Triforce! - YoGPoD 47: Spirit Animal

Episode Date: November 24, 2015

We find out what's going on in Simon's head when I ask him a whole list of questions.   Production Music Courtesy of Epidemic Sound Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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York Pod Hello, welcome back to the York Pod. Don't do that, that's creepy. Don't do a creepy voice. Why, do you want to, right, you do the intro. Do a happy voice. Go on then. Hello, everybody.

Welcome back to the Yodpod. Oh, it's good to do this again. So this is episode two. What? No. Of the new age of the Yodpod because I figure it was so long because we couldn't even decide what SPAC 5 kilo was called. Do you remember?

Well, I said it was... So we'll just call that one. You say we couldn't even decide what SPAC 5 kilo was called. Do you remember? Well, I said it was... So we'll just call that one. You say we couldn't decide. I knew it would be fourth, but you insisted on going for the fifth. 2015, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we'll go with this one being two. So basically, we had a nice format for the last one. You know, you had some stuff prepared.

I had some stuff prepared. Yeah. Now, don't have... We've thrown all that out the window. Very much prepared. That's gone. But I was thinking we could just toy with formats and see what works. I've got a list of questions.

Shall we just get started? Is this like a job interview? Yeah. Is it like the yearly review is up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's my annual review. My performance review. I'd like you to say why you want to work here at Yostcast.

Have you done any research about what we do here? Do you know what we do? Yeah, I looked at the website um and it's a great website you've got um thanks and i think i would be a good part of the team because i i work very well as an individual but also as part of a team well that's exactly responsibilities and you know i'm a very professional manner and i'm i've got good uh skills with the with the communications good well go on and i i can email i can use a number of internet programs. Tell me more. I can use Chrome, Firefox, Internet Explorer, Opera, Mercury. I can use all of those. I'm really good at those.

Safari I can use as well. That's another one. I'm writing this down. It's ticking the boxes. I'm a social media guru. I don't like to uh took me or my own horn uh but you know i'll have to i'll have to lose some weight and a few ribs to be able to reach to toot my own horn no um sorry that's i shouldn't say that in a job interview that's awful have we been through this slightly before?

Who was it from your history who did that again? It was Paul... Atreides. No. It wasn't Marilyn Manson. It was someone else. Mark Bolan. Mark Bolan, that's right.

And for anyone older than you, it's someone else. Anyway, that was a great start. What's your strengths and weaknesses in a job interview? What do you reply for that question? I think my biggest strength is I can... Lift a table? I'm self-sufficient. Right.

I can look after my own needs. I can order pizza. I look after my own needs. I can order pizza. I can tell the cleaner to come round and clean the house. You're like an old lady who's trying to convince me, because this is exactly what my nan was like. I can phone a taxi driver by myself. I'm very self-sufficient. So my nan is 89, and she's moving...

I'm 89 years old! She's moving to... Does she say that? She does. But when you get that old, you start counting in halves as well. And I've got all my faculties. It's like when you're nine. It's like 89 is like being nine again. When you're 89, you do have to say that you've got all your faculties.

I'm 89 and two-fifths. Two-fifths? Two-fifths. Who even would say that? That is a very, very strange fraction to pick as well in the 12 months of the year. Very strange. What is two-fifths of 12?

I don't fucking know. It's 40% of 12. Okay. No, that's a third. So it's slightly more than four. Okay. So maybe, you know, four and and a bit but she's been going through these interviews to get into uh like these old old people retirement complexes so

it's not like it's not like a home it's like a job interview yeah so she has to what's your biggest strengths and what's your biggest weakness the biggest weakness is i need help to go to the toilet like that i'm not saying that your grandmother does need help. I wouldn't want to presume. We all need help sometimes. We do. We certainly do. And so, yeah.

So this is what that reminds me of. You remind me of the things you're saying are just so... I remind you of your nan who is going into a home. That's right. Is that what you're saying? Well, she's not going into a home. She's buying a flat in a residential in a retirement place it's like sheltered accommodation it's like a little safety net for people i've i mean i've worked in a place

like that yeah so yeah it's very difficult to to deal with but she's she's she's still got all of her faculties she does and uh we recently They're always full of women, these places. Do you know why? Because all the men die. Oh, flipping heck. So there's no living men to go in those retirement places. I recently got her... So we got her an electric wheelchair

because we were walking around one of these super mall places and she got a bit tired. So we put her in one of these free electric wheelchairs they have for people. She's like Charles Xavier. No, she was like just a race car driver. She was like, you know, I'm trying to think of some that aren't dead

but, you know, she was like Ayrton Senna, right? She was just smashing into stuff, like driving around like crazy. She was like the guy out of Fast and the Furious. Paul Walker. Paul Walker. That's what she was like. He's how he died. Like crazy. She was like the guy out of Fast and the Furious. Paul Walker. Paul Walker. That's what she was like.

He's dead as well. Yeah. I mean, I thought she was just going to go straight through one of the glass-like things and straight down, plummeting three stories to her doom. She was so reckless. That's probably the fastest she's gone in years, mate. Well, she's never had a driver's licence. That's the thing in her life.

She's never driven. This is the fastest I've gone since I was 53. But do you know what? She's terrified of planes. It was your grandad's birthday and he was chasing after me. Now, do you... Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh, flipping A. He wanted to slip it in. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Why? So she is one of these people who is terrified of flying, but she absolutely loves, guess what her favourite TV show is? Airwolf. No, it's Air Crash Investigation.

Oh, for fuck's sake. I know, it's ridiculous. And I think that it's almost like the equivalent for fuck's sake I know it's ridiculous and I think that it's almost like the equivalent for her of watching like a spooky film right you know

it almost like it almost like founds all of her fears she's like yeah every time she she's in the back of her mind I guess she's always thought

oh it's a bit silly I shouldn't be scared of flying but she obviously is and it's justified when she watches the air-crushing footage. She's like, look, see, this is why I don't fly. You know?

I mean, there's a thing in which the media that we consume sort of shapes our view of the world and then, you know, as we're growing up and then as, you know, perhaps adults, we like to choose particular media that confirms our view of the world. That's true. So it's just this self-fulfilling prophecy of, like, she watches, you know, an air crash thing when she was younger and she was like, oh, oh, it's dangerous.

And she goes around, she's telling everyone, oh, it's dangerous. And then she watches this TV show because it confirms her view of the world as being dangerous. So is there anything that you think you do like that? I mean, because we know you watch, you love all the crap like the gold mining in Alaska and stuff. Oh, my God. Gold diggers. So do you think you actually want to be a gold miner?

Would that be something that appeals to you like in somewhere deep in your in your bowel i mean i think it would be i mean just the idea of being up in like canada or alaska you got a lovely sort of log cabin and um you go out you you pick up your pickaxe you know it's a lovely sunny morning it's quite cold and fresh the air is you know it's sort of stinging with with cold you just wave at the local bear your breath is coming out in in like you know you're sort of ragged heebs oh forming these these icy clouds you've got your corgi there yapping at your heels you need you need the corgi because he scares away the bears that's right yeah they're very vicious they are they're very excitable and vicious.

Yeah. And he's got like a spiked collar on to make him look hardcore. He only wants to play with the bear, but the bear sees him and, oh, he looks terrible. I've also put like eye shadow around his eyes. Oh. So he looks sort of goth.

A bit of white powder on the makeup. Yeah, yeah. Nice, nice. I've also shaved one of his ears. And an Iron Maiden T-shirt. Yes. Yeah. With Eddie on.

That's what he's called, isn't it? Eddie? He's God. So are there any laws or social rules that baffle you at the moment? Have you been like, are you if you if you've been like are you thinking there's some laws that need to go or like rules in society that are just just the worst well i mean there's this whole thing about um you know i i really do think that times have changed and you know certainly in the like last 50 years or so

people's sort of attitudes have really changed and things that previously were sort of taboo yeah and now sort of like commonplace and and everyday and accepted in society yeah and so that's why i think you know we should be allowed to just murder people whenever we want because there's a lot of annoying assholes out there that should just be killed. So, I mean, have you seen The Purge then? Yeah, The Purge and The Purge Anarchy. And the Rick and Morty Purge episode.

No, not that one. Oh, it's good. You should check it out. Is it all about vomiting? It's basically just called The Purge. It's just like the film. It's good, though. So do you think that is that a good idea,

to have a day where everyone could just let their... Yeah, I think so, but it should be, you know, like once a week. You know, a day every week. I see what you're saying. So, I mean, they're talking about legalising... Probably Mondays would be good because, you know... Mondays. OK, well, I'm glad you've sort of had a think about this one.

Murder Mondays. Obviously, there's this big problem with an illegal... Because marijuana is on the borderline, right, between legal and illegal. Marijuana. Marijuana. And it's so kind of... Obviously, it's not okay now, but it's sort of on the...

What do you mean it's not okay? Well, it's not legal to have in the UK anyway. It's legal to own. It's okay to own enough if it's just for your own personal use. It's been decriminalised, having, you know, possession. A small amount of possession. But, I mean, it's on this funny old place where in 10 years it will probably be legal, right?

Because... I think it shouldn't be legal, legal you know i think it should be legal and and more so it should be compulsory right okay well i'm just saying because people say that i think that kids should be made to smoke weed well listen obviously as young as five if you have to in all first of all it the problem at the moment is that... Only if they're good, though. In a way, it's not... Only if they've done their homework. OK.

Well done. You've done your homework. Here's a spliff. Now smoke your spliff. Good boy. I think that's pretty reasonable, isn't it? It'd be a good incentive. You know, the grades will go up across the board. Is that what you want? For five-year-olds?

You know, we'll have five-year-olds getting GCSEs. I love how I'm trying to squeeze in some serious chat here to go round to... But no, so what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to say that marijuana's in this place, OK, at the moment where... Marijuana. If marijuana were legal, completely legal, in many ways, you know, we'd have better quality of it.

It would be less likely you'd be smoking like salvia or whatever by accident. The criminals who, you know, distribute it and sell it and stuff undercover, you know, would have less money effectively, you know, and also we'd be able to get taxed for it. There's a lot better. So what I'm saying is like when murder becomes in that same legal ground as marijuana is right now, it's decriminalised, but it's frowned upon.

I think it should... You probably... In order to actually generate some revenue, perhaps there should be, like, a fee for every person you kill and that acts as sort of like a murder tax. OK. I mean, it would still be illegal on you

know days of the week that aren't monday oh i see of course sorry so just you know murder mondays um yeah every person you you kill you probably have to pay i don't know like four pounds or something it's like getting a prescription. Right, oh, I see. It's subsidised by the government. So the government pays a hitman £10,000, but you only have to pay a small amount. No, they don't pay a hitman. You'd have to do it yourself.

You'd have to kill someone yourself. Well, you don't have to cook your own... You don't have to kill your own chickens in the supermarket. You don't have to grow your own weeds. You just buy it. I'm just saying that when marijuana becomes legal, the weeds will be amazing you know so instead of paying the government four pounds 85 say for a kill what

you would do is you pay slightly more perhaps seven pounds maybe for professional unless you're a student or a pensioner so if In which case you'd get a deduction. This is pretty good. Once a week I could probably afford to have a good dozen people killed, probably, if I cut back on a few things. Maybe it should be like Discworld, though, where when you pay your rates to the Assassin's Guild or whatever, you get protection and stuff.

I quite like that. I don't want to name names, there's certain people right uh in the office you should be careful i'm gonna go into the office on a monday wearing like a full suit of armor and it's gonna be empty oh no no it's gonna be like it's gonna be like a bloodbath it'll be like that the the paintball episodes of community you know they'll just be people getting knocked out. I'll probably have like a mech suit. It'll be like Titanfall. A mech suit.

I'll have like a giant sort of mech suit that I'll stomp around in on Mondays. Okay. Again, I think this has gone slightly further fetch than I expected. I'll probably just open fire on crowds now and again. Right, stop it. On Mondays. On Mondays. Just on Mondays. Just on Mondays.

Just on Mondays. No, none of the other days of the week because that would be insane. Purge Mondays. That would be a crime. That would be psychotic. That would just be just crazy. You can't just go around killing people

if it's not Monday. God. Flippin' heck. Town's a bit busy today. Oh, it's a Monday. You fuckers. bit busy today. Oh, it's a Monday. You fuckers. Have you ever dreamed about starting a business? Have you ever dreamed about starting a business, Simon? You know, I think there's a lot of money to be made in stealing money. So I think I would like to be... so you're going to open a bank a bank political

I like it this is great we're no longer under the comedy category on iTunes we're now under political because of that I am now 32 years old so now you're taking an interest in how the world works because of that. Well, we have got... I am now 32 years old, so...

So now you're taking an interest in how the world works. Yeah, that's right. And then in another 10 years, I'll be able to actually have my opinions listened to. You'll probably be in the House of Lords in maybe 10 years' time. Lord Lewis. Lord Lewis of Chipping...

Onger. Onger, that's it. I wanted to say Sodbury. Chipping Sodbury. That is a place. I know. It's a really nice name, isn't it? Yeah.

Sodbury. Chipping Sodbury. That's where the manor was, where Lord Wibblebutt... You would be Lord Sodbury. Lord Rushforth. Lord Sodbury. Yes. It would be The Lord Sodbury. Yes. And that.

It would be the Lord Sodbury, wouldn't it? The Lord Sodbury. Yes, that's right. Ladies and gentlemen, the Lord Sodbury. Yes. So have you ever dreamed about starting a business? Stealing money, you said. Yeah, yeah.

So, you know, maybe I'd be a lawyer. Oh! Oh! All right. Or maybe I would be a AAA game publisher. Oh! DLC! All right.

Stop burning these people. I think I would be a mobile web developer. So sorry. All right, next. Have you ever fantasised about changing your first name? So when you were a kid, did you want to change your name? Have you always been happy with Simon? Or did you think one day when you were a kid,

Simon, I can't believe Simon doesn't suit me at all. Simon's quite a nice name. There's not a lot of people called Simon. There's a few. So it's not an unusual name. No. But it's also not a common name. So I think it's a nice sort of middle ground for names.

It's a good place to be. People know how to spell it as well, which is quite important. And obviously Lewis can be spelled two different ways. Yeah. At least. That could get on my nerves, actually. Lewis can be spelled two different ways. Yeah. At least.

That could get on my nerves, actually. But it's not as bad as like those Irish ones where, you know, someone called like Oife and that's like pronounced as... Oife. As Gwen. Owen is an interesting one because there's literally like 18 ways to spell Owen. Oh, I don't...

Because it's a Gaelic name. That's a tough one. So there's like, you know, there's Irish and Welsh ways that all have variations. And Sean as well is a bad one. Oh, God. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Especially with the American one with a W in it.

So, holy crap. So Simon's a good... It's a good name, I think. It is a good name. There aren't really sort of, you know, embarrassing idiots called Simon, apart from myself. There's a few. So I feel sorry for other people called Simon. Yeah.

It sucks if you have a name that then somebody starts using, you know, and becomes very, very famous with that name. Like, you know, if you were called Brittany. But the thing is, like, this kind of happens, right? So the childhood names go in cycles, you know, and lots of kids are called the same thing. There's a lot of kids called Hodor now. Oh, my God.

It's amazing. What are you talking about, really? Yeah, because of Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones. Because of Game of Thrones. I knew there were a lot of Daeneryses. There's a lot of kids called Hodor, little boys called Hodor. They were called Khaleesi, weren't they?

A lot of girls called Khaleesi. Khaleesi. Yeah. So, I mean, the thing about naming your kid, this is what Sipsort told me, was that he doesn't want to tell anyone what he's naming his kid because they will steal it, okay? They'll think, oh, that's a nice name.

If our kid's born first, we'll steal it. Apparently, that happens quite a lot. So you have to kind of keep like quite stum. Because he was going to call his boy Dexter. And apparently like two or three people in, so this was about three years ago now. But yeah, apparently two or three boys in his son's class are called that. So they're really glad that they didn't go with that.

But yeah, what about you? Do you think there's any good names for kids? You're not going to have one anytime soon, I assume. Unless there's some big news coming. I wouldn't have thought. I mean, there's, you know, maybe there... What if I adopt a cat? Okay.

What if I was to adopt a cat? Yeah. A little stray cat. Right. And he's got a little injured paw. Oh, no. And he's got a little bandage on his paw. Oh, no. And he ain't got no home

and he ain't got no one who loves him and I've adopted him and I've got to name him I call him Hodor that's what they call a callback in the industry.

Well done. Oh, you've done well there. Holy crap. So are there any specific names on your radar? Because you're not going to get used to them in the next year. And by the time a year's gone round, everyone will have changed. But are there any names that are definitely not on the list? Joffrey.

Joffrey's not on the list, right. But did you ever, did you, because some names like people associate with someone bad from their life too, right? And so you don't want to call your son like, you know. Jimmy. Yeah. Probably best to avoid that.

So if you could custom blend a perfume or cologne, what would it include? I think it would probably... It's got to be quite a sort of subtle thing. Right. So I would probably have... First of all, the name's most important, but then I want to hear what you think should be in it.

Maybe you could come up with a couple, like a couple of different brands for for different types of people i like the idea of there being a fragrance that has a sort of citrusy fresh kind of smell but not lemon because that makes you think of like well it makes me think of like disinfectant right yeah lemon that sort of lemon fresh thing cleaning fluid yeah so if i you So if I eat things with lemon in or I smell lemon, I kind of think of cleaning products a bit, which isn't quite so nice. But maybe something more sort of orangey, a nice sort of orangey kind of fragrance. Kind of like a Fanta.

And also I really like chocolate, so maybe it should have a sort of cocoa butter sort of fragrance. So sort of chocolates and sort of orange combination fragrance. So you want to smell like a chocolate orange. Mm, mm. So you've come up with a very serious one. That's right, listeners. He didn't pick up on the fact that it was Jaffa Cakes.

Oh, well, do you know, though, I think that making something that smells good, like food, is probably not the way you want to go with perfume i think that everyone should wear a fragrance that is tailored specifically for what they like to smell and maybe what they alone like to smell and everyone likes the smell of their own farts right so perhaps we should all wear cologne or perfume that smells of our own farts like imagine you bring a lovely lady back to your your lovely apartment and you introduce her to the cats you know and you see her this is uh i hope they like the smell of cats and and this is kalisi and they

they love that you know they say hi and they're not interested in her or whatever and um anyway you start taking your clothes off. Things are getting a bit steamy upstairs. Bloody hell, I'm not that kind of guy. Fast forward to... Bloody hell. Fine, you've been going out for a couple of weeks. That's better.

A couple of weeks at least. You've seen each other a lot. You've agreed to, you know... Have intercourse. Have... Relations. You've signed all the forms. Yeah, the consent forms.

You've asked your mum for permission. The NDA has been signed by her. And she starts taking off your top and it's getting all hot and steamy. It's the consent forms. You've asked your mum for permission. The NDA has been signed by her. And she starts taking off your top, and it's getting all hot and steamy. It's the first time it's happened. But then she has a whiff of your cologne. And it smells of my own farts. Well, it either smells of your own farts

or it smells of Jaffa Cakes. Yeah. Either of which I think would be off-putting. I don't think I would ever date someone who didn't like the smell of Jaffa cakes. Well, no, but listen, she would love that smell, but that would make her hungry, and she'd get off the idea of intercourse.

She would want to eat me. No, she'd go down to the kitchen, get a big plate of Jaffas, and then she'd be all bloated afterwards and be like, oh, maybe I've got a headache. Oh, God. Do you know what I mean? I think it would sabotage your lovemaking.

Is there gluten in Jaffa Cakes? Because that could make her bloated. Or if she's diabetic and there's a lot of sugar in it, she could go into hyperglycemic coma. That's right. Not hypo, but hyper. Down Yeah. And then you come downstairs. Not hypo, but hyper. Downstairs.

And Hodor and Khaleesi are there just licking her face, trying to wake her up. But no, she's not waking up. She's in a hypochromic coma. She's dead! But fortunately. All because I wore a cone and smothered Jaffa Cakes. It's a Monday. Oh, my God.

And so you just have to pay £4.97. £85. £85. Yeah. Filling the form. The garbage truck will just come and pick her up. There's just a pair of legs sticking out of your recycling bin. Tuesday mornings they come.

Yeah, they come round. Really early, like 7 or something. Bring out your dead. Bring out your dead! If you could save one endangered species from extinction, but it would have to live in your house, which would you choose? You'd have to have one as a pet. I mean, just immediately coming to mind is there's a lot of endangered insects. Right. There's a lot of endangered insects. Right. There's a lot of, you know, like flies.

5,000 insects are going extinct every day kind of thing. Yeah, I mean, there's lots of flies and beetles and spiders that are going extinct. And I think that's a good thing. So it wouldn't be one of those. There are some animals that we just, I don't think we need. If there's a kind of pig that might be going extinct.

Right. What about tapirs? Are they endangered? Because they're adorable things. A tapir. With their weird noses. I think they... I think... Do you know what? I don't think they're going... I don't think they're endangered. What about axolotls? Axolotls? What, like a little

lizard-y, cute... Like a Pokemon. They're like little Pokemons, aren't they? Axolotl, let's have a look. Are they endangered? Yeah, they're critically endangered, axolotls. Oh, yeah, I'd have a house full of those. I think they have to live underwater.

I'll get some, like, masking tape, and I'll tape up, like, the bottom of the doors and you know the sides and i'll do the same with like the windows so there's no like cracks oh god and then i would just put the taps on right and i would like shove toilet paper in the like plug holes right and i turn all the taps on and i would like flood the sort of ground floor of the house okay and then i would release the axolotls from there. I imagine they're in little bags like I've worn them at the fair. Yeah, like goldfish.

And I just release them. And they die because there's this really awful environment for them to live in. There's just cold water with no food and they would just die. Okay. And I would have killed the last axolotls. It's fine. They'll be fine. Thank you for looking after them. They'll get into your pond.

What do they eat? I'm just looking at the Wikipedia page. They eat spiders, so it'd just be amazing. Okay. Habitat and ecology. They like it at about above 20 degrees C. Oh, no, below 20 degrees C.

Below? Below 20 degrees C. That's all right. Yeah, that's good. That's fine. Oh, God, that would save me a fortune. I don't want to heat up all that fucking water to 20 degrees. They eat a variety of readily available foods. Trout and salmon pellets, frozen and live bloodworms,

earthworms. Bloodworms? Yeah, bloodworms are pretty common. Isn't that like a Klingon delicacy? Gach. So they eat gach. They eat gach. Okay.

You can just freeze them. And yeah, they'll just swallow those down. Oh my gosh. Delicious. Sweet. Well, thanks for saving the axolotls, dude. That's very kind of you. You're welcome, man.

Sweet. Well, thanks for saving the axolotls, dude. That's very kind of you. You're welcome, man. So if you wrote romance fiction novels or erotic fiction, what would your pen name be? And also what kind of romance? Can you give me sort of a story, a romantic story? My be, um, Dolores Van Tittenheimer. Okay,

that's a good name. Um. Oh, it's good. You can see that on the, on the front of the cover of the book, Van Tittenheimer. Yeah, I would, I would, like, um. I would, oh yeah. Oh, I'd go to Model Mayhem, and I would, like, find a pretty girl, and i would pay her to use her like headshot okay as the author's portrait so what a brunette with lots of red lipstick a redhead a redhead with lots of uh broomsticks broomsticks um no a red a busty redheadedheaded lady. Okay. And that would be Dolores. Dolores. Van Tittenheimer. Titten.

Titten. What? Yeah. And I would, yeah, I mean, I would write very niche eroticisms. Tell me about how niche it would be. I think there would be a lot of porn involving axolotls. Oh, no. So it would be about a boy.

Have they got genders? Axolotls? Yeah, I think so. They lay eggs. I know that much. They might change gender. They might be. I mean, that would spice things up.

That would really confuse the the erotic fiction I don't think I mean I don't think the axolotls would be confused themselves I don't think they would

care too much no I mean it doesn't have to be focused on they would get down and dirty axolotl love and then the woman

axolotl would like squirt out a load of eggs and then the other axolotl would like squirt out a load of eggs and then the other axolotl would squirt out a load of eggs on top of the eggs and they'd be like oh shit oh i thought you were gonna like oh no i'm a girl oh i'm a girl too oh i didn't realize i was a lesbian i didn't know either oh oh my, I'm interested in this story now. So then what happens? And then, well, one of them is so shocked that she just turns into a boy. Oh, okay.

And then the other one does too. Oh, no! And then they're gay! And then they just cum all over each other. And the eggs. And that's, yeah. And they have a load of babies. And then they, yeah.

A thousand babies. A thousand axolotl are spawned. And they eat all of the blood worms. Your name is Hodor. Your name is Khaleesi. Your name is Tyrion. They would run out of names pretty quick. Mummy, I think I'm a girl.

Shut up, Hodor. You'll find out when you're older. You'll find out when you're older Okay, here's Well, I think you know this one What is your spirit animal? Oh So there's two options here One is obviously like the whole animal that secretly

That no one can see Okay, that's like your demon My Patronus It's like an invisible Is it Patronus? Well, your Patronus Patronus Oh,. It's like an invisible... Is it patronus? Well, your patronus, I suppose. Patronus. Or patronus, who knows?

I'm not sure how it's pronounced. No, but I like the way you pronounced it. It sounds patronising. Or is it patronising? I don't know. See, that can be pronounced either way. We'll find out when people write in. We'll have to schedule or schedule.

If you had an invisible animal that followed you around first of all you wouldn't know what it was right what would you think yours okay first of all let's do it to each other so i think you're what are you asking again because this isn't making any sense this is babble if you if there was an invisible animal that like was tied to your soul okay oh my god and it followed you around a little bit like a demon in um philip pullman's dark materials dark materials so everyone has an invisible animal like tied to them that they can't see yeah and it depends on like their character and they don't know what their animal is until they find out when they're a certain year or age or something

i don't know when they like i think it would be... I think mine would be a seagull. Okay. Yeah. You're thinking yours would be a seagull. I think it would be a seagull. You know, the kind that eats other dead seagulls or vomit or steals chips out of people's hands. Now, I think what...

This is a little bit like one of those things where sometimes you see people who look like their pets, right? And I have to think what you look like because i don't think you look like a seagull i don't think it doesn't strike me as a big fat hairy orangutan that's scratching his own balls and then sniffing his hand that no i don't think you're that either i think you're i think you're much fred mom you can animate that bit i think you're much... Fred, Mum, you can animate that bit. You're quick. Fat, hairy. I think you're probably like a kind of badger. A badger?

Yeah, like a kind of... Like a ginger head. Scratching his own balls and then sniffing his claws. You're quite solitary, you know, but you have like... You're vicious when you want to be, but you're like... Oh, my God. You're moody. You're a moody, vicious, solitary bad have, like, you're not, you're vicious when you want to be, but you're, like, you're moody. You're a moody, vicious, solitary badger. Yeah, yeah.

Sometimes you get hit by cars and you just lie there in the middle of the road. No, but badgers are great animals. They look after their families. That's why they're great. They spread tuberculosis. Do they? Yeah. So they're culled. Well, koalas spread the old chlamydia, don Do they? Yeah. So they're culled.

Well, koalas spread the old chlamydia, don't they? Yeah. All koalas have chlamydia. They can't. I mean, they can't help it. No. It's just, yeah. Also, koalas have human fingerprints, don't they?

I found out that they fingerprinted some koalas, and it turned out that one of them had done a bank job in America. I'm not sure if that's true. That might be boocks he might i like the idea of that i like it so what do you think my my spirit animal would be your spirit animal um i think it would be a certain famous animal okay that like a celebrity a celebrity animal perhaps it would be a cat that is known for having a particular sort of mood you know kind of a grumpy

sort of looking one I think you would be you would be Tardisauce oh Tardisauce the grumpy cat how's he doing? Is his career still going well? What? Yeah. What happened? He got eaten by a seagull. Oh, no. Yeah. That's really sad. Well, there you go. He had a good run. It's the circle of life. It is. He had a good

run. You know, he made his owners a lot of money. Yeah. And that's the important thing, really, isn't it? OK. We all had a good laugh looking at his miserable face. Actually, it's a girl. Is it? A misgendered, grumpy cat. What was your worst haircut slash hairstyle of all time?

I don't really have good haircuts generally. You struggle. I struggle. I've got like three crowns and I'm losing a bit of hair now. So it's hard to do anything with it that doesn't look awful. I mean, some people like Hulk have struggled in exactly the same way. I'm a real American. That's his music. Is it?

Yeah. Well, shit, shit. So some people really, they just own it, though, you know? They don't give a shit. Like, do you remember Bobby Charlton with the comb over? I think I would, if I could have the hair, I believe this is what you asked me. If I could have anyone's haircut... That's right.

I think I would have X Factor, Sex Factor Jedwood's hair. Right. Which one of them? That's a tough question. Well, I mean, they're identical twins, and they always have the same hair. So I don't think it matters. I mean, I could have the same hair as Edward or Jed.

What's the other one called? Jason. Jeremy. John. John and Edward. That sounds more correct. Yeah. Yeah.

Great. I love it. They've changed their hair lately, and they look a lot like Justin Bieber's new haircut. Really? So what I'm saying is I want to look like Justin Bieber. Okay, I think we can Photoshop that. With the tattoos and the tight pants.

What is in your pocket or man purse right now? Do you have a man purse on you? Well, I've emptied... I've sat down to record, so I tend to empty my pockets a bit. OK. Right now, I've got a Ventolin inhaler. Oh, right. In my right pocket. In my left pocket, I've got tissues.

OK. And... What's this? Oh, I've got an elderflower-flavoured sweet. An elderflower-flavoured sweet. Just loose in your pocket. Yeah, it's got fluff all over it. I had to throw that out.

It came out of the packet. Oh, right. Elderflower. I like them. They're nice. They're sugar-free. They're called Ricola sweets. Elderflower.

What are these things? They don't pay us. You don't see very much of them in other countries. They're a bit difficult to get hold of. I think they might have them in Germany or Switzerland and the UK and nowhere else. I do love elderflower, actually. It's a great flavour.

Holy crap. They were some incredible questions. Thank you very much, Simon. I hope you liked the format. What did you think? I think, I mean, you said those were incredible questions. Thank you very much, Simon. I hope you liked the format. What did you think? I think, I mean, you said those were incredible questions. You're the one that came up with them. You didn't say those are incredible answers that I gave.

Would you like to say that again? Yeah, sure. And this time compliment me. Oh, Simon, that was fantastic. Holy crap. Thank you, everyone, for listening. Those were some incredible answers. Thank you.

You did a great job there. That's better. That's better. And by extension, they were also good questions. If you like that format, we could do it again. Or I'm going to experiment with a new format next time. Maybe we'll do something slightly different. We like to keep things fresh.

We like to mix things up a bit. That's right. Yeah, that's why we've been doing Minecraft videos for five years. Well, absolutely. Holy crap. So anyway, we'll see you all next time. Thank you for listening. Goodbye. See you later, shit lords. Bye!