TrueLife - Jake Wood - The Wounded Healer

Episode Date: May 12, 2023

One on One Video Call W/George https://tidycal.com/georgepmonty/60-minute-meetingSupport the show:https://www.paypal.me/Truelifepodcast?locale.x=en_US🚨🚨Curious about the future of psychedelics? Imagine if Alan Watts started a secret society with Ram Dass and Hunter S. Thompson… now open the door. Use Promocode TRUELIFE for Get 25% off monthly or 30% off the annual plan For the first yearhttps://www.district216.com/http://linkedin.com/in/jake-wood-978711147"The moment you're ready to quit is usually the moment right before the miracle happens." - UnknownAs a Life Transformation coach, I specialize in coaching individuals who are facing difficult life challenges and who may be on the brink of giving up, how to embrace their adversities and use them to their advantage in taking back control over their lives.Battling through my own personal challenges of depression, addiction, and cancer - I've learned that there is a remarkable transformation that occurs just beyond the brink - a rebirth of sorts - that unlocks a power within ourselves that we never knew existed. One on One Video call W/George https://tidycal.com/georgepmonty/60-minute-meetingSupport the show:https://www.paypal.me/Truelifepodcast?locale.x=en_USCheck out our YouTube:https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPzfOaFtA1hF8UhnuvOQnTgKcIYPI9Ni9&si=Jgg9ATGwzhzdmjkg

Darkness struck, a gut-punched theft, Sun ripped away, her health bereft. I roar at the void. This ain't just fate, a cosmic scam I spit my hate. The games rigged tight, shadows deal, blood on their hands, I'll never kneel. Yet in the rage, a crack ignites, occulted sparks cut through the nights. The scars my key, hermetic and stark. To see, to rise, I hunt in the dark, fumbling, fear. Fearist through ruins maze, lights my war cry, born from the blaze.

The poem is Angels with Rifles. The track, I Am Sorrow, I Am Lust by Codex Serafini. Check out the entire song at the end of the cast. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, welcome back to the True Life podcast. I hope everybody out there is having a beautiful day. You know, in our lives, there's so much that we can be caught up about or we can kind of get caught in the mix a little bit, but there's so much to be thankful for. And one of the things I want everyone to be thankful for is their own origin story. I want people to be thankful that there's

people out there that have been through things before that you may be coming up to. There's a great quote that says, most people in life are either going into a storm, they're in a storm, or they're coming out of a storm. And I'm going to introduce you today to our friend of the show, Jake Wood, who's been in all of those positions. And I think he's really fit to tell us about the adventure he's been on. And I think everyone can pull some nuggets of truth out of these adventures. So Jake Wood, he lives his life with so much passion. But there's a quote that he has called Living Beyond the Brink. And I think his story sums that up. But before I pat, there's a lot I could say about it, but I'm going to dish it off because I want him to tell

the story here. But I want to start with this one quote that really hit home for me, Jake. And that is the moment right before you quit is usually the moment right before the miracle happens, man. How are you? How did you come up with that quote? What's going on there? Yeah, I'm doing well. Thank you for having me on here. The quote is, I didn't come up with the quote. It was something that I had read. Like, you know, being in sales my whole life, it was something of like, and you don't want to give up, right? You get told no the whole time and it was something where it was like, you know, usually, and there's a lot of inspiring stories of like, usually it's, you know, they're just ready to give up. And then all of a sudden, like a donor will come in and give them a bunch of money.

to start their business and whatnot. And I just kept seeing that happen, right? Because I was like, I don't want to do that. But then you can push a little bit further, right? Just hanging on, trying again. Then all of a sudden, it's like, wow, I'm so glad I did. That's when like that transformation happens. And so it was something that like really stuck with me because there was something I struggled with.

Right. I wanted to quit quite a bit. Yeah. I think that that is a point that. we can really drive home. I think a lot of people really want to quit. And there's nothing worse than seeing that person who has quit because it feels like part of them has died.

And the truth is, everybody who's made it has probably been through those moments where they quit on themselves. And it built a fire in them. You know, like the fire goes out, but then they build a new fire. And it builds back in a way and burns brighter than anything ever possible.

And I think that's what your story does, Jake. And I was just hopeful. I want to I first off congratulations on all the new certificates you've gotten. Congratulations on all the people whom you have touched and helped become better and believe in themselves. I think that's amazing. But I like to start off with origin stories and I think that you have a beautiful one. So I just want to turn it over to you and you know, you can start from wherever you think is a great starting path. But maybe you can just introduce a little bit of who you are and then start with your origin story.

Yeah, for sure. So I am from a. small coal mining town in eastern Utah, right? So my grandpa, he worked in his mind of his whole life retired. My dad 20 plus years. My brother worked there. I worked there for about six months as all. Insane experience. But I, you know, I've been doing a lot of, a lot of sales in my life, a lot of managing, a lot of leading. And so I was always big into coaching. I, you know, played sports growing up, love basketball. I'm big basketball fans. So, I had kind of wanted to be a coach that way.

I love working with people and just kind of life, like, as we'll talk about, just, you know, if we think we're going to go one way and then it's like, no, man, like this is, you know, that's not going to happen, right? So, but yeah, it all, I'll start, right? I'm from a big family, right? A family of eight. There's, I have four sisters and a brother. I am the fourth out of the six kids.

You know, being, I mean, it's kind of a typical large Mormon family, right? I grew up in a really religious home. You know, the roots go way back to the beginning of the church, right? So my third great-grandpa was Wilford Woodruff, who was the fourth president and prophet of the church. Wow. And so that entire line, right, the Woodruff side is, you know, all of my uncles were all seminary teachers, a lot of strong, strong faith. A lot of strong faith. Wonderful people.

It's, you know, I was blessed. You know, they all have six kids. So I have a ton of cousins and they all have babies. It's just, it's insane. But yeah, that's, it's kind of where I had kind of mentioned this earlier too. It's like, I've told my story a little bit. Like a lot of people had known some of the things that have happened to me. But it wasn't until I'm not, not joking.

It was about a month, maybe two months ago, really, when, like, that real healing experience came. And which is why it was like, you know, when I met Kristen, it was like, okay, this is kind of, this is really fast. Just because of the fact that I had that, it was trauma, right? I didn't know I had trauma. I was, I think I lost. Okay. So, yeah, I didn't realize that. that the trauma part of my life was even a thing because I grew up in such a loving family,

right? I had both parents, right? I was loved. I had a lot of family. And I was just like, I know a lot of people who have had a lot of horrible things happen, and that's trauma. But, you know, working with an amazing therapist, like honestly, it's really hard. I feel like to find, I feel like it's difficult to find a good therapist, right? You go, and sometimes it doesn't do, it does damage going. But, you know, her name is Amanda Mossing. It's actually her birthday. You can find her at soul dash feather.com.

She's a beautiful, beautiful soul. But we were talking and a lot of emotions were coming up, right? Where it was, you know, trauma. And Dr. Gabor Mate has talks about it, right? Trauma is not what happens to you, right? Those are traumatic events. trauma is what happens inside you. And so as we were going back through my childhood, right, like those, that's when those things start coming, right?

Like that's when the voice in our head, we call it our gremlin, right? In the, you know, in the course that I took, like to get my certification, that's what we talked about. That gremlin's that voice in your head. It's, you know, you don't belong here. You're not smart enough. And those usually, that message usually comes when we're younger. Right. But it's there to protect us. And, you know, when we started talking about it, you know, my gremlin had always been like, like, I'm a bad person, right? Or that I didn't belong. And we were going back and trying to go back as far as we could, right, to see maybe where those things happened. And I want to be clear, too, it's like, like I said, my parents, my family, all were the best people, right? It wasn't any. anything to do with them. They went through their childhood trauma. We all go through it, right?

But I saw it happening where, and I was, I had a ton of energy as a kid. I could not stop talking, laughed all the time, right? Like, I would get kicked out of every single class, right? Primary, like, even at home, it was like, I would be too much for my mom, right? Like, hey, go see grandma. So I'd, you know, I have a grandma. I'd go annoying her. But as I was getting, you know, kicked out of class or, you know, just kind of like, it was just kind of confusing to me because I would get scared because then I was getting in trouble, right? Because then it was like, okay, hey, you can't even be quiet. And that kind of goes with what Dr. Mate talks about too, is like it's suppressing who we are, right? Like those are natural emotions, right? And to feel that,

okay, if I act this way, that's bad. I'm not, I can't do that, right? And so there'd be those times, you know, in sports, if I would make a mistake, I'd start crying in front of everybody because I made a mistake or I thought I was going to get yelled at kind of thing. Right. And so, but then as we are going through that, that's when, you know, with the church type stuff where I started going back there where I could see a lot of those messages being reinforced in that religious side of things. where again the church has blessed me so much in my life i i owe a lot of my my growth to them um but

there but there were certain things of you know we didn't watch pg 13 movies we could watch like disney shows and animated scripture shows and in those animated scripture movies it was like you know there's a story about wicked king uh Noah right they call it wicked king Noah and you know he got burned to the steak and so it was that whole idea of if you're not living the commandments you're a wicked person right you're a bad person right so it's kind of that either or and i could see that right so when i'm going to to church and i'm getting kicked out of class it kind of was like like you know that's where it was starting um but you know i didn't know and that's kind of where the confusing part is like as a kid like you don't know that that's happened

to you. And so I kind of thought it was normal. You fast forward to when you're 12 years old, right, adolescent years, you know, this is where it really got difficult for me. You know, when you're going through, it was kind of a difficult part of the whole process, but I feel like it's important. Absolutely. So the birds and the bees talk didn't really happen. What had? happened was there was a talk given by a general authority that was it was entitled to young men only right and it was talking and it later became a pamphlet which i received when i was 12 and in the pamphlet it talks about you know it compares the reproductive system to a little factory right

And so like the misuse of that factory, you know, it can run its course, right? If you just let it go let alone, it'll run its course. It works just fine. But if you start to tamper with it, right? If you start to like, you know, do anything that, you know, during that age, which is, which is normal behavior that I learn now, it's like that's, it doesn't matter. Like that stuff that's literally going to happen, then there's serious consequences, right? And so when you think about it, it was talking about like, if you give in once, like, it's something that you can be tempted again and again. And you won't feel anything but depressed and guilty.

Wow. Yeah. And so I don't want to like to just say it. Say it. So I did write down some things because I don't want to. A misconception is people that leave the church are angry at the church. And so I'm not angry at the church. And so, but a part of it was, it's like, you know, pray more, read a hit, read more in the scriptures and sing a hymn.

The signal of worthy manhood is self-control. If you misuse it, you will be worthy. Boys are to become men, masculine, manly men. Ultimately, to become husbands and fathers, no one is predestined to be a perverted use of these powers. And by that time, those were natural things that had happened. But like in my mind from that I am bad, like that shattered me because like I wanted to be, I wanted to be good, right? Like it wasn't like I was trying to misbehave in my classes.

Like I really wanted to be good. And that was the same in church and killed me because at that age, they have the sacrament. right and then when you're 12 years old you you pass the sacrament tip but but if you make a mistake like that um then you're not able to right you don't have the holy ghost with you right so you have to sit out for a while but if there's like five 12 year olds in that you know the ward and you're sitting out everybody obviously everybody knows that okay jake had done something and so then that's a thought in your head it's like okay now everybody thinks i'm bad Like going back to that, oh my gosh, I'm bad because, you know, this is happening.

And then, you know, you repent, you confess. And then after a certain amount of time, you can bless the sacrament again until it happens again. Right. So then it was kind of like a, it's like, okay, my family, I'm letting all of my family down. They see this. You know, people in the ward see this. And it was just really, really hard to go through. And so, you know, especially because the first time that I had seen anything to do with pornography, right, was no doing good fire.

It was, you know, I was 10 years old. You know, I was like walking out in the hills and Pratton and I came across the magazine. And I felt so guilty. It felt like I had looked for it, right? And I didn't dare say anything because I didn't want to get in trouble. I didn't want to be bad. And like, I think of it now. I'm like, oh, my gosh, that's.

Like, I just want to hug. Yeah. I hug that person, that kid, right? And so that was, that was kind of my 12 to, let's say, throughout high school, right? I didn't drink. I didn't do any drugs all through high school. I didn't have a girlfriend because I was scared of death. I had no healthy idea of what relationships were, right?

Like the sexual type instances. and, you know, it was time for me to be at the age of going on a mission, a church mission. So I was going to be one of the first, my brother didn't serve a mission, right? He's older. And I was going to be the first, you know, grandkids to serve a mission. And so I was like, okay, yeah, this is, this is awesome. But, like, during that couple months period of, like, getting out of high school and before you go on a mission, they tell you it's like to be extremely careful during that.

time because Satan doesn't want you to go on a mission, right? Satan is going to do everything in his power to make it so you don't go. And so it's like, don't be alone with a girl, a member of the opposite sex, you know, just try to be, you know, like have somebody with you, you know, basically to watch you. And unfortunately, I had I had messed up before I left. And again, when I did, it felt like I could feel my soul just like, dreaming like, like, no, right? It was like, it was just so, as soon as it happened, right? It was just, oh my gosh, what am I going to do?

But I didn't want to tell anybody because I wouldn't be able to go. Yeah. And I knew a lot of people who had done what I had done and even worse, and they still went on their mission, right? I was just like, I'm going to do that. Yeah, totally. I'll be cool. I lasted maybe about like a little like,

and a half weeks, they put me in a leadership position right off the bat, right? Over about eight or ten missionaries. And I was constantly getting praised of how good of an example I was, how great of a leader I was. And inside I was just like, oh, they have no idea. And I couldn't. I'm just like, I can't lie anymore. I was, you know, I didn't want to do that to the people. And I really, really wanted to be a great missionary, right? Like I followed all of the rules. I did everything that I could. trying to do so to make up for what I'm not feeling worthy. So it was late at night I called our district leader who ended up calling the mission president. You know, I confessed to them.

And I was sent home from my mission. So in my mind, right, this is a whole other thing of like it's not what happens to us. It's happening within us, right? That's what the trauma is. So in my mind, it's again like, oh my gosh, like I'm not worthy. you know when you have a big family like the idea is you know in you know latter day saint like it's not a we don't believe in hell right it's you know there's levels of the the kingdoms right so celestial kingdom is the highest level and you want to be there with their family right and so you don't want to be left out

of that because it's all about family right everything is like we don't want any empty chairs in heaven and i didn't want to be that empty chair and so that that like that mindset of like, oh my gosh, I'm screwing it up. I'm, I'm going to be the one, you know, left out. And I'm disappointing my mom, my dad. And that's my mind, right? Like my mind is just continuous, right? A lot of energy.

And so it's just eating at me, eating at me. Yep. So to stop that, I, you know, I remember I came home. I went to my first party. It was out in the hills. I drank for the first time. and, you know, I, I enjoyed the confidence that I got from it, right? I was talking.

I wasn't thinking about how big of a piece of crap I was. And, you know, shortly after that, it's kind of crazy because I went from that to pain pills. I was offered some pain pills. And I started taking pain pills. I smoked weed for the first time. And I just, I mean, it numbed it, right? Like, yeah. I didn't have to think of anything.

And so like, man, I'm, I'm just going to continue to do this. At that time, though, oxycontin. So it was a time when, like, our little town just got destroyed by oxyconton. And so, I mean, everybody, you know, everybody was doing it. I started to sell some to support the habit. Like, people would pay. like $110 for one pill. Wow.

Ridiculously expensive, but it was because it was, it's synthetic heroin, right? Right. Yep. And so then once that becomes too expensive, right, then you have heroin that's super cheap. Right. And so then that's where heroin comes into play. And there's a lot of people, you know, overdose, you know, just a bad, bad time. But it wasn't like that was my drug of choice.

I just didn't want to fill. Right. Right. And so there was a point where I didn't have anything. And prices also, it's a pretty, it has a meth problem, pretty bad. It's a small town. It's about an hour away from really anything. And I had known of an apartment complex down there that was known for having meth.

And all of my friends, really strong LDS, right? best friends ever you know but they had left on their mission a lot of ones that are close to my age and none of them would have done that so i just went by myself it was like remember it was like one or two in the morning i just drove down there i saw a car that was spark on the side of the road and had some people in it and in my mind i was like i bet they are those are the guys yeah those are the guys so i just walked up to the car knocked on their window freaked them out a little bit. That's awesome.

No idea who I am, but I was just like, hey, like, do you guys know where to get this? If you do, like, I'll buy everything. Like, because I don't know how to smoke it. I don't know how to do things. So I was like, I'll buy it if you guys will help me smoking. And they're like, all right, man. Yeah, let's do it. Jump in, bro.

Welcome to the family. Yeah. Best friends, right? Me, totally. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. And so I'm like, okay. Yeah.

And we end up, it was like a, it was like staying up for like three, four days. Just insane stuff happening where, because you kind of get like you hallucinate a little bit, right? Yeah, of course. There was a time we're at like a trailer park. Some guy ran in, you know, he had like a little knife and he's like, they're after me, they're after me. And I hadn't done anything yet. So I was still coherent. So I'm like, who's after you?

But there wasn't anybody. Right. For him there was. For him, there was absolutely. five guys looking for them. Exactly. Exactly. So that's kind of like, you know, three, four days and then money runs out.

Matt's gone. They're no longer your friends. Yeah. Right. They're just people that are passed out. My conscious starts coming in. And I leave. I start walking home.

Right. It's about four, four, 30 or five in the morning. And I'm just walking, like, just kind of like lost, right, tired. And I see a like a basement apartment light on. And I'm like, dude, maybe they have meth. Like that's my mindset of like, yeah. I'm gonna go out. I'm just gonna go knock on that random door

and ask them if they have meth. So I walk over there and I knock on the door and I'm like, I'm just out of it. And the kid that opens it, I recognize him. He was a kid that I knew from the college there. And he opens the door and I look right by him and him and his roommate, I looked by him and his roommate was sitting there at the table and they had their scriptures open.

Like they're having scripture study and he looks at me and he's like, Jake. And his name is actually Jake too, but he's like, Jake and I couldn't say anything. Right. I just saw the scriptures. And it was just kind of like, dude, what are you doing? Like, go home. It's like, go home, tell your parents, right? Like, you need to help.

So I walked home, you know, they were sleeping. I just walked in the room and I told them that I needed help. And my parents are the most amazing people in the world. And, you know, they're like, okay, yeah, let's get you some help. But we lived an hour away, right, through the canyon. And so we were calling a detox center because I was not right mentally. I was just wanting to end everything right, just like my life. And so he called somewhere and they said that they had a bed for me.

We drive up there. And by the time we got up there, they're like, oh, I'm sorry, we filled the bed already. So then he had to drive me back home, you know, an hour back through the canyon back home. We called somewhere else. They said that they have a bed for me. And so he drove up again and back. And finally, we did find a place where they kept the bed open. And I was able to get in.

And I ended up going to rehab, which the church helped and pay for. And rehab is so expensive, right? Like so expensive. And, you know, because my parents have been so, you know, faithful and just as like, no, we want you to help. We want to help. And so I was able to go to rehab. immediately like I'm talking like two weeks later I was playing at a softball tournament and there was

you know I was playing in the outfield and the ball was hit between me and the the left fielder and we didn't talk we didn't communicate right so we're both running at it and I die for the ball and he doesn't and he's a he's a big guy too and I'm laid out and I my shoulder just drives right into his thigh. I just crunched. They also, they could just hear it, you know, clear in the, you know, the dugouts and everything. So I shattered my clavicle. I broke a couple ribs on the, on my left side. And, you know, when I kind of came to, like, it was a big gas, right? Because I think it had, like, hit part of that lung. And I'm just like, oh, my gosh. Like, I was like, I think I broke my back. I think I broke my back. They're like, I don't know, man, you messed

the shoulder up. Yeah. You know, completely out. But because of that, I was right back on pain pills. Right. Right back on pain pills.

And I, a lot of pain pills. So I don't have a job. At this point, too, I start getting like, I started getting crazy. Like I was going completely against the kind,

loving Jake. Right? I was just going like, when I was big into rap music, gangster rap music, I loved gangster rap music. It was like the furthest thing away from the church, right? And so I was, you know, I wanted to be, I thought I was a gangster, right? I was hanging out with people who I shouldn't have been hanging out with. But I just was getting, I just didn't want to feel it. So like all day,

I would go, I would just, I didn't have a job yet. So I'd be upstairs and I'd go to my room and sniff a bunch of park as set, come back up. It'd be all day, just back and forth. And, you know, during this time, I was still, you know, messing up on the immoral side of things. I'm not going to church, messing up that way, and which literally was the whole, like, the morality part would be the thing that would just drive me to take more and more and more, and more just try to numb it because, like I said, as a kid, you know, you learn that sexual sins, it's next to murder, right? So you're thinking, it's like, dude, I'm on that level.

like, right? It's like I'm on that level. And so just numbing, numbing and I got a call from one of the church leaders and they said they wanted to hold the disciplinary council for me for my membership, right? It was, you know, during those councils,

you either get disfellowshiped, meaning that, you know, you're still a member of the church, but you can't hold the calling, you can't pray and things like that. Or you get excommunicated, where you lose, all of your blessings. You lose the gift of the Holy Ghost. You lose, you know, the priesthood. You lose all of

those things. And I was like, dude, go ahead, have it. I don't care. Excommunicate me. I don't care. It was just like, you know, do what you got to do. And I honestly, I did not think I cared. I got a letter in the mail from them telling me that they had, you know, held the council. And when I had read, It was like, you know, dear brother would. You know, the council had, you know, come to a conclusion. And it said, you are no longer a member of the Church of Jesus Christ, the Latter-day States. And, oh, my gosh, like, it hurt.

Yeah. It hurt really, really bad. But I didn't think I cared, like, at all, right? But, like, my inner, my inner Jake, my inner self was just like, dude, that is, it was a killer. Yeah. So that kind of, you know, that's when I started getting all of my tattoos. That was kind of like a healing thing for me. Sure.

Wooning. I needed to feel something. And so, you know, I just got all sorts of tatted up. Then one of my buddies was going to North Carolina to sell security systems right for the summer. It's a big thing in Utah to go out and do that. And they asked me if I wanted to come out with them. And at that time, I was on a drug. called Suboxin. Are you familiar with that? I'm not familiar with that, no. So it's a drug that they give,

you know, opiate, people trying to come off of opiates, right? And so I'm on that. I'm not doing any opiates. So I'm doing pretty good. I get to North Carolina and I was there probably about a month, is all. And, you know, I started smoking weed again. I made a mistake that, you know, when, when like word was getting around the office you know i was i was denying everything but you know i one of the managers was like hey there's another office in houston that needs somebody and we're going to send you there so like all right so i fly home and then i drive down to houston i don't have any of my i don't have a doctor down there to get my suboxone okay and so i'm going through like heroin withdrawals really just you know this the same kind of of withdrawals of sure you

you get. So I don't go out for the first two weeks. I don't go out and do any of like, you know, the installations, security systems. I find somebody at the McDonald's who I thought looked like they smoked weed. They smoked weeds. And so I ended up just like hanging out with them the whole time. There was one point where all of the sales reps had left and the for an incentive, the manager had put five, $100 bills just pinned up there. So when I went to the office, I saw that. I saw nobody around. I took all $500 and went and got a tattoo. So it was, I was the only one not working. So of course, it was like, hey, did you take the money? I'm like, no, I didn't take the money. It's like, you know, kind of the same thing. But then after that, they're like, hey, we're going to send you to another office down in. It was called the Houston South office. So I get kicked out of that office as well. And when I got to that Houston South office, it was an office full of Canadians, which were the coolest, the nicest people in the world. But they were all, it were all clean cut.

You know, some of them had their wives, their kids. And I was like, oh, my gosh, like, this is my family. They're all Mormons, right? Like, I know, like, I know that they are. And so I felt at home and I felt those thoughts of, like, I started to actually think about Mormonism again. I started to think about like my life. I don't know if you're familiar with like the prodigal son story. Sure.

So there, it was one of my favorite animated script for movies as a kid. And it kind of like reminded me of myself. I'm like, oh, I had all of this, you know, I'm going to go on my own and then, you know, with the world. And I lose everything. And a part in that movie, it shows the prodigal son. Like, it was when he was walking around. Like he had lost everything.

Kind of like when I was on Met, just walking around. Like he just didn't have anything, no friends. Right. And he started eating with the pigs, right? Just the slop in, like, he stopped. And he's like, what am I doing? He's like, even my father's hired servants are eating better than I am. Right?

Like, I'll go work for my father. I'll go work and go back. And I immediately related, like, related that to me. I'm like, man, like, look at my family. Like, every single one of them are happy. They have kids. to have a life and here I am getting kicked out of everywhere sad, depressed, alone. Yeah.

I'm like, I want to go back. Right. Yeah. So that decision was like, that was the time I'm like, okay, I'm going to work hard to get re-vaptized. And I started to write in a journal like that day. I was planning on writing in the journal until I got baptized. And this part of my life was really, it kind of gets me going right now because when I go back to the journal like that's one of the more

depressing parts for me to look back because I saw how sad how hurt how like desperate I was of like like I don't have the holy ghost like how am I supposed to do this I'm going to go out of it alone like like I can't pray I can't I can't even talk in church right if I were to go like I can't participate so then it's like if somebody call like I'm worried the whole time like oh man somebody's going to call on me, I'm going to have to say, I'm sorry, I can't participate. Right? I'm excommunicated. I can't participate.

And my very first page, when I went back and looked at it, it was a, there was a book. It was from one of my at the time favorite prophets, right? Spencer W. Kimball was called the miracle of forgiveness. Very first thing I put in my, my journal. And it said, the person who is excommunicated loses his membership in the church and all attendant blessings. An excommunicant, as an excommunic. He's in a worse situation than he was before he joined the church.

He has lost the Holy Ghost, his priesthood, his endowments, his ceilings, his privileges, and his claim upon eternal life. This is about the saddest thing which could happen to an individual. Better that he suffer poverty, persecution, sickness, and even death. So then it goes on. It's, you know, as, you know, not having any of those, it says, it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God and especially already branded as an apostate or transgressor.

And so when you think about it, like the way that my mind has already been thinking has already been killing myself inside of being the worst person in the world. And then I read that it's better to, that I would, you know, better to die than be in the position that I'm in. like that really, that really, really hurt to go back and read that because then the entire time was like, I just want to be an instrument in God's hands. And then I can help show people that,

you know, no matter what you've done, God will forgive you if, right, if you do this thing. So it was, it was that whole, like, that's the only way I'm going to be able to be an instrument in his hands. And then I would mess up, right? You'd have to, you'd have to. like the rules to get back in the church was I had to be, I had to be completely clean from drugs, from any immorality, masturbation, anything, pornography for a full year. And I could not do it. And I would go and then I'd mess up.

And then I would get so depressed because I had messed up. Right. And then it would go right back to drugs. And I'm like, okay, what's the point? And each time it would just get worse and worse. But then I would have moments and experiences of like, no, you'd keep trying. Like, keep going.

You know, I had great people, you know, friends and things like that. But, you know, I was working with the bishop and, you know, I had moved in with a friend out of price, right? I moved back to Price from Houston. Wasn't a good place for me. Moved out again. And I met with the bishop to work on, you know, getting back in the church. And, you know, after talking to him about, like, some of the things I had done,

he he looked at me and he said well I suggest he's like it would be smart of you to to stay away from you know any females you know don't date any right now he's like but especially within our ward and it was like these are you know I consider them to be my daughters type stuff and like it was like I was a predator right yeah yeah and so like when I'm thinking about it now I'm like what in the world but when I read about it in my journal, I was like, yeah, that kind of hurt, but like he's right. Like, I am like, I'm not to be trusted. I was agreeing with it. Man, that makes me sad. So I'm agreeing with it. And that's just the constant, like, kind of battle of like,

okay, you do deserve this. You don't deserve this. Like, it's not about like being loved for, like, who I was. It was like how I was. I had to. It's like, if I had to, like, if I, don't do this, I don't deserve the blessings. I'm not worthy for love. I'm not worthy for any of those other things. And so finally, I kept making mistakes. I got to the point where, you know, I went on another meth spree. And I did some things in my mind that I thought I wouldn't have ever done in my entire life. I didn't think I could come back from. And so I just was like, okay, I'm I'm just going to, I'm going to run away, right? I'm going to take everything in a car.

I'm going to drive to California. I'll do whatever I have to do to get money, but like I don't want to hurt my family anymore because there'd be times where it's like Thanksgiving, you know, I had overdosed one time and I miraculously made my way to the hospital by myself. And they put me in a detox center and I had to call my mom that night. like it was early and calling and say, hey, I'm at a detox facility. I can't go to

Thanksgiving. Right? It would be those things where it would just be so many times and I'm like, I don't want to hurt them anymore. I don't. I'm just going to go. I don't want. Like, it's better. And we would talk on her bed and like argue

and of like how it's like it would be better for me if I committed suicide than to just keep hurting with. And I'm like, because don't you see that? like I can't stop right that was one of the things that like I would cry and be like why can't you stop like I wanted to stop so bad it didn't make any sense I didn't understand addiction it's like what the hell are you doing man like just stop and I couldn't and it was it was just breaking my heart to have to have those late night calls of like hey I'm in a psych or hey you know I I overdosed kind of

stuff. And so I put everything in my car and I'm on the way, but I drive through price, right? And price is just a bunch of plateaus, right? It's like deserty and plateaus. And so there's, you know, like a place that I'd go. I didn't go in the city. I just went and built a fire up on out in the hills. Just trying to, it was like, okay, I'm going to do it, right? Like having that conversation of right man this is this is just bad um but i ended up calling a friend and letting him know that i was there and while we were talking like it's just that voice came back again it's like go home like your parents like go home your parents will still accept you they still love you and so i did i went home it was rainy it was early in the morning my dad opened the door just hug

right just open arms like welcome home yeah and so you know i was like okay i'm gonna try i'm gonna try again and i don't do very well like living with them but at least i'm i didn't run away right right i get put on um a lot of it was you know colonipid like a lot of benzos um and then a lot of antidepressants right i was diagnosed with bipolar at the time because of all the disease so-called like manic crazy stages. And so it was just like, I'm all all drugged out on on those things. And I'm still just super, super depressed. The benzos were really bad. I hated where I worked. And I just would take those and take those and take those. But then it got so bad. I was like, I need to check myself into rehab. Like, I'm not going to tell anybody, you know, I've got insurance with this

company. Like, I'm just going to go and check myself into rehab. But I had also taken, it's called methadone. It's kind of similar to Suboxin as part of like the benzos. And because of that, I guess it's like a really like dangerous reaction. And a couple of the rehabs wouldn't take me, like my insurance and things, it wouldn't take me. And I found a rehab up in Ogden, Utah, where I had, or I live right up there now, but they would. So I, I drove. So I, I drove. up there completely just gone you know messed up I and like on on Benazp like on those things you just don't remember anything right so I drive the scary canyon all you know at night all by myself I hadn't ever been to Ogden but my

aunt had lived there but I start to see all of these city lights and there was all these signs that said Ogden and I didn't have I didn't have a GPS at the time and so I'm like I have no idea where I'm at and so I just called my aunt because, you know, she was pretty close with us too, and she was always one that just was cool, right? Yeah. 80s rocks. Like, she was like a little rebellious herself. But I told her about it.

And, you know, I had never been to her house, but somehow I was able to just drive right there. She took me to the hospital. They sent me back home because I was going to get into the rehab. They're like, come back in the morning. And when I came back in the morning, the doctors were like just pissed. It's like, dude. like coming off of benzos. Like there's only a couple of things like alcohol and benzos, right?

If you just completely stop it, like those, those will kill you, right? Those. And so they were really upset about that. But, you know, they took me in. I ended up staying with my aunt and going to rehab at that time. And then this is where, this is where, like, I think the good part started to finally happen. We're getting there, right? I just pause you right there for one second, Jake.

Like, first off, thank you for sharing that, man. That is a heart-wrenching story. But I think more than the adjective of heart-wrenching, I would say courageous. You know, when you bring up this idea of the prodigal son or when you talk about in the beginning of your story about going on your mission and then this idea of this thing eating at you and then you coming clean. like I see and I'm sure you do looking back on it like you know how much courage it takes to be getting away with something and then be like look I got I got to be honest with these people like you had you had this path of front you there's tons of people that had done what you did and never said anything maybe it eats them up maybe they have a grimlin because of it but I think it's important to know how strong you are to come clean

in the face of authority and stand up of authority and say I did this and I'm sorry like that takes so much courage to do. And I would, I would venture to say that 99.9% of the people will never do that. And I think that that's a strength. And I think you could even correlate that with the strength that the church gave. They gave you faith as a kid. They may have done some things that you don't agree with, but they instilled in you a faith that allowed you to never give up on yourself. So I could see why you love them. So I just wanted to stop and interject that right there. But now we can take off. Thank you for sharing that, man. It's beautiful. No, that actually means a lot too, because I still.

I mean, looking back, I'm like, okay, that's cool, but not necessarily of like that connection of like, like, dude, no, that is actually really cool. That's the foundation stone. Like, there's a famous quote that says the stone that the builder refuse will always be the head corner stone. And people that go through situations like this, there's you, you blew through all your support systems. I can't have that one. You burn that bridge, burn that bridge. You know what I mean? And still, when you burned away everything,

when you distilled Jake down to the very bare bones, now, only now can you build back something that can withstand the test of time. Only then is a hero born. Only once you go through the fires of hell, even if you don't believe in hell, once you go through these fires, you're tempered. You've lost everything.

What happens when you've got nothing left to lose? Well, then you're given the torch that can light the path to help other people, man. So carry on, my friend. Thank you for doing it. I love it. I love it. Okay. So I'm in this second rehab, right?

And during rehab, you do the 12 steps. And I had done the 12 steps. I was in the process of doing the 12 steps when I lived in the ward where I was the predator, right? And, you know, you have step four is you write a moral inventory of yourself. And it is like, it's like they want you to write everything. You're putting everything on the table. And so it's very like, you're in a very vulnerable state because then in step five, they want you to read that to somebody.

And so I'm like, okay, it makes sense. I'll read that to that bishop, right? Third page in, I look up and he's falling asleep. And I'm like, and I'm already not like wanting to do it. And I'm like, I'm like, I'm, I'm done. And he's like, oh, okay. I was like, yeah, I finished or whatnot. I say that because at this rehab, I do step four, right?

I ride everything else from the time that happened from that first rehab to there. And then it's time to read it to somebody. And I asked my aunt if I could read it to her bishop, right? She said she had a bishop. She's like, he's really cool. I was like, okay. And so I was like, I'll read it to him. And that dude literally was on the edge of his seat.

Just like listening. Like, it was like he cared. There was zero judgment. Like zero judgment. And he was just like, oh my gosh. Like tell me more. It's like, like acknowledging me, right? Validating me.

Yeah. Now I'm like, oh my gosh. Like, what is this? What is this guy? This is a bishop. Right? And so it was an amazing, amazing moment for me. Out of rehab, I went back to Price and it just, you have to move, right?

You have to get out of that situation. But during my time there, it was, you know, I started getting into drugs and everything again. But I had that thought. I'm like, dude, go ask Wendy, my aunt Wendy. I'm like, ask her if I can, like, I bet if I worked with that bishop, I bet I could get back in the church. I bet. Yeah. If I were to work for him, so I called her and she's like, yes, come move with this. Right. Like, I'm literally selling, I'm literally selling drugs. Like, hey, they know that I am. And they're like, they still were like, no, dude. Like,

we know that you're trying. Yeah. Come and stay with us. Right. Um, so I worked with him. And it took a long time, but like he got me. He got my mind. Right. It wasn't a, it wasn't a specific rule like okay you broke that rule so now this is it wasn't letter up the law with him it was the spirit of the law and he understood that and it like now i'm like why didn't it like can't you see somebody this i got i don't think anybody tried harder to live the gospel or even to believe in it than i did it's like but that was so impactful because it was like okay i know that you did something bad he's like when when people do something bad they're like right here he's like when you do something bad you're like way down here.

He's like, I'm not telling you to minimize the sin. Right. Right. I'm not telling you to minimize the sin. He's like, but you got to kind of minimize the sin, right? You kind of have to like, it's like, hey, I made a mistake. Right. So that really, really helped.

I was able to get rebaptized. You know, a lot of people in my life that had helped me get to that point, you know, they, you know, they came in support of me. It was a big moment, right? It was my, like, okay, I returned. um and like i was a little like i was excited about the return of like the gift of the holy ghost right because that was something that i didn't have right like that was something as as an excommunicated person like i didn't have that and when i got baptized i would get it again and after i was baptized like

i didn't feel much different right like i i i was and it was probably a lot of expectations but it was like, like, what in the world? Like, I don't feel that gift of the Holy Ghost. Like, I don't feel any different. And it was like, I just thought, okay, like, maybe, you know, you try to, like, make sense of it. But anyways, I don't go back on drugs, right? I've got a good community. I start to do well at work.

The scripture movies that I talked about as a little kid, I ended up going and working at that company. So I start doing really well. I became one of the sales managers, you know, after some time on the phones. And then, you know, short while after that, I became the sales trainer, right? The lead trainer. I'm still doing managing, doing the training. And then they wanted to open up an office about like an hour and a half away. And so they had me go open that office, right?

So, you know, I would drive about an hour and a half, like early in the morning. I'd go there. I did the hiring, the, you know, training, you know, hopping on calls, you know, doing a lot of those things, all of the admin work. And I would stay there to about like eight at night and would drive back. But I loved it, right? I was coaching. I was like teaching. I was like, I had a lot of energy. It was just, it was awesome. Yeah. You know, playing a lot of ping pong. A lot of those things. But then I just started getting like really tired, like really, really tired. I didn't know what was going on. I started, like, getting dizzy quite a bit.

I'm just like, okay, obviously I'm working. I'm doing a lot right now, so I just contributed it to that. I started getting, like, itchy legs. I had, like, some, like, dots were showing up on, like, they look like pimples on my, on my legs as well. And so it's kind of like weird things, you know, then I'd get a cold sore. And then when the cold tour would go away, one would come immediately back. I'm like, what in the heck's going on? then it would go away and then one morning i woke up with like three or four like all over my

lips and i was like all right i i should go get yeah and see what's wrong um went in got some blood work done um they sent me to the the pharmacy to pick up some uh prescription and before i got to the pharmacy i got a call from that doctor and said she suggests that i go see an oncologist they found some abnormalities um in my white blood my white blood cell account. So I go, I'm dating my partner, Kira, who I'm still with now at this point. And, you know, we go and get my blood drawn. It was like three days or so. After that, like, I got a phone call in the morning. I didn't recognize the number. So, of course, I didn't answer it. But then they called right back. I answered it. They said, hey, we've got your tests back. And they weren't going to

test for cancer. They had said, they were going to, they were testing for, like, like HIV, hepatitis, mono. And, you know, I was like, so we can rule cancer out. And they're like, well, yeah, I don't think it's a leukemia. But then the other doctor said something. He's like, okay, let's just order. It was called a blow, a blood flow semester test. So when I got there, they said we got the blow.

Like so, because I mean, after that, like, I was looking up all my symptoms and everything and like, like the tests. And like, I kind of thought, I was like, dude, I think I have leukemia. Right? Like, I just kind of like, yeah. going through all of those things. I'm like, I feel like I have leukemia. And so we're like, no, right? Like we're going through all of like, you know, if it were, if it were this, what are the survival rates and all of that. So there's some of the leukemia's, you know, because I was pretty

sad. I was like, dude, I don't have, I don't have HIV. I don't have hepatitis. It's like maybe mono. But I was like, I really think that. So we're going through those. And, you know there's a l which has like it's like a 68 percent survival right five-year survival rate and are like okay that's crap like there's not going to be any good diagnosis right okay it's like better than 50 percent then we went like then we saw a m. and it said 27 percent chance survival rate so i try to hurry and flick up like pretty quickly yeah and kira stops it and looks at it i'm like i probably don't have that one I thought look at that way. That's not the one that I have. So we get that call and they're like,

we need you to come up. You know, we got your results back. And I was like, okay, if it was like just mono or something, they probably would have told us to go up there. So we take the hour drive up. We're pretty scared. She's 20, I believe that, 19, 20 at this time. We'd only been dating for a few months. And we get there, they sit us down. And my younger sister had been phoma and they had known about that and the doctor sits us down and i don't know what it is but doctors like just they they just they let it like give it straight to you right where it was you know jake your results came back to the blood flow symmetry the sinistery and i was like oh my gosh so i kind of knew what it was and he's like can you have leukemia he's like i know that your sister had

the phoma this is nothing like it's like this is an aggressive cancer we're going to have to treat it aggressively and you'll have to start treatment tomorrow. And so like at that point, I don't know if you're seeing like on movies or whatnot, but like everything just was quiet except for in the distance of like the one-won, right, right, them saying that. And I'm just like, in my head, I'm like, what the, I was like, what the hell did he just say? And like, here it was crying, but I couldn't understand and they tried to give me the phone.

to try to give me the phone to talk to the hospital to give me some instructions of like you know what to expect and i i had to give it back and like can you guys email it to me as like i i can't understand what's going on and finally we get up to leave and when we leave i see everybody in the office and they're looking at me and i'm like i'm like man i wonder i'm like do they know what i just got told right like do they know that i just got until they got cancer so i'm i'm i'm not crying at this point because I'm still kind of stunned. You know, we get to my car. As soon as we close the door, we just like, we just cry, right? Just fall together. I tried to call my mom. And this is another thing of like, oh, great, I'm calling my mom. Yeah, right. For something.

Again. And she answered and she's like, hello? And I'm like, I couldn't say anything. I'm trying to, but I can't get it out. She's like, Jake, like, Jake, are you there? And I'm just like, it's like, I have leukemia. And I just started bawling again, couldn't talk. And on the way home, I was like trying to, like, height myself up. Like, dude, okay, like, you've gone through a lot. Like, you overcame addiction.

Like, you can do this. But then it was immediately, like, angry of like, dude, I overcome it. Like, I overcome it. Like, I overcame addiction. Like, why do I have to do this? Like, yeah. So I was like, you know, like that battle was like, man, like, but I didn't really have time. It's just like, hey, the next day's here.

Here's your treatment. So the regimen was, you know, the first week it's, you know, I think it was like five different types of chemo, but it was a 24-7. So I was getting pumped with chemo 24 hours a day for a week. After that, they had said it's like a 60 to 7. 70% you know, like people usually get in remission after that first round, but mine didn't. And so they had to do another round, so another week, right? So I was there about two months that first time. And because of that, is when they, you know, requested, like, you know, suggested that I do a bone marrow transplant.

And I was like, all right, I didn't really know, but you have to go in and like before, you agree to it, like they have to sit you down and explain everything. Like what it entails. So we went into this big conference room. My parents weren't able to come up so they like FaceTimeed in. And the doctor, Dr. Ash, she was this, she was brilliant. I had the, I had the greatest cancer doctors. She sits down and she's like, you know, we want to make sure that you understand what you're going to be going through. And she said that they're going to have to use, I think it was, I think it was three or maybe it was five or something. It was like three, high-high-dose chemotherapy drugs within like three days.

She's like, we're going to have to take it to the brink of death before we can put in, you know, those other stem cells to give you a chance of life again. And when she said the brink of death, I was like, whoa. I'm like, what? Right? That's so crazy. We're going to have to almost kill you, Jake. Yeah.

So you know, we're going to do. That's so crazy. Just so you know, we're going to try to kill you. He's like, people have been trying to do that my whole life. So I was like, okay. So they start talking about it. And like, at the end, I'm like,

I was like, what if I, because I was feeling good, right? Like I started to kind of recover from the two weeks off. I got to go home for Christmas. And they're like, well, if you don't do it, we feel there's around like a 75, 80% chance. it comes back. But if you do, feel like maybe it's more of like a 25% chance. It's like, all right, don't really have a choice, right? So we look for a donor in the registry

and I don't have a, I don't have a match. I don't have a match in the stem cell registry. So they started the thing where they, you know, test your family members. This is where my big family comes into play, right? Where I ended up having two sisters who were half matches to me that they just recently started to do half match transplants, right? Like that was the thing that they had been seeing a lot of success with. One of my sisters was pregnant, so my youngest sister, she ended up being the match that we used. So they take me to the brink of death, you know, destroy all the cells. and then they transplant hers in. Science is amazing.

I saw that you had, you know, they had the stem cell research guest just barely, where it was like my blood type changed. I have female DNA. I have a completely new immune system. It's seven years old. My sister, like, I'd always joke. I'm like, dude, I'm going to go rob a bank.

I'll cut myself. Leave your blood there. You get in trouble. And she's just like, well, I'll just tell them, like, look at me and look at you. And then, like, see who do they think it did it? I love her already. It's just crazy because it's like, man. But after that, like the first, this next two weeks, it was fevers of 105, like, just constantly.

So I was like, I was going delirious. Like that, the second half of my stay, the bone marrow transplant, was by far, like, the most difficult part. And the whole time, Kira is right there, staying at the hospital every night, just she's scared to death because we don't know what's going on. I kept having, like, everything kept going wrong too, right? I was having all these complications, us having allergic reactions, right? Like, quoting, you know, going to anaphylactic shock and like scary, serious stuff. And she's there, you know, she's there that entire time, at least.

And this is where the caregiver side comes in for me of like my family went through it with my addiction. Kira went through it. I was getting all of the attention. Like all of the attention. Jake needs to help. Jake, but they're going through it.

And so that's kind of where I was, I felt a lot of understanding on that side of like, oh my gosh, I was just trying to like stay awake, right? Like, I'm not really experiencing like what they are. So after that, though, I get, I have to stay with a caregiver 24-7.

Kira is my caregiver. Couldn't leave the house. And during this time, this is when I just read. I read a lot. I started reading. I found it's called a CES letter. It's a letter that somebody did that was part of the church that had written to one of the leaders asking a bunch of questions about church history. And when I started reading it, and they're, like, we're taught not to look at anything, any literature outside of the church, because it's considered anti-Mormon literature. And so if you read something, you have to make sure that it's

church approved right to make sure that it's like legit so I had known that and I'm reading this stuff and it was things that I had no idea about there was like I'd been a member for my entire life and none of that stuff was being talked about and you know some of the things about like Joseph Smith and like polygamy and things that it was just like no that didn't happen but it was at a time when they call it like the Joseph Smith myth papers came out, like the church actually had those came out with that information there, right? With the internet, it's kind of hard to hide things. And so because of that, that's kind of when that came out. And so then it was like confirming, I'm like, wait a minute, like, why wasn't

I told that, right? Like, people would get upset that, you know, he translated the scriptures out of a hat. Like, they didn't teach us that, like, you know, growing up. We were taught that he translated the book of Mormon, you know, through the plates. And I'm like, in my head, I wasn't like, that's weird because I'm like, dude, just the thought of like God appearing to him and him translating that. Like, that's pretty intense. Like, that's really out there. Like, why didn't they just tell me the real story? Because that faith and that belief would have still been there. And then it was just really on like, you know, and I won't go in like too much detail, but it was something that had happened with Joseph and his wife that.

It was like, I just lost all trust, like all trust. Like I felt betrayed. I felt just like I felt sick to my stomach because it didn't make sense why we weren't telling this stuff. Like, what are we hiding? And then, you know, like trust is just, you know, once that's gone. But George, all of that stuff leading up to that, like, it was not like my faith crisis that I have experienced at this time. was by far harder than all of that because I just spent 11 years trying to get back to the church. Yeah.

Right. Like, and to, to read it and, like, then to find out that it was true and, you know, asking questions, like, we're taught to, you know, doubt the doubts. Like, before you doubt the church, you know, doubt your doubts. And so, like, there's just that battle of, like, what is going on? but during this time Kira who is man she's like the most spiritual person ever without even realizing it she's always like 10 steps ahead

but like she was having these lucid dreams that she was trying to make sense of and she brought home a book Ayahuasca soul medicine of the Amazon jungle Javier Reguero like just randomly right so we start reading that and it's talking about the healing

the healing power of ayahuasca and like how it was healing people with addiction and like you know like depression and like all of the amazing things. And I was like, what, what is going on? Because one of the hardest things for me was the loss of spirituality. Right. If the church wasn't true, why was I getting answers to my prayers?

If the church wasn't true, why would I be praying for something and find answers in the scriptures? Who do I pray to? Who am I praying to now? Like, I don't. And that was such a huge part. like such a huge part and you know learning about these things you know obviously we weren't able to go to Peru and you know have have a have an ayahuasca experience but it was planting the seed right

planted the seed to have that idea that there are some things that actually can help with that and then it got to the point where I had you know my experience with psilocybin that and I had done it when I was, you know, recreationally. Sure. And it was like, cool. I had never done it in a, like, with intent. I never did it with. So true. With anything besides. Like, I wanted to do what it was telling me it could do. Right. I wanted it to, like, this is from the earth. Like, this is, this is something that's connecting. I'm like, I want to do it that way. And it's crazy because I did try it and I had a really like healing experience and connecting, but it wasn't until

just barely working with Amanda, realizing that I had trauma within myself that was just eating me up. And it was about a month and a half or two months ago that I decided like I'm going to do a hero dose. I'm going to sit in my room. I'm going to meditate. I'm going to have the intention. I want to connect. I want to go. I want to give up, not give up. I want to release. I want to say, hey, take me.

I know that this is a thing. And it was amazing because I visited every, I saw myself in front of everybody that meant a lot to me, all of my family members, as if I was right there in the room. We, there was not like, it was just we looked at each other and there was no words right no words at all being spoken but man they understood me so i cannot tell you of like how much because all i wanted to know

all i wanted them to know was like i'm not a bad person like i didn't leave the church because i couldn't live its teachings or i wanted to go a different way like like i wanted them to know how much pain I was feeling, right? And it got to a point where it was like, we understand you. Like it was my mom and grandma that I specifically remember. And those two had both, they've talked about like they've never questioned the church, right? They've never had doubts. Yeah.

Right? And so it was when I was like, it kind of peeled everything off of like I didn't see my Mormon mom. I didn't see my Mormon grandma. I didn't see my earthly mom. I didn't see my earthly grandma. Like my divine light within me was speaking and connecting to their divine life in them. Right. And it was, it was a, it was me.

They were me. I was them. It was that connection. Yeah. Dude, you don't, like, you don't need to ask us for forgiveness. Right? right like it was they were seeing me as me they completely understood and and uh i just started to ball right i cried harder than i had ever cried in my life longer than i had ever cried and when i had

come out it was like all of that shame and guilt was just like it was a lifetime worth of therapy of like it was understanding i came out with a thought of connection that i had never thought of before i was so excited because that was the most spiritual, because I understood myself, right? Dr. Gabon-Mate talks about, like, that's part of trauma is the loss of self, right? And that loss of self,

when they talk about addiction, the opposite of addiction, it's not sobriety, it's connection. Right? And so those things are all coming together, and I'm like, oh my gosh, like, that plant, it's, I mean, you've done it.

It's so hard to put into words of like how strong that feeling was, how much that changed in my mind, how much of a like, oh my gosh, like everybody's the same as me, no matter what anybody else does, right? Like that's just their ego, them. They're the other person, like the divine light and them, right? I feel like when we when we leave this earth, whatever, we connect back to those divine lights and like people that had made like that we needed to make amends with. It's just like, no, man, that was like, that was my earth life. This is, you know, this is that pure and perfect life. And that was so beautiful. And that's, like I said, it was just happened.

I found out that people actually do like integration coaching because the thing is, it's like, okay, you have that experience. Now what do you do with it? Everything was aligning up with I've already been doing with coaching. Coaching, you're not telling people what to do, right? coaching is not giving advice it's empowering somebody to find that line in them right it's empowering them it's you know the patterns it's like we only think one way right we think of the way that we perceive things a coach is there to help ask those other questions like what other options might there be right

because there's tons of different options and and when we're able to find out who we are like that's literally when that purpose comes in we have so many people that don't have purpose because because we're disconnected from who we are. And that's that powerful part of like, dude, if you can help people, these plant medicines help people do that, then it's like, okay, now, like, what's better to have somebody by your side?

Completely no judgment. You make a mistake. Dude, cool, what happened? Let's go, let's dig a little bit deeper. Because maybe that wasn't the goal that we should have went after, right? Like maybe it was something else. And so it's like, oh, man, I feel safe to be myself.

I feel safe to be vulnerable. You know, having the vulnerability. That's, it's Latin word for, to wound, right? Right. So it makes us to be vulnerable and we heal from those wounds. And I just got so excited about all of this and finding out there's coaching. And I'm like, I don't know anything about it. So I'm just going to reach out to everybody that I started adding everybody on LinkedIn, reaching out.

I talked to Kristen. She connected me to you, connected me to Rand, Hanson, who I know. Right. Yeah, who you've had. Phenomenal individual. Yeah. And I'm just like, this is the greatest thing I've ever found. And I don't know. I'm just stepping into this community. But it's like find your tribe, right? We all have a tribe. Not everybody's going to get excited about things for you. But like that's not your tribe. But if you're not like yourself, how are you going to find your people? Right. So well said. So that's kind of, I mean, I know it was long. It was crazy. But man, that's why I'm so grateful to. that have found you listening to your podcast, like the work, the studies that has done.

So now it's like, dude, it shouldn't even be put in the same category as a drug, right? Like, let's completely change our mind because we struggle with, we have a mental health crisis. We have an opioid crisis. We have, but we have medicine that helps with that, George. Like, we legit have something that helps, that's safe, that's something that's connected, that inspires people to look outside of their own patterns. Like, that is exciting. And that's why I was like, once I started watching your stuff,

I was so, like, I'm honored to be here because I'm like, dude, this is, this is what I want to do. So I'm not there yet. The coaching is that. But like, man, I, I'm just, I'm just excited, you know, with the possibilities, honestly. Yeah. You know, I'm a big fan of mythology. I'm a big fan of spirituality.

and the older I get, the more things that happened in my life makes sense to me. And they begin to line up in ways that you never thought possible. And the truth is, you know, you have a story that is written in the stars, not in the sand. And the truth is, if I came to you and said, hey, Jake, I want you to become one of the greatest teacher as possible out there. But in order to do that, I'm going to rip everything from you. I'm going to tear away your spirituality. I'm going to tear away your family. I'm going to make them hate you. You'd be like, get the hell out of here, you know, I don't want any of that. No, no, it's going to be great. You're going to smoke a bunch of meth. You're going to walk around

town like a crackhead. It's going to be awesome. You'd be like, dude, I want no part of this. And I think this is my belief. And I honestly believe that this place we're at is a spiritual classroom and people are given opportunities to be here and maybe it's a pact that happens before we come here. I don't thoroughly understand how we get here, but I know without a doubt by reading mythology, by talking to people like Rick Strauss, by talking to people like Dr. Jessica that it's bigger than we can imagine. And all these things that happened to us, especially the traumatic events, are lessons that were being taught so that later in life, we can become the teacher of those lessons.

And none of us would choose to go through trauma. None of us would choose to have these things happen to us. But it's like this tempering fire that you're forced to walk through so that you can become your authentic self. And I love you, man. I'm so thankful that you're able to share these stories because only, and don't get me wrong, I think that modern medicine has done so much for people. And it's gotten to this point where we are now.

And I'm so thankful that there's beautiful doctors out there that give their lives to help people. But I think what we're seeing emerge now is this sort of second pillar. We're reintroducing spirituality to medicine. And I think the people that can best help people in trauma are people that have been through those traumas themselves. And in modern medicine today, you know, the guy that gave you those suboxidine or the guy that gives you methadone, that guy didn't take methadone. He doesn't, he knows, he probably cares a lot about. people and he knows what the pharmaceutical companies have told him it does and he's read the studies. But he hasn't been on it.

He hasn't been on the adventure. And so if there's a young Jake or a young George or a young Kristen out there or there's someone that's suffering, the person that can really help them the most is the person that has walked down that road. And in a weird way, when you think about hiking, new trails are sometimes created. And those are called trailblazers. Jake, and that's what you are, my friend. I love you.

I'm so stoked that you've had the courage to do. it. I'm so stoked that your parents opened you back with open arms when times were tough. I'm so stoked about your aunt. I'm so stoked that the teachers were there when the real teachers showed up when you needed them. And the ones that may not have been real teachers were maybe falling asleep when you were trying to ask for help. And like those are all lessons that you're going to carry with you forever. When you, when some kid comes to you and you sit on the edge of your seat and that kid sees in you the light. Like those are all gifts, my friend. They're all gifts. And it's no, like, I get it. I get why Kristen was like, George, this is the guy. George, George, George, listen, this is the guy. They talk to him. I get it now. And I'm thankful for that.

So if we just move on a little bit from there, like, how do you think you can use some of these tools, some of these lessons that you were taught to help other people? Yeah. So I love that you had brought all those up too because like Greek mythology, the figure Cairo, I like he's in astrology is known as the wounded healer right and I just resonated with him from the moment I heard about him right because it was like then there's this quote that I had actually written down like only when we have descended into the depths of our own shadows can we show up fully for someone else as they navigate their own darkness right that's what

I want to do George like that's what I want to be there when like like I wouldn't say I'm comfortable there. But like, I know that, like, I'm not afraid to go down there. And that's where that, like, the psychedelic experience of like, no, I'm going to, I'm going to come at this curious, right? And I think that's what I want to do is I want to be able to give someone the safe space to be authentic, right? Like the greatest enjoyment I feel like in life would just be to be able to express our true selves in whatever we do. That's what I keep telling. Kira, I'm like, dude, I want to be the same person in every sense. I want to be weird. I want to be. like laugh i want to do that like i don't want to have that mask of wherever i'm at and what i want to do

is and what i do get to do and that's what the cool part about with coaching right yeah is you're offering that same that safe spot because it's it's difficult to to navigate through this life and a coach is just a partner right a coach is i had done it my entire life but i didn't have different skills like coaching skills like that's why i went to to go get trained that's why i went to do those things and it's so exciting because because then you partner with that other person, right? And regardless of what it is, right, I know that I'm going to be able to relate to, you know, people going through cancer, addiction, depression, faith crisis, all of those things.

But everybody struggles, everybody has a difficult time connecting with themselves to be their true authentic self. And I know that there's a ton of coach, a lot of life coaches out there, right? A lot of life coaches, a lot of life gurus. I'm not looking to be a guru. I'm not, I'm not looking to, to do any of that.

Like, I keep thinking, I'm like, there's no way I went through all that I went through just to, like, not do anything with it, right? And so it's just like, what am I waiting for instead of a fear of like,

you know, because sometimes I would go like, okay, I shouldn't be afraid because I went through cancer. But that was still like a fear. Like, okay, like I shouldn't be afraid because now I know who I am.

Yeah. And that. That's what that power of coaching. That's what that power of mentoring. That's what that power comes from of like, hey, let's figure out who you are. You know, and then let's put together a plan. Let's put together an accountability system because if, you know, you get all these good ideas, it's like you could go to a conference and be like, oh, that was awesome or have that psychedelic

experience. But then you do nothing with it and you lose that. That's why that coach is there to help like, you know, hey, how'd you do? And like I said, it's completely judgment free, which is a. huge thing because I didn't like getting in trouble, right? And sometimes you think like, oh, man, I'm going to be held accountable. But the cool thing is, it's not, it's not that way. And so it's exciting to have those. And that's where I feel like my experience coming from where I've been, you know, like I, I know that I'll be able to speak to people, right? I'll have

the speaking engagements and, and do that, like, you know, motivation on that side. But I don't want my story to take over any of like the truth, right? Because when I die, that's just my story. And some people could be like, well, he did it, but like, he's kind of an anomaly. But it's not, right? Like there are true principles, right? There are universal truths. And there are things that we can do. And everybody has the ability to connect with themselves. And so that's where that power is. of like, okay, I'm going to dedicate my life to try to help people connect with themselves. Because then once we can do that, then, all right, now let's tackle. What do you want to do?

Right? What are your core values? Are we living with that? Because when we're not in our core values, like, man, that disconnect. We can feel that we're pushed aside to, you know, back and forth. So, like, that's the thing. It's like, okay, what goals can we set? You know, what questions can we ask ourselves?

Like I said, before I got on here. That's a great one. Yeah. Before I even got on here, I was nervous. But then, you know, I have the disciplines. It's like, yeah. Okay, be aware. Am I aware?

Am I accepting? You know, what kind of conscious choice am I making? Like, is that even true of what I'm thinking? And I went down those things. I'm like, dude, I'm thinking of like a, oh, this to be successful, this has to be the result. A mastery mindset is I'm guaranteed to succeed because I'm going in and I'm going to learn something. Results aren't going to be a part of that. And I know that's kind of hard for a lot of

people. Like, I want results. I want results. Right. And that's kind of the idea. But it's like, that's not how life works. That is not how life works because those results. Right. Like those, we don't have any control over that. Right. And so that's the kind of teaching of like that. How do we think that way? That it's the process. How do we think about what values are important to us? Because then when everybody else is talking, it's like, dude, you can feel really good because you stuck to your values. Vulnerability is a big value of mine, right? And literally, that's what I kept saying. I'm like, I'm being true to that value. And so I can, I can, after we get off, I'm going to sit. And I hadn't done this for a long time, but I'm going to sit with myself. And I'm going to be proud of myself. Yeah. Right? Yeah. That's, I think that's a huge part of the growth. And I think everybody needs to do that. And that's where I see that my life, experiences can can really resonate on that level. Yeah, I, you know, I've, I've been speaking with a lot of people, and it seems to me,

and I'm curious to get your opinion on this. I see this world emerging where the way we make the world better is by each individual becoming the best, the best version of themselves. And when you, when you do that, when you become the best version of yourself, Adam Tapp had a great quote. He says, look, George, when you become the best version of yourself, it's like there's this giant bucket of murky water. Every person that becomes the best version of themselves is a drop of bleach.

And every little drop of bleach goes into that murky water. And all of a sudden, you know, it's contagious. And the bleach comes out. And then all of a sudden it starts clearing up. That's one way to look at it. Another way to look at it is every time you become the, every one of us is like a pebble. And when we become the best version of ourselves, we're thrown into the pond, like this pure pebble. And then those little ripples, you know, radiate outwards.

And it catches people. And it moves them into the world. becoming the best version of themselves. And, you know, I think that when you do distill yourself down to what is important. And what's important to me, what is the best version of myself isn't the best version of you. What's the best version of you? Isn't the best version of Kristen. And all of us together becoming the best version of ourselves is, I feel like we're on the front lines of helping people.

And it's so rewarding. And when you say you're going to sit with yourself and be proud of the story you told and being vulnerable and being true to yourself. Like, it's so powerful, man. And I'm so thankful that you're out there and doing the things you're doing and reaching out to people. And I think people are responding. I mean, I see people, you're the podcast blowing up. I see the connections you're making.

I don't think you would be even connected to the people you were unless you would become the person you are. Does that kind of make sense? Yeah. One thing I've always thought, too, of like, we do worry about the exterior things, you know, when you've got politics and things like that. How do we, it's like we make ourselves better because there's influence, right? We influence people. And when we're the best version of ourselves, Kobe Bryant was asked like what his definition

of greatness was, right? And he talked about, you know, the ability to inspire somebody who will then inspire somebody else. Right. So when he leaves, like he's inspiring somebody to be better. And what that does, it's not an arrogant better. It's like, oh, I'm inspiring to be better. So guess what I'm going to do? right yeah that's where it is it's a it's a collective when you're but that's also too when you

peel back the egos we're that same like ah i am you you are me yeah those connections like that's what it's about is is our tribe is our connecting and so when you do improve yourself you're opening up that connection and you are influencing people you're spot on you're spot on with that yeah it's it's i'm so fascinated to hear about that experience that you had where you know you you you see the connections and for me too you know some of the biggest mind mind altering mind expanding growth limit growth allowing experiences were this idea that oh my god I am them everything I see in them everything I see in it like the good things the bad things and like that's scary for me that was really scary for me when I when I realized these things that I hated

about other people I didn't hate those other people those things I hated those things about And then I was like, oh my God, they're showing me what I hate about myself. Yeah. Whoa. And then you got to go and apologize to people for being kind of a punk. But that's part of it too. It's like, hey, man, thank you for showing me this thing about myself that I'm lacking in, man. And I'm trying to work on it.

I just want to say sorry for projecting it on you. And, you know, like, it just on some level, you're like, oh, that's it. And then you realize the amount of work you have to do now, you know? that's one of the funny like that was a hard lesson because they taught about that in my my coaching course it's like higher conscious understanding whatever it's like what we see in them we also have enough and it's like no but you think about like serial killers it's like I don't have that in me or anything but then like as you do the coaching and like you'll have these moments come up and you ask it's like hey you know like you know what is it in them is bothering you and then when do

you show that quality of thing yourself. And then you're like, oh, my gosh, oh my gosh. And then it's like, it's a self-compassion too. Yeah. Right? Because it's like, oh, I do that. I'm sorry. But it's like, dude, okay.

Like, let's work on that. Yeah. Yeah. It's so awesome, man. I'm really excited. And I got to tell you that I, I wasn't sure what your story was exactly. but it's it's one of the best stories that I have ever heard and I'm so thankful that you got to share it here with me and I'm thankful for your time and before I let you go though Jake what do you have coming up and where can people find you and what are you excited about yeah so I am right now you can find me I'm working on my website still so you can find me on LinkedIn I do have a Facebook but it's just kind of a personal one so LinkedIn would be the best and we can put these in the show notes and not but you know we, you know, people can feel free to have it and, uh, and, uh, like connection call, right?

Just to kind of see if this is something that they like that we, um, that we would work well together, right? If they weren't to coached, it's kind of a, um, let's see if there's synergy there. So they could reach out to, you know, coaching at life beyond the brink.com. Um, you know, email me there. But again, that's, that's where I'm, that's where you can find me as far as like what I'm excited for, and I am just excited to be growing my, not my network, but my connections, right, growing my coaching business, my coaching practice, you know, speaking engagements. So I'm really excited about that. I'm working really hard on getting all of those things together. And yeah, I'm just going to keep connecting with people, keep curious.

Yeah. I love the community that you have welcomed me into and I'm here to stay. Yeah. Without a doubt, you're a huge part of it, man, and I'm really thankful. So for everybody watching, check out the link down there. Reach out to Jake. If you found that his story connected with you and you want to reach out to him, reach out to him. He's listening to people.

He's doing connect calls. I highly recommend it because I think anybody listen to this can see the passion in his eyes and he's a passionate person. But more than that, he wants to make you and himself have a better connection in the world better. So ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening to us. That's all we got for today. Jake, hang on one second. I'm going to close out, but I want to talk to you. Aloha, everybody.