TrueLife - Marissa Kosolofski - Every Breath You Take

Episode Date: December 14, 2023

One on One Video Call W/George https://tidycal.com/georgepmonty/60-minute-meetingSupport the show:https://www.paypal.me/Truelifepodcast?locale.x=en_US🚨🚨Curious about the future of psychedelics? Imagine if Alan Watts started a secret society with Ram Dass and Hunter S. Thompson… now open the door. Use Promocode TRUELIFE for Get 25% off monthly or 30% off the annual plan For the first yearhttps://www.district216.com/Introducing Marissa, a dedicated professional with a passion for creating profound connections that elevate the human experience and uncover magic in everyday moments. With over two decades in the beauty industry, Marissa’s journey began behind the chair as a hairstylist, where her commitment to helping people feel beautiful about themselves flourished. Scaling her impact, she eventually led North America Education for Wella Professionals, the world’s #1 professional color brand, during 15 years in corporate culture management with global beauty brands P&G and Coty.Life took an unexpected turn when Marissa received a “Burnout” diagnosis in 2017, prompting a transformative shift from focusing on external beauty to nurturing beauty from within. Embracing a new career direction, she passionately explores healing and wellness modalities, firmly believing in the uniqueness of each individual’s journey to well-being. Marissa is here to guide you through stress reduction, foster meaningful connections, and help you embrace the fullness of BE-ing alive. Ready to embark on a journey of self-discovery? Reach out to Marissa and let the exploration begin!http://linkedin.com/in/marissakosolofskihttps://www.thegoldenthreadstudio.com/ One on One Video call W/George https://tidycal.com/georgepmonty/60-minute-meetingSupport the show:https://www.paypal.me/Truelifepodcast?locale.x=en_USCheck out our YouTube:https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPzfOaFtA1hF8UhnuvOQnTgKcIYPI9Ni9&si=Jgg9ATGwzhzdmjkg

Darkness struck, a gut-punched theft, Sun ripped away, her health bereft. I roar at the void. This ain't just fate, a cosmic scam I spit my hate. The games rigged tight, shadows deal, blood on their hands, I'll never kneel. Yet in the rage, a crack ignites, occulted sparks cut through the nights. The scars my key, hermetic and stark. To see, to rise, I hunt in the dark, fumbling, fear. Heiress through ruins maze, lights my war cry, born from the blaze.

The poem is Angels with Rifles. The track, I Am Sorrow, I Am Lust by Codex Seraphini. Check out the entire song at the end of the cast. Ladies and gentlemen, I hope your week is going beautiful. I hope that you're in the arms, the person you love or you woke up with someone with whom you've always desired. always desired. I hope the sun is shining. I hope the birds are singing and I hope the wind is at your back. I got an incredible show for you today. I'm going to get into some interesting topics, just about healing and nature and psychedelics and all kinds of interesting ways in which one can

begin to see the world anew. I have with me the one and only Marissa Kosolowski. I hope I pronounced that right. I should have asked you before I introduced you. I hear when I do that. She's a psychedelic advocate, community builder, and the creatrix of the Golden Thread Studio, an online wellness studio specializing in breath of work journeys and self-care practices. Her mission to create connection such, her mission is to create connection, such that people are present to the beauty of the human experience and the magic of everyday moments. It was born from her own psychedelic-assisted transformation. I'm going to get into it today. Marissa, thank you for being here. I appreciate it. Thank you, George. I'm super stoked to be here with your community. But just really, you know, share the story and share the vision.

You know, Randall Hansen, I think, is probably the catalyst that brought us here today with his book Heel. And so I think both of you, I don't have my hard copy version yet. Canada Post. Oh, that's perfect. Right here, Randall, we got you, buddy. Canada Post is being pokey puppies. They're pretty notorious. So a lot of our friends and family will send us from the States will send us Christmas cards. I don't get them until January. Yeah.

So I'm looking forward to getting my book and being able to hear and read about all the other contributors. I've been catching some of the stories from your interviews and they've been really beautiful. I'm excited to be able to be part of this group. Yeah. There's something incredible about all the people that have taken part in this. And I think that this is a, it's sort of a snapshot of a bigger community because even though we're all together and we got to tell our story with Randall and all this community, I think everyone is, is either about to be on a journey, in a journey, or coming out of a journey.

And I do love this group and everybody I've spoken to and everybody's story that I've read has been incredibly passionate. But we could talk a lot about other people. Let's talk about you, Marissa. Like, what do you want to start at? You want to start out with the transformational journey? You want to talk about like who you were before you became who you are? What do you want to start at?

Yeah. Well, I think, you know, when we when we kind of like look at those journeys, starting out, I was working in corporate America. I was working for a global beauty company. I was leading North America. So I was a senior manager. And I took the. I took the role really serious.

Like when I think about who I was back then and who I am now, there's definitely, there's definitely aspects of her still alive and well, trust me. But just like, you know, you look at these societal constructs of being a firstborn. And having these kinds of like conditioning presented upon you in such a way where I was really, stuck. I was really stuck. And at that time, it would have been about 2017. And there was a series

of life events that really put me in a spot of burnout in such a way where I was showing up at the office at 7.30 in the morning. I would eat through my lunch. I wouldn't take breaks. just a lot of seeking that kind of external validation and worthiness based on emails, awards, you know, rankings, like all that kind of stuff, right? And then one day my boss was murdered. And that really put things into a screen. like literally a screaming halt. Time kind of stood still there for a period of time.

And I got really present to the fact that you don't know if tomorrow's going to come. Like you literally don't know. And he was an incredible leader within the beauty industry. And it really halted our community. And it halted our community in such. away, but then eventually the business had to go on. And there was one moment in one of our meetings where I looked around and I just, I thought to myself, you know, if I walked out in front of a bus and got off today, everybody would feel really bad. It would be the talk of the office.

We would have a luncheon. Everybody would go to my funeral. And then eventually, we still need to to deliver the numbers for the shareholders. However, my husband and my son and my loved ones, my nearest and dearest, this would affect them for the rest of their lives. And who am I being for those people right now? Like when I pulled back and looked at the ROI of my time, like, it makes me like kind of gaggy to like think like that's how I was like, that's how I was relating. to life at that time, I gave them my worst parts. I would show up. I would move through the

bedtime process with my son only to get through it so I could get back behind my laptop and fire off emails until 10 o'clock at night. And it was this endless cycle and like propping, you know, propping yourself up with a glass of wine because it's like nighttime and you're like, oh, well, I want to relax. And. you know you almost kind of like wonder what you're doing this all for you know um anxiety was high at that time i wasn't taking care of myself not really eating properly and if i was it was just like on the go so it wasn't really mindful not exercising not moving my body i might have moved my body from one office room to the other and then one day um i got invited by some friends of mine some customers and

And, you know, artists, beautiful artists. And I think that was the thing was I managed artists. And there was always like that part of me that was like, like I got to that spot within the community, within the industry, because I started out as an artist. But one of the things that I was really good at was translating. So I could translate the language of the artist to the language of corporate. So essentially being able to be in these C-suite meetings and speak on behalf of the hairdresser and speak on behalf of the artists and then take that communication and then come back from the C-suite and speak to the artists in a way that was meaningful and landed for them. But as I climbed to the corporate ladder, I started to really like lose all that. I lost what I lost what brought me joy, which is art and the act of creation, right?

And so I got invited to Burning Man. And, you know, I said, I was like, well, what the hell? Let's go. And so I went with my husband. And it's like a whole different world, man. It's there's all these memes. You'll see these memes on the internet about people who get started talking about Burning man.

And like, that's me. You just don't, you kind of don't shut up. So you have to like watch yourself because you start kind of looking like a weirdo. But I think when I go back to that time, like there's all these different aspects. So it's like this, it's this community, about 75,000 people, art, spirituality, mother nature, you're off the grid. And so one of the one of the things that like was the catalyst for my transformation was I remember riding my bike. And all of a sudden, and it was midday. It was about two o'clock in the afternoon. And I remember thinking to myself or all of a sudden I heard this voice. And it was almost like separate. And it was like, well, fancy meeting you here. And it was

kind of like had this like cheeky charge to it. And I remember kind of like looking around and being like, whoa, who's there? But we're on bikes and we're like cruising full tilt. And I kind of was like, was that me? Like what's what's going down here? Right. And I'm like, well, I can be here. I can be having fun, like kind of thinking. And it was almost like this like dual conversation started to happen. I'm like, well, I can be here too. And it's like, please. you're so straight and stuck you don't even know how to have a good time if it like bonked you on the head type of a deal and i remember thinking like kind of like taken aback a little bit by it and the voice was like i could teach you how to have fun if you just let me and it was like right then i dropped into

this knowing that i was almost speaking to like my inner child this playful entity that had gotten lost long, long ago. And if you can imagine, like, kind of like on a swing, twisting like this and just kind of like, whatever, old lady, you don't go wrong here, kind of a thing, right? Yeah, totally. And I just remember, like, as I was like right before she arrived, right before that voice arrived, I remember just feeling this tremendous. sense of freedom, this tremendous sense of joy and adventure and wonder and awe and all of these

emotional states that I hadn't accessed since I don't even know when. And, you know, having that interaction, I promised myself, like, I would start taking better care of myself. And I'm like, okay well let's go you say you want to show me how to have a good time let's rock and roll when we go back home you show me how to have a good time and so there's this conversation about like the default world when you go back to the default world after burning man you're never going to be the same and i wasn't i think one of the things that was a little bit tricky was um you know i was a mom i had a two-year-old son. Everyone around me was in corporate. I had maybe a handful of people who I had participated in Burning Man with, but there really wasn't anybody that I could share this experience with where I wasn't

worried about either like losing my child or losing my job. You know what I mean? You think about psychedelics where it was and where we are today, like in 2017, like how fast things have dimensionalized and like there's more awareness, there's more conversation, an allowance for the conversation of psychedelics. But at the time, I was like, what the hell happened? And there was so much more about Burning Man that really, that really struck me, whether it was the art, whether it was Mother Nature, whether it's just being like off the grid. But being able to kind of sit there and be like, how can I be in that state of joy more often and for longer periods of time? So it was almost showed up as like my North Star. And then when we returned to the default world, I guess you

could say. Yeah. I didn't realize like how poorly I had like how I didn't know how to take care of myself until it was just like so awkward, right? I'm like, well, how do I, what even makes me happy? you know and it kind of like I look back on that and I feel so I kind of feel a little bit sad about it but um you know you start out with like small things like whether it was like journaling or starting to take breaks I know that sounds so miserable but just like putting a reminder on my phone and I would go out and I'd take my heels off and I'd stand on the grass on like one of the one of a pretty decently busy street in Los Angeles. And I'd be standing out there in this corporate business suit,

barefoot, for five minutes. I give myself five minutes, try to ground, breathe, and do these like little meditation exercises. And slowly and surely, I started being able to kind of like stack. So when I think about Randall's book,

I think he's got some other things in there, like somatic body work. So I started taking myself to yoga. and just kind of like really learning how to be in my body. I know there's a whole bunch of other different ways that we could go in this conversation. So I just wanted to take a moment and see if you have any questions before we go. Yeah. So when I think of people, an individual, having an incredible experience through psychedelics.

be it through breathwork or be it through a substance or nature or, you know, any one of these modalities. On some level, especially for Gen Xers like us, it seems to me that you found the beginning of the second mountain where life has become more meaningful and you're no longer interested in doing things that are meaning less. And I'm curious, you've spoken a little bit about coming back to the default net. You know, I always say the default mode network, which is like the default world, people are going along the way in which they've always lived in sort of this same style of mundane

life, blah-da-da-da-da-da, all that. But when you begin to have this new experience, it's like all your relationships around you changed. And you said, you know, I was a mom. I was a mom. When you came back, you were still a mom, but a different kind of mom. I'm wondering if you can like, if maybe you can explain to some of the listeners, maybe, like, what happened to your relationships, to your relationship to yourself and the way in which

you relate to your environment and everyone that. was in your life. Yeah. Great question. So I returned and my heart was blown wide open. What does that mean? Tell me what that means. I'm with you.

I know exactly what it is. But I love you to put it into words. I know. Now I'm feeling, which was kind of a pain in the ass. Love it. Love it. Now I'm feeling. And I'm feeling like corporate culture, which is a lot of times based on more, doing more and not necessarily like it's like this drive. And for someone who has like who's,

who has an anxious tendencies and is highly driven, I would get a lot of reward in that space. You know, I would get a lot of very positive feedback. People love it when you're like trying to deliver and produce more and achieve, right? Yeah. And then now all of a sudden you come back and like I remember being so struck one time on the playa like just waking up or not waking up but just kind of, I guess, waking up. Sure. It's like 6 a.m. sunrise and I look, I remember just like looking around. And who knows when anybody had their last shower.

Everybody, you know, it's like a hot mess out there. We're dancing. It's 6 a.m. Everyone's dusty. And I just remember being so struck by how beautiful people were. And it was just more or less like the energy. And you couldn't tell people's like social constructs of like who they were in the world. like if they were a somebody as per what society would say in terms of like their financial income,

their job, whatever, we're wearing all these like crazy self-expressed outfits. So like you could like kind of be whoever you wanted to be. And so like who do you want to be there? And now we're, now I'm back in this, this other world. And when you've been a yes girl your whole life and then you come back and all of a sudden you start learning how to say no or like discovering what it feels like to say no, it actually kind of shows up insubordinate to people. So that that was a bit, that was a bit tricky. Like all of a sudden I'm like, no, I don't, I'm not going to get that into you anymore. I'm going to actually have dinner with my child and like read a bedtime story or I'm actually not going, like, I don't have the resources or the capacity to be able to deliver

on time the way I used to. And so there was kind of like a little bit of, there was a little bit of friction. And, you know, when I think about my husband and my son and like how I was showing up as a, as a wife and mother to them, a lot more present, a lot more connected. I'm also a lot more interested in how can I nurture that little girl. So there all of a sudden became not only was I now parenting my son, but I found myself now very interested in how do I parent that little girl? Who is she?

And like wanting to discover like what are her interests, you know? And so looking at I'm going to start riding my bike now. I'm going to start wearing a little bit more self-expressed kind of clothes. I don't want to wear this anymore. I want to wear that. I found myself really gravitating towards art, really finding a lot of solace and going to museums and starting to hang out with creatives. One of the things that I, you know, I grew up on a farm.

And so it was really used to like country music and top 40. And so being exposed to DJs and the electronic music scene at Burning Man was something that was like my ears had never really heard it that way before. And so started going to DJs and just dancing, like that somatic experience of like drumming and beats. And I would take our son. We would either go to, you know, little festivals or whatever that were child friendly. but really starting to kind of like look at what are these ways that I can replicate that experience. I know I had mentioned before at the time, the world of psychedelics was still kind of on the cusp of like coming through. And so one of the things that I had found was flotation chambers.

So I started going and practicing at flotation chambers. I started going to hot yoga to try and like mimic that experience of like the heat from the playa. I started going to Kundalini yoga. So one of my girlfriends invited me that in that particular experience was I would say the catalyst that kind of turned me and tuned me into breath. And it's relationship with the body and mind. I remember and it's kind of like in my story where we've been doing like, I don't know. if we were on our 11th minute of ego eradicator. And so you've got your arms up above your head and you're breathing really heavy like you're panting like a dog and you're going and you're going. And this was my

first time and I thought we were going to be doing like your traditional downward dog. And here I am. And I just remember thinking to myself, my God, if I knew how to breathe like this, maybe I could have birthed my son because I had an extraordinarily challenging birth story with my son. I think halfway through, I just got really scared. And when you get scared, you contract and you pull in. And when you're birthing, you need to like release and surrender to the process. And yeah, he and I had a pretty challenging time. And I just remember like, God, I don't know how to use.

my body. Like my body and I are not in cahoots with each other. And so, yeah, just kind of like going through this process. And so whether it was float, flotation chambers, yoga, hot, cold therapy, saunas, all the things. Like Los Angeles is like a beautiful smorgas board of all kinds of healing modalities. But Los Angeles also has some pretty notorious traffic and nothing close to each other. And coming from the salon and spa industry, I was just, I remember thinking to myself one day being like, God, like, where's the full service one-stop shop? Like, you can get your hair cut, colored, your nails done, and a massage all in the same spot. And that's kind of where I was like, you know, I always thought I would leave corporate culture and open up a salon, but now I'm like,

you know, I go back to that moment on the plio when I was thinking about how beautiful people were. And, you know, my husband was in fashion. And so modeling. And you can take some of the most beautiful people, but if they don't feel good about themselves on the inside, it doesn't translate. They're like empty and it's hollow. And I was like, how can I make people, how can I translate and gravitate this beauty on the outside and start curating it on the inside? So people look, like, not only do they look good, but they like have that energy, that like heart-led energy that just radiates. And so that's really kind of where the journey began, thinking that, yeah, I would like to open up a wellness studio with some of these different practices. And, you know, at the time, we felt like it was time to move back to Canada. And so that was kind of where the next phase of the journey began was moving back home to Canada.

And I was going to ride off into the sunset and open up this wellness studio. And then we just actually wrote off into COVIDian times. We moved in. We moved in with my folks so that I could birth my daughter. and I was training for meditation. And yeah, I was just like really barefoot pregnant on a farm. I think about my pregnancy with her versus with my son. And it's like night and day.

But, you know, life was like pretty optimistic. And then the weekend that we were coming out to Calgary to check out commercial and residential real estate was the week. weekend that the world shut down and we were landlocked. And that's when I got to meet some pretty amazing teachers called grief and rage. So I don't know. Have you, have you ever had those teachers come knocking on your door? I have. They, it might be one teacher with two masks. All right. Yeah. Yeah. They seem to go either hand in hand or just switch around and wear masks and both great teachers and they tend to work in pairs.

And one time one shows up and then before you can even see them leave, the other shows up. At least that's the way it was for me. Or they switch places and I wouldn't know. But yeah, I have. I've seen people really close to me die and be left under questioning why. And the question of why seems to be the siren call for grief and race. to come into your life. Why me? You might as well call them both in your house right now. What about you though? How did these two teachers show up for you? Yeah. I would say that

one of one of one of one of the dynamics that I find myself often dealing with is like magical thinking. And living living in America I really had been bought and sold the American dream. And if you do good things, good things will happen to you. And there's always, you know, the hero's always going to come and save the day and the villain, you know, like that kind of mentality. And sometimes, sometimes shit happens and there's nobody that's coming to save anybody. I know that sounds like really like hard. But, yeah, like when we're met with trauma, it's a growth opportunity. You know, we can really look at it as a growth opportunity.

But I really had it that when you do, when you finally align to your purpose and you're operating from integrity, the universe just like rolls out this red carpet and is like, And it kind of didn't. It kind of didn't. All of a sudden, you know, we're in all these different lockdowns. And the province that I was in had some pretty exceptional ones in our country. And I'm at home with my folks. And so now I'm at the origin of a lot of my conversations. So when you think about like those disempowering conversations that you tell yourself in the dark corners of your mind, that's kind of where a lot of, you know, a lot of them originate when you're a little person, kind of in the familial relations.

What do those conversations sound like? They sound like, why didn't you think of that? you should have known this by now. And there's others, I'm sure, but like when you think about, like when you think about kind of like when they run and run, you can get stuck. And when I think about like the stress cycle, you know, you'll have like a stresser, right? And you'll get this emotional response. stress floods your body. So when you think about fight, flight, or freeze,

right? When you're a little person, you're not really big enough to fight against people, right? Like the adults in your life. And a lot of times you kind of can't run away. I don't want to speak out of term, but I think there's a lot of folks in our age demographic where we were taught you can't, you know,

you can't act like that around here or don't you get don't you be angry with me or don't you be sad or like any of those kinds of like difficult emotions go to your room and come back when you're done like and all of a sudden now you're an adult and you're back in this in this environment and you're looking through adult eyes and now you're kind of like well hey wait a minute actually can choose differently and you're not. And do you know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean. Yeah.

You look at kind of like the elders, your aunts, your uncles, the folks that, you know, you had to obey, like obedience. And now you're like looking at the way that they live their life or their political or religious beliefs. And you're like, I actually don't believe that at all. all. And here I am yet contorting my life to please you. I don't want to do that anymore. So I kind of left like the corporate environment in which I looked around and was like, wait a minute, I'm actually no longer pleasing myself, what would please me. And now I'm back kind of like in

this familial domain where I'm like, hey, wait a minute, this doesn't please me. what actually pleases me. And the thing, the thing with emotions, I kind of like to, I like to remind people and kind of like use the analogy that emotions are like a tunnel. You can only see the light at the end when you've gone through the tunnel. So you have to go through them. It's dark in there. It's dark in there.

It's scary to go forward in those things. I don't know. It's going to happen. Right. Moss is over here. Nah, what was that? Yeah. Right?

And when you're constantly in situations that activate emotions, you get stuck. And that's where burnout happens. And I think a lot of us coming out of like COVIDian times, whether it, a lot of us will relate to burnout from the professional space. But I think post-COVID, there's a lot of research, a really beautiful growing body of research. coming out for like caregiver burnout. So whether it's parents or caring for, you know, elders. But just like this, this sense of, you know, emotional exhaustion for like doing too much, too long, caring too much too long.

And then like looking at the depersonalization aspect of it. So just like totally losing a sense of empathy and kind of becoming resigned and cynical. and then moving into like a decreased sense of accomplishment. So like nothing you do matters. Like and ultimately that's where I got at the office, right? Where you're just like chugging along, chugging along. And you notice yourself kind of becoming a jerk. And when we were on the farm, all of a sudden, you know, I can't move forward.

I have this big beautiful vision. I'm used to being, my identity is used to being seen as a high performer. And now I'm not producing. I'm not producing results. So then who are you? Right, right. I just wanted to back up for one second. I think it's important.

When you said you were, you know, you were at the office and you were becoming a jerk. Like in my life You know I felt I had a very similar Situation happened to me And I'm curious if you felt this way Like I felt I was being a total asshole to this guy

And I was mean to him My friend pulled me aside And like why you're being such a dick George My aunt is busting his balls And they're like no no no No no no George You're being an asshole And I'm like really?

So I'd think about it Like a giant handful of mushrooms one night I thought about it And I realized to myself I don't know like Am I being a dick? Yep I am I am Okay, why?

Why am I being mean to this person? Because he's weak. And as soon as I said it, Marissa, I realized I'm weak. You know, and it was like this mirror. Like, oh, I had to go apologize. I felt like a dummy, you know, I still, to this point, like, I'm like, I look back and I'm happy that I was able to do it and catch you. But when you see that, when you look back on that memory, do you see you being a jerk

as like misplaced anger? Or do you see that the reason those people were making you're mad? was it something they were doing or was it a reflection of something you were doing? There was a lot of like righteousness. So like a lot of righteousness. And I would say, you know, to your point about misplaced anger, like underneath was like this deep commitment and knowing that like we can do better. We like we.

What do you mean we? Like you and the person or a team? Like as our organization, like as our team. Okay. We, you know, we actually could be doing better. And we say these things and yet we're not embodying them. Okay. I'm with you.

It's kind of like all like one of the things that I have to be careful about. Now we're talking. You know, like the integrity police will come on the scene. And it's like, you're wrong. You're wrong. You shouldn't have been doing that. Shame on you. But that's like how I wish, like that's, that's where I came from.

And then I got to like leave that land and go back to the originating where there's, you know, are a lot of like guilt and shame. You were guilt and shamed and fear motivated you versus being inspired to do things. And so when I think about that inner critic in my head, ultimately, like, the entrepreneurship game is a whole different rodeo than corporate culture. Like I had a career path. I knew that when I followed these steps, I would get here. It could look like this or it could look like that. Entrepreneurship, holy smokes. Like, it's a different, it's a different ball game.

And when you're, when, when, when you're not compassionate to yourself and you don't speak to yourself kindly, you're like the world's worst boss. You're like a terrible boss. And then you kind of become crippled. And essentially, like, that's kind of where I got. Yeah. A little bit during, during those COVIDian times. And I remember.

I remember one of like the, I would say the silver lining at that time was everybody went online, right? So all of a sudden, like education was accessible online. I could participate in all these really beautiful. I was kind of like I had moved into like optimization. So I was like quite into biohacking and optimization at the time. not really knowing that like I'm still in I'm still interested in that but I'm like you got to you got to check out the roots now I know about the roots and the core those core wounds and shadow self and all that heads up now um but uh you know like being able to check out these different psychedelic conferences and I remember thinking I think it's time like my folks were going to go out of town. And so, you know, I have been doing all this research of like, you know, how do psychedelic practitioners, you know, facilitate ceremonies and whatnot. And so I had my husband sit for me. So I set up an evening for myself. And, you know, at the time, I had it like we were going to do this brick and mortar wellness studio. And I just felt stuck because I couldn't.

move forward with it because of the circumstances. And I went in and I did, you know, I worked with psilocybin. And it was one of like, it was such a beautiful experience in the fact that, A, it was intentional. So I think about my, my very first touch point, my very first experience with psychedelics that burning man, totally recreational. And when I look back at who I was at that time, that's actually very, I don't want to say inappropriate, but I was such a by the book, straight-laced person that if it would have been, you know,

how should the right way to do psychedelics have gone down? First dates are awkward. First dates are awkward. With a substance, with a person, they can be. But they're beautiful. Yeah. So I would have, I probably would have been like, well, I need to do it with a shaman. I need to like be on the earth that the medicine came from.

I need to have all these boxes ticked. But here I am like running around like a, you know, having the time of my life. Wonderful. Just doing it for the sheer joy of doing it. However, this time I got to be a little bit more intentional, right? go into it with, you know, really with the intention of like, what can, what can you share with me? What can you, what kind of wisdom can you offer me? And I remember there was, there was a couple different moments during the journey where I remember it would take me through some like, kind of like dark scenes.

And all of a sudden I could feel my body starting to contract and starting to get like that fear. And I just remember everybody like talking about, you know, bad trips, right? Yeah. And thinking to myself, no, just surrender, drop into your breath, surrender. And just as I would say that to myself, it was almost like the scene would kind of shift. And, you know, there would be like these scenes of like voodooists and like really scary kind of. kind of things and then all of a sudden I'd be like surrender drop into your breath and then all of a sudden they would just kind of like soften ever so slightly and they'd look beautiful like I would be

I would be the observer and it was almost like it was almost like you know I'm floating on that little boat and it's a small world and just being like oh wow look at all these different that's wonderful you know look at all these different ways um and ways of being and culture. It was gorgeous. And then I came out the other side and I remember just thinking to myself, I don't have to be stuck to brick and mortar. And I don't have to be stuck to brick and mortar. And I had always, I had always envisioned myself to be the owner operator, never a facilitator. And I remember thinking, the world right now doesn't need another person, another yoga teacher teaching yoga online. Everybody's online teaching yoga right now. I don't need to add into that. Everybody's kind of got that lockdown. But I do think there's a lot of people out there like me who are dealing with really difficult emotions and don't know how to move through them. And the breath is a pretty amazing way to do this. And

that's when I kind of decided for myself that I was going to become a breathwork guide and start teaching breathwork online. Just kind of backing up, I would say maybe like a month earlier, I had come across my breathwork teacher. His name is John Paul Crimmie. And what I really appreciated about him was he's kind of like no nonsense. He's from Boston, you know, teaches breathwork in Los Angeles, but used to be a fitness instructor or like used to work at Gold's gym, I think is where he used to work, but kind of has that like charge of, you know, one of, one of his token phrases is like, come on, you've done harder things than lay on the floor and breathe. Breathe. You can do it. Keep going, right? Yeah. And that's the thing is I was used to talking to

myself in that way so I could relate to it. I wasn't I wasn't really great at relating to super esoteric robed right you know mystical kind of folks that would sometimes come in the meditation space and so I couldn't quite relate to them. I was like I don't know I'm not I'm not that person right and so you know you think about these healing journeys and you got to meet people where they're at. And that's where I was at at that time. And the first couple, you know, the first couple breathwork journeys were wild. Just, you know, I would come out the other side, drenched, soaking wet with sweat or, you know, just having these like massive emotional releases. And at the time, I had a different, you know, I had another bit different kind of birthing injury. Um,

With my daughter and I couldn't I couldn't run. And so you know when you want to get that kind of physical release or that physical kind of like you just want to go bang the shit out of something and so you just go for a run, couldn't do that. But I could lay down and I could breathe and I could have that physical kind of experience as a result of that. But I also got to have the emotional release, just like a big old cry. And so that was something that I was like, yeah, I think there's a lot of people right now that are dealing with a lot of like emotions that we were never taught how to meet, so to speak.

And so that's kind of where the tables turned ever so slightly. And so that's really where the Golden Thread was born. So, you know, the Golden Thread Studio is a digital. wellness studio that's designed to create connection for people in such a way that they're present to the human experience and magic of everyday moments. And I know that sounds like a little bit of a mouthful, but when you go through these breathwork journeys, the experience that you have when you come out the other side is probably the most warm, nourishing,

yummy kind of sense of self, it's not easy to always access, right? Unless you're, unless you're pretty disciplined, unless you're in that practice of like being able to move into that state. And I think we live in a society that doesn't, it doesn't nurture that. You have, I feel like you kind of have to really fight for that for yourself or be super intentional. Yeah. It's almost conditioned out of us. an early age. Yeah. Yeah. And the thing is, is like, we have magic all around us all the time. Yep. We just have to be present to it. And, you know, we have these little, little beautiful devices that pull us out all the time. Yeah. All the time. And so, yeah, so that's kind of where, that's where the golden thread began. And, yeah, what else would you like now?

Well, first off, thank you for sharing. You know, I'm always enamored by the way in which people can use language to paint pictures all the way through the airwaves. And when you spoke about the idea of being, going into COVID and then coming out of this psilocybin journey with the blinders off on a way, like, oh, I came through this other side and I realized I had a lot of. these limits on myself. Like, I don't need to have brick and mortar. Like, there's just so much metaphor in there. Like, you don't need brick and mortar. You don't need this particular foundation. You know, you don't need to build on something outside. You can create it inside and then manifest it outside. And I think that's what you've done with the golden stud, like the golden thread studio is that you've taken something and idea and you've translated a vision into reality.

I think that that is where this new since ratio comes in or where this new relationship to your senses. And I think that that's emerging with other people. I think you're helping maybe the golden thread is a way to cast out a thread and pull people towards this way of translating vision into reality. Maybe you could speak on that a little bit more. Because I think more people are doing it, but the more people who begin to talk about it, like, what were the stages like? You realize, okay, brick and mortar, for whatever reason, it's not going to happen. I'm going to, I had this other idea that maybe it's not yoga, maybe it's this breathwork, but how did you take it from in here to out here. Like, what steps did you do? Was there a scaffolding you use? Was there a daily

sort of regimen that you took one step every day? Or can you explain to me what that looked like? Yeah. So when I was building the brick and mortar space, looking back at all those practices that brought me a lot of support, so to speak, in terms of like accessing joy, in terms of, like, accessing joy, in terms of being able to move stress through my body. What I was able to kind of pull apart the components were, I was working with my physical body, my emotional body, mental, and even spiritual bodies. And one of the things that I was starting to really notice

when I was in Los Angeles was, especially L.A. You know, everybody has this like obsession with the physical body and we go to the gym to work on it and to refine it. And like my relationship to my physical body and working out and everything was just so I didn't look terrible naked. Not to be strong, not to be vibrant, not to have longevity, any of that stuff. But then I kind of started getting curious, like, how do you build your capacity for resilience? How do you build like mental health, the mental health conversation started coming on the scene around that time as well, you know? Where do you go to work out your mental health? Yes, you know, there's therapists, but like there was still quite a, like, I don't want to say a stigma, but like you can.

You can only access them if you have benefits or money or, you know, there's not like a fitness gym on every corner. Also noticing that people more than ever are like leaving organized religion and being able to like, how do you gather and build community? And those were kind of like these components that I was like, I want a space where people can gather in community. They can be with one another. They can teach each other. It's kind of like a co-led space where if there was someone like myself who was, you know, brand new to the practice of self-care. So taking that girl who like didn't even know how to like take a frickin' break. And kind of putting her beside like maybe someone who I am right now and just prefacing, I don't have it all together.

I'm like totally in the messy middle. Maybe novice, novice, junior novice. But like, I in a million years would never have had a conversation about psychedelics, right? But thinking about being in my yoga class and being in those networks of conversations of somebody saying in passing, yeah, I just went, I just went to a retreat in Costa Rica. And I had like the most beautiful ayahuasca experience. And then you'd be like, oh, what was what's that all about? And it's these kind of like little pebbles, these little stones to kind of like help guide people on their journey, right? That's what I wanted.

I remember I was going to a meditation studio in L.A. And you had to check your cell phone in. You walked in. You checked in. Everybody had to leave their cell phones at the door. And it was this big beautiful communal space while you waited to go into the actual meditation room. and damned if people didn't have to, like, talk to each other. I know.

I sound so silly, but, like, you know, people had to talk to each other. And being able to see what's available for people when you ask them, how's their day or what's important, you know, like, what's important to you? Like, what a beautiful generative conversation starter, you know? And so when I was looking at brick and mortar, like I knew that's all kind of what I wanted. But looking at these different modalities, the breath was the one that thread everything together. Like you're able to hit and deliver on your physical, your mental, emotional, and spiritual bodies when you're doing breath. And so I already had like my business plan.

I already had, like I got all my vision and Pinterest boards of like what the brick and mortar is supposed to look like. And so it was actually kind of like a pretty easy switch to take it onto, you know, onto online. So if you look at my website, I remember when I was telling the, like it's wicks. And I'm like, I know what I want. This is exactly what I want. I'm like, don't you dare give me something white and airy with me. me like in some flowy gown throwing my hat with like handwritten scrolly, scrolly stuff. I'm like, I want dark.

I want glamour. I want like I want the human experience. And I think that's one of the things that we cut ourselves off to the human experience so often. Like whether it's our family telling us like we can't or we shouldn't or our, you know, just like Western culture has the. has these stigmas around accessing these different parts of emotion. And it makes you feel like, it makes you feel like you're a little bit broken or it makes you feel like you're less than because you're going through those spaces.

And you're not. They're totally normal. We just, we just haven't embraced them as a society. There's lots of other societies and cultures and, you know, wisdom traditions in the world that fully embrace them. and like honor them, you know? Yeah. You know, when I think about that,

the way in which other cultures are able to embrace different parts of the journey, I'm also fascinated by the relationships people have towards trauma and their loved ones. I know in what you've written and in some of the things that I have gone through, trying to explain something, a trauma that you went through with people you love and have them not really respond in a way,

probably because they don't want to talk about it, probably because they have a bunch of bent up feelings about maybe they didn't do something, maybe they wish they would have done something. Maybe they know they pretended not to do something. But whatever it is, that door's going to stay shut. We're not going to talk about that because it's going to cause a problem for me. You know, have you encountered that too when you have this issue that you're working through or this idea that you want to fix and you try and go, you know what,

I'm going to talk to my friend about this. or I'm going to talk to my mom or my dad about my brother, my sister. And then I don't want to hear it. Like, what do you do in that situation? Have you been there before? George, you like pokes the big bear. I know. I didn't even really talk about that in my share in Randall's book.

I kind of like briefly. It takes one to no one. Right. Well, I would say 95% of the discomfort of going through COVIDian times on the farm at my focuses was because I was still very much in the psychedelic closet. So not being able to be like honest and truthful and the fact that I want to build a wellness studio that is like a love letter to Burning Man and is a full of, you know, and is full of practices that yes, move stress through your body, but you're able to access these expanded

states of consciousness similar to a psychedelic experience. So contorted, so bent up into that good girl, firstborn, people pleasing role where like I couldn't, I didn't, I didn't want to tell them that I was out there railing around on a, you know, dancing on the playa, you know, with whatever, with whatever it was at that time, right? Why? Is that, is that shame? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. Yes. Of course. Of course. I didn't, I didn't want to upset them. I didn't want to disappoint them. I didn't want to deal with the response of like, yeah, of being totally shamed. And, How old was the girl on the swing?

She was about seven. Yeah. Okay, I'm sorry. Yeah, she's about seven. I'm just piecing it all together. Totally. And so I'm going to say it was probably about a year, maybe a year and a half when I finally decided to come clean and share with them that like I was like, you know, I can't continue like this. and it's actually making me really sad because they don't,

I'm actually being, I'm actually lying. Like it kind of showed up in my world. Like I was lying. Like I'm no longer being authentic because I'm not telling you the whole truth. And so I sat them down and wanted to share. And it came out incredibly awkward. and my parents weren't interested in hearing it.

They weren't interested. They weren't interested. And I remember, yeah, they, you know, I'm just noticing myself right now of coming up with stuff because I'm like, oh, my God, if you're going to be so ashamed. Okay, I'm getting all red and flushed. But yeah. So what happened was, I said, I wanted to share, I want to share with you about my life. And I wanted to share how I was a workaholic. And both my parents work very hard.

They work very hard. And when you want to make new choices for your children, yourself and those new choices are different than their behaviors. You don't want to upset them. You don't want it to come across like it's a criticism for how they live their life. And I think that's how it was taken. So there was, you know, there was their response. And they weren't, you know, it was kind of, kind of like a, kind of like a mock almost, mocking me. that's how I interpreted it. And I remember becoming completely enraged.

Like we go back to that like there's a stressor which creates an emotional response and then stress floods the body. I moved right into fight. Like was like, how can you not see me? And that's one of my, like, that's one of my, my, um, my. sticks is like nobody sees me. And so to have lived there like a year and a half and to have never been asked about my business, like, you know, hey, hon, how is, how is your day? What are you working on?

Like, what are you working on? That's interesting. Meditation. Maybe you could teach me some meditation. Maybe you could teach me some breath work. Why do you find that fascinating? Why do you like that? Those kinds of things were never had. And when I go back to thinking about parenting and mothering, that seven-year-old girl, all of a sudden, Mama Bear just like totally came out. And I think everything that I have never said in the last like 40 years of my life all came like, It wasn't, it wasn't pretty. It was terrible. It was like a, it was like actually a really rough scene.

It was necessary. It was necessary. Necessary. And I would say like that's where the grief came, like rage. And then we moved into grief. And the grief was like, I really wanted them to care about what I cared about, you know? And so when I found out, like, that was actually not going to happen. And so kind of like more of that magical thinking of like how these identities of parent-child look.

I just noticed this was one more pillar that toppled over as a result of like post-psychedelic experience. So coming out of, you know, corporate culture, looking at like leadership and bosses and stuff like that, C-suite, you think that they're separate from you or they think that they have it all together and they're just human. You know, they're just human beings doing human being things. Same thing with your parents. They're just human beings doing human being things. And I really got to see that. like I got to see my parents in a new light, like as peers, as human beings trying to do human things instead of like these superheroes that should show up a certain way, you know?

Yeah, I totally know. I wish more people would know. Like it's it's so hard to, first off, it's incredibly inspirational and courageous to see someone use the catalyst of a situation. to break a pattern, to break a generational pattern. That is fucking amazing. Like, I would give you a giant hug right now. Like, it's incredible to understand what people go through. And I think what happens is that, like, when you start looking back, when that grief comes,

one thing I have found is like, okay, yeah, I get it. But had it not been that way, I wouldn't be who I am. Like, all of a sudden, you can begin to see everything that happened as a catalyst. as a sort of chrysalis from which a new form was born. And that, for me, becomes a way in which I can cope again. Instead of like, okay, oh, God, that was horrible. Or I cannot believe they fucking did that. Ah, the rage is there.

Then you go, it was necessary. I wouldn't, I wouldn't have had the insights. I needed, it's not that I wanted it. And it's not, I guess on some level you needed it in order to become the new form. And a lot of people, you know what I mean? Like, if you don't have that, You can't become this. And then people don't want to go through it so they stop.

Yeah. And I would say, I would say like in the new form, like, that the, I would say like that last, that last thread of looking, looking for external validation. Like wanting to people please. Yeah. Like wanting to people, like wanting to please the leaders, wanting to please the bosses, all came tumbling down. Looking at, I can see how moving forward I would have been constantly looking over my shoulder being like, do my mom and dad approve? Do my mom and dad approve? Is this okay? And now, like, knowing that they weren't really watching anyways, I'm like, okay, well, what the hell do I approve?

What do I want? And I think like that was the last, that was the last pillar to kind of go down that brought me back to girl it's you and only you and you got to stand on your own two feet and you got to fucking figure out what makes you happy here we are again what makes you happy yeah yeah welcome welcome to you welcome to the world you know what I mean it's that's why they call it to work sir yeah so it's like you know, you know what I mean it's you think like, you know, transformation, you come out the other side and it's all going to be like gumdrops and unicorns and softness. Right. Right. People need that to go in the tunnel. Oh, it's going to be beautiful. Come on. A beautiful side's going to be beautiful. Come on. We should trick

them to get them in there. You know, it's like there's a trickster. Like it all fits together in so many beautiful ways. Yeah. And so like I would say like afterwards coming coming out that and and, you know, yeah, dealing with grief. It was almost, it was almost, it was. was almost actually a little bit like a loss, like feeling like there was a death. Like I think that vision I had of like the relationship I thought that we had had kind of that one ended and a new one can begin. And, you know, that's really when I was like, well, what makes you happy? And I'm like, I hand on heart believe psychedelics can make a difference for people, like with their mental health.

And, you know, that was back then and right now, like right now today, this past year. I've lost a lot of people due to mental health. That I'm not saying psychedelics are they end all to be all. But I do think that they help. And I think that if people had more access to them, if people, knew more about them, they could definitely help folks, you know. And I could see how by me being quiet, there were some folks that maybe, like, you know, you always wonder, maybe, maybe it could have helped, maybe not. But I'm not interested, I'm not interested in being quiet anymore.

And so shortly thereafter, I was like, no one cares anyway. I'm going to start doing, like really going for it. And yeah, we started getting, I started pulling up different search terms for Canada and psychedelics. And I came across an organization called Sisters and Psychedelics. Yeah. Yeah. And they had a summit in Vancouver.

And I had the opportunity to be their volunteer coordinator. and kind of take, you know, take a little bit of a leadership role with, with the community there. And I remember being at the summit and looking around and being like, fuck, these are my people. Like now I don't feel like such a weirdo. Like you, like I've been on a farm around, you know, farmers and oil guys. And they're like, you know, lovingly. they're like, you left your job in Los Angeles to now go teach people how to breathe. You're a drug addict.

What's wrong with me? He's lost everything. Well, who do we raise? Right. Jesus Christ. For school and everything to throw it all the way, you throw it all the way for this. Yeah. Yes.

I know. And all of it. You think you're like this total weirdo. And you're like, and you just get like utterly lost in. these really disempowering conversations about yourself. And then all of a sudden, you get chucked in this community of like-minded individuals who are chemists, therapists, botanists, anthropologists, like legit professionals in the community, medicine women, shamans, like the mystical, legitimate people in the industry.

Yeah. And I'm like, fuck yeah, this is, you know, and I remember, and I remember even at one point being like, this is where the witches are hanging out. Yes. You know? And, and yeah, and I just remember being like, yeah, these are my people. And so I went on to open up a chapter here in Calgary. And unfortunately, they, they had to, sisters in psychedelics has closed their organization. but they, you know, everybody still stays in, in conversation and in community and we're all in, you know, people. I think one of the beautiful things was is that even though leadership could no longer continue that conversation, the community itself was like, well, we don't, we don't want to stop. We want to keep going. And so, you know, it kind of morphed into like the chapter here has morphed into Calgary women. and psychedelics. And so I host women's share circles once a month here. And, you know, out there

engaging in the community, whether it's above ground, below ground practitioners. But I think, you know, I thought that there would be a pretty clean pivot from my experience in education, sales, marketing, bringing products, products and services to the, marketplace from like corporate beauty, I thought I'd be able to do this like really clean, swift pivot into psychedelics. We haven't dimensionalized yet. Like that the ecosystem, the psychedelic ecosystem hasn't dimensionalized yet into that way where like I find myself bumping up against conversations of like I don't have an is on my name. Therefore I can't play. And so I find myself bumping into these those kinds of constructs now where I'm I'm not allowing myself

um how do I want to say this I'm I'm finding myself holding myself back because it should look a certain way does that make sense yeah it totally does it I think that's that's all changing and I think it's part of the whole dynamic of what's about to unfold I see things on the horizon that fundamentally redefine what a title and a word is and who's capable of what. And Rosa, I love talking to, like, I really enjoy this conversation. And I feel like we just scratched the surface. And I think that had I not, if I didn't have to go pick up my daughter right now, you and I would probably talk for another two hours.

This is fascinating. And I got through maybe five of my questions, and I think I have, like, 12 on there. So you're going to have to come back. We have to do a second part because I think we can really unpack some more stuff. Maybe we'll bring a panel together and have more voices in the room. Before I let you go, Marissa, where can people find you? What do you have coming up and what are you excited about?

Yeah, so people can find me at the Golden Threadstudio.com. So that's the website. And then they can find me on Instagram at the Golden Thread Studio as well. And then I've got some. So there's a couple different ways that you can play with me when it comes to the breath. So I'll do private breathwork journeys. And then we'll also do group. And group can either be.

be a private group or we can do open open group. And I've been doing a lot of like psychedelic integration ceremonies for folks. Breath is like really beautiful as a as an integration practice. And so when it comes to like microdosing cohorts or women's groups, women's circles, just even like a freaking corporate, you know, like so many people will take their, take their staff out and get them wasted for Christmas, as a Christmas party. And it's like, well, how about instead of getting hung over and messy, we all go inwards. Yeah. And we'll do some breath together. So that's what I, you know, those are some of the different ways that they can play. And, you know, what am I excited about? I'm just really excited for what's to come within this, within this ecosystem. Honestly, I love

being able to hear all the articles and all the movement that's been happening. Yeah, it's going to be epic. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for hanging out with us. Please go down. Check out everything Marissa has to offer. She'll probably be back in a week or so, but go down, check out the studio. I hope everybody enjoyed the conversation as much as we did. And that's all we got for today.

Hang on briefly afterwards, Marissa, but I'm going to say hang up with our friends. Ladies and gentlemen, that's all we got for today. Thank you. Aloha. Thanks. Yeah. All right.