TrueLife - Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) # 5

Starting point is 00:00:01 Darkness struck, a gut-punched theft, Sun ripped away, her health bereft. I roar at the void. This ain't just fate, a cosmic scam I spit my hate. The games rigged tight, shadows deal, blood on their hands, I'll never kneel. Yet in the rage, a crack ignites, occulted sparks cut through the nights. The scars my key, hermetic and stark. To see, to rise, I hunt in the dark, fumbling, fear. Hears through ruins maze, lights my war cry, born from the blaze.

Starting point is 00:00:49 The poem is Angels with Rifles. The track, I Am Sorrow, I Am Lust by Codex Seraphini. Check out the entire song at the end of the cast. Well, well, well, look who's back. You guys came back. You know, they say if you love something, you should set it free. And if it comes back to you, it was meant to be. I guess this is meant to be, my friends.

Starting point is 00:01:31 You know what we're going to do today? We're going to do a little NLP number five. NLP number five, neurolinguistic programming. NLP. I am hopeful that you had a beautiful morning. I'm hopeful something beautiful happened to you. I'm hopeful that you will find some beauty in the words we are about to get into. I'm hopeful that you will find a lesson buried in the testimony of this lecture.

Starting point is 00:02:15 Do you guys have a good weekend? Do you have a good day? Good morning. I hope so. I want to start off with a quick story about something I did this weekend that was incredibly unexpected. It's not so much the event I did was unexpected. It was more about what I saw during the event. So here in Hawaii, we are on lockdown, like the majority of the places. However, there are some things you can do. One of the things you can do is you can go to the beach, however, you cannot

Starting point is 00:02:53 sit on the beach. That means you can do an activity in the water. You go surf, wind surf, boating, swimming, snorkeling. I chose to take my beautiful daughter to do some snorkeling at one of the local beaches. It was a beautiful day. I'm always hopeful when we go snorkeling that we're, first off, going to see fish. Second off, that we will see different kinds of fish.

Starting point is 00:03:30 Lastly, I'm hopeful we will see something that we've never seen before. This was one of those trips. Parked the truck, put our gear in the bag, walk down to the beach, put on our snorkels, grab the fins, dive into the water. I'm sure most of you can

Starting point is 00:03:54 close your eyes and imagine what the water in Hawaii looks like. Think of any tropical area, and it's this crystal blue water. Some spots are more. green than others and there is a reflection of silver streaks that run the length of the water almost like liquid lightning penetrating through the depths of the ocean as my daughter and i are swimming we're making our way out towards some of the reef and there's lots of colorful fish yellow and black, some spotted orange fish, big ones, small ones, round ones, poca dotted ones.

Starting point is 00:04:50 And as we're swimming, when you dive down somewhat or when you're, at least your ears are below the waterline, it's almost like you're in an alien universe. You're seeing the landscape that you don't know. normally see, it's foreign, it's almost alien. I hope I'm doing a good job of describing this, because what I saw next was mind-blowing. So we're making our way through the water, and we come upon a rather large rift between two parts of the reef.

Starting point is 00:05:37 The part we are swimming in on the reef is 15 to 20 feet and then as you swim a little further it drops down to like 30 feet and it's kind of black you can't really see the bottom it's like a little think of a small canyon where you're on top of the water and you're looking down into the depths of the canyon

Starting point is 00:05:59 and as we're swimming I look to the right and I see a figure and it's I know that there's other snorkelers out there However, as I look to the right, I see what appears to be a woman swimming up from the depths of the canyon. And as I focus in, I realize that it is a woman. And it's almost like she just appeared from the depths of this canyon. And I, my total attention, my total attention is upon her.

Starting point is 00:06:38 and as I I see her swimming up I notice that she's swimming towards a man who is swimming down the woman is 15 to 20 feet down and she is swimming up and she has no snorkel she has no fins

Starting point is 00:06:57 she's in this white garb she looks like a a manifestation of a princess of an underwater kingdom. And while this happened quickly, it seemed like it happened, it seemed like it was in slow motion. So I'm watching this woman with long, flowing hair

Starting point is 00:07:26 in this white semi-dress swim up, and she's meeting, and as I see her swimming up, she reaches out and embraces this man who is swimming down. And they clasp hands and they're drawn together and they kiss each other. It was mind-blowing. As I replay the scene in my mind, it seems like something out of a movie. And so I had a camera. Like I have it on camera.

Starting point is 00:08:09 I'll put a link in the show notes. You guys should all check it out. It's fascinating. And so I bring my camera over and I got the majority of it on camera. And then I come up, my daughter and I both swim somewhat to the top. We were somewhat on the surface because we were snorkeling. And then I noticed the two, the couple come up out of the water. And I immediately pull off, rip off my snorkel, my glasses.

Starting point is 00:08:42 I'm like, that is the, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. You should have someone take a picture of that. And as I'm saying that, I realize that they did have someone taken a picture of it. In the canyon, there was a scuba driver, and he was filming them take that scene. And then I realized this was a couple maybe getting their wedding photos. but it was such a mind-blowing picture. It was mesmerizing. I hope I did a good job explaining that.

Starting point is 00:09:22 I hope you take a moment to go into the notes and watch it because it is magnificent. So, yeah, that was my beginning story of my weekend. I hope you enjoyed that one there. You're probably thinking, yeah, this is supposed to be neurolinguistic programming, George. Not the whole, hey, listen to my weekend. Hey, look what I did. Sorry about that. I hope you found it in joyful. I know I did. And it was awesome. So if you're getting ready to get married or if you want a cool picture, you should think about doing that scene. It's awesome. Okay. Let us begin on the proverbs. Thought and action. thinking everyone who succeeds must first dream so remember that your head is not just there for a hat

Starting point is 00:10:17 and that if you fail to plan you plan to fail at the very least don't go out of your depth before you can swim because if you know the road you can ride full trot and if you can't then ask those coming back for the best way forward. A person in a hurry arrives late, whereas slow and steady wins the race. So first catch your hair, because once you know how, to know and to act are the same. That's why practice makes perfect, and repetition is the mother of memory. And also why a pleasant thought never comes too soon. So be aware that a tree only moves if there's wind. And a watched pot. And a watched pot, never boils, which is why you don't call a dog with a whip in your hand, and a big goat does not sneeze without a reason. Deciding. Some say that the world is conquered with words, not swords,

Starting point is 00:11:25 though this is easier said than done. For fine words don't put porridge in the pot. Of course, thought is free. And anything that releases you from a dilemma, is useful. But remember, that's easier to think than to act. And you don't get anywhere by running in your mind. Nevertheless, the mind is powerful. Work doesn't kill, but worry does. And if you think something impossible, it will be. Just as if the heart is unwilling, it will make a thousand excuses. That's why, where there's a will, there's a way. And what isn't can yet be done. For you already have all you need to become great. Above all, always try to do onto others as you would have them do unto you. And never say never. Of course, smooth hands love the labor of

Starting point is 00:12:28 others. And the coward will always say, when in doubt, don't. For no choice is also a choice. But even if the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, generally elbow grease is the best polish. Action. A rocky field demands a pickaxe, not a prayer. So never put off tomorrow what you can do today. And even if the eyes fear the hands will do the work, of course, least said, soonest mended. And actions speak louder than words. So it's mostly better to have less thunder in the mouth and more lightning in the hand. For when you grasp a nettle like a lad of metal, as soft as silk it will remain. In the same spirit, put your best foot forward. to be the master of your will and the slave of your conscious.

Starting point is 00:13:32 And if your destiny doesn't fit, then fit yourself to your destiny. All actions have reactions, so practice what you preach. And remember that if brag is a good dog, hold fast is better. Above all, act honestly and speak boldly. Tread gently on the ground and leave it as found. If you're in a hole, stop digging. That is such good advice. I really like those.

Starting point is 00:14:03 I hope you guys do as well. All right, my friends, let's go ahead and jump right in here to the next NLP. I think we shall call this, I kind of like tactical empathy. I kind of like that. But we might go with something a little bit more conventional. Maybe, you know what, let's just do tactical empathy. Why not? I like it. Sounds nice. That was a term originally created by Chris Voss in the book.

Starting point is 00:14:43 Never Split the Difference. Great book, by the way. This chapter is going to be about making connections with yourself and others, the ramifications of that, some techniques to do it. Maybe a story or two. We're going to get into the key points. As always, we're going to define them and use them in a offensive posture and a defensive posture.

Starting point is 00:15:07 Let's get started. So what is making comfortable connections? What is tactical empathy? Well, in this era of ever-evolving technology, experts say we communicate more than ever before because we can so easily connect to information, to other people, and to places all over the world. Others say that these instantaneous fleeting touches don't really satisfy our need for human connection.

Starting point is 00:15:38 And some educators and business leaders fear that our reliance on electronic technologies will limit our ability to communicate and connect in face-to-face situations. You know, I heard a story once that was a religious figure and he was speaking to a group. And he said something that was really interesting. What he said is that there's more people on the planet today than there's ever been. The ability via the internet to reach out and touch or contact or have a conversation with people all around you is almost limitless. However, the number one thing plaguing, the number one mental illness plaguing our society to today is loneliness. Interesting to think about, right? Key idea number one. We all process experience in a similar way. Yet because our experiences are different, we create different inner worlds,

Starting point is 00:16:51 different maps of how the world works. I was thinking of a good way to truly explain this to you. and I think we can do it with a passage from ecclesiastases. So I'm going to read it to you, and as I read it to you, I want you to think if you've had one of these times, if you are currently in one of these times, and how you move between these times, a time for everything. There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under you.

Starting point is 00:17:33 heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. Time to plant and a time to uproot. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build. A time to weep. A time to laugh. A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them. A time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war, and a time for peace. I want you to think of that as your map. As you go through life, you will be in all of the those times. You'll spend more in some time, some of those times and other times. Everyone's going to be a

Starting point is 00:18:37 little different. However, if you're aware of where you are, if you look at that particular poem as a map, you can see where you are in your own emotions. And if you get really good, you can see how you move between those emotions and you can probably establish a pattern. Maybe you go from a time to tear down to a time to speak. Or maybe you go from a time to love to a time to dance, a time to refrain. If you pay attention, you'll be able to find your pattern. And once you do that, you'll be better able to understand your thought patterns. That will be the actual defensive posture is understanding the map that you have. It's going to help you connect. to yourself. Once you can do that, you can connect better to other people. An offensive pattern

Starting point is 00:19:34 would be to know how you move between those patterns and apply that to other people. Once you notice how you, what time you're in and how you move between those times, you can help other people maybe move through when there, perhaps you know someone you love who is in a time to tear down or in a time to weep, you can remember what it was that allowed you to move from a time to weep to a time to laugh, or from a time to tear down to a time to build. That would be the offensive posture.

Starting point is 00:20:21 Next key point. Being the way each of us is is a choice. We can always choose to rewire ourselves, strengthening a quality we already have or modeling one from someone who has a quality we admire and if we don't like a change we made we can change it again and make it better it's important to note that at times we're overwhelmed by emotions but you can choose to embrace and stay in that emotion where you can choose to embrace that emotion for a moment and move on. Just knowing that what emotion you're feeling is a choice, knowing that you're in control of your emotions, that's going to

Starting point is 00:21:20 help you have a better relationship with yourself, a better connection with yourself. A good way to think of this. Imagine yourself as a king or a queen. and you're sitting in your throne room. And as you're sitting in your throne, there's a long line of people, a long line of all the people who are your people that you govern, your citizens.

Starting point is 00:21:54 And this line is wrapped all the way out your beautiful throne room on your red carpet all the way out the door. And each person is waiting to speak to you. do you have that envisioned so you're sitting there in your gown or your king's robe and there's this long line of subjects waiting just to get your attention and talk to you okay in that particular metaphor you the king or the queen are the decider and all those people lined up are your thoughts and they're jumping up and down and waving their arms like hey look at me hey pay attention to me i'm over here here. I'm over here. And your job as the king, the queen, or the decider is to bring them up one by one, give them a big hug, think about it for a second, and then send them on their way. Give them a little bit of attention and then send them on their way. You don't need to embrace all of them for a long period of time. You just need to embrace them for a moment and decide whether this is something you're going

Starting point is 00:23:09 spend a lot of time with or a little bit of time with. You decide what thoughts you let in. You decide which ones to embrace. It's your choice. That is how you can always choose to rewire yourself by choosing which thoughts to embrace, by choosing which person you're going to allow in to the realm of the decider. That is the defensive person. posture. The offensive posture is knowing that the decision other people make is a choice. This is a relatively easy one on offense. All you really have to do is in a conversation with someone else who's feeling bad or feeling

Starting point is 00:24:01 upset or feeling poorly about themselves. All you really have to do is explain to them, listen, this is a choice. You don't have to feel that way. what you focus on is what you feel and right now you're focusing on these negative things that you're going to feel negative one way to snap people out of that on the offense is just ask is that true is that true what would it what would have to happen for that to be true and you can usually get people to understand that they're making a choice to feel the way they feel and that's usually enough to snap them out so that would be the offensive posture next

Starting point is 00:24:42 key point. Getting feedback from other people about what they'd like us to keep doing, stop doing, and start doing, offers us helpful insights that may enable us to improve our interactions and relationships. This is a critical one, and it can be difficult. It's difficult to hear the truth about yourself sometimes, but it's imperative to do so. If you have someone that you truly care about in your life, you should truly care about their opinion of you. And if they truly care about you, they'll give you an honest opinion. And you can work on that honest opinion. It'll make you a better person.

Starting point is 00:25:27 On the defensive posture, talking to someone whom you love and getting an honest opinion of where you're at, what you're doing, that people like, what you're doing that people don't like, it gives you a, an honest idea of where you're at in your relationship. On a defensive posture, if you can find out what it is that some people like about you and what some people don't like about you, you'll know how to better apply those to situations, to conversations you're having with that person.

Starting point is 00:26:13 That would be the offensive posture. All right. Next key point. Shifting between the three perceptual positions as appropriate can increase one's effectiveness. It's best practice to operate from first position so we know what we see and feel. Then we can briefly visit second position to try on something from someone else's point of view or go to third position to get more complete and objective information. So I'd like to just briefly go over what each one is.

Starting point is 00:26:48 of those positions are. First position. First position is where you're in your own body. You see everything through your eyes and you know exactly how you feel. You know what you want and that's a position of great authenticity. It can also be a kind of infantile position after all. It's the perceptual position we had when we were babies, right? At that point, we really knew what we wanted. I'm hungry, I'm cold, I'm wet. That's all we knew then, and we yelled until we got it addressed. You probably know some adults who still operate like this. When people get stuck in first position, we describe them as narcissistic or immature. In NLP, some people also refer to this position as self. The second position. Second position is that position where you're very in-tune.

Starting point is 00:27:47 to the other person. You feel someone else's pain. If you're in second position, you might get someone a glass of water before they even know they're thirsty. It's a position of great solicitation and understanding of others. When we go too far with second position, we tend to be over-dependent. And that's often referred to as codependency. In NLP, some people refer to this position as the other. Just think about

Starting point is 00:28:17 like an overwhelming feeling of empathy, almost to a fault. Actually, thinking from that person's not only point of view, but as if you were the other person. Third position. In NLP, the third position is often called the observer position. That's when you're outside a situation

Starting point is 00:28:41 and you just sort of record what's happening. You see what's going on. completely separate from yourself like an objective reporter might. It's a position where you can evaluate yourself and options. Scientists, for instance, frequently operate from third position as do surgeons, engineers, and professional performers. People who work in these professions benefit from stepping outside themselves to judge what's going on. And because there's not a lot of emotion in third position, they can effectively determine what's working and what changes might be helpful. There is a drawback, though. If someone gets stuck in third position, they're sort of habitually

Starting point is 00:29:24 detached and people feel like they can't ever really connect with them. Again, the goal is to take advantage of these different options. So you want to try and run through all three of these position. This is going to be the defensive posture. When you find yourself in a critical situation, obviously the first thing you're probably going to think from is first position, how you feel. And then secondly, try and use a little bit of empathy and act as if you were thinking from the other person's position, which is position two. And that'll give you some insight into what you can do to react to that person, how they're feeling. However, before making your final decision,

Starting point is 00:30:17 try to go to third position and look at it from an objective outside. If you can quickly run through first, second, and third position, whenever making a critical decision, you're going to be able to better solve problems and have a better understanding of the actual situation. This particular key point is one you're really going to want to work on and you're going to find strengths and weaknesses for the offensive position

Starting point is 00:30:49 and the defensive position in first person, second person, and third person views. It's going to affect each one a little bit differently depending on the situation you're in and it's going to take a little bit of experimentation to find out how you best use those positions. So I'll leave it to you to do some experimentation and find out what's best for you on offense and defense for this particular key point. All right. Next key point. Brain generalizations or filters. Our initial impressions are gathered in a process called G-G-N-E. And this is what we immediately notice. someone's gender, generation, nationality, educational level, and emotions.

Starting point is 00:31:47 So I'd like to quickly go through those a little bit and give you an idea of how we make immediate assessments. These have been somewhat hardwired into us since we've been using them since birth. So when we meet someone for the first time, our brains begin to instantly process information that you may or may not be aware of what we see what we hear what we feel and in order to help you understand and remember this process there's an acronym it's called g gne in a first meeting here's what we'd initially notice about someone in this order we noticed that person's gender it's not because of how they're dressed it's because we're biological critters percent come in two versions. So the first thing we notice is what version the other person is.

Starting point is 00:32:44 Generation or age. Are they children? Are they of reproductive age? Are they older? Are they wise? Are they a dependent? In nationality or ethnicity? Basically what color, what type of person they are. Next is educational level. As we talk to them or as we see how they're dressed will draw some conclusions about their educational level, which is sort of socioeconomic. Next is emotions. After taking in and processing these other details, then we sort of fantasize about their emotions. What do they seem to be feeling? How do they seem to act? What kind of person might they be in Situation X? So it's important to understand how you make these quick generalization maybe establish a pattern if you can be critical of yourself and how you judge people you can use

Starting point is 00:33:43 this acronym of g g-g-n-e-e-e to assess if you're prejudice in some ways or if your if your criticisms of others are accurate or you can see if there's any work you need to do on yourself one good exercise is to look in the mirror and apply these generalizations to yourself and see how honest they are. That would be the defensive posture. On the offensive posture, it would really help you identify what kind of person you're talking to by listening to what they say and applying this acronym to how they're interacting with you. Does that kind of make sense? If you can identify how they're, they're judging you, then you can identify their thought patterns. That would be the offensive posture.

Starting point is 00:34:48 Okay, the next key point. People who are masterful at connecting with others manage their interstate and focus on the other person so they don't bring any personal uneasiness into their interaction. A good way to think about this and apply this technique to your relationships and conversations is to understand you've got to control your own incongruence, nervousness, or feelings of insecurity. That's not about other people. That's about you on the inside. Right?

Starting point is 00:35:30 It's kind of like, have you ever had an encounter with a dog and you were a little bit scared and the dog can sense that so the dog barks at you or you might nip at your heels? Well, the same is true of us. insecure if you're nervous or if you're unsure of yourself that those particular feelings manifest themselves in connections to others and the other person may not know exactly what it is about you but they can feel that incongruence they can feel that nervousness and it makes them feel nervous makes them feel insecure because they don't know if there's something wrong with them or if it's just you, but there's this aura of uneasiness between you when you feel that way.

Starting point is 00:36:22 So it's important to know that when you're going into a crucial conversation, or if you want a better relationship, that you have things straightened out inside of you before you try to make that connection with them. It's a way of making someone feel safe. and it also makes you more interesting to the other person. When you can come from a place where a place of non-judgment or a place of playfulness, you're going to make that other person feel like they want to be around you.

Starting point is 00:37:02 They're going to want to connect with you. One way to do this I have found is that people often telegraph things about themselves that they want to talk about. if you see someone wearing a like a nirvana shirt or a pair of new nikes or you know people often telegraph things that they enjoy like a and when you're in that conversation with them you could if someone's wearing a young lady's wearing a nice pink ribbon with you know a bedazzled diamonds on it or something. You know, you can make a comment on that. That person obviously spent a lot of time preparing that particular article of clothing. And when you compliment them on that,

Starting point is 00:37:53 it shows a connection. It shows you're paying attention to something that they're trying to get attention for. Thus, you're validating their motives. You're validating something that they thought would work. It's a great way to start a conversation is by validating someone. one's obvious technique to get noticed. Both a defensive on an offensive posture. You could, on a defensive posture, you know, if you want to make that deep connection, then you could talk to them about the things

Starting point is 00:38:31 that they're telegraphing. On an offensive posture, you know, sometimes people will invalidate that thing. So they would make a negative comment about the shirt you're wearing. Or they would make a negative comment about the bow or they would make a negative comment about the pair of shoes you know they know you put time into making yourself look a certain way and then they would say something negative about that to

Starting point is 00:39:04 invalidate that to try to bring about negative feelings in you there's a lot of people that do that and you should watch out for those people that's a warning sign be careful okay the next key point focus on them not you this is going to I'm going to try to give you a few examples of how to create a sense of being felt a key element of safety and acceptance is feeling felt and to do that you want to shift your focus from you to them let's think about eye contact for a minute on a related story. I believe that COVID-19, with everyone wearing masks, it's forcing everyone to have better eye contact. And I'm hopeful that that is going to be something that when we come out of this

Starting point is 00:39:59 is going to be a positive change in our society. Have you thought about that right now when you when you have interactions with people if you go outside and everyone's wearing a mask? You really have to focus on their eyes because you're missing all the facial cues and all you have is the eyes. I've really noticed a lot of beauty and a deeper connection when I talk to people just because of those masks. It's kind of interesting. To jump back on point though, if you want to help someone feel seen, you need to make eye contact with them.

Starting point is 00:40:37 I want to give you a few experiments and a few tools you can play around. with to see how it makes you feel and how it makes other people feel. Think of a gaze, a little bit of a pause, like a, it can mean a couple different things. So the first experiment is going to be in a conversation with someone, make sure you give them solid eye contact. And when they say something to you, while maintaining eye contact, count to seven in your your mind. 1001,0002,0003,0004,0005, 107, all the while maintaining eye contact. Don't break eye contact. Give yourself seven seconds. When that person says something to you,

Starting point is 00:41:30 that's seven second pause with eye contact. Nine out of ten times, the person will say something else to you within those seven seconds because you're making them feel uncomfortable. We're not used to giving that silent pause with that direct eye contact. It makes people feel uncomfortable most of the time. And it can be something that is both defensive and offensive. Someone is attacking you and you just do that silent pause with the long, engaging eye contact. It's going to stop them in their tracks. on an offensive posture

Starting point is 00:42:13 when you're the person in the asking the questions or if you're the person who is leading the conversation when that person says something to you you would just do the exact same exercise but it again puts them on the defense it's a very interesting

Starting point is 00:42:33 experiment to try and everyone should do so another experiment you want to try is if you ever go to a store or a restaurant or even with a loved one, if they do something nice for you, make eye contact and say, thank you. It really means a lot to me. But don't break eye contact when you say it.

Starting point is 00:42:56 When you say it, mean it and mean it with your eyes. Say it with your eyes and say it with your voice. But maintain that eye contact and watch a slight smile. Or if you're going to give someone a compliment, real quick tip by the way. the way, don't just ever say you're great or you're nice. If you're going to give someone a compliment, take time to really notice something they did different. Take time to know what that person does or is doing that is different than other people and then comment on that. And on top of that, make sure you give them solid eye contact. I think you'll see a small little turning up of the

Starting point is 00:43:37 mouth and a slight smile. And that is the kind of eye contact. That is the kind of communication that's going to build rapport and make people feel safe and make people feel felt. So there's two experiments you can do there. Play with them, test them out, and know that eye contact is really important. Next key point. To get in rapport, people subtly mirror the person that are interacting with, sometimes matching their body language, rate of speech or breathing, amongst other things. However, being careful not to mimic the other person. You know what mirroring is?

Starting point is 00:44:23 If you and I are sitting down at a desk and we're having a conversation and I notice that you take your right hand and you lift it up and you kind of touch your nose a little bit, well, as we're going through that conversation, somewhere shortly after you brought your hand up and touched your nose, I would bring up my hand and maybe scratch my ear. I would use the same words. If we're having a conversation and I noticed that you had said the word apparently three times in our 10 minute conversation, I would try to work that word in somewhere in the conversation as well. So it's a very subtle way of using the same techniques that someone else is using.

Starting point is 00:45:08 And what that does is that builds rapport with the other person. because on an unconscious level, it tells that person, hey, this person is just like me. This person is speaking my language. This person is doing what I am doing. However, you don't want to be obvious about it because then it seems like you're mocking that person. It's a fine line. It's very subtle. We've talked about being subtle in the past, like a light rain that saturates the ground.

Starting point is 00:45:39 So does a subtle move. or the perfect placement of a similar word influence the other person's decision making. Rapor is something that is a foundation stone in neurolinguistic programming. Ropor is something that the most effective communicators have mastered, and it comes from being subtle. Another great way to build rapport is in a conversation, be an active listener. Be someone who cares about what the other person is saying.

Starting point is 00:46:23 So often in conversations, we spend so much time thinking about what we're going to say instead of listening to the other person. It's interesting to me. I've had a lot of people tell me, wow, I really enjoy having a conversation with you, George. And a lot of those conversations that people told me they really enjoy are just them talking.

Starting point is 00:46:45 It's just me listening to them and reflecting back to them some of the things they say. For instance, they can tell me about a problem they may have had at work and I'll listen. And they'll go into depth about the detail at work and why they feel that way. And if you just reflect it back to them, oh, really? So whatever happened with that situation or, wow, that sounds pretty tough. What did you do? You know, it's kind of like a gentle prodding to push them further. And very little is done on the active listeners part.

Starting point is 00:47:23 But that person that is conversating with you telling the story, they really feel like you're engaging. They really feel like you're listening. And they're very thankful. It's one of the best ways to possibly build rapport. It's really powerful. All right. Last key point.

Starting point is 00:47:42 You guys hanging in there? It's the last one for today. And it's a pretty good one. And so this last one for the day is going to be how to kind of de-escalate a difficult situation. Cooling someone off, it can be easy. It's a slippery slope. You don't want to make the wrong move and escalate the situation. And all of us have found ourselves in a situation where someone's probably having a bad day.

Starting point is 00:48:13 Maybe they got to fight with a spouse or a coworker or something's going wrong in their life. and you just happen to be the person whom is going to take the blame for all that. So a good way to de-escalate it is I'm going to give you a five-point kind of a checklist here of options you can do. Number one is confirm the emotion. For example, I've got this feeling that you're angry or upset or sad.

Starting point is 00:48:43 Is that true? See, by asking that question, you're affirming that emotion. You're acknowledging that they're upset and you're giving them permission to be upset and ask why they're upset Number two, gauge how big this is for them and allow them to vent to get it all out. How upset are you? Or the reason you're so upset is because number three, determine what they need to move forward, allowing them to go inside and find out what they want. What needs to happen for that feeling to be better? Identify what they'd

Starting point is 00:49:28 like you to do. What part can I play in making that happen? Number five, explore what steps they need to take to feel better. What part can you play in making that happen? Another one I like to throw in there is, have you given up on solving this amicably? Well, my first, my friend, friends that is the chapter on making comfortable connections that is the chapter on tactical empathy that my friends is indeed the end to nLP number five you made it you made it so proud of you guys i'm so proud of you for spending a little bit of time with me you know i i've been using these techniques to really help out my life and i'm hopeful that they're helping out your life It's something fun you can do to better understand how you fit into this world and how you fit in with other people.

Starting point is 00:50:36 And it's incredibly empowering to help other people fit in. So that's what we got for today. Thank you for being here. I love you guys. Aloha.

TrueLife - Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) # 5

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