Triforce! - YoGPoD 42: Strawnana

Episode Date: July 4, 2012

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In the back of a hostage To show that someone's still alive Oh my god It's a bit like that Sticking one of them in there Okay Sorry Blimey

Hello and welcome hello hello Yogpod, Yogpod, this is the Yogpod Hello and welcome to the Yogpod. How you doing, Simon? Wait, what? This is the podcast. The what? Yeah, I know. It's been a little while. The Yogpod?

I got a phone call from Fred, who does the animations. He was like, Oh no, there are no more podcast material running out. So he was panicking because he didn't have any more things to animate. Where's he from again? He's from Sweden, actually. Okay, that was a Swedish accent. Okay. Yeah.

Of course it was. And therefore, we're going to start start going I thought we'd just start off Talking a bit about E3 Because we just came back from E3 Oh god yes Do you want to tell me what it was like Your experience going to LA And going to E3 for the first time

I think it would be good to talk about So go on run me down It was magical We went to E3 We went to California You always start You always start with it was magical we went to e3 we went to california you always start we always start with it was magical every time do i do i oh god yeah that's fine though it's fine it was magical We visited the Getty Museum place. We visited Universal Studios Florida, which for some reason was in Los Angeles. I don't know what it was doing there.

It was a bit confused. Maybe it got lost on the way. Yep, that happens. We got to experience rides, which made me feel quite ill. The Mummy Ride, or the Mummy 2 Ride, or whatever it was called. I really didn't like that. I spoke to the guy who was doing the tour, and I said, look, I don't like rides with a lot of movement,

and I went on this ride in the dark at Disney, and it was horrible. And he said, oh, don't worry about it oh don't worry about it don't worry about it the worst ride is the simpsons one and i'd just been on the simpsons one and it was fine and i was like all right i've just been on that i said to him and it was fine i said and he said okay well then you're all set and then i was put in the mummy and it was horrible. I was in the dark. I was being thrown around. You go backwards.

I wanted to be sick. They take a photo of you as they do on these rides and I looked like I was enduring this torment. You know, my eyes were crushed closed. Yeah. And I was like... I was like... Look at that. I was like the mummy.

You were like the mummy. I mean, it would have been scarier if a giant TV screen showed my face in the ride. Everyone would have screamed. I would have gone... And everyone watching the screen would have gone and everyone watching the screen would have gone but no we were in the dark it was terrible wasn't it

it was fucking awful I didn't think the mummy ride was too bad were you kidding me you don't like things that you can't control you don't... Are you kidding me? You don't like things that you can't control. You know, you don't like being in a ride, like being trapped in a sort of compartment that propels you around. But I thought the haunted house at Universal Studios was a lot scarier,

which is where we basically walked around this sort of dingy, sort of haunted house type place. And there were lots of actors kind of dressed up. The scariest thing, right? The scariest thing to me about the haunted house was the fact that I couldn't see where I was walking and there were stairs. That was the scariest thing to me in there.

Your biggest fear, a set of stairs. Yeah. You need to work out more. You need to do more exercise. I'm like a Dalek. I'm set of stairs You need to work out more You need to do more exercise I'm like a Dalek I'm terrified of stairs That was disproved wasn't it In the recent Doctor Who's

They hover They were like stairs These are no problems for the Daleks And they just went I like how you changed the voice You started off with, Stairs? We don't like stairs! Oh, we're not scared of them!

Up I go! La la la! Exterminate! Annihilate! Destroy all humans! Went a little bit Griswold-y. A little bit Griswold-y there at the end. Oh, God, I love the Daleks.

So, yeah, and then you launched into the real dalek voice i like that that was good that's good i'm proud of you man it was good there weren't any any of that kind of stuff it felt like universal judas quite interesting because there were so many things missing from it you know so many big like film ips you know it was like it was like hollywood super film awesome but there were massive chunks missing because they only have certain intellectual properties that they use. There was no Avengers ride. That was missing.

No, no. Did you see the Avengers, by the way? I haven't seen it, no. Oh, wow. Okay, good. I don't really care. I don't really care about it, you know? It's like the biggest viewed film of all time. It's like huge.

It's massive. And that means it's good, obviously. This is a letter, actually. This is a letter. I've actually got a stack of letters here from fans. Do you have a bulging sack full of posts? Of correspondence. We've had so much correspondence.

Now, I have a very good idea the kind of letters that we get and i think calling correspondent is slightly too grandiose you think so slightly too grandiose okay well this is from gregory lechner hello gregory he says what is your favorite character from the avengers Were you a comic book fan as a child? Do you like reading comics? So go on, who's your favourite comic book or Avengers character? Oh, God. Comic books.

This is a tricky one. I think it might be John Constantine. One of my favourite comic book characters. Right. He's like a liver-puddling conjurer magician type guy who makes deals with demons and basically gets everyone he knows killed at various points of his life. It's a very good series.

Is he from Sandman? Sandman? He is, yeah. He's the Sandman. Oh, my God. He's from Sandman? Sandman? He is. He's the Sandman. Oh my god. He's from Sandman. Sandman. Basically. Neil Gaiman. It's Hellblazer. Oh. I don't know if he

made a cameo in Sandman. He might have done. But no, he had his own series of Hellblazer. And it was Keanu Reeves was in Constantine, the movie of it. And it was a bit strange because he's, like, blonde and he dresses like a tramp

and he's, like, a massive alcoholic, chain smoker. They kept that in, the chain smoking. And, um, obviously he's from Liverpool. And to see Constantine brought to life in the movies as keanu reeves was strange very strange very strange but i liked it actually i like the movie i thought it was faithful in the right areas you know the tone overall was pretty close and you know it was enjoyable movie so that's my favorite character at the avengers john constantine that's a very serious answer thank you damn that's a good answer so a less um

intellectual question how many five-year-olds could you take in a fight or how many 90 year olds could you take in a fight? Am I armed? No, you're unarmed. I'm unarmed. I've lost my arms. They've been ripped off by hungry five-year-olds. Yeah, zombie five-year-olds. And senile 90-year-old men.

Yeah. Zombies. They're zombies. Well, let's imagine they're zombies. Oh, God. That'll put a twist on it. Yeah. They're vicious. It makes them easier to kill. Zombies are

much easier to kill. The danger of zombies is that there's so many of them. Right. How are zombies easier to kill? Because you just, like, hit them in the face and their head explodes. Right. And goo goes everywhere. Haven't you seen a zombie movie? Well, I have,

but... I played a video game of zombies in. I mean... They just explode just explode you know you just have to look at one and sort of do like a blue steel look they do seem fragile they just explode yeah like they're about to fall apart but i don't know i don't know so zombie how many zombie five-year-olds could i take in a fight or 90 90-year-olds. Now, I think the 90-year-olds would be harder because, you know, they probably have prosthetics. They probably have, like, basically what I'm thinking of them. They're a bit like Wolverine.

They've got, like, this metal skeleton inside of them that makes them invulnerable. I was thinking, like, a pirate's eye patch and a fake leg, that kind of prosthetic. I don't think they've used wooden legs as prosthetics for quite some time in, you know, the civilised world, inverted commas. Probably not.

I'm sorry, Lewis. We had to amputate your leg. But it's okay because we put a table leg on it instead. We just stuck this in your stump. There we go. And now I speak like a pirate. We stuck it. After that.

Every time. Is that what happens? Yeah. Pirates are like, oh, I do like sailing the seven seas. It's gone grist-worthy again. Hello, I do like sailing the seven seas. It's gone grist-worthy again. Hello, I do like sailing the seven seas. Turn into the Daleks. Yeah, and they're Daleks as well.

God's sake. I heart me hearties. That was Stephen Hawking, not a Dalek. And then you stick the wooden leg in them, or in the Daleks' case, you stick it in their head, so it's like instead of the plunger, they've got a table leg sticking out of their head. And suddenly it's like,

Arr! Exterminate Illionate! Destroy all humans! Arr! Meladie! Yes. That's what happens to them. Yeah.

That's quite a mental image wow i mean knowing how tough old men are from my dad you know i reckon my dad's like 80 almost now actually i'm not sure that would be that's a lie he seems 80 but when he's 90 he's still gonna be a tough old like you know he's been through a lot not taking any nonsense you know i probably couldn't even take my dad on you know so i don't think i could take more than about one 90 year old you think the thing about your dad is i think he is a superhero i think he is a bit like claire the cheerleader from heroes There was that time he was pissing around with guttering on the roof and he fell off of the ladder. He's doing that every week.

And he broke his neck. But then he got up with a broken neck and he went with his head to straighten the neck up. And then he carried on. Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, I've fallen off of the roof. Oh, for goodness sake. I've fallen off of the roof. Oh, for goodness sake. I've fallen off the roof.

I've fallen off the roof. No. And then he fell onto one of the tables, and he got the table leg, like, stuck in him as, like, an extra arm. Where? Oh, goodness. And then he spoke like a pirate after that wow that's actually what happened geez true well wow that's amazing uh so yeah otherwise five-year-olds i don't know how many how many could you conceivably take like like five

or six maybe i think i think you know you could hold a couple of them at bay maybe one one on a good day do you think i don't know i think i mean what if i'm asleep what they ambush you yeah they just start like nibbling on my toes or something and they turn me into a zombie. I think it would be more of an arena-style battle. So, you know, you'd be... Simon versus five-year-olds! Gladiatorial combat with me and zombie five-year-olds.

Fight! Yeah. Gladiatorial. You know how it would end? There you go. Mummy, mummy, can I listen to the Yod Pod? Fuck off. Mummy, no!

Obviously that's J.K. Rowling in The Child. Well, that was a good question. Thank you, Gregory. He's actually sent another one here. Simon. Oh, great. Do you believe in ghosts or haunted spirits? And would you stay in a haunted house for 100, 100, 100 pounds?

So, 100 million pounds. Would you stay in a haunted house for 100 million pounds? Not like a haunted house for Halloween. Right. Or like the one at Universal Studios. Wow. Added that in. But like a haunted house that's on the edge of a crevasse that falls straight to hell,

where you must watch Satan sitting on the toilet and the house where the housewife brutally murdered her child and stuffed them in the chimney. Now What? That's a strange paragraph That is which I hadn't read before but now I've read it

I feel like I sound like a lunatic. Let's analyse this. So not a normal haunted house, but one on the edge of a crevasse that falls straight to hell where you must watch Satan sitting on the toilet. And the house where the housewife brutally murdered her child

and stuffed him up the chimney. Now, maybe she was in a sort of arena fight okay it's five year olds maybe what they maybe that's what happened to zombies they were killed they were stuffed up the chimney and their ghost is all dressed up really smart in like school uniform oh and he's actually haunting the house, and he wants to kill you. So it's actual... Would you stay there for £100 million? For £100 million? I don't know, because if I would die, you know, if a ghost would kill me,

I don't know if I'd really be in any danger. I mean, maybe I would go crazy, in which case, you know, £100 million wouldn't do me any good because I'd be mad. I'd spend it all on the real money auction house in Diablo. Who's putting up this £100 million anyway? I don't know. I don't know. A crazy billionaire, you know.

Okay. I don't know, a crazy billionaire, you know. Okay. He's lost his mind and, you know, he just wants to fuck with people, basically. Okay. Maybe he gets, you know, dozens, hundreds of people every year to do stupid things just to entertain him. So he's not even interested in this. It's just, you know, something whimsical for him.

So, you know, tell me what's happening so you you pull up to this house so the taxi pulls up and you know that the man the taxi driver he says you know at 17 pound 40 mate and i'm like okay 1740. I look in my wallet. I've got, like, about £8 in cash. But I've got my card on me. And I say, you know, I've only got £8 in cash. Can I pay by card? And he just sort of, he goes like, it's an extra £2 if you pay by card. And I say, well, I don't have enough cash. And he says, are you sure? You know, you don't have enough cash and he says are you sure

you don't have 20 and I look at my wallet and I'm like no I've only got that and he says okay so I have to pay an extra £2 on top of the £17.40 for the fare but also I feel like I should leave a tip

now this is awkward because £17. 40 plus the two pound charge for using a card is 19 pounds 40 and what i did without even thinking right i said 20 quid we'll round it up to 20 and he looked really angry during it and i thought it was because of the hassle of doing the card thing but it turns out i only tipped him 60 pence now i didn't even think you know because because because yeah yeah i didn't realize because i thought i was running up 17 pound yeah yeah but of course i only i only tipped him 60p and you know i leave you know the taxi driver and he drives off and he looks really pissed off and it's only when he drives off that I realize you know that I've only tipped him like an

insultingly small amount of money if I had just paid the 19 pound 40 then he probably wouldn't have thought much of it but the fact that I tipped him such a small amount of money that was an insult it's like when you have a meal and you leave like five pence in change instead of you know like a fiver it's like you know this is terrible is you know five p that's terrible god that's that that is terrifying absolutely i mean this is a terrifying story already um i mean typically in horror films you know the tax driver is like, oh, I'm not sure you want to go over to the old Wilson place, you know. Are you sure about it? No, he'd never been there before.

Had he never been there? He didn't know anything about it. He's not a local taxi driver. I wouldn't have gotten a local taxi driver. I got him from Bristol. He drove all the way to this place, which is why the fare was, you know, so much. Oh, right. Well, it can't have been that far if it was only £19. Well, the fare was £17.40. I mean, £17.40. So how far is this place out of Bristol? It was only a couple of miles, I guess.

But, you know, it's a big area around here. And he obviously wasn't from this part. Right. You know, maybe it was up north of bristol and he's from the south of bristol and maybe devon or somerset or somewhere but surely surely you know rumors of this haunted place would have you know gone around amongst the cabbies and they would have you know told each other oh you know be careful of the old wilson place it's haunted terribly haunted no he didn't seem to have heard of it.

He'd never heard of it. I mean, it took us a while to get going because, you know, I said, you know, I'm going to the old Wilson place. And he said, sorry, mate, where's... I said, the old Wilson place? And he said, I don't know of it, mate, sorry. And I had to check the email I got from the invite and get the postcode so that he could put it into the GPS.

But he didn't really know how to use the GPS, so I had to enter all the things for him. So I had to go through, you know, set destination to, set the postcode, BS, whatever it was. So he didn't even really know. He had no idea. He had no idea. And, of course, I go through all this trouble. And in the end, I only tipped him 60p.

Maybe he thinks that I was so pissed off at having to enter all that stuff and pay the extra two quid that, you know, I only gave him that tiny tip. Wow. And that weighed so heavily on my mind, you know, for the whole evening that I spent in that haunted house. But it didn't really bother me, all the ghosts and stuff, because I was just sat there at the kitchen table. There was like a severed head of a child rolling by on the counter. And all I could think was, I only tip that guy, you know, 60p.

And I'm thinking, I'm going to have to get a taxi back from this place what if it's the same guy oh god i mean again i've only got eight quid cash on me so i'm gonna have to pay by card again and it's gonna be about the same amount well you can't call a local taxi driver because you know they're not gonna come i ain't got the number for a local one i only got one for the one in bristol on my phone and i ain't got much of a signal here so you know i don't want to piss around and start ringing at all these different cab places so you know and by morning when i leave you know i might only have like eight percent battery left on my iphone so you know oh and all of this was troubling me so much that you know i barely noticed the walls bleeding and you know the the skinless cats crawling across the ceiling and satan just having a shit uh in the bathroom yeah there's not many there wasn't many

windows facing the crevice so you know oh right he may not have been there taking a dump i assume he's not taking a dump 24 hours a day well i don. Maybe... Maybe he eats a lot of eggs. We don't know. In hell. Wow. And cheese. Possible. He's constantly visiting the bathroom. Cheese omelettes. Eats too many cheese omelettes in hell. Very, very possible.

There you go. Thanks, Greg. Thank you, Gregory, for that letter. I feel like, you know, I know him. I can call him Greg. Sure. Crikey. Well, that was an adventure. Good. Okay. So,

shall we move on to the next one? Sure. Sure. This is from Arcturus Aeduchus. Right. Also known as Arthur. We'll call him Arthur for short. Hello, Arthur.

Hey, Arthur. He says, hello. I've made up some cool questions for you to discuss. If you could leave five rules or five wise sentences for your ancestors to read 350 years later. Now, where is he from, Lewis? Is he Indian? Is he Chinese? Is he Norwegian? I've got no idea.

He's multinational. Okay. If you could leave five rules or five wise sentences for your ancestors to read 350 years later, what would they be? So five rules, five wise sentences for your ancestors to read.

So if you could impart your knowledge from the past, like you left a time capsule. So almost like, I mean, this would be your great, great, great, great, great granddad leaving you a message right what do you think he would leave you and you know what do you think you would want to leave him your great great great great great grandson i would say i would say be excellent to each other and party on wow dude okay Dude. Okay, one. That would be one. Be excellent to each other and party on. Is that a quote from Bill and Ted's Most Excellent Adventure?

It is. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Very wise words. Exactly. And I think it bears repeating, and it's something that should be remembered. Whoa. Man.

Be excellent. Okay, that's good wow number two number two um don't eat the yellow snow i think that's a very important lesson oh that's a proverb i mean that's gonna be you know um it's like something you'd find in a fortune cookie isn't it yeah that one i was thinking something more personal you know something that you've learned from from in your life rather than sort of these catchy you know things that sort of throw away lines so i was thinking something a bit more so that's so that's that's two universal well-known pearls of wisdom and yeah the remaining three should be based on my years of experience yeah okay i've got a good one i've got a good one

make sure everything's dead before you loot i think it's a very important one no mid-combat looting because that's just rude okay right very useful if in 350 years time there has been a sort of some sort of post-apocalyptic war, and you're great, great, great, great, and is a scavenger in a kind of Fallout-esque world, make sure they're dead before you loot their corpses, yes. It's good. It's a good bit of advice. Although, actually, if you think about it, if you're being attacked by a bunch of mutants and you kill a couple and there's more coming towards

you what if the mutants had like guns and stuff on them surely you'd want to loot the guns to shoot the new mutant mutants that are coming are they cows so i don't know if that's i don't know if that's good advice anymore um um well but you have to take every piece of advice with a pinch of salt and measure it, judge it it should be taken with a cellar salt yes

absolutely that's a good one I like that, I think that's practical, it's applicable to many circumstances certainly if the world has you know turned into a bad bad situation okay go on then so imagine instead that you know these guys the world isn't post-apocalyptic though i think we should try and do a catch-all so imagine that this sort of back to future worldfuture world with jetpacks and hoverboards and floating billboards and future crime, that kind of stuff.

Like, you know, Minority Report meets Terminator meets The Jetsons. Wow. That would be the best movie ever, first of all. That would be incredible as a crossover oh my god wow not a dystopian future but more of a utopian future society yeah yeah where you can get in your little space car and drive up to a takeaway like burger joint that's like in orbit and you can like party and drink wine out of like a bubble no no you drink it out of a pill wouldn't you you just have a pill and that'd be a bottle of wine

or you'd have like a little drip of water on it and it would like swell up to the size of a bottle of wine or what wow a dehydrated bottle of wine yeah in pill form that'd be incredible okay well in that case some very wise words of advice keep all of your food pills in waterproof packaging because there's nothing worse than going down to sainsbury's on a rainy day other food supermarkets are available going down to sainsbury's on a rainy day and you don't take a bag with you and you walk out with like a fistful of pills the rain hits it and suddenly there's a magnificent feast all over the pavement yeah there's just like a big a whole roast chicken like just springs out of your pocket and you overflow and you're like covered in steaks and like you know oh no there's like a

roll of a truckle of cheese just rolling down the hill sausage rolls just spill out of your breast pocket the sausage rolls everywhere oh goodness so yeah always keep your food pills in waterproof packaging. Okay, so that's number four. Good. That's a good one. That is a good one. Less applicable if it turns out that there's an apocalyptic scenario and everybody is scavenging. Depends how long that scenario is, though.

If it's a future apocalypse, they may well have food pills before the apocalypse. That's a good point, actually. It could be relevant. They could both be relevant. I'm a man. And when I'm not having a pint in the pub or working on chip building site,

I listen to Yoggpod. The final one. The final one. I think it should be something to do with um you know future future work future future love something like that where you know in the future you know relationships may have changed we may have changed we may be living for hundreds of years you know medicine might be keeping people alive we all we all might be inside machines as well our brains might have been sort of transplanted out and put into computers so we might be having these sort of virtual we might all be living in a virtual world um you know like the matrix or it

might be you know like something crazy cyberspace cyberspace we will be living in cyberspace it's the new frontier you know it might be slightly get a doctor who like your face just gets stretched over a a vat of goo and you're like you're like actually just a big wobbly vat of goo with your face and a computer in it wow i don't know that sounds amazing so what would you give advice to people if they were in that sort of, you know, cyberpunk future? Is there anything you'd say? Oh, my God. That's quite a complicated scenario that you sort of laid out there.

And I don't know whether my life experience and things I've learned during it would be terribly useful. If you're going on a long journey, make sure you bring wet wipes with you because cucumber ones are quite nice. If you need to freshen up, it's, it's almost like taking a shower you feel so much better afterwards there you go, magic that is a great bit of

pearl of wisdom well done you've picked the cherry off the tree I've picked that cherry off of the cherry tree and I've put it on a delicious sundae of wisdom if you're ever going on a long journey, get yourself some wet wipes.

Absolutely. Get yourself some wet wipes. Why not? You dummy. Come on. What are you playing at, you dingus? For your health. And that would work.

That would work. I mean, you could use it to, like, wipe down your input plug, you know, on your forehead or wherever you plug your computer into. My dirty input hole. You could use it to, you know, when you have to jack in, you could wipe that down. Lovely. You're disgusting. Absolutely. so so there you go so yeah that's that's good thank you thank you so much thank you arthur that is but thank you arthur thanks that was a magical

smile so next we've got a letter from ben lane lane He sent us quite a few questions. Hello. Yeah, is he related to you? He might be. He might well be. Maybe. My cousin Ben. He says, Simon. Ben. Love you. Love your stuff. Oh, thank you. You're amazing. Oh, so are you. All hail the derpy bird.

This might have been from a while back because that derpy bird was quite a while ago. Yeah, bloody hell hell some last year if you could travel back in time and only change one thing what would you change so you could go back you could go back proper far so i mean don't don't just don't just don't proper far yeah don't just don't just splurge the answer out don't say oh right you need to think you know more deeply't say oh kill hitler right you need to think you know more deeply about it okay okay you need to you need to think okay you've got your own past you've got your own ancestors you know you could change the way you know you can make yourself

king you can make yourself rich you could you know also you can go back way far you can go back to dinosaurs uh or jesus times or whenever. I think I would go back in time and kill Hitler. Oh, no. Why would you kill Hitler? No, no, no. Okay, that was a joke. Good. I would, I'll tell you what, I would go back to Jesus times, as you said.

So poetically. And I would actually, I would save Jesus, right? Right. I would stop him from dying, from being crucified. Now, how would you do this? So then he wouldn't have died for our sins. Oh. So we would all be damned. Oh.

Everyone from then on would be damned. And I would laugh. And I would then carve in the side of a mountain a giant troll face. Wow. And I would invent the phonograph, and I would record myself singing the tralala-lol song, and I would bury it in the mountain. So, I mean, okay, I want to know how you would infiltrate Jesus times,

and how you would then raise, how you would basically get Jesus down off the cross. I would disguise myself as a Roman centurion. Okay. And what would happen is I would hide and wait until a Roman centurion walked by. And then I would bang him on the head and then drag him into a closet remove his clothing remove my clothing fool around with him a bit then put on his clothing dress him in my clothing right and then i would say i would come out dragging his still unconscious body and i would say

hey everyone i've caught a jew that's claiming to be Jesus. And they would go, what? But we've got Jesus here. And I'd go, no, no, this is the real Jesus. That's just some guy you've got there. And then I would do the old swapsy. The switcheroony. And I would take the real Jesus and I'd swap him for this guy.

And I would then take Jesus with me and I'd say, shh, if anyone asks, your name is Dave. Hang on, hang on, hang on. He'd have to have a Latin name. So he would be like Davidos or Davinos or something like that. Or Davidicus. I don't think Jesus, I don't think he was Roman, so he wouldn't have spoke Latin or had a Latin name.

Unless you mean like Latin as in Latin American. Oh. He would be Eduardo. Eduardo. Sure. So you spirited him away, do you, to a secret hidey hole? Yeah. And I would raise him as my son.

And we would be very happy together. It'd be really cool because I would get him to turn water into wine. But I would do it in, like, farms. So all of the livestock would just be drunk all the time. So all the cows would be pissed up on booze right so you do like prank miracles yeah i would prank miracle people i would basically sort of like i would hold jesus's hand and i would sort of wave it around and random miracles would happen that's how i imagine it would work so i just wave his hand around and he'd be like no what are you doing

simon and like there'd be a leper on the floor and i'd sort of like wave jesus hand and the leper would be cured and i'd be like i cured you ah how do you like that and he'd say thank you very much. And then I'd wave Jesus' hand again, and all of the water in his body would turn into wine, and he would die instantly. Oh, my God. I thought he might turn into a giant fish.

What? What? That's interesting reasoning. If you turn a man's body, right, if you turn all the water inside of a man's body into wine, he turns into a fish. No, no, no, no, no. How does that work?

Jesus has like a number of miracles. I mean, you were a scientist. You studied chemistry. Maybe that's what happens. Is that what you did in your labs? You turned men into fish. No, but didn't... I mean, Jesus had the power to, like, walk on water.

That was one of them. He also had the power... Does sushi come from hobos? Wow. Is that what happens? I don't think so. So, the second thing he did was he did the miracle with the loaves and the fishes, didn't he? Because he could, like, make more.

Oh, right, that's true, yeah yeah and that's as far as i know i think there were others but those are the ones that stick in my mind yeah so i mean what i'm saying is if you did wave his hand around you know the random miracles he brought a guy back from the dead as well lewis don't forget that one well maybe he could just bring the leper back from the dead again then a really alcoholic zombie leper oh my god why would he suddenly become an alcoholic that's what i don't get because he's well because he's got his blood is wine his blood is yeah his blood is wine so he'd become an alcoholic i don't know i don't know but he'd have to be wouldn't he because he'd have to keep replenishing it With fresh wine Like a vampire

He would be like a vampire, only with wine Hello I am Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II And this, York Pod Is my royal appointment Hello Hello Hello One fancies a Jaffa cake Dog pod is my royal appointment. Hello? Hello?

Hello? One fancies a Jaffa cake. This is a letter from Michael Hanrahan. He asks, Simon, if you had the chance to crossbred or splice animals together. Actually, I think he wrote slice. Crossbred or slice animals. That's making me hungry.

Together. Oh. To create an awesome or demented sandwich thing. Ham and beef. What animals would you choose? Wow. Yeah. I mean, he's answered his own question, hasn't he?

Yeah. Sorry. So, if you had the chance to crossbred or slice animals together to create an awesome or demented animal what animal would you choose so so minimum animals two maximum animals five so you can actually blend multiple things together it's very specific imagine you've got like a what's your favorite kind of sandwich okay so pig and cow and chicken pig cow and chicken straight away right so so pig cow and chicken do you like having that in the same sandwich you like having bacon like beef and chicken together in a sandwich

isn't that a bit i think that'd be crazy is it pastrami the thin beef yeah yeah salted beef so pastrami sausage and fried chicken in a sandwich. Tell me that doesn't sound delicious. Well, it does, but... Corned beef, ham, slices of chicken. There's only so much you can do with chicken, isn't there? Let's be honest. But the thing is, we could always blend it with a little bit of lettuce as well, a little bit of tomato.

We could splice the genes of some animals in some some vegetables in there as well fruits bacon roast beef and chicken i hope that you're just repeating that over and over again you're not interested your answer is the most delicious animals whack them together yeah would you not like would you not do you not think it would be good to like use anything a bit more exotic though? I mean, you know, like something like ostrich or dodo or like dinosaur or tiger or rhino. Dodos must have been very tasty though. Dodos were apparently absolutely delicious.

Yeah. Which is why they're all gone. Because we ate them all. That's literally what happened. Dodos were so delicious. We ate them all. I don gone Because we ate them all That's literally what happened Dodo's was so delicious we ate them all I don't think we ate them all I think dogs ate them all Dogs liked them a lot as well And we introduced dogs

And they didn't have any natural predators On Madagascar or wherever it was And therefore they all just got They got nommed up by the wild dogs I think I think that's a rumour. That might not have actually happened. Citation needed.

But, yeah, I'm thinking more of a club sandwich. Okay, so I was thinking, you know, like chicken and bacon, but then, like, you know, avocado, maybe whack that in there as well. It's not an animal, is it? The avocado. You don't see a herd of avocado in a field well no but

if we're splicing animals let's have a bit of rocket in there bit of arugula or whatever it is they call it in America if we're splicing animals together let's add a few veg as well let's balance it stick a cucumber up a pig's ass and you'd be fucking happy wouldn't you let's have a little bit of arugula there you go

that's not crossbreeding an animal just sticking a vegetable into another animal that doesn't work also right well we've done it we've already done it there's no need to talk more about this we've got, right? Well. We've done it. We've already done it. There's no need to talk more about this. We've got chicken, chicken, cow, pig, right? Chick-cow-wig. The most delicious of animals, the chick-cow-wig. Chick-cow-wig. Chick-cow-wig.

Okay. Now, I still think that you're missing something i mean there's all sorts of lovely meats out there like kangaroo or um buffalo or uh those little hamster things like those big hamsters uh deer you know this rabbit no no let's go back what those big hamster things. You know what I'm talking about. The big hamsters that they eat in Mexico and places like that. The Incas.

The big hamsters they eat in Mexico? Yeah, they eat massive hamsters. Rats. What are they called? No, they're bigger than that. Guinea pigs? No, no, that. They're like the size of... Guinea pigs? No, no, no.

They're like the size of like... Smaller than a cow, but bigger than a pig. No, they're about the same size as pigs. Capybara. Yeah. Capybaras. Capybaras. There you go.

Oh, my God. People eat them. They're massive. Delicious. I didn't know people ate them. Of course they do. They're like lovely. didn't know people ate them. Of course they do. They're, like, lovely. Are you sure about this?

Are you absolutely sure that people eat them? I'm pretty sure they get eaten. I'm pretty sure they're quite tasty. Yeah. Well, that is messed up. Well, what else would you do with them? They're, like, big, friendly hamsters. I don't know.

You could keep them as pets in a really big wheel, you know, that they run around in. That's what they use in South America to power their electricity. The giant hamsters. Wow. Do you not think that blending something like that, you know, I mean, we don't, you know, you can't just be crazy. We'd have to do our research. We need to find out what the most delicious things are.

So you want to crossbreed a capybara with an avocado so what do you want to do they're basically the same shape already what a delicious sandwich that would be capybara and avocado god that sounds amazing i'm starving right now for that of course i think i can give that a miss we've i'll give that a miss quite happily. We've overlooked a big part of this. A big part of it is breeding together the ultimate battle animal as well, or breeding together other sort of things that would benefit mankind in some way. How do we breed these things together? Do we take them out on a date like a capybara

and an avocado? We have them watch Twilight Breaking Dawn together and like go out and they have a meal lit by candlelight and then we skip forward a few hours. They're in like a hotel. There's a hot tub.

They're drinking champagne that's in like the bucket of ice. There's rose petals on the bed. The capybara's eyeing up that avocado. The avocado's shivering with anticipation. How? Oh god.

I don't like where this is going. Is it going to end up with the avocado being shoved up? I don't know where it's going. Oh my god. Oh my god. Wow. You don't have to be so blunt.

Wow. Look, Lewis. What? When a capybara and an avocado love each other very much. Yeah. Go on. Something magical happens. Something magical happens Something magical happens And we're back

Nine months later Out of the avocado Pops a little baby Capicardo Capicardo It's called a what? Capicardo It works

A capicardo That's beautiful A capicardo Yeah It goes Wow It works. A capicado. That's beautiful. A capicado. Yeah. It goes. Wow. Oh.

Wow. I hurt my own ears doing that. Now, okay. Here's another thing. Okay. You know, you've been eating fruit salads, haven't you? You quite like a fruit salad. I've seen you buying them.

I like a fruit salad. Now, if you could blend together, you know, splice together all the fruits in that fruit salad to make the you know the ultimate fruit um we know what what would that be comprised of and would you think do you think that would be a good idea or do you like having sort of the five different fruits in there than eating sort of mouthfuls of the different combinations. Do you have a sort of a preferred? Well, I don't eat mouthfuls of all the different fruit. I don't eat it all at once. Well, I thought the idea of a fruit salad was you ate like multiple bits of different fruit at the same time. You didn't have like one blueberry at a time.

You don't like shove like a bit of apple, a bit of, you know, banana, a bit of strawberry, a couple of blueberries. That's what I do. A bit of melon, all in your gob at once. Yeah, you do. Are you kidding me? Of course you do. What's wrong with you? He's got...

But you're not one of these people. Oh, this is very healthy for you. It's nice because you get all the different flavours in it. Are you one of these people like hannah who um like has like you know like meat potatoes and beans on their plate and they'll eat all the beans first and then they'll eat all the potatoes and then they'll eat the meat last are you you're not you're not like that are you i'm not like that but what i do you say you wouldn't like combine them a bit you wouldn't have a little bit of beans with a little bit of a little bit of steak or a little bit of you know a little bit i do do that but but with a fruit salad i think it's nice to just eat you know a piece of apple

and then eat a bit of pineapple you don't shove a pineapple and a mango in your mouth and go and that's a bit weird no no no no it's not that's what I do I mean in any case do you prefer that what do you think listeners should we have a vote on this on the forums on whether we create a fruit

which is like all the ultimate fruits combined how do you eat fruit salad is Lewis crazy am I the one that's totally misguided which is the order to which you would eat the fruit salads as well so where do you start with the fruit salad do you start you know with with the kiwi or with the watermelon or with the pineapple i'm interested to hear this. I don't know, actually. I think I'd probably go for some blueberries and maybe a bit of kiwi first. Right.

Because they're sort of not so strong flavours. And then you leave some of the stronger flavours for the end. Right. Like pineapple, which is a very acidic, strong flavour. I think it's quite good to leave that to the end. So you start off with softer things and then you go to more extreme tastes. I think that's generally a good way to do things when you're eating. Do you think people should try and blend stuff together

to make fruits that are like orange and cranberry? Because you get that quite commonly, these common fruits that are blended together. As a juice. Yeah, like orange and cranberry, you know, because you get that quite commonly, you know, these common fruits that are blended together. As a juice. Yeah, like as a juice. So do you think they should actually try and make those? Raspberry and cranberry would be incredible, wouldn't it? It would be a very tart fruit, though, wouldn't it?

It would be a very tart fruit. Very tart. A fresh tart fruit. Careful, your false teeth are about to fall out, I think. What about strawberry and banana? What would that look like? A bestraw banana.

They're two very different fruits. I'm not sure how it would work. It'd just be like a slightly fatter red banana. Would it have a peel on it, though? Would the seeds be on the outside or in the middle? Well, you can always customise. You can customise.

Genetics is all about choosing the elements you want. So, I mean, you could just have the banana looking like it is, but it tastes like a strawberry banana. Can I have it in the shape of a baby? Wow, like a jelly baby. The stranana. The stranana would be its name. The stranana in the shape of a jelly baby. The Stranana. The Stranana would be its name. The Stranana in the shape of a baby infant child.

Well, like a jelly baby. Or are you talking about in the shape... Like an actual baby. The size of a baby and the shape of a baby. And when he eats it, it cries. Oh, my God. Okay. So, what you're suggesting

is... It cries apple juice. I don't want to know what it pees and poos. Oh my god. Pineapple juice. Oh, of course. And chocolate milkshake. You've got to put a little diaper on it, and then you squeeze the diaper

and pineapple juice comes out. Wow. Oh, God. What is... That is genetically gone wrong. It started off the tastiest fruit and now it's like the grossest fruit. Why did I say the shape of a baby?

What was I thinking? That is really weird. I mean, that's... Oh, dear. Oh, amazing. That was a terrible, terrible suggestion. Oh, well, I was very hungry, and now no longer. You know the fancy of stranana?

Stranana? Oh, no. Why are you eating me? That is horrible that is so horrible you're so tasty oh my god oh jesus stop That is messed up Wow Stop This has been the Yoggpod

I don't really want to leave people With that sort of bad taste in their mouth It's not bad taste Because Trenanas are so tasty You've been listening to The Yog Pod Episode 42 Which was produced by The Yog's cast And starred Simon Lane and Lewis Brinley It was edited and mixed by me, Sparkles

Who also wrote the cheesy background music You can hear right now I've got to go, because I'm not supposed to talk to strangers. Bye! Outro Music