Triforce! - YoGPoD 40: Toaster Mic

Episode Date: February 1, 2012

That's right, we were telling truth! After what was an unfortunately lengthly absence, the YoGPoD is back! Yay! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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And you can shop that whole world right here in our aisles. Find it all here with more ways to save at Real Canadian Superstore. Some guy drew a picture of me talking into a toaster. That is exactly what you sound like, yeah. Well, come on, I don't really sound like... Do I sound any better over Skype, or does it sound just as bad? It sounds just as bad. Oh, God, that hurts.

Actually, no, it doesn't, it doesn't, you know, you sound, um... Do I sound more manly? But that's... But not in a good way. See, what's going to happen is I'm going to get this new mic and everybody's going to be like, oh, it doesn't even sound like Sips anymore. Then I'm going to lose all my subscribers in

one day, and then the whole thing is just going to get flushed down the toilet. Yeah, that might not happen. It might go the other way, though. They might be like, oh, thank God Sips isn't talking into a toaster anymore. You know, I'm going to tell my friends about him. Hello, and welcome to TTTT. Simon, do you want to answer some questions?

What is it you're doing? Are these questions for Sips? Yeah. Yeah. Sips interview. Yeah. An evening with Sips. Yeah.

Yeah. do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do an evening with sips why are you singing annie lennox for an evening with sips it's a good song isn't it though it is isn't it i think it fits an evening with sips it is a pretty good song actually it's one of those ones that you're so embarrassed to sing but if you're in your car and your windows are all done up you like just belt it out

it's fine god i do enjoy doing that okay guilty pleasure hit us with the question sips alright hang on let me just get a question. Okay. I would have hoped you'd done a little bit more preparation. I've done none.

I'm actually just going to, like, I wish my mouse wheel scrolled like I could spin it like a roulette table or something and it would just like slowly slow down and then stop on a question. That'd be great. I kind of imagine you rummaging around in a big kind of, like,

big yellow thread sack, you know, of questions. You know, a quite rough wool sack, usually sort of used to hold hay or grain. It's more like putting, like, a big industrial strength rubber glove on

and putting it into like a toilet that's just like full of all sorts of like poo and everything and then hoping that you'll rummage around in there and like find a diamond but there's no diamonds. There's no diamonds in that toilet. No. You're more likely to find a cotton bud or like um... Oh god I don't want to think of what you might find. A tampon. That's what you were thinking. A tampon.

Get the question quickly. Okay I'm just scrolling down. I'm getting them all loaded so I can just um... How many are there? God it's taking you like ten minutes to... There's four hundred and twenty. What?! Oh good lord. Sips we've only got like half an hour we can't do 420 i know i know we're not going to do them all now what 420 asks sips a question every day yeah yeah

actually there's 422 but close close um a lot of them are unanswerable um they're just things like oh good oh my god why are you the best? Skip those. We can answer that one, though. Wow. It's more of a statement, really, isn't it? It is, kind of, yeah. Alright, let's try this one.

Sips, have you ever considered running for leader of Canada? I'm English, but I'd still vote for you! And that was from Zav the Mod. That was his question. That's a good question. So first of all, I don't think he could vote. Because I don't think that's how it works. At all, actually.

But are you a Canadian citizen? Have you got dual citizenship? Citizenship? Citizenship. Have you got dual citizenship? Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. So I could.

How does that work? It's like the back half of your passport, Canadian, and the front half, England. What? And you have to turn them upside down. The bottom half of Sips Canadian and the front half England. What? And you have to like turn them upside down. The bottom half of Sips is Canadian? Yeah, that's what... No, no, it's like on the Bourne Identity. I have a different name in Canada than I do in England.

And when I travel around, like across the world, I have like seven different passports. Oh my god, you're like Jason Bourne. Yeah. Yeah, exactly like that. What are your other names, Sips, in other countries? I was lying, you're like Jason Bourne. Yeah, exactly like that. What are your other names, Sips, in other countries? I was lying, I don't have other names. But I don't even have multiple passports, actually. Are your other names like anagrams of Sips? Um... I can't think of any. Yeah, I can only think of any.

Yeah, I can only think of one. Maybe it would be inappropriate on a passport, although, you know, you can do a lot of stuff with Deep Pool these days. What would you change your name to, though, Sips, if you had an opportunity? And also, did you keep your maid... When you married your wife, did you change name to her name? Did you keep your maiden name? When you married your wife, did you change your maiden name to her? Did you keep your maiden name? Yeah, did you keep your maiden name?

What? Yeah. I think if I could rename myself, I would change my name to Ronald Schwarzenegger. Because I think it's better than Arnold. I think Ronald's a better name. I think it goes better with his last name, too. It's more American. I would make it a point it is yeah

you can see that wouldn't he go a step further and call himself Ronald Swartz or something like that shorten it even further so it's even less kind of Germanic no I quite like the Schwarzenegger I think it adds character to the name.

You like the end bit, okay. I don't know. I'm not sold on Arnold. I think it's difficult to spell. I think on a modern day, in a modern environment, people would look up his name, they wouldn't be able to spell it, they'd just give up. You have to have something that's easy to spell, to market yourself. I don't know, I mean, he's done pretty good. Like all those, like, 1980s action movies. Yeah, yeah. You know, you just see his name plastered across the whole screen because, like, it barely fit on.

Like, I don't even know if they could fit the whole thing on most of the time, but... But it looked cool. There's like two Zeds in there. I think there's at least two. And there's like, uh, a Q as well in well in there. It's like a high-scoring Scrabble The original question was what have I ever considered running for leader of Canada? But like how do you even how do people even like decide that that's what they want to do? Like I'm sure everybody kind of thinks like at some point. Oh god. Yeah, I'd love to like run the country There's like a form that you fill in at the post office yeah if you want to be the leader you got to get passport photos yeah it's it's a lot of hassle you have to fill out this form it's a couple of pages long

you know you have to buy stamps and you have to post it a lot of people don't bother with the hassle do you think there's like a like some kind of interview or something where they're like, so what makes you think you'd be a good good leader of Canada? I don't know I mean who decides that? Who does the interview? The old leader or like? You know who decides? The Illuminati. Come on. The smoking man. The Canadian Illuminati. The Canadian Illuminati, yeah. Oh, man. The Illuminat-A. Wow.

Wow. Very nice. Well done. Well done. I tip my hat. I doff my hat to you, good sir. So the Illuminatuminati are in control of Canada behind the scenes,

and they just put a puppet leader. So, I guess that begs the question, if you knew you were going to be a puppet leader, would you still want to be one? Or maybe you'd just be scared into it, like they would just threaten to break your kneecaps

or something. Puppet leader? Like Kermit the Frog? Yeah. Someone in charge of other puppets. Yeah, exactly. Exactly like Kermit the Frog, yeah. Like you'd just get up there and you'd you were a Muppet and you were in charge of a big country.

Yeah, that would be nice. That would be good. I would outlaw Bacon, first of all. Kermit would because of Miss That would be good. I would outlaw Bacon, first of all. Kermit would, because of Miss Piggy. Yeah, he wanted to make sure she was safe. I don't know, I don't think Kermit even really likes her, though. Oh, he does. You can see it in his eyes.

You can see it in his smile. He probably, like, when he goes backstage after hosting the Muppet Show, he probably just, like... Cries himself to sleep. Yeah, he just holds himself. He's justet Show, he probably just like... Cries himself to sleep. Yeah, just holds himself. He's just like kneeling in the shower, crying, and the shower's cold, holding himself. He hates his life. Poor Kermit. He's got like a pair of cloth scissors and he's going to cut his wrists.

Oh god. Why is he so depressed? I guess he's got a man's fist up his arse. He's got a man's fist up his arse and the only woman who finds him attractive is literally a pig. And a really annoying one as well.

What would you prefer though? Being loved by a pig? An annoying pig? Or if you had to choose would it be being loved by the annoying pig or having a man's fist up your ass? If those were the only two options. God, what... God, I... It's a hard one, isn't it? The only one who loves you is a pig or permanently having a man's fist up your ass. Like an insufferable pig, though. Not just like... Not like a normal pig. An insufferable pig though, not just like a normal pig. An insufferable pig? A pig you absolutely can't stand.

Yeah, like you literally want to just gouge your eyes out, like right in front of her every time she talks to you. Well I mean the choice is obvious, isn't it? The choice is obvious. Yeah, it's the pig. Pass me the cloth scissors. I'll just end it. Oh man, poor Kermit. He's got a pretty terrible life. Alright, well, that was question one. That was from Zav the Mod.

Oh Christ. I'm going to close that one. That was one! That was one! That was one! We've only got 421 left to go. Okay. Let me find another.

Roses asks, Do you actually enjoy getting all these questions? Um, yeah, I guess I do. There's a lot of them. There's a lot of questions. But, um, what do you guys think? Do you guys like getting asked a lot of questions? You guys must get asked a lot of questions.

Hmm, an awful lot. Uh, I can't get enough of getting asked questions. I can't get enough of it. I love it. I love questions. They're awesome. Simon? Well, I don't even want to answer this question, so that probably explains my attitude. Okay.

He doesn't like questions. So you don't like questions. So you don't like questions? I remember being asked questions at school and at job interviews. Questions are just a pain in the arse, aren't they?

In English schools, do they ask you questions where you have to answer in front of the class if you're sleeping or something? Do they try to catch you out? Do they ask you questions like where you have to answer in front of the class? Like if you're sleeping or something? They try to catch you out? Do they do that? Yeah. School. School.

School's always the same. Alright, well, there's not really much else we can do with this question. No. It probably wasn't the best. It's a broad one. It is a broad one. It is a broad one. But, you know, I randomly picked it. And that is good. That was a quick one. That's another one off the list now. Okay, good. Let's make some progress. Let's get through some of these. Yeah.

It's a good idea. It's like grinding. We're grinding. Alright. Well, this one isn't a question. Tick. From Pajotrimajkaj. I can't pronounce that. Pajotrimajkaj. I would love to see a sexy picture on you, IRL. It would make me dot dot smile dot dot dot dot. A sexy picture on you? Yeah, so not a sexy picture of me, just any sexy picture on me.

So like a picture of Edward from Twilight kind of like sellotape to your bicep? Yeah, or Miss Piggy, maybe, in one of her more provocative numbers. So any vaguely alluring image taped arbitrarily

to anywhere on your body? Well, we can't just limit it to being taped. It could be staples. Blu-tack. It could be crazy glued. Yeah. Crazy glue. What's that? Sips. We could use that crazy bonding stuff that you, like, you use, like, between your heatsink and your processor

to put the picture on. Oh, my God, what? Why not, Simon? Why not? Thermal paste. I don't think it's actually very sticky, thermal paste. It's not... It's kind of just...

Yeah, we just... We'll heat it up. We'll heat it up, like, really really hot and it'll start to stick. What's that cement stuff? That little cement glue stuff? Use that. Wood cement. No more nails. No more nails? If you've ever seen that, no more nails, they can lift a car with a block of wood with no

more nails on it. What the hell? I don't know if I'd want to stick a picture to me with that. It makes you super strong. No, no, it doesn't make you... It suddenly lifts things up. No, no, like, they... Yeah, it does. I don't even want to explain it. They put, like, they glued a piece of wood to, like, the top of a car with no more nails,

and then they used, like, some crane, and they grappled onto the piece of wood and picked up the whole car with the piece of wood glued to it. I call bullshit on that though. The chemistry of that is pretty simple. What it does is it just

dissolves the top layer of the car and the wood and it blends the polymers together and then it like locks them in place with crap so you know that way you can't simply separate it you know if you tried to get that piece of wood off that car you just basically take like a big hole off the roof you know or you just leave this terrible mark so I mean it's not the most but then again if you nailed

the bit of wood to the roof I suppose you'd leave massive nail holes anyway so... I think I just blacked out actually. I don't know what I'm getting at. Yeah. It's a pickle, isn't it? No it's okay, it is an alternative to nails. I don't know if it's like a really good alternative to nails. I don't think you can beat like a good old nail. No. No, I mean a nail...

You know, it's practical If you put a nail in the wall You can hang stuff on the nail You don't want to just like Like glue your paintings to the wall With no more nails, do you? You gotta have like tools and stuff though Do you guys have tools?

Do you have like a toolbox? Yeah, I've got a screwdriver Which I don't know where it is Okay, that's like a toolbox? Yeah, I've got a screwdriver, which I don't know where it is. Okay, that's not a toolbox, but... Oh, I'll tell you what I want. I want a crowbar, like, out of Half-Life. And I sort of... I want it in like a glass case.

And on the glass case engraved, it says, In case of alien invasion Break glass Wow And I'll be like shit what do I break the glass with I need a crowbar So underneath I'll have a little crowbar On a little check

Will that be in a glass case as well And it'll say In case of In case of emergency That'll be the glass case yeah how thick is the glass though it's really thick okay well it's gonna have to be bigger than like a mini crowbar it's like straight away that's not gonna work it's okay it's got a diamond on the end oh god i'd imagine sips you'd have like a big massive bag of tools because you're a dad

now right so you've got a double ladder in your garage and you've got a massive tool shed and I don't have a garage what the hell are you talking about You've got like a lawn mower it's like petrol you have to fill up Yeah like one of those John Deere ones that you sit on

and uh and I have like one of those hats Deere ones that you sit on. And I have one of those hats with two litre bottles of Diet Pepsi attached to the side and straws into my mouth. And I just drive around on that lawnmower. Not Duff Beer. Yeah. So while you're bumping up and down doing the lawnmowing, you can have a bit of Budweiser or whatever. Yeah. Diet Pepsi.

Oh, man. Oh, my goodness. Okay, so that was... I would love to see a sexy picture on you, IRL. Whew. Okay, how many is that done? It's three. Three.

It's three. All right. We're keeping count. Okay. We need some teaser photos of you. Like, photos of you in the dark with a very, very dim light source, just glowing at, like, a corner of your face. No, no, no, no, no.

We need, like, hints of Sips' life. Like, a picture of his, like, the corner of his desk or something, you know, showing, like... Yeah. I wonder where you would go with that. A picture of his... Yeah. Or a picture of his car or a picture of his garage with all the tools. I don't have a garage. A picture of him riding the lawnmower.

Do you have beautiful hands? Picture me riding a horse. Just randomly riding a horse. Have you guys ever ridden a horse before? It's kind of weird. I don't think I have, before? It's kind of weird. I don't think I have, actually. It's kind of weird. What did you say, Simon?

Did you ask Sips if he has big hands? I asked if he had beautiful hands. Oh. Do you have beautiful hands? Well, they're normally, like, beautiful and soft, but for some reason right now I have, like, all these, like, scars on my knuckles. I think it's just, like like because it's really cold over here and it's dry. Yeah you want to get some gloves Sips you want to get yourself a

little pair of woolly mittens or something look after your little baby hands. Isotoners I'm gonna get some some... You want to look after your little hands there Sips. You want to put a bit of mittens on? You need some of your baby's, um, lotion. You need some of your baby lotion, Sips. There's a lotion on its hands. Or else it gets Sips Jr. pissing on you again. Oh my god. Oh god.

It might be that, you're chapped from all of the nappy changing and all of the body rubbing of changing the baby. I'm all chapped. So Poop Feast 420 is now six weeks old? Yeah, six weeks, yeah. Sorry? Poop Feast 420? Yeah, that's what Sips named his kid, yeah. Yeah, his middle name is 420.

Is that what you've baptized? Wow, that's name is 420. Is that what you've baptised? Wow, that's amazing. I know. In honour of the guy that donated so much money to the livestream. Oh God, I can imagine the vicar in the local church. And here we are gathered today in order to baptise the son of Sips. We dip his head into the fountain.

And we name him in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ the Father. Poop Feast 420. Smoke weed every day. I have to admit something to you guys before I read more questions though. I answered a question and said that I own a Greggs in the Isle of Wight. I spelled the Isle of Wight wrong, and I got about 50 questions back saying, Oh my god, I live in the Isle of White, there's no Greggs here though. So I thought I'd come clean. It's a small franchise.

So actually in doing that though, I could probably, that cancels out those questions right, we don't have to answer those because they're all based on a lie anyway. Incidentally did you see that viral video about the Greg's bag that interrupted that man that interview and put one interview? Yeah yeah we I was me and Simon were watching that. Oh god that was brilliant wasn't it? We were just laughing and watching it over and over and over again. Yeah when we were we were watching Pat play Star Wars. It was possibly the funniest viral video I've ever seen. Yeah. Oh good lord, that tickled me.

Oh Greggs. It was good. I love the sound that the bag made when it hit his face. So how's business at the Greggs by the way? Are you selling pasties? Are they selling like hotcakes and stuff? Is everything going alright? Yeah, I can't even bake them fast enough anymore. They're selling like hot cakes all the time. I can't even keep anything on the shelf. What's the most popular product that you're selling? What is it that the people come in and like demand? Bread. Just bread.

Bread? All the breads. All the breads. What's the breads. All the breads. What's the best breads? Of the breads. Um, you know, just like the 1929er Riser 252. I don't know. I've never even been into Greggs before.

Do they have, like, codenames for all the bread? Yeah. White. Granary. And brown, Iary, and brown I believe are the code names. Brown. There's also 007 as well. It's very nice toast, it has a license to grill. What? Wow. Wow, another cracking joke there. Thank you. It was certainly

certainly something, wasn't it? That was certainly something. Okay, here's the next one. Ethan Blackbeard asks, What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint. I guess. I guess so. I mean, well... It could...

Yeah, that's a can of worms, that one, Sips. Let's move on. It's too much. Here's a good one. DiamondXXEyes asks, Who's your favorite comedian? This is an easy one. Who's your favorite comedian, Lewis? Oh, um, that's a hard one. That's a hard one to like answer. I don't know. I'm a huge fan of like, um, like old school comedy, like BBC comedy.

So like, um, Morkman Wise and the two Ronnies and stuff like that. But also, um, you know, black out of stuff, but I kind of,

I don't know. I've been watching quite a lot of comedy lately and I'm, you know, I'm a big fan of Bill Bailey. I watch a lot of QI. I listen to Radio 4. Very boring answers. Simon? God, yeah, those were boring answers.

Frankie Boyle. That's very good. What if I just said like really awful Jim Davidson I loved him on that snooker show Pop Black No It's only a game so

Pull up a real good fight I'm gonna be snookering you tonight We can't use that Because that's copyright Chaz and Dave Is it? Oh no it's not that's copyright Chaz and Dave. God. Is it? Oh no, it's not. Is it copyright Chaz and Dave? Yeah.

Wow, maybe we could do like a... Remix, because that is a good song. That is a really good song. I'm a big fan of that. Chaz and Dave? I've heard of Chaz and Dave, but I've never seen that before. I wish they still had like, game shows like that on telly. I used to watch that so much as a kid. Big Break. For people who don't know,

it was a sort of a... a sort of a... You're getting so excited. I know, I'm getting excited, but I can't vocalise my thoughts. It's like... It was a game show based around snooker right and they were like professionals professionals playing alongside ordinary people and they had to answer snooker

related questions they had to go and do sort of try and repeat jimmy white doing a trick shot and john virgo was there. It was just good. It was really good. Wasn't it? Wasn't it good? It was good. It was the best. Robot Wars was good too back in the day. Robot Wars. Oh, is that the guy from

what's it called? Red Dwarf? And Takeshi's Castle? Is that Robot Wars? Yeah. Craig Charles. Craig Charles, yeah. I think he was in EastEnders as well, wasn't he? At some point. He was the cabbie. But then he took loads of crack and he lost his job.

Coronation Street, yeah. Hannah just laughs as if I'm like a massive noob. Oh my god. God, you're such a noob. Who didn't know that? What about Takeshi's Castle though? That was like the best show. I don't know, I enjoyed it. But I always thought it was a bit kind of... Like, cruel? Amazing?

Oh, come on. Cruel. I don't know, it's like it's a knockout, you know, but kind of more serious. More serious. Yeah, I know, that's the thing that I hated about Takeshi Castle, it was like, ah, so serious all the time. Simon, you've been watching Hoarders lately, haven't you? Which is, like, horrible. It's amazing. It's a very, very formulaic show. I mean, it sort of opens up and you see, like, the wreckage of someone's house just full of crap, full of loads of boxes, clothes, dirty plates everywhere.

And then it says, you know, oh, they could lose their children, they could lose their job, they could lose their house. In one case, a guy was going to go to prison if he didn't clean up his backyard. Nice. It's a bit excessive. Is it like Life of Grime? Remember that show? Yeah, it's like that. Yeah, but American

and kind of better. Well, I don't think it is better because it doesn't have like John Peel or anyone doing the voiceover. Oh yeah, it was John Peel. And then Bergerac took over after. Was it Bergerac? Really? Oh, my God. Wow, so that I didn't know.

It's amazing. All right, so who's your favourite comedian? Mine, I'm going to say mine's probably Jerry Seinfeld. I love that guy. I like him, and I loved it when Larry David did Stand Up 2. I think those guys are the funniest guys. But, you know, I'm from North America, so... Oh my god, they're good answers.

I probably appreciate them more than, like, British people would. Yeah, we don't really get American comedies. No, Seinfeld and... Yeah, god, that's good stuff. Good stuff. I didn't really watch it until I was like 20, though. I remember when it used to be on, like, it used to be on Thursday

nights, like the brand new episode. There used to be Seinfeld, new Seinfeld, new Friends, and new Simpsons, when Simpsons was really good. And those three shows, like new episodes of them, would be on back-to-back on Thursday nights. And literally every city

was just a ghost town. Everybody wanted to be home and watch them. That's when The Simpsons was really funny. Like the old Simpsons. Now it's just stupid. It used to be really funny, didn't it? It used to be. What do you think happened? Was it us who

aged or was it the show just getting terrible? The earlier episodes of The Simpsons had like really good stories. They always had like, they were really funny but they always had some sort of like moral at the end of them to tell but like they would just like lace it in like lots of

jokes. Now they just think it's funny to like you know, Homer goes to Japan like for no reason whatsoever and then just acts like he's like really stupid the whole time. And that's supposed to be funny for like half an hour. I don't know. I just preferred it like a long time ago.

Or maybe I just got like old. I don't know. I don't know. Probably. Alright, so that's that. I'm closing that one. God, we've done like so many questions. We're so that's that. I'm closing that one. God, we've done, like, so many questions. We're gonna run out soon. Okay.

One more? Last one? Sure, let's do one more. Let's do this. Ah, this is a good one. What song would you want to be played at your funeral? This is from... P...

P... Pjot... Pjotr Imkad. I can't pronounce that. I cannot pronounce that. But that's a good question jottarin catch the charter yeah yes what what so much you want playing at your funeral was that yeah I'm Simon the one from our 2001

near Daisy Daisy the easy to cool or Crazy Daisy, give me your answer too. I'm not, why are you burning me? Crazy. Like that. I think that would be good. That would be amazing.

That would be good. That would be amazing. That would be a funeral I'd love to go to. Yeah. As your coffin was sort of, you know, wheeled into the hole where they cremate you. What about, like, what about the monster mash? And, like, you could get them to, like,

hook you up to, like, some strings and a guy, like, behind the curtain where your casket is and there could be some pulleys and then they would start playing the Monster Mash and then the dude behind the curtain could pull you and you would get up in your coffin and start dancing. But not fully. Just your torso

and your arms. Your head would just flop around. That'd be a sweet funeral though. I was working in the lab late one night when my eyes beheld an eerie sight! That'd be a sweet funeral though. I was working in the lab late one night, when my eyes behold an eerie sight! And then you just like rise up from the... They did the mash!

Just waving my arms back and forth. You did the monster mash! And everyone in the clip in the audience will like sway in time. Yeah, that would be great. That would be the best funeral. What about you, Lewis? Oh, I don't see how That would be the best funeral. What about you, Lewis? Oh, I don't see how I can top the Monster Mash. You probably just want some Kid Rock or something. Blinkin' Park. Just like, blaring, crawling in my skin.

Like everybody would just be crying. Or happy, I don't know. I've become so numb. Yeah... There's enough songs about, like... Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor. I love that song. I don't know, it's just so enduring, that drowning pool.

I don't know, it kind of just makes everything awesome. I remember the very first, like, YouTube video. I watched Had that in it and it was like a it was like a kind of really early Machinima was even World of Warcraft like a game before that and it was just like some people killing I think it was like some like runescape people killing people in runescape and runescape graphics are like total shit, right? But with drowning pool behind it. I was just like the best thing ever.

It was like, oh my god, this game looks amazing! So I played it for like five minutes, and then I was like, this game sucks. So is that your answer to this, then? You'd want to let the bodies hit the floor? Drowning Pool. Yeah, I think that would be fucking hilarious. Yeah, I think that would be good.

Oh man. What about like some Little Ritter or something? Something like really upbeat. Tiptoe through the tulips, la-da-la-da, la-da-la-da-da. Yeah, just like some random kid song started playing or something. That'd be pretty weird. Like the Sesame Street theme music or something. Time for Teletubbies. Time for Teletubbies! Oh, no. Oh, God. No.

Oh, yeah. When did that come out? That was, like, in the 90s, right? Yeah. All the best ideas came out in the 90s. Spice Girls. Boy Zone. West Life. Take that. Boyzone Westlife

Take that Maybe they were the 80s Oh yeah they were the 90s Very early 90s if they were What actually were the 90s famous for? Grunge Grunge was pretty popular in the 90s

I spent like 10 years in the 90s From age 7 to 17. Wow. I can't really remember very much about them. Yeah, no, the 90s were good, though. They're kind of forgotten, though. Everybody remembers the 80s really well, but nothing overly interesting happened in the 90s.

But tons of stuff did. But it's never remembered as fondly as the 80s for some reason. The 80s was like terrible. The 80s was amazing. The clothes people used to wear in the 80s were just like... The glasses. Oh, the brown cars. I mean...

The brown cars. My dad had a brown car. And weird leather shoes. High tops. Yeah. High top leather shoes. Oh my goodness. Yeah.

I'm glad that I was just a kid in the 80s. Portable CD players. You know, like really big Discmans that you just carry around. Yeah, Discmans. Remember, I got the first MP3 player. It was a creative MP3 player, and it was the size of a Discman. It was gigantic.

It had a full hard drive in it, and it took six AA batteries, and literally they lasted for like an hour. It was disgusting. It was just such a beast. Wow. And you could fit seven MP3s on it. Pretty much, yeah. And you downloaded them off

Kazaa. Yeah, and they were all different bitrates and stuff. One would be really quiet, so you'd have your volume turned all the way up. It took three hours to download. Hey, that's a good question. Do you remember the first MP3 you ever downloaded?

Oh, God. I think I went to download something, and it wasn't what I expected it to be. It was, like, something else that was named that. So I went to download, like, I don't know, let's say Drowning Pool, and it was, like, some kind of boy band instead. I think it was, like, some Irish boy band. Oh, no, it was, like kind of boy band instead. I think it was like some Irish boy band. Oh no, it was like Bewitched or something. That, oh god. Yeah, I remember that and I remember

trying to download like Zoolander one time and it was it was like it was like Army of the Damned or something instead. Did you watch it anyway? Yeah, yeah, I did. I downloaded the first MP3 I ever downloaded.

My friend told me about Napster, and I just couldn't believe it. I just thought it was the most amazing thing ever. To think that I could just download any song I could think of to my computer in ten minutes or whatever, however long it took to download 1 mp3. Not Army of Damned, Army of Darkness.

It was Army of Darkness that I got instead of Zoolander. That's pretty good, Army of Darkness is good. I know, Army of Darkness was fucking amazing. I mean it's better than Zoolander. It is far better than Zoolander. Simon might disagree, he quite likes Zoolander. Yeah, I don't know about that. Zoolander. Oh, what? Yeah, it was amazing.

Okay, yeah. So I get Napster. And then, because my friend told me about it. And then the first thing I downloaded was You Can't Touch This by MC Hammer. Because I was so excited. I was so excited to

just download anything. And I was pleased with the result too. That's a great song. It's a really good song. What was the first song you downloaded Simon? Tiptoe through the drooling I've put that in your head now. That's it. You're screwed. I don't know if I can do the wavering voice thing, because my voice is a little bit fucked at the moment. Hmm. Probably can't do it.

Ah! No. Dear Bo, through the true land. Ah! Ah! It's a bit like that. That's amazing. It's difficult to do. I think that's a lot better that. That's amazing. I think that's a lot better than how it was originally.

I don't think he did it that much. I think he was a little bit higher, though. Maybe. Maybe a little bit. Yeah, I didn't want to strain myself. Yeah, be careful. You've got to keep your voice in good nick. You've had trouble doing the recording lately, haven't you?

It's because you've got a bit of cold it's this bad weather you're like terry wogan you know the harsh winter like knocks you over for a few months you lost your ass in vietnam you've got that wooden ass now and then every time it gets cold like it like seizes up

and you can't do anything or maybe not an ass a wooden ass that seizes up. You have a wooden ass. Yeah. It just seizes up in the cold weather. Are we talking about an ass, or are we talking about a donkey? Which of those did Simon get in

Vietnam? And also, how'd you get your ass blown off? I don't know why you'd bring a donkey back. You just can't. I mean, shrapnel or something? I don't know. People lost many things in Vietnam. But would you need to replace the entire ass? Or would you have like a wooden plate? I mean...

Imagine just losing like one cheek. Like they had to surgically remove like an entire like ass cheek, but like they left the other one in place. That'd be pretty weird. It wouldn't be very surgical the removal of an entire ass cheek. They probably had to do that with Darth Vader. Do you think they would give you an implant on the other side?

What if it just got infected or something and they just had to take it off? Your whole arse cheek got infected. An infected buttock. Just one side though, one cheek. The other cheek was totally fine. So it got really like swollen and red yeah and so like yeah and then if it was really swollen you'd be sitting a bit lopsided because like it'd be too big and then they'd surgically remove that side and then it would be the other way around if they

didn't if they didn't like give you maybe they just give you like a like a silicone cheek or something i don't know a silk yeah that's what they do these days. What they do is they take some skin from somewhere else, like such as your face maybe. Your love handles. And then they put that onto your ass where you lost skin, and then they put silicone in. Yeah, they just take some fat from your neck,

and then they put that into your ass. Yeah. I mean, if you lose fat around your neck and then they put that into your ass. Yeah. I mean, if you lose fat around your neck, they replace it with fat from your ass. So I would guess it would work the other way around too, for sure.

I mean, I'm not a doctor, but I think I... Yeah, you are. You're just as good as one. I mean, you seem to know what you're talking about. Yeah. I think I know what I're talking about. Yeah. I think I know what I'm talking about. Alright. So, um, that was like how many questions? That was like six.

And then we asked more off the back of them. So actually we've answered about like 53 questions. Just good going. Good going for one sitting. GG everyone. Good going. Good going for One City. GG, everyone. Good going. Good going. Good job, team.

Good job. Well, there we are. Thank you very much for listening, everyone, and we will end this podcast with some deleted scenes from the Christmas Yoggpod, which didn't make it into the last one. So, here you go.

Okay, here's a good question. This question is from the underscore ginger kid underscore fourteen. X-I-V. Dear Lewis and Simon and Hannah. X-I-V. What, fourteen? Yeah. But not spelled with the Roman numerals. On the occasions where you feel Your primal British urge Too strong to resist

And indulge yourself in a cream tea Do you generally place the jam On the scone first, followed by cream Or do you drown the scone In cream and add jam afterwards Or do you have some other method For eating your creamy jammy scones in a cream tea? Simon

Okay Now I think there's there's a confusion here This is probably someone who has never actually had a cream tea, but it's just read about them Yeah, we heard about them the cream you get isn't the sort of cream that you add to coffee Yes, clotted cream, right? so it's a thick cream that is like whipped cream, but even thicker. And you put that on first.

That goes on the scone first. And then you add the jam on top of it. It's not very complicated. I mean, it's like peanut butter and jelly you put the peanut butter on first and then you add the jam you don't you know you don't add the jam and then the peanut butter because that would just be messy and weird it's all about yeah however you gotta have rules um it does depend on the consistency of the cream. Because some... I mean, the way I like to think of it is you treat the cream as butter.

So instead of buttering your scone and then putting jam on it, you put cream on and then put jam on it. But sometimes the cream you get is actually very kind of lightweight and hard to spread. And I actually prefer to go butter and then jam and then cream. Butter, jam and cream? A very thin layer of butter and then a nice jammy layer. Oh my god, that's just too much Lewis. Why add any butter at all then? Because if you get very very thin whipped cream it doesn't do enough in terms of the...

It doesn't make the scone buttery enough. But a nice thick whipped cream will cause you to not need butter. Right. He's saying that you need moisture or something. Yes. You don't use it as like a like an agent to hold together the next thing that you're adding to the scone.

It's one of those problems is that if you add, if you make a sandwich and you add a lot of salad, the salad will just fall out because there's nothing holding it in the sandwich. Ah. Which is why I like to add clotted cream into Do you, I mean do you put the lid back on Which is why I like to add clotted cream into...

Do you put the lid back on the scone after you've made your scone? Or do you eat the two halves of the scone separately? It's very dangerous if you attempt to eat a scone with filling inside. Making a scone sandwich, it's frowned upon. The Queen doesn't do it, certainly. No. Her Majesty, the Queen, Royal Highness of the Empire and of the Englands.

That's her official title. I feel like we need to address these things because you could see amateurs making a terrible mess putting their foot right in it. Right up the jacksy of the scone. And completely

causing a terrible ruckus. An unsightly mess. I mean, there's a lot of noobs out there who don't know how to eat scones properly. And they need to be educated, lest they be owned by the scone.

Sconed. They look to us for advice i mean do you i mean how does also i mean the tea is an important one as well how do you do the tea if the queen did come for example if the queen came right now knocked on our door i open the door she says hello i am the queen. One is very hungry. Do you have anything to eat? Yes, you're expected, your majesty. Please come in.

Come with me through to the dining room. Oh, you never ask. Thank you. Sit one's royal buttocks down in this comfortable chair and I will. Did you just say the buttocks word? The one's face oh my god uh so anyway if i was to bring the queen this wonderful delicious cream tea what would be the the optimum requirements for the tea simon well it it needs to be... First of all, the table needs to be laid.

Okay? Okay. Because it hasn't got any in a very long time and it's very tense. And... That just came out of nowhere. It's funny how that just came into my head. And once... So you need a tablecloth.

You need a nice, freshly laundered and starched tablecloth. Ironed. Floral print. Frills around it. Lace. Pressed, not ironed. And also, of course, this is a mahogany table, wooden table. No, you it, lace. Pressed, not ironed. And also, of course, this is a mahogany table, wooden table.

No cheap. One single leg. Not like a big four-leg table. A single leg. A comfy upholstered chair with probable floral print, pink and gold

stitching. And it needs like a lace doily thing so she can rest her head against the back of the chair without thinking that she might get chair germs. There'll be a lace doily on the back of the chair but there will also be lace doilies on the table, circular doilies.

Yeah, and on the arms of the chair and on the floor where her feet are going to be. Yes. And on her knees. Yes.

Strapped on like pads. And her elbows too. Yeah. Basically the queen is going to be covered in doilies. Yes.

To protect her. Yes. From the germs. Her Majesty the Queen she always wear doilies all over her body. She would look like Lady Gaga, wouldn't she?

The Queen, dressed up with lace all over her. Simon, you're dressed up in a tuxedo, full tuxedo. Am I? Bow tie. Oh right, in this bit, yeah. You're the waiter And you're going to be bringing her cream tea

So go through the rigmarole Of preparing the tea And serving it and everything Okay Well, the china that you use Is very important So it needs to be a nice crockery set and a china teapot.

Only the best tea as well. PG tips, right? None of that Tetley crap. PG tips. The finest tea. What you want to do is you want to put in, if it's just the queen herself, by her own, who's having tea,

you put in two tea bags into the teapot. A big yellow one, she likes. Does she? So you put two tea bags in there and you swirl them around a bit and you leave it to Stu with, um, because Stu knows how to make tea. He's very good at that. Okay. So, uh...

So is the big yellow teapot Royal Dalton? Is it sort of a make of China commissioned by the Queen? Sure. It's, um... It's, uh, It's Timothy Dalton. Timothy Dalton. Timothy Dalton's own brand. Royal commission. Royal Dalton.

I want a cup of I want a teapot made by James Bond. That's what she said. Okay. On Her Majesty's Secret Service was playing. That's what she said! I had to keep repeating it so you'd get it.

I'm sorry, so is the teapot got a cosy on it? A knitted cosy? It's got a cozy a cozy what a tea cozy a tea cozy on it to keep the teapot warm yeah it's got one of those it's um it's like a mr blobby one she's got on there okay from noel's house party okay the bbc sat Saturday evening family entertainment show hosted by Noel Edmonds set in the small town of Crinkly Bottom. She had that for a long time.

Did Noel send that to her? So, yeah, she has a nice cup of tea in a nice china cup. She likes to drink it with her little finger sticking out. She sort of makes like, it's like a devil sign that she makes. She picks up the tea cup with her like forefinger and thumb and her little finger is sticking out and it looks like she's making sort of a devil sign. Oh, I see. She sips the tea. From her Timothy Dalton china cup. Oh, it's a lovely cup of tea!

Hello! It's... Oh my god, the queen's turned into, like, a female Griswold. That is terrifying. Oh my god. What is going on? He's taking over. He's taking over your personality.

I'm enjoying this cup of tea! What are you doing, no how are the scones the butter the jam the cream uh the bilk all served i mean how do you do you pour it on a plate do you pour it for her i mean is it on one of those cake trays here with multiple layers silver is does the tea come... I mean, what's the tea service? Is it a metal tray or a plastic tray with Mr. Blobby on it? It's a full service with a happy ending. Okay.

The Queen insists upon a full tea service with a happy ending. Okay, good. It's good to know. The happy ending is one of those, it's like a little chocolate mint. Oh, I see. It does sound like a brand of chocolate mint, happy ending. We should make that. We should do that. We should do our own brand of mints called happy endings. Yeah, sure. Let's get on that well there you go so you know

how much would this set back the queen you know in in let's say you're you're in the ritz or somewhere how much would a cream tea how much would be a reasonable price to pay for this this wonderful service about two pound fifty okay i think it's a fair price. That sounds reasonable to me. It's quite a good price because you can just leave an extra 50p as a tip, so you round it up to £3. Does the Queen carry change in her purse, or would she have to write a cheque for that? It's famously said that the Queen never carries money around with her, but that's actually not true. It's a rumour, it's misinformation that's spread so that the Queen doesn't get mugged. Right.

She does actually carry Murray. She carries Murray. Murray around. And he is the protector of her money. Okay. She carries a little Murray Walker, and he he's i have your change right here and he carries the money for her little murray walker yeah and um and it's go go go oh murray amazing okay so yeah the queen does carry money, but not to spend.

Right. Because the Queen, she doesn't have to carry any form of ID, like a driver's license or a passport. She just shows them, like, a five-pound note. And she says, This is me here! Who the fuck do you think I was? Lady Cargar! And of course she's wearing all the lace doilies

all over her face. Yeah. And then she gets bundled into the back of a panda car and driven off. Back to the palace. Yeah. If you're the Queen of England, I'm the Queen of Sheba!

That's what the police officer said. Wow. Okay. Or HRH. You've just listened to the 40th episode of The Yog Pod, which was produced by The Yogscast and starred Simon Lane, Lewis Brindley, and Sips. The music you're listening to was written and produced by me, Sparkles, who also had the task of editing this bollocks together. I'm now going to go and sleep off a hangover.

Bye! Do you want me to get Sparkles to edit this, Sips? Who? you