Triforce! - YoGPoD 49: Christmas Special 2015

Episode Date: December 15, 2015

It's Christmas, so I've got a bunch of festive facts and stories to share with Simon. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!   Production music courtesy of Epidemic Sound and incompetech.com "Jingle Bells", "Oh, Christmas Tree", "We Wish you a Merry Christmas"Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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at Real Canadian Superstore. Hello, and welcome to TTT. York pod, York pod, York pod Hello and welcome back to the York pod episode 3 Because I can't remember the number of the others It's Christmas podcast the number it's not the others uh it's christmas podcast simon it's christmas are you warm and cozy and wherever you are out there in the world listening to this you might be on the bus with your woolly hat no i'm here you might be walking around in the snow no you might be indoors in it's still nove. Lovely, warm... It's not even Christmas yet.

It's not even close. Well, listen, I don't know what's going to happen over the next period of time. We might not have time to record it on Christmas, so we're doing it in advance. So, Simon, are you excited for Christmas? Yeah, I think so. I think so.

Have you put the decorations up and decorated the tree? Actually, I'm sort of non-traditional i guess when it comes to christmas okay and instead of normal christmas decorations what i've done is i've ordered um christmassy themed lego right um that i'm gonna put up put together yeah yeah and there's a couple of ones which is like there's one of Santa in front of like a fireplace Which is quite nice And there's also like Santa's workshop That has sort of like snow capped roofs

So what you're just going to put them around the room Yeah Like maybe the fireplace on top of the fireplace Well I'm thinking they'll go next to like my tower of Orthanc And my Simpsons house It's weird I'm sort of getting the vibe that you live in Legoland. I kind of do. Do you have like a massive...

Oh, man. Just rip this fireplace out. We're going to put a Lego one there instead. Rip these sofas out. They're going. Take them away. We're going to put some Lego sofas here. I couldn't afford that.

That's ridiculous. With Lego cushions. I mean, have you seen how much Lego you get? For like, you know, 200 quid, you get, like, a few thousand pieces of Lego, which is just enough to build, like, something that's a foot tall, you know? When's your birthday? Because I think we should take you to Legoland. I think you'd like it.

What, in Denmark? Maybe I'll get you some tickets for Legoland as a Christmas present. Or Windsor. We'll go to Windsor. Legoland, Windsor. We'll take you to Windsor Castle. Yeah. The Queen might be staying there. Well, Windsor. We'll take you to Windsor Castle as well. The Queen might be staying there. Well, you know.

You can drop in on the Queen. She's a big fan of Lego. The whole thing is made of crown, Lego crown. Her corgis are actually made of Lego. Lego corgis. They're Lego corgis. They were replaced back in 1984. I'm not sure I'd like to live in a house entirely made of Lego.

I mean, the Lego TV might be a tricky one. I don't think they'd be very much on. I can imagine, you know, you get up in the middle of the night to go to the loo, it's dark, the light isn't on, you're stumbling around, and you put your foot on a piece of comfortable carpet. Oh! Oh! Ah!

Do you know how it is? It'd be like a death trap. Oh, God, it would be awful, wouldn't it? You'd go into the kitchen, you'd cut up some Lego ham with your Lego knife. Lego ham? Where is this going? You'd have a nice Lego glass of Lego orange juice.

Lego orange juice. It would be horrible. It'd be like some sort of horror film. Everything would be replaced with Lego. You wouldn't be able to survive. It's like King Midas, isn't it? Everything you touch turns to Lego. That's right.

Oh, that would be... So, yeah, you don't live there, though. But do you want Lego for Christmas? Was Lego something you always got for Christmas? Yeah, I got some of it. It was... Obviously, we know the story about the big yellow teapot. Oh, of course, yeah.

But that wasn't Lego. No, no. I should probably make one out of Lego one day. Someone sent us a real big old one. Someone did. And it's still upstairs. A legit, actual one. A real one.

Can't be many of those around these days. No. I don't think they make them anymore. Well, I don't think so. It's not much of a market for giant plastic teapots. Do we have any guests, possibly, that you've brought along for the Christmas podcast? Anyone? Well, I've only got President Barack Obama.

Oh. Is he still president? Only got president. For Christmas. He is, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, he is. For another six months or so. I know the election things in America go on for a very long time.

But no, he is is as of 2016, 2015 Christmas president. Yes. Is he there? No, he's not here yet. His limo is late. He's got stuck in all the winter traffic weather. He's on the

M4, I can tell you. He's on his way and he should be here before the end of the show oh fantastic so i'll keep you updated well i'm looking forward to that uh is there anyone else but more christmassy that you've got idea more christmassy than president barack hussein obama i can't really think of anyone okay well that's good um so i've got we're mixing up the format with your pod as always um it's keeping us on our toes that's right

and this time we've gone and done a little bit of research I haven't done it but Tom has done it in a kind of low level QI

elves Christmassy elves kind of way he's like a step down from an elf he's like a gnome a Christmas gnome he's like a bad gnome

he's kind of ripped a bunch of facts off the internet, off Google. He's a Christmas fairy. And so we have them here. Do you want to hear some facts? He typed Christmas facts into Google. That's right. Clicked the top one. No, actually he clicked I'm feeling lucky. And he's just copy pasted that result.

Into a notepad for me, yeah. So here we go. You ready for a Christmas fact? Norwegian scientists have hypothesised that Rudolf's red nose is probably the result of a parasitic infection of his respiratory system. Oh, my God. Is it fatal? Well, I think that it's probably some sort of worms. So I think probably some anti-worm medication.

They give that to a lot of animals, don't they? Because, you know, anti-deworming pills. There's children listening to this who are now crying. They're in tears. They're like, Mummy! Mummy! It's Rudolph going to die! A lot of animals have worms. It's a thing, you know.

There's this whole thing. What about worms? Do worms have worms? They might have worms. It's a thing, you know. There's this whole thing. What about worms? Do worms have worms? They might have smaller worms. I'm sure somewhere... Do worms have tiny cats inside of them? No, I very much doubt that. They rub their bottom against the dirt

and little cats are left behind. Oh, my goodness. Like a cat's head. Now, okay, let's move on from that fact. This leads nicely onto this other next fact, my goodness. Like a cat's head. Now, okay, let's move on from that fact. This leads nicely onto this other next fact, second fact. One of the things that was created was a cat organ. Do you know what that is? Have you heard of that?

Yeah, yeah, I have. The one in which it, like, pulls the tails and the cats meow. It's like a series of boxes where there's like a series of tubes seven or eight cats in little cages and it's like a piano keyboard sort of behind isn't it behind the because you know piano works by like when you press the keys like it thumps the string jammer is it cats and jammer it's a cats and clavier i thought it's cats and jammer like um the um oh the character from Black Books. Well, maybe it is, but in this website that I've been linked,

it's a catson piano. Oh, right, okay. And so it's kind of like, you know, instead of, it just gently pinches their tail and they make a meow. Is this what, this is what we had before the internet and Jingle Cats. That's right. This is like an early form. Meow, meow, meow, meow, cats. That's right. This is like an early form. I started too high.

I started too high. I think you started fine. Carry on. I was enjoying that. That's a really Christmassy tune. Oh, it's just warming the cockles. Meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow. Oh, that was Stiele Nacht. It's so accurate. Bizarrely. You've really got it down. Are you a cat whisperer? I'm a cat fancier. Right, okay. One of those things. I can't get enough of them fancier. Right, OK, one of those things.

I can't get enough of them pusk. OK, well, good. That is great. As long as they don't sit on me with a wet arse. Next question. The Germans made the first artificial Christmas trees out of dyed goose feathers. Right. I wonder how many gooses they had to take out to get...

Geese. ..enough. I guess they were eating them at Christmas anyway, right? Yeah, I wonder how many gooses they had to take out to get... Geese. Enough. I guess they were eating them at Christmas anyway, right? Yeah, yeah. So maybe, you know, they had the feathers left over. But, of course, in America, they have Thanksgiving, and it's Thanksgiving that they have the turkey, so when it comes around to Christmas, they tend to have ham.

Didn't they always used to have... So would Americans make artificial Christmas trees out of pig's hair skin? Pig's hair trotters. Crackling. Pig's trotters. Pig crackling. Crackling Christmas trees. Yeah.

They would be delicious. They would be. You could just eat them after you're done. Your pets would go crazy, wouldn't they? The dog would. That Christmas tree. You come back to it the next morning, there'd be just a dog looking really guilty. A big fat dog being sick everywhere.

That's what it would be. It would. Oh, gross. Right, so there you go. Next fact. The true love mentioned in the song 12 Days of Christmas does not refer to a romantic couple. What? What is that song what do

you mean the true love mentioned in 12 days of christmas on the first day of christmas can you sing it in the true love is it a friend is it like friends can you sing that as if it played on the cat To me, a partridge in a pear tree. OK, good. Thank you. A... Wow, we really are not in tune there, but that is magnificent. Thank you. So the true love

mentioned in that song is not a romantic couple. What is it then? It is the Catholic Church's code for God. What? So it's actually God. That's boring. Surely. So God gave us all the things in the 12 days of Christmas. Do you get it? So on the first day of Christmas

God gave to me a partridge in a pear tree. And then on the second day he gave me two turtle doves. So he gave me all these things. Do you see? He created everything. I don't know about that. That doesn't sound right. But also...

Are you sure it's not Sauron? The person who receives... Are you sure it's not Sauron? I'm not finished. Because it's got five golden rings. Hang on. Oh, my God. You're onto something.

Five rings for the dwarf lords in their halls of stone. Yeah. No, was it five to the elves? Oh shit, hang on. No, it was three to the elves. Three to the elves. Five to the dwarf lords. Seven to men.

Seven to men. Oh God, I don't... No, nine to men. Men had nine. Men had nine. Well, there was a lot of them, weren't there? There were quite a lot. And the board ran to the century. Men had nine. Men had nine. Well, there's a lot of them, weren't there? There were quite a lot. I was just drinking.

You idiot. I just put spiced winter red tea right out of my nose. I was just taking a... I thought you were going to go on... It's giving you a red nose like Rudolph. That's the secret. That's what it is. It's not a parasitic infection of his respiratory system.

He was just drinking some spiced red tea, and someone made him laugh. See, kids? It's all worked out nicely. But there you go. So the person who receives the gifts in those represents someone who has accepted the code. For example, the partridge in a pear tree represents Christ.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Are you kidding me? Apparently, in the 12 days of Christmas, my true love is God gave a partridge in a pear tree represents Christ. Oh, for fuck's sake. Are you kidding me? Apparently, in the 12 Days of Christmas, my true love is God gave a partridge in a pear tree to Christ. What? Well, okay. What? As an atheist, I was happy to sing the 12 Days of Christmas

because I thought it was... Just about giving presents. A secular song. I think that's the right term. The two turtle doves represent the Old and New Testaments. Right. Keep going. That's all.

That's literally all Tom's put. What's the three French hens? The French hens are actually... The three apostles. No, there's more than that. The three apostles. The three... The Holy Trinity, right?

That's probably... Oh. The three French hens are probably the Holy Trinity, right? That's probably, the three French hens are probably the Holy Ghost, the Holier Ghost and the Ghost of Christmas Past. The farmer, the Asian and the Holy Spirits. That's right. And number four, Holy Spirits is gin. Did you know that? Yes, I did actually.

Four. I did. I did know that? Yes, I did, actually. Four. I did. I did know that false fact. Yeah, I knew that. What was four? What, you think I'm a fucking idiot? Calling birds? Four calling birds.

Four calling preachers. No, no, it's the four... What are there four of? The books. The four... The four books of of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John Yeah, what are they called? Hang on, I'll Google it Yeah, I can't remember the name for it either What are they called?

I did Scripture The Four Evangelists Apparently What? No That doesn't sound right The Gospels The Gospels, there you go

The Gospels Okay, what about, there you go The Gospels Okay, what about five? Well, we've been there That's the rings The five rings for the dwarves For the dwarven lords Six must be What is six?

I don't know Six sheep are laying Six days of Christmas I don't know Six sheep are shugging. That's six geese are laying. Six geese. The six geese are actually the six lords of hell.

Oh, my God. It's actually the six days of creation. I found it. Oh, that makes sense now. I found it. Like the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, Sixth Day. Yeah. The six, six, seven swans are swimming.

Can you guess what that is? Does it refer to the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven sacraments? It does. Have you Googled it as well? I don't know what you're talking about. What are the seven sacraments? I just knew that off, you know, the seven sacraments, the sacraments of the...

The Catholic Church. Yeah. Okay. Baptism, Confirmation, Eucharist, Penance, Anointing of the Sick, Matrimony and Death. Okay. I don't know. No, I don't know what it is.

Okay. Well, look, Google can help you if you want to understand that. Throughout your life, there's seven sacred rituals that someone goes through typically. I think maybe that's right, yeah. So what's eight? Eight is the Maids of Milking. Right. Which is the eight Beatitudes.

Beatitudes? No, there were four of them. It was John, Paul, George and Ringo. If you include Pete Best, it's five. Sometimes they put an extra couple in, don't they? They always say there was like a fifth Beatle, but there's so many different fifth Beatles that there's probably at least eight.

That's true, yeah. So that's those ones. And then nine. There was the electric keyboard player, the Beatles. That's right. Yeah. Nine ladies dancing. There was the electric keyboard player, the Beatles. That's right. Yeah. Nine Ladies Dancing. There's the guy who played the triangle.

That one. Bez was in them as well. He was involved. Tambourine. Yeah. Nine Ladies Dancing refers to the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit. What the fuck does that mean? Well, of course, it's the kiwi fruit.

Avocado. Avocado, of course. Tomato is a fruit. Ah. But, God, don't put it in a fruit salad, whatever you do. Strawberry isn't a fruit. No, it's a druper. Did you know that?

It's a druper? That's right. It's called a druper. It's like, all berries are drupers. Oh, don't worry about it. The koala bear. Oh, right. I thought you were still. More of the fruits. Sure. The koala bear. Oh, right. I thought you were still...

More fruits. Sure. The koala bear isn't a fruit. It's an animal, but... Ten Lords of Leaping refers to the Ten Commandments. Oh, that's an obvious one. That's an obvious one. Eleven apostles and twelve...

What do you mean eleven? Oh! Apparently they were faithful apostles because Judas didn't count. Gotcha. And he gets knocked out. And 12 is apostles including Judas. That's right. Well, good.

I mean, that was a fantastic fact. Bloody hell. I'm really pleased with that one. But who knew that what we thought was a secular song, actually we were singing the praises of the Lord God, even though we didn't know. I don't know if that's... It sounds like bollocks to me, though.

I still don't believe it. It does sound a bit strange because Partridge in a Prayer Tray being Christ. Sorry, what? Partridge in a Prayer Tray being Christ. It's a bit of a weird...

Jesus on a cross! Most of Santa's reindeer have male-sounding names. Yeah. Such as Blitzen Comet. Like Vixen. Blitzen Comet. Vixen. Hang on.

Vixen is not a male-sounding name, is it? Okay, well, first of all, all of the antlers pulling the sleigh are... What? Most of the reindeer pulling the sleigh don't have antlers, right, normally. Oh. Okay, so that means they're females. Oh, so the ones at the front have big antlers,

and then the other ones behind them don't. Mm. Hang on, this fact is a bit weird. Most of Zaddy's reindeer have male-sounding names, such as Blitz and Comet and Cupid. However, male reindeers... Oh, male reindeers shed their antlers around Christmas. They antler shed? What, they just fall off?

Apparently. So the reindeer pulling Santa's sleigh are likely not male, but all female or castratii. Castrati. Castrati. So they've been gelded, I think is the nice term. Well, they are pets, so you don't want the reindeers getting all frantic when they're supposed to be pulling the sleigh, you know.

Oh. He's got his nose in another reindeer's butt. That's quite sad. So they've all been castrated. Well, I mean, that's... Is that where the idea of having walnuts around Christmas comes from? Oh, yeah. Because walnuts do look a lot like testicles.

Well, there you go. Maybe that's why we call our nutsack. Oh, my God! According to Guinness World Records, the tallest Christmas tree ever cut was a 221-foot Douglas fir displayed at 1950 in Seattle, Washington. 221 feet? Yeah, that's pretty big, isn't it?

Bloody hell. How did they get that into the shopping centre? I mean, the massive truck or series of trucks carrying it. One truck couldn't carry that, surely. That is a massive tree. Have you seen the tree in Cabot Circus this Christmas? That's 75 metres, isn't it? Have you seen the tree? Have you seen it? I haven't's 75 metres, isn't it? Have you seen the tree?

It's like... Have you seen it? I haven't, no. It's like a cone. It's like a white cone. Do you know who turned on the Christmas lights? Tell me. Warwick Davis.

He did not. He did. He did not. He did. He was literally over there. He was over there. Doing the Christmas lights? Yeah.

How do we miss this? I didn't get a call from him. Why didn't we hear about this? He's got my phone number. We follow his Twitter. He doesn't follow me on Twitter. Is he there? Hello, Simon.

Oh, he's here. He was under the desk. Hello. I've been hiding. I was on my name. What happened, Warwick? He might remember me from such films as Willow. Yeah. Yeah.

Why didn't you tell us you were turning the Christmas lights on Warwick? It's an honour. I've been very busy. I've been doing Pantor. How many Christmas lights have you had to turn on? Twelve. Twelve. God, you know, you've got a lot of dates, obviously.

What other towns have you done? I did Margate. Oh, good. I did Birchfield. I did Spunkington. Oh, it's popular there. Good turnout. I did Marblesford. Marblesford.

Oh, they've got a lovely little river running through that place. I love it. I did Gerbilham. Gerbilham. Gerbilham. Gerbilham on the shiver. They've got a really good football team. Yeah, they do.

On the what, by the way? On the shiver. On the... the way? On the shiver. On the... Is it? Jobelhof on the shiver. Okay. Yes. That's the name of the town.

Oh, it's a lovely place. Man, you've been busy. Are they so? Goodness me. Well, thank you. I've been very busy. I know. I've been doing panto.

I'll let you off. I've been playing a dwarf. Have you? Yes. Oh, well, congratulations on that prestigious role. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone.

Warwick's gone. He's off again. He's busy. He's got some more Christmas lights to set up. He's off. Can't stick around. He's got to do the washing up. That made me giggle.

The traditional three colours of Christmas are green, red and gold. Yes. Green is a symbol of life and rebirth. Red symbolises the blood of Christ. And Jesus Christ. And gold. The blood of Jesus Christ. Represents wealth and royalty.

So Santa, when you're looking at him, he's all in his red suit. Actually, the blood of Christ. It's a white suit dipped in the blood of Christ. The blood of Christ. Right. According to data analysed from Facebook posts... According to data from Star Trek The Next Generation... Two weeks before Christmas is one of the two most popular times

for couples to break up. Oh my God. However, Christmas Day itself is the least likely day for breakups in the whole year. Wow.

It's a pretty, it's pretty sucky to break up with someone on Christmas Day, isn't it? What do you reckon that is? So do you reckon like two weeks before

they're thinking, right, oh God, I need to get a present for fucking Marlene. Can't be arsed. I fucking ate the bitch. Do you know what? I'm at it. Fuck her. I'm at it. I'm not, right, oh, God, I need to get a present for fucking Marlene. Can't be arsed. I fucking hate the bitch. Do you know what? I'm at it.

Fuck her. I'm at it. I'm not coming to her bloody parents this Christmas. Screw it. Oh, God, her mother. God, she stinks. I have to go all the way down to Gerbilum on the shitter. The shiver.

And I fucking hate it. Nothing to do. All the pubs closed. She's got me tickets for that fucking panto. What's Tina Barrett's in something, isn't she? Into panto as well. Yeah, she's doing panto. All these big stars.

Kent, I think. Oh. I beg your pardon. She's in Dick Whittington. What did you call me? I called you a... Dick Whittington said, the world's largest Christmas stocking measured 106 feet and 9 inches.

That's 32.56 metres long. That's stupid, isn't it? Because, I mean, I can understand a giant Christmas tree because that's like a naturally occurring phenomenon and it's quite impressive. But when someone just knits a large stocking, that's stupid, isn't it?

It weighed as much as five reindeer. What a waste of time. And held almost 1,000 presents. It was made by the Children's Society for Charity on London. There you go. What a waste of fucking time. Oh, God, no. It's a charity. That was good. It was a waste of fucking time. Oh, God, no. It's a charity.

That was good. It was a good thing to do. It was a good thing. Each year, there are approximately 20,000 renter Santas across the United States. They usually undergo

seasonal training on how to maintain a jolly attitude under pressure from the public. They also receive practical advice such as not accepting

money from parents while children are looking and also avoiding garlic, onions or beans for lunch. OK. Well, that's the last thing you want, isn't it? You don't want a kid to sit on your... Every time a kid sits on your lap, you just let one rip, you know. Ho, ho, ho, little fella.

What would you... Beg my pardon. Santa's a bit gassy from all of the cookies. Santa's got a bit of windy pops. Don't worry about that. All of the walnuts I've been eating. Hello! No, God.

Santa and Brian Blessed are very similar, aren't they? Very similar. I think they're... Has anyone ever seen them in the same room together? That's just suspicious. This is a suspicious... This is r slash conspiracy. We should post this. Bolivians celebrate Misa del Galo, right?

On Christmas Eve. What do you think that is? Misa? Miso soup? Misa del Galo. It's gallows. So it's the hanging miso soup. Misa del galo. Galo is gallows. So it's the hanging of the soup. It's actually the mass of the rooster.

People bring their roosters to the midnight mass, a gesture that symbolises the belief that a rooster was the first animal to announce the birth of Jesus. Oh, okay, I guess that makes sense, doesn't it? You know, they were like, Oh, the rooster is telling us that Jesus is here! That's right. But it's always done that.

Every single, No, no, it's saying that Jesus is here! But it's just that every single morning. I've had that rooster three years, and every morning when the sun comes up... It's reminding us that Jesus is here in our lives, Simon. Every morning. Every morning the roosters are very religious.

They're very observant, aren't they? They point towards Jerusalem. Yeah, and then they lay a special egg. And then baby Jesus hatches the egg. This is a weird one that Tom's put in. The British, I guess this is for our other listeners who maybe aren't British. The British wear paper crowns while they eat Christmas dinner. That's true.

The crowns are stored in a tube called a Christmas cracker. That is sad to think that there's people over the... In the world. That don't have Christmas crackers. Or paper crowns. The crown is to symbolise Jesus. Jesus as the King of the Jews. And the Christmas cracker symbolises...

The blood of Christ. I don't know what it symbolises. I think it's just bollocks. There's far too much blood of Christ in this episode. There really is. It's all over the place. Oh, God. Santa is covered in it. Sopping far too much blood of Christ in this episode. There really is. It's all over the place. Oh, God. Santa is covered in it.

Sopping wet with the blood of Christ. Oh, jeez. All right. So, mistletoe. Viscom album. Cheers. What? It's from the Anglo-Saxon word.

What did you just say? What did you fucking call me? It's from the Anglo-Saxon word mistletan, which means little dung twig, because the plant spreads through bird droppings. So birds eat the mistletoe, poop the droppings, the seeds out, and little dung twig. That's what mistletoe is.

It's like a... Little dung twig. It's a parasitic sort of plant, isn't it? It grows off of other trees. Does it? So, yeah. That's pretty interesting. So that makes sense.

Yeah. Well, the poop twig. There you go. So if you're kissing under the mistletoe, just think about that. Think about poo. Think about poo. Ancient peoples, such as the Druids...

What a way to start a fact. Ancient peoples, such as the Druids. What a way to start. Ancient peoples, such as the Druids, which can turn into bears or cats or moonkins. They considered mistletoe sacred because it remains green and bears fruit during the winter when all other plants appear to die. When you were reading that, did you think it was bears as in the animal bears? I thought bears would eat it.

Because it remains green and bears eat it. It's a better fact than what's here. It doesn't die. Druids would cut it with golden sickles and never let it touch the ground. Okay, now everyone knows this if they've read the asterisk books. Oh, asterisk. What asterisk? You mean asterix? Asterisk do you mean of asterix

asterix yeah not the star yeah yeah yeah the french with an x jolly fat viking man yeah with obelisk why did and uh verse in getterix and the other ones and get a fix that's right get a fix was the one with the golden sickle who cut the mistletoe there were a bunch of like comedy names in asterix do you remember dogmatics dogmatics was the dog that's right yeah oh that was good uh what was the name of the um the chieftain because i don't understand uh get vital statistics vital statistics of course um Oh, that's awesome. So, yeah, that is a good one. Evergreens, from the English word efi, meaning always, and guan, guan, meaning to grow.

Efi guan. Efi guan. That means always to grow. Always grow. Evergreens, efi guan. Guan would be a verb. Oh, guan, would you? Have always been symbols of eternal life and rebirth.

So this is the Christmas tree. The pagan use and worship of evergreen boughs and trees has evolved into the Christianised Christmas tree. So we get the Christmas tree. That's a lot of Christ! No, no, no. The Christmas tree had nothing to do with Christ. It's to do with pagans.

And then it was stolen by the Christians and used in their rituals. Yeah, because it's not stolen so much as adapted. Everyone was doing it anyway, so they were like, oh, we'll have it. So it's like remixed. Yeah, we'll have it. Look, it could not hurt anyone. That's just a remix.

You know, so trees, they grow them for about 15 years. You know, that's the average sort of time that a tree has to grow before it gets cut down and put in someone's house. What, a Christmas tree? Yeah. 15 years? Yeah, it takes a long time to grow up to that size. Wow, I had no idea. I guess I didn't really think how long it would take. What, a Christmas tree? Yeah. 15 years? Yeah, it takes a long time to grow up to that size. Wow, I had no idea.

I guess I didn't really think how long it would take. There's a lot of farms. I used to live near a big Christmas tree farm. So, what, they chop them all down and then it's empty for 15 years and then suddenly, after 15 years, boop, they all appear out of the ground. No, so they have like a...

It's layered, isn't it? So it's like in a slope, so there'll be like some that are 14, 13, 12... Don't use that word. That's what got Top Gear in trouble. Because they viewed Christmas as a decadent Catholic holiday. Oh, yeah. The Catholics well known for their decadence.

The Puritans in America banned all Christmas celebrations from 1659 through to 1681 with a penalty of five shillings. No one was in America then. The population of America was like, you know, 20,000 people. That's true. It gives a shit. St Nicholas is based on a real person. What?

St Nicholas of Myra, also known as Nicolaus the Wonderworker, Bishop Saint Nicholas of Smyrna, and Nicolaus of Barry, who lived during the 4th century. Sorry, of Barry? Of Barry, yes. Barry? Barry. Or Barry Town in Wales? Nicholas of Barry.

Hello, I'm Nicholas of Barry. He also slew a dragon. Do you want to have a present, do you? Born? I'll have a look in my sack. That was bad. I'd love a Welsh Santa. I you want to have a present, do you? Born. And have a look in my sack. That was bad. I'd love a Welsh Santa. I think he'd do a good job.

He's very friendly. Very jolly. He'd have, like, some brains beer. Has Brian Blessed got some Welsh blood in him? I think you definitely have, right? I do, yeah. I don't think Brian Blessed does. I don't know.

I think he's an adopted Welshman. So he was born in modern-day Turkey, and he is the world's most... What, Brian Blessed? Popular. Brian Blessed was born in modern-day Turkey. No, Nicholas of Bari was. OK, right, OK. He was the world's most popular non-biblical saint, with artists portraying him more often than any other saint except Mary.

Right. Saint Mary. He is the patron saint of banking, pawnbroking, pirating, butchers, sailing thievery, orphans, royalty, New York City, and Christmas. What the fuck?

So, St. Nicholas of Bari... How can you be the patron saint of banking and thievery? Banking, pawnbroking, thievery, because it's the same thing. Pirates and the royals. Pirating. It's all the same. Royaling, pawnbroking, thievery. Because it's the same thing. Pirates and the royals. Pirating. It's all the same. Royalty, thieves, orphans.

He's the patron saint of cars, pencils, belt buckles. Biscuits. Horses' manes. Biscuits, but only on a Wednesday. Windows. He's the patron saint of windows. Early illustrations of St Nicholas depict him as stern, commanding

and holding a stiff birch rod. I beg your pardon? Oh, to hit children with? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you've been bad, he just belts you with his rod. That's right. He was more of a symbol of discipline and punishment than the jolly, overweight elf children know today.

Is he an elf? Apparently. He's got magical powers. No one else is allowed magical powers except Jesus. Jesus has superpowers. The blood of Santa! God, no! The holy blood of Saint Nick.

That's what we're drinking on Christmas. Cheers. That's what, that's eggnog. He bleeds like... Can I hear Kim screaming? Yeah, it's just fine. Don't worry about it. It's her birthday, isn't it? Is it?

Yeah, I think so. It's Shin's birthday on Christmas, or Boxing Day. Oh, no. It's a bit of a funny old time to have a birthday, isn't it?

Well, we celebrate his half birthday, don't we? Well, we said we would and then we sort of forgot. Yeah, we didn't this year because fuck him. No, no. We forgot. We were busy, weren't we? Well, we said we would, and then we sort of forgot. Yeah, we didn't this year. Because fuck it. No, no.

We forgot. We were busy, weren't we? Well, happy birthday, Sian. If you're listening to this on Boxing Day, on your birthday, and it is actually your birthday on Boxing Day... I think it is. Then happy... Happy Crib birthday.

It might be on Christmas Eve, actually. Happy birth-musk. Maybe you're related to Jesus I don't think that's how it works I think it is I don't think I'm related to Albert Einstein Back in the day Fat of a wheat bread

Back in the day Jasper Carrot Well, I assumed that back in the day If somebody died at the same time as you were born You took over This is one of the things that i sort of thought when i was a kid that for a long time i obviously for some reason it got into my head that that was how it worked and so right you know if you so the soul of someone who dies immediately goes into a baby as it comes out of the mother that's right yeah so so who who died on the day that you were born? Well, I can look it up.

Who died on... Who died 14th March 1978? It's got the year as well. A guy called Hans Peter Knaust died. Also Lawrence Bagley. Oh my God, Lawrence Bagley. That is literally me. See, Louis Brindley. Oh my God!

Lawrence Bagley. He was an artist born in Southampton. That was where I was born. Oh my God! But he didn't... was an artist born in Southampton. That was where I was born! Oh my God! But he didn't identify if he died there. It doesn't matter. So someone born in the same place as you, with a very similar name,

died on the very day that you were brought into the world. Lawrence Bagley. It's true. He's got a whole Wikipedia article about him. What about you? Did you have someone who died on your birthday? Maybe it was like Stephen Lawrence. Stephen Lanson.

Hang on, hang on. I'm having... What was he called? John Marshall Butler. John Marshall. Close. An American lawyer and politician. Okay.

He was a senator for Maryland from 1951 to 1963. Well, there you go. See? Not very interesting. It's very possible that he took over. He died from a heart attack in North Carolina. Well, it might have taken a little while to travel over.

But there you go. That might have happened. I don't know why I believe that. It's a cool idea. That's not very interesting. I'm not sure I want to be him reincarnated. Well, you wouldn't know. Can I be someone interesting like Julius Caesars? Sure. Well, the thing is you don't know whether... If you have to line it all up, go back. So you have to look at someone who died on the day that he was born.

So when was he born? I don't know. I know he died in the Ides of March. Which is around March, which is when I was born! Does it have his birth date on the Wikipedia article? Well, the problem is the calendar's changed a few times. What do you mean? Well, I mean, there's the Julian calendar that he came up with, so he invented a calendar.

What are you talking about? Dates. No, what are you talking about? Dates. No, what are you talking about? You know dates that we use? No, I'm talking about Stephen Lawrence Butler. James Butler, whoever. Oh, I thought you were talking about Julius Caesar.

No, we have to go backwards. So, like, get Butler's birthday. I thought we were starting with Julius Caesar. No, we can't start with Julius Caesar. We've got to work backwards to see who you're actually related to. So we're starting with me. We can't just assume that you starting with Julius Caesar. No, we can't start with Julius Caesar. We've got to work backwards to see who you're actually related to. So we're starting with me. We can't just assume that you came from Julius Caesar. We want to find out actually who you were.

Okay, gotcha. You might be Julius Caesar's sex boy. Because I'm sure we can... Or like Julius Caesar's... His what? His sex boy. His sex boy? All Roman emperors had a sex boy.

Don't you know this? Don't you know anything? I don't know. Have we got a sex boy? Yes. Who know this? Don't you know anything? I don't know. Have we got a sex boy? Yes. Who is it? Tom. Oh, no.

And you have to have sex with him on Christmas. It's fine. Oh, no. It's the rule. Or else what? Or else you don't get any presents. Oh, my God. I'm not sure I like this.

I'm not sure Tom will like it either. Well, he hasn't got a choice. Oh God. This is a tradition. Oh, why? We have to wear the Christmas paper hat, pull the cracker, and have sex with your sex boy.

You have to do it. It's how things are done in England. Sexy boy. I'm not your boy toy. Boy toy. You have to sing that in a cat clavier. I'm not your boy toy! Boy toy! You have to sing that in a cat clavier. I'm just a sexy boy. Sexy boy!

So what... Wait, what... What? What fact were we on? We're looking for... I can't even remember where we started with this. ...Steven Butler's birthday, so we can find out who died on the day that he was born,

so we can work our way backwards. Oh, this is far too laborious. I'm not going to work back 2,000 fucking years. If you want to find out who you were related to, we need to find out. I bet you can do it. Do it. It will take me months of research. Okay, fine.

We're not going to do that. Let's just say I'm not related to Julius Caesar. We're just going to assume that you're not. Because it's probably quite unlikely. Okay. All right. There. It is estimated that the single White Christmas by Irving Berlin

is the best-selling single of all time with 100 million sales. There you go. So if you want to get... This is what all the bands used to say, isn't it? So did it sell more than, you know, simply having a wonderful Christmas time? I assume so, yeah, probably. Wow.

It says so here. Because that's always on. Unless Tom's wrong. The first person to decorate a Christmas tree was Martin Luther. Okay. According to legend, he was so moved by the beauty of the stars shining between the branches of a fir tree,

he brought home the tree and decorated it with candles. That kind of sounds like bollocks to me. It does. What a coincidence that the first person to do it was actually someone quite famous. So there's 35 million real Christmas trees cut down and sold every year in the US. That's a lot, isn't it? In the US. I don't know.

It's a bit... It's a lot. I don't know. What? It's like the first Christmas present was given by David Bowie. It's like, you know, it's like, what? In Germany, Heiligabend, or Christmas Eve, is said to be a magical time when the pure of heart can hear animals talking.

So it's holy evening. What do you think that the cats would be saying in the cat piano if they could hear them? So what, you're listening... Well, no, they wouldn't be in the piano. They'd just be sat there talking. They'd be, yeah. They'd be, like, licking their assholes

and they'd be going, luscious. Oh. Luscious. Gross. Luscious. You really know how to make cats, like, you know, you bring out the best in them. Any cat owner knows this, though.

Oh, I love tossing my own salad. Ew. It's delicious. Gross. That's what we'd be hearing and we would be appalled and we'd throw out all my own salad. Ew. It's delicious. Gross. That's what we'd be hearing and we would be appalled and we'd throw out all of our pets. Yeah, out into the winter. Don't do that. The Viking god Odin is one precursor to the modern Santa Claus.

No, he isn't. That'd be fucking stupid. According to old stories, Odin rode... He had a beard exactly the same as Santa Claus! Hang on. He rode on a flying horse called Sleipnir, who is a precursor to Santa's reindeer, who had eight legs. How is that like Santa's reindeer?

Because it looks like the train, doesn't it? Well, it's just a flying horse. One flying horse is the same as eight reindeer. No, it's like two reindeers in a row. In the winter, Odin gave out both gifts to good children and punishments to bad children. He would fill their boots or stockings, children would fill their boots or stockings

with treats for Slipnear. So Santa wouldn't fill their stockings, the children would put up stockings filled with, like, apples. Yeah, and... For the reindeer. That's right, and carrots. Oh, no, he wasn't a reindeer. He was a horse.

Sleipnir. Yeah. Sleipnir the horse. Yeah, he was a horse. With eight legs, like a spider. Spider's legs on a horse. That is terrifying. Oh, God.

Don't even go there. I'm just going to plough on with these facts. He's going to... Facts! Does he sleep in a web in a stable? Oh, God. Don't even go there. I'm just going to plough on with these facts. Facts! Does he sleep in a web in a stable? Oh, God. And he sits there and he catches apples in the web. You say that. The earliest known Christmas tree decorations were actually apples.

At Christmas time, medieval actors would decorate paradise trees, fir trees, with apples during paradise plays, plays despicting Adam and Eve's creation and fall. There you go. Oh, OK. There you go. Sure. I mean, I believe that one.

So I've got some true or false questions for you. Are they more Christmas facts? No, this time I've got some Christmas facts, but I've also got some Christmas bollocks that we've made up. So facts and factoids, is that it? Fact or bollocks. OK. Because factoid is a word that means a wrong fact, right?

So you're going to tell me something, and I have to say if it's true or false. Yeah, the word factoid sounds like a small fact, but it's not, it's a bollock. So fact or bollock. A small bollock. Yes. A walnut. Fact or walnut. Catalonians include the figure of

Cagna. Is that in Spain? Catalonians, yeah. It's like an area of Spain. It's a little bit like Wales. It's like Spanish Wales. They're going to break off one day, but they're not that mad about it. They're kind of okay. But if, you know, if in England, right, if Scotland went, Wales would probably go. Northern Ireland would go.

And then Cornwall would be like, we're going as well. And we'd be like, fuck you, Cornwall. You're staying. Catalonia is a little bit like the Wales of Spain. There's a bunch of Spanish regions. The Wales of Spain. Because they speak their own language. Catalan, don't they?

Oh, okay. Anyway. No, that's Matalan you're thinking of. That's a clothing company. You're thinking of MFI. No, you're thinking of... Ikea. That's where you get your Christmas trees.

No, you're thinking of Primark. Oh, yeah, of course I am. So either, one of these is true or false. Catalonians include a figure of Cagna in their nativity scenes. This is a small figure of a defecating man. Okay? So, Catalonians have a little man

in the back of their nativity scene taking shit. Or, in Ottawa, it is tradition for the family to wander the woods looking for the Christmas Sasquatch.

No, that's not real. That can't be real. So, one of those is real. Okay, Ottawa is Canada. I think it's not real. That can't be real. So one of those is real. Okay, Ottawa is Canada. I think it's where Deadmau5 is from. And it gets so, so cold up there. There is no way that a family would be out there in, like, the middle of winter.

No, it's like a native thing that they've included in there. No, no, no, no. That wouldn't happen. You would die. You'd freeze to death. Okay, so which one are you going with? I'm going to go for the shitting man. It's true. Yes, no, no, no. That wouldn't happen. You would die. You'd freeze to death. Okay, so which one are you going with? I'm going to go for the shitting man. It's true.

Yes, that's the true one. Well done. Is it a symbol of, like, rebirth? It's a symbol of make sure to eat healthily. What is it? I mean, it's got to stand for something, isn't it? What is it? Cagna.

We can Google him, I guess. Jeez. How do you even spell Cagna? C-A-G-N-E-R. Oh, right. Or Cagana. So it's like Magna. Okay, here we go.

So El Cagana literally means the crapper or the shitter. Wow. He is depicted as a peasant wearing a traditional Catalan red cap with his trousers down showing his bare backside shitting. Why is his cap red? Because it's the... The blood of Christ! Of course

it is. So the Cagana, by creating faeces, is fertilising the earth. Oh, right. He was a customary figure in the 19th century because people believe this deposit symbolically fertilising the earth. Oh, right. He was a customary figure in the 19th century because people believed this deposit symbolically fertilised the ground of the nativity scenes, which became fertile and ensured the nativity scene would come back the following year.

But nativity scene, if I remember correctly, there's a little donkey, there's some sheeps, there's some cows. Oh, my God. Many modern Kaganas represent celebrities and authority figures. Oh, my God. By modern Kaganers represent celebrities and authority figures. Oh, my God. By representing them with their pants down, the Kaganer serves as a levelling device to bring the mighty down. So it's a little bit like us burning the guy at Guy Fawkes Night, you know?

We totally need to have, like, David Cameron shitting in a nativity scene. In Norway, there is no cleaning on Christmas Eve. All the brooms are hidden away in case they are stolen by witches and evil spirits. Or, I don't know about that one. In Germany, there is a Christmas goblin called

Der Krinkelsnatch that is said to eat children's belts if they have been bad, causing their pants to fall off on the way to Christmas Mass. No, that can't be true. if they have been bad, causing their pants to fall off on the way to Christmas mass. No, that can't be true. One of those is true. I reckon it's the witch's broomstick thing.

That sounds more likely to be folklore than... You're too good at this. That's true as well. Crinkle snatch. Fantastic. That's ridiculous. I'm Okay. Crinkle snatch. Fantastic. That's ridiculous. Okay. I'm sure I would have heard of that. Number three. Thanks to a campaign in 1974,

many Japanese families eat KFC on Christmas Eve. What? Okay. Right. Or in certain parts of Spain, it is believed that Hiding a prawn In your lover's shoe

Will bring vitality To their love Oh god Oh So Thanks to a campaign In 1974 Many Japanese families

Eat KFC on Christmas Eve 1974 Do you reckon I'm not sure There would be a KFC In Japan Or In 74 Many Spanish people believe That hiding a prawn In your lover's shoe Will bring vitality To their love Do you reckon, I'm not sure there would be a KFC in Japan in 74.

Or many Spanish people believe that hiding a prawn in your lover's shoe will bring vitality to their love. The prawn one sounds much more likely than KFC in Japan in the 70s. In fact, it is that. Oh, no way. It is the KFC. And the thing is, I've read a lot about this and it's a big thing. It's like,

they eat chicken at Christmas and it's... But eating chicken is one thing. Eating KFC is an entirely different thing. There's an amazing set of statistics. So, you know, Okinawa was one of these Japanese islands

that was, you know, a big part of World War II when the Americans took it over. No, I don't know that. Except, is that something that people know? No, I just know a lot about World War II, that's all. Oh, OK, right. Okinawa was this place where there was a battle.

It was bad. It was in the Battle of the Pacific. A lot of Americans died taking Okinawa, which was kind of a not a very well... It was a very strategic place because they could use Okinawa to launch airplanes to attack Japan. So it was part of the whole campaign. So America, when they were fighting the Pacific War, they had to go through all of these small islands, first of all, before they could take Japan.

And this island would be like a foothold on the doorstep of Japan. It was fairly loosely populated, but because it was controlled very closely by America, It was loosely populated, but because it was controlled very closely by America, we know exactly what they ate from the after the war and for the next 20 years until the Americans gave it back in 1970. And they ate fried chicken? No, and they ate an incredible plant-based diet of mostly sweet potatoes and about 1% fish and animal products, mostly plants, though. It was these purple sweet potatoes that they ate a lot of, a traditional Okinawan diet.

And they were found to have the lowest health problems in the world. Oh, my God. It's like a miracle plant. It was one of these places where people lived to 100. If we ate nothing but those sweet potatoes. Yeah. Oh, my God. They were like the perfect food.

Where can I get them? Well, I don't know. They're extinct now. They're purple. No, you can get them. But since 1971, apparently there have been built like 15 KFCs built on're extinct now. They're purple. No, you can get them. But since 1971, apparently there have been built like 15 KFCs built on Okinawa. Oh, no.

And the population, their diet has completely changed, and they're now as unhealthy as Americans are. Because they're eating American food. Because they're eating the different diet, yeah. So they used to have this incredible thing where, you know, they wouldn't have hypertension, they wouldn't have heart. Well, I say they wouldn't. So what you're saying is that if someone is out,

it's getting late, you know, the sun's come down, their stomach's rumbling, and again, you know, I really should eat something. And in front of them, there's two restaurants. There's a KFC and then there's a potato restaurant. That's right. You're saying that they should avoid the KFC and they should eat from potato restaurant.

I'm suggesting that... Sweet potato restaurant. It's all about balance, that's all. And I think that... Everything in moderation. Yeah. Even KFC. That's right.

Yeah. You like your KFC, don't you? It's a secret Christmas tree I must admit Maybe I'm really a Japanese person I'd like it in Japan I think So question five Germans hide a pickle

In the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve The first child to discover it Hide the pickle The first child to discover it In the morning receives a small gift Of a pickle. Hide the pickle. The first child to discover it in the morning receives a small gift. Of a pickle. Of a small pickle. There you go, you can keep that.

Happy Christmas. That sounds quite... I believe that. I believe that. I don't know what the next one is. You believe the Germans hide a pickle in the Christmas tree? Yeah, I totally believe it's that. I want it to be true. In Braganca, Portugal, it's traditional to make a batch of boiled eggs

on the day after Christmas, one of which, however, is rotten. The family take turns eating the eggs until someone bites into the rotten one. And they are then proclaimed el ovo. Mr. Egg. The egg. Mr. Egg.

You are the egg. What do you think, the pickle? I want to believe the pickle one, because that egg one's gross. Well, you're. Egg. You had the egg. What do you think? The pickle? I want to believe the pickle one because that egg one's gross. Well, you're right. It's the pickle one. Germans apparently love to hide a pickle in the Christmas tree. Can you believe that?

I didn't think the Germans were sort of big on pickles. These facts, I hope they're all real. They've been researched laboriously by a crack team of Tom. Yeah. Ukrainians decorate their trees with artificial spiders and webs instead of tinsel and baubles. That's because they believe in Odin and his Sleipnir spider reindeer. Are you sure about that?

With the eight legs, yeah. Okay. Up until 1993 in Melmo, Sweden, elders of the town would meet for the ceremony of Christmas joy where they would practice free love in celebration of Christmas. What? Participants could be identified by a sprig of mistletoe behind their right ear.

So free love. So there's a free love festival in Malmo. Melmo. See, again, there's one which is really nice and one which is horrible. Or Ukrainians decorate their trees with artificial spiders and webs instead of tinsel and baubles. That's just messed up.

Because, I mean, the problem with having real trees in your house is that there can be like bugs and stuff hidden in them so absolutely not no no i want to believe that the the free love is true and not spiders apparently it's actually the christmas spider yeah that's messed that's horrible it's true do you want to hear the story? The Legend of the Christmas Spider. The Legend of the Christmas Spider. A poor but hard-working widow once lived in a small hut with her children. One summer day, a pinecone fell on the earthen floor of the hut and took root. The widow's children cared for the tree, excited at the prospect of having a Christmas tree by winter.

The tree grew, but when Christmas Eve arrived, they could not afford to decorate it. Right, OK. and turned them into gold and silver. The widow and her children were rich and from then on they never lived in poverty. Right, OK. So, what? I get it, I get it. It's like, was it Rapunzel that sewed straw into gold? Maybe. So it's a similar kind of thing. Yeah.

OK. I still wouldn't like spiders, even if they shitted out gold and silver. So there's the last one. In Croatia, the tradition Slipci Noci is where parents blindfold their children on Christmas Eve to prevent them from seeing Santa. It is said that if they see him bringing presents, he will turn them into a log. Oh, my God. OK, or the Yule Cat is said to stalk the Icelandic hills. Those who don't receive new clothes before Christmas Eve

are said to be devoured by this mythical beast. OK, so it's either... Oh, God. In Croatia, slibdinoci, parents blindfold their children to prevent them from seeing Santa, who will turn them into a log if they see him, or the Yule Cat stalks the Icelandic hills, and those who don't receive new clothes before Christmas Eve

are devoured by the Yule Cat. Oh, see, now I'm willing to believe either one of those. They're pretty believable, but one of them is bollocks. I mean, Icelandic people sort of, they have a lot of weird-ass folklore about elves and stuff. They do. That they kind of take semi-seriously. It's kind of like an in-joke,

but then it's an in-joke that everyone is sort of in on and affects things that they actually do. What is it? an in joke that everyone is sort of in on and affects things that they actually do what is it what do you think it is it's like something they're embarrassed to kind of believe in

I don't know oh yeah I'm going to go with the cat oh you're right it is the cat well done so it's a

huge and vicious cat Yola Cotour which is said to lurk about the snowy countryside and eat people who have not received any new clothes. Oh man, that's messed up. It's one of these old things. The threat of being

eaten... More if you're from a poor family, you're going to be eaten by a big cat! The threat of being eaten by Yulcat was used by farmers as an incentive for their workers to finish processing the autumn wool before Christmas. So you can get paid? The ones who took part in the work would be rewarded with new clothes,

but those who did not would get nothing or be preyed upon by the monstrous cat. The cat has alternatively been interpreted as merely eating away the food of ones without new clothes, however. But it is a man-eating beast. Popularised by Johannes Urkotlum in his poem Jolakoturin. There you go. Holy crap. The hungry pusk. The hungry, hungry pus poem, Jola Koturin. There you go. Holy crap. The Hungry Pusk.

The Hungry, Hungry Pusk. The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Well, there you go. That, I think, was a pretty fantastic Christmas podcast. I feel like I know more about Christmas than I ever did before, Lewis. Do you want to do one more special one before we go? I feel like we should do one more special one. Okay, we'll do one more.

It's like an encore, okay? So it's like, we'll say goodbye and then we'll do an encore. Okay. Like in a stage show, right? Thanks everyone for watching. Bye! Watching? What do you mean? It's a podcast. Bye! Bye! And then we'll come back round. We'll go off stage. Yeah. And we're coming back on now. And everyone's

like applauding crazily. Oh, it's good to have you back. Yeah, special return. Okay, fantastic. Yeah. So, it's good to have you back. Yeah, special return. Okay, fantastic. Yeah. So I've got a story here. It has to be a cat. Oh, I can't do Freebird as a cat. That's asking way too much. Go for it.

You could do it. You could do it, man. Oh. Oh. do it you could do it man uh okay oh yeah yeah crowd goes wild. Okay, so do you want to just turn on your monitor so you can see what I'm showing you? So there is...

That's enough. In Gavle, this is real, apparently. This is absolutely real. In Gavle or Gavle this is real apparently this is absolutely real in Gavle or Gavle, Sweden every year the authorities install a straw yule goat however, vandals have they like to burn this goat down arsonists

it's been going for 47 years but it's become a sort of bit of a tradition in the town to burn it down however, the authorities really don't want them to burn it down. So they've worked harder and harder every year to try and stop them burning down. Right.

But it keeps getting burned down, okay? So it looks like a big, massive, great big woolly goat, the Gavley goat. Oh. Gavley bock. Give, give le bock. Give le bock, give, give le bock. And it is displayed erected annually at Slotstorget.

So it's a giant wicker goat. It's a giant wicker goat. And it's actually on the Wikipedia article. Oh, Christ, no! No! Christ! God, no! It's got Edward Woodward burning to death inside of it. Oh, but I think that's what the authority's like. So it's been going since 1966 when Stig Govlin...

Oh, that's his name. The Govlin. Came up with the idea of making a giant goat out of straw. But it turned out that they didn't have enough funding. Wait, wait, wait. He came up with the idea of building a giant goat out of straws and everyone went, that is a brilliant idea. But he didn't have enough funding.

So Harry Strom, who was the Harry Strom he went to the bank he was the chairman he said Mr Bank Manager I need a hundred thousand kroner because I want to build a giant goat

out of straw that's right and the goat stood until midnight on New Year's Eve when it went up in flames oh the perpetrator

who was from Hoforth Gastrikland was found and convicted of vandalism. But the first goat was insured, and Strom got all of his money back. What a coincidence. Well, there you go.

So, he rebuilt it the next year, and it was fine. But in 1969, it was burnt down again. In 1970, the goat was burnt down only six hours after it was assembled. Two very drunk teenagers were connected with the crime. So hang on, that's, I mean, five years, three times.

Yeah. But then, with the help of several financial contributions, the goat was reassembled out of Lake Reed. However, a different group took over. So it's kind of damp. In 1973, the goat collapsed because of sabotage. In 1974, it just says burned. The Beastie Boys.

Those fuckers. In 1976, it was hit by a car. In 1978, the goat was kicked to pieces by an angry crowd. Oh my God. In 1979, the goat was burnt to pieces by an angry crowd. Oh, my God. In 1979, the goat was burnt before it was even erected. But a new one was built and fireproofed. However, it got destroyed and was smashed into pieces. Why are people destroying it?

I don't know. What's going on? In 1980, it burnt down on Christmas Eve. In 1982, it burnt down on the 13th of December. On 1983, its legs fell off. In 1984, it burnt down on the 12th of December. Oh, my God fell off. In 1984 it burned down on 12th of December. Oh my god. It kept burning down. It was ridiculous.

In 1986 they were unwilling to build Oh no, they were willing to build it once again. Is it like a bonfire? Is the whole point that it is supposed to burn? No, it's not. They're supposed to do stuff with it afterwards. So why do they make it out of such flammable material? Well, they tried not to. Why don't they make it out of bricks? Don't they know the three little pigs?

Well, you can't make one out of bricks. You've got to throw it up quick. Anyway, the merchants of Gavler decided they were to build the goat once again. They built two. One of them burnt down on Christmas Eve. In 1987, a heavily fire-proofed goat. Hang on, hang on. So they built two, one burnt down, and they were like, ah.

We still got one. That wasn't the real one. It was the trenches goat. In 1987, a heavily fireproof goat was built. It got burnt down a week before Christmas. Well, it couldn't have been that heavily fireproof. In 1988, nothing happened to the goat, but gamblers were able to gamble on the fate of the goat with English bookmakers.

Right, okay. There were like people with guns surrounding it. In 1989, the goat burnt down before it even got to be assembled. However, financial contributions were raised from the public to rebuild a goat, which then burnt down. Yay! In March 1990, another goat was built for the shooting of a Swedish motion picture called Blackjack, and it was guarded by many volunteers throughout to 1991.

Okay? And then it burnt down. No, hang on. It did, didn't it? In 1991, the goat was joined by an advertising sled that turned out to be illegally built, and on the morning of Christmas Eve, it was burnt down!

Oh, no. It was later rebuilt to be taken to Stockholm on the morning of Christmas Eve it was burnt down. Oh no. It was later rebuilt to be taken to Stockholm as part of a protest campaign against the closing of a military regiment. But in 1992 it burnt down.

The Natural Sites Club built a new one and it burnt down. Oh no. So the southern merchants rebuilt it and it was burnt down again. So this year

there were three burnings. Oh shit. That is unbelievable. 1992 was a bad year for straw goats. Fucking three times. Jesus. The goat was featured in the Guinness Book of Records because it was the largest goat ever. It was guarded by taxis and the Swedish Home Guard. Nothing happened.

Okay. Oh, what a relief. In 1994, nothing happened. The goat followed the Swedish national hockey team to Italy for the world championship. What do you mean it followed? I think that they... Down the road. It survived and they sent...

I think they send their goats off, they do stuff. In 1995, the goat came back and a Norwegian was arrested for attempting to burn down the goat. Ah, they stopped him. In any case, it still burnt down on the morning of Christmas Day. Oh my God. Hey, they stopped him. In any case, it's still burnt down on the morning of Christmas Day. Oh, my God.

What a way to spend Christmas Day, burning down a giant goat. In 1996, the goat was guarded by webcams, but nothing happened. What? A bunch of webcams were guarding it. Yeah, with guns. In 1997, the goat was damaged by fireworks. The Natural Science Club's goat was attacked too, but it survived. So there were two goats.

There's two goats now going on. Yeah, yeah. I'm confused. In 1998, the goat burned down on the 11th of December, and there was a major blizzard. Then again, it was rebuilt, apparently, in 1998. Good. In 1999, burnt down.

A couple of hours after it was erected, rebuilt, but. In 1999 burnt down a couple of hours after it was erected. Rebuilt but then it got burnt down again in 2000. Burnt down! The Natural Science Club's goat got tossed in the river. Tossed in a river? How do you toss a giant goat?

I don't know. How tall are these goats? There's two goats running in parallel. How tall are they? In 2001, the goat got set on fire on the 23rd of December by Lawrence Jones, a 51-year-old visitor from Cleveland, Ohio, who spent 18 years in jail. 18 years? Sorry, 18 days. 18 years?

Sorry, days. Holy shit. That is harsh. Burning down a goat, 18 years in prison. He spent 18 days in prison and was subsequently ordered to pay 100,000 Swedish kronor in damages. The court confiscated Jones' cigarette lighter with the argument that he was clearly not able to handle it.

Jones stated in court that he was no goat burner and believed he was taking part in a completely legal goat burning tradition. What? After Jones was released from jail, he went straight back to the US without paying his fine. As of 2006, it's still unpaid. Note, the Natural Science Club's goat

also got burned down. That's like a little note on the end of 2001. P.S. The goat burnt down. So 2002, they were all fucked. 2001, they got tucked in a river. 2002, a 22-year-old from Stockholm tried to set the goat on fire but failed, the goat only receiving minor damage.

Just a little singe. The goat was guarded by Swedish radio and TV personality Gert Fielking. Oh. Oh, my God, he's a bit like Brian Blessed, I guess. You know, maybe. His name sounds a bit like goat fucking. Gert Fielking. Gert Fielking. Gert Fielking. I guess. You know, maybe. His name sounds a bit like goat fucking. Gitficking. Gitficking.

We know what he was doing to make sure the goat was... It was ficking the git. It was just pissing bay. Have a massage for Ronnie. Oh shit. In 2003, the goat was burnt down on 12th of December. Of course it was. In 2004, the goat was burnt down on 21st of December. The course it was. In 2004, the goat was burnt down on 21st of December.

The fire brigade arrived quickly on the scene, but the goat could not be saved and no new goat was built. Meanwhile, the orphanage burnt down. Oh, fuck. We tried our best to save the goat, but 100 orphans all died. In 2005, the goat was burned down, reportedly by unknown vandals dressed as Santa and the Gingerbread Man. They shot a flaming arrow at the goat at 9 o'clock on the 3rd of December.

That is pretty badass. It was reconstructed on the 5th of December. The hunt for the arsonist responsible for the goat burning was widely featured on weekly Swedish live broadcast TV3's Most Wanted on the 8th of December. Oh, my God. Here we go. 2006, on the night of the 15th of December at 3am,

when everyone was asleep, someone tried to set fire to the goat by dousing the right front leg in petrol. Oh, no. The red ribbon on that leg was slightly burned and fell off. No! The lower part of the right leg was scorched, but the rest of the goat failed to light. The leg was slightly burned and fell off. No! The lower part of the right leg was scorched but the rest of the goat

failed to light. The leg was repaired the next morning. However... A vet came. On the... That's the name of the vet. The Natural Science Club's goat

was burned down at about 20 to 1 o'clock on 20th of December. The vandals were not seen and got away. And on the night of the 25th of December

a drunken man climbed up onto the goat. No! But before police arrived were not seen and got away. And on the night of the 25th of December, a drunken man climbed up onto the goat. No! But before police arrived, the man had climbed down and disappeared. He did not try to set fire to the goat. Why is it even mentioned? The merchant's goat survived and was taken down and is now stored in a secret location.

I'm sure in the history of like the 40 years that it's been going on, right? Yeah. That he was not the first person to climb on top of a straw goat. Unlikely. I'm sure in the history of the 40 years that it's been going on, right? Yeah. That he was not the first person to climb on top of a straw goat. Unlikely. In 2007, the Natural Science Club's goat was toppled on the 13th of December and was burned on the 24th of December. No.

However, the southern goat survived. Oh, so that's at least something. In 2008, 10,000 people turned out for the inauguration of one of the goats. No backup goat was built to replace the main goat should the worst happen. They put all their goats in one basket. Nor was the goat treated with flame repellent. Oh my God. Anna Ostman, spokesperson of the Goat Committee,

said the repellent made it look ugly in the previous years, like a brown terrier. So they're asking for trouble. So there was only one goat. It's not fire protected. And there were 10,000 people waiting around. However. All with like sparklers. Although it was vandalised and later removed, it did not burn down.

On the 26th of December, there was an attempt to burn down the other goat, but patriotic passers-by managed to extinguish the fire. They're pissed on it. However, the following day, the goat finally succumbed to the flames ignited by an unknown assailant at 3.50 in the morning. Shit! So, some people saved it,

but it burned down anyway. In 2009, a person attempted to set the southern merchant's goat on fire on the 7th of december and an unsuccessful attempt was made to throw the other goat into the river but the culprit then tried again without success to set the goal on fire but no one managed someone stole however the natural science club's goat using a truck on the 14th of december so they tried to throw it never was found they tried to throw it in the river. And it never was found. They tried to set it on fire.

They were unsuccessful, so they just stole it. Yes, right. Okay. On the night of the 23rd of December before 4 a.m., the Southern Merchant Goat was set on fire and burned down to its frame, even though it had a thick layer of snow on its back. The goat had two online webcams that were put out of service by a DDoS attack Oh my god Instituted by computer hackers

Just before the burning They're in on it too Oh my god In 2010 On the night of the 2nd of December Arstis made an unsuccessful attempt to burn the goat On the 17th of December A news site reported that one of the guards

Tasking with protecting the southern goat Had been offered payment to leave his post So the goat could be stolen via helicopter And transported to Stockholm How far was that? He didn't take the bribe. Both goats survived, were dismantled, and returned to storage for display in 2011. Oh, wow. So they didn't have to rebuild new goats. They could just use the old ones because they survived.

So the inauguration of the goats took place on the 27th of November in 2011. Firefighters of Gavler

sprayed the goat with water to create a coating of ice in the hope of protecting it from arson. This shining,

frosty goat. However, mild weather, unusually mild weather, melted the ice and the goat was burnt down! Oh, for God's sake. On the early morning of the 2nd of December.

It barely lasted at all. Jesus. The inauguration of the 2012 goat took place on the 2nd of December and it was burnt down! No! Ten days later. In 2013, the straw for Bill

was soaked in highly anti-flammable liquid to prevent it from burning down in the event of an arson attack. Try your best. However, it burned down on the 21st of December. And then the last year, 2014, three attempts of arson were made, but the goat survived. And it was dismantled on the 29th of December, where it was sent to China

and featured in prominent Year of the Goat celebrations. And it's still going around the world doing stuff. Oh, man. But what's going to happen this year? Well, we're going to find out. Burn down! Is it going to burn down? Is it going to make it?

If, you know, you're planning to see the goat see the goat, don't burn it down this year. Just let it stay there. It's a cool thing. I would say try and do your best to defend the goat, but I don't want anyone to get into trouble and get injured by trying to defend it from arsonists. No, don't burn yourself to death. Be very careful.

If it came down to it, it was you or the goat. You know, let the goat burn. What a nice message to finish. What a real true message of the Christmas spirit. Because Christmas really is all about goats burning. It really is. That's what it is. That's the message of Christmas.

I hope we've got that out there. The meaning of Christmas. It's a delicious, well done goat steak. Snake. A goat snake. A hairy goat snake. I think this has been a great podcast. I hope you've all enjoyed it.

I hope you've all had a lovely Christmas. We are going to go. I'm going to go and relax my voice now. I'm going to go and have an eggnog and drink some of the blood of Christ. The blood of Christ! And maybe listen to some cat music. Okay. Until then, I will see you next time.

Bye! Bye!