Trillbilly Worker's Party - SUNDAY SERVICE 2: Gays and Lesbians of the Bible

Episode Date: April 19, 2020

We tackle all those thorny (and horny) passages from the Bible, like Leviticus 18 and David and Jonathan's love affair in the books of Samuel. Forward your tithings to: www.patreon.com/trillbillyworkersparty

© BF-WATCH TV 2021 Church, if you would, turn in your Bibles, if you brought them this morning, 1 Samuel 18, verses 1- 4. And the Bible says, And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit in the soul of David. And Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day, and would let him go no more to his father's house. Verse 3. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him,

and gave it to David, and his apparel, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle. If you go on down to verse 20, it says, or excuse me,

if you go on down to verse 40, it says, or excuse me, if you go on down to verse 40, it says, And Jonathan gave his weapons unto his lad and said unto him, Go carry them to the city. And as soon as the lad was gone, David arose out of a place toward the south and fell on his face to the ground and bowed down three times. And they kissed one another and wept with one another until David exceeded. Verse 42.

Go in peace for as much as we have sworn both of us in the name of Hashem, saying, Hashem shall be between me and thee and between my seed and thy seed forever. And verse 30 says, Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him, Thou son of perverse rebellion, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse to thy own shame

and to the shame of thy mother's nakedness? New American Standard has an interesting interpretation of verse 30. It says that Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan. And he said, Thou son of a whore. If we go on, church, to 2 Samuel 1, verse 22, we get more perspective on the unique nature of David and Jonathan's relationship. Verse 22 of 2 Samuel says, The battle of the mighty, the bow of Jonathan turned not back, and the sword of Saul returned not empty. Saul and Jonathan, the lovely and the pleasant in their lives, even in their death they were not divided. They were swifter than eagles, they were stronger than lions.

Ye daughters of Israel, weep over Saul, who clothed you in scarlet with other delights, who put ornaments of gold upon your apparel. How are the mighty fallen in the midst of the battle? Jonathan upon thy high places is slain. I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan. Very pleasant hast thou been unto me. Wonderful was thy love to me, passing the love of even women. How are the mighty fallen and the weapons of war perished?

Let's go to the Lord in prayer this morning. Dear most kind and gracious Heavenly Father, Lord, we just come before you this morning asking you to give us a revelation of the subject matter today. Father, we're going to talk about the gays and lesbians and gender non-conforming folks of the scriptures. Lord, we know that many in the church today don't necessarily agree with this lifestyle. Lord, I'll be honest with you,

I wasn't much on it there for a little bit until my own son David got back from art school and brought home his own Jonathan. Things like that happen. It changes a man's mind about some things. Lord, we just ask that we just cover this in a way that edifies you, Lord, and lets those that prefer the company, their own gender and things, to know they too are welcome in the house and that their money spends just the same.

And Lord, we just give you all the glory and the thanks and the praise and the honor for it this morning. And the church said, Amen. Now church, a lot of y'all remember from your biblical history that King David was, yeah, hell, I guess he was a little bit like me. A little bit of a pussy hound of sorts. I guess he was a little bit like me, a little bit of a pussy hound of sorts. Had several wives and concubines. Drank to excess and on one occasion danced so hard that his robe came off and he showed the Lord his hog. But what a lot of you might not know was that the great King David had, how should we say, was living sort of a double life. And that double life was lived with his friend, his special friend, Jonathan. And the scripture tells us that their souls were knitted together

in a special covenant. And, you know, I'll just tell you, I love Brother Ray, but I don't know if I'd say our souls are knitted together in a special covenant or nothing. The Bible says in many parts, if you go look at the book of Romans, that Paul, like many of you that are walking out on us right now, I say get back in them goddamn seats. If you look at what the Apostle Paul had to say in the book of Romans,

he's addressing the Roman church and saying they have some funny ways in terms of their conceptions of what the kids are calling heteronormativity. My daughter came to dinner the other night and talking about, you know, that we was too heteronormative in our approach to things and I said hell baby girl we've had Presbyterians over for dinner on a number of occasions tell me that we're not heteronormative and all that how many of us know tonight church

our Presbyterian brothers and sisters have mostly chosen an alternative lifestyle, and that's fine. That's fine. I'm here to tell you today why in the Scriptures that that's totally fine. If you would, one more time, let's just go back to the Scriptures. If you would, turn with me back to the book of Isaiah. We're going to start in chapter 56, verse 3. And the word says, Let no foreigner who is bound to the Lord say,

The Lord will surely exclude me from his people. And let no eunuch complain, I am only a dry tree. For this is what the Lord says to the eunuchs who keep my Sabbath, who choose what pleases me and hold fast to my covenant. To them I will give within my temple and its walls a memorial and a name better than sons and daughters. I will give them an everlasting name that will endure forever. daughters. I will give them an everlasting name that will endure forever. And foreigners who bind

themselves to the Lord to minister to Him, to love the name of the Lord and to be His servants, all who keep the Sabbath without desecrating it and who hold fast to my covenant, these I will bring to my holy mountain and give them the joy in my house of prayer. Their burnt offerings and sacrifices will be accepted on my altar, for my house shall be called a house of prayer for all people. So you see, folks, the point is when we're talking about our gay, lesbian, transgender brothers and sisters and those not conforming to one gender or the other,

that not only is it acceptable and pleasing in the eyes of the Lord, but they downright thrive. If you look at what David and Jonathan, at the end of their story, they were held as great as lions and eagles in the Scripture. And if you look at what we were just reading in the book of isaiah about the eunuchs the first well not the first obviously but some of the earlier mentions of um gender non-conforming people that the lord welcomes them not only salvation,

but also says that, again, a memorial and a name far greater than the sons and daughters could give, for the name I give them is an everlasting one, and it will never disappear. With that, I just welcome Brother Ray back up to the stage. Thank you, church. As always, you can bring your love offerings, bring your tithes into the storehouse

by logging on to www.patreon.com slash Trillbilly Workers Party. And we just ask that you give as the Lord would see you give. But also we have suggested donations of $69 and $6.90 if that's a little too rich for your blood. And $4.20 or $420. We take it all here. We certainly don't want to put a cap on your giving. As, you know,

just know that when you do bring those ties into the storehouse, it keeps us going here. And we just thank you. And with that, I welcome Brother Ray back to the stage. I know a lot of you aren't used to seeing synthesizers and drums up here. But trust me, it's the future.

It's what the kids are into these days. And we have to attract the youth to our congregation. And we can't do it with just these regular guitars, acoustic guitars. We need big bands, big synthesizers, big drums, big guitars, big amps. It's not going to happen with just these little cajones and these little acoustic guitars. We need to attract the youth and we need to do it now. That's why I've been lobbying Bishop Sexton over here to expand the music ministry budget by at least another couple, $40 or $50.

We're going to do something a little different tonight or this morning. Usually you're used to me getting up here with an acoustic guitar maybe a harmonica singing all the greatest Greenwich Village hits of 1962

except with Christian lyrics. But this week we're opening our doors up to the youth of the world. And we're going to do a little song they like to do called Every Move I Make. Every move I make, I'm making you. Now, before we do it though I need to Share a little Bit of information about the song There's a little part where we break the song down We break it down

The kids love it when you break songs down You gotta break it down And we're gonna break this one down Usually when we break this song. And we're gonna break this one down. Usually when we break this song down, when we're doing it, when we're performing it live at your local high school flagpole, rally around the flagpole ceremony at 7 a.m., wired off of coffee and sugar donuts

in front of about 13 kids, one of which is weirdly dressed like a goth. I've never really understood that. But usually when we perform this song, we have a little breakdown, and we do a little la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la. But you know what? We're going to do a specific coronavirus-themed rendition this week.

And so when I tell you to break down, I want you all to do a little cough, cough, cough, cough with me. We're going to show the world and those germs that we're not scared of them. And we're going to fill this holy place up with as many germs as we can and you know what i don't even think germs are real i was reading the other day that i that about germ theory they only they only decided germ theory was real like in the 1890s so you never know i mean it could just be really bad humors or smells that cause disease. They don't know, folks. That's what science is.

Science is all a big guessing game. It's just a faith, just like anything else. So think about it. We're going to fill this holy place up, God's temple, with as many germs and airborne pathogens you're probably wondering how i know that word as a man of god well i've read a book or two so we're gonna fill this place up so when i tell you to cough i'm gonna need all 24 of 25 of you to cough and fill this place with this many flecks of spit and boogers and snot as you can. All right, we're going to get the Holy Ghost up in this place.

And we're going to prove that we're not scared of those germs every move I make. Every move I make. Thank you. Every move I make, I'm making you. You make me move, Jesus. Every breath I take, I'm taking you. Every step I slip, I'm taking you. You make me move, Jesus. Every breath I take, I'm breathing you.

There's a mercy A way of grace Everywhere I look I see your face Your love has captured me Oh my God in love How can it be? All right, here's where we break it down. You ready? Oh, my God. Ouch! © BF-WATCH TV 2021 ¶¶ It is well with my home Great hymn this morning. Great hymnals.

I just always love when you come do song ministry for us. I was expecting a topical cover of Angel from Montgomery. But not this week. Not this week. Not this week. This week we're talking about, as Bishop Sexton gave us the topic in sermon this morning, we're talking about gays and lesbians of the Bible. The minors.

The minor of the Bible. So where do you want to kick us off? Because I've got some great content for this topic, but I think you might, you know, tell us a little bit about today's sermon. What was the, as best as you understand it. Again, I understand that you are not the bishop. Well, you've got to understand this is all new to me. You know, I never met a gay person until I was 31 years old. But, well, I think it's interesting. You look at the scriptures, and what I was trying to hit at is that, like, God don't want to fuck the bag up.

You know what I'm saying? You know, it's interesting. Every time somebody, like, in the scriptures, somebody, like, says something derogatory about,ogatory about gays or whatever. In the handful of scriptures where God is actually directly involved in the commentary, he always lifts the gays up to high heights. And trans people and all this sort of thing. And it's like, like it says,

if like trans people and, and Samuel, uh, you know, that, that, that, you know,

he'll bestow upon them all these sorts of like gifts and recognition and everything else, you know, for, for coming into, uh, into covenant with him. And then, of course, in the book of Samuel, where he's talking about Jonathan and David's love affair,

he says that even in death they couldn't be separated and they were like as swift as eagles and as mighty as lions or something like that. You know what i mean it's like he just just speaks about all the gays in glowing terms imagine if your dick game was described like that as swift as eagles as mighty as lions god it'd be amazing i don't think that'll ever be said about me but i hope that i hope that that some young writer will eulogize me as such, whether I deserve it or not. Well, so probably the best known,

the most often quoted passage on homosexuality in the bible is obviously leviticus 18 right right this is the one that all the um all of the fundamentalists take their um evidence from for uh proof that god thought that homosexuality was punishable by death. You know what? Go ahead. I was just going to say what's interesting about that is that they don't, in the Leviticus scripture, what they don't take into consideration is that, like, this is,

I mean, Christians rarely do this, but, like, the context is post-Babylonian exile. Their numbers have dwindled and all this kind of stuff. Of course, in the context of that, homosexuality is going to be forbidden because you have to make new tribe members. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? So I think that's why it was specifically forbidden there, but, for example, sanctioned by God if you go to Samuel and look at, like, Jonathan and David's thing.

Well, but don't you think that maybe the David thing was because he was... Do you think God just gave him a pass because... He was the apple of God's eye? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, like, don't you think maybe it might be an example of God selectively being like, all right, David, I'll look the other way. Possibly, because David did some heinous shits. For one, you've got to understand about my man David, he was a sexual deviant.

I mean, he had his best friend that wasn't Jonathan murdered so he could fuck his wife. I mean, the man's depravity knew no bounds. Was he like... Yeah. He was like the Giacomo Casanova of the ancient world. Yeah. My man danced and showed his hog to God when his robe fell off. I mean, just a reveler.

I don't even know what to think about David. I would probably both envy and hate David if he were alive today. I don't know who the modern-day David would be. Maybe Justin Bieber or something. David would be. Maybe Justin Bieber or something. Well, God needed him to beat the Philistines.

Yeah, that's true. David had a fucking career, didn't he? He had a long career. I mean, and apparently Jesus was... The thing about Jesus, right, is that he was supposed to be the descendant of David, correct? Right, from the house of David, yeah. So it could be that God was giving him a bit of a pass. It was like the ancient world equivalent of a hood pass, but it was for being gay.

were being gay yeah well or i think the thing was is that i think jonathan loved david but i think david didn't love himself you know what i mean and so david was a slave to his appetites so you're saying that like jonathan would go in for the kiss and david would be like get the fuck off me bro yeah and then david david was like the um um uh the aaron hernandez character you know what i mean she watched the documentary where it's like aaron hernandez like supposedly which you know i don't know it might be poor form to outsmart posthumously but like the implication for that documentary was that Aaron Hernandez was this hyper-masculine guy that really liked men or whatever, but was like, no, man, I hate fags and all that kind of stuff. And you know the trope. You've seen this in movies where the bi-curious guy makes out with a man then like pushes him down and calls him a slur yes yes yes that was probably david david's probably like having all this like you know

gay sex with jonathan then would just like you know call him a little you know yes i I know what you're saying. Well, again, though, going back to Leviticus. Leviticus 18 is a very fascinating chapter. It's a very short one. But it's got some hilarious stuff in it. Like, you know, like, the nakedness of thy father's wife shall not be uncovered. The nakedness of thy father or the nakedness of thy mother shalt thou not uncover.

You know, it talks about not fucking your father's brother. And it talks about not fucking your mother's sister. It's basically saying any sexual act that doesn't produce offspring is forbidden in this context. Well, I found an interesting article in the New York Times,

an op-ed by Aydin Dershowitz. Dr. Dershowitz. The good Dershowitz. Not the bad one. Okay. It's called The Secret History of Leviticus. And he talks about how outright prohibitions on sex between men was very uncommon in the ancient world.

You know, homosexuality was pretty common. I mean, they call it Greek love, you know. You know, homosexuality was pretty common. I mean, they call it Greek love, you know. But he thinks that this prohibition was added later. Like this was an editorial intervention maybe a few centuries after the fact. So there was a little editing still in the ancient world, but far enough out from the original text that nobody would have been the wiser correct yeah um says there's good evidence that an earlier earlier version of the laws in leviticus 18 permitted sex between men in addition to having

the prohibition against same-sex relations added to it, the earlier text, I believe, was revised in an attempt to obscure any implication that same-sex relations had once been permissible. Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question. It feels like this sort of hyper-masculine stuff is sort of part and parcel of what Christianity is today. as sort of part and parcel of what Christianity is today, if it would have been established from the get-go as a gay religion, how much different do you think the world and the church today would be?

I mean, it probably was. I mean, look, the relationship that Jesus had with his disciples, like, come on. You're going to tell me that... Twelve men roaming the desert for... Twelve men roaming the desert, half covered in clothes, looking hot, you know? Are you going to tell me that that was a strictly...

Not a mention of any of them. Like, I know a couple of them were married, I guess, but not a mention of any of them. Sort of. A couple of them were married, I guess, but not a mention of any of them. They just weren't interested in sex, you know what I mean? Yeah. I know the Apostle Paul wasn't one of the Twelve Disciples, but even he says something like he was kind of indifferent, ambivalent about the idea of marriage. He said that, you know, if you want to, great. If not, great.

You know what I mean want to, great. If not, great. You know what I mean? Right, right. So one could argue they were dedicated to the life of the spirit, but one could also argue that maybe they were just content with being boys on the road. Sharing a 63 pan head. sharing a 63 pan head that this thing it always cracks me up the subject of that uncle don biker story like the main dude's name was dallas divine is that not the gayest fucking name you've ever heard yeah definitely well like even i mean even homo homosexuality is even common in like Hell's Angels groups and stuff.

And that's all the disciples were, really. It's funny. If you ever read Hunter Thompson's Hell's Angels, which in my mind is about the only Hunter Thompson worth reading, they talk about how like the angels were doing this like they were going to these parties at like ken casey's house and like they would just do like debauch shit like fucking like they would just like start like sucking each other's dicks in front of everybody and it was like that they were they framed it as just trying to get a rise out of everybody but come on they were trying to signal they were anti-socials but come on about 30 40 guys riding motorcycles in leather and denim come on well having having been involved in uh acts that aren't

quite heterosexual as an attempt to get a rise out of people, I can tell you that that's just an excuse to be gay. We've all done it, bro. It's cool, man. Let's see. So, Dr. Dershowitz here. Let's get back to Dr. Dershowitz here. He talks about how most of Leviticus 18 is a list of incest laws,

which is pretty funny to think about people writing this, either in the ancient world or a few centuries after, which would also still be in the ancient world. It's funny to think about people sitting down and being like, all right, let's think of every possible incestual scenario, and we have to ban it. You know what I mean? Thou shalt not fuck your mother's third cousin twice removed.

His aunt's nephew. Exactly. So he talks about, he says, most of the incest laws are presented in a straightforward manner, but two are not. The first exception is the nakedness of your father and the nakedness of your mother you shall not uncover. She is your mother, you shall not uncover the nakedness of your mother you shall not uncover she is your mother you shall

not uncover her nakedness he says at first this verse appears to outlaw sex between a man and either of his parents however the italicized explanation the second part of that the part that says she is your mother you shall not uncover her nakedness the italicized explanation suggests that the law actually addresses only one parent, the mother. It is difficult to reconcile the two parts of this sentence. The same thing happens again a few verses later. You shall not uncover the nakedness of your father's brother. Simple enough, right?

The following gloss, however, the second part of the verse, will give you whiplash. You shall not approach his wife she is your aunt by the time you finish reading this a prohibition against intercourse between a man and his paternal uncle has transformed into a law about sex between a man and that uncle's wife um so i think what he's saying here is that it was originally written to sort of hide the tracks of the person originally writing it. And so I can't tell here, but it seems that he's suggesting that not only was sex between two men in the ancient world permitted, it may have also been true that sex between a man and his dad and a man and his uncle was also true permitted man nobody's ever had a normal sexual relationship to their uncle there's always a layer of weirdness

there yeah no comment on that one um yeah it's uh it's um it's interesting one. Yeah, it's interesting, right? It's interesting. Gay love in the ancient world was pretty common. Yeah, well, it's funny that another one of the scriptures in the Bible, or chapters in the Bible, is the first chapter in Romans where Paul's addressing the Roman church. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. or whatever, but the way it reads in context, it's like I hadn't seen you and Tanya for a while, and I come up on your porch and then just start cutting gay jokes. You know what I mean? Just some boys humor, you know what I mean?

Right, right. More so than like a stern rebuke of gay love or whatever. So you think thatul's cracking a joke well i forget the scripture but it's all but he's like basically just kind of like like making fun of the romans for like you know, butt sex. It's more gallows humor than like, oh, you deviant repent ye deviants, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, I mean, I'm trying to find the verse you're talking about. Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, proud boasters inventors of evil things disobedient to parents um well you know i guess a lot of these laws were probably written as forms of social control um but what gave you that idea disrespect disobedient to parents

they really they really they really cuffed us with that one right right parents can do all kinds of horrible shit to you but you can't can't say anything back to them right right but um but i don't know i mean i guess that was was kind of like... So I guess you got to take that in context, too, that Paul was essentially trying to build the church at that point. And so any organizer knows that you need an enemy. And sort of like how we point out the diseased habits of the rich. Yeah. Maybe Paul was pointing out the diseased habits of the Romans

and saying, you know, these are your enemies. Let's all band together. And you know what? It worked in the long run. Still going. It's still going. So I don't know. I don't know. Dr. Dershowitz says, a law declaring that homosexual incest is prohibited

could reasonably be taken to indicate that non-incestuous homosexual intercourse is permitted. A lawmaker is unlikely to specify that murdering one's father is against the law if there is already a blanket injunction against murder. By the same token, it's not necessary to stipulate that sex between two specific men is forbidden

if a categorical prohibition against sex between men is already on the books. It seems that with the later introduction in Leviticus of a law banning all male homosexual intercourse, it became expedient to bring the earlier material up to date by doing away with two now superfluous injunctions against homosexual incest, injunctions that made sense when sex between men was otherwise allowed. Wait a second. Is he saying that it's all right to sleep with your uncle, but if you take it outside the family, it's not okay? Or did I hear that wrong? No, I think he's saying that like some later writer or scholar

who was very homosexual and may have been trying to repress some of his own um feelings uh by getting out in front of it by trying to cover it up he might have made it a little too obvious that he was trying to cover it up oh okay i don't know if that's actually what he's saying but that's my interpretation of it like i don't really understand why else it would make those kind of injunctions against you know the things that you do well let me also say too that like also when we do these gymnastics with the scripture trying to like justify what it says about like actually this is not what it's talking about like it's just stupid i mean

the bible has plenty of immoral like horrible things that it sort of uh permits or you know normalizes or whatever but in this particular case there's much evidence to say that god was not only like not only permitted it in some cases he downright rewarded it good on you david yeah good on you dave uh yeah so it's like also it's like we because you know when you do that thing where you're trying to use the scriptures as justifications for whatever, you start from this vantage point that the scriptures are the absolute moral authority, and I don't think we should look at it that way. Even if you are a Christian, I think you should be able to celebrate the best of your tradition

and cast out the stuff that's obviously ugly and teaches hate and whatever yeah right right so anyway well i mean what do you do instead then like how do you live this is the thing like that's a fine line to walk it's like how do you live a moral life if um i mean is that the is that the answer if the source of your hope is flawed in its morality? Yeah, do you just pick and choose what you like, or do you interpret it how you want to interpret it? Well, I mean, I think now we kind of, well, I won't say now,

I mean, you're talking about we have protesters hoarding the Capitol steps to, you know, so they can go buy fertilizer again put people in harm's way so and and i i venture to say a majority of those people are packing the churches every sunday so i don't know if it's like you know yeah i don't know it's a good question i mean i don't i don't know either i mean the way that I always squared this circle was, if you believe it, this is the reason why I didn't fit in with the Southern Baptist Church,

which is what I was raised in. Because the Southern Baptist Church... Because of punk rock, baby. I was punk, baby. The Southern Baptist Church, one of its core tenets is that the bible is infallible that it was written um at the time by the people living in it and that it is uh in a one-to-one account of all the things that it describes from angel visitations to miracles to everything.

And so the way, and again, this is why I didn't really fit in that well, but I always viewed it as just like anything else, you tell a story and three or four weeks later, the story is going to be completely different. That there's no possible way this document has survived for 2 000 plus years without without some additions and subtractions right um now go ahead i'm sorry no you go ahead i i also want to talk about a little bit too about how like there's this conception that obviously wasn't shared in the ancient world in terms of like gay love but this conception that like a lot of a lot of scripture you see that people point to

and say oh this is like this is why homosexuality is wrong like look at like the story of sodom and gomorrah is like the most obvious one right is like it's not gay love that god is like condemning there it is it's sexual assault they they raped the angels that showed up in sodom and gomorrah you know what i mean it's like that's why it was destroyed. It wasn't like consensual, like same-sex sex. You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, if you assault God's angels, he's gonna wipe your city out, bro. That's all there is to it. There's no two ways about that.

If you assault his boys. Yeah. Well, I mean, so I don't know. You can't take any... if you're a believing person if you're a christian or even if you're just religious in general um like you kind of have to take the text in the scriptures with a grain of salt and um that's the that's the problem with uh organized religion though i guess um i haven't used that term in a long time organized religion um because that's one of those that's one of those smart guy phrases yeah smart guys are guys that think they're

insanely smart but not not. Exactly. Man, I just, you know, I just don't really believe in organized religion. Yeah, exactly. I mean, but that's the thing. It's like generally this is the contradiction of Protestantism is that generally you want to interpret it on your own and sort of come to a synthesis of your own spiritual needs and your own moral guidance in life. And that can lend itself to a kind of individualism. But religion needs organization to be effective in the world. It can't be just an individual interpretation of something.

And so that's why protestantism is just shattered into a million different little um factions and sects because it's uh it can be interpreted in any kind of way that you want to and um i don't know i guess that's a good thing partially and it's a bad thing partially um but you know personally i think the muslims pretty much got it right you know they got the quran and then they've got the they've got that other book i don't remember what it's called i think you're mixing the muslims andatter-day Saints up, but that's okay. Both very strong religions and good choices if you wanted to go that route. No, there's like a book of spiritual hadiths or something like that.

What the fuck is it called? Yeah, it's called the Book of Mormon. It's a Hadith. Yeah. It's what Muslims believe to be a record of the words, actions, and the silent approval of the Islamic prophet Muhammad. Right. And then you've got the Quran. Like, dog, that's a lot of scripture.

That's a lot of text. That's a lot of text. Again, it's why it's the adult religion. Yeah. But I don't know. If you're really looking for conformity, though, and strict discipline, just go Catholicism. You can't go wrong there. Catholicism is kind of tight.

I mean, other than the child sex thing. But, you know, you've got a bunch of different saints. It's polytheism, basically. That's pretty tight. Yeah, it's Christianity for polytheists, and there's something about that I kind of like. I kind of like the saints. Yeah. Who's your favorite of the saints?

Um, I don't know. I mean, Saint Bernard, the dog? Bernie lost already, man. Just let it go. I like St. Christopher mostly because the Vatican pulled his credentials. Which I guess makes him not a saint anymore.

What about Yves Saint Laurent? Yves Saint Laurent? Yves Saint Laurent? Yves Saint Laurent. Yves Saint Laurent. I'm a YSL man too, but I don't think that's part of the Catholic bag. Although those robes are. Those robes hit different. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Well, we're clearly at the bottom of this content well. So let's wrap things up. at the bottom of this content well. So let's wrap things up. At the end of the last service, I said I was going to be giving you all godly music for an ungodly world, a Christian music guide to secular music that will help you maintain

piety and religious discipline. Are you going to do an equivalent chart? If you like Mitski, listen to this. I should do a whole new equivalent chart. The thing is, my knowledge ends at around 2004 or 3. But anywhere between like 92 and 2003, I've got like an encyclopedic knowledge. So this week,

I had this one set aside specifically for this week, but I dug into it a little bit and realized that the underlying premise was incorrect. So the song I wanted to do this week was All Star United. Do you remember that band? All Star United. I missed All Star United, I think. You would recognize them if you heard them, but they actually had a small crossover hit because I think their song was featured on a preview for the OC or something.

Remember that show, The OC? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe it was another show. They had... It was... Okay. All-Star United songs have been licensed in recent years for use on ABC's The Evidence.

The movie saved the trailer for Superbad in multiple CBS network imaging campaigns um so i picked this one because i always heard when they were big they were big in like 98 around 97 98 2000 i always heard that their keyboardist had to quit because he was gay yeah and so i was gonna pick this song for that reason just as a shout out to him like hell yeah uh live your truth man you dodged a bullet my man yeah but i dug into it last night and that's not why he left the band he left the band in 99 that's not why he left the band was he gay though no um apparently not apparently the opposite he left the band because he got his girlfriend pregnant.

Still, man, live your truth. I mean, could you imagine having to quit your CCM band because you got your girlfriend pregnant? That's the scandal that does you in. It's literally the only thing that can put you out of business in that world. Well, the being gay thing probably too, yes But only those two Well, so this would be I think the biggest one-to-one comparison with this band Is that band Fastball

You know, they had that Yeah, that Or like Everclear That would also be another band that they kind of sound like. Man, to me, all CCM bands sound like those 90s bands like that. Like Lit. Yeah. Those kinds of bands.

Well, they were trying to. That was the thing. And it's like that Sonic Flood song from last week. They were explicitly trying to sound like secular songs to give you an alternative. Yeah. A fantasy world. And so some of them succeeded.

Some of them did great. Some of them were masters. Like DC Talk. DC Talk was the uncontested masters of taking secular music and turning it into very catchy Christian pop. But All-Star United was a very brief blip on the scene. So we're going to hear the song Smash Hit from them. They also kind of sound like Smash Mouth in a way, I guess.

A little too on the nose on that, but yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right, well, we're going to go out to All-Star United Smash Hit. Go with God this week. Contribute to the Triboli's Patreon tithing plates at patreon.com slash triboliworkersparty. We'll go with God this week. We'll be praying for you, everybody.

We'll see you next time. All he needed was PR A million bucks for business cards Careful image consultation Securing reputation A clever market plan He didn't understand That's all it really takes He could have played for higher stakes

Now, somehow, we've gone wrong Outro Music It's a smash hit It's gone worldwide