TrueLife - Anastazja Gajkowska - Broken Mirrors: Love’s Narcissistic Reflection

Episode Date: August 8, 2024

One on One Video Call W/George https://tidycal.com/georgepmonty/60-minute-meetingSupport the show:https://www.paypal.me/Truelifepodcast?locale.x=en_US🚨🚨Curious about the future of psychedelics? Imagine if Alan Watts started a secret society with Ram Dass and Hunter S. Thompson… now open the door. Use Promocode TRUELIFE for Get 25% off monthly or 30% off the annual plan For the first yearhttps://www.district216.com/🎙️🎙️🎙️Today, we have the honor of welcoming the multifaceted Anastazja Gajkowska to our channel. Anastazja is the CEO of Expose Network, a psychologist, filmmaker, bestselling author, and actress, based in Los Angeles, California. Her extensive background and diverse talents have made her a powerful advocate for individuals seeking to break free from the chains of toxic relationships.At Expose Network, Anastazja is dedicated to creating a community of support and empowerment for those who have suffered the trauma of unhealthy relationships. Her mission is to guide individuals towards a life filled with happiness, fulfillment, and good health. With a profound understanding of the emotional, physical, and mental harm caused by toxic relationships, she offers invaluable insights on how to recognize harmful patterns, set essential boundaries, and ultimately move forward to a healthier future.Join us as we delve into Anastazja’s expertise and learn how her work is making a significant impact in helping individuals thrive beyond the confines of toxic relationships. Welcome, Anastazja Gajkowska!http://linkedin.com/in/anastazja-gajkowska-00a25a120 One on One Video call W/George https://tidycal.com/georgepmonty/60-minute-meetingSupport the show:https://www.paypal.me/Truelifepodcast?locale.x=en_USCheck out our YouTube:https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPzfOaFtA1hF8UhnuvOQnTgKcIYPI9Ni9&si=Jgg9ATGwzhzdmjkg

Darkness struck, a gut-punched theft, Sun ripped away, her health bereft. I roar at the void. This ain't just fate, a cosmic scam I spit my hate. The games rigged tight, shadows deal, blood on their hands, I'll never kneel. Yet in the rage, a crack ignites, occulted sparks cut through the nights. The scars my key, hermetic and stark. To see, to rise, I hunt in the dark, fumbling, fear. Heiress through ruins maze, lights my war cry, born from the blaze.

The poem is Angels with Rifles. The track, I Am Sorrow, I Am Lust by Codex Serafini. Check out the entire song at the end of the cast. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another edition of the True Life podcast. I hope everybody's having a beautiful day. I hope everybody is living the dream and got to wake up next to the person you love the most. And if not, I hope that you realize there's a little bit of a miracle waiting for you. I have an incredible guest today for you.

The one and only Anastasia Gajkowska. And she's a multifaceted, talented individual whose work spans psychology, filmmaking, authorship, and acting as the CEO of Exposed Network, Expoise Network, Anastasia, is dedicated to creating a supportive community for individuals who have endured the trauma of toxic relationships. Her mission focuses on offering valuable insights into recognizing toxic patterns, setting healthy boundaries, and moving forward from unhealthy dynamics. Based in Los Angeles, California. She's also affiliated with Exposé productions and the Universitat Oberta de Catalonia. I'd probably butcher that. I'm sorry.

Anastasia is committed to empowering others. her very roles underscores her impact as a psychologist, a storyteller, and a documentary filmmaker. She's done a lot of cool stuff. She's got books, documentaries. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Anastasia. Thank you for being here, Anastasia. How are you? I am amazed of your Spaniard skills. That was awesome. Universidad de Catalonia. He'd done it great. Wow. I'm like, you did a great job.

Thank you for that. Well, thank you. Yeah, I appreciate it. And I think that you have equally done a good job in helping people begin to understand the nature of some toxic relationships. And, you know, I didn't give you a whole lot of a background. I wanted to save some space for you to give an introduction into, you know, what your documentary is about, what your book's about. and how do you want to introduce this idea of relationships, this narcissism and these relationships that's going on?

You know, it's very simple, I think. We make it complicated, but it's all about love. And loving means being good to yourself. And the movement is, hey, if you had a story, like there was a chapter in your life, somebody you allow somebody to hurt you in any way

emotionally sexually physically financially then you have a story and your story is a message and the universe waits to hear that message so it's really simple

if you are sound simple but it's a lot of work that's why I provide the community who have Facebook group and you are invited to join so you don't have to do it alone what I found really helped me my healing journey was being around another woman who experienced what I experienced and that's the only woman like Crystal Beja she's amazing you have to you have to woman like Marisa Rico that's another author and many

other women women of the pivot who made it easier for all of us. And easier doesn't mean that you still have to do the work, which means all those, you know, I'm here on the show, but I have my ups and downs and I work a lot through my shadows from feeling inferior and not good enough. And it's just kind of playing with that. a little bit and celebrating it when it comes.

And that's why I feel like having the tribe and the group and the movement, like you can see those faces. Those are the people who actually did share their stories, 88 people from six continents. And I asked them five questions. And I need to get a sip of water. Yeah, handle it. It's getting hot here.

Yeah. And as well, experts, that's what I wanted to say. We have Lisa Romano. She is a worldwide expert in narcissistic relationships and healing, codependency. And Alexis Ney, she's a relationship coach. And Flora Ong, she's a day. a dating coach and many others names

experts who are talking about the healing of your body the healing of your psyche the energetics as well in it and the healing of your sexuality and then thriving thriving that's my favorite word

which what it really is It's, you know, it's what you make it. It can mean many things, but for me, in my perspective, it really truly means being able to share your story and release that shame within it. And allow yourself to receive the love you craved when you were, you know, back 10, 20 years in that situation, when nobody came when nobody cared when nobody was there for you when you were so much disconnected who you were that um you are able to almost go back to that moment embrace that part of yourself who was there left alone and connect with her of him and you can experience

you know, another layer of the healing. Yeah, you know, you bring up so many incredible themes. In the documentary, I've seen some shorts on your YouTube channel, which will be linked down below. It really dives into the depths of different perspectives and understandings. And I love that you have weaved your own sort of experience in there because I think there's some real truth that comes from the person who has the lived experience of it. And in a previous conversation, you had mentioned that on some level, you think

that there's there is an attractiveness on some level the person who feels they're not enough attracts the narcissist into their life i was wondering if you can maybe explain that to people yes um thank you for this question uh so i had to learn this as well and first when i heard it i felt like a lot of resistance and i like um i i want what i want to say say is that pay attention when you feel resistance to like what makes you like no because that many times it's something what um you might want to really pay attention more toward so when I was doing the documentary series someone mentioned to me hey um being in narcissistic relationship, it awakes you.

It is like the calling of the universe to be the best version of yourself. And part of me was like, hmm, interesting. Because if you take, and here I'm getting thirsty again, if you get if you take all that attention on what they did to me how did they hurt me what did they do did to my child which is all valid I don't question that I don't question that I don't but if you take that attention for a minute just to play on yourself not to blame yourself opposite to kind of own it. Like how much did I allow them to, you know, to take over my body?

How much did I allow them to take over my feelings, my emotions that actually I allow them? So you have that power. You had that power back then and you are owning it as you are, you know, looking back. And, you know, that's a question for the audience. Did she or he had some peace in her or him, which you deeply dream to have, like, embody it? Maybe that charm, maybe that charisma, maybe that confidence,

maybe some part of them, which you felt so drawn at the very beginning, which you long so much to be more of. Yeah, it speaks to seeing what you want in yourself and someone else. I'm like that is so, like that's probably the foundation of attraction is seeing something in someone else, whether it's a dream of what you want to be or a dream of what you want your child to be or a dream of a life you want to live. And I think it speaks volumes of, of who we are by what we see in other people.

And it's a difficult situation, though, because as you, the relationship, you have talked about in your documentary and the people you interview, like you get a lot of different perspectives on the narcissistic relationship. Was there, what was one of the things that you learned by talking to other people,

whether it was the dating coach or whether it was a guy in a narcissist relationship? What are some things that you learned talking to people, making this documentary, that maybe you didn't know of before. Hmm, you're such a great in making questions. What's the one thing? Which I learned?

Yeah, or probably many, yeah. That we are all the same. I think that's what I learned. We have so much in common. When I say the same, it's, you know, outside we can have a longer hair or, you know, or, you know, bigger boobs, smaller boobs, whatever it's you want. But on the inside, we have so many similarities.

We want to be loved and we want to give love. And it's, you know, as I really had this reflection today. And it's kind of miracle I can talk today because yesterday I had eye infection and today my eye is perfect. But I had this reflection this morning that, you know, I would like to actually invite you to go back to the moment when you were a child to close your eyes, if you can for a minute, take a deep inhale and long exhale. If you want, you can keep your eyes open or you can keep them close. I want to invite you back to the moment when you were. two or three years old, if you can go back there or the earliest memory you had and see that

child and could it be that part of you, all what it wanted was love, to be loved? And something through the years of being on this earth disconnected you from that, that conditional loved and somewhere we thought maybe it's stupid maybe love doesn't exist so I get to take some drugs take alcohol have sex do something to fill up that need but what if that need is to be connected and that's where I would like to invite you to see your part as yourself as the part of the earth. And that's the love, the earth. And when we are deeply connected with the earth,

which was before we were born and will be after we die, that's when we see ourselves as everyone around us, different parts of us in them. It's beautiful. It takes me back to a time when I was a kid And it definitely makes me think that we're all part of the whole. And when you realize that you're part of the whole, you're able to, on some level, get out of the narrow view that you matter so much.

And maybe that's what narcissism is, is a desperate need to want to be loved on some level. And that's why you only love yourself is because you've never been loved before. Is that too far of a bridge, you think? Say that again, that you only love. Yeah, like how do you define narcissism? Like, is, and on some level that makes me think someone that has been without love for so long, they can only love themselves. Do they really love themselves? Maybe they don't know how.

What do you think? I think it's a question, good question to ask somebody who, in some way identified themselves with that. But I'm not really like expert on this topic.

So I don't want to say something what others can perceive like this is the truth and this has to be like this. But you know, I can say that any personality disorders has been created because of some trauma, some disconnection. And as a result of that, we have the what you call, you know, histronic or bipolar personality disorder, or schizophrenic, or schizophrenic, or you mentioned narcissistic.

and the research shows that many of those adults, they had really tough childhood when there was a lot of expectations and they couldn't meet those expectations or the opposite. There was a lot of praise. But there wasn't really unconditional love, which is like no matter what you do, I'm going to be with you. that factor wasn't there. So they created the yourself worth based on either earning it

or finding it as the extension in somebody else, just like their parents somewhere. Yeah. So you have this kind of persona. You know, this kind of persona. this kind of persona who we see on the outside as of course they love themselves they look like. But you know, that's the human brain and how we create biases, you know, based on there's this phenomenon called first impression, right? based on we meet somebody and we create right away the feeling

if we like them or we don't. And then there's something called cognitive dissonance, which basically two beliefs cannot exist together. So if I see somebody as great charming, then if they show me a little different side, then I will be more into, Oh, maybe he had a bad day. Or she had a bad day.

So your question, if somebody who's struggle with maybe being a little more on their narcissistic side, if they love themselves, it's questionable because we can ask them, but also in my perspective, they never experienced. unconditional love as a children. Yeah, on some level, like it brings up the idea. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, there is this, I know this picture when people talk about narcissism, like the flower, right? Like they look at their mirror and they like are so much in that love. And it looks like it's love.

But that's another question, you know, the conditioning. All that glamour, all that facade, which social media and, you know, Disney and all those things, they really brain wash us. And our brain thinks, this is love. So what's love for you? What does it mean to love yourself? Maybe I ask you that. That's a great question. On some level, I feel like the words we've been using for the last.

few millennium, not millennium, but the last few generations are evolving. Our ideas are evolving. And, you know, we use the word love, but it might as well just be called magic because we don't really know what it means. For me, love is the willingness to sacrifice yourself for the well-being of someone else in times of tribulation, in times of stress, and willing to do things for them in hopes that it will be reciprocated. And you can't always know. Like maybe a lot of marriages failed, a lot of relationships failed for a lot of different reasons.

And sometimes people talk about falling out of love or falling in love. But for me, it's it's almost a feeling that you get when someone sacrifices for you as much as when you sacrifice for someone else. And it's being part of something bigger than you. But, you know, that's not even a, that's still kind of a messy definition, you know, I just, I don't think that there's the accurate linguistic pathways to describe what it is. And so we fall into these traps where maybe we love someone the way our family taught us to, but they don't reciprocate it because they were never taught that way.

Relationships are messy and they're hard. So a lot of relationships fail. You know, I'm, I'm, and I've lived in the United States. my whole life, I've toured to different countries a little bit, but I haven't lived in other countries for more than a year. What do you think? Do our relationships different in different countries? You've lived all over the world and you speak multiple languages.

And have you encountered different cultural ideas of love and different parts of where you've lived? No. No. The answer is no. Next question. We've interviewed lots of people from different walks of life, right? And what are some, I know that you've spoken a little bit about grooming, and I've seen some of the shorts that you've been putting out on your YouTube channel, which I think are phenomenal.

Not only is the style in which you're dropping the documentary phenomenal, but the actual sort of information in that documentary is, And I like listening to the individuals talk about what's happening to them. And part of, I don't want to give away too much of the secret sauce, but they talk about grooming. And there seems to be something similar in everyone's story about the beginning of a relationship that kind of grooms them to be in this dysfunctional relationship. Maybe you could speak to that a little bit. Yeah, I just wanted to attach some answer to your previous question. Yeah, of course.

You know, of course there are some cultural differences, but just as the core, as I live in different places, it's just the same need of love, just very simple of giving love and we all have that need. Regardless, what I thought is about changing the environment, so that's why, you know, I went to Spain when I was 19 because I felt like, I think it was just fight and fight mode, me trying to survive. And there's this fake belief we might have that the different culture might bring something up.

Oh, hello, we have with us, Krista and yes. Crystal Alani, thank you for chiming in. We love you ladies. Thank you for doing all this. you two do. Yeah, cheers for you both ladies. Because of you, I can be here. Both of them actually connected me with you. So, cheers. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. If that answered that question, that, you know, I had this fake idea that I might, you know, go to Spain or live in Denmark.

I was living there for a while trying to get my design degree. I thought I would be a designer. So it all was just kind of desperately, me, myself, trying to find meaningful life, you know. And it's nothing wrong with traveling and having those experiences, but as I moved to States five years ago, and I had still the needs, okay, now what the next? Maybe I should move to Australia,

maybe I should go to New Zealand. And it was almost this like four years and that's it. I need to shift to different place. Like I couldn't put my roots. There was something there around that, you know, searching like Victor Frank talks about, I'm searching for some meaning outside of me when, you know, truly all of those experiences opened my eyes in many ways because I came from a little village, you know, less than

thousand people in Poland. So I grew up around animals and pets and I had no fun until I was, I think, 14 or 15, which I think is a blessing for me. So it really opened my eyes on how life can be and who I am and who we are. But under all of that cultural things, religion, how people express love differently, it's a really simple need of being loved and giving love. and about the grooming you asked me about the grooming so yes we have 15 episodes and each of those episodes focuses on different topic the first one is around grooming and um where i me and those 88

individuals from six continents are some of them had experienced what we call grooming Crystal says you are, I always get distracted. I have ADHD. You are my amazing, you are my amazing beautiful soul sister who is changing the word. Oh, Crystal, thank you. Well, I am, I am you, you are me. So I'm taking you through those five stages of grooming in that first episode, which the first one is targeting.

The second one is creating, creating, gaining trust and control. The third one is filling up a need, which is like you might need some validation or you might need friends. If you are in a new country, I was, I just needed a friend. Or you might be out of some really bad divorce or some breakup and you might just need a soulmate, what they call soulmate.

So whatever you crave and you are in this mode of like desperation, that's when the groomer comes and like, um, that's the stage number four, which abuse starts. I'm trying to make it more playful because it really is horrifying when you are inside of it. And I do remember talking, you know, just shortly when I was in the therapy. My therapies made me to see those five stages like how. Actually, Groomer targets targeted me from the very beginning and I was just one of many. And that really changed my perspective later on on trust. But that's, you know, the idea of creating 15 episodes was to really take you through

what does it take to heal those different parts? If you live the abusive relationship, there's a part of you who doesn't trust people. So in the episode number six, we are talking about healing those beliefs and you know,

scarves from what happened to your mind. And then episode seven talks about the healing of your body, how the body keeps the score. Yeah, yeah. And this is just the first, this is, those 15 episodes are just for you to try and taste it and see if it works for you.

So I'm not the guru here. I'm just trying to provide some resources, which I wish when I was 19 lost on those Barcelona streets, trying to just be nice and good. I wish I saw this documentary series back then somewhere and to be exposed to it. That's why the title is Exposé. And it's just, you know, you cannot really unseen what you saw.

It becomes some part of your... some part of you knows this has a name. This is not me being crazy. This is a gaslighting. So it really, that's my purpose with the documentary series to educate. And because of people like you and Crystal and so many beautiful women and men. And as well, the Barbara Leaf, I actually opened. me and another person, David English, who is not today with me, we open a non-profit behind it,

which the purpose is to support survivors of domestic violence with a therapy and educational videos. So how does it lands? I think it lands beautiful. I think that there's something to be said not only for someone who lives through the experience, but finds a way to tell the story. And I think you're an excellent storyteller. When I watch the documentary, when I watch the shorts,

not only does your message of overcoming the situation come through, but you talking to other people, like I can see both of you learning at the same time. And I would point that out, for anybody who goes and watches the shorts or the documentary, you can see in real time both yourself and the individual with whom you're speaking, reliving some situations and learning. Like, I think that it sort of transcends watching something.

Like, I feel when I'm watching it, like I'm part of it. Like, I really get to feel both of your stories. And I think it's therapeutic in some ways. And maybe that should be part of the nonprofit. Maybe someone that comes to the nonprofit, or maybe part of therapy for people that have been a tough situation is making a film about it or reliving it in a third person point of view because now you're giving a new awareness to the situation, one that you can see without shame. And one someone can experience without shame. It's almost like a whole new form of communication.

And it's very unique to what you're doing. And from the way you've dropped out each series in shorts to the meaningful communications you have behind it, like I think you're a phenomenal. And I hope that more people will go and watch it because I really think that more people can learn from it. So yeah, you totally answered the question. Do you think it's therapeutic? Have you found it therapeutic to go and make this documentary and has it changed the way you see relationships? Yes. And so many different levels.

Yes. You know, I didn't, I actually started this documentary for myself, a reason, on finding the truth, like how can I heal and be happy after heartbreak, after my heart was broken. Even if it was abusive, I was in love. I discover that doing it altogether, it just brings this, like, witnessing someone else and seeing going through what you went through similar stories and seeing yourself it almost in that story somewhere it almost allows you to create more space for the compassion and it's easier it is easier for many of us to have compassion for others than to ourselves when you have been through some neglect and

your take giver wasn't able to give you that compassion then then I say hello I was there too and I'm still some many times there so doing it in a community of another woman and men it's the exposure of that I feel like it's it can change everything for me it did I just I just it's okay I'm going to leave it and it's not not just me okay me listening to the stories there were moments of them crying and them sharing oh this is my first time ever I'm sharing my story so it was all raw and I had no idea how am I going really put it all together which at first I thought it would be one

episode but then it was you know it became something else out of it. But to answer your question, I feel like it's very therapeutic and we should do it more and more often and more often. And because it's like us doing that, it creates that space for another or someone else, for them to allow themselves to go to be vulnerable and to be row and to cry or to scream or, whatever it takes to get it out. And when you were a child, probably that anger wasn't allowed, or you couldn't get too excited, or you couldn't get too angry because there was some

punishment. So being able to do it all in a tribe with the, you know, I'm here, like connected. Yeah, that's the movement which I say it's not my movement, it's our movement, movement and that's the movement I invite all of you to join if you have experience if this message resonates with you and you have experienced some trauma and you would like to share it in a safe space and really being not just celebrate it. I'm looking for the right world,

but I think you have to experience it when you are really with your tribe. It changes in your brain something. I do think that there's probably some research behind that. Because trauma, what it is, it really, it happens when we are isolated.

So something happened and there was nobody around us to help us to release it in the moment. So when we are, I almost feel like I had this picture when we come to the tribe and we share our story, we kind of relieve, relieve that moment and now we get to release it because we have the tribe, we have the support. So I do feel that's therapeutic. Yeah, I think so too.

Lonnie's got some great points in here. For anybody who hasn't, yeah, for anybody who is not aware of Lonnie Ray, she's like a 25-time bestselling author. She's helped so many incredible people. And she is incredible when it comes to behavior. And she's helped so many people get their stories out. She says that it literally changes the brain, you know, whether you're making something, you're writing something, you're creating a document. you're reliving the experience. Was there, it seems to me one thing that happens when I was talking to some people who have

had this trauma or some people in the documentary that there's a level of shame. Like people don't want to tell their story because they're afraid maybe of how people are going to judge them or maybe they're afraid of how they feel or they feel shameful for letting it happen to them. How did you overcome that? Was there a period where you're like, I'm not going to tell anybody about this? And how did you go from that period to like, you know what? I'm going to tell everyone about this.

I just want to also celebrate Lonnie for being here. And yes, so good. You are with us and thank you for all what you have done. Yes. And all your. Actually, it was last week when the Rattle awake has been. Yeah. Yeah.

That's such an accomplishment. Incredible. So to answer, say again. the idea of abuse whether it's being in a bad relationship substance abuse or physical violence sometimes yeah yep so did i feel shame yes you know i haven't told my mother or my family what happened until one year or i don't know i haven't told my mother or my family what happened until one year or two years after my therapy because of the shame I actually shared my story to strangers because it was easier and you know shame Brenna Brown talks beautifully about shame and and

I think it's the they say it's the worst feeling ever to have but I feel like hmm maybe it's the best one maybe it's the one you get to play the most and expose it And it's not going to feel good when you do it in the wrong environment. So I remember sharing my story when I was actually in a court in Spain when I was, I took it to the court that case. And I was trying to make statements in Spanish to explain what happened. I do remember the lack of support, like them not really being emotionally or trauma informed or emotionally with me. And, you know, I didn't have it in translator.

So I was really left there with another type of trauma now because here I was explaining all what happened to me to even more traumatizing environment in front of the court. And that's, you know, a deep topic. But what we really, you know, I have an offer, what we can do with shame is, yeah, play. Like maybe if you don't want to share your story, write it and make a chapter for the next Rattle Awake. You know, you don't have to say it loud yet. Or I don't think, I don't know if that's,

you know, there are layers of where, how the shame gets to be transmuted. But if you are an artist, make a painting out of it. Or somewhere you want to transmute that energy of feeling like, what I lastly say, what you don't want is that shame becomes you. Like I'm bad because this and this, you don't want that. That's the ultimate no, no, no. And I have done it many times, and I still do that, you know. But later on, with a community and support, that's why, you know, you don't have to join Expoise.

You can create your own movement. I really want you to know that it has to happen in community and you need to have people who are there emotionally for you. So, and then you start to, you know, one day you start to have awareness. Like yesterday, I had this awareness. I was with my partner in the kitchen and I have sometimes this impulse to open some package like very like rapidly. So he found that package and he's like, oh my God, I can't believe it, you did that.

And I feel like, I feel so much shame now. And I start to play with it. I start to play with it. And we both love and like, oh, I love you anyway. Okay. So it was just, you know, the moments where I just allow that. And it really is, like us allowing ourselves to feel it and play a little with it. And it transmutes.

It goes. It's like a wave, kind of like every emotion comes and go. but I do understand that it can make us stuck. And that's why we need community and people around us to, we can open up and say like, hey, this and this happen. And sometimes, you know, it just opens some possibilities when we feel like trapped in that train. because I do know, you know, I understand why people don't talk about domestic violence because I was there too, but those are the steps, baby steps we take toward expressing.

You don't want to keep it. That's the idea. Express it, get it out. Go and dance, shake it. Use your body to get it out of that nervous system of like, feeling it like it's it's me like having nightmares and not being able to you know eat and sleep normally as we all should have um should have you know ecstasy feeling more of that instead of that you know holding that inside of us do you think it's a learned behavior

like when i look back at my childhood my parents got divorced at a pretty early age And I remember having some difficult situations where, like, I was molested as a kid. And I remember, like, my parents not doing anything about it. And, like, I had to carry that with me for a long time. And, like, to this day, sometimes it still bothers me. They didn't do anything? You know, do you think that when poor things like that happen to people, like, that is something that they now look for in a relationship on an unconditioned level?

Like, you've been conditioned to realize that there's no consequences for, for you when something bad happens to you? Do you think that that plays out in adult relationships? And that's why a lot of people maybe seek out relationships that are maybe not the most healthy? Well, first of all, I want to celebrate you for sharing it because you as a man, it's so hard for men to talk about sexual trauma because it's supposed to just man it up and don't talk about it

and just be cool and come on, you know. So there's even more, I feel like I'm happy I'm woman. It's kind of easier for us to talk about, you know, to be in that role of like, yeah. Yeah, it happens to everybody, I think, you know, and the more people that talk about, but here we are. So to answer your question as the ultimate and only one answer. in my perspective is that, you as a child, so, so something and experienced what should never happen,

and nobody reacting to that, that probably, that was horrifying. That was horrifying. And that might create this belief, I don't know the English word for it, but basically that this is, okay, this is okay for me to be disrespected, for my body to be disrespected and me telling someone who's supposed to be there and say, no, this has to stop, get the fuck out of my child. Right. And, you know, what do you need now?

How can I, you know, make you feel safe? I'm sorry. The lack of that, you know, as we grow up can actually, just like you mentioned, make us to be more attracted. Not attracted. I would say if someone tolerating in some way, because it feels familiar, it fucking feels familiar somewhere. I almost feel like it just goes back there, hey, I took it as a child. I can take it now as I'm adult.

It makes sense. It feels like home almost like you, you know, unconsciously. And it happens before we even know it. Yeah. I think that happens to a lot like, it doesn't have to be that form of extreme of abuse, but those things that happen to you with a child,

they build a familiar foundation for those cycles to repeat later in life. And unless you get to a point where you can talk about it, you're aware of it, you can confront it, then that cycle will repeat unconsciously. imperative. And I love what you said about paying attention to resistance because it's so true. Where you find resistance is where you need work. You know, the same way we use resistance to build our muscles, so too is the resistance we find in life trying to help us overcome situations.

But you have to be willing to confront it. You have to be willing to be like, okay, there's resistance here. What is the problem? Is it me? Is it the relationship? And you have to ask the difficult questions. And sometimes that difficult question can blow up a family problem. Sometimes that difficult question will force you to go back to being five and reliving difficult things. Or sometimes that question will force you to go back and revisit things. But that's where the growth is, right? Like that's where the growth is. Yeah.

And as you do that, you will experience, you know, people ask why, like, it almost makes you feel like, oh, my God, this is so much work this is so much work like oh my god this is so much work going to all those moments but maybe that's why we live so many years on this earth to really release that you know you leave

you are here you are here you get the chance to release that not just you know from the perspective it's for you it could be really selfish

It doesn't need to be for my children, the children, which of course is going to be. But for me, so I can have more ecstasy and more joy and more, you know, all that what's behind the shame, what's under the anger, what's under the rage, what's under the hate. It's all welcome and it's all, you know, it will come up like a storm. and now you are adult, you have the tools. Or if you don't have the tools, you can learn them. And even if you fail, like fail, oh my God, I just got triggered and I didn't realize all the years of therapy for nothing. It's still, you know, you just, you take it all.

you just take it all and allow yourself for you know for any errors mistakes and i had to learn that really too it's okay to make mistakes and i feel like it's all almost was you know a year ago i was trying to release this documentary series and i hired i trusted the wrong person with it and it failed and i had such a big like heartbroken my heart was for like i was for like i was wasn't on online anything for 12 months. I was grieving. I was crying. I was like,

fuck, this is horrible. Like, I work on this, you know, for the four years. And this is not just my story. This is those 88 people.

And then, and then, and then I realized I had some, you know, expectation on how should, how things should be in life. Like, I thought I could control.

Okay, right. And that's surrender of, like, you know, just I wish I could be more playful back then and just having more fun when things weren't going good and just taking extra vacation and just

just having more enjoyment. But also feeling all of that, you know, it's necessary because it just was coming up some parts of me of that, you know, child who

fought she could somewhere control everything around her which as we get older it's really the balance between that

surrendering and knowing that you are in the perfect time, in the perfect place of the perfect people around you and here I see Crystal saying it was heartbreaking so proud of you for sharing about this so yeah I think that's

why we need need each other because just so we can remind each other now that grounds you I feel almost like sharing your story in a tribe and doing what we are doing today it grounds you in some way yeah and then we have Lani is saying, oh, go ahead, go ahead. Yeah, I think that having the courage to say things out loud calls the people to you that can help, right? Because you're sharing your story. When you do that, you're kind of declaring to the world,

like this happened to me. And only when you say it out loud can you be given the answers. Like if you want an answer, you've got to ask a question, right? Sometimes you have to vocalize that question. But you have to get through the difficult point. And that's, again, that's why I think the documentary is so great at achieving the goal of releasing shame from poor relationships. It's a real factor in helping people come to terms with, hey, I'm not perfect.

And nobody is, but we have this unrealistic expectation that we should be. Yeah, that we should be. What do you think that comes from? I like how you are intense. I should make more push-ups before this interview. Right? Well, conditioning, the whole, you know, we came to this world. As we came from the womb of our mother,

we kind of had to agree for many things which nobody asked us for. You know, we agreed to believe certain religion, nationality, and things which... We didn't choose. We didn't choose. And, you know, certain way of being brought up, like you should be perfect, like you mentioned,

which I relate with as well. And it's all kind of design to keep us, like kind of in a box almost, right? and where we get to suffer alone and eat dinner alone and cry behind the doors with nobody knowing. And it's that separation which I feel almost like a little bit, it might be related with not enough women to being in the world. And when I say women, I'm talking about, you know, the female energy of deep care and why we do what we do. So I have just, sorry, I just heard ice. I mean, I have here every hour, almost every hour.

Ice cream truck. And I'm like, ice cream, ice cream time. Wait, wait. So, yeah, those ice creams are tempting. Yeah, right? brings us back to childhood, right? There we are again. So that conditioning, it's, you know, now we have a choice.

We're adults. We can see it. We can name it. It has a name. We get to play with it and kind of play with the reality. That's what it is. That's, you know, we all do. All of us has this reality which thinks that's the way everybody feels and things.

and they have to agree with me. Of course my thoughts are better. Like, this is, I, you know, I lived here for 60 years. I worked so hard to make sense of this. And now, you know, the word is, you know, maybe it's not overall. Maybe it's in the shape of the heart. I don't know. Have you seen it?

So I, it's a really calling, I feel like, nowadays, of the female energy. to come back and connect with the earth and all of us. You invited me today, just being together. And I feel like that's breaking the conditioning of me. Like I should be perfect. All those kind of beliefs which are designed to keep us certain way. So our, I believe we are super natural human beings. Like I bear, we were created to be heroes and goddesses and goddess.

And like, you know, all of the trauma and sabotage, it just kind of steals away our natural light. You know, when you look at the children, they are like naturally smiling and you feel like, oh my God. Like it feels so, so beautiful to just look at the child. And we, you know, once in our life, we all. were there in such an ecstasy and love and this, you know, I don't have a children myself, but anytime I see children, I'm like almost jealous of this, like, ability to just express themselves without anybody, you know, excuse me, giving a fuck. You just can, you know, that's why I feel it is important for us to do those exercises,

either it's sharing your story or make a tantrum in your house, in a safe environment, like, you know, express that anger and just, you know, when was the last time you gave a tantrum yourself? Like, get the pillows and just get it out. Like, I do that many times, actually, when I feel like that's what I need. And I think we all should find those ways to circulate the energy. So it doesn't have to keep us, you know, like stuck and kind of zombie mode. And what's next? What next? What's, you know, what's the next thing somebody else wants? Now it's like it becomes like, what do I want? What do I want to do my time? And it's just you become that's what I call superheroes, which we all truly, I believe we all are.

Oh, yeah. Did I switch on something? Did you? No, no. I had another. Sorry, I clicked it. And I had actually, I had, I was, yeah, I had some, a trailer of Expoise. It was coming up. But I can put the link later on for those who would like to see it. So I hope that answers your question somewhere.

Yeah, of course. I just wanted to say that I'm also writing a book, actually, a woman way to heal. And I'm sharing there more about, you know, what I today shared a little bit about. I'm showing, I'm going deeper there. For those who would like to, or just are curious, you know, to get to know me more. I'm doing in the world. Here I got shy. A little bit.

Yeah. No, it's beautiful. I think that, I think everybody watching should, if they find themselves curious about relationships or, you know, generational trauma or just becoming a better version of themselves, they should definitely go to the links below and check out the YouTube channel, check out your book, definitely check out the documentary. I think you've done an incredible job on it and we forgot to

you know, you've done so much of the editing yourself with with your own tools. And I think that it really expresses a, a angle of life that not a whole lot of people get to see. And you do it through 88 stories and you have all these really cool individual people from different walks of life, sharing their experience, which I think brings the whole documentary to life. And I, where can people go in and find it? Maybe you can tell us a little bit about, Where they can find it, what you got coming up, and what you're excited about. So I would like to be on Oprah show. Yeah.

So that's where I'm going. You can go to Exposanetwork.com. Yeah, Exposanetwork.com and there you'll see the trailer, and the trailer goes to YouTube and please subscribe. because one of my dreams and many others is to get 1,000 subscribers. Yeah. And so it really helps. This is just the first expose.

I want to continue creating documentary, story series. And that will be great to just click it. So you can continue watching other episodes and another series. Just stay connected. Yeah, I agree. I think that this is the first of many documentaries, and I think that people will truly enjoy it. If they go down and check it out, go to the YouTube channel,

like, share it, subscribe it. Thank you to Crystal. Thank you to Lonnie. Everybody should be checking out the Rattle the Wake book series. Phenomenal. And hang on briefly afterwards. Anastasia, I just want to talk to you briefly, but to everybody else.

Thank you so much for hanging out with us today. And I just wanted to add it that I just wanted to add it that I started to it with absolutely with what with no camera I use Zoom you know most of my interviews

were this girl is crazy she used your Zoom of course she did she was resourceful yeah of course but later on so I'm sharing this

because you get to you can make your own documentary too you know you can use your iPhone you can if there's a certain topic you want to spread awareness And that's actually, for a while, I was trying to do this in schools around me, like teach children that they can share their story.

I mean, make a documentary. But I wasn't really, like the doors were closed for me because those, yeah, maybe they will be open later. Maybe when I have more, you know, fundamental, like the public schools are maybe. more open for some different things. I don't know for one. This kind of is unconventional way of I feel like helping children to express themselves. So in one point I really want to go back to schools and do those workshops and show them how they can make their own documentary. So that's another thing which I would love to do one point. kudos to your documentary okay thank you yeah i think you're doing it and i the tools are out there

it's nice to have an incredible team of people behind you doing editing it's nice to have a team of people behind you that are producing and promoting but there's something that's even more incredible about the authentic nature of someone trying to make a difference and i think that that is what separates your documentary and some people that i talk to is that i talk to is that that these are individuals on the front line without a budget making their own message. And I think that that is not only inspiring, but it's powerful. And it's, it's authenticity. Authenticity is vastly more important than a big budget.

Big budgets are nice, but anybody can do it with a big budget. Try doing it by yourself. Try creating a team around you. And I'm proud of you for that. I think that that's why your documentary stands out is like, you built this thing and people come to it. Like you shine this light and people are moving towards it. It would be nice to go have a multi-million dollar education.

It wouldn't be nice to have all that. But you can do it without it. And I want to encourage people to follow your light and do that. Like it's beautiful. And that's what makes it beautiful. So thank you for having the courage to do it. My pleasure. And more to come.

Yeah. Absolutely. Thank you for a beautiful. I mean for the time, a space you gave me today and so much kudos to you. And I'm looking forward to supporting each other in the future. Thank you, all of for listening and for your generosity. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, that's all we got for today.

I hope you have a beautiful day. Aloha. Aloha.