Triforce! - Triforce! Mailbag Special #27: Jimmy Sexlad and the Rotten Apples

Episode Date: January 6, 2024

Triforce Mailbag Special 26! Flax is having a mighty cold Christmas, Lewis 'The Tinder Superstar' talks about his recent dating experiences, we discover that Pyrion doesn't really want to go anywhere (not just Australia) and we return to the old classic Portage chat! Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

pickaxe mailbag six is it uh it's a mailbag how are you feeling you've got cuddly warm feet cozy yes heating working yeah fine yeah oh good flex how are you feeling cozy warm the opposite heating working the opposite frosty he's bar humbugging like crazy yeah i had the the perfect timing the week before christmas uh the boiler has packed up uh there is a leak somewhere in the system to the point where when we add water to like the pressure was zero and the plumber was like hmm oh you got a leak oh we got a bad leak but it's it's big because it was like he literally added water turned the boiler on and it was like bonk it all just fell out don't know where it's going oh no man it's in your walls or something somewhere.

Something. So we've got, on Wednesday, got some lads coming out. They're gonna use a variety of tools. I didn't know these existed. I was like, how are they gonna find the leak? They have this thing where they put gas in the system, and the gas will come out from the leak and they go around with like a detector, and it beeps when it gets near the gas. It's like an inert gas, but it's one that wouldn't be commonplace, I can't remember which it is. But essentially, the detector can find the area. They have these cameras, thermal imaging cameras that will see through the walls and look for

patches of dampness, all kinds of shit like that. It's incredible. The technology is nuts, eh? It's mad. So hopefully they can locate it, plug it up and get some heat. Now, we were like, shit, no heating and no hot water for like a week. Yeah, right. Big Mama Flax is coming up.

I've got to go pick her up tomorrow. So, you know, it's going to be cold here. She's like 80. It's going to be cold for her, no hot water. And I was like, this is going to suck. If she's 80, she's probably used to it, right? Well, she's got a nice toasty flat now. Oh, right.

Because normally older people in England just live miserably, don't they? They have no heating. The council never helps them out. You see them with their trolleys carting fire logs through town and stuff. It's true. You know that they're just trying to keep warm and whatever. Your mum sounds lucky. She's okay.

She had a fire actually about 15 years ago at her house. The flat above hers caught fire and when they put it out, it flooded her apartment. And as a result, the insurance company stepped in and was like, oh, don't worry, madam, we'll cover all this, and repaired a bunch of stuff. And while that was all going on, we were like, you should really probably get some central heating. And she was able to get a grant because she's old and poor and everything, and she managed to get it. So she's got central heating, we got double glazing for her whole house, because she didn't

have double glazing. So her house, her little flat now is like, super toasty warm. And now she's facing the prospect of coming to your cold as hell house. It's like a little fucking gingerbread oven, isn't it? Yeah. It's like a little fucking gingerbread. Exactly. You cook up some little grandchildren in there.

Exactly. Oh my God. But so luckily, because one of our neighbours is going away for Christmas and we've got like a street WhatsApp group and I was like, we're out of fucking water for Christmas, uh gg and they were like oh look we're going away we'll give you a key you can shower at us oh my god so we i was i mean what a blessing they're like right close by so we'll we'll use their shower and uh leave them a nice christmas present to say thank you i was thinking what a relief oh my god or else god so I was thinking about what the, like, first of all, what the fuck? Yeah.

Like the worst time. Just bad luck. Like the seven days of your home over Christmas with your, with your mum over to have no showers, no like hot water. You don't realise how annoying it is actually to have like no hot water and stuff. Because you go and wash your hands at the sink and it's like that fucking icy cold water every time. Like every time you're doing the washing up, you have to boil the kettle and throw that in the sink.

You know, it's just, it's a pain. It's super annoying. Yeah. And so I'm glad that you've got some solutions. I thought you were gonna have to get to the gym and have a shower or like... Well, that's what we're gonna do in the meantime, so... I mean, Flax could have gone to the YMCA, but what the hell else is this whole other family gonna do? Yeah. They just have to wait outside the Y while he's in there having a hot meal

and having a wash and doing whatever he feels. Well, isn't there a YWCA? Isn't that a thing as well? The YWCA? They're not as commonplace as the YMCA, though. Where is the nearest YMCA to me, actually? I'm just gonna look. I have not seen- I remember there was one in Bournemouth, but I do not remember there being one. I don't even think there's one. Oh, there's one in the West London YMCA, which is in New Malden apparently, which is not too far away. There's one in South Ealing. Yeah, because you could go there, you could probably get a meal, probably have

a wash. You can have a good meal. You can get yourself a... You could do whatever you feel. And then while you're in there having fun, you look out and your wife and your two daughters' face pressed up against the window. They're filthy, cold.

You're just living it up. You're like, you're wearing your Christmas jumper and you're toasting everybody and laughing, belly laughing. Yeah. So, it sounds like you've cobbled together some survival plan for the holidays. Yeah.

And I've warned my mom. I was like, it's going to be cold, etc. But- Yeah. We've got electric heaters. The problem with electric heaters is they just suck all the moisture out of the air. It's so dry. They do.

Yeah, they do. And expensive as well. But air. It's so dry. They do, yeah. They do. And expensive as well. But I mean, it's only for a week, hopefully. So I just figured like, she's got a couple. When I go to pick her up, we'll bring those up. We've got a couple in the house, borrowed one from a friend. So we should be okay. And also, luckily, it's not actually that cold at the moment.

It's like- No, yeah. It's been milding. Let me just check the weather in Twickers. Serious typing. We're going- This this is full we're full dad mode we've talked about plumbing we're talking about heating now we're checking the weather i mean it's actually going to be 12 degrees 12 degrees 14 degrees 15 13 degrees it's not going to get cold till tuesday so tuesday and that's only nine degrees so we've been blessed. We're lucky. The only thing that would put a spanner in the works is if that volcano goes up.

Oh, which, uh... That could be an issue. Which one is the... The one in Iceland. The latest one? Oh, I've been erupting away. It's been erupting away. Yeah.

Well, we think that, what, you think that's gonna take us out as well, do you? No, so, I mean, there is a history of volcanoes and winters caused by the ash. Yeah. All right. So, I mean, let's talk about some of the big ones. 75,000 years ago, an eruption on the island of Toba. So catastrophic, it reduced the human population to 4,000 people. So childish of Iceland.

Not all of us want to live in Iceland like you have to, Iceland. Just quit it with your volcanoes and your ash. Yeah, it's rude. We don't want it, okay? We're trying to live... We're trying to get warm and live it up. You guys keep your volcanoes, or at least keep the ash above you and stop spreading it around so much.

Yeah, we don't want your ash. We don't want it. Etobah eruption. Yeah. This was so long ago, P-Facts. Yeah, all right. spreading it around so much yeah we don't want your ash we don't want it the toba eruption yeah it was this was so long ago pfax yeah all right well that means we do another one doesn't it if it happened like 75 000 years ago why does it have to happen during again during my lifetime like because it's the 2020s just skip whatever like 80 odd years that i'll be around i see where i see people at six when we're due for some fucking Mayan calendar catastrophe shit. It's just been a shit 23 years, I'd say, this millennium so far has been pretty

wank. What a dodgy, bad shit has happened. I don't know! Yeah, but you look back and some pretty good stuff's happened as well. Well, I don't want to bring people down, but the millennium started with 9-11, essentially. We saw Britney Spears' career peak during the 2000s, we know this. Peak and trough!

We saw the peak and trough. Yeah. We've seen the rise of Swifties. That's true. What else have we seen? We've had Bieber fever. I mean, it's been pretty good already, I'd say. You're right.

Putting aside the multiple wars and catastrophes, global economic collapse is COVID. Yeah, I mean, balancing that out with the Kardashians, come on. Yeah, you're right. Reasons to be cheerful. Yeah, right. You gotta find the silver lining, you know? But there've been volcanic winters that last like a couple of years, the year without summer, all that kind of stuff.

I'm just saying- Winters, schminters, let's get Jedward back. What happened to Jedward? They were on something recently, what was it? They're still going, of course they are. You know, don't worry about Jedward, they're doing fine. I'm not worried about them, I'm just waiting for them to really come back. I feel like it's time, you know?

Like, if we're talking about catastrophic calendar events, when was Jedward last in the media, and when are they coming back? 2019, they were on Celebrity Coach Trip 4. Okay, well, see, so it's been what, four years? So according to how things work, it's like every five years, right? So next year, 2024, we could expect a bit of Jedward action, hopefully? Maybe they can go on Strictly or something, have they been on yet? Crush the fingers. No, they've not been on Strictly.

Maybe they could do a Celebrity Survivor and Jedward could go on. They were Ireland's entry in the 56th and 57th Eurovision Song Contest. Yes. But do you think if they went on Celebrity Survivor together, do you think that they would team up or do you think they'd be at odds? Do you think they'd get sick of each other? No, they go together. They go together.

So they would stay together and they... Do you think they would do an honorable Sudoku if one went out, the other one would be like, I'm going out too? Well, Celebrity Big Brother 2017 Series 19, they finished runners up. Wow. They finished runners up as a pair. I think that they are probably psychopathically connected. In a way that twins... It's always hinted, oh, twins have a special bond. I think

they are literally the same person, and we're just seeing double. I don't think there's arguments between them. I think they are literally one mind. They should redo The Shining, and then when they do the callback to the scene in the hallway with the twins standing in the hallway, it's Jedward. Yeah. Well, there you go. That would be sweet. Do you guys want to hear some emails or do you want to just talk?

Yeah, you can chuck some emails in while we talk. I don't know if there's like that much to talk about. Sure. It's weird. It's like busy leading up to Christmas, but like nothing really happens other than just getting stressed out, basically. Well, this is quite a nice one. This is from a Brit who recently moved to Germany to live and work.

And after a year, they've compiled a list of the quirks of living in Germany and its people. I quite like these, I didn't know all of these. Some of them I'd heard about. Yeah. So here you go. If at any doctor's office, I assume that goes for dentists as well, people say hello and goodbye as they come in and out of the waiting room,

like to the other people waiting. And you get dirty looks for not greeting the other men at the urologist's office. It was an odd experience. Really? Yeah, so you have to come in and go, Guten Tag, Guten Tag to everybody. I find that quite sweet.

I do not know where the stereotypes about good German trains and German efficiency come from. The train system is terrible, constantly late and delayed, especially the long-distance trains between major cities, and complaining about the trains is a national sport. Moving here made me miss even the underfunded regional train systems in the UK. I'd heard about this.

My friend Axel lives in Germany and he's always complaining about the German train system. Germans, write in, why is it so shit? Was es die deal mit der Trains? I don't think that was always the case, but maybe it's just a modern thing. Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. On the other hand, bureaucracy stereotype is true. Enough paperwork to fell the Amazonian rainforest.

Majority of things cannot be digitally submitted or signed. Thus, waiting times at the major civil offices for permits, visas, etc. are multiple months long. Foreigners trying to settle in Germany often have their initial visa expire before being granted an appointment for a residence permit. They have laws around this to help, but it's an overcomplicated, underfunded system. The Germans follow rules very carefully in some cases, but in others, it's anarchy. For example, Germans will never cross a pedestrian crossing, I've seen this, unless the light is green. Like, they literally will stand there.

I've been in quiet German towns, there's no cars for miles around, and there will be like 12 of them just standing there waiting. And if you step out, they all look at you and sort of tut. Like you were meant to wait. Yeah,'s there's there's layers to that too though like i like normally i'll just walk across the street but if there if there's a crossing and i see like a kid waiting to cross like with their mom or whatever i'll wait for the light as well because i just think it's a good thing for kids to learn right and I think if kids see you just like, oh, fuck, here I go. It looks clear enough.

You walk across, you know what I mean? You're not really doing your service to society, right? You've got to lead by example sometimes. So there's that to think about. I don't think anyone in London waits. No, but if you're with your own kids as well, you wait for the green man too.

Yeah, but I don't trust them not to fuck it up. We're trying to man to- Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't trust them to fuck it up. We're trying to make a danger crossing. When they were younger, I don't trust them to make it. I know I'll make it. Will they make it? Probably not. I guess, though, like the German thing, I watched this guy every time I open Instagram or whatever, there's this German guy who does these little shorts, and he's got this really

like scowl of a face on him, right? And he's like walking down the street, and there's got this really like scowl of a face on him right and he's like walking down the street and there's all these other germans there like like dressed up in whatever whatever they are there's sometimes they're goth sometimes they're like teenagers sometimes they're whatever and they're all scowling as well and then something will happen like someone will drop drop their their their orange or their phone or something do you mean and then suddenly he'll like his face will turn normal he'll pick up he'll be like here you go and they'll be like thanks and then they all go back to scowling again do you mean like right they they're not actually they're just bait resting

bitch face it's like that couple on uh father ted you know the one that they're always arguing they're always like fuck you janet oh fuck you. Oh, hello, father. Yeah. I love that so much. Maybe. No, I don't think it's that. I think it's more just that everyone's actually nice, but they have just default scowls. And that's the same in London, I think, too, to some extent. People actually are more talkative and willing to talk, but they don't have that. They're not prepared

for it right yeah um oh by the way talking to london lewis uh friend of mine was out the other night went to a just a regular pub nine pounds for a pint nine pounds what so what the hell i mean before the end of next year it's going to be a tenner a pint in london's standard no doubt in my mind that is insane. How do people go out drinking? You just fucking don't do it as often. You got to get some tinnies in. Well, pre-drinking is a big thing.

I mean, I was out in Bristol, you know, over Jingle Jam, drank a hell of a lot, and it's much more reasonably priced than it is in London, but it's still expensive compared to what it used to be. It's standard that pints are a fiver now. Like, that is standard in a lot of places. Write in and let us know. I don't want to hear about your student union prices. They're all subsidized, or they were.

I don't want to hear, because I used to get a pound a pint night down the union. Whatever. I want to hear, what are your most expensive pints? All right? I'm tempted to disqualify Scandinavians, but I do want to hear it anyway. Please convert all currencies to great British pounds. Thank you. Good God. Got one here for you, boys. You can solve this.

Okay. All right. This guy's having trouble with someone in the office. I'm beginning to lose my mind working out a turn of phrase. When you send a collection tin around in the office, what is it called? A collection tin? Yeah. So it's someone's leaving. It's someone's birthday, you send a tin round, everybody puts a bit of change in it, what do you call that? Just a collection.

So you call it a collection. Some people will call it other things. Okay, I can't think of any off the top of my head. A whip round. A whip round, yeah, that's another one, yeah. So, this guy's friend keeps calling it a reach-around. Oh no! Insists that it is called a reach-around.

Right. That's not good. it a reach around. Oh no. Insists that it is called a reach around. Right. That's not good. That is, that is a reach around is when you are fucking someone in the ass and you reach around and jerk them off. That's a reach. Thank you for that. That's precisely what I needed today.

Yeah. Thank you for that. A whip round is when you send something around and everybody puts money in. I'm just saying. You whip it around. We're on the same page. We're on the same page here. Yes, we know. All the best. Well, Merry Christmas, Joe. Tell your colleague or friend that that is not called

a reach around. He might be messing around, in which case it's very funny. I love the joke. But if he's serious, it's a whip around, not a reach around. Trust. Yes, that's solved. That is solved. That was so easy to solve as well. We agree with you. That's not a reach around. That person should be sectioned. That's worrying. That is... I wonder if they'll ever get to the point where they realize what they've been saying

and they look back and are embarrassed and think, oh my God, I use that term so often to so many people who probably all realise that I wasn't saying the right thing. You know what I mean? Yeah. I wanna be there when the penny drops. I like that. I'd like to be there.

You know, I like that moment of realisation, you know? Like unusual suspects, when he realises at the end, oh my god, that's not a reach around? Like he just fucking dons on him. He drops his mug I guess this is an Eggcorn right There's a lot of eggcorns that people have And just can't say stuff wrong

It's like a Ricky From Trailer Park Boys thing isn't it That's like a Ricky-ism I'd say that's an extreme Ricky-ism I also think most of those are Like when he says worst case Ontario instead of worst case scenario, right? Worst case Ontario!

A totosome. Right. I feel like those are mishearings that have then become the thing. Like my friend who thought it was float like a butterfly, stink like a pig. What? Instead of sting like a bee. They just misheard it, right? Yeah.

And they kind of got stuck with it. And if you don't use the phrase or you use it and people are too polite to correct you, you get away with it. But there's no way you're misusing reach around. Like there's just no way. No. Yeah. All right.

This one is for Lewis. This email is a wanting to delve a little deeper into Lewis and his dating. Oh my God, man. We don't have time. From the descriptions of it over the past couple of episodes, he's doing well. Sounds like it, yeah. He might be sugarcoating it, though. I mean-

Rizzing up the females and sometimes going on multiple dates a week. Yeah. My quick question is, how? He is finding such success to even get to the in-person date stage, as I am on multiple apps for years and have never had a date. God bless. So, yeah. Want to know.

Lewis has figured out how to game it, though. That's why. He spent a lot of time in the lab analyzing and figuring it out. And now he knows. He knows how the algorithm works. He knows how to get how to get hits and swipes. And the quality of the chicks that this guy is picking up is, I mean, or you switch your profile to bisexual, men are much more likely to swipe on you and people in the Philippines

apparently are much more likely to swipe on a white guy. Really? I don't know why, maybe it's the exotic nature of it or something. Or they're looking for a husband, I don't know why. Maybe it's the exotic nature of it or something. Or they're looking for a husband. I don't know. Whatever it is, they are much more likely to swipe on you. And as a result, your ranking effectively on the site goes up and you get shown to women first or sooner. So the fact is a lot of guys on Tinder, mainly on Tinder, are just not being seen by women at all. Because actually the way it works

is you get 100 swipes swipes per day okay and it will show you the hottest people first um and so most women don't ever pay for tinder they don't have to because every every man everyone they swipe on has already swiped on them there's this crazy statistic where if you swipe right on tinder as a woman you're like 40 chance to match whereas with a man it's like if you're a guy swiping right on tinder you're it's like a one percent chance to match right because men are less picky and also men well i say men let's pick in this isn't true either right men are men just want a date and are desperate for anything but women are much more um can chew can afford to be picky because of the way it works. However, in general, actually, women are less picky than men.

They have to be. Have you seen men? Oh, my God. Yeah, exactly. I've seen a couple, and I'm not impressed. There's this thing where the men will rate, so on average, men will rate a woman like a seven, but they'll date a six, right?

Whereas women, on average, will rate men five, but will date a four. Well, Mrs. F married a two, so God bless her. Well, my wife married a zero, so go figure, I guess. Oh, you're not a zero, mate. I'll give you a two as well. No, no, come on. He's being too generous.

We're both solid twos. I wouldn't advise playing these weird games of switching yourself to gay or putting yourself in the Philippines or anything like that. I think you do need to have pictures that look good, and ideally- Why not actually just switch to being a gay Filipino and see how it goes? Right, okay. Well, I mean, that's, I guess, something that people have always heard about.

Someone with a Thai bride or something, don't you? Or a Russian bride. And, you know, start giving dudes whip browns. Don't emulate, actuate. Nice. Become gay right now. And Filipino, if you can. Yeah.

All right. We've got to move on. We've got a lot of emails. It's hard. Good luck, my friend. Good luck. I'd love to talk to you about it more, but don't exploit anything. Just get someone to take good pictures of you doing interesting things.

People, it doesn't matter what you look like. It's more interesting, apparently, which is, again, not what I'm doing, but more interesting to have pictures of you doing fun things. Join a book club or go to AA meetings or something. Try to meet people outside of that. A lot of these guys on sites just think, oh, I must be ugly. But that's not what it is, really. We're all ugly, alright?

We're all ugly. There's like 1% of dudes are not ugly. Speak for yourself, mate. Jeez. Yeah. Well, you just admitted you're a zero, mate. Nah, I know. You're just a confident zero.

Which women love. Women love confidence. They love that. Yeah, that's why. Yeah, that's it. That's the trick. Be confident. That's why you should always, if you ever meet a woman, just announce all the things that you could do.

Yeah! Just say, I could jump between those two buildings, no problem, even if they're like a hundred yards apart. Watch me do it right now. Yeah, here, watch this. They'll be like, oh no, don't! And then you've got them. And also, for the record, doing well means I'm having like, one date every two

weeks, and they're awful. You're doing better than that, though. Are all your dates really that awful? Oh, a lot of them are, yeah. Awkward? Are they awkward? They're just... Do any of them result in any type of intimacy?

Or are a lot of them just like, well, see you later? I'm not hoping for that. Do you want to talk about it on the podcast? Or... Well, I don't know. Do you have to get into it? It's not really like... I'm not expecting that, either. No. But then again, I don't have to get into it. It's not really like... I'm not expecting that either.

No. But then again, I literally have never had a... I've had one Tinder date, you know. It's not a thing that I actually find any success on, or... See, I know girls who've been on the app, and they are fucking slaying dick. Like they are smashing it constantly. Do some people just want to do that forever though do they just want to be on there i think it's addictive and i mean just date and and meet tons of different people i think it's addictive i think they're not actually looking for someone

you just you just like someone the process i think it's quite easy for women to compartmentalize their feelings about things. I think blokes tend to be a bit more either stubborn in their feelings for things, or sort of more overwhelmed by something, and it's like one thing or the other. Whereas I think... I know, this is from speaking to women who are on the apps or have been on the apps, and they're like, oh no, this guy's just a guy you fuck. And then you both know the deal is we're both gonna move on.

So they'll just fuck this guy and then move on to the next guy. I'm terrified of this whole scene. I don't want any of my kids to do any of this stuff. Well, I mean, hopefully they will meet people organically, but in reality, these apps are eating themselves. I don't think they're going to be the future of dating because they suck. And they are set up in a way that really is kind of crazy. I've spoken about this a little bit before, but it is really interesting. The way it works

is that if you're a woman on there, you get a lot of attention because everyone messaged you and says hi, and you get to pick who you want to go out with. And of course, you're a woman on there, you get a lot of attention because everyone messages you and says hi, and you get to pick who you want to go out with. And of course, you're going to pick the best men. If you're in a fucking supermarket and there's a load of apples there, or a load of them are moldy, you're going to pick the nicest looking apple. Yeah, they're not going to pick me. Unfortunately, the nicest looking hottest looking apple is the guy who, I don't want to say is a fuckboy, but there are definitely like Jimmy sex lads.

Jimmy sex lad. Is that his name? Jimmy sex lad. You mean like he goes to the gym? That would be such a good name. You should start a band. Jimmy sex lad and the rock apples. But they all call that anyway. Do you know what I mean?

With bright white teeth and a bmw jermaine yeah yeah but then again like that's got its own red flags yeah i think that the point the point is that what you have is um the the guys who know how to do it are are going on these dates and with these women and that's fine i think that i think i think it's fine but for it's definitely a hookup app for women it's not necessarily a hookup app for men, Tinder. It's like being gay on Grindr or whatever. Not that I've done much of it, but speaking to people about it, it's very much like, oh, I want to have sex with someone?

Okay, I'm in Paris tonight. I've already got three guys lined up. It's very easy to do it because guys are very open to it. Women are more picky and can be more picky. I tried dating a girl who was into Semaphore, but too many red flags. Lewis is wrong again! That is this email. Yeah. I'll know!

Yeah. I'll know. PSA! Take what I say with a pinch of salt, everyone. I'd love it if this email actually just contradicted everything Lewis just said. Oh my god. Point by point. I would like to let everyone know, Lewis was confidently incorrect on the Jingle

Jam PP stream. That's peculiar portions. Blue Peter is still running, despite Lewis's attempts to have the show cancelled by mentioning it is no longer running. It is still the longest running children's TV show. What would make you think it wasn't running anymore, Lewis? Because he doesn't watch children's TV anymore. I think I spoke to someone and they told me it wasn't running and I believed them.

They were like, oh, it's sad because my Blue Peter badge isn't accepted anywhere. The BBC said there are categorically no plans to stop the world's longest running children's TV series. A spokesperson said, the future for Blue Peter is bright bright there are categorically no plans to stop it the program continues to be enjoyed by audiences on cbbc channel and iplayer there you go okay well it's still going is it great still going still limping on no it's it's striding it's it's huge strides. Huge confident strides. Good. Good. I used to like Blue Peter when I was a kid. It was a very wholesome... You got the badge! Did you?

I did, I did. Yeah. He just said you got the badge. Well, no, I was talking to someone who had the badge. Which was apparently, and it did get you into places, like cheap and free and stuff. Freemasons. Not anymore. Not in this economy. Yeah, there's no way. Here's my blue Peter badge.

Can I have 50% off a pint? Yeah, that'll be seven quid, mate. Okay. So here's another email. This is a question for us all. If you only had one arm. Today at my work, we had a presenter born without her left arm come in and talk about her experiences.

I wonder if it's that girl that presented children's TV. Yeah. What's her name? I can't remember her name. It was like Cindy or something. Something like that. Yeah. She had us try various tasks, such as tying our shoes, wrapping a Christmas present,

putting a pillow into a pillowcase with only one arm. One thing that stuck out is that she showed us a 3D printed little creation that allows you to use two Nintendo Switch Joy-Cons in one hand to play games like Rocket League and stuff for kids that are also missing one arm. That's cool. My question for you boys is, if you lost one of your arms in a tragic accident,

would you continue to pursue your passion in video games and try to play games with only one hand? And specifically to me, do you think Dota 2 is possible? No. Or would you look for another career path? I don't think you could play Dota one-handed. I mean, you can click on the spells, but you would, I mean, you would find something.

The beauty of Dota and any esport type game is you don't necessarily need to play it. You just need to really know it and understand it. I mean, it obviously helps to play it, but you could just watch a lot of it, know exactly what is happening, and then you could still do commentary and stuff on it right you could analysis like yeah that that would that would work also there's plenty of games you can play with one hand like all of the grand strategy games you could easily play with one hand yes most tablet games you can play with one hand like i can play hearthstone battlegrounds or slay the spy or anything with one hand easily

absolutely i mean i'm looking at my library now any strategy game you can play with one hand yeah yeah well i have some insight into this because of becky who i'm friends with from jingle jam and she's um helped by special effects so she's in a wheelchair she plays games with her eyes and i think to some extent these people want to just play the games that other people are playing yeah and and it doesn't matter so much sometimes they're very very difficult to play right like minecraft fortnight these are the things that that she she wanted to play right because other people were playing them i don't think actually fortnight really but the sims definitely was a big game that she played yeah and obviously there are a lot of adaptive controllers

that allow you to plug in things where you can you know use your eyes but use your chin use other ways to play yeah i think i always i always sort of had the view of like well just choose games that are relatively why don't you just play games that are relatively tuned to you playing them like turn-based games like management strategy kind of games yeah like a lot of games that i play anyway are just with the city builders i'm tabbed out and and yeah but i think actually it's more i don't know if you want to play a game more because you can't if there's any psychology there almost like feels like oh well you know this is um you know i wouldn't really want to play beat saber with vr you know but i can't because

i can't swing around the controllers you know so i have to find a way to do that but i i feel like i feel like that there is this there's always that FOMO right like you're like oh is this is this the game for me is this the best thing to do for me but honestly i play every game and i try and encourage people to play and try out different games and different genres and there's so many games out there that you know like even this christmas i'm like thinking i'm looking through my library and i'm like am i gonna fucking play cyberpunk the dlc that i've been meaning to do am i gonna finish this puzzle game i've been playing am i gonna fucking play dota with everyone because they're playing that in the evening you know god what which are these which are these games am i gonna fucking invest my time into or am i best off just reading one

of these pile of books i've got doing that fucking jigsaw puzzle over there playing board games with my friends like you know am i better off like getting my vr headset out and trying out some of these games i've been putting off do you mean like there's so much choice that that is overwhelming really um so yeah if i had one arm uh i don't know like fuck it i think i'd be fine i honestly think i probably wouldn't notice i think it it might limit my um my speed at being a pro gamer but i think actually yeah nothing slows me down on that front and i'm well being being a competitive you know gamer but i don't really play those competitive games these days anyway because i feel like i've slowed down we're all old anyway

the adrenaline of like playing dota and stuff it's just gets too much for me man like i don't like playing that sort of stuff it's no i like to chill now i like i i rather have something more cerebral yeah i try not to play stuff that is competitive that i know is just gonna annoy me or trigger me or whatever because it's just not a good time is it like just you just feel like shit you know you're just like it's it depends who you play with and stuff but like yeah oftentimes i'd rather just be left alone in my own little sandbox my own little world and just enjoy myself rather than i'd be i'd be fine do you mean uh what were the other things pillow Pillowcase. I've got a cleaner

to change with that. I don't need that. What's the other one? Having a wank. That's fine. I'd do that with one hand. Well, I need two hands and a third person to help out. Yeah. You'd probably do with your feet if you were agile. But also, you know, if I keep getting the dates, then I don't need to wank either. So, what's next? Like, give me all these things. Oh my God, man. I can't believe you just said that, but it's so true

It's so true at the same time Give me the other things that I can't do with one hand on that list. Peeling an orange That was it. I don't eat oranges Next. Alright, next email You'd find it difficult to do the worm, the dance move

No, you don't use up worm. Oh no, you do use up. You do need, you kind of need both your hands and arms. Either way, DOTA and CS and stuff like that would become much harder to talk of, all the rest is impossible. But there are still plenty of games. There are outliers though, there are people who are way better at those games than I am and they do use their eyes to control or whatever, it's insane.

Absolutely. So, we must have spoken about targeted ads at some point, because I had like eight emails about that. We did, remember? I was telling you guys about those ads I got on YouTube. I had no previous search history looking up this stuff, but I was getting it fed to me constantly. And it was like, how to pick up young women and stuff.

Right, right, right. Oh my God. So this is from Alex. I am a train spotter, and I have an Instagram account where I follow other railway enthusiasts. Right. I only use this account for trains, and don't interact with anything else on it. For some reason, I exclusively get personalized adverts for clinical trials, particularly ones around chronic skin conditions and social anxiety.

Yes. I assume the algorithm. Yeah, this is what it's targeting. It's taking your interest and making assumptions of you as a person based on them. It's got to be. Yeah. and making assumptions of you as a person based on them. It's gotta be. Yeah, so Alex has sent me two screenshots, one for a trial about helping people with eczema, and one helping people with OCD. So, yes, obviously the algorithm is unapologetically

gonna stereotype you. In the Venn diagram of people, there's quite a big overlap. I understand, you're people who like trains railway enthusiasts i mean i love trains and i have xmas so you know i'm actually already you know in that i i mean i'm not helping am i too you're not helping no um and there's a yeah so here's another one um this is from uh matthew um i have the option ticked on YouTube to not use personalized ads, and I believe this has led to my strange ads based on what I watch, mainly creators reading Reddit posts.

The ads I commonly get are for a company called MyGyna, which, as you can probably guess, focuses on products for women. As well as this, I have had ads for Always tampons, despite being a male with no use for these products. Weirdly, my girlfriend, who watches the same type of content, gets ads for erectile dysfunction. I wonder if this is Google overcompensating with ridiculous ads to hide the fact they're still tracking me,

despite ticking the no personalised box. Or have I truly tricked them into thinking I'm a woman with my watch tapes? I very much doubt Google is trying to mind game you and be like like we don't know if you're a man or a woman i think it literally just is random sometimes sometimes people just advertise to to to what they think maybe they think you're a couple watching together maybe they think you know whatever like or maybe they just know you're in a relationship or something like this that's why why, you know, I don't know. It's not like advertising erectile dysfunction stuff to a woman is even bad, or always to a man is bad. Like, you know, you still have to pick up the products for your partner, or you still

have to- or you might think, well, if my partner's struggling with this, maybe I've seen this thing about, you know, his erectile dysfunction, let's get something sorted out. Don't struggle in silence, guys. Get yourself- I'm like the complete opposite of erectile dysfunction. Like, my guy is ready to go all the time. Like, I need something to calm him down. You know what I mean?

Wow. So you need some erectile dysfunction pills to cause it, rather than cure it. Yeah, I need some- Erectile- Voluntary dysfunction. Deliberate dysfunction. Yeah. Well, you could just hit it. Hit it with a little stick.

Get a little mallet. Get down! It's like whack-a-malling it. No, stop. Maybe get someone to give you a whip round. That might help. Oh, that's a good idea. Fucking hell. This is Yeah. That might help. Oh, that's a good idea. Fucking hell.

These are great. This is great. So this is a throwback email. This is about portage. Nice. I had no idea when we talked about portage. Fucking portage. I asked Shadow if she'd been to do portage.

She was like, of course. Yeah, who hasn't? You guys are crazy. I'm a Canadian, of course. Yeah. I live in the hellscape of Winnipeg in Canada, where it goes from plus 40 to minus 40 every year. I have some questions for Sips as a fellow Canadian. One, have you ever been to Winnipeg?

Yes, I have. Yeah, I have family. My grandmother was born in Winnipeg, and her brothers and sisters lived there. Many times we passed through Winnipeg, because I had grandparents that lived in British Columbia as well. We drove there multiple times when I was a kid. It was about a week to drive there with a car with two small kids in. And one of the stops along the way, unfortunately, every time was Winnipeg. And it was really fucking boring. And the weather sucked.

And it just sucked. Nobody ever looked forward to going, but we went. Well, the second question was, why not? So I think Brad was expecting you not to have been to Winnipeg. I've been, Brad. On the subject of portaging, you should all know that there is an event held every year in February in Winnipeg called Festival du Voyageur, which celebrates the quote unquote heroic fur traders for some reason. Yeah. I'm not sure why, as they were second rate explorers known to keep indentured slaves,

have multiple side chicks and bastard children on their routes, contributed to alcoholism in the indigenous population, the depopulation of furred animals across the continent, and worst of all, were French. But this canoeing festival happens outdoors when it's regularly minus 40, so maybe it's all ironic. Some quick fun facts about the Voyageurs et Portage. One, they had to carry a minimum of two 90-pound sacks at a time. That's impressive. Yeah.

Their canoes had a crew of 10 weighed 600 pounds could carry four sorry three tons and were carried over land by just four men yeah a standard portage was considered a half mile the longest fur route portage being nine miles and the longest practical being 19 miles the first crossing of north america was by, with over 100 portages of over 250 miles, and over a decade before those posers Lewis and Clark. Thank you Brad for the portage fact update. Brad, thank you so much for the portage information. Really really good.

It is interesting. Wow. But honestly, it is just a really fun way of going camping as well. If you're not into the fur trade or you know you don't have to portage or whatever if you're if you're ever just wanting to get away from it all and i mean like really get away from it all like shitting in a hole and stuff in the ground um portage is oh you gotta do it you gotta try it at least once it's fun you just bring all the supplies you need just bring a lot of weed with you as well and uh you'll be fine you'll be out

there for like a week or whatever uh you might you might need to come back earlier depending if you run out of supplies you'll know though if you start running out of like juice powder and uh and you know um hot noodles and stuff you just you know you know when it's time to go and then you just gotta canoe back to the land and carry your canoe back to your car and you're good. It's fun. So this weekend, I stayed in a canal boat for a couple of days. Did you? Yeah, I did.

And it was very odd. Who did you stay there with, if you don't mind me asking? A friend of mine. A friend of yours who owns a canal boat? They don't rent it, but the guy who owns it lets them live there for free. Right. Because I understand it's actually quite expensive to maintain a canal boat if you have one. You have to pay like fucking... you have to pay like mooring fees and licensing fees and

the gas and the diesel and the... there's tons of tons of ludicrous called the water it's a pain in the ass apparently so you know i think he has it and wants and uses it in summer and stuff but the rest of the year around like especially now it's freezing cold it's not it's like kind of like camping you know because you know it's cozy and it's nice and stuff but it's like you know it doesn't necessarily have all the mod cons. And I think you're constantly in fear of it leaking or something going wrong or the power being glitchy.

So it's not like that really nice one in Amsterdam from season three, Ted Lasso? No. I don't know what that one's like, but they are nice ones, I'm sure. But also, there's certain rules, like you have to sail it 20 miles every sail. You have to move it 20 miles every three months, so you can avoid paying council tax or whatever, or permanent. It's not permanent residence, do you know what I mean? But on the Bristol Bath Canal path, there's so many locks. There's this set of, I think it's like 30 or 40

locks that you have to go down um which takes hours to like navigate your way through and i guess it it really i have you it has to be like a passion it has to be like something you want to do right like like um you have to be a boat person you have to love boats to because to me i was like i couldn't do this i couldn't do this like live on a boat you know i wouldn't live on one but we spent a week on one um when i was with at school we did a trip the school trip was like the canal boat trip we went all through the midlands we went all the way through the canals in birmingham and all the rest of it we had little fleet of them did you or no just one just one big boat just one yeah oh wow and we were all on there

it was like a floating dormitory basically um and we had two teachers with us and they they slept at the back they drank a lot like they basically started drinking at midday and there's just like it was like that scene in a gear a wrath of god where there's monkeys all over their raft that's for anyone who knows uh knows Werner Herzog films, it was like that. And the teachers were Werner Herzog and maybe one of the crewmen. We were the monkeys. So that was what it was like. And this would have been the early 90s. So we got to, there is this one point where it is literally, it's a big fucking hill, and the only way up is the locks. And it is a huge string of locks.

It's like 25, 30 locks, something like that. And you go in one, the water level goes up. You go out to the next bit, get in the next lock, and you have this lock key. It's like a big Allen key. You have to crank this thing to let the water in and out through these sluice gates and everything. And it took all day.

That was our day, was going through all these locks. Because it takes time for the water to leave or fill the lock. It's a pain in the ass. But we did it. And once we did that, it is genuinely, if I was an adult now doing it, we've spoken about doing it, me and Mrs. F and the kids. It's very peaceful on the canals. It is nice. It is really awesome. Listen, if you're listening to this and you have Canal Envy and you live in North America, can I draw your attention to a little city called Ottawa? It's in Ontario in Canada. You can go to it. And there is a canal there. It's not as big

as some of the ones that we're talking about now. It's only 202 kilometers long and it links the Ottawa River and the St. Lawrence River together and has 46 locks all along the way. It's just for pleasure boating. It used to be for commercial, but now it's just pleasure. I mean, a lot of this stuff in the UK, a lot of these canal places are, some of them are pretty shit, but some of them are really still lovely places to walk around i mean and also so much history right like you know bath is this city that was you know established by the fucking romans and it's got all this you know romanesque architecture you know clearly people lived there for you know 2 000 years you know we've and it's always been a sort

of upmarket area and so you've got like these Artheon buildings and then you've got the canals alongside them, but you've also got the railway alongside that. And you've got aqueducts going over them both in the river as well. And so you've got this kind of, it's lovely. And also there's always a tow path right along the side of the canal, which is always a nice place to walk.

And so I guess that's something which if you like, weirdly, this was a dichotomy I didn't quite get, but weirdly, if you like walking, you will quite like canal boating because you can go down the river 10 miles and then there's another really nice walk. And then you get 10 miles down the river, there's another really nice place to walk around. There's a point in Bath when you're entering Bath, like from the, I think it's like the south, maybe like the southeast or southwest, where you kind of have to, you go up a hill and you get to the top of the hill and you're heading into Bath.

But it looks like the entire city is in a crater and you can just see all of these houses lining like the outside. It looks like the entire city is in a crater, and you can just see all of these houses lining the outside. It looks incredible. It's beautiful, yeah. There's certain points in Bath that are just like, wow. You would just think... It looks amazing. It is wild.

Yeah. There's a little village called Bathampton, which is on the canal, which is very photogenic, and looks fantastic. Yeah, it's got all those old little cobblestone bridges and stuff, right? It's beautiful. Yes. I feel like as well, the sort of canal end of most towns, other than the ones that go through the big industrialized cities like Birmingham and stuff like that, it feels like

it's a step back in time. Because the stuff around the canal, like you said, like the bridges and the locks, it feels very old-worldy. Yeah. So it feels kind of like you're going back in time, the locks, it feels very old-worldy. Yeah. So it feels kind of like you're going back in time, and it really hasn't changed a huge amount from the days when the canal was like the highways of the country. No, it hasn't. That's it.

It's really just railways that replaced them. Yeah. A lot of those railways run along the same cut that the canal cut through the land, and they even use the same fucking aqueducts and bridges sometimes as well, which is interesting. It's all sort of smooshed together. So this is called Polar Bear versus Hippo. Okay.

Right. We may have said something silly on a previous episode. Let it be known that your last mailbag episode was very entertaining. However, I took issue with your assessment that a polar bear could beat a hippo. Oh my God. First, let us consider the mass of these two animals. This is from Dave. An adult polar bear weighs around a thousand pounds.

An adult hippo weighs around three thousand five hundred pounds. Yeah, this is like saying a hundred pound man with a knife would be a three hundred and fifty pound man with extremely large hydraulic jaws. He then says Sips justified this claim by listing that polar bears hunt walruses. I think I might have said that, but either way, I'm happy to be wrong. If it's wrong, I'm happy for Flex to own that one. I will own that one, yes. So adult walruses reach about 2,000 pounds and are considerably slower and less aggressive than hippos. And generally, polar bears won't go after the adult. Walruses go after the babies unless they're desperate, in which case they'll normally

lose. So polar bears are not even very good at killing the things they evolved to hunt, according to Dave. I suppose we see more of the terror of polar bears because they're bears. A hippo lives in water, you don't really see a huge amount of it. I've seen videos of them chasing boats and things, they're obviously very scary animals. I just thought a bear has claws, teeth, is a predator. What do hippos eat?

Do they just eat leaves and shit? Well, hippos have like four big square teeth, like I don't know what they're gonna be doing to you, I get it, but- I think their jaws are just very strong. Yeah, okay, fine. Hippos are the most dangerous fucking things, but also polar bears are very dangerous. I was talking to Tom last night night because there's that stupid phrase,

if it's black, fight back. If it's brown, lie down. If it's a polar bear, say your prayers. If it's white, good night. Or if it's something like that. And that's kind of not only terrible advice, because first of all, some grizzly bears are black and some black bears are brown.

So you don't necessarily even know you don't know if you're which one it is right but you basically it should always be if it's a bear get out of there do you mean like this what is this the line of advice because this this style of advice exists for other things too because i i know like when i was younger rhyming advice color rhyming advice because i used to go to a cottage and the cottage didn't have like a mains so it's all septic tank right so and that was prone to backing up all the time and so the rhyme was if it's if it's yellow let it mellow if's brown, flush it down because you didn't want to like use the- you didn't want to like flush the toilet too much unnecessarily because of the septic tank and stuff, I guess. But like, I don't understand why we have to do a colour rhyme for every piece of advice. Like, it's like, I know, jeez.

They're terrible. And on that, by the way, I was talking to someone else at the pub, who I won't name just for the sake of keeping it private, but they were on holiday with someone they'd been going out with for a couple of weeks. And they were, I think, on a boat, actually. And the advice was just to not flush until, for some reason, not flush. You don't have to. reason anyway he went in after her and he like opened the loo and he just it was one of her her a massive poo that she'd done right and he was like this was like a turning point in his relationship when he was like i've seen this giant shit of my

girlfriend this is the one I'm gonna marry! What about, okay, fine, but what about, what if it wasn't a poo you went in there, and she left inside the toilet like a really stinky dehydrated piss? Yeah, that's what it was. That would be just as bad. Those stink.

Have you ever taken one? They fucking reek, man. Jeez. So I am just reading, by the way, man. Yeah, it's fucking gross. Jeez. Ugh. So I am just reading, by the way, that hippos are predated upon by certain animals. Yes, young hippos are generally what they go for, but there are cases where hippos have been attacked, generally speaking, by groups of lions or crocodiles. They don't take them on one-on-one. But it is possible that there is some predation of hippos.

I just want to put that out there. Is the lion still the king of the jungle? Like, if you combined every biome, is lion still the king? I don't think the lion has ever been to the jungle is the issue, because lions live on plains and savannah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, and they're top of the pile there. But if you mixed in some other stuff, they wouldn't maybe be top of the pile anymore, right? I think the shark is probably the ultimate apex predator.

I would be- On land, though, I don't think. On land? It's human beings. That's not fair, because if you threw a lion in the ocean, then yeah, a shark would win. But if you threw a shark on land, then the lion would win. You know what I mean? I don't even think the lion is as good as a tiger, actually.

I think tigers are like, stronger and faster. They're bigger. I think a bear would beat a lion one on one. Oh, I don't know. But we talk about, generally, they fight as a pride. But I mean, I've seen videos of Pride of Lions taking down an elephant. Like, they will go after stuff as a group. But I think if we're saying one-on-one, bears hunt alone, and are fucking huge and ferocious,

I think a bear would be a lion. Are we falling into the same trap, though? Because last time we hedged all our bets on a bear. Which color is this bear? A big bear. I mean, not a little bear. A brown bear. If it's brown, lions lay down.

If it's white, fly a kite. I reckon a big bear. Bear is scarier. They're much stronger. Now, what about a silverback gorilla versus a lion? Who's winning that fight? I think probably a lion. You reckon?

Yeah, because I think as strong as a silverback gorilla would be, lions got the claws and the teeth and stuff too, right? I know, but it's gotta get in there. And they probably could move faster? I think they might be quicker, but a silverback gorilla, those things are so fucking strong. They are. They are so strong.

This is the only one way to settle this. This is the only way to settle this. Jingle Jam, 2024, we get Bristol Zoo, we convince them- I'll put my ape suit on, Lewis can put his fur suit on, and we will prove to the world who is stronger. Well, I was just thinking, we'll make out like we're gonna just do some filming with the animals, but we'll secretly pit them against one another and settle this once and for all.

This is something for AI to solve, Jeremy. Yeah. Like CGI. This is all- in a couple of years' time, you're going to be just typing that in, and a video will come up, AI-generated, of a lion fighting a gorilla. But it's guessing. It's got nothing to go based on. We'd have to do, like, a Tabs or something like that. Tabs.

Yeah, the future, though. Maybe Tabs should model in some animals to finally put some of these questions to bed. Just you wait. AI's going crazy, honestly. The musical stuff that AI's doing now is so crazy. You're just gonna be able to type in stuff and it'll come up with... It's nuts. It's terrifying.

Do you think AI could go back over Nickelback's back catalogue and make it good? No. Yeah, I genuinely reckon that's one of the first things i don't think it's possible you could type in like you could type in like you know like nickelback and then a genre that you want and it'll remake it in that genre like make it so fucking nuts anyway go on pflex what are you saying uh i was gonna say i've had a lot of emails about australia oh god this this week god so okay this is this is because you said that you would never go to australia because the spiders would eat me and a kangaroo would jump

out of the hedge and punch me in the face yeah and then i'd get i get dragged into the sea by a jellyfish and then chopped chopped up by a shark and uh then once that had finished with me, a load of fucking birds would eat the chum, and then the piranhas... There was a whole list of things that you were terrified of. Yeah. And then the Australians would drag me into a cabin and chop me up. Exactly. So my point was, I didn't want to go there because I'm afraid of the wildlife and the giant spiders and cassowaries and all the rest of it. Yeah, cassowaries especially.

So they're fucking wild. I kind of thought you were half-joking, but also not. No, I really don't want to go. I don't want to go. It's far. We also looked at how far it was. And we worked out how expensive it would be to go. Even with you saying that, I still think that you are half-joking.

So I don't really give a shit. It's just somewhere I'm never gonna go. If there was a photo major there, you'd go. If I was paid to go there, and they were like, we're having TI in Adelaide this year, or Sydney or whatever, of course I'd fucking go. They would have it in Canberra, I think. Maybe. I think they would probably have it in Sydney.

If we were doing the Triforce tour- But they're never gonna do it. They would never do it. It's too far. Would you tour Triforce around Australia? No. Would you do Triforce around Australia? No. Would you do like- No.

No. There's easier places to go. Yeah. Right, right. The canals. We could go on a canal boat. I would divvy down for some canals. For sure.

We could tour the canals. Get Mrs. Flax in. Let me summarize the emails I've had. They've been one of three categories. Number one, people just insulting me. Not going to read those out. Number two, people coming in and saying, actually, you have a point because I live in Australia or I am Australian.

And, you know, these are the problems with living there. They're a fucking crocodile. It bit my fucking arm off. Or people misunderstanding what I'm saying. All right. And I had one guy come out and say that Australians are extremely. Let me see if I can find this one. So, for example, love your content.

But the only one looking like a fool here is you. The dangers of Australia are all trumped up. I've lived in Australia half my life and have also lived on three other continents. You do not have to be careful all the time. There are rarely things under the toilet lid and only in the dodgiest toilets with webs hanging around. There's literally nothing to be worried about, even when going on a bushwalk. Sure, you might encounter some wildlife, but that's all it is. It doesn't want to fuck with you if you don't want to fuck with it. This is exactly what I'm talking about. You rarely encounter things under the toilet. You may encounter

wildlife. I'm not saying I want to be going to this country and I won't go there because there's 100% going to be spiders at the airport. Okay, let's put this to the test. Would you go to do a portage in the outback of Canada? Yeah, you would. So there are bears in Canada, which I am quite nervous about.

See, this is what I'm saying. This is what I'm saying. Okay, keep going. I'm not a big outdoors person. I don't go camping. I don't enjoy it. Okay, how about this? How about this?

Would you go to Sao Paulo in Brazil? Probably not. Mrs. F went there, and she said she went there for work. And there were some really nice restaurants and food, but it's a very poor country with a lot of problems. Lots of spiders. They just got relegated as well from the Premier League, I think. But it's like jungle kind of feeling.

I'm sure there's going to be huge centipedes. There's hippos in the Amazon rainforest as well, right? Hippos, all of that. So probably not. And again, most of the people messaging me live in a fucking city. I live in a city. I'm not going to go to Australia just to go to Sydney. Would you go to Mexico City you go to Mexico city never

no you can cut off there Mexico is a no so people who are writing have to understand that P-Flex is a very cautious man and he doesn't want to go to these places he's not a world traveler

he doesn't want he doesn't want to would you go to Peru or like Bolivia or Ecuador or Colombia there was a DOTA event in Peru I couldn't attend

I would have gone apparently the food in Peru is excellent. And although there were some troubles at the time, like rioting and stuff like that, apparently the Peru was great. And there are a lot of very passionate Dota fans in Peru. And it was for a week. Again, that would have been in a city.

So most places I'll go, I would rather go to a city than go into the countryside too much. He wants to stay at a hotel. He might take a day trip somewhere. I like comfort. I don't like being out in the middle of nowhere. Would you go to Moscow? No, never in a million years. Never go into Russia.

Would you go to North Korea? Fuck no. What about Africa? What about any African country? Are there any African countries you would go to? Would you go to South Africa? I have sworn off the entire continent of Africa. I'm not going.

See, this is what we're dealing with. Okay, everyone. PFLAX is a very cautious man. It's not Australia. You're not the problem, really. It's PFLAX being very overly cautious. I'm a very cautious man. Rightly so.

You know, you've got a lot to lose. You've got your family. You've got a provider. You've got, you know, your family you got provider you got um you know your fragile constitution you got you got lack of hair to protect you from the elements you know you're a you're a brit um we you know you're a video gamer you're not the fittest man i've ever seen okay i got a i got a couple for you would you ever visit uh toulouse france yes absolutely would you ever go to corsica uh yeah absolutely would you ever go to ibiza i've been to ibiza would you ever go to disneyland would you ever would you ever go to

sainsbury's yeah would you ever go to the pub i mean you're not suggesting places that have any threat would you ever go to um would you ever consider cutting down on your carbs before Marbs? Yeah, that's probably a bigger threat to you, isn't it? Well, you are quite healthy, actually, P-Flex. I guess. I think it's funny having been to Australia and seeing what it's like. And, you know, I saw more fucking weird bugs and spiders on the boat at the weekend than i did the whole time i was in fucking australia yeah i mean

i don't think australia is actually a dangerous place to go it's it's it's like it's like very western like it'd be fun like like all the places i just listed of the places that you said you'd go to or you'd been to it's like it's like that it's that those kind of standards right it's not like i like it's not like europe and european travel i've been to parts of asia i've been to china i've been to singapore i've been to bali and they were very pretty very beautiful um in bali singapore was very beautiful china was not it was horrendous but i was in it i was in shanghai it was just a big city didn't get to see the countryside at all. I've traveled quite a bit, but there are a lot of countries on my list of, I will not

go there. Generally, I'm a European traveler. I want to go to places in Europe. I honestly get this vibe too. I think some people say to me, oh, do you want to backpack around, fucking go and see Machu Picchu? I'm like, not fucking really. No.

John Peel died on Machu Picchu. Right. Not fucking really. No. John Peel died on Machu Picchu. Maybe when I was 19 or... I don't want to die like John Peel, thank you very much. What do you mean John Peel died on Machu Picchu? He had a heart attack climbing up to see the temples of Machu Picchu. Really? Yes, the greatest DJ in history, John Peel.

Wasn't he a bit of a weirdo and a pest though, as well, it came out? I don't know about that. I haven't heard about that. Oh, allegations of sexual misconduct. All right, well, yeah. That was a bit dodgy. I didn't know about that. I haven't heard about that. Oh, allegations of sexual misconduct. All right, well, yeah. That was a bit dodgy. I didn't know about that.

Anyway. But either way, he was a great DJ. John Peel died fucking climbing Machu Picchu. Didn't know that. Well, that's not put me off it, but he was 65. Christ. 65? I'm 47.

He must have thought he was in pretty good nick to attempt the climb in the first place. What, a lifetime of fucking smoking and like doing drugs probably, I don't know. No, but I mean like, you gotta have a measure of like, yeah, I feel like I could do that physically, I'd probably be all right doing it. And then to just drop dead of a heart attack while you're doing it, it's like a- I guess it's just a really unfortunate miscalculation, I don't know, like, I feel like you'd know if you could do it or not, right? Like, had he had heart attacks in the past? I don't know.

Or any heart problems? He had diabetes. I think he'd had some health problems, maybe. I don't imagine- He never looked like the fucking fittest guy in the world. No. John Peel. Yeah, it's weird.

Anyway. It's an odd thing to do if you're not, like- Like, I know, like, I'm not super physically active, but I have no desire to climb up, like, a million stairs either. Right. I'm just not an outdoorsman, you know? I mean, I'm just not. I don't like camping, I don't take hikes, really.

Yeah. You know, we will go for walks in the English countryside and stuff. Yeah. When I was in Edinburgh, we went up the mountain. I think the games industry needs more walking simulators because i would go everywhere all these places i don't want to go i would play a simulator where i walk around i'm a terrible traveler right i get a car and if i'm not driving or i'm not in the front seat or even if i'm in the front seat i'm i'm getting car sick after an hour do you mean on a plane i get on a plane and like when we take off,

the pressure gives me a fucking migraine immediately, and I've got this fucking headache for the whole thing, and then my ears don't pop for days after I come down. I'm a fucking garbage traveler. I hate being in airports. I hate traveling. I hate going around the world. It sucks.

And then when you go, when you want to try and do any of these interesting adventure holidays, you're out there. There's no fucking flushing toilets. You know, there's no like, I'm like, you know i'm like i don't know like i'm just not i don't have a good constitution right i'm not like i'm not and i've never been good either it's not like in when i was 19 i was somehow better at going and i had a better chance to go to cuzco or go fucking go and peru i in fact i'm probably better now

to go i'm a lot healthier now than i was when i was yeah and then you're and then you're you're midway walking through and you fucking have a heart attack because you're because you're older so well fucking that if i die i think it's a good way to go fucking climbing up fucking cuzco in peru like god at least then you got sacrificed to like the mayans or whatever and you wake up in fucking Aztec heaven. God! Oh my god, man. That's fucking good!

All the chocolate you can eat and all the people you can slaughter. Yeah, fucking... You wake up and you're into some sort of fucking weird Indiana Jones hell, like, for the rest of eternity, no thanks. Welcome, Mr. Brindley! That kind of thing. Reaches into your chest and pulls your beating heart out and stuff.

No, fuck yes. Mora Ram, Mora Ram, Mora Ram. Sign me up. Yeah, I'd like that. No, no titi caca for me. Sorry, I'm not going. So just to be clear, I've got nothing against those countries.

Please don't email in telling me I love my country. I'm not having a pop at your country. I'm just saying, and this is what I was trying to, I said this on stream the other night. I just don't want in telling me I love my country. I'm not having a pop at your country. I'm just saying, and this is what I was trying to, I said this on stream the other night. I just don't want to go there. That really isn't a big deal.

I'm one man out of 8 billion who is not going to visit your country. Why does it matter to you? If you said, I don't want to go to England, it rains all the time and it's gray. And apparently the food is terrible. I would, I might say, well, actually the food is pretty good, but you're right.

And equally fair enough. Like there are plenty of other countries. It's a big well, actually, the food is pretty good. But you're right. And equally, fair enough. There are plenty of other countries. It's a big planet. Go to one of those other places. I'm not in Australia moaning about Australia. Then it would be fair enough. If you were like, why don't you just fuck off? I get it.

I just don't want to go. I don't see why that's a big deal. Yeah, he's pre-moaning. It's not for me. He doesn't want to even be there. I don't even want to be there. You don't want me there. You don't want him there. You don't want him there.

In the conversation. He would just complain the whole time. He'd be like, hey, let's go do this. And he'd be like, no, spiders. The final email on this that I will read- There might be ducks there. The final email. This I liked.

The title is, as an Aboriginal man, I'd quite like it if every Brit in history had made the same decision as you to never come here." Bam. End of conversation. Great message. I'm sure a lot of countries feel like that, honestly. There's very few that were left untouched by the British Empire at its height.

So I feel like there's a lot of people out there that probably feel the exact same way. Exactly. Exactly, exactly. That's our mailbag. And that's out there that probably feel the exact same way. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. That's our mailbag. And that's probably our last podcast of the year, actually. By the time this goes out, that's it, baby. See you guys next year. Have a good Christmas and New Year's and stuff.

Well, we might be. It depends, I guess. Between Christmas and New Year's, we might be able to do it. Oh, I'm down. Yeah, I'm down to record. I think we're all around. But it won't go out. It won't go out until 2020. Oh, yeah.

Is everybody just off now for like weeks on end? Yeah. Well, I think by the time this goes out, Christmas will be done at least. Either way, I think we are going to miss a couple of episodes over the new year just because we haven't got a backlog or any mailbag spare. We've had busy. We had a jingle jam. And I'm going away over new year as well.

Yeah, Lewis is going away. Yeah. Well, look, I hope your 2023 was a solid one, if not spectacular. Oh, man, 2023 was so bad, I cannot wait for it to be done. Yeah. It was a good one. We say that every year, and then we pray for 2023 when we see what 2024 looks like. Yeah, true.

That's the way it goes. That's the vibe at the moment. It's a downhill slide. But we're in that bit of history. It's all divided into quartiles. We're in the bad bit. Soon, the new dawn will come and we will all be a part of it that's how I see it

hmm and on that bombshell hopefully not a literal bombshell but on that bombshell we shall conclude this episode thanks so much for listening and have a good holiday period and we'll see you in the new year god bless goodbye