Triforce! - YoGPoD 31: D&D2 - I'm Just Making A Camp Guys (Part 1)

Episode Date: May 21, 2010

This time, Lewis is the Dungeon Master - and Simon, Hannah, Sips and Mulchie must take their first steps into a brand new adventure which incidentally has neither dungeons nor dragons in it at all! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hey, what are you doing? Are you, um, are you, uh, are you being the dungeon master? Yeah, man. Lewis is master of the dungeons. This is pretty gay, guys. Pretty gay. Oh, God.

Oh, dear. Oh, it's going to be good. It's going to be good. It's going to be good and gay. Good and gay. Oh, yes. That's my favourite kind of good Welcome to the second

Yoggpoth Dungeons and Dragons adventure with an all new cast of characters Lewis is the dungeon master and Simon, that's me Hannah, Sips and Mulchie take their first steps into a strange land, seeking treasure and glory. Sit back and strap in for a non-stop thrill ride as we play D&D.

Okay, do you guys want to go through what characters you're playing? Oh, God. What their names are and everything like this. Hello, I'm Yozpoz, and I'm a halfling warlock that sounds a bit like Warwick Davis, but it isn't Warwick Davis, it's someone completely different. Okay. but it isn't Warwick Davis, it's someone completely different. I have the power of the stars and the astrology,

and I use it to wield the elemental powers of nature and space over my enemies. We don't even need anyone else in the party if he can do all that. Let's just watch him do it all. Basically, yeah. Hey, we'll just watch him do it all. Basically, yeah. Hey, we'll just watch him solo the whole thing. Can you do that in Dungeons & Dragons? Um, I don't know. Well, yeah, if you're like an amazing ninja,

but mostly you obviously need, like, support. Right. I am playing Maedawyn, which is an elf sorcerer from previous D&D. It's good to have a character from the old one along for the ride. Brick is off exploring pastures new with Barry at his side. I think Barry went into the Tomb of Horrors and I think he's still there. At the moment, actually. They're trapped in there forever. I don't know about any. At the moment, actually. God, they're trapped in there forever.

I don't know about any of the other characters, Simon. What might they be up to? Well, Dylan died. He made the ultimate sacrifice. What happened to Brick? Where did Brick go? We don't know, man. He's off somewhere.

Maedwyn, do you know where Brick's gone at all? No. What happened after you left the icy spire? I don't know, man. He's off somewhere. Maedwyn, do you know where Brick's gone at all? No. What happened after you left the icy spire? I don't know. Didn't Brick throw my cat off a lift, so I don't think we were on talking terms. God. Yeah, sorry about that. Okay, Mulch, are you here? Oh shit, hang on.

What was I supposed to do? Oh yeah, you're supposed to talk about your character. Are you here? No no no no, what was I supposed to do with regards to the mulchie when you came back? I'm supposed to text her. Oh, alright, well okay, we'll move on then. Sips? Hello Sips. Oh, yeah, hi, um, hang on two seconds here. Two seconds. Going amazingly well.

I can't remember any of my details. I'll just be like two minutes. Oh yeah, here I go. Hi. Hi everybody. Hi. I'm Dr. Caesar's Palace MD. I'm a Goliath. A tribal nomad

of the mountains. What else? I don't know. I'm a bard. You're a bard? Hang on. Yeah. Hang on.

Two seconds. A Goliath bard, Sips. Yeah. A Goliath bard? How? You're very charismatic. I've got a lot of charisma, yeah. And apparently a lot of wisdom as well.

Okay. And foes' attacks bounce off my stony hide as well. That's useful. It's good to have that. What you need. I'm pretty happy about that. Do you have any instruments? What do you play?

Or do you sing? How does it work? I don't have any instruments. I think I'm just going to be a singing bard. But I can make a campsite. Can you? So, yeah. That's very useful.

You guys are going to be really happy that I'm coming along. It says here in your character background that you're a cat burglar. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. It's here in your character background that you're a cat burglar. Oh yeah, I forgot about that. It's pretty useful too. Yeah, so you're a Goliath... How tall are you? Seven foot? Between seven foot two and seven foot four.

Right, okay. And I weigh between 290 and 320 pounds. Okay, that depends on whether you've eaten recently. Yeah. You're a big lad. But I have a light step, so, you know, I can... So you've created a lovely campsite

on a nice, ordinary sort of forest road. Yeah. And with you are your companions. Another important skill that I bring to the party is I'm a long jumper. Okay. If we need to do any jumping whatsoever, you just let me know.

And I'll be there. Okay. We will bear that in mind. Hey, guys. Mulchie is here. Hello, Mulch. Hello, Mulchers. Okay.

Do you want to introduce your character? Yep. My character is Mulchie, a doppelganger rogue who is a bit of a player. He used to be a gigolo, but he decided to give up on that and go adventuring. Is a doppelganger a kind of race? It is an enemy race, but my character is legal, so it's usually usually a monster race but he's gone from being evil to... You're one of the good guys, right? I'm one of the good guys.

We think. You think. There's not going to be any twists I hope. No there isn't. You'll tell me what to say right now. If anything happens. I'll be jumping out of there pretty quickly. That's my long jumping skill.

Right. So you've got this party. You've got a little halfling warlock, Simon. Hannah's made a win. Has she still got her cat, Bubbles? I think so. Okay, Bubbles as well is there. He's doing well. Is he grown up? Is he still a kitten? Or is he a fully fled cat? He's always going to well is there. He's doing well. Has he grown up?

Is he still a kitten or is he a fully fledged cat? He's always going to be a kitten. He's a spirit companion. He's always going to be a kitten. So he's never going to be able to do any combat. You had the opportunity there, Hannah, to make him into a decent unit. Now he's just a kitten forever. I thought the point was of it, it can't do any damage and it can't attack

anyway. Sips is a massive dude holding do you have a weapon Sips or do you just sing at people? Do you have a weapon? I think my songs are all I have. Okay, you're a giant giant man.

And Mulchie who's like a sneaky kind of roguey kind of character okay so you've had your your camp and you you walk down the road and over the trees you can see this this very high big tree which seems to have strange metal cages hanging off it and as you come closer you come to a sort of a clearing, which is a crossroads. The major road leads off towards... Are we on horseback for this?

No, you're just... I need to know. You're just heading along the road on foot. Okay, I'm just trying to get immersed here. I don't know what kind of situation would have arisen to join you all up. So what do you think brought you together? It's safer to travel the dangerous road as a group

because there are like bandits out there. There are dragons and evil spirits. So basically we're all cowards and we thought... You guys all caught me cat burglaring. You tried to rob us. Yeah.

So we got you, like, bound in the back of a cart. We were walking along and Sips just jumped at us from nowhere. Yeah. I'm seven foot two and I jumped out from a really small rock. Oh, God. Well, this is going to be an epic adventure, I can tell already. It's off to a really good start so far. So we tied you up, and you were in the back of a car, and then you made friends with us.

And you cooked us dinner. Because you needed a campsite. You sang us a song, Sips. You sang us a lovely song. Yeah, I was singing a song about campsites, and you guys thought that maybe I could conjure a campsite with my ritual spells. But you couldn't. You were just trying to trick us into thinking you could conjure a campsite, weren't you? No, I actually can. Hang on, let me just double check this. Pretty sure I've got a power here.

You can, you can, yes. So anyway, you're walking down the road, it's a nice fresh summer morning, and you see above the tree line this huge sort of stained black tree-like structure with cages hanging off it. And as you get closer a sort of a smell hits you and it opens out into a large crossroads and there's a large building which looks much like a trading post. There's only a few people milling around, but it's quite quiet. And the thing that really catches your eye is this enormous metal structure. Let me get this straight.

There's a tree-like structure and a building that looks like a trading post. I'm just going to hazard a guess here, but is it a tree and a trading post? No, no, no. The tree-like structure is black. And now as you look at it, you can see it's made of metal. And the branches are actually broad metal posts from which are hanging cages. And these cages are mostly holding decaying corpses, except for one of the lower ones which seems to have an old man in it

and he's sort of crying pathetically. So what do you want to do? I mean, do you want to have a just let me know what you think. Are we doing it in touch? I think now's as good a time as any to set up that campsite. That's all you're going to do.

Just keep setting up campsites. I think before we get started, before any major decision, I think you should just let me set up a campsite so that we can just, you know, think about it. Okay. I'm with Sips on this one. Because that's pretty much all I can do.

Okay, so you're making your campsite. Simon, you're going to get some... What are you going to do, just chill out? Sit down while Sips sets things up? I'm going to check out this weird crying old man in the cage I'm going to go with Simon and see if he needs a hug I'm clearly too busy setting up the camp I've got a rod

Hannah? I might poke him with my rod, my implement I'm going to go and watch that. Let's do the camp building. Okay. Sorry, what are you doing, Hannah? I'm going to go and watch Simon poke an old man with a stick. Okay.

As you move closer to the large tree, you notice several hobgoblins hanging around near the bottom, bickering with each other. Oh, God. And just arguing and they look quite threatening they've got weapons belted at their hips

and I haven't seen you approaching yet but you can certainly turn around if you don't fancy moving closer that's a cowardly thing to do I'm quite good at diplomacy so I think I'm going to Attempt to talk to the Hobgoblins

And see If something's wrong You go up to them You approach the Hobgoblins They don't draw their weapons as you approach And They say to you Not here, go away, criminal

Oh my god. They try and get rid of you. What kind of accent was that? I don't know, but it's terrifying. It's the hobgoblins. Where do hobgoblins come from? Are they Welsh or something? Morocco, apparently.

Meanwhile, the old man calls out in a sort of choked voice, Help me! I can't survive in here much longer! You should try and do the Deckard Cain voice for that. Oh my god. Warwick, is that you? Oh dear. Oh, whatever are we going to do? This seems a right pickle, doesn't it?

There's all sorts going on here. Hobgoblins, an old man... Oh boy. Hey, when's my turn? Do I get to do something soon? Or am I just... Make another camp. Next to the one you've already done. Oh man.

It turns out I'm wearing chainmail. You'll do what? I'm wearing some chainmail. And I have a wand, too. Oh. Sorry, what? I have a wand in one hand. And a shield in the other.

And a shield. A light shield. What's in my adventurer's kit? Open it up and have a look. This is your turn. You're just going, what have I got in here? And you're just rummaging through your pack. Yeah. Just put me down as rummaging for this turn. Yeah, you rummage in your adventurous kit.

You find all sorts of useful items in there. All the standard stuff you need to survive out in the cold. You know, backpack, bedroll, flint, steel, belt pouch, couple of sun sunrods, some rations, about 50 feet of rope and water skin. Hey, 50 feet of rope? Yeah, yeah. A sunrod is like a glow stick, basically, that you can, like a flare. Oh my god, a glow stick? Yeah.

So I'm raving. We're having a rave. A rave in a school. Simon. Just put me down as rave. A rave in a school. Simon. Just put me down as raving. A disco tech. Okay, so, I mean, Simon and Hannah and Mulchie, is there anything you want to do here?

I mean, these hobgoblins are looking at you quite threateningly and the man is pouring at the bars. Can we find out why he's a criminal, what he's done? Okay, you can shout to him. Aren't I standing quite close to him, though. Just shouting his face. How close is the old man to the hobgoblins?

Not that close. I mean, he's fairly... They're over on the other side of the tree. They've just sort of sat up on their fire. And they haven't approached yet. They're just looking over. So they're talking to Simon? Can't we just ask them? Sure, go on.

Why is he in the cage? What, what, why is he a criminal? Criminal, criminal, go away! Why is he Moroccan? I'm going to try my diplomacy on them. I'll talk to them. I, like, push Hannah to one side, and I say, let me take care of this.

What's your diplomacy skill? It's, um, I've got a 10 bonus to my role. Okay, let's roll in. Haven't you got to hear me say something first? Hang on a minute. So I've got a diplomacy of 10, but I didn't get a role. I am rolling, Hannah.

Behind the scenes. He's not rolling at all. He's not at all, he forgot. He forgot. I'm rolling, Hannah. Behind the scenes. He's not rolling at all. He's not at all, he forgot. He forgot. I'm rolling. You can try whatever you want, and I'll roll. But if there's no dice to roll, if you can't get any diplomacy from them,

I'll just say you fail. So I've stealthed off to the side. Go on, Simon. Oh, okay. That seems to be the problem. Hobgoblin looks at you in confusion, gestures to his blade, and then points at you. Okay. And draws his hand across his throat.

I think I see what he's doing there. Yeah. I think I see what he's doing. I'd like a shave, please. I think I see what he's doing. A lacquer shave, please. I remove my shirt and I sit down with my back to him, cross-legged on the floor. The hobgoblins no longer regard you as a threat and turn back to their bickering, and their bickering argument resumes.

They're ignoring you now. I want to go and talk to the prisoner. So they haven't seen me, they've only spoke to Simon and Hannah. So I went off to the side. And I'm going to go up to them and I want to say, So, what are you in here for? Oh, hello. Please help me. Help me.

Get me out of here. How high is the cage? About head height. You can probably unlock it if you know about that kind of thing. Yeah, what role do you need? I think it's thievery. I think that's right. Ten, bonus. You pass and the lock unlocks. But at the same time, the Hobgoblins look around again,

see you unlocking the door, and draw their swords and charge towards you. Oh shit,

son. And how long does it take them to reach me? Imminently. How much time do I

estimate? Imminently. You haven't even managed to lift the old man down yet. Okay, can I lift him down

Then draw my swords? No How many hobgoblins are there? Three Can I change shape, pretend to be the old man And start running away? Ooh Okay, so you're changing

Into the old man Even though he's standing next to you In the cage still. They won't know which one it is though. And then I'm going to bluff. Can I use bluff to make them think it's me? Okay. That's a good idea. See if that works.

Five bonus. Huh. Okay, so you change into the old man and the old man in the cage you quickly throw a cloak over him and run off at great speed towards the forest

the hobgoblins after a moment of confusion at their target vanishing pursue ignoring Simon and Hannah so yours pause you're sitting on the ground with your shirt off. What are you going to do here?

Well, it's becoming apparent to me. What? I thought it was my turn to do something now. Well, the thing is, Simon's reacting because he's actually close to this situation, so he has to do a reaction. Okay, I rubbed my eyes and do a double take. Okay, Hannah, what's your reaction to all this? Good move.

These hobgoblins that were briefly charging towards you but are now rapidly chasing an old man into the forest. Bearing in mind, the real old man is still in the cage. Well, bearing that in mind, can I lift the thing down? Yeah, certainly. You can help the old man down. He may have to... He may put his arms around you in the course of you lifting him down.

I'm not sure where you're going with this, but I'm scared. Does Maedawin recognise the old man? Oh god Oh my god As Maedawyn approaches the old man She recognises him from the town of Loudwater Where he used to be the assistant to the

The Who was he the assistant to? Can I remember? Meryl Lady Loudwater or something? I don't know Some woman Can I remember? Meryl. Lady Loudwater or something? I don't know. Some woman. Can you remember what he said, Simon?

He basically abused Hannah. He was an old man who wanted a hug. That wasn't nice. That was all. He just wanted a nice hug. He was a weird, dirty old man. Yeah. So anyway, the same weird, dirty old man is in this cage,

and you've rescued him. Or you can rescue him, that's just your option. No, no, I'm going to do a U-turn and walk back to the camp. Well, you should at least ask him why he's locked up first. I did, I did need an answer. Well, he's free now, he might be more responsive. Wait, I can't see them. What are you locked up for.

Seriously, who freed that monster? He's not coming into my camp. Can I put a magic force field around my camp? Do you have any ability that allows you to do that? I fucking hope so. Okay, so... So Hannah's striding away from the tree. Simon's still sort of staring there.

Your's Paws just chilling out on the ground, wondering what the hell's going on. And I'm running for my life. Disappearing into the trees and the hobgoblins are following. And Sips is just chilling out at his camp, which is in the middle of this sort of thing. I'm going to take the two sun rods out of my bag and break them. And then I'm going to sing a little song to lift some spirits. Okay. I think this is a good time for that.

Go ahead. Give us a little rendition of how it goes. Well. Body's love. Maybe Simon can do the thing. Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more.

Beautiful sips. Lovely. That was brilliant sips. What's going on now? Is anyone going to make any decisions to do anything? I want to hide in a tree. Okay. Well, Mulch, you're going to be out of action for a while

while you attempt to hide in the forest. I don't think anyone wants to take any ownership over this old man. So Hannah, Simon, Sips. I'm going to get up, put my shirt on and slowly walk towards

the forest where the hobgoblins and Mulchie have run off to. Except I'm not sure it's Mulchie where the old man's run off to. Right. So, okay. Well, what happens is that as you approach the forest, the three hobgoblins come back out of the forest and towards you,

and they've got their weapons sheathed again, and they're bickering with each other again but they're not really that interested they obviously couldn't be bothered to chase too far and they're just heading back to carry on have a bit of meat no one will notice that the man's gone missing anyway

so they just chill out I'm going to hand the real guy back into them for a reward. The real guy's already still in there. He's still in the cage. I thought somebody let him out. Very shortly they're going to... Oh, fuck me! We didn't even get him out! He can't get down. He's an old man. He's been in there for a long time.

We need to help him down. If he was that desperate to get out, he would have just flung himself out of there. I realise that the old guy. He would have just flung himself out of there. I realise that the old guy is clearly still in the cage and I attempt to keep the guards busy.

So you engage these three guards in chat, do you? Yeah. Actually, I'm going to use my acrobatic skill to make some

shapes and bust some moves. Maybe do a bit of freestyling. Okay, let's roll then. What's your acrobatics? It's three. I wouldn't call that skills. It's probably 20.

Oh, you rolled a 20! Your acrobatics skills... You dance, you do handstands You start doing those Those things that clowns do What's it called Where you put your hands On the floor

And you flip over And then you land on your feet And you do that Cartwheel Toppling or something No it's like Burpees Burpees

I'm doing burpees In front of the goblins The gobos So you're dancing In front of the goblins And they are entranced By this little man Who is dancing In front of them Andblins, and they are entranced by this little man who is dancing in front of them,

and their eyes and faces light up with joy, and they begin clapping along in a dance as you dance around them. This is amazing. So Hannah and Sip, you better not waste this opportunity, this destruction I'm providing. I'm going to use my cat burglar skill, which is, I don't know.

Okay. Level a million I guess, I don't know what it is. Yeah, you have a history as a cat burglar so you get extra bonuses to your thievery. Oh, sweet. I'm gonna sneak over to the cage. I don't wanna free the guy though. I just wanna look around in the cage to see if there's anything there. Okay. I wanna see if there's any foul play amiss.

You can't see anything in the cage. It's just a dirty man who looks at you imploringly. Help me, I'm stuck in this cage. He shouldn't be able to see me, though. I'm sneaking. Well, it's pretty obvious to him that you're sneaking. It's just the hobgoblins you're really trying to avoid, I think, not him. I was trying to avoid him, actually. Oh. Well, he's seen you.

I'm like seven foot two. I don't care about the hobgoblins, but some old crusty molester in a cage. He grabs onto you and says, help me down. I will make sure you are well rewarded with treasure. I know where a secret cache lies.

Don't do it, Sip. Come on, Sips. Money. I'm finding it hard to resist. He'll molest you. You're a cat burglar. He can't molest me. Is it even possible for him to molest me? No. He'd have to do an attack roll, wouldn't he?

He does actually say in my race description that my molested anyone My foe's attacks bounce off my stony hide He's just an old man who wants a hug Why do you dislike him so much? What have I done? This cruel world I ended up in this cage I'm going to ask him why he's in the cage I want to ask him why he's in the cage

Okay You've delayed too long The hobgoblins have spotted you, have drawn their swords, and are now charging towards you. Oh, man. I'm going to run back to the camp. Okay, they catch up with you,

and you're now in combat. Fuck! What am I going to do? What's going on, Sips? What's going on? What? Why do they want to fight me, though? Because you're trying to free their captive.

Okay, I'm going to beat my chest like a gorilla. The chainmail. I'm wearing chainmail. To try to scare them off because I'm big. I'm really big. Okay, you... Do I have skills in that? Intimidate.

That's what it would be. Ah. Yeah, it would be intimidate. So you've got five. Plus... That doesn't sound very good. Intimidate. So you've got 5, plus Intimidate, which is 5. It's not really high enough to break them. They've got Willpower of 13, so I don't think that's going to break them at all. And they're going to attack you with pikes. So what's your armor class?

Your AC. I have a plus 6 AC bonus. You have 17 AC sips. Okay, so that's quite good. Oh yeah. However, two of them hit you, and you've been restrained. Rather than damage you, one of them has grabbed hold of you and has prevented you from moving any further.

Can I long jump out of there? And the other one... Hang on a second. The other one has done... So some guy that's like three feet tall has managed to restrain me? These are professional prisoner captures. They probably just threw a net over you. Yeah.

God, whose team are you on, Honeydew? The other one stabs into you. Before I get immobilised, I'm officially banning Honeydew from my camp. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Sip. It's too late for that. Six damage. So you're now on 19 hit points out of 25.

Oh, that's enough. I'm going to long jump out of there. Out of the nest. You're immobilized, Sip. You're immobilized. No, he's going to long jump. Long jump out of there. Out of the net. You're immobilised, Tips. You're immobilised. No, he's going to long jump. Long jump out of the net. I'll long jump in the net

if I have to. There's no jumping. You can't... It'll be like a sack race. Okay, fine. You want to try a long jump? Fine. Go on, roll 20. Go on. Am I doing this? I'll do this. Let's roll then. Oh, you're at 15. Okay. So, you leap at 15. Okay. So, um,

you leap deftly out of the trapping net. Wow. However, these goblins are still going to be able to close and hit you again next turn. Okay. Can I leap, like, close to somebody else? Okay, so it's not your turn anymore, Sips.

It's Simon's turn. Jeez, that was a pretty good turn, eh? A lot of stuff happened in that turn. That was really exciting. It was action-packed. So I distracted the guards for a bit. They went after Sips, and I've just been watching Sips get into all these scrapes.

God, I guess I have to try and help Sips, don't I? Yeah. What's the situation? If you ever want to come back to the camp, yeah. What's the situation regarding the Hobgoblins? How many are there? There's three of them. They're all looking fairly tough.

Okay, let's look at my abilities. See what I can actually use. How about I use my Contagion on the goblins? My daily power of spreading disease. So I take a couple of steps, so I'm within range of the goblins, and I just unleash this horrendous burp, this massive belch, in the direction of the nearest goblin.

This huge belch. Roar! Like that. Right. Good lord. And this stream of fluorescent green goo just comes out of my mouth Good lord And this stream of fluorescent Green Goo

Just comes out of my mouth And twirls around And hits this goblin Okay, wow Well, it's So this huge cloud of green Vomity gas Is swarming with flies

And engulfs the three Hobgoblins and they cough and choke and flail their arms around. The one that it hit directly is covered with green bile and he's really suffering. And the other two have just got it

sprayed on them a bit. Also, some of it sprays onto Sips. So he's got a little bit of goo on him. But it's not very much. He only takes 2 poison damage. Oh.

So he's now on 17 points. Sorry about this, Sips. That's good. I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry about that. I'm dying. You're not dying. I'm in a net. I'm poisoned.

You'll be fine. You leapt out of the net. You can move freely. Oh, okay. Mulchie, you were in the forest and I think you must have figured out that the Hobgoblins were no longer chasing you so you now have the opportunity to rejoin the battle although you won't be able to close to melee range.

So I'm on the fringe of the forest? Yep. Can I use my daily power? Sure. Is it ranged? It's handspring assault, which allows me to get close to the target. So you can spring in from a distance. Ah, clever.

Okay, yep, so describe exactly what happens here. Well, I've been hiding in the tree line, and I kind of run forwards and throw myself onto my hands and then push off from the ground,

leaping into a giant flying kick when I unsheathe my blades in mid-air, and then land and plunge them into one of the Hobgoblins. Which one are you going to choose? The one nearest to Sir Simon, which is the one which is all gooey

or one of the other ones? The one that's less gooey. I don't want to get goo on my blades. You spin around in mid-air and you bring down your mace and your dagger. I think you've got one mace, one dagger, is that right? I might have one equipped. I thought I had two daggers, but I've got mace and dagger. Oh yeah, you've got a mace in your main hand, a dagger in your off hand. You land an appallingly powerful blow that takes the hobgoblin square between the eyes.

And as he collapses forward, you bring up your dagger and slit his throat. Oh my god. And he collapses to the floor. Who invited this crazy guy along? Blood is pooling beneath his body. Jesus Christ.

So, Simon vomited on him and I killed him. Yep, yep. He's really utterly being destroyed. Hannah. Hello. You're watching this from afar. Am I at the camp?

Well, you can... Sips has come a good way towards you, so you can attack. Chaos Bolt on the nearest one. Is that the one with the goo falling off him? Not goo. The goo was burning spray, I think.

No, there wasn't any goo. Simon's already targeted one of them with the vomit, so he's quite heavily damaged. Whereas the other one is just lightly damaged by vomit goo. I'll target the more injured one. Okay, you'll target the more injured one.

The chaos bolt. Yep. Yep. Okay. I think I've got wild magic as well. Hit. Yeah, I've got wild magic. And you...

Odd number, so you don't make a secondary attack. Tell me, what happens? I imagine it would be like a sort of purple swirly orb with like different clouds of... shades of purple basically, sort of around it. And it just flies at the hobgoblin and hits it. Okay, so, yep. Does it engulf it in flames? No, because it's arcane and psychic. Psychic damage, yeah.

So the orb thunders into the chest of this goblin, who's already dripping in green bile, which seems to be etching into his clothes and armour and sword and he reels backwards as this bolt hits him and falls to the ground falls to one knee in fact but he's not

down yet so it's Sips it's your turn to bear in mind you've got your back to the goblins at the moment. I kind of lost track with what's going on. So one of the goblins has been dismembered by Mulchie. One of them is down on one knee, and one of them is still trying to get you in the back as you're running away.

Okay. I'm going to use Shout of Triumph. Okay. That's right. It's a power that I have. Okay. It's a mighty call of battle which scatters my enemies and it urges my allies forward.

What kind of attack, I mean, what kind of weapons do you use? I mean, tell me how this attack affects the goblin when you use it on him. Um... I have no idea, to be honest. So you turn around to the goblin and yell triumphantly in his face and raise your magic wand in your massive fist. Yeah, my wand. It's quite a nice glowy wand.

It's got a little star on it and it's sort of trailing sparks. It's like a fairy's wand. Yeah, yeah. It's like a fairy wand. And you bring it down and it hits... The goblin is stunned

by this strange turn of events. This is the one behind me, right? That's in good health? Yeah. Yeah, he's thunderstruck. And pushed back a square. I was thinking the same thing. By your thing.

And it does a total of seven damage to the goblin. Bet he wasn't expecting that. No, he wasn't. Now it's the goblin's turn but Simon's bile has etched further into the goblin that got hit initially and

you watch as he screams in agony as the poison burns into his eyes revealing the bones of his skull and

he falls to the ground slowly dissolving with a foul smelling smoke rising from his corpse. Good grief. The other one, seeing what befell his companions and shocked by Sips's... Sorry, by...

What's your name again? Dr. Caesar's Palace. MD. Caesar's Palace. You can just call me Dr. Caesar's Palace for short if you want. Stunned by Sips, he turns and runs away towards the forest. And you hear as the dust settles over the sizzling of poison-burned flesh. It's going to be that fucking old man again.

Can someone help me down? Can someone please help me down? Seriously, guys, let's get out of here. This old man's not even worth it. I want to go and get him down. I spent all my effort running into the forest and hiding a tree. I want to get him down. Okay.

Mulchie goes to help the old man down. And as he does so, he feels the old man's hand grabbing at his buttock. Whoa! Whoa! And squeezing gently as he's lowered to the ground. Oh, my God. But you don't react. You just think it was a normal thing.

You don't even notice that that happened. Maybe he just needed to grab onto something very firm to get his balance back. Yeah, I would imagine my characters have... You assist him over to Sips' campsite. Meanwhile, the people who were milling around outside the large building have all seen this battle and they've... That's quite painful.

Sorry. That large... I don't even have a gap between my teeth. It's like a fucking cat's queue. Sorry. Okay. So, meanwhile, the people who you saw me entering around the large trading

post have all seen you fighting and fled. So, there may well be something inside if you're willing to investigate that. And the old man, of course, is being very thankful and he will now speak to you while he's warming himself at the fire that Sips has made. I assume you made a fire, Sips, as part of your camp? Well, obviously. God. There's no such thing as a camp made a fire, Sips is part of your camp? Well obviously, god.

There's not much of a camp without a fire. It's just one of those barbecues you get from the supermarket. It's like foil, it's got a bit of charcoal in it. Yeah, it's one of those like, yeah. The really, really cheap ones. Okay, do you want to talk to him? Can I go and loot the corpses? Yeah.

Treasure! Let's see if there's any treasure on the bodies. What about the one that we melted? There's not going to be anything there. Sorry, the one that Honeydew melted. Yeah. Sorry, I do beg my pardon. As you tread over the corpses,

the melted one Has really got nothing of value But you find a small purse containing Ten gold pieces On the other hobgoblin Obviously that's my mind And a small Faded image of

A young hobgoblin Child And written on the image Is the words in childish writing, Daddy! Lewis? What happened to the

hobgoblin that was... Any idea? Was that Thunderstruck? He's gone. I didn't even Any idea? Was that Thunderstruck? He, um... He's gone. I didn't even hear that. It was very poorly done. It was just a long pause.

What happened to you? What happened to him? What happened to that goblin? He went... You know. He actually has a very colourful story to tell. Oh dear. But enough about him.

Do you have any food? I'm very hungry. This old guy. Why did we save him? He's a bit pain in the arse really, isn't he? He's slowing down the party. We've got places to go. Do did we save him? He's a bit of a pain in the arse, really, isn't he? He's slowing down the party. We've got places to go. Do you have some water? I've been in there for seven days,

and they've not given me any food or water. I'm really parched. I take out my water skin, and I spit into it, and then I hand it over to the old man. The old man drinks it with fervour and thanks you. And then I say to him, Yos pos, bitch.

He thanks you. Thank you, thank you, young small child. This is very kind of you. Very kind of you. I'm going to use a power on the old man called Vicious Mockery. I'm going to unleash a string of insults at my foe, weaving them

with bardic magic to send the creature into a blind rage. Let's see what this old man has made up. Hell yeah, bros. You've got to actually roleplay that, doing the whole stream of insults. Okay.

Let's hear you shout at an old man. You son of a bitch. I don't want to... Maybe I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to yell at this old guy. Uh... You flippin' beggar. Tall man. Son of an ostrich.

Thank you for saving me. It's very kind of you. Saving me of treasure. Stored in somewhere for saving me. It's very kind of you saving me of treasure stored in somewhere nearby if you're willing to go and reach it. I hate you so nasty

little sausage. I'm not asking about treasure. Don't talk to me. I actually typoed that but I think it's perfect the way it was I'm viciously mocking him right now

sorry did you send Sip's a message to tell I hate you so nasty little sausage sausage what did you mean to say

I hate you you nasty little sausage but I accidentally put I hate you, you nasty little sausage. That's what I accidentally put. I hate you so nasty little sausage. You flippin' beggar. You flippin' beggar. Poor man. You son of an ostrich.

So he's really angry now. What's so... He's in a rage. He should be in a blind rage now. Have you actually cast Vicious Mockery at him? Hell yeah. and his face snarling into a roar. Suddenly he clutches his chest, shakes, and then falls down

face first. You killed him. Well done. I gave him a heart attack. GG, Sips. GG. After all that effort, we spend... I searched the body for any loot. There's nothing.

I run my hands over his wrinkly old man flesh. Okay. A tear falls down my cheek as I gently caress his buttocks. So Sips walks down towards the trading post. I'm going to walk down to the trading post, and I'm going to use this power called Words of Friendship. I'm going to infuse power called words of friendship. I'm going to infuse my words with arcane power

turning even the simplest speech into a compelling oration. And I'm going to tell them why I killed that old man. And they're going to love me for it. They're going to love me for it. You haven't met anyone yet. There's no one around actually.

You're completely on your own. What? You said there were people there. I also said they fled. I also said they fled after you started this massive pitch battle. Well, scratch all that. I thought there was some people there. There's no people there. It's completely deserted outside.

You're just talking like a dog that's tied outside. I'm going to start packing up the camp so that we can carry on. Hannah, Simon, what are you guys up to? It's okay, guys. I'll just pack up the camp on my own. The trading post is... The trading post is a large

building, approximately two storeys, with a straw top. It's looking fairly tough. It's got a small fence around the outside where some people were trading before, but have now deserted. The's got a small fence around the outside where some people were trading before but have now deserted. The double doors to the entrance to the building are closed and

there may be people inside. It's likely there's still people inside. That's what you can sort of tell from your general impressions. I might go up to the building then. You all walk in Push open the door The inside looks to be only

Marginally cleaner than the Wilderness outside It's host to a wide Open area with benches Arrayed for the display of Wears that would normally be sold Although they're mostly empty A group of dwarves

are towards the back of the room picking through what looks like animal hides and an ugly looking half-orc is watching them quite closely. It's a sweatshop. In addition, the only other trader

in the room with wares in front of him is a tiefling man. So he's got horns and the hood of his robes pulled up, but he's quite sinister looking. And he gazes at you as you enter, squinting. And you notice immediately that one of his eyes is completely made of silver. Greetings, travellers. May I

interest you in any of my wares? Do you think he'll notice if I try and steal his eye? I was thinking that. Well, he can't see it, can he? He can't see he's missing it. That's true, you can't see it can he He can't see he's missing it That's true you can't look at your other eye

Interested in my eye I see Young doppelganger Well it is not for sale Oh my god he's psychic I can see it interests you But I would advise you stayed away Unless you ended up with one of your own

He's like What he wants one of your own. He's like, what he wants one of his own. That's what he's after. One of your own in your head. Dun dun dun! Can I gasp in my... I can see that these trifling trinkets in front of me are

nothing for hardened adventurers such as yourselves. I wonder whether you would be interested in any of my more... He looks to the left and right and lowers his voice. Specialised items. Have you got any hardcore pornography? Child, isn't it past your bedtime? That's racist

Ask him if he's got any gnome on gnome action I'm joking, halfling I have many explicit halfling action Many titles What the fuck? Can you name a few? I'm only joking, halfling I have many explicit gnome on gnome.

What the fuck? What? What were you thinking? That's what he says. What are you... That's what it says here in the instructions. It's all laid out here in the booklet. You've got all the answers to possible questions you might ask.

Oh, really? What is the meaning of life? Wouldn't you like to know? I'm sure you'll be more interested in items that may help you against certain enemies, shall we say.

Certain magical objects may be of interest to you. Have we actually got any money? Can we afford this shit? I've got 55 gold. I've got like 18. See if you can pool your money together and see how much you've got. Can we give him Hannah?

Would you like to buy a cat? Ha ha ha, elf. I see that that cat is not a real cat, but a spirit animal. My silver eye does not miss such trifling details. Ah, it's the source of his power. Can we punch him

in the eye? Do not try anything, young doppelganger. I see what you're trying, what you're thinking, and I would not advise it. Motherfuckers like Mystic Meg. He knows what we're going to do before we even do it. I have many magical items that you

may be interested in. Two, in fact, that you may find of use to you. That's not many. It's two. It's a good point. It's a good point there. I could part with two that might be of use to you.

What are they? Have a look. What kind of thing are you after? Well, you said you got some, so you've already suggested them to me. Weapons, armour. Maybe we should get, like, a revival potion for that guy that I killed.

Yeah, I feel pretty bad about that. Poor old man. He's probably had a very hard life. And you murdered him, you son of a bitch. Do not worry, travellers. That old man knew nothing that I do not. I can provide you with what he may have done, should you wish to deal with me.

Do you have anything suited to a rogue? Hmm, I see what you're thinking. A glimmering dagger. No? Something else then? No, I wanted the dagger. No? Something else then? Hang on a sec, I need to look up magic daggers to see exactly what you're offering. Have you got any magic pants? I see what you're thinking about, young halfling. No, something else though. Thought I'd save you the time.

No. I can offer you the following items. A set of magic armour plus one. For the reasonable price. Plus one what? Plus one, so we get two sets of armour. We get magical armour plus one.

No, no. You're confused. Two magical sets of armour. You're confused. It's magic armour plus one. It's a plus one magic armour. It's a set of basic yet enchanted armour. What's the plus one? What's the plus one in? It's plus one what?. It's a set of basic yet enchanted armour.

What's the plus one in? It's plus one what? I'll describe this a bit better, shall I? I'll try and describe this a little bit better. I can offer you either an enchanted piece of armour that will deflect blows

magically, or a weapon that will seek out the weaknesses in other people's armor, making your strikes more accurate and damaging. I want that one. I can offer you it for the reasonable price. Don't buy that.

A set of steak knives. A cuddly toy. A food processor. Steak knives. A cuddly toy. A food processor. Are these are going by on a conveyor belt in the background? Yeah. He's going to ask you how many you remember at the end.

For the lady. A magic wand plus one. Or a magic rod. I've got a magic wand for the ladies. A plus one. Fuck shit. Bollocks. I didn't mean to say that. An orb of power. I've got a couple of orbs of power. I've got

a magic rod for the lady. That's what I just said. That's what I just said. I've got some balls of power. Have you? That's what I said. What the fuck what I just said. I've got some balls of power. Have you? That's what I said. What the fuck, Sips? I can offer you two of these items.

I can offer you two of these. I can... I... I... I... I'm going to do the robot. He's a robot. It's the silver eye. It was the giveaway.

Can I kick him? I can offer you two of these magical items for the reasonable price of 300 gold apiece. Jesus! Jesus Christ! You're having a laugh, ain't ya? Do you guys want me to give this guy a heart attack too?

Go for it, Sims. Fucking go for it. Stop, Goliath. Do not think you can use such a trifling item on me. Just fucking do it. Don't let him talk you out of it. Just do it.

Just do it. Just kill the fucker. Are you not interested in these items? Kill the fucker. Just fucking kill him. I do not have them on my purse. Just do him, shit. I am not so foolish as you think me.

I don't give a shit. Just do him. We'll pluck his fucking eye out and sell it. Should you want to take my eye, I think you will find it worth... Jesus Christ, just kill him, come on! ...a lot of lead in your hand.

Shut the fuck up! Come on! Fuck me! Do you guys not want to take any quests off anyone in this whole land? Look, if we killed

him, maybe he would have a piece of paper on his person that would give us information that would lead to the next bit of the story. You've just got to

think on your feet. No. No? okay. Sip, do you want to set up camp? Yeah, I'm going to go set up camp. I see you are interested, so I will make a deal with you. I know a man who is looking for fresh bodies,

and if you can provide me with those you have slain so deftly outside I may reduce the price Can we warn him that one's a bit melty? If you wish for a magical item you will ensure that those bodies are taken round the back

of this trading post into the storage closet I go outside and I struggle to drag the body of a large, dead old man. I'm, like, grabbing him by the foot and trying to drag him through into the... I'll come and help you. ...the trading post. Just pause. Trying to drag him.

My back hurts. Do you want some help, Warlock? I'm sweating. I can do it myself. Meanwhile, you should be deciding amongst yourselves what kind of magical item you wish to ask from the chap. I could do with a new weapon, guys. What?

Let's just get the weapon. Well, hang on. Surely if I'm putting in over half of this money, I should get something. Well, I've got 52 gold pieces. Hang on a minute. Didn't he say we've only got 100-something? I can see that you have well over 100 gold pieces between you.

Fuck. That will be sufficient if you drag the bodies into the cupboard just outside the training camp. What does he want these bodies for? Do not ask. To my colleagues?

He fucking... He knows everything. He hears everything. He sees everything. The fuck is this guy? My name is Millen Silver Eye. That's a coincidence that your name is Silver Eye and you've got a silver eye. It is Young Halfling. It's amazing, isn't it?

What are the odds of that? You're a funny little man, aren't you? You're a funny fucker as well. Right. So you've dragged the bodies into the cupboard. Now, 25 paces southwest of here, you will find a small cemetery.

You want us to dig up bodies there too? Jesus Christ, what's wrong with this? What have you requested? It's a small dagger, and you will find it in the grave. Marked... Sorry? He wants us to do a grave rob now. No, I use the graveyard as a temporary storage area for my stock.

Sounds a bit suspicious. I would not be suspicious. It is perfectly normal for traders such as myself... You're full of shit. ...to use graves... Full of shit. ...as storage. Yeah, it's just perfectly normal to use a grave as a storage space.

What's wrong with a cellar? You may hand over your gold and... I flick him the Vs. I'm not handing it over. Maybe we'll just leave the bag of gold at the cemetery when we get the dagger. That would suit me fine. Oh, okay.

Alright. We'll just leave it in a grave. If you replace the gold with the dagger. We won't use the same grave because if people see us digging it up it'll look suspicious. So we'll put it in a different grave and then later on we'll tell you which grave it is that we put the gold in.

No. And then you can just dig up a fucking grave like a twat, like we're about to. I have cast a spell of temporary darkness over the area, so there should be no problem with criminals seeing you digging up the

item. It's not really criminals, I'm worried about. How handy. The grave is the third one from the left and it is marked Agnes Merles. So it's up to you. You can either head out over to the graveyard

it's not that far, or you can possibly go and chat with Fulgrim and the dwarves who are arguing over to the graveyard. It's not that far. Or you can possibly go and chat with Fulgrim and the dwarves who are arguing over animal parts. Is it a sweatshop that he's running? No, I mean, it looks like the half-orc is just a

scavenger who hunts animals and sells their pelts. And these dwarves are obviously quite interested in some of the owlbear skin cloaks that he's got to sell. Can I have one of those man-bear pig cloaks please? Hello! Hi.

The fuck? Why, you certainly can. That'll be a hundred gold pieces. Call at 20 and we've got a deal. Oh, no! 70! Ravs? Uh, 40. 55 and you have a deal!

35. 55? You're breaking my balls, man. Hey, don't worry, I'm gonna use words of friendship on him. And, um, give him a really good speech as to why I should give it to you for 35 gold. Go on, then. Dear sir, I think you should give the thing to, uh, this guy. Because he's an honest guy.

A loving guy. The best guy. Ah, I like your style. You're a big man. And you've got a little wand. A fairy's wand. I like you. 55 gold.

This is unbelievable. Can I walk away from the man with the strange Irish-Scottish-Welsh accent, please? Pirate. Not interested? See you next time. Shall we go check out this grave then, guys? Oh, I don't mind. I'm up for whatever.

Do you have any hardcore pornography? Aye, well, I don't know about that. What kind were you looking for? Where the fuck is he from? What's going on? All over. Bit of everywhere. Jesus Christ.

What do we actually need to do? What's going on? What are we... what's our quest? Why are we here? What's going on? We haven't got one yet because we've been messing around too much. Which... Do we have to kill him? You're looking for treasure.

You're looking for glory. You're looking to save people from troubling situations like that old man. But you ended up killing him. I'd like to use my encounter power dreadful word. I point at the old man And I say Cunt What? You can't say that

Sorry Which old man? The old, what, Fulgrim? The half-orc? Whoever this fucking weird, yeah, whatever he is Yeah What a nasty word. It's supposed to do 2d8 plus charisma modifier.

That's five. Psychic damage to him. Ah, no. I'd be much worse than that on the old sailor. What? What the fuck? He explains to you that he's... He used to be

on the high seas and sailors do curse a lot and he really isn't affected by that kind of thing anymore. It's just a part Scottish. So it's not done any problem. Apparently it's common in Scotland. Oh yes!

I heard the word before. So it's done nothing. He's not a fan. Can I reminisce with him about the sailing days? Aye, sure you can. Can I roll like a bluff check to make him believe that I actually did sail somewhere? Ah, so you've been on the high seas, have you, laddie? Yeah. Oh, it's nothing like it, is there?

I wish I was back there now. You sound a little bit rapey. Oh, the wind in my hair. Done a bit of raping in my time. Oh, my God. Why, young lass, you got with you? Yeah. Well, she may be worth a few skins, I know what I mean.

I'm going to step in front of Hannah and draw my swords. Oh, nothing meant by, nothing meant by, young laddie. Hey, you still want this owlbear cloak? Fifty gold pieces. I know you're a fellow man of the sea. Oh, you're breaking my balls, man. Fifty gold pieces, that's going to pretty much clean me out Is there anything I could do

To just acquire You got any odd jobs? A bit of cleaning? Some window washing? Why didn't you ask before? Because you were busy shouting at me There's a mine just down the road. You need to kill the kobolds

and take their candles. There'll be these peridot cane wizards searching for a long lost treasure. Both rifles under the influence of psionic commands from a sliver of the chaos meteor. You know commands from a sliver of the Chaos Meteor.

You know about the Chaos Meteor, of course. Um, the... What? Do not trump these parts, then. Please, can you tell us? The Chaos Meteor? It's like Sonic. What?

He's got a Chaos Emerald. You don't know about the Chaos Meteor? We are strangers from a far-off land. The Chaos Meteor ravaged these lands some five years ago, and it has never been the same. Never. I used to be a successful skin salesman, but no longer.

Fragments of that meteor have power. Power to corrupt and change men. My younger brother became corrupted and joined along with one of these terrible mages. I want you to go and help him, find out what has happened to him, and rescue him from these sorcerous crutches in their tower. Well, that sounds fine to me. I think we should just go for it. If you do this for me, I will see you well rewarded. I have stockpiles of treasure from my time on the high seas and I will ensure that you get your rewards.

I'm sure there's nothing dodgy or weird or suspicious or deadly. And I will ensure that you get your rewards. I'm sure there's nothing dodgy or weird or suspicious or deadly laying in wait for us. Sounds good. I'm with Simon. Let's go do it. No, there is definitely lots of dangerous stuff. Fuck! It's not going to be very easy. Fuck! That's why I'm offering a good reward, you fool. It's going to be really tough.

You're going to have to kill lots of shit! Oh god! Oh dear! I think I might have a fag. Oh, I'm spent! I'm spent! Oh dear. for fag oh I'm spent I'm spent oh dear that's the end of part one

we actually stopped here with the party not really knowing where they were going um but they will continue next time an exciting new adventure into the unknown not next week don't don't really expect it anytime soon um it's sometime in the future, maybe. Yeah, maybe. If people enjoy the D&D,

get in touch with us and say you like the D&D and we'll do more. Otherwise, we won't. We just won't bother. No.