Triforce! - YoGPoD 48: Livestream Special!

Episode Date: December 6, 2015

Simon and I record the podcast live during our December Charity Livestreams, featuring special guest Smith for a game of Wine or Cheese!   Production Music Courtesy of Epidemic Sound Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello and welcome back to the Yogpod. Very special edition, live on the first night of the christmas live streams uh your self-cruised charity live streams 2015 simon hello how are you doing i'm good i'm good we're doing it we're doing it live it's very special i don't know which episode number it is um because we did record a christmasy podcast you've you've messed up the numbering system entirely you came up with your own sort i'd like this to be number four oh my god what would you what do you think it's probably four of the new series yeah but three hasn't happened gone out yet so this will be can't we

just say this is the 400th episode that sounds better 400 yeah and then when people say oh you've got a podcast and say yeah i've done 400 episodes of it. Do we have to start over the numbering system from 400? All right. Yeah. So next one is going to be 401? No, it'll be 400 again. I mean, you're the archaic numbering...

Oh, right, again. No, go backwards to 399 until we reach... Until we reach... We don't normally have this happening. This is a late podcast. It's in the evening. All the white boys have got out on their scooters and they're zooming around town.

People might not have been able to hear that, that scooter outside revving its engine. I don't think it was a scooter. What was it? I think it was a motorcycle. I don't think it was a motorcycle, Simon. I think it was a scooter. So today, I thought we could go through.

I prepped some stuff. Oh, God. Because we've had a little bit of a different format in the YoggPod lately. Obviously, we are obviously live on the internet, so we could take questions from people, but I think we'll just pretend that they're not there and just share this joy. All right, the first question that someone asks, we'll answer.

Okay, you do that. But alternatively, the other thing I've got is I've got a load of stuff from Reddit, from Ask Reddit. Now, a classic thing, you keep looking out for a question on the stream, but I will... They're still talking about scooters. Okay. That's our mind. It's fine. They'll catch up in no time.

They're saying scooter. Vroom, vroom. All right. It's nice having this interaction With our fans Pay attention So I remember one time I was driving back from somewhere

We'd gone somewhere Maybe it was Warwick Davis' house And we were driving back In my Alfa Romeo Which I don't have anymore It was my uncle's old Alfa Romeo. And he had it for like 12 years. He passed it on to me.

He gave it to me, sold it to me at a bargain price. And when your uncle does a favour to you like that, he's always expecting some sort of... It's like the godfather, isn't it? It is a little bit. It's like, I gave you that Alfa Romeo. Now you must look after my children when I die. Kind of thing. You come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding. now you must look after my children when I die kind of thing.

You come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding. You ask me a favour. I say, you just got to take this car off my hands. So he gave you An Alfa Romeo Yeah An Alfa Romeo Romeo

It's Italian Not Romeo It's Italian It just does fit With the whole Godfather thing actually Yeah So he gave you

An Italian car Yeah For a piece of pizza pie And he was always Kind of A little bit Protective of it Like whenever he saw me

With it Or saw me After it or saw me exactly it was like oh is this the gay one that makes model airplanes no no no no no no no this is my real my he's still doing all right he's a financial advisor now oh yeah he's doing well for himself got a big house he's a nice man very nice man i like him a lot okay uh uh but yeah i don't see him very often no i need to go to canada really and see him because i haven't seen for ages is that where he is yeah he went back to canada oh geez yeah he's he's had an interesting life we could talk about him but no let's talk about uh no so when i was

driving back from the long-winded anecdote driving back from my uh from seeing warwick davis that one time and it was really late because we'd stayed there filming because Warwick was like fucking that guy Kubrick he was like Stanley Kubrick every single shot in Dwarves Assemble

had to be perfect he was he would take these shots again and again and again and you know it's completely the opposite of what we're used to and for everyone who's watched

Dwarves Assemble you can see the layers of quality that have gone into that production. It was something, wasn't it? Filming that. Because we were so used to just doing one take, everything.

Because we're so good. Even on the Christmas songs and stuff. Christmas songs are the things we do the most takes on. It's like, alright, that one will do. We don't know what that one will do. We've done that one. stuff most christmas songs are things we do the most takes on and normally it's like oh all right that one will do you know it's like yeah we don't know what i will do we've done that one and it's oh so anyway it was really late wasn't it by the time we drove back and i was fucking knackered for

some reason not very well and like falling asleep yeah and you were really worried that i was going to just drive off like full drive off the road yeah we've done this before you driving back late it's happened a few times you drove back late from bristol to reading that time there was a time yeah when we started out was that when the car broke down and they had to go in the garage the car broke down on the way to reading didn't it well the wheel went didn't it the wheels were the wheel burst i was pretty calm I think it was a freezing

ass fucking day wasn't it we were stuck on the hard shoulder it was windy and we weren't sure whether to stay in the car

on the hard shoulder and risk getting hit yeah you're not supposed to stay in the car or freeze our fucking asses off outside for like

an hour that's what you're supposed to do you're supposed to get out of the car and stand like in the sort of verge

not sit in the car I think that's what we did supposed to do. You're supposed to get out of the car and stand like in the sort of verge. Yeah. Not sit in the car. I think that's what we did. Because there is always a danger that, you know, a lorry will just smash into the back of the car. And I rang the number. And especially if you've taken your seatbelt off, then you fly through the window and you're dead. My uncle would give me his, like, MOT, like AA, whatever. Oh right, okay. It wasn't AA

it was green flag it was a weird one it was like Lucky Clover or some shit Lucky Clover so I rang them up and they fucking

contracted some hello my car's broken down the wheel fell off can you help me yeah I'm somewhere between Bristol and Reading

that's right I didn't know where I was either I don't think I had it it wasn't like I had Apple Maps and I could tell where I was can you bring a therm think i had it it wasn't like i had apple maps and i could tell where i was can you bring a thermos maybe i did have apple maps i don't know maybe we know exactly where we were anyway they've they've contracted some local scrapyard signal i remember

we think i couldn't get a signal i don't think we had to walk down the road to like one of those no um telephones that are just like randomly like emergency telephones no when was the last time you picked up a telephone there was a thing right on i saw on reddit um where a dad had made two lego a lego phone for his kid to use yeah okay and he was it was like a really good rounded red yellow like an old Baker Lake phone because his kid wanted a phone and the kid actually just picked up

a white flat rectangle and just used that as the phone because that's what kids now think phones are they have white

flat rectangles they think they're like this and this is a phone that's a phone exactly no one thinks a phone is like one of these things so

I don't think I remember the last time I used a phone like that we're not going to be arrested, relax. So what was the story? So that time it was late and it was dark and we were driving back. It was very belaboured.

You had to keep me awake, okay? And the way you kept me awake was by reading out random shit that dumbasses had posted on Reddit. Oh god, yeah. Like these Ask Reddit threads. So it's an Ask Reddit thread. You're placed in a room with 100 random people.

There is a £1 million grand prize if you can do a single thing better than every person there. What is your talent? A million people? Yeah. What, in one room? Yeah. I mean, how big is this?

No, it's 100 people. It's a million grand. Listen! It's a million people in a room. Sorry, there's a million people in a room there's a million people around so it's a lot of effort to go to to try and beat a million so a hundred people in a room and there's a million pound grand prize if you can do a single thing better than every person there what is your talent fart maybe what you think your talent is farting better than probably fart better than 100 people all right sips is there when they're in with you oh shit

i mean you've lost that that's out the window isn't it any other ideas so vegetarians always beat you weren't they um so i mean the classic thing is uh hundred truly random people. What about do nothing? Well, okay. If I could just sit there and do nothing. Okay. Better than everyone else. Well, this is the top.

Because other people will be like reading books or just, you know, looking around, whistling. It's like everyone showing off their talents. Like some guy's got really stretchy ears or stretchy nostrils or whatever and he like stretches them out the next guy's like I can get my elbow

like up my arse and he does that right and the next guy is like I can juggle 16 uh turnips cabbages

carrots all sorts of veg better than anyone else and he does that yeah great and you go through okay so what

everyone wins a million. Yeah. If they can do something better than everyone else, they win a million. Yeah. So if all 100 people can find something that they can do better. Than 100 other people. So that's 100 million.

What TV show is this? It's not a TV show. It's a made up. Is it Simon Cowell? Sure. Because 100 million pounds. I mean, they can't. What TV show is this? It's not a TV show It's a made up Is it Simon Cowell? Sure Because that 100 million pounds I mean they can't

Is that just one episode? Because holy shit That's a very expensive TV show Relax So anyway You're all going to say If they have 25 episodes In a season

A year Right That's A lot of money Don't think about Don't gonna don't think about the 2.5 billion just they're not gonna do this show you can send someone into space for cheaper than that what can you do better than 100 random people and you're and what could you do better than 100 random people i don't know i'm not sure i really have much in the way of talent i know it's tough isn't it but you like the idea of staying completely silent.

Because that's what someone suggested here. I'd stay completely silent until the other 99 people had all said something and then claim my £1 million prize as the quiet game room champion. That's what I would do. I would do a smart-ass thing like that. Being quiet. Play the meta game. What if some other guy was being super quiet as well?

I'd walk up to him and punch him in the face. And I'd say, look, I can punch someone in the face better than everyone else. But then someone might punch you in the face and that might be a better punch. But it's just me and him left. That's true. No, no, no. So that guy would have to punch me in the face. No, no, no.

It's not an elimination. You have to be quiet better than the other 99 people. But if they're all doing stuff. No, but it doesn't matter. They still have to be quiet better than the other 99 people. But if they're all doing stuff... No, but it doesn't matter. They still have to... So all 100 of us have to do 100 activities? Yes, that are better than the other... Jesus Christ!

I know, but it's confusing. I didn't expect it to be this confusing. So I have to try and juggle? I have to try and put my elbow up my ass? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you can't do it, then they win the prize, you see. So if I can win more than a million,

if I can beat 100 people at, say, 14 different things, then I win $14 million. All 100 people are going to get a fucking task. Everyone's going to come up with a task. You're going to compete, like the Olympics,

and then someone is going to win a million for winning that event okay okay and so it's the elbow up the ass game there's the there's a fucking juggling someone will be playing like a parkour thing in minecraft you don't stand a chance about that yeah Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Someone, you know, maybe you play like a Nishi sport, like darts. You know, how many of a random group of 100 people? What's the chance you're going to get against someone? Well, no, but you don't have to be. You just have to be better than 100 random people.

Like a lot of people have never heard of darts. Look, 100 random people in the world. Are they random from the world? If we take 100 random people in the world, half of them are going to be from China and India. That's a good't play darts okay point they'll be like what is this and they'll they won't know how to do it that was not racist no how is that not right that wasn't racist that was just a stereotype okay so it's just totally different doing a stereotype of a race is completely different from race. Oh, my God. It's fine.

I'm friends with so many Indian people. I am too. I'm going out with an Indian lady. Are you? I've dated an Indian. No, I'm not. But I have done. And it's fine.

Good. Shall we move on from that challenge? Sure. Okay, good. I saw what the the question was people were asking wine or cheese oh yeah wine or cheese oh well okay fine have you never heard of wine or cheese no what is that uh well i could get smithy in for a very special wine or cheese oh no what is this all right give me a second give me one second i don't know where he is he's in here hang

on oh we're doing a live podcast aren't we. Hang on. Oh, we're doing a live podcast, aren't we? Smith. We're supposed to be doing a live podcast and Lewis has left the building. He's gone. He's literally like, no, Smith is literally like two, he's like two, he's like behind this wall in the studio. Right, have a seat here. Okay, you're alive. Don't worry about it.

Simon. Hello. You have to ask Simon wine or cheese. Oh cheese i have to do this the whole thing yeah okay oh god i don't know what this is this is weird all right so uh simon are you gonna give me a chinese burn if i get it wrong no nothing's nothing we'll see uh please why not cheese choose one i i definitely prefer cheese so you've chosen cheese what does that mean you find yourself alone in the forest oh god you have two large wheels of cheese what sort of cheese is it um they can be different yeah i would say i would have a a truckle i believe the term

okay of uh cheddar okay mature cheddar yeah and perhaps I'd have oh god let's think a gouda a gouda so you've got two quite nutty this one's got a bit hard on the outside

just FYI so you're standing in this forest is it an enchanted forest? it's not enchanted, no it're looking enchanted forest it's not enchanted no it's just a normal it's a forest of dean oh it's just up the road oh god yeah i know they angst buggers like me around there yeah they do they they don't like you at all actually and you you look behind you and there is an angry mob forming they're about half a mile down the road though um down what there's a road in the yeah there's like a path it's like a path it's a scenic

tour thing all right okay and i can see half a mile away half a mile away so it's a very straight you're on a hill it's very it's roman it's roman the path roman yeah um and uh right so you've got two two paths you could go off one of them says to the lake the other one says to the picnic area which way do you go they're coming the picnic area you're going to the picnic area with my cheese so you go to the picnic area with my cheese so you go to the picnic area with your cheese it's night time by the way

oh it's sort of you know so it's quite dark how can I see where I'm going it's a balmy night yeah you've got how am I carrying two truckles of cheese

and a torch the torch is wedged into a like sort of hook system on your back it's a blaze though it's a flaming torch wow okay it looks quite spectacular

so you get to the picnic area so they can all see me yeah they can see you you're lit up like a bloody christmas tree yeah um you get to the picnic area and there are those barbecues you know those like sort of barbecue areas yeah yeah yeah right and you find a a barbecue like a foil one right oh yeah yeah when it's disposable yeah and it's still got a bit it left in it what would you like to do i'd like to put some cheese on there put some cheese on the on the sort of still warm barbecue yeah and it starts to drip through the grate oh that's nice yeah right okay can i like get a bit of it and on my finger yeah you can yeah yeah right so you do

that yeah but it's really hot and actually it burns your tongue in your mouth quite badly it's like napalm it's starting to swell you can't get it off yeah you can't and your mouth's actually fused shut from um the cheese yeah yeah but you realize the villagers are like 100 meters away now they're coming they go there there he is go after me did i steal the cheese you've done something terrible oh god i killed a girl yeah an eight-year-old girl accidentally i killed her yeah i ran her over. Yeah, you did. You hit her with your car. Your steamroller. You did. Well, she's a steamroller.

Your car's a steamroller. She was a little crippled girl. She was. And they've got her. They're holding her body above the mold. Oh, God. They're carrying her. Yeah, like a vestige or a, what are they called, Guy Fawkes?

And they're shouting, justice, justice. They are. They are. Get that cheese swing. Justice for Jenna. That's what they're saying, because that's her name. Jenna, spelled G-E-N-N-A, yeah? Yeah, yeah.

They're fathers for justice. Yeah, they're fathers for justice. One of them's just like Batman. They're coming for me. Right, and they see you've eaten this cheese, and they're chasing it. What do you do? You run?

You take the barbecue? What do you do? I stand my ground. You stand your ground law. Yes. Right? There's a law. That's right.

So you pull out a large.44 revolver. Right. Yes. It's cocked. It's cocked. Yeah. That's right. The revolver's cocked. That's what I said. You've got six bullets. There's about 20 people. Yeah. What are you going to do? Shoot the cheese. You're going to shoot the cheese. I'm going to put more holes in the gouda. So you pick up the cheese and you say

this gouda's got several holes in it already but I'll put a few more in. Don't step any closer. And they stop. They all stop. Apart from one really ballsy old woman. And she's still coming. What do you do?

I put a bullet in her fucking head. You take that bitch down. She goes down like a sack of shit. You pull the trigger. The round pierces through the night, you know, and she goes down. And they're all horrified. Not only have you now crushed a young girl. all right you say who's next yeah right and then one of the guys shits himself you can smell it the wind's actually blowing towards you oh god okay but then you look

you look to the side there's a sort of slight crest to the side of the group right and on that crest is a large bear oh i mean a big bastard he's a grizzly all right and he looks like he hasn't spotted you yet but he spotted the old lady's slumped body on the ground right god comes in he's gonna eat just starts eating her chows down oh god all right now he's he's he is you know what would be nice with that bit of cheese bit of cheese do you want to offer the bear some cheese? I'll offer the bear some cheese. So you walk over. Yeah.

I want to try and bond with the bear. All right, so what would you like to do? So you're crouched down offering the cheese. Like in the movie Grizzly Man by Werner Herzog. I haven't seen it. Spoiler, the guy dies. Oh, oh. Spoiler.

Oh, my God. All right, so you offer the bear the cheese. Yeah. And he looks up, sniffs around a bit. Oh, oh. Spoiler. Oh, my God. All right, so you offer the bear the cheese. Yeah. And he looks up, sniffs around a bit. His face is covered in gore and viscera from the grandma that's died by your hand. Is he ready for the cheese now? He'd like some cheese.

You can see it in his eyes. I can see it in his smile. Yeah. You can see it in his eyes. Can I offer him a glass of port or something? Have you got port with you? I think I might have. All right. Yeah.

He takes, you get the bottle of port out and he sort of shuffles back a bit. He doesn't like the port. He's scared of it. Okay. He says he swore off fortified wine. I've got some Dr. Pepper. He'd like the Dr. Pepper. Okay.

It's almost the same thing, isn't it? It's like a flatter push. I've never heard that comparison made before. Yeah, yeah. All right. So, yeah. So the bear drinks it down yeah all right but what you haven't realized i took my eyes off the group the group have come for you i took my eyes off and they look like they're setting up a lynching spot it looks like a real good lynching spot i get behind the bear yep i've got a gun i've got two truckles of cheese i've got a bear yeah i think the odds are in my favor i think okay i've got two truckles of cheese. I've got a bear. I think the odds are in my favour.

I've got a dead old woman. Half eaten. I hold up her head in my hand. And I put my other arm around the bear. And they see this. And you know what? They fancy their chances. They pull out boards with one nail to the the end of it they've all got that yeah

yeah all of them straight it's like they ripped apart a cabin they are from the forest of dean like that's goster area strange people up there yeah um they've probably all got knives yeah so they come at you yeah the bear lurches into action all right immediately tears a 13 year old boy's hand off oh great immediately goes he's screaming his parents are just like one of them just puts the kid out of his misery with one of their nail boards oh my god he's only lost a hat they're not doctors they're not trained doctors they have they have no idea that this kid is actually it's actually fine so the kid forest people yeah they don't understand but the the all the gore and the melee draws more animals in

oh and some particularly unfriendly badgers come in you don't see them coming they come up and grab you from behind oh no i believe the kids call it chicken dipper you where they rip your balls off from behind you all right so you're oh my god you've been castrated okay you've been chicken dippered by a badger oh all right been chicken-dipped by a badger. Oh, fuck. I should have picked wine. I should have picked wine. The blood is pissing out. You've got moments left.

It's too late now. You've got five bullets left in the chamber, right? And you've got moments to live. What do you do? I take down as many people as I can. So you level your 44. I go for the old women first. What about the ones

That look like They've got the most To live for Oh I'll look for the Happiest people Okay The people who look like

They're having a good time There were some people At the picnic area Who weren't even With these guys Fuck it I'll take them It's like a family

Picnicking in the middle Of a fucking night What were they thinking They were doggers They were asking for it Pretty much Alright you put the Remaining five rounds in your revolver.

They sail through the night and take down, expertly, I may add, four very happy people and the family dog. Yeah. I put two in the dog. You reload and put another in the dog. As you drop to your knees, leaning back, you hear the melee of a bear fighting 15 people with nails in the board.

The bear wins, by the way, just FYI. The bear kills all of them. Is that the last thing I see, my friend bear? No, the last thing you see is just this badger looking over you and just nodding. And he's just like, yes. And then the other one just takes the cheese and fucks off. Sorry.

I love cheese. That's why they, that's something else for a track. Yeah, but thanks for playing. You did pretty well. Your body count was exceptionally high. How many points did they get? It was pretty high. At least 12. Yeah, maybe even 16.

How often do people, you know, what kind of score do people usually get? Anywhere from 7.5 through 14.4. So I'm sort of, you know, the upper half. Oh, yeah, you're top tier. Some people get four or five stars. I mean, sometimes you get a B.

It's a complicated and somewhat illogical scoring system. It's scoring that's more from the heart than from the brain. Yeah. Much like the game in all. A 2-2. A 2-2. A 2-2. A Desmond.

Yeah. Nice. I'll give you a 2-2. That 2-2. A Desmond. Yeah, nice. I'll give you the 2-2. That's good. Thank you very much. No problem. Thanks for playing. I'll give you this back. Thank you.

What happened to your arm, by the way? Look at that. I fucking burned it on a light. Oh, that's a really sad way to... I wasn't going to mention it. I saw it and I thought, I won't mention it. I thought you were... Because that would be rude.

I thought you were going to say I was shot. No, it looks worse than it is because I put iodine on it. Oh, that's why. Yeah, it's gruesome. I think it's this thing here. Yeah, I was trying to save a butterfly from behind my bed and I reached around and there was a bear lamp and I'd burn it. You were trying to save a butterfly?

Yeah. A bear lamp? The least macho thing I've ever heard in my life. A lamp in the shape of a bear? Yeah. What was attacking a butterfly? No, it wasn't the butterfly. It was just in the house

for some reason did it smell some cheese or something in there that's going to attract them wow that was amazing

that was a good suggestion thank you very much for being part of the yogpod and also this is the live yogpod as part of the

yogpod 2015 jingle jam it'll be on iTunes you can check it out god I'm famous yeah not many people get invited to the part of the Yogpod 2015 jingle jam it'll be on iTunes you can check it out god I'm famous yeah not many people get invited

to the podcast for the Yogpod how did you like it it was excellent hat chat is higher than we are

top five is it yeah oh snap we need to change that this is why we got him on yeah improve it

yeah up the ante so yeah up the arse feed up your auntie's ass yeah well i guess we'll see uh we'll see you guys on friday i think we're here on friday

yes you're doing a musical extravaganza yeah oh god i'm excited for it we're doing a song as well but you're doing so the idea for your stream, do people know about this? I'm not sure. Is that you're going to be making songs, right? Yeah. So you're going to be making a Christmas song.

Maybe more than one. More than one with the help of the audience. Yeah. And you're going to show them the whole process, right? Yeah. The whole recording,

editing, mixing, mastering, uploading it to Spotify and all that crap. Yeah. And they could take part in all of that. That sounds amazing. And you're going to do it

all in three hours. And are they going to make, like make like are you gonna make the little album art and stuff as well like 600 by 600 pixels square yeah shit oh my god they've got more than three hours you've got the whole night so you've got six hours oh seven hours is that right i think so you can do like eight songs in that time well i don't know it took me about that to write out one of them, and that's not done yet. So, yeah. We've got one song. I'm excited about it, Smith.

I can tell. But, yeah, we have to record it first. So there's no promises on whether it's actually going to arrive in time or not. Shit. The internet loves promises. It does. Holy crap. Well, thank you, Smith.

All right. Ta very much. Off you go. Thanks for the cameo. Oh, holy crap. That was a good guess Smith. All right. Ta very much. Off you go. Thanks for the cameo. See you later. Oh, holy crap. That was a good guess, wasn't it? That was good.

He's probably the best guess we've had on him. He was very funny and very attractive as well. What? Very nice man. Just those lovely lips and that muscly arms. Oh, just got me balls tingling. That's all. Oh, my God.

It's a thing that happens. Oh. Yeah. It mostly happens when there's a traitor around, though. Okay. You know. your balls tingling that's all oh my god it's the thing that happens oh yeah i guess it mostly happens when there's a traitor around though you know okay you know and ctt oh oh that was good oh my goodness so oh um wine or cheese now you know now you know now i know what it is um it was good i guess you can actually continue to answer questions directly live off the stream if you want, if you want any more. If you see a good one, drop in.

But otherwise, I'll continue with this one. So this is a good Ask Reddit. Again, citation needed on all these. I don't know where they came from. I haven't got links to them. But there was a Ask Reddit thing that said, what has an annoyingly misleading name? Okay. Right.

And the best one, I think, is the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea. Okay. Because it's not democratic. It's not a republic. Well, actually, it is a republic. But it's not the people's. Certainly. It's not very...

And it is north. It's not very nice, is it? It is the Korean Peninsula. Can you think of any that are... So it's about half right. It's not very nice, is it? It is the Korean Peninsula. Can you think of any that are... So it's about half right. It's about half accurate. That's not too bad. It's quite annoyingly misleading, though, isn't it?

Well, it's like, what, 60% accurate. It's all right. Well, I mean, if you count the of as one of the... Oh, if we count that as well, then that's even more. Then that's two thirds. So it's, you know, 66.66 recurring. Okay. Well, the other options,

the other ones down here was a ringworm. Right? Because ringworms actually... It's not a worm. It's not a worm. It's a fungus. That's a bit misleading. But it is kind of a ring shape under the skin. Yeah. I wonder why that happens. I don't really want to know, actually. It's half right. Again. I wonder why that happens. I don't really want to know, actually. It's half right.

Again. Fun size candy bars. Because they're so small. The smallness is supposed to be fun. It's like we have celebrations and miniature heroes. Those kind of things. Mini chocolate bars that are like tiny things. And they're lovely. Exactly.

They're lovely, aren't they? They are nice. They are fun. Do you think they're fun? things and they're lovely exactly they're lovely aren't they they are fun do you think they're fun I think they're fun well you think fun sized candy bars are not misleading I thought fun would be big I know a lot more fun with a big one yeah but it's a different kind of fun

everyone has more fun with a big one oh my god they are fun fuck you says Clumboly give me a break Clumboly. Jesus. Nice. Give me a break, Clumboly. Take it easy.

All caps. Okay, next. Fan him. Inflammable. Yeah. Inflammable means the same thing as flammable. Yeah. What a confusion.

But how do you... So what's the opposite of inflammable or flammable then? Unflammable. Unflammable. Non or flammable then? Unflammable. Unflammable. Non-flammable. Non-flammable. Okay, that does make sense. Also, Greenland.

Wasn't it named that to sort of encourage people to settle there? Was it? To stake a claim, because it's owned by Denmark. Right. So the idea was to sort of encourage settlers from Denmark to go there. They called it Greenland. It's like calling somewhere Gold Hills. It's like Iceland should be called Greenland.

Right. Even though it's not really green, it's more volcanic. Why should Iceland be called Greenland? Because then Greenland gets to be called Iceland, and that's more accurate. Oh, I see. You could swap them around. I think that's how it works. Right. So you'd have to swap.

So we could be called the United States of America. Right. And they would have to be called the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Where would Northern Ireland be in that situation? Canada. No, no. It would be Alaska, wouldn't it? Of course it would be.

That works. It works. It works. Holy shit. And then what's Hawaii? Like the silly islands. What's the Republic of Ireland? The Republic of Ireland has got to be

got to be canada right yeah that kind of works yeah it does kind of work all right i like it um what is the strangest thing oh no that hasn't got any answers to it this is poorly prepared someone's saying blow job is misleading because you don't blow, you suck. However, it is like work. So it's definitely a job. Maybe for some of us. What's something your family does that you didn't know was weird? Blowjob.

My fiancé's family all kiss each other on the lips. Oh my god. He kisses his mum on the lips, his grandpa on the lips, his aunt on the lips. Everyone kisses everyone on the lips And they get offended when I won't do it That's how you get oral herpes What?

Oral herpes You mean cold sores? Yeah HPV Yeah Is it actually herpals? Yeah Is it real herpes?

Yeah, but it's a different kind What's human papillomavirus? I don't know. Is that chlamydia? HPV? What, koalas again? Yeah, the one koalas have. Did we talk about koalas in the podcast recently?

Yeah, we did, didn't we? We did, yeah. They've all got HPV, probably, or herpes. Is that the same thing? Maybe. I'll Google it. We have got the internet at our powers. I mean, I'm a little bit worried Because you don't really know

You know Your citation needed Human papillary Relief of virus No I think it's It's a different thing It's a different No it's genital

Genital warts Is what it is Right Okay that's Which is not Different virus To the herpes ones Or herpes

So you're saying So he kisses his grandad Does he slip a tongue in Or No it's just a little Lippy It's a Frenchie. Oh, it's not even French.

I mean, they have French kiss on the cheeks, don't they? Twice. Twice on the cheeks. I always chicken out after the one and it's kind of awkward. Yeah, that's enough. Cheers. I've done it a lot. Whatever.

And then you push them away. Stick your hand in their face and push it. What is something your family does that you didn't know was weird? My family milks the cat by grabbing any two of their body parts, i.e. front legs, back legs, or ears, or sometimes the tails of two of them standing next to each other and alternates gently pulling on them and making peesh-poosh noises. Oh, my God, that sounds amazing.

Oh, my God, that sounds amazing. You're going to do that as soon as you get home. They wouldn't let me. No fucking way would they let me. You would milk the cat. They would not let me. Like pulling on its paws. No, no.

What would they do? They'd bite me. Okay. Not normal, apparently. We spend all the time we can with each other. We look forward to seeing each other. That's weird. What's something your family does that you didn't know was weird?

We spend all the time we can with each other we buy each other gifts regularly not just on holidays we give each other money when we're down we speak truthfully to each other even when it's to tell each other they are being an asshole no one does that

that's really weird no one loves each other like that much what's something your family does that's weird every mother every mother every Christmas perfect Christmas related My mother would prepare a batch of boiled eggs

One of which is rotten We would each take one and bite into it Whoever got the rotten one would be named the egg lord for the rest of the day The egg lord Egg lord Oh my god, that is incredible You like that one? In my family, it is normal to ask if anyone needs to use the toilet after we number one to save water.

That sounds something like a really stingy dad would do, doesn't it? It sounds like a gross thing that your dad would like. I'm bloody pissed. Does anyone need to have a shit? That's literally what you're saying. It's horrible. I can see a dad doing that, though. You know, an old-fashioned dad.

If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down. I can see a dad doing that though You know, an old fashioned dad If it's yellow, let it mellow If it's brown, flush it down Oh yes, that eternal saying Every Thanksgiving We pass a corn If it's green, you've been taking iron supplements I think that's the additional

If it's purple That's beetroot, isn't it? Yeah What else? Any other poo related stuff you need? If it's purple, that's beetroot, isn't it? Yeah. What else? Any other poo-related stuff you need? Drop out now? Okay, cool.

Everything saving, we pass a corn on the cob around and pretend to smoke it like a blunt. Just a big old fatty. Why are they... I don't know. That's a crazy one, isn't it? That is a bit odd. So what gets weirder and weirder the more you think about it? Okay.

So someone's first person's reply is owning a pet. Essentially, you have taken an animal from their mother, kept them against their will, but they have developed Stockholm Syndrome to the point that they love you. Yeah, I'm not sure that... What you're doing is you're putting human psychology into an animal. You're anthropomorphising them.

But they give them names. Of course we're anthropomorphising them. Slave names. Slave names. What do you think your cat's real names are? What's it called? Like their tribal names or whatever. Their real names.

Kunte, I think. Kunte. And Foku. They're real names. Kunte, I think. Kunte. Yeah. And Foku. Fuku. Oh, my God. They're horrible, aren't they, your cats? They are horrible. Fuckface and Wankchops are their names.

They're real names. That sounds more like it. Jesus. What gets weirder and weirder than what you think about it? Legal tender. The only thing holding currency together is our own confidence that it works. Well, yeah, that's fiat currency, in which you have a sort of arbitrary value assigned to it.

But even though... It doesn't actually exist. Whereas there's things like gold, for example, do have a sort of intrinsic value and a sort of rarity associated with them. Well, I don't know. Fiat currency is backed by tax effectively. That's what it's got behind it. People pay income tax to the government, don't they?

So it's always got this... Fiat currency is backed by our hard work. Yeah. And by the amount we believe in it, that's true. But yeah, Sips and Ravs come down with their Scottish and Jersey banknotes. Oh, God. And they can't spend them.

Oh, God. The shit they get for shops. People don't believe in their banknotes, do they? Just think, it's a house of cards. There's people and they say, Scottish not taking that. Don't have to take it. No. Do they have to take it?

No, actually, I don't think they do. Or do they have to take it no actually i don't think they do there's a thing where people who own shops can refuse any customer for any reason to sell them stuff basically they don't have to sell you get bristol pounds bristol no one is bristol pounds bristol crowds are like a local shitty farming version of bitcoin oh my god don't call bristol pound a shitty farming version of bitcoin it's like the opposite of Bitcoin, though. It's like even more backwards. Oh, my God. It's like going even further away.

What's weirder and weirder than what you think about it? Every stranger you ever met, glanced at, or even interact with over the internet over the course of your entire life is either still out there leading a life as complicated and vivid as your own. Or they're dead. They're dead! Is that weird to think about? Don't worry about that.

Oh, fuck! I guess it's weird if you're like a sociopath and you wouldn't just assume that. That's true. What gets weirder and weirder the more you think about it? That as an adult, it is deemed weird to drink a human breast milk, but to drink random animal's breast milk is totally fine. Oh, God. What?

Isn't it weirder to just, like, eat the flesh of another living creature? Breast milk seems quite tame, doesn't it? It does, doesn't it? Eating cow tit juice is fine, but, you know, you're taking a bite out of muscle from a cow's ass. Sorry, fanny for American. Oh, my God. Beef cat food.

Beef fanny. Beef cat food. Cats are now eating... If your cat eats a cow, how would that have happened in nature? A large wild cat would take out a calf. Okay, that makes sense uh that's fine that's not weird then in that case i like it but it's the other way around isn't it now saber-toothed tiger cat's little dinky mini things but could you imagine like a little house cat or a pack of

them taking on like a cow a house oh my god or tearing little chunks out of it it's like death by a thousand cuts that'd be terrible death by a thousand cuts. That'd be terrible. Death by a thousand cats. Nice. What's considered... High five. What's considered trashy if you're poor, but classy if you're rich? Classy.

Classy. Trashy if you're poor, but classy if you're rich. Well, getting financial handouts from the government. Oh, I see. If you're rich, getting financial handouts from the government boy oh i see you're rich it's a good hashtag bailout uh nice having a dinner table made out of a repurposed door oh yeah anything sort of hipstery anything upcycled like that yeah like you know wearing secondhand clothes. No, they're actually vintage.

Lol. I love these. I haven't got any credits for whoever wrote these, but these are great. You're just reading out. None of these are from you. They're all from the internet. They're all from the internet. Yeah.

It's amazing, isn't it? You're not giving any of your own answers. Well, I've come up with a couple. You've come up with a couple. It's fine. You haven't come up with that many. Multiple cars on your property. Right.

This is an experimental thing, okay? If we don't like it, we won't use it next time. I just want to see how it flows. Lewis reads stuff from the internet. Yeah, well, it's funny. It's funny stuff. I like it. This stuff wouldn't get used otherwise.

You know, it would just get forgotten about. All that gold. Oh, lost in time. Yeah. Like tears in rain. That's a Blade Runner quote. Drinking in the day. That's the thing, isn't it?

Is that classy? Well, you see James Bond doing it. Every time he goes into a scene, he gets a bottle of whiskey and pours out. Yeah, only when the sun's over the yardarm. They do it up at the top of a high rise as well, don't they? Like in a financial business meeting, he'll say... Liquid lunch. Come in, help yourself to a brandy.

Oh, yeah. You know? I don't know how often people do that in business meetings and stuff. All the time. Do they have it like a decanter? Yeah. Yeah, because it's... Do you know what?

I think people really are like this. I'm the one that bought you a fucking drinking cabinet. I never use it, though. I sort of saw a chilli sauce in it. Yeah, you don't have any alcohol in the office, do you? Oh, what's that there? An advent calendar full of bottles of gin. What's considered trashy if you're poor but classy if you're rich?

Inbreeding. What? Well, because it's like rednecks, but also the royal family. Are you saying the royal family have sex with each other? Well, classically. Living off your parents' wealth. Like the royal family. Love.

Having a sex dungeon. Right. If Christian Grey had not been rich, Fifty Shades of Grey would simply have been an overly long Law and Order SVU episode I mean it's pretty abusive as it is Law and Order SVU

What's SVU stand for? Special Victims Unit Oh god It's mostly about sexual assault cases So it's brilliant telly What's going to trash you if you're poor But class if you're rich? Everything sexual assault cases. So it's brilliant telly. What's going to trash you if you're poor but class if you're rich?

Everything. A rich man who acts erratically is labelled eccentric. A poor man who acts erratically is labelled mentally ill. What's the difference? The rich man can afford to stay out of the nut house.

The rich man in his castle. This is good but this will apply to the people on the stream. So gamers, what's the worst nickname out of the nut house. The rich man in his castle. This is a good one. This will apply to the people on the stream. So, gamers, what's the worst nickname you've ever used that you actually thought was cool at the time? Zephos.

Man, I used to... Well, when you're a kid, you used to... The first nickname I ever had... Ace. ...on the internet. No. Shithole.

It was Crumpet. I know. It's really bad. People Google that and they'll find your old posts and forums. But that was when I was like eight and I didn't understand that.

Neo pets. I didn't understand that it meant like, you know, a nice bit of crumpet. You're like, I like crumpets. Locker with butter on. That's right.

I was a little child and it was great. I had a great time being that, until someone told me. Oh, your name's Gay, lol. And you're like, no it isn't. You both sound the same. So, a couple of people have put some in. Do you want to hear them?

I mean, there's a lot of them in chat right now. Oh my god, look at all these embarrassing games. The names. i'm too scared to say it like my old username juicy giblet uh well you can only say if they're really embarrassing uh look at these guys so there's one one guy wrote his name was double barrel boob guns that's not a bad one It's quite a long one Double barrel boob guns It might be too long for some places Bilbo tea baggins That's so Gaben Pelvic thrust of death STDs nuts

Oh my god Boaterboy9 92, 92. I had a boat, so I thought I was the shit until I had to say it to people out loud. And then they thought I was saying Boner Boy, 92, 92. He had a boat. He had a boat, yeah. Boater Boy.

How did he have a boat? I don't know. He must have had a little boat or something. I don't know. He was probably rich. Or like a dinghy or something. I don't know. Duncan's got a little boat, but he... God, he does have a boat, doesn't he? Yeah, a little boat. He's probably rich. Or like a dinghy or something. I don't know. Duncan's got a little boat but he...

God, he does have a boat, doesn't he? Yeah, a little boat. Not a yacht. No, it's like a little blow-up boat. A little blow-up boat. He still hasn't gone

on the river with it. It's too cold now. Holy crap. Dark K-Rider. Oh, these names. I wouldn't go out on a boat with Duncan. Would you?

Untrusty bonus... Lewis. Untrusty walrus boner. Would you go out on a boat with Duncan, just the two of you, on a little rocky boat? I mean, I would be... Drinking. Oh. No, I'd bring the drink.

I'd bring like an ice box full of drink. Would you go out with a drunk Duncan at night? He would be drunk first of all. He'd be drunk when we got going. He's already drunk, yeah. We're not going to fucking France. I don't mind going out on the paddling pool or whatever, on the river. Because if you go in that water, you're dead.

What? Yeah. I can swim there. You're in that freezing cold water with alcohol in your bloodstream. What? You're going to shock. I would go to shock. You're going to shock.

I've been in cold water before. You'd have to rely on Duncan to fish you out. A drunk Duncan to fish you out. I would trust my... He'd reach in out a drunk duncan to fish you out i would trust my reach in with a big hand and just pull you out yeah it'd be safe he'd be fine he wouldn't even his feet wouldn't even touch the ground you know he'd just be wading in there you know oh my god it would just come up to his knees yeah he's not that big his feet wouldn't it's like a giant feet wouldn't even yeah sorry what I mean Yeah I said it wrong But you get the idea

What is your go to Random fact Do you have a random fact That you go to What do you mean go to Like a random fact If someone says Hey give me a random fact

Give me a fact I don't think Anyone's ever asked me that You Give me a random fact Well When do they say what You're like in a shop

No it's like Sometimes people say Tell me a joke Copy the daily mail please And then they say Give me a random fact. When do they say what? You're like in a shop. No, it's like sometimes people say tell me a joke. Copy the daily mail, please. And then they say give me a random fact.

Give me a random fact. Oh, it's okay. Maybe they don't do that. Oh, Muslims are scary. That would be it.

They'd say, okay, and then they'd hand you the daily That's not a fact. That's like the code. In order to be given a daily

mail, you have to say that. Oh, immigrants. There you go, son. Okay, that's not a fact, is it you have to say that oh immigrants there you go son again that's not a fact is it if you say oh house prices are terrible they give you like an express or something instead it's not a fact again i miss lady diana give you an express i like tits they give you a star yeah i'd like it if if if more the average breast size is now a D cup really they give you

they give you a copy of the Daily Star I'd love it if more things in the world were like that like you went into a supermarket and you're having some food and they said give me a round of facts

and you had to say and then based on the facts they give you a certain meal yeah they give you like what you can live off I like that that's good

it's like a sort of personality test yeah to see what you should get. That's really cool. I mean, it'd be good for what kind of drink and stuff if you're in a bar. Okay. And they ask you a question. You're in a desert and you see a tortoise and it flips over onto the back of its shell. It can't get up.

What do you do? Well, it's nature. So, I'll have a pint of lager. I pull out my.44 Magnum. What do you mean? No, because then you have to say some bullshit and they'll present you with a drink based on your personality type. What position would you play at baseball?

Like if you go up to that turtle and you flip it back over, they give you like a baby sham. A baby sham. Do you know what I mean? They give you some really softy drink, like a Bacardi Breezer. I don't know. What sort of questions could they ask? No, they should ask you these philosophical Buddhist questions.

How many? Like what's the sound of a river? There's 12 steps that you have to go through to get a drink. That's right. 12 questions that they ask. Yeah. Like the goat. Yeah.

And then depending on your answers. Like the goat? Like the goat. What do you mean? From Fallout. The goat test. Oh, the goat. What, G-O-A-T?

Yeah. Like the GCSEs. It's the same thing, yeah. Right. So, like, is there maths questions? No. It's like psychological. What's the same thing, yeah. Right. So is there maths questions? No. It's like psychological. What's the square root of 184?

I don't know. I don't know! You're too stupid. Here's a pint of cider. It's about 14 or something. I don't know. I should have given you an easy one. Yeah.

Yeah. God. 13 something. So here's some go-to random facts. Do you want to hear them? The male giraffe will continuously headbutt the female in the bladder until she urinates. The male then tastes the pee and it helps to determine whether or not the female is ovulating. If she is, it's business time.

It's business time. Business time. Hello? The artificial taste of raspberries comes from the anal gland of a beaver. The go-to random fact. I love it. Like, you're on a date. Okay, you've just met a girl.

You've met her for the first time. You've said, oh, you look like... No, no, it's more like speed dating. You don't look like your pictures or whatever. It's more like speed dating, wouldn't it? Because you always come up with, you know, there's got to be quirky, stupid, you know, if you was a vegetable, what vegetable would you be, lol?

Because you've only got, like, three minutes. You have to add the word lol on the end yeah yeah um oh shit but yeah i mean that that's can you imagine i mean just any chap with the word anal gland in it i guess it's got to be a problem right not really i mean you don't think so you think it opens the doors saying oh he's talking about anal glands doors he's talking about anal glands He's talking about anal We've only just met He's already talking about anal glands He's very forward

They're towering a nice part Of fucking town Can't you Yeah the fucking The alarm's going off Jesus Jesus The pyramids

And woolly mammoths Were around at the same time Did the mammoths build The pyramids It's a conspiracy They had to shave the mammoths So they didn't get too hot yeah and then they had to walk it up on hind legs and that's why they all look funny in those

carrying big big big old boulders yeah big bricks they're like giant bricks yeah they weren't slaves though they just did it for fun that's the noise they make is Is that quite good? Yeah, do it to the camera. Okay. Sharks, when rolled on their back, go into stasis mode. Stasis mode? They freeze, don't they? They're not fucking electronics. They're not on standby. They go to standby.

They are. Sharks are electronic. What do you mean? They go unconscious? Is that what they're saying? Sharks aren't real. They're a government. They're FBI. Oh, are electronic. What do you mean? They go unconscious? No, no, no. Sharks aren't real. They're a government. They're FBI. Oh, my God.

CIA. Spy robot. It's like that movie about the dolphin that's trained to blow up. We just hit $50,000. We've hit $50,000. We've hit our total for the evening. Congrats, everyone. We've done it total for the evening. Congrats, everyone. We've done it. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you for the donations. Thank you for donating. 50K on the first night. We're still doing the podcast. Fantastic. We are still doing a live podcast. It's fine.

How long have we got to do? We've got another 25 minutes. Okay, it's fine. If a pizza has a radius Z and a depth A, that pizza's formula that volume can be defined Volume? Area? Surface area? That pizza's volume can be defined as pi times

z times z times a. Ah. Pi r squared, yeah. Nice. Pi r squared times, yeah, whatever. The phrase hands down comes from horse racing

and refers to a jockey who is so far ahead that he can afford to drop his hands and loosen the reins. Is that real? Which are usually kept tight to encourage... Those kind of facts turn out to be bollocks. The band Gorillaz is a pun. Right. Because a group of gorillas is called a band.

Oh, is that true? Apparently so. Modern day humans are closer in time to the T-Rex than the T-Rex is to the Stegosaurus. Oh my God. Did you know that one? That's terrifying. Isn't there another one as well? T-Rex about what 70 million years

ago stegosaurus 150 or something like that same one i heard the other day was that cleopatra is closer to modern day than the building of the pyramids which just seems insane because she was a very long time ago uh that's terrible that's ohference between one million and one billion. A million seconds is 11 days, but a billion seconds is 32 years. So a million and a billion, a big difference. Is that surprising to you? That's a lot, isn't it? It's a random go-to fact.

Matt, random fact. Oh, the whole bollocks about the space pen Do you remember that? NASA didn't spend millions on a space pen When the Russians used a pencil It was that big thing, right? It was made by It was made by an inventor called Paul Fisher

Who sold it to NASA for only $6 each So it didn't look like they spent millions No, it was $6 a pen Yeah It wasn't like Fifty thousand dollars a pen No And it worked pretty well

The person who did I'm not sure about this one This might be bollocks The person who did Miss Piggy's voice Also did someone's voice Hey Kermie From Star Wars

Frank Oz Who do you think he did From Star Wars Yoda That's right Miss Piggy And Yoda had the same voice actor Frank Oz Isn do you think He did from Star Wars Yoda That's right Miss Piggy And Yoda Had the same voice actor

Frank Oz Isn't that amazing Yeah I'll knock you Know his name I'm not reading that one That's very rude Oh read out the rude one

No A woman's Ladies parts Is called a vagina In the UK A lot of very old streets Are named after The professions

Of ye olde inhabitants. Gropecunt lane. Like that. Yeah, which is now called grape lane and stuff like this. Yeah. That was the brothels were often located there. See, I knew where you were going with that. Yeah. It's a common one. Each pineapple takes

one and a half to three years to grow. Takes three years to grow a pineapple. Just think about that. That was quite a segue. It's out of nowhere. These are random facts. Squid brains are shaped like a donut and their food pipe runs through it.

If a squid eats something too big, it can get brain damage. Oh, my God. That's amazing. That's a good fact. I love that one. That's brilliant. That's a pretty good fact, isn't it? A donut-shaped brain. Oh, my God. That's amazing. That's a good fact. I love that one. That's brilliant. That's a pretty good fact, isn't it? Donut-shaped brain.

Oh my God. Gary Newman. Oh, wait, which one? The one with N-U-M-A-N. Oh, the Cars guy, not Gary's Mod guy. Yeah, sorry, yeah. Cars is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. A grain of sand is halfway in size between an atom and the planet Earth.

What the fuck does that even mean? Halfway in size? Yeah, it's halfway in size. What does that mean? Between an atom. Halfway in size? It's in the middle. Halfway in size?

Sand in the middle So there's like ball, melon Earth Goes bigger and smaller Logarithmically Yeah like grain of sand Cell Halfway in size

That's such a shit way to put it It's between the two If an atom Wouldn't it be two grains of sand? Wouldn't it be two grains of sand next to each other? What? An atom, grain of sand, two grains of sand So the grain of sand is

Halfway between an atom and two grains of sand No that's with a ratio So the ratio between an atom to a grain of sand Is the same as a grain of sand to the earth How about that? Do you like that? Do you like that? Do you like them apples? Do you like that?

There is no place in England that you are more than 52 miles away from the sea. What? 52 miles away from the seas. 52 miles. There you go. Sharks were on earth before trees. Sharks are older than trees!

And they're controlled by the government. That is... A landlocked country is one that is entirely surrounded by land or has borders with closed seas and therefore no access to international waters. Before there were trees covering the globe in forests, there were giant mushrooms. Right. Just giant mushrooms. Right.

Just massive mushrooms. What do you mean massive mushrooms? Big toadstools? Imagine, like in Minecraft. Right. The biome that has giant mushrooms. Did mushrooms really grow on stuff? Like dead stuff?

But it wasn't... You're saying it was like fungus? There was only mushrooms. At that point, it was just giant mushrooms. So there wasn't any dead stuff? Did it wasn't... There was only mushrooms at that point. It was just giant mushrooms. So there wasn't any dead stuff. Did they just grow on dead mushrooms? I don't know what they grew on. They must have done.

But it was before, you know, plants. They were just mushrooms. Well, there must have been some plants, right? I don't know. I think it was just mushrooms and sharks. There was a time in history when there were just mushrooms and sharks? Yeah. That was a fucking time to be alive, wasn't it?

What a time to be alive. Surf and turf. Stroganoff. It sounds fantastic. What a time to be alive. Stroganoff does have mushroom in it, doesn't it? It's cream and mushroom. Oh, I love a Stroganoff.

I have to avoid it because of the cream. Dooff. I have to avoid it because it's a cream. Do you? I have to avoid it because of the shark. So a doubly landlocked country is one that is surrounded on all sides by landlocked countries.

Okay? So there are two doubly... Mongolia. There are two doubly landlocked countries in the world. One is Liechtenstein

and one is Uzbekistan. Oh, Uzbekistan. You're welcome. It had to be one of those countries up round there. I think what we'll do is we'll end the podcast with a scary story

because you love a spooky story, don't you? I do. But it's not Halloween. But I can't save this for next Halloween. It's ages away. Let's just get on with the scary story. Okay, so I've got a scary story. Are you ready? Or we could just put this podcast out not Halloween. But I can't save this for next Halloween. It's ages away. Let's just get on

with the scary story. Okay, so I've got a scary story. Are you ready? Or we could just put this podcast out at Halloween. Or the main podcast

is done. This is podcast DLC Halloween special. We can sell it for extra. Yeah. For extra zero. Nothing. Okay, because it's

free in the first place. Scary. these are actually scary stories but they're only two lines long so you've got to judge how scary they are

you ready can we get some scary music don't worry about it if you catch up don't worry about it it's like what in the next

20 seconds we'll carry on but if you get a chance to put scary music in just go for it so are we going to have a rating system five chainsaws five chainsaws No, look, we'll carry on, but if you get a chance to put scary music in, just go for it. So are we going to have a rating system?

Five chainsaws. Five chainsaws. Or scary faces. Five spooky poops. Five demons. Skeletons. Five... Five skeletons. Wet beds.

Five... No, no, no. Five... Puddles of slime. Puddles of slime. All right, we're doing that one. No, no, no, no, no. Skulls. Okayuddles of slime. All right, we're doing that one. No, no, no, no, no. Skulls.

Okay, go. Okay. Are you ready to be spooked? All right. Spooky stuff coming. This is really short, so I just want to make sure we're in the right mood before we start. Should I do the Candyman music? Okay.

Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do. Do-do. Oh, there we go. There was a picture in my phone of me sleeping. I live alone. Right. Okay, that's just...

That's really shit. We're easing into it. That's like a one. Fine. That's one skull. Okay. I woke up to hear a knocking on glass. At first, I thought it came from the window.

It came from the mirror. Until I heard it come from the mirror. Heard it before. Heard it before. One skull. I can't sleep, she whispered, crawling into bed with me. She's been dead for 17 years! No. Oh. I woke

up cold, clutching the dress she was buried in. Oh! Yeah, I like that. That's better. It's more subtle. How many skulls? That's two skulls. After working a hard day, I came home to see my girlfriend cradling our child.

It's been dead for 14 years! I didn't know what was more frightening, seeing my dead girlfriend and stillborn child child or knowing that someone broke into my apartment to place them there? One skull.

One skull. Lame. You're not spooked out by these at all? No. Alright. Well, carry on though. I always thought my cat had a staring problem. She always seemed to be fixated on my face. Oh, God.

Until one day, I realized that she was always looking just behind me. Oh, four skulls! Four skulls! Four skulls! See, that's a lot more subtle than, like, dead person in my face. All right, all right. Okay. Okay. All alright okay I'll carry on

I'm spooked my daughter won't stop crying and screaming in the middle of the night she's being dead 14 years I visit her grave and ask her to stop but it doesn't help they're all the same.

They're all the same. That's zero skulls. I'm just fed up. Growing up with cats and dogs, I got used to the sound of scratching at my door while I slept. But now I live alone. It's much more unsettling.

You don't like it? One skull. That's all I got. That's all we got. Is that it? Yeah it? One skull. That's all I got. That's all we got. Is that it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's have some more. Let's have some more.

Three puddles of slime. I like it. Someone's posted. The twist is, it's dead! That's literally it. They were terrible. I always liked it when my mother made fish fingers and mashed potato for me. But this evening when she made it, I didn't like it so much

because she's been dead for 30 years. That's literally all those fucking stories. That literally is that story, yes. Well, look, I think that's enough for the podcast. Let's end it. All right. Thanks for listening, everyone. See you all next time.