Trusty Hogs - Ep108. UROOJ ASHFAQ / Ashrams, Antidepressants & Alan Partridge

Episode Date: November 16, 2023

A lovely Trusty treat this week as we catch our guest on a rare UK trip from Mumbai... it's 2023 Edinburgh Comedy Award winner UROOJ ASHFAQ! Urooj was so funny and lovely, and simultaneously admired and roasted Catherine in hilarious equal measure. Meanwhile, Helen offers the cultural exchange of Alan Partridge, and we talk about performing in India vs the UK...FOLLOW UROOJ: @UroojAshfaqThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Deakin / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew Thomas / Madeline QuinnePRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Klo / Becky Fox / Emily Gee / Dean Michael / Glenys Wood / Stefanie Catracchia / Sophie Chivers / Marc / Anthony / Carey Seuthe / Charley AWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Is it that site? And then maybe pop over to Helen and my YouTube page and you can subscribe there for your life, but there's no pressure. It's one of these. It's one of these. Oh, it is pressure. You must subscribe and you must like every video. Thank you, good night, good afternoon, good morning, goodbye. I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay and I pity any.

girl who isn't me today is that right do do do do do I haven't watched that in ages I need to watch it welcome welcome to trusty hogs it's episode a hundred and eight sorry just getting our admin done there before yes yes yes I'm also feeling pretty and gay you are so pretty today like you're always pretty but you're so pretty today it's because I paint up my face you're pretty girls we're pretty girls I'm trying to do that like dopamine dressing talk to me? Apparently it's just like mood wise if you're feeling like blah I'm not trying to do it consciously but this

morning I was I guess unconsciously it's mid November I got it's so dark out let's fucking put on some bright colours but cheer ourselves up that way apparently it helps I don't know it's actually what I feel like in a really good mood and maybe that's because you're wearing pink but then the most together like seemingly like good like incredibly like happy and capable people in my life

always just wear monochrome so maybe maybe I should do efficiency dressing but they can wear monochrome because you're wearing pink So you're giving them the head. You're right. You know, you own this, okay? It's mid-November. We're going to question everything we're doing, okay?

Until May next year. God, I can't wait for it. No, March, much more, because we might be in the sun then. Maybe. Maybe we might be in Australia. We don't know. My fear is. Go on.

Oh, no. If anyone who's new here, hi, I'm Helen Bauer. This is Catherine Broughart. We're comedians. We're doing a podcast where we chat and then we have on the amazing Aroo Dashback. Yay. Sorry, do you don't do it slower? You know, I can't speak.

slowly. Okay, I'll try it slower. Hi for anyone new. Hello there. Welcome to the ASMR podcast of the sexy ladies talking. Wow, it's just a pretty chill podcast called Trusty Hogs. Don't worry about it. And my name's Helen Bauer. And I'm Catherine Bowhart. We're incredibly good looking, pretty funny, upbeat women. Don't Google us. Do not. Do not look at our faces. And we're going to be chatting and then we're going to be chatting with the very funny, very adorable, very Catherine like a rude jashvac. Oh she's great. Oh she's great. She's so great. But until

then. Until then. Until then, we're just going to have a catch-up. Is that okay with you, dear listener? Yeah, is that all right with you? Who knows where you are right now? Why are you being aggressive? Are you in the UK? Is it raining? Listen, just have a nice day. Have a nice day. Are you on a plane? Is it going one? I literally can't keep this up. It's not astonishing. It makes me feel more nervous to try to be calm. What's that about?

Yeah You're gonna give them your problems And they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh

It's Helen and Catherine And the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not Hey, speaking of things That I'm doing in the dark To make things No, that made it sound

No, that's not what I meant. No, it is. No, it's not. When I was in Scotland, I'm, like, from my mood, I was, it was so dark. I honestly, like, truly can't stress this enough. I can't believe how dark it was already at the end of October in Scotland. I fair play to all of you, he'd do it. It was, like, getting dark at 3pm.

It was crazy. But I was, like, I have not seen any sunlight. Like, I need something. Even, I was going outside, and I still wasn't getting any sunlight. I was like, I need something to lift my mood. So, you know how I do FS8, Pilates? And sometimes I do F-45, the cardio and, like, I was like, let me go to F-45 in Edinburgh.

The Scottish version. Welcome to Scottish Pilates. Let's fucking stretch. It wasn't the Pilates. Everyone, Savasma. I wish it was that. I wish it was that. It was the like boot camp Saturday like weights and cardio class.

It was in an industrial estate. The guy who runs it is so. nice and his whole class was first of all it was like in Oxford Street you go in and you grab like a tiny warm like fresh towel and you like you fill your water there's like locker space everything's serene they're like as soon as you get in there someone's like hi welcome to F-45 you're like okay I'm in Scotland in a way much more endearing you walk in and it was Halloween weekend not Halloween day so they themed all the classes Halloween you went in and they were like do you want a tail? You're like, huh? And they're like, do you want a tail for the class? And it's just like a cat tail or a tiger tail.

And I was like, um, and the guy's like, I'll be out in a minute I'm just painting my kid's faces. This is incredible. Except like, obviously in Scottish accent which I can't really do and I was like, is this like, what is this? And then it was the single most intense

exercise class I have ever done in my life. Scottish people are way too accustomed surrounded by people with cat ears on. They were all dressed up but also they're way too accustomed to pain. Like it was a, in Oxfordshire they're selling you an experience in Scotland, they're getting shit done. Well they're probably training for the

Highland Games. They genuinely looked like they were fighting, they were prepping to fight for Scottish independence. These guys were fucking tanks. And they'll get it this time. They were tanks. And they, in London they're like get it girls, that's it. You're doing a amazing. In Scotland, they just

lock at you. Like, deepen your soul. And you're like, I'll keep going. I'm sorry. Like, you're letting them down. It's so, it was the most intense class I've ever been to. Did you love it? I loved every second of it, obviously. I, it was also, they just like, don't do heating. It was absolutely freezing.

But then as soon as you get going, you're fine. But it was just really a very different experience. And the class was called SoCal. So in London, everyone's like, it's like the Californian workout. And in I'm like, so cow. And you really, you can do it.

It really feels like they're starting a conversation like, So cow, you've let us all down. And you're like, oh, God. It's so stressful, but it was fun. And I didn't understand any of the instructions, so I just had to follow the woman beside me. And she didn't always know what was going on either. Anyway, it helps my mood.

That actually sounds really fun. It was so intense. And also, like, they're just badasses. I was like, I think I just want to do Scottish exercise classes. Maybe that's all I actually want to do. Oh my God, you would have found the men They are so attractive It's like going to like a Northern Irish

Like yoga class Like how good is that going to be Like yes fucking please Cat Kai, cat Kai That would be quite Welcome to a sound bath in Germany Yeah pretty intense It'd be incredible

Lie down and relax My fucking am I'm Jesus Christ you need I'm sorry I'll do what you say But yeah it was a whole different experience with the same class but I still really enjoyed it and would recommend if you need like a kick up the ass in Scotland

yikes I do not want to kick up the ass for at least six months what happened? No why did I ask? No I haven't kicked up the ass I just want to be I want to be I want to be I didn't think you've been kicked up the ass I was like what's happened I want to be covered in blankets oh right okay few I assumed we were talking injury just based on your personality and every experience I've had with you no my ass is feeling so good at the moment whew that's a relief to hear like yes sure a bit hairy a bit spotty No more detail.

No more other detail. I just want to be like a little princess. I want to just go home and hold a plastic wand and wear a little tiara and just, you know, sit there with my cushions and my blankies and put on my TV show, even though I've been watching a lot of really weird stuff recently. Like what? Plain. What's plane? I don't know. Sineal was like, we've got to watch plane.

We've got to watch plane. It was like 10 p.m. at night. And I was like, how long is it? TV show or movie? Movie. And he was like, it's an hour and 47 minutes. and I went absolutely doable, let's do it. Made in the 90s.

I miss films being an hour and a half, an hour. No, we're not made in the night. It's literally made just now. And he was like, you know it's going to be good. You know it's going to be good, Helen, because there's five production companies involved. She knows it's going to be an absolute banger. And he was like, this one is Gerald's, um, production company.

I was like, is he in it? He went, he's the lead. So the, it's a story of, it's called plane. Yep, got it. And senil was like, when it comes up and it says the name of the film, you have to say it. Is it bland or is it? Okay, it's a classboard.

The screen went black, and the writing in white went, plain, and he went, say, plain, plane! And we were, like, laughing our heads off. And then it's about Gerard Butler, okay? He's not playing himself, and he's a pilot, and he's on the phone with his daughter. Why would he be playing himself? No, he's not playing himself.

I know, but why would you be? But it is Gerard Butler. I don't know. Like, you know, like John Markovitch. But he's not old enough to appear as himself and everything yet. Not yet, no. Soon, 10 years from now. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Maybe soon. and he's a pilot and he calls his daughter and he's like I'm in Singapore I'll see you for New Year's and it's like New Year's Eve and it's like she's in like Canada it's like he's never going to make it they get on the plane the plane malfunctions and they land on an island and then Gerard Butler just like shoots people and runs around with guns and then he doesn't make it for New Year's but they get there in the end plane

it sounds plain it's brilliant It's like a plain old man film Highly highly recommend it I just wish they'd just call some films what they are Which is like man film Man show In the same way that like I don't need you to describe Like just tell me what

Lady Sunday movie is Oh my God Ladies on Sunday yep Lady Christmas yeah Have you seen the latest Man TV show Which one? Opel Hunters Australian Outbook Opel Hunters

Sorry Helen No no wait you can't act like that's the obvious answer to that like I should just know that that's the most current man show Have you not seen Opel Hunters? It's not like you're thinking of like a new big big hit you're like that's so niche what are you talking about? Well I think our algorithm got fucked because remember like a couple of months ago you were telling me to watch alone. Did you watch it? Yeah I watched it. Did you love it?

I did. The English one or the Canadian one? The one well okay they were English but they were in Canada. I did but like I think from my survival shows I want there to be more interpersonal dynamics of people like just falling out because they're like, Lord of the Flies, you don't want. I think I do. I want what we had when we were growing up

on T4, not Survivor. Shipwrecked. Do you remember when it was the Tigers versus the Sharks? And it was like, it was mainly surviving but it was also like fucking and arguing and falling out and voting people out. I have to say I was such a survivor stand. I've seen so many of those series.

The one with Joel Domit, not yet. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I absolutely love Survivor but I do think there's something about the American cutthroat culture of like you got to get ahead, you got to get ahead that I will miss in a British version

but I'm sure it brings its own nuance to the... There's still a lot of nastiness between the Brits but the American need to win on reality TV I mean we all remember where we were like the moment Michael Jackson died the place we were when Diana died and the place we were when we first watched Fear Factor you know those are the three famous things

You've got a lot of Michael Jackson on your mind the first time you went to. I know, what's happening? It's the second reference, and I don't want any part of it. It's the second time I said Michael Jackson today. Yeah. Michael Jackson, that's four.

That's four now, yeah, got it. MJ, five. Oh, is that the Kardashian-Metria? Please make it stop. Oh, MJ, she's so nice. She's so nice. And she wears such a lovely cigar pant. Doesn't she rock a cigar pant?

Like, nobody's business. She does. What were we saying? Fear Factor. Nope, that's not what I was saying. No, I definitely was. But that's the American. to win. Do you remember this show?

Yeah, I remember it. I remember it. So basically it's like you you go on and you're in teams in like duos and then you're put in the most terrifying situations and the point is just don't be scared and you'll win. But it was like hang off this building and grab this star or like be locked in a basement with rats and don't cry and that was the entire thing. It's all of the challenges from I'm a celebrity get me out of fear with like zero compassion. And no career and presenting at the end of it. Yeah, like, you're not even, like, building a brand. So bizarre.

Hey, um. I'm going to watch Fear Factor when I get home to you. You really should. I do miss it. Before you do, you were telling me that you, you never told me about in Ireland when you said you'd met some Irish women who were all of a type. What did you mean? I met some Cathwins.

Is that what you mean? Yes. Go on. Well, it's just like, sometimes I'll be doing a gig and people will come up afterwards and be like, oh, I'm a hog and I'll be amazing. And they'll be like, I'm, I'm a Helen. I'll be like, fucking, yeah. And then we just sort of like, we're just sort of like, dribbling off at each other.

I'm just like, you're squeezing their boobs. And I'm like, do you know not to eat pasturys? And they're like, I do now. Like, it's just like, we're just sort of like, we're just all confused, like sharing liquid. We're just all over the place. Oh, don't say liquid. And then every now and again, someone would be like, I just wanted to say hello.

Don't come too close. I'm a Catherine. And it's just really sweet because sometimes, sometimes when I meet a Catherine. We're more of them, Catherine's in Ireland. Yeah. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. There's more Catherine's in Ireland. We're a worried gang.

It's like, it's just like just this culturally. There's just there's so much guilt and shame around things that maybe I don't hurt. We're guilty. We're shameful. We're concerned. We're worried. Oh, for me particularly, though, the amount of concern in the audience. Concern is our vibe. We're very concerned. We're very worried.

We're very anxious. We're very certain of other people and their space. We are, oh, we've got things to do. We're busy. Not all of you were certain. Were they all busy as well? They seem like a, I think Catharines are busy girls. But they're busy doing busy work.

But that's an Irish woman. Like that's not even a Catherine. That's, I think I'm one of many in Ireland. Yeah. Do you know Helens? Well, a couple of the Catharines brought their Helens. And then they'd sort of like, they'd introduce themselves, say I'm a Catherine. And then they'd be like, say to their Helen, like, I'm going to go to the bar.

Do you want anything? And the Helen would be like, oh. A bottle of wine and a straw. And then they'd leave me and the other Helen to all. weble like weble around together and then the Catherine would go and get the drinks and the Catherine would come back and try and join in the conversation and we'd be like screaming yeah knee deep in like but how do you dress up a hamster like like like important conversation but it was just it was just it's just nice to have like it's nice to know that

the Catherine's like multiple not just you but the other Catherine support little Helen yeah and I hope that the the Helen's come and see you and you're not too I think I have your kind to the little Helens. They don't spit on you or anything. I hope the Helens come to see me. The Helens are such great audience members. Ah! You know what I mean?

Like the Catherine's, well I am a bad audience member. I'm actually a good audience. No, you're a good audience. I have a really big laugh that is certain and I... You always wave back? Really, and I really genuinely want everyone to do well. So I am like, come on, I'm rooting for you. But I also do think there's like a little part of my brain that will always be

running through a to-do list of things that I need to. to be doing or could be doing any time of having fun and with like TV I can at least like do another job at the same time so I guess I get a bit stressed by the lack of but that's your brain yeah my brain's there I guess but Helens just seem to be like really in the moment and enjoying themselves wait so when you watch TV do you ever just like phone down and just watch it if I'm having like doing my nails or cooking something or on my laptop but do you ever just sort of go like because I find this really hard to like genuinely just sit and watch a show I find it so tricky.

The only time I do that is if I'm watching something with somebody and that is even and only then usually Ellen because she is the only one who feels comfortable being like, it's not phone time! That was not a very good impression of my girlfriend. I don't know why I just became like a 1990s male comedian. My wife, like, no, she's just like, hey baby, but we have a nice time.

Like, I'm sorry, that was crazy. Wow. I hate myself on the TV show or the film because you're like distracted. Oh yeah, no, my attention span is dog shit. Let's be very clear it's so bad. I would like to take up knitting. Talk to me. Because I think it's something to do with my hands

that feels productive, but it's just like brain off and means I can enjoy what I'm watching or listening to. And it just looks so soothing. You could knit me a jumpy. I'd love to knit you a jumper. Maybe I should get some nice wool and some nice knitting needles. Oh, and also... Actually, knitting so suits your personality.

Don't you think? I'd be so cute. Could you imagine, like, bawling up the wool and colour coding it in the basket? A zing! Sorry, I'm so sorry. You can't do callbacks to last week. But there are self-striping sock wools. Did you know this?

Wait, what you don't mean? You follow the pattern. The material itself will create a stripe if you follow the pattern. Astonishing. Wow, what a time. I don't know if I want you to knit me socks. Well, what if I want to make them for someone else? Am I an exclusively knitting for you now?

Ideally, yes. Do I work for a unit? What's supposed to be my hobby? I'd love a jumper. Okay. What would I like on it? you know the ones where it's like 3D patterns

like hell that I just learned to knit in this scenario can I tell you what I want though why don't you just pick a colour how about one with a sheep on it and the sheep is woolly just pick a colour and it's green

okay it'll be green and in many ways it'll be of a sheep here's what I was going to say you know how the way you say send gifties yes okay well can I can I ask for a request for like what's not gifts but like something that helps you send aid

I guess like send help send help when you're okay so here's what I'm saying to you is send help to regions in the world what I'm saying send dad stuff I guess look my dad doesn't live here and this will be my first winter I'm going into as a car owner

and somebody tweeted I think it was Mary Fox tweeted to be like here are things you'll need for your car but they were sort of American references and I was suddenly like I don't know what those are and also shit I don't know what to do Andrew oh Andrew Andrew

Andrew, I don't know what to do if my car is cold Okay, so you know how Put the heating on you, you fucking idiot Wait, wait, wait, wait What I'm, no, the heating, obviously When I'm in the car that will get rid of the fog Yes, the heat will get rid of the fog, is that right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The steam or whatever. But condensation, thank you. Women can do anything. Helen, let me ask my dad questions. When I go outside Yeah. And it's all frosted over.

Ah. So, ideally, if you can leave a little bit earlier, so you can start your car and have the heating on, so before you leave, get an ice scraper. You can also get, like, de-icing spray and stuff like that. And you can also put de-iscer specifically into your windscreen wiper things, the fluid. So, yeah, there's a few things you can do to mitigate it. Okay, and how often should I be checking my fluid, would you say? That's not quite a doctor. It's good stuff

But no, seriously Well, check your oil regularly every month or so Every month? Every month I check oil Wow, I have not checked it Since I bought my car Oh God, yeah, please check your oil

That's, you know how to check your oil We'll have a conversation off podcast It's a dipstick, yeah I bought my car in March Yeah, you should probably need an oil change And you should check that, yeah Andrew, because she's just a helpless woman Will the car not just tell me if it needs oil

It won't say like, Yeah, but by the time the emergency light comes on, it's a little bit like, oh, this is like dangerously out of oil. Oh, Andrew, I think you should go to Cathuins. I'm very alarmed. It'll be okay. It'll be okay. Just check it within this week, I'd say. I have to email myself to do that.

That's terrifying. I didn't. What happens if your oil runs out? It's not petrol, is it? Your engine's fucked. Catherine, your engine might be fucked. Oh, no. What are you going to do then?

You're going to be a bus wanker. bus wanker for anyone who hasn't seen the in-between us that is a very funny reference I just made I actually watched the in-betweeners again the other day I really need to check my car yeah you really do that feels important car friends no but I should oh friend

friend car friend no but oh shit I'm really worried with the oil situation now honestly it'll be okay you probably have got several more months of it but it's just worth checking especially because you don't drive like loads do you well I've done 3,000 miles

you should be okay but double check it to double check okay tell you what you should do write into MTV ask them to bring back right into MTV yeah I'm the old person here right into MTV

PO Box MTV PO Box MTV music television for any of the new kids new kids being young people you're newer on the earth and ask them to bring back Pimp my ride they do everything

I mean they'd probably spray paint a leprechaun to sell them in your car but it was but with a microphone they always had their hobby somehow involved in their car oh that leprechaun that I sent you the leprickon that sits in the pot of gold and goes I must be Irish because my money be doubling like that's just funny okay should we bring on our guest? I think that's for the best I love you so much though I love you too who loves you

Helen who loves hewin please we're not going out again please welcome to trusty hog a rude ashback Hello, welcome to the plugging section. Do not skip. Do not skip it. On March 2nd next year,

I will be doing my show one last time at the Earth in Hackney. Pretty cool. It's a massive venue. It's like 700 seaters. And when you go on the ticket linked to buy a ticket, which you must, you must, you must, please. It's going to be so much fun. I'm going to be doing a split bill with Olga Cox.

So she'll be doing an hour. I'll be doing an hour. We'll be doing an hour. We're going to design some cocktails. It's going to be the ultimate night out. Please join us. Tickets are available now. We are all coming to Lester on the 10th of February so you can see every single hog as a solo stand up and you can also see Trusty Hogs Live. Starting at 1230 with Helen's show. Then I'm on at 1.30, 2, 2 o'clock at Duffies. Then Catherine's at 3.30 so you can see us all back to back. Then there's a bit of a gap until Trusty Hogs live at 945. I'm also doing a work in progress at 830. But prioritise those three.

first four, because that'll be your big day out. 10th February, Lester Comedy Fest 4. Hydrate. Hydrate on my day. Yes, yeah. Hello, it's Catherine. Also, please don't skip this. I know it's promo and it's boring, but here I am. I'm going on tour with a show called Again with Feelings. And my tour is going to be in London's Soho Theatre for two weeks in March. And then I'm going to Brighton, Oldershot, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Newcastle, Norwich, Winchester, Cambridge, Oxford, Oxford, Bath, Birmingham, Manchester, Leeds, Liverpool, Sheffield, Exeter, Corsham, Bristol, Coventry, Guildford, Portsmouth, Swindon, Dublin and again in London, and October I'm doing a big date at Blue Free Theater.

My point is, I'm trying my best. I'm coming to lots of places. I'd love to see you there. I think the show's pretty damn good. And shout out to all the Hampshire girlies. Please go see Catherine in Pompey and in Oldershot, older shot, as we call it. And to support her.

I want her to love Hampshire as much as I-D. And Winchester? Winchester is in Hampshire, isn't it? I don't count. Why am I doing so many dates in Winters? Thank you so much. In Hampshire. Because it's a gorgeous county.

Hi, welcome. How are you? I'm doing well, how are you? Great. You were to hear for a week of shows at Soho? Yes. One week? One week. And then I'm back in Jan. Great for a UK tour? Yes, for a UK tour. Who on earth tricked you into starting a UK tour in the cold depths of January?

Oh no, it was Soho theatre. They tricked me. Fucking bastards. Where are you, where will you be coming from? The heat of? Of Mumbai. Oh my God. Oh, that's going to be a shock. Do you have a coat? I got one yesterday. I actually It's really cold now for me

Oh sweet angel I'm really worried about January I'm worried about you You're going to need a second coat Is what I'm saying to you Do you have any thermals yet I'll get some thermals For sure

Any other tips? Court thermals Well where are you going on your tour Leeds Manchester Birmingham Milton Keynes So here's what I'd get

Okay I call it Longy and it's my favourite thing I own it's a hot water bottle but it's long okay and you can like hold it from the whole body and put it in between your legs so like on the vagina between the breast

you'll warm your entire body because you know hot water bottles usually you just get warmed in one section and then you have longie and then you can fill that up at the venue as you're leaving and then you can get on the train with longie and then if you don't want people to know

that you've got longie on you tie it round your midriff like a belt and then you put your coat over it Also really good for periods, that particular move. But don't, like, always have knickers on as well. Oh my God, Helen, obviously. No, but you, I'm... Helen, how... A ruse might not know. I don't want to be a dick.

She knows to bring pants for yourself. You said you've had loads of vaginal infection. I don't know whether that's because of a non-pants thing. Sometimes I do not have knickers on. Yeah, me too. Do you sleepfully naked as well? Yes, because it's really hot in Mumbai, so you can afford to. I've been.

It's very hot. It's really hot. Very hot. And then I went north in India and it got very cold. Oh. Yeah. I actually went

because my friend was getting married and then the wedding got cooled off. And I was classic. Classic Atangeli. Do you know why the wedding got called off? Right question. It wasn't love.

It wasn't love and she knew it and she was sort of going along with it. She waited for you all to fly there before she decided to know it. Well it was just me and like two friends who were like coming along to India. you're with me, but they weren't invited to the wedding. Like, I was her, like, close friend here, like, in London. You were the only one.

Did she pay for your life? No, but I was like, I was like, I'll make a holiday of it. Also, I'd never been to an Indian wedding. I thought it'd be amazing. Now you never have, and I still haven't. It just didn't happen. Oh, no. But she realized it wasn't love.

But then I was like, I was like, oh, I'm going to make a holiday of this. So I spent three months. What? Not just in Mumbai. Okay. But I went to, um, where did I go for Christmas? It was really cold. Did you go to Jeport?

Rajasthan. Oh, come on. Obviously, a city that's pink and a city that's blue. Yes, please. And then, and then... You're going to have the same reaction when you go to Milton Keynes. I can just feel it. Yes, I've heard about their indoor ski slope.

Yes. Yes. It's so good. I love that you're so excited. Maybe you will actually have a nice time, but probably not. It's all new for me. The food in Birmingham's amazing. So good.

Oh, actually, although... Maybe if you're actually from India, you'll be like... But there must be a lot of Pakistani food as well I don't have access to that because of the famous because of rivalry between our countries I know about this and it's all the English's fault

bloody hell we were all shame but also lovely train stations you know that one I meant by it what's it called the main station there Victoria Terminus Victoria but also we changed it Oh no when To Chathrapati Shivaji Maharajee

Maharaj Tournament Say that One of our guys Say that. Why you change it? Say it back. No, God, no. We were like, you know what, Victoria?

You've done enough damage. We're going to reclaim our history and we're going to lie straight through our teeth about who made this. Yes. Fucking great. And we've renamed all the monuments after dudes.

Yay. India. India. They're brown, but they're still men. It's so hard. progress? It's a step in the right direction.

It sure is. You can actually, you can just not be on the side of the Britishers and you're good. No, they were terrible. Oh yeah, are you also Irish? No, right? Your accent is not.

English. I know you are Irish. Yeah, so she's good. I did some awful things. I'm sorry. You personally came over. But then I went on holiday to India. And I think if you gave us money,

like if you put money into our economy, we kind of forgive you. Thank you. Yeah, so that's fine. Thank you so much. Just you specifically, though. Thank you. Yeah, it's not a general rule.

Yeah. I like that you're making that very clear. I loved it. I loved it. Can I tell you what I did? I went to a silent ashram. Wow. Which is a terrible choice for me.

Yeah, you've met. Where was the silent ashram? Kerala. Oh, that's a beautiful place. It's beautiful. It was beautiful. What happened, Helen? Tell the actual story. I think it might have been a cult.

Oh, wait. We had to escape in the night time. Did you go to Orovil? Amaz Ashram. Okay. No, I don't know this one. Okay, so she's the hugging girl. I love that, you're like, oh, yeah, is it this cold?

Is it this a few cult? Oh, this is, yeah, sure, the white people go to the following cult. Yes, this is the cult with clean toilets, so that has a lot of foreigners. They're usually cleaning the toilets, right? That's the scam. I was like, so I'd been there for like two months, right? And my friends had both left because they were like, we were going to fly back at this point. Whereas I was like, oh my God, I love it.

And also it's like, I'm going to take your coaster from you. But I loved this is strong. I was like, okay, no, no, I'm going to stay because it's like cheaper than I thought. And I was like, I really, really love it here. And I was 19. I knew what I was doing all my life. So I was like, right, this would be good for me. This would be good for me.

Yeah. And I was like, oh my God, there's an ashram. And like, you know, when you're like traveling around, you just sort of like, you meet like loads of different people in hospitals. And there were so many people who were like, at that age I thought were really cool, clearly had like very severe mental health problems. But when I was 19, I was like, they all went to ashrams. And I was like, well, what is this amazing place? so I went to it and everyone was like freaking out

the ashrums like thousands of people there and they're like the guru's here the guru's here tonight and I was like oh my god the guru is sick and then she hugs everyone

what everyone yeah like literally you queue up to be hugged by her and then you sleep in these like dorm rooms and then you have to be given work and they take your passport yes

did you go to Dubai yes no way and I was like that's what they do with the labour over there no I was like

it was mad it was just mad And then there was another woman there who I met who arrived on the same day as me And she was like, I'm fucking leaving And I was like, I can't leave Because we've got to wait for a bus on like the weekend or whatever And it was like, I missed it

And then she was like, no, no, you leave with me I've got a car, it's going to come and get me And I got in that car and she went The only thing is I'm going to a five-star resort And I was like, I'm a backpacker, I can't afford that And she went, you can come with me You just have to share a bed with me And I was like, no stress.

So I went with her and we went to this amazing Ayurvedic retreat Yes, okay. Incredible. So you went from one cold to another basically. Basically, yes. I had a wonderful time. Was this ironic retreatful of massages and stuff?

Yeah, it was like she was doing yoga every day and the Ayurvedic diet and everything like that. There was no hugging, right? Like a stranger was not... I love that that's the part you're most offended by, you're like, but wait, no one tried to hug you right? I'm like, I want my passport back, you're like, I want some personal space.

I had lots of hugs. It was nice. Grim, grim, grim. She just bothered. I've never been to India but when I was in hospital for OCD they did exposure therapy where I didn't like to be touched in particular by men and they made me. So that's something

and also I've watched Indian matchmaker. Okay, that's enough exposure too. Thank you so much. That's a really a really colourful part of our culture. It's wild. It's wild. It's nuts. It is really nuts but I also do kind of want someone to look at a picture of my face and then tell me my

future. Specifically who I'm going to marry and how that marriage is going to go. Yeah. Wait, just to check, it's not, I know you talked about this before. India matchmaker, they tell you you fortune? They have like a lot of like, like facial reading or hand reading or star reading or like birth chart reading to predict the likelihood of a positive match. Yeah.

With respect to one that has already been made by the matchmaker. But people pay a lot of money for this, right? Yes. So this is actually. part of the I think the Hindu tradition. It's incredible. And they have like Kundlis at birth, which is your like you have like a birth chart when you're born

and say if you and it's very similar to Palestinianism. It's like when were you born? Who was in the room? How do you feel about your mother? What day of the week was it? What moons were in the sky? It's not kind of it's just, it's just shut the fuck up. Stop. Yeah. And then they'll see they'll be like, oh yeah, you guys are a good match or you're a bad match.

Or if it's on Indian matchmaking on Netflix, they're like, that girl wears jeans. No one would ever marry her. Why? She's a whore. No. She's a whore who wears jeans. Well, we've got a couple of whores in the room today.

Fucking Andrew White. Wait, neither of you are wearing jeans. No, because we're not hores. Little sains. Ladies, wear dresses. Oh, no, I'm the only one in the jeans. You're the only out-hor amongst us. Good luck with your matchmaking journey.

That's going to be a drinking arm. I never want to get married. Good for you. Thank you, Emma. Good for you. If I propose to you right now. Okay. Like what?

That was so quick. Because you're not a man, so it's fine. Right? And I'm silly. Yeah, you're a kooky. Yeah, but your definition of kooky makes me now best. Yeah, exactly. But also, kooky lesbianism, I loved it.

You're not a man. It's just a kooky marriage. You're not a kooky marriage. Yeah, I like it. Oh, I want to get kooky married. Hey, I have a question. Because in, when I get a half, home, it's very different to when I get here.

Do you find a major distinction between how the audiences receive you? Yes, and now my demographic has changed a little bit. Say more. So before I went to the fringe and stuff, it was a lot of Indians who saw me on YouTube and follow Indian stand-up scene. And that's how we find each other, audience and comics. We just put our stuff on YouTube and then they find us. And now, it's because of the fringe thing, I have, my demographic is white.

The fringe thing, winning the new. Newcomer Award. Because of the fringe, I loved your video so much at the theater when you were like, and I won Best Newcomer, but that's not my fault. And I'm like, yes, it's all good.

Okay, so now you have white people coming to the show. Yes, and they're lovely. I'm waiting for the book. It's okay. But they're like a little worried about laughing at things. And I'm like, rightly so.

Maybe I would be offended if they were okay to laugh at some things I was saying. Oh, interesting. Right? It's like a catch-22 for both of the... Is that, did I say that right? Is that what a catch-22?

Yeah. Okay, well, so it's for, like... It's a trap. Yeah, it's a trap. But, so what used to happen is there would be enough Indians in the room to start the laughter. Give them permission. Yes. But now there's not enough Indians in the room.

And I had three really bad shows, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. And finally, yesterday, Thursday, when there were some more Indians in the room, and everyone was able to relax a little bit and start the laughter. The gig went really well. And I was like, okay, I don't have to kill myself. No, but I get the feeling because you're like, the wrong. It's like, oh, my God, these people are coming. This will be fun.

And then you're just like, are you fucking. I've got the same thing when I have a thin audience if everyone's thin I'm like for fuck sake this is gonna take so long

for them to be like oh we can laugh at this and it's like why would I talk about it? Straight people do you find that like you better with the queer audience

no I think straight people are pretty I think mine's such a well established thing that like I think they're used to it or maybe you've worn them down over the years

I think so I genuinely think that is it's exposure therapy I love that instead of won them over you've worn them down and you're dead right I have just worn

just because you're back in it but you're right I'm so sorry I meant one no that was so perfect you nailed it you nailed it

no you've won't say I'm sorry my English is very bad too fucking late and you're a Russian

now whoa this girl that was a good Anastasia it was a really good that was a really good anesthesia

um and no I'll blow her Spanish here's the thing no I did do a gig to 1,400 people in Brighton

that was mainly straight, inexplicably. And they found me tough going, which was alarming. It was like they'd looked for, like, they were like, oh, they've come for a night off from all that bright and nonsense, and then I was like, hello. So sometimes it happens. But generally, I think it's more that when I gig in Ireland, people are, I get much more nervous,

because I think Irish people are very funny. And I think that they will, like, but you're one of the very funny way. But they're so funny that you're like, for me to stop your conversations and interrupt with my own jokes, for 20 minutes, I better be good. Like, in England, I don't feel that way.

I'm like, I'm happy to interrupt your time. And you weren't telling each other how you feel. I'm worried. So, come on. And, um... Ash, is just a slam on all of us. Oh, yeah, sorry. And the other thing is that in the UK, if people interrupt me, they're usually insulting me, which I love,

because I don't love, but I can handle that. But in Ireland, they're interrupting usually with a funnier fucking story, which is so much more hurtful. Okay, that's actually true. I just, yeah. Yeah. They'll just be like, oh, I have a story like that, and then they'll tell it way better.

And you're like, what's their fucker? spent hours over. That's just, that's a problem. So is there a distinction here? Do people interrupt you or people engage with you in a different way? No, so it's like, okay, you know what you said about this is actually quite true? Like, you know how you feel about Irish people? I feel that way about Indians also.

Like, to live in India and to like, and also I'm really like, I'm one of the very privileged people in India. So it's like if you don't have certain privileges, you better have a sense of humor. Our life is very hard. Yeah. So they are really fucking funny. And I'm also really nervous back home. The reason I'm not nervous here is not because I don't think people in Yuki aren't funny.

But I just feel like... No, it's okay. It's okay. We did shit to you guys. It's absolutely fine if you don't think our sense of humor's great. Compared to what we did, you're allowed to not enjoy our sense of humor. I think that's fine. Given the centuries of bloodshed.

Your kooky stuff. Fucking hell. No, you guys are funny and so kooky, but it's gorgeous, but like I have a reverend. We've got to get rid of the word kooky because I think contextually in this episode, it doesn't count. Go on, sorry. No, so it's just that over here, I think they're just like, you know, anything you say, we just, we don't know anything about it. Yeah. So they're curious, so I get their attention.

But then I have the problem of, I need enough brown people in the room to make it okay to laugh at things. But I think- Have you considered having a white cue and a brown cue? Just to let more brown people in. So segregation. I genuinely thought you guys would laugh earlier. And then you both went, oh, God, and that's, and I'm like, Helen, yeah, I know, babe. No, I was considering it.

Listen, something to think about. Something to think about. I was like, one second. Maybe I should release tickets to people based on color. And what if I had a minimum 50 brown people requirement? I think that's a completely reasonable requirement. People do that, don't they? I'm not like as far as like people's races.

But like when you're doing those late night shows, apparently they send someone out before the show starts. Like for like, you know, the Jimmy Kim or sort of thing. And they pick people depending on how they look. That's so all. They have like, they have like a sexy section and then like a faggo section at the back and then they're just sort of like

yeah you can be section A oh no, section D and then like at the back so then when you watch it on TV it's just like fit people like living in New York yeah that makes so much sense so you could just sort of like you could go out and be like oh you're invited to this section

but not so well wow that's so sweet or like to have your own comedy bands I guess you could do like I went to a wedding recently where you couldn't sit with your partner. You were split up with, like, strangers. Oh, for you. So maybe you could split them up

and just be like one and one and one and one. That is a great idea. I could actually go out, find a couple of Indians and then break them up, break the whites up and put a few Indians, like a sandwich, like an Oreo audience. And just, and then just get buckets of laughter. So I'd be in the middle.

Yes. That's nice. I think I would make everyone at Soho Theater much more comfortable and be fun. It would be fun. Fine. Hey, so on this podcast, we generally speaking, and I know that the only thing you really know about me is that I got my nipple pierced to prove a point. I love that story so much. It's my, it's, it's, I haven't seen enough, I guess, but from whatever stand-up of yours I've seen, which is like I saw your award and that was my favorite bit. I really loved it. That's so kind. It's so good. You're the only person who's ever looked at me and said that that was relatable. It was so relatable. I am so pathetic sometimes and.

You are my favorite person. No. I don't mean it. You're so relatable. I'm so pathetic. You didn't win them over. You warm them down. You are, no, you are never, never changed. But I'm really pathetic and you are not.

But when someone... So you went down to make a clip of that. That was the happiest moment in my life. Oh no. My English was very bad. Go, big it! I'm bad English. I meant sometimes I'm really sad.

And everyone... Let's all just take a breath. I just, I just, I just, I really, I feel seen by your stand-up. Thank you. That's so kind of you. I've never dumped anyone and I have low self-esteem. So when someone owns up. No, so you're doing good. But when someone lets me into a slice of their life, that's slightly sad.

Good stuff for us. I feel seen. Thank you so much for that. But also, I actually think that that is what stand-up is. I am so sick of that. I won stand-up. Have you seen these, like, there's so much, like, it's such a trend.

I hate it. And then I won. No, I call it the Alan Partridge stand-up, which is where you end every story with, needless to say, I had the last laugh. I'm like, that's- Needless to say. Alan Partridge,

I'm going to be sending you about two years worth of watching in clips on Instagram message within about two hours from now. And it's not like a, oh, I think you'd like this. It's like a, please watch. Okay, I will. Thank you so much. I just really don't like I won stand up.

I feel like if you're not being vulnerable and if you're not telling me something that people don't say, then what's the, did you just get on stage to be cool? But don't tell me the time you were wronged. Tell me the time you wronged someone. Tell me the worst thing you did. Be the villain.

It's so much more entertaining. And then I realized I didn't need him and it's like you probably did love. You know? Or like still talk about it. Yeah. You're sad. It's okay.

You're still sad. You didn't go over. Well, anyway, I'm a huge fan. I'm a star in my kid from that. Thank you so much. I just, I want you to know. I'm so sorry. I just, I really am.

And me and another comic called Prashati Singh, she does comedy in Hindi, so that's the only reason she's not here. She's extremely hilarious. We loved you. Then we went and told all the gals back home about you. Oh, that's so nice. So if you have a sudden surge of Indian girl comics following you.

The dream. It's because of the nipple piercing story. Now you have to go to Mumbai and do the gigs. I would love to do one. Olga Cock did it, but it was amazing. I would genuinely love to. I don't know how I would fare in the sun. It's a city.

You're inside most of the time. It's crazy busy busy. It makes it sound like I would be able to eat exactly zero things. Why is all vegetarian? Oh yeah, but my tolerance for spices. There's loads of non-spicy food. We'll get you. We'll get you everything you need.

You'll be fine. I'd love to. Have a Dalmacani. Yeah, you'll be fine. And we'll put you on the part of Mumbai that is tolerable in terms of like sun and there's a lot of air conditioners. I think you keep saying we like I'm expecting a whole family

to pick me up and I'm like hi guys I was waiting for you take you to Elefanta Island me my mom and my dad oh that'll be nice yeah

it's a dream yeah we'll take your own okay watch out I'm genuinely gonna take you and you can walk around with a parasol I knew that I was starting a sentence and it was about half an hour ago

and it was this it was we give advice on this podcast oh yes I've heard the episodes and my question is what kind of advice giver are you oh I'm very serious I really tried to answer the problem. Me too.

You're very similar. I'm sorry. I feel like you guys are really sad. No, no, no, it's good to help balance. Do you have a Helen? In my life? Yeah. Hello.

I think so. Hello. Yes. I think my sister is like you, actually. Is she really cool? She is so fucking cool. Is she thriving? And she's thriving.

And all my friends like her better than me, and it really bothers me. But not the Catherine. I'm sorry, I think genuinely what I was like, cool, pretty cool. And some of us are pathetic and some of us are really cool. That's so sick. I'm so sick. I like it with sisters then. You're twins and we're sisters.

Yes. Nice. I like that. You're just like my sister. Am I? No. And that's a compliment to you. No, you're not.

Wait, older, younger. She's older. Where are you in the family? This is the two of us. Okay. How comes she's not coming to the airport to pick me up? She has two cats She used to hang out with all the time

Right, okay And so she doesn't like to leave them as much Okay, so she's sounding less cool than you originally I've got a housemate that looks like a cat So he does I see that, I really see that So we've got a lot in common Your sister and me

I also feel like you're really fun in the sense That I don't know you that well But like, are you like the life of the party No No, I just sit in the corner and cry She pretends to be the life at the party Then she gets to the party and she's like, I'm anxious.

I'm a worrywart until you get a drink in me, and then I'll be the life of your party. Everyone thinks I'd be the life of the party, but I just want to be at home alone. Watching films. I mean, that's not bad, actually. I want to be in a pub with two friends. And that's it.

I don't want to be in a pub. And you're the fun one then when you're drunk. Did you not sound so surprised? I'm sorry. The fun one, isn't it? I wouldn't say she's the fun one. I feel like I'm projecting all my feelings on Catherine. We will take a super cut of all of these slams, please.

Oh, there will be. And I think that would be a brilliant clip. I'm just projecting, you know. You're a different, you are not me. You're another person. Yeah, we're different. How about you both look at each other and say together on the count of three, we are not pathetic, we are cool.

Ready? Look at each other, look at them. The two of them, they're like, I don't want to lie to it. Okay, okay, no, this is. good for you. One, two, three. We are not pathetic. We are cool.

Okay, now one more time, but where you believe it? I can't again, I can't. That's enough. That's as much as the other words. I think like you're, like you're bullying is now. It feels like... I do do that sometimes. That's my sister, all right. No, thank you. I don't know where your hand's been.

Oh, my God. No, it hasn't. What do we talk about with touching the game? Smells great. Fishy. Yum. Like a pasta bake. Oh my God.

I'm so sorry. Andrew, please. Can we all just calm down and have a problem? Yeah, let's have a little problem. Can we please? Thank you. Bombas makes the most comfortable socks, underwear, and T-shirts. Warning, bombus are so absurdly comfortable you may throw out all your other clothes.

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Oh my God, I'm so excited to see your show. I'm so excited. Go on, Andrew. Okay, this is from Kay. Hi, Kay. Who, speaking of your show, Catherine, saw your last tour and has a problem about it. Not about your tour, not about your tour, sorry. Can everybody get off my freaking dixing? Stemming from your tour a separate problem in their life. Sorry. I was like, I know, I'm going to buy you a cookie after this. I'm okay, I'm okay, who, sorry. You're the most beautiful, funny woman in the world. I'll behave yourself. As you. You really are, though. Behave yourself.

Could she be the most talented girls in the world? Yes they are. They're so beautiful, funny and cute. How insecure are we like, we need you to think. And we're fucking loving it. Not insecure, pathetic. I love it. What is wrong.

Oh my God. Come on, Andrew, give us the problem. So this is from Kay. Hi Kay. Kay says, hey, Catherine, Helen, Andrew and M. Kay here, my partner, I, that is capital I, is a patron and we came to see Catherine in Bristol recently. brackets over a year ago.

Yeah, I was like, huh? Oh, the Bristol show was great. There's another email for somebody else who was in the Bath show and apologized for the audience on your last talk. But Bristol, a good one. Oh, my God. Yeah, ooh, bath was, no, bath, to be fair, can I just explain what happened in Bath? Somebody booked me in a studio room, which is exactly the size I would do, but it was much bigger than expected. And I was up. while downstairs was Sandy Toxvig in the main room.

And the main room is like 3,000 people. Sandy Toxvig is like, if you don't know, head of the gays in head of the lesbians in London or in the UK. And so like a national treasure. I am a relatively unknown, formerly nipple-pierced lesbian comedian. So it was like every lesbian in a hundred miles, yeah, was downstairs. and I was upstairs with eight lads and two dogs

being like you want to see a tap dance it was fucking hell how did the dogs get tickets listen I was just glad to have smiling faces were just delightful there was the only two bitches on my side I was like thank you

and the dogs are going I couldn't get into Sandy you put the wrong one Jeff no it was a tough all night so to be fair So thank you to whoever that was. But go on. Please tell us about Kay.

Yes. So Kay was in your show in Bristol. Yeah. And went there with their partner. So Kay is male, partner is female. Both in the mid-20s. Kay is male who's writing this. Partner is female.

Aye. Both in their 20s. They've been together for five years. Right. Oh, my show was about a breakup after five years. Oh, yeah. Well, here we go. Maybe this is the problem.

Oh, dear. They loved your show. Was in stitches the whole time. however during your show Catherine you had a fantastic bit about proposals during lockdown um yes do you want to just sort of give the context of that bit the context of the bit is that I talk quite a lot about a breakup and then I say that I don't want the audience to pity me because ultimately the people who should be most pitied and who are most pathetic and ultimately the most tragic outcomes from lockdown were

the people who got engaged during lockdown because that pathetic so my partner proposed me going lockdown. It was always going to happen. It was going to happen. It was so good. It's okay. It's okay. Because they're pathetic.

Not you. Not you. I agree. That is more pathetic than either of us. Thank you so. That is desperate. Yeah, we're fine. We don't even want to get married unless it's kooky married.

Yeah. That's right. We're not proposing to anyone in the lockdown. Yeah, we're fine. How are your sister's cancer? Keep in her company? You're sweet. Go on.

This is so bleak. Okay, so he proposed to her. No, she proposed to him. They're both bisexual, bisexual woman and bisexual man. I love that you added that as the explanation. It's not just that she proposed to him, it's like, because they're both bisexual. In context for later, isn't it's good to know.

Catherine's bit of comedy threw my partner into such a spin that we spent a good 45 minutes after the show. talking about whether our relationship was valid. Oh my God, Catherine. My partner is still... That's not my fault. Catherine Mary, Joseph Bohart.

My partner is still in the closet and has lots of complicated feelings about being with a man despite her sexuality. My question is this. Is my partner being thrown into questing our relationship this much based on stand-up, a big red flag? Should I be worried?

Love the show in the podcast, so much. Please solve this problem for me. I'm in turmoil from Kay. She's been in turmoil for a year. Quick, quick not. We don't, we need to check our emails more. Wow. This is not on you.

That's a very funny bit of stand-up, which they've then taken literally. What do you, well, no, I do, yeah, yes, and do you think it's a red flag that he was so concerned afterwards that he was like, our relationship's maybe not valid? Yeah, no, she was concerned, right? Sorry, my ability.

Wow. I cannot keep up with these bisexuals. She proposed again. What a world do we live in? They'll have statues that are women next So wait No, I'm a hurry though

We won't be happy with it My nose doesn't look right Okay, so she's worried about being with a mat Okay, so what do you think? I think it's a red flag That she's so concerned based on a Like, because otherwise if she was confident In her decision, she'd just be like

Ha ha ha I guess we're pathetic, love you, but like she's questioning everything So she already had the seed of doubt that you watered with your jokes and there is a big plant of, I should stop this at last. No, that was, I was loving it. Me and my joke order are loving it.

I'll never say that again. The seed of doubt was there. She came to the gig with her seat. And Catherine was talking whilst watering the plant. Yeah. And then by the end of the gig and an hour later,

they had a little seedling and then it's grown into a little tree. A big, strong tree of doubt. Type of tree, like an oak. I was thinking, okay, I was thinking more of like a palm tree because I'm used to seeing those. Wow. That's very tall.

So they are. Cultural communication, beautiful guys. With a coconut on the top. With coconut. Layed in with fear. And sadness. Oh, my goodness. That's such a sad coconut.

What's it going to do when it falls down? Kill someone, Catherine. Good God. Kill their relationship. Here's my question. Here's my thoughts even on the question. It's, um, I think that you've said what the actual issue is, which is that she has complicated feelings about being with a man when, um, she's by and maybe hasn't explored that part of

herself. But I think that that's a really shit thing to put on you after proposing to you. It's like propose and mean it or don't perform. pose like it's absolutely fine to be like I want to explore this part of my sexuality but I do think it's quite hurtful to your partner to be like like yeah because it's really like I love you so much that I'm making an exception for you yeah it's not you're not doing me a favor yeah and also like if you're bi you're into everybody like so I don't really understand the I mean if you want to explore that's fine like you can't that is a valid thing but you can't be like I'm marrying

but just so you know it's costing me this experience. Like, that's all, like, all proposals and marriages are, like, all relationships are in agreement to give up other people or, like, to whatever degree that is. But I definitely think it is or I'm fine. I think it's time to get the axe and chop down that palm tree. See what's inside. It counts the rings, baby. Count the rings.

That's what I would do. But I feel bad saying this because maybe they figured it out and maybe she apologised. I think it's something you could definitely come back from. Like, she could be like, shit, yikes, that was not about. you it was about this um but also no that's not uncommon i've had a lot of different people say like after they get engaged like all of these questions come up in your mind and like it's just like it's just very common in the same way that like you know a lot of women think they want to have babies they get pregnant and they start questioning do i want to have a

baby like it's like when something gets sort of set then you just start you start you start spiraling so that's okay to question things no one's actually a very generous and true thing to say actually having just agreed to move in with my partner, we were doing grin, and then we moved in or said we would move in, and I was something like, oh, yeah, this is so panic-inducing. Yeah, but it's normal. Yeah, and maybe-

Remember when you cut that fringe? Yeah, and it's gone, no, thank God. God, I had to clip it every day. But I think the other things... You look nice in a fringe. Oh, and the answer is... I don't. No, she did, she look gorgeous.

But you were so sure you wanted it, and then as soon as you got it, you were like, I don't know anymore. It was awful. It was awful. Curly hair and a fringe is a difficult. It's a difficult bathroom. She looked like a porcelain doll

Which isn't exactly what you're going for a 34 You know what I mean? You're not like, let me look like a little doll You're like, yeah, say I wearing another Peter Pan collar Yeah Do you like my pretty big dress? But I think maybe a more generous thing to say Is actually that if it is normal

And you're probably right it is I'm glad, well look at you being the sensible one this time Maybe there are ways to support your partner To make her feel more validated in her bisexuality that don't involve her having to have sex with women like go to pride with her or go to queer nights with her or like encourage her to go to queer things without you

whatever feels like the most important. Watch the L word. Oh, watch the L word. Don't mind if you do. I haven't seen it but I've had good things. You'd love it. I know. Free porn, baby.

I know, but I just cannot get into a series that's like that long. It's not that long. It ended too soon. How many episodes is it? Like 100? I just gave away my DVDs to a charity shop. What a shame.

I wasn't going to watch someone DVD. I just gave away my DVDs to a charity shop How are you ever going to see this TV show that's available on all the streaming service? It's not accessible Well fine I hope somebody who appreciates them Bys them from the charity show

I'm sure they will Hey, where can people see you? want to come see you on tour tell us a little bit about your show okay so my show is called oh no and it's called oh no oh no yes i love it thank you it's about my childhood and uh about your childhood it's called oh no yes so uh it was uh not the best childhood uh it's about uh therapy and then i read a bit of my diary um yes and it's what age for you when you started writing a diary i think I was probably in the second grade so I was, I guess,

seven? Seven? Seven. Amazing. Okay. And I have them, like, I have all my diaries up to the age of like 19, 20. Wow. That is a commitment to diary writing. You are, like, I didn't have friends, so I was... Oh, no. No, actually, I had a lot of friends, but...

Okay. They were just so immature. So I would just write in my... We're a game! Oh my God, we finally got a Catherine in? We did, we got a Catherine. And I was thinking about what a Catherine is the other day, And it's just a worried girl. Yes.

I feel like we all came out of the womb being like, everything okay out there? Everything all right? Has everyone feeling? Are we good? Should I come out? Should I come out now? Worried is the vibe. Yes.

Okay, so you read your diary, you talk about your childhood. Yes. My little worried girls, what are we going to do with you too? Nothing. You can worry about us, I guess. But, you know, that's what we do. Do you just need, like, would you need tea and blankets? Are you okay?

I think we need therapy and. You're both in therapy there. And strong sedatives. Yeah. Well, you've got melatonin gummies now. And I've got antidepressants. Good. I have melatonin and CBD.

Whizoo? Keep dropping that oil in the back of my tongue. Okay, good, good. You're doing well. Your mind had it going in your eyes, so I was really worried. I was like, I don't know if that's how it's supposed to go. Any poor that can absorb. Super mellow eyeballs.

Super mellow. Just chilled. Yeah, I'm super chill. Yeah. And you seem it. Thank you. You really do. You seem very relaxed today as well.

Thank you so much. Is everyone good? I just recommend Praninov for both of you, but it's up to you guys, okay? And that's how drugs should be given out on recommendations from a friend. On me being like, I think they weren't great for me. Sorry, tell us about your own. Please tell us about the tour. So I'm touring from 23rd Jan to 7th Feb, and I'm in Soho Theater from 8th Jan to 20th Jan. And you can find all the tickets on my Instagram, which is at Uruja Shwak.

It's in the link in my bio and on Soho Theater's website. Amazing. And I'm really excited about the show. Are there tickets left for Zoa Theatre in January? Yes, but you didn't have to get a ticket. I'm going to come. We're coming. We're coming. We'll go together.

This is perfect because I couldn't go this week. Okay, amazing. I'm excited. That's really excited. Yes, please. That'd be amazing. And we'll bring two brown people with us as well to balance out the room. I know you don't want both of us coming with that, honey.

I think we actually have to bring three for the numbers to be right. Oh, do we? Yeah, just think we want more Indians. Okay, no worries. No worries. We can do that. We can do that. That'll be really nice. That's so helpful.

and we'll sit like alternately like you said yeah and just don't be afraid to laugh at things it's like you know like you said like you know when you have like people who are like oh they're not going to laugh at this it's like why would I talk about it on stage if I'm not ready for people to laugh at it

well some people think that when you make a joke on stage do you mean to ruin their engagement so like sometimes it just takes a little persuasion that it's a joke that's true all of this to say buy tickets go see a rich follow her in life

listen to everything she ever's done watch everything she's ever done on YouTube like every single video subscribe send her clips of Alan Partridge send her clips of Alan Partridge share everything she's ever done into your stories with

slogan's like hashtag sleigh and hashtag queen and then and then once you've done all of that you can follow me and Kathleen and Trustee Hoggs on Instagram thank you very much good night, goodbye

good afternoon good morning oh hello thank you so much to our executive producers wow you guys give so much support and we genuinely couldn't do without you. Thank you so much while you sip coffee from your executive producer mug. Let us say thank you to Guy Goodman. Simon Morris, Mary, Fox Annie Tauner, Sarah Deacon, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, and Matthew Thomas. And thank you to our producers as you sip out of your producer mugs, which is also a thing. Don't spill it! If you already have, you have.

Thank you to Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bold, Neil Redmond, Victoria Hutchinson, Harold Van Dyke, Tim and Don, David Walker, Rachel R, Sadie Cashmore, Claire Owen, and Jones, Jess and Nick, Zoe, Sarah and Wally, Ria Finke, Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Graham Marsh, Amy O'Reardon, Abby Woff. Legends. Legends. All of you. Legends. Key Webb, Matt Sims, Luke Bright, Leah, Kate Spencer.

Kate Spencer, that's not two, that's one person. Tristan, Liz Fort, Taz, Clow, Becky Fox, Emily G, Dean Michael, Glenys Wood, Stephanie Katratia, Sophie Chivers, Mark Anthony, Carrie Soothe, we haven't quite figured that one out yet, and Charlie A. Carrie, Carrie, let us know. God bless. Amen. If you've used Babble, you would. Babel's conversation-based technique teaches you useful words and phrases to get you speaking quickly about the things you actually talk about in the real world.

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