TrueLife - Natalie Goldberg - Wherever You Are, Be All There

Episode Date: June 28, 2023

One on One Video Call W/George https://tidycal.com/georgepmonty/60-minute-meetingSupport the show:https://www.paypal.me/Truelifepodcast?locale.x=en_US🚨🚨Curious about the future of psychedelics? Imagine if Alan Watts started a secret society with Ram Dass and Hunter S. Thompson… now open the door. Use Promocode TRUELIFE for Get 25% off monthly or 30% off the annual plan For the first yearhttps://www.district216.com/http://linkedin.com/in/nataliebgoldbergnataliebordagoldberg.comI'm a nurse and l've seen all types of bodies and illnesses and because we have bloated up on a western diet and pharmaceuticals, mixing those with natural remedies could make a person sick- as much as they are sick when they strip sugar from their diet. Not all body types or histories are the same but everyone deserves the same treatment benefits. So we have to diesect the possibilities in a trial, with all efforts of creating a greatly diverse pool of patient subjects..As nurse turned writer and psychedelic guide, I'm passionate about mental health and wellness. My personal experiences have led me to explore alternative forms of healing, including cannabis and psilocybin. Prior to discovering plant medicines, I completed a degree in Fine Arts. Photographing weddings became short-lived.went on to earn my Nursing degree and worked as a caregiver for children with complex medical needs, then into pediatric psych, finalizing in adult psych. Through my work, I discovered my calling to be a guide to others, whether as a nurse or as a friend.Recently, I've shifted my focus to writing about the benefits of cannabis and psychedelics, and have been published in the esteemed publication, Psychedelic Support.As a health promoter, I'm dedicated to helping others explore the potential of these transformative medicines, especially in the context of mental health and trauma.Please check out my website where I carry on with terrible marketing, yet with genuine desire to help. Thanks for reading all this!nataliebordagoldberg.comP.s. if I appear pedantic, it is not coming from a place of extreme confidence, believe me, rather, a place of so much love and neurodivergence. Thank you! One on One Video call W/George https://tidycal.com/georgepmonty/60-minute-meetingSupport the show:https://www.paypal.me/Truelifepodcast?locale.x=en_USCheck out our YouTube:https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPzfOaFtA1hF8UhnuvOQnTgKcIYPI9Ni9&si=Jgg9ATGwzhzdmjkg

Darkness struck, a gut-punched theft, Sun ripped away, her health bereft. I roar at the void. This ain't just fate, a cosmic scam I spit my hate. The games rigged tight, shadows deal, blood on their hands, I'll never kneel. Yet in the rage, a crack ignites, occulted sparks cut through the nights. The scars my key, hermetic and stark. To see, to rise, I hunt in the dark, fumbling, fear. Heirous through ruins maze, lights my war cry, born from the blaze.

The poem is Angels with Rifles. The track, I Am Sorrow, I Am Lust by Codex Serafini. Check out the entire song at the end of the cast. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the True Life podcast. I'm so stoked to get to talk to everybody today. We have an incredible guest, Natalie Goldberg. She's a nurse, a writer, a photographer, a psychedelic guide, contributing writer for the psychedelic support. As a nurse, she has familiarized herself with all types of bodies, illness stemming from the bloated Western diet to pharmaceuticals to stress to PTSD.

She's well versed in the pediatric psychology as well as the psychological devastations that happened to us in adulthood. As of recently, she has shifted her focus to writing about the benefits of cannabis and psychedelics and has some recent publications in the esteemed journal Psychedelic Support. Natalie, so stoked you're here today. How are you feeling? I'm pumped and nervous as hell. Good. That's a good thing. It just means you're prepared to talk about it today. Yeah, yeah. I'm, so what I wanted to talk about, I thought about it all week, is self-healing.

Okay. Because it's positive and I'm on that level now. I just, like I, yes, I come from trauma, but it's just so negative. That's all right. I mean, that's probably how you got good at self-healing. It's like you learn techniques to heal yourself. And then that is like the first stage of translating it to helping other people, right? Yeah, exactly.

Like, I have learned coping mechanisms just from psych. Because in preceptor, my preceptor choice in nursing school was psych. And everybody else was like labor and delivery and stuff like that. So I've just always been into psych. And so I've only been a nurse for 10 years before that. You know, I did all that stuff you said. So I finally realized that I've been running around just like, okay, I went to UF for photography. but I wanted to quit and do, well, originally I was going to do photojournalism, so I accidentally got into art, art, fine art, and I'm like, this is not what I wanted to do.

So everybody was doing critiques with naked photos, and now that's not me. So I messed up there, but I saw the school of psychology, and it was just so gorgeous, and I just, I was always so in love, and my dad's like, no, Natty, just finished what he started, and so I did. And so I have a photo degree that I'm paying for. Anyway, so Sykes always been like my thing. And when I fast forward to last year when I started my awakening, I guess, sorry I'm fidgety. Not at all. It's perfect. I haven't ever had an all lot.

I've been live that one time, but now I'm so nervous. I had no idea I was this nervous. But okay. So, so yeah. When I got into psychedelics, I'll just say that and started my awakening, Ram Dass was given to me, suggested to me by friends. So I was like, okay, this is so cool because he started it as Richard Alpert. And so he was a clinical psychologist.

So he was like, oh, in his story, he's like, I was like, oh, yeah, I know everything. I know all about the psych stuff, but I didn't. And I'm like, I didn't. I don't. So that was, I was able to connect with him and his story that way because of psych. And so now, fast forward to today, it's just absurd what's happened because I kept pushing through all the hard stuff. But I'm sorry. See, I'm very ADHD.

So you have to stop me if you want this to go anywhere? No, I want to know exactly what it is. I mean, like you've found your way into psychedelics, but it sounds to me like you didn't quit anything. I think that like being involved in photography, in images, and artwork is the steps you need to take for you before you got involved in psychology. And that was a step you needed to take before you could become the nurse that you are to take.

Those things are all connected. You know what I mean? Like they're all beautiful and beneficial for the, purple for the people that you're helping ah you're so nice i i'm so used to hiding behind the camera the patient the doctor right right it's tricky to be out in front huh yeah but it gives you a new perspective and love for the people now now you're on the other side so now you have a new way to look at it it's you know what the yeah it's okay so to classify me in terms to people who don't do psychedelics and we will go ahead and use matrix terms and i'm i'm i'm the

family scapegoat kind of a thing. So I had to work through all those, all those shadows. I'm still working through shadow work with my mother. That's the tail end of it. They waited for the cherry on top. The universe waited. See, woo-woo talk, just to clarify, I'm going to go full-fledged talk, Woo-woo, because.

Beautiful. I'm just, I'm tired of censorship because I accept that my reputation is because I was a nurse and I did everything right and I was a pediatric nurse before I was a psychiatric nurse for adults and then went to cannabis after that. It was perfect. But like I have been for a year trying to get nursing jobs and they immediately say no thanks and I know it's because of my LinkedIn and I'm like, you know what, I'm just okay, I'll just accept it that society's not ready for this, I know how it's healed me. So if I'm being thrusted out of health care, then I'll just talk how I want to talk,

because it's been rejection after rejection anyway. So in my last nursing job, it was just not, it wasn't, it was, it was the, it was such a bad situation that it was the, the best story for me to end nursing for a while. Like, I was bullied and all that. Yeah. I was driving an hour plus over like bridge waters and just because Florida's, you know, water. So I'm like, why am I doing this? Yeah.

So that's when I came home and I left bad relationship, left apartment and just came home to mom and quit working. And I was like, I don't have money for a therapist. So that's how I decided, well, I've been. researching this for years as for fun. Yeah. Like at first it was just like, oh, I really like psychiatric diagnoses and I like schizophrenia and I would watch all those videos and stuff. But everything had a reasoning for why this happened and that happened.

So I just started to get bored with psych and then all of a sudden I met somebody when I was all alone in Missouri, in the middle of nowhere. no friends or family trying to make a new life out of myself. Like I have been every decade of my life. Yeah, yeah. So, because of the trauma. So I was there and then I was like, I made friends online with a crazy guy. That was my, I was like, oh my God, he's talking about aliens. And so he talks about talking to aliens. And so I, I was judgy and opinionated and I couldn't get enough. I just kept listening to his stories. And so, um,

as I kept listening, I realized how therapeutic it was for him. He was just getting better every time I talked to him. Yeah. So then I was like, I got to do this someday. I got to do this someday. It never happened. I was in 2017 and then 2020, it was just ripe time, right? So they fell into my life.

And I was like, here I go. I'm going to just see some cool stuff. and I did. Yeah. Amazing stuff. But I didn't know what I was in for. It was 2020. Now it's 2023.

So it's three years and I'm able to accept so much that I couldn't, I could never have accepted in 2020. I am completely changed. And that's what I want to kind of, what my message is, why I would talk about myself for so long is so that. For people who might be classified neurotic as like me and nervous and just ADHD and all that, if you could see that I actually like myself and that I'm okay with all these weird things about me. And I got here because of not just the psychedelics, but the therapy that I got from therapists, friends, messages from the universe.

Yeah, totally. So I say therapist friends first because I'm a nurse and, you know, everybody's got to be correct and all that. But in my heart, it's like I journaled and found out that crap first. It's like then talked about it with their, I journaled and I drew and I sang songs to myself that would come up out of nowhere. And I'm like, oh my God, that's a mess. you know, just the lyrics. So you can, a psychiatrist would say

that's because of this or that, but, so I understand those concepts, but now they, they don't speak to me the way it does when you imagine that you could be possibly talking to the consciousness that we all share.

Like, if you can just believe that's what it is. So, I'm starting to get all fuzzy with this heat. It is toast day. Yeah. Yeah, 90 degrees out there in Tampa. But you know what? Like, I'm so glad that you said that the way you did because I truly believe that the ability, we all have the ability to begin becoming the best versions of ourselves.

And sometimes we're so judgmental on like the path that we took or I know for me growing up, like, I grew up in like a, I grew up as like truck driving royalty. I grew up on a truck yard and like, you know, a bunch of my cousins, you know, and uncles and aunts. like I always said that we put the fun and dysfunction. You know, we were just a crazy redneck sort of truck driving family, but also in that family, there's a whole host of genius, you know, that like I have uncles that never even graduated like high school, but became multi-millionaires. You know, and it's just fascinating to try and look at your family

and then look at this weird plastic world that were shown through media. Like, oh, this is how it's supposed to be, but that's all bullshit. It's really like how you're, family is how you were brought up and how everyone has their individual story about being brought up. Like that's a way better identifier of true reality than anything you see on TV. Instead of this plastic idea of how people should look, how people should seem, jobs you should have, money you should have. Like that is all bullshit.

Well, yeah, go ahead. Well, that's what I feel. Like, well, okay, so I don't, I don't, okay, I'm offensive because of what I feel. and believe now, but this is, hear me out. Yeah. I grew up in a Latin family. Um, and how do I say all this live? So basically, there are cultural aspects to any, any culture, but these aspects are carried over ignorantly and need to be dismantled. So basically, like, just to be honest, I'm sitting here self-conscious about my fat arms and my, you know, my stretch marks because of the shame that was brought on to me from

Latin culture. If you look at Telemundo or Univision, if you watch the news or whatever, like, it is arousing to me. These women wear, they wear like the tightest clothes. And, you know, it's just, it's always made me nervous. Like, I'm nervous. I have all that shame still that I got shadow work that I got to work through with more meditation and more, you know, journal work. But, yeah.

So that's what I don't like, what I've learned with psychedelics. What I've been, I have so much, so many different insights now and perceptions. Yeah. that when I sit, like living at home with mom, I am respectful and I still, I still work around her routine, which is horrible for me. Because, you know, it's hard to watch novellas for dinner, but I'll do it and I will, depending on, you know, how far away I might have microtosed or whatever, I can have fun with it and stuff. And a lot of time, it's just ridiculous to me because it's just a lot of vanity. And so that's why I'm like, I don't like that part of the culture. I like the food.

I like the religious stuff, but it's like the religious stuff gets used against everybody. And, oh, God, I had horrible nightmares having to get ready to go to Catholic Church. Nothing even happened to me in Catholic Church because it happened here before I got there. So it's just like, okay, I'll wear the freaking stocking. and whatever. So don't show this and don't show that and don't be too sexy and all that. So I'm afraid of all those things still. So I'm working through that, but it's okay to talk about now because, I mean,

these are aspects of everybody's insecurities. And that's why people can't get together because they have all these insecurities. Right. Yeah. I can know, I know, like I know I'm larger than I need to be. But I also know I don't. don't need to be with the guy who said you would look so great if you were just 30 pounds lighter. Like, I don't need to be with that guy.

Right. I didn't know that before much. I mean, psychedelics. Yeah. I don't know what I'm supposed to say or can say. Sorry. Yeah, whatever you want to. You know, I see this pattern developing. And I'm glad the way you laid out the idea of culture and cultural norms and all of this sort

of stigmatization that happens. Because I see people on the forefront. You know, people on the fringes. And those are the people that bring to the surface the uncomfortable nature of the reality around us. And I think that that's what you're doing. And, you know, it may seem to you like, oh, man, I might be a little neurotic and you have all these things. But the truth is, out of everybody in your culture, you're standing up and fighting for something to make things better. And I don't know if you're, like, you should seriously take a little micros and think about that.

because that is exactly what the world needs. It needs people to stand up. They all hate me already, so it's fine. Like, I'm okay to do this. They're like, what is she going to say about me? I'm like, nothing. Like, I know psychiatry, psychology. I know what happened to you, what happened to all of us.

Right. It's just a virus of abuse and narcissism. I mean, it happens in a lot of families. That's why I'm like, I. Most of them, probably. Yeah. We all have trauma from. Like coming out of a birth canal.

Yeah. Nobody ever thinks about that. We're all, we all have to overcome that at some point in youth, but some of us don't, you know, because of traumatic birth. So people don't, people might think that's woo-woo. That's not woo-woo. This is neurology. That the trauma that's exposed to a child, even in pre-birth is very much has a lot to do with the neurology. and makeup when they come out of the womb.

Like when they're, when it's just, and that has a lot to do with how you create your amygdala and personality and emotions. And so trauma starts from the birth canal, like at least. So, anyway,

so the, what were we talking about? Oh my God, I did not want this to happen. No, it's all good. We were talking just about trauma and family. And I want to add to that too,

because, you know, There is something so beautiful about a birth, and I think it's the possibility that life could end at birth. Like my child died, like my child was stillborn. So my first son, Ocean, was still born. And so, you know, I realize that the things that can happen, like a birth is a miracle because there's real death that can happen, whether the mother dies, the child dies or part of you dies when something like that happens. And no one talks about that particular trauma at birth.

You're right. The way in which you were born kind of sets a tone for how you're going to live your life. But more than that, if you want to go all meta and take it from a fractal level, you can look at your life being reborn whenever you decide. Like it seems to me that you have spoken about a death and a rebirth every 10 years. Boom, I'm born into the world of art. You're born into the world of psychology. You're born into the world of nursing.

And now, you know what I mean? And like, if you just begin to look at it like that, all of a sudden these things that we think are traumas are giant success stories where we get reborn into the person we are today right yeah success stories like yeah like people are like don't talk about your trauma because then you you act like a um what you'm gonna call it um oh my god i'm blanking like a like a like a victim your victim yes you victim i use yourself and i'm like no if i'm people talk about it. I'm a survivor. Like, that's how I see it.

Yeah. If I talk about my trauma, the type of kind that it was, which was narcissism trauma with like a lot of abuse, then other people who are so deathly afraid to talk like I am, this is horrifying for me. But because of psychedelics, they're like, you've got to talk. So I'm talking. But it's hard, you know, because I was told not to for my whole life. life. That's why I've written forever. So it's like there's other people out there. So it's like,

okay, I'll do it for them. Yeah. If I can't be a nurse for a whole year and like spread my love that way. Yeah. I'll look like a fool for a bunch of people. They're a hero. It looks like someone standing up having the courage to do it, right? Yeah, it's just, you have no idea this ridiculous stuff I've had to overcome as a child. And I have to speak for myself because no one else is, you know, but I have siblings. And so I've, the change that happened in me a year ago has initiated and ignited a change in my sister. And so she's, I'm happy to say all that because it's like we now understand our abuse, not just from the horrible relationships that that's all we focused on. we were able to go to the beginning and it's like okay and now we're like this instead of like

we were defensive and acting like our parents and their siblings and it was like this is stupid we're smarter than this and so now we have a whole new relationship and life together as friends because we're exploring ourselves through like i have a drawing hanging on my hanging up in my room that I did when I was having an experience one night and she didn't tell me that she also chose to have some of her own experience at night and then what she told me she saw I showed her my drawing. She's like, that's what I saw. So I'm like, so that that's amazing. You know, that's the stuff of like, I believe, I believe we're all collectively connected. And I love her. Yeah. Move on. Anyway. way. We, we just overcame a lot. Yeah, sorry. No, it's, you know, and here's like the crazy

part about it. Like, you would have never overcame that had you not shared that trauma together. Like, you know, that's what I mean. Like, all of a sudden, and maybe it's our age, maybe like, I'm getting, I'm almost 50. And so when I started thinking about having the ability to look back on my life and having psychedelics, like psychedelics gives you this rare ability to not only see yourself as a third person. But, you know, it does allow you to see this tragedy as like, holy shit, man. This thing is, this thing is a gift. I would never be where I am if I didn't have that tragedy.

Yeah, we should just talk about the stuff that we've seen. Like, you want to? Yeah, let's do it. I love it. You know how they're like, don't look in the mirror. Okay, I looked in the mirror hard and for a long time with my eyes glued to my eyes. And I saw my whole, like, lineage of. I've done that before.

I've totally done that exact same thing. It is so crazy. I'm like, I've never seen these people in my life. She's a short little woman and she's a short little woman. And then like my grandmother did the DNA before she died and her, the DNA thingy. And she's like 30% indigenous South American.

Whoa. So I'm, I got to do mine. I was like, I'm not going to do it because that's, you know, I was scared of Matrix stuff. So I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. And it's, I don't know what I'm going to go. Anyway, so yeah, I can have, but then like when people have had experiences with me, they, people that don't know each other have said that they see me in this crazy,

just beautiful, I don't know, like, I don't know. It's, I love being in that state of mind because you realize everyone, when, when we lift off from the BS of this reality, we all shit the same, we all cry the same. Like, our hearts pump and fire off the same. And so it's like when we're up at that level, we don't have genders, we don't have bodies. These are just vehicles.

Like, they don't matter. So it's just love, love, love. And you need that, especially if you didn't get it a lot when you were little. So, like, just to clarify for people who might be like, I'm here, what is she not talking about? When I was, I was neglected to a degree that, you know, unfortunately, the third child born, I was the baby. So, but then like at seven years old, I wasn't the baby anymore. Like, my brother had started his family. So it's like, okay, so mom and dad were all about the major, the son of my family.

my, my, my oldest brother, my sister, and me. So I understand. Like, I, I know I let these things go about, like, I was like, oh, they love Jimmy more, but it was their, the stupid culture, my dad's narcissism, my mom's, you know, whatever, my dad died nine years ago, so it's okay to talk, like, kind of, he can't speak for himself, but everybody kind of knows that I'm not lying. But that's why they didn't want me to talk much. But we survived his craziness.

And I love him so much because I let go of that. And I was able to get down to remember his childhood and what happened. He was a TBI patient. Like I'm realizing nine years after his death that as a nurse, I know what TBI patients go through. And I'm like, wait a minute. Dad's head was like busted three times. Like, oh my God. Like, so I'm starting to give him a lot of leeway now.

Like, oh, I understand. Okay, I get it now because he was fond of me towards the end. He was very fond of me. He died of lung cancer. So smoked, you know, his light away. So life away. I don't know what I'm saying. Sorry, I was looking at lighter.

Anyway. It's interesting. Sometimes the relationships with our loved ones become much better after they die. I know that sounds like a sad thing to say, but I wanted to see a positive life. Yeah, like they never really leave. And your relationships get better

because you can finally begin to understand, like, what happened? He's so proud of me because this whole, the ancestor lineage thing that I had to fight through was the narcissistic man and the beat up woman. And it's like that was the whole thing for... That's a tough. Forever. That's what I was told during an experience.

Yeah. People say, people are like, what are you talking about? Who told you this? I'm like, just go with it. The universe.

The universe. Just leave me alone. So, okay, I'll just go with it. So that's what I was told. I was like, wait,

what? I'm like, and I start journaling. And it's like everyone in your family. And so I was like, oh my God. So yeah. And I saw,

like my grandmother was abused. My mom. So that is why I have this failure. of a life because I'm not I'm not married I'm pouring war I don't have children I couldn't have children because of all this is just a tragic story like I just couldn't make children so like just a lot of surgeries and things because of the trauma so that's another thing I'm a nurse and I understand inflammation and hormonal like exhaustion so I got I I was only in psyched psychiatric psych for a while because it was, it just, you know, it just really killed me. It was,

it was five years. But I, towards the end, I got into outpatient. And I was so happy with that job. It was the best job ever because I was like, how's school going to like autistic teens? And when I would meet the autistic teen girls, I was like, oh my God, like we're best friends. Like, this is crazy like I understand them and so I I realized yeah I was totally I didn't get the ADHD help and the I like my I was below average and all of my SAT scores as a child and you know and then some and so I but then in college I got like 4.0 it's just see you could see I was ignored so I understand now and there's not a lot of anger I just want to be known for other parents like I just want to say before all this is over,

I don't know how much we have time for, but please parents don't have your children raise your other children. That helps tremendously if you're like, I need to be the parent and every one of the children's. So anyway. Yeah. No, it makes sense. And I, you know,

I see another pattern. First off, it blows my mind. Like, I have totally had that experience where I looked in the mirror and I just saw back as far as my lineage as possible. I remember just staring, you know, three in the morning, you're staring at the bathroom mirror just like, who are all these people? That's so crazy. Like, that's me. That's me from the future. That's so crazy. I forgot that's what we were talking about. Okay. So, thank you. I've seen, so I have a theme that, oh, I don't want to say it because somebody could steal it and then make it. But I know, you think your stuff is so great when you're telling us.

It is awesome. This idea is amazing. But no, there is a theme of imagery and it's, okay, it's birds, but it's not like, it's not regular birds, like what we see here. They're like big bird, big bird, like not dinosaurs. Yeah, there, there's, it's just beak ruled. It's just always a beak that ends up in my imagery. I'm like, oh my God, there it is a beak. And so, you know, people who aren't really connected, they're like, oh, you just want to release yourself and be free.

But I'm like, no, it's not that. It's, it's, I think I am a bird. Like, I think we're all birds. I think, so you get to this. Anyway, I have this, this, they always visit me. They're smiling, you know, and it's just love. Like, they're just like my little, they're not trolls, but, because I do see. gnomes a lot. I see so much. I've seen, I've seen galaxies from a distance. I've seen nebulas all the time,

but I have a goddess. She's purple and a lot of people see blue and purple people, but my, my goddess is, her name's Sandra. So I wrote a story about her because it was, it's just, She comes up, her face comes up so often. Even like, depending on the dosage, if I'm out here, in the Lanai, the screen, the screen that keeps mosquitoes out. Yeah. It's like it turns into a television screen of another dimension and it's her. And I'm like, there you are. And I'm like in love with her.

And I don't know. I don't know if it's people are like, that's you in another dimension. I'm like, okay, maybe. Yeah. So it's just you can't explain, excuse me. It's not, it's a, it's a flemy cough from the coffee. But you can't explain for somebody who never really understood real love in life because my love was all about fear.

Like, oh my God, I'm going to get hit or I'm going to, you know, whatever because of my dad. Or just I don't want mom to know. devastator just like just fears yeah um when you realize i don't in all of my past relationships i didn't love them correct i wasn't in love i wasn't i because what this is this is love like yeah this is so i've felt i've i've felt love at such a such a crazy level that i i'm almost worried that i could you find that love in a human like i don't know i don't can you? You think you can? I've never been.

I don't know. Because I had a short marriage and it was like I was 29 and I had a panic attack when you asked me. I've just never been ready. Yeah. But now, like it only lasts three or four years. But and then all the relationships after that were very, very traumatic because of abuse that I allowed. And so that's why I was like, I'm done. And let me just go ahead and try psychedelics.

And then, oh, my God, you know, that's where it all started in March of 2022. When this dedicated version, because I had my first dose in 2020. So, but the first dose in 2020 is the most visualistic. Okay. I've never had visuals at that. Of course, I haven't. Yeah. Okay.

So I do mushrooms. Okay. So I always stay between 3-5 and 5. But then if I want a lot of like therapy to draw, I'll say it too. Okay. And if I want a micro, I just like 0.1 or something. But because one, just doing one gram is like a waste for me. I'm like I feel it, but I'm not.

Anyway. It's neither therapeutic, but it's not micro either, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so you get to a point where you're like, oh, if I'm feeling this, I kind of want to see the gods. Yeah. So I've been able to sit here and see absolutely every god that, you know, like the Hindu gods. When I saw the L of the, the one with the. Yes.

Oh, my God. I was, it was, it was coming out of a cloud and it just kept, it was so happy to see me. I've seen people like human type people applauding me. Yeah. Because that was like after a major. tower moment. I do terrible. So like an explosion in my life. That's what this whole year was. I would get I would get a thought and I'm like, wait a minute. Is this true? And so I would ask the family or just and then I would be true. And I'm like, how can I explain this? And I'm getting messages from the universe that I didn't know. And then at the same time, you could also say like if you're a psychiatrist, you could say, say you knew all along, you just, you denied it to yourself. So those things were tower moments after tower moments.

I'm like, oh, my God. And my God, to the point where I was like, Mom, just tell me the truth. And she's like inside. I'm like, you didn't want to have me. And she's like, and her face was so devastating. I can remember I was having an experience. But I remember she looked devastated. And so I thought I've caught her in that state of mind.

you're like she's going to tell me she hates me she's going to tell me she never wanted me and I said did you not want me and so she's like she just said we'll talk about this later and I just fell to the floor so dramatically crying but when she went fell down to hold me when we embraced I saw nothing but fairies just coming out of our heads it was the most beautiful thing ever they looked like tinkerbell but naked and I It was like, I looked up and I could see them just coming out. So I'm sorry, my arm. I should have not exposed my arms.

Anyway, so yeah, I was like, this is amazing because whether she didn't want me or not, I know there's love. Yeah, exactly. And then after a while, you're like, oh, my God, like my dad was beating everybody up. Of course, she didn't want to have a third child. Yeah. So you put things into perspective and you stop being angry. That is so hard.

Like, first off, congratulations. Like, that is a level of self-discovery that most people are unaware or unable to achieve. And it's not easy. Like, like, some people would go. Some people can get to the, oh, my God, they didn't want to have me. But then they stop there and they hold that anger forever. God damn, I can't believe these people. But yeah, my dad was abusive.

Of course she didn't know. It's not that she didn't love you. But, you know, how would you know that? She couldn't think. Yeah. She was terrified. Like my dad, he looked like, have you watched The Sopranos? I have, yes.

He looked like big pussy in real life, the curly hair and everything. And he would be like, Natalie, don't give me that face. So it's like, I couldn't even speak. If I just made a face, I would get beat. So it's like, oh my God. So I have like issues with food because I can't, I thought it was just like an ADHD issue. It is. But I have to like graze throughout the day because I can't sit at it.

I can't sit down and just eat because I have issues from my dad force feeding me and making me have issues with eating. So it's like, I learned this from mushrooms. So the whole, like, I was like, all your issues are from your childhood. Yeah. How can they not be? And then all of the issues you have in your relationships are because you ignored your issues from your childhood. and you're making your spouse or your partner. I am so sorry.

Not at all. There's a helicopter. So, yeah, you make your partner responsible for the issues that are not cleared up from your childhood. Go away. On mushrooms, when you look up and you see a plane, oh, my God. Have you done that? I haven't, no. It looks like, like, if I'm looking at a motherboard, you know, like a diode, like a bus,

it looks like a bus with the little hinges coming out. And I was like, I knew it was a plane, but I was like, why are they showing it to me like this? Like a bus strip with the hinges. So it was so, and then I see it like that all the time. And then in the moon, I always see a lotus plant or another moon or. faces of people that are special to me. It's like universe will be like, hang on to this person because they're special

and then they were right. They're always right. Okay, so that brings up, I have a question for you then. So it seems to me that like on high doses of psychedelics, we're able to see the world around us through completely different imagery, whether it's a goddess, whether it's a bird,

whether it's a motherboard, or whether it's Ganesh. You know, like we see, we see these beings and other things, but we also get to see the relationships in our actual lives in a total different way. Yeah.

Those are connected, right? Okay, we can go back, we can go away from the woo-woo talk. Oh my gosh. Maybe I should shut up. No. That's probably a sign. Yes. No, that's a sign that you're doing the right thing. Yeah, right? It's like the trauma. It's gone.

I need to stop talking about the woo-woo stuff. See, it's right. Okay, it's nervous. Okay. So on a serious note, the therapy that you get, so it'll go like this. Like people don't explain things very well on these videos. Okay. So say you have a dose and you're with a friend or whatever and then you'll have six hours with like mushrooms, sorry.

Right. Silocybin mushrooms. Six to seven hours ahead of you to have the experience. But when you go to bed that night, there's a lot of synergy happening, neurologically, regeneration, and you're changing as it works through you. And you wake up and you're like, I am so happy right now. And if you have a lot of trauma in life, you haven't felt that in a long time. And it's very, it can be really harsh on you to realize how much happiness.

you've been losing in life because you think about your trauma all the time or you stay in your trauma, you know? So you're like, gosh, this happiness is so amazing. And then the second, so you go through the day and you're like, I don't know why I cared about the neighbor or I don't know why I cared about this type of music. It actually sounds great. And the food that you eat is like, you're like, oh, you know, this tastes. This apple tastes amazing.

And then you're like, oh, my God, pizza's too salty. So that happens through the week. And then by like two weeks later, you're like, you know, yelling at the car in front of you and you're saying all these, you're saying this and F this and F that. And you're like, I have not felt this anger in a long time. Like two weeks. You start putting two and two together.

So you're like, okay, I got to feel this out. how often am I going to do it? And so that's why I believe in research, because I don't want to add, okay, I should have said this in the beginning. I'm not advocating for people to do this at home, blah, blah, blah. I'm not advocating for any illegal activity, but I'm really into research so that at least it could get to people like my mom.

Like she's seen me eat mushrooms, but she still is a, she's terrified, especially because she sees how I change. Yeah. I don't know how I act. I can't because I don't film myself, but I've seen my sister's reaction when she's not. And she's like, it's okay.

You can go back. I'm like, oh my God, I'm a child. So that's why you have to be wary of how much you do and with who you do with. Because if you kind of, if you're with friends and you kind of don't like your friend's girlfriend or boyfriend and you're like they just you know they're kind of annoying and you do it with them yeah you're going to be like oh my god they're the devil i need to tell my friend i'm going to tell my friend right now yeah yeah yeah not good

no anyway anyway go go go go stop me up you just chop me up no it's it's all beautiful and i think it makes so much sense and i think it speaks volumes of not only how much you care about people but how much the sacrifices you've been through have changed who you are. And like, you know, so this is a, this is another avenue too. When we look at the world of psychedelics, whether you want to look at some of the rituals or some of the rights of passage that have been used for centuries, it seems that throughout history, the people that have practiced using psychedelics were always the, you know, when you went to someone to learn about psychedelics, they had taken the medicine themselves,

so they kind of knew what was going to happen. the same way you have taken the medicine and you kind of understand what your mom would go through or what your sister would go through. But in today's world of medicine, people go to the doctors and they get like Suboxin if they're a heroin addict, but the doctor's never taken Suboxin. So many doctors and so much of the medical system today is based on ideas that they learn from a textbook that was funded by a pharmaceutical company or was funded by research that was paid for.

So it may not be the best research. And if you know, you just start going down the wrong path a little bit, in in 20 years, you're way off course. And it's so interesting to think about, you can just take this psychedelic. For me, when I take them, I don't want to be around anybody, man. I'm going to be naked, like laying down,

making crazy noises. I know. That's why I, like, a lot of people want to do them with me. And I appreciate that. But it's just so personal to me. Like, I cry, snot. Yeah, yeah. I laugh at the weirdest things

that I know would be weird because you start getting weary of your neighbors listening and watching. So I can't, but I would love to be like in the middle of the woods by myself in a cabin and just do it where I don't have to worry about noises and neighbors. And I could just be like, hi, tree, I'm back. Yeah. Yeah. That's so true. Because I, when I walk patches, my dog, I love her. She's inside sleeping because she's really old. But I walker, I'll stop at this tree that I know has feelings for, like, I had to, there was a time where I saw this tree marrying me. It wanted to marry me because I walk around it all the time. And so I saw myself and the tree was like a cartoon tree.

Anyway, so I go up to it and I always touch it. And it's just, I do it quickly because I don't want drivers to be like, what is she doing? But trees never get touched. they're so alive and they get so ignored and we just like lean on them and kick them and put our cars on the roots and just the roots like we're just like putting cars on like they're just exist and they love us just simply for us and they're just sitting there doing nothing and so I don't know I have to be outside a lot that's something that changed I don't know what I'm going to do because if I live somewhere cold I want to get out of here Really? So I'm like, if I go somewhere cold, I can't be outside all the time like this. But maybe you have a place that's cold with like a beautiful view of a window where you could sit in like your chair and like look out there. You know what I mean?

Artificial air and air and lights and toner. There's always toner in office. Like you just smell technology. I just love being outside. You know what? I trip out that you said toner because like look at the world. of like Xerox or toner. Like it's based on an addiction model.

Like they'll give you the machine, but then you got to buy from the dealer, all the toner once a week. You know what I mean? It's just like, it's like a, it's the same model as addiction. It is.

It was toner in the movie Matrix when he's on the floor crawling around everywhere. You know, it's the smell of death. So I probably won't go back to an office now. Nobody's going to give me a job in an office. But anyway. You'd be great.

You'd be great. at like a like a psychedelic confrontation center or like I'm trying to use not use the word retreat but you know what I mean like it seems to me like a place like that would be perfect for you you know because you do have a fundamental understanding of what it's like to heal like you've been through you know I I met a I met a girl well she her kid goes to school with my child and I was abused as a kid and I when I was talking to this to this woman beautiful woman, very nice family. And she had said some things to me that all of a sudden they resonated to me. And anybody who's gone through a trauma can recognize that trauma in somebody else. And so

she was telling me how she hated part of her family. And I was like, oh, yeah, I've been through some things like that. Why is it that you've hated your family? And she started to dance around the subject of, you know, being, you know, treated wrong sexually. But I could, I can identify with it because it happened to me. So I was like, oh, shoot, I see what happened here. And so in a couple of months had gone by, and her and I were having a conversation outside of one of the classrooms. And I says, you know, isn't it interesting? And she goes, what? Isn't it interesting that the things that happen to us as kids, like we see them as traumas?

But other kids, they pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to go to school to learn about that thing. But they will never, ever have the experience that you or I had. And then she realized, like, I'm talking, like, we were both abused. Some people go to school to be counselors, but it happened to us for free. We don't have to pay any money for it. We're better at helping people, you know, so. I just paid an arm and a leg to renew my nursing license. And it's like, why are my pains?

I'm getting my fingerprints done. Like, it's just, it's just kind of demeaning when you're already, you've already wiped a lot of butts and you've helped a lot of people through deaths. And, like, you're just like, why do I got to give fingerprints? Anyway. So. Because you've got to be, but currently you have to have a foot in book board right now. I know why I got to do it legally.

But no, I'm just like, we demonize the people who have the biggest hearts in this society. I know. And the biggest hearts have overcome such major trauma. So you can identify it in people. I can identify it too, especially with people that have ADHD, PTSD, CPTSD, all the Ds. I can see it. I'm like, I know how to talk to them. I know how to bring in their focus and let them feel loved and listen to.

So that's just what lacked in their life as a child. It's just every human I meet, I see the child in them now. Yeah. And I want to heal, I want to heal, but I have learned about boundaries and making sure my energy is taking care of first before I used to give my everything to everybody. You know, I just, here, take it all, you know. All of my stuff. That's why I'm broke and, you know, have no family and children, blah, blah, blah, all this

stuff because I just kept giving everybody. And I don't know. So I guess that's why I'm in this state of situation. Yeah. I think that it is, no, I think that that is something that ultimately, you know, I think there's some things in us that can never be learned. They can only be developed inside of us. And maybe I think that what you're going through, you're not alone in that.

Like I see so many people. And I talk to so many of you on this podcast that you would think are just on top of the world and doing like they're crushing. But the truth is they're in the exact same state as you or me, regardless of what they have. Like they feel like they've given everything to this dream, to this belief, to this idea that they want to create into the world. And sometimes when it seems like you're on the death door or when you're like, God damn, I'm the biggest fail.

you're ever you know whenever you think like that the truth is you're probably like one yard from the goal line because you know what it's like to give every ounce of your soul to something you believe in and what kind of a person can do that like that's not a weak person that can do that that is somebody who believes wholeheartedly in what they're doing that's someone who believes with every ounce of passion they have they can make it happen and those are the people that can make it happen yeah but you know I feel bad because, like, I don't have a lot to lose. Like, I don't have children to take care of. I don't have a husband to make happy.

So it was prime for me to bust through these crazy, icky, weird to just see what's on the other side. Like, I didn't marry a guy who beat me up and have children with him and then make my children raise the other children in my family. Like, I didn't do that. I stopped. Congratulations. Yeah, like, so I'm like, okay, so where do we?

where do I go now? Like, and it's weird because when I, I did my first trip, I journaled, and they were all like, they wrote, we gave you 40 years of, I was like 38 at the 37, 38 at the time. Yeah. They're like, we gave you 40 years of suffering. Now you must resolve it. And I was like, tripped out by that. I was like, I'm not going to tell anyone about this.

And then it's all, it happened. Yeah. Because I'm, because I'm, you know, around that age now. I'm so like, anything is getting better even though I look crazy or to people. I'm so in control of my fear. Like, if I cry, I'll cry, but I'm not going to be like holding it in and getting, you know, diarrhea from it. Like, we don't need to have that anymore. Like, we don't.

That's another thing. Like, I'm a nurse and I, there's so much Crohn's disease and all the bleeding things from our GI tract. because everybody's just so afraid to talk and to set boundaries and not and not in the way that you see in the airplane videos where people are going crazy. I mean like boundaries from in your home. Like if you can't stand your spouse, don't take it out at work. If you can't stand work, don't take it out on your spouse. You have to identify why you want to control that person.

Then you're like, okay, maybe I'm too controlling. And you're like, why am I controlling? Because my dad and mom work, you know. It just goes that way. And it can get, for me, it's like, oh, I spot it. So I just move on. So now I'm at the, they're all like tarot and everything is just all the meditation and saying you got to, you got to get out of this hermit mode.

I've been in a hermit mode for 16 months now. So, so yeah. Not anymore. Not anymore. Not my gosh, everybody's seeing me. Oh, my God. Yeah, I know. Right.

It's like our friend Adam says, we're talking to millions of people right now. You know what I mean? International internet. Yeah, international TV. Okay, so think about it from this angle. I think that there's something to be said about this time and people beginning to break generational trauma. This is the first time in my life. I've only recently come to this idea, and I know it's been around for a long time,

but this idea of generational trauma. And like when I look back on my life and I'm like, oh, my dad did that. My mom did that. They were this abusive relationship. And then I look at my life and I'm like, you know, wow. And I'm bestowed with the gift of breaking that trauma that's been generational. Like I am doing some things that my parents never did.

I'm breaking the cycle. You are incredibly breaking the cycle. And I think that that's where so much of the neurosis and the questioning comes from and the trauma and the oh my god is this right it's like you're doing it for the first time and you're doing it for your family like think about that like you yeah and hey well how else could it be like you are the one in your family that has to break it like for some reason you were chosen nobody knows why i blocked it i blocked everybody i walked away from everyone because their opinions mattered so much and i didn't care anymore i was like i'm going to spend the rest

of my life making these people happy they make fun of me doing tarot They make fun of me, like, talking. They make fun of the way I talk. They can't listen to me without laughing. Like, I don't know what it is about me. People are always smiling when I'm talking to them. So I'm like, okay, fine. People are just like, so they've, I've never been taken seriously.

And so I'm like, you know what? I'm just going to find people who want to be with me, who want to, like, talk to me. And I have met the most, oh, my God, I've fallen in love with my friends. And I've never. Here's a thing. Okay. Like when you're in, when you come, when you come out of a, like, daddy issues, even though I had mom and dad issues, I didn't know, but I was like classified as girl with daddy issues. You, you, you could be so like, oh my God, he likes me.

I'm just going to date this guy. And so you just start formulating reasons why this person makes sense because they like you. Because you didn't get this, you didn't get daddy's love. Like you didn't. And so learning that, that was one of the first lessons. Wow. So then I was like, cool, cool. But the more I did more psychedelics, I had way bigger lessons.

So like in the beginning of 22 or when I started in March to April, it was when I realized, why do I want a guy? Yeah. It's a great question. Yeah, because all these relationships. It was just filling the void of all the attention I didn't get from mom and dad. So, so then you're like, once you start doing all the things with yourself that you would want to do with the guy, then you're like, I was, what did I want these guys for? I didn't create with them. I didn't, we didn't have adventures together.

It was just trauma bonding. It's like, I'm scared of the world. Me too. Let's stay inside and cuddle together. And it's like I could have, there's all the, there's like that guy who's so cute, fun guy, something on Instagram and he forages and he just teaches the world about all the mushrooms. And I'm like, I want to be with them. They're doing awesome stuff. Like, why wouldn't you?

Yeah, right? Educating the world, like helping everybody and just doing it just in a penetrating way where it's like not like one to one people. patient care. Yeah. So it's like I want, I just, I didn't mean to say penetrating. I'm going to say infiltrating. Like to, it just goes through like water in the public where the messages that you can hone in and hone it.

You can grab your anxiety and you can be powerful with it. Yeah. Yeah. And not think about your history so much and then be in the moment. I love being in this moment outside all the time. Like, let's show you my, all those, I have a garden, a garden out there that I never did that before. Yeah. I was always just like watching my boyfriend play video games or just like asking them about their life.

Like, and telling my friends about my boyfriend's life. Like, so now I'm, I'm okay. I'm like, okay, now if I like a guy, it's because of who he is. Right. And I never got with anyone on the internet. internet. I was always just, it was like a friend or a guy from work or whatever until Tinder in Miami. So I got divorced and that's when my whole life went, but I went through it. I went through it. And then I, that's where I, anyway. So yeah, that's a whole other podcast.

Yeah. Well, I think it speaks to the life of me before mushrooms. Oh my God. I don't want to talk about it. Yeah. Sometimes I look at like the life that we had growing up, as a school, right? Like all these things that happened to you, whether it's your family saying negative things about you or for me, it was working at a place that I just was not fulfilled that and I hated going to and I felt like part of me was dying. But like I think all of that is necessary. Sometimes I have this idea of like inside us, we have like this beautiful emerald crystal and it grows inside of us. And as we get older, like the casing becomes fragile and then there's a tragic event that breaks it and inside that crystal flows through all

the secrets of change and it begins to fill our bodies and then we begin to change as a person, right? And once we've begun to change, now we can affect change. Like the same way in which you said when you look at someone you're interested in now, you look at what they do. And like, that's the same way people are going to look at you, right? The way, yeah, exactly. But in doing so, by putting that out there, you're also changing the way people see you. Now you're inviting people to look at you the way you do, the way you help people. And the same way you describe that guy that finds mushrooms, it sounds to me that that's a lot like what your life is about.

Like you're out here discovering new things. You're finding ways to help people. You're standing up for what you believe in. And like, I don't care of these people think that. I do this. You know what I mean? It's kind of similar. Yeah.

Because I've never believed in anything before. Like, you know what? It was like, at age 16, my boyfriend was like, I don't believe he got anymore. If you think about it, it doesn't exist. blah blah. He was like, so I was like, oh my God, you're right. No, I freaked out. I was like, oh my God, what are you talking about? But then I went along with it until I was in my 30s, you know, like trying to think about psychedelics. So I was an atheist, an angry atheist. It never helped me. I always felt, kind of, I was already an outsider because I'm not Spanish enough.

I'm not Colombian enough. And then I'm weird with other girls. Like, I, I'm too, like, you know, I'm on the kind of on the spectrum, I guess. So I just didn't fit in anywhere. And so what were we talking about? I'm just talking about the way we see each other and the way like it's supposed to happen. You know what I mean? Like everything's kind of a test, you know? Damn it.

I had a point. I just lost it because I was like, I just offended somebody. I know I just offended somebody. We started about about God and how you were an angry atheist for a while. Yeah, none of that really helped me. get through anything and especially when I when it came time from my dad's death it was it was so hard it was like he can't just not exist anymore like yeah and so it hurts so much and I just I was like no but my friends are atheists the cool way is to be you know I have a subscription to skeptic

magazine I am an atheist so I was so yeah so it really hurt me but all but now when I look back at it. Oh, God. Can I just say this before we go? How much time? Just real quick. It's a trip thing. It's not trip thing. I'm sorry. I'm starting to panic. Do we, should we go? Am I talking too long? You are beautiful. It's a great conversation. Yeah. I don't know how long I've been talking. I think we've got about an hour in, but I got as much time as you want to talk. Okay. It went fast, right? Like I told you, it goes like that. Okay. Okay. So my family never like cared for drugs and because they're Colombian they're like marijuana yeah you know so I couldn't even talk about that really for a while when I was even a nurse at the

cannabis clinic okay so um my dad what my dad died in 2014 and I did mushrooms in 2020 when I had my first trip they told me in a journal when I was journaling they said remember This, oh my God. Okay. So what they were reminding me of was when my father had to have lung surgery, he came out and they had to intubate him. And he was freaking out because he couldn't speak, talk. He was freaking out with the tube coming out of his mouth, right? So he asked for a pen and paper.

And what he wrote was Q IMO, question mark. And I knew that he was asking if they ended up putting a chemo port in his, if they surgically finally did it because that meant that he could he was going to get chemo and not just die in a month so um because he so is that a cat that's my cat over there is a man with two brains get that cat out of here when he's doing surgery sorry when we're not talking about mushrooms I'm going to just be talking about movies I was raised by right Right. And HBO.

So anyway, I forgot what we were talking about. Your dad, chemo, is going to get the port in his arm. So I was like, yeah. So then I tripped, you know, so many years later. And they were like, remember Q-I-M-O? And I was like, yeah. And then they wrote, squiggly. It gets really squiggly when they...

So they said, Dad died and... Dad died and came alive again. tube came out lost life so no worries dad visited but nobody in my family is going to get chills by that but i did because that after that surgery he freaking became a painter he was a car salesman and whatever salesman for my whole life never touched a freaking painting paint brush that he painted after that surgery and and kept painting for the last year of his life so it was like He was a really, really, really bad guy, but maybe not that bad because Universe was like, we'll give you a year of, like, painting and just chilling out.

And I loved him that year. It was the best year. It was the best year. So I can recap everything, you know, I'm so happy. And then, and I know he visits me. So anyway. That's so beautiful. That's such a beautiful thing to get to experience.

And isn't it interesting that you got to experience and none of the other people in your family? Like it just shows how open. No one understands that, by the way, non-psychedelic people. If you die before you die, you never die. You never die. Like he was totally okay that year,

knowing that he was going to, he's like, oh, we have to go get chemo now. Okay, or we have to get this vitamin check. So he didn't get really too into it, but we all did. You were like,

and I wasn't composed. I was 32. I wasn't composed yet with like, like my feeling. So I was always crying and holding him. But so, but at least he knew I loved him on the way out. Yeah.

Even though I learned to hate him afterwards. And then I, it was like a roller coaster. Yeah. Oh my God. He made me horrible. Yeah. But he just thought he gave me anxiety.

Right. Right. He's like, I'm so sorry that I gave this stupid disease to my daughters. And he was talking about depression. Mm-hmm. And it's true. It does travel, but I'm like, you gave me a lot more than the president. Yeah, right, right. All my shadow work is getting, I'm going through it pretty well.

Right. Can you imagine being 41 at your mom's house trying to restart your life? I can. That's what my mom did. My parents got divorced when I was probably 10 or 12. And so she was rough, though. I mean, I can't imagine it from my point of view. I mean, not at all. And also you're a boy.

I'm a man. Moms love their boys. So. True. It's very true. This is hard. This is so hard. But we're getting through it.

And I'm proud of that because people want to be like, I'm never going to talk to her again. She let, you know, she let this and half. She let that happen. And I'm like, I know. But what's the point? Like, if we both know, we're both right. and we have these stances and we feel this way, it's because it's coming from pain.

Why would I not want to talk to her for the rest of my life because she's also in pain? Even though it's misguided or misunderstood, like pain is resolved by love and healing. So I might as well tell her, like I'll even say, no, mom, you just made that up, but I love you anyway. Like, that's what I'll say. Because there's no more excuses to let things,

to just like roll. Like if people behave in a way that are, that's inflicting pain on you, then you have to be like, no, I have a, please don't. You just put words in my mouth. You know what? Like sometimes,

sometimes we always think that it's us that end up in a spot. But like maybe your mom needs you. Maybe you don't even understand why you're at home right now. Maybe your mom needs you to be there. Yeah, I know. But look at it from this angle. Like maybe the unit, Maybe like maybe your mom needs you more than anything in the world right now.

And that's why you're there. And you may not understand it. It was. It was. It made sense last summer. Oh, my God, when I moved in because, yeah, it made sense because all of a sudden when I moved in, my grandmother struck ill. And she had to get surgery, but she's 93. So I was like, wait a minute.

Can we talk about surgery? Yeah. I'm a nurse and I kind of want to know what so my grandmother's like I want to do this I was like I have to accept this I'm like I love you you've always been you know I said my goodbyes and I let everyone just be and she came out of it and she was like I'm hearing after like four or five months later we're like holy cow I was like okay I proved me wrong but then towards she did get she started to fall a little more weaker and weaker and it was like she, I love that she like was able to get through a surgery though. Yeah. I just like, I'm vindicated. That's, it was very vindicating for me. Anyway, so, so she, she, she, she, she passed on in late last year.

And so I was like, that's why I'm here. I'm going to help my mom get through this. Yeah. It just got really twisted and bizarre after that. The hurricanes came. Like, just everything just kept getting weirder and weirder. Yeah. So shadow.

where, like, oh, it just got really thick. Like, I just had to do a lot of shadow work. I mean, New Year's Eve was the worst. You know how there's so many articles is like, is there a bad trip? Do bad trips exist? Is that real? I'm going to tell you to not do trip. Do not do, the trip word, I don't know if I should say it or not because everybody's like,

like, there's so many rules now about what's the right thing to say. So I'm so nervous. But if you have an experience, just don't do it when people are. having fireworks going off at night. Oh my God, it was the worst night of my life. Patches was, I was like, oh, yeah, you know, the end of the year. It's the last day of the year. It's going to be awesome.

Right. I was like, oh, it's a war. Oh, my God. And then I ended up in the kitchen in the corner of the cabinets on the floor crying, begging for the sounds to stop. And then that I just really got, I channeled in. And then they were like, you need to stop letting people. They were like, you exist for people.

You simply exist for people to use you. Stop letting people use you. I was like, I couldn't believe from all that. I got that horrible message. And then I was like, oh, I found out my boyfriend who had cheated on me. for five years the whole time we were together four years the four years we were together so I was like wow the universe the universe so I had to get through that but I did right and he you know heard himself recently my mom he's anyway maintenance issues okay fine call whoever you need to so my mom did

whatever. And then I found out he injured himself and I was like, oh, now I feel bad. And I realize, oh, I don't hate him. I don't, I want, I want peace for everybody. So that I was like, through my mom's text, I was like, did you do these things for your foot? And that was it. Nice. Because I don't want, that's energy. So if you have, if you have, if you, like all my exes, I don't hate them anymore. I don't, I, they're all so sweet now when I think about. I'm like, oh my God, they were doing, this is, I experienced this with this person and that. And so when you are a, like when you come from like crazy toxicity, a lot of the psychiatric

disorders say people will look in their, look back in their history by the people they were with, the association of, well, that was when I had this baby or that was when, when I was going out with this guy. So I was doing that a lot. And I, I split up my history with who I was Like that was when I was with blah, blah, blah. And I don't do that anymore. Now I'm doing it by the decade is like what I was doing. Right. So you start realizing.

Yeah, you start realizing you're like, I have my identity back. I don't. Like I was having you were get, I was getting an identity through all my boyfriends. Right. So you know, women. But see, people will go their whole life and die and never have this. Like they'll never realize. They'll just have like.

eight marriages or whatever. It's like, don't keep getting married. Yeah. I think you bring up such an amazing point, like this idea of identity. And this is why people are afraid. Like, it's really hard to just decide I'm not my job. I'm not my relationship. I'm not this other thing.

Because it's easy to do those things. Hey, I'm this guy. I'm this girl. It's real easy. It's really difficult to redefine yourself and then become that change out in the world. I know. That's why it's so amazing. Not with just lovers.

I did it with my jobs because of the nursing. I couldn't find anything to wear because I have just scrubs. And then I, so I stopped scrubbing. I stopped being a nurse. And then I just stayed home. So, and I don't, I haven't gone shopping prior, even prior to the pandemic. I haven't been to the movie since 2013. Like, I'm not normal.

I wasn't normal. four mushroom. What's that? Oh, it's a mic. I still can't hear you. It says that your mic is muted. There you go.

Okay, how about now? A little better? Good, good, good. Yeah. That came right underneath. Is that Carmen San Diego on the map? No, it's just, we got like this giant wallpaper

and then it's like a white world. So my daughter can go and draw stuff. Yeah, it's super awesome. I want the chalkboard wall. Yeah. laws. I want to do that. But I live out for my mom's. That's all right. The globe or something. Like, maps are awesome. I have, I, I have several boyfriends that gave me Alice's in the past for birthdays because I love geography for some reason.

Well, think about it. When I think about maps, like, I think about, like, you have geography and this particular map, like, if you get close to it, and even if you have a globe, you look at all, like, the supply chains. Like, there's all these little black lines that go all over the globe. and they're like, their routes in which the ship's take. You can trip hard enough. I know. And you know what? I think it's the same thing with neural networks.

I think it's the same thing with neural pathways. Like if you look at some of the neural imaging that comes out, it looks like a globe and a weird sort of wind. There's lines going everywhere as above so below, right? I, yes, in this little nine, like they really, they're like, you want to see something? And I was like, okay. So everything went shut dark.

And I saw space. galaxies and stars and nebulas and I was like I was I was like wait am I floating in this lanai in space that's what it felt like so as soon as I as soon as I looked away I'm like oh my God like you come like because people think it's like you're drunk with alcohol it's not like you can still if the phone rings you're like hello like you're out a lot of it but you're right you can function But not drive. Never drive.

No, you should definitely not do that. But yeah, you couldn't go to the bathroom. Right. But so, yeah. So when you come to, that's when I journal. Because people are like, you know, they try to remember everything. And then it's horrible you can't remember. It's so clear and then it's so gone.

Yeah, it's like dreaming. And then when you try to talk about it, it's like talking about a dream and boring people about it. There's no words. Language fails. Until they do it, until they do it. And they're like, I've seen fairies too and I've seen nose. And you're like, it's just amazing. I told you.

Yeah. You know, it's interesting. I recently read this article and I don't, I'm just paraphrasing it here. And in this article they were talking about in the pineal gland, there's rods and cones, the same way you have rods and cones in your eyes. And the speculation was that that's how you're seeing these mental images is that, that like the pineal gland has the same sort of, you know, ability to see things. I don't know if that's true.

I'm going to research it more, but it kind of makes sense, right? I should have brought my journals out here. Yeah. But I was given a message. They were like, time is a spinner. It's not flat, like on paper. Like, uh, what do you mean by spinner? What does that mean?

Now I'm starting to sound crazy. No, it's totally awesome. Like our cochlear ear, the. Like a conch shell is not a conch shell is not. Okay, I see what you're saying, though. Like a spiral, a spiral. Right, right. A yo-yo.

I'm not a yo-yo. No, I say like the double helix. A slinky, even better. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I said yo-yo, not slinky. I haven't. Anyway, so it's like that. So if at any point you think you're at one point in time, you're not.

Because you could be at another end. of the spiral, which is a loop. That's what I was told. And I was like, wow, okay, so just don't worry about time. That's the message. Stop worrying about time because it doesn't exist. There's no gravity outside the spitting earth. No gravity at all.

You're being forced to be stuck on this earth. If you don't like the term, if you don't want to be here, we're supposed to be here. because it's spinning that fast. And so make your time, the best time of it, since we're supposed to be here. And so I love the message that I've gotten just real quick before we go. Yeah, take your time. Oh, okay. So the message that I love the most is that, oh, there's so many.

But speaking of the spinning and everything, that there's since out in space, if you will, out there. outside of earth, there's no feelings. Like, you can't, it's a cold place. It's not a lit up place. It's a lonely place. And so everyone is trying to get to Earth because on this globe, you can feel those feelings. And so entity, spirits, what have you, souls are all just aiming to come back, come back, come back. And that's the whole karma reincarnation thing.

And we've all done it. We've come back so many times that we've all played every kind of role. We've been criminals. We've been royalty. And we've had short lives. And so if we remember that, then we can have more fun with this life that we have. And I didn't know I was who I am. I didn't know this.

So I thought I was ugly, fat, stupid. All those things that I let resonate from. from each relationship, whatever. But from my family I got, I was, took too long. I needed to be quiet, too loud. So I need to be haste. So now it's like this year, it's like I don't have to, I'm not rushing to have two jobs. And I don't have to take care of somebody at home and at work.

And like, I'm just going to bum it out for the first time of my life. And I'm like, wait, this is a midlife crisis. This is what you do. Okay. So, but I didn't just bum it out. I mean, the most amazing thing happened to me in the whole world. Like, I can't even imagine. I got published.

Yeah. But that, that, it itself happened because they were like, if you don't write right now, I was like, okay, I'm going to write. I'm going to write. Yeah, yeah. And one thing led to another. Yeah. And then because I was honest in a chat that I had with an amazing person, I said, I believe these things.

And he was like, I believe them too. And I'm like, we're connected. Yeah. All connected. I'm like, be my friend. He's like, I've always been. No. He's just so wise guy.

Yeah. And he has been a great guidance for me on the platform that I have spent so much time on because it started as a desperate attempt to quickly make money after quitting that job. And I was like, I need to make money. Oh, my God. And a friend, like this one person was like, you don't want to go through your savings. And I was like, you're right. And then now I'm like, I don't have a savings. Right.

I don't have kids. Like, I think about children as the, as a main incentive to have all this money behind you. Right. Because otherwise, like, I don't know. I would have seen. If I had children, I wouldn't have done anything with my life. I would have been like, they're everything. I'm like the crazy cat lady, not the cat lady, the lady in the Simpsons.

He's like, won't anyone think of the children? Yeah. So I'm always like, well, since I don't have kids, because they would come first, I guess I'd come first. So, and also I had to do with work. I'm like, I was the, I would do at home, pediatric at home care for children that couldn't breathe and they had used a ventilator or they had to eat for nutrition off of a pump. So they need 24 hour maintenance care. and you end up getting put onto a case for months. And that's hard because you fall in love with the child.

And you fall in love with the mom. Like, you're like, I have to help the mom because she's alone. So I did that for like five years. Like, it was hard to think. Like, when I think about that, mushrooms are like, you got to tell those stories. I'm like, no, that's patient care. That's quiet. that a, you know, HIPAA.

And then they're like, you got to talk about the love that you had for your patients. And I'm like, okay. Yeah. You do. I haven't written at all about that. I'm like always talking about my trauma, right? So that, when you think about love connectivity, like to have a child walk that has cerebral palsy and can't, but they finally work up the ability to strengthen their muscles to do it,

and you helped be a part of it, you know, or to eat without the pump nutrition, or to breathe. I worked so hard with a patient on getting him to breathe off of, when he was a baby, and he got off of the ventilator because, I mean, first it was five minutes. he was off of it and then 10 minutes and then it got to like hours and then never so those things I can't those are my my nuggets of why I'm happy I live you know like I'm I had my life sucks but at least I had those moments of connectivity so I have so many patient moments patient care moments that I'm like, how am I not supposed to go back to nursing? And they're like, because you got to do it.

You got to teach and guide now in another way. I'm like, okay. Yeah. I mean, I still talk to some of the moms of my, well, I don't really. I did up to like a couple of years ago, but it meant to me, like, I moved away from states and stuff and had to like break up, you know. Like you have to like move on. You can't care for everyone forever because then you'll die.

Yeah. It was like it was hard. So I keep thinking I can make fast money if I just go get a job. But I can't. I can't do it emotionally, physically. Because if I see stuff, domestic stuff now in the house, I'm going to, I'm going to speak up. Whereas before I probably was like, well, yeah, he shouldn't be here. but, you know, like...

Right, big excuses. Yeah, just, because I had crazy moments in Ohio, Leah, Miami, you know, or Missouri, like, just crazy moments of these domestic issues that are very hard to deal with, and I just was with my baby, with my patient. I just, I shielded their lives with my life. You know, it just got scary just a couple of times, in Hyalia, just like battery things happening. And I'm like, okay, if he comes in here, that was like because of domestic boyfriend,

girlfriend, girlfriend issues. So I would call the company. I'd be like, well, just you can remove the patient. You know, I'm like, how many people know that nurses go through these moments or, you know, like alone? How many seizures I've gone, not me, but my children, baby patients, just going through seizures and I have to just document and it's just anyway, that's how I got into CBD and PTSD was because I'm like,

I care about cannabis because it fucking works. Sorry, it freaking works. I don't want to see children have seizures if CBD is helping. And then I became a freaking cannabis nurse for three years because I left Missouri because I got a nurse, a cannabis nurse job back home in Florida. Came back home. I've been trying to leave Florida forever. So there's always like attempts. And then I came back to do to be a cannabis nurse. And that was the best like realization of. Oh my God. We are killing ourselves with pills. That's when that's when I started realizing, okay, there's we got I got to change my whole I'm going to stop with ibuprofen. Because I know I know better. I know what's happening to our kidneys. I know when you keep. Mike, I tell my mom, please don't take Xanax, you know, because she's like, but it helps me sleep. So there's patience now in that age group.

She's okay with me talking about that. I asked if I, anyway, sorry. So, yeah, but a lot of people are taking Xenics in that age group because they've been taking it for so long. And I'm like, that's not right. Because now if she wants to go to bed by herself, she can't. I've tried to convince her microdose at least. So it's not, it hasn't.

But I got her a gummy, a TAC gummy that she was like, oh my God, I'm drunk. So I'm trying to like, yeah, she'll keep. But it's,

it's, that's why we got to keep talking about this because it's becoming more and more real. There's an article that came out saying how, what I always had a hunch, Silicon Valley has been doing this. everybody over there has been microdosing and just having full-on trips

and they've been developing all of these stupid apps that we like so much. So people need to let go of the fear. Sorry. Yeah. No, it's beautiful. It brings up this idea too of like, you know, I think that people that are coming up on middle age

have a very unique role to play right now because there is such a large demographic of baby boomers And a lot, you know, I think I read somewhere like 10,000 baby boomers a day have been retiring for like the last 10 years. Well, if we just play that out another 10 years, you could very easily be said that 10,000 baby boomers will be dying every day in the not too distant future. And when we look at that demographics, and you have such a huge portion of people that are facing their mortality, how can the world not be filled with anxiety? And then you have on the other edge of it, you have these kids coming up that are like, man, why? Why is all the wealth trapped in this older generation? There's nothing for us.

We don't have anything. So people that are in the middle age, like, we have this role of like, okay, we need to be a bridge. Like we've got to help these people come to grips with the fact that they're moving on. And like we, I think psychedelics are a huge part of that to like help them with the end of life. Are you genetic?

Are you getting up? I am. Yeah. Gen X. I'm my brother's Gen X, but I'm millennial. Mm. So.

You're an old soul, though. Yeah. I, that's what my dream said. I know. They're like, you've been around since the dinosaurs. I'm like, if my soul's been around since the dinosaurs, how am I an eternal soul? And they're like, we can do what we want to do for the universe. I was like, it really got scary when I did, when I said that.

Yeah. Hey, who's talking to? Yeah. So, so Gen X, yeah. Yeah, I'm always talking, looking at sociology. because it's so interesting to me psychology of generations and how everyone feels duped

and everyone feels like, hey, we didn't get this and that. Or how each generation is like, oh my God, the new kids are just so smart. Or the new kids have it so easy. It's just, but that's every, like I saw this clip from a movie. I don't even know where it's from,

but they were like in the 19, like, I don't know, late 18, hundreds because when did the refrigerators like yeah anyway in the clip they're like what's this and he's like it's a refrigerator and they're like what's a refrigerator what and I'm and then they're trying to show like the country guy being skeptical of it and the richy rich person was like oh oh I would love to have cold things and then the rich the country guy was like yeah I don't know about that so you sell electricity and I was like wow

this is still going on with AI people are like oh yeah you guys that like it you're just be swept away while I have my wits to save me and then then you don't realize how you're already using AI yeah we're obsessed with it

we cannot be without our phones how is this any different from chat GPT advancing it a little bit more yeah sorry I cannot believe I'm speaking this many opinions I need to shut up It's beautiful. Why? I know.

What kind of a conversation would it be if you shut up? It would just be me rambling. See, I'm not anti-AI when I would be such a hippie at the same time because it's going to help with pain. It's going to help heal a lot of issues that are like, you know, the life expectancy so many years ago was like, you know, 10. So like we're all living until 80, 90. And we didn't have seatbelts at one time. So there's always changes happening. So I don't know why people are scared.

It's fear. They have fear. It's the fear. God, my arm is so fat in this. It's the, it's the, whatever. Yeah, it's the fear. It's the fear back again. Right?

It's my fear looking like a, oh, blam. It's the idea. that maybe it's uncertainty because it seems that we're always afraid of the things we don't know. And sometimes we just decide that, oh, well, if this happens and this would happen, then we come to this unrealistic chain of events that will probably never happen. But in our mind, we're like, oh, I'm afraid of it. But the truth is, if you do something out of fear, you're limiting yourself. If you just take some time to believe what is possible in yourself, your life is so much better.

Yeah. And people even make decisions that are horrendously scary because they think they have to push themselves to prove something. It's like, no, you don't like that. You're just trying to escape things. What is it that you're trying? Oh, your mom friggin ignored you. Like, I'm just sick of this. It's always your mom and dad.

Let's just get through it. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe we need AI to help us. with therapy to get through that. You know what I mean? I know. Just be like, what's your mom like, what's your dad like?

And then they'll be like, this is what's probably wrong with you. Go here. And don't date these people and date these people. Because it's not like, I mean, you could look at horrors, astrological stuff. I do. But it's like trauma. Is your trauma resolved?

Because you're going to be insecure and get mad that I have friends. Like, you know, And that's another thing. I have that central focus for people. Like if you're my patient, I'm going to be like, you're my king or queen, you know? So then I do that with my relationships. So the guy is so used to me being like, you're my, you're everything. And then if I deal with a friend or a patient, I'm like all about them.

And so that guy, if he has insecurities, causes problems. Yeah. So I've just, I don't know. I'm just, I don't know. Well, it sounds, yeah. Anyway, go ahead. No, what are you going to say? You shut me up.

Shut me up. Shut me up. Well, it sounds like this. Like, when we talk about trauma in all of our lives, like, that word is such, it's so charged like a negative charge, but isn't all trauma that we face growth? And shouldn't we be thankful for our abilities to grow out of the old versions of ourselves? And we just look back a little bit on your story that you shared today about growing up the way

you did, facing trauma. coming to realization that this relationship wasn't right facing the trauma, coming to school of, I don't like that, that's trauma. But if you're honest with yourself, everything you look back on was a growing experience and you've become a better form, a better person because of it. So on that level, we should be embracing and thankful for the trauma, right? I'm a survivor.

I'm a survivor. And I've tacked on all these badges. Like, I always wanted to be a Girl Scout because I wanted to do stuff, but my parents are like, we don't got time. So I was like, I think about that. I'm like, I have a batch for this. I have a badge for that. Yeah.

Of like, and it's not even, it's like I told somebody what I really feel. I defended myself. Yeah. Just stuff like that. That's that you have extreme fear over. So it helped a lot when my dad did die nine years ago because he was the guy I was most afraid of in life. because he could physically hurt me and he didn't.

And a lot of people can't handle that news either. And it's like, I mean, it happens. It's the belt, you know, it was the freaking stupid belt. And anything would go, anything would fly. So like, that's trauma to your body, to your skin. Yeah. And so you end up becoming like a cat. in life. You're like, ah, you know, and so people don't, people are like, God, why are you spazzing out so

quick? You're like, I was whipped, you know, I, that this is what happens. And so don't, don't, if people are neurotic and people do act like a cat and they are super afraid, just assume that their central nervous system was put through the ringer. Just, just don't, don't judge people because they're weird. They're weird. They're not, they can't be composed. posed in this weird environment because you can. You know, you weren't, your central nervous system wasn't also, just for minorities. Like, I'm sorry, I say this and people get so pissed. But it's just also because of the crowds that I've run with and you're like, okay.

Minority children that are undergoing trauma have so much more to deal with because they're trying to decipher two languages a lot of the freaking time. like even in Indian homes, like with my Indian friends, we've spoken about this. And so if you can imagine a child getting beat up at home with the belt all up along their back,

but then also having to explain to people and translate for parents and family that can't speak English to the public, like say a car accident. I remember we pulled over because my dad's like, wait a minute, I can see this. little boys talking to the cop for his mom. We got to help them. My dad, my parents were bilingual.

So my dad pulls over and I see the little kid speaking in Spanish to the cop traumatized because he has to speak for the freaking mom. And it's just like I'm just, I'm on, I want to be the voice for that kid. Like we're always, we just bunch Hispanics and Latinos, which we all come from different freaking countries. We're all bunched into the same thing. And it's like, well, you know what's happening? There's a lot of children that are being traumatized and beat up and they're having to learn two different languages.

There's a lot on their freaking shoulders. And then they don't have opportunities when they become adults because anyway, I just, I just, I want the culture to be dismantled. I want, I want children to take over. Well, I think. you could argue that we have a lot of children in charge. Those are narcissistic. If you watched South Park, apartments, just carments.

Yeah, totally. It's true. A major, at least. That's awesome. Natalie, this is an incredible conversation. I'm having so much fun. I've never done this in my life. I've never, ever done this in my life. What do you think so far?

I'm scared. I'm scared to leave here right now because then it's reality again I'm going to turn around and then people are going to be like I saw you I saw you online and I would be like

right they're going to be like you were awesome online he thinks we're sharing that I thought I would laugh this whole time I'm so glad I didn't but now I'm like I spoke I fucking vomited the whole time it was not at all

not at all I think that you know we spoke a lot about what you wanted to get out. I really like the idea of... I need to pay you for this therapy session. People probably say that. That's stupid. No, like, it's therapeutic in a lot of ways.

Like, for me too. Like, for me, too. Like, I get to sit here and talk. Like, that's why I do it. Like, I love learning from people. And I can't tell you how much in common I have with people when I start listening to them. Like, oh, that happened to you? Oh, that happened to you?

Oh, crap. Like, maybe like, it's amazing. The millions of patients, like, I can, I can always connect with them. Yeah. Anything over anything. TV shows, we have the same feelings about that. Like, it's easy.

There's always connectivity, an ability to connect. You know, just anything. And I love that. Like, people might think you're trying too hard to talk to people. But I'm like, no, my eyes going to her dress. Like, it is so, you know, the colors. So I say, I love your dress. Right.

And so people thought I was, people would say, say, why are you sucking up? And I'm like, I don't know. Being obvious. I just like to speak about beauty. Right. So, yeah, I make people uncomfortable because I'll be like, oh, my God, I love blah, blah, blah. I get so excited when I see things.

And then, yeah, anyway. No, I love that. That's why people wear stuff like that. They want you to notice. And sometimes. Right. Right. And when people say things like, why are you sucking up?

What they're really saying is, damn it, how come I didn't think of that? You know what I mean? I don't have one tattoo on my body at all because I don't want to have something that permanent on my body. Because I'll be like, I don't even like moles that are stuck there. I just want to like rejuvenate, rejuvenate. I had a really bad surgery. So I had like two years ago. Yeah, everything happened in 2021.

But I had to get a blood transfusion. And it was the, I was like, wait a minute. my my numbers are what like I they she told me and I was like I know what this means come out I'm a statistic in the in the book in the textbook it's a mean now so we got my they got my blood and as it was going in me I was like why am I afraid of this this is just a stupid vehicle but like this is just a meat suit yeah why am I afraid like we all have blood like yeah I'm not a better blood so it went through me and my bruises that I had disappeared. I think I'm superhuman now.

Yeah, I think so too. Yeah, I had to save my life because I, anyway, go ahead. Go ahead. No, I was just going to talk about the blood. I recently learned to talk to one of my friends who's from Japan that, you know, the same way some people look at astrological signs and can claim to know or have insight into someone's personality. In Japan, they do that with the blood. Like, oh, you're B-Positive? Oh, my God. Have you heard about that? I lived there for four years. Oh, okay. Sorry, four months, four months. I did the

the Japanese English language teaching. Awesome. Yeah. How is that? God, I was a Japanophile. So after college, I wanted, I was like, oh my God, my best friend did this. I have to do it. Yeah. And I didn't, I didn't do it through the government schooling. I did it through a private company. Oh, nice. So there was different standards, and I had to work. Like, how did you, like, a lot of ridiculous things. Like, the interview was in New York City, and I was like, that's fine. So I got interview clothes and went downtown to me.

I was like, I grew up going to Queens, New York all the summers in my life. So I knew New York. So I was like, but I'm going for an interview. So I flew from here and went there. And I gave a lesson where I like almost performed. the lesson because I knew they would like to me to be as gangy as possible. That's what they like.

So I'm like, this is this and that and snowing and ice. And I was like being ridiculous. They loved me. They hired me. And then I was like, oh my God. I get to choose where to go. Oh my God. And so I was like, I'll be in the middle of city. I'll be the suburbs, basically.

And I got there and it just wasn't as romantic as all those stories I followed online, all these girls that had their stories and their blogs of making it in Japan. This is my hotel, my apartment, my friends. It didn't turn out that way. I was in the middle of this industrialized part of Nagoya, and I was so alone. I got so depressed.

I kept trying to contact the friends I made in the training week, but yes, the children had vials of blood that would say they're O positive, whatever. I'm like, so they would have that. They have cards that show their blood type. It's like a, yeah, it's a trendy thing. Does it seem accurate to you? The whole story to tell you that. I'm sorry.

Yeah. Yeah. No, it's perfect. When I finally look at myself in the video, I'm like, oh, my God, I was just talking that long. about that. Yeah, that's because that's what the question was.

You're right. I know. I could talk forever about Japan. I'm going through my history of junk and throwing everything away, but I cannot,

I cannot get rid of my Japan things. Yeah, why would you? That sounds like an incredible time. I was so happy shopping there because it was, I was in Japan,

I was 24. Right. And I was just getting all the San Rio and just all this stuff. I say hello kitty. There's more than Hello Kitty there.

There's just so much. Anyway, I'll go back again someday. I'll go back there and just, I think they have cannabis there now, right? Yeah. That would be a great place for someone to open up like a psychedelic center or a wellness center there.

And you already have experience, right? They already do their mushrooms there on the slot. Like, look at Mario. Like Mario. Like, after I try, after I had an experience, I realized, oh my God, the oompa, what are they called? The lupas, the brown guys and the turtles and the tunnels.

Oh my God. Somebody at Nintendo was totally on mushrooms and then we're like, we're going to have this. This is going to take over the whole world. We're called Super Mario Brothers. We're going to have a whole mushroom game. Yeah. I never thought about it like that. It's true.

That was one of the best moments of my life getting that. system when I was a little girl because my dad was happy to give it to like he's that's a thing like he was such a narcissist he's like I got to have the best things for my family we're going to have all these cars and all these things so he was like a salesman like so I can't anyway I seem like I could be a good salesperson but I my dad gets in the way so he was like we're going to have Nintendo and that was the best thing ever because I didn't play the most I didn't play really was sister, my older sister, because she could conquer everything for me. So I just, I ended up understanding Twitch because of that.

Like, I was a child just watching other people play, my sister. Just because it's enough, you have to be a cheerleader. I'm a great cheerleader. I'm like, do, to jump, oh. So that's where I, there's a lot of siblings that had that role. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I could, I'm sorry. I haven't been on a date in like two years, three years.

Take with mushrooms, a date with destiny, it seems like. I'm sorry I called this a date. I didn't mean to call this a date. What I meant is like, you know, like you get to know somebody. I'm not getting to know you, so I haven't done this in a long time. Yeah, it's awesome. I'm still here. I'm not melted away from all this heat.

Yeah. Yeah, it's amazing. Like, I really enjoy it. And I think that in a long-form conversation like this, like, no one can hide. Like, you get to know who people are. And like, it's beautiful, right? Like, I love, I love it. There's so many Joe Rogan podcasts where I'm just like, that's not how it would go.

And I'm like, oh, my God, that's exactly how it's going. I can't shut up. Because you're like, why did they say that? No, shut up. Don't get that away. and then you're doing it. Yeah. And people love you for it because they realize like that person is just like me.

You know, they say this thing or they do that thing or they had this thing happen. But it's amazing. I'm so stoked for the future that we have and I'm so stoked for the world of psychedelics. And more than that, like I'm so stoked that there's people like you out there that have a background in trauma that are willing to leverage that background to do what's right for other people. Like that to me is like the true definition. of somebody who cares. I love it. I'm super stoked.

Thank you. I didn't mean it to sound like that. Like, I gave up my nursing career because I... I don't think it did. I don't think it's kind of like that at all. I think it's a natural progression. The matrix, the matrix pushing me out. There are many people.

A lot of my patients would love to have me as their nurse again. But legally, it's like she's talking a lot about measures. Let's look into her. And then boom, there goes my life. license. And it's like, I don't, I don't want that to happen. So I'm, I've been put here. I've, I've, I've just been in this address forever. It feels like, no, for almost two years now. My God, 16 months. I'm counting. I grew up here. I grew up here. Sorry. That's okay. I think that's what works, though. Like, you know, it, it pushes us. We're moved by words and forces that we don't understand and we're put in

these positions and we think it's our fault. But after you start taking mushrooms or psychedelics, or you begin a relationship with a heightened state of awareness, you realize you're not even driving this thing. You're just, you're just reacting to it. And in some ways, you should just be thankful for what you have right now because you don't know what's going to happen. You could win the lottery tomorrow or you could get hit by a car. Nothing could happen. But the fact that you're in a tough spot right now, and I got news for everybody. I got good news and bad news is the bad news is I'm sorry in a tough spot. The good news is if you're not in a tough spot now that you're going to be in a tough spot, like it happens to all of us and it's an upgrade. It's growth. It's moving forward and it's

something that you may not understand at the time, but you can begin to understand as you work through it, right? That's what, yeah, I always ask people, how are you coping in life right now? Because that's a better assessment on what's really going on with them because everyone's going through stress. Yeah. It's how they're managing that stress. Are they fighting everyone's head off? Are they drinking a lot of alcohol?

Are they having a lot of sex? Are they eating a lot of food? It's just like that's the kind of, it's like, okay, if you want to cope through that better and you want help, I can guide you to meditation. As a nurse, you're supposed to start with treatments as non-invasive first. Yeah. So working out diet, right? Yeah.

And you want to avoid surgery at all costs. So like for me, when it comes to psychedelics, it's like, have you tried meditating first? Have you tried journaling first? Mm-hmm. Did you go to a therapist? And then it's like, okay, if you're going to do this and I'm not pushing in or advocating it, then they go through with the psychedelic. But it's like you can still get to those heights with meditation. and breath work, but if you're impatient like me, he has a lot of trauma, you might just need

the mushroom. Yeah. Or the-jum-start this thing. I've had acid. I've had acid. And, okay, this is my take on it, right? Okay, let's hear. Okay, so, like, so this is, so this is, like, when you're on a mushroom trip, it's like this.

And then with acid, it's like, acids, it's like, you're like, you're like, wait, wait. Wait, wait, I'm back in reality. I did not like that. Oh. It's long, too. Like, acid, it's like a long time. I hope you got eight or ten hours. I woke up.

I was still tripping. I was like, no, because when you wake up for mushrooms, you're like, exhausted. And you're like, I went through the battle. I'm an amazing warrior. But after acid, you're like, you're still, I took patches for a walk. and the tree trunks. The tree trunks in the ground, you know, creeping out of the ground,

were alligators. So that was surreal because I thought it was normal. I thought it was completely sober. And then I saw that very crisp, I'm like, that's not mushrooms. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you don't get that with mushrooms. Yeah, exactly.

Mushrooms is like, here's your window and that's it. And like anything can take you right out. Your mom pissing you on. can take you out. So I begged, I was like, I'm going to have an experience. And then the last time I did it, she took me out because she just wanted to have an attitude. And I was like, there is.

And so I just started drawing, let it go. But I haven't had a big trip or anything since the nightmare on New Year's Eve last year. So I've only tripped like twice this year. So you don't like so last year was the dedicated the dedicated craziness of doing them extensive a little bit. Yeah. Like probably two big doses a month. Yeah. So but I stopped in December and I've just been healing without them really.

Yeah. Not even microdosing. I'm just eating and living. Yeah. I'm like I can get through this. But also because I just I just don't want to. I don't need to. Yeah.

I meditate all the time. And yes, I do have THC, but it doesn't, it's not going to, you know, getting high is not what people used to think it is. It's just like for me, my back doesn't hurt. And then I can. So, but yeah. So just THC and attitude and being outside for two years. almost. I mean, I sleep in my room, but I'm out here all the time. So I haven't gotten, knock on wood, but I haven't gotten sick since before, since 2019. I haven't been out here since 2019, but like,

I can't believe I made it through COVID. I never got COVID. But I'm such a hermit. Like, it's not fair to, you know, I'm such, I'm a hermit for Florida. When I was in Missouri, I was not a permit. So if I leave home, I will be out and about. Yeah. I won't be online as much. Yeah. But maybe I don't know. Maybe I should be online. Who knows? Who knows what you'll be? You know, you could be both. You could be outside and online. This is not my normal hair. I'm usually just jet black. I just have jet black hair. But last summer, when I was going through it, I was like, I'm going to do purple. And so I bleached my hair.

and then it was purple and then when it was coming out I was like wow I've never seen me with blonde hair I'll do it again and then this time she did caramel and I'm like I don't know if I like caramel I'm just don't let me grow out

but otherwise I don't do maintenance like I don't do this stuff I just I'm not I'm not a normal effeminate female I'm a masculine female and so it's hard for me to like I'm not by I could be.

So much is changing. I mean, seriously, I'm like, I, like, I'm like, I'm like, wow, my God, look at her, you know. Women are just like the fairies. When I was, that was when I crossed over, I was like, I understand why women are so, I understand. And it was this light post that I was staring at. And it was naked fairies. their breasts and everything was perfect and they were just flying, flying around

and I could understand what falling in love with a woman's body was like what it meant in that state of mind but after that I was like, same. I'm like, I'm still, I'm still attracted to in a straight way but I'm more, I just think everyone's female. I'm like everyone's

Yeah, well we've got both energies, I think, you know, and it's really hard to not be attracted to a perform, a form of perfection, you know, and whether it's whether it's male or female or whether it's a dog or whether it's the architecture of a building. Like when we see a form that has just all the right angles on it or has all the right symmetry, we're like, wow, that's beautiful. Yeah, but don't you think the whole world's upset? with women, we are. Yeah. We all are. We are. Like that's what, I mean, it's what sells, but it's because it's what motivates us.

I mean, they're always telling little boys from the start, you got to have the car. If you don't have looks, if you don't have, you got to get. So everything is geared for the girl. Because it's life. Like, right? A woman is the only being on this planet that can give life. You know? I know.

We're, we are everything. I understand that now. I went back when I was an atheist, and I was like bitter negative about everything. I didn't think like this, but I, women are. Yeah, it's true. And, you know, when you look at it from that angle, all of a sudden you realize that, like, we're all connected.

Like, we're all everything, you know, and if we could just find a way to harmonize a little bit more, and I think we are. And I think mushrooms and psychedelics are a big part of it, but if we can get to a sort of equilibrium where we don't live in such scarcity, we're not bothered by, I don't have enough money, I don't have a nice car, I don't have enough, you know, when we can get away from that kind of stuff. Because people are listening and watching.

Yeah, all day long. If I go in there, the air is MSNBC or Univision or Telemundo, which means the devastations of South America, list form, the devastations everywhere that I can't do anything about. Yeah. I'm going to sit and fester in negative rotten anger and sadness. Yeah. Learn helplessness.

And I just can't do anything about the news. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, why are we watching this mom? Yeah. She's like, but it's so, look at those people. I'm like, we can't do anything about it. So people, I flipped.

People think I'm insensitive, but I'm like, I want to be in control of my environment. If I can't control the emotions of thousands and millions of people, like they're controlling me. The media is. We talked about the submarine for a million years, but I'm sitting here and looking at the boat overturned with all those lives. Like I can't even have children, just people and no one's talking about it. Yeah.

So if you're going to tell me, then I'm insensitive because you're not, I'm not choking. I'm not choking on. all of your information that is purposely trying to make me want to kill myself. Well, then I'm sorry. I'm going to just focus on my freaking community in front of my face. I'm in a neighborhood. And then beyond that, I'm in a city.

Oh, my God. There's stuff going on here. There's shootings and killings and tons of people who have weird, like, sinkholes. Like, not a lot. Right. But I'm like, oh, my God, it's going to happen today. There's so many sinkholes in Florida. Yeah.

Yeah. It's amazing, too. That's a weird fear that I have that I'm like, what if God just decides we're done? And the floor just opens up because that's what happened here. Like, around the corner, there's a house where the floor just opened up and just swallowed somebody. I'm like, I just have to go. I know.

It's Florida, though. There's so much bad energy here. all these Coke-fing ghosts all over the place from the 80s. Right, right. Miami Vice down there. It's still bad there. The Coke is really bad there. So it's like, I mean, because you can see it on the, like, people just throw it in downtown.

So it's like, we build this city on cocaine. That's that song from Miami. Yeah. Although Miami Vice exists. Anyway. Sorry. This is guys. This is God.

I've got to stop talking. It's perfect. I never heard myself this long. It's amazing, right? Like, it's a great conversation. It's entertaining and it's original. I'm just, I can hear people going, oh, my God, this girl. I can hear that.

Oh, my God. They're probably like, oh, my God, I'm going to listen even more. It's so much better than Telemundo or news, right? I had to watch Saoio, though, he got into every Saturday night in my background of my life and gosh that was so bad chauvinistic and exploitation it was like they had the gong show time like the that the era portion of the show and it was just devastating as a child to watch these people just get mocked and made fun of it's like man in a sombrero it was so weird so anyway that stuff's over with that doesn't happen in saturday on saturday night on

Spanish TV anymore, but the novellas, it's rampant. Novelas of like, just life is, all life is about is romance. Yeah. That's all it is. And if there's not, there's got to be drama. There's got to be fights. There's got to be cheating or killing. And it's like, why, why is this?

Oh, you know what it is? It's not, it's not novellas anymore. It's these, so the Spanish channels. have taken on to reality TV. Reality TV and they have something like Big Brother. And so that is what my grandmother watched to her last days was this show. And I swear, I think she waited until it ended and then. She's like, okay.

Oh my God, yes. That's, you know, I'm not making fun of her life, but it's like it's, you know, she didn't, I'm doing this now because she didn't think she could, which is like, do what you want and be happy. Right. Right. So what they could, all they could do is just watch drama, because that's all they know is the drama in their life from the things they ignored their men doing.

Whole other family, whole freaking other family my grandfather had that I learned about when I was older. Everybody knows. Anyway, so, so I'm like, that's stupid. That's so stupid that she would just be going on with this information and leave him. And you're like, why didn't my dad leave? My mom leave my dad. And so you're, so that's, anyway, point is.

Yeah, that's a great question. Yeah. That's, that's all the shadow work I've gone through. Yeah. Well, it's because you've done that that you're not in that situation. You know what I mean? And that's, I don't think people give himself enough credit. Like, that's so freaking hard to do.

Like, generations couldn't face it. And now all of a sudden, you're going to face it. Like, my family is my sister because, like, everybody needs me. But. I doubt that. I have a lot. I have a lot of cousins. and, you know, we all don't like each other because we're so defensive over our parents being

hurt by the other parents. Yeah. I'm done fighting. I'm done being mad at other people because my dad was wounded by his ego. Yeah. I have aunts and uncles that hate me. I'm like, you're a child. Yeah.

It's like, stop it. This is psychology beyond belief that they all need so much help. But yeah, I'm like, my mom. going to talk to therapy and after that consider she's like after therapy i'll consider mushrooms i'm like yeah that's a good close out if you want to close me out all right well i don't want to close you out but i got yeah i mean i got i got my my family's going to be back in a little bit from school so but i um how how old are your kids my daughter is nine and my my son ojan died when he was he was a baby but my daughter's nine and my uh she comes back

She's going to summer school, so she's usually back around like 1130 or so. And then nine years old. Yeah. That's it. That's it. You had up until eight. I know. Up until eight.

They're the best. I love. I know. She's, this is where she starts going from daddy to dad. Has it happened yet? Has it happened? In my mind, like I don't think, like I don't want to believe it'll ever happen.

Yeah. It never. No, because at 22, she's going to. I need you and she's like, Daddy. I know, right now. He's going to cry. It'll come right back. Oh, yeah.

You got a caretaker for life. You got someone who's always going to watch your diet for you for life. I love children. I love the bonds with children and parents, and I always support it. I mean, I was with married men, like, sorry, men who were married. And they had kids and stuff. Right. I would be like, okay.

well, what do your kids want? Like, I always like, maybe I would start. And then I was always afraid their kids wouldn't like me. The kids always liked me. Yeah. Because I was just, I love hanging out with kids. So when I would be with them, I'm like, why didn't you bully them?

I didn't bully my kid. I'm like, when you made fun of them and you said, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. That's like, and so I have these different. I'm in the, I'm in the kid's defense. Whether my relationship last or not, I'm here for the kids. So guys that had relationships with kids or had children prior relationships were happy that I liked kids.

But then they were really insecure, dude. So I'm like, you're not being a good dad here. Right. Right. Yeah. So I'm like, I got to go. I got to make my own family. But I haven't been able to make my own family. So it's just whatever.

Well, a new chapter is starting. Yeah, new chapter. I'm part two, Nanleap 2.0. Yeah, like it's the new, it's the death and rebirth thing. Like I, you know, I think, I think a lot of us are in the same situation where we have worked our way to this point. Some of us are 30s. Some of us are 40s. Some of us may even be in our 50s or older or younger.

But I think everybody gets to a point where they had enough and then they start anew. And I think it's a beautiful thing. it's not easy. It's the same risk of dying in the birth canal as we die in this transition of midlife. But I think if we believe in ourselves and we surround ourselves with like-minded people, I think we come out of this thing stronger with more knowledge and we become the person we're supposed to be. I've never been accepted like this, though. Welcome. Welcome. It's the psychedelic community. Finally, it wasn't my culture, it wasn't my school, friends, whatever,

was in Japan. I could never find my, my group. But when... They've been calling you. Yeah. They came to me. And I love everybody. Yeah. I love every other. There's so many people on LinkedIn that I, if I saw them right today, I would cry so happy. Like I'm seeing my family member.

Like when I meet guy, I'm going to cry. Because I can, I know we've shared lives together before. He's, oh. Oh, can you hear me? Yeah, I can hear you. I lost you. I touched Apple music and then it just started, damn thing. You're like, oh, no.

It's probably a good thing that I quit because the universe was probably telling me to shut up. Well, I think. All these little hairs that I try to hide are starting to come out. Classic. All right, Natalie, I'll let you go. I'm super thankful. This is a really incredible time, and I love talking to you. And this is a lot of fun.

I think we learned a lot. It's a lot of time spent that I'm going to look back at and rethink and be obsessively critical over. I can't wait to hear about what you think about it after your next trip because I know you're going to trip and be like, oh, my God, I said this. I did that, right? But I think you're also going to be like, oh, my God, I'm so stoked I said that. Yeah, that was such a good point. Oh, my God. I can't.

I say that's so cool. I think you'd be saying stuff like that. No, I'm going to be like, hold the world that I love my family. I hope they know that I love them. And I'm rooting for them to get through their weirdness of their lives that I know that they experienced because I did. And now I'm just happy with it.

And I don't have to control everyone around me to do it. Yeah, that's a great way to do. I love your family too. I'm so stoked that they created you because I think you're doing a lot of good in the world. My dad. My dad is a lot in, like, I have a lot of my dad. Awesome. The good parts, right? And the parts you're working through. Not the, not the Sopranos part. I mean, when I get mad, yeah. But I don't get mad like that. Yeah. I keep things too silly. So before I let you go down, where can people find you?

Is it your LinkedIn? I know you have your own website. Is that up and running? Where can people find it? Well, I try to like, if you go to my website, it's like, I can do this for you. I can facilitate, but people haven't really contacted me. So I'm like, I'm not going to market myself. I don't, it's so fake for me to like, people can do that. People can be like, hey guys, this is the Natalie channel. And what we're going to talk about, not me. Me, I'm like, I'm like, okay, I feel like this today.

And so I can't market myself because I can't lie. I can't I can't lie. I feel like I'm lying if I'm like hey guys you would come to my pay yeah I can't I can't I can't so I'm like I can't do sales if I need if I want people to come talk to me if I want for people to find me to come talk to me I will have to go get another freaking degree type three I don't want to do things authentically I don't like to beg for people's money or attention it just it's not me my dad was a salesman and killed me. My dad nearly killed me so he could be in sales. I hate anything that has to do with sales. It's a nervous PTSD thing. So I'm never going to make money. I'll always be poor. It's fine. I'm fine. People can get a hold of me right now on stupid Instagram and talk to me if they want. And I'm writing for, I'm writing for psychedelic support, not personal blogs or anything. it's a breakdown of research that I find online of psychedelics important health matters and I'm like, wait a minute, why does this happen?

And then I formulate it and there have been that that that was what I was going to say. It was like when it got cut off and I was telling you how much how in love I am with Guy. So yeah, this whole moment has led up to psychedelic support changing my life forever. I could die tomorrow, but I wrote, at least I wrote for psychedelic support. That's how it feels because. Right. I don't know if I could do, she's, I don't know, she's, I'm, if I could be a woman, I can't explain it.

Like, I didn't have the best, um, female, you know, role models. So when I, when I find a strong woman that I am so in all of, um, you just, you can, can't get enough. And then, and then they email you. They email you. And you're like, oh my God. So I've never, like, I've never been, I've never had these emotions because I've always been so afraid of like, finding love. And now I'm like giddy and nervous and crazy for getting emails from work. Yeah. And, and just, I cry to like guy, you know, like someone I'm not romantic with because he's gay and I'm, I don't know where I'm at. I'm very straight right now. I want to be cool, but I'm not that cool yet.

I'm still afraid of girls. Anyway, but yeah, so that's a thing. A platonic relationship where I could just so tremendously love somebody and not fear anything that I have to reciprocate, give them things. That's all part of the narcissist toxicity. People can really recover with mushrooms, so I really want this for everybody. Thank you so much. much, George. Are you kidding?

Thank you. George, you're amazing. That feels good. Thank you. You're so patient. You're a great father. Holy cow. Very good father. Because you just, you just gave me all this parental attention. I've never gotten paternal attention. So thank you. Absolutely. It's kind words like that that make me want to continue to do what I'm doing. And I'm thankful to you. I'm thankful for our conversations. And I'm thankful that we can put something out that other people can learn from you know and i think that's such a beautiful part

of relationships it's so much better don't bunch Hispanic people into things anymore we're going through a lot and there's like a lot of us are so smart and we can't tell people because we don't have a platform or no one's going to listen to it like the little girl the mexican girl who's like she's 12 and she's the smartest person in the world i i should know her name by heart I'm not the smartest person in the world, though. But she needs to be more famous. But she's Latin, so nobody freaking cares. It's like, whatever.

I'm so tired of it. I'll just joke about it. Right. Right. And no one's going to talk about it on Rogan. No one's going to go on Joe Rogan to be like, you know, Latin kids have to get beat up and learn two languages. But it's not, they want to talk about ice baths. Fine, fine.

I could be a real comedian about real life. stuff. Yeah. Yeah, you probably crush it. Because comedians, they might think they're talking about real life stuff, but it's so, it's not a, like how many Latin comedians are there? Like George Lopez, uh, see? I can't think of the other guys I need to see.

Yeah. Maybe I should be a comedian. Is that what this is? Oh, God. Maybe. Yeah. I can't do anything without laughing and making any. making a joke out of something.

It's a good way to go through life. It's a good way to see the world. Yeah, right? It is. Okay, I'm going to let you go, George. Please just hang up before. All right, Natalie. Hang on one second.

I'm going to talk to you afterwards, but I'm going to hang up with the audience right here. Hi, audience. My God. Oh, my God. The third one. Aloha, everybody. Thank you for hanging out with us today.

That's all we got. Thank you, sorry.