Trusty Hogs - Ep1. ALISON SPITTLE / Poundland, Pop Tarts & Pigs

Episode Date: September 30, 2021

It's finally here! Trusty Hogs kicks off in style as Catherine & Helen deep dive into Poundland, public nudity, and Tracy Beaker. Plus, we're joined by the brilliant Alison Spittle to solve a listener problem and teach Helen about Irish history...Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions: [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Simon MooresPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / SBDubz / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen Bull / Harald van Dijk Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to trusty hogs the park. Oh my God. No. No. We have a sting. We don't need you to do a snort. That wasn't even a hog noise. It was a snore.

I've got two options for hog noises. Please do neither. So either. Helen. Oh. No. They're both terrifying. Okay.

Andrew. Sorry. This isn't a survey. I'm trying to do the fucking intro. Through the fog. Step for the trusty hogs. Yeah. You're going to give them your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem.

They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. Hello and welcome to trusty hogs, the podcast where we chat about our week invite you to trust us with your problems and have a lovely. friend in studio like today's legendary guest, Alison Spittle. We want to know what your drama is, whatever your problem is, you can send it over to us and we will fix it for you because we're like trusty hogs. Yeah, are we going to fix it or are you going to just want them to like spill more drama? Either way, just trust us. We're going to try. I love your drama. Yeah. If you cry,

I'm happy. I'm a bad person. Yeah, but hey, we're both here. If you like the podcast, please don't forget you can like and subscribe. And if you like, like the podcast, you can support us on Patreon. won't even think it's weird which you have to do because otherwise it upsets us yeah and also we can't afford to keep doing this if you don't and also we need to eat helen needs chicken cottage fact no no no i still think we should do a sound of that i don't think you should i think we have a sting for this very late we'll just record some pig noises and then see if we want to use them let's not um because i just think we're not none of these sound like pigs none of these sound like It's like part of me like wants to make pig noises and part of me just trying to envelop

this smell. Do you remember when you were younger and like the boys would play with like a sponge football? No. On the playground. It was a whole thing. We just had a. Yeah, we were allowed to use footballs because. Okay.

So then footballs break glass. So they would just give us. Oh my God. Did my school just not let us have real footballs? It sounds like you were violent. Okay. We had sponge balls and I just like I didn't want it to hit me. But when it did, I'd love it.

So I loved that smell of sponge. like dirty wetlands and i'll be like oh god that's the most piggy noise you've done by by making your own noise for once miss derling my PE teacher was like oh helen can you get the hockey stuff out of like the PE store cupboard and i was like yeah no worries and i went in there and i saw the whole bag of like new sponge footballs and it took me about 10 minutes to find the hockey stuff because i was in there just like snorting sponge soaking it in she was like where are you and i'm getting it

Why have I been buying you scented candles when I could just buy you wet sponges? That and petrol. Like I am such a thing for them. Petrol I get. Petrol I understand. Like window open, like hanging out. I still don't think we've explained the podcast though conceptually. I feel like... I'm a pig. Oh, that's what it is.

It's that I'm, it's called trusty hugs because Helen's disgusting and I'm reliable. Oh, that was really sweet. Was it a nice? So sweet. I'm so excited we're doing this together. I wish you weren't touching my hands. Okay. All right.

No, it's basically a podcast where we're just going to. a chat and then we think we can fix your problems, even though both of us thrive on people being miserable and in pain. Listen, I don't think I thrive on people being miserable. Oh, me neither then. No, I least, no, no, what I was saying is, am I my best self-solving a crisis that isn't mine. Yeah. I am. Do I want my friends to constantly being crisis? No, but do I want to hang out with them when they're not? No. And I think you genuinely are good in a crisis. I've gone to with crisis before and you solve it with food more than anything. Yes. But I think that's kind of what people usually need. Did you know that the plural of crisis is crises, not

crises, though? Something to think about. Now, here's the thing. We are doing a podcast together. Fun for all of us. Isn't it fun when she's correct? We're doing a podcast together because nobody else wants to do a podcast with us. By which I mean you, I got dumped and you got let go. I did not get let go. Daddy look at me is on a indefinite break we're coming back okay in indefinite is that what Rosie Jones

she's very successful oh I'm sorry you didn't get let go it's just the company got too successful for you to be part of it oh my gosh did I get let go

but thank you so much for doing this part hey listen I hired you I'm like taking on a tough case oh my God I got fired did you just find out text Rosie

I literally am that is mad well you can tell her that I just informed you that you'd been let go as if she didn't have a formal meeting with you to let you know that. That's crazy. By the way, have you had a manicure?

Did I get dropped from the podcast? I'm just recording the new one that I'm doing with Catherine and she was like, you've been fired. And now it's just suddenly hit me. I think you might have fired me and I didn't realize. Yeah. Let me know. I'm looking forward to that reply.

I'm sorry, have you had a manicure? Yes. They're lovely. Your hands look so clean. Did the lady wash them for you? They cleaned them for me and she cut my cut my cutticles. And fuck that hurts. Yay. Well, only of you like never take care of your little hands.

I've had one manicure before in my life. One. One. Yeah. So this is number two. And it's gels. Oh, nice. Which means that they don't smudge. Yeah, or chip. But you mustn't pull them off. You'll damage your nails. But I, how would I pull them off? Oh, no, no. Don't do. I just said, don't do it. I just said don't do it. Why? They peel off slowly. You got to know, but I have the stuff to take them off.

I'm the nation's new beauty. Um, new, you've been in the nation's beauty for some time. See what the problem is with getting a manicure instead of a pedicure. Is a manicure, sure everyone can see it. Yeah. But a pedicure, they take dead skin off your feet, which is the most fun process. It is. Watching someone hunched over shaving your foot. Have you ever had this, Andrew?

It's so hot. Oh, by the way. Andrew's here. Andrew's our hoglet. Andrew makes the podcast. Andrew does all the tech. You might know Andrew if you watched our online gig, gig list because Andrew runs the gig. Andrew basically does all of the hard work, but we didn't want it to be on camera because we were

like, it's our, it's our part. You're on my camera, which is my eyes. Yeah, for the, for the YouTube viewer, you can also tune in on YouTube if you're listening to this. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, you can watch it on YouTube. Okay. Yeah, so he knows all the tech words, like, YouTube.

If you, if you're watching and you keep seeing Helen, like, look into the distance for, like, isn't Catherine bullshit right now? She's looking me in the eyes. Every time she says that. Every time. That sounds like rude. That's so rude. That's so rude.

Like, during Gigless, um, online, I know you've done it. I do it. to Andrew and to audience members on camera. To be clear, I know you do it. I just can't pick up on it every time because every time you're like, she's a stupid bitch. And I'm like,

I'm the reason this is happening. And I need to know that in my heart and soul because otherwise you would undermine me and I won't have it. I'm so beautiful. You are beautiful. Go on to YouTube to see the color of my nails. Oh my God.

Yeah, check it. If you're missing a tangerine nail if you're not on YouTube, which I think is a crying shame. Shall we? I'm like, I'm practically soella. Oh my God.

She's had a baby, by the way. So like she's past it. Let's get you in as the new Zoella. I don't think she is because her baby is 100% going to be a star. Oh, fine. You know, when you've just got the vibe. Like I saw a picture that Alfie and her posted and I was like, Who's Alfie?

You. Pointless blog. What's point of blog? I forget how out of pop culture you have been for like years. I don't think you were ever in it. What do you mean out of pop culture? I'm not out of pop culture because I don't know who Alfie is. Alfie days.

Pointless blog. Longtime boyfriend to Zoella, Zoe Sugg. Father of Otterly, Roo. Are those. No, that is the name of her child. Oh, okay. Cool. Are that all one person's name?

It's only because I got here before you when we were talking about Troy Savan. Oh, I know who Troisovan is. Okay, fine. So, like, okay, talk to me about gay pop culture. I'm there, but I'm not out of culture. You just know everything. Thank you. Because you don't retain useful information.

Shall we talk about how your week was? How was your week, please? I've been the change I want to see. Have you? I feel like I've had a really good week. I went to the shops yesterday for a move. spent ages in pound land you know when you just go in because um my housemate wanted a dish brush i don't like it in there it makes me want to tidy i like why it really makes me want to tidy

my local one is a mess also why is it called pound land if everything isn't a pound because everything's not a pound helen well they've got the five pound section it just feels like false advertising it's confusing and also am i saying pound land or am i saying poundland it's also not a land is a poundland or pound land? Pound land. You're making this harder for yourself than it needs to be. But like Iceland.

It's a land of ice. No, but a shop though. Yes. I don't know. It's very confusing. But why isn't everything a pound? The shop is based on the country. Is it?

100%. That's why all staff members of Iceland have to be able to speak fluent Icelandic. Oh. On my life. I've never tested that theory. On my life. On my life.

It doesn't feel like they get paid enough. I think it's a coincidence at the front door of every Iceland in the UK faces Reykjavik. Do you think that's a coincidence? Because I don't think it is. That's mad, isn't it? But Poundland have got this sick thing on. And I know you're saying like that. But so you went, how did the mums play into the Reykjavik thing?

Because Stacey Solomon loves an outside spa. Oh, I thought it was Finnish. Oh, sweet love. It's most of the Scandy countries. Oh, okay. I've travelled. To Iceland. on Kilburn High Road.

Yeah, which one? Why don't you want to travel with me? You're very intense. You're very intense and you seem quite messy and I don't want to go on any like rides. And I think that you only want to eat in restaurants with buffets and you're quite loud and I think on a plane I would find that stressful. So I like options.

I'm fun. Yeah. I'm careful. That's what you don't like it. Yeah, I want a specific plan, no spontaneity. and I would like to read the menu before I get there and I already decided my... But let's just say it's around the world buffet.

Doesn't matter. That sounds terrible. Because whatever you want, it will 100% be there. No, it'll just be different deep fried meats. Can we circle back, please, too? Could you imagine if a buffet was called

different deep fried meats? You would go. I'd fucking lose a week in. I'd walk in and you could just hear them screaming in the kitchen. It's like, I've got two four nights out. People bailing out,

like the Titanic water coming in, just screaming. Panicking. But you'd be so happy. But you'd be so happy. Sit down, just plucking on my chair. Yay! Please, please, please, please. Tell me what you bought in Iceland.

Just bones everywhere. Iceland. Oh, sorry. No, no, I'm saying it wrong. Poundland. Poundland. Poundland. Okay, you're going to die.

So in Poundland, you can get two packs of stickers for a pound. Famously, 18 months ago, I went in there to have a look at their sticker collection. because I've got a box of stickers because I'm 30. To whom is that famous? And huh? Who is that famous to? Just.

Did you even tell me about it? You're not even like, there's no one who has a reference point for this. You can't just say things are famously something. You'd been there 18 months ago. You went on, you went on a, what, pre-Brexit splurge. Yeah.

And I bought stickers. And they had some Tracy Beaker stickers. So obviously I lost my mind. What was, how does that work? Does it just like Tracy Beaker on one? Like cartwheeling. or like Tracy just looking grumpy and I was like, this is insane.

Jacqueline Wilson has finally collaborated with the sticker world. I don't think she endorsed that poundland deal. 100% she endorsed it. So I went in, yes. I don't think she did. That feels like a primark Harry Potter situation. You do that thing where you ruin everything that I enjoy.

Oh. Just to be a day. I'm sorry, I just think Jacqueline Wilson should be paid for her work and that's an IP issue. You don't think that when I bought those Tracy Beak stickers to for a pound that Jacqueline didn't get a cut of that. I don't think she did. And I think in many ways it's like you stealing from a queer woman.

So think about that. Oh my God. She probably didn't get a cut of it, didn't she? No, I think that's crazy how you stole from Jacqueline Wilson, Queen of the Gays. Anyway, tell us to you about your sticker story. I'll do a tweet about her. I think she should.

Yeah, my 4,000 followers will be like, finally, someone knew we don't know about her. Can I know? I respect Jacqueline Wilson. I know. That's why it's crazy that you're all one of my mom that self-harm. Yeah, she started all of my eating issues. Like, she's got a lot to be thankful for and to be thanked for.

Here's my question, please. Do you remember when you read, Duspin Baby by Jacqueline Wilson when you were younger. And it's the story about a young girl who was just dropped off as a baby in a bin and just ditched there. I remember reading that and being like, mom had me in hospital and kept me. Yeah. I had a bin.

She did make like normal, like supportive parents seem like the fucking worst option ever. I had a very similar thing with Gilmore girls where I was like, oh, great, my parents are together. Like, I, huh, uh, it was a nightmare. But then you watched it. million times. Yeah, of course. And you realize that it's the best show of all time.

Oh, sorry. It's obviously the best show. Emily Gilmore is my, like, I guess, aspirational idol? Emily Gilmore is someone who I underappreciated when I first watched Gilmore girls. Yeah. Because I was fully seen Laura. Yeah. She's actually just like, however we just give the kids some options.

This is blowing my mind right now to agree with me on this because we don't normally agree. I know. And also the woman wears a pantsuit, like. Nobody's business. So freaking good. Thank you. Also, when she hides all of the step, the mother-in-law's gifts in the basement,

I would do that. I do that with the stuff you give me. Like, I'll get them out when she's over, but I'm not going to have them out all the time. Well, then you get them out a lot. Yeah, because you come to my house too often. Is that why they never have dust? You said it was your OCD thing when you clean them.

Is that because they're just... Oh, no, adult's dust. Oh, my God. But to go back, what are you doing with stickers? I use it to decorate my to-do lists and my dream and vision board. Do you put decorate to do lists? list on your to-do list? No, but do you want to see?

No, thank you. Look, here's my notepad at the moment. There's stickies on the front. Okay. So you've got Woodland Creepers and He's spelled from Hello Kitty as well. And I don't really want to show all my to do list because a lot of it is like figure out that ingrown hair by your can't, you know? Like, do you ever do that when you like have your studio list?

Like something like like a fun task. Do you put a Hello Kitty sticker beside the sort of the hair beside your cunt? Yeah. And then I'll put my little. Like, um. like love and like hello helen look here here you write hello to yourself this appertains to you that's a new word for me by the way katherine b day gift cross but you didn't get me one i got it i forgot to bring it with me though my birthday was over a month ago i haven't seen the gift it's there now

don't open it on screen you're not giving me a birthday you're trying it's in a christmas bag i thought i had at home do you yeah i have to open it on the podcast now No, you don't. I think we do. I don't think we can tee that up and then not do it. I want my birthday present. Come on. It's so late.

To be super technical, I wouldn't do it because it's fancy stuff from Liberty. And then they won't want to give us Patreon stuff. Circle bag. Sorry. Do you have a barber bag, Christmas bag? Emma left it around the flat. Okay.

I was like, what the hell do you on from barber? Emma left it. Do they own, do they sell tweezers at barber? It happens if you don't like it. Oh, you know, it's going to be super awkward on YouTube. If I open it, I don't like it. It will make incredible podcasting though. Right.

We're basically doing it on boxing, which people love, a like friend judgment with which people love, a like a free stuff thing, which people love. And also like, okay, so by the way, for Helen's birthday, we were doing, we did a, we ran a gig, oh, we still run a gig, an online gig called Gigless together. And I threw a evening themed for Helen, booked lineups that she requested. We had people sing songs. The entire night was about her. I had a birthday cake ordered for her.

I had a message on the board. board. It was the one she specifically asked for from Lola's. I had a gift and a card because like I'm polite. And for my birthday, she shouted that it wasn't the actual date of my birthday and got me nothing. And there was no cake. I forgot to bring it. And then I did a work in progress. I forgot to tell you this. I did a work in progress the other day. And the people who watched Gigless sent me cake to the venue with a card that said, sorry, Helen's so shit at organizing birthday. Are you fucking kidding? And it was like really lovely. So that was really heartwarming. What cake did they send? Apple pie and chocolate brownie.

So I actually covered all bases, which is really nice. Who did that? Who do you think? Ruth, obviously. Are you fucking kidding? Yeah, well, I think they felt bad for me because my birthday. But it wasn't your birth? Oh, I'm not doing this again. No. If it's not your birthday, you don't get, fine. Helen had something that wasn't on her birthday. That's interesting because you had another celebration that wasn't on your birthday in the park, in the park. Yeah. And I went to that and I acted like it was your birthday. You went to that and you brought this pillow because God forbid you slit on the grass. Oh, yeah, I did do that. So now you brought this to this. Well, I'm sorry, I wanted you. I want you. I was a gift. Also, I brought sun cream and everyone slagged me off and I was like, oh.

She brought, no, bringing sunscreen is one thing. She bought three different sunscreens for different gradients of skin. Helen. See, I told you it was nice. This is really nice. You know what I did? I bought her things that she's bought me before. I was going to say, are you re-gifting?

Is she re-gifting, but I checked the scent and it's a different one. You left the, you're so nice. You left the price on. I'm not worth this. I'm not worth it. You're not. It's not worth it. Fuck, that smells good.

Can you describe it to the list? The good thing is, I'd never ordered anything from there before I got a discount. It's considerably nicer than a wet sponge. No, I mean, but what is it? They're not watching on YouTube. Oh, they're not watching on YouTube. Oh, sorry. It's a neom organics, London, real luxury scented candle, lavender, jasmine, and Brazilian

Rosewood. Please sponsor our podcast. It smells fucking delicious and it's called de-stress, but I'm opening it near Helen, so it's a real mixed bag. That was nasty. That's so nice of you. Thank you. Oh, my God, there's another thing in here.

You're welcome. Helen. See, this is the thing. I'm scared to get sincere because you're actually being quite nice. Oh, my God. And I've done everything I should. I love a price on. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What is wrong with me? Thank you. You think, well, look at it. Thank you. That's expensive. Look at it. Yeah.

That was, right? So add that up with the other one. Add that up with the other one. You've spent too much money. And you got a discount and you got a card. Oh my God. So when you think about that. full name.

Why have you spent all that money on me, Helen? That's about 50 quid. Is that? That's about 50 quid. No, yeah, it's actually, I think you've done

doing the math. You're not very good at math. It's 57 pounds you spent there. 57. No, no, I got a discount. Oh, no, it's 67.

67. Helen, I'm not thinking I'm worth that, but then I did give you all that work during lockdown. Nobody else was hiring and you got fired by Rosie Jones. Oh, God.

Bye. I just got a text from my mom. Buy gum. What a year. is that gum by gum by gum by gum what are you that right oh Helen this is actually nice there's a weird moment of sincerity in here that I don't know how to deal with don't you feel bad right yeah it's kind of that was a genuinely lovely gift I actually really appreciate it thank you so much the giggless audience just got you a cake but equally you got me gin that you always drink at my

house and you did get me a candle and last time you were there you did a giant poop so I need it beside me for two days. It was horrific. She didn't light a candle, didn't spray any spray, didn't leave the lamp, the, the fan on. I broke the bottom of the porcelain toilet with it. You did it. She did it. She did it.

No one could do that. Why did she believe that? Andrew Belmont was like, do you feel like my shit is that I can break a toilet? You're the only person I would believe that way. That's so much worse. I'm more insulting. Oh my God, that's hilarious. Yeah, well, it was horrible.

And then you ended and I made you say a prayer and light a candle. Yeah, I did say a prayer actually. It said the Lord's prayer and let a candle because Catherine doesn't want poo in our house. No, I don't mind a bit of poo, but I think like, like deal with it. Like, show you for the candle. Thank you for the candle. You were in, right, you know what? Thank you for the candle.

Invite me over to your house for a poo. I'm not. That's not why invite you a well. No, that's not way. In general, please invite me over to your house for a poo and I will deal with it. And you will be like, what a lovely guest. The problem is that I don't think they should invite you to their. their home and also you we did a gig and helen kept giving out her home address and i want to

discourage this level of familiarity from the outset of the podcast um i want to just like be like like that's not the vibe don't give helen your address don't ask helen for her home address if this podcast does work i will be set up a po box for presies oh that would be nice actually and it turns out i really like things from liberty with the price on so i can necessarily check how um how much you value up my friendship 57 pounds oh thank you that was actually really nice once a year because we're being too nice because I actually feel warm and fuzzy towards you. How nice. What um your point is you were saying a big week you were going to be the change you wanted to see in the world. You bought some stickers. Then you closed your notebook and I don't know what we're talking about.

I got stickers. Okay. And that was really exciting. But I don't want to tell you anything else about them. And then I went to Tesco and I got some pop tarts. Are they still making pop tarts? Are they still making pop tarts? What flavors do they come in? They were chocolate and like a strawberry one. And I was like, why am I having fruit? So I had just the chocolate ones and I lost it. I had so much energy. I watched four episodes at Marriott at First Site, UK. Only you were like, I have so much energy.

So I sat on the sofa for four. But like fizzing. I was on the sofa like, like, Mariam, Marrym and like shaking. I'm so excited. I really want to be on Married after site's extra show where they slag them off. I feel like that would be our perfect device. Like we'd be great at that.

Why aren't we on that? Just something to think about it. I do think they should think about it. Yes, please. Also, I watch it when I haven't even had pop tars. I watch it voluntarily. Is there still a birthday cake flight? flavor? There is. Not in the Tesco close to me. You have to go to one of those American

world of candy stores. Do they still, do they cost a lot of money? It was like two pounds something. It was on sale. How many did you get in a packet? Eight. Eight. Are they in those two? Yes. The foil still? Yes. Okay. And how long does it take you to eat the rest of them? They're gone. Okay. And was it like, and I genuinely don't know how to make them any other way. Toaster. But was it like molten lava as soon as you've been into it too hot? I didn't toast it for that long. Oh, I can only make them so that they like destroy. My toaster has to be on the lowest setting at all times because I can't wait for food. Oh, I was like, do you melt? So like, you put in and I'm like, I can't handle the stress of knowing there's a bagel coming my way. Because I'm like,

I'll get so overexcited getting out different jars for toppings that I can't handle it. Okay. It can only be in there for two minutes. Then I'm like, it's time. Okay. I can't anticipate. Would that not mean we need to be on the highest setting so that it would be. cooked by the in the shorter time doesn't work that way i'm so sick of saying this it's just length of time but you want don't want it to be in this long time the heat's the same whatever you do i just hit my chin on this andra is that okay i don't think the heat is all good i don't think the heat no please stop that it looks like you're trying to give it a blow job don't keep doing it uh no no no no um how many how often am i going to spend this podcast being like stop biting the mic this isn't

Those are microphones. Stop spelling the mic. Oh, you're so weird. I hate it. Are you going to allow yourself to have any more pop-tarts? Are you done with them now? Weird orgasm. Pop-tarts, I'm done with them now.

You're done with them now. I feel like my housemate judges me sometimes. Is this Sineal? Yeah. Okay, so for context, if you don't know Helen, then you won't know that Helen has a new housemate. The last one left because she was so tired. No, she bought somewhere.

Yeah, she bought somewhere. She misses me every day. That's how much she needed to get out of there. She bought a house in London, which is like, you're to sell a kidney for that and she or she moved out of london didn't she she she moved like like zone nine just to be away from you but it's like quite far away yeah just to not be near you and now you have senile yeah i live with the boy you too live with a boy how's that going it was going well because i feel like we did like the month of like showing off to each other you know when you

get a new housemate like getting up early doing work yeah like being like i just really crave like a sliced up apple for breakfast that phase is over because i thought he was out gigging late a couple of nights in a row where I was coming back early enough from a gig so I was like coming home ordering my KFC delivery sure and he caught me one night so I was like oh my god I accidentally pressed two burgers instead of one this is so embarrassing and then like ate them quickly and then the next night caught me again with more so it's just like he knows now but senil wouldn't judge you he gets up in the morning a protein shake some people will be able to see the stare that you just gave me which is like this bitch is a

Judgy little motherfucker. He, the way he looks at me sometimes makes me feel unhuman. Oh, so he really sees you, huh? I know, but we also, we've got, we're making compromises. Like, so I do cuddle club in the morning where he has to cuddle me

and he doesn't like that, but he does it. So it's all part of the journey. And what's your compromise? Um, not singing the same Disney song more than three times in a row on a volume 10 in the kitchen. You have your own volume settings? Alexa volume 10 is why I say. okay cool so it's you and alexa singing at volume 10 okay if anyone who wants to experience at home who has an

Alexa just put the volume of the podcast up pretty loud Alexa play colors of the wind by judy coon volume 10 and enjoy but then I do at near the end of the song and go play again no no and then I'm like running around the flat like screaming oh and then he called my old housemate and was like oh was this normal or is she just like acting up because i'm new and like coming off and she was like oh no you're just catching the matinee oh my god amazing and is that not exhausting well then yeah but then i have like a pop tart and you have more energy back up i see that so it comes and goes and if not you can just have a teaspoon of sugar you know you should helen you don't want to do that you should know just comes home we've got my hand in like a sugar jar like a

But then I have like loads of KFC or like a pizza just before I go to sleep. So I like carve myself out. Okay. And then you can sleep. And the next morning I wake up in a pop-ta or like chucky porridge. And are you eating any fruit, vegetables, protein? Because I love slicing up an apple. No, genuinely.

I worry about your like levels of hydration. I drink. I have so much squash. Okay. But did you ever drink any water? I love water. I drink a lot, actually. Okay, good. I'm a big drinker.

Of water? Yes. Promise? Yes. Are you counting with the water in your wine? Look at me, don't look at Andrew. How many glasses of water have you had today? Everyone at home asked themselves the same question. How many glasses of order have you had today?

So I had a leftover, like, Love Island drinky bottle of squash, which is in my bag. Uh-huh. Leftover from what, Love Island? From... When were you on? From when Heidi Regan bought me and Nick Ellery, who's another kind of... comedian matching personalized love island bottles because he came to stay with me for three nights when Sunil went away so I wouldn't be lonely. Are you lovers? No. It's really weird to get

platonic friends love island bottles. We were in a friendship couple. That's strange. Okay. And then I had a bit of squash. Sorry, is this from weeks ago? And antihistamine. And I went to Holland and Barrett when I went to Poundland. And I got zinc tablets because they said they're good for you. And vitamin. Are you trying to increase your libida? Is that what it's for? It does help. I want to decrease it. Oh. Oh. Oh, shit. Andrew, get your fucking trousers off.

Come on. Get on. Get on. I was wondering. Get on. But if we were, 100% you would be on top of me like a baby back up.

Oh, that'd be so cute. Just caroling off to me. That would be, he looks horrified. Like if Catherine was fucking me, I'd be lying down and she'd be owning it. Do you know what I?

Like, it's knowing your position. It's like, you two? I don't know, though. It'd be awkward. That's, That's a hundred percent. Yeah, I think it would be. Because neither of you would be particularly into it.

No, but I think it's fair to say that I would probably be on top. But like, maybe like reverse cowgirls and neither of us as like each other. I think you'd be gentle with him though. I think you'd be very violent with me and like a very like really like in for it like sex, like safe word. Yeah. And with Andrew, I think it'd be more like quite tender. I don't know how we got from Pop-Tarts to here. But yeah, I guess that's true.

Like you'd play the soundtrack to little women in the background. And then when Andrew came. version, absolutely not. Winona Ryder. Okay, thank you. And then Andrew came to play the Valley of the Shadow. Yeah, that's nice. That's not. Yeah, so like I guess Beth dies, his erection dies.

It's sort of got a lovely symmetry there. That's so beautiful. Is that what you call spunking, a death, erection death? Yes, yes. Okay, good. Yeah. It's been a while since I've been with a man. It all makes sense.

Yeah. Cool. Well, I do think you should drink more water. I am. That's the message of that bit. I think you should drink some more. Can I pop this ball? No, please leave the balloon down.

Nobody wants to hear that on a podcast. Catherine, how was your week? My week was going back in. An expert transition. I can literally just see Andrew looking at me being like, we've just talked about you. Okay. Go ahead.

I didn't know you were that perceptive that you could pick that up over Andrew's face. Well, that was the fifth time he gave me that look. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Once we've got some Patreon people, we're going to get a better studio with more cameras and we will have a camera on Andrew. I've actually had a big breakthrough this week

and I've been done to type of it. Okay. So, as you know, during lockdown, I was quite sad. And a way of dealing with my sadness was to lift weights and put them back down again because I needed something achievable to do. So I did that. Oh my God, Andrew. I finally start to talk about myself and you seriously make a noise on the mic.

Are you fucking getting me, Helen? No burping. Helen, no. No burping. That's a rule now in the pot. You're not hotboxing me for this fucking thing. No. That's the first rule of the podcast.

By the way, we'll be making up rules as we go along because apparently I have to. Rule number one. No burping. looking. Look at me. Say it. Look at my... No burping. Do you want me to censor that one? I can I put like... Yes. And also don't do it. I don't want to be hotboxed by your burps. Oh, poor Helen.

No, no poor. You can't pour yourself. Oh, poor. No, rule number one. Actually, Andrew, can we write these down? I think we're going to have an ongoing list of rules. Thank you. Rule number one, no burping. Helen, can I tell you? I was going to tell you a vulnerable story, but now I don't feel safe. No, no. Literally. Okay, right, look at me. Safe space. You're in... What is this? War of the world's Dakota fanning, isn't it? Okay, fine.

And she's like freaking out because like the world's ending and her brother's like, you're in a safe space. Do you know? I don't think it's right that hanging out with you makes me feel like the world is apocalyptic, but okay. I'm okay. So I joined a gym because lockdown's over and I thought it would be good for me to have reasons to go outside and I'd be kind of scared to go outside since lockdown ended.

No, but good for you. Thank you. Are you feeling agrophobic? I'm feeling very agorphobic. Like I finding it very scary. and I know it's my OCD and a lot of things but I'm finding it really stressful and so I wanted like a reason to go out that didn't have

pressure that wasn't like work or to meet people it was just like practice to go somewhere nice so I joined this gym. Anyway this gym has like a Turkish baths attached and so it's like... A hammond were they cool? Yeah I guess we shouldn't probably use that I don't know if we don't know it we should Andrew's like that's not right

Andrew's got a fact check it, we'll fact check it I feel that was correct. Okay probably anyway so it's attached to this gym which makes it sound fancier it's like a community gym. Yeah. But there's three days a week are for women, three days for men and three days or one day mix. There's not nine days of the week. You know how the week works. Um, but on the women only days, um, I assume women and non people, non-binary people. Um, oh, I should check them. I didn't ask and that was my privilege. Anywho. Um, I'll check. But the point is, everyone goes nude.

Yes. Now, that is, I'd say, anti everything I stand for. So it's like, butts on seats. Yes. It's vagin water. Yes. It's, uh, boobs are swinging where I don't want them to be. It's like I don't want. So several things there. One, I'm thinking immediately dirt germs. Right. I'm like, that's not right. No, there's nothing more cleanly than the woman's naked body. Second thing I'm thinking is, um, I don't want to see bodies that I don't want to see. Um, but also I like, what do I do do like to see? It is all very awkward. And you come. It's all very tricky, right? And then mainly I was thinking I don't want anybody to see my body so I'll wear a swimsuit but I get in and it's this okay this sounds really earnest but like I just had a reaction to it that I wasn't expecting to have which

is like everyone just had a body and they just were and they were neutral yes and they weren't sexualized or rectified and it was just and and there were so many different types that I was like fuck it and I took off my swimsuit and I guess in my head what would happen in that scenario is everyone would turn gasp and be like you're fucking disgusting

which is a really sad reflection on my body and my self worth whatever then I just cracked on and everybody nobody gave a shit because everyone was just having a nice time no one's looking no one gave a shit if anything at some point I was like I mean you could look somewhat

maybe not the front side but like I got a cute butt Um, but maybe I just couldn't see them looking from behind actually. Yeah, yeah, it's probably what was happening. And they're probably like, what? Um, but, uh, yeah. And then you can put down your towel as everyone does. So actually not as unhygienic as I first thought. And, um, I think it's the longest I've ever, I was only there for 30 minutes. But I think that is the longest period. I was ever kind to my body. It's a long time to be naked in public and like yourself. That's good. Oh, just like just like just neutral. Just like, it just was a body for it. And, and honestly, I, I, I feel more uncomfortable, like, in the world in my clothes than I did in that moment. And I don't know why I'm bringing it up except to say that, like, it felt is significant. And I, and I, and that's what I did this week. And I, that is significant. Yeah. It was weird. It was weird because I, I also just didn't. I don't, anyway. But, like, I know that, that's the thing is, I know I don't judge other women's bodies. But I am so hard. Like, the first thought I have is, good morning, you're disgusting. And

that's, like, every meal is like, oh, and you're disgusting. And, hell, and punish me. deprivation punishment deprivation whatever it is and then uh and then i was just there and it just was and it's um made me feel good better about my body and also i was like not just that other women's bodies were neutral but they were that but they were i was also like but also they're all fucking gorgeous oh i know right like yeah like it's just everyone's like everyone's like everyone's got something that's like you're like that's gorgeous we're going on a naked whole day together that's not what i said and all this got really earnest really fast and i feel like you would i thought you were gonna make a joke by now or like under but you're no i'm with you i think it's a fucking beautiful thing i totally i

understand it i think the assumption that everyone is judging your body at all times they're not like we judge our own yeah society has taught us to but hopefully we're lucky enough to be able to grow out of that at some point it's never permanent you never fully confident for like a year it comes and goes yeah but like i'm with you i fucking love that like i live in germany and like you'd like shower like naked there and like the changing rooms aren't like they are here but also like me and my friend sophia went to one of those like naked like spa um day things in morocco once yeah it's like this is so great but then again at the same time i'm also incredibly comfortable naked i love it if anything is a home away from home my mom wants walked me home

from school naked because i refuse to get um dressed i'm so i'm gonna need some more context because that's not at all like what i was four okay good that's good that's good we had to like walk down a main road and fleet where I'm from to get home what how did you get naked when did you get naked so school ended but we had to wait an extra 10 minutes for my brother who was in like a year above sure came out so I was on the playground playing all of my friends and I convinced her to get naked and me to be naked too this sounds coercive ditched our clothes and like ran around together and then we went back to our mums and then her mom was like put your clothes back on and she did immediately like a loser and I was like absolutely fuck There is no way. A piece of cloth has touched my body. My mom was just like, okay, fine, fuck it. You'll walk home naked.

And I was like, absolutely fine. This is a main road. What about shoes? Through the town. Any shoes? Uh-uh. And I just like paraded like a fully naked four-year-old like, like, you were not catwalking like that. 100%.

You were not catwalking. 20 minute walk back to my house. No. At any point, did you get chilly? Uh-uh. Did you get like nervous shy? My best life. You didn't get shy at any point?

How did your brother feel about this? I assume you're walking home with him. I don't have a memory of this. This is all true telling. I genuinely thought you're going to be like, I mean, I don't have a brother. He was just a device in this story. But the thing is, you're right. Like, every photo of me as a kid is naked.

Like, I was obviously cool with it at some point. And then I just became horrified. But it's so special when you see little kids and they're just sort of like their body is so much fun. Like, you know, like when they discover that their tummy's a drum and they're like, oh. Yeah. It's like, yeah, because it's so much fun.

Their body's fun. no, no, their body is just functional. It's just like, it just is. It's just like, ugh. I wish he had a sticker to give you as a well done. I would not want that. For doing it. You're going to go back?

Yeah. Yeah, I am. I am and I'm going to try my best to keep the level of comfort in somewhat in my life. It comes and goes, but when you feel uncomfortable, know that that's an uncomfortable moment. It's not because you're uncomfortable and don't like your body. Yeah. Like, I'm very comfortable in my body, but every now and again, I'm uncomfortable because

I feel like I'm too tired. I'm not too much space, but doesn't mean that I'm not happy with how I look. Just that at that moment, I'm not into it. Yeah. I think that's the thing. I think maybe I need to be okay with a slightly more transition like today. I can feel good and tomorrow I can feel bad instead of it being like, I'm like not only am I disgusting, but I'm also a bad feminist for not loving my body enough today.

You are a bad feminist, but not for that reason. But that's not why, right? Exactly. It's like, hello. It's because I object to my women all the fucking time. And I pay you less than I pay myself. Shall we move along? Hello, you're watching listening to Trusty Hogs.

You're in the room with us. Yes, you are. Please. Like and subscribe our podcast, rate our podcast. Give it a five stars. People like sometimes go, oh, this podcast's fine, but they're a bit much. Or like, that Irish one's a bit chatty. And they just give it like 100% on my life.

And they give it three. And it's like, why just give us five? Like, give us five. Yeah. Think of it as rating Helen's boobs. Give it a five. Thank you very much. Five stars.

follow us on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, at trusty hogs. And if you have an issue you would like to trust us with, please email us at trusty hogs at gmail.com. So email us, I think that's more than one of them. Email us. I'm remembering this myself. And then follow us right now. Go on to your phone type and at trusty hogs. And then when you're doing it, make the noise. Don't make the noise. Make the noise. Don't make the noise. Thank you so much. Hi, Helen has gone to the bathroom. So it seemed like a good opportunity to do a little trigger warning. Sometimes we talk about mental health. Sometimes we talk about slightly sensitive issues. Sometimes like in this episode, we talk about suicide. And we just wanted to give you a little

warning in case that's not your vibe on the way to the train. You know what I mean? But you can understand why Helen couldn't be here for this, can't you? Who would go for though if you had a choice? Of what? Creamy and Catherine. What's the situation? I'd say it's just vibe. Just like a vibe to hang out with. That's so much more hurtful than sex. I know. I was like, that's like, Which of us do you prefer? As people. Yeah, like why, not like a week's holiday.

Right. Where to? Miorca. Do you film me? Miorca, okay. Cool. So, let's talk about... That's not very fair.

Alison immediately knows she's going to spend way more time creaming me. That's not right. Okay. I see three years. Well, then you pick a holiday location for a week. Galway. Goalway. Well, that's bullshit because you know if you take me to Galway, I'll sing one of the IRA songs

and then the whole trip's over. I love it in your accent as well. Thank you. All right, we're going to Devon. We're going to Devon. Okay, we're driving together. Who can't drive? My grandparents have a little place in North Devon so we can stay somewhere for free.

I'll pay for dinner. You pay for dinner. I'll make you dinner. But we're just driving her now. I know. That's not the same as. I'll take me crabbing. You'll take me crabbing.

We'll catch crabs together. I've got lines and everything. That feels like. I got lines. I got bacon. It feels like a night out where you do coke and get crabs. Um. I'll buy you chips.

You know what? I don't know that I'm, I just think I want you to respect me enough as a person. I'll take you to the big sheep. But could we, could we not like, why is, don't try to choose both of us else

and don't you dare just respect us on our podcast. There's room and a car. I'm sitting in the back. I'm lying down in the back. Yes. There's no room. You know what?

Pick, just pick someone. Okay. Ip dip. No? Isn't that iny-meany-meenie? It's a dog shit. No? What do you go for?

E-in-mey-miny-miny-miny. I'm not personal references, but I guess she doesn't. That's only to consider. Andrew, back me up there. Yeah, it's easy money. As long as we're in London and we're on my turf. You guys go on holiday and we'll go to Devon. Now, hello.

We're going to me yorker, baby. Alison Spittal, welcome to trusty hog. Yay! No, stop doing that. Stop it. That's no part of it. No, no, no, no. I just thought we're doing a podcast called Trusty Hoggs.

We might as well snort. So if you could, uh, no, Alison Donik, don't do this. I feel fresh. She'll take your dignity. It's already gone. I mean, it was five minutes ago when I was getting auctioned up. You broke her? You look gory just by the way.

Do you really want to do that stunning ever with a snort? I'm going to do a lady like one way. How? Oh, it's a posh pig. Oh. I'm sorry. Is it wounded? Is the hog wrong?

The hog has been shocked We're going to have a feast tonight It's more It's shocked that we did it to them And also it's inevitable They're like, I shouldn't have trusted you man That was gorgeous I know, it had such a journey

It sounded like Babe's mum Or when Babe gets taken away Oh yeah no, babe's mom's more like Way there Do you want to do you want to Yeah Well I don't question I was like sorry I think you find a lot

The Babe Babe has just been taken away And mom's more animalistic pain. It's primal. My child. I don't know if that'll do a level. I got goosebumps.

Yes. I think I could genuinely, I'm not the greatest actor in the world, but I think if I could play pigs. Don't you ever put yourself down like that. I agree. You were the fucking Meryl Streep of hogs. That was like a full Wilburne situation.

We were both Charlott's on the web. I was freaking out. I felt that in my chest. I got goosebumps. Okay, I genuinely was against the making the guest do a hug noise. No. But now I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize podcasts could win an Oscar.

That's crazy. That's mad. Oh, thank you for your talent and your time. Wow. I've named Diana hugs. I think we will. I think we will. You're just having a chap.

Then you're like, you're a stand-up comedian. You should 100% do that instead. Yes. We did a new material night the other night and you didn't do any pig noises. No. What's that about? I talked about suicidal ideation, which is never good for them. topic switch topic switch topic switch i can i just rewind sorry um do you want to talk about it

it was so good because i heard about this gig so can you please tell so i now have two facts about the gig both of which diverged completely so yours is that you talked about suicidal ideation trigger warning um helen's version of the story was different so why don't you start with yours and then we'll go back to allison so my main memory of this gig which happened like two weeks ago or a week ago yes was we went outside after it and a 19 year old drunk girl came up to us and was like, you, you need to talk more about your vagina on stage. Have you ever heard of Sarah Milliken?

And you went, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she turned to me, looked me square in the eye and was like, and this, I want to know if this is the same on stage as it is off. And I was like, go away. This is a fetus. She was a child.

And she also, after, because we had a bit of a dance after, she came to the periphery of our dance circle. She liked their vibe. I didn't. I don't know. She liked her life or wanted to figure out what was happening. But I don't know what we talked about. She was so young.

Like pugs? Just so you know the kids? Not playing with Pogs anymore. Just like that's 100% over. That's over. You just started Pokemon. Yeah. No, no.

But you don't get to be like judgmental of Pogs. We can have Pogs. I'm not being judgmental of Pogs. I'm being respectful of Pog. Okay, that's just way too much right now. But you just got Pogs? No, no, no. Yeah.

I got Pogs. No, no, we just got Pogs. Along with Protestantism. yeah there was a yeah i still don't fully get the island catholic protestant thing do want to talk about it i know that catholics let her talk about it let her talk about it let's just watch her talk about it the catholics are the irish-irish and the protestants are the ones who brought over no see this is what i'm saying i don't know but whenever i try and talk about it i get shut down i feel i feel like if i and the protestants are from the english if i correct you in any way i'm coming down

with you on this book? I feel like I agree. We can't speak neutrally on this topic. But I'm 30 now. At what point is someone going to willingly discuss this with me? I'd say not on a podcast and have you considered a book. I have considered a book. I'm reading one at the moment. I think that's what podcasts are generally for

people that consider books and I go, no. I don't have the time. I don't want to and it's my little life. But you don't get along the Catholics and Protestants is the main point of this. That's not necessarily Oh, for fuck, then what's the problem? What were the troubles?

My dad was English Protestant. How are you doing? I bet you're going to have so much trouble with levels generally. Yeah. Do you want to go out to suicide? That was... Yeah, yeah. So, like...

We were letting Helen commit sort of nationalistic suicide as a backdrop for Allison. Who were the black and town? No, stop. I'm sorry, but I feel like if it's a podcast that we're co-hosting, there should be a safe space for me to ask my question. Absolutely. All I can gather is you had trouble, you do still. And it's something to do with Protestants versus Catholic.

I love the English explaining Irish troubles and never saying England. But what were they? It's Protestants and Catholics. It's like, say English. Say English. So the Protestants are the English? Not necessarily. Not necessarily.

But the issue was the English. No, that's not the trouble. In life's the trouble. My dad's English and like he would... I'm so sorry. I know. For your troubles. Mine too, mine too.

Is your mom German? No, both English. It's grandparents. Don't think about the date. English. Didn't change their names though. No, we kept the German spelling because you know, you never know. What would you?

Like, let's say if you wanted to change it to English, you don't know the way to Battenbergs. What were they? Everyone, yeah, the Mountbattenberg, the Germans changed it. So you just, everyone did it during the world. Power? Helen Power. Bauer. B-O-W-E-R. They chose an English spelling.

B-O-W-E-R is for the people that fucking quirt. Like Dane Bauer. This is probably related to you. Absolutely. Well, no, because Bauer is also like, like, farmer. It's like a really common sign. Oh, Helen Farmer. Well, it so means farmer now.

It used to mean peasant. Oh, right. Which doesn't feel right for me. Oh, no, too high status. What's below? Peasant. Anyway, it's, I'm so glad you're here. so the gig

you did a gig on and then you were talking about suicidal ideation yes I got the coil in and that maybe you said that like those were linked statements were they genuinely were so you and you got the coil in on

the day of the gig and you were like I'm going to talk about no I got the coil in like about two months previous like in there but what happened eight week process and yeah yeah yeah I was going for the sweet baby

the sweet baby hormone coils nice yes even the choices I had the hormonal coil Did you? How was that for you? Absolutely fine. How was it getting it inserted? Oh, I mean, you have an actual contraction which nobody told me about.

I know. You know what? Like, forget the coil. Maybe they don't even put it in. All you need to do is give me a good contraction and I'm like, I'm never having a baby. I had the one and I was like, that's enough for me forever. Wait, what?

Yeah, you have a placed, I mean, I do the drawlom method so I wouldn't know. Are you sure you're not Irish? And you just pull out and on the tummy. Yeah. Just like God it's crazy. Oh, stop, it's too sexy.

Do they, do they wind it into your womb lining? No. What is that? What was that? Like we're a wine bottle. Wind it into your womb lining. I want to coil, listen. It's like a spring.

Helen, stop. No, no, no. It's not like a spring. Oh my God. Have you met women? This is insane. No. it's a T bar shape.

How can I hate women? My mom's one. It's a T's a T bar. What podcast does this? It's a different podcast, a different video. Triggeringametry. It's a T bar. T bar.

Yeah. For triggered. And you just pop that, you slide it into the uterus, in fact. Yeah. Well, the interesting thing about me getting mine in was that number one, they had a student nursing and my nurse was required to distract you while you were having severe pain. Like, did you have someone talking into your face? No, I just had one Irish doctor. Where'd you get it done here? Yeah. Oh my gosh. But Catherine still insists and I'm

being Irish. My dentist is Irish. My doctor is Irish. Oh my God. And I'm currently in the market for an Irish therapist in London. Anyone's available? I would like one of us. Yeah. Like I do think they would help it. It just helps context wise. It's like how do I have to explain the shame every time exactly exactly like I genuinely I genuinely I've said this before I'll say it again I'm mentally ill and also ex-catholic and sometimes when I get a thought I don't know the difference there you go yeah yeah so true so true yeah you're right and the trouble was all the English people we're all having fun yeah but yes I completely understand so you got the coil and it had a bad effect for you yeah well when I was getting the coil in first

she put this thing in um it's like a what did i call it i keep forgetting the name of it it's like a speculum carjack thing yeah yeah yeah speculum it's carjack for your vagina i only know that because i have the big speculum it's such a good description it is like a carjack for your yeah okay so they opened you up like a tire some roadside assistants yeah she's she's she's digging around in there and well that's happening doesn't sound right i know the the student is are the nurses. The non-student nurses like going, hey, what are you listening to on your phone? And I'm like, well,

I watched the documentary on Trojan Records last night. And it's like, no matter getting a procedure, I'm like, I just want to tell someone I watched the documentary. Amazing. Prussian records? They're like We do not have time. She goes like, I'm from Jamaica myself and I've gone back

to Jamaica before the pandemic and she was talking about different music from Jamaica and I was like, yeah, I was getting this massive pain. And then And I heard this noise that went like this. She's such a beautiful voice actor. Are we getting this, Andrew? Are we getting it?

The foley. And then I heard this sound that was like broken plastic. And you'd ever want to hear that when you're getting the procedure done. What does broken plastic sound like? I know you can do it for us. Like, like, from your vagina. Wow. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then I heard it go, oh, Jesus. And I was like, you don't want to hear that. Where do you have a procedure? And I was like, is everyone okay down there? She said, this has never happened before, but you've broken the speculum. So. Sorry, don't we to laugh at that. How strong is your vagina?

X-Men strong. Wow. I felt like the start of an X-Men film where I was just, like, texting. It bit back. It bit back. Genuinely, like, I feel like if a monster had attacked London, I would just go outside of my trousers down and go, I've got this, guys. We laughed at the withdrawal method earlier, but now who's it sounding good too?

It sounds like Allison couldn't do it if she tried. Who's going to get out? Let me, let me free, let me free. It's like a Venus flytrap of vaginas. I've kept a boyfriend for eight years. He's in there. He's in there. Hey, babe.

Hey, Simon. but um yeah so that was uh yeah and then and then like got it in and i was like oh this is gonna be great and about two weeks later i red downloaded the sims which is like never a good sign no yeah i lost two years of the sims i've never played but i so is it like is that like a fringe the sims thing like like as a mental health signifier it's more like you've just completely given up in any social life entirely like you're like i now live through these people getting a new carpet. Is it like, okay, okay.

Is it, I'm trying to think where my equivalent is. It's like parks and wreck for a 17th time. Really watching something for like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Yeah, and you like, and I knew it was really bad because I was killing all of my sims. Oh my God. Ultimately, I'm giving them really bad lives. Come on.

What were the methods of murder? Swimming pool, take the stairs out. Swimming pool take the stairs out, but there's also like, you can, you can adopt a baby and then you can like just ignore it and a social worker will come in. Yeah. And then you take away. the door. Have you done that? I've never played since.

Accidentally editing. Several times. It feels like... You've killed five Tomogacchis. You're not a good example. You did... You did this on purpose. Well, like, you know, you get curious. I think me and Helen have spoken before. And then you've got to remember to go out and mourn the graves. You've got to mourn the graves. Like the goth family. And death will come. And then you can try and like fuck death. Like, there's...

And just to like... Okay, so like, you're talking about this on stage? Yeah, yeah. But not, but not to that extent. Oh, wow. Wow, wow, wow. From my memory of the gig, she was having a lovely time, doing a lovely chat, and then went,

so I want to kill myself. I know. I know. It went, so. Yeah. People, people,

people don't. Apart from me and the other comics in the back going, ah, ha. People don't love to laugh at that in your face. But I don't love,

do you know what it is? It's like, after I went to a, I went to like a festival. And, uh, I was with another comedian. And we ended up sitting at a table.

with this stranger who then like got into this conversation by the environment and the other comedian that was with they kind of got into a row which culminated in this person telling the comedian would you shoot a polar bear and a comedian's like yes yes I would oh wow okay it was that type of chat and uh but they that type of chat and you're fine with that that type of chat you know those famous famous chats to me like if you're a dog what sort of dog would you be oh we're not a famous chat of like if you had to would you go down to Pearl Barre? No but like moralistic extremism

or like direct moral responsibility. Oh like the train track one. Yeah I think they're like Yeah it sobered me up like straight away. Yeah okay. I want to go home Yes. And it's like and I realized there I was like it's it's what is it? It's strange when you

when you feel suicidal because you're kind of like I'm okay now. I think I am but like I don't feel like doing it right now so we're cool but I felt that person said I feel like killing myself and I was and that changed the whole conversation because then I was like oh fuck well this interaction has to go good between me and you yeah probably the last weight impression is on you wait a second so are you saying that you have been saying your suicidal at gigs because you think it'll mean people do laugh no I think because they don't want it to be on them or you know because I was trying to

come up with this bit because when I rang up the NHS to say like I need this coil out of me. Yeah. They were like give it a bit of time to settle and I was like well I kind of want to kill myself and they were like yeah well maybe a bit of time and I thought I don't have you heard me for this time. Sorry I pulled my trump card please.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Did you see what? I thought this was like you know yeah yeah yeah yeah. Wait so you've got it out of you now though. Oh yeah your man was it was so good and are you okay now yeah yeah yeah yeah okay that's why I'm talking but I was trying to like it wasn't but the problem was I forgot to say that bit at the end of this.

That it's out and that you're okay. That's hard that I'm okay. And also that like I was telling people like suicidal ideations because I wanted to make the point about like, you know, calling up the doctor. Yeah, you definitely did not finish that set. No.

No. But I think it was because I got so spooked by people. I just like, it's not like, I just didn't realize the power of talking about stuff. It's a very hard thing to talk about. I talked about it in my first show. Yeah. And I have tried to talk about it since on stage.

And it's a complicated thing because people don't know how to behave. They don't necessarily want to think about it. They certainly don't want their clowns to admit it. No. If they do, they want an immediate resolution. So they want, like, solve this for us now. True. Yeah.

And they don't know when they're allowed to laugh. And like... Or if they're allowed to laugh. I know. And it's like, it's not their fault. Do you know what I'm going to like... But it's a part of life that should be... discussed that thing as well so it's like it's very tricky like do i just ignore this massive thing

yeah or do i like address it but all we can say is camden comedy club on a Thursday night messing around the perfect place to try it and i think we can all just say thank you to allison we had a great dance after we had a great dance after what an absolute roller coaster of an evening and that was we then danced to bulletproof by la roe coincidence no no no no no and i was just doing this. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Andrew, we will need you to cut that out at the, um, end of the video.

Okay, so please go to patreon.com forward slash trusty hogs. That's where you can find us. Patreon.com forward slash trusty hogs. Even Helen can remember it. You can do it too. And four, three pounds. You get early access to every episode. It's 24 hours in advance you get the episode.

You're ahead of the curve. Why not? Five pounds. You get that plus an extra episode. We're giving you another. podcast for free for five pounds. Okay yeah three pounds isn't the drink five pound is a dream. Yeah like why wouldn't that be your dream? And then 10 pounds you get all of that plus early release um access to the tickets for any live shows we do. I know and 10% off tickets and merch.

Yes please. And we're making merch. Don't think that we're not. 15 pounds gets you a signed poster and all of those things. All of those things and you put something on your wall. I don't mind if we do. All of those for 20 pounds plus a producer credit. I'm sorry. You're now a producer of a podcast. We're saying your name on every episode. Even I'm not a producer. of this podcast. You never will be. Like it's crazy. Plus a mug that says you're a producer. So this. It's just from the podcast I produce. So cute. I know. 50 pounds. Who is 50 pounds a month? I don't know. But if you do like give it to us, please. That would be amazing. But if you did, we would give you all of the above. So 24 hour early access, extra episodes. Early release tickets. 10%

off those tickets for live events. 10% off merch. We'd give you a sign poster. We'd give you an exec producer title and exec and we would make you a personalised video feel like we're giving them our soul for 50 pounds worth them every panty baby Patreon.com forward slash trusty hogs I remembered thank you

now we have a section in this podcast which we have we're so glad you're here for oh great both I don't do are we agony ants Are we gift givers? I think of myself more like a pig sharing knowledge from one of my teeth. Yeah.

So my body resembles like a dog that said eight litters. Like I'm just like I'm hanging. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like from a lot of different places. So like this will be like T3 on the left. Love that. Okay.

Great. Like around that. It's good that we have a very clear choice. And so what we're going to do is sort of suckle on that teeth as it were by which we mean Andrew, our little hoglet, is going to read us an email that we have. sent in from a listener um i mean before we even started the podcast she sent the email which is pretty impressive commitment uh with a problem better health so we yeah this girl needs an answer so let's uh let's hear the problem there andrew yes this is from r i'll just

do the initial kind of keep it mysterious oh i like that oh r this is from r um had a work friend i thought she was an actual friend i'd been to her house for dinner and everything um but she uh tries to treat me like she is a superior, although that is not necessarily true in the actual kind of interactions. She's not actually a superior in work. Yeah. Is this a comedian?

No, no. Okay. Howell, did you write this email about me? I literally identify with R so much already. We're about to start a podcast together, and I don't know. Yeah, R is actually short for Helen Bauer. Very good. Can we just get a double, because we just retrace again

what we've gone over. She had a work friend, which were delineating from actual friends, which I love as a categorization. But she thought she was a real friend, because she'd been to her house for dinner. Yeah. But then this friend, who is in fact just a work friend, which we all know is scum. Talk center. Yeah. Talk center. Okay. And she was sass.

So the person writing this email was sassy in a WhatsApp group. And her potentially ex-friend messaged her saying that her message had a negative impact on her. And R wrote back and said, well, a lot of what you've. said recently has had a negative impact on me and that has been that was the last interaction they've had but obviously they're still working together they still have mutual friends and they would like to know do they just leave it leave it forever and leave it in limbo do they confront it uh kind of wait until they're working together and hope that she they just don't start crying um so any and i hope who doesn't start crying uh the person writing this email

hope that she does herself start crying yes yeah so the question is just to clarify they have both expressed a, like, disappointment or frustration with behavior that the other person has engaged in and interested that it made them feel bad about themselves. Does she now leave it hanging, although they will work together because they share a job? Or does she confront it? That's a much more concise. And thank you for that. It was a wordy email. I just want to check. I just want to check. Helen clearly has a view. Because, you know, women are famously haws and bitches. So if you've got two women trying to get along that's not

going to be a nightmare because it's always going to be button heads that's not the position of this podcast work or be friends not to the position of this podcast

this is why you have more of a guys girl I say this could be solved by a very Madonna has attacked you Madonna hates you Madonna says no Helen

for the benefit of the listener I literally feel that was all of my female friends being like, shut the fuck up! Our portrait of Madonna has just fallen on Helen. And it's on to Helen. It's not a good production value. Oh my God. That's, I can't believe that Blu-Tac fell from the wall

with a very heavy picture. What timing, though? Don, I'm actually freaking out. Madonna disagrees with you. Finish your point. And Alison will carry the Madonna. I was going to say they should just get a bottle of sunflower oil, lube up and then get in a paddling pool and wrestle it out.

it's an option it's an option okay thank you helen I will now hold this last time you guys say your thoughts on the matter Alison did you have a different less maybe maybe a more water based solution or something else I've fallen out with friends a few times where we've had arguments I remember once it was a me and a friend

We're still good friends now. But I feel like we were at different stages in our life. When we met each other, I was very young and naive and they're an adult. Like, but, and like, and they're so lovely to me. And our relationship was always like, I will help you. I'll do this, I'll do that. And then I was like, I'm a big girl now. And we're going to have an argument over canteens and socialism.

And we called each other the worst names of the world. And I ran out and I didn't talk to her for a year. And then we just never addressed it and became friends again because we're two good friends to let that go. That's sweet, yeah. Okay. I don't know if the history of that exists here. Like it feels like they were,

she felt like they were starting to be friends. I think what you're so right, but that that can happen when you have a foundation that's already there. And that those dynamics sometimes need a break to have a shift because it's hard to change in friendships. You need a cliffhanger between seasons. Yeah, I love that. I think my feeling would be that I'm quite an anxious person

and they worry what people think of me and I don't know that the person who wrote the email is but from my perspective if I cared enough and I think you do have to ask this of your question first of all before like do you want to be her friend yeah if you do

then I think the course of action and it's okay if the answer is no if it's no leave it yeah if you and that's an okay thing but if you don't want to leave it and you would like to try from my perspective I'd rather say it and no I tried one more time like overtly I I offered an olive brand.

I offered the space to have that conversation. And then she shoots me down, fine. It's going to be awkward and work either way. So either it can be awkward because you tried or awkward because you didn't. But I think you should first ask yourself, do you actually want to be their friends? That's true because I feel like we get that thing of like particularly like the younger we are. So like I want everyone to get along with me and I want to be friends with everyone.

And then you just get over and you realize. Yeah. Not everyone's going to and that's okay. Because you're also not going to like everyone as well. It's uncomfortable not liking someone. But it happens. But also, I'm starting to realize, like, friendships that used to serve you can no longer serve you. And, like, I'm talking about this in my show, but, like, it's so much more difficult to end a friendship than it is sometimes to, like, end a romantic relationship.

Because we don't have any words for that. But, yeah, I just think, I think, like, it's okay. I don't think we think often enough, do I want to be this person? And I say this as a people pleaser, because literally everyone I meet, I'm like, what can I do for you? How do I get you to like me? I'll be your friend. And it's like, oh, maybe I should check. Do I trust them?

I like them. Are they worthy of my time? So once you've answered that question, then I think it's better to have tried if you wanted to have tried and know you did everything. And if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Also, I think we need to really put an end with that friendship thing. You know, when you meet someone and they're an absolute asshole and then their mates go, honestly, they're really nice when you get to know them. And it's like, I don't want to get to know them. They were an asshole. And they're like, they'll warm up to you. It's like, why do they? No, no, no. They were just a dick. I found like moving countries that you're kind of making a new friendship group. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And like,

I've been on like friendship dates with people that I have been like more into them than they have been reciprocating. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, would you say us going to the London gay men's choir at the Clapton brand, a friendship date? I would, yeah, yeah, yeah, I would consider that. And how would you say it went for you? And you were really good fun. Oh, I would go on like, I would go on another like, you know,

she wants a second friendship date, guys, it's beautiful. Andrew draw a little heart But I feel that you have loads of friends That shouldn't be a consideration I feel sometimes I look at stuff And I'm like, is there space for me In this person's life? But that's redoubt

Are you talking about Catherine, Soneil and Rosie Because that's my friends Heidi I'm all Heidi You go on so many lovely Like friendship trips Like you're You're meant to thought park in two years

But you can be on those Alison. I know, no. It's like your friendships for me is like where I look at a couple who are really in love. Do you know what I mean? I don't think you should you should rule yourself out of place

when people think they do have space for you because you're like, this looks fine as it is. Maybe Helen has an Alison shaped hole in her life. I think, I don't know how I do, but I could get rid of Catherine and get you in because I'm not having too Irish.

Wow. It's like, it's only space so much. And I've got Neil O'Rour. Get rid of Neil. Why do I have to him? He's trying the Irishman. mask energy from the south so he's cork mask i'm southern your friendship group is like downstairs and yeah but dublin's not southern because it's north island it's not north island it's not north island it's

north island i love this dynamic it's it's east do you mean east but what i'm saying is i if you feel that way i can get rid of katherine no that's not a problem i don't think there's any i don't think that's like i don't think that's like okay there's a recreation village and basingstoke called milestone you do it. I've been looking for someone to go and talk seriously with me for a while because apparently it's not worth the travel because it is a train and a bus.

I'm not going to do that. Yeah, you're not going to do it. I know you're not going to do it. You've made that very clear. How would you like to travel back to 1901? Right, let's do it. Let's do it. It's also next to a cinema and a bowling alley.

Oh, so you'll be adjacent to fun, but not having any this is the thing I invite people and then they just laugh and it's like no no no but it's not like

it's so weird being an adult and like and looking at like you don't have the thing of school being a stand of comedian it's easier

yeah yeah okay so Neil once was birthday next year a trip to Lego land I'd do that it's in January

it's gonna be cold yes immediately to that but has never actually answered Basing's token that's true yes now that I would do you have

There's no one was on the milestones with me. It's the, it's the, it's the train all the bus. The bus is opposite the train station. I've been to the Black Country Museum before, which I feel is a very similar vibe. Ah, that one's open air. This one's inside of an aerodrome. That's not making it out. It's hard to see.

This is hard to watch. Okay, here's a new plan. Amy Gladd Hill. Yes. Yes. You moved to London recently and is like trying to like figure out. I've totally tried to bone in on her friendship thing as well. How's it going?

I've got a lift off her once. I really love. Yes. She's the best. I said I'd take it to go see Cleopatra's mummy. Do you want to come? It's in the British Museum. Yeah.

But it's also what they think might be Cleopatra's mummy. Okay. Alison, how do you feel about the British Museum, Alison? Alison. Oh yeah. How do you feel about the British Museum? We put all their potatoes on display instead of letting them eat them. I fucking knows what's happening.

Oh. It was that bad? I don't know. Oh my gosh. They don't have them there. I mean, maybe in the canteen, but it's fine. Wow. Is this the Irish thing, the process of this?

This is genuinely the edgiest podcast I've ever been. This is the edgiest podcast. Andrew, I'm going to need you to put in the corrections corner. A, a delineation between the troubles. on the famine. Yeah. And B, an apology.

So the famine wasn't a trouble then. What am I not understanding? Oh my. I feel like I say things that go is really quiet and I don't know what's happening. Do you know what,

Helen, right? Did I go? Sean Williamson, who plays Barry from East End us. Yes. On your earrings? Yeah.

Yeah. He's doing a thing called Barryoki next week. If you're, it's a Friday, you probably will be working. But I really want to. It's amazing the amount of times

I'm not. I'm really, I know. I know I get really I get really self-conscious where like they're like okay I'm actually gigging that is so annoying that is in Hereford but like that's the type of like your herrifford are you in hereford next Friday shut your whole mouth amazing okay sorry I just canceling on Allison for barrioki so you can hang out with Andrew in front of her because that just seems right I'm happy about that okay okay fine fine so we so the right the British Museum yes yeah yeah you come to basingstoke to milestones with me Yeah, she's giving you the clues. There is no mystery here.

She's leaving batch loaves like behind her. I think the problem is with my friendships, I'm like, let's do this. And it's always a bit too much. Too soon. Like it's never just sort of like, hey, let's go for a coffee. It's always like, right, road trip, pack your bag. Bring a passport. Who knows where it will end up?

I don't know how to do a WhatsApp conversation with a person. Oh, voice notes. That isn't like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I tell you a fair. Helen loves the voicemail. that like thing. Helen loves a voice name. Did she?

Yeah. Do you give my miniature podcast yourself? Yeah. They're long. She also likes to call with video. Wow. Video call. Yeah.

She goes very close to the camera. It's everything you think it would be. I'd take turn volume down. Right. Okay. And then my phone always has to me with my headphones. How did you become friends? Are we friends?

This is the thing. I limped it on to Catherine. Okay. because it was 2016, yeah, we were both entering the BBC New Comedy Award. We were doing the heat in Cardiff and Catherine had been doing stand-up a little bit. I've been doing it a little bit, but I was living in Germany doing it. So I didn't know anyone in the UK scene. So I arrived at the venue and everyone kind of know each other even when you're new.

Do you know what I mean? On the London scene, a lot of them had travelled. She arrived and I was trying to talk to everyone, but I guess it's a competition. They're all nervous. They're in their own zone. And also it was a... And was like, oh, hey, yeah, what's yesterday? Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What's your truth then? And then we did the competition. And then I think we... I do feel like you would say that. What's that? What's that? What's that? And then we were texting, I think.

And then I moved over to the UK and we'd see each other at gigs. And we'd always like, if we sort of do that a gig, we'd sort of naturally... I think we pretty quickly would like like... It was like, I went out. And I was like, oh, this is a good person. And also, and I will say,

yeah, and I think with Helen, it's fair to say that like that room was, yes, full of nervous, anxious energy. But also,

I think we were maybe the only women. That also might be true. So there was just a general, like, like weird vibe in the room. So just some, just a chatter and I was like,

yes, please. And I think naturally at gigs, like if we were both on, usually we'd stay and have a drink afterwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then,

yeah, I don't know. And then I guess we had all that sex and it just sort of, of well I did show you my vagina one she has shown me her full tits and vagina I've only I've only got I've only got brass so far oh you do still time that was in front of a lot of people yeah no we were at a gig and Helen had a date later that night and she was like oh no the date had been moved and she was furious because she'd done a paint-up job yeah and

and like for Helen that means shaving and removing urine from her you don't know you weren't here for the earlier part of the job but she actually um do you ever get urine staying pubs like they sort of like bleach a little bit and get a bit crispy and then me neither that because I was joking when I said it earlier I don't along with this no what so we're talking like frosted tips

like you're you're your funny looks sometimes you just sort of like your hands go really long around you can yeah yeah yeah yeah it gets a little bit dry and crispy like around the peep they just like just color a little bit yeah yeah yeah so we're

so we're just sort of channel about it in general I'm actually a little dicky about it so we're talking like you know we're talking like not washing it yeah we're talking about the bad guy out of she's all that but now I have a shower gel it's called happy hippie and it's from lush okay and this is specifically for you're not supposed to I use it for my whole body

and vagina and so does senile you're not what's supposed to you share a shower gel I don't think you should as ratmates because like I've bought two I've bought two massive vats of conditioner and shampoo and it's going down rapidly

and I know it's my foot and it's alright because I would do that too yeah that's nice can I just flag to the listener that you are not supposed to use heavy duty soaps or indeed I'm most soaps on your actual vagina self-cleaning oven just use some water

some nice water no I wash it I get in trouble I don't watch it I get in trouble you can wash your pubs but I'm talking about your internal organ or you're like to get shampoo all over it. I thought you were going to say it. Shampoo all over it. And I do a really like, for the listener, Helen is mothing.

You know when you got a tea stain mug? And you've got to really wipe around the tea stain. Oh my God. I do that. Have you ever done that when you're like finishing a period? You don't want to waste it on a tampon. Stop it. Helen.

Helen. No, me neither. Me neither. You're foul. For the listener who's not watching this on YouTube, Helen mimed soaping up her fingers. So if you have any problems that you'd like to send us. I don't think this has been a good lesson on women's bodies.

I think that we, you could get this podcast sponsored by like scrub daddy to know the. Yeah. What's that? It's a little scrub that shaped like a little smiley face. And then you use it and the face disintegrates. you're like oh my god and i'm just imagining like i don't know why but i want it yeah i feel like it would be a i want to face to disintegrate down there wow just generally wow thank you so much thank you for being here

allison spittle you've been amazing alison plug your socials come on give it to us they all they all listen to We're a piece of portraiture, really, realistically. Alison Spittle on Instagram, on on Twitter. And I think, when is this coming out? It doesn't matter. 30th of September. Oh, nice. You're our first guest, Alison.

Oh, my God. Yeah. I feel honored. Yeah, it's a big deal. Yeah. No, don't do that. We won't get any more guests. Jesus.

Consent. Consent. May I, I'm sorry. I touched your breath. You're our first guest, Alison. You have your own podcast, which is. Oh, yeah. We have Miss Fortune and the Alison Spittle show.

Yes, amazing. Thank you. Yay! Thank you so much for doing this. Yeah, no matter. I can't believe we talked about suicide ideation, scrub daddy. The coil. Yeah. It's just a fun chat. It is. It's like a casual. Do you feel okay about everything we talked about? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, great, great.

Seriously? Like at the end of pornography, where it's like I fully consent to what we've done. And I'm being done to be serious. The two of you were taking me to an Irish museum or something. Yeah. I think that's for them. I love it. And we could film this. It might be lovely. Apparently it's really done. Thank you.