Trillbilly Worker's Party - Episode 24: Seasoning Affective Disorder

Episode Date: September 8, 2017

It's a new season folks. Who's ready to get SAD. We talk about the related topics of poo, Peggy Noonan, and death.

Nah, dude got all the jazzy beats. You never responded to my tweet about you being a punk drummer. You didn't respond to my... Well, yeah, I saw that. It said I was a drug user. You're a time waster and a drug user. It made it sound... The way you worded drug user didn't make it sound glamorous.

You made it sound... I thought about that after. I was like, maybe I should take that down. But it got all the likes. He's the depressing kind of drug user, people. The kind that wastes time with his drugs. It doesn't do anything creative with it or anything like that. Terrence is riding

the Greengrass Express. Matt told you not to blow smoke around that. First of all, it's not smoke. It's vapor. Second of all, what Matt don't know, everybody just likes to pick on you, Tonya. The difference is that it's water-based as opposed to smoke,

which is like carbon and it's... Tar. Tar. Carcinogens of many kinds. Turn us on. We've got to go. We're already going. I gotta get in and you gotta get out.

You're like the Bart Simpson meme. You know when his granddad walks into the titty bar where he's like working the door no he walks right in he puts his hat up then he walks right back out when he sees bart yes that's you that's been me at a few parties recently oh god got things to do people to see god damn you're in demand. You're getting people flying you out to Chicago, multiple dinner offers all the while. Me and Terrence are jacking off to Sears catalogs. Here we are.

All along, y'all don't appreciate me at all. That's not true. That's so not true. That is not true. Evidence. I'm going to need to see some evidence. Strong paperwork. Oh, I thought you were going to show me evidence the other way.

No, we can't produce that. We're not. Other than the fact that we created this podcast and made you internet famous, there is that. I'm not internet famous. And if I am, I did it on my damn self.

No, we're like Kanye and you're like Taylor Swift. Oh my god. You made this bitch famous. I was going to be generous and say Nicki Minaj in the sense that we put you on. We're totally fucking with you. Yeah, we're totally fucking with you. All you do is fuck with me. Literally all you do is fuck with me.

Every podcast needs a Newman, though, you know? Are you talking about Seinfeld Newman? Fuck you! I'm not this Newman. Tanya throws the headphones down and walks out. You are Newman. Fuck. Trillbillies. She's gonna be...

I guarantee you she'll be part of the season of the bee coven before you know it. I'm dropping this. It'll just be me and you. Sinking ship. Talking about when Tanya, we had it all with Tanya.

Yeah, it won't be until then that y'all are real. Y'all know what you got until it's gone. Agreed. Well, that's alright. Then we can start our Frasier-themed podcast. Without new miles. I'm $5 a month and Patreon.

Right now we are Seinfeld themed. Are we? You just called me Newman. Are you a. Frazier is a whole different television

universe. No I said Frazier. I know. You called me Newman. Tanya. I didn't mean it. What was so funny

though was when like she said I'm not the Newman then pointed to me she's that kind of friend and this is evidence that listen I want to tell you something I ride for Tanya Turner but I do ride for you but I want to tell you there is

one whole you're like 99.999% the perfect girlfriend except for the.01% that keeps you from being 100. You're not that great of a wingman woman. You're pretty, you are a pretty bad wingman, wingwoman. How? I'm not going to argue this because I got blamed for this in college too because I lived with a bunch of guys and they're like we cannot get laid if you are going out

with us bitch this was a perpetual this has been a theme in my life I'm sorry tell me what's the situation if there were a gaggle of girls sitting around and they were talking about Tom Sexton which would never happen I'm just saying hypothetically.

Very hypothetically. The Frasier universe. But if that were the case, I got a feeling that here's what a good wing woman would say. Oh yeah, he's smart, cute, funny. Big old dick. But what Tanya

would say, here's what tanya would say no at motherfucker wouldn't tell the truth if the truth sounded better you can't trust him he's a drunk he's a gambler he's a womanizer it's not that we want you to lie it's that we don't want you to exaggerate some real criticisms of us but inflate them up into our entire essence. We just want you to mention a few good things about us and move on. That's all it takes. And omit the bad that you know about us.

This is the first legitimate critique of me I have ever heard from you two. I will not deny this. Everything is unfounded. I will not deny this. You are right. I could go easier on the two of you. You're right. You're right about that.

We're getting somewhere. But I recall where I think that you pulled this from is you and I were in the back of a cab in northern Kentucky after a Sturgill Simpson show one time. That sounds about like something I would have done. And I know where this originated right off the bat. And there was a girl that we hung out with there that was my coworker at the time that lived in Lexington. And you were like, man, you gotta hook me up with this.

You, what, like, help me out with this girl. And I said, Tom, I'm not hooking my friend. I like her. I with this girl. And I said, Tom, I'm not hooking my friend. I like her. I like this girl. That's what she thinks. I am not going to encourage her to go out with your sorry ass and the cab driver bust out laughing.

Do you remember this? Yeah, I remember that. He was from like Neon or somewhere. We ended up talking to him about Wattsburg a whole bunch. He was from Wattsburg. That is so fucking cold-blooded. And the cab driver was like, damn. But this is also,

also, this is like, Tanya is like a feminist and not the pop feminist sense of the word, though, too, because you actually care for your girl's well-being,

whereas if you were like a bro-bro, which you kind of are, too, you'd be like, nah, nah, yeah, do that. Make that horrible choice to hook up with Tom Sexton. You won't regret that tomorrow.

That's what I'm saying. I care about people. But I care about you all too. And I've also worked hard to get both of you out of bad situations with girls that you asked me to help you with too yeah that's true both of you have been down in very dark places and i have done all i could do to get you out okay that's where you lose me all you can do i stepped to the chronically crazy...

I can try and think of her initials. Whatever, I can't remember. Yeah, not important. I tried so hard. I literally tried to pull you out of that depth of despair so hard. It worked, apparently. Actually, no, it didn't. I had to pay off a goddamn judge to get out of that hole. I don't know what I could have done about that.

Well, yeah, there's not a whole lot you can do in the legal world. Strike that from the minute. Yeah. We'll give you that. I'll give you that. You've bailed me out a few times that were in pretty crucial ways.

I have took up for you all post breakups i've been like you know you're making you i understand you're upset right now but it's okay to just not be a good fit you don't have to damage this person's reputation i literally have had that conversation right that's true we've probably been and feathered and ran out of town, which has been particularly pathetic in my sense because this is my town. If you're blackballed from your own hometown, you got problems. Right, right.

Yeah, I am. Anyway, first dates. Oh, God. I didn't come up with a good one. Oh. We're in a pivot from there. I didn't come up with a good one. Oh. We're in a pivot from there. I didn't either.

Well, first off, let's say that the impetus for this story was an article you sent us from BBC. Possibly the best picture and headline I've seen all year. I'm still really trying to figure out what the hell happened. They look like something out of a horror movie. I know. I read it long enough that I think I got, I think I've cleared the full picture. So the picture was a woman squished in between a double pane, the two panes of a double pane window. That was the image. Right.

Thank God she was, wasn't she like an Olympic gymnast? That could have been a bad scene if she wasn't. It said amateur gymnast, which I thought at first was making fun of her for trying to get in between the windows. But I think maybe she was really an amateur. You thought it was like a snarky caption maker. The apparent amateur gymnast. But I think she really did. Maybe she really was an amateur gymnast because the rest

of the article is not snarky but that was at the beginning i thought oh this is gonna be this is gym gymnism was the noun of uh being in a state of performing gymnastics gymnastics i guess would be the the now well you know how like uh what was the sport called? I guess it's gymnastics. Yeah. Anyways, proceed. Yeah, watch it. So, the headline read, if I remember correctly, woman gets stuck in window trying to retrieve poo. Right. And since it's British, they put poo.

Yeah, poo, which made it so much better. Trying to retrieve a poo, was she? Oh, and the last part, it was woman gets stuck in window trying to retrieve poo after Tinder date. You know, here's the thing. I've got a hot take about this. I have no sympathy for

this woman. I have no sympathy for this woman. Big shocker. Because her actions, she could have been this woman. I have no sympathy for this woman. Big shocker. Because her actions, she could have been putting shit on somebody else. She was putting someone else's well-being and health and reputation

on the line for her own. You've never peed or pooped in a yard? A garden bed? Maybe when I was like 12. Never shit a yard. I would never shit in a yard, no. You never dropped shit on somebody's doorstep? When I was a teenager.

We were all 12 once. When I cared less for people's well-being. Well, so here's what happened, I think. They were on their first Tinder date, and they went out to dinner in a movie went well they came home according to the article for wine and a flick

so did that's what i said wine and a flick um because they were having a good time right and she was sitting there and she's like and she went to the bathroom because they had had dinner and so she had to shit because humans have to shit out what they eat, turns out. Weird. Women, too. How about that? I did not see that it said the toilet wouldn't flush. Did you just assume

that's what happened or did it say that? Because I read it and I didn't read that. Well, then why was she putting her shit out the window? I think that she was afraid to flush it or like smell. Now, if that's true, I'll retract my little smart aleck. The smell or whatever.

It did not say the toilet was stopped up. Maybe that had happened. But for whatever reason, she got her shit and tried to throw it out of the window. Her poo. See, this is where she loses me. Out the window. There's a social contract.

Never throw your shit on other people. Anywhere. Why throw shit anywhere? Why throw shit? Like, I hear you. I hear you. But can we not, like, at least make a small indictment on her frame of mind for actually being willing to did she touch

yeah let me finish the story and then we can then we can like break this down we're getting ahead of ourselves here because the our audience doesn't know what happened here they don't even know the ending they're they're on the edge of their seats right now so what'd she do with the poo she tried to throw the poo out the window and from what I understand it got stuck. Instead of going out the window, it got stuck and fell down in between two panes

of a double pane because the window wouldn't open wide anyway. It was not like it was like a weird, it's like a city kind of window situation. You know, like sometimes big city apartments have weird fucking windows. One of them weird city window things you're all the time reading about. This ain't your standard double wide window.

It goes up and down just easy peasy. It's one of them finicky Euro windows. Yeah, this fucking Euro window. And so the poop gets stuck in between the window and she goes in after it. So maybe there's some, you know, she wasn't going to just leave it there. So she went in after it. She got stuck. She was stuck with the piece of shit.

She got stuck with her own shit. In between the two panes? In between the windows. I say that's what she gets. Trying to get out the window. That's horrific. And the fire department, her Tinder date to the guy she just met and had come home to maybe fuck if the wine was good enough.

Had to call the fire department. What would really suck is if he had to suddenly take a shit and he was like banging on the door. Hey, what are you doing in there? What are you doing in there? I wonder how he would figure it out. And then he would have to take a shit in front of her while she's in the double pin window waiting yeah waiting for the fire department to get there so the fire department had to break the whole window out shattered the window and got her out of there safe and sound thank god

um but so this is what this what happened in our text message which is what you were getting at is i was like the real tragedy here is that this woman felt like she couldn't just shit in a bathroom without judgment right right which i thought was reached because like nobody likes to but it makes more sense now because you like to well actually me all the time wait wait wait for the listening audience who aren't in our group chat uh subscribe to patreon and we'll put you in our group chat you'll pay us to get you uh for the listening audience who wasn't in our group chat, you said it was because of all caps patriarchy. That was a joke.

When I type patriarchy in all caps, I'm obviously joking. You know I get triggered when you question male supremacy. And then Tom came in with the well actually, and I just sat back and watched it all. It's just like. Always. He always comes in with the well actually. I am not.

Okay, between the two of us, who's the most well-actually? Oh, now you're the friend who's pointing fingers. This is the episode where we completely fall apart. This is the episode. Fuck it.

I actually am. Well, actually, I am well-actually. All of your guy friends are actually the well-actually guy from time to time. It's true. They are. It's just in us.

Yeah. All right. Go ahead. So anyway, my favorite part maybe was the after story about how the two of them together to get the 300 euro or pound. They were in England, weren't they? England's pounds, right? Well, yeah.

300 pound or whatever the fuck The shit was 300 pounds To replace the window The shit was 300 stone They started This new couple By the end of the article They were going on their second date

That's the glorious ending here But they together Classic tale ofriarchy. Classic tele. They together. He's like, well, we've already been through so much. It's like when you get in a car wreck on your first date or something. It's intimate.

What did you say on your wedding day? Instant intimacy. I was looking forward to smashing and dashing, but you went and got your stuff stuck in the double panes with your own poo, and then I knew you were the one. But they started a crowdfunding page to pay for the window because it was like a funny story, and they needed 300 pounds, and they got 1,200 pounds like immediately.

What the fuck? They just got a ton of money because the story was so funny, and so then it even had an article. I'm so goddamn sick of hearing people making money who don't deserve it yeah so they they decided to donate the rest of the money to the fire department you know what i hate every person tell me that this isn't the best story of 2017 i will kiss your ass i did this is the best story my hot this isn't the best story of 2017? I will kiss your ass. This is the best story of 2017. My hot take is this is the worst story of 2017.

It's either the best or the worst. It ain't nowhere in between. Oh, my God. Wow. I loved it. Except for the fact that clearly this is just internalized demons she's dealing with here that she didn't feel like she could just shit and flush the toilet and then she got stopped up just be like hey i stopped i've stopped a plenty of toilet in my day and i copped to it god damn it i came

out i said where's you fucking who has a bathroom without a plunger actually this happened to me at willie davis's wedding oh yeah uh bethany was trying to hook me up with this cute bridesmaid a plunger. Actually, this happened to me at Willie Davis' wedding. Oh, yeah. Bethany was trying to hook me up with this cute bridesmaid of hers. She was like, no, you ought to be great. She was just building me up and all this stuff, like a good wing woman does.

Weird. And about about 12 maker's marks into it. I had to go take care of that Cajun dinner we had earlier. Went to the only bathroom on the premises. Went in there and blew that motherfucker's sky high.

I mean, it was not good. And then I walk out, and who do I see but a cute little bridesmaid that was supposed to be mine. And I looked at her, and I said, I'm just going to go ahead and tell you, it's not cute in there. She never spoke to me again. Oh, my God, really? But what do you do in that situation?

Like, she's going to see that I like. Classic case of patriarchy. Yeah. That's me. Classic case of patriarchy. Yeah. That's me. Men, man, the next thing, we've had mansplaining, manspreading,

now we're going to have manshitting, where men just shit all over everything. Literally. Literally. On the subway, on the sidewalk, in your desk drawer at work. We're going to be like ferals. You're just going to see me squatting down and taking a shit on your car one day, telling you then you're going to come up and say, what are you doing? I'm just going to hiss at you.

Men have been systematically driven back into their most primitive animal state just from confronting feminism. No! their most primitive animal state. Just from confronting feminism. I'd rather die than do that. Shitting and pissing all over everything. Eating dogs and cats on the street. This is too real to be funny. I'm crying. Literal tears.

Terrence would be living out of that Dairy Queen dumpster with those feral cats. And Leon. Me and Leon. Leon's like, hey, good to see you decided to join my walk of life. Terrence would be shirtless and covered in grease.

Dear God. Living under the bridge. Oh, shit. Wow. I feel like the actual pivot here is not to our living under the bridge oh shit wow I feel like the actual pivot here is not to our worst first dates but to the worst clogged toilets we can claim oh you got mine

damn dude damn there's really no way to no better way to ruin your first impression with a bunch of people involving shit. Yeah. Yeah. Um. Although, apparently, it'll get you a second date.

Might get you a second date. Might get you a second date. It has never gotten me a second date, I'll tell you that. You blown a few up? Uh, not a first date story story but i have two work stories one was my boss had a staff meeting at her house so there was like 20 of us at her house and of course i was driving the farthest to get there because it's in bria and i just think bria doesn't have good uh anything anything especially sewer system system and so I got there like 20 minutes

late and I had to shit as soon as I got there so I got there and I was like sorry I'm late guys where's the bathroom and I because I've never been in this house before and I darted to the bathroom stopped at the toilet I mean I plunged I did all I could do the The toilet was stopped up. It was awful. So I had to come out and face 20 coworkers, including my boss, and tell them that the only bathroom in the house for the next eight hours of our meeting was not functional. That's probably the worst. The only thing worse than that is if you did that to the president. Unless it's President Trump. But if it was a a really important powerful person but she had to go like spend 15 minutes in her upstairs

bedroom cleaning or hiding things that's what i like to think she was doing so that people could go upstairs through her bedroom and use her personal bathroom oh damn all because of you it was already i'd already stormed in late. Just complete mess. All because you didn't take your fiber. It was definitely a Hardee's biscuit that caused this situation. Oh, God. And my second work story, it was my first day on the job of a catering.

Have either of you ever catered? I have some of that pot. Pass your vaporizer down here. You gotta let it warm up for a second. Either of you ever catered? Had catering done or worked as a caterer? Worked as a caterer. Catered to somebody's every fucking whim.

No, I know you haven't done that. Your ass hurts. Well, catering is some of the worst work in the world because you're often dealing with rich people and the kitchens... Say no more. ...that you work in are tiny because it's...

Anyway, my experience, I catered for two years and it was awful. And one of my... It was like either my first or second night on the job. You know, you are cooking. You're like preparing and packing and bored like doing all this food in a very small kitchen built like a little building with no windows and there's a really small bathroom and i fucking stopped at the bathroom in the fucking kitchen the goddamn catering kitchen

oh my god so while they were making food, it smelled like shit? I'm going to suggest a hard pivot away from the shit. Let's do it. Let's do it. We're going to have to cut a lot of this, too. I hope that we can somehow splice together this and Tuesday's audio into something usable. So let's see what we got on the old agenda. This is getting worse by the minute.

Well, I have a new segment I want to try out. Does it involve your new Bible? It does not. This is not a Bible. It looks like a Bible. But yes, if this podcast keeps going in the direction it's going in, I'm going to start bringing Bible quizzes every week. Bible drills!

Bible drills. No, I want to start a new segment. I don't have a name for it. Of a grab bag of weird shit that I find at the Harry Cottle Memorial Public Library used bookstore. This is a great segment.

I was just there. Just now. Because there's some good shit. There's some good stuff down there. And anyways, I spent a lot of time down there today. You know, our office, the water in our office doesn't work. So as a result, I've been, because I have to like, you know,

pee and other things while I'm working, I need to have access to a bathroom. How long has your water been not working? A few days. Is it just your building

or is this a downtown issue? It is just my building. What are you looking at me for? I don't know. So I've stumbled across this. You get all the gossip. I've stumbled across this book that I wanted to read

to you all today. And you stole it. No, I paid for it. I did. Did you? Yeah. I always support my local library. I stole Magic Johnson's book about AIDS out of that library.

And I was going to ask you to bring that. Next time we have this segment, next time, you're going to bring Magic Johnson's book about AIDS. Spoiler, the only thing he really says to do is avoid having unprotected sex with eight women in a Las Vegas elevator. Oh, God, what? It's kind of like...

Anyway, we'll get to it next week. So this is a picture book we can all read. It's for children. It's called About Dying. Oh, my God. And it's a children's book? Yeah, it's an open family book for parents and children to go.

Is that a kid and a chicken on the cover? It's a dove. It'll get to the story. I'll get to the story. This was snow. Oh. And it's kind of, you know, it's hard to interact. I see where this is going.

It's hard for the listeners to interact because they can't see the photo. But just imagine a very cute looking dove. And three words. And her name is this. A dove. The bird. The peace bird. He was alive. And three words. And her name is this is a dove. The bird. The peace bird. He was alive.

He could fly. Jane and Eric could hold him in their hands so they loved him. Little kissing the bird kissing dove. Oh my god.

Kissing snow. One day he was dead. What the fuck? That's not Already? Already? What the fuck? The third page.

This book moves fast folks. You've got to buckle in. Are you fucking buckled? Because it's going to get a lot more fucked up. Alright? Already? What the fuck? The third page. This book moves fast, folks. You've got to buckle in. Are you fucking buckled? Because it's going to get a lot more fucked up. All right? Really? It will get more fucked up. It will get more fucked up.

Trust me. This bird's upside down. I can see its eyes. Why is its eyes open? One day, he was dead. It's fine. Y'all remember Snow from page one and two? Well, Snow's dead, motherfuckers, Snow's dead, motherfuckers.

He's dead, motherfuckers. His head felt too loose. His body was stiff. He was cold. He didn't move anymore. He was dead. And look at the picture on Eric's face. That is a dead bird.

Sounds like a description of my dick. God! Yeah, Snow is a metaphor for Tom's dick, everybody. You call your dick snow? Snow. Yeah, for telling everybody on Twitter that I have a Pierce Johnson, I'm telling everybody that your dick is now a dead metaphor in this fucked up picture book about dying.

You're not wrong, pal. Eric felt like keeping snow. He was interested in dead animals. Eric was a little fucked up. Mommy said he would smell awful. They would have to bury him. Here is Eric putting snow in moss. Eric was interested in dead animals.

So this little pervert wanted to keep snow even past... This is getting more fucked up. Oh, it will get more fucked up. Now, Eric, it becomes a serial killer? Just wait. You'll find out. Jane found a box. Eric wrapped snow in Daddy's soft handkerchief. Their brother Michael came to see.

Their friends came to see too. A lot of them are like, oh. They had a funeral? Ahead of its time in race relations, though. Right. Oh, yeah, there's some diversity here. Representation. I can't see for the mic.

So, yeah, they had a funeral. They dug a hole. They put the box in it. They covered it with dirt. They put a red flower on the funeral. They dug a hole. They put the box in it. They covered it with dirt. They put a red flower on the grave. They were socialist. The bird was dead, but the flower was alive. You think things are sort of looking up for Eric and Jane, right?

Yeah. Well, here we go. Eric started trying to look at Jane in the shower. Fuck. Do you remember how, quote, do you remember how you held snow in your hands so you could pat him, said Mommy? I remember when we got snow.

Grandpa gave him to us. This is interesting. Why would we introduce a character we haven't heard of yet, Grandpa? That's weird. Oh, no. It's weird. This was Grandpa who gave the children snow.

He drew pictures with them and smiled. He took them to the park. Why would we have another character named Grandpa? Let me see Grandpa. Let me see Grandpa. Did you catch a glimpse? And then he got sick. Then the grownup said, be quiet, Grandpa's sick.

Grandpa's laid up in bed. Grandpa died. I'm feeling sick. I, my God. Grandpa's laid up in bed. Grandpa died. I'm feeling sick. Man, I'm feeling physically ill. Mommy was crying because Grandpa died. Like the dead bird, he was put in a box. It was called a coffin. Eric wondered what he looks like now.

I don't know why that's there. He wanted to keep the coffin with Grandpa. What kind of little fucking weirdo is Eric? He wanted to keep the coffin with Grandpa in it. We need to talk about Eric. We do. They went to Grandpa's funeral and to the graveyard.

At the graveyard, the coffin was put in the earth and covered with dirt. They had to leave Grandpa there. Then Michael took a lot of Grandpa's things and ate all his cookies too. But had to leave Grandpa there. Then Michael took a lot of Grandpa's things and ate all his cookies too, but he still felt empty inside. What in the fuck?

What? This is our dark episode. I'm back in the captain's chair, so I'm back. Steer us, Captain. You thought this was an upswing from shit stories? Please take a picture of that and let that be the album art for this.

All right. He still felt empty inside. Please take a picture of that and let that be the album art for this. Alright. He still felt into him, son. Jane was mad at Grandma for dying. She teased and tore things up. Then she cried and cried and cried. There she is tearing shit up. This is awful. This is weird.

Jane played making graves for dead bugs. She made beds for them to sleep in. She filled little shells with water and food. She wished the bugs would be alive and eat and see you move, but she knew they were dead. Look at this. This is fucked up. Like, uh, Eric standing at a window.

We can skip through some of this. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's creepy as shit. One day it was raining, Eric said. One day it was raining, Eric said. Why do only men have black umbrellas? People wore black clothes when grandpa died. Black made Eric worry about dying.

I could see the torment on his face, honestly. He was worried about dying. Yes, mother, can I have a red umbrella? He's like that protester, the umbrella man who was in the JFK assassination. Oh my God. He's protesting the war effort. He's protesting Neville Chambers. He's protesting Neville Chambers' appeasement policies at the UN court.

The red umbrella man will say, After a while, the sun came out, the children went to the park. Grandpa wasn't there, but they could remember when he was. And that's it. That's the book. Who wrote that? It was written by a woman named Sarah Bonnetstein. She has an extensive

background in education as a consultant, writer, and designer. Does she? The Open Family series has grown out of a lifelong dedication to child psychology. That's what this is. I'm afraid Eric grew up to be my stepdad. And all of his fucked up issues.

Seems like an origin story of a guy I know. He'd carry around a red umbrella. Jesus. And then Eric kept offering me pizza and wine coolers. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Wow. Well, anyways, so that was one book I got.

I got another one, too, but we don't have to go there if you don't want to. I don't know where go there if you don't want to. I don't know where we go from here. It has some fun little games, sort of like the one we did that one time about the Oriental. Games that are supposed to make you think about real hard issues. You want to see it?

Yeah, sure. I've got a bag here. This one's called Computer Crime. about real hard issues. You want to see it? Yeah. Bring it out. I've got a bag here. This one's called Computer Crime with Robert L. Perry. Oh, this ought to be good. Yeah, it's written in 1986, so it's pretty badass. Computer Crime in 1986? Yeah, so it's totally ahead of its time in some ways.

All right. So this chapter wants you to think about the idea, to think about the ethics of hacking and about engaging in illicit activity on your computer. Man, there was illicit activity in 87? I'm sure people were sending... Did the deep web exist in 87? People were sending each other dick pics,

but they were like one and zeros. They were just sort of like dicks that had been on the old printer paper when it wouldn't make it. Yeah. Terrible joke. Really bad joke. These are pretty tame.

The first one's pretty tame. The second one's kind of good. In the movie War Games, the main character tried to get into his school's database to change his girlfriend's biology grade from an F to a B. He's being a good supportive boyfriend. Good guy. Good guy.

In the movie Oxford Blues, a desperate student paid a computer hacker $1,000 to break into a college's rating system and move his name from a low position on a list of students to the second position, so he would be accepted at Oxford. Did both of these students commit crimes? If you think they did, why?

If not, were they morally justified in their actions? Was one or the other justified? Why? It looked like you had something to say there. Sometimes when I see your hand doing this, I'm like, Tom's got something good coming. No, I don't have anything good coming. I was just lost in thought.

What's crazy is I just finished a book last night that talked a lot about this movie, War Games. Really? Yeah. So you have some insight into this that you can help us with. I've never seen the movie. Oxford Blues.

So these are real movies? Yeah. Yeah, no, I think what it really wants you to do, though, it really wants you to ask if him breaking into his girlfriend's school database to change your grade is fucked up. It's not fucked up. Right, I say it's cool. Supportive boyfriend.

Nothing to see here, really. Like I said, that was pretty tame. But this one I thought was kind of interesting. This one was kind of one of those where you read it and you're like whoa how do I feel about this how should I this is challenging my critical thinking

you better strap in alright Deborah found herself in a dilemma because of her knowledge of computers her father a doctor had purchased a computer to store his patient records deborah had done well in computer classes at school and her father asked her to help him set up the system as she was setting up patient records and entering information she stumbled upon some startling information the mayor of her city who was a

patient of her father's had had an incurable disease. However, he was running on an election. He was running for election on a platform of being fit as fiddle and tight as a drum. All smoking mirrors. This was 1986. Debra knew

that the mayor was misleading the public for his own private and political reasons. If re-elected he could resign and name his successor deborah also knew that medical records were confidential but she was not a doctor nor was she technically her father's employee not to mention like hippocratic oath but like whatever should deborah let it be known to other people that the mayor was not in good health but in fact was more than oh this is asking you should deborah let it be known to other people that the mayor was not in good health but in fact was more than... Oh, this is asking you. Should Debra let it be known to other people

that the mayor was not in good health, but in fact was more likely to going to die within months after the election? Should she stay silent? Should she tell her father what she found out and ask him to persuade the mayor to make it public? Does she have an obligation to public... Anyways.

Is her father Donald J. Trump? Yes. I feel like when somebody comes on the offensive and is like, no, I'm fit. I'm fit as a fit-like kid. Motherfucker's good as dead. Yeah, right, right. Fit as a fiddle, tight as a drum.

It was one of those things that it makes you ask, if I was in that position, I would be serving the public good. However, I would be violating my father's trust violating my father's the patient's trust with my father violating the hippocratic oath you're violating several things but you might be protecting society you know it's that classic like ethic uh question of ethics like

um what's the one where they have a train going at a fork in the tracks, and one person is supposed to... Have you guys ever seen this? No. Oh, no, I know what you're talking about. Can you kill one person or two people? Right, right, right.

If you don't act, multiple people die. If you do act, one person dies. But then that one death is on you because you made it happen. Right, right, right. This is sort of like the oriental, this is sort of like the oriental one that I brought up. What do you do?

You know? Well, I'm all about, I mean, I've long narked on politicians, so I think we know where I stand here. Yeah, I think really what it comes down to. I'd have to look at his policies and pretty go on. so I think we know where I stand here. Yeah, I think really what it comes down to... I'd have to look at his policies and pretty go on. Why is he staying on the fight for 15?

He's spoken like a man of rationality. What if he's Bernie Sanders? Or what if he's the lonely person sticking up for DACA? Right, right, right, right. Lonely DACA supporter. Yeah, like, maybe the daughter's just a huge, she's got a huge stick up her ass. Maybe, like, this guy's the shit.

She's a young conservative. Yeah, she's Peggy Noonan. Yeah, she's Peggy Noonan. I should have brought that book. I thought you were. Oh, God, that wasn't going to go. I was thinking about it, but at the last minute I decided not to. Just know that, that wasn't a good one. I was thinking about it, but at the last minute, I decided not to.

Just know that if you are an AmeriCorps member, that you will be issued a book written by Peggy Noonan on how to speak well. Right. And I read... AmeriCorps. You know, it's funny. There's a lot of hilarious anecdotes in there,

but a really funny anecdote in that book. I was just flipping through it today since I had it on my desk. She talks about speech writing like it's a super human trait or something like that. Speech writers are maybe the dumbest fucking people. Yeah. Literally. Right. Like, they only know how to speak in platitudes and all this other stuff.

You know, they have no brain. And, like, decorum is way more important to them than actual policy or anything else. Right. Like, Jon Favreau, the Obama speech writer, like, after the Charlottesville thing. Or, like, David Frum would be the best. Davidum right and are they currently constantly just testing things out and balancing numbers speech writers yeah what kind of what do you

mean like they I mean like Clinton's campaign she didn't say anything right hadn't been tested on an audience for feedback. Yeah, I know what you're saying. Focus grouped. Boy, did they botch it. Yeah. Well, so, anyways, where was I going with that?

So, she talks about speech writing like it's a superhuman trait and all this. But one of the best stories in there is, and this is not going to be funny for me to recount it, but one of the most ridiculous stories in that book is she talks about springing into action after the Challenger explosion. And you had to,

President Reagan needed to say the right thing at the right time. You know what I mean? Like, she was, like, headed down to a science. Can I ask y'all a question? Have you all ever taken solace in any fucking thing a president has ever said? No. Like, really? Have you ever been moved by it?

Like, you know it's just fucking platitudes. I mean, maybe when you're young, you might eat that shit up. But in your adult life, has any politician, like sitting president, ever said anything that you're like, oh, well, that gives me hope. Right, right. No. I'm gonna have to go with Joe. But these people probably do. Like Peggy Noonan and fucking John Favreau

and them, they probably they probably like fucking beat off to all these tropes. It's true. It's true. They really do. But it's because it makes them money. Yeah, that's exactly right. Getting paid.

These are the people that write the same fucking piece every year about like shit, like fucking God damn, I'm hiring groceries.

Well, what's sad is that I think that's legitimately what some people think a president is. Yeah. Someone who does like after um the state of the union because yeah the state of the union wasn't it van jones that said well finally trump's a president now that was a presidential fuck out of here you're right you're right yeah but they're obsessed with that, and I think that they're also, like, obsessed with this idea that, like, they write these same fucking think pieces over and over again about bringing the country together. Like, that's just, like, does that not make you all mad?

Like, it makes me like, like, we need a unifying figure. When the fuck have we ever needed or had a unifying figure? Right, right. Well, I don't feel like Trump's trying to be in a unifying figure. But these people fundamentally misunderstand what politics is about. You know what I mean? It's about a constant struggle. Well, and the funny thing is that, you know, yeah, I don't know like back in the day like in the 80s um it's interesting to sort of

when i was reading that book and this probably doesn't elevate the conversation at all but like computer crime i was reading computer crime uh and um And those people, like Peggy Noonan, like the Peggy Noonans of the world were the Jon Favreau's of the world. You know, like they, like the right wing at that time, the conservative Republican Party was pretty liberal, you know, in modern day standards. The country has gone so far right

since then that even Peggy Noonan and people like that I think are just totally scratching their heads at Donald Trump. Which is pretty fucking hilarious. Because at the end of the day that's all it ever was. It was just norms. And it just really eats up people like Peggy Noonan. As you can tell in her

book On Speaking Well. Which I should have brought with me. But anyways, if you're wondering why we're talking about Peggy Noonan, I'm not really sure. She said some dumb shit. Didn't she recently say something real crazy? I think she said some dumb shit today, but I didn't pay attention.

It was in one ear, out the other. I thought you sent it to me. I sent a screenshot, but I didn't even read it. Okay, good. You've stopped doing your own guy homework. here at the other i thought you sent it to me i sent a screenshot but i didn't even read it okay you've stopped doing your own guy homework this is what this is where i'm at right now at the internet i just mindlessly scroll through i just take screenshots of things i think are funny like and i didn't even fucking read the things i'm screenshotting anymore and i just sent it to my friends like,

this is the stupidest fucking person ever. This is fucking dumb. I've become so inured. We could not be more useless. You can shitpost your way to being a dullard. Like literally. This is you crouching and shitting on cars via the internet. Yeah, right.

He was hissing. Crouching and shitting on cars. He was shitting and hissing all over the internet. Oh, shit. I like that Ed Terrence is a feral boy. Yeah? It's kind of funny.

Just like living in trees under bridges. Do I look feral with my hair like that? I feel like, wait, like now your scruff is getting to look normal, but when you first start growing out your beard, you look kind of feral.

Because it just sticks straight out, you know? It's just like barely. You just look like you just have been in the dark for a few days and you just came outside. Right, right. I'm really bad at growing beards. It's just like it kind of feels natural once it starts to cool down a little bit, you know?

beards. It's just like it kind of feels natural once it starts to cool down a little bit, you know? You know, in the summertime it's really hard to have hair on your face because it's so goddamn hot. But yeah, no, I feel like as it cools down a little bit

I'm feeling a little more in the mood to grow a beard. And fuck. And fuck. Yeah, whatever. I'm feeling a little more in the mood to grow a beard. And fuck. And fuck. Yeah, whatever. No, I feel like it's the opposite. I feel like dudes want to hook up all summer,

but then it's not until the fall that girls want to shack up. Because then it's like. Really? Yeah, don't you feel like that? Why is that? I don't know. I feel like we have different seasonal times. No, I think it's because there's more indoor time. It does kind of feel like the whole...

Once it starts getting cold outside. Right. It does kind of feel like the whole signifier pumpkin spice is meant to appeal more to a femme audience. Doesn't it kind of feel like that to you? Yeah, but everyone should enjoy pumpkin. You're right, but maybe that's why...

I'd have mega pumpkin. I don't, but maybe that's why... I'd have made good pumpkin. I don't think pumpkin spice has anything to do with sexual prowess. To use a sexton word. Spice. It's funny you say that. I had a joke I came up with the other day. Seasonal depression, more like seasoning

affective disorder. Shit, I fucked it up. Seasonal affective disorder. Seasonal affective disorder. Shit, I fucked it up. Seasonal affective disorder. Seasonal affective disorder, more like seasoning affective disorder. I'm literally the stupidest person alive. I'm the stupidest person.

Would you rather live in a world without speaking of seasoning, would you rather live in a world without salt or a world without pepper? I use pepper more, but I think it's because salt's already in everything. Could you imagine how funny it would be to live in a world without salt? Like the oceans would just have pepper flakes in them.

There would be like pepper mines and shit instead of salt mines. You'd have to work. I worked in a pepper mine for 40 years. I can't open my eyes. What is pepper? These every day. Is it brown? I have peppered lungs.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I don't know why I find that so funny. It's hilarious. A world without salt. If you're prepping for a world without salt That means you're a pepper You're a pepper

Instead of a prepper You're a pepper That's so fucking stupid We've jumped the shark Folks we've jumped it We've jumped seven sharks Think about it It's a very provocative question

Oh shit None of us would have been here Seven sharks. Think about it. Think about it. It's a very provocative question. Oh, shit. None of us would have been here because all of our ancestors would have died off from eating rotten meat. Yeah. Without salt. I already told you I'm stockpiling salt. The meat is too peppered. My meat is too peppered. It's not preserved enough.

It's too spicy oh shit shit shit do we have an episode we got one sure fuck yeah let's just hit the stop recording button on this motherfucker let Tanya get to her date

and uh it's probably they don't think it's a date I only think it's a date I only think it's a date well I'll give you the report back see how much of a date it was

you hang in there yeah do your thing do your thing homie somebody do you somebody will appreciate you

I know I'm trying to do someone else I've been doing me the best advice the best the best advice you can give anybody is do you. I agree with that. It's circular. You don't have to

actually say anything profound. Just be yourself. You're making it sound pretty cheesy. It's your world, Tanya. We're just paying rent. What do you mean I'm making it sound cheesy? Do you? That's cheesy? I feel like. We're just paying rent. What do you mean I'm making it sound cheesy? Do you? That's cheesy?

I feel like you're doing the Fonz. Hey. We jumped the shark, and we're doing you. All right. Well, goodbye, folks. Thanks for joining us this week. Hopefully we have a show for you next week. When I look out my window So many sights to see

And when I look in my window, so many different people to be, that it's strange, yeah, so strange. You got to pick up every stitch You got to pick up every stitch You got to pick up every stitch Hmm, yeah Must be the season of the witch. Must be the season of the witch. Must be the season of the witch. Mmm, yeah.

When I look over my shoulder What in the world do you think I see Some other cat looking over his shoulder Looking over his shoulder Looking over his shoulder at me And he's strange, yeah Sure he's strange You better hear me now You've got to pick up every stitch You've got to pick up every stitch.

You've got to pick up every stitch.