Trillbilly Worker's Party - The Blair Branch Witch Project, Part 1

Episode Date: October 24, 2018

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Music Music Music Music Music On the evening of October 12th, 2018, three friends retreated to a remote cabin in the woods to conjure a spirit to appear on this stupid leftist podcast. They were never heard from again.

Folklorists and archivists have recovered the audio, however, and intend to use it to apply for a grant. Fortunately for you, those folklorists have decided to release the audio to the public. Here is their story. Okay. All right, listen to this. Check this out. The Oxen Nuns. This is from the Encyclopedia of Witchcraft and Demonology by Russell Hope Robbins. He's a fellow of the Royal Society of Literature.

So he's British, right? He's got to be British if it's a Royal Society of Literature. Sounds right. Oxon. I don't know how you would say this. Oxon nuns. Sounds right. Oxon.

I don't know how you'd say this. Oxon nuns. The nuns of the Ursuline convent of Oxon, allegedly possessed by devils from 1658 to 1663, are less... That's a long time to spend possessed by devils. Especially when you're nuns. Five years. Six years.

Five years. Okay. All right. They're... What does it say are less known than their sisters at i improv on i can't fucking say these words but their story is similar and almost as lurid its chief difference is that the sex-starved girls made accusations of improper conduct not against their father confessors but against their 47 year old mother superior accusations of lesbianism and comments were not often publicized coming later than the other demonstrations of possession however the attacks at exxon

were subject to closer scrutiny consequently the accused mother superior was found innocent and physicians testified that the possession was fraudulent. The story built up over five years but did not break into the open until 1660 when charges of witchcraft were made against Barbara Bouvier. Eight nuns were sexually stimulated by one of the convent's two confessors the ugly but young Father Nouveau.

The ugly but young. The fuckable Father One nun Marie Barthon On his account Suffered great temptations Of the flesh

Others Especially during menstruation Had erotic fantasies Only witchcraft Could be the cause Only Because he was linked with the nuns' temptations, Father Nubile

suggested he too had been bewitched. Two peasants were therefore seized and accused of witchcraft. Bewitched by the pussy. Alex, put your headphones on. Why don't you join in? Let's see.

But since no evidence was produced, the court sentenced Miller to banishment. As they left the court, however, a mob lynched them. The next step was exorcism. Father Nouveau-Lay conducted some services in the chapel where amazing spectacles occurred. Sister Denise, with only two fingers, lifted a heavy vase which two strong men could scarce move.

Other nuns adored the sacrament by lying on their bellies, head and arms raised off the ground, and their legs bent backward to form an arc. Holy shit! So is this like where, you know, that's a bridge? Yes. That's sort of a, like a London, what

was the sex move? Oh my god, I wasn't fucking talking about that but i was jesus bridge like the stretch you do not like the eiffel tower and you got it wrong but this also happened in well well you got to read the circumstances here, beer. Okay. Father Bouvier's turned these ladies on. Now they're contorting themselves. Right, right, right, right.

I already knew this. The fuckable Father Bouvier. Jesus Christ. It's funny. Well, that's sort of the whole, like, arch the back thing. Sort of a trope in, like, these, like, demonic possession movies now. Why is that? So that's probably where this comes from. Oh, you mean it's like the move...

Stretching your body inhuman-wise. Do you really think it's an arch? I feel like... But you mean like the body kind of like... Yeah, it's contorts. Yeah. Well... It's like Lisa Lam or what is that one?

The Lisa Lam case. Because the way she had her hands like yeah creepy shit and body to see what they grew yeah it's creepy to see your body do things that it wouldn't normally do it's creepy to see bodies do things oh yeah lisa lamb was probably just doing the insane johnny but like bodies bodies doing weird shit is like some of the scariest like do you remember in Louisville, that basketball game where you saw the motherfucker's like meat bone go through his leg? Oh, yeah. Like that, like that is the dark webs.

Like stuff like that should be put on the dark webs. You know what I mean? Like fucked up shit happens to bodies that just like fucks you up forever. The slaughter of witches in Germany was greatest in the territories ruled by the prince bishops. This is in Germany. Let's see. Let's see what else we got here. Hold on.

Okay. Okay. Anyways, I didn't finish this. Barbara Bouvier, Mother Superior since 1651, had quarreled with Father Nouvellet's predecessor, Father Baudon, whose three sisters were members of the convent. For her insubordinationination she had been punished with fastings and floggings since she had also opposed the exorcisms by father nouvelle she seemed the cause of the nuns possession on october 28th 1660 sister saint colombe was formally accused of

witchcraft on november 13th she was put in heavy shackles in solitary confinement and on january 5th 1661 was brought to trial for witchcraft before they parlaient mais à Dijon. The nuns were unanimous in their attacks on Sister Saint-Colombie, Barbara Bouvier. Sister Henriette

Cousin testified that Barbara Bouvier put her hand on her bosom and passionately kissed her. She put her hand on her bosom and passionately kissed her. She put her hand on her bosom. Is this lesbianism you're describing? It is. When Sister Henriette protested, the mother superior, she said, replied she thought she was kissing a holy statue.

Damn. Oh, the old kissing a holy statue defense, huh? Wait, that was like the finest compliment anyone could give someone that is like game you're right that is a hell of a compliment my bad i thought i i thought i was kissing the statue of a goddess i thought i was kissing the statue of mother mary herself good point alex uh that is a that's like one of those like you know pick up on Mother Mary herself. Good point, Alex. That's like one of those pick up lines. Marvel.

A sister whom Bear Bothan had visions of hell in which the Mother Superior had put un serpent des lapantis. Oh, de la parties. Panty, sir. And having embraced her,

lay down on her like a man on a woman. Sister Charlotte Jolie had seen the mother's appear, kiss with the tongue Sister Gabrielle de Malo. Hey, this turned real hot. Yeah, and place her hand under her petticoat while both made reciprocal touchings. Sister Francois Borthon, often violated by the devil Asmodeus,

swore Barbara Bouvier had once made her sit across her knees and had put her finger into her private parts just like a man would have done. Furthermore, Barbara Bouvier had said the nun was pregnant and had put her hand in her and pried open her secret place, causing a lot of blood, both clear and clotted, to issue out. Holy shit, man! I don't like this.

Another sister had a vision of Barbara Bouvier, who appeared to her holding in one hand a stolen sacred host on which reposed la partie hondose of a man. In the other, an artificial phallus made of linen with which she committed on herself impure acts. So let me just pause right there. What it sounds like to me is that one of these old priests walked in on an orgy, like just a big gay lesbian orgy, and then it's like, well, the only explanation for this is witchcraft.

All right, all right. I think... But do you think, though, that though that she was like stepping out of line bouvier do you think that maybe she was being a little too uh aggressive and uh predatory kind of sounds like she was oh yeah this is definitely some of those fucked up catholic shit that's you're all the time here in nevada you're really all time reading about now some of that fucked up Catholic shit. They've been done fucked up Catholic shit for hundreds of years now.

Sorry, Alex. This is not a Catholic hating podcast. Although we can make it one if you want to. I just don't really know what... I mean, yeah, you're right. I guess there's more sex stuff going on. But I just feel like it's like a part of all of Christianity. Yeah.

Yeah, you're right. The charismatic Pentecostal preachers usually just fuck kids well i guess the catholics i guess they all had that in common yeah yeah yeah one of history's ironies is the justification of witchcraft on biblical texts written originally from a religion which had no devil catholics and Protestants quoted Exodus 22.18, Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. But the Hebrew word kaskag, occurring 12 times in the Old Testament with various meanings, here means, as Reginald Scott pointed out in 1584, poisoner,

and certainly had nothing to do with the highly sophisticated Christian conception of a witch. Yet the domination of Holy Scriptures was such that these mistranslations fostered the delusion. After the execution of Goody Knap at Kent in 1653... Brit speak is the fucking worst, isn't it? I'm Goody Knap, nice to meet you. No, that sounds more like a northern British... Isn't there like, there's like Cockney and then like the Fine. I'm fucking goody nut, man.

Sitting here on my Jack Johnson. Listen, mon. I can't fucking do it right now. I'm all over the place. A neighbor said it was long before she could believe this poor woman was a witch or that there were any witches till the word of God convinced her, which saith, thou shall not suffer a witch to live. I don't know.

Tom, what do you think? This seems to be making the case that witchcraft wasn't as condemned in the Bible as we were led to believe it was growing up. Well, you know, it's funny. With all my perverse fascination with witchcraft, I don't really know much about what the Bible says other than the Exodus passage. And then stories about... It is kind of weird when you think about well, I guess... Witchcraft seems like

fairly new. You know what I mean? In human history? Yeah. Think about the time period of the very earliest witchcraft that like comes to your mind you know what i mean well i mean i think witchcraft probably existed before christianity didn't it uh well i think that i know what you're saying though you're talking about

like western conceptions yeah western well i think that a lot of these sort of like um Well, I think that a lot of these sort of like witchcraft stories were in direct sort of subversion of Christianity. Right. And so basically it wasn't even real. It was basically like a sort of subculture, like a sort of culture of resistance or something to to the sort of larger hegemonic whatever. In this case, Christianity. Yeah. It was basically an excuse to have an orgy.

To live deliciously. You know how it says that on that movie, The Witch? Just to have a little fun. That was like to live deliciously. Do you like that movie? Okay!

Okay! That's what I've said. The devil asked me if I wanted to live deliciously. Okay. No, okay. My life kind of sucks. No, go ahead. Okay.

Okay. Yeah, totally. Also, another plausible scenario here is going on is that, so these nuns are in this convent and uh you know everybody runs out of content and sometimes you want to try something new you know so maybe what happened here is they've just ran out of content and you know dabbling a little lesbianism a little witchcraft they did what i did the other night. They turned Tinder on same sex. Hey. Just doing a new thing.

Let's see. North, let's see, night spell. A charmer gets harmed by night, especially against the nightmare

or mare. We need that. We could use a good night spell right now. Are y'all coming across anything good in your books? Man, do you, are you really actually successful at reading things and talking about something at the same exact time?

Um, I think I can do it. It's a little difficult. I don't, I don't believe it. It's a little bit like, uh, you think I'm making it up? Yeah. I just don't really know if I believe the brain can like be reading something, taking it in and comprehending it. And at the same time,

speaking words in a conversation. Uh, what I do is as a hack, as I just laugh over it, like, um, to make it sound like I'm actually invested. I'm really not invested.

My brain's a million miles away. Anytime I've ever laughed at anything you've said. Right. Those weren't real. It's just been my way of not having to invest in the conversation. It's autopilot. Man, did you know that witches have dabbled in race science a little bit? Really?

Race science? Yeah. Oh. Physiognomy. Yeah, that sounds great. That sounds like a great Vindic. Come on. Come on.

Basically, it looks like they were drawing some Irishmen here. The last point is the hair, which also shows certain aspects of the character. Our authors seem to have forgotten, however, to assign any astrological relation to it. By what Coakley said, the person on the left in figure 238 who, I'd say, looks more like a Greek or a Roman, with short coarse bristling hair, this person, will be strong, self-confident,

bold, proud, deceitful, and simple-minded rather than wise. That's a description that's more like an Irishman. The person facing him, on the contrary, with straight, sleek hair, fine, and soft as timid weak. Are you just inserting Irishman?

Fine, strong hair, soft, tender. As timid weak, physically speaking. Peaceful and gentle. A man whose hair covers the temples. The part of the forehead forehead as in figure 239 a simple vain luxurious credulous rustic in speech and manners and thick-witted as for the beard of

the person on the right in the same figure this denotes brutality vengefulness i can tell i could looks brutal in the spirit of domination i could get there. As we see, physiognomy is before all a science of intuition. He's got one of those sort of like rags over his head that... Yeah, he looks like a berserker. Yeah, what's a berserker?

You know. No, what the fuck is a berserker? You know, I've just seen them... Let me show you. Show you guys what a berserker looks like. Oh, this is a massive entry on Exorcism. Hell yeah. Wow.

This book is incredible. The berserkers were Norse warriors. Oh. I couldn't remember where they were from, but I know what they looked like. What is the book you're looking at? You probably said it, but I was not listening. My book is The Encyclopedia of Witchcraft and Demonology. What year was it published?

Let's see here. It was published in... Well, that's the introduction. It doesn't say. No, here it is. 1959. 1959. Well, what I was going to talk about in the Bible, though,

the only other two passages I know that really pertain to witches are when, you know, the soldiers who were casting lots for Jesus's linens, which sounds just kind of more like gambling than actual some sort of witchcraft. Right. And then the other in the book of Revelation where it says that soothsayers

will have their part in the lake of fire. Oh, damn. It's all you soothsayers out there. What's wrong with telling the future? Why is God pissed about that? What's so wrong about telling the future? You do it. I'm pointing to God when I say that.

Maybe he wants a monopoly on it. He doesn't want anyone running him out. Hey, listen, that's kind of my thing, guy. He just comes and shakes you down like a mob guy. Hey, buddy boy, put away the tarot. That's kind of my thing. Right. Only I know the future.

Either that or you're going to have to pay up. Pay up. Look at this entry. This entry is Fascination. Fascination. That's the name of the future. Either that or you're going to have to pay up. Pay up. Look at this entry. This entry is Fascination. That's the name of the entry. Of the various magical folk beliefs which were incorporated into the theological framework of witchcraft, fascination, or the evil eye, was one of the most primitive and extensive. Oh, the evil eye.

I've heard about the evil eye. Every civilization has believed that evil can be affected merely through hostile looks and a word for this conception occurs in nearly all languages european and non-european wait say evil can occur through only hostile hostile looks you know when you shoot someone the evil eye oh my god oh my god that is such a strange concept and it's predominant in every human civilization pretty much going back to the time really though guys when you peel the layers back there's no real great secret there you're just kind of pissed off at somebody and sometimes i don't know you've never like really like i just feel like like sort of your vibes you get might be more actually like sort of like you taking in the looks and just not really knowing or something you

know what i mean just totally there are some people who just like they're just like look or just the way you feel around them you know what i mean you're just like you know they're evil yes um no it's probably more fucked up and racist you know what i mean oh yeah yeah totally fascination simply means bewitching or enchanting from the latin fascin fascinum fascinum who the fuck knows this word was also used for the counter charm against the evil eye generally a phallus so when somebody shoots you the evil eye you shoot them your dick yeah wait say that read it again okay hold on fascination simply means bewitching or enchanting from the latin fascinum this word was also used for the counter charm against the evil eye generally a phallus

that's what it was the super counter term against the evil eye counter charm so i don't know i don't know what that means i don't know if you counter charm against evil like it's fucking magic like it's good magic against the evil eye right yeah that could not be right a dick that is not right that is not right i've just just reading what it says. No. No, no, no. No, we've just enshrined perversion in all of our cultural norms. There's no way. The superstition was enshrined in the Bible.

From within, out of the heart of men proceed evil thoughts and evil eye. Mark 7. Matthew made the link between the evil eye and the evil person or which if thine evil if thine eye be evil the whole body shall be full of darkness this better cast your eye i like that get into heaven yeah i like that if someone's whole fucking body is if someone's eye is evil then their whole body's full of fucking darkness um just a word to all the haters out there that's right christ himself gave an example when he cursed the fig tree so that it would withered damn i forgot about that that's a badass power hold on a second jc seems like you're dabbling in the dark arts a

little bit yeah yeah he did some witchcraft have you ever known anyone named jc no jimmy carter jimmy carter that would be a funny ass. Like, I haven't either. That was a dumb question. I did know guys named Jesus. Jesus? Yeah, you ever known a Jesus? I don't think I have, but I know it's a name.

It's just a badass name. Oh, yeah, it's fucking badass. Or angel? Oh, yeah, that's good, too. Angel. Yeah. Hell, yeah, it's fucking badass. Or angel. Oh, yeah, that's good, too. Angel. Yeah. Hell, yeah. Angel.

In the 13th century, Thomas Aquinas noted that children were especially vulnerable to glares from old women, and he was echoed by a succession of demonologists. Veneti in 1450, Nieder in 1470, and the Inquisitor Bernard de Como, 1510. Anybody who's got the word Inquisitor prior to, where are you going? I'm, this puppy, I just don't know, you know, it scares me what you could be getting into. I understand. Sally! Sallow!

The Malleus Maleficarum 1486 warned that there are witches who can bewitch their judges by a mere look or glance from their eyes and publicly boast that they cannot be punished. Del Rio in 1599. Yeah. You can't get me. You can't get me, baby. King Kong ain't got shit on me. Del Rio in 1599 finally summarized the accepted views. Fascination is a power derived from a pact with the devil who, when the so-called fascinator

looks at another with an evil intent, he infects with evil the person at whom he looks. This power of fascination entered many witch trials. the person at whom he looks. This power of fascination entered many witch trials. Janet Wishart, who was burned in 1597, is a classic example in Scotland, and Bridget Bishop provides a good illustration of the power of the evil eye in American witchcraft. Well, anyways, that's the end of that entry.

Fascination, though. I didn't know that if someone shoots you the evil eye, the counter curse is the dick. The D. Seems pretty problematic if you're asking me. Honestly, I'm gonna be honest with you. It seems a little... You know, it's not...

Not okay. Not okay. But it's not like... Also, on the other side of the coin, it's not like also on the other side of the coin it's not like you can just be cursed what if you just walk around cursed because you refuse to be uh you refuse to be problematic and show your dick just walking around cursed as fuck but you've got the moral high ground you walk around just your life's in shambles you're breaking out in sores and blisters locusts eat you right but you're a good person i've got my integrity intact oh god kills your wife

oh my god that's funny um you want to hear about packs with demons yeah hell yeah i want to hear about packs with demons um the reader will certainly have remarked that all the texts we have just been considering are characterized by a strange mixture of hebraic and christian piety little in accord with demonomania that's a very cool word of great word of the sabbath which included frankly satanic ceremonies such as the act of renouncing the gospels or trampling the cross underfoot which is also um what they uh accused the knights templar of of what trampling the cross you know the knights templar sort of the forebearers of the masons and all that kind of stuff and who knows if that's really true but that's kind of

the deal and did you know this I didn't know this but up until just a few years ago you could not be a Catholic and be a Mason really because the Catholics persecuted the Knights Templar in Europe

so they so they could buy up like all the buildings and all that kind of stuff the catholics are some og capitalists so you're saying they used to actually sell what we looked this up the other night oh indulgences for sins for sins yeah you're right so they were the first to actually monetize the concept of like forgiveness sin. You know, did you just say, though, that you wouldn't be let in to be a Mason if you're a Catholic? If you're a Catholic, yeah.

So that's like... This is, I mean, like, this is until maybe the earlier mid-2000s. I don't know. I feel like this sounds very, very, very familiar. Like, I want to go with it, but I don't know. If it is true... It sounds legit. If it is true, it sounds legit.

If it was true, it would mean it's like an 800 year grudge. The Masons? That's a whole different level of petty. I mean, I feel it. Like, what the fuck did the Masons do?

Well, do y'all know like, you know, the famous image of the Baphomet? Oh, yeah, yeah. Like the, you know, the goat man or whatever you know it's supposed to represent satan or whatever that actually was a catholic creation that was used

as like damning evidence against the knights templars so they could like legally justify like rounding them up and killing them holy shit they could round up and kill who they said they basically they basically drew up this and what it really didn't draw this image up this 19th century french magician named elias levy drew this guy and so the catholics were like that looks kind of trippy and so they took it they took it and said look here this is who the knights templar have been praying to and then everybody's like oh fuck that we're goat man kill those bastards gaming they took it and said, look, here, this is who the Knights Templar have been praying to. And then everybody's like, oh, fuck that. We're goat man.

Kill those bastards. Gaming. So anyway, there was a big grudge in Catholics and Masons didn't really jail until like 2003. Like, what do the Masons really do? I mean, like, I know a lot of people are in them and it's like i feel like but what really what are they about as far as i could tell they just like uh that's who the the the adult the that g sign with the in the compass yeah in in money and everything on everything

oh yeah yeah yeah yeah they're very pervasive, they're the world's oldest fraternity. They're like... Problematic. And it's funny because... Do you love them, Tom? It's funny because... But... Tom's like, yeah.

But having gone through a sort of occult indoctrination as part of a fraternity initiation ritual... You can understand why? You can see it? Well, they're all the same. Like every... All the frats are the same no if you go look at the mason's ritual initiation it is the same as every fraternity's

ritual does that feel weird like is it like certain so you mean like a certain set of handshakes well that's more than that okay i'll never betray the secrets of Pac-15. Oh my god, kill me now. But, on an episode recently, you said you would because you renounced them. I have renounced them, but I took an oath. This is gonna get heated. He's a man of his word.

Uh-huh. Now we can time out. You wanna time out? Let's take a break. I don't wanna go smoke anyways. Smoke what? Oh my god. Let's take a break. I don't want to go smoke anyways. Smoke what? Oh my god. I've been busted. He's gonna kill you. Why are you doing this to us? Because you're a home.

Oh, no, hell no, you don't. Sorry, I forgot to tell you what happened earlier. Like I said when I came into the house, what just happened to me outside, if this was going to be a horror movie... Okay, so the pretext for this story, actually. This actually works pretty well. The sort of context pretext for all this. I never use those words correctly.

Is that we were going to bring a Ouija board and exercise. Then Tom forgot it. And then it magically became my responsibility i gave you one job okay so we don't have the ouija board but we could just um it actually makes the story even better do you guys know what what, though? I think it would be nice, Tom. I did pack some other stuff in place from Ouija board. Like spooky stuff? Yes.

Like what? Like different herbs. Oh, you got some herbs? Yes, herbs. Burn some crazy shit? And shit to burn shit out of. So we could still try to summon a spirit. Oh, yes.

I thought that that's what we were doing tonight. And so I packed all this stuff, but I didn't even think about the Ouija board. But I thought, oh, I guess he was thinking about the Ouija board. So I have other shit, but there's not a Ouija board. Look, we don't need one. We don't need one. Right? All we got to do is create the right conditions.

I don't know how you do an incantation without a Ouija board. Are you kidding me? It's not my area of expertise, so I'm saying Ouija is my preferred method of communication with the other side. Oh my gosh. I just want to know. I'm down with the Ouija board and everything, of communication with the other side. Oh, my gosh. I just want to know. I'm down with the Ouija board and everything, but there's never been... The Ouija board is like cable internet, whereas your way is more like dial-up.

I've seen enough of these shows to know how to do it. All you got to do is be like, is there any demons here right now? Demons? Ghosts? What the hell are you how to do it all you gotta do is all you gotta do is be like is there any demons here right now demons ghost the hell you trying to do demons i'm not doing this if you don't want to be nice yeah i want to talk to like dead people not malevolent dead people what are you talking about what but dead people are probably just boring you want to talk to the bad you think they're just boring? You think the demons are just like, there's something bad.

I think I like this. I think I chose this life. Look, we need demons right now. The left, we're not doing so well. We need more numbers. We need demons. The left has some demons. And you know,

that is also true. If the old adage that satan's the first union organizer is true then you know at least the demons are sympathetic to labor i've heard that yeah you never heard that bring on the fucking demons i did not hear that that's fucked is that door shut i did yeah that's shut up motherfucker that was a dog but but now that was a door that shut stop i hate when you guys do this because you guys don't get scared i hate this because i am scared and the conditions all right terrence say this that's the thing about that now hanging out with you guys anything interesting that's about to happen

uh what we save we save oh yeah anything interesting it has to be saved any content we have to sit on so we can record it all right well wait all right so i have been waiting for this the story is that if this was a horror film film, if what we are in right now is a horror film, then the exchange that I just had outside was A plus like intro scenes to a horror film. Oh, yes. But you couldn't have drawn it up any better. Oh, no better. Like me and Tom, this like just, you know. Oh, yes. But you couldn't have drawn it up any better. Oh, no better. Like, me and Tom, this, like, just

you know. No. Yeah, we're in this. To set the scene. We're in a secluded house. Yes. No one around for. In the woods of Southwest Virginia. For miles. There's an abandoned house up there. Yeah, and a car started coming down

the driveway. A single car car which is a long driveway oh yeah and it's like a driveway like no fucking people come down this driveway if they're not expected a quarter mile to the road exactly like see even signs that are like if you're not you don't know where that's where you're going it's like turn around this isn't where you're going. It's like, turn around. This isn't where we're going. So we were all standing around in the house and we said, oh shit, who's that? And it's like it's like I was even dressed like a character

in a movie. Like a dumbass. I was wearing a black jean jacket. Like a total fucking dick. Me and my friends are staying here this weekend. We're on spring break. We're kind of familiar, but not really

familiar with the house. Can you recommend anything to do around here? This is literally what happened. I walked out. Hold on. We were sitting in here. I got ahead of myself. And Terrence goes, I'll go talk to him. I'll go talk to him. I'll go take care of it.

I'll go take care of it. Yeah, it makes sense because he's kind of like the leader of this, you know? Terrence is the plug. The plug, right. Right. All right, guys. I'll go take care of it. And also, in this scenario, I'd be the first to die.

You realize that, right? I don't know. I'm the single one. I'm going to be the first to go. You realize that, right? I don't know. I'm the single one. I'm going to be the first to go. No, no, no, no. You're wrong. No. Because if we were to have sex, we'd be the first ones dead.

Can't fuck in a horror movie. That's true. That's true. Is this fair to say that ghosts are sex negative? Murderers, psycho killers, they're all sex negative they don't like that's that is actually what do you mean they're not rapists no they kill everybody that fucks in scary yeah they hate sex that's true like it the the horror movie universe tends to punish those who express themselves sexually well if you're fucking you're catching a blunt object through your intestines

no doubt about it just because you mean is it but i mean you know when you think about even in like the the the like man evolving right like sex is one of the most vulnerable actions you could possibly do. Very true. So it makes it more horrifying in some ways. It raises the stakes of the horror. There's even a phrase, getting caught with your pants down. For being in a vulnerable situation. So that's a good observation.

Yeah. So I said, all right, everybody. I'll go out there. I'll go talk to them. So I said, all right, I'll go out there. I'll go talk to them. And I had a hard time seeing through the glass of the window because the window was dark. And their face looked grotesque.

What? It looked grotesque. No. It looked grotesque. You're throwing this in here for a fact. No, I'm not. I swear to fucking God. He was a little spooked when he came back. Did you not see me?

Did you not see me through the window looking like I was trying to get a good glance. I swear to fucking God. He was a little spooked when he came back. Did you not see me? Did you not see me through the window looking like I was trying to get a good glance and I could not fucking see who it was. And I was like, hey, hey. And I swear to God, the head looked misshapen. It looked like a potato, almost, sort of. Sally fucking knows. Sally knows. Dogs see ghosts and she

sees it. Sally's freaking out. She's nervous. Are you okay? Yeah. So, so I go out there. Oh, shit. Stop, motherfucker. Stop it. So I go out there and I talk and it's a woman but she has... Oh my gosh.

She is freaking me out. I wasn't scared because it was a woman. I walked up to the car. I knew I had the upper hand. Scary story over. It was a scary story. Hey. Mr. Potato Head, he's no thing.

He's traveling with a woman. Hey, I got this. I fucking got this. Terrence literally turned around shot us the one bigger thumbs up all right like fist pump he barked a little oh okay cool Okay, cool. And Tom and I went in baby nuggets. Are you coming back later for this? Okay, all right, all right, all right.

So anyway. So it was a woman, and she had the most amazing mullet I've ever seen. It was incredible. Which is a curveball. Did she have baby bangs? She didn't even have bangs. Her hair was only like an inch long. It was like a buzz and do a mullet. It was like salt and pepper colored.

Salt and pepper colored. Well, that's what I imagined even before you said that. Yeah, the whole thing was like salt and pepper color. And yeah, she had buzzed, I mean, not buzzed the top, but it was short enough to be spiked. You know what I'm saying? It was spiked up with gel. And then free flowing in the back all the way down to like right here like a little rat tape like it could have been like braided into a rat tail sure yeah she could have

done that if she wanted to she didn't want to today so um are you okay so she uh so she she said something to me she said uh what'd she said, well, she said she repeated herself three or four times because I could not understand what she was saying. She goes, I hate the racism. I hate sexism. I hate racism. Yeah, she. It was Nanette. It was Nanette.

It was Nanette. It was Nanette. Fucking goddamn. So, she said, I'm looking for pie. That's Harold. And I was like, I'm not sure who that is. And she goes, I'm lost. She said, I'm lost. And I said lost and i said well i mean i think you who

you're looking for is up the road is that yeah is his name pie i don't know she said pie i don't know what she said it sounded like she said that i don't know if that's what she said or not but she said pie and uh well like i, that's what I think she said. And she, but she kept saying, I'm lost. I'm lost. And I was like, well, I work with Gary. And she goes, oh. She goes, she was like, so, but I just keep going up the road here.

And I was like, yeah. And she kept just, just kind of kept going in circles. Like she kept repeating herself because I had a really hard time understanding. And then that was it. She just got out of her card. What were the plates? I didn't pay attention. Let me tell you. Let me tell you. Are they from hell?

It just says it. Hell 666. That's the number on it. It's just the most obvious. And you're just like, oh god. When I look back into my photographic memory, it was an unidentified state. 666. So, yeah, like I said, that is your quintessential early on in the movie.

Some weird cookie shit kind of happens to throw you off a little bit. Or nerve you just a little bit. Oh, yeah. And the lighting of the evening was. Yeah. i went out there it was very orange it was literally the sky was it was like literally a like it was like i cannot say this more to like like the first day of fall like it was 85 degrees yesterday today it was like fucking it was 65 the first day of fall like the leaves have been crispy but and now like it was there was like 65. You're right. The first day of fall. The leaves have been crispy but there was like a

twilight all evening or something like that. Yeah. And then just a couple things had unsettled us earlier. Right. Just like dumbasses with a wild ass dog like out of a sitcom or something. And they just like

made us feel like stupid fuck yes our confidence was knocked back low our confidence was low our confidence had been knocked back it was low because of the day got me today yes and i was looking i was i like felt like did you feel like your day was a little like i was waiting for the evening to come so it could just finally be the weekend and then i didn't think that until i ran into you i was gonna go home and just probably come up here watch a movie by myself get really stoned but now here we are and i ruined it drug use another thing gets you killed in a scary movie we're about you're right so uh intoxicated so fuck it let's try to summon a spirit. Why not? Right?

Okay. Alright, let's open up the portal to hell. Who's jumping first? Walk on through. Have y'all heard about the bar in northern Kentucky that's supposed to be the portal to hell? Uh-uh. I think I've heard about it.

Yeah, the bottom looks like a whale. Come here, devil dog. What the fuck is wrong with you, Sam? Okay, does anybody know how to do this? Do what? Summon a spirit? Yeah. All right, we've got to have some of those things.

We've got to have some of the things you brought. Okay. All right, let's take a pause. I'm going to pause. Let's pause and go get them. Or wait, maybe Alex can go get them. You guys keep going. All right, let's take a pause. I'm going to pause. Let's pause and go get them. Or wait, maybe Alex can go. You guys keep going. We'll, we'll, we'll,

every, every spooky Halloween episode we've done has been very laid back. It's been, it kind of just goes at its own pace. You know what I'm saying, Tom? Uh, yeah. I know exactly

what you're saying, Taryn. What do you got in your bag of amulets there, witchy woman? Okay. We actually have

some kind of funky stuff from Alex's Hungarian grandmother. We are trying to summon, summon, I'm sorry,

summon, we're trying to summon... Summon. I'm sorry. Summon. We're trying to summon a very specific person. We're trying to summon a specific ghost. Chick. We are. Who lived in the attic here until he died. Yes. Lived in the attic here until he died.

Do you guys want to wear this? The snake skeleton? Oh, fuck. Give it to me. For sure. Give me the snake skeleton Hell yeah I'm gonna be honest with you Sally's attitude has sucked since we got in the house

Sally, why's your attitude been so bad? Where'd you get this snake skin? Snake farm Well, woman, I love his name Ramona. Play it. She kind of looks like Tempest Storm. She can dance like Little Legion. I didn't know how scary you guys were going to get,

so I have a rosary for all of us. Damn. This one looks in the dark. I'm not Catholic. I'll pass. All right. Damn. I'm not Catholic. I'll pass. Look at your boy. Okay, yeah.

Give me one. Give me one. I feel left out. I've got snake skin. I've got rosary, baby. Look at this shit. Oh, that is player-like. That glows in the dark, too, baby. Look at this shit. Oh, that is player-like. That glows in the dark, too, man.

Look at this shit. Is this from the original? Was this found in a cave in the Holy Land? Okay, there's some juniper. There's some cedar. There's some sage. I think most of the time these are good things. Look. Look.

Look at it. Here's a little... Christ has literally fallen off mine. I want one with Christ on it. I want one with Christ on it. There. He's in my heart anyway. Let me see what's going on there, Terry.

I was taking an Instagram video of this. What is this? This is pretty badass. Is this metal? Yeah, that's what that came in. That rosary came in that case. Oh my god. Alright, so we are trying to Oh, hell yeah.

A devil angel. So we're trying to summon a very specific spirit. We need every light off. We need every light off to do it? Even the laptop? Yeah, well, not that one. Okay.

Turn off that light in there. I just felt this was a little, you know. We're going to do something that's never been done before. A little. That's not entirely true. What is that? We're going to do something that's never been done before. That's not entirely true. What is that? We're going to do something that's never been done. Never been done.

Well, actually, probably it never has been done. But it's been attempted plenty. I have a cross around my neck, so I'm fucking unprotected, no matter what happens. That is glow-in-the-dark. Fuck yeah. This is what you call a demon condom. What, it protects you from... Provides about 78% effectiveness against demons. Oh my gosh.

Did you guys see that? Also, do you know why I'm feeling a little weird too? Like, this red wine really really tastes like the blood of Christ. Do you guys want some? The blood of Christ? Do you think it might have gotten changed

since we've been here or something? Did you turn the wine into blood? Alright, look. This is what we've got. This is what we're working with. We're working with a skull with a bunch of ash in it. What the fuck is that supposed to be? And then when you put the cap back on,

the smoke flows through the... Okay. And we've got what appears to be a tequila bottle. No, not problematics. Hey, maybe Chick liked to take a drink once in a while. Chick was from Cincinnati.

But they met on the Pancho Villa. Yeah, the story was Chick and our friend's grandfather met trying to hunt down Pancho Villa. Hunt down Pancho Villa, right. And

Well. Well. So the deal was that our friend's grandfather moved back here to Virginia after the Pancho Villa expedition was up. But he didn't come back alone. He came back with a buddy named Chick, who was from Cincinnati. Right.

What was his full name, real name? Do you think of his like... Don't know. Anyway, what we do know is that Chick died in this house because he lived here until he died. Right. And then they sent his body

back to Cincinnati. He never went home. Never went home once. Interestingly enough... Are you positive he never went home once? Listen, interestingly enough... That's what we heard.

Our friend says that when they were cleaning out the attic where Chick lived in the attic of this house until he died. He did. It's a fact. And when they cleaned it out, they found scientific manuals about the science of homosexuality.

Yeah, the Terrence Kinsey studies. And... Terrence... And... And... Did you guys know? It's all... the themes are. And an old. We're going to die here tonight. And an old antique Ouija board they then sold on eBay for 500 bucks.

Yeah. If we could only find that fucking Ouija board. Did they know that this Ouija board. It's sold on eBay for 500 bucks. Did they like research it and were like, oh, we have something here. 500. Or like. It wasn't like a 500 bucks. Did they like research it and were like, oh, we have something here. 500. It wasn't like a bullshit cardboard. It was like.

That's what somebody paid for it on eBay. They bidded it up to that. Someone wanted to communicate specifically with Chick. Why else would he leave the fucking Ouija board? Can you imagine an original Ouija board? Like someone makes a Ouija board out of like. That's crazy. That's crazy shit.

So let's try to summon something, right? Okay, let's out. Fuck it, mask off. Oh God, Sally, you cannot do that. Please don't. Terrence, just, Sally, come here. Sally, come. Sally, come here.

Is she on something? There you go. No, I'm just afraid she's going to pull. Sally, come here. She's going to Is she on something? There you go No I'm just afraid She's gonna pull Sally come here She's gonna unplug it From the wall Sally come

Oh she's got a Go on you spooky bat She's got a maze of like Precious things To go through Before she gets here I hate this She's like

This is like a long tail cat In a room full of rock and shit We have like set up Just a tragic situation here It's in a room full of rock and shit. We haven't set up a tragic situation here. It's like a bull in a china shop. We were like, here, this is a good idea. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alright. I wish I had some spooky music to play or something like that. I gotcha. Give me an ethereal, atmospheric sound. Okay. Let's see. We could turn this down, actually. Okay, nice.

Look at the temperature. What is it? Nice. This is the... The temperature is actually 69 for real. We're flying blind, folks. The lights are off. The, um... This is the... The temperature is actually 69 for real. We're flying blind, folks. The lights are off.

We don't light that candle. Do you guys want it? Can there be like smoky herbs? There has to be one because that's how we communicate with it. We're supposed to be like, if you're here, blow on the candle. If you're here, blow me. He is a gay ghost. He is a gay ghost. He's a gay ghost. I'm getting my dicks up.

I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. Oh, you know what, Alex? I probably left it outside. Damn, son. You're a fucking idiot. All right.

The lights are all out. The lights are all out. We are 53 minutes into our broadcast. That's... What is that? Sorry. Tom's distracted too easily. Tom's watching porn. Damn.

Suspiria is a little too much. We need something a little... Okay, all right. Really good at spooky music. All right. It is, like, listenable. So, um... I've stayed in this house a lot by myself.

Um, I've never encountered a ghost or a spirit of any kind. However, I have always felt this feeling while I'm alone in this house that something just isn't right you know what I'm saying sometimes you just

have a feeling oh yeah I felt like something was wrong all evening and yet here we are with everyone lot in the house i've had we're playing into their traps so well like oh yeah i had a really bad edible experience here one time you did yeah you did go on well um which i don't know like i'll tell you this i do think it's a little bizarre of a decision to be like hmm i'm at this house pretty far out all alone like it is like i feel like the setting could easily turn creepy to be like i don't know just to be that alone with your thoughts on drugs yeah like i feel like i feel like it could not go right yeah i agree with you

um well the um you know last time i i really tried to like communicate with the geese really trying to like get on their same page on their same level and i just couldn't do it you did it this time but this this time I think I did. Did you see it, Tom? Yeah, I saw it. He really was. I was like, interesting. Terrence has bonded better with a goose

than I've ever seen. You're really coddling. He's not on with anything. I dialed in. He did. I dialed right in. That goose was like fucking on his shit. I was like, I didn't know goose,

I didn't know geese like people like that. I was like, damn. I've finally done it. It wasn't a very, yeah. So I guess what I'm saying is that pretty much every time I'm here, I have some sort of breakthrough like that. Whether it's, you know, sort of breakthrough like that. Whether it's you know, epiphany

like that or or it's you know, bad bad stuff. I would like to hear more about the connecting with the goose being an epiphany. Well,

when have you ever connected with a goose? You epiphany. Well. Epiphany. I mean, when have you ever connected with a goose? You know what I'm saying? I've only been bit by them. Exactly. Exactly. How many humans have done it, actually? He's special, everyone. Ladies, you hear that?

That's right. I'm the goose whisperer. What a catch. He's like the Robert Redford of... No, that was Scar? That's right. I'm the goose whisperer. What a catch. Love the goose whisperer, baby. He's like the Robert Redford of... No, that was Scarlett Johansson. He's this... Did you guys ever see that shit? Horse Whisperer?

That was a good movie. He's the... Terrence Starr. I hate more than anything. Everything gets quiet. And someone looks in a different direction for a little too long. Well, the thing is, I saw the reflection of the candle in the window and I thought holy shit is that somebody

out there. And you thought we've did it. We've communed with Princess Diana. Yes. Alright. So let's get it underway. I've got my rosary on.

I've got my... Should I light my own sage? I think sage is afterward, right? Oh, sage is afterward. Sage is pretty nice and like cleansing. Okay, alright. At least I'm told. Whatever that is to the right of the sage.

This? This is sage as well, right? I think it's juniper. Where's the match? That's good, Tom. What are you playing in the background? Just some ambient music. Tom, what are you playing?

Ambient music. Right here? You better hurry cause that's gonna that's gonna go out fuck God damn it. Fuck. You can put that in that skull. Sit it in the tray. The top of the skull. Oh yeah, it smells good.

Okay. If I were a ghost, I'd definitely walk to this smell. Have you ever had a ghostly experience? Oh, hell yes. Go on. You definitely have, Tom. You, uh, yeah. I've never had a ghostly experience.

I've had, like, some weird, very explainable experiences, though. But, like, what do you, I guess, what do you mean ghostly? Like, you're in the presence of a ghost or something like that? Yeah. Or, like, had some... I'm trying to light this motherfucker.

Do you want me to go get the lighter? Isn't there another lighter in there? No, it's good. It's outside. It's going. Yeah, yeah. You like a ghostly experience. I just dropped the

motherfucking... Terrence is burning the house down. JK, JK. I hope I'm not, but you're probably right. I can't get this shit to light. Yeah, I think I left the lighter outside.

Look at that mess. What is this, Alex? Did you say demon angel? Yeah. That's good, Tom. Turn them shits up. Turn them shits up. First, I'm going to take pictures.

See anything crazy. You're listening to the Trailbillies Halloween special. You gotta throw some shit in there. You gotta throw some like shit in there like that. Damn son. Damn son. You're listening to the Trailbillies Halloween special 2018

motherfucker. That's right. Your favorite podcast. Wait dude let's make let's get all corporate sounding like that. You're listening to the motherfucking Trillbillies. The Trillbilly Workers Party. A 2018, bitch. Turn that spooky ethereal shit back on.

Okay, let's do something here. Thank you, Alex. I'm so congested, it's incredible. What was that? Did anyone hear that? Yeah, I did. Sally. The dog Sally sounds like a cow most of the time man dog noises are so funny it's like

almost every time i hear her make some weird noise i like think like that is so cartoonish like it's so weird that it is a real noise right sometimes i'd look in her eye and it is very devil-like. Do you ever, have you ever caught her eye in a certain light? It's an evil eye, remember? Yeah. Damn, betrayed by your own beast. No, I think she's my devil dog.

What's that? Oh, that looks right. That's pretty badass. That's got a bullseye of ash with a perfectly perfectly like roasty red outer parts.

Alright. Alright, how am I in your... It does smell like that. I kind of feel bad. What the fuck did y'all do in here? Well, see, we summoned a ghost and Terrence had sex with it. On your couch.

It was pretty weird for us to watch, actually. Oh, my gosh. There's definitely a movie that that happens. What movie is it? It's not Ghost of Girlfriends Past. It's the movie with Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze. Where a ghost has, like, there's like a ghost that... Ghost of Girlfriends Past.

I love that movie. That's where I got one of my favorite catchphrases from. Oh my god. Keep it light, Dutch. In old Matthew, before Matthew McConaughey became a good actor. Right. Pass that around, man. You want some?

No? You pass on Jennifer I'm setting an atmosphere here I've seen how they do this on TV Are you ready? I'm ready Alright Are there any spirits in this room with us this evening? I'm ready. Alright. Are there any spirits in this room with us this evening? If so... Move the candle flame.

That's too easy. Do whatever you gotta do. Oh, it just moved. That was a little questionable. Sally bumped it, but... But I think something but it still worked it still happened I think that counts

something made the events happen just like that exactly okay if if you're with us right now if without hurting yourself put out the juniper in my hand

this is the thing though it might hurt hurt him so he doesn't want to do it i understand let's put it out don't worry about it he didn't but okay i did that you know that i saw you do that made me feel a little bit better about everything because i most of the time feel like you do shit to that do that shit to me but like don't ever cop to it and so now i feel so much better like there is not a ghost chasing me it's you so okay well uh well then what what should i do tom what would be easy i don't want to like put him on the spot chick are you with us right now let's just kill the music put that ethereal creepy shit on we had a minute ago

what would be an easy chick we're your friends we don't know what you did to Pancho Villa it's in the past we're looking to move forward we're looking to move forward it's alright if it was bad if it was atrocities

if that's why you were never able to go home again that's why you lived in an attic for 30 40 50 years cause you did some fucked up shit on the Pancho Villa campaign

we are here hey was Pancho Villa a comrade or no Pancho Villa might have been a comrade um Pancho Villa is like been a comrade. Um, Pancho Villa

is like, isn't that From Argentina? Pancho Villa. Isn't that not who everyone is like looking up to? Bitty man. Emiliano Zapata's kind of the

dude, but I always get Pancho Villa and Santa Anna mixed up. Right. Zapata was better to die on your feet than live on your knees. Right. What was Pancho Villa

and Santa Anna about? Santa Anna I think wanted to annex Texas. I think he wanted to annex Texas, right? I think he wanted to take Texas back because it had seceded. And that's... Santa Ana fought the Battle of the Alamo, I thought. So was that comradely?

Yeah, it's... I don't know. I don't think so. I don't think the Spanish Empire was that... Oh, I thought Santa Ana was Mexican. Well, I don't know if at that time it was Mexican yet or not. That's a conscious appearance. So what's an easy thing to ask?

We're sitting here having a seance and we're bickering. Was Santa Ana good or not? Okay, so what's a good thing? What's an easy way to summon Chick? Chick. Chick or Check? Chick. Chick. Chick, if you're

here, if you're still in this house that you shared with your lover for many years, let us know that you're here somehow. Chick, if you're here, make something

move. Chick Chick If you're here Let us know that you're here somehow. If anybody's here, not just Chick, but preferably chick. Blow this candle out. Now. Okay. Well, maybe chick's got asthma okay sorry chick i was ableist of me

did you say asthma yeah asthma what did you call it that's what i said i said asthma I think Damn Well Jake My bad dog We're sorry About the About the jokes If you'd rather leave it in the past Man I get it

God damn Well you know what It's early in the evening right What time is it It is 9.50. Oh, you can't conjure at 9.50, even if it is dark outside. All right. Let's, uh...

Let's hit the mood a little bit more, then. Let's go back to reading spooky weird stuff ok ok you'll can't take a break down the same way to the old granite is it been for him recording entire time recording that entire time? I'll flash my app a little quick so I'm not crushing anybody there. Oh, good point. Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Sveta, Thank you. The trip, Billy's learned that night that you should never discuss two things with a ghost.

Politics and sex. Chick may not have revealed himself to the trio billies in the way we mortals expect, but the audio file suggests that there was indeed another person in the room with him that evening. Tune in next week to hear the second half of the found footage from the Blair Branch Witch Project. Thank you.