Trusty Hogs - Ep10. SOPHIE DUKER / Sex Parties, Styes & Socialising

Episode Date: December 2, 2021

Sophie Duker joins Trusty Hogs for its landmark double figures episode! We talk all things advent, dissect driving theory tests, and hear some classic Hogs stories of sex parties, toilet drama, and dating...Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna BautistaPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / SBDubz / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Lee Myerscough / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Kim Dubhghaill / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Caitlyn Lyth / Aideen McQueen Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school deliciously with Whole Foods Market. Wake up with low-priced 365 by Whole Foods Market protein waffles and breakfast burritos. Prep lunch boxes quickly with 365 brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit and more. And look for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken breasts that make meal prep a breeze. Shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market, in store and online. Hey Hogs Hi Hogs How are you doing

Oh are you well Are you having a nice time Welcome to Trusty Hogs Episode 10 Through the fog Step for the Trustee Hogs Yeah You're gonna give them your problems

And they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine And the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs

Or maybe not Yeah, hey, episode 10 I'm proud of us I'm proud of us too Oh my gosh And at the point of recording We are very close to reaching A hundred Patreon supporters

So thank you so Oh my God We were like If we can get to 100 before the end of the year it's going to be amazing, and I think we will. It just makes me feel so validated. Like, who cares my dad's never hugged me? There's going to be a hundred strangers who want to hear more from us.

He want to give you pocket money, yes. It is pocket money. That's how I treat it. Yeah, I mean, we do actually have to pay for the studio. I mean, so far, we haven't received any of the money because of the studio and the production costs are making it, blah, blah, blah, but when we do. But when we start to make some, when we get to 200, but also, do you want to go to Hamleys and do Builder Bear?

We immediately made it bad when actually, yes, we need more, but also in the meantime, thank you so much to the first. 100 are a little OG hogs. We're so... But actually keeping it going. So you should thank them as well. Yeah, your angels. Thank you so much.

We really appreciate it. And then we're going to go build a bear. And I'm going to get a little bear of Andrew. No, that's not... And I'm going to dress it up. And when I squeeze it, it's going to say, can we just wrap this up, guys? Andrew, like...

Sorry, can we stop talking about your personal trauma? I'm really overly tolerant of you if anything. Overly tolerant? Yes, Andrew. Shade. So have there been moments where you feel like you could have said something, but you didn't. Yeah, I just let it roll.

Wow, there's. Roll with the punches. Everything we say is gold. To be fair to Andrew, like we come in here in chat and then Andrew records it, edits it, clips it up, puts out the videos, runs the social media, sorts out the booking, sorts out the booking, sorts out. He loves that. I'm just saying if we went to build a bear, I feel like he'd want us to build him at, like, at least an assistant producer. And that's where your money would go if we But I think having a builder bear of Andrew on the set would be amazing

That would be really sweet Yeah We love having Andrew Cam We love having Andrew over there But having an Andrew one set would be super cute Donate three pounds a month I don't know where I want to put your talk Whether it should be in your tummy or in your hand

You know like bears of different places Where you squeezy for them to talk Maybe a tummy time Where would you squeeze me to Yeah, hand. Probably tummy. Yeah? I'm a tummy person.

But consent-wise, should we go hand? Would you rather I squeezed your hand than your tummy, Andrew? How are you squeezing? Like, Catherine, look at me. Would you rather I squeezed your hand than your tummy? He's telling the truth. Are you, like, pushing into the tummy or? I'd say, like, thumbs in.

Thumbs in. Thumbs in, like hands on the back of your bare spine. What's it going to be, Andrew? What's it going to be? I mean, I'll go for hand, please. That's what I thought. It's best choice. It is best choice.

The first and only time Andrew's ever been referred to as a bear. Yay. Yay. Yes. Come on. Come on. We went to do rose and thorns,

didn't we this week. Yeah, we didn't. We haven't done them in a while. Let's do a rose and a phone. Can we start with my rose? Yeah, of course, we always do. So why change the format now? In fact, what we do every time is I ask you a new answer

and then eventually your answer becomes so long. And clearly over. And yet you see. still haven't said and you Catherine and then I have to be like well my roses so yeah why change the format now don't worry my rose is going to be super quick okay I can

see that Andrew's got a gift for me and it's going to make my week yeah that's for me isn't it? You have a gift? Oh I do can you see it no it's me so on an earlier episode no it's just for Helen but there's a reason there's a reason it's all coming up Bauer because in an earlier episode we agreed to do Christmas presents for each other

so I've got Helen a present But it is, as we will soon discover, an Advent calendar. So I have to get it to Helen very early December. You got Helen an Advent calendar, but you didn't get one for me. No, I've got something different. So I'll give you that near a Christmas. Give me, give me, give me, give me, give me, give me. You think this person won't also expect a Christmas present.

Well, yeah. This is part one, right, Andrew? No, sorry. I realized I've picked the worst person for delayed gratification as a gift. That was, I'm sorry, Helen. I'll come give it to you anyway. Crazy that he. Oh my God, yeah.

Also, you think she's going to stick to. of the days? No. Yeah. Oh, that's not just a gift for Helen. That's also me being fucking nagged. Oh my God. It's a Tony shook a lonely calendar.

It's huge. It's so big. I had to draw that up from Bournemouth. Every single person on every single train was just staring at me. Oh, my God, I love it so much. I'm genuinely... And this is just it, though. This is everything I've got.

That is everything. That is everything. Can I just say that I want to commend you on your growth and personal strength for not having like underlined the second L well done that's not pass out because I used to call it Tony's Chocoloni

so much just if anyone who's new to listen to this Catherine doesn't believe in fair trade anti-slavery chocolate I just got the name wrong if slavery isn't involved in a chocolate she will not have it

I thought that it was I thought it was called Tony's Chocoloni because why would it be called Chocolonely It's just so exciting so some of these I've never even tried the flavors of what flavors dark mill White raspberry popping candy, I've never had that one. I've never had milk, chocolate, almond, honey, nougar.

That's great. I've had that one. Oh, my God. This is going to completely revolutionize chalky porridge for this year. Jockey porridge? You're not going to put that in your porridge. Yeah. There was a really nice chocolate. No, no. Chucky porridge is going to be fucking sick this year.

Helen, quick one. You know you're supposed to open one a day, right? Yes. Okay, just so you know. Yeah, but this is why with chocolate Christmas time, you have to have other chocolates as well. So when you open your Advent calendar, obviously, it's not enough because a bite is a bite

which is not a meal. Do you want to hack? What? Get 24 event calendars, one calendar a day, one window an hour. Oh my God. Thank you. Thank you.

Wow. Wow. Do you want to stop the podcast? For the benefit of the listener, I'm currently getting a standing ovation. It's incredible. Wow. I have never been impressed by anything.

Anyone else has ever said in my entire life. I didn't know. And I've listened to Malala on podcast. But that was insightful. Like genuinely insightful. It surprised me. It thrilled me. It turned me on a bit.

It like it gave me hope. Also the conversation with which you said it. Like here's a little hack for you by 24 calendars. open one an hour. That's right. There's some for during your sleep as well. Well, very useful tip. And Andrew, even though this did feel thorny at one point during the giving of it,

because of the fact that it's just one gift, it is so good. It's still my rose. And it comes such an amazing piece of life advice. Also, I know how expensive it is because I was looking them up. So I know that you spent a lot of money on me, which isn't the most important part of Christmas, but it counts. It does count. And now I'll Google how much it is later to make sure my gift is worth a thing.

But Neil was going to get one for himself. And then he was like, you have to be. pick one, but it has to be from Macardo because it's the only place he could get this. So there was a Barbie one. So hopefully I'll get another one. That's that's day one and day two of December covered. I know. I mean, obviously we're recording this a tiny bit before Advent.

So like this is why it's still appropriate. Yeah. When does this come out Thursday? Second of December. Second of December. So we're fine. We're fine. It's so big.

It's so big. I'm so jealous. I'm so happy for me. But also you know what I mean? Like I'm just basking in my own glory right now. Yeah. It's great. great also I'm just going to say it um the person that I am dating works at Hotel

Chocolat and if I don't have a Hotel Chocolat advent calendar by the time that this comes out you don't have one yet then she will be listening to this from her new home also we need to figure out what we're going to do with this Hotel Chocolat stuff because for anyone who was at our last Giglas live show you know that my house may has had a great idea where he wants to go into our hotel chocolate stuff with a suitcase and have me filming outside and go, oh, I'm sorry, I haven't booked anything, but do you have any rooms?

We think it would be easier to do it if we knew the person working there. I don't think she would appreciate that. Do you not think she'd find it fun? I don't think she would find it fun. It could go viral. I don't. Oh, then she'd hate it.

She would hate that. No, no, no, no, no. Well, thank you so much for making my rose and for being my rose, Andrew. Thank you. Now let's hear Catherine. Welcome. him. Well, you know what? It's the closest thing to a question I'm getting else. I'll take it. My rose, this week, now that I realize, I think people will know from the internet that it wasn't this week, but I've never mentioned it on the podcast and I do want to talk about it because I'm very proud of myself.

There was a lot going on that week. I passed my driving theory test. It's time we discussed this. I feel like the trauma of you failing it so many times is enough in the past that we can discuss it because it's like you're 33. I know. And you failed. Several things on this. First of all, I don't want any shit from anyone who took the old test because it did get harder. Oh no, send a shit. Just don't tag her. It's easy.

It got harder, right? Okay. Well, it did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Second of all, the first time I failed, I get it. I didn't study. I just thought I could guess. Oh, my goodness.

It's actually arrogant. Wow. But I told you this before. I thought I could drive when I first went to a job. I know. Yeah, your confidence is off with your abilities. Yeah. Did you not even do like a test?

test. Andrew, I could not believe I can't drive. Catherine was that kid that goes to one gymnastics class as a somersault and goes, I guess I should just do the Olympics. No, I'm that kid who thinks she should go to the Olympics, goes to one class and can't even do a somersault. Even

what? I was like, 100% sure I could drive and then I got in this driver's like, Instructuring's car and was like, this is crazy, I can't drive one. So talk us through these tests. You didn't study for the first one. I didn't study and I fail. Not by much, but I fail both the...

Fails, a fail, sweetheart. Okay, thank you, Helen. Oh, it is. You have to get 43 out of 50 on the written on the questions section and you have to get 48 out of 75, I think, for

hazard perception. So, first when I fail, first one I fail both by a little. How do they do hazard perception? Does the examiner throw a pencil at you? You've got to catch a.

No, Helen, it is... No, it's all fingerwork. So you have to just Click, click, click when you see it developing hazards. You can see like a CGI. It's like a CGI rendering. Yeah, it is CGI. There's 14 of them, 14 videos. Anyway, how do I know this?

Because I've taken the test so many times. So I failed that test. And then lockdown happens. And I've, I tweeted it. You know, I did this really big thing for me, which is like, when I failed it, I, like, wanted to die, despite not having prepared in any way. And I was like, I'm going to tweet about it. It'll be funny.

And then everyone else will tell me that they also failed. And it was like a mixed bag of people being like, oh, I failed too. but none of those people spelled it right and then the other people I fooled I fooled two I'm joking we're just say yeah two with the number

and you're like yeah my people and then a bunch of other people were just being like why don't you just read the book so like okay well thanks so those are the two categories

then after lockdown a week before this test I passed oh my gosh she's so pissed on I took a second test and I didn't tweet about it because I failed again as you can tell from the fact that there's

a third test in this story and this time I failed not on the question section because that's right I take failure badly so I study this time I studied and you still fucked out of 50 Oh that's good

Hazard perception I had not figured out but what I had read in both books was that they can tell patterns and they can mark them as cheating so your entire score is discounted. So

I clicked when I saw a hazard. Turns out you're meant to click when you see a potential hazard when that hazard develops and when you as a driver would change your behavior. So I didn't click enough right? Because I don't want to do like I don't want to be caught out as a cheat.

Okay your paranoia is insane. I know. So then I fail on hazard perception, 44 and instead of 48, 49 out of 15. They're not gonna catch you for cheating when you're not cheating. Helen, I just wanted to be careful. I cheated on all my GCSE,

why didn't get caught? No, Helen, what? Just look at the person next to you, paper. You got a really good mark? I had fine. What? My copying wasn't that good either. My academia and my copying both left a lot to be desired.

Anyway, I immediately go home and I'm fuming because I've passed the test in my mind. I've passed it. But you didn't, you failed. But I passed it, right? But in reality. I'm like, what's the literal fuck? You failed. So I re-book immediately. Twice this point. I'll say it again, Helen. Go on.

Failed. Immediately for the next Thursday. Something like 17-year-olds do every day. Oh my God. Well, they don't have anything else on, Helen. They don't have bills to pay. They don't have a life. They don't have any job. Trouble into personal relationships. Get into grips with their new boobs.

They know four people. Oh my God. And I'm still getting to grips with my new Come on, give me a break. Anyway, I book immediately because I was like, I can't let this failure. I wanted to be like, I'm never doing it again. And also, I'd already planned to throw away my learning materials that day.

It was going to be like very, like, calming for me. A therapeutic, but it didn't work out that way. So I had to keep the books for five more days. Yeah, I know. And then I got, I wasn't obviously going to just throw them in any bin. And then I bloody well went back and did the test again. And then on my way to the test, I found this podcast

Nobody tells me about the podcast beforehand There's a podcast for advice on the theory test There's a podcast for everything Well no one told me I thought it was just for sad women Who didn't have any friends Anyway I'm going there and I find this podcast

And it says click three times Click when you see it when it develops When this is so boring Point is Smashed it That was the most thorny rose I think I have ever heard In my fucking last

I passed. Congratulations. I was thrilled. And the guy next to me had passed, and I knew this because he was taking a picture of his role, so no one takes a picture of a fail. Trust me. Trust me. I know.

And I got to do that thing that I've seen other people do at the test center where they're like, you pass? And he was like, yeah. And I was like, same. And he was like, good job. And I was like, you too. And then somebody else just walked by. And I was like, ha.

I was you two weeks, one week ago. Fuck. If you open the past, I know, was failed. I think it did at seven. times failed it was Bobby Maher because he kept him falling asleep during the time. Like he had to keep going back

because when he gets stressed he falls asleep. But he's also very warm in there. So he kept on going into the test and then falling asleep and then being like times up and he's like oh god gosh darn it. And I love Bobby. Amazing comedian going on tour, buy

tickets. Wow. And it's just that you're just so different. It's just so pleasing that, like, anyone can fail. Anyone can fail that shit, my friend. But you still haven't passed. Like, you have to do the driving now, right? Yeah, I've passed the theory test. I did say it wasn't like I can drive.

Oh, my God. It's just rude. It's like, I know, yeah, I know. So, like, you're like halfway there. No, not even. What's the speed limit on a motorway? 70. In Germany.

Wrong. See, it's fun. What is it in German? I don't think that is. There's not. speed limit on the... I think there's the autobahn, yeah,

there's no speed limit. No speed limit. Oh, trick question. Just go. Just go, go, go. Los Gits! Oh my God. Well, anyway,

I've passed that obstacle and provided I learn how to drive practically in the next two years, I'll never have to take that test again. Oh, you'll do it in two years? I thought it lapses before that. Two years.

Oh, really? Andrew. I suppose you would know. Andrew. There ain't a question I don't know the answer to on that bloody test. What does this sign mean? No, stopping.

No. stopping. Yeah. See, she's good. I didn't know. I don't know. I don't drive. But still,

that was very impressive. It would be in a blue background with a red circle around. Well, I feel like your rose was so upbeat. Thank you so much. I actually am really proud of myself.

The reason I'm proud of myself is not, is not for passing the test. Obviously, apparently that's easy. What I'm proud of myself for is persisting despite not wanting to identify as a failure. Persisting despite the fact that you failed.

Twice? Yes. Yeah. Helen. Thank you. you Helen. You failed. Just say it. I failed. I failed. We don't go up with this. I failed twice. I failed twice. My name's Catherine Bohart and I fucked it. My name's Catherine Boehart and I fucked it. That was amazing. Please stand by that for me. And now. Your eyes twitching Catherine. Why I twitch? Why I twitch? Now I have passed and I will forget it ever

happened proud of you I will then now go and do the test and prove how easy it is how much does the cost through the test 23 quits absolutely not okay absolutely no way no way well at the fucking practical cost like 66 I just I just booked it for May because

you can't get a booking till then also as if I can drive before May but hopefully I will be able to 66 pounds do a test that I'm certainly going to fail certainly it's a fucking racket it's an absolutely honestly just give them to kids give them a driver license as a kid

they'll figure it out free free driver's license for all free health care and free licenses I would say that some people that have passed their test shouldn't be driving so that's a very bad policy okay I take it back no licenses for anyone just do what they do in the States and make a part of their like school curriculum yeah is it part of it there like you can take the you can take driving lessons basically as part of your every team drama talks about driver's ed yeah driver's ed but I thought that was like cycling proficiency like it wasn't like the qualification it was like just that you have to go take a test of it's a way of putting

it on the curriculum that's very smart I think I mean you don't have idiots like me who are now learning to drive and also who like where am I even gonna go like I have no sense of direction you're gonna go to gigs to gigs but I won't be car sharing you can drive me to like the fun fair to the theme parks to carnivals all the things I fucking love do you live in the the u-les do you have to have low emissions Is you? Do you, lad? That's homophobic.

Wow. I don't know if it ends. Wow. You date a couple of women and then people are like, oh, but you live here. You date a lot of women. This is in San Francisco, okay? We're allowed to live on whatever street we want to.

And I can live on whatever street I want to, thank you. Wow. What is the U-Laz? Wow. The ultra-lower mission zone. No, isn't that like the late districts? No, no, no. It's in Central Central London.

you have to, if your car emit. They've got pollution in central London. Have we never seen the like elderly couples on the daily mail that are like, if we turn left out of our drive way, we need to pay 12 pounds 50. Every time we turn left

because we only turn right because we're right wing. I don't read the daily mail. It comes up on social media. Not on mine. Mine's just adverts. Bullshit. Like mainly spot stuff at the moment. Yeah. A lot of like spot patches and stuff like that. Yeah. They're quite fun

actually. I fell for it. I fell for it. I fell for it. Is this knowing that we have to have like fucking acne in our 30s? What is that about? There should be somewhere all again. Who said acne? I do. Spots.

Spots. A lot of spots. Oh my God. Talking about spots. I got a stye in my eye. Is this your thorn? Yeah. I was like,

Helen's going to tell a story about herself. So I guess it's a thorn. Well, I first was quite excited back. So I've only had one stye before in my life. And I remember quite enjoying it. What? So like,

because it's like, the last story I had was on a top eyelid. And it was during summer so I could wear sunglasses and just take it for effect from like attention from people and be like look well i've got a growth on my eye so it is an oil gland infection is what a sty is that's not a growth in your eye i didn't have to go to the doctor or anything like that because i was gigging with a comedian slash doctor and they diagnosed it backstage for me okay two things one are you saying it's like a greasy eye apparently that is

what it technically is. An eye stye is an eye stye. Eyes die with my with my stye. It's an oil gland infection. It's gone basically now. It's really can you see how well it's done. I can see it. What causes it? I wouldn't say it's gone. Well, I've heard a mixture of things.

Party line from me is that Soneil Patel Patel has been flicking me on my lower eyelid repeatedly for weeks. What? And now it's broken. Because it's a fun story. No, he hasn't touched me. There was a resentment in that.

It's a good chance that someone who shall remain nameless forgot to remove makeup. Oh. Someone who shall remain nameless forgot to remove their own makeup. So I got a sty, but it was quite good timing because I got that. And then I was wearing my Princess Diana jumper so I could be Princess Stey. So it worked out quite well in the end. That's disgusting. Princess Diana.

Did you at one point have more than one? Stye? No. And second question, who was the... Sorry, just the photo was maybe on forgiving. The second question was... It was here.

It was really annoying because I had to hurt a bit. Oh, second question. And then someone was like, got ahead and I was like, oh no. But I really wanted to pop because I thought, because last night had a sty,

I put some medicine on it and I woke up my eyes like crusted over with all the oozing coming out of it overnight. And I haven't had that with this one. It's just sort of like... It's just sort of been there and now it's just going down.

But I have annoyed. And the good thing is I didn't have to go to my doctor about it because you know, my doctor, I don't think they want me to live because, like, every time I go to the doctor, I just feel like I'm just not on the booster list, you know? I think, like, what? I just feel like my doctor just thinks that like, I've just, there's always something weird wrong with me

and they're always like, how did that happen? And I'm like, I don't know. There is always something weird with you. With the spider bite and my tit that we thought was tick cancer and they were like, that's just the spider. And I was like, oh. And then like, then I got a face fungus because I was breathing so heavily.

into my face mouth when I got excited that I got like yeah and then the rashes yeah like we go through a lot of different things yeah and the thrush yeah and the thrush yeah so like I just I feel like like Andrew please this is medical stuff this is health conditions this is health condition this is health condition yeah so every time I go to the doctor they're always like oh how did you get a spider about your tit and I don't know I put it there like it's so there's America's not someone to photo shoot you know with the spiders and I just thought that'll be they're on their face it's not on It doesn't matter. Don't act like I don't watch that.

It doesn't matter. And then basically, I had to get it diagnosed other doctors. Because when I go to the doctors, they're like, how are you still alive? I didn't want to be like, oh, and now I've got an oil gland infection. They'll be like, oh, like, just cross her off. She's not getting any vaccines. Yeah. She'll just die anyway.

Like a waste of a vaccine. Interesting. I feel like a weight of a vaccine. That's how I feel they feel like I am. Hey. That's how I know. Hey, no. That's how I know.

Hey, no. That's such a 2021 like self-putdown. I'm a waste of a. vaccine. They're going to get a speculum. I'm like, honestly, bigger size. And they're like, this is the big one. I was like, no, the big one. Like, everything is just, it's just, we're just struggling, we're just not clicking with each other.

It's, it's a big cunt. Okay. And then with that and the thrash and then the face fungus and the spider buy and the now the oil gland infection. I got you. It's just, it's your thorn, Catherine. No, but I was going to ask, who is?

Also, I know the oil gland infections is not removing makeup. It's because I was having a wank and I forgot and I rubbed my eye. Oh, no, Helen! And you can't lie to a doctor. That's one of the rules, isn't it? Don't lie to your teacher. Don't lie to the doctor.

Everyone lies to the doctor. I never lie to doctor. I never lie to doctor. And then I'm just sort of like, oh, like I can't go in. I told you about this when you said that you didn't change your sheets enough and I was like, well, I'll bet you're, but you wank so much

and you're probably wiping your hands on it and you were like, yeah. I told you you have to wash your hands or change your sheets or both. But it was one of those wanks. You know when you're like going to bed, wanking, and then you stop for whatever reason? I don't want to know, don't want to know.

What I do want to know is who was the backstage doctor comedian who diagnosed? Yeah, I was wondering that. Cuame. Poor Kwame. He was very generous with it. He was like, that's the stye. It's all good. And I was like, oh man, did I get it from calm?

And he was like, no, it's probably just makeup. And I was like, yeah, makeup, good. That's my party life now. But it was quite good because then I got to be Princess Diana and my friend's baby shower. So that was really, really fun. Because everyone had gifts for the baby, and I was like, I have brought baby a stye. Wow, that's beautiful. Frankencence, mure or a stye.

She loved it. Gorgeous. Yeah, happy baby shower. Happy baby shower. It tells Auntie Helen. My son is either this happening to me or having to sit here with this chocolate that you're not sharing. I can't share it. Because otherwise I'll be a day behind on chalky porridge.

It just feels rude. so I guess it's also the fact that Andrew didn't think to me. Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't anticipate this. Why are you buying Catherine for Christmas? I don't realize. You can just tell me. No, I won't. Text me now.

No, Helen. I already have both of your gifts. I've done nothing. I have nothing for either of you. No, mine. Oh, my goodness. All right, so those are our thoughts again. Wait, have you done both of us, have you done Catherine's gift as well?

Mm-hmm. Have you not done your Christmas shopping by now, Helen? What the fuck? This is crazy I've got like a week I've got all my Christmas shopping obviously but yeah I've got you guys is I've got everyone

and my gift wrapping That's true like on October though wasn't it Yeah I only did my gift wrapping in November Oh sorry sorry like the same person Yeah I bought my wrapping paper because I went to have a coffee the other day And then afterwards

Oh actually it was a bit of a nightmare I went for a coffee with Do you know Soneil and Red Richardson I'm aware of them Lovely boys Went for a coffee with them. I cannot agree. Had a pinini.

Very exciting. Ooh, exotic. So weeks that morning I went, oh, I really fancy a panini. We went somewhere with paninis and I freaked out. I was like, it was meant to be in telling the waitress, and she was like, what? And I was like, just...

My local coffee shop is run by a woman called Timmy, and she's Hungarian, and she runs an Italian deli, and the paninis are incredible. Fucking love a panini. Yeah, it's so good. But we went for a coffee, and then I was like, oh, I need to buy a card for my friend's baby shower, so I nipped into the Nunhead Gardner to get a card.

Because they do nice cards than the Nunhead Gardner. No, it's a garden shop. And then obviously freaked out started buying Christmas decorations because I was like, they had a pig like a felt pig and I was like Yes, please. It's so cute. It's so cute.

And then I walk past one of those, you know those nonsense shops? We call them this and that shops. I think it's because there's one in our time called this and that which is like they just sell everything like bins, baskets, brooms, electrical goods, like just everything. Oh, can you definitely get a dream catcher there? 100%.

Yeah, I know. I know what we mean, yeah. And they had a deal on for like really big tinsel for like three big ones of five pounds. And I was like, I've got to get it. No, you know. Why what's wrong with tinsle? On a Christmas tree.

Yeah. Oh, God, that's hideous. It is a bit trashy. That's hideous. No tat. Wait, are you serious? No tat. Are you?

Wait, are you a, are you a, wait, are the fuck do you to make these rules to shame me on podcast? I do ribbon. I do ribbon. I do ribbons. I do ribbons. I do ribbons. What do you do, Andrew Beans?

You put beans around it. I'm pissed off. I'm like, no, don't take it on the chocolate. Question, are you, do you? Are you a multi-coloured lights person? Huh? Are you a multi-coloured Christmas tree lights? I like colours, yeah.

Do you have like the red and green and yellow bulbs? The lights. Oh, I wish. No, I've just got like a gold one, I think, at the moment. Okay, good. Single, single colour. Ideally, I'll get colourful soon, yeah. Oh, no, no.

Then I've got some Disneyland decorations from when I went. and then I've got the pig one and then I bought that but then basically because I kept them going into an extra shop because I kept them seeing deals I used to get eye cream for my stye the colour scheme is colour

I've got some gold tinsel I've got some pink tinsel I got some green tinsel I've got like gold decorations blue decor-decker I got I use the kind of person who gets one of those like snow effect trees I wish

oh my god make it stuff Andrew I wish no I've just got I've got a lovely plastic seven footer. What color is it? Green. Oh, thank God. Why? I don't know what I've done.

Jesus. And guess what's going to go on the top of it? A picture of my vulva. No, it's not. That'll be amazing though. And that's the only thing you've said so far that I would support. Like, a sweet angel. My sweet vulva angel.

My sweet angel. But then I kept on like going into more shops because I kept them seeing more deals and wanting more Christmas stuff. By the time I'd finished shopping, I was so desperate to piss. I was like on the verge of pissing myself. It's like a 15 minute walk home. And then I ran into my friend Eddie and he was like, oh, I'd be a Christmas shopping. I'm like, I'm going to piss, I'm going to piss.

But we'd already stop to say hello. So you know when you stop, right, you know when you need to piss? When you get a stride on, you're okay because you're like keeping it in from momentum. Also, I count then. Do you count? Yeah. Oh, I get really obsessive. Yeah, I count to 10, can't 10.

So I stopped and I was like, had my legs twisted. I was talking to him. I was like, look, I'm going to level with you. I'm like one cough away from losing everything. and he was like, oh, so then I had to find a way to uncurl my legs and get my stride back on, but I was wearing like these jeans, they're light, so I didn't want to, like, if I piss, we know I've pissed. And then it was like, school was coming out.

So then they were all walking towards me, and I'm like, with my tinsel, like, oh. Your issue with the jeans is that somebody would be able to see that you'd piss. I'm happy to piss myself as long as no one knows. And then, like, got to my front door, but then you've got to stop to get the key in, and I was like, ah! And then, like, just made up the toilet in time, but like it was like new like new pants do you know what i mean hello hello like new pants because they were like like not damp but like we we'd like something had happened i wish we could

bring the atmosphere back up but we do have to introduce our lovely guests now not on that no i think we might please welcome the amazing sophie juker Sophie Junker, everybody. Good Lord. I thought it was a good story. Catherine, the rumors have it, that you're going on tour. The rumors are correct. It's just on my face.

Wow, that rumor mill is really getting kingy. One second, one second, one second. Hey, Catherine. Hey, Catherine, Mary, Joseph Bohart. Tell us about your tour. love to thank you helen i am going on tour in the new year the tour show is called this isn't for you but i would absolutely love everyone to come please you i'm going to lester i'm going to be in soho theatre for two weeks that's when i'm going to come i'm thinking either london soho theatre i am feeling a bit

of cork because i've never been come to cork i'm also going to cambridge i'm going to crawley i'm going to Oldershot, Dublin. Oh my God, Oldershot is like next to where I grew up. I'm coming Oldershire. Come there. I'm not fun of Oldership. It's called Oldership.

No. I'm going to Oxford, Corsham, Birmingham. I'm going to Bath, Brighton, Bristol, Leeds, Sheffield, Liverpool, Northampton, Nottingham and Newcastle. Which one are you most excited for? Just tell me. I'm actually really excited. I'm also going to Glasgow and Edinburgh, which I always love doing.

And I'm also going back to Salford. I did the Lowry on my last tour and I loved it. I'll be at all of this. But I'm excited for all of it. all of the tour dates please come there are so many tickets left on sale well it's only just gone on sale but seriously book in advance book in advance it's katherine bowhart dot com and i am i'll be oh yeah i'll be wherever you are or near you i will be at the soho theatre and i think i might chuck in a newcastle as well i'm holding you to it i'm holding

you to it please come i would love to be there i think it's my best show or going to be my best show i mean it better be it better be if otherwise you're just getting worse which is like that's not a good option is it like if you're not getting better you're getting worse please come to my tour show this isn't for you Catherine bowhart.com I would really love to you talk about America's next top model

in that? I can good all on the end we've just heard this horrible story from Helen in the podcast about her wedding almost wedding herself because she needs to change her pants because that's how close to it she got

so that's the intro for you just so you know I'm just going to start then Andrew are you recording I would like to to start then by saying, have you ever like just made it the toilet but still changed your knickers because the bit came out? Sophie?

Sophie? Honestly. But you know when you're like on the verge of pissing yourself, but you technically don't and you make it to the pot in time? But let's say the pot, the famous Nicki Minaj lyric, if you ain't shit and then get off the pot. It's a lovely lyric. I love that you think Nikki Minaj came up with that phrase

but the other thing that I love about it is like is that it sounds like you're going to pee in a walk the way you say it. Okay, I made it to the toilet in time, but I still changed my knickers despite the fact I hadn't wet myself because there was still an element of moisture. Pre-piss.

Pre-piss, pre-piss spray. Maybe that's what it was. Yeah, I think it's a pretty, yeah. Maybe it was like vaj sweat from the stress of holding it in. Hello? Hello? Hi, so I actually haven't wet myself.

I used to wet myself quite a lot. Wetting yourself isn't that uncommon. Were you three to four? No, I think when I was a teenager. I used to wet myself. Were you drunk? I used to wet myself whenever. Like, I used to piss myself laughing.

I think maybe I didn't have very strong. I've got a very weak ladder as well. Pelvic floor? Pelvic floor, yeah. I actually was looking up the kegles. Yeah, I was looking, I looked those up. I remember on the early internet to be like, how the fuck could this like stop happening?

Right. So I'd be like, yeah, I used to genuinely piss myself. I'd only just be on like a little bit. I'd be like for Trina funny. How many teens you gave birth to like four children? That doesn't make any sense. No, but it's not like a full pissing of self. It's just like, I've heard it before when I've had a cough or I'm sneezing.

If I sneeze too much, I piss myself a bit. If you both got children, I don't know about. I think it's just a thing of like some, I think maybe I'm just so relaxed in that area. I think it's a thing of like remembering to put the lid on. So like the lid is left open and then you start laughing because you're watching a hilarious offensive piece of naughty's comedy. That's a, wow. And then you're just like, whoa.

And then you're like, okay, I need to. That's crazy because I must have like three little. on then because I have... But you do naturally. You're a liddy person. That's what I was going to say is I have I've got to go. I've been referred to my GP to a pelvic physio

because my pelvis is very uptight which I think seems consistent. Have you ever pissed yourself? Yeah I know. No. I often cannot wee even when I need to we Oh, so, yeah, my flatmate, I've got several, so this is not revealing. My flatmate went to a sex party and there was a toilet.

I immediately know which housemate. Yeah, yeah, I know. Sorry. So my housemate went to a sex party and there there was like a toilet. It was like an all like female non-binary sex party but the toilet was a man. And she, like you could. The toilet was a man? Yeah, so you could go up and use the human toilet.

Wait, wait, wait. So you pissed onto a man? You pissed onto a man. Was there a regular toilet option? There was also a regular toilet option? It's nice to have the option. And for the other lady? And for the uptight legs.

And for, okay. Yeah. Okay, I'm just processing what you're saying. So that was his fun night out. That was his fun night out. That was his fun night out was saying. Can I be done with this story? Just number ones?

Just number ones, I think. Because otherwise they were like, otherwise it smells really bad. But she went up. It's pissed notoriously smells. Fine. What? It can do.

Okay, so she went up to use the toilet. She went up to use the toilet, but she got pee shy and she couldn't do it. So then she had to be like, I'm so sorry, I can't piss on you and just sort of like shuffle off. That happens. Every five minutes, if you're listening carefully enough, you can hear someone trying to piss at a sex party and not being able to do it. It is a pandemic in itself. It's horrendous. And people don't talk about it.

And I'm so glad you've opened the conversation. I mean, I've outed her as being pay shy at a sex party. Is that worse than outing her as a person? person who's like an pee enthusiast at a sex party? I don't think she's not particularly into piss stuff. Otherwise she'd been like, you know. No shame, but like, if there were to be shame. Can you finish shame?

Catherine is struggling to not kink shame, but also deal with her own qualms with it. You're just like, I don't think you're in a bland mind right now. Let me be clear. Let me be clear. My issue is not pissing on a sexual partner. I think my issue is the cumulative health worries. Yeah. of multiple persons he probably dead old himself in between pisses

I don't think he did death old bath just the wipes I don't think he did though I don't think he did He didn't And it would cause quite a cue Forming I think yeah I think I

Okay I don't know but I see maybe it's like a A drain Waterfall shower so like there's a There's like it drained through the floor I pictured him on top of the drain Or maybe a really insorbid mattress I didn't ask that many Absorbid mattresses

Like a big sanitary pads Maybe it's like a sand pit. A sand pit's good to piss into. Is that good for him? If you're into being absorbed? I don't think he's not enthusiastic about this. I think it's up to the human toilet's choice, what their base will be. Does the human toilet ever give a name?

Oh, his name is toilet. No, but that's not his name. But for the sake of the nine. I think for the night he doesn't... What if he's like, I want to be called Greg, my actual name. And they're like, your name is toilet. So if he's like, Your name is toilet.

I think their name is toilet. I think the piece shing, I do. I'm someone who, when I'm drunk, I will piss on the street between cars. Like, if I'm desperate to go, I'll go. But when you're, like, chatting with someone, I can feel that pee shy moment. It is hard.

Why are you chatting with anyone when you need to pee? But you know, when you go to the toilet with someone, you're chatting? And it's like, I need to be a slight pause and conversation. I must have been in the toilets with you. No? Sophie. You play music.

Sophie. I do not want to go to the toilet. with you. I don't want you to come to the toilet with me. If we're in the toilet stalls together, which frankly isn't of itself insufficient. We've had it a couple of times. I will play music. I don't want to hear you pee. I don't want you to hear me pee. I can barely pee as it is.

I'm actually going to the doctor, but I can barely pee as it is. I can't then. She played Britney Toxic once. Also like the idea of I just don't I just, for me there's there are spaces that are private times. Okay. I get that. Whereas I'm happy to share the experience

in general. Can I share one more weird P behavior? Yes! I feel bad for sharing my flatmate's trees. Can we just talk about how Sophie did not flag toilet man as a weird pee story. So I can only say, trigger warning. Go on.

No, this one is about me. I own this story. This one's about me. I'm not going out my flatmate or anyone she may or may not have peed on. So I don't like hearing, I don't like going and hearing other people like go to the toilet. I get that. I was at a gig last night in the male comedian pissed in the backstage toilet, but with the door open.

No. Like it was around the corner but it was like close the door. Like it's just me in the green room. Which venue is this? I will,

oh it was at BBC White House was called White House. Oh, she fancy. Yeah. Yeah, but still watching a Melchmedian person. This is not a dramatic story. It's just a technique. Oh, yeah.

So I feel like if I can't hear them, they can't hear me. So if there's like, if you can't wait for people to be out of the toilet or like go when people aren't in the toilet then you just like cover your ear. is, do you ever do that? Like, if you've ever had, like...

No, because that's like a four-year-old playing hide-and-seek being like... You think if they can't... If you can't hear them, I can't... Yeah, so you don't have to listen to, like, say you've got a really bad, like, stomach thing. I think something rational, like, so I play music or so I talk or I play the... I put the hand dryer on. You're like, no, I just pretend that sound doesn't travel. Or you know, when you put a toilet roll on the ball, so you're pissing onto the toilet roll?

Yeah, I have also done that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I also... That, that... You're a fucking idiot! Yeah, that's not. It's not logical though. Yeah, I know, but sometimes you can't make it not sound like anything and you have to go.

I think give it a go. I think she's offering you like an option here and it's worth trying. I think all good friends put the hand dryer on. I agree with that. I think all good friends run the tap. Run the town. We'll just walk out. All good friends leave.

All good friends keep the chat going. Oh, wait. You're outside. Done. Easy. Mate. Like, it's just like, no, that's not. That's a hostile environment.

I once pissed in front of my dad was making eye contact with him. I feel like I've told this in the podcast before. You were a child, he was in the band. Yeah. But on the floor, like I wasn't using the toilet. And his name's toilet. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, makes sense. Oh my gosh, Sophie, went away in.

Oh, no, is that Sophie's more of a pisser and you're less of a pisser? No, but this was before I don't think. You're still a pisser. You're still a pisser. You're still a pisser. I still get close every like couple of weeks. I need to get a checked out, guys. I'm not necessarily coming from a place of superiority.

It's a real issue. I always feel like I have to be. I think we could all learn from each other's urethas. You know what I mean? Like my urethro would be better for getting to know your guys's urethra's. Like, and I would love it if we could get the gals together for an afternoon just to share some stories,

share some truths, share some UTIs, you know? No, thank you. It'd be so cute. They could like make out, get UTIs, they can hangs, go on beambags. Andrew Helper's out in a situation. I don't know. solve their problem, because I'm ready to do it.

Before that, can we just quickly check in, Sophie, are you still consenting to be on this podcast? Yeah, I've been so deep now. She's having a lovely time. I just need to pee. I'll be back in the thing. I get it. Oh, Helen just doesn't hear.

It's fine. You're toxic, I'm slipping in my head. That's the last one you played. It's fresh in my head. I just wanted you to feel comfortable. I always like when we have a chat, like something like this. This is the first time the chat has gone. this way and I'm not blaming you but like it's you took it there and then we solve someone's

problem it just highlights the fact that we should not be handing out advice to anyone I think the tone of the podcast is at least self-aware that we are the worst agony ants to request help from in the same way that like during lockdown I could see into my therapist house and it was like you cannot have the same face that they can help you at the point at which you can see their Christmas tree is up in March so let's do it that's not a happy one let's do it let's do it let's solve a problem. Have I already said that on this podcast, Andrew? Oh, for sure. With episode 10, we're just repeating ourselves at this point. Have I said that

before? Because if I have, that's tragic. You have? Cut it out. I'm sorry, you're going to troll through 18 hours of podcast. Have you listened to it already? I mean, oh yeah, I listened to it. Loes of it. I edit it all. Yeah, well then don't you already know? Don't you remember everything I say? Oh, wow. I can tell you that you, we have told that story before.

Okay, well, whatever. Fine. It's a good story. I like it. Okay. Half cut. Okay, Andrew, let's have this problem. Yes, so this is a, the person, this is E, this is from E. Hi E. Hi E. And they carry it, this is probably more for Catherine and indeed Sophie actually. So Helen, you just have to put yourselves in their shoes, brackets, dog Martins, because it's all about queer dating.

Ooh. I'm on break, baby. Have a good rest of the podcast. Thanks so much. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter. Kevin B, B, A, B, A, you are. You can hypothesize. I can, I can.

But don't take up too much space. Don't move in with each other. If it's a lesbian thing, just don't move in with each other. That's all I have. Just stop it. Also, you love a sensible, comfortable shoe, which is what this person has said they're coming from. So let's just like place yourself on the DMs. I have DMs.

I like to be comfortable. Right? I just think stop fucking moving in with each other so quickly. Also, it's trauma bonding. It's not love. Come on, gals. Wow, wow Wow

That was a too Do you Oh no I'm just gonna Oh Is that my bad I mean Yeah

I'm a little bit I think that's Oh no Sophie Sophie Sophie On the Oh no

I mean Okay E Come on Let me give Let me have a go Okay I don't think

you should Have a go I think you should maybe Let us deal with that. Thank you. Okay, I will be here if I'm needed.

You're not needed. Okay. Wow. I'm right, baby. Wow. So. Go on. Andrew? E, I'm a 22-year-old queer woman living at home with my dad in North London.

I've never really taken much of an interest in relationships or dating or even casual hookups, but I've just graduated. And I think this is a point in my life. Well, while not all of the above, will be good for me. How do I go about meeting other queer people in London? I'm by no means a shy person, but I'm definitely anxious when it comes to starting something new or meeting new people, especially with romantic or sexual intentions.

I don't know where to start. Do I go to bars? Do I use dating apps? What's a good but low stakes first date? Please help. Oh, my gosh. Well, let me start by, I can talk. How would you be?

How would you be the first for queer online dating? Okay. There's a lot to break down here. Can we start even before that? Yeah, of course. be like, hey, hi. Hi, E. Hi, E. It's cool that you know this about yourself.

Yeah. Yeah, it's cool that you've gone to this stage at 22 where you're like, not only do I know who I'm attracted to, I also want to explore it. I think it's absolutely fine that you haven't done so before now. That's actually... Because you're 22! Exactly. And also, it's completely normal.

And I do want to say this, like, stress this to be nervous about dating. And I think somehow, like, there's sort of a greater onus put on it for queer people because it feels like you're like trying to access a community as much as you are a dating scene. But just to be clear, everyone's nervous. Yeah, everyone is. So, yeah. Apps, I think.

So there's an app called Lex. L-E-X, like Lex L-E-X, like Lex L-L-E-X. Yeah, but she's 22, so she won't be. Yeah, yeah, no, no. But again, I said it, I'm so old. Like for rich people. Like your dad might be into Alexa. Okay, so the point, L-E-X.

Like Alexa. You know Alexa, you're young, hip, cool. Go on. 22 much Catherine the so if you ever break down and one three letter word

I love that you I don't know if you got that but that's Lex L-E-X Like you're lesbian X Remember when you got it from the first time they went Lex?

Yeah Still that Still that You've you've given a robotic assistant as something that's cool to a chart Not a child

I know Okay, tell me that leg He also used the phrase hip hip hip to the hot Have I ever pretended to be anything other than I am?

I have an uptight pelvis and I want the best for E now tell us about that. Lex, I would say is I think what you should do is not, I think you should diversify over the app. So I think join

maybe like three. If you want to do apps which you do not have to do because for some people it's like more time on my phone than I go to Instagram then I go to TikTok. I feel bad about myself.

So if you don't want to spend loads of time on your phone, join one app. But if you kind of want to have like the removal of being online. I think a few apps is good then you can see which one suits you. Hinge, how's that for queer people?

I think it's good for straight people I've enjoyed it. I like Hinge for... I've not been... Oh, I have been... Yes, I have. I have been on Hinge. I like Hinge for queer dating and I have a lot of friends who find it very effective. I think that the nice thing about Hinge

is that it asks you a little bit more about yourself so it gives a little bit more space. Yeah, they're just like... What do you look like, swipe? Yeah, and I generally find people like very, very chatty on it. So like, they're not... It's not just like, no, no, no,

It's like, if you, if you've bothered just why people generally want to have a chat. Agreed. I think Hinge is quite chatty. It's nice. So, Lex, I went on it recently in New York and it's basically like, okay, Lex, E will not know this because it's from the past, but personal's ads that you have in a newspaper. Yeah. Okay. So in the deep past, there were like these sheets of paper that had, like, tweets written on them that's quite long.

And in the back of those, in the bottom of the stack of those sheets of paper, people who wanted to meet people. Yeah. The lonely hearts column. The Lonely Hearts column. So Lex is basically an online Lonely Hearts column. You don't need to link your socials to it. You can just be like, hey, there's a Olivia Rodrigo gig. Does anyone want to go?

I'm going alone and you put that up on Lex. Obviously, safety is a thing. Some people do link their Instagram so you can see what they look like. But you can just chat to people based on literally a headline and three lines of text. And it doesn't have to be sexual, which is why it's really nice. So in New York, it's people being like, well, someone walk my dog. Or like, where can I find a hook up for this? Oh, it's sort of like getting to know people

and then see a romance like Blossack. And you can have lots of low states chats because it's not immediately like, do I like them? Heart or no, you can talk about what you like. You can literally say like a lot of people like, oh my housemates are terrible or my like parents are terrible and like if someone's there and up for a chat, you can speak to them. But there's no like sort of ego. There's no like

sort of ego. All you have to do is right. Acute or. To me this just sounds like Crailest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But not in a good word. Is that not like what if it's just a round of them? But I feel like but I think if you don't actually want to meet people but want to try out talking to queer people. I think it's pretty much queer women on Lex.

And it's not an expectation that you have to. Also, I feel like with Tinder, there is expectation of like that sex will be included in the deal and that adds a lot of pressure in for the former struggle with anxiety. I just realized the premise was that it was lesbian. Oh yeah, Lex is only queer women. Well, then let's talk about walking your dog lady.

Let's do it. Let's do it. That's fine. Nobody's had. But without the pressure of forcing a romantic relationship if there isn't one there. Like if it is just a dog walk, it has to find five pictures of you

where you look approachable but heart for not like you. trying too hard and like I think the crafting of Hinge can be fun yeah what I would say is that it sounds like this person doesn't have a lot of queer female friends or queer female friends who are also looking to date yeah and I think that that could be basically not putting pressure on it to be sexual but being in a space like Hinge or Lex is nice because then you could be like I'm open to like anything but it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to be sure of which I think that is also why her is quite a nice option it's old school is her an app or what's that? for queer women as well

and I think you can be quite like upfront on her and just say looking for friends yeah or looking for other queer friends in London but also you could say looking to date and for friends although I think that can be confusing for maybe pick a thing for what you want to put out there

but anyway her is quite nice because I think her people are willing to talk much much for much longer I don't know if that's... Yeah I don't want to talk talk to people. Me neither on Hinge. I'm like, is this cool? Okay, cool, let's meet up. But if it's her, people are like, we should be pen pals for a year and a half and then maybe we'll never see. Which is perfect for some people. That's the thing. If you want to just chat and like get to know other people, it's a great option. I feel like as you are 22, not to be the

patronising people of their 30s, but just to quickly go through the logistics of like good places to meet up, I'd say. Yeah, be safe. Somewhere that you know well, somewhere that's Busy. Public, daytime even. I actually think a queer comedy gig is a great first day. Me too. It doesn't even have to be one where any of us are on. Yeah, it doesn't have to be lull word,

wacky racist, gigless line. But if it happened to be. A Helen Bauer's Soho show, a Catherine Beaucho show, a Sophie Juker soho show. It doesn't have to be those. No, but make sure it's somewhere that you are familiar with. Like, don't go somewhere that they know that you don't know. Like, there won't be able to feel less anxiety. inducing and I feel like

daytime dates are great like or daytime dates are amazing so fun so good you're not taking off a whole evening there's not the pressure of the oh it's the end of the night so now we're both going to bed that you lose all of that so you can just like meet up at like four or three o'clock yeah go and have a couple of drinks go have a coffee if you want always have

an out at the end of it you can always drop the out like it's yeah I always have out like and then if you really like them then a hundred and jump straight into the 9pm date where it's just sort of like right your truck or mine like you know no no I don't think Is this straight dating again

If I fucked up Your truck or mine Trucks don't feature She's in North London There's no parking Oh okay Well I don't know these things She probably can't drive

She's when you do But yeah So please pick somewhere safe But I think a comedy night Is great Because it gives you something To watch, do chat about

Yeah Or art You can look at the art If you like art Everyone's like Yeah Yeah we're like Oh no

It makes you cool But the other thing to say Is I think there was more To that question It wasn't just dating It was also friends Right Yeah yeah

Just generally There's quite a few cool If you're the type And I don't want to make any judgments Based on your Doc Martins Because we can femme and DM at the same time But you can also fend in sports at the same time But my point is that there are lots of cool

Queer sports clubs available So there's lots of like Goll diggers The football club are very queer friendly for women There's loads of like You literally find a queer hockey group In any part of North London I see them every Sunday

And there's also queer rugby teams Anyone point in London, you're nine feet away from a queer hockey group. Oh my God, or rugby team or soccer team. There's also like white tie, wait, wait. Almost certainly. Yeah, like there's so many. Wait, wait. What's bender defenders? I think bender defenders is white, even though it sounds like football.

It's a martial arts. Like, great. Martial art. There is queer boxing as well. Yeah. So there's so many like activities you could do. There's definitely queer climbing groups. Like you could, I mean, honestly, you could go do any sport and find a bunch of groups.

I did a Christmas party for like water sports gays. Ooh. I talked about that earlier. Just man. Bad fun. Yeah, I just think, you know, you're feeling anxious. You're 22. You're living with your dad.

Go out there, piss on toilet. Like, I feel like if you want to be in someone, that's what we're saying. Although I will say on like, download Lex, piss on toilet, you're done. If E is into more like to, not extreme, but I'd say like more kinky sexy stuff, I would say go for it. there's an app for that as well. I think Field is very, like, kink positive and pro that. But I would say in any space, as like a young queer person dating, I would say, be careful not to be bamboozled by people who are either older

or seem to have more experience than you. Agreed. Yeah, don't allow them to, like, let you. If it doesn't feel good, then it's not good for you. Doesn't mean it's not a good thing in general. But if it, just because someone tells you, oh, people love this, if you don't love it, you don't love it. That's it.

Yeah. Like, it's so easy to feel like, oh, no, no, no, this is something that they enjoy with their previous partners, like, there's a line to be drawn. And people, like, go through, like, queer adolescence a lot later. Like, people basically, like, come about... What queer adolescents, exactly? Is that, like, finding what sort of queer person you are if you've been, like,

closeted up until that point, or... Yeah, but it's also, like, in, like, we... Sex education doesn't cater to us in schools. Sexual education from our parents generally tends to be prescriptive or presumptuous in its straightness. And, like,

I think discovering a lot, of things like what you're into, who you're into, how you like things, how you like to be perceived, maybe how much you wanted to be part of your identity or don't, are all things that you have to grow in? Yeah. How you want to present? Like, there's lots of things.

Yeah, so I think you kind of like, you've probably gone through adolescence already of like making mistakes, doing stuff, getting obsessed with people. You probably have like a mini version of that again. Yeah. But someone who say like 35 and like you'd assume have all their, has all their shit together,

might not. And might have like come out late or reach something late. And like you don't, you should trust basically your instinct. Totally for what you said. I used to blow on dicks repeatedly because I didn't blow job meant you didn't blow but now look at me you know

yes and that could be you I'm in a great phase of just being like my mouth's too small like and then you just anyway back to what are we saying what was that about?

Adolescence? Yeah. Are you got anything nice plans for Christmas or? Can I say one other thing which is I wish I had done a bit more of is like enjoy it and I don't I don't mean like do everything da da da when people say that and you're like I should be out there enjoying it more I just mean like if there's a queer film festival on go and just enjoy the film you'll be just enjoy being around queer people if you haven't been like sometimes it's just joyous to be in spaces where like I grew up in a tiny religious town and I did not see anyone like me I did not know any gay people until I was a fully formed adult

and it was just, it's still, it's still exciting to be in rooms where it feels like normal and it has possibility that I didn't know it had before. That sounds like, but I just mean, like, enjoy being. And it just makes sense, I just wish that you had that the whole time. Like, it's a shame that you have to like wait and then like it becomes such a privilege instead of it being something. Everyone should just be able to feel included and welcome wherever they are and feel seen in part of something.

I just think it doesn't have to be like, I'm going to go out and meet somebody and be best friend or I'm going to have sex. It can just be like, I'm going to go sit in a cinema and watch a film where probably all the women around me feel the way I do in a certain way. Like Ben Ha. Yeah. Or something else. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like any other film. Yeah. Like Bruce or my see. Because there's that scene where Jennifer Aniston's like, oh, the moon's coming close and she's like, my tits that got big and she they don't really. Is that queer? um

sure yeah i think the mood is the mood is queer we can say that oh the moon is a hundred percent yeah come on no part of the moon is straight oh my god okay i didn't know that I'm not I'm learning okay

yeah yeah Jesus Christ and if all else fails if none of that works out just um come to giggles live come to giggles live but also like get your dad some popcorn

pop on that Christmas movie with Kristen Stewart and just you know wait wait wait what is the Christmas movie with Kristen Stewart it's called it's uh it's called the happiest season yes it is it's meant to be a lesbian wrong called did you enjoy it no it's terrible it's the worst one in the world no that would be Spencer but it's a pretty close second careful and and truly it's trash but like you know

it's it's mommy why are you so unhappy it's such a good script no have you seen last Christmas out of curiosity oh that's I only just watched the month ago holy fucking So the premises based off Wham songs, so already you're like, this is going to be one of the best films I've ever seen in my life. By Emma Thompson, so it's going to be okay, right?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Nanny McPhee was great. How could it go wrong? They base it off the song last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the twisters, he was dead all along, and it's his heart inside of her. Wow, ever.

Heart transplant. Heart transplant romance. Wow. Incredible. You think I'm just giving away the whole film. I haven't. You have to watch it. Yeah, I thought you've given away.

No, no, no, no. There is so much more to that, including Emma Thompson being a Yugoslavian refugee. Yeah, small accent. Oh, boy. Yes, terrible. Andrew's looking at me like we have to go. Oh, sorry, sorry. No, but yeah.

I mean, wow. I mean, wow. Okay, E, go out there, enjoy your life. Anyone who hasn't watched, was it tis the season? What do you say? The happiest season. The happiest season. I will be watching that.

Watch last Christmas. And for you, just good luck with your pelvic floor. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you, Sophie, you've been such a lovely. Oh, my God, this was so lovely.

Oh, my God, really? Remember the bit about the toilet? Even the bit about the toilet. Oh, that's so nice. It made me feel like maybe I don't need to do this anymore. No. Yes, good. I'm so, growth for everyone.

I feel so proud of, like, all of us for being here and sharing our truth. Me too. Sophie Duker, before we go, people can find you on Twitter, Instagram. What else can they do? At Sophie Duke Box. How dare I? I think is my real legal name, but it's not. It's just a cool thing that I did.

I think it's fun. Yeah, at Sophie Duke Box. on Twitter, Instagram, Deepop. I've got to sell some clothes. I mean, I'm doing shows. I love you to follow your socials, but I buy too many clothes that I need to sell. Great.

Go to Sophie's website. Go to her Instagram. She's going to be putting up all, like, work and progress days. I don't have the thingy yet. It's being made. Okay, great. Here's my other question. If I want to buy a ticket to your show, Wacky Racist,

where would I get those? Okay, I would go through Instagram. We also have a link tree, which I do not know the URL of, but go on Instagram. How often is Wacky Races? Wacky Races is once a month. Okay, wonderful.

In London, but we also do shows up and down the country. We'll make noise when. Go to this. This is perfect. Yeah, that'll be a lovely gig. That'd be fun, fun space to be in. And do you have any tour dates, work and progress dates, the hoodies that you want to promote?

No. Not at the moment, but I don't think so. I'll bet you do. I do, but I just find something on Instagram and go from that. And buy her old clothes, everybody. Yeah, just buy. Yeah, come and see. Yeah, she's in London. She'll just see me any time.

Yeah, come to Wacky Raises. She'll have a stall at the back. She'll be selling shorts. She's good to go. She'll see you there. Sophie Ducre, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Now, let's thank our producers. Yes, please. So we have exec producers, Guy Goodman and Simon Moors.

Thank you both so much. We have producers, Harold Van Dyke, Kim. Oh, we never settled on this, Dovgall. Dovgall. Who knows? David Walker, also Kimtobroner, David Walker, Jess and Nick, S.B. Dubbs, Neil Redmond, Kira Leach, Anthony Conway, Claire Owen Jones, Emma Walton, Caitlin, Katelyn Lise, Liz, Heather. Thank you, Caitlin. Zoe, Lee, Meyer. Cough. Tim and Dom. Richard Bicknell, Richard Bolt, Karen Bull, Rachel R, Sadie Cashmore, Victoria Hutchison, L. Holmes. We're so grateful to all of you. That was well done. I feel like I blew through with you. I don't know how to say. Thank you,

producers. Thank you so much. Please send your names phonetically. Thank you.