Triforce! - YoGPoD 21: Halloween Spacktacular

Episode Date: October 31, 2009

OooOoooooOoooooOoooo! It's the super-spooky halloween edition of the YoGPoD, this time actually released at the correct time of year! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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at the Yogpod Spooktacular. I thought we did that Spooktacular. No, we can't call it Spooktacular. It's a red bar call there. Spactacular. I'll show you that. The Spactacular. That's more like it. This is the Yogpod Spactacular. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha This is the Yogpod Spactacular. Yes.

That's a door opening. Sounded like you were standing on a rat. That's Thunder. Okay, yeah, I got that, that was quite good Did you like that? Yeah, it was quite good Thank you So have you ever dressed up as anything for Halloween or anything? I dressed up as Marilyn Monroe one year

Okay Yeah, but as she is now So I was like a zombie Marilyn Monroe one year. Okay. Yeah, but as she is now. So I was like a zombie Marilyn Monroe. I was all decayed. I think it would be scarier if you were dressed up as like how she was before in like a puffy white dress that was like blowing up in the wind

and big red lips. The thing is, I mean, I'm quite a quite a big guy, let's be honest. So when I dress up as someone I'm dressed up as a fat version of them. So one year, I dressed up as the guy from Scream, right? The murderer from Scream. So I was wearing the, you know, the mask, the Scream mask, the monk thing. And I had the cowl, the black cowl and the black

cloak, and unfortunately my belly was just poking out. So I was just like a fat version of the guy from fucking Scream. Do you have to announce that? Like another year, like a group of us. When you're telling people what costume you're going to be.

You know, what are you coming out as? Oh, I'm coming as a fat version of Einstein. Yeah, exactly. Oh, it's terrible. I'm coming as a fat teenage mutant ninja turtle. Exactly. Hello, and welcome to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. York Morgue This is the York Pod If you fart and it smells really bad You might be able to spare those around you by smelling it all up first

The smell is consisted of tiny particles And when you smell it, the particles go up your nose and are no longer floating around Right Smell up all the particles and and voila! No more stinky fart. Thank you, Emmett. Emmett Nervend of SomethingAwful.com It's the Yogscast tip of the day.

Yogpod. Yogpod! This is the Yogpod. Hello, you're listening to the Yogpod. Hello, I'm Lewis, and with me is Simon. Hi, I'm Simon. Simon, what? Hello, I'm Lewis, and with me is Simon. Hi, I'm Simon. What? Hello, I am Lewis.

Okay. So, are there any other bullshit things put there by Jesus to stop people from realising that the earth is young. So they find the fossils and they're like, oh look, a dinosaur. And look, it's millions of years old. So it, I'm not sure why God would do that though. Why would God want to confuse people Why would he plant fake evidence To cover up the truth Because surely he'd want people to know

That the earth is only What 6,000 years old I think people are saying it is You know people in general You bump into them on the street How old is the earth Oh it's 6,000 years old I mean I don't see in general. You bump into them on the street. How old is the Earth? Oh, it's 6,000 years old!

I mean, I don't see why God has a problem with this. I mean, God's like a celestial being. Why do Christians always say, oh, well, you know, he created it in seven days, therefore that was when Adam and Eve came, and then the flood, and blah, blah, blah. Why do they...

Six days. Why do they complain? You created the world in six days. Why can't the world be millions of years old? Because the Bible says that it isn't. I mean, the Bible itself, it states all the generations of people who were born. You know, X begat Y begat Z. X begat Y begat Z and so if you add it all up

for each generation it's only a few thousand years and then suddenly we're up to New Testament Oh I see, so it's got a full history of everyone who existed before going all the way up to Adam and Eve Well, it

I think it includes the people who descended from Adam. Right. It lists all of their descendants up to, like, Moses or whatever in the Old Testament. Or Noah. Not Moses. It says Noah, and then you find out that Moses is from, you know from A descendant of Noah

Everybody Is a descendant of Noah because he was the only Person Along with his wife and his Three sons Who survived Which meant that he His sons and his wife had to repopulate the world

Amongst themselves And that's a bit fucked up when you think about it isn't it? I mean you think Adam and Eve, just the two of them starting life over is horribly incestuous after a couple of generations but they had to do it all over again

with Noah Yeah but look, how did life start then? How did the first man come to be? He was made of clay That God kind of breathed life into No, I mean in evolutionary terms No, that is what happened, Lewis Oh, well no

God took a pile of clay He made like a morph type person From Tony Hart the little morph fella you remember him? right yeah the googly eyes and he was made out of

plasticine yeah yeah yeah well they made a little like Wallace from Wallace and Gromit right okay so you're saying that they made a little Wallace

that God created Wallace and then a female version of Wallace. Pretty much, yeah. Oh no, the female was made from the male's rib or something, wasn't she? Yeah, because he needed some clay. For some reason, it was easier to take clay from Adam rather than just take clay that was lying around in the dirt. So he broke off the rib and he formed a woman from just that one rib.

I mean, you may think that's a bit unlikely, but then, you know, he's God. He can do that. He's like a magician. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like Paul Daniels. Okay. Going back to, like, actual evolution, though, I can understand how... I mean, I really should know the answer to this,

but it's kind of a question that's been bugging me, and it's probably quite a simple answer, so if someone knows the answer, write it. But when man evolved, okay, it's obviously to do with mutation, isn't it? So whatever the species was that was around before us, like Homo erectus or whatever, they obviously had a mutated

baby that was a human, right? Wow. Is that right? So you think that evolution works, is that two cavemen, Neanderthals, were at it one day, and then nine months later,

a perfectly normal, modern-day human baby was born from them. Yeah, basically. Is that not right? Well, I mean, you think back. How did the cavemen come into being? Obviously, two chimpanzees were at it, and then one day they gave birth to a troglodyte. No, no, no, it's very, very gradual though. I mean, there are literally hundreds of steps.

Literally hundreds of steps. Over the millions of years. Literally hundreds of steps. Yeah, but mankind hasn't been around that long as a species. About a million years. It's complicated. It's very, very complicated. I mean...

You don't know either, do you? I'm asking you as if you know, because you're, like, old and wise, but you don't have any idea, do you? Okay, well, think of a balloon, right? You've got a balloon, and it's not blown up. It's like a floppy little balloon. And then you blow it up, and you've got, like, a full-sized filled

balloon. It's not as though one day there were two flat uninflated balloons that fucked, and then nine months later, a fully inflated balloon was born. It's like, gradually, that balloon is inflated. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, what?

Well, think, you're blowing up a balloon, right? I don't understand your analogy at all. There's a process where it goes from uninflated to inflated. Sorry, sorry, sorry, stop, stop, stop. Okay? So that process, it doesn't just transition from uninflated to inflated. There's like a process in which it slowly inflates. You're kind of seeing it as though it's

like going from one to two. It's not like a transition from something to something completely different. No, it's not like two monkeys had sex and produced a human baby. It's not like... It's like two monkeys had sex and produced a slightly different monkey which produced a slightly different monkey. Monkey, monkey,

monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey for monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, for ages, and then human. Or whatever. Yeah. But the previous monkey was basically a human. Now, what is this balloon analogy? It's shown that there's a process, a very long, complex process, going

from one state to another state, and that it doesn't just automatically, immediately go from uninflated to inflated. I think... I mean, if you were to break it down to half-inflated, a quarter-inflated, an eighth-inflated, there's no way

that you can... You're saying that the previous species to us... I'm not sure who it was. I think it was Homo erectus who were before us. That's just a name put on something that is human like which we clearly did evolve from it's not as though one day two homo erectus is fucked and then nine months later the human modern human was born it's just that is an example one example of you know a state of evolutionary you know process of humans that has just been found so you found a state of evolutionary process of humans that has just been found.

So you found a few of them from all this same, roughly the same time period. And because they're like us, but they are different, they've put a name on it. They're still kind of humans, it's just that they're an older version of humans. that they're an older version of humans. I mean, it's kind of difficult to tell, you know, when does one species become a next one, or the previous one. So what you're saying is that, basically, the entire tribe, I guess, of people had a collective mutation between them,

and those mutations persisted until the entire tribe evolved into Homo sapiens. Is that what you're saying? No. I don't know. Someone write it and tell me because I want to know and I'm fucking stupid.

But, yeah. and I'm fucking stupid but yeah you're listening to the Yogg-Mod Halloween Spooktacular ah fuck people wrote in some Halloween stories by the way Fuck.

People wrote in some Halloween stories, by the way. Oh my god, did they? Oh, this is good. This is good. Well, there are not that many. There's one, isn't there? There's one. Yeah, the rest of them are just

Weird This one guy writes The kettle presses against my bible Before the sober species Um I don't know what that means That sounds quite deep This month's

14 times Of unusual weird news and strange phenomena. It asks this month mermaids, myth or reality? Okay. Myth. Myth.

Yeah. There we go. Yeah. That's covered that. I don't understand the attraction of a mermaid because surely they don't have a vagina. Am I being stupid here?

They do, it's just a fish one. Right, okay. Do fish have vaginas? Yeah, but they're a bit scaly and silvery. Well, I don't sort of get it. I mean... It can't be nice. Mermaids.

Like, I don't see why there's all this big deal about them. Well, when you've been at sea... You've been at sea for months on end. They probably seem pretty attractive to you. They've got lovely tits. And beautiful faces and long hair. So, you know... Yeah, I suppose if you've been at sea for, like,

fucking ages, you just want to have... You know, a dream is that some woman would climb out of the sea. I suppose that would be, like, a dream of yours. So what's this story that you have? Okay, it's quite short, predictably. It says... This is from eric frost okay

shall i get some scary music on yeah while i was home alone i heard some funny noises coming from the basement. I was around 12 years old. So I decided to go down and have a look. As I walked down the stairs, a cold wind blew in, and I thought it was strange since we did not have any windows in the basement. But nevertheless, I carried on. As I reached the bottom of the basement. But nevertheless, I carried on. As I reached the bottom of the basement, the washing machine was still on.

Mom had forgot to turn it off, I thought, so I turned it off. Now, I couldn't hear anything, so I thought that the noises was just the washing machine. But sudden, some big blue fuck charged towards me, and I like screamed like hell, and when it fell over me, I swear I was nearly shitting my pants. Then, it turns out to be my stupid brother covered in a blue sheet. So later that day, I needed some new pants,

and my brother got a trip to the hospital. Kind regards, Eric from Denmark. So he beat up his brother so badly that he had to go to hospital. I mean, that's the horrible thing. That's the horrible thing about this story. Not the fact that, you know, his little brother was... He had a blue sheet over his head.

And that scared him. I mean, what the fuck? That was a good story, man. I think that's a great story. Thank you, Eric. It's a terrible story. It's lame. You're lame, Eric. What a terrible story. Don't ever, ever email us again.

You're banned from emailing us. You're banned from emailing us. Thank you. I hate you, Eric. I hate you. I hope a real ghost attacks you and it looks like your brother with a blue sheet on his head. And you're like, oh, stop it, Gary.

Because that's his name. But it turns out that it's a ghost. And he, like, rips your face off. Okay. You cunt. This is a story which I'm sure I've heard before. Thanks for writing to us, Eric, by the way. Thanks.

I'm sure I've heard this story before in some shape or form, so it can't be... I'm not sure this is... I've heard it before. Anyway. I have a pretty good story from a little while back. I was talking to a random girl on MSN for a few moments

and began to flirt with her, and to be honest, I started saying some dirty things. It was all fun to flirt with her, and to be honest I started saying some dirty things. It was all fun until I asked her, Hey, what's your ASL? She said, Fifteen. F. Melbourne. I'm eighteen, and live in Melbourne by the way. I had a feeling I should stop, but I kept flirting. I asked her if she had any siblings, and she said she had a brother. Anyway, I kept talking and asking her things, until I came to the conclusion that she was my sister. I walked into her room and asked her some questions, and then looked over at her shoulder and saw that she was talking to me on MSN.

over at her shoulder and saw that she was talking to me on MSN. I immediately went back to my room, said I had to go, blocked her, and never spoke with her again. It's a terrifying story. There's a variance to this story all over the place, isn't there?

This is like a standard plot. Like the guy who goes into a gent's toilet at the park and there's a gent's toilet at the park and there's a hole in the cubicle and a dick pops through and the guy thinks, oh, what the hell?

And he sucks the dick and he swallows when the guy's done and he leaves the toilet and he bumps into his dad who's just leaving the toilet at the same time. Like, coming out of the toilet. Yeah, or something.

Or, no, I don't think they'd leave at the same time, would they? I think he wanted to, like, find out who it was, so he, like, hides in the bushes or something and watches who comes out of the toilet. His dad comes out, and then the vicar comes out, and then George Michaels comes out of the toilet And then His dad comes out And then the vicar Comes out And then George Michaels Comes out And Tom Cruise No Tom Cruise will never come out

Awful Awful This is one of It's one of those stories Like from I've got to thank someone I've got to thank someone You know

Jack from Oldham Thank you very much for your donations. Plural. He donated... I think he might have accidentally clicked the button six times because he donated six times. Holy crap.

Thank you very much, Jack from Oldham. Thank you. Thanks for the cash. I've got your phone number, which is a little bit creepy, but I won't call you, don't worry. Or will I? Don't call him. That would be very weird.

Okay, we've got a letter from one of our long-term listeners. Long-time listeners. Long-term? It's like a mental illness. He's got chronic... Listener. He's called ashley he wants to know uh if we have any other consoles such as xbox or ps3 he has a ps3 and would love to play with us he's also getting an xbox for christmas um also something you could talk about in the Yoggpod is X-Factor. Just a suggestion. Since X-Factor is shown worldwide in most countries,

I think that your American fans would know what you're talking about. It could be funny, the things Honeydew comes up with about those damn annoying twins, John and Edward. Do you know anything about X-Factor at all, or do you have a console, Simon? I don't have a current-gen console. I used to have an Xbox. I have one right now, still have it. I'm looking at it.

It's covered in dust. It's huge. It's a huge grey monolith just sat there on the floor glaring at me. It's on the floor? It's on the floor. It's on old dusty carpet that hasn't been hoovered in four years. What else is on the floor It's on the floor On old dusty carpet That hasn't been hoovered in four years

What else is on your floor? It's got a dusty controller on it And dusty games Two television sets are on the floor Right Do either of them work? Kind of, yeah, kind of work I've got some graphic novels

I've got a guide to Halo 2, I've got an old yellowy keyboard, I've got an office chair, I've got about 200 CDs strewn around. What kind of CDs? Game CDs? I've got an old pair of corduroy trousers.

They'll no longer fit you. Basically. Oh, we've got a PS2. no longer fit you basically oh we've got a PS2 I've got a PS2 over there I forgot I had that it's a slimline one as well ironically okay

the next question X Factor we haven't talked about X Factor there was this one request alright X Factor. We haven't talked about X Factor. There was just one request. All right, X Factor. I don't really watch it. Hannah watches it, and she tells us about it. Hannah can talk about it, yeah.

I thought you were going to say something else. Hannah can fuck right off. I thought you were going to say that. Why would I say that? I don't know. You and Hannah aren't getting on too well at the moment. That's alright. She tells us about X Factor

and I've seen in the papers about those two twins with their spiky blonde hair and they can't sing. Have you? They can't sing. I haven't seen it. They can dance a little. Right, okay.

What is there to say about X Factor? It's kind of shit. I mean, do you about X Factor? It's kind of shit. I mean, do you think X Factor has drained all of the talent that was available in the past few years? Yeah, but people don't watch it for that. People watch it for the people who are terrible. Is Britain sucked dry of talent? People aren't interested in people succeeding on the X Factor. They're only interested in people who fail and are abysmal.

Okay, alright, well that's that. Some fat builder in his 40s who's singing like Frank Sinatra. In conclusion, X Factor can suck my Disney. This guy asked, his name's DJ Cinema, he says, I was listening to one of your... First he asks, when are we going to see Hannah's bikini pictures? Oh, Christ. Well, she said that she was working on it,

and that was months ago. I think she was trying to Photoshop her face onto, like, Jessica Biel or someone. But she couldn't even be arsed to do that. So the answer is probably next summer. or someone. But she couldn't even be asked to do that. So, the answer is probably next summer. Okay. Or, knowing the Yoggpod,

completely at the wrong time, i.e. in the depths of winter. Oh, we should say, people should vote for us on Podcast Alley and also leave reviews and ratings on iTunes for us. Thank you. Also, thank you

to Joris. That may not be how you pronounce his name, but it's spelt Joris from Dutchland, who's donated to the Yogpod. Thank you, Joris. Right, right, right. Stop with this. In one of the old episodes We talked about you doing cross country

And you said that we'd save that For a later time And we've never come back to it So Have you got anything to say About doing cross country This guy's calling us On everything

All of our little slip-ups. We said that we'd show Hannah with her tits out and we didn't do it. And now he's calling us on it. So, you want me to talk about cross-country running? It was horrible. Really, the only good thing

about it was seeing girls run around in tight clothing. That was the only thing I found interesting about seeing girls run around in tight clothing. That was the only thing I found interesting. The only redeeming feature. Man, cross-country was hard. We were forced to do it from a fairly young age at school. I don't know about you, but, you know,

it seemed to, like, go on year after year. We were still doing it. Man, it was painful. We did it, like, in all weather, whether it was raining or snowing. Have I told you that story? I have told you the story about when I did Cross Country in the Snow. Yeah, it's on a podcast, Lou. It's on the fucking podcast.

Well, if it's on the podcast, why are we covering it again? Because, yet again, you started talking about your exploits and my own stories just got left behind and forgotten about. And you're doing it again now. Go on then, Simon. You have the open mic. Okay, well there was this one time in which

there was me, Kevin and Neil. Hello Kevin, Kendall, and Neil Warren, you're out there. We went for a run, and the three of us... The thing is, Neil was quite muscular but small, and Kevin was quite skinny but lanky. And there's me, this kind of fat, weird little boy.

We were quite an odd group, and we were... What? So there's one tall, thin guy, one really circular guy, and one small, little muscly guy. Basically, if you were to look at fantasy archetypes, fantasy archetypes,

Neil Warren would be a hobbit, Kevin Kendall would be an elf, like Elrond. He looks a bit like Elrond, actually. And I would be Gimli. So, you've got the three of us. We're going on a little journey

to take our legs to Mount Lower Slaughter, as it was known as, not Mount Doom. So we're running to Lower Slaughter. And it was an interesting run It's basically in the middle of nowhere There's no roads

It's just across fields And this is from Borton to Lower Slaughter And these places, they're tiny little towns Lower Slaughter's a tiny little village And the only people we would see Is other runners, that would be it You wouldn't see any members of the public Just walking their dog or

anything. You'd see no one. No one at all. No dogs, no farmers brandishing shotguns. Although maybe they watched in horror. With their hands in their pockets rummaging. Okay.

So the three of us, we go for our little run. And Okay. So the three of us, we go for our little run. And there was... We were basically trying to work out how we could cheat the system. How we could... Okay. Take a shortcut. Because the teachers weren't there following you.

All you had to do was basically be gone for the length of time that it would take you to run it and we were trying to figure out okay say we don't want to run it what are we going to do are we just going to sit on this you know bridleway where traditionally you know horses would come by are we just going to sit on this like muddy path and just wait half an hour and then walk back and in the end we just couldn't be bothered we just couldn't we couldn't come up with any cunning plan there was no you know how about we go to the pub any cool ideas such as that or hey let's let's go and get after some mischief let's go and steal some apples from farmer gilesiles. None of this. We just thought, oh, we may as well just do it.

And this is the great anecdote of mine. So in the end, we just ran it because we couldn't think of any cunning plan of how to get out of it. Wow. So we just ran it anyway and got back. And we felt sheepish. Even though we never did anything wrong, the thought was there. We were scheming. Well, that anecdote is...

That's a terrible story. It's paralleling my skill of telling anecdotes. Some guy who's called the Gary Modder writes and says he liked the story and wondered if we were going to do any more.

He also says... What, he liked the story that I just told were going to do any more. He also says... What, he liked the story that I just told? No, sorry. That's amazing. That's quick. That's quick feedback. The story from episode 13. The long story. Oh, right. The last watch.

Yeah. We haven't had... Well, you haven't told me that we've had an awful lot of feedback about that. We've had a bit. I guess because it wasn't funny. No, it's been largely positive, but it wasn't funny. So people didn't really...

You know, people were expecting the usual drivel chat, and it wasn't the same. Anyway, he says, When I play Call of Duty 4 whilst listening to you guys, my score goes up from 25 kills 40 deaths to 76 kills 48 deaths. There you go. Keep up the good work. That's a lesson for everyone. If you're doing badly on your FPSs, doing

PvP, if you're doing badly, all you gotta do is listen to the Yoggpod and your score will almost double. Or more than double. I can't remember the numbers, but it was close to doubling. Either way. Indeed.

We are enabling the pwn. That's how I like to see it. We are pwn enablers. We have to do it by proxy because neither of us are very good at pwnage. But we can pass on this magical power. This like what do you call it, mojo,

this mojo of ours, we can pass on to you, the listener. Mm, mm-hmm, mm. Oh, yeah. I, do you know, okay, this is something interesting. You know there's a World of Warcraft dating website? It's called Datecraft. Oh, my God. Have you heard of this?

I do now. I signed you up for it, yeah. I'm sorry? sorry i'm sorry put a picture of you on it yeah what you've actually put my picture on it yeah i signed you up and put your picture on it i've had a message already it says hello dear nice to meet you my name is mary i just went through your profile when I was searching for love. I have no option... Oh god, I can see it! It's on the front page! It's on the front fucking page! Me with the Dalek! Well, that's probably just because I just logged in just now to check it. It's nothing... Oh no! Oh god! Don't panic Simon, don't panic!

I saw your profile today, that is why I wish to have a relationship with you. I will also like to know you more. I will also send you my pictures. I believe we can move from here. Bear in mind that love has no colours barrier, no educational background barrier, no social economic barrier, religious language, nationality or distance

barrier. The only important thing there is, is love I am waiting for your mail at mary underscore simon for you at yahoo.com Thanks for your cooperation. So her surname is my first name

Well, do you know what? I think it's like one of these russian brides or something who are trying to like get you in to like send them money to come to your country it was a bit of a weird message you know love has no color barrier or you know it's like what sorry what why are you saying that it's not really really something you say On a first message It's like oh hello Love has no barriers Two people have actually commented On our profile as well

Your profile Our profile Sorry Two people have commented on your profile One is a guy called BlackPhoenix505 Who has a very sexy neck beard and he wrote exterminate with oh right because the dalek i see what he did there yeah yeah because it's a picture of you with a dalek and the other person is jade um chantelle from yogs or whatever who from our

guild jade do you know who that is i don't know quite who that is. I think she's got a mage. Oh! I think I know who it is, yeah. She's a terrible, terrible mage. But I think I know her, yeah. Uh, it's... I'll send you... hang on, check my comment. You might not be able to see it because you're not logged in. No, I can't see it because I'm not logged in, even though I have a fucking profile on there. Oh, damn. What's the login for it? Hang on, let me see if I can get the picture. Am I not allowed to log in?

Yeah, you are, but because I accidentally set the password to the one which I use for fucking everything. Alright, hang on, let me tell you it. That's your password for everything. Yeah. What? What?

Just don't log into anything, alright? Damn it. Everyone has, like, password for everything. What? What? Just don't log into anything, alright? Dammit. Everyone has like... The thing is, everyone has a really dumb password that they've used for years and they've just like added to it over the years. Like they've put a capital letter in the front or they've added like an extra number on the end

or an extra S on the end or something. Oh my god. Jade Chantel. She looks very emo. Very emo. Look at her appearance. It says body type voluptuous. Now who puts that on a dating site?

People who are honest, Lewis. People who are honest. No, but you know what I mean? On a dating site you have to like... Everyone puts one below what they are. Oh god. So her and how does the scale work how does the scale work using like like the fatness scale i mean it goes from like i'd imagine it doesn't have obese as an option no but i mean it goes like chubby cuddly voluptuous bouncy, bubbly's in there somewhere. Okay, look at Jade Chantel, right?

Look down on her page and there's kitten underscore. Is that a man or a woman? It looks like Gok Wan, doesn't it? Oh my god! So it's rather difficult to tell, I suppose. I guess it does, yeah. Oh dear. Oh, it is a woman.

It says gender woman. Wow, I thought it was a man. Oh dear, oh dear. Well, there we are. So hopefully you'll be able to find love through that. It's that sight. I can't. That'll be great.

Oh god. that site. I can't. That would be great. Oh, God. Picture of me with a Dalek giving a thumbs up. What a catch. What a catch. Someone sent us an email. This guy called Timothy Jester. That's a good name, Timothy Jester.

Apparently that's his full name. Really? He said, I posted an iTunes review, but they rejected it, so he sent it to us instead. It says, this podcast is absolutely fucking brilliant. Well, I mean, I think the problem was with that word there, you know. Maybe if he hadn't used that word, it probably would have been alright. Yeah. Yeah.

Then again, so it carries on. Stumbled across them a few months ago on YouTube, and I've been hooked ever since. Then again, that carries on. Stumbled across them a few months ago on YouTube and I've been hooked ever since. Maybe it's a soft spot for late 20s, early 30s British men that have my male heterosexual heart pounding and my average-sized cock hard. What?

But whatever it is, keep it up and subscribe to this nonsense. What? I'm sorry? What? What? What? No, no, go back, go back, go back. It's a soft spot for your accents. Your accents. The Queen and such, you know.

This podcast has more balls than the former McDonald's play pit which my uncle climbed into with me all those years ago before they were removed. The pit went to the trash and my uncle went to prison. It's a good review.

It's a good review. Thanks. I'm happy with that. It's a perfect review. Thanks to that, Tim. This one's from Dave. Dave O. David O. This is a Halloween Dave. Dave O. David O. This is a Halloween story, apparently.

You ready? Cue music. Oh. It was a late Tuesday night, and I stumbled into my room and turned on the light. I had been listening to my iPod, so I pulled the headphone out of my ears and threw them on the floor. I then hopped into bed, watched TV for around an hour, then turned off the light and went to bed. I woke up the next morning. There was a thick fog outside, and it was freezing cold inside my room.

For some reason, my window was ajar. I stood up, naked, in the middle of my room and looked down. I saw my iPod headphone wire poking out from under the bed, so I picked it up. It was at this moment I discovered the headphones were missing. All that remained was the jack and some bare wires. Is that it? Yeah. Wow. So his brother nicked his headphones.

Is that the story? We don't know whether his brother was involved, but possibly. Brilliant story. I assume someone crept in in the night and stole his headphones. But it could have been a ghost. Maybe it's our first dead Yogpod listener, you know? What do you mean? A ghostly Yogpod listener. If he was listening to his iPod with the headphones on,

maybe the headphones turned into ghostly headphones so he could hear, and that's why they disappeared. Ah. But... Don't argue. I don't get it. All right, all right. Don't argue, just accept it.

Just accept it, okay? All right. So there we are, that's all the... If you're a ghost, that's all the emails and stuff we've had. You can contact us by floating over our heads as we sleep and gently caressing our face.

You're listening to the Halloween Yogpod. Spooktacular. I don't know what that is. It's like a ghost, a vampire, just everything. It's a vampire ghost. There's a long email from someone called Caroline May. Oh, okay. Who's a fan of the Yoggpod. Oh, a girl. It's a bit long. Is she the crazy

Spanish one? No, no, no. Portuguese one. Oh, Portuguese. Okay, okay. Sorry if you're listening, crazy Portuguese lady. Sorry. Sorry, I didn't mean that. Most of it is like, things like, just useless stuff that people put in emails for no reason. Like, hello, I was going to attempt to type an email that did not put me across as some mental Yogpod fan.

But then I thought, the mere fact that I was writing an email seemed to imply that. It's true, it's a good point. Do you know what I mean? That sort of sets the scene for the rest of the rambling, insane true. It's a good point. Do you know what I mean? That sort of sets the scene for the rest of the rambling, insane email. It's kind of like the emails that I send to Richard Herring or Mike David. It's kind of like, hello, I am not crazy. You have to say that when you talk to somebody

that you've never talked to before, but you hear them over the internet? I think she posted some comments and stuff on our videos and YouTube pages and as a result one of our even stranger listeners has subscribed to her

channel. Oh right, she's got a channel. Is she pretty? I don't know whether she probably is, but I don't know whether she's like What are you talking about? Let's check. I don't know whether she probably is, but I don't know whether she's like... What are you talking about? Let's check. I don't know which one it is. Anyway, let's not go there.

This isn't... I just want to know if she's pretty. That's all. Maybe she can contact you on datecraft, Simon. Yeah, yeah. Or she could float over my head as i sleep gently caress my face um gently caress your face so so what does she what does she have to say oh just just i'm not crazy um some her head teacher Had told the school

That Billy Piper Was going to come And do her A levels At the school But she never actually did Oh no Which is a Real heartbreaker

Isn't it I went to school With With Neil Warren Yeah That's right Who's that Is that the Hobbit

He's not famous He's just a friend I don't talk to him anymore I don't think I've talked to him since Since we were 18 Okay, what are you talking about? 13 years ago So you went to school with this guy

But you've not spoken to him and he's not famous I'm just name dropping Someone who isn't famous Brilliant, Thank you. Susan Beecham, I went to school with as well. Famous. Is she heir to the Beecham's cough remedy fortune? No, no.

This is the Beechams from Bledington. Oh, the Bledington Beechams. Oh, yes. Of course. Is there any more Halloween-y sort of stuff we could possibly... This is such a rambling podcast. It's just bouncing back and forth between... A lot like everyone that we've done.

No, most of them have some degree of structure and aren't just half an hour of us bouncing back between trying to think about Halloween. They kind of are though, aren't they? They kind of are. I went to a wedding. Did I tell you about the wedding that I went to? Yeah, you caught swine flu. I thought I caught swine flu, but I didn't actually. One of my friends had swine flu and was sneezing everywhere.

And I was feeling really bad for like a day, and I thought I might have caught it, but in fact, I'm feeling a lot better. So you're not dying at all? I mean, that wasn't really the main thing about the wedding. That was a close call. So, if you... We should... not dying at all. I mean, that wasn't really the main thing about the wedding. That was a close call. Phew!

So, if you... This is going off on a tangent again. If you were a ghost, what kind of ghost would you be? Well, that's a difficult one. You mean, if I... I'd be like a vengeful ghost. Like, I'd kill people.

I'd like... What? I'd, like, murder people that I didn't like when I was alive. Who'd wronged me. So what happened? You've been wronged? Oh, God. I wouldn't, like, be a nice ghost.

I wouldn't, like, be Casper. I wouldn't be, like... I'd be a... I mean, if I had to be brought back from the dead, there would be a damn good reason for it. You know? Like, I was be a... I mean, if I had to be brought back from the dead, there would be a damn good reason for it. You know? Like, I was killed, or... I'd go around righting the wrongs and stuff.

I'd be like a Lone Ranger-style ghost. You'd be the ghost of the Lone Ranger. Only you'd, like, kill all of your friends. Yeah. Because you're, like, psychotic, and you think you've been wronged somehow. I wouldn't kill all my friends, dude. I'd only kill, like, bad people. I wouldn't kill all my friends, dude. I'd only kill bad people.

I'm like a vigilante ghost, that's all. Are you expecting to be murdered? Well, no, I mean, you're suggesting... Are you expecting to be murdered? Because that's kind of what it sounds like. Wait, what? So you have to elaborate on the story unless you want me to just tell you the circumstances.

Okay. So let's just say that you get murdered by someone. Someone you know kills you and they get away with it. They get away with it. They make it look like an accident.

So, a chandelier falls on your head or something. But it turns out that he was undoing the screws. He or he was undoing the screws. He or she was undoing the screws, and so it fell on you. Right, okay. And you come back from the dead as a spirit,

and you're angry, you're vengeful. So how are you going to go about getting your revenge and righting the wrongs? Well, it depends how much power I have as a ghost. So what kind of much power I have as a ghost. So what kind of powers do I have? What kind of powers are feasible that you would like as a ghost that would help you in your quest? I mean, for example,

am I stuck to a certain location? Like the immediate area to where I died? Do I have to walk everywhere? Can I fly? I mean, obviously I can go through walls and no one could see me uh unless i like push no hang on i can't put a sheet on psychic people would be able to see you right so nothing would be able to see me that's good yeah and you could talk to them

and you could pass on messages that no one would believe so okay um kind of think ghost you're patrick swayze and you find a crazy person who is um whoopi goldberg i've not seen ghost what if i'm your whoopi goldberg i've not so what happens in the film ghost i mean i this is a really difficult question couldn't couldn't i just like why are we why are we choosing ghosts Say okay You're a ghost I'm a psychic You're a ghost because it's Halloween You're a ghost I'm a psychic

And you want to pass on a message What message would you like to pass on That I could tell people The thing is though Whatever you said they wouldn't believe They just think you're a complete nutbag No one would believe it. People who are in mourning, who are very emotionally fragile, will believe these kind of things.

They won't. They won't. My mum is like a scientist. You've seen cold readings and things. He's got a degree in science. I mean, my parents don't believe in this stuff. They won't believe you if you tell... Whatever you say, they won't believe you.

What if you pass on a message? You say there was a message from the dead. It's something that only you and your parents know. They still wouldn't believe you. I mean, it would have to be really damn good. So how would I know? Okay, well, what would it be then? What would that message be?

Some, like, deep, dark secret. No, it doesn't have to be a deep dark it could just be oh and don't put too much cinnamon in your banana bread oh remember that time on south end beach when a jellyfish bit me stung lewis's willy and his mother his mother Had to piss over his Whoa whoa whoa I think that's an urban legend as well Propagated by friends It's the acid that's in urine

It helps to soothe the pain The dumbest thing ever So I would do it to you If you were stung I would just whip it out in a second And just start I would be drinking as I was a second. I would be drinking as I was urinating so I could keep going.

I'd just have this big jug. You are disgusting. Oh, poor Lewis. You've been stung on the face. Never mind. I'll sort this out. What the fuck, Simon? For God's sake. Oh, God.

Such a convoluted, like, messed up story. It's just not going to happen, is it? Ghosts. I mean, we've talked about this before, but I'm, like, totally sick of the stereotypical supernatural shit that people will just accept as real. You know, like... Vampires are real, Lewis.

Vampires. God. And werewolves and... I knew a girl who was a vampire. Did you? Yes. She wore black and she would bite me. That's a vampire.

That's all it is. That's a vampire. They wear black and they bite people. That's what they do. The whole undead thing is usually a pretty crucial part of it and the fangs. No, it's a virus.

Vampirism is a virus, Lewis. They're not dead. It's a virus and also they're not allergic to garlic and crosses don't work on them but they can't walk over running water. Which is a bit of an awkward

thing to have because it means that they can't cross any bridges. It's quite terrible. If you're driving and you've got GPS, if you're a vampire you're going to have special vampire GPS sat nav. Vamp nav. So it redirects you around rivers. But I think

that would be a real problem In reality Because there would be a whole lot of places That vampires can't go Because rivers pretty much cover Everywhere And how do you define a river? I mean there's like underground

Water supplies constantly everywhere And I mean every town is built on a river They'd be like completely screwed all the time They'd never be able to go anywhere. A lot of vampires live in the desert. That's why you don't see them because they got to be away from the running water What? I mean some of these... That's why you don't see them Also the moon

They're on the moon because there's no running water. There's frozen water Well, there might not be but there's no running water So There's frozen water. Well, there might not be. But there's no running water. So you have lots of vampires on the moon wearing, like, helmets. I like the way you just threw that in. There might not be. Yeah, it's like... There might not be vampires.

There's no scientific consensus whether there's water on the moon. Well, there's definitely no running water. Well, actually, it's hardly like there is water on the moon. There's no garlic, either. Yeah, I could part. There's no garlic, either. Yarkpod. I am a robot ghost. Woo! Woo!

I am a robot ghost. Woo! You are listening to Yarkpod. Woo! That's terrible. That's terrible. Do you know what my mother said to me the other day? No My mother said I've come up with the perfect murder

And I'm sorry She says yeah I've been thinking about it And I've come up with the perfect murder Right okay So she's been watching a lot of CSI, she's been watching a lot of Mors. I'm going to have a leg of lamb, a frozen leg of lamb,

and I'm going to hit your father over the head with it, and then we'll cook the lamb for dinner. Okay, I think that's been done before, hasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I said, I'm sure that's like an Agatha Christie. That's it. And she was like, oh yeah, probably.

But that's how I'm going to do it. I was like, oh, okay. So, okay, so what's she going to do with the body? Well, she'll say like a burglar came in or something, I guess. And they'll go, oh, but what about the murder weapon? And she'll go, oh, I don't know about any murder weapon. Do you fancy some lamb stew, officer? Smells good.

And he'll go, oh, thank you. It's lovely. And she'll have this big smirk on her face as he eats it. The thing is, that's fine, isn't it? If you want to kill your direct spouse. Your direct spouse. Not to be confused with an indirect spouse.

But what if you wanted to kill someone else? Okay. I mean, the thing about your spouse is they live in the house with you, you're going to be under suspicion, aren't you, from the start, and you want to have to kill them in the first place. What if you wanted to kill someone you hate, who's wronged you? Gordon Brown. Say you want to

kill Gordon Brown, assassinate him. What you do is, you're at a political rally or something, and he's there, he's giving a talk or whatever. What you do is you creep up behind him with a frozen leg of lamb you whack him on the back of the head you run off and then you roast

the lamb and then you serve it all the secret servants come and say excuse me I'm pretty sure I just saw you kill the Prime Minister and you say no it wasn't me officer would you like some stew okay killing the Prime Minister is something that we shouldn't really talk about because

it's terrible, it's terrible, it's terrible treason. But also, I mean... We'll be arrested. He would be a very... I'm talking about like Dexter level of killing, you know? Dexter obviously plans murders and gets away with them, but...

He plans, he goes to the butchers early in the morning buys that leg of lamb takes it home puts it in the freezer murder here i think i think i read something about like the perfect murder and stuff on on sa at some point and it was pretty much that the problem is is both not being the last person seen with them and disposing of the body so that there's almost nothing that remains so there's no evidence that they've even been killed um dexter does that by he did that by like throwing bin bags with their corpses in into like the the ocean and like and then they were all found but they eventually found all that so that didn't work out too well did it but his idea was to throw them down like a deep

ocean ridge you know but that's a bit difficult to hit you know so he ended up with quite a lot of them just sort of being on the edge but also if you're a vampire you probably couldn't do that to your victims you couldn't throw them in the water because it's all running water the other way of... I mean, I guess they're strong vampires, so they could probably throw the body quite a distance. What are you talking about? Where have vampires come into it again?

Why are we talking about vampires again? Because it's Halloween. We have to talk about vampires. So you've got a vampire serial killer... You're talking about murder. That's quite a scary subject. He's a vampire serial killer. He's killed his latest victim and to dispose of the body

he wants to throw it into the sea. But the sea is running water so he can't, you know, get on a boat because that's not allowed. Because otherwise he... I don't know what happens to him.

I mean, how does running water work? I don't know how that works. He gets seasick. He gets seasick. That's what it means. I mean, if you flush... If? I don't know how that works. You get seasick. You get seasick. That's what it means. I mean, if you flush the loo, for example, if you flush the loo and you're standing near it... Well, so long as you're not sitting on it as you flush,

I think it's fine. So if a vampire flushes the toilet when he's sitting on it, he'll just, like, go poof. Who flushes the loo as they're sitting on it you get like water splashing up on your arse nobody would do that that's ridiculous

some people might like that oh it's like they it's also a b-day as well as a toilet it doubles up yeah nothing nothing

that's far less disgusting than some of the things you've said today so what the hell yeah so the perfect murder because there was remember there was Far less disgusting than some of the things you've said today. So, um... What the hell? Yeah, so the perfect murder. Because remember there was that guy who got rid of his victims

by dissolving them in acid, didn't he? Yeah. Or something. And he got found out because their teeth didn't dissolve when he poured them down the drain. The teeth were left on the drain. I think Jeffrey Dahmer did that.

I'm not sure whether that's true or not. I mean, I think it would be quite difficult to get hold of the acid, you know, these days. Where do you buy it from? You can't really buy it very easily or make it. Boots. Get a boots. Hello, I'd like a vat of acid, please. Do you reckon they deliver it to your house like a

sofa, you know, you have to sign for it? It's buy three for the price of two on Bats of Acid. But I mean, the thing is, if you were doing it like that, it's difficult. I think if you wanted to just murder one person or something who's really been getting on

your nerves, then it's probably easier than if you were like a serial killer, you know. I think, if you're gonna... What's our general advice here on murder? We're not going to give any general advice. Don't commit murder, for God's sake. Don't kill anyone. Certainly don't kill the Prime Minister.

Because if you kill the Prime Minister and then you say, the Yoggpod, I was listening to them, and they said, kill the Prime Minister with a leg of lamb, we could get into trouble for that. Don't throw any lamb-based products at the Prime Minister. If you do kill the Prime Minister with a leg of lamb. So don't do that. Don't throw any lamb based products at the

Prime Minister. If you do kill the Prime Minister with a leg of lamb, if you do it though, if you do it, don't mention us.

Keep us out of it. Just don't mention the odd pod. Okay, okay. It'll be our little secret. Our little

secret. Shhh. We here in Britain have a very similar well not a very similar thing but another festival very shortly after Halloween which is often sort of overshadowed by Halloween because it's so early. It's November the 5th, Guy Fawkes night.

Fireworks night. And you know we make a much bigger we used to make a much bigger deal of that in Britain than Halloween but because it comes so quickly after Halloween, it kind of gets forgotten, doesn't it? Yeah. In fact, I forgot. Even though there's the little rhyme,

remember, remember the 5th of November, I forgot. I forgot. Gunpowder, treason and plot. How does that go? That's it, that's the whole rhyme. Oh. But...

I don't know if there's anything happening because I'm supposed to write about events and I've completely forgot that the 5th of November was coming up. So where does... God damn. Where does that all come from? I mean, where does Halloween come from?

I mean, we know that Americans won't but we celebrate Guy Fawkes night because It was the night that which Some people tried to blow up the houses of parliament And they got found out And if they had succeeded it would have like You know blown them to the ground or something And it's all a bit sort of

We can read it on Wikipedia It's quite an interesting little tale Of ancient Britain yeah Halloween is from like I don't know how it's pronounced but it's Samhain it's Irish so it's not going to be anywhere

nearly pronounced like that it's the end of summer and I think they used to have bonfires and stuff to like chase away the darkness and to like celebrate the end of the summer. I mean Halloween is like All Hallows Day, it's the day before All Hallows Day, it's All Hallows Eve, sorry, and Hallows Day is the day of the saints, which is November

the 1st. It's weird because you have like a really ancient festival and then it's just picked up by people as time goes by so it's connected to you know the saints quite recently even though the original festival's got nothing to do with the saints well that's what happened with christmas though isn't it because christmas originally used to be like the celebration day of mithras which was like the religion that was going around before christianity but because everyone was celebrating on that day it gradually got you know accepted and and like adopted by christmas as like jesus's birthday and stuff on whatever whatever it is. I mean, I guess Thanksgiving is like the next

thing coming up, which we don't even fucking celebrate. We've got nothing to be thankful for. Oh god, yes. I'm not even sure what that's for. Isn't that something to do with the Pilgrim Fathers or something? Yeah. Who were like the first people that arrived in America?

Yeah. I think they were going to be killed or something by the Indians and the Indians kind of let them go and because of that that's what they're giving thanks for I don't think that's right at all

I think that's totally wrong I think it was originally some religious festival for them it was like because they were like a specific I mean, they originally came to America to escape religious persecution from Britain, didn't

they? They had like, they believed like weird stuff. And I think it was some sort of sacred day to them which is, I don't know, it's some strange, something strange. Maybe we should research this before we talk about it for the next podcast maybe someone can let us know some american can tell us why you like halloween and stuff and we should just talk about the british one man we should

talk about this should be like a fireworks night special not a halloween special oh it's too late now it's too late we've already done like four ha Halloween specials. Do you know what I mean? In one year. And we've totally forgotten the British one. Damn it. I mean, we should talk about Fireworks Night. I mean, have you got any good memories of that?

Not really, no. I remember one time, Fireworks... No, Fireworks Night's great. I've got a good friend called Dave, who is like, a bit of a wild, wild boy, Dave,

and, he's the guy who tasered you, isn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and, he's a really,

really nice guy, and one, I think this was, he was, this was when we were about 15 or 16, you know, quite, kind of wild and stuff,

and, we went round his, his house and fireworks stuff so i think his parents had gone to like a bigger thing and david managed to get hold of a whole bunch of like proper display fireworks okay because he was a bit of a nutter oh fuck and basically what we did was one of them was like a sort of 4,000 gun barrage okay and it looks like imagine a wheel of cheese okay but about three or four foot across okay and about a foot deep okay so what it looks like is imagine a whole 4,000 tubes like in all next to each other all like wrapped together in a big wheel okay so we basically just

clamped this thing into his workbench his dad's workbench in the garden and we all stood max max range which was about 10 yards okay because the garden was pretty fucking small so it was like my god me michael chapman uh dave um and a couple of dave's friends like graham and some other guy and we sort of just clamped this display firework in the garden lit it and it just went absolutely mental it went mental i mean the workbench was like flying up off the floor. There were fireworks being fired out in all directions. We just all legged into the house. It almost set like a tree on fire. It was a disaster. It was an absolute...

It was so scary. It was just like a bomb was going off in our garden. It lasted about five minutes. He could have died. It was terrifying. And the thing is is he didn't just have that he had tons and tons more and you know after the initial shock that of that had worn off you know we set up the rest of them which were these some of them were crazy rockets and

some of them were like you know things that just exploded and after we finished them all um dave wanted to get rid of all the evidence so like his you know his dad wouldn't find out that he brought all these fireworks so the plan was to burn them all

okay on a bonfire threw them in a sea but unfortunately Dave is a vampire put them in a bag so we got like a metal

one of those metal bins you know like like a metal grated bin and metal bins You know like Like a metal grated bin And we put all the fireworks in and we lit them And we were all sort of So we put them all in and we lit them And it was all fine right It was fine and we thought right

This is all getting rid of And it was quite cold So we were all kind of fairly close to this You're huddling around Bonfire bin And Occasionally kind of fairly close to this boring bonfire bin. And occasionally a loose firework

would fire out of the bin. Okay? From one of the ones that hadn't gone off. And it would just scare the living shit out of us. Oh man, those were good times. we were very drunk as well like shouldn't really have been could have worked that out yeah good times good times that was a

really good fight i mean that's that's one that stands out in my memory because a lot of the time i'm pretty sure i'm pretty sure the instructions on fireworks say you know light the blue touch paper and you know return to a safe distance. Not throw them all into an aluminium bin and set fire to them en masse. And then stand around it as you're like mashed off your face. It's like, do not return to a lit firework. There's all these rules. In retrospect, it was very dangerous and foolhardy, and I would recommend no one did such a thing ever again. I wish I was exaggerating that story as well. It was really

mental. You really could have all died if it blew up and had a firework in your face. I mean, the workbench was totally destroyed as well. I mean, I've not really played around with fireworks. I usually just have a sparkler, just a little sparkler and I have to wear a glove to hold that because I'm careful. That's it. And I usually have like a toffee apple or something in the other hand. So I've got a toffee apple and a sparkler. I've got my mittens on. This is me at 31, not me as 12. You're in heaven. That's all you need, isn't it?

So there we are. That's the end of this Yoggpod. I hope you enjoyed it. Please email us at yoggscast at gmail.com Lewis reads every email

don't you Lewis tell your friends about us otherwise we'll curse you and your willy will turn black and fall off goodbye bye bye take care now don't have nightmares

now that's a good ending.