Triforce! - Triforce Mailbag Special #9: No Mail

Episode Date: December 21, 2022

Triforce Mailbag Special 9! We're putting Flax's mailbag to the side with hairloss tips, rhymes with Buble and more. It's not really a mailbag episode, to be honest... Go to http://expressvpn.com/triforce today and get an extra 3 months free on a 1-year package! Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Introducing the first ever Mazda CX-70. Our largest two-row SUV. Available as a mild hybrid inline six turbo or as a plug-in hybrid. Crafted to move every part of you. Hello everyone and welcome to a very special mailbag episode. Man, I can't wait to check inside my bag. Have a look. Open that sack.

I'm peeling it open right now. And what do I see? A letter. Just for me. Who said the other day that people only come to my door if they have something to give me. Like a present, like a letter or package or no one should be coming to my door unless they have unless they're dropping off something for me maybe a child i don't know like whatever is what about people who turn up at your door and drop off the uh the gift of uh knowledge of our lord do you like that i haven't had any of those in a long time no i mean either they always try and debate me i'm always like i'm sorry i'm an atheist i think i think covid uh i think covid

like killed him off yeah well it didn't kill him off but i think it just like uh put like a spanner in the works for them you know yeah i think too many of them got bitten by dogs or i think they maybe just looked at it and were like look this, this is not giving us the return anymore. Yeah. They just looked at the numbers and were like, it's just better just to go to Africa or somewhere. I think you're giving it far too much thought. I think there's just not enough people that want to do it. I honestly expect that's the thing.

Well, they're forced to, though, aren't they, though? What, by their God? You shall go to the doors of the people that are at home during the day and bother them. But Lord, why? Why must we go to the doors? Because you've got to do it. I command thee. Don't question me, I'm God.

It is written in the people. Look, I just writ it. I've just writ it. Therefore, it is written. Thou shalt cold call to the doors. Knocketh thee on the dwelling of the unbeliever. It says right here in the scriptures. Oh, man.

All right, do you guys want some emails? Yeah, I would love one. Hit me up. This is from Luke. In my mind, though, I thought you were actually opening in real letters. So when you said emails, it kind of pulled me out. Oh, I'm sorry. Here, hold on.

Let me just rustle the mail back. Here we go. Can you print them out next time? Fuck off. I'm always doing the paper and the ink. I refuse. So do you remember that lad whose car broke down? No.

Vaguely? This was sent in October. So we did speak about this on a previous podcast. Oh, yeah. His car broke down, right? And I said that maybe the engine was flooded. It wouldn't turn over so it was replacement starter motor oh yeah dad advice points to period apparently

i said by the way i've i had a i'd um i owe my my cleaner an apology because for a long time i've been living in this flat like three four years now right and for a long time the washing machine's been a bit fucky okay right i got the plumber around finally yesterday time i've been living in this flat like three four years now right and for a long time the washing machine's been a bit fucky okay right i got the plumber around finally yesterday to have a look at it and turns out ever since i've lived there the hot water has been plumbed into the cold water oh mate that's a bloody nightmare whoever put this in the classic put this in? The classic. So, I owe my cleaner apology because she's shrunk, like, a bunch of my clothes. Oh, I didn't even say she had shrunk a bunch. I put it on a cold wash and I'm like, okay.

So, it was on, like, a massive, like, a hot wash. So, wait, you got a cleaner that comes in and does your laundry as well? She does one. She puts a load on when I'm, when she's, when she's, because, yeah, she puts one load on. So, I leave it, like, half full. How often do you get a cleaner once a week once a week for an hour for an hour right so she just does whatever like yeah hoover or whatever's needed she's great lover i love her a bit so sorry but it's fine it's it

should be fine now hopefully i don't know whether it's fucked the washing machine though from years of hot water going through the wrong bits you know well i assume that it i mean these machines like your dishwashers your washing machines they they have like temperature monitors in there so the water goes in certainly for my dishwasher the water goes in and then if i think it it's cold if you open it early on and it gradually heats up so i assume when it gets to a certain temperature it says all right that's hot enough so you'd hope that it just stops and goes oh that's it's hot already and so you know it just doesn't i think that is what's happening yeah but i also think what's happening is it was like because the hot water pressure is not as high so it wasn't like getting

enough but also it was like um it was it was like stopping cycles early because i don't know why like maybe it couldn't maybe it was like it wouldn't do a rinse cycle or whatever right it couldn't i don't know it was like oh this i've got to wait for this to cool down and it's like never calling down yeah that could be anyway um i'm excited i've started to have like nice fresh clothes again i'm like oh finally so i've gone through and like washed everything in my in my flat i've got a um i got basically the uh like a hole in the in in the ground in my front yard the size of a swimming pool because we're having uh an extension put in on the ground floor of our house they've had to dig like a big big ass hole but the the weather's been terrible recently there's been a

lot of rain and uh the hole just keeps filling up with water like the guys will be working it'll start raining you won't see them for the rest of the day they come back the next day there's just like fucking two feet of water in there like it's it's pretty bad so it's made me realize that i would absolutely hate being a uh outdoor labor construction worker yeah it would fucking suck big time it does sound like it would suck just hard some but there are a lot of people that want to work outdoors all the time yeah sure but they feel that working indoors oh god i'd like to be cooped up in an office all day but i don't see it as being cooped up i see it as being inside it's more comfortable for sure like i think working outside in the summer is probably

great but like in the winter no i don't want indeed no yeah it's a no in the rain and the snow and cold wind and everything which countries do you think are the most densely populated in the world uh the united kingdom i'd say uh well, parts of China, right? Isn't Hong Kong have the highest population density? United Kingdom is 52. Wow. What about Brunei? Brunei? I think Brunei is quite big. 137. I think Jersey's got quite a high population density. Jersey is 13th on the list.

Oh, so let's think Japan. a high population density. Jersey is 13th on the list. There you go. Oh, so let's think. Japan. Japan's all the way down as well. There's got to be parts of India and China that top the list. Yeah, but India's fucking huge. It's fucking huge, man.

But have you seen some of the conditions that people live in in some of the big cities and stuff? They're just piled on top of each other.'re just country that is the most densely populated not country that has the most dense population spots yeah japan's higher than india but so you're you're talking about the country as a whole trying to find very small places yeah yeah that have a high population belgium there's a couple you know no the couple you know that are obvious. Guernsey. Yeah, Guernsey, that's higher than Jersey.

There you go. Great. I won't say Sark because I think there's like 10 people that live there. It's like, it's small, but like, it's not, it's not densely populated, you know? I think the population is dense, but I don't think it's pop- it has a high- No, it's not. What about somewhere like, what about like Haiti? Haiti? Okay. You're going abroad here. Haiti is again, decently pop 32nd.

Okay. Right. It's, it's, it's better than Belgium, but less than India. The Isle of Man. Isle of Man. No, that's not, that's not all that densely populated. It's 86th. Less populated than Jersey

and Guernsey. It's actually some of these little city states. Gibraltar. Singapore. Gibraltar is 5th. Singapore is 3rd. You're getting it now. It's these small ass little places. I thought Brunei was one of those city state things.

The Vatican. I think you're thinking of Bahrain. Oh, the Vatican is very lightly populated. Hardly anybody lives there. It's gotta be, right? There's only like the Pope and like Mrs. Doyle. Vatican is the same population density as Jersey. No way! Holy shit. Yeah, so interesting. The most densely populated places are Macau and Monaco. Right. Of course, of course. They're actually very, very small places. Monaco is only like two kilometers squared.

Yeah. And Macau's really small, but it's got a lot of people in it. And Hong Kong, Singapore, yeah, densely populated. But because Jersey was so high up the list, I was like, you know, I feel like I've walked around Jersey and there's a lot of farmland. Yeah, but when you're in town, it's like, especially during like like uh you know busy periods like lunchtime and stuff like that it is very very very busy well yeah but you go anywhere at lunchtime it's busy it's fucking no but i mean you can't even walk in jersey like at lunchtime it's so busy we're not saying the population density where the football game's on no i think that messes it up no hey speaking of football

not not quite a football game but um me me and my wife we don't do much you know like we got too many kids and like there's not a lot of time to do stuff or whatever but sometimes when something rolls around and you get excited about you just got to go for it right so this summer on the on july the um 8th i think it is or something we're going to see blur liveur live at Wembley Stadium, baby. I've never even been before. For 140 quid each. 140 quid a ticket. Well, man, I mean, you know, it's like they're not even really an active band anymore.

So it's like it's the nostalgia. That's why I wouldn't pay 140 quid for them. They're going to be dog shit. No, what are you talking about? Did you buy tickets through Ticketmaster or some scam site? quid for them they're gonna be dog shit no they might be scalped though for the old um did you buy tickets through ticket master or some scam site no i think we just bought them through a scam site sorry did you say ticket master or a scam site interesting ticket master isn't ticket master just a whole scammy scalping thing where they but i i watched a whole thing where basically

you can basically ticket master work with resellers to like just sell the tickets on their own site for up prices. They don't give a shit. It's an awful place. Yeah. But it's one of those, you know, you got to if you want to do something. And I mean, that's how much it costs. I mean, I can't get around it. You have to navigate the world somehow.

Yeah, exactly. Man, that's going to be out of your comfort zone sips going to wembley stadium well i've never been to wembley stadium so i'm excited for that as well like it looks looks pretty cool but yeah to see a show as well i think it's gonna be great i'm like really looking forward to it and we get like a night away from home and uh we we've already got like my mother-in-law drafted in to look after all of our kids while we're away and stuff. It's going to be great. Holy shit. It's not a million miles away from you, is it? Wembley Stadium? No, no. It's like 30 minutes from Heathrow. It's like not that far.

It's easy to get to. Do you ever hear like football from your locals,ickenham rugby yeah do you hear it like yes twickenham um if the wind is in the right direction it does make a difference you you do hear the big england games um like sometimes we'll be watching them on the tv if it's a big game if it's like you know the what is it the six nations or whatever we'll watch it chuck it on and you can hear the cheer before you see it on tv because there's that slight delay which is great yeah um so you know when we've scored a try because you can hear it um but the quins harlequins that is the ground is closer to me than the stadium because i live on the sort of west side of twickenham west side

west side and uh that's a reasonably well attended sort of west side of Twickenham. West side! West side of and that's a reasonably well attended sort of premier league rugby ground. And yeah, you can hear that really, really well. Nice. But the other, the thing that you can hear even better is whenever they have a big concert on you can hear that. Like from Twickenham you can hear, I think, I can't remember, it was a big metal band. It might've been Metallica or something like that. You could hear that all across Twickenham, you can hear, I think, I can't remember, it was a big metal band. It might have been Metallica or something like that. You could hear that all across Twickenham, which was very cool. But a few years ago, this would have been about four years ago, Elton John did a big tour and he played at the Quinn's Ground. And we could hear every song.

I sat in my garden and listened to the whole concert. It was pretty cool. Holy crap. But I do wish, I wish I'd gone. I could have gone. It's so close. I could have gone. He's done now, right?

This is his last. He is, but he can't really sing anymore, bless him. And he's pretty fucked up. No, but like this is his last tour that he's on right now. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is, yeah. So like you're running out of time to see him if you wanted to see him. Well, I mean, you know, I feel that.

Well, he's not very good now. I should have seen him when he was. I should have seen that previous tour. When he could sing. Yeah, he sounded great. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Yeah, now he's got a much deeper voice now. A little way. And he sort of does this record there. Yeah, even more than he ever used to. Like, yeah, this thing is just because he's got the lung capacity to blast a very similar situation close by to my house. We have a outdoor bowling club. Close by man may like lawn bowls yeah lawn bowls fuck me they're so uh loud sometimes like they just yeah i don't know what the hell they're doing over there but like and if there's like uh you know any excuse to light off a couple of fireworks as well right like they they get down there they got their pimps out and they're lighting up

fireworks and stuff. I mean, I've got kids that are trying to sleep, you know? Like, I wish they'd keep it down. They're really rowdy. You guys got to be careful. People just look around at a house with a big hole in it, outside it, near a bowling club in Jersey. Wow, it's a small place. I mean, you'll probably find a dozen houses that fit that description, you know?

Oh, I suppose. You ask around. Yeah, yeah. Everyone knows you. Everyone knows? Oh, I suppose. You ask around. Yeah, yeah. They all know you. Everyone knows each other. I know. Do you guys want some emails on this mailbag episode? I mean, what happened to you?

Yeah, it's been 15 minutes. We haven't even had a single email yet. No, we had one. Oh, yeah. We had one. Wait, what was the content of the email, though? It was just a guy saying... It was literally one line.

Oh, saying that you got it right about his car. It was the start of my... Yeah, I just thought it would be a nice little update for people who... It is a nice little update. literally one line saying that you got it right about his car it was the start of my yeah i just thought it would be a nice little update for people who are your car detective work was spot on that is a sweet update um so this is from harvey hi guys love the podcast etc just to let you know i'll be attending the grand opening of liverpooloters next Monday to watch all the World Cup matches man I can't wait to see some titties

all the best Harvey good luck to you Harvey yeah good luck and make sure that you send a follow up one liner email with an update on how it went

tell us how the titties were I want a description no pictures please that would be a bit Lewis is going to go to Hooters for the first time in his life

on his 40th birthday so he's excited for that we might go actually might even go to Liverpool hey get some tinnies we might do a live podcast from there yeah yeah hey we're on location inside the uh newly opened Hooters in Liverpool um yeah let's let's let's cut to Lewis Lewis just got like a face full of tits like it can't even muffle oh man all right this one has to be a lie no way this one this has to be a lie sure um i work for one of the largest producers of minoxidil in the world, a hair growth drug. Now, this has to be a lie because the one in The Simpsons was called demoxanil. So unless they have actually made a drug and called it minoxidil as kind of a reference to demoxanil. So one makes your hair grow and one makes your hair fall out?

No, but The Simpsons episode, one of my favorite episodes where Homer gets the demoxanil, makes his hair grow back and gets a fancier job at the power plant. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. That's called demoxynil. Right. So this email from Dawson Lewis, he says he works for the producers of minoxidil. So either demoxynil is a play on minoxidil or minoxidil.

So it is. Yeah, they couldn't use the real name. A lot of the drugs we have these days have been around for a very long time. I've Googled it. It's Rogaine. It's developed in the late 1950s. Rogaine has some crazy stuff in it, though, that can make your heart rate go up and stuff, right?

If you've got a weak ticker, apparently, you shouldn't use it or something. There's some stuff in it. Well, this is because a lot of these drugs are developed for common things, like usually heart stuff or in high blood pressure, things like this. Right, and then it's like a side effect.

That's what minoxidil was originally used for. It was originally used to treat high blood pressure right and so what what happened and that happened with viagra and it happens to all these things like a lot of these things are just they fuck with your brain chemistry because they're biological chemicals like i i know what it is obviously but i don't know like much about how it works like if you take a Viagra pill, do you just have a boner for hours and it will not go away? No, I don't believe that's the case. As I understand it, it increases the blood flow to that particular part of your body, which shall remain nameless, because this is not a smutty podcast, obviously.

It's your dangus, right? But I think it doesn't just give you a boner right i think it just encourages it so if you're if you're having trouble right then it can assist you but essentially if you if you can't get a boner at all then it's not going to help that's my understanding of it anyway i thought that even if you couldn't get one this would just give you a boner but like you're stuck with it for hours sort of no i don't think that's that's that would be called priapism which is an uncontrollable owner is is a the medical condition is priapism i read an article about a guy who injected some fucking people are nuts

injected cocaine into his dick that doesn't sound too nuts to me no it really doesn't and it this man sounds like a pioneer that didn't sound too smart to me that's what they said about people who discovered the new world back in the day and now look at us he's nuts he's a genius so he did it so he could fuck longer

and apparently I don't know I'm sure it feels like you've got a dick full of cocaine or whatever but it gave him priapism and basically if you have it for too long it could cause very very serious condition yeah you could even lose your lose your dangus if he got man oh my god he got he got gangrene in it shit on examining him brace yourself everyone okay the doctor said his penis was swollen as expected uh however it was also black uh ulcerated and oozing a foul smelling discharge oh my fucking god yikes that sounds great do not inject cocaine into your dicks everybody it's not the play please stop oh my gosh uh his clinical condition slowly improved so he refused any surgery

i feel like you uh you are just in in hell if you get to the point in your life where your penis is ulcerated and uh emitting a foul smelling dischargeelling discharge. Yeah, discharge. I think that's about as bad as... I would want to be dead at that point. I would just say, forget surgery, fucking shoot me right now, like, in the face. Well, the problem is, this is like one of those decadent rich people problems, do you know what I mean? It's like these people who are so crazy about, like,

living that that wildlife, you know, of cocaine and drugs and sex and all this. It's not us guys, we're playing World of Warcraft. Why do you need to inject cocaine into, like if that's your lifestyle, the party lifestyle and stuff, just do cocaine normally and just have sex. Like it's, you know what I mean?

It's what's the, what's the, what's like, how do you get to the point where you've decided that that's the next step i think a drug addled mind makes odd decisions i suppose you know like i don't know i feel like if i was happy enough just doing that i would just you know i wouldn't change it up much you know i'd get my cocaine i'd find myself a sexual partner and then i would just i would go go ham every time you know I just keep it consistent I wouldn't want to like branch out too much start injecting things into my

my dangus and stuff no thanks this is great advice I think for all of our listeners back to minoxidil to preface there are a slew of factors that affect an individual's hair loss many of them are typical diet exercise stress that you hear repeated ad nauseum for most conditions to grossly oversimplify a lot of hair loss can be reduced down to two food nutrients getting to the

hair follicle and for lewis once a follicle is dead it is dead so if he does want hair transplants minoxidil whatever act soon the gene that would make an individual predisposed to hair loss are found in the x chromosome which would have to come from the mother as they only receive the Y chromosome from their father. The tale of look at the mother's father is because if the father has hair, then there's at least a 50% chance the X chromosome the mother gives the child would be inclined towards better hair. Fun fact of the day, dick size is similar in that it's also governed by the X chromosome. So if you've got a big Lyndon B. Johnson, you can tell people your mother's packing. By the way, bonus what I hate answer.

I absolutely hate when you so quickly jump to one end of the spectrum on a topic and campaign for that side, but then admit to not knowing anything about it two minutes later. Fuck off. Welcome to our podcast. Like everyone on the planet. Yes. Fuck off. Thanks for the email. Fuck off. about it two minutes later at least we have the self-awareness though that our opinions might not i am maybe maybe opinions suck this is my livelihood i don't know about you guys but i take this very seriously i hate i hate i hate the the idea that opinions are given equal weight to facts. Yeah.

Yeah, if you think these are facts, you're an idiot. You're an idiot. You're an idiot. You're an idiot. We have neither good opinions or facts. Yeah, I think I got fairly decent opinions, you know? I know the Adele one didn't go down too well with you guys or whatever, but I take full responsibility for that. Maybe it a bad take whatever but did um wait did you guys ever go down the rap the

buble rabbit hole about the uh the the weird the weirdness with buble no no the the more like the uh the domestic side of buble no i didn't the dark side of buble i looked briefly and when i saw the headlines i was like i don't want to read about this. Because Mrs. F is still going to play that shit at Christmas. I don't want to have to continue to mention it. I understand. I think it turns out that, again, it's the cocaine into his dick type situation.

It's got to be, right. He's been fucked up by fame, maybe. Yeah, I think he has been. I don't know. Just like too many people adoring him and telling him he's great, and it's ruined him. You need some people to tell you your shit occasionally, or else you'll turn into a fucking asshole i know that he should stream on twitch because people tell you your shit at everything all the time every day like

i think it would i think he could thicken up his skin you know just like just do a stint you know just like a year you should be the one to tell people their shit okay don't tell people their shit just let anonymous internet people tell people their shit okay don't tell people their shit just let anonymous internet people tell people their shit yeah well you think it's i think i think that's probably why he's abusive he's probably calling his wife all these names and stuff he's just yeah you suck at that there's a there's a seesaw there just be nice be not be nice to people all right good good idea good idea not too nice to michael yeah all right yeah this is a uh do you reckon by the way do you reckon michael buble says things that rhyme with

buble um nothing rhymes with buble well give me one example of something that rhymes with buble all right cook my dinner or you'll be in true play okay but that's that's good i'll give you that but nobody would ever say that it's too like i'm saying i think he replaces words like uh instead of calling it rubble he calls it rublay right and so on i reckon he does that uh clean up all that rublay yeah clean up the rublay that's lying around you think when he turns up he's going on a summer vacation to russia and when he lands in the plane he goes to the foreign exchange desk he's like buble needs some rubly i honestly think he does yes stuff does rhyme

like like santa's sleigh that rhymes yeah right buble is here to slay buble is here to slay that would be a very different kind of band, though, wouldn't it? Yeah. Before we carry on, have you been naughty or nice this year? Well, just like Santa knows, your ISP also knows what you've been searching on the internet. Even private mode or incognito mode don't help. Your ISP will sell your data to advertisers and other not very nice people. So give yourself the gift of privacy this Christmas with ExpressVPN. You can get three months free,

expressvpn.com slash Triforce. The app works on all your devices, phone, tablet, laptop, whatever. And it's super easy to use and super fast. I don't even know it's on and it gives me peace of mind and lets me get around those annoying content blocks that stop me from watching the television shows on Netflix in America that I want to watch so you can get three months free expressvpn.com slash triforce e x p r e double s

vpn.com slash triforce take yourself off the naughty list and sign up today. So this is from a minuscule penis haver says, do we plan to retire ever? And if so, would we keep the Triforce podcast going? I don't know. I plan on retiring for sure. I just don't know how long we can stay even remotely relevant for. Like it's the space that we operate in is a young space right like there are 3 000 things that rhyme with buble jesus christ this is why we can't ever retire we

have this kind of vital research i feel like i feel like day i mean cabriolet yeah cabriolet yeah cabaret i'm looking for a two-syllable rhyme for buble everything well they just cabriolet yeah cabriolet yeah cabaret i'm looking for a two-syllable rhyme for buble oh there's loads of two-syllable ones uh airway oh no this is that doesn't rhyme bouquet buffet bouquet i'll give you child's bouquet and buble goes well child's play doesn't because it's too different. Foul Play. No, that's no good. Horse Play. That's three. No good. It's a cop-out rhyme.

Ass Play. Ass Play and Bublé. That goes well. That's what he wanted, yeah. Here we go. Toupé. How about that? Toupé. That fits with what we're doing. Toupe fits with Frappé

What about Like a frappuccino Like a Iced frappé A goobling frappé I believe that's French For a shot In football

Hit Frappé The golf Frappé La balle Really It means hit Yeah

I think it's just a Isn't it a French football player Frappé No That's Mbappé Oh Mbappé Frappé to look at the frappe. It means hit. I think it's just a... Isn't it a French football player? Frappe mes fesses. That's Mbappé. Oh, Mbappé. So they would say, Mbappé, frappe!

Frappe Mbappé. Frappe ballon. Oh, that's so cute. Frappe mes ballons. Ballon. How do they say goal? I can't remember. Le butte!

Le butte. Quel butte! They call it butte. Quel butte. Quel butte! Mbappé avec le frappe! they call it my neighbors are going to start wondering so the guys working on the uh the russian spy house have torn down the back of it and are rebuilding the conservatory maybe there's like some weird uh space-time continuum like a rift or something and actually

this whole time the spy house you're looking through a portal and seeing my house in jersey because it sounds like they're having very similar works done to their place you know what i mean you're not having a conservatory put in are you no no not a conservative that's very out of date yeah it's called an orangery the 1980s uh it was a long time ago i don't think anybody has them built anymore, conservatories, because they're really energy inefficient. Extremely inefficient. My old conservatory was the least energy efficient thing I've ever been in. It's like a fucking black hole for heat.

For moolah. It just disappears in there. It just goes. It dissipates. An orangery sounds so fucking amazing. I'm looking at the orangery Wikipedia article and it's all like, there's like little,

they're like little castles built in beautiful landscapes in like Prussia and Belgium. Well, that's a very fancy name for a fucking conservatory, basically. But a conservatory sounds fancy too. It does. But it's like,

when I think of a conservatory i i think of that show one foot in the grave from like the you know the late 80s like early 90s keeping up appearances yeah yeah we're keeping up appearances it's like that era right we have to get a conservatory the neighbors have built one and we need one. I'm trying to get this conservatory built. And he's always angry with people. I do believe! That's literally what that show would be. It was such a good show.

I watched the first ever episode of that show the other day. It's interesting because in the first ever episode, he's still working. He works as a security guard at a big company. Yeah, he gets a few odd jobs along the way as well. He's like semi retired. Yeah, he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to retire though. Like that's the whole premise of the show. It's that he's forced to retire. Yeah, but then he's miserable because he just has fuck all sitting around the house like

getting getting caught up in dog shit things. He's he realizes God, this is all so petty. And now he has to deal with the neighbors and stuff like that. Angus Deaton was his neighbor, I think. Yeah, that's right. It was a great show. It was really good. It was very funny.

He's only supposed to be 60 years old. Yeah. I loved his wife was great. He was the actor that played Victor Mildrew at the time was only in his 50s. Like, he's like, he's still going. He's like 86 now or in his 50s like uh he's like he's still going he's like 86 now or something he's like he's or or no sorry he's might might even be in his 90s i might be wrong about that god you're right he's 86 yeah there you go wow wow there you go victor feckin mildrew all right it's two some fucking uh letters or else we're not going to have any put through. This is from James.

What are your favorite snacks? That's his email. What are your favorite snack foods? Oh, man. I like to have mini cheddars, you know, if they're around. Potato chips, you know, like the little grab bags of walkers, like salted or like

salt and vinegar or cheese and onion, you know know like you get those like six pack variety packs or whatever i don't know my mother-in-law brings them over for the kids and then i just eat them all mini mini cheddars are great especially the red leicester flavor apparently although i have i haven't had one in years more of a tradition traditionalist when it comes to uh mini cheddars hatfields did a thing where they went through all the best uk crisps and it was like, it just,

it's kind of strange because at some point in my life, I have eaten every single one of these. Yeah. And I kind of, you can kind of recall

the real McCoys. Yeah. It was really interesting watching them in a way like, you know how sometimes you watch these YouTube things where people try things

that you've never tried, right? Like it's, it's all these Korean chocolates. They're like trying to describe them or whatever. Oh, yeah. Oh, these are some sweets from Australia. Yeah.

And you're like, okay. And then, but doing the British one, me knowing exactly what everything tasted like was kind of interesting. I used to love a timeout wafer. Oh, yeah. Nice. What about a dime nice you ever have a dime i don't think i've ever been a double decker you ever had a double decker oh

yeah yeah yeah well or a boost oh man boosts were nice can't eat boosts though they got nuts in haven't they oh shit yeah yeah at least i seem to recall maybe not i think i'm pretty sure they do have i've got to be a little bit careful you You got to tell you that he can't have any nuts. Maybe not. Maybe it is just maybe it isn't nuts. I've been a voice but wasted my life not eating a boost. You got to get on it. You'll love them, man. But no, they're not free.

Go to the shop and you got to co-op like right close to you, right? I'll have a boost for lunch. Go get a boost. Yeah, we should. We should. That's that you, right? I'll have a boost for lunch. Go get a boost. Yeah. We should, we should, that's, this is. Don't have a boost. It might kill you. What are you talking about? No, I just looked it up.

The ingredients say no nuts. Well, guaranteed. I don't know where I thought it had nuts in. Yeah, lions do. Obviously they got. Lions got some nuts in. You can't have a Snickers. You can, so you've never had a Snickers bar before?

No, never had a Snickers. Holy man. Well, I feel like I have though, because it's just like a Mars bar with a life half limb. So you've never had a Snickers bar before? No, never had a Snickers. Holy man. Well, I feel like I have, though, because it's just like a Mars bar. It's not at all. Excuse me, sir. It is not at all. Let's calm down there, Lulu. What do you mean?

Mars has like some fucking weird foamy shit inside it. The nougat or whatever it is they call it. But Snickers does not have that. It's got like more, I don know man there's nice have you ever had a snickers ice cream bar oh yeah they're excellent my kids love those but a mars ice cream is also very popular yeah mars ice cream oh i remember having an ice cream thinking that was pocket i was never a mars bar fan i've got to admit do you this is a very 90s my kids don't like them so we get them all the time. Like, they went trick-or-treating and they won't eat them.

So it's just like free Mars bars, yeah. Bizarre. I know. There's this thing on Netflix, which feels like an advert, but I know it's not. It's about the... In the 90s, there was this Pepsi points thing. Yeah. Where you could, you know collect pepsi point wrappers

get like a sunglasses and a leather jacket or whatever yeah this was like the the puff daddy mace era right of uh it was all of it was a very interesting time the the bling the bling era of yeah crystal pepsi they had the crystal clear pe Pepsi. Remember when Van Halen did the ad for that? The Crystal Pepsi? Crystal Clear Pepsi? They got some huge stars to do stuff for them. Obviously, Pepsi had like Michael Jackson. They had the Right Now song, Van Halen.

It's the Pepsi generation. You know, he was like doing... There were tons of these. If you drink Pepsipsi honestly there's something wrong with you it's disgusting i'm sorry well you know i think pepsi i think pepsi is technically bigger than coke if you can i don't think that's no actually it because of the um it's because of uh pepsi pepsico's um holdings in other companies and stuff they're actually yeah they're huge right they own like water i think coke as a brand is is is more well known

and more popular but actually pepsi is uh is a bigger company actually much bigger company if you look into it it's crazy yeah citation needed uh but yeah the documentary was about how in the advert they said you know if you collect seven million points you'll get a harrier jump jet and that was like the whole sting of the advert right yeah but there's this kid who found out a way to get that many points and then tried to claim a harrier jump jet from pepsi from pepsi so it's a story of all these people it's very good it's very 90s it's very kind of it reminds me of that mcdonald's one that they had the monopoly um with the the organized crime um thing that was a great story yeah that was cool

oh what the monopoly points yeah the monopoly game so interesting yeah it was that was an interesting one it's like where marketing collides with accident like like gamers basically people try to game the system or exploit the system and and get a get get one over on these people but ending up getting more publicity out of it as a result but not on purpose you know i don't think they were looking for a lawsuit but um it does make the news at some point it's just it's such a such an interesting world but yeah the um the girl let's go back to the mailbag because we've done snacks i think uh harrier would look really good on my driveway i try and eat like i try to eat banana there you go that's

that's my answer and then it's a decent snack honestly but i'm like i think it's more like if you're just grabbing something i like like naked bars are kind of nice you know like or like just like like peanut peanut bars are kind of nice oh my god someone brought some mini colin the caterpillars into the office and i was eyeing them up yesterday those are are funny. If I wasn't vegan, I would have had one of them. I've actually had a sore stomach from eating too many of those before. Are they not vegan? They're definitely not. Most of the M&S sweets are vegan now.

Not the Colin, not the chocolate ones. Oh, the Colin the Caterpillar cake. Oh, sorry, I thought you meant the gummies. They're little Swiss mini rolls. This is the thing, right? you meant the gummies. Oh, no, they're little, like, Swiss, they're little mini rolls. You know, this is the thing, right? Like, it's about laziness. You know what a collie is, right?

It's difficult. You have to cut it up. You need a knife. Yeah, no, these are mini bite-sized ones. These are ready-cut up ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're much more middle class. They're good, yeah. You know what we do when it's the kid's birthday?

We get the big one that you have to cut, but we also get the bite-sized ones. Oh, that's ingenious. Just for fun, like, on the side just for overflow yeah it depends on like how much i think i think colin the calis for caterpillar is middle class cocaine isn't it it's great honestly because they're dicks they're fucking chowing down on bite-sized colin the thing is though they're so handy because like getting a cake made is a pain in the ass like if you go to a bakery and you have to order it and pick it up and stuff they only do certain sizes you end up with way too much cake they're fucking expensive like calling the caterpillar serves like what eight people and it costs like four pounds

like it's it's a no-brainer it's like it's the perfect it's perfect blend because you're not like man you're not making a meal of it like you're putting one candle in there you're singing happy happy birthday to a three-year-old and you're moving on with your life like you know what i mean it's fucking i i hate getting like going like you know like i said the bakery and getting a cake and fucking icing with writing on it and shit like it's like it's so much hassle. I don't know. So I've had an email from a guy called Jared.

It is probably over a thousand words long. Right. And it's incredibly rambling. I don't know what is going on here. He said, I'll skip the pleasantries and get right into it. And then there's just all it starts off with this sentence the myth of the fat gladiator and other historical misconceptions jared i don't know if anybody's going on about the myth of the fact gladiator i've never heard

of the fact i don't know what that even means no um he says the myth of the fat gladiator is a common misconception that roman era gladiators were a bit chubby. The logic being that the extra fat could allow for superficial cuts that looked good to the audience but didn't cause significant damage. Anyone who thinks about it for more than 10 seconds realizes how ridiculous this is. I've heard it spouted from Coliseum tour guides to popular history YouTubes. All right, Jared, what a weird thing to get angry about. I don't think anybody gives a shit about the fact the myth of the fat gladiator. That's

incredible. I do now. Well, now I'm intrigued. It rambles all over the place. That's the point. This man is giving us content. Well, just wait. Jared. He then goes on to say that much of the ancient world was super gay. He also says Christopher Columbus was a genocidal

maniac. He talks about what Jesus really looked like. And then he signs off with a giant selfie of his torso, which is magnificent. But probably one of the strangest emails I think I've ever had. It's far too long to read. It's incredible. It talks about the Ice Age, brain size, Alexander the Great, the size of penises on ancient statues jared just trim it dude oh my god there's a book so there's he must have just read this book called naked statues fat gladiators and war elephants frequently asked questions about the ancient greeks and romans and it just it's it, interestingly, a callback, the naked statues are of Priapus, from Priapism,

which we mentioned earlier. Priapus, like from Priapism, yeah. Holy crap. And he basically, the reason they had these statues of guys with big dicks was to scare away birds. How about that? That is apparently. How about that?

I find my big dick has the opposite effect when it comes to birds. Oh. Hey. Hello. I find my big dick has the opposite effect when it comes to birds. That was good. Well done, sir. Thank you. Thanks. So many about boldness this week. Here we go.

When did we even speak about boldness to warrant so many? We mentioned it a couple of weeks ago. I said, does it really come from the mother's side? And so I've had biologists, doctors, a guy that works for Damoxenil, all of these people emailing to talk about it. So we get it. No more emails about baldness, please. Wait, so what is the answer? It does come from the mother's side. Apparently so. Yeah, so what is the answer? It does come from the mother's side. Apparently so. Yeah, that's the deal. I'm just trying to think how much hair my grandpa had, my granddad. I don't think he was very fucking much.

My maternal grandfather had a shitload of hair. So I don't know what the fuck happened there. Well, there's always an exception to the rule, I guess. Yeah, me. As usual, the exception to the rule and not in a good way. This is from Luke. On a previous mailbag, you spoke about gross foods from Europe and the UK. I think we talked about Sir Strauman and some other things.

Yes, we did. Yeah. So then this is just clearly a bait email, but I'll say it anyway. I will step into your trap, sir. Yes, I willingly. Whenever the topic of gross foods is brought up here in the US, you may be shocked to learn that the first gross foods is brought up here in the u.s you may be shocked to learn that the first food mentioned is always beans on toast whoa i had

that yesterday he says i know that flax's immediate response will be to put down american foods you are correct sir but these are typically gross for being overly greasy sugary and processed processed whereas i believe beans on toast is a texture issue to most americans yeah maybe i get it but i mean americans do eat beans refried beans and stuff indeed and they and they do eat toast and the two complement each other fairly well like you don't necessarily have to have the beans on the toast if you don't want but like right this is the thing that happened recently on great british bake-off they had a mexican um theme right yeah the american audience went mental um they lost their mind because we in britain don't share a border with mexico so we don't have like that much familiarity with

no i mean but mexican cuisine sure and but a lot of, like, I was reading about the popular, like, potato chip flavors in North America. And, well, so, America, Canada, and the UK, and, like, the differences. And coming back to this, like, shared border with Mexico and, you know, access the rest of South America or whatever. A lot of American potato chip flavors are, are like Chipotle and stuff like that. Stuff that you wouldn't find in Canada or would be popular in Canada and certainly not in the UK. It's just not, right? Interesting.

The UK has like roast chicken, cheese and onion, salt and vinegar. Worcestershire sauce. This is what happened. It's just totally different so great british make-off did a thing with peanut butter and fruit right right and apparently the quote the quote is one viewer wrote apparently sayabira just introduced the british to peanut butter and jelly and the thing is it's a huge thing in america and it's not a thing in britain peanut butter and jam peanut butter no yeah and

anything it just and that that you're right about the cultural taste profile thing but then over here you'll have peanut butter you can buy little things of like peanut butter and apple like and people eat that as a as a snack because it's like you know good like energy food right like you you can get that you can get that at any supermarket yeah it's like uh it's like become like a snack you know like uh you can get like a thing of like apple segments with like a little pot of peanut butter like you can get them at waitrose we definitely don't we definitely don't see eye to eye though on on on some stuff across the channel. Sure.

Across the pond. Yeah. I think that us, I think a lot of Americans do watch Great British Bake Off. It's really a global show. A lot of people watch it from, and I think that they're often surprised by the things we do and don't know. And it is, there are certain things.

A lot of British baking involves root vegetables as well, though, right? Which is not, not a huge thing in, in other countries. It's only really big in Britain because that's the only goddamn thing they could grow for like decades, like before and after both of the world wars,

right? When they had like heavy rationing and stuff like that all they did was grow potatoes and carrots because that's all that can grow over here basically so like most it's it's not a surprise that most of their cuisine is like stapled with root vegetables as well right yeah i think it ended i think the episode ended with them conceding that that it does work and the combo is is um what's it complimentary sure you know but but i i think that this is like a a common issue really in the world is that you don't realize like we get so much american information about the elections and the supreme court and all this

stupid shit we hear about it all the time and all the time we don't watch like any of we don't know any references to any of the sport or any of the late night stuff or that any of the no that stuff doesn't really translate though because there are a lot of celebrities in the states that just have zero presence over here that we still you still hear about they will make jokes on sitcoms on late night shows and all the rest of it about people that we have no fucking idea who they are no yes and those shows still come over here and they will make these references especially also about products yeah and places and it's like this joke just doesn't translate at all which is fine i mean you know if people make it made a joke about milton keens on a british show yeah no one's

gonna fucking know what that means in the states. They're not going to have any idea. But then the same can be true the other way, too. Can you imagine somebody from America watching only Fools and Horses? They just wouldn't fucking have a clue what was going on. It's just one of those things where there are always going to be specific cultural references that are just

not for a new group. Whenever I think about this, I think about that thing where you've just heard of something and then you seem to see it everywhere, whatever it's called. Because, you know, so often if you don't get a joke, they're on to the next one already. Or if you don't understand a reference, you don't remember that. You're not like, oh, I better look up who, you know, Prue is or whatever.

Do you know what I mean? You don't have to, you don't have to like do that um in your mind right but but as soon as you've heard of something oh now that you know peanut butter and jelly is a thing you'll be seeing it everywhere right like as soon as you realized that the um that was part of the culture yeah it became i used to have peanut butter and jam sandwiches in my lunch when i was a kid all the damn time like all the time i might go and enjoy one now you know vegan you can't have peanut butter lewis that's true that's true like i mean things have changed a lot nowadays though right i mean do kids even still take packed lunches to school now like or do they just get

my kids do delivery like to the school or like both my kids do like Deliveroo, like, to the school? No, no, both my kids do. They have. They get Uber Eats. My youngest can have school lunches. My eldest has a canteen at work at her school that does all kinds of cool Santa food. But after a while, they get sick of it. Yeah. And they would rather have something they made themselves. But as I point out to them, you guys do realize that you have pretty much the same thing every day for your lunches.

They're like, yeah, but it's what I want. So they don't mind if pretty much the same thing every day for your lunches. They're like, yeah, but it's what I want. So they don't mind if it's the same thing every day. Kids kind of thrive on routine and consistency, though, don't they? Yeah, but apparently not when it comes to having the same thing at school every day. It's weird. Like, my daughter, she can get paninis there. Like, a nice, fresh, hot panini. Oh, wow.

And she's like, oh, she's like, I got sick of paninis. I'm like, yeah, but you're just taking the same dog shit sandwich. Just give me a mini Colin the Caterpillar. Right, exactly. Yeah, but I get it, wow. And she's like, oh, she's like, I got sick of paninis. I'm like, yeah, but you're just taking the same dog shit sandwich. Just give me a mini Colin the Caterpillar. Right, exactly. Yeah, but I get it, though. Like, if you're eating a panini every day for lunch, like, I would want to, like, get something different, you know? Beans on toast.

What about, like, chicken burger Tuesdays? Like, you know, like, spice it up a little bit. Sloppy Joe's. Get some Sloppy Joe's on a Wednesday. Like, the prison rotation. Get some fucking pasta in there too, like on a Thursday. Arctic roll. Yeah, all right.

Let's stop because I've got to go. Sorry, guys. You've got to go. Make a slightly shorter one than normal. But thank you for joining us for this mailbag. We've got loads of letters. We'll do some more next week. No more about boldness, please.

Please. I've got like 50. No more about boldness. All right. Okay. Just generally don't write letters in response to the mailbag episode. Otherwise, it's like a never-ending cycle. Don't ever reference Flaxen.

Don't look at him in the eye either. Yeah, please. All right. Thank you, everyone. We love you. Bye. Bye.