Triforce! - YoGPoD 45: Halloween Spack-3-cular

Episode Date: October 30, 2013

Join Simon and I for this special Halloween broadcast live from Sips and Sjin's haunted studios at Sipsco HQ. Amazing stuff. Absolutely 100% true authentic stories that actually happened. This podcast is based on real events that really happened to real people. Listener discretion is advised. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hello and welcome to the Yonkscast Halloween Spectacular. This is a very special thing that we do occasionally on Halloween. Occasionally. We do it every Halloween. Well, we in the past haven't done it at Halloween. We've done it in, like, I don't know, May or just whatever, Easter. It's kind of something to give back to people.

So even though we're both horribly ill, maybe appropriate for Halloween. Being sick everywhere. It's here. So we're going to just talk about stuff. So you've been ill. Go on, would you like to start about how ill you've been? Tell me the horror story of you being ill. Oh, God, it's disgusting.

There's, like, pus coming out of everywhere. Oh, God. All the orifices's, like, pus coming out of everywhere. Oh, God. All the orifices. I didn't know it was that bad. It's been like the exorcist. I've been, like, projectile vomiting. My head has been rotating like an owl. That's right.

It's been, oh, it's been beautiful. Like an owl. That's a very good simile. Thank you. That's a very good simile. Thank you. That's fine. So, of course, I've been ill with a wisdom tooth removed from my face. So, therefore, my face is swollen up on one side like Cosimo Do from the hunchback of Notre Dame.

And so I'm horribly disfigured to view in the flesh, which is why we're not doing face cam. Because Simon's all pale and pallid with vomit and pus coming out of him. Yeah. And I have a swollen face like Quasimodo. Maybe we should just be on face cam. It is Halloween.

People won't believe that that's what we're really like. Yeah. They'll think it's a costume. They'll think we're wearing prosthetics and makeup. I mean, we're pretty horrific on a daily basis anyway. Let alone once we're sick and disgusting. How rude. So, Simon, you're a big horror expert.

We always go to horror stories of urban myths, terrible, horrible things that happen. What have you got for us today? Well, there's a selection of things that I've found, these urban legends. Right. And some of them are complete bullshit, just made-up nonsense. Yeah.

And some of them, it turns out, are actually true and that there are real reported stories that they are based on. With evidence. Actual cases. That actually happened. That the police have investigated and that are real. So we're talking about these sort of clichéd stories like we heard before with the woman who cooked herself in the tanning salon

and the wedding day person who locked themselves in a chest. Oh, God, yeah, the hide-and-sink sink. Hide in the sink. She hid in the sink. God. She put the daz in the sink. It was some stuff happened. I can't remember.

So what, do I have to guess which ones are real and which ones aren't? Yeah, yeah. That's exactly the format that I just came up with because you said it right now. Let's do that. And then also I can tell you the horror story of my birthday, which was a few days ago. The horror of your birthday. Yeah, and we'll see how that holds up to these other horror stories.

But, you know, do I have to guess whether it's true or false as well? Well, it's definitely true. It's like, remember last year you heard about the mouldy shower curtain story, how terrible that was? Oh, my God, I still have nightmares. I just wake up in a cold sweat. That was 100% true, and so is this one. But, yeah, I'll hold that until uh i feel i feel ready

to tell because it's personal affecting oh terrible story okay yeah so right the first urban legend that you have to guess whether it is uh true or just total, scary nonsense. I'm excited. Right? Yeah. The story about a couple who have hired a babysitter, which is a familiar sort of set-up for these kind of stories. It is common. So, you know, they're going out of town, they've got a dinner party or something with friends, and they've hired a new babysitter to look after their little babby. So an hour.

Do they have names, these parents? Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Mr and Mrs? Mr and Mrs Hedgeworth is their name. It doesn't matter what their name is at all because it's probably not real. But it might be real. Or is it real? Okay, I guess I'll guess.

Or is it made up? Or is it real? We just don't know yet. Do you know? Okay, so an hour after they've driven off to go off to their lovely dinner party, they've forgotten to give the babysitter their their cell phone number of course so they've got no idea you know something could be wrong the baby could be like deathly ill or something and the babysitter could be panicking so they're worried so what they do is

they phone uh the house number you know their home right and um they they they talked to her on their phone and the babysitter says uh is it okay if i can watch tv in your bedroom i've just put the children to bed apparently there's more than one child right i put the children to bed and i wanted to watch a particular television show okay okay so the living room tv apparently it doesn't have satellite telly or cable it's only in the bedroom you know for you know for mum and dad uh television programs i guess yeah uh and they say oh of course it's fine you know you can watch tv um and then and then the babysitter says there is there is one more thing i was just wondering uh is it okay if I could put a sheet or a blanket over the statue of a clown that you've got in your bedroom?

Because it kind of makes me nervous. Right. And the dad is on the phone and he says, take the children right now from their bedroom and go round to the neighbour's house. We'll call the police. We don't have a clown statue. Dun, dun, dun.

And the police come round and it turns out that the clown was a serial killer who had broken out of a mental hospital and he was hiding in the bedroom. And the babysitter thought it was a statue but it was a man so and it was the real man it wasn't a statue they didn't own a statue of a clown who the hell owns a statue of a clown that's crazy okay so mr and mrs hedgeworth yeah the babe obviously when you do an employer babysitter, they're not always the brightest sparks, are they? You know, it's kind of the dopey.

They certainly aren't. Dopey girl from around the corner. The dopey girl from around the corner. Yeah, or someone like that, you know. So it's not going to be the sharpest tool in the box often. And, you know, they're not paid very much. They're going to be paid minimally. It might be your cousin or someone like that, you know, you've brought on board.

So, I mean, but surely, like... Surely even the simplest idiot will be able to figure out the difference between a statue and a person dressed as a clown. I mean, when you're out in the high street and you see those people dressed as statues and they're, like, deadly know what about lewis in north hampton in the uk there has been someone dressing up as a clown and just sort of creeping up on people and being really weird what do you mean in north hampton in the uk this has actually been

happening what do you mean it's actually been happening people have been taking photos and it's become a viral phenomenon on the internet. Like photo bombing. It's like a scary clown. You'll see like a picture of a rainy street and on it, there'll just be a guy stood there dressed as a clown. Like Where's Wally? Yeah. Why would people just be taking a photo of an empty street?

Because there's a fucking just clown in the street. Oh my God. I've got to take a picture of this. No, but I think it would be creepier if there was this clown and he kept cropping up in people's photos and they didn't know it is that he was there when they took the photo well they did notice and that's why they took the photo it's not quite the same if they actually are taking the picture of the clown you want that is true i mean what if you know i just took a selfie right now on my phone to like tweet it oh my god and as i like selected the photo in the tweet i saw there was a fucking oh sorry just had to look behind me you scared yourself then there's i can see

mandrew and a picture of alex parvis behind me rest in peace the ghost what if that fucking photo had been replaced and instead there was a clown in there? A photo of a clown. Oh, my God. Why do we always record these things when it gets dark? We shouldn't do this. Because it's creepier. It is creepy.

You can't do these things during the day. If you're listening to this or watching it on YouTube or whatever right now, it better be dark where you are right now and you better be alone because otherwise it's pointless, isn't it? God, and also if you're sitting on the bus, behind you on the seat on the bus, it's a creepy clown. Or if you're driving in your car right now,

on the passenger seat, it's a creepy clown. Oh, my God. Could you imagine? If you're listening to this in bed, maybe underneath your bed right now there is a clown. A creepy clown. Oh, God, wasn't there a terrifying old classic horror sort of story about that? Maybe we'll be getting to something like that soon, Lewis. Maybe.

But first of all, you've got to guess whether this is a true story. The clown statue, urban legend. Didn't you just tell me that was true, though? Because in Northampton there was a creepy clown running around. Well, that's a different thing. I guess that's not the same as having a clown statue in the bedroom. Yeah. You're asking me if this was actually a documented police or news report.

Yeah. Is this real? Is there an actual news report? I don't think there was ever an actual news report about a real live clown being mistaken for a statue. And it would be such a strange thing to report to parents oh is it okay if i put a sheet over it it's like such a strange why wouldn't you just do that anyway but what if she did and she like you know she touched the clown and then he just stabs her with a big fucking knife oh my god that is terrifying. Wow. God, I'm scared.

But, okay, so I don't think it was real. Is it real or not real? It doesn't look like it's real, but... It doesn't look like it's real. However, this is, you know, a clown statue injuring someone. It did happen in 1992 in Indiana. A Ronald McDonald clown statue fell over onto a six-year-old girl. I don't know why I'm laughing.

Severing part of her fingertip. Oh, dear. The part of her finger was reattached, but she's got a really disgusting looking fingernail. I'm not even joking. Oh, my face. Oh, I'm not allowed to laugh like that we shouldn't we shouldn't laugh at this poor young girl being disfigured for life that is terrifying because that is what it is even if it is just a fingernail god i mean it must haunt her dreams though you see

this horrible sort of horribly painted cheap heavy plastic ronald mcdonald's statue just coming down you know. I guess maybe she was shaking it like it was a camera machine. She wanted to give it a hug, maybe. Well, she was in no way responsible for this because she actually won damages from them. So apparently McDonald's were at fault and they paid out. Well, there you go.

That is a story. That's a horror story and a half. So, yeah. So good job to you for not falling for that and thinking that that was a real thing. Thanks, man. That was safe. So you did sort of mention under beds.

Yeah. Now, this is another very popular urban legend about bodies underneath beds oh god okay right so the story goes that someone is staying over a motel or a hotel they're on the road they're staying at a conference um okay and they're staying in this hotel and it's a little bit of a grotty hotel what sort of year is this what what sort of setting and what kind of conference and do we know the name of the person if you've got any more i want more little details to make this feel um feel real okay because if you add all these little details, then sometimes the story feels really real, you know? Okay.

Geoffrey Hugsmerry. Right. Geoffrey Hugsmerry. Okay. He is a used shoe salesman. A used shoe salesman? And he went to Las Vegas, Sin City, for Minecon. Whoa.

We were there. That's right. We were there. We were there. What a time. What a coincidence. What a time that was. And he was actually staying in the same hotel.

Oh, a very nice hotel then in that case. It was really nice. Mandalay Bay. Oh, yeah. He was staying in that hotel and he had a long day at the annual used shoe salesman conference. That's right, it was going on in the next hall. It's happening, yeah, in the same place at the same time because often there are many conferences

just simultaneously happening everywhere. That's right, everywhere. Because, you know, hotels make a bunch of money doing this. They do. Renting out these places. That is true. So he had a really long day, you know. On his feet all day.

Pressing flesh, you know, networking, making friends. He had a few drinks. Pressing flesh? Pressing flesh. Well, that sounds terrifying. What's that mean? There's nothing to be scared of, Lewis. It's a perfectly natural thing that, you know, men do with each other.

They press their flesh together. Oh, I don't think I've ever done that. And he had a few drinks. He had a really long, tiring day. So he retired to bed. And he'd ordered some room service. He had a bit of a sandwich. He ate half of the sandwich before he fell asleep.

OK. So he fell asleep. He had a good night's sleep, but he wakes up in the morning and there's this really strange smell in the room. Right, yeah. And he rolls over in bed and he notices there's the club sandwich and it's just everywhere. There's bits of turkey and bacon and mayonnaise.

That's what the smell is. Just everywhere. And he's like, oh, God, that's probably the smell. And then he realises it's like a sort of rotting smell. Oh, right. It's a rotting smell. It's not the smell of just, you know, meat warmed by a human body that's... Pressing flesh overnight.

Yeah, yeah. Pressing turkey. It's not that. No. It's something really bad. It's like a dead animal or something. So he gets off the bed and he looks around the room and he takes in a big sort of sniff. Wow. And then he realises it's coming from under the bed. So he gets on his knees.

He leans over. He lifts up the cover that's there. And he looks underneath the bed. And under the bed, there's a corpse of a man. Okay. Just lying there under the bed. Staring back at him with glassy dead eyes. Wow.

Well, I mean, it does... Is that true or is that bollocks? It does sound like the start of an episode of CSI, doesn't it? You know, or something like that. And a lot of the episodes of CSI are based on fact. And CSI, of course, is set in Las Vegas. That's right. I think that's why I've been, you know, that's why it's pulling me.

I think, do you know what, though? I think, like, the amount of hotel rooms in the world, the amount of dead bodies around, the amount of gears we've had. You can't move for dead bodies. There's tons of them. Yeah, they're all over the shop. But surely, like, somewhere in the world, someone must have just spent the night sleeping on top of a dead body by accident.

Like, you know, somewhere in China, maybe, or, like, you know. Why would you even bring the Chinese into this? Well, no, I mean, it's a big place, you know, and I think, I don't know, someone might have stashed one under there or under the floorboards, certainly, you know. So they've hidden a dead body. Maybe a body's died suspiciously and they just wanted to hide

the body. Yeah. Maybe this is something where the body was actually under the floorboards or in the wall or something. And you never know. In hotel rooms. Maybe it was a dead hooker. She died accidentally. It could have been there for weeks or months. During a sex capade. And the

maid wasn't bothering. It wasn't on duty. That day sexcapade. And the maid, you know, wasn't bothering, wasn't on duty that day, didn't check, you know. Now, that would lead me, you know, towards thinking that this couldn't happen because surely the maid would figure out there was a nasty smell. Surely they would have hoovered under the bed. Other vacuum cleaners are available. Some of these places maybe don't clean up, though.

Surely, like, it must be... I don't know. I think it must have happened somewhere, but I'm not... So you're going with this is true? I'm not convinced it's 100%. I'm not convinced... OK. I'm not convinced it's, like, directly under the bed

with, like, a leg sticking out or anything. You know. In 2003, a man checked into the capri hotel just east of downtown kansas city and began complaining about a foul odor in his room right management told him nothing could be done about the problem and he spent three nights in his room before checking out because he could no longer stand the smell wow when cleaning staff came in to make up the room on the 13th of July, so that's three days after, right? So you stayed there three nights and they were like,

maybe we should check out what this smell is. They lifted the mattress and they found underneath it a man's body in an advanced state of decomposition. That is horrible. Oh, my God. And also on the 10th of June 1999, the decomposing remains of a 64-year-old was discovered inside a bed in room 112

at the Burgundy Motor Inn in Atlantic City, New Jersey. I am never going to sleep in a hotel again. So maybe avoid room 112 at the Burgundy Motor Inn, Atlantic City. This happened twice. A German couple had spent the night sleeping on top of the remains of this man. They complained to the manager and that led to the discovery of the corpse. There's at least a dozen cases of this actually happening What?

Which is just, I mean, wow Holy crap Wow Okay So this, yeah, very much true This happens routinely It happens every week In fact, if you're staying in a hotel

It's more likely that you are sleeping on top of a dead body than you're not. Oh, I didn't know that. So just bear that in mind. They're very soft, though. They're very soft. Decomposing bodies. Most mattresses are, in fact, stuffed with human remains just because they're so soft and comfortable.

I didn't know that. Well, that is... Jesus Christ. Isn't that horrible? That is pretty... I think that tops the story of my miserable birthday Do you want to talk about that? Do you want to talk about your birthday?

Well, I suppose I could do Are you ready for this? Or do you need Well, I mean, obviously routinely as you get older You know, your birthday's become less and less kind of exciting You know, it just happens, doesn't it? You get old, you get tired your birthdays become less and less kind of exciting, you know? It just happens, doesn't it? You know?

You get old, you get tired, you get fucking just fed up with everything. Well, the funny thing is when you're a kid and you get like,

I noticed this specifically with video games because when I was a kid I was so bored all the time. You know, I had so much free time, I never had any

video games to play and birthdays and Christmas were always these great times when I got new stuff, you know? And I think it's still the same so it it's that sort of chart isn't it like when you're when you're when you're young you have no money you know but you have loads of time you have loads of energy um so when it comes to your birthday suddenly you've got presents you've got things to play with and it's amazing yeah and as you sort of reach middle age you know you work all the all the all day to provide for your family and everyone works really hard and but but at the same time

you know you you have you you manage your own money and you pretty much don't have to wait till your birthday to get a video game you know you can just save up for a couple of weeks you can probably afford some video game or you can just sort of drop drop it on the straight away like you know people always just spend money, ridiculous money on Steam sales and things, don't they? And then, so sort of you, so again, the chart skews. So you have the money, you have the energy, but you don't have the time, you know, because you're working.

You know, every time is precious. You run home every evening to play video games, at least, you know, I kind of do. And then, like, when you're an old man, you have so much time and you still have your money, but you don't have any energy. You're just worn out. It's like there's a triangle, isn't there, of the three things that you need to have fun.

That's right. So time, energy, and the resources. Yeah. And there's always one of those missing. That's right. So time, energy and the resources. Yeah. And there's always one of those missing. That's right. And as you age, it becomes different things that you're missing. That's exactly right. So come your birthday, your 30th.

My 30th birthday. The big three zero. You know what they say? Life begins at 30. Do they? That's actually what they say. That is true as well. It's not an urban myth.

So, yes, I wasn't expecting super loads. But unfortunately, it turned out that I had to have my wisdom teeth taken out the day before my birthday. Now, it's not actually too bad, the actual occasion of having your teeth out. Because you just get knocked out. You can't remember anything. You wake up. Your face is all numb. But you're fine. You remember anything. You wake up. Your face is all numb. But you're fine.

You go home. You drink some soup. It's all fine. You have some milkshake. It's great. So it's fun. It's fun. So the day before my birthday was okay.

I don't remember most of it. Okay. But it was okay. Right. But my birthday, let's just say, it started off at about midnight. And obviously... At that period of time, But my birthday, let's just say it started off at about midnight. And obviously...

At that period of time, the painkillers have mostly worn off. And I was kind of kept up all night. Hang on, set the scene. Where were you? You were at home? I was at home. Were you alone? In my bed.

You were alone in bed? Well... Hannah was there. I don't think Hannah really came to bed for a while because she was playing Dota. So I sort of

tossed and turned for I beg your pardon. the majority of the night just in sort of in increasingly you know varied amounts of pain.

Oh God, it's horrible. And it sort of it carried on for the next sort of eight to 12 hours. And, oh, God, I was just feeling miserable. This is just horrible.

It's not even really entertaining. It was horrible, Simon, and I haven't even got to the rest of it yet. Oh, God, it gets worse. Now I'm interested. Obviously, like, I did have a few winks of sleep, but as I woke up, my face was really quite swollen and I was worried that I was going to have it infected, you see. Oh, that's always the worry, isn't it?

And I was feeling really, really sick. You know when you feel really sick, you just feel utterly miserable with everything. You don't want to do anything. You don't want to watch telly, you don't want to play video games, you just don't want to do anything. You just feel to watch telly you don't want to play video games you just don't want to do anything you just feel like you feel awful so i was feeling i was feeling awful and and i saw so i rang up the dentist and i was like oh the last thing you want to do is go to the dentist on your birthday and like oh i'm gonna have to go in i'm gonna have

to see if they'll they'll treat my affected tooth so they they wouldn't pick up my calls they wouldn't they couldn't do anything so i rang up different places and i rang around and they said the dentist closed he got hit by a car 10 years ago and it turns out that your surgery was done by a ghost dentist that's right and i'd been sleeping on his corpse oh my god the whole night that's why i'd been tossing and turning oh because you it was lumpy the The mattress was lumpy. And even the clown statue, I remember I'd put the sheet over it.

Hoping for a good night's sleep. But when I woke up in the morning, it was gone. There was just a bloodied knife and a dead Hannah. Missing Hannah. Oh, no. Yeah, and she was under your bed or somewhere else. Oh, my God. Oh, I'm going to check under my bed this evening just so that there isn't a Hannah under there. I still haven't seen her, actually. She could be anywhere. Oh, my God. Oh, I'm going to check under my bed this evening

just so that there isn't a Hannah under there. I still haven't seen her, actually. She could be anywhere. Oh, my God. In a hotel room in Las Vegas. God knows. Oh, no. So I eventually got through to someone who said,

you just need to go to the hostel where you had it done and they'll have to see you because they're the people who did it. So I was like, all right. So I went there and I got there about 1. And they said, oh, well, you know. Is this PM or AM? 1 PM. All right, OK.

And I obviously had some painkillers before I went. But it was raining. It was raining. Oh, it was fucking. It was drizzly grey afternoon. No, actually, it wasn't raining when I went there. But I had. It was a sunny, lovely day.

It was OK. And we were skipping along. La, la, la, la, la. It was okay. And we were skipping along. La, la, la, la, la. It was okay, but my face was all swollen out like a balloon, and I looked awful. Did you look a bit like the Joker or something? No, I just kind of looked like a Quasimodo-style swollen orange sticking out of my cheek face, disgusting monster.

Were mothers sort of grabbing the hands of their children and moving them away from you? That's right. Yeah, pretty much. Except, I don't often get recognised Mummy, what's wrong with that man? Shh! I don't often get recognised out in the street. Oh, really? But it just so happened that a couple of really cute girls

recognised me. Oh no! Oh Lewis! Are you Lewis from the Oxcast? And I had to go, don't look at me! Horribly shying away from them, fleeing off down the street. It was terrible, Simon. Especially since I was feeling very lonely since Hannah

had gone somewhere. I don't know where she'd gone. She got murdered by a clown. So eventually I got there to the hospital and I had to wait there for four hours, Simon. Oh my God. Wow. I mean, that is a horror story.

I periodically spoke to the woman at the desk saying, you know, how's it going? Is there any way to get in? And it was so busy and they were just, and I knew that it would really only be like 10 seconds that they needed to see me. They'd look at me and they'd be like, right, you've got an infected face. Here's some antibodies that's because that's literally what happened the previous fucking time this happened oh god right but the worst the worst thing about this horror story simon is that my phone ran out of battery after like half an hour oh my god so i mean you couldn't play like i couldn't play puzzle and dragons clash of clans any shitty fucking game pixel people i couldn't listen to my

music i couldn't fish out of water browse the internet i couldn't talk to anyone i couldn't talk to hannah and say help me let me out of this hellhole i couldn't do anything oh my god right so i had to you couldn't even look at twitter i had to read like fucking country life magazine you were literally there in a waiting room reading magazines. It was like, but I couldn't because I was feeling so miserable and so sorry for myself. I couldn't even bring myself to read

the shit. It was awful. What were you doing? Were you just staring at like the woman at the desk? Oh God. I don't know. I just scowled at her for hours and hours and hours. And so then I was like, I finally got into this waiting room and they took me through. And obviously this is a teaching hospital,

so there was a couple of students in there and they looked at me and they sort of didn't know what they were doing and they poked me in the mouth for ages. And they went and got their supervisor. The supervisor came along and poked me because they weren't sure whether it was an infection or not. Wow. And so they came back in and they went and got their supervisor and the supervisor came along and poked me because they weren't sure whether it was an infection or not. Wow. And so they came back in and they poked it

and they were like, there's no pus coming out. And like, oh, let me poke it a bit more and see if any pus comes out. And it was like, it was awful. It went on for ages. So this was your birthday. Yeah. And they were poking your infected mouth.

My sewed up cheek. Where you had surgery. Which was all swollen out horribly. To see if pus would come out. Yeah. What a lovely, lovely time. It was horrible. So, yeah, I bet the sort of the lady,

well, the lady nurse students there, she was like waffling away to her other companions. She was talking about how she wanted to have her teeth out as well. And so she was sort of sharing horror stories and she said oh I get to pick though. I get to pick because I work here. I get to pick which doctor I want to have my teeth out. I was just listening

to this gossip. I don't know why I remember this fact but she basically said I don't want you know Dr. Wilson to do it because I have like a crush on him. And if I get sedated, I might like tell him all of my sexual fantasies about him. Wow. I was like, what the fuck? What a weird fucking fear to have.

Like, does that happen? Does that happen to me? Yes, the previous day when I got knocked out. Did I just like tell the doctor my sexual fantasies about them? It was so fucking weird. So I was really paranoid that I'd done loads of weird stuff while I was sedated. Because they were saying all the things that people

do when they're out. I really like it when girls dress up as clowns. God, so... Eventually I left and then it fucking rained on the way home. Ah. And because I'd been in the hospital for, like, four hours, I hadn't had any painkillers in ages,

so my face was just, like, really painful. Anyway, I got the prescription for the antibiotics and shit, and I went home, and I got home, and I think Hannah had just sort of come back, and she'd come back with my birthday presents. Oh. And it was toffee now with nuts in i mean when you get older you don't expect like your birthday presents to be like the best thing ever anymore okay you're not like you don't have that childhood excitement of going rushing to the stocking or whatever at christmas yeah you just accept it's like your dad oh a pair of socks.

Great. Thanks. It's like buying birthday presents for your dad. You understand that your dad's not going to be super excited about it. He just gets them. And for your grandpa, your granddad, he's just lucky to be alive for another year. You know, hooray.

Oh, my God. Christ, maybe it's not that miserable. Anyway, so Hannah got me these presents and and what was it what did she get you well you you got me a jar of mango chutney i got you a jar of mango chutney that is correct which was probably my best present wow oh my god shin got me world of warcraft trivial pursuit that's pretty cool come on which kind of straddles the line between old man game trivial pursuit and yeah something really nerdy that i'm not super really interested in playing anymore so it was kind of like a balance between the older you still play where we both play we play wow

again where we we pop in and out but oh god it was it a bit... When it comes to the lore and the stories behind it, and knowing all the facts, oh god. I can't say, Simon, that World of Warcraft Trivial Pursuit was the most exciting present that I'd received. Oh, don't listen to the... Shin, if you're listening to this, he doesn't mean it. Then I got a stack of cards,

which is fine, from everyone, from Minna, and from Hannahannah's extended family they will send me a card which is very very nice was there any was there any money in the cards fiverr no nothing oh i'm bloody believable well i think there was a there was i think there was like a a 20 pound check from hannah's now oh that's nice a check great what are you gonna do with that a check god oh look it's all very good it all goes you know could have been a book token look son

don't don't don't don't look it's all very good stuff it's all school stuff buy a pair of slippers or something

I don't know or a pipe or whatever and so I'm like lying in bed and I'm like that's it I'm like wow what a load of shit you know

fucking trivia wow trivia and Haz is like well don't worry so it's five minutes to midnight now you've only got trivia, wow, trivia, and Hannah's like, well, don't worry. So it's five minutes to midnight now. You've only got five minutes left of your birthday. And she's like, don't worry, Lewis. Nilesy's got you something, you know.

So this is it. This is the last glimmer of hope of your birthday being salvaged and being good. So Hannah drags in this cardboard box out of the hallway. It's quite a big box. It's like, I'm like, oh, what's this? So you're there. You're sitting on the bed.

You're in your jammies. I'm like, of all people. Looking miserable. Of all people, Nilesy's come through with an actual present for me. Right? That's it. The only person, the only fucker who gives a shit brought me a present. Right?

I'm like, oh, Nilesy. Normally, like Nilesy. Right. Go fuck yourself. But tonight, Nilesy was the king. Oh, my present. Right? I'm like, oh, Nilesy. Normally, like, Nilesy, go fuck yourself. But tonight, Nilesy was the king. Oh, my God. OK? So Hannah got it out of the thing. I'm, like, lying there in bed, like, holding the side of my face,

just being a real miserable bastard, you know. And I was like, don't worry, Nilesy's bought you this hamper. So it's like a wicker basket hamper. Hamper? And she opened it up don't worry, Lousy's brought you this hamper. So it's like a wicker basket hamper. A hamper? And she opened it up. Mic pop, careful. And this whole, of course, the whole room is immediately permeated by a very strong smell of cheese.

Cheese? Cheese. And very strong, stinky kind of green cheese. You might have noticed that same smell in the office today if you came around. Oh, my God, yeah. I think it's the drain. The drain's blocked. It was awful. Now,

Hannah said, oh look, Narzi's bought you a hamper of cheese. Okay? I didn't think you really liked cheese. I don't. I really don't like cheese. Hannah likes cheese. She loves cheese. But I'm not really a big fan of cheese. You're not a cheese man.

So Hannah starts handing me these cheeses and putting them on the bed. And she's like, have a look at this cheese. And it was like something out of a nightmare. Because I very quickly realised that all of these cheeses were slightly damp. And one of them, because they'd been out of the fridge all day, one of them had leaked. And it had all gone into the fucking carpet in my bedroom

and on the bed. And so I had to sleep in, like, this disgusting stinky cheese room all night, which I couldn't do. Oh, my God. Because the whole house

then stank of cheese. We couldn't clean all the stinky cheese off the fucking carpet. Meanwhile, Hannah's just eating all this cheese. Hannah's like stuffing her face.

She's like, oh. So, Nilesy had the most troll present he could possibly think of. Oh, my God. That is magnificent. And it was awful. I mean, I hadn't eaten anything anyway. So, I was, you know, but when you take a load of painkillers and you haven't eaten anything, it's just like you feel really sick.

So I sort of felt really sick and the whole place stank of cheese and the sheets had all cheese in them. It was just hell. It was the worst birthday I've ever had. So Niles is out of the Yogs cast now. I mean. So is Hannah. It couldn't have been worse, Simon. Podcasts. Nah. I mean. Susanna.

It couldn't have been worse, Simon. It really couldn't have been worse. Oh, no. Oh, Lewis. So, not your finest birthday. Here's to another 30 years. I can only go up from there, though, to be quite honest. That's true. And then again, I'm sure a lot of people have had many worse birthdays than that. 30 years I can only go up from there though to be quite honest I mean and then again

I'm sure a lot of people have had many worse birthdays than that God if the worst I had to put up with was a bit of cheese and a bit of toothache then I'm sure

I should be very happy a very happy man um God so there you go that is that is my anecdote of the year

Lewis's horror story about his terrible birthday. Terrible 30th birthday. Yeah. There you go. And that was true. All of that actually happened.

That was a true story, Simon. That's a true real-life story. It's a true story, except the clown and the dead bodies and stuff. Yeah, yeah. We made up the bit about Hannah being murdered. So there you go. Halloween. Spectacular.. Yeah, yeah. We made up the bit about Hannah being murdered. So there you go. Halloween spectacular. Happy Halloween, everyone.

Happy Halloween! And thank you very much for watching all year. And maybe we'll see you at Christmas with another podcast, because we usually do one then as well. Yeah. Just, you know, don't have nightmares. Make sure to check under your bed. That's right. Check out, you know, if you're nightmares. Make sure to check under your bed. That's right.

Check out, you know, if you're getting into the car and it's late at night, make sure to check, you know, in the back seat because there might be someone just hidden there. Check your mirrors. Mirror signal manoeuvre. That's right. If you take any photos of yourself, make sure there's no clowns in the background. Check inside your closet.

Make sure there's not, you know, a serial kidder your closet. Make sure there's not a serial kidder. A serial kidder. A serial prankster hiding there. He's going to throw water balloons at you as you sleep and make you think that you pissed yourself. Has that happened?

Maybe it has. Maybe it hasn't. There you go thank you so much everyone thank you guys farewell for this year see you later shitlords