Triforce! - YoGPoD 46: Halloween 5pack-cular

Episode Date: October 29, 2015

Simon and I are back with some more totally true, completely factually accurate creepy stories from the internet which are 100% certified true, honestly. We also play a Halloween quiz based on Simon's extensive knowledge of horror movies. Production music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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at Real Canadian Superstore. Hello, and welcome to TTT. Yorkport, Yorkport, Yorkport Yorkport Hello and welcome to the Yorkscast Halloween's spectacular 5, 4, whatever number we're on now I think it's 4, isn't it? Well, four was supposed to be last year, wasn't it? So 2014, you see, like four, but we skipped it.

We missed it. So I reckon we'll just go with the five, and then people will be confused that there is no four. So this is a thing we do every Halloween. Hang on, Lewis, let's do a different intro. Hello and welcome to the Yogscast, the Yogpod episode 394. Oh good idea. Five. 395. That includes all the episodes that we should have done but we didn't. Yeah that's right, we didn't do them. So today you're joined by me, Lewis of course, and Simon the

witch. I heard you had a good impression of a witch Simon. I don't know what you're talking about. Have you turned into a witch? I don't know what you're talking about, Lewis, but... Cueing the witch now. On a completely unrelated note, I've got a friend here. Oh. Her name is Mabel. Okay. She's an old lady.

Oh, goodness. She's getting on. And, uh... She's 37. Where did you meet her? I met her... She was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. Okay. And our eyes met.

I used to... And I asked her for a Bloody Mary. Oh. And she said, what was that? And I said, can I have a Bloody Mary? And she said, pardon? And I said, Bloody Mary. And then her eyes just went red.

And blood came out of her bottom. Ew. And her fingernails grew long and warts sprouted all over her face. And she turned green. And a hat appeared on her head. And a hat appeared and a little black cat popped up. And she jumped on a broomstick. And she never did make me that drink.

I'm still waiting for it to this very day. Is she there with you? Yes, she's here with me. I suggest you don't say those words anymore. Mabel! Mabel! Right. Are you there, Mabel? Are you there, Mabel? Come here.

I'm just coming. I'm just here. I'm just coming. Oh, my goodness. Hello. Mabel, hello. Who am I talking to, dearie? I'm Lewis. You're hearing me from across the airwaves.

Lewis, hello. My name is Mabel and I'm a witch. It's fantastic to have you here. Thank you for being on the Spooky Podcast. Do you have any remembrance of what turned you into a witch in the first place? It was a long time ago. I was a little girl and I fell down the well. Okay.

Oh, God. Was that just, what were you doing at the well? I was getting the well. Okay. Oh, God. Was that just... What were you doing at the well? I was getting the water to wash my clothes. For your family? Yeah.

Okay. I brought the dyes and everything. You brought it and everything? Yeah. Oh, goodness. So, what happened

to your family? Did you follow them? They're all dead. Oh, goodness. How long ago was this? Do any of their relatives survive? Have you got any great-grand-relatives? It was four years, 40 years ago. Right. And I do have a relative left. He was my brother. His name is Graham. Okay.

And he's a frog! Because I cursed him! Okay, good. Mabel, so what kind of spoopy powers do you have? Are they, like, you know, cursing someone into a frog is obviously one. Yes, but I can turn people into frogs, but only if they're my brother. Oh, right. That's how it only if they're my brother. Right. That's how it works.

It's fairly limited. Yeah. So do you have other kind of special powers? I can bake. Oh, goodness. Magic cookies. Magic. Yeah.

I crumble this special substance into them, and they make you see wonderful things and laugh like that oh goodness what kind of what kind of substance is it it makes you happy can you obtain it from uh bath salts is that sort of we can obtain it from bath or bristol um places near the coast are usually a good bet. But places where there's lots of countryside, where people can grow things. Good. So have you ever spooked anyone famous? Have you ever met anyone famous in your life, Maple, that you might have spooked in your travels? Prince Philip! I met Prince Philip! Did you? Oooh!

And he's never been the same. I was a young girl and he was a young man. And I could have been the Queen of England, I tell you. Because that's how it works. Yeah. So, do you... He wanted me to cast a spell for him. Right. What was it?

He wanted his todger to grow. Did he? Because it was only little, like a little baby. Like a little baby sausage? Like a little, no, like a little baby. Little babies, oh right, okay. His todger actually looked like a baby. Did it?

It was the shape of a child. A tiny baby? Yes. A very, a baby the size of a baby's todger. And sometimes it would weep. Oh, goodness. Was that because of your spells? Okay.

So how do you get around, Mabel? I mean, what's your mode of transport? I take the bus mainly. All right. Because I'm old enough to have a pass. I get free travel and I can go to Asda. Oh. And I do that on a Wednesday usually.

Get it all done. Get it all done for the week and then I get to bus back. I go northern there, I get to bus back. So obviously you've got some northern blood in you. So I mean on a Tuesday do you find that, you know, you're starting to run out of key things? Or do you have to eat leftovers? How do you feel about that?

Well, sometimes I have to use toilet paper a second time. Oh. I keep it in a bin next to the toilet. Yeah, I heard a lot of people. And my toilet isn't actually indoors either. No. It's a hole in the ground outside back of me witch's hut. Right.

Because that's where I live. Of course. That's where I get the bus from. That was going to be my next question. Just down the road in the enchanted forest. Right. Luckily, it's got a bus stop. Mm-hmm.

And it's only three stops to Asda. Good. Well, that's fantastic. I'm glad you're so mobile for your old age. Do you still are able to just, you know, do you do a lot of exercise? Do you have any other hobbies? Do you meet any other local witches or, you know, are you part of a coven maybe or do you know? I am part of a coven. That is true, there's three of us in it. They used to be 13, but they all got killed

by witch hunters! Oh, yeah. So there's only three of us left. There's Margaret. Somehow the witch hunters managed to hunt us down, and they killed all my friends. And all that's left now is Margaret,

who lives at 17, Witch's Hut, Barnsbury, Wiltshire, right? Have you got a postcode? It's the one with the red door. Okay, right, cool. Right? Yeah. And also there's Mavis.

Okay. All of our names, witches, begins with M. That's how it works. What was your name again? Because an M is a witch W upside down and back to front. And then there's Mavis. Right. She lives at

237 Marlborough Square. Right. Margit whichever count it. Kent. Kent, thank you. You're welcome. I know it well. Ken, CN47 to be or not to be. Okay.

And somehow the witch hunters have hunted down all my friends. I have no idea how they've done that. I don't know how they found us. I don't know how. I've just got a text message. Apparently Mavis is dead now. Oh, goodness. There's only two of us left. Oh, it's very sad. Me and the

Margaret, that's her name. Yeah. Going back a long way. Just me and Margaret left now. Tell me how you met. I'm crying. Oh. It's very similar to the laughter. Yeah, it is, isn't it it it can be very confusing and very awkward in funereal situations so do you have any other sort of friends that you you hang out with

no any other sort of um oh i do have spooky spirits i do have my cat oh yeah uh he's called uh mr mr blackie oh because he's a black cat. Of course he is, yeah. He's a lovely boy. He's a lovely boy. Sometimes he goes out hunting and he brings me back a pheasant or two. Oh. Or maybe a rabbit. Oh, goodness.

He's a very good lad. He does look after me. And then I can make a nice stew. How did the local sort of a community view you? I just need to have a drink. Okay. I got a magic potion. You brewed it up.

Yeah, I brewed it up special. My voice does go a bit doing the laugh. Have you got any other questions? Yeah, so what kind of cologne or perfume do you wear? Usually I go out smelling a cat piss. Right. Do you have a... Because I'm Mr. Blackie.

What's the most sort of... He's not racist. He's black. That's why I call him that. I got it. It's cool. You don't need to worry about that. What kind of... I used to date a black man, so I'm not racist. He's black. That's why I call him that. I got it. It's cool. You don't need to worry about that. I used to date a black man, so I'm not racist.

Okay. Well, that's good to know. What was he like? Oh, he was a beautiful man. Goodness me. Oh, he had a big, strong arm. Did he? Just the one?

Yeah, just one. Okay. He lost the other one in a war. Oh, no. Yeah. Have you... He war. Oh, no. Yeah. Have you... He's quite sad, really. I've enjoyed this immensely.

Maybe we will see you again, but thank you for taking the time to be on this podcast. All right. I must be going. I must be flying off. Yeah. On my bus. Have a safe trip.

It's due in three minutes. I better get a fucking move on, isn't it? All right. Yeah, bye, Lewis. Bye. Margaret, Martha. Martha. She's gone.

Oh, oh, she gone? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I must have just missed her. Oh. Oh, no. It was lovely. I didn't really want to miss. Oh, she gone? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I must have just missed her. Oh. Oh, no. It was lovely. I didn't really want to miss.

I really wanted to meet that lovely Miss Witch Lady. She was a joy. I did just see her. She was a ray of sunshine, honestly. She whizzed past me in the corridor. She was in a hurry for some reason. I was slightly worried she'd try and get me to say Bloody Mary over and over again, but she didn't, fortunately. Because you mustn't do that. You can't say Bloody

Mary. You can't say Beetlejuice. You can't say Candyman. No. Oh my goodness. There's a whole bunch of things you can't say. You can't say Voldemort. You can't say... No, but you can't say that just once though, can you?

Oh. Because it's bad. So you've already blown it. He's coming for you now. So you are a massive horror film fan. Yes, this is true. And you've got... I've watched a lot of horror movies, and a lot of them are just utter crap.

That's right. But a lot of the crap ones I do enjoy. And here's the thing. You've put together a list of the best and worst horror films you could possibly think of, right? Yes. And I have to try and guess which one you like and which one you hate. Is that right? Yeah.

I mean, it's a bit tricky because I had to sort of try and pick bad movies that I didn't really actually like. Okay. Even though they were bad. Right. Because horror is an odd sort of genre in which really bad movies are really funny and entertaining and just weird. Right. So I had to try and pick ones that are just awful. So you had to pick deliberately bad movies that were actually bad.

Yes. And not some of the deliberately bad movies that are hilarious. That's, yes. Okay. That's spot on. That's very well explained. Well, I've probably not seen or even heard of these, so this might go weirdly, but we'll see.

But, I mean, all you've got to do is you've just got to pick the one that's good. I've got 50-50 chance. I've got to pick the one you like. Okay. Also, I'm not going to say the names of them until the end either. Oh, right. Just in case you... I've heard of them.

Yeah. And you're like, well, that sounds bad. That sounds like shit. And that actually sounds amazing. Okay. So if I was to say, you know, Booby Girls in Outer Space 4, Attack of the Demon Flanges.

Okay. You might just automatically think that sounds like the best movie ever made. Okay, I would. So I've got to be careful. How are we going to do this? Round one, we've got movie A and movie B. Okay.

Okay? Yeah, and people can play along at home. So movie A is about Satan. Okay. Now, Satan is not a man in a suit with horns. He's not a big, red, scary monster. He's a sort of jelly, a green sort of jelly in a tube in, like, a church basement. Right.

So it's a film in it where Satan is a a jelly in a tube so that's that's movie a that's movie a um movie b is um oh god okay i mean that that is blown by mind so movie movie b is it's set during the second world war right. And Russian soldiers go into Germany and they discover lots of dead Nazis and dead nuns and then they find a special kind of zombie that is part zombie, part robot. Oh, my God. And it's like a found footage movie and they have to try and because

they're filming it as like a reconnaissance mission okay right so we've got satan who is actually a tube of green slime that's right bubbling like green slime in a church basement in the church basement so is it like in like a crypt in there? Yeah, yeah, it's like a crypt. Has it got like an altar and stuff around it or anything? There is kind of one. It's like he's sort of kept prisoner in that. Right.

But it's been leaking a bit lately. What do you mean? The tube has been leaking. It's been bubbling over. Yeah, so what they've done is they've got like loads of scientists from a local night school to come over with computers to sort of find out what it is. OK, holy shit.

But as they do this, loads of homeless people appear and surround the church, including Alice Cooper, who kills someone with a bicycle. Alice Cooper is in the film? Yeah, and he kills someone with a bicycle. Alice Cooper is in the film? Yeah. And he kills someone with a bicycle. Holy crap. And the other film...

And the other film, that's film A. The Russians... Film B. The Russians have sent a team. The Russians have sent a reconnaissance team. Are they actually Russians? They are Russians. Right.

Is it all in Russian? No, they're speaking English. With a Russian accent. Which are Russians. Right. Is it all in Russian? No, they're speaking English. With a Russian accent. Which is convenient. Right. Yeah. Actually, not a lot of them have Russian accents. Okay.

There's one guy and he's a real, real asshole. Okay. And a woman, they find a woman still alive and he immediately attempts to rape her. Oh my goodness. So he's the baddie. attempts to rape her. Oh my goodness. So he's the baddie,

but he's supposed to be like one of the good guys against the Nazi zombie robots. Good God. Which are known as Zombots. Okay. Nazi Zombots. So, I mean, they've blended as if it weren't bad enough

being zombies. They were also Nazis and they were also robots. Good God. Well, I think the second film sounds like absolute shit. So I'm going to assume that you loved the first film.

Wait, wait, wait. I haven't finished. Oh God, is there more? Right. I know which one I want to decide. Okay. I want to watch that slime film right now. So the ending.

Oh yeah. The ending of film A is... Spoilers, just in case anyone wants to watch Satan turns out to be a green slime. I'm going to try and... The movie. Yeah, okay. So basically, everyone was having a dream. The whole thing isn't a dream,

but they were all having the same dream. And in the dream, it said, this is not a dream, but they thought it was a dream and it was trying to tell people that the end of the world was coming and someone goes through a mirror what okay film b ends it turns out that the nazi zombots were made by none other than victor frankenstein good grief i thought you were gonna say alice cooper no god can you imagine if Zombots were made by none other than Victor Frankenstein. Good grief. I thought you were going to say Alice Cooper.

No. God, can you imagine if he was in both of those movies? No. I could see him making zombie Nazi zombots. Yeah. I'm still, oh, well, I've slightly wavered actually here towards the end because of that whole dream. I didn't understand that thing.

But when you say dream, I didn't understand that thing, but when you say dream, I don't, you know, it's like time travel, you know? I am kind of trying. It's too much trouble. I'm explaining these movies in a way that does make them seem kind of absurd. I'm going to go with the opposite of my gut feeling

because I think you may be tricking me. I think that the one with the Nazi zombots might be the one you actually liked. So you i like movie b that's right and that movie a sucks is is suckage yeah it's the suck what do you what's the answer the answer is movie a i can reveal is prince of darkness oh by john carpenter what and it's a movie that I love ah and I've seen loads of times

right okay movie B is Frankenstein's Army okay which is directed by some guy

no one ever heard of um and yeah it's awful it's absolutely awful

oh my god I haven't seen Prince of Darkness so there you go that was good holy shit And, yeah, it's awful. It's absolutely awful. Oh, my God. I haven't seen Prince of Douglas. So there you go. That was good. Holy shit. Well, I was tricked at the end by your revealing the confusing end. Plot twist. Oh, boy.

Frankenstein made the army. That's literally the twist in the movie called Frankenstein's Army. Oh. The twist is that Frankenstein made the army called Frankenstein's Army. Oh. The twist is that Frankenstein made the army. Oh, my God. Well, listen. It's not really much of a twist, is it?

Because it's the fucking name of the film. That was amazing. Well, I'm glad we did this game show. It's working nice. So what we'll do is I've got some true, true, inverted commas. I think they're true. According to Tom Clark, these are true horror stories. I'm not sure that Snopes.com would allow them,

but maybe they would. I said to Tom, are these real? Would Snopes.com say okay? And he said sure. So these are true stories, right? I'm going to tell you the true story. You can tell me what you think. So these are all real?

This isn't a quiz? No. It's not going to turn out that one of them was fake? No. They were all actually just true? True. True stories. H. No. It's not going to turn out that one of them was fake. No. They were all actually just true. True. Okay. True stories.

Right. H.H. Holmes, right? Spelled like the Sherlock guy. Originally credited as America's first serial killer. His body count is thought to be somewhere between 27, which is the number he confessed to, and 200 victims. 200 people. So how is this possible?

Well, apparently he built a hotel in a bustling part of Chicago in the 1890s and designed it to be a perfect killing floor for his sick desires. Later dubbed the Murder Castle, it was designed to be a maze of windowless rooms, making it virtually impossible for those Holmes chose to trap. No one aside from Holmes knew the full layout of the place as he repeatedly hired and fired new builders to construct the killing castle in portions.

Some of the weirder attributes of this hotel were doors only able to be opened from the outside, doorways that opened onto brick walls, a safe big enough to fit a person inside to suffocate them, and a chute that allowed him to dump bodies from upper floors straight to the basement where two massive furnaces and large supplies of flesh-stripping acid were stored. Okay?

It's a true story. We're going with this being a true story. Yeah, yeah. Because it sounds legit, and Tom did say it was true. So the first thing that strikes set to me is that taking on different builders to construct it in portions. Yeah. But maybe he had to keep getting new builders in

because he killed the old set, you know? I can picture like a builder even. I can picture a builder and he's like, so it says here on the blueprints, this is a murder room. Is that right? And then H.H. Holmes just kills him. Just bangs him on the back of the head.

And then he scribbles out murder room and then he puts billions room. That's right. So the next builder, so I can see you on the bluep the head And then he scribbles out murder room And then he puts billions room That's right So the next builder So I can see you're on the blueprints This is a billions room That's right, yeah Nothing suspicious

And next door you've got a thing called the spike trap Oh shit And next door you've got a thing called the soft cushion room That's right, the soft cushion room I'll get you work Alright, thank you I mean you I'll get you work. All right, thank you. I mean, you couldn't get away with it these days because... TripAdvisor.

Yeah, TripAdvisor. You go, oh, this sounds a nice place. The murder castle. It sounds lovely. It's only got one star on TripAdvisor. One star. Let's look at the reviews. Oh, I got horribly murdered here.

Would not recommend. Also, the breakfast was cold. Oh, shit. Room service was very slow. There was no mattress protector on the bed. I found a pube on the sofa. Oh, no. This is kind of, it's more like a sci-fi movie.

Okay. Movie A. It's got Patrick Stewart in it. Uh-huh. So, you know, there's that. I mean, if you just have a think right now of what Patrick Stewart has been in. Okay, I'm thinking Star Trek.

I'm thinking X-Men. I'm thinking Shakespeare. It's none of that. It's very high-brow stuff. Good stuff. This is like a sort of 80s horror movie. I'm immediately thinking, though, that this is going to be good because Patrick Stewart, everything he's in, he's a good lad.

He puts a lot of work good he's a good lad it puts a lot of what he's a good lad okay so it's basically um about a space shuttle bumps into a massive massive spaceship oh god okay that is has been hidden sort of in the the tail of hailey's comet right so hailey's comet's coming by and they discover, on a mission to investigate the comet and take samples, that there's actually a massive spaceship hidden there. And they go in there

and it's full of these weird sort of crystallised spidery sort of creature things. Okay. But they find three naked humans. Right. And so what they do is they... What do you mean? Like suspended animation or something? Yeah, it's like they're in these sort of glass containers. Right. And so what they do is they... What do you mean?

Like suspended animation or something? Yeah, they're like in these sort of like glass containers. Okay, cool. So they end up taking them on board the space shuttle. Right. So that's how that starts. Okay, so that's... That's A.

Right, that's A. And it's a horror film. And it's a horror film. Right, so do they end up like popping out? Well, bad things happen, that's A. And it's a horror film. And it's a horror film. Right. So do they end up, like, popping out? Well, bad things happen, obviously. Okay. It doesn't... They aren't, you know, taught, you know,

how to make, you know, an energy system that doesn't provide any pollution. Right, they're not alien. They're not given... There's no cure for cancer given. Right, I see. You know, it's all horrible. I mean, my inclination is that either they're zombies

and it's some sort of outbreak and, you know, they fight them off because they don't want them to get back to the Earth, right, and spread the disease. Well, it's actually the space energy vampires. Right, sorry, space energy vampires. That's what it turns out. Because Halley's Comet has been going around the Earth for quite a long time.

You know, I would say probably billions of years, if not millions of years. And so, therefore, like like my inclination is that stories around comets and stuff tend to have people that came from earth before right like a big a there was like a big alien civilization on earth before and then they they they went up to the comet and then when it came back around again you see it so i tend to get the impression but, but this comet's come just from outer space, has it? And there's vampires out there, naked energy-sucking vampires. What, and they suck out the energy out of the ship's engine and stuff?

Well, they're like shape-shifting vampires. Right. And what happens is that the vampires on board the spaceship, they kill almost everyone apart from one guy. They drain them of their energy and they end up these weird sort of, like, dried-up husks of people. Right. But, yeah, that's just...

Like a rusk. Yeah. I want to move on to movie B. OK, let's move on to movie B. OK, movie B. Sorry, I got carried away. This is another sort of found footage-y kind of movie. Okay.

But this one is, it's like a reality TV show. Okay. So picture Big Brother, but all they have to do is, it's more like sort of Most Haunted mixed with Big Brother. They have to spend a night in an abandoned prison and whoever actually stays there wins $20,000, which isn't very much, is it? Okay, no, it's not very much.

But it's only just one night. In an abandoned prison? In an abandoned prison. It's fine. Get your sleeping bag out. So they go there. They end up sort of locked up inside. They're sort of all handcuffed together as well, these people.

And there's a TV monitor. Right. And it's a bit like... Now it's a bit like Saw. And the TV monitor comes on, but instead of it being like a jigsaw fella, a puppet thing, it's an evil clown. Okay. An evil clown. Okay.

An evil clown says, be careful because a big naked man is going to come and kill you all. Okay. Okay. So that's movie B. Goodness me. Well, I mean, I don't want to know anymore. I think I'm in a good place for this. I think that it's got to be movie B, right?

Because it's too easy. Like the Patrick Stewart one, he is great, but I reckon that in this one, he's not great. And I reckon that you liked movie B more. Okay. I'm going with that. that you liked movie B more. Okay. I'm going with that. So you say movie B. Yeah, because it sounds just like a kind of gory slasher.

The clown and the naked guy. Yeah. In a prison. I'd love it. It sounds great. I want to watch that. Okay. Okay.

I can reveal. The answer. Movie A is a film called Life Force. Right. Which is a sci-fi horror okay and it's directed by Toby Hooper who directed

Poltergeist for example oh which is a good film and he did Texas Chainsaw Massacre which is probably the most famous oh very famous

holy shit and I can reveal that it is movie A that I've liked the most i actually like and movie b is a film called the task and it is a real piece of shit it's terrible it's absolutely terrible um well yeah okay it's a bad one i they're like chased by this naked warden of the prison.

Right. The whole thing is set up so it's like they're going to be chased around by the clown, you think? Right. But no, they're just chased by just some guy. And there's lots of ridiculous things that they're asked to do. So they're asked to sort of be locked in like sort of coffins or you have to sit in the electric chair or you have to go into this sort of gas chamber and it's like well that's ridiculous and guess what happens they die oh my god he's really horrible it's like oh you have to

hold this gun up to your head and you have to not pull the trigger but just sort of wait and then someone comes along and they just pull the trigger it's like that kind of thing they're put in these ridiculously dangerous situations and they end up dead surprise well fucking shock horror that sounds shit okay it's bad it's got no redeeming features here's the next story it's called doggy suicides oh god overtuned bridge should i try and do this in a Scottish accent? The Overtoun Bridge in Dunbarston, Scotland... Have you ever met a Scottish person? ...has been described as picturesque,

overlooking a rolling valley, which should be... A rolling valley! Boy, I'm a Scottish man, is it? It's a place that carries a dark legacy of doggy suicide. Over the past 50 years, 50 dogs have leapt seemingly without warning over the edge of the bridge,

many falling 50 feet to their deaths. Why? Most of these suicidal leaps have happened from the same section of the bridge on the right-hand side between the two final parapets. Even stranger, all of the dogs who have died this way have been long-nosed breeds like Labradors, Collies and Retrievers. Some say the bridge is haunted and insist it's this creepy catalyst

that also spurred a local man to hurl his infant son, whom he believed to be the Antichrist off of it in 1994. Real story. After all, Overtune is Celtic for the thin place, an area where this world and the next are said to be close. So hang on. So why are the dogs just jumping off? So over the past 50 years,

50 dogs have leapt, seeming without warning, over the bridge's edge, many falling 50 feet to their death. So 50 years, 50 dogs have leapt, seeming without warning, over the bridge's edge, many falling 50 feet to their death. So 50 years, 50 dogs, 50 feet. Wow. That's a bit weird, right, straight away. They might be rounding it up. It might not actually be 50 feet. It might be 52 and a half.

Okay. And, you know, it might not have been 52 dogs. It might have been 49 dogs and a fox that looked a bit like a dog. Yeah. And, yeah, and a hamster. And, I mean, just think about this, right? Okay. If 50, okay.

Why wouldn't they have put up a fence? Let's just imagine. Wait, wait, wait. Let's just imagine you are a dog owner and your dog needs to go to the toilet and you need a bit of exercise, so you decide to take your dog for a walk. So you've got three options.

You can go to the dog park. Yeah. You can go to the pond or you can go over the haunted bridge where dogs kill themselves. So which of those three are you going to take? What's your dog called? Scrappers.

Scrappers. Sc what kind of what breed of dog is he is a welsh terrier little welsh little welshy yeah okay all right that's the thing it's a little welshy he's a little welshy uh so where are you going to take him for a walk he loves the dog park he loves making friends and he loves looking at the ducks in the pool in the pond and you like feeding them. He does love those, but today he's just leading me on his own. Where's he going? He's going up the road.

He's going up the road, but that's where the bridge is. Oh, it doesn't matter. That's where the haunted bridge is where ducks kill themselves. It's just a small little bridge over it. It's picturesque. It's got a lovely view. He's on a lead, isn't he? Yeah, he's on a lead.

He is on a lead. He's on a lead. Okay. Of course he is. It's not one of those extending leads, is it? No, it's just a normal lead. Oh, he's kidding. He's picturesque. It's got a lovely view. He's on a lead, isn't he? Yeah, he's on a lead. He is on a lead. He's on a lead. Okay. Of course he is. It's not one of those extending leads, is it? No, it's just a normal lead. Oh, he's kidding. He's loving it.

He's peeing on the little lamppost. He's taking a little shit I'm having to pick out with a plastic set as the bag. You don't do that. There is a bin, but it's on the other side of the bridge. Oh, of course. Well, don't worry. I won't have to hold on for this for very long. Careful.

Don't go into the traffic. Oh, come on. Come on, scrappers. Come on. There's only... I mean, it's not a busy traffic. Oh, come on. Come on, scrappers. Come on. There's only... I mean, it's not a busy bridge. It's like... Oh, yeah, there is.

There's another guy over there with a dog. Hello. Hello. Hello. Oh, God, what's happening to his dog? Oh, my God. Oh, shit. It's like expanding into like the devil.

The devil incarnate. The devil dog. Oh, no, it spooked. It spooked Scrappers. Oh, he's running. He's running for the edge. No, Scrappers. Scrappers, no!

No! Spish. Oh, well, this is true. I've just looked it up on Wikipedia. It is a true thing. Possibly in response... Is it bollocks? A sign has been erected on the bridge

which says, Dangerous bridge. Keep your dog on a lead. It's true. How can this be true? It's true. It's a thing. Apparently,

it's apparently something to do with like... Do you want me to read this? As the unexplained... This is Wikipedia. As the unexplained phenomenon received international media attention, the RSPB sent an animal expert, David Sexton, to investigate the causes to why dogs kill themselves. The RSPB? Yeah, the Royal Society

for the Protection of Birds. Birds? That's right. But it's dogs! It's dogs we're worried about, not birds. Well, he eventually focused on sex. Birds fucking throw themselves off a bridge. They'll fly off. Apparently there are mice and mink in undergrowth on the side of the bridge where dogs were leaping at them into the bushes.

Okay, that makes sense now. Yeah, so it's possible that the potent odour from male mink urine was luring keen-nogs to their deaths. Oh, man. But local hunter John Joyce 50 says, there is no mink around here, let me tell you. There's no fucking mink. I can tell you that with absolute certainty.

But I tell you what there is, there's a fucking demon underneath that bridge. It's the ghost of that child who Kevin Moy threw his boy off there. Oh, no. Believing he was the incarnational devil. Oh, I believe so as well. Jeez, well, there you go. That's actually what he said.

Thank you. No, he didn't say that. I heard that. Next one on your quiz list. Ah, yes. We've got another two movies. There's another found footage movie. Okay.

Okay. So movie A. I'm at a footage movie. Okay. Okay. So movie A. I'm at a 0% win rate so far. Well, you know, I like watching found footage movies, and I've watched loads of them. But there's bound to be a few of them that aren't as good as other ones. But this one, it follows five friends as they go off into the countryside, which is a typical kind of starter for, like, a movie since, you know, like Blair Witch.

Even like Evil Dead is a similar kind of set up. Yeah. So they're on their way to like a sort of a cabin in the woods, you might say. Okay. And on the way, they actually, they're filming it because it's the guy's birthday and the birthday present is the camera. Okay.

So you see that's why they're filming it. It makes sense now. Yeah, it's nice when they put those things in. So this guy's filming everything and he zooms in on stuff. It's like having a pair of binoculars. And he's a little bit of a voyeur. And it's a bit odd that they would encourage this sort of, you know, this unseemly

habit by buying him a video camera isn't he just gonna spy on girls and stuff with it um well i mean that's every teenage boy's dream i guess how old is he like 18 is he like a senior in college has he got like a uh has he got like a one of those fraternity like jackets on or like a football jacket i think they're a little bit older than that i think that you know they're it's like one of those fraternity jackets on, or like a football jacket? I think they're a little bit older than that. I think, you know, it's like they've finished, you know, uni. Okay. And, you know, they're sort of young 20s, maybe.

So they don't have jobs or anything? Or maybe they... It doesn't matter. They're on holiday. They're on holiday. It's not like, you know, there's a guy... So there's five friends on holiday. But this is a plot i've heard there's not a guy who's brought like all of his paperwork with him and he's doing some in this

fucking the back of this rv i was gonna say you know who knows anyway so they've got like this this big sort of like camper van thing right it's like camping in the woods right um so far i'm just thinking cabin in the woods so far right and and guess what happens to them right them, right? Well, do they set up in the cabin and they move in and they put all their stuff down and the spoopy stuff starts happening? They don't even fucking make it. They don't even get to the cabin. No. Right.

Is it a gas station, a creepy gas station? I don't want to go right to the end, but as things progress, they see like creepy little clues. They've sort of been left for them. So there's like a skinned animal on the side of the road okay which is really creepy because it's like why would you skin an animal and then just leave it there and then they see like a little girl and she's got she's holding a dolly and it's like is she like a sort of a ghost or something right um and then they end up being chased by a sort of, like an evil RV that's chasing them.

So there's a sort of... A ghost RV. An evil van. Okay. Recreational vehicle. That's what RV stands for. Got it. Did you know that?

Yeah. So it's like a bad one is coming and it's like chasing them down. That's pretty spooky. So this is movie A. Right. So it's quite a sort of realistic movie. It's got his feet on the ground. It's, you know, you could believe as though it almost happened.

Okay. Right? Yeah. I'm excited. Sounds good. Okay. Next one. The other movie, it's set on Mars.

Okay, good. And Jason Statham's in it. Jason Statham's in it. I love Jason Statham. Jason Statham's in it. I love Jason Statham. Jason Statham. Okay. Yeah. Shut up, you fucking Muppet.

Oh, my God. What are you saying? You fucking mug. Jason Statham. So, okay, think Mad Max, but the people are actually kind of like sort of zombies because they're like possessed by the goats, ghosts of an ancient civilization.

By the goats. They're possessed by goats. So, okay. So we've terraformed Mars. Okay. They can breathe the air. They're not wearing like bubble heads or anything. You can breathe on Mars, but it is still all pretty much desert.

Kind of red. Did they film it in a red area of Earth, like Tunisia or somewhere? It was filmed in Dorset. Right, okay. No, no. So this movie... So obviously the problem with sci-fi is that it requires this high budget straightaway, or at least sets that are quite elaborate.

And that's hard. It's easy when you're in a fucking forest, because there's forests everywhere, but setting something on Mars instantly is a problem. Yeah. I mean, space isn't so bad, because you just build an indoor set, like the cube, you know. That was just...

So, you know, for Cube, did you watch that horror film, Cube? It's just one set. It's just one cube they built. And then they changed the lighting. It looks slightly different. Yeah. So it looks slightly redder, or it looks slightly greener that's right and every time they crawl through into another cube they're just crawling back into the same same set i like that but anyway sorry go

on okay so basically um the spirits of an ancient martian civilization are possessing people which makes them into these weird sort of mad max type characters wearing like leather bondage gear, brandishing big spiky things. Oh, Jesus. And they chase after people and like murder them and rip them apart. Okay. It's like the Wild West. With Jason Statham. It's like, oh, God, okay.

Jason Statham's in it and he's not taking any shit. I'm not taking any shit. I've got to transport my prisoner who is the rapper Ice Cube. Is this true? Yeah. Holy shit. Well, I fucking want to see this movie again. I think I may have heard of it, but I can't remember it.

That's good. If you want to watch it, I'm selling it to you. I think if you told me the title, I'd be like, oh, yeah, I think I've heard of that. Does it sound better than the movie A it does oh no shit what was movie A oh yeah movie A

was the one with the cabin right but they didn't get to the cabin they never you know they don't make it there it's kind of like the journey to the cabin

should I guess at like I'm going to guess at the names of these films I think film A is called you're never going to guess what it's called the no the RV death RV Film A is called... You're never going to guess what it's called. The...

No way. The RV. Death RV. Recreational death. I'm going to call it that. Death on the road. Death on the road. Death road.

But two is... B, you mean? B is... Mars... Monsters. Monstrous planet. Dark planet. I'm going to call it that. The dark planet.

Right, so. I mean, you're not a million miles off. Really? I'm going with the one you liked being, well, listen, I think the one you liked is probably the one with jason statham and ice cube so i'm gonna know how much of a big fan i am of the stave i'm gonna go with with the other one to to because i so you're saying that i think you liked it's the one i liked yeah and you hated the one with ice realistic one jason stath that A is the one I liked. Yeah. And you hated the one with Ice Cube and Jason Statham.

And B, the one with actual famous people in. Yeah, you hated it. That sounds good. It's the one that I hate. Yes. Okay. You liked the one in the van. Okay, I can reveal.

Movie A is a film called Crow's Nest right and it's one of the worst films I've seen shit full stop let alone horror movies oh um

film B is by John Carpenter again oh my god and it's called Ghosts of Mars Ghosts of Mars oh fucking hell, dude.

I am... I've never even heard... Well... It stars Natasha Henstridge, who hasn't been in that many movies, and I was a little bit worried that I would say, you know, it was her, and you'd go,

oh, my God. I know that you like her. She was in Species. That would have given it away. Oh, boy. Well, I've got another story for you, if you're ready for it. Oh, I'd love to hear your story. June and Jennifer Gibbons.

June and Jennifer Gibbons. Gibbons. Don't laugh. This is a serious horror story. No, no. This is true as well. Were British twin girls, right, whose bond.....became something ostracising and dangerous? Did they suffer from folie a deux?

I don't... Hang on, I haven't got that bit yet. OK. Maybe that's... No, actually, it doesn't look like this in there. What is that? It's literally like the sort of... Well, the word folly comes from folie, and it's like sort of a madness... sort of madness that's shared between two people. Because normally, if you're going to do something

and you're looking for sort of approval from people, your peers, you have a whole selection of people to decide whether it's funny to do something or whether it's just weird and creepy, you know, that kind of behaviour. So your behaviour is sort of kept in check but when you're so close to just one other person that you shut everything out of the world your only feedback is from that one person so you do things that are a little bit weirder i think because they give you the feedback that says it's okay and then it becomes like a sort of feedback loop and you both end up doing really weird fucking things. Is it like when you have some of these couples

who talk like gibberish to each other and they're like... Yeah, I mean... Boopie, boopie, boopie, boopie and they talk shit to each other and they just go around in this feedback loop of insanity. It's common certainly in twins that, you know, they would have sort of a shared language.

Yeah, yeah, so that's what it says. It says here, as children, they spoke their own language and rarely spoke to anyone else, but their love for each other sometimes curdled, resulting in big arguments and one trying to murder the other. Oh, my God. As they got older, they went on a crime spree of theft and arson that got them branded as psychopaths

okay it says here so obviously they didn't murder anyone or themselves i guess it says here though they were committed to broadway hospital for the criminally insane when they were 14 years old okay so i guess their criminal spree of theft and arson they were doing that when they were just like teenagers so maybe they were just mucking around you know and then it says if it's mucking around it's not really described as a spree I don't know like you know lots of kids get into theft and arson and it's not like

getting branded as a psychopath did you embark on a crime spree when you were like 12 or 30 I was going around doing naughty stuff like any of your kids were sometimes I'd steal a penny sweet for the news agent 12? Or 30? I was going around doing naughty stuff like any of your kids were. Sometimes I'd steal a penny sweet for the newsagent. Oh, my God.

I got caught stealing penny sweets from the newsagent. That's another story. Oh, my God. Oh, I want to hear this one. It was one of those things, right, where I just took... Hang on, did it happen more than 10 years ago? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The statute of limitations has expired on me stealing penny sweets. I think that's how it works.

Basically, I always used to fill up this bag of sweets and then just say to them, I've got like 20p's worth, right? Yeah. And they would never normally count. You actually had 25p's worth. Exactly. Oh my God, you rebel.

I only had 20p. Oh, fuck. But I'd filled up this bag, so it had like 80p worth in there. And I thought, oh, this is going to be great. Lewis. What? They knew that you had that many, but you were a regular customer. They knew I was ripping them off.

Yeah. Well, they weren't ripping you off, because they got those sweets really, really cheap. So they weren't really losing a lot of money, just a tiny bit. I suppose, yeah, it was only like 80p. And they loved you. No, they didn't.

They were miserable old bastards. Yeah, they may have come across like that, but they let you have loads of extra sweets because they loved you and they loved children. You're probably right. I'm sorry, whoever you were, the news agent, if you're still going, you're probably not. I'm certainly not selling penny sweets.

They're dead now. They're dead. And you've been speaking ill of them. Oh. Which is wrong. Candy man. Later, they did finally... You're the candy man stealing all those fucking sweets.

I know. I did finally begin to reach out to someone. Journalist Marjorie Wallace. To her, they showed remarkable self-awareness, admitting they could never be individuals as long as the other lived. Jennifer told Wallace, I'm going to die.

We've decided. As they were being transferred to a lower security facility that would give them more freedom, Jennifer died. Though she is said to have died of a heart attack, it's a bizarre coincidence, to say the least. So there isn't any other information about this, June and Jennifer Gibbons, what happened to them afterwards.

I will search Wikipedia. I think Tom's research on this has been pretty lax. They were identical twins who grew up in Wales. Oh. They began writing works of fiction but turned to crime in a bid for recognition. Ugh. Okay. They were daughters of the Caribbean immigrants. All right. began writing works of fiction but turned to crime in a bid for recognition. Ugh. Okay.

They were daughters of the Caribbean immigrants. All right. As the only black children in their community, they were ostracized at school, which proved traumatic. Okay, so that's why they got more idiosyncratic and just were only friends with each other. So I guess there was a bit of racism happening back in the 60s. But, yeah, I think they were sent to separate boarding schools in an attempt to break their isolation,

but they became withdrawn when parted. And when only when together, they were okay. Well, there you go. So I guess their crime spree lasted 14... Oh, no, not 14 years. They were in prison for 14 years. They weren't actually imprisoned at 14. They were treated at 14.

They got out, had a lot of trouble, I guess. God, that's really sad. June wrote, like, soap operas, one called The Pepsi-Cola Addict, where a high school hero was seduced by a teacher and then sent away to a reformatory school where a homosexual guard makes a play for him. None of these things got made, did they?

I don't think so. Jennifer wrote a thing called Discomania, the story of a young woman who discovers that the atmosphere of a local disco incites patrons to insane violence. Shorshow wrote a book called The Tax Driver's Son and a play called Postman and Postwoman. There you go. Weird.

Oh, God. So that is spoopy. So, yeah, Jennifer spoopily died and June is living quietly and independently near West Wales and seeks to put the past behind her. Well, that story ended in a less spoopy way, which is nice. Okay. Yeah, that's all right. You know, as long as there's a vaguely happy her. Oh. Well, that story ended in a less spoopy way, which is nice. Okay. Yeah, that's all right.

You know, as long as there's a vaguely happy ending. Yeah. Oh, goodness me. Oh. Okay. Let's have your last challenge. I've got to get one of these, for God's sakes. Yeah, we've had three rounds so far, and you've got all three of them wrong.

I'm sorry. Okay, so this is a little bit complicated, but I want you to sort of try and stay with me here. Right. Okay. So, again, this is sort of a horror sci-fi. And, again, it's about zombies pretty much. Yeah.

So there's a woman and she wakes up and she's wearing an amazing dress. Okay. And she has, I almost said insomnia. She wakes up and she realises she has insomnia. Okay. Oh, God. She, the irony is that I can't remember what it's called. What do you mean?

She's sleepwalking. What do you mean? This is fucking hilarious. Oh, my God. This is the first sign of dementia for me. Amnesia. Oh. Do you see the irony in it now?

I get it. Yeah. I couldn't remember. You couldn't remember the word amnesia. This would have been an the irony in it now? I get it. Yeah. I couldn't remember. You couldn't remember the word amnesia. This would have been an amazing bit. If I'd done this on purpose, this would have been hilarious. Very clever. Me not remembering the word amnesia.

But instead it was just slightly worrying. Instead it was worrying. People were like, Simon, are you okay? What year is it? It's actually quite sad. Who's the president? I don't know. Bernie Sanders. What? Colonel Sanders. What year is it? It's actually quite sad. Who's the president? I don't know.

Bernie Sanders. What? Colonel Sanders. Oh, my God. That would be great. Movie A. I'd vote for him. Movie A.

A woman wakes up. She's wearing an amazing dress. She's got really nice boots on as well. But she's got amnesia. She doesn't know where she is or what's going on. Classic start of a film. She opens up some drawers and there's some guns. She doesn't even know where she is. She's in a big sort of mansion

and then loads of people appear and they are smashing through the windows and they've all got guns. Oh, shit. Okay. And it's revealed that actually there's like a lab.

And they've got to go to the lab because there's an emergency. And for some reason that I don't really quite understand, they take the woman with them. Right. Okay. So that's movie A. Right. Movie B. I'm doubting that this one is the good one, but sure, let's go. Movie B. Right. Okay, yeah. Okay. So that's movie A. Right. Movie B. I'm doubting that this one is the good one, but sure, let's go.

Movie B. Right, okay, yeah. Okay. So this is the very start of the film. There's a tree. Hanging from the tree are hundreds of dead cats. Okay. We then look inside the house.

Inside the house is Mark Hamill. Right. Known as Luke Skywalker. Right. And he's like, hmm, something bad has happened here. Right. There's hundreds of dead cats in this house. Now, the reason there's loads of dead cats is because there's shape-shifting energy vampires,

a lot like the previous movie that we talked about, Life Force. Oh, yeah. But these ones can be killed by cats. Oh, God. If a cat scratches them, they can die. Okay, right. So, oh, God. So there's life-stealing energy vampires that suck off your life.

I beg your pardon? And you need to get a cat. The only saviour is a cat. Yes. And Mark Hamill's in it. No, he's just in the start as like a sort of cameo. Right. I'm guessing that...

Do you want to know a bit more? Or are you going to make an initial guess? Well, my initial thoughts are the first film... Well, no. Okay, the first film... So, what? Do the armed people take her to the lab? They take her down to the lab, which is deep underground.

Right. And it turns out that there's a hologram of a little girl, and she says, you're all going to die down here. I've heard of that before. Does she actually say that? Yeah. But you do that all the time? Yeah.

Is that where you got it from? You're all going to die down here. Right. I like saying that occasionally in the office. You do. You do. It creeps me out. It happens.

She says that to all the armoured people and the scientists as well. Yeah. And then... What starts killing them? Like ghosts? And then a man... know you like you like the movie cube remember when the guy was split into cubes by all these lasers oh yeah that happens in this movie as well no way yeah wow that sounds great and he's um i think it's colin salmon it

happens to you as well i think it's colin salmon colin salmon he could have been james bond lewis he could have been i don't know who that is let Let me Google him. What does he look like? No, don't Google him. You might see what movies he's been in. Oh, shit. Okay. And then B is what? Again, so hang on. So in movie B, we've got the vampires.

Mark Hamill's at the start. Does Mark Hamill get bumped off pretty quick? No. He's like investigating this. Investigating it. He's investigating this place. Mm-hmm. But the...

In the kit. It's actually... Very pretty. It's actually... Very important. It's actually a woman and her son. And they move on from town to town. Do they love cats? No, they hate cats because cats can kill them. Oh!

Because they're shape-shifting energy vampires. Also, the mother wants to have sex with her son. Good God. Okay. Okay. Yes. Well, my first thought was obviously B, but I'm moving towards A now, although it does sound... It's got to be A.

It's got to be A because it's the one that you quote. I'm going with A. Wait, wait. What? Final answer. No. I was going to say movie B. Oh, no. What? Final answer. No. Do, do, do. I was going to say, movie B.

Oh, no. Don't tell me this. Right. I mean, not only has Luke Skywalker in, it's got Ron Perlman. Oh, my God. Too late. Too late to change. And it's a Stephen King book. Oh.

Movie A is based on a video game. What? Oh. Okay. So give me your final answer now. Do I prefer movie A or movie B? Go. Movie B.

I've changed my mind. It's the right answer. Yes. I finally got one. Oh, thanks for letting me change. Holy shit. So movie A, you needed to win one of these rounds. Movie A was Resident Evil.

I got it. I got it towards the end, yeah. And movie B is Sleepwalkers, which is a good film that I enjoy. Okay. Which is a good film that I enjoy. OK. But movie A, Resident Evil. Do you know what? I like the Resident Evil movies, but I know they're bad. Yeah, you like them, but you don't like them.

You don't want to watch them again. I know that they're bad, and yet I still enjoy them. I guess you know about the Winchester house. Tom's put this on the list. Yeah. One of the strangest structures in the US is the home of the late Sarah Winchester, the widow of the gun magnate William Winchester.

She believed that the ghosts created by her husband's Winchester rifles would come to her for vengeance. OK? Is that what happens when you shoot someone with a Winchester rifle, they turn into a ghost? And their ghost floats all the way to your house to get their body just turns into a ghost yeah and then they go to the woman's house to protect her she built a mansion that was endlessly under construction for 36 years uh it is said she believed that keeping it always in flux would

ward off spirits who do her harm but the construction is completely nonsensical there are windows that look into other portions of the home rather than outside doors and stairwells lead to nowhere apparently 75 million dollars has been spent on the house and it's been a tourist attraction since 1923 five months after she died of heart failure at the grand old age of 83 oh so she did she did pretty good didn't she so maybe she actually did the right thing by, you know. Kept those ghosts out. Because I think it's probably important to sort of keep your mind busy and have sort of projects, you know, as you sort of, you know, if you're, she probably never had a job, this woman.

No. Did she? So she always had a project and that was the house. Yeah. And, you know, it kept her busy. For some people it's the garden or, you know. Yeah, they'd potter around in a garden. Yeah. And, you know, it kept her busy. For some people it's the garden or, you know. Yeah, they'd potter around in a garden. Yeah, or sowing. And her, you know, and she was,

you know, terrified that ghosts would come and, you know. Get her. Get her. Well, I mean, the thing is, if you're a ghost. That's actually not very nice. Okay, if you're a ghost or a lot of ghosts, I mean, Winchesters must have killed thousands of people, right? If not millions. At least. Millions. Billions. At least billions of people. Well, I would say. And all those ghosts, ooh, floating along, coming over to the house. And they get to the house, right? And they go in the front door, and they're like,

ooh, there's a window looking outside. I can't. I must have to go left. And they go up the stairwell, and it goes up to nowhere. And they're like, ooh, that must be all of the house. There was no one here then so goodbye okay yeah i mean there is there is a logical flaw in this in that there's staircases that lead to nowhere doors that open into just the wall but if you're a ghost surely you can walk through walls well that's what i was and you can keep walking up the stairs even

though there's just the ceiling there i imagine it a little bit like being in no clip in Garry's Mod. Yeah, it's exactly like that. You know, you can just clip through all of the walls. It's NCL. If you were a ghost, you could just see the cross section and you'd see, you know, old Sarah Winchester in her rocking chair in like a really sort of confused maze, just like, you know, with like ball and yarn

and like her cat just like, you know, stroking it, making sure it protects her from those energy vampires that are out together you know the incestuous energy vampires yeah oh so yeah i don't know like i i can see that it will provide her with a certain level of security you know it's like a psychological thing it's like she just feels safe in her extremely creepy confusing jumbled up house so So other people might see like a haunted house. Can you imagine, you're staying over, you're

mates with the widow of Winchester, and you're staying over at her house for the night. You've had dinner, you had a lovely night, you had a couple of bourbons. That's right. And you go to bed. And you wake up and you feel a bit of a rumbling in your belly.

You think, oh, I could really do with a poop. I need a shit and a piss. Need a shit and a piss. I need a shit and a piss. Right. Where's the bathroom? Right. So you leave your room.

You look down the corridor. There's 18 different routes. You take one. It's a staircase, but you fall down and you're in a weird, dark place. You crawl on your hands and knees. You're actually in a room and everything's upside down. That's right. The chairs are on the ceiling.

It's very spooky. There's a candelabra thing and it's on the floor. And so you turn on the light. It's actually the toilet, but you have to stand up on your hands and on your head and do a poop up into the ceiling. You do a poo and it slides down your back and you make a terrible mess. And then you try and find your way back

and you accidentally walk into the kitchen, stark bollock naked and everyone's sitting there having their breakfast. Because it's been six hours. Because it's morning, yeah, that's right. That's right. So, holy shit. You walk into the kitchen, stockpile it naked

with a streak of shit down your back and everyone's eating pancakes. And they're like, would you like some orange juice? That's just normal for them. They're all the same. They're all just like... They're all just like... They're all making a shit in their bath. It happened to me too.

I see you're from the toilet. Oh, God. Jesus. Good. Well, that's a story. That's a lovely story so that's good so here's another one

I mean Tom's pasted these in now I don't know where these come from but this says it just says BFM from thanks okay I don't know

what that means but maybe it means something so maybe I don't know where he got these from either we'll find out maybe it's from Reddit maybe it's just from the internet

I don't know maybe he just got sent them who knows we bought a 50s bungalow a few years ago the original owner had passed and we were the first

people to live there since she had passed wind that's right yes it really smelled we had to air the place out a lot we had to move house

that's the end of the story thank you bye oh my god my daughter's bedroom the end of the story. Thank you. Bye. Oh my god. My daughter's bedroom was on the far side of the house from mine and was always colder than the rest of the house. We chalked

it up to poor insulation in that room, but every night I would hear her talking to someone. At first I just thought it was baby sleep babbling. She was about two at the time, but then she started talking to someone. At first I just thought it was baby sleep babbling. She was about two at the time. But then she started talking to someone in the daytime too. I asked her about it and she told me it was the blue-faced mummy.

Mummy wanted to play peek-a-boo with her all the time and wouldn't leave her alone. So wait, mummy is not mother. Blue-faced mummy. Is it mummy as in... The blue-faced mommy. With bandages. No, no, no.

Just mommy. Oh, mommy. Blue-faced mommy. So it's a blue-faced mother. Yeah. I'm doing a weird accent. It's not... Blue-faced mommy.

So where are they from, these people? America. Okay. The accent... You weren't doing an American accent. The mommy. I didn't realise it was American until I read the word mommy. No, people? America. Okay. The accent, you weren't doing an American accent. The mommy. I didn't realize it was American until I read the word mommy. No, that's through me.

Okay. The mommy wanted to play peek-a-boo with her all the time. And wouldn't leave her alone. She said she would wake her up in the night to play peek-a-boo. It freaked the shit out of me. I talked about it with one of the other ladies in the neighbourhood, one of the older ladies who knew the original family. Apparently their oldest daughter had suffocated herself in the house

after giving birth to a stillborn child. Not sure how she suffocated herself. The neighbour didn't have a lot of details. It happened in the early 70s. Anyway, I'm fairly certain that the blue-faced mommy my daughter was talking about is this person. Did she suffocate herself with the farts from the passing

of gas? It could have happened. A friend told me she had to read the best way to deal with lingering spirits. Sorry, a friend told me she had read the best way to deal with lingering spirits was to politely ask them to leave. So one night when my girl was woken up, I went to her room and politely said, Please, Mom, your family has moved away.

I need you to go now. And after that, nothing. I still get chills thinking about it. So this is a real story that someone has posted on Reddit, I think. Spooky story. It's true a real story that someone has posted on Reddit, I think. Spooky story. It's true. True story that actually happened. So their kid

saw this blue-faced mommy. They talked around in the neighborhood. This creepy old woman told them that someone had suffocated herself after giving birth to a stillborn child. What the fuck?

But it doesn't make sense, right? Oh, maybe the blue-faced mommy is... Oh, God, it's creepy, isn't it? It's creepy. I don't understand what a blue-faced mommy is. I mean, is it a ghost with a blue face? Yeah, I guess so. It's the ghost of the woman who suffocated herself

after giving birth to the stillborn child. So she's got a blue face because she suffocated herself. Yeah. That makes sense. Does that happen? I guess so. Do you have a blue face if you suffocate yourself herself. Yeah. That makes sense. Does that happen? I guess so. Do you have a blue face if you suffocate yourself? Sinosis or something it's called.

Maybe. Yeah, your skin colour goes blue when it's, you know... My like is politely, Please, ma'am, your family has moved away. We need you to go now. That's what she says to the ghost. Yeah. Ma'am, excuse me, ma'am, You can't haunt this place, ma'am.

You're going to have to move on. Thank you, ma'am. Okay, cool. Oh, that was a spoopy one. That was weird, wasn't it? So we've got next is one called Chirp from 3B. So this was, I don't know where. Tom hasn't given me any information,

but we'll just assume it's posted on Reddit. He might have just made these up. No, he definitely didn't. They're all full of spelling mistakes and stuff. When my friend was about 11 or 12, she went to an all-inclusive resort with her family. Okay, well, it's already a past-odd story. You're telling me a story from when your friend was 11 or 12.

That's fine. This is one of those big places with several pools, restaurants, kids' areas, et cetera. Like a big holiday camp. Okay? You've been to those? Yeah. You know what they're like? A good old holiday camp.

Family camp. The parents leave the kids to play for the day and they get drunk on the beach or whatever. Her dad buys walkie-talkies. One for her and her brother and one for the adults. This is before cell phones were a big thing. So they could stay in touch if the kids wanted to go do their own thing. Okay, so that's cool. That's fun. It's a holiday thing. Yeah they could stay in touch if the kids wanted to go do their own thing. Okay, so that's cool. That's fun.

It's a holiday thing. Yeah, I mean, this isn't really spooky yet. This is all just pretty normal. No, it's all legit. One night, her parents and her brother go down to the restaurant for supper. My friend isn't feeling well, so she asks to stay in the hotel room and watch a movie. It's fine. They agree.

Give her the walkie-talkie in case of an emergency. And she's up there for an hour or so, checking in periodically with her dad on the walkie-talkie, just saying hi, asking what they're eating, etc. Okay? She starts to feel really sick and says to her dad, Hey, when will you be back to the room? Her dad answers back, We're coming up right now.

Sweetie, I forget the room number. Could you tell me what it is? Okay, because that's happened to me. You've forgotten your room number. As soon tell me what it is? Okay, because that's happened to me. You've forgotten your room number. As soon as she's about to answer, her dad's voice cuts in. Hey, chirp, we're coming up right now. We bought you some cake. See you in five.

She knows the second one is her dad because he always calls her chirp. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's two voices. Yeah. So there's two dads. One's on the phone. Yeah. Where's the other one? On the phone there's two dads. One's on the phone. Yeah. Where's the other one?

On the phone. On a different phone? On the same phone. So her dad answers back, We're coming up right now, sweetie. I forget the room number. Could you tell me what it is? Right.

And then just as she's about to answer, her dad's voice cuts in again. Hey, chirp, we're coming up right now. We brought you some cake. See you in five. So did he ring twice then? No, it was a different one. She knows the second one's her dad because he always calls her Chirp.

So she's on the phone to her dad. Yeah. He's saying... Not phone, he's on a walkie-talkie. Oh, he's on the walkie-talkie. Right, okay. Right, that makes more sense. Right.

But someone over the walkie-talkie comes who isn't her dad asking... Right, because if someone can get into the frequency... About what her room number is. Then, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. This makes sense now. Right. Because if someone can get into the frequency. About what her room number is. Then yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. This makes sense now.

Right. Oh shit. Oh my God. So someone's pretending to be her dad. Which one is it? Which one is it? She knows the second one is her dad. Yeah.

Because he always calls her chirp. And the other one doesn't know what room they're in. That's right. Oh shit. She locked the door and turns the walkie talkie off. When her parents get back, they say they haven't talked to her all night. So neither of them. Neither of them have talked.

But all night. She's been talking with some other person all night who's creepy. All night. All night. And he wanted to find out her room number and she almost told him. Oh, my God. Spooky. That is a bad one, isn't it?

Oh, she was that close to being like inviting some creepy up to her room. That's horrible. That could have been a disaster, couldn't it? Oh, she was that close to being like, inviting some creepy up to her room. That's horrible. That could have been a disaster, couldn't it? Oh my God. Oh boy. Wow, that's really,

that's really spooked me actually, that last one. Jeez. Oh gosh. Well, we did want to give people a bit of a spook. So I think that's, that's a real spooky.

Holy crap, that's the end. That's the end of my stories. I think, I think we've done stories. I think we've done it. I think we've done it, Simon. Oh, my God. We've managed to spook everyone. I'm spooked. I've spooked myself.

I'm pretty spooked. There is piss dribbling down my left leg. Okay. That's right. Well, there you go. Holy crap. Thank you, everyone, for listening to this podcast. I hope you've enjoyed this episode.

This is the... We're saying we skip four. This is the SPAC 5 killer. Yeah, but it might be... The S can be a five. Yes. The 5-pack killer. Okay.

That's what this is. We'll do that. We've decided what it's called right in the last minute of the show. The five-pacular. Hopefully, we'll be able to do more podcasts over the next year.

I'm looking forward to the six-pacular. Would you like to continue doing podcasts, Simon? I think it would be fun. I would love to, yes. We can get all of your questions and stuff. People have been sending us

some really amazing, funny questions. So I'd love to go through those with you. And I think it'd be really fun. We could get all of your questions and stuff. People have been sending us some really amazing, funny questions, so I'd love to go through those with you, and I think it'd be really fun. We could change some lives. Oh, we love talking about the spooky stuff too, so maybe a few of the creepy bullshit stories will find their way, or urban myths will find their way into... Not for another year.

...the ordinary podcast as well. We'll see if we have enough material. Otherwise, thank you everyone for listening. Thank you so much. Lots of love and see you all next time goodbye

goodbye ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha