TrueLife - Marni Goldman - True to Myself

Episode Date: September 22, 2022

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Darkness struck, a gut-punched theft, Sun ripped away, her health bereft. I roar at the void. This ain't just fate, a cosmic scam I spit my hate. The games rigged tight, shadows deal, blood on their hands, I'll never kneel. Yet in the rage, a crack ignites, occulted sparks cut through the nights. The scars my key, hermetic and stark. To see, to rise, I hunt in the dark, fumbling, fear, furious through ruins maze, lights my war cry, born from the blaze.

The poem is Angels with Rifles. The track, I Am Sorrow, I Am Lust by Codex Serafini. Check out the entire song at the end of the cast. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the True Life podcast. We are here with an incredible author, coach, all around heartwarming person. And she's got a tremendous story and a new book out. The book is called True to Myself, Peace, Love, and Marnie. We are here with the beautiful Marnie Goldman.

How are you? I'm doing fantastic. How are you? And thank you for throwing in the beautiful. Thank you. Well, you know what? I'm a big fan of honesty. And so I, you know, I'm not sure how to introduce the book because it's a great book.

But it's also, it's tough to read at times because of the stuff that you went through. It must have been difficult to write this. that book. But maybe you can start by introducing a little bit about the book and who you are, and then we can jump into it. You know, it's so crazy because it is the most untypical story that you probably have ever heard. And people, when I say that, I'm like, take it to the bank. And it's like, how do you say to somebody, well, when I was 30, my mother relapsed on track and I was homeless with my daughter because this happened. It's outrageous. But it was very easy to write. It was 50 years in the making, and it was very cathartic.

I mean, being, you know, I didn't know there was something called infant abandonment trauma. I even had that from infancy, as you read. So I have gone through abandonment. I have gone through addiction with family members. I have been thrown out physically and literally from multiple homes many times. I have gone, I have a host of disorders. I am a human soap opera trilogy, basically. Unimaginable, right?

Unimaginable stuff. It is. And what I think is the most incredible part is that you're sitting here smiling talking about it. There's so many things that have happened where, and I'm sure all of us on some level know someone that's been through some trauma. But when you start stacking trauma upon trauma upon trauma, it's very easy to maybe take the path that your mom did or take the path that your father did and turn to something because you can't handle it or just to leave the situation.

But you didn't do any of that. And maybe you could start off. I know that you were abandoned twice before you were even one years old, it seems like. As cliche as it sounds, my biological father at four months old, told my mother he was going out for a pack of cigarettes. Never came back. Never came back. And then finally he gave me up for adoption. So right there, from infancy, I suffered without knowing it late during years, how that father.

abandonment issue would happen. And then my mother was remarried. He adopted me, but then disappeared when I was eight years old. As you read, he was in jail, but I didn't know that. I was told, your father's gone. We're moving where we live, somewhere else, but we can't talk about it. And so now in today's world, we would say, let's go talk to Dr. So-and-so and figure out how to handle this. I was told, move on, life goes on. And then, you know, when I was, when I was 17 the most horrific when I was pulled from the car, my mother's boyfriend, and they physically removed me and drove away with all my belongings. They actually threw me from the car. They were both on track. This was in 1987. There was no, let me find an Uber. Let me,

there was a pay phone that I had to go to. None of my family members wanted me. So 17 years old, I was on my own. And I could have been a statistic, but I didn't go that route. I just wanted some sort of typical life when I grew up, a house in a suburb with a family, but realizing I needed to heal myself. The house in the suburb doesn't do anything when you're unhealed. So it's a lot. I went through a lot. Yeah, it's tremendous. And I was reading some studies recently about children who grew up with their natural parents. And there's these things called mirror neurons. And when you're a baby, you automatically mimic the habits and the communication of your parent because you have like the same type of brain chemistry.

So you can really learn from them. And then people that are adopted tend to sometimes fall behind because they don't have that immediate ability to mimic or that immediate ability to learn. And when you start mixing in the unstable home life, be it abuse or be it neglect or abandonment, like it just really begins to put the child onto a path that is very difficult to recover from. I don't know how to be here. Honestly, I don't know how I am here. It blows my mind how I, when I hear it out of the box and it's like, wait, that's me.

How am I alive with all those scenarios? But I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, but I was just, I'm listening to it going, dang, it's a lot. Yeah. How do you, why, what do you attribute you being here to? Because for some reason, when I grew up, and I moved around a lot. Everyone in light had a family. Behind closed doors didn't matter.

But in the surface, most people had the typical mother, father, brother, sister, or what it is. So I was always the girl with the single mother in the apartment or the other stepfather. I never had typical. Never say normal, typical. So all I ever wanted since I was a little girl was to have a home and be a mom in the suburbs. That was my ultimate goal. So no matter what route I took, I always just yearned for that. I didn't become a drug addict.

I didn't do any of those things. I just always wanted to be just a typical mom, just a mom with a home. Again, you got to heal yourself because I fell apart in that home. But it was just I never wanted to do anything but strive for that. Yeah, it's amazing to think about how. how in your mind you just wanted this home and then you get that home and then it's you know it's never what you think it's going to be because how could it you like you don't know what's going to happen you don't really know what the future is going to be like or who you are until

you've been through all these things so can you take us take us through the idea of from like 17 and how do you go from 17 to getting a home it was a lot of um self deprecacy I guess is a good word I found, well, the first person I found ended up being someone who was physically abusive. He was an addicted gambler. I was living in New Orleans for a little bit. I went from North Miami Beach, Florida to Mittery, Louisiana. So it was a major culture shock. Like, what am I doing here?

My whole life was ripped apart from me. So I'm now in 12th grade, and I'm living with my brother for three months. I ask a guy I know to pick me up. We live in Orlando. Do I sleep on a floor? He beats the crap out of me. I was his punching bag. So I realized, this is not going to work after a year and a half.

I mean, it got really bad. I was huddled in a corner and, you know, that. And I never got healed from it. So those triggers that I didn't even realize I had a lot of the times were from every episodic, neurotic thing that happened to me. And so at 19, I left that situation that wasn't healthy. So the first person I found, this was my survival, you have a job, you have an apartment, I know your family, great, I'm going to move in with you. You can't throw me out. So I got married truly the first time just for survival. There was a roof over my head. That was it. But I wasn't in love with the person. I did not love him at all. I didn't even like him very much. But then I met my husband in that untraditional way, which I don't want to give away because it's insane and a whole other episode. for us to talk about. But when I got that house with my daughter and my now ex-husband, but my husband at the time, I thought that answered all my prayers, that house. But there was such

an unhealed 34-year-old in me that I didn't know how to process emotions. And it was a disaster trying to navigate a family myself. I didn't know at the time I had ADHD, OCD, clinical depression, generalized anxiety, suicidal ideation. a host of disorders, and I walked around up until I was 47 thinking I was crazy, lazy, scattered, you know, ditsy, and it was just my brain couldn't process. So when I found out at 47 years after living in that house that I wanted so bad, I fell apart. When I went on medication, I realized this was my life. This is the way my husband was talking to me. This is why I'm getting yelled at. And then that realization, I broke down.

If I had rock bottoms basement, I was at their basement and their basement and their basement. So that beautiful suburban home did not, it became a corner of that house that I didn't leave for months, almost years, crying in a fetal position, not wanting to live hysterical because everything now came to light what I had been through. My brain didn't really process it until I went on medication. and it was downhill from there. Sold the house. Got divorced. So it was.

That little fairy tale did not, the ending didn't end up the way I wanted, but it's the way God wanted, I guess. Yeah, it's interesting that you use the term fairy tale, because when I think of fairy tales, like I think of like a happy ending. And in the way you described that, like it seems,

I'm not sure what word to use, but it doesn't, I wouldn't use happy. But I would use the word, somewhat enlightened because the amount of courage it takes to be 47 and not continue to keep the walls up to finally say, you know what, is it? I had enough. That's, that's one of the moments that you really began to live your life and began to become Marnie. And like, that's probably almost like a spiritual rebirth when you, right? What, what did that feel like? Like, was it just like a realization? Like, what the heck am I doing?

or why am I letting any talking about? What was going through your mind when that wall came down? If you could pick, I compare myself to a disco ball. I crumbled in a million pieces, but put myself back together, all sparkly, but a million different pieces. It was the most cathartic thing that could have happened. Breaking down, I got to rebuild now the way I wanted to live my life. And I talk about it like it's so easy right now. Oh, I have boundaries.

It's so easy. It's been five years in the making learning how to un-people please, how to stop using external validation. How many likes did I get? That makes me, you know, more popular on Facebook hypothetically. When none of that started to matter. And I think the most, I think it was the day I went on Facebook live. I never did that before. This was January of 2019.

And I said, everybody thinks I'm so funny, which I am, fun, fabulous, everything. But there's such a darkness inside of me that the depression, the anxiety, and everything I talked about. And people responded like, oh, my God, that's so brave of you. And I'm like, well, what I went through was pretty brave. This is nothing. I could talk to anybody all day about my life. And when I realized, wait, maybe I'm finding my purpose and my passion year. People are listening.

I mean, I've been through extensive bullying. There's nothing I haven't been through. Truly. I mean, our situations may be different. but the emotions most people feel I have felt on a level 10 tsunami level, nothing. So the good thing, though, I've always been compassionate. And it taught me such kindness for people since I'm a little girl, knowing what it's like to be abandoned all alone.

But the most cathartic thing was breaking down. It was like it's like a tornado, you know, the middle, and then it stops. And then you get to go back up. Yeah, there's, you know, I've found myself in some situations where I, and I think a lot of people have found themselves in some deep tragedies, whether they lost somebody they love or they've been abandoned or their parents got divorced or whatever situation it is that individual that was devastating. People find themselves asking like, why? You know, why? And they start, why, God, did this happen to me? You know, when you begin going into this dark hole of why, if you can come out the other side,

like I believe the purpose of tragedy is because there's a force bigger than us that believes we're strong enough to come through and then help other people on the other side. And I think that's what your book does. It does. In fact, I feel like I was chosen. It was like the universe said you, you have to go through all of this. You're taking one for the team. So one day, everybody's going to need to know what it's like to go.

through heartache, tragedy, trauma, whatever is traumatic for that person. I would never tell anybody, oh, you know, don't get over it. It's not that big of a deal. It's the worst thing you could say to somebody. But it really makes me feel really good when I know that people have responded. People have understood, wait, you talk about mental health like the weather. And I think I lost you visually for a second. There you are. I'm sorry. I talk about mental health like the weather. And it makes the conversation. So I have allowed people that normally wouldn't say the word anxiety. They're like, yeah, I have anxiety too.

Yes, I didn't leave my house for months either. So when I open up that conversation, I realize now how much it is needed. And I'm grateful I went through all of that. I believe so much in the universe, spiritual stamina, that whatever bad thing happens, it's bad in our eyes maybe. But the universe is saying it's not rejection, it's redirection. It's not supposed to happen. Just go with the flow.

Go with the flow. Yeah. I was listening to some of the material you have online, and it's so packed with information. And you've distilled it down to like rejection is redirection. And the stuff that I hear you say is so authentic because it comes from a place of real tragedy. And it's amazing to, you know, it took 47 years to get this.

and to go through all these struggles to figure out, like, what is the meaning of that? Have you been, you said you've been able to kind of talk to other people and figure out that maybe this thing that I thought was a punishment might be a gift. Like, how do you, what do people say when you say things like, I'm glad that this happened to me? They look at me first, like, what? Like, dead pan, like, you have to be nuts. But I wouldn't be here if all that didn't happen.

I may not realize it, and I don't think any of us realize, not only are we living our life, the people that are around us are affected, the people I've met along my journey are affected, and those people are affected. I at one time was one of those, woe was me, but then I woke up and I go, oh, no, I didn't go through all this, do you come this far, to just come this far? I have a very powerful stories of life, 47 years now, 52, of horrendous, horrific, unimaginable stuff. And I'm like, you know what? Thank goodness I have a personality because my storytelling is almost as powerful as my story. So I guess it's just weird how indirectly I found

my passion, my purpose, a career. So all of these things that I thought were tragedy just became learning lessons. Learning lessons. That is what my life has been. Have you found that because you've been through all these different tragedies that not only can you identify with people that have gone through them, but you can notice little things in people, little idiosyncrasies that be like, I know what's happening to that person. It's almost like a superpower in a way. Do you know what? It's very, I can't even be mad at people, even the fitchiest of bitches bitches because I know why they're a bitch. It's like I don't have to be friends with them, but it's like, I'm thinking, man, only a nasty ass woman would say things like that. And I don't

have, so I don't get intimidated by people. I just realize the nasty, year people are, they have so much hurt in them, because hurt people don't go around hurting people. And it's just so I can read people in two seconds. I can tell, like when people say, I'm so mad at this one, they didn't call me back. And I would

just say, well, you don't know what they're doing. Nobody has explanation. Just live in life and chill. People have to chill. But it's very remarkable how the universe works. Like, I was supposed to meet you. You were supposed to read my story. This is the first time I'm actually, I have

waiting for this moment, honestly, and I don't want to cry, because I'm wearing lashes. No, I have waited years to have somebody talked to me about my book. I was, I had to heal. See, now after I wrote my book, I relived it, broke down again, and put myself back together as a studio 54 just snowball now. And so that's what I did. So it's all, I'm always learning and healing. I manage every disorder. I have every second. Like right now, if I'm talking a lot, I have ADHD. So it's even more important that I pay attention to all of my every moment that I don't get to distract it or weigh off or anything. So thank you for your patience. Yeah, I have ADHD too. And I, for me, the way I deal with it, like I got to have 10 things

going on in my head. Otherwise, I'm just, I'm not able to concentrate. But if I can talk to you and I can simultaneously think about the situation you have while holding your book in my mind. And I got 10 things going on. So I feel like, okay, I don't have to worry about anything because I don't have any more space to worry about stuff. So I didn't feel it. You know, and it, but I, I really think there's something to be, I like what you said about, I'm very thankful to be the first person talking to you about your book. And I like what you said about you had to heal.

You had to be ready to talk to somebody about it. And you had to go through a similar cycle. And it seems like every time you go through the cycle. like it gets smaller and smaller and more manageable and more manageable. And so it's, did you find that writing the book forced you to relive all those particular instances? It was such a blessing in disguise because there was something that happened to me that I write about in chapter 10 and I was like, enough.

I, I've always known I had a story since I was 20. People are like, you have to write a book. You have a movie. Now put myself a 52 years old or 40, 70 when I started the book. Wait a minute. What was the question again? See, I just thought. Did you feel like you had to relive a lot of those experiences?

It became so cathartic because I don't know if I would have healed myself had I not written the book. So personally, it helped me. Professionally, it helped me. The people I come across now that I help through NAMI, National Alliance Mental Illness, when I'm a speaker, everybody somewhere gets touched by something I have gone through and they feel gratitude for their life. Like the little things they would take for granted, like a house.

Like during, if COVID would have happened during the times I was homeless, whether it was with myself or my daughter, what would he have done? Like, nobody would want me because I wasn't their family. My own family didn't want me.

I write about when I was 17, my grandfather physically took my clothes and put them in the dumpster behind his house. He didn't want me living with him. So when I say discarded, I literally, like I'll say, the grouch was thrown in a dumpster. So I've been behind the eight ball my whole life

and the people pleasing I used to do because of that. Then the resentment because I was people pleasing. Then I was depressed because I wasn't doing what I wanted. So all of those things that happened in my life led me to understand everybody's personality, the way they behave. If somebody doesn't call me back, if they have nervousness in their voice,

I can read it in two seconds. I've had to my whole life read people. So it's been a blessing, I guess. Yeah. It's interesting that you say that because when you look at the pattern of abuse, that's something most people wouldn't think of. Like, when you're being abused, you look for the smallest signal that you may be in trouble, whether it's a crack in a voice or a twitching eye or an angry word.

Walking on eggshells is what I've heard sometimes. Worst. Yeah, walking on eggshells. I did that a lot through my marriage because I was so grateful. to have, I used to say to my husband, I was married, thank you for giving me room and board, because that's what I felt like you give me room and board on your wife. It's wonderful. This is all I wanted, but I put up with everything in fear that he was going to throw me out. It sounds ridiculous, but I have lived this paranoid life. So I did anything. I was subservient. Like, yes, master,

I needed, if I had a genie outfit, he would have been like, master. And I'm not that bad, but I everything to accommodate. And when I broke and I started to heal, I realized I am the most important. And that's where my self-love journey came in. And I say all the time, I am a fruit loop in a world of Cheerios. I love it. I love it, love it, love it. Because people look at me and I give my vulnerability gives people courage to be vulnerable.

Well, she talks about it. How bad can it be? And, you know, with the mental health and everything that's been going on, I am very grateful this younger generation. They're like, okay, mental health, I get it. We all have our stuff. My generation, they think one flew over the cuckoo's nest. Oh, shit, it's taboo to talk about.

So you see it to a 24-year-old, one flew over the cuckoo's nest. They're like, what? They don't get it. So I'm glad the stigma is going away little by little. And my story is really helping impact that. Yeah, it helps crack open this facade that there. are normal people. Like the word normal is such a ridiculous words. It means nothing. Yep. Is it, was part of your healing process going back and analyzing the way, the why your parents

were why they were, why they, who they were? I understand, you know, it's generational. Mental health has been around since the caveman probably, you know, I mean, it has been around since the guerrilla It's manned time, but nobody ever wanted to talk about it. So I cannot really blame the generations from it. What I do have a problem with is when you don't take accountability for it. My whole life, I didn't speak to my mother very much, but it was very, oh, get over it. Get over. What I did wasn't so bad.

Wasn't so bad. You were, you know, addicted and not once, but multiple times throughout my life and jeopardized my children and many things. But when people don't take accountability, like that's just the way they're like, that's the way I am. Or I'm not, nothing wrong with me, nothing wrong with me. Accountability is how you heal yourself. You know, most people are now able to say, you know what, something doesn't feel right. But I come from, nobody wants to admit they did anything wrong, blame, very narcissistic. So that is why I removed myself.

Because if I can't be around my own mother to show compassion, come on. She tells me to get over it. What are you upset about? What's a big deal? What's a big deal? You ruined my whole life. I didn't know how to have relationships. I was such a people pleaser. And then when I stopped comparing also, when I would look at fake book, not real. It's called fake book. None of us, I didn't look like this when I woke up, you know? My lashes. I wouldn't go out my lashes on. But people are comparing what they think is so perfect and we're not looking at what we all have. You know, everyone's looking at the one thing they don't have. and they're getting miserable. I try to flip that on people. Look at all the good stuff you have. My journey is not your journey. Your journey is not his journey.

We're all like popcorn. We all pop with different pieces. And I hope people start to listen and understand that they're messing up their own minds unnecessarily. They're like masochists in a way. Yeah, we are our own worst critics. And it's for some of us that have this repeating record of negativity that just never stops. Like, it's very easy to fall victim to this fake idea of what you think the world is. And it's not true. If you have the courage to be honest with yourself, you know what, I could be better at this.

Then you can actually start getting better at it instead of beating yourself. I've often heard that the purpose of guilt or the purpose of shame is to not beat yourself up, but just to make note of something so you don't do it again. But we're never taught how to deal with. our emotions. We're never taken in school to like, we should have like math, English, and emotion. Like we're never taught how to deal with that. I'm actually right now, um, about to start training how to be a life coach for kids because it starts, because I was talking to my daughter earlier. I go, why in second grade, for example, would someone tease a little girl and call her fat? It's not inherited because my daughter said, I've taught her nothing but kindness. So children need to

learn from their ABCs about, you know, loving me, loving you. I love myself because we are only in competition with ourselves. I just need to be the best version I was better than yesterday. And I want to be better than, better tomorrow than I am today, just being the best Marnie. And a lot of people they fall into that negativity where it's easier to be the woe is me, the wot, waw, the the debby downers of the world. It's an effort. You know, like right now it's cloudy outside. You can have somebody say, oh, it's cloudy. It's not raining. Great. I could do my errands or somebody going, ugh, the sun's not out. So it's how you look at things.

And for so I noticed more people like to be miserable, and I don't know why. I don't know. I think it's because, though, I don't know either. However, I tend to think that it's chemistry in our brain. Like I think that, and maybe that's an environmental issue. However, if you look at the way you see the world as a reflection of the way you see yourself, it usually corresponds or is congruent. You know, I know that when I'm in a good mood, it seems there's a silver lining.

But when I'm in a bad mood, it's raining out there. I don't want to go out there. You know, and it's a good way. I've always carried this philosophy of as above so below and as outside and is inside. And if you can carry that with you, I feel it's very helpful and it's served me laugh at myself and serve me to see the world in a better way when I go, it's bad outside. And I go, wait a minute. Is it bad inside? What's wrong with me? It's not bad out there. It's the same as it was. It doesn't, it's not good or bad. It's just outside. So what is it about me that's the problem? And if you can do that and you're honest with yourself, I think the people around you will love you, love you a little bit more. It comes back to taking responsibility like you said earlier in the conversation. I you know it's funny when I tell people what I have what I've gone through whether it's my host of disorders and stuff it's it's opening up a conversation and people are like I mean I can laugh I can feel better and laughter it is proven I mean I like I said I was in that fetal position crying

but yet I put on a stand-up I put on a wandasike special or anything comedic and it's an instant vacation and I tell people I know somewhere down in there something's made you laugh once in your life, whether it was Bozo the clown or sign, I don't know what it is, but some favorite movie, whether it's airplane, you know, loading and unloading and, you know, but there's something that makes people laugh. And I tell them you don't understand what you're missing. It's an instant vacation and dancing. You're must have to go on the ballroom dancer, but it's move your body. If you can laugh and dance at the same time, then it's when when.

But it's proven. And I am, I used to lay in the dark, not moving, and I'm here now. So I am like a living statistic that getting up, opening up those drapes, laughing. It really works. It does. Wonders. Yeah. It is a good feeling.

And it's our body's response to feeling good. It is healthy. And it can heal you. One of my favorite comedians was Richard Pryor. And he did this interview. So funny, right? So funny. And one of his, I remember, always remember him saying that laughter takes away all your rage.

And like, that's such an antidote to fear. It's such an antidote and an escape for situations that we can't solve, whether it's an adult or someone beating us or whether it's circumstances that are beyond our control. You're going to cry about it? Are you going to laugh about it? Because you can cry about it and make yourself worse or you could find a way to laugh in the best comedians. And the best comedians, like if you look at the life of a comedian, quite often they share the same sort of destructive environment that people like us or that all people share, but worse.

Like you would probably be a great comedian. Oh, well, dream job. I mean, you have no clue. I mean, when I actually won tickets three years ago to SNL. It was the most unbelievable thing because nobody goes to Saturday Night Live. On that stage, I'm like, okay, this is amazing. But it's true. lot of comedians take your self-deprecating pain and they laugh about it. I have laughed about myself

my whole life. I mean, I have a good personality and I'm also funny and I find humor with everything. Otherwise, I'd be flooded like the witch, melted in tears. But I love laughing. It is that horrible night when I was thrown from the car, prior, that night before I was at a motel, my mother was doing crack upstairs, but there was a stand-up, a comedian, a comic, a comedy club in the hotel. So that night, I have nowhere to live. I was just thrown out of my home, but I went to see a stand-up comic. And for those two hours, I was hysterical, and it took me away from the most tragic night of my life.

So when I say comedy works, comedy works. It's so true. And it's, it's a pathway you can begin, you know, whether it's, it's fine. I want you to think about how amazing that is. Imagine being homeless, having absolutely nothing, not knowing where you're going, not knowing who, not knowing,

how am I going to get my next meal from being like, I think I'm going to go see this comedy guy and laugh a little bit. And then just escaping into this mind of just escaping into laughter for, like you said, that's a beautiful, like a vacation. What a beautiful way to put it. Yeah.

And you know, it's weird. Most 10-year-old in 1980, we're listening, were doing, I don't know, roller skate, everything, but I was watching Joan Rivers. I would listen and like, can we talk and try emulate her? And in 84, I remember during very dark times,

you know, my childhood wasn't great. And when I was 17, that was just the massive part. But I would watch Rosie O'Donnell on Star Search and Sinbad. So they, laughter and comedians have gotten me through my entire life, my entire life. You know, that's something that maybe you should think about. You said that you were thinking about being a child's coach. And I know that you're already a coach and you do some things,

but I could see you putting together a program where you help walk people through the tragedies in their life by showing them how you got through them. And I could even see like stand up or I could even see comedy being a part of that. Have you ever thought about putting it? Maybe your next book could be like the the Marnie program or the Marnie Goldman program for people. I tried this about maybe nine, ten years ago. I wanted to do like an Ellen for kids. And I created a business model, a business plan.

I made like a pilot episode, but then it became financially not doable. And I wasn't in the right frame of mind. But I, because I've always been in this industry, whether it was an agent or casting, and I just know that people feel my energy. And that's one of the most top tier compliments I could get is when people tell me they love my energy. And I love helping children. I love when I, if there's a sad little one sitting alone, my daughter always knew, you go sit with her. But just my heart breaks. And because our childhood messes us up the rest of our life when we just come.

compartment compartmentalize. Thank you. That was a major fauxpom. I'm glad this wasn't live on the news. So these two are childhood. Most people go back and they have a lot of childhood trauma that they never address and they live in their adulthood, not understanding why they're not having relationships.

Well, or me as a mother, not being healed. I took a lot of stuff out of my daughter and until I was able to heal. myself, now I look back and I think, oh, gosh, everybody needs to heal themselves where you are, especially when you become a parent. It was horrible, the overwhelming sensations I used to get with her, and I would snap at her. And it was just, it was very difficult. Yeah, it's so hard to be a parent. Relationships are very difficult, and we're not, I would say that there are some people that that are very fortunate to have two loving parents that help them. And even then, I'm sure that's not always easy.

However, I wish that there was some sort of way. Let me give you an example of what I mean. When I was in my 20s, I had a really good friend named Brian. And Brian met his beautiful wife at college, and they sat down and they went to counseling before they got married. And they went to counseling, I think, for almost two years before they got married. And I remember thinking to myself like, well, that's weird. Like, you know, I thought you go to counseling for like your parents getting divorced.

What are you doing going for this? And then it wasn't until I got married in my 30s. And I realized even though I had had some relationships in my life, I didn't know anything about relationships. And once you have a kid, you realize you don't know anything about being a dad or a mom or, hey, what's going to happen when the baby's not sleeping? And what happens when you're not sleeping and all these little things that you thought weren't a problem? I can tell you when you're not sleeping and that baby's crying and you have some money problems, the whole world is on fire. Oh, shoot, 911. Woo.

Yeah. And so I think that that's something that I was never taught. I wish it was, I wish there was more for kids to learn about relationships because then you could actually have a way better chance at having a successful relationship if you're taught about them. I teach my children. Well, I've always tried. I didn't preach it for a long time. Communication. Yeah.

Over communicate whether if it's like I would come home if I were in a bad mood and why are the dishes in the sink and everybody's arguing. Then they finally said to me, why are you always mad at us? I'm like, it's not you guys. It's my situation. So now I say it's not you. I just got off a bad phone call. Don't take it personally. And then right there, wow.

And I also realize to say when I'm vending, I say to them or I have people ask, do you want advice or are you just venting? Because most people just want to fix it. When I'm in my bawling rage of hysteria, I don't need somebody saying, well, just go outside or just go do that. Let's just let me be hysterical. Just just I just just just be there. And it's I understand people wanting to help, but it makes it kind of worse, you know, in some weird way. But, but when I healed myself and that self-love, that's the most crucial. It's the best. I'm my best audience, I guess. I never thought I would be, but I've learned to be my biggest fan. Yeah, that's such a huge, it stokes me to hear you say that because I wish more people would. It's really, like I said, I think it's a rebirth when you begin to understand that you're, you're kind of alone in this thing and you can have people around you, but ultimately, you know,

you're alone. Sometimes we're alone. We're all together, but we're alone. You know, when you begin to understand that, then I think you can really become a better version of yourself. And only once you heal yourself and make peace with these things, can you really begin to help other people? You can because one, I've learned to not take things personally.

Yeah, that's huge. Like the bitchy girl or you're saying, I was going to seem to be talking a lot about makeup, but I was going to have my makeup done. I was doing an interview for something. and she was nasty. So I normally, my old Marnie would have just been a bitch back. I probably would have told her to leave.

But I know something had to be going on. So I started to open up about my life where it wasn't so terrific. And she felt comfortable and she was going to be evicted. Her son was quiet. So I understand that nobody wants to wake up like that. So again, you don't have to be friends with those people, but I can understand, okay, something's going on with this. woman. She is not in a good mood. So we don't know what people are going through. And that's why

always be kind. You can know people are rude and why they're rude and you don't have to put yourself in that situation to ever be anybody's in their line of fire, but emotionally, but you can understand, don't take it personally. I just to take everything personally. If I didn't, if you looked at me wrong, I would say maybe he didn't like my interview or something. I mean, I used to take it to an extreme. And also, I was only loved how I loved. growing up. You had to be thin, you had to be pretty, and I was awkward, frizzy, and chubby at 15. So the way my family looked at me, like I was like a monster, where I was just 15 years old. So I have always been criticized for who I was. And so loving myself and not waiting for other

people to love me was such a game changer, life changer. That self-love, because nobody else is going to love you. Nobody will. No, no money, no apartment, no car. It's all within. And nothing, there's nothing that can fill that hole except, but it's kind of like, it's kind of like the ruby red slippers. You have the power all the time, but you just don't know it, right? Oh, gosh, yes.

Broadway, but that would be no wicked. I also have the times I saw that show, but we have the power. We do. We have the power all along. We just got to take it back. we give our power away by people pleasing you want to go for dinner and i really don't want it and i'm just like oh yeah now it becomes the the obsession do i cancel which i do did a lot i stopped making plans because i was always canceling how i feel now i may not feel Friday night at seven

and then the guilt and the shame and i just had to learn to be honest and just say i'm not able to make it And it's hard. I mean, I have, I can't believe, like, even me here sitting talking to you, again, I was in this dark room for years, like dark life. So I hope anybody watching can get some sort of big two can come out of the dark. And we all have our stories. And I love when people feel comfortable to open up to me. They were like, you know, I went through this.

And my mother was like that. And they've never talked about it. But my book should come with a trigger warning because there's a people, maybe people don't want to heal right now when they read. these heart, heart, gut-wrenching situations I went through. And it makes people sad. And then I'm like, no, no, but I'm so happy. It sounds ridiculous.

I went through it. Because here I am, able to talk about it. If I had a boring, typical life, went to the, da-da-da-da, got married. That wouldn't be exciting. Here I am talking to you about my book and everything else. So it ends everything has a silver lining. Everything. Just have to live in faith and not fear.

That's all. Can you hold it up again so people can get a good look at it? Of course. True to myself, peace love, Marnie. And it's just people read it. It's not your typical, you know, I have an alcoholic family or I was this. Every paragraph could be a trilogy or a movie or, I mean, I know this is not typical and people read it and their jaw drops. What people take for granted, like a family, I look at people like you have like two sets of grandparents.

and cousins and you guys have Christmas, like you all go together. Like, that's so foreign to me. So family, like I once wanted to do a casting just to have people for Thanksgiving. Like, really, I have grown up in such this lonely, well, you know what I'm saying. And just, I just always wanted that Norman Rockwell

feeling white picket fence doesn't exist because we all have our, but when you love yourself, you could go anywhere, and do anything. And I, you know, people look on fake book and they think, oh, my life's not great. They're going vacationing there and they have this. It could be a prop. You know, you lose out on that moment. I'm not going to get my years back. I spent crying on the floor. So life is in a dress rehearsal. Life is now. And that's probably what gives me the um to get up every day. And

I may not be productive every day. Life certainly isn't perfect. But I trust the universe to know I'm guided the right way. It's so true. And, you know, I look at it like this. Like, you may not get your years back from those horrible situations, but you may give those years to a young girl who goes through them. And like, I hope that that, I hope right now you get goosebumps like I have because I think that there's nothing greater than taking the pain for someone who may not have to take it because you went through it. Yep. That is my whole mission in life. And I don't do this for any but the sole purpose of my heart and never wanting anyone to experience

that judgmental feeling, being fully being told they're not good enough. And I've been told already that it's helped a few people, which my job has been done, but there's millions more that need to hear this. Millions, I believe. Yeah, yeah, and the book's really versatile too.

Like, in some ways, I can read it and be like, I'm glad it was her or not me. Maybe my life's not that bad. And as horrible as that is for me to say, like, I know that you're like, yeah, George, it's awesome, because that's why I did it, you know. You found gratitude. Yeah. It wasn't. Yeah.

Love it. That is everything. I love when people say, that is the whole purpose for you now to say, you know what? My mother may have been a little, woo, but it could have looked what I had. You know, the people had college graduations or high school graduations or cousins that come over. none of that I had. So people appreciate those little things you would never even think to appreciate or take for granted. I'm so glad you said the word gratitude because it's, it uniquely encompasses everything about us,

whether it's looking at the book and being, oh, mine wasn't that bad, or looking at the book and being like, oh, my gosh. And then look at her. Look at mine. She's made it. Like, look at her now. Like, I think there's something to be said about that. Can you speak on gratitude a little bit?

Gratitude's best attitude. When you, I mean, there is nothing, I have all of my Marniesms, I call them. As you think, like, you know, one door closes and I speak fluent affirmation. I'm like a walking home on. But having gratitude, it just makes life simpler because it's like, I didn't get this meeting. But you know what? Thank God I'm in a position to go to a meeting. I didn't get a job, but you know what?

I'm able to now apply for jobs. Somebody was complaining. They were stuck in traffic and their air was not working great. I go, oh, I'm sorry, you're in your Tesla, you know, not working for 60-something degrees out. Like, oh, I'm sorry. So people, when you realize, wait, you know what, I'm bitching a lot about things that are really irrelevant to bitch it out. So just, I guess there's a silver lining on everything. I am grateful if 10 people read my book or 1,000 people,

you know, just grateful somebody read it. I used to send people out on auditions, and they're like, what if I get it? What if I get? I go, be grateful you're going on in an audition. People can't even get an agent. It was just finding gratitude from the core. What can you, let's go back a little ways.

How long, what was the process like writing the book? Like, how long did that take? And what was that process like? It was actually easier than I thought because I had years of journaling and my memory and it was so raw. What had something terrible happened to me. I just needed to tell my story. So I started my book in June. I went to Colorado and I just needed peace, quiet, and it was effortless.

It just flowed. I mean, and what's remarkable, there's a lot of stuff I took out with, I mean, I mean, there are stuff that's not even that. didn't even make the book that could have been there, but it was too much. I know. You're thinking how much worse could it be? There were things in there. I couldn't even put in. But I started June, and the book came out the, like, November 30th. So basically, from June until the beginning of November, and I had it edited throughout. And finally, I had my finished product, and took three weeks in the end of November, I had this amazing book. But now I'm reading it now. just sitting here, I'm like reading it, crying.

My inner child, Matt was crying. My inner teenager is angry as a mother, you know, love. And then COVID happened. So now I'm healing, living through COVID, getting a divorce through COVID. And so it wasn't really the best for me to promote myself. So I've been healing, like this is part of my journey still. This is the arc. But what it did, though, I fell apart like the disco ball, the Studio 54 disco ball.

put myself back together and it just, it healed me. I don't know if I would have gone for therapy to heal eight-year-old Marnie, four-year-old Marnie, 15-year-old Marnie. This indirectly and inadvertently healed myself. I'm still healing, but it was a breakthrough from a big breakthrough. Yeah, you really have to be honest to start writing stuff down like that. And then being our own worst self-critics, you get it on the paper and you look at it You're like, oh, am I really going to write this?

Or, hey, that's not what happened. Or sometimes I found myself changing things when I write, like, you know, oh, that's not really what happened. Or am I really thinking that you have to really relive those experiences and be honest with yourself? And I think that that is an issue with abuse or destructive behavior is this ability to be honest with ourselves. Have you found that to be an issue in sort of difficult relationships?

At first, for years, I couldn't have relationships. I was either your best friend or I didn't speak or it was just either at all or nothing. You know what I'm talking about in this rare club of ADHD we have. But once was healed, I understood how I was manipulated by people, places, or situations. I've learned to have healthy boundaries and communicate them healthy and without having arguments with people. It's okay to say no. It's okay to say I'm not able or even leaving my own room to take. taking a time out from my family saying I have to take a time out now. And I think having healthy boundaries and communicating is just, I say it a lot,

but it's so important. None of us are mind readers. And if I'm left basically unread, meaning I don't know what they're thinking, I'm going to go to the worst scenario. And I'm already having good afflictions now thinking the worst without even asking. We're not mine. So it's been, you know, the one thing that I think really here, be the most was the not caring what people thought.

Because I could never write what I did. And I was very honest. I use real people places situations. And I know there are the people that are going, oh, look at morning in her book. I don't care. I know that doesn't bother me at all. What people say about me is none of my business.

Another affirmation. And I'm going to add that to my show, the day of our actions. Because I didn't care. Once I stopped not giving a rat, you know what, ASS, like changed. When you don't care, you reach this place of, I guess, peace, because we all want external validation.

You know, people are putting up things on fake book to get love. And you don't need that. Just be authentically you and the right people will find you. And it's, I used to fake who I was, you know, let me be a little more affluent to go out with that group of people or let me act this way. And once I just started being Marnie, like fell into people like my puzzle. was complete. Yeah, it's, I hope that that is something that more people will get to do is to complete their puzzle. It seems like we spend so much time trying to fit in, trying to change who we

are to adapt to the world while maybe we should just get in where we fit in or allow the world to adapt to us and welcome us. I almost think of it like a hug. Like, if you just let the world hug you, then you'll be surrounded by that, which is, best for you or that you need in your life versus you trying to go out and hug everything. You know, it's just this chasing. It's like relationships. The more you chase somebody, the less they like you, the more desperate you seem. And it's almost repellent in a way.

I compare that to when you see if you're in the forest alone or in the forest, you see a bear coming at you, we're going to run. Right. So sometimes I used to compare myself with those of my kids or people. I was that bear that was aggressive and chasing. sing and whoa, whoa, you know, call, um, call Yogi there, get her out of the because I was, I would go with people. So that was me, that aggressive. But when you just live your life, no, whatever's going to happen, it's going to happen. My daughter right now is

applying for college, um, job. She just graduated college. And I said, use every, um, interview as experience. When the right one's going to happen, it's going to happen. Don't beat yourself up. Oh, or did that work? So they say the right thing or they can hire me? We've got to trust it. If I could trust the process, everybody can trust the process. Oh, your daughter's lucky to have a mom like you. That's such good information. It's especially job interviews, I found that like when you go into one and you want it,

you're probably not going to get it. But if you go in and you're like, you know, when you go in and you're caring and you know the material, but you're not so like you're not like the bear chasing them, they can feel that. And you're like, well, you know, let me ask you guys some questions. questions and you can flip it on them. Then they start thinking you're engaging and they started thinking, wow, look at this person. You know, it's good information you gave her.

I'm glad you did that. That seems awesome. I also tell people like Jennifer Hudson, she wouldn't be an EGOT winner if she had won American Idol. So at that time when they said, you got to go home and they did that song. You had a bad day. Remember, they would show them. Yeah.

Her life must have been, she must have been so sad. But now you look back. Thank God she didn't win American Idol because now she's a bad. an Emmy Grammy Tony Oscar winner with our own talk show. So what we think is the end of the road, it's not. It's like Pac-Man.

You know, when you play and you move the little wall, you go the other way. And if the monster gets you, well, and you keep, you get up and you keep going to get that high score. So it's kind of like, life is Pac-Man. Mrs. Pac-Man. Yeah. I always like Mrs. Pac-Man better than regular Pac-Man.

It was just a better game. Well, there's, yeah. And, you know, that's a great analogy. because in Pac-Man, there's patterns people use to win the game. And the same way you've established a pattern of moving through obstacles, regardless of how difficult they are, never giving up, finding away. That's the same sort of perseverance that people need in their life, whether you're Jennifer Hudson or Mari Goldman or George Monty.

The same pattern people have to be successful is the one of never giving up. You could take time and cry and be mad and be upset, but the purpose of life is to continue to move on and magnify the human experience. And I think that that's what your book does in so many ways is magnify the human experience. And I want you just to think about that for a moment because all of these things that have happened to you, on one level so horrible to a young Marnie, but on another level, so beautiful and powerful and empowering to the fully grown Marnie who is now influencing other people. Like that's a beautiful thing to think about. And if we can just stay there for a moment,

what do you think about your life now? And like what would you tell the, let's start off. What would you tell yourself 20 years ago and 20 years ago? Let's start off with the 20 years ago. What would you tell yourself if you could see yourself? Oh gosh, 20 years ago, it would just, I mean, because I literally and figuratively chased my husband in that way and I couldn't live or breathe.

If I didn't hear from that person, it would just be go with life. Don't ups. I mean, it was an addiction. If I didn't get a beeper or page from my husband, we were having our affair at that time, it was horrible and gut-wrenching. I would just tell that, Marnie, live your life. Do not depend on anybody. A beeper for happiness.

Live your life. Find your happiness is what I would say. What about to Marnie 10 years ago? What would you tell her? The 10 years, I would say, be easier on my life. kids on my daughter especially because I didn't have gratitude and appreciate all of her straight days but the minute she got that D, why did you get that D? I was I lived my childhood through her unheeled me. So when I'm thinking she got a bad grade, you know, oh my, now I'm thinking she's

never going to go to college, she never can graduate, she's not to what's going to happen to her life. So heal yourself. Heal yourself because I, once I heal Taylor myself, I was able to be the kind of other that unjudgmental where I don't just look at the conditional things and what she's wearing or what her weight is and not comparing her to other people. So I would say to chill out and let Taylor be Taylor and everything turned out the way it was supposed to. I love that the way it was supposed to. Like that's that's the truth. Everything is right now the way it's supposed to be. And if you can understand that, right? Yeah, we don't have to like it, but you have to accept it. You have to accept it. You have to accept it. It's, it makes me wonder. I'm curious about this and, and let me know what you think.

When I look back at some of the things that happened in my life, like my parents got divorced when I was 12 and my dad had a, he's bipolar and there was a lot of things that happened that made me upset with my parents when I was younger and, you know, and I carried that in my life. And I, I feel sometimes I have acted out in a way because that's the way I was taught growing up. And, you know, I finally got to a point in my life a few years ago where I just stopped carrying stuff with me. And I got to the point where I forgave all the people that I felt had done me wrong. And for me, that was such a weight off my shoulders. And I never knew I was carrying it. But the moment, even in my mind, before I actually went and told them, you know, in my mind, I go, you know what,

I'm sorry. I should apologize to those people for the way I've been. And I thought, this whole time I thought it was them what they did to me, but I realized it was me doing it to myself. And when I finally gave forgiveness, I felt like I finally kind of got to heal some of these scars. Have you felt that way? Have you given forgiveness to the people that have harmed you? I forgive, like you say, it's not for them. It's for me. Yes, yes. Because if I'm walking around with bitterness, I don't believe my business, I would be where I am today because I still had had, you know, issues with my mother. I didn't feel this and I still had anger or deep issues. And I still had issues. But once I let it go, it's like it's his weight lifted off your shoulder and you give

yourself peace because thinking about it, it's only going to eat your Kishka's up inside. You know, like, why am I going to do that over someone that I haven't spoken to in 20 years? And the, the jerk, my uncle, the mean one that kept throwing me out when I was younger, when about a year ago, I made a voicemail email to him, letting out everything. I know he never heard it, but it was cathartic for me. me. And sometimes they say to write it out, say it. But once I did that, I haven't thought about the man since. I used to walk around cursing his death. Not really, but I wrote that I wanted him in a hospital where he couldn't talk and I could just say anything to him. But I did it in an emotional

way, whether he heard it or not. It healed me. I got it off my chest. Now it's like, I don't walk around without resentment anymore. You're just, you're not allowing the peace to enter your body because It's just, it's a full capacity of negativity. Got to get rid of it. Yeah. And in a weird way, you know, you almost have to be thankful for him because he taught you a skill that now you can use on everybody, you know, and it wasn't fair. It wasn't right.

But, you know, I, when I was younger, I was molested. And I remember for so long just carrying that with me. Like, this person did this. But then the older I got, the more I realized, like, I spent so. so much time thinking about that. Like, I should, like, that person has taught me more than a lot of other people because it forced me to look at the world differently. And I'm not condoning what that person did or anybody else that's, whether it's an abuse or

molested or anything like that. I don't condone what that happens. But it's important to understand that because that thing happened to you, now you see the world in a different way. And because you see the world in a different way, you have to be a different way. you have the ability to help other people. And at a young age when things happen to us, we see the world differently.

And we're thrust into the world differently. And you react differently. And sometimes you act out. But it can be something that changes you for the good. So anybody that finds themselves in a horrible situation, know that there's light at the end of the tunnel. And but because this thing happened to you, you can be better because of it.

It's hard to think that at the time, but it's true. Yep. You know, when I was married the first time, I went through in vitro cycles, and they said to me, Marnie, you know, you might have like three, four children and looking back at the time, I was like, okay, let me, you know, and when they didn't work, but now I'm thinking I could have had three or four of those for my ex-husband. Thank God, it didn't work. Thank you.

So it was tragic at the time, but I understand what people taught me, the people that have been horrific towards me, taught me what I never. would do towards anybody. The compassion that I've instilled in my daughter, my son has a rare genetic disorder and he doesn't process emotions and he's very much like spectrum. So dealing, having that on top of everything also. But it's instilled in my daughter from like birth, basically to always be kind. Don't ever let anyone sit alone.

And my daughter doesn't know any other way. So if I didn't go through my heartache, I might have been a bitch growing up. I don't know. But it taught me such kindness and compassion that when I would get mad at her, my therapist said to me, but she's learning these things from you, the good thing she does. Even if it goes above and beyond, she gets that goodness from you. So I flip that and I see now the positives with everything I went through. I mean, again, it sounds crazy, but I'm so blessed to have survived it, to have a story

the world can resonate with now, whatever they're feeling. I hope to end this stigma and ridiculousness of people thinking that I don't want people to know I'm not okay. Because show me the perfect person. Where are you? Who are you, Mr. Perfect? Who don't exist? They don't exist. And I got to tell you, though, it's just that not caring.

When you love yourself, you just don't, it doesn't matter. You're like Teflon. Everything just falls off you like a duck, right? Yeah. Is that the analogy? The Duff? Yeah. Like a water.

Water rolls off your back. That's it. It's so true. What would you want people to come away after reading this book? What do you want people to really get out of this book? Where they are right now, and it may be horrible. It may be excruciating. They could be getting evicted.

It could be the most horrific situations. I don't want people to think it's the end of the road. It's not. It's just a temporary detour putting you where you're supposed to be. Whether it's someone you meet in a waiting room, if you're in a doctor's office, just keep going. This is your journey. You don't have to like it, but there's a bigger plan and just follow along and go with the flow. Because it's not the end. You may think it's the end, but it's just part of your journey, not the end of your journey. What were some of the most inspiring moments? Like, let's say, like, you told us about the time that when you were 17 and you were just in dire straits and you found comedy.

Are there other moments of inspiration that happened to you when you were at your lowest points? I'm going to say when Kate Spade died of suicide. That was when I was really, as an adult, rock bottoms, bottom, bottom. I mean, it was horrible. I wanted, I didn't want, I had suicidal lighting. I didn't want to live. I wasn't planning suicide. People, that's a term used very weird.

You just want the pain to end. You know, you want the pain to end. I would not go on medication. I would go on ADAD medication, but I kept telling my doctor, I'm not depressed. I don't need this. So hearing about Kate Spade, that is when I went to my doctor and said,

okay, I think I do need antidepressants because of somebody of that figure and status that we thought was so perfect, or Kate Spade. for me that took me in there. And I also, with other celebrities, with Robin Williams, you know, I just started to understand that, but for me it was Kate Spade.

That was the most defining. I wrote about that because when I heard that, I was shocked. Kate Spade died of suicide? What? And I mean, I have her little purses. I have Kate Spade little dresses. She's Kate Spade. And so, and look, she had David Spade as her brother-in-law to make her laugh all the time.

But they're deemed. that we all bat, or some of us battle, so dark. So that was my defining moment, was Kate Spade. And a comedian called Gary Gilman, he started, it was called the Depression instead of depression, his stand-up. So making jokes about, you know, the things that come along with taking medicine, you know, all the symptoms.

He's like, oh, and he would make jokes about it. Like laying on a floor is real, you know, when they say you can't have, you know, sex or do something. certain things. He goes, I'm really feeling real ready to get it on now. You know, and so he made me realize, wait, I could take this and really have fun with it. And so it was the comedy and Kate Spade. Yeah. It's, I just bring it up because I, I really hope people realize, no matter how dark things get, that there's probably people that have gone through more than us. And I think that that's what your book points out. And it points out, not only are there people that go through more

difficult times than the ones we have, but there's ways out of it, and there's multiple ways out of it. And there's, if you can just find somebody that you respect and like, you use Kate Spade, for an example, and think to yourself, like, wow, if this girl has problems, and maybe it's possible that I have some problems like that. Yep. And the younger, you know, now you have celebrities talking out for the first time, whether it's Davidson, who I have borderline with, or it's Demi Lovato, or all of, or Carson Galey, Like all of these people now, Adele and celebrities are saying, you know what, I'm not okay. I need to take time off for my mental health.

And I love that. When Justin Bieber, I don't love that he's taking time off. But to say, I need to take care of myself before I can perform. Because if we're not okay, we can't take care of anything else. So the conversation is really opening up. And I think people seeing Lizzo talking about her dance therapy, it's making people. realize they're not alone. What do you think, Marney, about an individual?

Like, let's say that they're not a celebrity. Like, let's just say it's Marnie or it's George. Do you think healing ourselves makes the world a better place? Yes, because when we put out there, when the minute you step out that door, you don't realize how far a smile can go. There is somebody that, my daughter, we were in the city in New York this summer, and she said to me, how come you say hi to everybody?

I go, because it might be the only smile that they get. Nobody walks by the dormant and says, hi, and they smile and they're so happy. So you're making someone else's day. Now they go home and they're smiling for their family. So it's a trickle effect. It's just, oh, there needs to be sprinkle kindness like confetti. We need it. You know?

I know. I'm going to give you an affirmation of the day now. Every morning I'm going to email you something. Please. Yeah. I love it. That would be so awesome. I feel like we're kindred spirits in so many ways.

I do the same thing. I really try to talk to as many people as I can. And you can learn so much. And you realize how connected you are to people when you just begin. And I think that initial conversation, whether it's a hello or a how are you, that initial introduction really breaks down a lot of barriers and grounds you out there. And I bet you have found this too. So many times, like I will be kind of down and out, but I still try to say something. Hey, how's it going? And then, that person will say something nice to me that cheers me up. It's like a boomerang in a way. How many times do you say to people, oh, I needed to hear that today or I'm standing in line with the supermarket and I end up starting laughing with the lady and I'm like, wow, I really needed to see you today. Thank you. So it works. It's so easy. You don't have to agree with people. You don't have to believe in anything, but you don't have to go out of your way. You know, I never write like Yelp reviews because if like I get a waitress who's rude, who knows what she's going through, you know.

So I wouldn't want to ruin somebody's business just because they're having a bad day, which a lot of us do. But I just want to make one thing, like when I tell people to find peace and find the happiness and gratitude, of course, feel your emotions. You have every right to be angry and mad and everything, but I tell people don't stay there. Get it out. Empty, bang your head against the wall, against a tree, but don't stay in that place. So empty, get it out and let your family know.

It's not you. take a time, whatever you have to do, but don't stay in that dark place. It just, you will dwindle down. I did it. That one day in bed became one week, became one month, became months. And I just, like a little burr cracking out of its egg, its shell. And I got to, I believe God gave me a do-over in life. Because I have the healthy mind today, and I'm able to do everything, like my rebirth,

like I wanted to do years ago. Yeah, there's, you know, Do you, have you, I find a lot of comfort in like mythology. And I think of like the, the hero's journey. Like, are you okay on time? I talk a lot. I thought I'm during thunder. I'm like, is it right now?

Okay. So when I think about mythology, I think about like the hero's journey. And it's about this idea of a man or a woman being out in the world. And then they're called to action. Like, oh, I should do this thing. But then they kind of get beat down. and they get down on themselves and they don't do it and then they meet a mentor. And the ideas of mythology have really spoken to me about life and about making your way through

difficult times, like walking through the fire or all of a sudden when you're ready, the teachers show up. There's all these sort of affirmations that happen. But a lot of them point to connectedness. And I'm wondering in today's world of COVID and today's world of Zoom meetings and going through the things that you went through in your life, how big of a role does connectedness play? Like we were just talking about speaking to a stranger. Maybe that comes from our lives being alone sometimes or feeling alone or all alone.

What role do you think connectedness plays in the form of depression or not being depressed? You know, there is something 9-88 that came out last month, which is the 911 for mental health conditions. So when I was having breakdowns or something, my family would say, we're going to call the police and shame me. Now they have 9-88. And in the one month, the 150,000

people that have called, they didn't have to send a mobile crisis out because all they needed was that compassionate person on the other end to talk to. That's all they needed. So I hear that statistic and I think that's so sad, but then I think that's freaking amazing. Because I didn't have 980 to talk to.

I suffered by myself. So these people that have had a compassionate person on the end of that phone saved their lives. So when you find that one person you can speak to, whoever it is, even if it's your pet or whatever, it does something. It just, you feel you're not alone. I'm like listening to when you said you have ADHD as well. We understand that rapid thinking or that all or nothing or the impulsivity. and everything, like we get it. And so it's like comforting, like now going, hey, I'm not alone.

You're open about it. So thank you because I'm not the only person with ADHD in this world. And so opening that conversation, for me, it's been great when I talk to other people that they've gone through what I've gone through. And you don't feel alone. And that's been healing for me is being able to talk about it with a stranger, somebody that I met in a group or on Facebook or whatever it may be. Yeah, it's so rewarding because not only can you talk to that person,

but you can third, like, I feel I can understand that person in their speech patterns because they tend to jump around like me, which means, oh, they probably think like me, so they probably don't think I'm a weirdo because I'm talking like this where so many people I meet are like, you don't understand what the hell you're saying, George. You're all over the board, man. I know, me telling a story. It's like, I'll talk a story, then I'll get, I'll, I'll say I was in Miami Beach.

Oh, you know what happened in Miami Beach? I was like, oh, wait, wait, okay, let me go back to that. So I am a, I'm like a roadblock of telling a story. But I did in my episode on my podcast this week, it's coming out tomorrow, that it makes it extra hard for me and that much more focused doing interviews like this, and I'm even more on top of my game where I don't get distracted. And so I'm even proud of myself for that,

because when I first started doing this and talking, the poor, I was on live radio and they had like a four minute segment. That was me just introduced me and setting up the scenario. So I had to learn. I'm still learning how to modify and not be all over the place. And it's, but we're all different. We're all wired differently. And there's nothing to be ashamed of.

And it's helped me, actually. Yeah. For 47 years, not knowing the severity of what I have gone through, I'm glad it protected my brain for so long in a weird, very, very weird kind of way. Because if I would have known, maybe I would have been angrier my whole life. I mean, once I took Adderall, and that's just not medication for everybody, but for me, it was like the Claritin commercial.

Everything started, well, it's not foggy anymore. And then I was like, damn, this is what's been going on, and this is how my house is, and the way my husband and I spoke to one another. It was just horrible. And then that's when the anger and the meltdown and everything happened. So again, I'm so grateful it did because I was able to put myself back together. I used to say Humpty Dumpty. I'm the big disco ball.

Disco ball, not Humpty Dumpty. That's interesting to me. Can I ask like what age did you start getting therapy? I didn't start going for therapy until my 40s. I went my entire life. I think back, how did anybody when I was 14 not notice my papers everywhere? I didn't stop talking in class. But it was your typical little bit.

boy, ADHD, put them on Ritalin. Nobody, women and girls really went under the radar. I never went through therapy. But everything I had in my life, all of the way I responded and reacted were because of these traumatic experiences unheeled, which put me in this explosion of my life all the time and not knowing how to handle things and losing my mind. And when I went for therapy and found out what I had, oh, okay, now this means. make sense. And life, again, is not perfect, but I am at peace knowing everything ends up

the way it's supposed to because I love being right here right now. Yeah, in some ways, it's nice to look back and be like, oh, there was a reason for that. And in some ways, it gets, I think you get to put a W in the column. You get to win because you've created your own therapy, your own strategies. And some of them probably weren't real great. But the fact that you came up with strategies and ways of dealing with situations, I think it goes a long way to explain the beauty of your life. And, you know, sometimes beauty can be dangerous or beauty can be difficult, but it's still beautiful. Yes. You know, my dog's toy, I'm sorry, I'm just listening to my dogs, I'm sorry, I'm just listening to my dog's spiral down. He's a 65 pound nine-month-old puppy. Huge. So he just thinks he's a

big baby and everything. You know, it's, it's funny. I was talking about my daughter before and with college and everything. When I was, I wrote about when I was taking her up for college, I was crying in the passenger seat the whole time. 2018, my marriage was horrible. I was recently diagnosed. I was angry, but she just graduated and I call them full circle moments, those aha moments because I drove home from college laughing with her after she graduated. So everything in life comes full circle. We don't realize it at that moment, but when you do, those moments,

I call them, I come full circle. Oh, that makes sense why that happened, because it fleece me here or there. When talking about college, these girls, when they don't get into sororities, I watched one a few years ago. She thought her, like, she was going to have, I mean, she was hysterical in the street

because she was not accepted into such, such a such sorority. I said to her that, one, please don't let that define you because it doesn't make who you are. I can't go on. And it was just, you know, chill. But, you know, the extremes that these kids take their emotions to. And it's, I'm glad that I'm able to help.

That's all. I'm glad I'm able to help. I was going back to when I was younger. And that was the demographic. I wanted to help these young 17, 18, 19-year-old girls. And now I realize I need to go even. younger and really help the world is what I want to do is help the world know you're human for being not okay.

That sounds like a full circle moment and like, you know, when you can tell the young girl, like, look, don't define yourself on this. You know, you can reach back to some of the things that not only happened to you, but how you felt at that moment. And you can only then can, when you look back at a time in your life that was difficult and real, like, it may seem silly to you or to them, But when you can look back and be like, gosh, I let that thing define me back then. And I wish I wouldn't have because it would have been 10 years ahead.

It's those experiences that you draw from that really give you the ability to help people see the things in their life. You know what I mean by that? Like if you can draw from this experience in your life, then you can dust it off and polish it and show somebody else. Hey, here's an example of why you shouldn't do that. I think there's a lot of growth there. It is. I used to talk about like on episode, I did a few episodes ago that in my neighborhood, every Friday night, this couple would have like their happy hour parties. And they would post them on Facebook. And I'm like, they're not the only people having happy hours. Other people are having fun. But they would post it. And oh, they're the cool people. And when I was not invited, it was like earth shattering. And then to make it worse, the girl had surgery. So I sent her a sushi bass, a sushi vote. and it was for pickup and the restaurant called me said, you know, it was home and they never picked up their sushi boat.

I'm like, that's odd. They picked it up a few days later for their happy hour, modified the order, and never invited me. And that's when I realized, okay, I got to stop chasing and doing things for this validation to get people to like me. I laugh at it now how ridiculous it was. But at the time, it hurt me, Whether you're 14 in middle school or an adult in the neighborhood,

you know, it hurt. But I only had the power to allow it to hurt me or not hurt me. And once I got over that, now I laugh about it. But that's how I lived for so long. And I used to take everything personally and allow that to be the way I was feeling and allow it to control my emotions. And it's ridiculous now. How I keep going back to self-love and how everything

in my life was done. I guess when I heard somebody say, are you doing this for your soul or your ego? That was engaging for me. That I just realized. Every Facebook post I had done, I realized most were for my ego, not my soul.

And now anything I do is always for my soul, never for my ego. You know, this brings me up to a point. Like, have you ever taken psychedelics? Um, is that the ketamines now?

the ketamine treatment because I'm having an appointment next week to talk about it. Oh, you're going to love it. I really think that, like, I myself have never done ketamine, but I have taken psilocybin. And I think, you know, we've got to be careful about using particular substances like a panacea as a cure all. However, I think that the world of psychedelics is fundamentally changing the world we live in. I think it's opening up people to ideas and helping people, you know, the things that the traumatic experiences you went through. If you could have integrated them earlier, you could have been further along in your life, but it's so difficult for a young woman or a young man to integrate things like that because there's no, there's no book.

There's no, well, actually there's a book now. It's called Peace, Love, and Marnie. Right. There's a book now. However, the idea of psychedelics as a therapy to help people process traumatic experiences or traumatic injury or PTSD like you have, these ideas about psychedelics are really helping rewire the brain. And I'm curious, if you don't mind me asking, what was it that made you look for ketamine

or look for the psychedelic experience? Because I think I'd become a little bit immune to my medication. I don't want to have to be on medication my entire life. The few days that I wasn't able to get a prescription and I was off of it, I had to go to the emergency room. I was so sick. So having to be dependent upon it my whole life, I don't want to be if I don't have to be. So these other treatments I'm reading about, like I can't wait to learn about the brain wave one

because my brain is probably all one color. There's probably no shade of anything. They're going to be like, wait, doctors, you've got to come run. and see this brain. So I have a science experiment for them. You know, I just, personal therapy route. It's just I need to save more options for me now than there were, I think, ever. So I, with somebody with major trauma, PTSD, I want to try anything that can help my mind

and get rid of any depression or anxiety that I live with daily. It's totally going to hope you so much more. It's going to be, this is just my analysis, but I feel when you take, when you begin the psychedelic therapy, it's going to do for you this time what Adderall did for you the last time. The thing, the problem with Adderall, I guarantee it. Like, I know because I've done it. And the problem with Adderall or Modafin or Ritalin is that it's, it just changes masters in some way. It does so good.

Like, I agree 100% of fundamentally changes the way you think. think. However, it does force you to be reliant on it the same way that a relationship. You were reliant on that on your first husband like, hey, thanks for giving me room and board. Hey, Adderall, thanks for letting me see clear. But you're still dependent on it. Damn. Yeah. It's this dependency that breeds resentment. You know what I mean by that? Like, damn, I got to take this damn thing. I love it and it helps me and I feel good. But I still, there's still this flake of dependency that's there. For me, the psychedelic therapy was like, it was the next revelation in understanding for me.

It was like another peak of clarity. Oh, I get it. And the way it was explained to me is that, you know, when you go skiing, like, let's say you go skiing and you get on the chairlift and you get fresh tracks. That's the first time that that little track is made. But throughout the day, that track becomes deeper and deeper and deeper. And so too is that the way our brain moves. Like the thoughts you think become habits. And the habits become something you do every day.

And like that's how our brain, that's like the little grooves in the white matter. It becomes super deep and super thick. And pretty soon that's the natural pathway you begin thinking. And so what psychedelics do is they turn off what's called the default mode network. So they stop the chairlift and they allow new paths, new neural pathways to be cut. And it allows you to process different information in different parts of your brain. And for people like us who have built these walls in our brain, like there's certain no-go areas that maybe our brain needed to go there, but we've found a way to rewire it to come over here or a long way around or the long way home. And the psychedelic therapy from what I have read in my personal experience is that it fundamentally changes the way we process information in our lives.

And when you do that, you can see the world differently. you're going to have such an amazing experience. I'm really, and that's why I asked. I kind of knew I could tell by the way you were talking, like, I wonder if she's thought about this, but I'm excited for you. And I hope that maybe we should, first off,

I hope we can continue to keep in touch, but we should do another one after the therapy to talk about what it was like and maybe help people. Oh, well, you took the words right out of my mouth, Milo. I would love that because now we can start something, people that are listening, watching, okay, let's see how our journey went. This is a great thing.

This is episode one of many more of the Marni modifications that we're going to make or whatever. Yeah, I think it's just another branch of what you're doing. I mean, you've got a book. You have your own successful podcast. And, you know, it seems to me that we're building a network. Like all these people that come into our lives become this network of change that other.

people could tune into for a minute, an hour, or maybe a series of podcast together. And I, I love it. I love talking to people and developing relationships with them that help other people. Do you know what you? I always say hurt people hurt, but healed people heal. Yeah. So there's a flip side to everything. Yeah, you have that. But I love the people that have gone through stuff. We're in this separate little club and we get it. And we are the people that are the healers needed. of the world today, I believe. And we've gone through things that typical people are, it's unimaginable to them. And I love that we have this bond of universe.

We speak butterfly, not caterpillar. I like to say that I love that you like my answer. They're super awesome. Right? I speak butterfly. I don't speak caterpillar. And that is something that we're in that little group of. Yeah, it reminds me.

I use a similar one. There's, and it's, I think it's, there's almost such a spiritual nature to it. You know, we've talked about rebirth. And when you talk about butterflies and caterpillars, there's a passage from the Bhagavad Gita that talks about just like a silkworm spins its web and gets caught in it. So too do we spin our web and our, and get caught in it. And if you think about that, you think about the words you use and the experiences you live in your life that you go through. they encompass you and they build this cocoon around you.

And pretty soon you're so encompassed by your ideas and your thoughts and your relationships that you're not really interacting with the real world. You're only interacting with this world that you've built around you and sometimes toxic, sometimes not so toxic. But the idea of breaking free from that chrysalis, breaking free from that cocoon as a new form, as a new Mari, as a new and improved Mari that had to go through this transformation from Caterpillar to butterfly.

Then you emerge as a new form the same way. We've all seen the videos of a butterfly beginning to emerge from a cocoon, but still went with the transformation that is this new life it's become. It's trying to flap its wing and it's not understanding it can fly, but it can. And like that's the way I see our lives.

That's the way I see the world emerging right now through COVID. Is that a new form is emerging? And it's imperative. Just like childbirth, there's a real chance that child could die. So too is it possible that all these great things we're seeing in our life can die. So it's up to people like us. And it's up to every one of us to be the best that we can be,

regardless of the tragedy that you've gone through. And that's why I think your book is so inspiring. It gives people the courage to go through their life and face the demons they have. Listen, if Marnie has the courage to write about these things in her life that were so difficult for her to. process that were so challenging that most people would give up on. So too can you do it. And I love the butterfly caterpillar analogy. And I love the book. And I really hope people will go out of their way to read it, but not just read it, but to learn from it. And yeah, that's why I did the questions after each chapter. You know, everything comes full circle. And you ask and I, and I just love how

there's hope with everything that you're reading, just when you think I'm going to be okay. something else happens. But it gives you hope that, wow, she kept picking herself back up again and picked yourself back up again. And going through that evolving from the caterpillar to the butterfly, there's a lot of goo.

It's not just emerging. Yeah. Goop and growing and struggling and internal. But when you set yourself free from that goop of caterpillar, it's just, it's wonderful. It really, it's just this feeling of, like you say that weight lifted off of and everything.

It's really just a, it's just a peaceful way to live because we only have, again, one life to live. We don't have a dress rehearsal. I'd rather take my moments and fill them with peace. Again, that doesn't mean entertainment all the time. Right. No negativity. If I can, if I call someone and I'm like, hi, and they're like, oh, hey, I'm like, okay,

I'll see you later because I don't want your negativity. So I avoid, because it's contagious. It's like you put a bad fruit next to a good fruit. The other fruit is going to get bad. So there are people even with my children. I don't like their moods and their energy sometimes. I'm like, I'm not vibing. And I remove myself to protect myself.

And the last thing that I can say was my biggest healer was the pause before my reaction. Because the minute you react right there. So now I pause. And it's very hard because we're all instinctively to want to. react to things. I don't allow myself to react anymore because that took me and I would just say something, what? And then now I just come. Now I'll answer. And I'm able to now not bring so much more negativity that's not warranted or shouldn't be there. I listen. I don't assume. So it's really just learning about yourself, I guess. It's a lot of life. I'm still learning about myself.

I can't. Yeah. to learn, but yeah. That's what makes you awesome is the fact that you continue to learn. Sometimes we get to a point where we think we know stuff. And when you think you know everything, you might as well be dead because you're not living anymore. You're not experimenting and you're not trying anymore. Can I ask you like, when you go to that pause, like knowing that you used to have a habit

of reaction, which I think we all do, you know, what goes through your mind in that pause? Do you have some affirmations that go through your mind? Or are you just, is it just a pure disconnect? Like what goes through your mind when you take that silent pause? Pure disconnect. Pure disconnect. Lately, you know, my daughter, who went off of her medication. And so I am, she's switching doctors and getting back on her medication.

So when I'm around her and her answers to me are not nice sometimes. She's not aware of how she sounds. And I paused when she'll be like, what do you want for me? Or whatever she says in a very harsh way, instead of me yelling at her, I'm just like, just breathe, just walk away. And I talk myself through it. And I just don't even listen. But it was hurting me, you know, throughout the summer because I'm being the recipient of

what she's feeling internally. She was spewing it out at me. And I understood where it was coming from, switching doctors, switching medication. but I didn't want to be around it. So I had to remove myself from my daughter, not to, and again, because I didn't want to react. It was much easier leaving the situation, going outside, leaving the room rather than sitting there and engaging. Because then it's just intensifying more toxic. So I just, I talk myself through it.

Just walk away. Don't answer. It's not worth it. It's interesting to me. I, you know, my daughter. It's such an amazing moment. I'm so lucky. And I think both parents, as parents were like,

oh, we have the best daughter. We have the best kids. We're so lucky. However, I, I, my daughter is, she's nine. She's about to be nine. And I don't know what the future holds as far as me explaining to her about the relationship with my parents. You know, and I never really got to know until I was older,

the relationship my mom had with her mom or understand a little bit. And I'm curious, does your daughter thoroughly understand the relationship that you had with your mother? As she's gotten older, she's understanding it because she's still very protective. She would be protective because I did not take the relationship away for my children to be with my mother. She may not have been a good mother, but she loves my children more than anything. Hershey stopped.

So Taylor, but she used to protect my mother. And now when she's older and she hears things, she was like, you know what? You weren't so off. You know, so she's understanding that the things I used to say or why I would act the way I would act, now she understands. Oh, you had that kind of trauma or you went through that. So through maturity, she's been able to understand more and not resent me as much. Because I think there went through a point where my daughter resented me a little bit. When I couldn't get out of bed, the dog walker just dropped him off.

So I apologize. That's all right. Minor, minor, when I would compare, when I went to a depression and I didn't, and I missed my daughter's last cheer game, things where I wasn't her mom anymore became, she resented that a little bit. And we went to therapy together. Hershey, nobody's here. We went to therapy together, and it's still growing because I, my, me being unheeled internally hurt my children. Like I would judge my daughter. She gained a few pounds.

It was horrible. I was becoming my mother. I mean, she's a good girl, straight-a student, went to university of Florida, and I'm asking her, why didn't she take a club like her friend Molly? So it was, it was just, it's just healing. All of us have so much to heal. We don't even realize it. On the news today, actually, the Today Show, there was somebody saying they're going to start mandating.

I think people's being screened for anxiety under 65. So many people don't realize whether it's finger tapping, whether it's excessive, I mean, it's across the board, the symptoms. But people are having it and not understanding where those triggers are coming from. So now the conversation about it is opening up. And I love it because I love it. I speak fluent mental health. Fluent.

I can speak fluent, all of this. And I love that the world now was starting to understand a little bit better. And we'll read my book for reference. Yes. The book is awesome. And I can hold it up against so people can see it. Of course, of course.

Okay, everybody. The book is called True to Myself, Peace, Love, and Marnie. And I promise you, if you get it, you're probably going to, you'll probably cry. You'll probably laugh. But I hope that you want. that you walk away from it knowing that you can become a better version of yourself because I think that that's the underlying theme in there.

Yes, it is. And I have said to people, I'll give you $10,000 cash. If you read my book and you don't come out of it appreciating and having gratitude for your own life, now one person has called me on that challenge yet. I challenge any single person to read this book and not realize, wow. You know, some of us really don't realize how good we have. have it in life and appreciate the basic fundamentals of like family, friends, a home, simple things that I was, I was deprived of.

Yeah. It comes down to loving yourself and having the courage to change. And it's inspiring, Marney. I'm really glad that we have had our conversation today. And I'm glad we're going to have more of them too, you know. And it's nice to get to talk to somebody who's, has the courage to be themselves and talk about whatever people want to talk about. Do you have like a, can you tell me about like your coaching?

Like how can people find you or where would people look to find you? On my website, piecelovemarnie.com. I have, you could set up a 15 minute consultation for free. And people ask, what does a spiritual life coach do? And I talk, I'm like a motivational, inspirational storyteller. Somebody could tell me where they are in their life, their path. and I just help them find peace and they understand when they leave me, this is where I'm supposed to be. I get it now.

We need to communicate better. Or I know this is where this is supposed to happen. Now I get that silver lining. So people find a sense of, okay, I get it now. This is what's going on with my life. I'm where I'm supposed to be. And it doesn't matter who you are. I could talk to a five-year-old boy or an eight-year-old woman and I can relate across the board.

So I was gifted at the school of Hard Knocks, the valedictorian, the dean of the whole schools. But you know what? Look what it gave me. I am able now in a position to help. That's all I want to do is help people be the best versions of them and never have to suffer this much of what I bought through. And what if do you have a mailing list? Like let's say that other people hear this and want to get their their mourning marnie aphorisms. Do you have a mailing list or?

Well, I'm glad you asked because it's been a very difficult, you know, me doing this 100% where I am now. And that has been on my request because I do need a mailing list, you know, putting together my website. And I just am now doing all of that. But there is a place on my website for people to sign up so I can start sending out my Marney Monday, Marnivations. I call them Marnivations and my words of wisdom. But definitely sign up. It's going to be a newsletter coming out. I love when people schedule the 15 minutes because I take it to almost an hour.

And they already have their session right there. But I bring people like they laugh and they giggle and they love my energy. And I don't take myself seriously. And I just laugh at myself. Otherwise, I don't know. I just, I know I am here for a very special reason, a purpose greater than I could have ever imagined. I think it's so awesome to make yourself available to help people. And I hope more people do it.

And I'm thankful that you're doing it. And do you have any things coming up? Like, I'm sure you're going to be on some other podcasts and stuff like that. But do you have any other engagements coming up that you want to point people towards? Well, I am going to have, you know, a huge shift. Mark and Ryan, who I hire, who I adore. You know, now I just started doing news interviews and media and stuff. I'm just now going to be doing things and my calendar is going to be, I guess, busier.

But I am putting together different, like our workshops on how to handle anxiety. Do you come from a toxic mother, different things like that, which will be on my website and people I will do, I want to do webinars. I realize now, because I was supposed to speak when COVID happened. And I obviously couldn't make my women's luncheon to speak. And then I was not healed in this. So now you are living my story and the arc. You know, I'm right here at the top of it with all my promotional stuff and ready to take this 100%. So believe me, anytime I'm going to do a speaking engagement, I'm going to let you know so you can tell everybody.

Yeah, I'm excited. I think it's a great. And I think that you're just beginning to help the people that you've helped so far while many is just the beginning. Like I really appreciate you telling the story and I really appreciate the book and hold up one more time just so people can see. You know, I really hope people take the time to read. It's a great book and you're a great person and I think you're going to help a lot more people. So thank you for that. Oh, I hope so.

Thank you. I'm thank you for your words. I never looked at myself with it was imposter syndrome. I still have that. And I'm like, someone's like, but you wrote your book and you have your podcast and you speak and just like, yeah. You know, it's like I don't see my, I still see myself as the person that was told you're crazy or lazy or stupid. So I have to remind myself, you know, you're pretty badass, Marnie, you know, look what you're doing. And so I have to remind myself when I hear people say it, like I don't know how to take compliments.

I find word, you know, I don't even, people will compliment me on Facebook and I feel odd writing back. So it's weird. I don't understand it and I'm working through it. But taking compliments are so hard because I was. never told anything positive about myself. So I'm still learning. It keeps you humble, I think. And it's a, I've, I've noticed, too, if I compliment you, you automatically want to

see something nice about me. And like, it's so beautiful in a way. It's like, no, no, no, I'm trying to compliment you. I have to learn to just say thank you. That's what I learned to just say thank you. And then somebody used to say, oh, I love your outfit. Gross, I'm so bloated today. It's self-deprecating.

And it's like, I got to say thank you. And let it go. And it's something I'm learning, which sounds ridiculous. But for me, that's one thing I have to learn is how to take a compliment. It's awesome. I'm glad you are the way that you are. And I think it's refreshing. And I think it's awesome.

And I'm happy to talk to you. So you got anything else you want to show with the audience before we go? No. No, I just can't wait to talk about on our next segment on what happened after the psychedelics. I can't wait to keep in touch with you. And I just want people to just know that just what you think is rejection. It's not. It's just redirecting you.

And everything happens when it's supposed to happen. I wasn't ready two years ago to talk to you a year ago, six months ago. This is when it was supposed to happen for whatever reason. Whoever was scrolling on their computer at that moment is supposed to listen to this. So everything just happens when it's supposed to. And I'm so blessed and grateful I've made another friend because I don't have many in my life. So when I've met people on this journey, it's like, wow, just by being Marney, the right people I've been around. See, being authentic and shoot yourself.

It's so true. It's so true. And that's the, I can't say it enough. We are where we're supposed to be right now. And sometimes it's difficult. And if it's difficult, that just means it's going to be better later. You're doing the work now so that the pathway will be clear in the future. And I really believe it.

And ladies and gentlemen, that's what we got today. Marty, thank you so much. And hang on one second. I'm going to end the broadcast, but I still want to talk to you for a moment. Aloha, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for spending time.