Triforce! - YoGPoD 8: Dave Yogpod

Episode Date: May 2, 2009

I am Dave! Yognaut Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello. Hello. Lewis, I'm not well. I think I might have swine flus. I ate some corned beef yesterday and I think I caught it from that. Stop. We'll start at the beginning. Stop. Stop. We'll start at the beginning. In the beginning, there was the Word, and the Word was God. And God made the yogpod on the seventh day. Instead of resting on a Sunday, he took the time to record a yogpod. I am God. That's what I'm saying. I'm God. Hi. Hello. I'm Zephos.

You're like Jesus. I'm sitting at the right hand of our Lord. You're listening to the Yoggpod. You're sitting on my right hand, and I'm gently fingering your anus. So I think I might have swine flu, Lewis. I'm not very well. What do you mean? I haven't been very well, and I think I might have caught the swine flu pandemic. What are the symptoms of swine flu? You don't feel well, and you start squealing like a pig.

Right. The thing is, it's called swine flu So you would think Okay Someone was working with pigs The pigs were a bit ill The flu virus Jumped from the pig to the person And he started infecting other people

But that's not actually what happened at all Because it It has nothing to do with pigs At all A pig has never had swine flu. So why it's called swine flu, I've no fucking idea. Right. So is this like the new bird flu? What's it going to be next? Cat flu? Cat flu. Penguin flu? Very dangerous. Oh man, I'm feeling a bit ill. Horse flu. I think I've caught flamingo flu. Well anyway, that's a bit of an odd start,

but we probably won't use any of that. What? First off, right, we haven't mentioned Tina Barrett for a while, and we probably should do just to check that's a good thing to check how our well I was talking I was thinking about you know harnessing the

power of our listeners blah blah blah getting them to like do stuff on the internet stalk Tina Barrett well like scroll

graffiti on her front door saying yog pod rules that would be amazing if you could do that that would be brilliant but I'm sure that's illegal and you graffiti on her front door saying, Yogpod rules. That would be amazing. If you could do that, that would be brilliant.

I'm sure that's illegal and you shouldn't incite people to do illegal activities. Sorry. Okay, don't do that. But it would be amazing if you didn't do that.

Don't do that. No! You can't do that. No! No! What? I'm not condoning it. Don't do it. Really don't do it. Don't do it, but if you do, if you do it would be really cool.

No! No! Anyway, so people managed to post on her MySpace, which was pretty cool. We enjoyed that, didn't we? We did Yes I gained a lot of enjoyment from this One of the other things we were talking about was That I entered a Blizzard competition To win

A Frostmourne sword And we were Discussing what we were going to What possibly you would do With a replica Frostmourne if you had one. Yeah, we recorded all of that audio and then you lost it.

Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, my idea was pretty much just to bury it in a local field and have like an old man find it with his metal detector and then like video that and put it on the internet. And Honeydew's idea was to have it in his...

What was it? Have it in the top drawer of your desk and use it as a... Letter opener. Yeah. Brilliant. That was all we could think of. We didn't come up with very good ideas, did we? Maybe our listeners have better ideas and they can send them in.

What would you do with a replica Frostmourne If you had one Email Zephos Lewis at hotmail.com I'm going to have to delete that Oh god Contact us through our YouTube page That's the best way to do it

Send me a message Yogpod at yogpod.com I don't know whether that would work us through our YouTube page. That's the best way to do it. Send me a message on YouTube. yogpod.com I don't know whether that would work. Probably not because we don't have that as an email address. Just send us a message through the YouTube page.

Send us a message through Tina Barrett's MySpace or her front door stopped in your own feces. Oh my god. Don't do that. Especially don't. Really don't do that. Can you imagine that?

If I had Frostmourne smeared in shit on her door. Oh god. Oh my god. I think we need to start again. Okay, we've done the warm-up.

Let's stay off of all things that are disgusting from now on. Stop. Stop. Just stop. I'm stopping the recording. Okay. Hello, and welcome to Yogscast. Hello, and welcome to the Yog. Hello. I'm Zephos.

And I'm Honeydew. Hi. Hi. How you doing? Should we be called Lewis and Simon instead? Well I don't know, you started it. You said I'm Zephos when that isn't actually your name. You know, you're lying to our loyal listeners.

We don't know whether I. You're lying to our loyal listener. I don't know whether I'm as much lying as... I don't like the name Lewis, I'm not a big fan of it, so I tend not to use it. What name do you prefer to use? Well I don't know, maybe I should change my name. What else could I have? I wouldn't have something as weird as Zephos, obviously. That's a little bit too weird. Well, you could do, to help promote the Yoggpod,

by depoll, you could change your name legally to Zephos Yoggpod. Wow. I mean, that would be pretty unique. Mr. Yoggpod. Hello, Mr. Yoggpod. It would be awful, though. You'd get letters through the mail, like, dear Mr. Yoggpod, you know, your interest rate on your bank account has gone down to 1.1%. It'd be like, oh.

So. You'd have to sign. It's like, you know, please sign here, Mr. Yoggpod, on your council tax. Don't you think that already, though? Oh. Oh, Mr. Lewis. You know, oh oh Mr. Louis oh no

not Louis oh awful oh the fact is that I'm always going to be Louis regardless of whatever happens

you know because even like famous people who change their names like Elton John and people like this and Bono

everyone knows their real names and they go oh yeah he's really called like what is Bono, everyone knows their real names. And they go, oh yeah, he's really called like... What is Bono's name? You don't know, do you? You're like, everybody knows, everybody knows Bono's name. I do know, I do. I'm just going to cut that out, I'm just going to cut that Paul's out. I do know.

Bullshit. His name's Paul, his name's Paul David Houston. Oh, of course, of course's Paul David Houston. Oh, of course. Paul David Houston. Of course it is. Paul Hewson. And Elton John's not his real name either. Reginald Dwight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I knew that. So you need like a stage name? This is one of the ones that I, you know, if I obviously ever write novels and stuff Max Power! It's something a bit more catchy. So what would you change your name to if you became successful? I don't know, but a lot of authors

are obviously changed to something, aren't they? Like, um... Dave Fuckface. Part of the problem is that there's a very, very famous sci-fi writer with a very, very similar surname

to me. Why can't I say my surname? I suppose I could, but people would like Google it and stuff. Yeah, people would find out where you live and they would smear shit on your front door. I heart yogpod. Okay, the... Apparently the deed poll offices are in Freeborn's Court, Witham, Essex. I'm sure that's just up the road from you.

Oh, it probably is, yeah. You don't need to talk to a solicitor or anything. Apparently you can do it online, by phone, by post, or by going to the offices in person. It says you need to show it to all government departments, companies and organisations that hold your personal records, instructing them to change your name. You can also apply for a new passport, driving licence, cheque book, credit cards etc. Do you see what I mean? It's such a lot of hassle, isn't it?

Yeah but I think you'd have a really cool name. Like what? Zephos Yogpod? I didn't even like the name Yogpod to begin with. What? I came up with that. You're saying you don't like it? It's a bit late now isn't it? I've done like 7 of the fucking things. Okay you've got to have one forename and one surname, at least. It has to be pronounceable. You can't just have a random jumble of letters. It can't be vulgar, offensive, blasphemous, or unsuitable.

I'm not sure what unsuitable quite means. I guess it can't be like exclamation mark, colon, like, at symbol, inverted commas, exclamation mark. Dave. You can't have that. Dave exclamation mark. That would be my name. That would be your first name. Wow.

No, my first name would be Dave, and my surname would be exclamation hyphen mark. So my full name would be Dave exclamation mark. Well, Dave! Oh, I see. It would be like a double-barrelled surname. Yeah. You have to shout your name because it's Dave exclamation mark.

Call me Dave! And what if it was like, what if you changed your name to Dave question mark? Dave? Dave? Question mark. Dave? Every time anyone called you for anything, they'd have to use that little sort of up sound at the end.

Imagine they were calling you for dinner or something. Dave, it's your dinner. Dave? Dave? Dave? Dave? No, no, no. Imagine, we need to think of a situation Where you're not asking him a question

Like Hello Dave Hello Dave Yeah see I mean It turns everything into a question But It's not inappropriate At any time

We need to like Make it What if there's What if there's a question mark At the end of the sentence So you're saying Are you alright Dave Does the question mark Cancel out the question mark at the end of the sentence so you're saying, are you alright Dave? Does the question mark

cancel out the question mark in your name, like two negatives make a positive? So would it be, you know, hello Dave? No. Hello Dave? A good example of this would be imagine

your friend Dave Dave? Dave? Imagine your friend Dave Dave Dave Imagine your friend Dave Dave He said We're going round to Dave's house Later

Do you want to come? It's even weirder If it's something like Have you seen Dave Recently Confuse people If it's something like, have you seen Dave recently? Confuse people about when the sentence actually ends. Apparently you can't use a title in your name, so your first name can't be Lord.

So I guess, can you call yourself something like Dave of like wherever he's from? Devon, Dave of Devon. Dave of Devon, Dave of Devon Dave of Devon Dave of Devon Well that would have another question mark on it What if you put a question mark on the Dave and the of and the Devon Dave of Devon The thing is Dave is Lord of Devon and he has changed the name of Devon by deed poll To Devon? The thing is, Dave is Lord of Devon, and he has changed the name of Devon by deed poll. To Devon?

So what, every time anyone was sending a letter to someone who lived in Devon, they'd have to put a question mark on the end of the word Devon? Yes. Oh my God. Fun names. Some people like the idea of having what we call a fun name we have issued deed polls for fun names such as jellyfish mcsavaloid toasted wow cake 1968 hong kong phooey daddy fantastic Daddy Fantastic, 118 Taxi, Tingaling, Huggy Bear,

Donald Duck, Jojo Magic Space Monkey, and James Bond. And Dave? This is so weird. It's very shrill when you say Dave, by the way. The most unusual name was probably Daniel West Fallen. Okay, that was his original name. Alright.

27-year-old from Hornchurch, Essex, who changed his name legally to Happy Adjustable Spanners. Is adjustable the middle name? Yes. Mr Spanners. Happy Spanners.

Happy Spanners. That's such a nice name isn't it that's a good that's such a good name maybe you should change your name to something like that i bet he was like i bet he was like a really big sort of six and a half foot tall man with like you know slightly sort of closely cut hair on his sort of you know quite pale head you know quite a big fat man with a big round face and he worked in a garage people like all right all right i'm happy spanners how's it going the ability to apply to change one's name from a computer or mobile phone at any time appears to have contributed indirectly to some of the more exotic name changes Despite the £33 charge That's all it is, £33 N Tom the Haymaker

Hey would you like to come back to mine 19 A student from Leicestershire Sorry, what's his name? N Tom The Haymaker Hey would you like to come back to mine Wow Hey would you like to come back to mine.

Wow. Haywood, you like to come back to mine. Wow. Apparently his name was Tom Haywood, hence the Haywood you like to come back to mine. He is broadly happy with his changed circumstances, though it has led to at least one awkward encounter with the police after his house was robbed. The WPC gave me a strange look when i signed my name he said happy adjustable spanners 27 oh god i want to hear what he has to say he doesn't actually say anything it just says

that's oh he changed his name under the influence of alcohol after a bet. Happy adjustable spamming. Wow. Okay, this is a pretty good story about changing names, right? There's a really, really piss-poor football team

called Lynham Athletic. So, in order to change their luck and to gain a bit of magic and mojo, every single member of the team changed their names. So they now have Ronaldinho, Ronaldo, Terry, Carragher, Gerrard, Rooney, Henry... Wow. What the hell Lionel Mathletic, what's it called? Lionel Mathletic, yeah

Wayne Rooney is the goalkeeper Holy shit Right Do they look anything like their namesakes? No No, not at all No, that's not the point They didn't

No they didn't like dress up And like wear make up To look like Why did Wayne Rooney Why did the goalkeeper Change his name to Wayne Rooney Instead of like Van der Sar

Or some decent goalkeeper And nobody had picked it I Who I would never choose I would never choose Wayne Rooney Would you I mean If you had to like choose Between Ronaldo Or Ben White I would never choose Wayne Rooney.

Would you? I mean, if you had to choose between Ronaldo... Or Ben White. Or Beckham, or someone like that. Yeah, I'll have that fat ginger guy who sleeps with old women. Yeah, that's my favourite. Oh, God. Shut up. IT worker Thierry Henry, 39, formerly Darren Yeomans.

Thierry Henry. He's not even black, is he? He is. Yeah, he is. Oh, so at least that was clear. Thank God for that. I mean, you know, they don't want to be that weird. I mean, I have to draw the line somewhere.

Exactly. You know, if you're going to, like, rename yourself as, like... Essien's back as well. Canu or something. You know, you don't want to be, like, a bit balding white man, do you? Well, yeah, I mean, you say that, but Terry is bald.

But he's called Terry, so it's not too bad. John Terry. Yeah, John Terry used to be called Ian Flack. Surely he didn't name himself just... Did he? Yeah, but he's now John Terry. Oh, oh Ian Flack. Surely he didn't name himself just... Did he? Yeah, but he's now John Terry. Oh, not in real life.

Oh, you mean the 39-year-old bald guy who's pretending to be John Terry. Well, I don't know if he's 39. I thought we were talking about the actual footballer, John Terry. I was a bit confused. Gerrard. Well, that's really good. Gerrard used to be called Conor Edgecombe.

Conor Edgecombe. That's a very English name. That's so weird, isn't it? Apparently, the day after they changed their name, they played a football team called the Iron Horse, and they lost 4-1 to them. Oh, no. Why didn't they change

the name of their football team to, like, All Stars United or something? Well, they can't... You know, they can't piss around with the team name, but they can piss around with their own names.

Why can't they piss around with the team name? Wasn't there a team that renamed themselves to, like... You were telling me about this, remember? To Manchester United. Account Networking... No. renamed themselves to like um you're telling me about this remember um to manchester united accounts networking no oh yeah yeah networking solutions yeah total network solutions i think

they were are they from swansea i'm gonna have to google it to check i get all the facts right fuck the facts we never really worry about that before. Um, oh no, no, it's, um, oh god, I can see why they changed their fucking name. They've changed their name back, now. But apparently the name of the football club is the New Saints of Ostrestri

Town and Clansandfred Football Club, which is a mix of English and Welsh towns that formed A football club But they were originally called Just you know as their short name The New Saints

So it was TNS The New Saints And in 1997 They won the Welsh Club The Welsh Cup Which is like their version of the FA Cup Which meant that they qualified For the European Cup Winners Cup

Which is a big deal And the local computer company Called Total Network Solutions Had a sponsorship deal with them For a quarter of a million pounds Which meant that they changed their name From The New Saints To Total Network Solutions with them for a quarter of a million pounds, which meant that they changed their name from The New Saints to Total Network Solutions.

Amazing. So they were officially known as Total Network Solutions FC for 10 years. On the Sky Sports Football Show, Soccer Saturday, T&S's name is gently mocked by the program's main presenter, Jeff Stelling At the end of the day's classified check if TNS have played and won at home Stelling invariably uses the now famous catchphrase

They'll be dancing in the streets of Total Network Solutions tonight A classic line The two towns that make up the team are eight miles apart. Isn't that odd? They're both such tiny towns that they needed two towns on either side of the fucking... One in England and one in Wales to make a football team. That's quite nice though, Unity.

A rare example of harmony in our turbulent times. Okay, here we go. This is the brilliant name change thing, right? George Garrett, a 19-year-old lad, he changed his name online for just £10. I don't know whether they had a special offer on. He said, I wanted to be unique and I decided upon a theme of superheroes. So he has changed his name legally to Captain Fantastic, Faster Than Superman, Spider-Man, Batman, Wolverine, The Hulk and The Flash combined. Wow. That is his name, legally.

That's a brilliant name. Wow. That is his name, literally. That's a brilliant name. Captain Fantastic, faster than Superman, Spider-Man, Batman, Wolverine, the Hulk and the Flash combined. Holy shit. You could like add more to that. Then again, I'm a bit conspicuous. Why has he got Batman in there and Spider-Man?

He hasn't even spelt Spider-Man properly. He hasn't got the hyphen in it. Spider-Man doesn't have a hyphen in it. What do you mean? Yes, it does. Spider-Man? Yeah. No one calls him that.

No, everyone calls him that. No. Because that's his name and that's how it's spelled. Just check it. It's not in the films. Yes, it is. Look at the films. The film Spider-Man.

And Spider-Man 2 and Spider-Man 3. There was no hyphen. With a hyphen. Spider-Man. That's how you spell Spider-Man. Oh shit. Yeah, see? See how fucking wrong you are. See how fucking wrong you are. Oh my god, I'm totally wrong. Wow, I've learned something today, although it is completely useless, as usual. Wow, I've learned something today, although it is completely useless, as usual. The Amazing Spider-Man.

That's what he's called. Captain Fantastic, faster than Superman, Spider-Man, Batman, Wolverine, the Hulk and the Flash combined. That is a legendary name, my god. What would you call yourself if you had to have a really ridiculous name? Jesus Nails. Oh yeah, Jesus Nails. Yeah, we knew that. That is a good one.

My friend Andrew came up with that. God, what do you think it says on his credit cards? It can't say all of that, can it? Maybe it just says Captain Fantastic. But, in... Even that's pretty good. In their fucking names allowed thing, they say that you can't have titles. So why is he allowed captain? I don't think you're probably allowed

the Queen's titles and things. It all comes down to the Queen, doesn't it? That fucking bitch. It does in Britain, yeah. I wonder if they've got a similar thing in America. We could offer a prize, right? If one of our listeners legally changes

their name to Dave Yogpod, we will feature them in an upcoming special Yogpod. They change their name to Dave! We don't want to make people

change their name to this stupid stuff. Yes, we do. Can you imagine? People would do it, though. We'd get some complete nutter doing it, and we really wouldn't want them on the show. Yes, we do.

The kind of people who would... Dave! Dave! People would be asking, The kind of people who would Oh dear Dave exclamation mark Yogpod People will be asking Dave exclamation mark Yogpod Why did you change your name to that Because I'm a fan

Of Simon and Lewis Zephos and Honeydew And their videos on YouTube And their Yogpod It's permanent when you change your name You have to go through all this rigmarole and, like, you know, change your stuff over. It's a lot of work.

Then, can you imagine, like, ten years' time when we've, like, you know, you've probably died of, like, you know, eating too much or something, and I'm, like, you know, sort of still here playing WoW on my own or whatever, not bothering anymore to make anything funny because you're dead.

You've got, like like a framed photograph of me next to your computer monitor that you wistfully look at and you talk to it

sometimes from time to time yeah and Dave Yogpod he's sitting at home

right with his like wife you know Lucy Yogpod and his young children

Christian and Lawrence Yogpod you know, Lucy Yogpod, and his young children, Christian and Lawrence Yogpod, you know, these two boys, and, you know, he's taking them off to school, you know, and they're like, Daddy, Daddy, you know, and, you know, they'd probably get called names or something at school, wouldn't they?

Well, they'd be called Yogpod. They'd be called, you know, because obviously, like, if your name's Lewis, you know, people call you Lewis Poois or whatever, don't they? Do they? Like Simon, they'd be called Yogpod. They'd be called, you know, because obviously, like... Poddy. If your name's Lewis, you know, people call you Lewis Poois or whatever, don't they? Do they? Like Simon, they call you... Simple Simon. Yeah, what did they call you at school? Like Simple Simon, Simon Lyman, like with limes.

What? That's a terrible nickname. Simon. Simon the Pyman. Simon Pyman, there you go. It's mostly Simple Simon. Yeah. Because I am simple.

Simple, Simple Simon. Ah. Anyway, what would, sort of, you know, I mean, they'd have problems with the surname Bjorkquad. It's not a nice... Lewis Poois.

I can't... You should change your name to that. So deep, Paul. I can't remember being called that, but I mean, I'm sure I was when I was very young. Infant school. Mr. Poois? The doctor will see you now.

Lewis Poois. Mr. Poois. So he definitely, he definitely wants someone to change their name. Oh, man. To Dave! Dave! Can you imagine

when he's like an old man as well? Or can you imagine if his son was very, very clever and did very well, Christian Yodpod, he went to Cambridge and in 20 years time he became involved with the Labour

Party or whatever and he became Prime Minister. Can you imagine? Prime yog wow that would be incredible i was thinking you know what if he got into the sciences and he became a physicist and he discovered a new type of radiation that that causes cancer wow yog pod radiation yog pod rays that is a brilliant idea is cancer. Wow. Yogpod radiation. Yogpod rays. That is a brilliant idea. Wow. God. There could be a mathematical constant named the Yogpod.

It would be like a measurement of stuff. And then, you know, it would be like in Star Trek. There'd be sort of, you know, Spock would be looking into the view screen and he'd be like going, Sir, we're getting a reading of 700 Yogpods from that vessel. Oh, wow. I think there should be a special name for over 9,000 Yogpods. Over 9,000 Yogpods.

A Yogpoo. A Yogpooist. yogpoo-ish. A yogpodplex. Wow. A yogpodplex. That sounds like a complex of things. Like a giant cinema that has a million screens. Yeah. That would be like in the future when the Yogpods like really you know famous

Will build like a shopping centre And it'll be called the Yogpodplex When all other forms of entertainment Have died out and all that's left Is Yogpods Yeah Oh god God help you if that ever happens

By the way. That's terrible isn't it? What a terrible thought. It's a terrifying image. What all the work we'd have to do. Oh god. Oh my god. Nothing would ever get done. When are they going to invent like... sexy robot women? Yeah, that's something we've been promised for a long time, along with jetpacks.

Yeah, where's my fucking robot girlfriend? Where's my flying car? Where is? Where is all this shit? I mean, ugh. It's the future, we have iPhones! You fucking scientists. God damn it. Oh dear. What if the robots though, they all have the same face?

All robot girlfriends. And the face is... Um... Ulrika Johnson. They all look like Ulrika Johnson They all look like Ulrika Johnson Sorry Sorry Start again

What was the question? Would you still have a robot girlfriend What was the really weird question? Would I still have a robot girlfriend If all of their faces were Ulrika Johnson? Wow. Wow. You've got to use that out of context.

Use that out of context in the Yodpod. Because that is just mind-blowing. How much do you think they'll be You know They'll be worth If you go into the How much will they cost? The Apple store And they've got

Robotic women The thing is Like the early models Are going to be quite chunky Size You know because You know the first I'm used to that

The first Oh dear The first iPods were like you know quite big How big would they be though? Are we talking like the size of a house? That would be kind of cool though If they were actually a house And you could like move into them

They got like a nice A nice bedroom, a nice lounge A study area Inside their giant Robotic cavernous vagina. My god, what? What? Why do I get the impression you're not giving me 100% of your attention, Lewis? Sorry, I'm just finishing this quest up. Yeah, it was my fault. I'm going to stop now.

Go, rewind a little bit back in time. What were you trying to say to me? Wow. I mean, that was very realistic. I think people would actually think that I had rewound you then. When it's just me making funny noises. Wow. It's incredible.

When it's just me making funny noises. Wow. It's incredible. Wasn't there a song where someone sang the entire song backwards? And when you play it backwards... Was it like Motorhead or someone? Or Iron Maiden or something? Well, there's something called

backmasking, I think it's called. Where there are hidden messages in music that are recorded backwards. So you play it backwards and you get the message forwards. So you get messages from the devil. Thank you, everybody. Kill your friends. Just like that.

Wow. Wow. Actually, I'm a bit worried of using that with our weird fanbase. Don't kill everyone. I don't see why we have to give this disclaimer. Don't smear your shit on Keenabarrows front door. Don't do that. Don't kill your friends, really.

Why are we having to cover ourselves with this stuff? Jesus. Oh, God. Also, our families aren't that weird. I don't think we should worry about that. Oh, man. Apparently, if you play Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin backwards, it sounds like... Roll Paris will come to your house.

No, Led Zeppelin. Apparently, it says... Yeah, but Roll Paris did a famous cover of it, didn't your house. No, Led Zeppelin. Apparently it says... Yeah, but Roll Paris did a famous cover of it, didn't he? It was like number one. Listen to this. Stairway to Heaven, played backwards, the Led Zeppelin original, says, If there's a bustle in your hedgerow,

don't be alarmed now. It's just a spring clean for the May Queen. Yes, there are two paths you can go by but in the long run there's still time to change the road you're on but that same part people claim that they actually hear here's to my sweet satan the one whose little path would make me sad, whose power is Satan, he'll give those with him six, six, six. There was a little toolshed where he made us suffer, sad Satan. Oh dear. I think this is one of those things where you watch a Russian dance song on YouTube

and they're all singing in some weird language and people have put subtitles on it. It was like a fad about two years ago. There were loads of them all over the place. Adam and Joe did one, didn't they, where they put subtitles over some songs

of praise episode. Oh, right, yeah. Woody Allen did that for a whole movie. I think it was his first movie. It's been done for a long time. Miss Her Lyrics or whatever. Is that what it's called? Something like that.

But I don't think we can... And even if... Even if... Led Zeppelin or whoever were saying, we need the W Satan, blah, blah, blah. It's total crap because none of this stuff exists, you know? Oh God, here we go. You're going on your fucking Dawkins deal with it. Fucking...

Yeah. Oh God. I don't... Some bollocks! There's no God! I don't see why people go on with the Top Guns. There's no God! You realise that you sound just as insane as a fundamentalist when you go on about this. There's no Jesus!

Like that. That's not what I do! That's what you sound like though. Like a crazed old man. Yeah, you sound like some fucking nutter. Going on, there's no god, there's no point to anything! Makes you sound like a nutter. Thanks man.

You're welcome. Lewis Pee-wis. Um... Lewis Poois. Um... Did you just insult my mother? Yes. If you play that backwards it says Lewis's mother has a cavernous vagina. Wow. I would have thought the robots

would have looked more like Nicole Kidman from that film where she was a robot. Do you remember that? And they took over. What was it called? She was a robot? Yeah, where she was a robot housewife. Oh, the Stepford Wives. Yeah.

I've not seen the remake. Oh, the Stepford Wives. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've not seen the remake. I watched the original ages ago. It's a disaster. It was quite good. The original was pretty funny. It's not supposed to be funny, really. I was thinking we should have like a weekly feature in the Yogscast where Varian reviews a film.

Because she seems to always talk about films she's been watching. So we could have a weekly film review by Varian. And we could ask her questions about the film and say, you know, is it worth going to see or not? And stuff like this. What do you think of that idea?

I think it's a terrible idea. Right, okay. Well, let's go with it anyway. Since I think it's a good idea. Sure. Yeah, why not? Let's go for it. Well, what else? Well, the thing is,

I was also thinking we should have, like, more maybe, like, a segment each week of focusing on a little bit of chat with someone in the guild. Like, you know, talking about Yowie or Mandos or Sips or someone like that, you know? Oh, Jesus. What?

What's wrong with that idea? I don't see you coming up with any feature ideas. What we could do is what we could have is we could have we could have Varian Varian doing film reviews and we can talk to Yowie about the economy or something. The economy?

Yes. So we've got a section about film reviews, we've got a section about the economy. Why don't we just get a sports section? You know, Mirrors can talk about football. No, he doesn't know anything about sports. You should have him talk about scientific discoveries. Alright, great scientific

discoveries. Instead of using a scientific journalist or something. We should just use Mirrors. As if we know any of them. What would Lamadia talk about though? What would Hannah talk about? Butts. no, relationships

and things like that, and girlfriends How to get a girlfriend She'd like, sort out our listeners' problems Yeah, okay If any listeners have got problems with girls, let's face it, you all have Well, just write in Maybe you're banging too many

and you don't know what to do So if any of our listeners Do have trouble with women And they want to hear From a woman How women think And what they can do To make themselves more desirable

To a woman Get into the mind of a woman Into the mind of a woman. Into the mind of woman. That's what we could call the segment. Into the mind of a woman. Do you want to do a jingle? Into the mind of woman.

Into the mind. Right, I'll put... Into the mind of woman. Why is that with a deep voice? Woman. Into the mind. Into the mind.

Of woman. Right, that's the jingle. There we go. And then we have Hannah. Hannah talks about... We'll do that next week. Oh, women like things like butterflies and strawberries and pink things and lace and cushions. Hope this helps. Tee hee hee hee. There we go. That's our segment.

That is a pretty standard female exclamation. Tee hee. Good. Well, we'll do that next week. Any other ideas for features? So we've got Into the Mind of Woman. Yeah. Yogi's economy segment. Why is Yogi going to talk about the economy? Because he works with an awful lot of money.

He does. He knows what to do with his money. Yeah, exactly. He goes clothes shopping about four times a week. That's what he says. He buys new clothes four times a week. We'll talk to Yohi about what to do with his money. That's what he says. He buys new clothes four times a week. The guy's loaded. So what shall we call that segment? Yohi's Economy? Um...

The Yohi-Mitsu Report? Something like that? Economy-Mitsu. Economy-Mitsu. Economy-Mitsu. Economy-Mitsu. Economy-Mitsu. Economy-Mitsu. Economy-Mitsu. Econimitsu. Econimitsu. Econimitsu.

Econimitsu. And we can have a very short snippet of Money by Pink Floyd. Dun, dun, dun, dun. Money. Dun, dun, dun. And that's all we can use legally. I was thinking of Money, Money. That's not the right song, is it, either?

Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight. No. Yo, he could cover that as well, to be honest. Alright, sorry. What's the Pink Floyd song? Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And it's got, like, jingling of cash registers and all that at the start. You must know this Yeah exactly Good right that's that one sorted out

That's two features we can do next week We've got film reviews Yeah We've got to make this sound as girly As possible I was thinking of doing like a Harry Hill style. Varian's film review of the week.

I think it's got to be something dainty and ladylike. No, but she doesn't necessarily watch dainty films. She was talking about Alien vs Predator the other day. Well, that would be good. That would be the change of gears between, that would be good. That would be, you know, the change of gears between the styles of the jingle and the actual content.

Would actually be quite funny. Love is like a butterfly. This is Varian's film review. Wow. Okay, I'll copy and paste that one. We'll use that Wow we've come up with some really good ideas here man We've got like almost got a plan

For once What about letters Or you know correspondence with our listeners Letters from the listeners Yes Yogg podettes Or something like that What could we call our listeners Yogg podettes is that like that Yogg What could we call our listeners

Yogg Podettes Is that what we're going to call them Yeah Oh my god What's wrong with that That is awful Yogg Podiers Like Rocketeers

Yogg Podier Yogg Podettes Pod No maybe Maybe it's like a The Podettes A pod Pod

Like an astronaut Like a podnaught Yoggnaught The Yoggnaughts The Y-naught. Yog-naught. The yog-naughts. The yog-naughts. What's wrong with that? Yeah, can we use that? Um, sure, let's go with that.

The yog-naughts. Okay, so letters from the yog-naughts. It's letters. Letters from the Yoggpod I hope that listeners realise That we're probably not going to use any of this Any of these ideas And that the next Yoggpod

Will just be the usual shit And will not contain any new features Whatsoever Because we couldn't be arsed to do it We don't. We don't want to set you up for a fall here. So don't get too excited.

How many listeners do we actually have? Is there something like 700 or something? Is that our number? Something like that, yeah. It's about 700, I think. There's like 2,000 subscribers. Why don't they all listen to the Yogpod? A lot of them can't figure out how to use iTunes and stuff. It's quite complicated.

I'm a Yogpod listener! A Yognaught. Use it. I'm a Yognaught and I don't know how to use the iPhone. The iTunes. I'm a Yognaught and I don't know what to use to iPhone. To iTunes. iTunes. How do you make subscription? How do you work?

I don't understand. Hello. I'm a Yognaught. Hello. What's your name? How are you as well? My name is Dave! Yognaught. I've fucked up. Okay. I've fucked up.

Okay. I've fucked up in the depot. It's okay. That can happen a lot, you know, because if your spelling or your handwriting's not very good, you know, you can end up with a different name than you picked. It's my brain. My brain isn't good.

It's not my writing. It's my brain. Okay, sir. Dave. Dave! Dave! Exclamation brain. Okay, sir. Dave? Dave! Dave! Exclamation mark! Yognort.

Uh, Mr. Yognort, it's very nice to speak with you. Call me Dave! How old are you? I'm 47 and a half years old. Yeah, that's exactly how old you sound. I didn't know you were still counting in halves when you were that old, though. Typically, you tend to only use numbers in the halves when you're about nine. How old are you, darling?

Oh, I'm nine and a half. Right, OK. It's like you kind of, you know, you don't. And then, actually, it makes a comeback when you're very, very old, doesn't it? Like old people say, oh, how old are you dm she's oh i'm 97 and a half years old oh my god i love that voice i love that voice that's wonderful my old woman voice hello oh my god my granny voice hello who's that this is. Hello? This is Maureen. Hello, Maureen.

It's good to hear from you. It's good to hear from you too, Maureen. Do you know where Lewis is? Would you like to come round for a cup of tea? A cup of tea? Have you got any digestive biscuits? Yeah. I like my digestive biscuits. Of course I have plenty.

Have you got any digestive biscuits? Of course I have plenty! Have you listened to the latest Yoggpod Maureen? Oh yes I can get it on the wireless On the wireless? Have you got a wireless network? A wireless router Maureen? Yes it's an iTunes My grandson set it up, His name is Louis Poois. He's got a lovely girlfriend, looks rather like Ulrika Johnson! Oh she's- Oh! Oh she's a lovely woman, Ulrika Johnson!

She's a- What happened to my voice there? What was that? What was that? Ulrika Johnson! I can hear your chin wobbling when you talk. I have to do that to do the voice, though. You have to move your mouth in such a weird way. Oh, right. Wow.

Let's just give up on that. Just give up. I don't know what we've done. I don't know. I have no idea. That's a new feature for the Yolk Pods. Stupid voices of the wee. Old people chat.

Old people chat. Oh, bloody Amore. Me hips are giving me such terrible jip. You seem to have aged about ten years since we last spoke as well. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm 47

and I'm... I turned into the fucking Storm Giant guy. What are you talking about? I'm 47 and a half years old! You sound like a storm... I turned into the fucking storm giant guy. Did you? Oh my... Yeah, the constipated old man. You started off as sort of a builder or a plumber or someone who comes round to mend sewage leaking out of your tap or whatever. Oh god, can you imagine if that started happening?

What the fuck? Oh, that's horrible. You're, like, washing your face. Oh, God. You know, you've, like, you've just got out of the shower and you're, like, you know, you're blinking a little bit in the sort of, you know, and you haven't got your glasses on and you're a bit thirsty, so you turn the tap on.

It's like, ooh, just take a nice mouthful. This water's a bit warm. Oh, no's a bit warm oh no why would you drink why would you drink from the fucking tap in the bathroom what's wrong with you don't you do that you're not supposed to drink from the tap in the bathroom that's the dirty no no no no no it's fine it's fine it's like two lines of water that go into your house. The clean, delicious water and the dirty filth water. Actually, there are.

And the bathroom has the dirty filth water. Do you know what those two lines are? They're the hot water and the cold water. Because you're not supposed to drink cold water from the hot water tap because it has been previously heated. Plumbing chat with Lewis! And it's more likely to

contain bacteria and stuff like this. So, newest weekly feature. Plumbing chat. Lewis talking about plumbing. Well, I'm quite knowledgeable, but no, I'm not. So, this isn't going to be a very regular feature. Well, I could find things to talk about. Plumbing chat,

if you want. But I'd rather, like, Dave. I'd love that. I would love that so much. Well, tip, tip, this week's plumbing tip, we might as well do it now, is don't drink cold water from the hot water tap, because it's more likely to have bacteria in it,

because it was heated to a to a warm balmy temperature and also your hot water tank is more likely to be impure and don't smear shit onto the barren store

don't do that and don't kill don't kill any of your family members or anything like that no what else have people learned from this episode oh yeah write in you know when Stan Collymore right Stan Collymore What else have people learned from this episode? Oh, yeah, right in.

You know when Stan Collymore... Right. Stan Collymore beat Ulrika Johnson. Now, for the people who aren't either 35 years old or British, Stan Collymore was quite a famous footballer back in the day. 90% of our listeners are from the United States aren't they they don't know who Monica Johnson is

oh she's sway she's from Sweden came to Britain and became quite popular as a television presenter about 35 years ago and she's sort of continued having a...

Why are you exaggerating? It's not that long ago. I think it is. But yeah, her boyfriend, who is a footballer, a very good footballer, who played for Manchester United at one point, beat her up. And this sounds terrible, but you can't help

but think, good for him. No, no, I don't. No, don't. I don't think so. Stan Collymore. If there was any woman that needed a bit of a slap, it was Ulrika Jonathan. I'm surprised he kept his name. Stan Collymore was the man you stepped on. Stan Collymore. I mean, that's the kind of name that I would associate with your old man voice, you know?

Maybe that was his real name before he changed it to Dave Yoggpod. Before I was called Dave exclamation mark Yoggnaught, I was called Stanley. Yoggnaught. I forgot about that already. Yoggnaught. Fuck me, that's a really good name. You've got to remember, We're calling Everyone who's listening To this right now

You are the Yognauts We will have forgotten Almost all of this By next week You know that Yeah By tomorrow We'll have forgotten

All Why are they calling Yognauts Why are they calling Each other Yognauts What's going on Why are we getting These messages

About Yognauts We should's going on? Why are we getting these messages about Yognauts? We should have some sort of secret sort of code. Well, no, this is something which Adam and Joe did, isn't it? No, don't copy Adam and Joe. If you're in a crowded place and

you want to determine if there are any other Yogpod listeners around you, yeah, Yognauts, you have to stand up, salute, determine if there are any other Yogpod listeners around you. Yeah, Yognauts. You have to stand up, salute. Yognauts. It sounds like a children's club, doesn't it?

It sounds like something you have to send off and get a badge for. Join the Yognauts. It's like 50 pence and you get a certificate saying you're a Yognaut and a pen. Look, right. If you want to find out if there are anyone's around you

who is also a Yognort as well as yourself you stand up you salute and you say I am Dave! Yognort you stand up and salute why do you salute and how is the salute executed I'd like to be interested.

Like Rimmers. You have to salute like Rimmer from Red Dwarf. So you raise your right arm around and spin it around as if it was some sort of wing mill and then slap it onto your forehead basically. Yes. With an audible slap. Okay.

And then you yell out, I am Dave! Exclamation mark! And then you yell out, I am Dave! Exclamation mark! You're ignored! And if you hear someone do this, you have to respond... You have to do exactly the same.

You have to just do exactly the same. You have to stand up straight. Do a salute. This is madness. This is madness. Just the thought, the thought of two people doing this

Oh my god Just like someone Someone doing it and then someone else Actually recognising what it was And then doing it in reply Doing exactly the same thing It's not even like a Marco Polo thing It's a Marco Marco thing

Yeah brilliant Wow If anyone of our listeners By some whatever bizarre coincidence Ever Sees anyone doing that And then does it in return Or if you get it done to in return

You have to contact us I mean People just make it up There's going to be no way. No. Yeah. It's not going to happen to start with. It's never going to happen. I just kind of like the thought of a socially awkward

15-year-old lad just standing up in the middle of a busy train station saluting. Or like in assembly or something. I have no exclamation mark, young thought. Young thought. Or like in assembly or something. I HAVE NO EXCLAMATION MARK YOGNORT! Yog-nort. Yeah, yog-nort, sorry. Oh it doesn't matter, we'll get used to that.

It's a new concept. It's mind blowing and we need to readjust our blown minds to this concept. I think that's enough. Save this recording, don't lose it. Don't lose it. That was very enjoyable.