TrueLife - Comedy One-Liners: Sharp, Funny & Unapologetically Real

Starting point is 00:00:01 Darkness struck, a gut-punched theft, Sun ripped away, her health bereft. I roar at the void. This ain't just fate, a cosmic scam I spit my hate. The games rigged tight, shadows deal, blood on their hands, I'll never kneel. Yet in the rage, a crack ignites, occulted sparks cut through the nights. The scars my key, hermetic and stark. To see, to rise, I hunt in the dark, fumbling, fear. Hears through ruins maze, lights my war cry, born from the blaze.

Starting point is 00:00:39 The poem is Angels with Rifles. The track, I Am Sorrow, I Am Lust by Codex Seraphini. Check out the entire song at the end of the cast. Como istas, amigos? Welcome back to the podcast. I thought we'd try a little something fun, something new, something borrowed something blue what are we getting married

Starting point is 00:01:25 what's going on there all right let's do some proverbs today let's knock out a few of these things are kind of fun I enjoy being able to have some of these in my arsenal and I've got a few friends that have reached out to me and told me how much they really enjoy them

Starting point is 00:01:42 therefore I want to do what you guys like I want to give you what you want so I thought I'd give you a double shot of these here proverbs I'm going to start off with richer and poorer money

Starting point is 00:02:01 if the best things in life are free why does so many people think that money makes the world go round and that money is power maybe it's because he who pays the piper calls the tune and money makes dogs dance

Starting point is 00:02:18 or maybe it's as simple as As money talks, because money doesn't grow on trees, and there's no such thing as a free lunch. Save it carefully. As many a mickle makes a muckle, and a penny saved is a penny earned. For money has a way of taking wings. Sometimes, though, it's important to spend in for a penny, in for a pound. They say, but please, try to get the money.

Starting point is 00:02:52 money honestly, if you can. Richer. Watch out. For when money's not a servant, it's a master. And any gardener will tell you that good soil is worth more than gold. You may be happier if you stay where there are songs and go where poor people entertain with the heart.

Starting point is 00:03:18 Because it's always the idiots who have money. despite the fact that a fool and his money are soon parted. Remember, half of something is better than all of nothing. But money isn't everything. So although every bird loves its nest, it's funny how money can buy you a house but not a home. And never forget, when you die, you can't take it with you. For you make a living from what you get,

Starting point is 00:03:49 you make a life from what you give. And even the poorest man has the sun and the stars. Moderation. Money won't solve all your problems, but having enough is better than having too much. For the bigger your roof, the more snow it collects. And many donkeys mean a lot of hay. Admittedly, there's one law for the rich, another for the poor.

Starting point is 00:04:19 but more slaves makes more thieves so better a small deal than a long quarrel and better your own copper than another man's gold that's because money is the root of all evil and when money speaks the truth stays silent remember all that glitters is not gold and pearls are worth nothing in the desert you know a bird wouldn't see if it knew how poor it is, so always count your blessings. Poor. Life for the poor can be tough. For the sated, do not see the hungry, and every rock strikes the feet of the poor. Indeed, beggars can't be choosers.

Starting point is 00:05:10 For a man with no money can do nothing in a market. Lovers should bear in mind that love does, much, but money does more. And when money goes out the door, love flies out the window. It's the same in Alaska, where unless you're the head husky, the view stays much the same,

Starting point is 00:05:32 because a man with no bread has no authority, which is why small fish never sleep. Honor and shame. Honor. Honor once lost, never returns, for honor cannot be bought. which is why a good name is the best treasure of all. It's better to be poor with honor than rich with shame,

Starting point is 00:06:04 and it's also better to deserve honor and have none than have honor and not deserve it. The measure of honor is in the person giving it, so there's no honor for an eagle in vanquishing a dove. But there is honor among thieves, for the thief thinks all men are like him. himself. Do not lose honor through fear, for a whole is more honorable than a patch. And where there is no honor, there is no dishonor. Great honors can be great burdens. For honor and reward are indifferent sacks. So all in all honor is better than honors. Remember, a prophet is not

Starting point is 00:06:52 without honor save in his own country. So keep your boasts until after the battle. For honor, often only blossoms in the grave. Respect. In matters of integrity, honesty is the best policy. For when a monkey can't reach a ripe banana, he says it isn't sweet. Since we are all guardians of our own honor. If you've only a day to live, spend half of it in the saddle, for it is better to die on your feet than live on your knees. And pay attention, he that respects not is not respected. So respect others if you want to be respected, because respect is mutual.

Starting point is 00:07:41 Remember, there is no shame in learning, and if you understand danger, you'll not feel it, which is lucky. as the more the danger, the greater the honor, for no strength within, no respect without. Of course, none but the brave deserve the fair. So remember, every slip is not a fall, and it is better to retire in honor than advance and disgrace. Shame. Shame is a complex, a clean conscious makes a good pillow. But guilt is good for you. For if you fear shame, you fear sin.

Starting point is 00:08:24 Thus someone who fears no shame comes to no honor. Any person with no shame has no conscious. As no sin is hidden to the soul, so light a candle rather than curse the darkness and be warned that a long silence makes a big noise. Take note. Dirty feet stain the carpet. and shame lasts longer than poverty.

Starting point is 00:08:51 So if you lie down with dogs, you'll get up with fleas. Just as one scabby sheep infects a thousand, just remember, your mouth won't stink if you don't eat garlic. Take note. A thief's a king until he's caught, because necessity knows no law. And sometimes it's just either throne or coffin. Indeed, shame can kill.

Starting point is 00:09:18 Many lay their shame on the backs of others, for a man with an ill name is half hanged. Shame on you. What a shame. Love and lament. Love. Take heed. One cannot love and be wise, for love is blind, and love can make you blind and death. As love enters man through his eyes and women through her ears. Indeed the first love letters are written with the eyes After which a letter from the heart can be read on the face No wind is too cold For lovers

Starting point is 00:09:59 And when one is in love A cliff becomes a meadow For love makes the impossible possible And love understands all languages Remember The heart sees further than the head Which is why a life with love is happy. A life for love is foolish, and it's best to have one thread for the needle,

Starting point is 00:10:24 one love for the heart. Interestingly, love can't grow garlic, but garlic can grow love, so put food before romance, for the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and love has to be shown by deeds, not words, like the sun, give more love than you receive. for love begets love and a loving heart has no equal indeed goodness of heart is more important than appearance in love beggar and king are equal for all this fair in love and war and the heart that loves is always young sometimes stolen sugar is the sweetest although for many a mother's love is best of all there's someone for everyone even an amended lid for a cracked pot. And since love makes the world go round, of course love will find a way. Lament. A broken hand can work, but a broken heart can't. As all too often those who love us make us cry. And although you can suffer without love, you can't love without suffering. Love is a despot.

Starting point is 00:11:45 who spares no one, but it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. In most cases, love hurts but doesn't kill. So because the heart knows its own pain, pain is obligatory, suffering optional. Be careful. Yield to your body's desires and endure the disasters that follow, for he who marries for love dies miserably of anger. So watch out. For a little love you pay all your life.

Starting point is 00:12:19 Don't be jealous. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. And there is no love without jealousy, although jealousy destroys love. So all too often a loving heart can change to hatred. And there's no medicine to cure hatred. Hate burns its preserver. So the sooner you learn to love your enemy and realize that anger is a luxury you can't afford, the quicker you can move on.

Starting point is 00:12:46 Often a lover's quarrel is love's renewal. But many kiss the hand they would love to cut off. So if you have no big knife, kiss your enemy. At the very least, love and let the world know and hate in silence. I love you. I love you. Married or single. Mary. Mary first and love will follow.

Starting point is 00:13:15 But before you marry, make sure of a house we're in to Terry. For you should only get married when you can build an igloo, together if possible, for teamwork holds you together, as four eyes see better than two. Often, girls marry to please parents, widows to please themselves, but even so marriages are not as they are made, but how they turn to. out. Thus, if your partner mines the children, you'll catch more whales, and you should butcher the animals as your wife directs, as she knows your needs. Remember, love is a flower which turns into fruit at marriage, and much of love comes after marriage. For although a happy man marries the girl he

Starting point is 00:14:05 loves, a happier man loves the girl he marries. This is because Once the home is set up, love is shown by deeds, not words. So even if you only get married when you can sew well, you'll find that if you love the vase, you'll love what's inside, and that children are the reward of life. Dally, love spares no one, and there is magic in love. Thus one wedding often brings another. You should follow your heart.

Starting point is 00:14:43 For there is no love like the first love, and an early marriage brings young love, especially since marriages are made in heaven, but be aware. The course of true love never did run smooth, so don't marry in haste and be sorry at your leisure, and never choose a spouse by candlelight, for it's much easier to fall in love than to stay in love. Remember, pretty paths can be crooked, and if you marry beauty, you marry beauty, you marry too.

Starting point is 00:15:13 trouble, which is why a marriage in May is rude forever. And know that a kiss must last long enough to be enjoyed and the frequent kisses end in a baby. Single. Actually, don't get married. A good marriage lasts three days, bad ones until death. In fact, marriage is the tomb of love. And where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Think it over. Marriage is both heaven and hell. For marriages and ships always need mending, as all too often in marriage cheat who can. Remember, if you marry a monkey for money, the money goes and the monkey stays. So never marry for money. as you'll borrow it cheaper and don't marry a woman with bigger feet than yours marry late or never despite the fact that a late marriage makes orphans but watch out if you always say no you'll see how

Starting point is 00:16:27 the choosy person ends up with the ordinary marriage is a lottery and a woman's heart is like the autumn sky So do you really want to marry and grow tame? Or be told that a woman's work is never done? Or that a woman's place is in the home? Take heed. Who marries does well and who marries not does better. Work and play. Work.

Starting point is 00:17:02 Hard work never killed anyone. Although if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Be prepared to put the hours in. for work has bitter roots but sweet fruits and it is working that makes the workmen mind you do it well measure seven times and cut once for a worker is known by his work

Starting point is 00:17:27 and fine work is its own flattery so the work praises the workman and if the laborer is worthy of his hire pick your trade aim before you shoot acquire skill and make it deep and bear in mind that he who likes his work to him work comes easy remember if you look at the clouds your work will fail just as weighty work is done with few words so go sure and steady haste makes waste and a stitch in time saves nine rome wasn't built in a day some trade tricks If you're in Anvil, be patient. If you're a hammer, be strong. Leap where the hedge is lowest.

Starting point is 00:18:18 And make a new bucket while you still have the old one. Never forget. The hardest work is to do nothing. So everybody must make his own arrows, unless you're a teacher as he who can does. He who can't teaches. Timing is key. Don't put off today's work. until tomorrow. But note, a windy day is not a thatching day, and launch the canoe when the

Starting point is 00:18:46 breakers are calm. Above all, be prepared. A bird collar must always be alert, just as a cat in gloves catches no mice. And remember, work loves fools, so a volunteer is worth two pressed men. Idleness. Idleness is the root of all evil, and laziness is the mother of all vices. For the devil makes work for idle hands. In addition, the lazy pig does not eat ripe pears. Just as someone with no work in summer has no winter boots, and he who looks for light work goes very tired to bed. Excuses are the offspring of laziness. thus a bad dancer blames the floor just as a poor writer

Starting point is 00:19:41 blames his pen and a bad workman blames his tools however a bad excuse is better than none and if ifs ands were pots and pans there'd be no work

Starting point is 00:19:55 for tinker's hands just remember you can't get something for nothing and if you pay peanuts you get monkeys or you might even get a jack of all trades and a master of none. Play. When the cat is away, the mice will play, since all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. So don't burn the candle at both ends, as it's the pace that kills.

Starting point is 00:20:26 And hear this, an hour of play is worth more than a year of talking. So it's better to play for nothing than to work for nothing. Although if you work like an aunt, you'll eat sugar. It's nearly always best if you don't roll up your trousers before you reach the stream. And bear in mind, the barbers don't shave their own beards. In any case, there's a time and place for everything. So don't forget to breathe. All right, my friends, that's going to do it for this little edition of Proverbs.

Starting point is 00:21:07 Jen, if you're listening, thank you to all my friends. family and people taking time to check this out i love you thank you for spending a little bit of time with me and i hope you enjoyed it remember forgive and forget nothing ventured nothing gained when the cat is away the mice will play once bitten twice shy all is fair and loving all for peace there must first be more hunger is definitely the best cook it's often that a man's mouth broke his nose or you're part of a problem. You could cut a better man out of a hedge.

Starting point is 00:21:49 That is funny. All right, my friends. Until next time, I will talk to you soon. Aloha.

TrueLife - Comedy One-Liners: Sharp, Funny & Unapologetically Real

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.