Triforce! - YoGPoD 24: Christmas at Poundland

Episode Date: December 23, 2009

Happy Yogmas, and a very yoggy New Year to you all! Thanks for listening to our podcast this year, so here's a special episode we threw together for you. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hello, man. It's me. How are you doing? Hello, Lewis. Are you around? Well, I'm in Kingston. Right.

I'm in a pub that I can't remember the name of. A pint of beer Costs two pounds Sixteen pence Here Okay Can you fucking Believe that That's quite a lot

I just wondered Whether you'd be back At all Because We need to Bookend this podcast Oh right Okay

Do you want to Just do it now Maybe I'll record this Over the phone Yeah Okay What do you want to just do it now? Maybe I'll record this Over the phone? Yeah Okay, what do you need me to do? Well, I mean ideally Just

What's Christmas? Merry Yognath And a very, very Happy Yogi New Year Thank you very much To you sir, definitely Okay Merry Christmas Year Thank you very much To you sir, definitely Merry Christmas Thank you so much

This is going to be a Christmas podcast It's going to be short but sweet Very sweet Like honey Love you You too Bye Bye

Hello and welcome to bye bye hello and welcome to TTT you're a fool you're a fool you're a fool you're a fool you're a fool

you're a fool you're a fool you're a fool So, Simon, have you done all your Christmas present wrapping and everything? Uh, not really. All I've done is I've just bought chocolates for my family from ASDA, and I'm just going to hand over the boxes of chocolates and go, there you go. You're not going to wrap them up? No, it's a waste of resources. They're already wrapped up in their own packaging. You have to wrap them up.

I'm thinking of the planet. Well, what do you mean they're already wrapped up in their own packaging? As opposed to, like, you taking all the chocolates out of a box of chocolates in your hand, and then handing it over to someone. It's like that advert for coffee. Sorry. Kenko. They just carry around the grains, you know, granules of coffee

everywhere in their hands. I've not seen that advert. We tried to get rid of 100% of our packaging, but in the end, we stuck to 98%. Because instead of it being in a glass jar, it's in a weird kind of bag. You get a bag of coffee.

Oh, do you? I think it's Joanna Lumley. There's the voiceover. You've been watching a lot of telly recently have you Since you've moved Bits and pieces Something that drives me mad Is the fucking Bailey's adverts

With some woman's mouth And she's singing Oh yeah yeah I gotta have coffee I love my coffee And she sings some Christmas song In the latest one I can't remember what it is

I like Bailey's man So That's So I mean How many boxes of chocolates Have you bought in total She sings some Christmas song in the latest one. I can't remember what it is. I like Baileys, man. So, I mean, how many boxes of chocolates have you bought in total? About 47. I mean, what, is it just for your immediate family? So your parents and your siblings or whatever? And they're all the same. They're all milk tray, every single one. I got 47 boxes of milk tray.

God, how many? For £5 each. How many people have you bought them for? Jesus, that's a lot of money isn't it that is a lot of money it's like 250 quid well you know there's my mom my dad my uncle my aunt my nan my cousin uh i mean we've heard a little bit about some of your relatives like your uncle who's the farmer. Is he getting the milk tray? My uncle the farmer? What? Yeah, the one of your uncles who's got a really strong farmer accent. Oh, right, Bill.

Oh, God. I don't know if I'll see Bill. He's not getting a milk tray, then. I don't know if he's still alive, to be honest. He might have died at some point. Right. That's lovely. That's just what I wanted to hear on the christmas season uh i don't

know man he might be dead i just i haven't seen him in years he might have died years ago for all i know you do realize that you can go and buy like christmas wrapping paper for like 50 pence from the pound shop sorry a pound from the pound shop. That was a stupid mistake. 50 pence from the 50-pence shop. Yeah, well, you can get two for a pound from the pound shop. Do you know what I mean? It's not expensive, dude, to go and buy it. What I don't like, right, is in England, in the UK, I should say,

we have the pound shop. But in America, they have dime stores. I mean, what the fuck? How much is a dime worth? It's ten cents. Is it? That's nothing. So it's like 5p. What could you get for 5p?

Like a chewy cola bottle with a big one. They used to be called penny sweets, but they're not anymore. They're dime sweets what else could you buy for a for 5p dime bars

rubber band it's a variety store the wikipedia article is very oh god throughout europe there's 99

cent paradise in ireland there's Euro 2, Pound World and Euro World. Here in the UK, we've got Poundland, Pound World and 99p stores. Poundland. Poundland. That's where I went last week.

Yeah, that's where I got all my Christmas shopping from. All my wrapping paper and my bows and my... The thing is, this is a bit late because people if we're talking about this people will have already done this everyone who's listened to this will have already done all their Christmas shopping it's good because they can associate with us they can empathise with the podcast

and they're like oh yes I have bought observational humour I bought all my Christmas shopping weeks ago had it all wrapped up from the pound shop Humour I bought all my Christmas shopping Weeks ago Had it all wrapped up From the pound shop I bought like some little bows

And some little Bows? You know those stick on bows That you get Is that a present for someone? Here I bought you some bows No like What they

Those little Little They look like little flowers Made of ribbon You know And you like Pop them on top of a present. Oh, so it looks like you've tied a really posh bow.

But in actual fact, it's like a pre-made... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so ridiculously, like, pre-made that it just doesn't look like you would ever have even tried to make it yourself. Yeah. One of those. So, you know, you can get all that stuff from Poundland, man. It's great. I was in Poundland with my nan, right?

And she... It's like heaven to her, you know? You can get, like, things, if anything is in there, that you would normally consider to be less than a pound. Like toothpaste or something. You know, it's two for a pound. You know? So it's just heaven for her.

What if something's more than a pound? Do you get say Half a jar of really big mayonnaise For a pound No you get like a jar of mayonnaise From Romania It's like called Instead of Heinz mayonnaise

It would be like Hone's I was trying to think of something really expensive That you would buy at the pound shop, and the best I could do was a really big jar of mayonnaise. Well, I mean, they sell all sorts of stuff. Like, they sell DVDs.

There's a DVD section, unbelievably. What? Are they a pound? Yeah, of course they are. It's a pound land. Holy shit. Oh, these are like direct to DVD Really bad horror and thrillers Yeah they're the worst collection

Of DVDs and like Mission Impossible 2 Is in there and stuff as well It's not a bad movie I really like the first Mission Impossible That's my absolute favourite I didn't really like the first one Anyway Pound Shop man

You can get anything there though Like crazy stuff like I didn't really like the first one Anyway Pound Shop man I mean they just have like You can get anything there though Like crazy stuff Like screwdriver sets and stuff They're a pound Torches Batteries Can you get change?

What do you mean change? Change Can you get like two 50 pence pieces for a pound? Er Five 20 pence pieces for a pound I think you need to go next door to the arcade and use one of those machines. When was the last time you went into a video

game arcade, Simon? A long time. A long, long time. In the mid-90s, probably. Very probably, yes. Because I went, obviously my nan lives in Claxton, and it's like a seafront town with a pier and all this stuff. And they've still got a lot

of arcades. A lot of these arcades with these mostly ancient games in the front. You know, like these really old style arcade games where you get two P's. You know, you put the two P's in and they fall down and you try and get the two P's to push

off the other two P's. Yeah, because what it's... I don't know if people... How would you describe this to people who don't know what it is? It's kind of like little plasticky cliffs inside of a game thing. Cliffs. So you've got like a glass front, and you've got like little cliffs that move backwards and forwards.

That's right. And precariously balanced on the edge of these cliffs are just coin after coin after coin. And you drop down money into the machine and it may push those coins off the edge. The thing is, you'll end up putting like a pound's worth of 2p, you know, 2 pence pieces into it. And when it knocks off some from the edge, you might get, say, 20p back.

I mean, I don't really understand why people are so excited about it, because it's just fucking small change. I know. It's money that I don't even carry around. Exactly. I don't carry around two pence pieces. No. What's the fucking point? What do you do with them then? I've got, right here in my hand, right, it's on my desk,

I've got two pence pieces, two two pence pieces, and wedged between them is, um, some gum that I chewed, and I didn't have a tissue or anything to put it in. Right. So I got, out of my pocket, I got these two two-pence pieces

and I just sandwiched the gum between them so it wouldn't get stuck inside my pocket. That's how much I value four pence. Four pence. I mean, what can you buy with four pence? Do you know what that reminds me of, though? That doing that reminds me of using chewing gum to stick two one-piece together

and then putting it into a can machine and trying to trick it into thinking it's a pound. Oh my god. Do you remember doing that? No. So maybe your two two-piece is actually worth two pounds if you find a crappy can machine from 1995. It's quite thick.

Or an arcade game. It might work on that as well. That's your tip of the day there. I mean, these ancient arcade machines that push these two peas down the cliffs. I mean, we'll have to find a picture of it somewhere so people who don't know what the fuck we're talking about.

Which is probably all of our audience. So they actually know what it is. They're all Americans and Europeans. They don't understand. You go to one of these arcades with your nan and she gets out like, you know, ten 2Ps or whatever. You put them in, you get a couple of 2Ps back.

You put them in, you get a couple of 2Ps back. And she won't leave the arcade until she's lost all of her 2Ps. You know, that's the goal for my nan, is to spend all your 2Ps. Not to win anything. It's just a slow way to spend them. No, but the thing is, I can't imagine that that entire machine has more cash in it than about £3, if worth of 2Ps.

Could you imagine if some armed robbers just ran into the arcade and they just smashed... And they had like... 2P machine open. They got these huge bags. They just scooped it all into a massive sack. With swag written on the side. That would be so fucking

heavy. When they empty that machine at the end of the night, you know, it can't... They can't make a profit. I mean, it must spend about 50p of electricity keeping it going during the day. It naturally empties though, doesn't it? Into people's pockets, yeah. So how are the price... How much money do you think the arcade would

make from that? I don't know. It's just for, like, crazy old nans. Whilst their grandsons and granddaughters play... Tech N3 or whatever. You know, proper video games. House of the Dead 2. They play the proper games. Nan's kept busy with some fucking

Victorian era arcade game. Oh, man. And there's the other game there as well. Do you remember the one with the horse racing where you bet on which horse is going to win? And the horses whir along and do a little race. Is this something from My Chartered?

But you bet like, it's like a very primitive horse race betting game with plastic horses on a track and there's like slots around the machine and what you do is everyone stands around the machine and puts in two peas

and then presses the button for the horse that they think is going to win and then it says, stop policing your beds and then it starts and the horses run and you know it goes green wins and then whoever wins gets like four p back from their original two-piece steak brilliant brilliant oh they were horrible they're so fucking lame and i swear they were horrible They're so fucking lame And I swear they were fixed I swear I would never ever win

It's not exactly big money is it You know I mean Do you reckon you have to have a gambling licence To have one of those machines Installed in your pub or something I lost a lot of money on those Horse betting machine things I put a lot of money on those horse betting machine things. I put a couple of badgers on it.

Oh, God. That's a reference to something we did before, isn't it? Wow. We're going back. We're going way back now. Oh, man. Oh, this time machine. So, I mean, we're coming to the end of our first year.

It's almost like we're doing a review. Of doing a podcast. Because we started the Oh, this time machine. So, I mean, we're coming to the end of our first year. It's almost like we're doing a review. Of doing a podcast, because we started the podcast in February this year. Jesus.

Because, do you remember the first one we did was when it was all snowing? Part one. And it's snowing today.

There was no part two. No, because we never released it, did we? Oh, God. Well, this could be part two, kind of.

Okay, that's a good idea. It's very snowy. It's snowing again. There's a woman outside with a broom, and she's brooming away, sweeping away the snow. Brooming away, yeah. She's brooming it away. Wouldn't a shovel be better, love?

Seriously. What are you doing? Well... You're brushing snow. This one guy emailed us with a very long diary email. This is someone called Luggage. He says, Hi.

Since I had to go on a business trip last week That involved a fair amount of driving hours I thought to myself Hey, why don't I download all of the Yacht Pods there are And listen to them as a kind of marathon of madness Oh my god First off, right A listener of ours going on a business trip Does seem a little bit unlikely

Yeah, it does, doesn't it Business trip That sounds like, you that sounds like you know like you put a suit on professional yeah and to have drive like a mercedes you know across the country stay in hotels anyway he says i'm a relatively new listener to the yog pod so i haven't heard them all before i downloaded them all broke them up into nice five minute pieces because my car audio can only remember that amount. What?

What? His car audio can only remember that amount apparently. So, I don't know. It's a bit dodge. So he has to play in five minute little segments? Yeah. Well, no, I guess it's just to space them out by track number. So if he had to stop it

for some reason, he could get back to where he was more easily. See, that's a very common thing. In modern audiobooks, like I've been listening to Dan Brown's new book on audiobook and it's all in five minute files. So it's easy to find out where you were if you had to stop it, you know. Whereas having it as

one long two hour file is a real pain in the arse if you have to stop it and find out where you were, you know? I'm looking at my iTunes, right, and we've got 23 podcasts, right? In total, that's 15 and a half hours.

He had to listen to 15 and a half hours of this shit. How many five-minute segments is that? It's plenty. 180. It is. 180.

Yeah. It's taking him hours. Christ. This is just madness. Okay. I have agreed to report back on my experiences and any possible side effects. So here we go. Thursday 6am. He's written like a diary. Like a trip report. I hate getting up this early. It's December. It's still dark and it's cold outside.

But I have a nine hour drive ahead of me and need to arrive at my destination by 4pm. I get up, have a meagre breakfast and think to myself, hopefully it won't rain. Okay, are you liking it so far? This is incredible. I'm just going to carry on with this. I'm just going to carry on. Thursday, 7am. The sky lights up and I actually believe that it's going to be a nice drive. Driving undies on? Check.

Food? Check. Yoghurt pod collection? Check. I put all of my junk in the car and start the engine. I can't wait. I cannot wait. Are you excited? It's good. It's going to be a good trip. Driving undies. I don't have a pair of driving undies, but I sort of know what he's talking about, you know? You have a couple of pairs of underpants

That are preferred You just feel so comfortable when you wear them And they're really old as well That's a little bit strange But yeah sure sure It feels like I'm wearing nothing at all Nothing at all Okay

Stupid sexy yognor Thursday 7.05am. I stop to get gas. Simon and Lewis are talking about the British winter. And a discussion about a gender neutral term for snowman is going on. 7.15am. Auto barn ho. As my car is on the highway, the sun gets kicked in the balls by thick clouds, and rain starts almost instantly.

So much for the good weather. At least I have the Yoggpod snogged cast. I secretly hope that the rain will not stay rain and become snow. Aww. So he's driving through Germany, then? Yeah, I guess so, on the Autobahn. We don't really know, but he could be. Where else

do they have Autobahns? Just in Germany. Thursday, 10am. Almost three hours of the thickest rain I've seen all year make driving really hard. I can't see more than 50 metres ahead of me. Contrary to that, my horizon has been widened

quite a lot. The talented Tina Barrett, toaster bag dishes, awful drunken phone pranks, and the realisation that there are other people as musically untalented as me. While the two of you are doing the dragon quiz, I stop and drink some coffee. When do you think he's just going to have

some ill effects from this? He's just going to start bleeding from his ears, gibbering, scratching at his skin. He thinks there's insects underneath or something. I think that's already happened. I mean, just the whole downloading

it to your phone. Oh dear. You don't even have to listen. You've already infected. Thursday, 11.13am. I pass a Jaffa Cake truck and chuckle. Yeah, it's starting. Oh my god, he's hallucinating.

A Jaffa Cake truck? Delivering enormous shipments of Jaffa Cakes across Europe. Do you really think Jaffa Cakes have their own enormous trucks? Yeah, McVitie's lorry. As we call it over here. A lorry. I think that must be

a mirage, don't you? He's like in the desert of Yodpod. Instead of an oasis, he sees a lorry of Jaffa cakes. Thursday, 2.35pm. I reach my destination. Holy crap. Despite the rain, I am early.

Despite my hurting eyes And butt I keep sitting In my car And finish listening To the first Dungeons and Dragons Yacht pod

Brick is awesome 6.17pm During the drive To the hotel I pass a car With the licence plate S.I.P.S.69 What?

So, Sips. Sips. So he passes the car with the licence number Sips 69. I think he's seeing things again. He's gone deranged. Yeah, that is odd. Does this story

end with him stabbing someone in the heart in a conference room and then ripping his own eyes out? I don't know. It's a long way to go. He's, like, playing with entrails when the police find him. Like in the end of Paranormal Activity. Oh, no, you... Did you see the same Paranormal Activity?

Did you see the same ending that I saw, though? It didn't end like that, no. We're spoiling it for people who might want to see it now. Friday, 6am. Woken up to the Yogpod. Skip breakfast and hit the road. Tonight will be the company's Christmas party, and I

might as well be back early and get a little work done. 6.15am. Upon entering the car and starting it, my mood brightens tenfold. D&D Yogpod Part 2 comes on. This will be a good couple of hours. Friday, 6.40am. I stop to get gas. It's still early and I'm not ready for coffee. Instead, I buy a packet of Jaffa cakes and get back on the road. Damn you and your viral marketing techniques. So obviously what happened was he went into the petrol station and his eyes were just drawn to the orange and blue packaging.

Do you reckon Jaffa cakes are called something different in Germany? Kucken Sie Jaffa? No, probably not. No, probably not. Friday, 6.40am. Oh, I see. So he was on a business meeting, but he's not actually telling us any information about it at all.

He's keeping it all secret. So he's actually finished his meeting and he's now driving back to his work for the work Christmas party. So he's got another nine-hour drive. Good God. Poor man. So he's got eight... So what did we calculate?

Did we calculate 15 hours of Yoggpods and he's got approximately 18 hour drive. So he's well into the second D&D podcast by now which is going well. He seems to have lost his sanity slightly but I think

we're still going. There's no way that he was going to come out of this the same as he went in Friday 8am Honey you just finished

reading the last watch and I really enjoyed it great story Friday 9am the first Halloween special recorded in the midst of August

and now it's the middle of December brilliant just what I need. Curiously enough, I enter a bank of thick fog at about the same time this episode begins. The fog will stay with me for the rest of the trip.

Dun dun dun! That's a little freaky. Maybe it's not fog, though. Maybe he's entering Silent Hill or something. Was there a weird alarm that went off? Friday, 9.30am. Thinking about the Cowboy MMO,

I really wish you had thought of that creepy Undertaker that is always a part of every good Western. That would be a fun class to play. Or maybe the guy playing piano in the saloon. Yeah, man, I agree. That's a good class. I'd like to be an Undertaker in a Cowboy MMO. That would be cool. Get on to that, Blizzard Activision and people like that. If you listen to the podcast, get on with it!

Okay. Friday 10.30am The finale of D&D Part 3 I am really cracking up when you mentioned that Hannah's evil eye beam has melted the inside of the tower whilst the outside has remained frozen.

My car swerves out of its lane a little as I spaz out laughing. Oh my god. It's happening. It's starting to happen. Oh god! It's about to go off, isn't it? It's just going to be an accident

or like 12.30am. I wake up in hospital. Or, you know... No memory of the day before. I've written... I look through my notes. This is just a scrawl of weird writing.

Oh, God. It's just pictures of Tina Barrett eating Jaffa Cakes, like, wild-eyed. Friday, 12 to 15pm. Simon's honeydew impression of Miss Have-You-Got-Any-Dostoevsky causes another traffic-endangering moment. That was pretty funny, though. That was pretty funny.

I can understand that. Friday, 1.30pm. Almost perfectly timed with the most recent episode i arrived back in the office the weather these last two days has been totally crap i'm really glad i made the decision to take the entire yogpod library along you turned my trip into gold and i was a little sad that there are no remaining yogpods i can listen to despite what you may think your podcast offers more than mere entertainment the dynamic of randomly choosing topics and improvising is brilliant. Take the monster truck hoax or Simon's cheese story, for example.

I'll attempt to write a comprehensive one-sentence review for the Yogpod. Now. If you enjoy two witty British fellows constantly trolling each other whilst discussing some of the most fundable mental questions. Fund a fuck-shit bollocks. If you enjoy... Fund them some mental. They're bugging it up. It was a quite difficult sentence. Just keep going. It's fine.

Nobody will notice. Fundable mental questions of the information age. This podcast will blow your mind. To those about to yog, I salute you. Oh, now that I like. That I like.

What's that from? To those about to rock. Oh. ACDC. Well, there we are. Thank you, luggage, from wherever you are from. Germany, I guess.

Yeah. And I think that summed up the year of Yoggpod quite well hasn't it actually what we've done this year yeah he's done the work for us we don't have to go into that really cheers man cheers dude for that

donate to the Yoggpod thanks don't say that he got it all for free he got 15 hours you'd have to pay a lot for that if you were doing Thanks. Don't say that. He got it all for free. He got 15 hours. You'd have to pay a lot for that if you were doing Ricky Gervais' podcast, wouldn't you? Damn it.

Yeah, but I mean, you get what you pay for, to be honest. I mean, and this is free. So, exactly. It's true. We have damaged your brain.

So, I suppose that is a sort of compensation. So that's it from this quick Christmas podcast. Have a very Merry Christmas. We'll be back in the new year with more stuff. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. More videos. Ho, ho, you're a ho.

Please continue sending your crazy stories and stuff to yogscast at gmail.com. And you can also donate by PayPaling that address as well. Goodbye, everyone. Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Yes, thank you very much. You too, Simon. Bye.