write us some haikus write us some haikus

I'd be like a haiku factory I'll write you a whole bunch write us some haikus for the next episode this is from Mrs H who says I'm an accountant and I always listen to your podcast on a Friday morning in the office my office is full of old men

wearing cardigans that are very serious it's an accounting office, so that makes sense. Get them onto the podcast as well. They'll fit right in with us. Well, now hold on. I treated myself to some wireless headphones recently and nipped to the loo whilst wearing them, but left my phone on my desk. The distance between desk and toilet is far enough to disconnect my headphones and start blasting the podcast through the phone speakers. Unfortunately, this was the episode where Perrion was discussing his freshly shaved balls.

I walked back into the office to some very concerned stares. No direct comments yet. It appears no one wants to ask a middle-aged woman why she was listening to people talking about testicles whilst working. Mrs. H, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. Don't apologize. You've got nothing to apologize for. I think it would have been worse

if we'd be ranting about a video game or a TV show. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I think you got off lightly on that one. What if Lewis was really off on one? You know, like sometimes when he just goes right off on one, it could have been far worse. I think that's probably the best time that they could have heard. You think?

Yeah, that was a good bit. Yeah. Could have hit some new demographics. I'm not apologizing. No, no, no. That's fair. Never apologize. This is an interesting one.

I can't believe this is true, but apparently it is. This is from Meredith from Montana. I vetoed my husband naming our future child Pimpus. Pimpus. Pimpus, which was his German great-grandfather's nickname. Pimpus Maximus. Lord of all pimps. Their last name is von Gontard.

So the kid would have been called Pimpus von Gontard. We have not settled on an alternative yet, so give me your best suggestion. No, I think that's a good call. I think the worst case scenario is that your child is named Pimpus. Pimpus is some kind of name. Anything else, I think, would be fine. Any old name, as long as it's not Pimpus. What about Crimpus?

I think anything with puss at the end of it. What about Limpus? Yeah. Limpus von Gontard. I think von Gontard is pretty bangin'. The two closest words to Pimpus are pimple, which isn't a good one, and pompous, which is a bad one.

And just pimp, yeah, straight up. You don't want to, just don't. Call him Pimpus Ain't Easy. What about Gimpus? Gimpus, yeah. Gimpus von Gontard. Gimpus von Ballgag. My one and only son.

My firstborn. Alright, I like this one. This was from someone called Minor Edit. I was reminded of your conversation about names you don't get for younger people after watching previews for the upcoming Final Fantasy game. The name they've gone with for their protagonist is

Clive. For me, Clive is a name reserved for middle-aged English men or older, usually quite plain and doing something uninspiring like accountancy. No offense. Yeah, yeah. You don't really see any younger Clives, and that's definitely true. Is there a character in it called Alan, and maybe they meet somebody along their way,

like, you know, in the haunted forest or the forest of death called Colin? Colin, Mark, Clive and Alan. Join them on their adventure. Middle-aged accountants in a fantasy world. It became increasingly funny to me as I watched the game preview. The funeral home, Clive.

Pretty slow. Going alright, Cole, mate. Is Nigel here? No. What about Derek? No, he's going to be around later. What about nigel fucking hell nigel so these are some of the lines from the preview companions will accompany clive on his adventures clive takes control of the iconic might coursing through his veins they even had a woman with a northern northern accent asking clive uh are you still busy saving the world, Clive? Wow.

Nice. Clive. You don't hear that name very often. It's Clive. It's an old one. How do you feel about naming, how do you feel about John? John is a... I don't mind John. John's a fine name. It's very standard. It's kind of timeless, really, John. Like, yeah, I don't know. You hear it. I think it's come back round, you know.

It was super old, but now yeah, I'm a fan, John. John? Jonathan? It is timeless. I think it's one of those ones that's always been okay. I've had like, I've not met any Johns I didn't like, got to admit. You met any Johns you didn't like? I, well, we had a John at our school who, for the most part, I liked, but he dicked

us one time so hard he was the first person who got a super nintendo a super mario world but he did the classic he invited us over and we thought fuck this is amazing we're gonna get to play super we were like 10 years old we're gonna get to play super mario world i can't believe we were so excited we get to his house and he's like oh let's play outside for a bit and we're like oh really like we just came over here to play super mario world they had us outside for like four hours in the snow and we're just like the whole time he's like hey guys let's make a fort and we're like okay can we go play super mario after that and he'd be like just fucking leading us on constantly like uh so yeah i have met a john that i didn't really like much it turns John. I mean, I bet he was just desperate for some real fun with his mates.

Oh, man. We just were not. George? I don't really. I've known. All the Georges I know are women called Georgina. I don't know a George. Georgina.

Yeah. I've heard of Georges, but I don't know any Georges. I don't know a single George. I don't think I know a George. Could be wrong. What about Ringo? Ringo? I don't know a Ringo. I don't know a Ringo. As far as I know know a George. Could be wrong. What about Ringo? Ringo? I don't know a Ringo.

I don't know a Ringo. As far as I know, there's only one Ringo. Yeah, Ringo. No one named their children Ringo, did they? No. No. That was not a name that caught on. John, Paul, George.

John, Paul, and George are all very sort of standard names. George, yeah. But Ringo is just out there. I know some people with kids called George, like their kid is George, but I don't know an adult George. If I do know a George and you listen to this, I apologize.

I've just forgotten you in the heat of the moment. How about Paul? Yeah, I know some Pauls. I like a Paul. I know some John Pauls as well. John Paul. That's a twofer. Try that.

Maybe. You don, you don't get George with anything, alright? You wouldn't have like John George. George John. Boy George, maybe. I think if you went for George Von Gontard you'd be George Von G. That's quite cool. GVG. That's a decent nickname right there. Yeah, yeah. Von G.

Yo, GVG! Alright, we got an email here from spencer this is a good one i work in planetary defense that means protection from asteroid impacts the work has two steps asteroid detection and mitigation i work on detection right it's really interesting a bit strange to work on something that probably won't matter within my lifetime significant asteroids such that might destroy a city if they hit dead on a once per 100 years roughly and dino killer asteroids are once every 100 million. So my work will probably not get

used while I'm alive. My day to day is writing code that scans telescope data to find asteroids and simulate their paths to see if they might hit Earth. Nice. I'm sure you're wondering if any rocks are headed our way now. We don't know of any big ones, but new small ones are discovered all the time. I'll let you know if one is coming for Jersey. We don't all live on Jersey. I don't want to know. The odds are impossible that it would just hit here, right?

I always envision a big one landing somewhere far away. And then much like in the opening cinematic for world of warcraft cataclysm if you're familiar when a big tidal wave hits booty bay i imagine that's gonna happen to jersey at some point maybe not in my lifetime that for me is the worst case scenario i don't envisage actually anything impacting directly on jersey because i don't know how that would work like if it hit Jersey, it would, uh, would it create a,

I guess it would, right. Depending on how big, if the asteroid was the size of Texas and it hit Jersey, we would just be smushed. If the asteroid was the size of Texas, it's nothing to do with Jersey. The entire planet is.

Well, the one that, the one on Armageddon was the size of Texas, right? Right. And then they used, uh, no,

they had to use nuclear warheads yeah in the middle of a love triangle to try to uh to sort it out and and they did right yes they did that's that's the movie when it was cheaper to train minors to be asked to bruce willis like 60 in that movie and his love interest was stephen tyler's teenage daughter was his daughter. What are you talking about? Oh, sorry. I misremembered the movie. Sorry. I thought, what was his love interest?

He didn't have a love interest. He was just the guy who was going to sacrifice everything to save his daughter. So he was trying to prevent Ben. No, what's his name? It's not Ben Affleck. It's Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck. No, it wasn't. Yes. He's trying to prevent. Ben Affleck. It's Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck. No, it wasn't.

Yes, he's trying to prevent... No, it was. Ben Affleck wasn't in... Dude, look it up, please. Okay, man. Before we... You're going to generate emails I'm going to have to respond to.

Please just look it up. Ben Affleck is the guy. He's trying to sleep with Bruce Willis' daughter. Liv Tyler. Liv Tyler. And he's trying to prevent this because he doesn't think Ben Stiller's up to it. Oh, but Ben Affleck's up to it.

That's the Ben we're looking for. No, listen. When did Armageddon come out? Because I'll be honest. I only saw it. I want to say 99. It was like 95. There's no way it came out in 98.

It was 98. Fuck me, man. What the hell's happened to me? I'm last track of like all. There's no way i watched that in the cinema when i was 18 years old there's no way i went to see that but i did i did it's the only time i've seen it what was it like what do you remember from that then well not much i remember i remember ben affleck not being in it if that helps i also remember bruce willis getting it on

with liv tyler so maybe i'm just thinking of a different movie yeah very different film this one is from Brandon I'm about to start my master's degree currently looking at places to live in London with my partner for afterwards which would require a job uh-huh we're currently looking at the Richmond area oh yeah where the period lives near there do you think it's a nice place to live do you have any tips or advice for two postgraduates living in London? Young Brandon. Good luck. Someone's studying master's degree, doesn't have a job, trying to get a place in one of the most expensive parts in London.

Good luck to you. Good luck to you and your partner. That's all I can say. Man, I think you could apply that to, like, pretty much anywhere in the West right now, right? Like, the price of housing just generally is so fucking absurd. Like, everywhere. I don't even think you can get a place out in the middle of housing just generally is so fucking absurd like everywhere i don't even think you can get a place out in the middle of nowhere for cheap anymore it's just like you could it's just you would literally be as you said in the middle of fucking nowhere yeah yeah yeah yeah

it's so hard now i don't know all the cities are expensive really expensive i mean it's surprising because that you know the ability now to work remote and to do stuff remote, it's surprising that more people haven't managed to get out of the cities. Maybe people will be doing more portages than they have historically. Maybe people are going to want to get really remote. They get their satellite phone out. Get a satellite phone out. Apple iMac. Yeah, they hook up there.

Do a solid seven-hour shift. Microsoft Office 2023. I think the government had a real chance. All the governments in the West actually had a real chance to help with so many issues that are faced by people still insisting on going into offices. Number one, you would cut down on commuting, road traffic, overuse of rail networks, the prices, all the rest of it.

If people didn't have to travel as much as they do, you would also cut down on the congestion when it comes to house prices. Everybody needs to live within a certain radius of a place like London or wherever in the world you are. If you could just go and live in the country in a very cheap, nice, big house, you would spread everything out. There are lots of empty houses out there, houses that won't sell, houses people don't want to buy because there's nothing near there. You could solve all of these problems. You could spread the country out so that we're not so congested. Services aren't so overworked in key areas. Spread us out. We've got all this land. We're not using it. All these

properties that are just cheap and underused, spread out everybody works from home problems solved well you listen here bucko that's not how i've historically made my vast fortune so uh no i'm not uh with you on that one i want to stick to the old ways i've only got like two years left and i want to i want to i want to leverage maximum value out of all my shitty business decisions so fuck you okay it's a good point i think like there's i'm always like looking for the other side of the argument right but i can't see what the argument is on this like somehow that everyone has better mental health from coming into an office and meeting people like no thanks no it's uh it's it's let's do something that makes sense and that would benefit a lot of people and then the pushback is from one person who is a billionaire who wants things to stay the same.

But because that person has way more money than everybody else. We do what they say. We do what they say, yeah. So yeah, don't be fucking rich for God's sake. Like, you know, it's for suburban PFLAX families. He doesn't want more. He doesn't want more people. All right.

This one is a great email. It's more like how you're going to possibly afford it. That's the thing, isn't all right this one is well this one is a great email how you gonna possibly afford it that's the thing isn't it this this one is directed at you lewis this one is this one is i'm looking to move to richmond can i get a loan please this this one is entitled all caps falsehoods in best tech video that's the title uh i'm a historian lew Lewis was incredibly wrong talking about warfare and violence in hunter-gatherer society. First, he made a bizarre argument

about low percentage of population deaths in World War II. I would snarkily invite him to look at casualty figures for the USSR and Yugoslavia! Second, there is a fascinating field called paleo-sociology, where academics study what kind of societies existed within tribes

and between tribes in the pre-settled period. There is scant evidence of warfare, as, considering tribes were relatively small and there was plenty of space to mob up, versus fighting a neighboring tribe would be nonsensical. Instead, there is plenty of evidence for trade. In summary, settled agricultural societies appear to be considerably more violent than hunter-gatherer societies, and World War II led to immense proportions

of population loss in many countries. That's Joseph being extremely unhappy with you. My God. You really ruffled some feathers there, Lewis. That was one of about 50 emails complaining about that episode. I can't argue with actual historians, can I? I would just say this is indicative of people hearing what they want to hear on the podcast. They're not listening to us saying, please don't email him with your corrections. We state openly that we don't know what we're talking about. You do not need to correct us.

We know we're wrong. Every time we do these, and yet still i get about 50 emails from furious experts i get that they want to correct us though because it is kind of weird that we don't really know what we're talking about but we will speak so passionately as passionately about it you know it's just like we do know what we're talking about it's almost like a game that we play with each other where we try to convince each other of falsehoods you know it's like a game yeah yeah so there's a book called the better angels of our nature by steven pinker right who won some awards he's a froofy haired man he he wrote a book and it's it's the idea that we are currently being sold this idea that the 20th century was the most violent one in history but he argues that humanity has been violent far worse in far more far different ways

throughout its history and i this is where i was getting that from so if you don't think so so yeah sure maybe maybe have a look at that you know violence compared to how it is today so he basically argues for the whole 800 pages that violence has been diminishing for a long long time and we're living in the safest world we've ever lived in but media says it's not right media says everyone's being murdered and yeah and everyone's you know killing each other yeah but yeah even taking into account the the wars and that is modern history yeah we're a lot less violent than we were previously and i'm not saying that people didn't die i'm not defending you think it do you think like just

again i don't i'm i you know i'll say like flax i don't i don't know really know what i'm talking about i'm just venturing like a theory here but do you think we're a lot more aware of violence because information spread so quickly now as well you know what i mean like everything's different like a long long time ago maybe it was uh violent or less violent i'm not too sure it's you know i'm sure there's people out there who who know like the guy who emailed whatever but um you know what i mean? That information and especially reliable information that you can, you know, really believe or whatever, would have taken a long time to get around, right? It would have just been word of mouth and, you know, maybe things would have changed or whatever, you know, the sacking of a

kingdom could have been lied about easily or not spread around or whatever. Whereas if something like that happens now you have people on the ground with drones and helicopters and the fucking internet and everything and everybody knows the moment something happens nowadays right and because it's so easy to report on every single thing that happens and we do get flooded with every single thing that happens it appears to be more violent right but maybe he's right maybe it is it is far less violent we just hear about everything a lot more quickly now yeah it's i don't know i honestly don't yeah and even even the book that i read is written by one man who

is an atheist with a certain point of view and a certain historical education a certain historical understanding and i think when we talk about things we just we just spout the popular most popular view right we aren't necessarily nuanced in our takes on stuff well we should be and so that's why i can imagine we should get comments like we're not the high school history class either we don't really have a responsibility no no um you have responsibility to check what we're saying no you don't you don't or at least believe that we believe that it's right yeah um no we don't have to do that either and you should you should always consider things in your own mind um and if they sometimes if they gel then maybe maybe that's what you should i think a lot of people have to

i don't i don't actually mind being like corrected i just some sometimes i'm just not sure if i'm being you know spun spun a tale a bit you know like somebody somebody comes up to you they're like i'm a historian it's like okay are you though like i don't know if you actually are and then like how how can i whose job it is to find asteroids came to me i would be like oh i believe there's an asteroid. Sure. Do you know what I mean? If it was some guy in his back garden, like my friend's dad, who was like, oh yeah, that one's the size of Texas.

Anyone know Bruce Willis? We'd have to send him up. Isn't he having sex with his daughter? No, no. Fucking, do you know what I mean? Like, Jesus. I'm so hazy about the whole thing. We need to train a load of miners

to be astronauts and strap a load of nukes to it. We need to also build two space shuttles because we're America. We do everything twice, apparently. I should remember that from the movie. They have to have two in case something went wrong with the other one. Well, yeah.

You don't want to get caught with your pants down. We're going to get one shot at this because of the timing window. If they wait too long... So let's build two. Yeah, because if they wait too long when it blows up... All right, everybody, the big moment. It looks like they're about to deploy the new...

Oh, the shuttle's cracked. Oh, I don't know what we're going to do. Yeah, Lewis said not to bring another one. Oh, no. We just better bring one. Why not build three, though? Build four. Like, if it's that important.

Big plan with no contingency. Just such a schoolboy error, but... Yeah, it's going to take them too long to build another space shuttle, but if you've got to... This reminds me of Don't Look Up. Did you watch Don't Look Up? Yeah, yeah. I didn't watch it, actually. Yeah, I should watch it. I should watch it.

It's very depressing. It's how these astronomers have to convince the modern government to actually believe that there's an asteroid coming. Oh, it's great. It's a really good movie, actually. I enjoyed it. Is this thing working well that nice young man little spindly normally records these but i'm on my lonesome today so i had to do it i hope the tape is running because today's episode is sponsored by paypal honey what a sweet number of words that is paypal honey what's even sweeter is that you can use PayPal Honey

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That's joinhoney.com slash Triforce. And back to the boys. Here go this is from aaron good day from down under lads just wanted to ask how terry the tortoise has been doing he's been waiting he's waiting for an update on terry he's fine he's big he's a lot bigger now he's getting he's all frisky because it's uh the the weather's warming up and he knows it so he's trying to escape constantly he's subdued during it. So he's trying to escape constantly. He's subdued during the winter because he's meant to be hibernating, but he's still too small. But now that the weather's nice, he wants to go out. So he's been out most days.

We take him out for a bit, but I got to get him like a proper run so that he can spend most of his days outside and then just bring him in at night when it's safe, you know, sort of thing. Is there any threat to him of predators of any kind? Not now. it's when it's safe you know sort of thing is there any threat to him of predators of any kind not now he's big enough now where a bird wouldn't really be able to cart him off right and uh you know about a pelican well yeah i don't there's not many pelicans land in my backyard so um if one did they could potentially take him but in my experience uh most animals just don't understand tortoises and stay away from them like you see videos on the internet all the time of cats and dogs just like you know they'll run right up to them and then have one sniff and just be like and then just like leave like they just they don't understand like what it is or what it's doing or whatever and and they just leave it yeah so no we're not too worried about that it's more it's mainly um we're worried that he might dig his way out underneath like the fence or whatever which

would be not great because it would be it's not that he's fast or anything but he could just potentially wedge himself in somewhere that would be hard to get him and uh and that's about it really we just gotta all right just gotta sort it out you know but yeah he's fine he's fine good update there for you have you set up um the fountain i bought i bought like um no i bought you a you need to get him have you have you got him a bigger cage you've got you've got him a bigger cage now no no because he goes outside in the summer so he's still in his baby cage well yeah yeah i know but he's like i said have a cage like 10 times his length or something he's basically sleeping like all throughout the winter but in the summer he's outside all the time so he's got the biggest case he's got he's got uh the whole world is his cage during the summer you know gosh there's some philosophy there you go that's my first haiku all right this is a this is an email

this is i would say a moral quandary that's easily solved uh And the question is advice. This is from Johan. Hey, I think I'm going insane after I moved into my new uni flat. To keep it short, I walked into the shared living area and saw one of my flatmates naked having a wank to porn that he had cast onto our

shared TV. I had a flat meeting with him and my other two flatmates but they all agreed that it was perfectly fine and natural. Am I the arsehole here? I've walked in on him doing it several times since, but I just have to wait for him to finish so I can go about my day. What do I do?

Honestly, I think that is fucking disgusting, and there's no way that you should have to put up with that and build your day around some fucking flatmate having a wank in the shared area yeah yeah i would either i would just look to get somewhere else i mean the thing it's not worth it you gotta you just gotta it whenever you have a situation like that don't try to to change it if that person is hell-bent on doing that they're just gonna do it so just find a new place it's much easier

just find a new place with people who aren't just like jacking off constantly in the um in in the in the shared common area or whatever and uh and just move on like there's no point you got to pick your battles if he's doing that in the shared area think about other things he's doing that also he considers no big deal yeah i guarantee this is a guy that doesn't wash his hands off to having a big old shit that's the kind of character we're talking about here if they're willing to do that in essentially in public in front of all of you whatever they're doing in private i don't want to fucking so what is he just stark naked and he is just like naked having a way in the fucking pumping it hard or whatever is he moaning and groaning as well

we i don't want to know i think think it's just disgusting and disgraceful. It's pretty gross. That's for private. Come on now. Okay. You're not going to play contrarian to this, are you, Lewis? He's got a counterplay here. No, of course not.

But how would you feel about if he wasn't having a wank, if he was having sex with someone on that soap opera? I would also be annoyed by that. What if it was a regular occurrence? What if it was a woman instead? And you walked in. It doesn't matter. Get the fuck out of the shit area.

That's something you do in the privacy of your own room. Fuck off. I'm sorry. That's it. You're not an animal. I'm just stunned that he managed to out charisma the rest of your housemates at the house meeting. I just think he's got DJ and housemates, mate, is what it is.

Get rid. Are people just too woke? Is this an example of people being too tolerant of something? How is this woke? Well, it's like, oh, you know, we're accepting of other people's sexual needs and stuff. I mean, it's just like, it's taking it too far. But the thing is, if that's how people want to be, then I'm sure that they could just find another flatmate who fits in better with them

rather than the person who doesn't like that. You know what I mean? Like, you just got to leave. People are are just gonna do what they're gonna do like it you know you just gotta you just gotta find people who is a gross enough without people worrying about like him fucking naked on the sofa in that that yeah it's gross that's i would i personally wouldn't like it either but at the same time i would just i just don't know how he managed to bring people around in the house meeting. Because I would have thought at least one person would have been like,

what the fuck? Dude, can't you just do this in your own room? What's his excuse for not doing it in his own room? Yeah, fuck off. Is he an exhibitionist? Like, what's the deal here? I mean, if the argument is he doesn't want to watch porn on his little phone screen, I've got no sympathy.

Sorry. Everybody's got a computer these days. What have you got to do on the TV? Fuck off. It's disgraceful. There's no defense for that. Here's another email. Change of pace.

What kind of porn is it? No, no. I don't want to know. I'm currently living in Australia, coming back home to the UK for the first time in almost a decade this year. A flight from Sydney to Edinburgh

would take 55 hours. What? Yes, you read that right. Two whole days, either on a plane or in an airport somewhere. Some flights had an 18 hour layover in addition to another different layover somewhere else. That's twice as long as 10 years ago. Might as well swim. Instead, I'll fly to London and then train up north, which would be quicker. I will try to keep my tiny pecker up. My question is, what are the longest slash worst journeys you guys have endured? And I have the pleasure of a 10-hour train trip every time I go to visit my parents, a trip which doesn't even span half the length of New South Wales alone. So worst and longest journeys we've endured.

So the longest journey or the worst journey you've endured. Okay, my longest is an 82-hour ride across canada multiple times not not in a bus every time 82 hours on the bus same 82 hours in in a car with my parents and my younger brother but which would have taken us a week plus to do but the bus was pretty much like non-stop it would stop every once in a while for like a little break, go to the coffee shop or whatever. Sometimes it would change buses. Sometimes it would refuel or whatever. You could just get off and stay there and then catch the next bus that was going the same way sort of thing.

But we didn't because we were just trying to get somewhere. So, yeah, it was like 82 hours. Where were you going? We went from Ottawa to Victoria, columbia but to what end oh to visit my uh my my grandmother lived in victoria yeah it was 200 bucks for the ticket for two people so we were just like we're pretty pretty broke at the time we were where are you stopping though were you not were you not does it not stopping oh man it stops everywhere thunder bay sault ste marie winnipeg it stopped in like fucking moosehead you you name it like it stopped everywhere was it not stopping for the night or like no no it would go all night all day and all

night just went all day and all night for 80 hours yeah pretty much yeah that is hell i read like five books it was insane yeah what were you like sleeping on the bus yeah as well sleeping on the bus yeah on the seat in the same set of clothes like did you not yeah not like did you not ever everyone's like like a couple of times we fresh yeah we got we we got off and ate and like freshened up a bit or whatever yeah i mean i was like fucking 19 at the time i didn't really care you know i just like it was 200 was it normally a thing where you'd only do a leg of it like you weren't supposed to do the whole lot yeah normally normally people would just do a leg of it but we like i said we were we were trying to get there so we just we just wait hunkered down got there and then when we we flew back on standby for cheap

so it was we we missed like the the trip back it was good so i was gonna say you had to fucking come back how long did you stay for when you did the visit uh we stayed for two weeks oh okay it was all right that fucking sucks that's like two weeks with my grandma so it was nice she was just like you know she's like she like uh she was just like like looking after us and stuff it was really nice she had like a nice condo and stuff um fucking i'm looking at one of these popular flight tracking booking sites, Kayak. I don't fucking care.

I'll just say which one I'm using. I'm not sponsored. But it says here I can get a flight from Sydney to Edinburgh and it's only like, the cheapest one is 25 hours.

So, and that's one stop. The cheapest one that's two stop is 30 hours, 26 hours, which is still a lot. It's not 50 hours, though. I'm not seeing any numbers as high as 50 here. Maybe he's booking it on a specific time when none of the flights sync up.

But, I mean, I did that trip because the thing is Sydney, Australia, is too far away from the UK to do a um single single flight there are like the longest flights in the world i think london to perth in australia and london to tokyo they're like 18 hours in in the air um but everything else you have to everything else is is like um a transfer somewhere like like like in in doha or in dubai or somewhere like that and there's like places that or Hong Kong I mean I did that I did the New Zealand trip and man it was a long fucking journey it was like longer than a day door to door like 30 35 hours or something it was 30 hours it was a long fucking trip and it was it was crazy and I don't know like I just I'm not someone who can sleep sitting up right I

really struggled with it um yeah it was a nightmare like it was like you know when you I don't know like i just i'm not someone who can sleep sitting up right i really struggled with it um yeah it was a nightmare like it was like you know when you i don't know if you guys have ever done the 24-hour live stream or some sort of 24-hour no no or something like that i've tried and anyone who does that it seems really doable and anyone who does it is like like physically sick afterwards they are they are like like like it's like they always say never again because they it's way harder than you think it's like they always say never again because it's way harder than you think it's going to be staying up for that long because just it's like that sleep deprivation it's like torture yeah we don't realize how awful it is i'm like i'm like chronically

sleep deprived at this point in my life so i i think like i don't know if i could do 24 hours straight i'm probably still be pretty tired and and the thing is now as well i i can fall asleep very easily like oftentimes i can just sort of doze off if i'm like in front of my computer and i'm not talking or interacting with anybody certainly if i'm just sitting on the couch in my house or like on a bus or something i'm fucking i'm out like i'm sleeping straight i always wonder which way to go right Do you go on the depressives route? Do you have like melatonin and stuff to like knock you out, right? But the danger of that is that even with those, you can't sleep and then you're just in this hellscape of being exhausted but not being able to sleep.

Yeah, yeah. But I'm just saying for a long plane trip, right? Or do you go with the stimulants route and have like meth to keep you going for the whole plane trip? Long plane trips, like I love them now. I used to hate them and now i love them because it's just like what 11 hours and i get to sit there and nobody will ask me questions or talk to me or anything yes please i will do that no problem i can sleep whenever i

want and just do whatever i want things they'll be like do you want a hot towel do you want a packet yeah yeah i don't mind that there's no there's not a lot of responsibility to have a piss like multiple times i mean i assume this must be if you were flying alone because if you're flying with little kids oh yeah no i'm talking about flying alone yeah no not with not flying with little kids that's it i would agree whenever i fly business it feels like a little mini break it is yeah for sure flying flying economy still does feel like shit yeah yeah flying economy you got to just kind of hunker down like uh i just i thought i just try to fall asleep immediately and sleep as long as i can and then hope that it's over soon but the the handful of times i've flown business it's been

like holy shit so good worth it right for sure this is a good one this is from from max uh these are this is this is some triforce trivia. It might seem a little bit self-referential, but this is like some throwback trivia about things that happen in old episodes. Okay. Who rushed to end the first episode of the podcast? It would have been Lewis, for sure. It was Lewis. Only 40 minutes in,

but the podcast ended up being 90 minutes long. What? So you set a precedent right there for not listening. Oh, right. Were we planning on doing a longer for not listening oh right were we planning on doing a longer podcast no apparently we were planning on doing a shorter podcast and you tried to end it we were like shut up we're enjoying this and we just kept going for an hour and a half okay okay uh what home installment suggestion was peering appalled by when the builders suggested it um so this must have been when we were having uh the kitchen

redone this would have been about five or six years ago so near the beginning of the podcast what was it that you i vaguely remember this you being appalled by the suggestion of of an improvement but i can't fucking remember what it was so it was no idea a partition wall to separate off the children from us. Oh, yes. We would have a living room of our own and the kids would have their own living room. Right. That is insane.

What a wild suggestion. I know. And then this one, the topic of men fucking power stations, bicycles and pavements. Yes. Was the first discussion of its kind on the podcast. How long into the series did it take for this topic to come up?

Well, it depends because it was in the news around the time. I want to say that it was really, really early on because I remember talking about this at length around the time. This is before the garage was even completed. It was still like dungeon mode in the garage. So it would have been like pretty early on, I think. Give me an episode number. Oh, fuck.

I don't know. Like maybe 10 or something. Lewis, any thoughts? I have no idea when this was. It was episode one. It was only 40 minutes in. So it was around when Lewis was trying to end the podcast. Was that the first?

Oh, man. Oh, wow. Was that the first time we talked about it or the second or the third, though? was that the first was that oh wow was that the first time we talked about all the second or the third though that was the first time there was uh there was there was a bunch of stuff in the news around the same time there's the dude that got caught in the hotel room fucking his bike his push bike and then another dude was done for fucking the pavement in like uh or like he was like fucking a section of road or something yeah and he got done in and then somebody brought up the fucking a power station or something like that but i think the

two bits that were in the news were the push bike and the pavement right because both people were arrested for it where does it end yeah those chimneys though i can see why people will be attracted that's a very i'd like a new chimney, sir, and I would like you to ensure that it is fuckable, 100% fuckable. My chimney, if you're putting a chimney in,

I want to be able to fuck it whenever I want, it needs to be accessible. Get Fred Dibner up there to check it. Fred Dibner fucks chimneys, that would

be an interesting series. Maybe that's why he was obsessed with going up there all the time. He was a Yorkshire man, wasn't he, Fred Dittner? Yeah, yeah, he was a steeplejack.

He was a steeplejack. He was one of these brave generation of crazy lunatic men. He's from Manchester. I'm going to fuck that chimney. Watch this. He would just climb up a chimney and fuck it. Fred, what are you doing, you mad bastard? Fucking chimney.

Fucking chimney. Look at me fuck this chimney i'm not being fucked i'm a steeple steeple jacker offer that's what i do uh all right here we go massive fan from sweden here thank you gabriel i run a paintball company a paintball company together with two friends here in sweden i wanted to know your guys opinion on paintball what do you guys think i like a bit of paintball uh last time i did some paintball i was um i was sore for the longest time because it was in a in a valley so there was a lot of like running up a hill hiding on a hill running back down into the valley and stuff like that and it was fun at the time but i was crippled for the best part of a week afterwards uh it hurt

to walk upstairs and also i had quite a few welts from being shot point point blank mostly it really the one gripe i have with paintball is that there is i find there's very little respect for um you know like you know if you get the jump on somebody and you say, hands up, I got you, they turn and shoot you all the same. And you just think, come on now, I got you fair and square. I could have shot you point blank. And you've just dicked me by shooting me point blank when I had you fair and square. You know what I mean?

That happens a lot. I think it's an adrenaline thing or something, but that pisses me off about paintball. I think, okay, I think paintball is the early noughties office corporate training fad, right? That was this big thing back then that's largely been overshadowed by airsoft. You think? Yeah. Because airsoft guns look like real guns. That's the thing.

Paintball, right? I don't know. The thing about paintball was that when you got shot by a paintball, there was very little paint in them. And oftentimes, like, you weren't even sure. I mean, you felt it more than you saw it, right? Like, I get the idea of it's proof, right, that you've been shot. But I think what happened was over time, at least I think over the last 20 years, it has become more honourable and there's less of that.

Although I'm positive because I've seen some airsoft channels where people get shot and they don't announce. And so someone shoots them again you know yeah um and and but i i think it has gotten better in general and i think that you think there's been some reforms yeah i think so i think maybe just the kind of you have to be a bit of a dick to not go down when you've been shot yeah oh i think it's the pain though it's like i want to play i i bring this up a lot i want to play a paintball match where if you get shot you have to lay on the ground and pretend that you're dead so that i think people you can you can serve in the battlefield a bit you could be like oh shit jones went down there and he's still there he's fucking dead you know what i mean like i want an immersive experience you know i don't well that's how i don't want amateur hour out there on like community and like um and you know tv shows right yeah a tv

show going paintball for an episode always portrays it so much more dramatically like a civil war reenactment or something yeah and there's pain everywhere yeah actually you know in it but actually it's never that quite my biggest thing was i quite like the idea of paintball but i think the issue that i had with it was first of all um it really fucking hurts when you get shot like i've been hit on the on the thumb before by a paintball and even with quite thick gloves on yeah it hurts so much that i was like i don't want to do this anymore have you ever been hit on the tip of your dick before by a paintball no no i haven't no is it worse i'm pretty sure airsoft though which is i don't think airsoft hurts as much i'm sure it stings but it is a much smaller projectile

and a paintball especially if you get one of the hard ones that doesn't pop it really fucking hurts if it catches you just right like i i listen i don't need a email emails from airsoft fans just tom just edit this so that it goes out both ways and i'm saying both paintball hurts more and airsoft hurts more and then they both communities can be happy it's people definitely feels like it hurts more for sure like i think i've never done airsoft before so i i don't know i mean i'm. I'm sure it physically cannot hurt more. I mean, it's much smaller. I like the idea.

So is airsoft just like BB guns? Yeah, it's like a little plastic BB. Oh, it's little plastic ones. You ever been shot with one of those old metal BBs? No. What do you mean? That'll kill you. No, no.

It's not like an airsoft. It can't penetrate your skin, really it hurts it does i mean it's a little i've seen an airsoft pellet it's like a small white plastic ball yeah like if if people are going to tell me that that is more painful than a paintball which is quite big yeah and traveling at similar speeds i'd be genuinely very surprised um i'm sure it would those those fucking fucking those 22 bbs will kill you if you're not careful i was uh they're dangerous i was reading uh i read uh the uh the corner you ever you ever seen the the the mini series the corner or read the book after the wire i was tapped out i didn't want to see all right it's it's very depressing but uh it's really interesting because

it was um the corner was written kind of from the point of view of people who are, you know, living in crack houses and stuff. But there's an interesting bit from one of the homicide detectives when he was explaining like the calibers of ammunition used. And most people think like higher caliber is better, right? But like he was saying, yeah, you you know a higher caliber round like a rifle round or something if you get shot with that it'll pass right through you and it'll do a lot of damage but he said the problem the the the worst thing is getting hit with a lower caliber round because it doesn't have the power to pass right through you so if you get shot like say in the gut it's not going to come out the other side it what it does is it just like pings around inside you so it actually does more damage it shreds up more organs and so they

say actually getting shot with a lower caliber round is oftentimes uh more more fatal than just if you get shot with like you know the hunting rifle the the likelihood is yeah it'll do damage for sure there's tons and tons of factors factors. But it'll pass through you, and maybe it's a little bit easier to... I don't know if any of that is true. I don't know. I read it in that book. I don't know if it is. It depends where you get here. It depends how

quickly you get it treated. It depends, like, sometimes it can pull fabric through into the wound with the bullet, and that can be a real problem as well. But obviously, the bullet still being inside you is an issue too right like they have to get that out of there because it can be there's no doubt i'd say in summary getting shot fucking sucks but getting shot with a supersonic round is going to do a disgusting amount of damage to you just because it goes all the way through yeah yeah yeah punching all that stuff out yeah and i mean

obviously depending where you get shot as well is going to be a big factor too but i just thought it was interesting because i just the main thing is not all bullets were equal you know no no i mean how much the bullet expands is a big part of it as well because when you when the bullet if it stays mostly whole like if it's a very solid bullet like an armor piercing round or, it will go right through you and make a hole. And if it doesn't hit something important, it's a grave wound. But it's not like an expanding bullet, where

the softer the bullet, the more it expands. When it enters your body, all those shards of metal splinter off and shoot into organs and create holes and internal bleeding all over you. That's a big issue as well. Anyway, let's move on. This is from Nathan from Texas.

A lot of those bullets are banned, though. No, no, no. We're not talking about hollow points. For a start, those are not banned. You can still buy them. No, you can buy all of these rounds. They use them all the time. I don't know about that whole

dum-dum round being banned thing. There's lots of hollow point bullets out there. Anyway, howdy, period. Lewis and Sips. Nathan from Texas here. Wanted to reach out and tell a quick story about my time working in a local jail in the grand old state of Texas. Wow. I worked there for three years.

Here's a funny story about a fellow who managed to escape. I'll drop the accent. At this specific unit unit it was high security where the highest charges escape risks and aggressive inmates were held in this unit every inmate is a single person cell about the size of a family bathroom anyways when this unit was built the doors were built with anti-flood protection what this means is if it floods the doors would unlock so as not to drown whoever was in the cell right this proved to be a massive flaw as one inmate was able to pee into the lock,

tricking it into thinking it was flooding, and unlocking. No way! Now, that would normally not be that much of an issue, except one of the handymen who broke fixed items left his ladder on the floor. This inmate was able to use the ladder to climb onto the ceiling

and make his way to a non-secured portion of the jail where he found a window. He peed into the window, and the window opened as well. Next to the window was a fire hose that was there in case of fire he proceeded to break the window throw the fire hose out and climb down isn't it ironic that all of these safety measures happened to enable you know do the exact opposite unable to to escape anyway he then climbs out the window and starts going down the fire hose as he gets to the end of the hose he realizes he's still three stories off the ground, and below

is a nice, cushy, concrete sidewalk. He did not have much of a choice at this point, so he jumped down and managed to break both his legs as expected. He ended up crawling and made it a couple of blocks to the local gas slash petrol station where he was picked up and re-arrested. If it did not help his cause,

he left a trail of blood behind him. Oh my god man Jesus Christ So close Fuck that is insane What an insane story Thank you for sharing I find stuff like that really interesting

I can't believe he pissed into a lock and opened his cell door That's fucking insane Jesus Christ God Maybe you've enabled a whole generation of prisoners now everybody's gonna try the the lock piss trick you know the minute you get in a lot peeing a lock straight away if you're locked out this weekend try peeing in your front door lock yeah see maybe you've got a security uh flood thing there you know shit crazy these are great

by the way yeah thank you i know We've had some really good ones. These have been vetted to perfection today, Flax. You've done such a good job. Thank you. I've tried. So I will say half of the emails are about poop. Nice. I've filtered them out.

Well, I mean, half of the episodes of the podcast are as well. So, I mean, you know, it's fitting. We do talk about poop a lot. Just a very quick one from Sam. Dear Triforce, I'm an estate agent. Sorry. You scumbag! You fucking scumbag!

Fuck you! Anyway, thanks for listening to the podcast this week. It's been really fun. Great podcast this week. Yeah, really good one. Thanks for coming out, everybody. God bless the normal podcast this week. This has been a breath of fresh air, honestly.

We've still got a couple of hundred emails that I haven't managed to get through. Amazing. Perfect. Well, hang on to them. We'll do another one of these next time. All right. All right. You guys are in a hurry to stop this now because it's lunchtime, I guess.

Oh, yeah. It's lunchtime. I'm going to start to get angry very soon. Well, actually, it's Mental Health Week in in the office and we're taking everyone out for burgers Oh, why are you doing that this week? I get there on Monday on Sunday. You could go out for burgers as well You do whatever you like man. Just see turn up you go up first take everybody out for a burger. Why not? That's a good idea. You know what? I'll do that. Thanks. Yeah, you won't you're not here. You're not here next week No, I'll be back. How long are you going away for, Lewis?

If you mind me asking. Just a week. Just one week? Okay, so we'll see you a week after. Are you going to be back in time for Triforce? Will you be back on Thursday, ready to go? No, I'm going to miss a week of Triforce. You fucking scumbag. You were a fucking disgrace. And I've got a job as an estate agent.

Scum. You piece of shit Fuck you Alright bye everyone Peace Bye