TrueLife - One Last Hit - Austin Rampt

Episode Date: August 7, 2026

Support the show:https://www.paypal.me/Truelifepodcast?locale.x=en_USOne on One Video Call W/George https://tidycal.com/georgepmonty/60-minute-meetingAustin Rampt: Addiction, Free Will & the Hijacking of the SelfWhat happens when addiction takes control of identity, agency, and the stories we tell ourselves? Austin Rampt joins TrueLife to explore addiction neuroscience, trauma, consciousness, free will, recovery, identity, transformation, and the psychology of survival. From eight rehabs and a heart attack at 21 to jail and 18 months living as a fugitive alongside the Sinaloa Cartel, Austin’s extraordinary journey opens a deeper question: how do we lose ourselves—and how do we find our way back?Check out Austin Here:https://shop.onelasthitbook.com/ One on One Video call W/George https://tidycal.com/georgepmonty/60-minute-meetingSupport the show:https://www.paypal.me/Truelifepodcast?locale.x=en_US🚨🚨Curious about the future of psychedelics? Imagine if Alan Watts started a secret society with Ram Dass and Hunter S. Thompson… now open the door. Use Promocode TRUELIFE for Get 25% off monthly or 30% off the annual plan For the first yearhttps://www.district216.com/Legal Disclaimer / Release of Liability for Podcast:This  content  is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this transmission constitutes legal, financial, or professional advice. I am not your lawyer, financial advisor, or telling you what to do.This podcast documents historical events, analyzes publicly available information, and explores hypothetical scenarios. Any actions discussed are presented as educational examples of how systems work—not as instructions or recommendations.You are solely responsible for your own decisions and actions. Any application of information presented here is at your own risk. I assume no liability for consequences of actions you choose to take.By continuing to listen, you acknowledge that this content is educational commentary, that you’re responsible for researching applicable laws in your jurisdiction, and that you’ll consult appropriate professionals before taking any action that could affect your legal, financial, or personal situation.

Turn on. Take the power back. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the True Life podcast. I hope you're having a beautiful day. Hope the sun is shining. Hope the birds are singing. I hope the wind is at your back. Got an incredible guest today, the one and only Austin Ramp. Got an incredible new book out called One Last Hit,

The Story of Addiction from Pills and Blow to the, the Sinaloa cartel to coming back and being transformed into a radical new individual. Austin, what's cracking, man? How are you? George, what's up, buddy? I'm so glad to be here with you, man. Yeah, man. So the new book's out.

You've lived many different lives, but can you give people a little bit of the backstory without giving away too much of the juice of the book, man? Yeah, yeah, I totally can. So I was addicted from the age of 12. you know, by 15, I was addicted to pills. By 17, I was smoking crack. And this started a journey in and out of sobriety that lasted my entire life, which essentially culminated in me fleeing the country to Mexico, you know, living.

Basically everyone around me was cartel affiliated and getting to do, getting to destroy my life in the way that I always dreamed as an addict, right? Like no cops, no family busting in, no running out of money until the money did run out. And it culminates with basically losing everything, being homeless in Mexico City and coming back to the United States and just starting a new journey of, okay, I didn't die, right? That was first. I thought I was going to die in Mexico. I didn't. My heart survived longer than the bank account and starting a journey of like what it really looks like to go inward. And there's a lot, you know, again, didn't give away the juice.

There's a lot in there. Like I accidentally burnt the family home down when I was 17 growing wheat in the closet. Just, you know, horrendous, horrendous stuff in the process that the book gets into. But yeah, so that's kind of the synopsis of it. And until here we are today. You know, if I was like a, I don't know, 20-year-old looking at me today still alive, I'd be mind-blood. I'd be mind-blood that I'm still here.

Man, I'm so torn because sometimes I read these stories and it like fulfills my heart of adventure and like chaos and like taking on the abyss and like trying to figure out who you are. Like I see a true hero's journey. But on the other side of that is all this shame and this great. And I can only imagine, even though there is a code of coolness and paint on all of this, like it's got to be hard to write about like the shame and the grief and the fucking heartbreak and like the people that whose trust you gained that loved you and you fucking burn them, man. Like, was that hard to write about?

Like, how do you, how do you do that, man? Like, tell me about that. I will tell you about it. That was quite the journey. So the book took four years to write. And so I started it in, what year did I start at 2021? And it finished. It actually physically got published in 2025.

And I returned from Mexico in 2016. So there was a distance of about five years from me getting back to Mexico before I wrote the actual book. And for anyone that does read it, you know, I don't come out of that smelling like a rose. Like the fact is addiction is horrific. And, you know, to tell a true addiction story, it's, it, there's no real way to shape it up, except a guy that was just, you know, me chasing in any way that I possibly could to fill a hole in my soul that only got bigger with everything that I tried to fill it with. And I destroyed relationships, companies, my, my poor family, what I put them through.

But by the time I had actually gotten to the point of being willing to write the book, by the time that like gut nudge was really getting loud, I had I had really made amends to the people that were in my life for most of that damage. And so I wasn't at a point of still carrying around shame for what happened. It had really kind of gone through an alchemy or a transmutation at that point to, okay, this isn't who I am. It's what happened, right? It's my story, but it's not the story.

story of me any longer. And so there were a few parts in the book where I really did come to a crossroads like, shit, do I want to write about this? Like, this is going to be something that, you know, it'll be a point that people stop at and go, wow. And I did. I wrote about it. And and so far the feedback has been, you know, I'm really honored when people read the book because it's such an intimate look at, at not just my life, but a really horrendously, you know, what used to be a shameful part of my life that I can now share with people. So, yeah, it was a journey. Totally.

What? Like, why? Why did you write it, man? Did you write it as a form of trying to get things on paper so that you could have a third person point of view? Was it sort of a way to make amends to those that read it? Was it a warning for other people that may find themselves in a similar situation? What were the whys behind it?

So interestingly enough, so there were two. initial whys that I found out quickly, we're not going to end up being the wise. So the first was as soon as I came back from Mexico and I started telling my story in like 12-step recovery rooms, people were going, holy crap, bro, you need to write about that. And then that was cute. I'm like, all right, yeah, thanks. You think I got a great story. But then I started really getting like signs from the universe going, dude, put it down.

Let's see what happens, right? And so those are my first two catalysts to writing it. What I found along the way is, and I'm sure this is true for everyone, but not everyone gets the experience of getting into it. As I started to defragment my life, these stories that lived as stories in my brain, I was now required to document them in a very, very detailed way, which meant I had to explain them in a way that people that are reading

are always going to understand kind of what I'm talking about. And what I came to find out was that the way that I remembered things was not always the way that things happened. That, you know, people and places and things that I may have blamed or, I don't know, just seeing in a particular light, I was completely full of crap. And as I started to write them, it defragmented my life. At the same time, I'm like going to therapy every week going, okay, I'm writing about my mom and here's the shit that's coming up for me, right? And he's going, he's helping me kind of see some truth in it. And by the time I got to the end of it, I didn't realize I had gone through such a journey of,

of, I guess it's a journey of more understanding of who and what I am and what made me tick. And if that was the only thing I got out of it, then man, that was time well spent. That was time well spent. So for a while, that was the why. And I don't know what the next why is going to be. We'll find out. A journey of understanding, man. That is, that's deep right.

I think that that is something that we all go through. Maybe we all don't live it through addiction or, you know, being associated with a drug cartel or being homeless. But a journey of understanding, man, that sounds like, it sounds to me like something more people could do, whether they're an addiction or not. But maybe we could stick there for a minute. Like, what was it that you understood? Like what have you come to understand? I think a lot of it was forgiveness for myself and for others. I think that there was, you know, there was some external blame,

but there was a whole lot of self-blame of, and, you know, there's obviously no power in blaming others for really anything in my experience. But, but I was, the shame is really, you know, if we could break down shame into a sentence, it's I'm wrong, I'm defective. I am defective. There's something wrong with me. And that was my belief for a long time. And I'll tell you, we might get off on a tangent here. Yeah, let's do it, man. I got really like into Carl Young. Not not a ton, but like, but he started to, he had some writings that kind of jumped out at me. And one of them was about addiction. And it had to do with it being this yearning for like this cosmic

yearning that is really specific in the attic, but we go trying to find the solution to that and all of these things around us externally that never fills it. And finally, when we, when we turn inward and start to look, what we find is the addiction is not really the burden. It's more or less our superpower. It pulls us back into like forcing us to grow, forcing us to, I don't know if expand is the right word, but to kind of like put ourselves through the fire and see what comes out on the other end. And so that was a lot of the journey was,

I don't know that I would have gotten that experience had I not been writing the book. I mean, we have different things that we do in 12th step recovery like inventory and then, you know, we share that with our sponsors and making amends. And these things are all great and, you know, they're all good and well. But they all do somewhat live at the foundation of my memories and how I recall this happening.

Whereas to get into it in a real detailed way like I needed to in the book and then putting the timeline together and seeing it all come up. It was just a different experience, man. Different experience. Not an easy one, but a different one. And I'm really grateful for it. Man, I hear Carl Young, and then I heard you say signs from the universe. And if we pair that with journey of understanding, I can't help but see sort of a pull to the spiritual side. And I've known that in myself with my own, like, with my own relationship with lots of different drugs.

Like, there is something mystical about. Is it, did you find the same thing? Like these altered states of awareness, these signs from the universe. And like you can see them afterwards, but sometimes in the height of a different state of awareness. Those things are crystal clear. Did you find that those sort of attraction to mysticism or God or a higher power or the universe? Did you find those things to be more clearer when you were on drugs or all? No.

So in my case, I really did. I found an extreme pull towards it in my sober time. So like I first got sober when I was 22 and I stayed that way until my early 30s. And so during that time, and I had, dude, prior to that, I had overdosed multiverse. multiple times. It had been a rough, rough road. But I did find a real pull towards that. I was introduced to like at Cortole really early on in my sobriety, whom I love, and just various different schools of thinking that were very different from the Christian home that I was raised in, you know? And, and I did. I just found a like a kind of a hunger for that. But, but it didn't, how do I put it?

it put my addiction at bay long enough for me to stay sober. But as soon as I pulled like what it ended up happening towards the latter end of that period of sobriety is I started a company that got pretty successful, you know, got married, had a couple of kids, had the house and started saying to myself, look at all that external stuff. Look at all this stuff you've done. We can pull back on this over here. And when I pulled back on that over there, it was like it didn't take long at all. The lion came back. almost like, you know, if you're holding a cork underwater or a bobber and you let it go, right? And so, and when it came back, you know, I was older.

I had a bank account now. And I knew a little bit more about addiction. And, you know, it wasn't even a matter of like, oh, you know, maybe I'll try and control this. It was let's go. And when we went, we went, me. When I went, I went. And so there wasn't, I wouldn't. I wouldn't say that there was clarity in the drugs.

But what I would, what I will say to you is like when I was living in Mexico, I would only sleep like once every three days. My body would just kind of give out. And on day, so this may not appeal to anyone but me. But on day two, man, I loved the evening of day two so much.

I got so used to like about 48 hours awake. I knew what that was going to feel like. man, I just thought I was the happiest, funniest guy in the room. But there was something peaceful in that for me, almost like that extremely delusional state that I was living in. But it went away. And for me to stay on that train, right? I knew that, all right, I knew enough to know that I could not control my

drinking and drug use. Once I started, I was going to be out of control. So the only solution to avoiding those problems was never run out of drugs. Just never run out. And for two years straight, that's what I did. The cartel was very good at making sure that I never had to run out, right? It was constant. And at the end of that, I remember I was dating this girl in Mexico City.

And she like wanted, she didn't use drugs. She drank, but she wanted to go do nice stuff. She's like, let's go have a picnic in the park. And I was trying to explain to her that like, you might walk outside and see sunshine and feel joy over that. And my brain's so messed up. There's no chance I can experience any sort of joy that doesn't come in a pipe right now. And so, yeah, it broke me down to a level that I didn't think was really possible.

And I hoped I never had to face. And when I did have to face it, it was it wasn't easy because I had heard a lot of people. I had destroyed my life and, you know, pretty close to lives of the people that were around me. And but from that, from that pain came, you know, something really, really beautiful. You know, and today I'm a father of five. I have multiple businesses. None of, you know, the business side really just enables me to do what I love to do, which is to be a dad, love on my wife, and to help guys in 12-step recovery.

Like that's that's the juice for me today. Man, would you say that the same veracity that with which you were, you did like three-day benders or, you know, you explained the idea that if you were going to start something, you were going to go 150 miles an hour. Is that characteristic of you in business and in other parts of your life? Yes. So much to, you know, I don't want to say my wife's discharges

dismay because we've we've come to learn how to hone that now. Excuse me. But it's it's like I don't find interest in many things. But when interest comes, I go like that. Right. And you and I were talking before this, right? I worked in media for a while in, in the digital asset space in crypto.

And, and that was one thing. And it almost does feel like a spiritual pull. Like I'm, I'm going, all right, this is the direction you're supposed to. to go in. And crypto was very good to us until it wasn't. And like most people. And, you know, to be honest, my new poll really is doing what I'm doing with you right now. Like, this is the big

pull for me. And I don't know why. But it, the genesis of it was my wife saying, well, but if people are going to find out about your book, you got to go get out on social media. And I'm like, do that for me. Would you please? Because I hate social media. I'm not a big fan personally. And she's like, no, you got to do it. And so I decided I was, I'm like, all right, well, I know how to do podcasting. That'll create content for me because I just, I feel so fake shooting videos unless I'm talking to people like you. And but from that came doing podcasts, right? And from that led me to having this conversation with you.

And it's like, I don't know where shit's going to go. We're just going to swim and see what happens. So tangent, but we got there. Yeah. It's interesting you bring up crypto Crypto is almost like its own drug Or maybe even money's like its own drug I remember in like the first

Old season maybe it was the second old season Like pancake swap or whatever I took like 80 grand Did I turn that into like 250 and I'm like I cannot fucking lose I am on fire watch this Bye bye bye you watch stuff just rise up Like 20 grand

30 grand Oh shit I'm down 50 grand Oh shit I'm down to my 8 I can make it back. Oh, no, I'm down to 40. I got nothing. I got nothing.

You know, and it's almost like its own type of drug out there, man. It's pretty wild, right? Yeah, so you know crypto. So that's, I'll tell you a little story that may land on you, and it may not land on people that don't know crypto, but maybe it will. So I got into the space in 2017, and it was from a buddy of mine who I actually write about in the book, he died of an overdose, but he, we were doing, um, we were taking, um, we were taking meetings into a detox.

And he just happened to like show me crypto. And it was one of those things that latched on to me. And I kept having this one come into my experience constantly that you probably know about. It was called Phantom. Did you remember one name of Phantom? Yeah. Yeah. So it just kept showing up, kept showing up.

To the point that I had a basketball roll up to my feet and it had F-A-N-T-O-M written on it, Not pH, right? Like the name. And I'm going, holy shit, this is insane. So I basically took all the family money and dumped it into it at the low of 2020, right when the market's cratered. And nothing happened for about nine months. And then when when the market took off, it went a thousand X.

And I didn't sell at the top, but I did pay cash for a house. and um but i got to fly around the world right and and my my my crypto my crypto podcasting experience was because i had a channel called ftm alerts which was i was like the de facto channel for the phantom network and uh and that's where i started learning you know and really it was people were going oh you're really good at at speaking do you have public speaking experience and i didn't want to be like yeah man because i'm a drug addict and i do that in meetings you know but but but but But that's really where it came from. So anyhow, that was my little crypto story.

Man, you know, in that in that little segment, you had mentioned that you knew people that had overdosed. I've known people in my own life that have overdosed, that have become addicts. Why do you think, like, how do you, when you look back at the people you probably loved or were friends with it overdosed? Like, do you ever ask the question?

Like, how come they died, but I didn't? Yeah. Yeah, I do. Me too. Because before I went to Mexico, I had gotten into heroin. And, you know, heroin's one you'll overdose on for sure. And but when I went to Mexico, there just didn't seem to be heroin in my, there was a lot of cocaine, but the heroin just wasn't around. And I'm pretty sure that, that combined with a severe Xanax habit saved my life.

like it kept my heart beating. But I've known, God, back in South Florida in AA, like I'm in, I'm in Orlando now, but I used to live in South Florida. And down there is like crazy, crazy meetings, like 200 people in a meeting. And I was having one person I knew a week drop dead from fentanyl. It was crazy.

And, you know, I don't think I ask like explicitly why them and not me. But I think there's some things that I'm just never going to know the answer to. And that may be one of them, right? I certainly don't think it's because I'm more worthy of staying alive than them. But then on the other side of that, so we'll get into kind of like some of my personal belief systems. I think we're just, I think life is just a stop on the journey, that it does not end when we die, that things go on, perhaps reincarnation, perhaps.

I don't know, right? But I don't think what I'm physically perceiving. is in any way, shape or form all that there is. And so it's just not necessarily for me to know. That's how I feel about it, anyhow. Yeah, that's a good answer. It's interesting to think back on some of those times for me. Like, man, sometimes late at night or if I'm deep in a psychedelic journey,

some of those questions arise to me. It's just like, man, there is no real answer. You'll never know. But for me, it's still worth investigating because it helps. shine a light on how powerful today is, how much time I have right now, how many people I have in my life depend on me and love me and how thankful I am. Yeah. Yeah.

I had an ex. I was, man, I was watching. I don't know how it even came up. It was YouTube algorithm, man. It's like they can read my brain. They popped a video up and I started watching it this morning, man, and I had 20 minutes of goosebumps. And I'm just going, how freaking great is this?

You know? Oh, the other day. So I have five at home. My youngest, my youngest are one, three, and six. My two oldest are 15 and 12. And my three-year-old, he's a boy, and he was being a terrorist. And just drive me up a wall. Like, I think he pushed my one-year-old.

And I was like, ah, it was just me and the two of them upstairs. And I'm playing music. And, you know, it's just putting on random songs. And all of a sudden it starts playing a John Mayer song. Now, this particular John Mayer song was like, like top of my playlist when I lived in Mexico, I would smoke crack and then just I would be really drunk and high on pills and just cry because I missed my kids.

And in the midst of him being crazy, this song punched me right between the eyes and said, hey, dude, let's get back in the game. You begged for this life for two years straight while you were getting high. And it took like two seconds for me to go, I don't care how they're acting. I'm here. Like, this is amazing, you know?

And so little reminders show up like that all the time. Yeah, back to science from the universe, you know. Totally. Yeah. You know, you work in a lot of sobriety programs, and I've seen quite a few of your interviews where you're talking to people about the process of getting sober. This is a two-part question.

One, can you define what sober means to you? And let's just start there. Can you define what sober means to you? Yeah, sure. So to me, sober means abstinence from all mood or mind-altering substances. Now, I do know that, you know, some people do go down the DMT or ayahuasca journeys in their sobriety. And I don't, like, I'm not in favor of that. For me, I'm such a rabid drug addict that I don't even risk it. But like, I know some people that have been helped a lot by that.

So that's part one, right? From the neck up, I'm not altered. by, you know, by anything. But secondly, I think that's just, I would call that just abstinence. You know, real sobriety, I think, is, is soundness of mind, right? It's not living in the insanity of, of, you know, there's, in our literature, it talks about emotional sobriety being like the next frontier for people like us. And, and I think there's, you know, there were many, many years, and I can get like this today,

but there were many years where I was completely at the mercy of my environment, that my emotions were dictated by what happened around me, not, not me saying, okay, this is how I intend for this segment of my day to go. And this is who I want to show up as. And, you know, someone cuts you off on the freeway and up, now my day went to shit. I planned on having a great day, but that guy. He did that, you know? And that was a very immature way of living for me. And I did live that way for quite some time. And so I think a big part of my sobriety today is just strangely.

It's like exploration, you know, it's kind of like digging out a cavity to see, all right, how are we going to get rid of the things which are essentially not who we are, who I am, you know, which which would leave me with, well, what am I really? Like that was, that was an interesting question for, and believe it or not, I did have that question early on.

I got really into shrooms and LSD as a kid like for, I don't know, three or four years as I was young, like 16 through 20. And I do remember that like, who are you question coming up a lot. Of course, I had no answer for that.

And later in life, I would have told you that I was this business that I created or that I was this facade of who people thought I was. And I remember coming back from Mexico and all of that being gone and having the conscious thought in, in rehab, like, okay, all of those things left, but I'm still here. So none of them could have actually been who I was. So like, who am I? Really? You know, like, who's the one that's that's looking through your eyes, not with your eyes? I don't think I said that correctly. But, you know, The one behind the eyeballs, right?

Like, who is that? So, anyhow, that's the trip I get on. Yeah. Yeah. Earlier on the conversation, you would mention about growing up in a Christian household and so much of what you're talking about, not only today, but I've heard you bring up Victor Frankel before. So we've got of Carl Young.

Can you walk me in the audience through your relationship with spirituality from growing up in a Christian home to where you are now? Totally. Oh, man. And that's been a hell of a journey. So again, I did grow up in a Christian home where my mom and dad had an interesting dynamic. And they divorced when I was 13, but that dynamic was really in my formative years. So my dad was the, you are going to church every Sunday.

And my mom was more, I'll go along with it, but I'm kind of more open-minded to other things. So when they divorced, my dad continued on his path and my mom went on her own journey. And so by the time that I like first got sober at age 22, I had been, I guess, impregnated. That's a weird way to put it, but impregnated with all of these fixed ideas on what spirituality is, right? That we've, all right, don't worry, guys.

We've done the work for you. We've whittled God down into this idea, so you can just believe in this and we're all cool, right? Like, that's kind of how it felt. And a lot of well-meaning people told me that. And so I bought it hook, line, and sinker. And so of my first couple of years sober, I was like in church every Sunday, tithing superstitiously almost.

Like, oh, man, if I don't give 10% of my paycheck, like, you know, might have a bad week, you know, that sort of thing. And then I went into church one day. And I had gotten really into, you know, Eckartoulli at this time, like, in different things. And I remember them putting a video up on this giant video screen. And it said something like the largest satanic church ever just launched. and it was a picture of Oprah Winfrey and Eckart Tolle when they were doing, she was doing like a series with him and I went,

what the shit is this? And so that was the first crack in the belief. And I went, okay, you know, and looking back, I do understand and I can see that, you know, part of the Christian belief in a lot of them is, this is the one path. Anything outside of this path is essentially satanic. And, but that started me on a journey.

And that journey wasn't necessarily an easy one. I think part of that journey, you know, happened in my relapse. Because it is, there is a lot to be said for just resolving to one idea and going, well, that's just, that's just what it is. Like we can't, you know what I mean? Almost like it's, it would be sacrilegious to explore anything more than that, you know? But I heard a guy, he had a great line, man. He said, you know, if Jesus had been born in India and said he was a son of God,

they would have been like, yeah, of course you are, dude. We all are. Like, keep it moving. You know, it wouldn't have been a big deal. And so anyhow, fast forward to today. I think what I, it's tough to put a concept of spirituality on it. I love, like I was, I was really vibing with some of the things that you were talking about. Thank you.

You know, quantum mechanics and like the observable universe and different things, right? Because these are, these are provably true. And there are things that go beyond what my mind can really conceive. Like, how can I conceive that something lives in infinite possibilities until I cast observation on it and then it chooses one? Like, how could I even conceive that? And so I think for me that where I've come to is that to try and put a, concept on spirituality is is really to limit it and it and my what I want to do is I want to experience how it shows up in my life and and I think what I believe in more than anything is not

so much a concept but in certain actions that I can take in ways of being that bring about results that I get to experience right like so kindness and thinking of others and you know making amends when I do wrong and and uh things like that Things like that, right? So I think a lot of my spirituality centers around that to them. Yeah, I'm glad you brought that up because you do so many cool works for people. Like you're helping to sponsor people. You're setting things up.

You're running businesses that help other people, bringing people onto your platform. Everyone should check out the one last hit podcast. Austin got some great guests on there and he's doing epic work. But yeah, I was just curious because I see your, at least in my opinion, I can see your spirituality and the relationships you're building with people and the message you're trying to put out there. So I'm always curious about that aspect of it. I got lots more, but I want to bring up some people

that are chiming in over here. Let's see. Let's get down to the chat over here. Miguel from Mexico City, what's up, Miguel? He says, did addiction reveal your true self or hide it? That's a great question. It really, it hit it while I was in it, and it revealed it after.

And I think, you know, I think like addiction is that thing that constantly calls me back, right? It either calls me back to using because I believe the lie that the drug or the or the bottle is going to have some form of salvation in it or it forces me inward. One of those two things. And so it, I think it more revealed it than covered it up. Salvation from what? Like what salvation is there? Like, what do you mean? Yeah.

I love it. So, you know, we as addicts and alcoholics, and maybe this is true for everyone, but I know it's especially true in my life that I can struggle to differentiate the true from the false, meaning my brain will make up a story about what's happening. I'll buy it, hook line, and sinker. And then somebody whose objective could look at the story and go, dude, you got it all right. wrong. Like you're not even close to having accurate facts about what's going on here. And I know that I can do that. And but as that builds, if I make up truth and then I build a

foundation on top of made up truth, by the time I actually, you know, I could go way out and left field and be in turmoil. Absolute turmoil. And this happened to me, um, four or five years ago, maybe. So I'll tell you a little story. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. So, um, yeah. So, um, You were you in the crypto space in 2021 and 2022? Right around there, yeah. Okay. So we had the massive run, right? And, you know, I think I told you, bought a house.

That was great. Gave back $23 million. Well, wait a minute. Wait. What was the, what was the, what was the haul on that? You gave back $23 million. Was $23 million in the hall? No, it wasn't.

I started with, you don't tell me. You don't tell me. Yeah, well, I'll just tell you. I started, I started with 50,000. Okay. Yeah. No way. That's so gargantuan.

It was a huge, huge amount, right? And it was just like you were saying, I had a number in my head in the nine figure range. Like how, it's absolutely. So I gave that back. And I did exactly what you just said, right? Throughout 2022 and 2023, I was working. I had a company called,

block bites in in the crypto space and i was doing a daily news show so i was like really really into the space and uh and just constantly hopeful that it was going to come back um and then i when i resigned to it's not coming back i was so detached from my recovery community i was so i had been so wrapped up and all this stuff up in my brain um that i picked up kratum during that time and uh And so I have two and a half years sober today. But this was back in 2022, 2022, somewhere in there. But what had happened was I had this,

these four healthy children, a wife that loved me, a home that I owned outright, right, businesses that were successful. And I had become discontented in that same life. Because I had been focusing on what's wrong for so long I could no longer see what was right.

It had expanded to, the point that it just eclipsed the beauty in my life. And I had no choice but to, I mean, it's not that I had no choice, but my brain, right, I heard a guy say once, I got two brain cells, one's selling me bullshit and the other one's buying it. And so the one brain cell sold me a line of bullshit. And I went, that's a good idea. Let's get some relief from this.

And so my point in saying that is that's the nightmare. That's the thing that can come back if I'm not vigilant in my own emotional state, in my own sobriety and staying connected with people that are, you know, addicted in the way that I am. I mean, normal people, if they walk around with anger or, you know, what if they're overly self-centered, like they may not have great relationships, but it's probably not going to kill them. In my case, it might. And so, you know, those things are poison. First off, thanks for sharing that story. That is wild, man. It seems like a double-edged sword to me,

like this thing that allows you to just go so wild into addiction or seeking these altered states also seems to be the fire that burns inside of you to create somewhat miracles for yourself and your family, man. And how do you hold those two things? Man, I don't know. I need to figure out eloquent words for when people ask me that damn question

because it's such a, it's such a killer question, dude, killer question. And I wish I had like a super, super eloquent answer to give you. It's just that sometimes the fire burns me and sometimes it fuels the engine, you know. I don't really. And I think the difference is, honestly, I don't know what the difference is. I'd love to tell you I knew, dude. But like, man, I went, you know, I recently got out of the crypto space like six months ago. And I had gone, I started working for a company.

I won't mention them. But their tech, the narrative, everything was just like, yes, this is the one. And I was the mouthpiece. You know, I was the one they were giving the information to. And then I would come on and do videos like we're doing now and explain how it works. And like it was so good. Like, and I knew it. And I went, dude.

I put so much money in that and my family put money in it. It crashed. And what ended up happening was not only did I lose the money that I put in, but like a whole bunch of people blame me. Because I was the, even though I wasn't the guy pulling the strings or calling any shots in the back end, I was just the mouthpiece. I was the face that they knew, you know? And so that was an instance where I had full faith in it.

and it burned me. And then, you know, I had about a week of, wow, that's just absolutely terrible. And then I started the journey of figuring out why it had to happen in the way that it happened because it happened. So it must have been the right thing to happen. I mean, that's kind of a big foundation of what I believe today is that nothing's happening by mistake. And so, yeah, that's been part of the journey too, dude.

Like, failure. Now all of a sudden, I understand your admiration for Victor Frankel. Yeah. The man's search for meaning. Like, you're doing some real digging there. Not as much as him, but. Yeah, true. You know.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, I mean, sorry, people are blowing me up. George, let me get in over here. Okay, here we go. Sorry, David, Sarah, I got you over here. Sarah from Portland. What's up, Sarah?

Thanks for hanging out with us. She says, Austin, at what point did you stop feeling like you were making choices and start feeling like addiction was making them for you? Yeah. So I will tell you early on, addiction started making the choices for me early on. But to your question, I believed in the illusion of control for so long. Probably until, like, so I started using it 12. I mean, dude, my first two months.

months of using, like I was taking Xanax. I took LSD in my buddy's garage. I think I was, I just turned 13. Like, I was young, dude. Yeah. And from, I would say probably from the age of 15 on, addiction actually was making the choices for me. But I didn't, I didn't break at least some of the illusion of control until I was 22.

And somebody, like people in 12-step room, stepped in and started sharing with me what addiction and alcoholism really is. And by the time I relapsed at 31, I had no more illusion of control. That was gone. So I didn't even try and control it. I was like, I'm not even going to attempt control.

We're just going to go and see what happens. So that was a great question, Sarah. Thank you. That was awesome, Sarah. Nathan, coming from Denver, he says, what hurts more? Getting high or finally feeling everything you'd spent years avoiding? Yeah.

So getting high is almost like a momentary release. followed by a compounding horror afterwards. And I think facing the things and the people I had hurt and the problems that I caused hurt more in my own mind than it did in actuality. Because I've learned something a lot of the time and it's that the thing I'm most afraid of is facing the truth about me. I will make up what that's going to look like.

And then once I do it, it doesn't look anything like that. And I've had, you know, a number of face-to-face amends that I was deathly afraid to make because I caused harm that was just insane, you know, just really, really hurt people. And I noticed almost every single time that when the energy I bring into it is, is not to say I'm sorry, but it's to set right the wrong and let them tell me how I've affected them. I've never had that go poorly. Like every time, it's almost like we as people can can sense something, right? Even if I've got the most anger at you, let's take George, for example. Yeah. It'll say I'm angry at you. Yes. And you come to me with a genuine desire to repair that.

you can get three words out and I'm going to sniff that you're telling me the truth and that there's something real here. And that anger just kind of goes like that. It doesn't necessarily let anyone off the hook. But I've noticed that at least in my case, and I think in the case of a lot of other people, we really desire to forgive unless that anger is doing something for us. And at times, that anger is doing something for us. You know, it's mobilizing or it, you know, whatever. But yeah, so that's a great question. I think the long answer is that to face the things and to set right those things is a lot more difficult than to get high in the short term,

but in the long term, getting high is much more painful. Yeah, that is. I've noticed this pattern within myself and lots of other people that I have spoken to who have seen difficult traumas, be it addiction or abuse. But it almost seems like you're developing parts of your world. Maybe it's neuroplasticity, maybe it's parts of your brain, or maybe it's meaning or not exactly sure what it is, but people that have gone through the most difficult traumas

and come out the other side seem to have a sort of really incredible look at how their own mind works and how reality works. Maybe it's from seeing an illusion and living in an illusion and then going through this sort of right of passage. I don't want to make it sound like it's a great thing, this right of passage. But in some ways, I think it develops you in ways that nothing else can.

What are your thoughts on that? Yeah, I think it can actually become, you know, the thing that calls us inwards, almost like, you know, kind of like that quiet voice inside of us that constantly, you know, calls us inwards. But I can mistake that.

It's like, you know, for a while I was in a cycle of an endless hunger for something. And in my belief, it was for, you know, at the time, I thought it was for drugs and alcohol, but it wasn't, it wasn't for that. Which was, okay, I would come out of that with this insane resolve to do better. and then I would relapse and I would in the relapse I would feel just this this sense of despair and it was but every time I would get that renewed resolve it was like I was kind of one step higher on the ladder like I had learned something from it and I just kind of kept climbing the ladder you know until one day it just culminated in an explosion of me just destroying my life and and I hope and pray that that was the final time I have to really experience that level of despair, you know. Can you tell me about your inner dialogue? Like what, what is there a rep- was there, or is there a repetitive record that comes on that you play it over and over again? Like,

what goes through your mind in your inner dialogue when you were using, and today, is it the same record? Is it different, different language? What does that like? Yeah. So it's funny you say different language because towards the end of my time in Mexico I learned so much Spanish that I was starting to think sometimes in Spanish. It was interesting. So my inner dialogue in when I was in Mexico was one of, it was a constant thought of you're a piece of shit. Like I would have mornings I would wake up and I would look at pictures of my two oldest. They were, they were young, four and one when I went to Mexico. And I would just cry. and cry and cry and cry.

And something within the crying was kind of cathartic for me. But just anything would be better than this for those children. Like me just being in the same country as them would be better than this for these children, you know? And so the dialogue was obviously terrible. And I think a lot of what I was running from was the dialogue that was going up in my own head. Today, you know, I can find myself. jammed up. But more often than not, it's because of the way that I'm perceiving my environment and not because of something explicitly that I've done to harm somebody else. Because if I do cause

harm, you know, every night, me and the guys that I'm sober with, we take what we call a nightly inventory, right? So it's 11 questions that we ask ourselves and then we share it with each other, which I actually, I went to a concert with my daughter and forgot to do that last night now that I'm telling you about it. Hypocrite. But anyhow, but this nightly inventory, it keeps us accountable to ourselves and to one another.

And that's a really important thing. So if, like I don't really know where the beam is until I get off the beam to say, okay, well, that was a boundary, right? Yeah.

Let's get back on it. And so if I do cause harm, which is, which the harm causing is the thing that causes the poor, poor head narration if left unchecked. If I do cause harm, The idea is to set that harm straight immediately as soon as I realized that I've caused it. And so the narration in my brain today is, A, it's a lot less loud than it once was.

But I think it's more, if I go down a negative path of narration, it might be to focus on, oh my God, I got five kids. Oh, my God, I got to provide for these five kids. Holy crap, you know, the bigness of it all. and inevitably where I try and return myself back to is this is the life I was given. It's the life I'll be able to handle. You know, and so great question. What do you think of when I say the word victim?

Wow. So a victim is somebody who I would say there's two types. But that right, there is somebody who has been victimized, right? A legitimate victim who's been harmed by another person. So in that instance, that would be the victim, whether or not they choose to carry that with them for the rest of their days is, you know, a different kind of, you know, victim. And then you've got the victim who is, I think we had mentioned this earlier, right? Who is the, it's everyone else's fault but me. That's sort of a victim.

And yeah, so that's what I think about. And that's a really, I think both are, you know, quite dangerous, but one is, and I think they're both unintended necessarily. I think a lot of the time the blamers have been conditioned either by themselves or by other people into being that way. And they've found some reason why that way of being works well for them. And it's, you know, for a guy like me, it'll kill me. Like there's no, if you have to change for my problem to be solved, my problem has no solution, right?

I've got to be the reason. I have to be the reason. So. If you have to change for my problem to be solved, can you see that part again? Sure. If you have to change from my problem to be solved, then my problem has no solution. That's about as true as it gets, I think. It's so interesting to me to think about the idea of victimhood.

And there's so much money that goes into it. Like sometimes when I look at, sometimes when I look at the DSM, I got a copy of the DSM and I'll read it sometimes. And I'll be like, man, there's so much. so many labels out there for people like masks to try on or clothes. Let me put on this shirt of Restless Leg Syndrome. And I'm not discounting anybody that has these things, whatever. But it seems like the world is really full of victim costumes that are comfortable

and rewarding and allow you just to put them right on and wear them around. Hey, everybody, look at this thing I got on over here. What are your thoughts on that? Well, I think with, you know, with social media today, you know, there's a lot of money in victimhood. Yeah. There's a lot of money in problems. There's, you know, not as much money in the solutions, you know.

Pharmaceutical industry is a good example of it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And so I think there's a big part of that where, without getting too political on it, I think that there's creation of communities that would potentially be labeled as marginalized. And I don't mean like true marginalized communities. I mean like, oh, I've put myself in this label of marginalized. And now you need to treat me differently because I say that I am this.

And I think within that there's identity for people. There's potentially community for people of, hey, we've all got this same affliction, quote unquote. And so let's band up and hate the other side. Right. There's mobilization in that. and uh and there's there's uh an insane kind of like you know if i was let's say born in philly and i was an eagles fan right simply by the fact that i was born in that location i i am a part of that community and if i believe i am i might fight you because you like the cowboys you know

what i mean and like it's it's there's so much money in that um there's so much mobilization and that it's crazy. And it's all identity. It's all made up stuff about who and what we are. Identity, man. That is a real, that's a deep one right there, man. I got you for an, you cool. How are you doing on time, man?

You all right? I'm good, bro. Okay, okay. I have a hard stop at 1230, but until then I'm good. I might have to pee before then. Yeah, if you got to go, go, man. No, I'm cool, man. I'm cool.

I'm cool. I'm cool now. It's informal. Like, you know, identity. is something that's really hard to get out of, especially if you've worn that mask of identity for a long time. I'm George the drug user. I'm George the truck driver.

Whatever identity you have on, it's tough when that identity breaks or you outgrow that identity. Maybe you could speak to that. Like, what identities have you had? And how did you make the transformation out of Austin, the identity of a drug user, to Austin the identity of an entrepreneur,

whatever identity it is that you're wearing now. Well, I can tell you even recently that, you know, I had a huge identity about my work in the crypto space. Yeah. Huge. And, you know, I have like a lot of people that follow me on Twitter, but they're all from the crypto space. None of them knew that I was, you know, an addict in recovery or an alcoholic

until my book came out. And then not long after. after that, you know, I started getting this nudge in my gut that crypto was not the way for me any longer. And that was a huge identity that I had to let go that that was like, wow, man, I checked this stuff every minute of every day for the last nine years. You know, and now I'm not going to do that anymore. But I think, I think none of us in my experience, and this may not be universally true, but I don't think any of us drop identity completely unless you're, like, you know, you know, Moji or somebody. But, right?

But, but, but I think we, what I do, I'll speak for myself, what I do is I, the identities that I do start to hold are ones that are perhaps less damaging to me. Tony Robbins has a, a great line in one of his, his CDs that he was, he's basically talking about quitting smoking. And he's, he's getting into identity. and he was kind of saying the key to stopping smoking is you need to start viewing yourself as a non-smoker because it would be ridiculous for a non-smoker to smoke cigarettes, you know, that sort of thing. And I was like, wow, that's cool.

And I've had a lot of identities over the years. And I think that's kind of what I was talking about earlier with standing in rehab realizing, wow, that business and that money and the relationship and all of that, couldn't have actually been who I was because if that's who I was, then it would still be here today, right? Who I am has to be something, you know, way deeper and beyond that. And I don't know how to answer the question of what am I

because it's almost like it's constantly changing, you know? So. I heard an awesome one about identity and it was like an analogy to a whirlpool. If you think of a whirlpool, like just picture a stream you go down to and there's like this little whirlpool. the shape of that whirlpool is always there,

but the water that moves in and out of it is always changing. You know, so the shape of you is always there. But who you, what decides to come in and come out of that shape can be changing daily or minutely. So that's been a cool one that's kind of help me. Love that.

Thank you for sharing that. Yeah. I'll probably use that again and not give you credit for it. Fair enough, man. It's what we do all the time, man, and, you know, in meetings and say shit that sounds good, but somebody else told us. Yeah.

It always starts with, it always starts with the person quoting, so and so said this. And then it evolves into, I once heard this. And then it goes into, I've always said this. That's right, man. That's exactly right. That's right. That's what we do. Olivia, shout out to Olivia out there.

She says, do you think suffering has intelligence? Was addiction trying to teach you something you refuse to learn any other way? That's a fucking brilliant question. Do you think suffering has intelligence? I think, oh, wow, intelligence. I don't, so I'm going to pause on the first part of the question. Would you mind repeating the second part of the question for me? Of course.

Was addiction trying to teach you something, you refused to learn any other way? Yeah, totally. And I think that goes back to, you know, the Jungian stuff that we were discussing earlier, almost like the shadow self. Yeah. I think addiction, he had a great line. And it was that I'm constantly hungry in a world full of plastic food, right? Like the things that I'm eating are not going to satisfy the hunger that I have almost.

And I think everyone has that, has that hunger. Maybe some people have it in a greater degree. but I do really think it's the hunger for, you know, the divine spirituality. Call it what you want. Does suffering have intelligence? Man, that is such like a between the eyes question. I don't, A, I don't know the answer, but I'll give you my perspective. I think that in a sober state, some form, at least some glimpse of suffering,

has a lot of value because it will, it'll almost be used as fuel for the next leg of the journey. I think in, but it only has value if that's what happens, right? If I'm sitting and suffering constantly for no other reason than to suffer, I don't know that that has any value for anyone, including myself. You know, that's my,

my very quick take on that. Yeah, that's well said. This is my personal take on it, Olivia. But I feel some amount of suffering is essential, like it's necessary. Some amount of the suffering is you letting go of the very things that are holding you back. You don't want to let them go. Sometimes part of you has to die in order for part of you to grow. In some of the most difficult times in my life, when I lost my son, my wife got cancer,

are like, man, you should have heard the arguments I had with the creator, man. It was brutal. I get goosebumps just thinking about it right now. But you know what? Like, it's, it's almost like, it's almost like in that movie Forest Gump, when Captain Ron was like, you call this a storm, you know, he's just fighting, you know, and like, they're just cussing and throwing up a storm. Like, that's part of you dying.

That's part of you letting go of something you think is so essential you can't live without but only after you let go of that can something new grow like there's a giant hole in you and eventually something starts to grow back so i and i think you're right to say that suffering for suffering's sake is is is wild and crazy but there is something in suffering that is intelligence and when you recognize it it gives you the courage to let go up and i'm sure everyone has their own story with that but i i think that there is intelligence in there and it's It's up to the individual to find out where that intelligence is. But yeah, that's a tough one, Olivia.

That's a beautiful question. That's awesome. That's awesome. Yeah. There. Marcus, Marcus coming from Atlanta. Shout out to Marcus. He says, is rock bottom an event?

Or is it simply the first moment where honesty lives? These guys, they have such good questions. Best audience in the world. Yeah. I mean, I thought I had hit rock bottom so many times. Like, my wife will say that all the time. Well, that's just his rock bottom. I said, honey, we can always find deeper, you know, like until we're dead, you know,

there's always a deeper bottom. Yeah. And, you know, I think, I think rock bottom is really just when I stopped digging, whenever that is. You know, and my most recent rock bottom was an emotional one. It was not, you know, I used to think, oh, well, everything's gone. This must be bottom, right? but I will tell you the emotional bottom, I'll tell you a little story.

So the cratum, right, the relapse. And I ended up picking up painkillers right at the end of that. This was two and a half years ago. Opiates? Opiates, yeah, yeah. And so I go to rehab and I'm in rehab, just broken. Like, Austin, you've been doing this for 18 years now. Like, how are you still?

How did you get in your eighth rehab? And while I was in there, it was the first time I ever consciously thought to myself, wait a minute, I already have everything that I want. All I have to do is not screw it up. It was the first time I ever really thought that. Because what I really wanted and what I've come to find out that I really want isn't financial, it's not success. It's like close, intimate personal relationships with people.

And I have that in spades. I get tackled like a football team when I walk through the door by my kids. And it's like, what could be better than that? I've already got it all. And so in that sense, that time of suffering that I went through really kicked me hard in a new direction to say, wait a second, look around you, man. You were dying and look at where you are. So in that sense, it did have a lot of intelligence.

man I know we kind of pop back to the last question on the rock bottom question but nevertheless like it's all there you know what I'm hearing is like awareness

like becoming aware of what you truly have and sometimes I think that with a greater found awareness comes not only the new heights you can reach but also the new lows you can reach like you don't get one without the

other. And maybe that's something that people, at least in my own experience, I shouldn't speak to other people, but my own experience on the lows that I have had, you know, I realize that your ability to be aware of these lower lows also allows you to be aware of the higher highs. Have you found that to be true in your life as well? Totally. I remember reading the prophet by Khalil Gibran years ago and there's a line in there it says the the well of joy and sorrow are cut from the same stone right like the matter how low the lower I go on the one side that the higher I can go on the other you know that yeah so I didn't know what the hell it meant back when I read it and I think but I think it's appropriate to what we're talking about right here have you always

been an avid reader no I'll, you know, I love, I love wrestling with ideas. And so in that sense, like, I will most definitely, like, I had a guy recommend to me a while back to read mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. And again, I explained to you my, you know, kind of journey up until that point, but I was like, yeah, screw it. I'll read it, you know. And the last chapter was all about spiritual pride. And this was years ago, and I've never forgotten the information contained within that. And it was like, wow, I'm so glad that I was open-minded enough to read that.

And so while I am not, I have a stack and I shit you not, maybe four across this high next to my bed of books that I've ordered that I intend to read. Right. But, you know, by 8, 39 o'clock, when my wife and I get all the kids down, she's like, can we just zone out on something mindless? I'm like, yeah, babe, go for it. You know, so like, but, but I do, I really love the journey of, of reading and exploring. But my, but I have, I do sometimes have a very hard time paying attention and absorbing. Yeah. I think we all do.

But some of those books that you've mentioned, while a great read all the way through, you can pick up and just turn to a page on some of these books and just read a sentence or two and just be like, whoa, let me just put this down for a minute. Think about this. Totally. Yeah. That's how, you know, Eckhart Tolle books were very much like that. I actually had to listen to him on Audible because if I tried to read it, it didn't compute.

I needed him to explain it, you know? So, yeah, I love that stuff. And, you know, my wife is a, she's a, you mentioned the DSM. She's a therapist. My wife is in. Imagine that. Yeah. So, you know, she, she, right, exactly.

Physician heal thyself. And she, you know, started plugging me in with, like, lot of different really cool stuff that is of a different, you know, vein, but not really like Bray Brown and different authors out there. And I love her, man. Just like diving into what makes people tick is just like such a cool. And I think that is the journey. I really do think that is the journey that the more sensitive I can become to what's going on inside of me, the more useful I will be in helping other people do the same thing. Yeah. I've heard, people say that everyone is a mirror and that which you recognize in other people be it good or

bad as a reflection of yourself. Do you have a certain sort of philosophy that you, that you use when you look at other people in relationships? Or what are your thoughts? Yeah, two things. So the 12-step recovery phrase is you spot it, you got it, right? So it's like if you see something in someone else, and we use that in the sixth and seventh step, which is all about identifying our own character flaws and, you know, giving those up to God. But I think another line that I really, really loved is I don't see the world as it is. I see the world as I am. And I can't always recognize it in myself because most of us can't.

But, you know, I can't see the picture when I'm in the frame. I've got to have a third party to come back. Because I make decisions based on emotion and other people can make decisions based upon reason where I can't do that in my own life necessarily. So that's completely true. I've found that like somebody, I forget who asked it, somebody asked, I hope it wasn't you, George. Then I really have short-term memory loss.

But somebody asked to kind of define a spiritual experience. And I think in the definition that we would use in the rooms of sobriety is that, you know, you're now able to do, see, feel, and think things that you had denied yourself to at other times. And it's almost like the entire world changes, but we're the only ones who change. Nothing externally necessarily changes. But we change. And as a result of that, we attract different things to ourselves. And it's like, you know, so I completely agree with what you said that I don't, you know,

the world is a mirror reflection of me. Yeah, it's interesting. Sometimes I'll see someone. I'm like, that guy is an arrogant jackass. And I'm like, that's me. It's me. I'm an arrogant jack. Damn it, you know?

It's like the world just like, hello. Yeah. Do you ever have that experience? What do you do when you have that experience? Well, the most vivid experience, at least similar to that that I've had, is I used to be in great fear of other people's opinion, other people's judgment of me, you know. Me too.

But that all, that all sprung out from my own critic, my own judgment of myself. Right. And that when I stopped being as judgmental of myself magically, nobody else was judging me either. And I came to learn that, You know, whether provable or not, I believe everyone else is so wrapped up in themselves. They don't have time to judge me.

Like, yeah. You know? Yeah. Nobody, it doesn't matter. That was all my own self-centered fear. Yeah. I always, when I get that feeling, like I just mentioned, I take a moment to sort of talk to that inner critic and be like, okay, obviously, I'm seeing this.

There's probably some things I should work on. And maybe I should look for the beauty in that person. Well, maybe he's that, but he's also these other things too. And then if I can spot those things, okay, maybe that's the antidote to this other thing. So it's a shout out there anybody going through. Yeah. You know what I've, I noticed that if I cast an initial judgment on somebody, almost inevitably if I ask them about their family and their childhood

and I get more depth and dimension to their story. Yes. It goes away. Yeah. That's a great one. That's a judgment is a pretty powerful force that I find in my life. and a lot of people that I talk to. What is your,

maybe we could riff on that for a minute. When I say judgment, what comes to mind? Wow. I don't know that I've ever had to define the word judgment. And not that I'm not, not that I'm defining the word judgment necessarily, but I really want to,

when I give a concise answer. Yeah. When I say judgment, I think maybe initially what comes, comes to mind is like initial religious stuff, you know? Yeah. But I think in,

in the way that it might apply in my life, life. It's, it's, so it's what we would call, wow, this really ties in. It's what we would call a third step problem in our, in my recovery circles, but it actually ties into the CS Lewis stuff about pride. And that, so what he was getting into is that, and this is kind of why it's stuck with me, is that anytime I look out here and I judge, I say wrong, this should not be the way that it is, but it is the way that it is. And I'm saying to myself, this is not how this should be. This person's not how it should be this situation is like as in there's no divine order happening. That what I'm actually, what I'm actually doing is is playing God. I'm actually

in that spiritual pride mode of saying, hey, bud, I know that you're, you've given divine order to the magnitude of the universe, but that guy right there, you screwed up with him, man. You know what I mean? Like that's sort of bullshit. So yeah, that's kind of, and that pride chapter from C.S. Lewis, man, is so good. So good.

So, yeah, that's what comes to mind with judgment. And it's like, for a guy like me, that is, that is the crux of most of my problems. Is the belief that either I'm, I'm wrong or, or that person is wrong or this situation is wrong, instead of believing that underpinning all of it is a fundamental goodness that's always working out. You know, whether true or not, that's my belief that that is true.

Yeah, that's a beautiful lens to operate under. What can I learn from this? Yeah, it's awesome. Who else do I got over here? Whoa, I got Alan. Alan coming over here. He says, if every decision we make is shaped by, by genetics, trauma, environment, and neurochemistry,

how much moral responsibility should addicts actually carry? Well, so I'll take two lenses on that. I've never been asked that question. For the attic, if I, I'll say for me, if I do not take full accountability and responsibility, I will not recover. Full stop. if it's anyone else's fault, I'm not going to get better.

From an external perspective, like let's say I'm looking at somebody who a week ago wanted to get sober and today relapsed. In my head, I'm not saying you're responsible for that because I know that the solution that they seek, they just haven't found yet, the same solution that I've found, right? that addiction is just rearing back up, the way that it reared back up a hundred times in me. But for him, he's definitely holding himself responsible because that's the shame part of, in the despair part of relapse, you know? And so your question is great.

And I hope from a world standpoint, right, obviously there have to be consequences when people do bad things. That's how our society operates. But I think from a harm reduction or a lessening of the problem standpoint, the way that I view them and us, if somebody's struggling, is that, yeah, his brain is just reverting back to that thing it knows. And until we've, we've, you know, dug new neuropathways or helped him to have a spiritual experience or brought him into the solution that gives him a way of living every day that he can

maintain, he's very likely to go back to it again. And that's just a feature of alcoholism and addiction. It's not a bug. You know, that's a feature of it. It's that little silent voice that calls us for it. That's a great answer. Thanks, Alan. Appreciate it.

I got Kevin. Kevin from Boston. Shout out to Kevin. He says, is addiction simply desire without boundaries? Well, I think it's a lot deeper than that. I mean,

I think, and that's a great way of framing it up, I suppose, and maybe in one sense, that's true. But it's, it's so much more than a desire.

Like, I'll, the first time I drank, I was, I just turned, I was either 12 or 13. It was the summer I was turning 13. I don't remember the exact date. And it was three tallboys in the garage of a friend's house. And up until this point, I had severe neurological ticks as a child. Like I would twitch out a lot. I had even vocal tics. I'd be sitting in the back of the classroom going, like a dolphin.

Kids were brutal. And so by the time I got my first buzz, the way that that felt to me, the relief that that was, it was like driving through a rainstorm and going under an overpass for the first time where the rain just stops. It's like dead silence. And so after that, the relief that that provided to me, the taste that I just got was like like I never want to not feel that way. And on the flip side,

my sober moments became more and more horrific, right? So when I drank, the relief was great. But when I was not drinking or using drugs, the, all the shit I had going on inside of me just spun out of control. Like it was horrendous.

And that's part of the reason I went so hard into addiction so quickly. but the back to the question is a desire without boundaries. I think it's so much more than that. For some reason, you know, like when I alter my mind in any way, in any way, there's a very high probability that I will either crave more of the same immediately or after that's done, I will obsess about more, like when's the next time, you know? So great.

Great question. Great question. And I am in no way, you know, I'm not an authority on any of this shit. I just have a lot of lived experience. You know what I mean? So by all means, I hope you ask that question, other people, too, and get their takes on it. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you think you'd be a different person if you didn't go through everything that you went through? Yeah. I totally do. You know, I have family members that didn't go through what I went through. And, you know, they're living, they're living their sweet lives. and they have, you know, their own level of life issues. I will tell you that I'm at a point today where I can say to you without reservation, I really do like and love the person that I am.

I have a lot of gratitude for the little quirks that used to drag me down, but now they're like kind of my little neurodivergent superpower, man. You know, it's, I feel a lot of gratitude for that stuff. And in watching my, mainly it's my little girls right now, but maybe my boys will show this same thing. Watching them grow up and watching them go through stuff and not just knowing that they will come through it, but having compassion for the spot that they're in and how difficult that must be for them is like, love it.

It's hard, right, in the moment. But I'm very, very grateful for that experience. of having to go through that. And to be honest, I don't think I would change what happened in my life at all for this moment. Are you grateful for the experiences that she went through? Yeah, I am. Can you explain that?

Can you? It's back to the joy, the well of joy and sorrow, man. It really is, you know? Like, do you want to, do you want to ride a roller coaster that goes like that? Do you want to ride the fucking roller? You know, I'm using bad language now. It's all good, man. I don't always want to ride a roller coaster that goes,

you know, I wanted to slow down eventually. But I really am, I do feel an immense amount of gratitude because it's kind of like when I was, when my three-year-old was being a terrorist. And that song, that John Mayer song came on. And it just went, remember that? But when you're having a hard day, remember that. You would have killed for that hard day.

You know? So yeah, that's the deal. That's the deal. Great questions. Austin, phenomenal conversation. It's exceeding everything I thought, man. So much fun out here. I'm so glad to be doing this week.

And thank you to the audience for all the wonderful, very thoughtful questions. Those were lovely. Yeah. And there's a QR code. For those that are watching us live right now, there's a QR code on the bottom. You can scan it and get the book right there at his site. Well, let me ask you this, though, as a parting shot right here.

What is it that if someone reads this book you want them to walk away with? Is there a certain idea? Is there a message? Or what is it? If someone reads this book, what do you hope they get out of it? Well, if, if there, I guess,

I do believe a lot of the time that the message we receive is specific to who's receiving it, you know, because it's filtered through our own life experiences. If it's somebody who may have an addiction that you're not alone. If it's somebody who just like digs a crazy-ass story,

you know, I hope it hits you. I hope you feel a heart pull with it. Like maybe I hope that it gives you a desire to go deeper. You know, I really do. In my case, it, you know, it almost killed me. And I certainly don't wish that upon anyone. But I hope, you know, and some people will just like, go like, Dude, cool story, right?

So, you know, whatever. It's, you know, the cover has a lot of drugs on it. So like, you know, maybe don't read it at the nursery with the kids or anything. But yeah, I appreciate it, man. Thanks for that QR code also. That's very nice of you. Yeah. And where can people find you?

Where can people find you at if they're looking to reach out to you? One Last Hitbook.com is my website. All my contact information is on there at One Last Hitbook on. your various socials on Twitter. I'm at Austin Ramp, R-A-M-P-T. And yeah, that's the spot, man. I love connecting with anyone, by the way. So if someone does read the book

and wants to chat with me, by all means, please reach out. I would love to hear from you. Ladies and gentlemen, Austin, hang on briefly afterwards. Everybody else with that and the sound of my voice to Kevin and Sophia, Jennifer, Marcus, Olivia, Nathan and Rebecca and Jordan. Thanks so much for hanging out with us today.

That's all we got. Have a beautiful day, ladies and gentlemen.