Trillbilly Worker's Party - Episode 28: Pet Psychics (w/ special guest Brandie Posey)

Episode Date: October 6, 2017

Stand up comedian and friend of the show Brandie Posey (@brandazzle)stops by the studio to talk Hungarian villains, wi-fi networks in spy neighborhoods, and of course pet psychics.

So, you know, this weekend when I was making up really dumbass characters, Tom? Yeah. So, you had Ravioli Shankar? Let's save that. Let's sit on that for a second. Let's just chill for a minute. Ravioli Shankar. Let's just hang out for a second.

Let's wait till we get there. Is Ravioli Shankar a New Yorker Italian or an Italian Italian? Is he like, Armando, come here, I play sitar. No, he's a New York Italian. Regular Italians aren't funny. Hey, come here, I play you some sitar. Sitar. I don't really know anything else about Ravi Shankar's character

that I could translate into the Guido thing. Right. Do you think there's ever been anybody in the history of mankind named Jack U as his middle initial, Lation as his last name? No, I guess it would be like, his first initial would be E,

Jack, and his last name would be U-Lation. Nah, I don't think that's ever happened. Is that a play in the rice log? He's a professor of, he studies TNA instead of DNA. He studies under Dr. Poon. He's got a real master's. He's got a master's.

In Bader. Yeah, he's got his master's in Bader. We were talking about Terrence's characters that he made up this weekend on this trip we took. One is called Ravioli Shankar. Yeah. He's like a sitar player, but he's like a guido. He's a guido sitar player.

Can I hear a little bit of that? Take it away, maestro. I guess he would have to be New York Italian, right? Hey, come in here. Play a little sitar. I can't even hey you got a goal yeah throw that on the couch I'm gonna keep using it there's too much going on throw it away yeah damn you're dialed in to the eight hour meeting today seems like a damn I'm in an eight hour meeting today. Seems like it. Damn. I'm going to order

all this shit on Amazon Prime to try to get it one day delivered so we can do all this shit on Thursday. It's going to be fun. It's going to be all right.

What's going on Thursday? Should I know this? Yeah, what's going on Thursday? No, no, no. It's just donor stuff. It's not anything. Gotcha. Wow.

Nothing fun. But. Moving right along But Moving right along Moving right along Just work shit Which is Over thank god Cause Brandy's here

Yeah We're gonna have a fun night I can't wait We're gonna have a fun night Brandy Posey in the house Is this gonna be All ages do you think I'm just wondering

I mean Oh yeah It's probably good to know I guess We'll gauge the crowd We'll see I mean we're still Moonshine. They should know what they're getting themselves into.

They should know what they're getting themselves into. Cool, cool, cool. I'm not like a horrible, filthy comic or anything, but there's just a couple of jokes that it's like, kids shouldn't hear this. Yeah. I mean, we could announce from the stage, like, whatever it is. We'll work it out later.

What's the advice? It's all good. Parental advisory? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm probably a PG-13. Yeah, just say that. Just say that on the stage. This podcast is definitely whatever's beyond rated R,

but the funny part about that is that this really, probably the largest circulation newspaper in the state wrote a story about us and didn't include that detail oh no that it should have said not safe for work do not send to your boss so i'm wondering how many like wine moms like hillary clinton wine moms you got who are like at least one because she left a review for us on iTunes that said. Apple girl. I love reviews that always start off with the sentence,

I tried, I really tried. That's what this review started out as. Best. There's nothing better than some hate mail every once in a while. I really tried. The best part though is you did a bit about somebody has exhumed their dead father and gave him a blowjob.

Right. That wasn't what did it. It was just talking about giving blood. Yeah, that was the... It was just like, oh, this is too much for me. Yeah, we were just joking about how when you give blood, they ask a lot of questions. Like nobody's assholes ever got a tie getting an HIV test.

Like, yeah, that happens to everybody, right? In the hierarchy of bodily fluids, blood is probably at the top of grossest. I don't know. That's usually what- Oh, I don't know if that's true. I don't know if that's true. To other people, maybe not.

I don't know. For me, it's spit. I hate spit. Spit trumps blood for you? Spit trumps blood for me. What's in your spit? I don't know. I just would rather be bled on,

cum on, peed on, or pooped on rather than spit on. All of those things actually transmit disease. Saliva, however, does not. Yeah, dads, you can get like mono. Can't you get mono from saliva?

Well, mono's not a disease you can't get rid of. Tanya in her sex ed class likes to throw this curveball out. What's the five bodily fluids that transmit disease? And you're always stuck on the fifth one. I mean, I'm saying tears, whatever.

And then she goes, pre-cum. Oh, so you count pre-cum and pre-cum separately. Yeah, as we all should. Which is dumb. Which we all should. They are different fluids. I want to know why. They come at different times.

They have a different consistency. One has sperm, one doesn't. Different viscosities. Yeah. They're two different bodily fluids. Actually, the curveball. Right, more viscous. You could skid the rails on a railroad with pre-cum, but cum would really slow a train down.

Slow a train down. Yeah, true. I was picturing one of those slip and slides. You're right. Not a train, but with a gator at the slow train to a hole. I was picturing one of those slip and slides. You're right. A train, but with a gator at the end of it. Stopping a train with cum would be pretty fucking

villain-esque. He's done it again. Like mad villain. Dr. Poon. Dr. Poon. Struck again. And his mad evil sidekick, E-Jack Ulasin.

Ulasin. Ulasin. He's Hungarian. Eastern European. Dr. Ejak Ulasin. I don't know if that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard or the funniest thing I've ever heard. The real curveball, though, is breast milk. No one ever gets breast milk Which is another bodily fluid

That is pretty gross I refuse to believe anybody ever caught anything off of teddy milk Babies Women transfer Their shit to babies This way I refuse to believe I think I just don't know

The 70s was a wild time for garnet sex Oh were you breastfed That's my mom Yeah Can you Can you Can you look at somebody Tell if they were

A teddy baby or not Can you Was I Can you look at me And tell that I I was a teddy baby A little on the scrawny End of teddy baby

But teddy baby Nothing to lose Weaned quick end of teddy baby, but teddy baby nonetheless. Weaned quick. Weaned a little too early. You didn't make it the full whatever. Yeah, yeah. Are you a teddy baby? No, my mom said when I asked her this, she said, I was trying to do shit.

She said, I had a life still. And she said back then they didn't know how good it was for the baby. She said, they didn't know all that stuff back then. So there was like a curve where like for thousands of years, it was okay. And then for like in the 80s, they were like. That's probably not that. And then it went back. This is just one of my mom's many scapegoats.

A half-ass parent. Amazing. Brandi, where do you fall on this? I just metats. A half ass parrot. Amazing. Brandi, where do you fall on this? I just met you. I have no idea. It's a mystery. It's an absolute mystery. I'll never know the answer to it.

Gosh. No, no. I mean, what do you think? You think you can tell? We just met. Tidy baby. Tidy baby. Tidy baby.

I mean, thank God. You just know. You just know. You just know. It's just my posture. Real recognition. My bones are strong. Right. That's a strong skeleton.

You ever think about the skeleton of a baby? Yeah. I do that quite a bit. I do because. So small. I've been in the car for eight hours today. You have to think about a lot. A lot to think about. You know, they have those viral pictures of babies

before their teeth grow in. They got two sets of teeth, and it's absolutely disgusting. It's crazy looking. Yeah, it's pretty crazy looking. Sorry to bring up baby skeletons, guys. Weird little parasitic. I always, yeah. I don't know.

I was imagining a baby skeleton with a tail Coming off of it Vestigial tail Just hanging out Well our friend's kid She's seven and she's got all of her baby teeth And then her big teeth are coming in But she refuses to let anyone pull her baby teeth

So she is just like toothy as shit right now And I'd hate to see An x-ray of that kid right now. She has just teeth on top of teeth. Like a shark. Yeah, shark face. Yeah. Damn.

I only have one wisdom tooth and it never dropped. So it's just like up here in my cheek. So whenever I get like an x-ray, there's just this one weird tooth. Just hanging out up there. Just like next to my navel cavity. Just creeping around Teeth are fucked up

They're really weird I'm just always like, did you know this was here? I have some news to break to you I don't know It's Jerry, named it It's never going anywhere My brother, all growing up He had a tooth that never came down

Yeah after he lost his baby teeth and never came down so they had to stick a wire up there That connected to his braces. Yeah, so for like four years he had this wire going up in his gum It eventually came down was it visible, but it's yeah as visible. It's just it's pretty brutal Damn, so just a wire hanging out or one of his teeth was Yeah it was like you know you would have normal braces But there was a space And a wire went up Into his gum So he was just beating off suitors with a stick

I'm sure Right Did you have braces? I never had braces You have nice teeth Y'all have braces? No uh uh my brother did We're the no brace did you? I had braces. You have nice teeth. Thanks. Thank you. Y'all have braces? No. Uh-uh.

My brother did. That's a lot of lucky goods. Where's the no brace? Did you? Just on the top because I have big buck teeth. And my doctor literally told my mom he was afraid if I tripped and fell, I would knock them out. Oh, no.

And then one year for Christmas, my mamaw got us all, me and my sister's cabbage patch dolls. And everyone's cabbage patch doll looked like them, obviously, even though it wasn't said. It was clear, and my cabbage patch doll had buck teeth, and I cried all Christmas. Oh, man. So we're a little too close to home. My very first encounter with self-loathing was over a cabbage patch doll. At what age? Your first encounter with self-loathing. At what age?

Your first encounter with self-loathing? That's a good question. That was probably maybe like seven or eight or something. Interesting. I think it was probably like my first memory. So three or four. Man.

That's your earliest memory. Your earliest self-loathing memory. Just a real angsty toddler. I was an angsty toddler. I was sick all the time, and that'll make you angsty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sickly. That'll make you angsty.

Do you know about the Cabbage Patch Factory? Like where cabbage patch babies come from? No. It's in Georgia. If you're about to destroy the magic, just hold on. No, no, no, no. I'm going to give you more magic than you can handle. It's a hospital that they birth babies through,

the Cabbage Patch babies through a cabbage. I'm not even joking about it. This is a real place. And there's fake nurses that work there. No way. No, no, no, no, no, 100%. It's a real thing. They birth the babies and they put them in incubators.

Hard dolls have better hospitals than most countries. Yeah. Is it like the Matrix? They're like in goo? No, they're just- Is it that Patch Adams Hospital in West Virginia? It sounds like something they'd be into. That's great.

It's in the same network Same healthcare network Bring your insurance So they've got cabbages rigged At the end of assembly lines Where babies are just You push them out and then you hook them up to a tree with an IV Oh my god

No it's a real thing I've seen photos I've gone down a couple of internet holes on it Can you like pay to go and see? Yeah yeah They have tours and stuff Yeah they encourage you You just want to see where your cabbage patch baby came from This is where I want our first True Billy's live show to be

In the cabbage patch hospital in Georgia Just behind us Hooking up ideas I had a weird attachment to a cabbage patch baby named Hugh Carmani. I don't doubt it at all. He was kind of like a... Hugh Carmani?

Yeah, that was his name. Was he a mob cabbage patch? Yeah, he kind of had like the... He was a guido. Not even like... Yeah, it was kind of like the guido, like kind of perm kind of thing going on. Oh, yeah.

Do you have a toothpick in his mouth? No. Gold chain around his neck. What's weird is my cousin Adam, the guy that's a professional gambler now He found him And brought him to me for Christmas And it was like

Kind of weird I'd written on him Anything good? Tattooed him up He was all tatted up It's a baby that's seen some shit Oh lord He was all panicked. It's a baby that's seen some shit. Oh, Lord.

Jeez. Well, Brandy, you just fell right into a stride with us here. It's like we just had a fourth Trillbilly and no one knew. Aw, thanks, guys. This is great. But, yeah, we have special guest Brandy Posey in the house. Hey, guys. It's my voice.

Where did you drive eight hours from? Memphis. I was in mem i was in memphis yesterday some stand-up comic and i've been torn for the last couple of weeks and i'm flew in and out of chicago and i was like oh you guys are close enough to chicago i want to listen listen to your podcast every week and you kind of immediately regret it basically just kind of like creepily forced to be friends with me is that that weird? I don't know. I'm here. We're all dealing with it.

Everyone should decide Chicago is just close enough to drive on down. What is it from Chicago? Nine hours maybe? Yeah. Anything under eight I don't even blink at anymore. I tour too much. In a work meeting today, I revealed that four hours is my top For a booty call It used to be three

Did you recently revise this? Are times hard right now? They drop the speed limit That's where we are And it depends in what direction too North, I ain't going more than three hours north But I'll go four hours south Interesting

East, west, you got limitations on those directions Well if I go four hours south Interesting East, west, you got limitations on those directions Well if I go four hours east That's bound to hit the coast, right? Nah You still got another four hours You're like in Blacksburg, Virginia I don't really know where I am right now

So I'm just listening to you You're in the Bermuda Triangle That's where you are I don't know where I am right now, so I'm just listening to you guys. You're in the Bermuda Triangle. That's where you are. So if you have somebody in Cincinnati that wants to see you, they're out of luck. But Atlanta's in play. Yeah, is Atlanta in play? Yeah, because Atlanta has an Ikea.

That's your craft beer. There are other things to consider here. Doesn't Knoxville have an Ikea so I think there are other things doesn't turn Knoxville have a Ikea no of course not but I love Knoxville really no there's only like a few dozen Ikea's in the country there aren't many at all it's very I got spoiled yeah LA's just got bigger we moved into a bigger factory And now it's a nightmare It's the biggest one in the United States Your Ikea in L.A.? Holy shit, I must see this Come out to Los Angeles, I'll take you on a tour of the Ikea

I'll buy you some Swedish meatballs That's my kind of date I'm speaking my language Oh, wow Who's the CEO of Ikea? Is his name... It's the Swedish chef. Yeah.

How do you know it's a man? Maybe a woman. I wanted to go for it, but I got tired. Randy finished his my sandwiches. That's how he names all his stuff, too. It's just gibberish out of his act. It really is. But it's a woman.

A woman is a CEO of Ikea. You just assumed it was a man. I thought we lived in the patriarchy, man. I thought all CEOs were men. What happened? No, it probably is. I don't know. I just made that up.

Probably it's a man. Yeah, well, so are you from LA? i'm from maryland originally okay i live there i'm from like a suburb of half an hour outside of baltimore about 45 from dc so like everybody that i knew growing up had like one parent or relative that was a spy oh it's just weird yeah everybody worked for the government. My friend Nathan's dad was in the CIA. Same story. He grew up in Silver Spring. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm like 20 minutes from there. It's really weird. My next door neighbor was one of George Bush's Secret Service guys. I just see him on the weekends just painting his fences white. Just constantly. Oh, my God. He was a real intense guy. Damn.

Yeah, my aunt worked for the NSA for like 37 years. I don't know what she did do you ever talk to that guy like if anybody shoots president are you gonna i mean he was a terrifying person when i when i was in high school he just was like the angry man next door painting a fence all the time so i didn't talk to him too much what's the wi-fi network like in a neighborhood like that? With spies? It's just this, like, lockdown. No. Pretty tight. I mean, I haven't lived there since 2002.

I don't know if they had Wi-Fi then. I like it when people do their real tight passwords. Wi-Fi networks is like FBI van. Yeah. Like pulling one over on you. Not the Illuminati. Do spies do the opposite? They're like, meth house.

They're like, oh, this will be funny. We're all spies. They got a sense of humor for sure. They got a sense of humor. Oh, God. Yeah, it was a good place to grow up. I loved it's fun i grew up like on the water chesapeake bay is like right there i get to go into the cities and stuff and then i went to college in philly and then i moved out to la like 10 years ago i've been there for just over a decade now

which is messed up because like time doesn't pass there because it's just 70 degrees every day yeah yeah i i'm from the desert there's no seasons i mean it's just like you know there's a hot and a cold time of year but like in terms of like foliage yeah everything's dead all the time constantly yeah there's no way to track it yeah yeah of any kind yeah i kind of miss it honestly i don't even have like palm trees and shit there's palm trees but they don don't go through a cycle. Yeah. They're just palming all year long. Yes.

Yes. So what do you do for fun in LA? Tell us about LA. Have any of you been to LA? I have once. When'd you go? Summer 2012, I watched Marlins Dodgers game when I lived in Las Vegas. I made the drive. Okay.

It's fun. That's a nice little drive. Well, LA sucks to drive in, but. Yeah. LA, it's a hard town to visit if you don't know people because the people that live there, like traffic is like our big stereotype, but it's a great place if you know how to get around all of that and like all the locals tell you where to actually go because all the like touristy stuff is actually awful because it's like you go to hollywood boulevard

which is where like the walk of fame stuff is it's just just schizophrenics just have shit all over all the stars and people are there teenagers saying not my president yeah exactly that girl is there constantly there's like five Spiderman that like have earned various stages of decay just demanding money for photos you might find that here I'd like to see an Appalachian Spiderman

yeah well stick around long enough Halloween is coming up we can make that happen I was in the shower yesterday and I pulled my Well, stick around long enough. It is, Halloween is coming up. We can make that happen. I was in the shower yesterday, and I pulled my towel off the, speaking of Spider-Man, pulled my towel off the rack,

and I was wiping myself off. I felt something crawling on Mars. And I just kept, because there's a lot of bugs in my house in general. But I looked down, and it was a spider. It had to have been about that big. I mean, it was a big, meaty spider. It was not one of those long legs.

Was it a wolf? Wolf spider. It must have been. Right. And I've seen a thousand of these in my life, but I just couldn't help it. And I just screamed at the top of my lungs. Like that.

And I was wondering what my neighbor, because you can definitely hear without a doubt. And it's just you and him right there. Yeah, just a blood curdling scream at eight in the morning anyway it's awesome bad story but it's spider i get it a spider will mess you up it will it really will i live in a trailer park in la and we have lots of uh we have lots of that of spiders and they're i never like we have black widows out there and I always thought they were fake because I didn't grow up with them. Like plastic?

Yeah. They're planted there by the government. That's probably dead. I'm never going to see one of those. Now they're all over my porch all the time. You got to spray them. I got possums for the first time in my life. Nice.

We got a lot of those. They're great. We have one hanging right over there. This is possum We got a lot of those. Yeah, we love possums here. We have one hanging right over there. Yeah. This is possum radio, your own rat. Yeah, they call this possum radio because there's a lot of dead air. Why is that real?

Yeah. The joke is the possum ran in and cut it down. Yeah, right. Wow, like we're playing possum. Right, right. I had no idea that was behind the Hollywood story. There's brown recluses. Very racist in our deadly spider naming. Yeah, exactly.

Black and brown. Exactly. I saved a possum like two months ago in Los Angeles. He was like, I saw it get hit by a car. That is so much good karma. Yeah. Good for you. go in Los Angeles he was like I saw it get hit by a car oh that is so much good karma yeah it was like a four-hour process because I called animal control to like come in because it got hit like I saw it get hit by a car twice and I pulled over to be like okay this poor guy I'm gonna get him

out of the road and this guy from like a taco stand ran out with a broom to help me get him out of the road uh-huh and then he gave me like a big box we just like put the box on top of him because we like didn't want him I just didn't want him to run away or get hit by a car again because he like was missing an eye oh yeah yeah did you take to the vet uh the vets in la won't take possums but really yeah but they they won't they the fuck is this because we la is like overrun with ant with like so many animals like dogs and stuff are a big problem there. Really? LA and Texas are the two highest kill states for animals.

That's got to be like, okay, so you know how humans have the sort of Hippocratic Oath? You can't turn any. What's the veterinary equivalent? What's the veterinary equivalent? Do they not abide by the same oath? They're just like, nah, possum. Is there some board that's like, we, possum. Nah, possum.

Is there some board that's like, we can bring that up for an ethics review. Yeah. Right, my friend Leah's a veterinarian in Texas and she has two pet orphaned possums. You know when I was talking to you about like, you should have kept that possum that your cat brought in the house.

Right. What are the parameters for rejecting a patient? They won't take- An animal patient. They won't take possums or coyotes or raccoons or bobcats. They won't take any of those animals. What if it's super- Because all domesticated.

I see. In LA. Oh. Only domesticated. Only domesticated. Okay. Yeah. There might have been-

I mean, this was like- I had left the Laugh Factory and was driving home, and this happened at 10 p.m. at night. So it's only like only like E.R.'s were open to. And they were like I called like a bunch of them. They're like, absolutely not. But then I called like the animal services and what they do is that they'll take them and then they take them to like a shelter that will like take care of them like out outside of the city, though. a shelter that will like take care of them like outside of the city though. Ah, interesting. But it took them like three hours to come and the possum kept like whacking his box off

and people were like walking down the street. Whacking his box off. Yeah, so kept putting his box back on and just scaring kids, just knocking his box off, which is a bloody possum. He's like, ha, my dad! Yeah, exactly.

And then this one kid was like, can can i he stayed with me for a while he's like they're not here yet and i was like no and i was like he called to to also report the possum i was like thanks kid then he was like i have to go and i'm not supposed to give my number to strangers but will you text me when they pick up the possum i was like i guess okay they got this kid's number and then i just texted him at like one in the morning just like they got the possum and he was like cool that's awesome oh thanks i just said good night his mom's texting back like what are you doing what's this possum yeah i was like i just, I was like, I just, deleting this number. I don't know what to do with it. Right.

What would be really funny is if, is there like a famous TV veterinarian? Would have been funny as if- Doolittle. Dr. Doolittle. Dr. Doolittle. Dr. Doolittle had an actual practice or something. Yeah.

But that seems a little too obvious. Like, I'm, you know, is there another famous- Well, Doolittle could talk to animals. That was Doolittle. I assume he was a vet? He was. He was Dr. Quinn, medicine woman. That's why he was such a good vet.

He could talk to the animals. That's a whole different thing. I read the books when I was a kid. Okay. And he would like, it was actually kind of like, it was actually kind of racist and colonialist. He would like go around the world and like talk to the aboriginals or you know,

like the tribes in like talk to the aboriginals or you know like the um yeah tribes in like south america yeah you know this is the original do little book yeah or at least this is my retroactive um take on it i i read like 80 of them when i was a kid when i was like in fourth grade i didn't know there were that many there's a lot there's a there's a lot but no he was such a good vet because he could talk to him. And so like a possum would come in and he'd be like, I got hit by a car twice.

My eye's hanging out. And he'd be like, all right, I'll help you. Like you couldn't tell just by looking. Like you actually, it's kind of dumb because like you don't actually

need to talk to animals to know what's wrong with them. Yeah, you kind of just see them. You just kind of see them and just like examine them, I think, right? Does that mean that he can also speak like every human language too? Like if he like understands?

I think it was just animals and I can't remember why. I don't know. I don't think it was like a Spider-Man thing where like a spider crawled into like a radioactive whatever bit him. But I think it was like a special gift that he had. Although now that I think about it, you know, some dogs do get really bad depression or anxiety. Yeah. So I guess that would be pretty good to have a doctor who could actually talk to you. Hey there, fella.

Yeah, you know that book, that Dalton Trembo book? The kid that went to heaven? No, the anti-war book where like the guy has his arms and legs blown off and like it's, and like you can't speak or hear or see or anything.

Mm-mm. Well, that's what it would be like to be an animal with depression. You'd just be, you'd just be lost in your mind. You'd be trapped in your own body

at all times and you couldn't talk to anybody. You wouldn't even know what the word was. You wouldn't even know what the word was. You wouldn't even know. Right. It's incredibly sad. Yeah.

All you would have was Doolittle. Searching your whole life for Doolittle to tell him. Oh, man. Or like a pet psychic. Or like a, right. You could get one of those to help you. Oh, yeah. I recently heard about the pet psychic thing.

That's a big deal. A friend of mine who actually just started working here had her, she moved to this like queer farm in North Carolina. Oh, cool. And her cat, or her dog had a problem with the owner's dog, so the owner had a pet psychic come to work it out. How did I get in on this wreck? We'll have her come in and tell the story

because it's hysterical I can tell you how in Casadega Florida it's this weird town that is like a psychic mecca in Florida and there's a there's the Casadega Hotel on the second floor are all of these like Florida psychic women just like live in this hotel

and they're great because they're like Florida psychics they're all chain smoking and drinking big gulps outside all day and they're great because they're like florida psychics they're all chain smoking and drinking big gulps outside all day and they're like amazing jingling all over the place they're great but they um they uh they have a place across the street they do psychic workshops at and i like drove through there one time on tour and they uh they had like a bunch of flyers for like psychic pet psychic uh training workshops so you, time. You got to get to Florida. So, like, the name pet psychic sort of denotes to me that you can only speak to dead animals.

Or can you? No, you can speak to live animals. Psychic? Psychic, yeah. We use spirits. No, no, you're thinking of a seance. Clairvoyant. Ah, yes.

Yeah, yeah. Psychics can just tell you what you have in your future. Yeah, they read your paw. He's so cute. He's like, hold the little dog's paw. Come on. You're a good, sweet boy with six years ahead of you. So I guess what I just hit on

is a void in the market that hasn't been taken up. There needs to be a do-little who can speak to animal spirits. With intermediaries so people can talk to their dead pets. Yeah. Right. Right.

I think that's the move. That's the move. That's where. Yeah. And there's a ton of money in pet services. It's like pet products. People spend a lot of money every year. Americans spend a lot of money every year on their pets.

I got two cats and they're like my children. Yeah. Oh, so you're claiming the second one now? I really don't. He just said he had two cats. Wow. What have you named it? I've been calling it PB for poopy butt. Because it has the poopiest butt

I've ever come across. That's so embarrassing for a cat. They usually pride themselves on being so clean. That's so embarrassing for a cat. They usually pride themselves on being so clean. Yeah, it's so embarrassing. There is a bit from the last episode that we didn't air. We could probably insert it in here. But essentially, just to give you the TLDR, apparently a kitten up to a certain age

can't pee on its own own The mother has to induce The pissing In this case In this case me I'm the mother So the way the mother does this Not me as the mother But the normal mother cat

Is by licking the private parts of the kitten. We cut this out for a reason. You can see why. I was thinking. It was leeching toward bestiality. It wasn't the strongest moment for the brain. Whatever. I think that it was totally scientific, medical related.

However, when I did do it, it purred a lot. You were breastfed. Confirmed titty baby. Lots of purring happening. I just did what a good mother is supposed to do. That's great. You're reading those kitty mommy blogs. Yeah. Yeah.

It's hard not to treat them like your children though, you know? Yeah. Because they have personalities and... Yeah. Who's mommy's little poopy butt. Who's mommy's little poopy butt. Oh my god.

So thick. No, people spend a lot of time talking about their pets. Oh, truly. I love that. My dog is definitely my son. I'll never be able to afford a real baby, so just buy one for $25. It's not anything.

It's great. I could probably afford a real baby at some juncture, but it's more along the lines of, I don't pass on my neuroses and self-loathing and all that shit to my pets. Whereas with a kid, you know, that's a... That's my thing. You start to act like you and you're like, God.

You could get a conservative for a kid. You're not gonna get a conservative cat. You know what I mean? Like that's... They're all conservatives. That's true. Well, it's like you always rebel by being the opposite of your parents. Right. So it's like you always rebel by being the opposite of your parents.

Right. So it's like the best people always have the worst kids. I think about that every time. I've been playing a bunch of punk festivals this year, and there's so many, I'm at this age now where it's a lot of 35-year-old punks with kids. They got their little punk baby and their little studded up vest.

And their little headphones. And it's adorable. But I'm like, these kids are all going to be Republicans. Every single one of them. Parents were too cool. Their Liberty Spikes were out too often. Yeah. Yeah. Man.

Man, oh man. Wow. Wow. Well, what a week It's only Tuesday What a week Can we go back I was working Can we go back to the good shootings

By that I mean People like Steve Scalise Yeah, more whimsical Can we get back to the shootings where like The bad people are getting shot Yeah Oh man I wanted to see how y'all reacted

Tom gave me the awkward laugh Tanya didn't address it I looked at the I'll judge my reaction off how they react Yeah yeah I was like I'm gonna watch I'm the guest I'm just gonna look at the possum for a minute Take it in I get paid on this podcast to say things like,

it's good that John McCain was tortured. It's good that Steve Scalise was shot. You know your role. I know my role. He's the envelope pusher. Oh, I just got the reference. I didn't know that guy's name. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, the congressman. The congressman, right. Like the Bernie bro shot him? Does he confirm Bernie bro? I don't know. Bernieie brother canvassing for bernie or something bernie was just in atlanta he was i just did a festival in atlanta this past weekend and he was literally in the venue that i had played the night before and we were like doing like a live podcast the next day next door to it oh Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. There's this podcast called The Boogie Monster. It's Kyle Kinane and Dave Stone,

and they talk about aliens and ghosts and stuff. It just kept being like, Bernie Sanders is next door. Raising money, being a hero. We're talking about the Loch Ness Monster. He's next door being a misogynist. Slandering women. All these mangy comics are just like,

where is he? Is he going to come to our shows? And it's like, no. No, he's not. It's the important things to do. Mangy comics. That would be tight, though, if you look at the audience and like Bernie,

you just see his glasses and his bald head This is good Larry David as Bernie Sanders would come Yeah he definitely would he'd be mumbling and eating crumbs in the back of the room Hey I can do that I'll do that at your show tonight No please I feel better if somebody's just crumbing in the back I do a's just crumbing in the back it feels good I do a lot of crumbing

oh lord okay speaking of shows and crumbing what's the laugh factory oh it's just a comedy comedy club in Los Angeles it's actually really awful

but oh it's not a laugh factory it's pretty famous it's the world the world famous laugh factory sounds more like

a laugh gulag yeah it's really awful it's run by a guy named Jamie Masada It's pretty famous. It's the world famous Laugh Factory. Sounds more like Laugh Gulag. Yeah. It's really awful. It's run by a guy named Jamie Masada. I don't like comedy clubs. I like playing different venues. I do a lot of indie music rooms and stuff like that. I prefer that way more.

It's way more my speed of people. Clubs just kind of have people that come to get drunk first, and they all want bottle service. And it's like those people hate me and I hate them so it doesn't it it works out well cuz I can make them like me but I don't like it but I like doing like more like indie spaces and stuff instead but like the Laugh Factory is like owned by this guy named Jamie Masada that's like the worst dude ever he's been a club owner for like 30 40 years or something and he still thinks

comedy now is the same as like what it was in like the 80s yeah andrew dice clay yeah yeah so he'll see people go on stage like there's uh my friend uh my friend maddie ryan's comic in chicago and they opened a laugh factory in chicago and um he'll watch showcases and maddie like had a joke about how his girlfriend gave him a hatchet and he was like well why didn't you bring the hatchet on stage you gotta be the hat you gotta sell hatchets your whole act has got to be about you having a hatchet and he was like, well why didn't you bring the hatchet on stage? You gotta sell hatchets, your whole act has gotta be about you having a hatchet. He's like, I'm a complex human being.

This was a story about one thing. He's like, that's your thing, that's your hook. That's the whole level, right? You're the hatchet guy from Hero. The comics in the 80s had props and shit, I guess. Truly. Well and like, there's a guy that's like missing an arm in chicago and he was like he had like an opening joke about it and then he didn't talk about it again and jamie was just

like you guys i mean that's that's that's half an hour half an hour not having an arm like he's that he's the worst person all those club owners are the worst they all like they all look like and they don't like me either because i look like the daughter that doesn't come home on thanksgiving so we just kind of like don't don't work with each other do you have to do the most crowd control in this yeah those rooms feel like babysitting 100 because it's also like i do like longer bits that try to be about stuff i mean i'm also very stupid on stage so that's fun too but like i try to like you know have a message behind some of my jokes and they're always like what does that mean why aren't you just talking about just talk about dating yeah get into it like stopping

trains with khan yeah no i mean that's a highbrow bit for a club. It's a real closer right there. You come to the laugh back to that bullshit. Yeah. Like, oh, you're the cunt guy. That's the whole thing. Every joke has gotta be about that. We've kind of been pigeonholed as the JD Vance people. Yeah, that's true.

Every time JD Vance says something on Twitter, somebody will add us like, hey, what do y'all think about this? We just got blocked, right? Did we get? No, we got blocked by the governor. Our governor. JD Vance wants to buy us drinks in that hole.

He's playing that ninth dimensional chess. We ain't buying it Vance. Try it Vance. That just means he has nine chess boards stacked on top of each other getting dust in a corner. That's nine dimensional chess. Hell yeah.

I love the idea of a meeting in the minds between you guys, just rolling into a room with one light coming down from the ceiling. We challenged him to a debate. We were going to make an event of it at Apple Shop, but he was like, I'm not into debates,

but next time I'm in Weinsberg, I'll buy you drinks. He's never been to Weinsberg. When the fuck you been the first time? Yeah, seriously. The one thing I have in common with J.D. Vance is I'm not into debates either. We didn't get our masters in debates. Well, what I said would happen is...

I keep referencing an earlier joke. Go ahead, sorry. Now he an earlier joke. Go ahead. Sorry. Now he's playing the half-dimensional chess. Now I'm playing the half-dimensional chess. Well, just that we said if we did get in a debate

with him, you'd just get pissed and throw all the furniture off the stage and just try to kill everybody. I have a really bad temper when it comes to debating, so that's why I don't do it.

I wonder if maybe J.D., maybe that's why J.D. doesn't either, though. Maybe he gets furious. He's got a hot temper. And he's a Marine, so he would why I don't do it. I wonder, maybe JD, maybe that's why JD doesn't either, though, maybe he gets furious. He's got a hot temper. And he's a Marine, so he'd be a hard ass. You're right, he would put me in like a suplex or something. A diamond cutter. Before he knew it, like, you'd be dead,

and he'd just be like, what have I done? JD Vance killed the Trillbilly guy. That'd be great publicity for us. It really would be. Not so good for you. Tom and I would excel after that. Yeah, y'all's brand. Skyrocket, our brand would go through the roof. I'd be excel after that. Yeah, y'all. Skyrocket, our brand would go through the roof.

I'd be in the fucking ground and y'all be. We would have airbrushed t-shirts over you at the merch table though. Yeah. You'd have a fund. Yeah. That's really what you got to do. I mean, to be famous, you just got to die early. You know what I mean? Like Jimi Hendrix style die early. You know what I mean?

Like Jimi Hendrix style or something. You know what I mean? For sure. Because it's like Jimi Hendrix, nobody wanted to hear him experimenting with synthesizers and shit. He died when he should have died probably. Yeah. So I should probably die like in the next four years.

You've already passed the 27 club. True. I made it to 30. You missed that. I just turned 30 by the way. Hell yeah. Congratulations. How old are you? 33. See I like it. People were like how has it it's like I kind of feel like when you

enter a new decade you're kind of still living off of a few years of the practice because you know when you turn 20 you're still a teenager up until you're like 23 or 24 yeah i feel like i'm still in my 20s no i'm i'm sliding into 33 pretty well it feels good i like it yeah you got a little cushion you got some cushion years yeah for sure yeah yeah 31 feels good i was just at a my cousin turned 21 and we had this whole Wild vacation with our family And so our whole bit was 21 and 31 21 and 31

Out of the town Made me feel young again That's awesome So on your tour are you doing Many other rural spots Small towns Not really most of my stuff What did I do I did Chicago Columbus Rochester spots small towns uh not not really most of my stuff what i do to chicago columbus rochester

baltimore uh williamsport pennsylvania is kind of a middle of nowhere pennsylvania town it's like near bucknell that's really fun so how'd you hook up with them uh they they listen to my podcast lady to lady and like they and there's they have like a couple of like open mics and like open mic or comics that were like if you're ever coming through i was like yeah i love doing that stuff like i tour solo so it's like i i can like live real cheap and like make it work pretty easy and it's like if i you know especially if it's like a weekday it's like yeah why not come through i love seeing new stuff going to new places meeting new people keep shot honest too yeah you know that's true it's important i think and the white um williamsport was cool because we did it in this place called a ground

floor 2.0 that is a uh 18 wheeler hanger that they've converted into like a space for kids to hang out so they don't get hooked on opioids so they like they like put together like band like yeah it's like it, it's crazy. They've redone it and they have like metal bands come through there all the time. And like they have pool tables and ping pong and like they have a little concession stand and stuff. And it's like a cool.

Interesting. A little catwalk on the stage. It's a whole. Interesting. JD Vance should listen to this episode because he's trying to address the opioid epidemic. Yeah. In rural Ohio from Columbus. In rural Ohio from Columbus.

Rural Ohio from Columbus. I just think we should give all the opioids to all the Nazis. Yeah. And then we fix all the problems. I would take them. There you go, there you go. If everybody wanted to give me all of them.

Redistribution. I would take them. That's your cross to bear it. I'll do it everybody, all right. Just give me your opioids. Then I really would die everybody, all right. Just give me your one feel. Then I really would die in like four weeks. I don't know if your image would benefit as much as JD Vance killing me.

But you're old now, so it's no sense in you dying now. True, true. We can still pin it on JD. We can still pin it on you, you're right. JD Vance failed. He's failed to address the opioid epidemic. Look at this young man. Look at this young man slip through the cracks.

So promising. Took all the burden for everybody. Oh Jesus. We can get his fingerprints if we try hard enough. Yeah. Yeah, but I love doing things in places like that. Like I'm excited for tonight. This is gonna be cool and weird and fun.

Yeah. Say that till we heckle the shit out of you from the back row. I want domain crummy in the back. I love it. We heckled shit out of you from the back row. I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went,

I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went,

I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went,

I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went,

I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went,

I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went,

I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went,

I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went,

I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went,

I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went,

I went, I went, I went, I went Drinks being served I know It's exciting I saw the distillery Up the street Popped in there That's good for you Brandy Because that means People are gonna be Fucked up Yeah that's good Drinking moonshine

The guy called me twice today I kept getting an unknown number And I'm in a fucking meeting But the same number Kept calling So finally I was like Hello What is your fucking deal

He was like Hi this is Craig From the moonshine distillery Are y'all still expecting us At 630 And I was like Oh yeah man We need you here Yeah, we need you here.

Yeah, mm-hmm. Yep, we need you here at 630, please. See you then. So they are coming. They called to confirm. That's great. I don't have a number, though. She's like, who the fuck is this?

State your business. I ignore all numbers. I know. Because they're probably debt collectors. I've ended up on a list recently. I've had three different organizations calling me to see if I want to donate money to support police families.

I've been on those lists too, man. They buy the list. I feel like they're forking out money for the FOPs. Yeah, because it's happened three times in the last maybe two or three weeks and I've just been like, no. No. Yeah, because it's happened three times in the last maybe two or three weeks. And I'd just be like, no.

No. No. Never call me again. I'm like, nice, but I'm like, no. Google me. Do you know who you're talking to, Dave? How'd you get this number? Go sell a tank.

Figure it out. Yeah, really. Seriously. You're not hurting. You can't be hurting for cash. Seriously. So for the last couple years, I've been getting flyers from the Samaritan's Purse out of Boone, North Carolina,

which is Franklin Graham's charity. Like Billy Graham, the famous TV preacher's son. Conveniently located in Boone, North Carolina, where one Mr. Terrence Ray spent a year. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know. I mean, they're hounds. They call me, they send me mailings.

Oh my God. That's no good. That's crazy, man. I just wanted to take this opportunity. That's crazy, man. You've asked me several times on the podcast and I've always denied it. I still deny it.

I used to sign up all my guy friends in high school For the American Girl doll catalog But I'd make it up to Seymour Butts Nice To their home address This was your gateway to comedy I love it It's my first bit

Seymour Butts is classic This is classic We were going to open last episode of the prank call, but, well, one guy didn't open up. So much pressure. Prank calls are,

oh, man. We should do it right now. We should pick up the weirdest name in the phone book. Everybody try their best. We'll grade it. You gotta,

I saw it, I walked past one of your churches, you got a Pastor Pigman. Yeah, Pigman. Pigman. Oh, Pigman. Is that how you, Pigman is how you pronounce it. It's the proper pronunciation.

Local. I took a picture of it. That's really funny. I'm gonna Instagram that shit later. I never even thought of it. I've grown up around that surname, but I still have that same reaction. Anybody with the last name Pigman,

I automatically find 10% less attractive. I think it's dope. I mean, it's not bad. It's just that I have a hard time getting past that. It just takes a second. You just want to check them for a tail or something. Like, what's going on back there? Oh, shit.

Oh. Well, friends, we should probably bring this into a close for about an hour and we gotta get this show started yeah the real show going so good to have you on yeah this has been fun

thanks for joining us thanks for having me guys this is exciting I love your podcast I love what you guys do all the way from the west coast listening all over the place it's good it's like the first actual comedian that we've had on. I mean, I don't even know how you define that, because people could call me a comedian,

but I'm not funny. I don't know what I'm talking about. Yeah, whatever, man. PB thinks you're a comedian. PB thinks I'm funny. PB thinks I'm funny.'s like good name for me It's hilarious Good man

Well Brandy let's plug your work here How can people find you I'm on Twitter and Instagram At Brandazzle And then I have an album Called Opinion Cave That's available everywhere you find albums. If you want a physical copy, they're on cassette

and they have digital download codes. Oh, tight. On my website, brandyposie.com. They're pretty sick. And then my podcast is called Lady to Lady and it's me and two other female comics and then we have a fourth gal on every week and it's just us riffing and being ridiculous.

But then sometimes every once in a while we like went to Sizzler and we took french stork to sizzler so we'll do stuff like that we'll just like buy him some white wine and a sizzler and just hang out with him for two hours so we do stuff like that every once in a while so it's it's a fun it's real silly um yeah you're like a bunch of and guys like it too I always like to say that a lot of people are like it's a podcast for women I'm like no we have we had a guy write to us

they told us that he found our podcast when he was going through a bad divorce and we're the reason he didn't become an MRA oh shit really yeah because he was like I was in the precipice thought all women were evil and then you guys were so funny and you just your guests were all great and I was like glad we pulled you back

from the brink so doing the lord's work I think I don't know I haven't heard from him in a while who knows where he's at now but he's a fan oh damn damn damn damn damn for sure

I was about to make a really fucked up joke but let's just end it there You've got your quote in for the day Okay alright fine We'll let you off the hook Are you wanting me to do it or are you sorry Go for it Was his name Steven Paddock

Isn't that the guy's name It's literally the only thing you can say That makes sense It's literally the only thing you can say That makes sense Probably Probably Isn't that his name? Yeah, that was his name Hey Jordan, Mr. Fusch

Follow me on Twitter Unfollow us on Twitter Don't follow Brandy Well, Brandy, thanks for joining us. Yeah, thanks for having me, guys. It was great. We'll see you at the show tonight, and we'll be expecting bottle service and crumbs.

Jar service. Jar service and crumbs. So, all right. Well, let's close this thing. Adios. All right, bye, everybody. Bye.