Trillbilly Worker's Party - Episode 342: To Catch A Tax Cheat

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

We're on the road this week so bear with us folks. If you would like to hear a more serious, insightful episode, we'll have one over at our Patreon this coming Monday: www.patreon.com/trillbillyworkersparty

Hey, you guys. Hey, you guys. Oh, don't do that, Eric Cartman. Don't do that, Eric Cartman. Hey, you guys. I'm on the John Mulaney podcast. Oh, my God. You're doing Eric Cartman goes on the John Mulaney show.

John Mulaney show. Hey, you guys. John Mulaney. This is kindaney show. Hey, you guys. John Mulaney. That's kind of how it went, right? Today's musical guest on the John Mulaney cast, Anthony Oliver Austin. You might remember him from his hit song, Rich Men, North of Richmond.

Oh, man. Remember that? Yeah, yeah sometimes here's the deal some things you need to be early on other things you need to just kind of chill in the cut and wait what do you mean what is what should he have done instead no no i just mean like remember the discourse around rich men oh are you saying we shouldn't have weighed in on it no no no it was fine for us too but everybody was just like fuck this motherfucker it is fudge rounds fuck you i'll kill this motherfucker it just turned out he was just an american he was just like a guy with the most incoherent politics i have to say i wish politicians would look out for minors and not just minors on an island somewhere.

Taxes ought to pay. That didn't age well. Taxes ought to pay for your, taxes ought not to pay for your bag of fudge rounds. Oh, wait. By God, if you're 5'3 and you're 300 pounds. 5'3 is such an interesting detail. If you're 5'3 and 300 pounds, what if you're like five nine and 300 pounds can the taxes still pay for your bags of fudge rounds yeah he was just he was actually talking just about

a hyper specific person the person that's five three clocking in three six foot three and 120 pounds then it might be okay to buy some fudge rounds If you're six foot four and 120 pounds, then I hate my tax dollars or paying for your whatever habit got you to 120 pounds at six foot four. If you're seven foot two and 120 pounds, you got some serious medical problems, brother. I'm going to have to send you to the hospital.

I'll go with you. Hold your hand. We'll cry in the lobby together. Afterwards, I'll take you home. I'll feed you weenies and viny sausages. We'll eat some viny sausages in my

living room. Watch Jerry Seinfeld on the TV, too. It'd be great. This will solve a bell loneliness there all the time and write It'd be great. This will solve a male loneliness there all the time and write them thing pieces about. John Hickey's on your show. Oh God.

It's Eric Cartman. That's Eric Cartman. He's gone on John Mulaney's show. John Mulaney's show and he's asking about Anthony Oliver Austin. Anthony Cartman. Anthony Cartman. Eric Cartman found. Why did you put Austin in there? Is this one of those things like George Smiley?

Oh, his name is. I think his name is just like Oliver. Oliver. Oliver. I forget which way it goes. That guy had a meteoric rise. I just. Eric Cartman finds Jesus And becomes a good person

And Oliver Anthony also finds Jesus And becomes a good person And they're on the John Mulaney cast Does John Mulaney have a cast? Of course he does Yeah dude It's called the 5 foot 3 300 pounds cast They just

They just find Tax cheats That's why they have Oliverony on the show this week oh okay oh okay here let me here let me take this a slightly different direction eric harvey's i ain't gonna have a feeling about this oliver anthony is the chris hansen of tax cheats that's what that's what it is right like yeah he's he lures guys that own uh you know like restaurants and other like shell companies like oh so is he going after rich tax cheats or poor tax cheats no what he does he poses as a guy that owns like some retail space in a strip mall and he's like hey you want to come

check out this place for your uh nail salon or whatever it is you're going to put in here that's going to be you know you're where you're going to launder money through. Right, right, right. And then. Like a drug, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he gets him talking about whatever his plans for there, and he starts inquiring a little further, and he's like,

so let me get this straight then. Sir, you're a high-powered attorney that racks in all this stuff but you want to open up a nail salon and a mexican restaurant an aquarium you sell you like to sell goldfish yeah oh i get it man we all need some losses now shit and he's like oh yeah you said it buddy and then about that time chris hansen chris whoever whoever our Chris Hansen character is, Eric Cartman, maybe. Step on in.

Hey, guys, you're going to jail. And he just looks at him and says, my God. What are you doing here, Eric Cartman?

But, man, I'm going to jail. But, man, I'm good I'm good No it's not

Eric Cartman It's Oliver Anthony I forgot I already lost the thread You did Oliver Anthony is our Chris Hansen Oh I lost the thread too

But because That's only because In my mind They're both guests On the John Mulaney podcast Yeah And the John Mulaney podcast Has taken a dark and twisted turn.

Okay. Dark and twisted, and that's why he gets Eric Hartman and Oliver Anthony on because he thinks that they're gonna be dark and twisted, but both of them have actually gone good. I have. They broke good.

They're no longer breaking bad. So they're all doing the Hulk Hogan to Christ move. Yes, they're all doing, yeah. Everybody, Christ move? Yes, they're all doing it. You ever notice everybody in that sphere finds Christ eventually and does the 700 Club run? Mm-hmm. George Wallace got shot and found Christ. Well, that's a legitimate reason to find Christ, though.

I mean, he needed to find him well before that. That is pretty funny that someone shot his ass and he was like oh i'm no longer racist yeah okay i'm no longer racist i'm sorry that day the day that bullet hit me in the spine is when i quit being when i realized that my own chains fell off down the scales fell off my eyes if you're three foot two and nine to three pounds then maybe you need to maybe you're the character fudge round in the movie what was that the goonies or was that last boy scout or something like that the good way which i can't remember if it was goonies are the last boys. Two very similar films. Oh my God.

Where was, why can't I find it? Why search character fudge round? It was, is it cause he's kind of racist character and they were like, we got a phase fudge round. Character fudge round. When I search fudge round,

all that comes up is Oliver Anthony now God man That's SEO man If you're One foot three And you're seven pounds That means your mom is Living off of Fuddround And you're still in the womb

And you haven't come out Oh my god You should stay in the womb. Because they're going to find out that you're not really human. I got a question about John Mulaney. Does he play a gay man as a character? No. Like, is that his deal?

Oh, maybe. Like, he's got a, I mean, I don't want to cast aspersions or anything. He's got an awfully queen-y affect for. I think he does. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine, if that's your thing. I was just curious if that's part of the shtick.

I think that's part of the shtick, yeah. Because I know, like, his whole thing is he's, like, you know, he fell into drug addiction. We could ask him. Are we going on a show? Jan, Jan, Jan you are you hetero are you i think i lost it hey but man are you eric carmen on this show is the best idea ever that's the worst i have oh man uh i need to i desperately need to be back in therapy That's the worst I've ever... Oh, man.

I desperately need to be back in therapy. I was reminded a second ago of the time I went to therapy and told my therapist I wanted a new personality. I was like, how do I become somebody else? How do I become fundamentally a different person? Fundamentally. Now I'm talking like a page one rewrite. It was like the look on the mechanic's face when you drive in like a

1987 Ford Escort or something like that. Like the hubs are all falling off. Everything on it is like literally has to be replaced. Making it fundamentally a different vehicle than you ride it in. Yeah.

And you're going to spend $60,000 to do that instead of buying a new vehicle. Yeah. That was the look on her face. She was like, what you're talking about is a complete overhaul. She's like, I can't do that. Just me. No, you need a team for that yeah that you need several people you need to go to vienna for that oh dear dude this the fact that a song with the lyric but god

if you're five foot three and 300 pounds tax is not not to pay for your bag of fud rounds the fact that went like got like a billion streams is one of the funniest things i've ever seen happen in pop culture i don't think there that will ever be done again no i mean like every once in a while there'll be like the odling walmart boy i don't even think he sort to those heights but they're like some sort of like strange outlier that'll make a dent you know make an impression but to go straight to number numero uno with a weird fudge round song done in the style of tyler childer with the tyler childer's yell he was obviously like okay i shouldn't say obviously but it felt very much like the industry was saying like they were trying to make a conservative tyler childers yeah they saw well and then here's the other thing too is do you remember um a rapper namedvy that sounded exactly like Biggie?

So much so that they got him to play Biggie in the Biggie biopic? Biopic, yeah. Young Gravy? No, just Gravy. Just Gravy. Yeah, I mean, if you can can do that that's a good gig and there was another rapper named angelus that sounded i it's identical to gravy to jay-z and rip-offs of rip-offs yeah yeah yeah but like yeah what they were doing was like gravy is to biggie what

oliver anthony is to ty Trillers, I think. They're very much trying to. Do you think Anthony Oliver? Well, what's funny is on Spotify, he's Anthony Oliver Music. It's three names. Oliver Anthony. Oh. Did I say Anthony Oliver?

Why do I have a weird thing with his name? My brain will not take his name into it. It sees it. my brain sees the words it's his number one song still rich man north of richmond yeah how many streams does it have 200 million yeah uh-huh he's also got a song called i got to get sober do you think he's the kind of guy that wears those shoes with what are they called with the toes you know how like people will wear shoes aqua socks i guess so like you put your toes in you put your toes in them and you can see the toes in the shoe the shoe is like a simulator of the foot yeah yeah yeah do you think anyone has ever served cunt in those? I'd say plenty of cunts have been served in those.

Plenty of cunt has been served? Oh, yeah. In the bare feet shoes? Some cunt. Some cunt. A little cunt has been served in those. You got to be careful of that one because it is a bold statement to say

that even some cunt has been served. You don't think that's possible? I don't even know if some cunt has been served in those shoes. I would say like maybe a cunt has been served. One singular cunt was served. One singular cunt was served in those shoes. It would have been funny if Zendaya wore some to the Met Gala, though. Sometimes things come into fashion like that.

Did you see Nicole Kidman's dress at the Met Gala? It was white and it opened up around her hips and then just spilled out this black abyss it's like i don't know how to explain it did you see it it was like a big now i remembered something like that it's like a big i remembered a black abyss coming out of a dress. I don't know. Something to that effect. I don't know. I don't know, man. Anthony Oliver music.

What did he wear to the Met Gala? I don't know. But he should have worn like Fudge Round themed colors. Yeah, because like the Fudge Round themed colors is kind of like brown on black. Brown on brown, really. Just like a lighter brown on a darker brown. I could have sworn Fudge Round was a character in a movie. I have no memory of Fudge Round being in a movie. Am I crazy?

Is this another thing that I've done Where I've made up a character that doesn't exist? Have you made up a Maybe his name is like Top Round or something? Have you made up a Bottom Round? I don't know man It's probably something like that

You're thinking of Billy Blanks' character In Last Boy Scout man it's probably something like that you're thinking of billy blanks's character and in last boy scout what was his name i forget it was something round put in billy blanks last boy scout billy banks billy blanks remember billy blake guy last boy scout was he the one that blew his head out in like the opening his blew his head off in the opening scene his brains out you know what i'm saying like he's a football player and he's like on the field and he's like running up the field an amazing scene he's like running up the field. Amazing scene. He's like running up the field and he just starts shooting the people, like the defenders trying to tackle him. You know what I'm talking about?

Yes. Yeah. No, Billy Blanks was Billy Cole in that movie. What? So it's not The Last Boy Scout. Oh, it was, it's not The Last Boy Scout. It's the movie Big Trouble in Little China. Big Trouble in Little China. Why did in Little China Why did I think it was

Was it also Tony Scott Also Big Trouble in Little China is John Carpenter There's no football scene in Big Trouble in Little China You're three foot three And nine hundred pounds And you might not be human. You might be terrorizing guys on an Arctic base. That's the thing.

God. Let me just point out. This character you're trying to find named Fudgering either exists in the Goonies, you're trying to find named Fuddram. Either exists in The Goonies, The Last Boy Scout, some movie that sounds like Longest Yard or something like that.

Yeah, yes, yes. Or one of several John Carpenter movies. You're saying... Not not for nothing you need to re-familiarize yourself with the works of john carpenter it sounds like you're six foot eight and 300 pounds and you're wearing a ski mask and terrorizing the neighborhood that that of course, was Prince of Darkness. I was thinking Jason, personally. Doesn't Jason wear a ski mask? Yeah, he does. That's not Sean Carpenter. Michael Myers is Sean Carpenter.

Michael Myers. Who is Jason? Jason is in the ski mask. Then who's Michael Myers? Oh, he is Michael Myers. Or Jason is Michael Myers? Oh, my God.ers hey you guys this is a great episode of jamalini caps this let me tell you what this episode's been just a series of missed references

and you trying to find out who the hell Fudge Round is. Wait, so wait. Tell me then, who is Jason as opposed to Michael Myers? Jason is Camp Crystal like he wears the ski mask. Or the hockey mask. Okay, so then who's Michael Myers? Michael Myers from the John Carpenter films. Right. We literally watched Halloween in the theater three years ago. I've seen multiple Halloween films with you, and you don't know who Michael Myers is.

Like, one of the, like... I've had to make maybe 100 calories today, okay? Okay, no, I know, I know. Be that as it may. Michael Myers is such a part of the American fabric it's like saying you have you have no clue who george washington is i think yeah but yeah you don't know i have found you you are you are the guy that knew about cancel culture but not covid you you my friend, remember with impressive detail this character named Fudge Round. I totally do not know who Michael Myers is, even though I know factually you've seen at least two of the Halloween films.

It's not Fudge Round. I found him. Man, people are going to hate this one. It's short round, and it's an Indiana Jones. Okay, now I know why you started with the Goonies then at least. But I have no idea how you got to the last Boy Scout. I have literally no clue how you got to the last Boy Scout. I don't know.

It's a boy, and maybe he was a Boy Scout. I don't know. It's a boy. And maybe he's a Boy Scout. Maybe the Goonies. Do you see what I'm saying? In the Goonies, they're Boy Scouts. Yeah. Right? Kind of.

They're young. They're young boys. Yeah, right. And they do scouting. They do missions. They do missions. Yeah. Which is what Scouts do.

Yeah, I get it. So the song would have been, you're four foot three, 90 pounds, you play a character named Short Raph. Who plays Short Raph in Indiana Jones. K. Hui Kwan. Oh, from the Goonies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-huh. He was also in Everything Everywhere at Once, right?

Right, right, right. He's the guy that says, I really wish I could just smoke cigarettes and do laundry in Texas with you and eat your pussy. That classic line from Everything Everywhere at Once. I really wish we could have done taxes in laundry together and I could eat your pussy. And I'd do a little cunnilingus after you make a few slips of the pencil.

I could beat that ass up every night. Every night for the rest of my life. That sweet, sweet ass. Like, ooh, short round. Short round turned me out. Short round turned me out in the alternate timeline last night. Mm-hmm. Well.

Well, there you have it, folks. Well, there you have it. I guess I finally got to the... How long did that take me? 21 minutes. To get to short round. So you can fuse for fudge round. Let me just recap this episode so far

so you came over here having consumed 100 calories i tried to their fame my power said terence maybe we shouldn't record today you said no no no no i'm in a good mood we're gonna roll and then we've made up a scenario okay okay where we're going on the john mulaney podcast which apparently is co-hosted by eric cartman who's not real and oliver anthony who is also not really real i'm convinced is also not real no one has ever seen him in real life no no no no i've seen nothing to suggest he's real and, in fact, much to refute it. Then I said, well, wouldn't it be funny if we did a show where you'd catch tax cheats in the style of To Catch a Predator? I totally forgot that it was Oliver Anthony we were going to get to be our Chris Hansen.

I was just like, Eric Cartman would be our Chris Hansen. Although I will say this, it does bring up an interesting question and we address this on the patreon too of animals that are good sports movies yeah when are we gonna have more of those like uh roger rabbit movies where you've got cartoon people with real with real people they stopped doing them or the paul abdul video where she's fucking that cat that smokes cigarettes you know i'm talking about he's like i really wish we could have done taxes together in laundry yeah that's right turn turn that ass up i saw you in the david fincher film straight up now tell me

it's really gonna be you and me forever. I make no promises, baby. Yeah, Paula Abdul in the 90s was on top of the world. She was fucking the dollar store version of Chester Cheetah. She was. A lot of such examples exist, though. It's true. People still do do it but it's in reverse now back then the conceit was the cartoons were intruding upon the real world

that was space space jam was the actually now i think about it space jam might have been the moment it all crossed over because the plot of space jam was that the humans crossed over into the cartoon world right that's what the pitch was i said listen yeah we're going to turn this trope on its head yeah and put michael jordan in it exactly we're going to send michael jordan into toontown yeah and ever since then that has been the basic plot or premise of all these movies. Because your standard Marvel movie is mostly the same premise. Yeah. It's all like cartoons.

CGI made characters in cartoons with a few real people in them. Yeah. And we can all thank Space Jam for that, probably. That's true. That's the way I see it. If we would have just kneecapped Space Jam. Yeah. Then we might not have had to go to the strikes. We might not have had to spend 21 minutes trying to find a short round.

If that had just been the last movie anybody had ever made, Indiana Jones and the short rounds. And the short rounds. Indiana Jones and his short rounds. Then we would have never had to spend all this time because that would have been the last movie anybody made yeah and we would have known you don't see much of that anymore either you know band name stylized by person's name and and his or their you know like Link Wray and his ray men oh yeah yeah you do see like shannon and the clams like you know somebody and then something's name but the possessive of it right i'm trying to think of other examples

hootie and the blowfish because his name was hootie blow that's right hootie hootie blow hootie blow we all know hootie blow hootie blow hootie blow oh my name is hootie blow let me sing in your ball i'll do this i'll do a game let's do a game where i try to sing with okay we'll make up lyrics to richmond north of richmond and you have to figure out which fictional character saying which fictional character he's referring to okay so for example okay let me pull up the lyric again just real fast because i can't i always forget how he says it he says um okay all right let's see here if you're if you're 100 feet long and 600 tons and you're swimming through the ocean and you're having fun terrorizing a guy named ahab oh maybe that was

maybe that was a little too obvious yeah i mean you gave it away there but i would have got it because i was doing the measurements i was like like, well, it's not Jaws. I saw in your head you were converting to the metric system. The wheels were turning. Yeah, you were like, okay, tons, kilograms, actually. Yeah. And it's not 100 feet. It's meters.

We're talking meters here. Okay. I've got another one, I think. All right, what do you got? here okay i've got another i've got another one i think all right what do you got well if you're seven foot three and your skin's a little bit green and you got bolts out of your neck and you people call you the guy's name that made you this is uh very obviously um franklin roosevelt fdr very obviously Franklin Roosevelt. FDR. Very obviously FDR.

Not a doubt about it in my mind. Oh, God. Hmm. Hmm. What else you got here? Okay. Okay. Let's see let's do a politician

this time okay I actually that's funny you say that because I actually had one go for it if you're 5 foot 9 and 140 pounds

and someone blows your head off from the Texas Book Depository. Your wife's in the bag trying to catch the remains. There we go. There we go. There we go. There we go. If you're five foot nine, you weighed 204 and you did the scandal

known as Teapot Dome. Is it Calvin Coolidge or Hoover? Orangey Harding. Orangey Harding, fuck. God damn it. Teachers should do this in school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're gonna bring in Austin.

We're gonna bring in Oliver Anthony. Music, who's going to sing because he's an educator now. And his friend, his assistant, Eric Cartman, he's like, Hey, guys. Sing along, guys. How about Popcorn? I'll give you one and you give me how we could fit it into Richmond,

North of Richmond. Let's do. Oh, so like in reverse. You can find a character. Let's do Hillary Rodham. Hillary Clinton. Okay. Okay.

You can find a character. Let's do Hillary Rodham. Hillary Clinton. Okay. Okay. If you're five foot two, how tall is she? I have no idea. If you're four foot one.

See, I told Hillary Clinton this. Well, she's not a human. She's like a reptile, right? If you're three foot long and 97 pounds and your skin is like scales and no one wants to be around because you're a fire-breathing dragon.

Hillary Clinton hot. And you're selling women's rights down the river and you call Barack Obama a Kenyan. And you're selling women's rights down the river. And you called Barack Obama a Kenyan. Hillary Clinton's 5'5". Okay. Oh, I wish politicians would look out for minors and not just minors on an island.

Okay, if you're 5'5 and you're 117 pounds and your husband was on that island somehow that I sing about in this next verse, yeah. There we go. That's good. Okay, let's get off of politicians now. Let's go... We could do athletes. Okay. Who do we got?

Let's... What sport do we just actually... Let's see. Let's see. If you're 6'7", and you weigh 300 pounds, and you put on makeup,

and start making the rounds... Dennis Rodman. He's not 300 pounds. He's more like 240. We're like 240. Actually, this is a mashup between this category and the previous one. You're making the rounds in Knoxville, Tennessee, because you're running for mayor.

Oh. Yeah. You're Kane. Kane. I'm Kane. You're Mayor Kane. Yeah. Is this like charades, but with Oliver Anthony music?

I think so. We're going to save this guy's career. We're going to bring him back out of irrelevancy. Back into the lot. Like Oliver Anthony charades. Well, I'm sorry. Oliver Anthony music charades. His artist name is Oliver Anthony music.

Yeah. We're going to bring him back. This is like Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers baby billy's bible bonkers we're gonna bible bonkers baby billy bible bonkers yeah and we're gonna have him pitch a show or a game how about this oliver anthony's bible bonkers yes and we describe the guys from the Bible based on their height and weight. Yes. You're 900 years old and your wife won't fuck you because last time she did, you gave birth to the first murderer.

Your son created murder. Well, if you're five foot seven and you're 200 pounds and you want to see your brother six feet in the ground. Well, you know. Hey, hey, hey, how about this? How about this? Well, if you're 362 and your wife is barren and she can't give you a son because you shoot powdered milk out of your burns.

Wait, what character in the Bible was shooting blanks? Father Abraham. Right. But he had Isaac. Well, I mean. Or did he? Or did he? Is it a paternity in question?

No, no, no. Is it the Bible's conspiracy? I'm not saying the paternity's in question. I'm saying that Sarah was buried. It was Sarah's fault, apparently. Everything in the Bible is a woman's fault. Okay. He was definitely shooting blinks.

Here's the thing, too, bro. 361, you don't have the same vigor. I don't know how old Father Abraham was. I just know he was old. His balls were little prunes. There's no semen in those nuts. Father Abraham was barren. Nobody's thought about that.

Let's just say it. Let's just say it here and now. That wound might have been A-okay. Maybe it was him. It was on him. Maybe it'll be easier for society to accept if our friend Eric Cartman says it. Hey, Father Abraham, he's barren again. Now that Eric has said it.

Well, you can all accept it. That's it. That's it. Remember those things like God said it, I believe it, and that's it? Mm-hmm. Remember that? Mm-hmm. Oh.

Let's see. Oh, let's see. If you're five foot one, but you're jacked as fuck, and they're coming around, making you wear a crown of thorns, and they're putting you... Are you saying... It's not Jesus. I don't think Jesus was that short. Do you think he's that short? It would be funny if he was. Five foot one Jesus? It would be funny if Jesus was five foot one jesus was really yeah yeah it'd be funny if jesus was like a really really short guy

and when they're building the cross they were like yeah you you don't have to the other ones i know jerry i know we usually make these to be like eight foot tall but he's a pretty short guy he's really sensitive about it could you make it as tall as the other ones just to make him feel better you know normal size one Let's see. If you're seven foot three and 900 pounds and you've been exiled to the island of Patmos where you're going to write all of your revelations about the end of the world.

John the Revelator. You got it. How'd you get that one? Man, I'm good at Bible bonkers. Yes. Did you notice he's 7'3", 9'5"? I didn't understand. That wasn't helpful, but the island of Patmos context was like,

Hey, guys, the world is going to end. He sounds like a giant because he is a giant. Well, I mean, but you got to understand, maybe Jesus was short. Oh, no. Hey, guys, I'm here. guys i came here to reveal the end of the world life's a party life's a party we're gonna reveal the end of the world. Oh, no. I can't.

I can't. The world's got to end sometime, someway. God, we're also going to a town where he ran for mayor, too. That's got to be a... Oh, my God. Man, a three-headed angel Oh, my God. Oh, man. A three-headed angel and four horses of the apocalypse.

He was dictating it in his little stone dictaphone in the year 90, 80. He's saying the old skates has always been. Yeah, he's John of Patmos. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I got one. Switching gears a little bit. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Well, if you got two wings and a propeller on the front and you were made by Bow and you're gonna go down. Is this an airplane? They're in here, Boeing 767. But I don't think they have propellers on the front. I don't know what they have.

I don't. That would be funny if Boeing was trying to restore trust in their products. If they put propellers on in their products they were like yeah people love that old-timey look of airplanes these are not functional it's whatsoever purely aesthetic they love the old time yeah they serve no function at all they don't even twist they. It's like we didn't utilize those resources to fix what was really making these planes fail.

Instead, we made aesthetic gestures to enhance the perception of reliability. Exactly. They don't even rotate. They're just completely stationary. It's just stationary. And actually, they create wind breakage or something

that causes the flint. Well, that's one for the safety video. Oh, God. Okay. Oh, let's see here. Let me think here. If you're 6'3 and 700 pounds and you're fighting a war all over the ground in ancient judea and short round comes out of the enemy lines and throws a stone at your head and you're going down i'm going i'm goliath yeah but i also incorporated david so you're the story

of david i'm the story of david and claire yes and short round because you know goliath was just like some guy that is probably shorter than your average nba player because everyone in those days was like five two yeah so if you're six four you were a giant yeah if you were like a guy that's like slightly above average height now you were like a tall guy what if all of your anthony music was like singing about the guy who like cooked him he's like you're six foot three and 200 pounds and you got a dong that goes all the way to the ground you know i walked in the house. And heard my wife screaming out. I thought there was somebody that was in my house. Conservatives are like, this is the best shit I've ever heard.

I don't know why. He's just painting. That's an American story. This is an American story right here. This is our brave truth teller. This is a truly American story. This is an American story right here. This is our brave truth teller. This is a truly American story. God damn it. I'm selling my soul.

Working all day. Old timer. Bullshit pay. Bullshit pay. Oh man, he's gonna fucking... I'm gonna get sued now. bullshit pay bullshit pay oh man he's gonna fucking I'm gonna get sued now I'll put copyright

violated fuck god damn it I'm going to prison or stuck I'm going to prison for sampling bullshit pay

Hank Hill sings the songs of all our Anthony music my god if you're five four three Hank Hill sings the songs of all our Anthony music. My God, if I'm full of free and hanging outside my house, you got a little friend and you're laughing about music videos, whack it in my tool shed.

How lucky are you to go up to the earliest prototype of Hank Keel from Beavis and Butter yeah that's where we all first met him

the original form that's where we all first met him mmhmm oh man fucking A man I'm reading Lonesome Dove Mm-hmm. Oh, man. Fucking A, man. I'm reading Lonesome Dove right now.

Going back to the classics. Yeah, I'm rereading it. It's interesting how owning a ranch is basically podcasting. Say more about that. One person sits around and just talks all day. And another person sits around and is just taciturn and grumpy. Now, that's not the format of this show. But it would be the format of the John Mulaney podcast.

As we've posited with that cast. Exactly. Eric Cartman.. Eric Cartman. Christian Eric Cartman. He's taciturn. He's very taciturn. Christian Oliver Anthony music. Yeah, he doesn't talk much anymore.

Taciturn Eric. Taciturn Christian Eric Cartman. Bullshit pay. Bullshit pay. He's like, John Mulaney and his bullshit pay pay i'm walking off this podcast today he's joining the writers track and i'm in wga now because i don't know i sold enough work yeah man though but but living back then would have sucked

oh i didn't the south park area or yeah the south park area on a ranch or lonesome on a ranch lonesome dive yeah yeah i mean you everything is dust like you have dust in everything. Really? Everything. Like dirt and dust. Is that why they call it the dust bone? Dust. Because there's a lot of dust. Yeah. Everywhere. If you fuck.

If you're fucking. When you sweat all the dust is gonna come off. And in between you and you know on your stomach. You know how when you're fucking and like your stomachs will collect a sweat you know what i'm talking about oh my god well back then it would collect dirt and it would turn to mud. So you would have muddy, sweaty, visceral, just gross shit in between you.

You fucked in the woods, didn't you? Well, yeah, of course I have. I just want you to know that still happens today. I feel like one of the defining things about me everyone always still gives me shit about to this day. What? Is fucking in the woods. When? A long time ago. When did you fuck in the woods? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that.

I do remember that. Everybody always makes fun of me like, oh, like you've never done that. Actually, I'm the only one here that's lived. I have truly lived. Actually'm i've done that's my thing i had sex on a bed of pine needles but the thing is is back then if you wanted to wash off. Back then in 2015.

Yes, the frontier days of 20, the mid-2010s. But Lonesome Dove. Yeah. You've constantly got a, you're digging burrs out of your fingers and toes. Thorns. Oh, you might get a millipede in your ear or something. There's a lot of occupational hazards, being on the ranch. Yeah, I mean snakes.

But here's the thing, though. on the range. Yeah, I mean snakes. But here's the thing though. You're gonna be on a ranch on a cattle drive. If you lived back in those days, would you rather be sitting on a ranch all day doing nothing or would you rather be on a cattle drive in the heart of the action with

shit going on? Yeah, probably wanted a little taste of the action. You would want to be on a cattle drive. I think so. Interesting. Yeah. There's something novel about

chilling in the cup, but in an otherwise nothing to do place, maybe I'd want to be on the cattle drive. I'm with you on that. I think I'm... Wearing my six shooter. Riding my pony on a cattle drive. Riding my...

Stealing a young girl's heart. Just like Gene and Roy. Who's he talking about there? Is that Roy Acuff? Did we talk about this? Roy Rogers. I think we literally talked... Gene Autry and Roy Rogers.

Yeah, I think we literally talked about this on the episode when he died. Saying that we can't find our souls. I had friends. I had close friends that were like, Yeah, I think we literally talked about this on the episode when he died. Sing him them campfire songs. I had friends, I had close friends that were like, the man's not even in the ground and y'all are making fun of him. And I was like, damn, I didn't know we were writing for Toby Keith. I mean, he had some songs I liked. Don't get me wrong.

I'm not lying about it. I'm not fronting. We don't have to go back to Toby Keith. Lonesome dove. Okay. You're like, listen, no,

I feel like I need to set the record straight here. I'm unsatisfied about my stance on Toby Keith from four months ago. I just want to set the record straight. Something's been bugging me for months now. I've not slept. Toby Keith had some good songs. I've not ate. It's just been eating at me.

Just like digging and rolling. Singing them campfire songs. Lord, I should have been a cowboy. Man, I should have been a cowboy, man. I should have been a cowboy. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, my, how the time flies. Oh, man. We haven't even got an hour yet. Really? No. So, back to Lonesome Dove for you. Oh, man. We haven't even got an hour yet. Really? No. Damn. So, back to Lonesome Dove for you.

Back to the corrals. Is Lonesome Dove a town? Lonesome Dove is a town. It's the name of a town. It's the name of a town on the road. I've never read Lonesome Dove. I did see the TV adaptation. Oh, yeah, with Robert Duvall? I think so.

Tommy Lee Jones? I think so. And I lee jones i think so and i think diana danley am i thinking of some tv adaptation of a louis lamore but i sometimes get larry mcmurtry louis lamore what that's an easy mistake to make no way here's the big difference larry mcmurtry only wrote a few old westerns no i i understand that i'm just saying that i know not dig your way out of this whole bitch i'm not trying to the larry mcmurtry estate is gonna fuck you up maybe larry mcmurtry needs to be flattered being compared to louis lamar what few paperback books by louis lamar that's really why i get

them mixed up what song is that that toby keith song no it's uh a drunken poet's dream as rendered by ray wiley hubbard not uh carl way riley wubbered oh my god this is this is high concept stuff folks if you've been if you've listened this far and you're wondering what the hell did i just listen to well folks you just listened to some high concept stuff that's exactly right that is exactly right That is exactly right Oh If there's a plane Or a bus Leaving Dallas

I hope you're on it Let's just sing country songs What else do we gotta do? What else do we have going on? There's no way to talk about anything going on in the world anymore. So we'll just sing the hits for the last 30, 40, 50 years. That's all you can do. What do you know about Roy Acuff over there?

Let me think here. Let me think here let me think here i'm trying to think of um i'm trying to think of a villain who is history's greatest villain i think you know Whose history is Are you googling history's greatest villain I want to see what they have to say I want to see what the people of google Have to say history's greatest Villain

I hope You're on it Pol Pot Mao Zedong Joseph Stalin Adolf Hitler Ad hitler the man synonymous with bad dude is like fifth on that well that's the thing they all do this weird stuff where they're like actually do no mao killed like 11 million people and they're like no oh dude like stalin killed like 30 million people and they're like but but hit like stalin killed like 30 million people and they're like but but hitler only killed like six six million but actually the number is even lower than that

like ever since the end of world world two people have been trying so hard just trying to like make hitler's profile a little more be charitable they really have been trying to like downplay it like they've just been trying to be so charitable to him. Oh yeah. They have to. Yeah. That was like the old UFC fighter that's all the time trying to get people

to debate him on anti-Semitism. Jake Shields. Oh yeah. He had a tweet the other day that said Joseph Goebbels had to make that decision that no father wants to ever make he turned his gun on his wife and kids wait wait wait jake stiltz said this? yeah he said

in seriousness? yeah in 100% it said joseph gerbils had to make the call no father no father ever wants to make he makes him sound like a midwestern dad having to put the dog down because he's got rabies or something yeah just like making him seem like an everyday guy oh good old joe gerb good old joe gerby's had to make a decision no father ever wants no father should ever have to and he had to bury his children and he's like well he killed him but

he only but only because the russian horde was on the way that's like like they knew he knew as a loving father he knew that their fate would be way worse than if he took them with his own bullet that's insane like Chris Benoit had to make a

decision Chris Benoit had to make the toughest call I think I'm gonna kill my family I think yeah

I think it's time I'm gonna kill my family oh my god bullshit pay I think it's time I'm going to kill my family. Oh, my God. Bullshit pay. If you're five foot one, you got the smallest dick ever seen. So you're going to go out and kill every Jew you see. That was Anthony Oliver.

Music. Why is this music why does it say oliver anthony music i don't know is he signed to a record a record label like who is this whoa oh is that his name oh his name is not actually oliver anthony is his name actually christopher anthony lunsford because that's what the song credits on this are the lyric the lyric anthony's the only part of his name that's real that is real what if his name was christopher anthony music and he just changed the first name to be Oliver Anthony Music. Oh, that's so... That's the best you'd come up with? Christopher is a much better name than Oliver.

Well, the other thing, too, is like... You know how people try to do rugged stage names in old Hollywood and stuff like that? Oliver is kind of one of the... Oliver is not really striking any fear in a man's heart you know what i mean no disrespect to the olivers out there i'm sure some of your ass bashers but it's not the first name i go to oliver when i think of i mean like rex would be a name like you'd probably go to right did he think christopher sounded too elitist? It could be.

Lunsford is his last name? Yes, my name is Christopher Lunsford. I'm here to sing you some songs about the working man. About the real America. Like you're the Greenwich Village gaslight. I'm going to sing you all some songs about the working man. Christopher Lunsford sounds like some overqualified, like, classical, like Jeremy Irons. Like, yes, yes, yes, Jeremy Irons.

Ian McKellen. By God, if you're 5'3 and 300 pounds, taxes ought not to pay for your fudge rounds. Which I'm given to understand that jeremy irons probably does feel that way he does or he's kind of got a little bit of conservatistry two two men rubbing and sucking and fucking their dicks off there's something about it i just fundamentally dreadful dread Absolutely dreadful. I wish politicians would look out for

miners. You know what I mean? Coal miners in the ground. Rather than miners on an island somewhere. Just doing God knows what. Doing God knows what. Underaged. With soaping them up.

Christopher Lunsford, are you okay like you're really getting into this fantasy i was just reporting the news i was thinking about the obese who are milking welfare i him saying milk and welfare why did we not give this song any why did we not give it this exegetical treatment at the time because we rushed into it you're right we rushed that we rushed to cut his head off we did like everybody rushed we were ready to just well we'd seen enough you know what i mean from we really what we did man was really unconscious it's unfair we did not give him a fair shake it's fucked up and now he's gone now he's gone forever

he's dead he's a nobody back to nobody he killed himself he made some money that's good he made some money and then killed himself and so killed his wife and killed his kids he made the decision no father wants to have to make if you're sitting there yourself today wondering what happened to all of anthony music friends he made the choice no father ever wants to have to make. He killed his whole family. Because they were down to their last fudge round. They were down, and then he made his kids fight battle royale style over it.

Said, I'll be damned if any of you become 5'3 and 300 pounds. I'm going to split this one. And things got a little gnarly. And then, and then and only then, did he make the choice that no father wants to ever have to make.

Is that well? He slipped a little bit. I'll make sure. No, what he did was this. He was like, my God, I can see it plain as day. They're all going to grow up to be 5'3 and 300 pounds. Better that they meet death right now than to know that good faith and friends he made the choice no father everyone's left to make that's right he said by god

taxes ought not to pay for this we must take it into destiny into our own hands because all this damn country does is keep on kicking us down and just take some that's why we have to kill off kill ourselves and our entire families like this is christopher lunsford this is masterful let me tell you something about jeremy irons there's let me tell you what makes him such a masterful actor my real head's not what I'm talking about out here, but I love when people eat on film and TV, especially when you can hear the clang of forks and a little bit of chewing.

It's very satisfying. Some people might find it off-putting. I do like that. I love it. I do too. Nobody does it like Jay Irons. Nobody does that. Nobody eats on film like that, man.

Nobody eats with a dexterity. Nobody does that. Nobody eats on film like that, man. Nobody eats with like a dexterity and, you know, nobody eats with the kind of like poetic grace as Jay Irons. Oh, my God. I know what you mean. I love the sound of the fork clinking against the plate. Yeah.

Was he in Dead Ringers? He's the main. Yeah. What is this fucking... Doctor something. If you're two inches and 1,000 grams and you're crawling on a pool table and you got a billiard

and you're beating ass against a shark named marianna slim i mean i'll show you me eating on tv there's a movie called margin call that jeremy irons oh margin call rules it's got the guy that played Jeffrey Chaucer In A Knight's Tale What is that guy's name? Isn't that Are we gonna watch Jay Irons eat in Margin Call?

I love Margin Call It's a movie about Was that Jay Irons? it's a movie about well done was that Jay Irons you're not even showing me this you're just watching it well I can't show it to you because is there pornography in it

I forgot Kevin Spacey's awesome oh you don't let me watch oh Kevin Spacey when we get in trouble for playing maybe we shouldn't Yeah. Are we getting trouble for playing? Mm-hmm. Maybe we shouldn't. If you're three centimeters and a couple of grams

and you're walking through town and you see and you're on the lam because your family got killed by developers. And this is your last chance to win at pool against a shark. That's for the Patreon. You're just going to have to go pay $5 to find out about that one.

We're in the part of the program where it's so self-referential that no one even knows i don't even know i don't even know all i know is that young men are putting themselves six feet in the ground because this damn country keeps kicking them down it's a damn shame what the world's gotten to for people like me and for people like you. And you're serving, cunt, wearing barefoot shoes. Hmm. You're right, dude. We rushed to judgment on Oliver Anthony music.

We certainly did. We should have heard him out and given him a fair shake. Given his dick a fair shake. We should have heard him out and given him a fair shake. Given his dick a fair shake. We should have jerked him off. We should have had him on the show. How much time do we have left? I can't do this. It gets hard.

Tribbley's had the Oliver Anthony guy on and jerked them off. It's a really weird thing. It's kind of like how Howard Stern used to have people on and ride the Sivian, but the Tribblies have just been having washed up viral stars on their shows and jerking them off. Oh, my God. Just a really weird segment they've got going on these days over there. What do you have to say about that? Are we done yet?

Oh my god, I'm late. One hour and two minutes. Alright. Are you ready to call it? I'm so ready to call this. Are you ready i'm so ready i'm supposed to do something 20 minutes ago i was i was too actually i was too actually sorry sorry to everybody who i was supposed to do something with 20 minutes ago. Oh. You can support our program on Patreon. The Patreon is mostly episodes like this.

These days. So if you made it this far. Listen, it's important that you support us so we don't have to make that choice no father wants to make. We don't have to kill our families. Please, support us. Go to patreon.com.

The link is in the show notes. You'll find it all there for you. Any final thoughts before I have to make the decision that no podcast host wants to make? No final thoughts. Alright, we'll see you all next time.