Trusty Hogs - Ep109. NISH KUMAR / Conspiracy, Catchphrases & Car Crashes

Episode Date: November 23, 2023

Nish Kumar returns to the show after being one of our earliest Live show guests in 2022! We talk everything from girlfriend gossip to The Masked Singer, and from sex talk to the news. Yes, ALL news. Plus, Catherine's house move takes several dramatic turns...FOLLOW NISH: @MrNishKumarThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Deakin / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew Thomas / Madeline QuinnePRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Klo / Becky Fox / Emily Gee / Dean Michael / Glenys Wood / Stefanie Catracchia / Sophie Chivers / Marc / Anthony / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / Karen CottonWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

avoiding your unfinished home projects because you're not sure where to start thumbtack knows home so you don't have to don't know the difference between matte paint finish and satin or what that clunking sound from your dryer is with thumbtack you don't have to be a home pro you just have to hire one you can hire top rated pros seed price estimates and read reviews all on the app download today Hello, welcome to episode 109 of trusty hogs. The podcast, you finish this. Do you want me to do this? I think that's for the best. Hello and welcome to episode 109 of trusty hogs where usually we talk about our lives, but Catherine's had a, you're going to say a week or a day or five days? I'll talk about my life, but I can't say it's perfect.

Catherine's fucked it. I'm doing fine. Welcome to trusty hogs. Are you well this week? Oh, we're the guest, Nish Kumar, but first. Oh, my God, famous Nish Kumar! First, Catherine. I'm so glad he's coming in.

Me too. Hi. Just tell me everything. Clearly you've got it written all over your face that you've been through a wall of poo and you're not at the other side yet. I don't even know where to start. Through the fog.

Step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give me your problems and they will solve that. Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh

It's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not I'm moving house And it has begun Which we've been discussing for four months Yeah I know

But it actually happened this week proper And Ellen has been doing up four rooms which is amazing and unbelievable but like she's done like a home renovation she learned to plaster m taught her how to tile she had she has she has taken off um skirting boards and put them back she's like primed every every step she's really can do it all it's unreal but she's amazing but i have been moving an apartment's worth of stuff into a room amidst this and i don't know if i mentioned a two-bed apartments worth of stuff into i okay okay Carry on.

Yep. And that would have been stressful. My brother came to visit in between. Can you try blinking? Can you really nervous? My brother came to visit in between, which was so good, but I should have seen that the timing was going to be bad. We took him as a surprise, by the way, to Les Mis.

Oh, my God. Luke Kempner is a revelation. Oh, my God, yes, please. A revelation as master of the house. We must get him in on the podcast. He was so good. We should. And also, Ellen knows the person playing Amina playing Eponin.

So my brother was like, this is so cool. We're meeting all the things. It was so great. That was amazing. I actually really enjoyed that musical. Because it's incredible. And you get to sit down the whole time, which is so nice. Me and Andrew just sang one day more last week together.

We did all the parts. I need to do two shout-outs. The first is I said to Emma Black, oh, how would I fix this Chesterfield couch? And she sent leather samples to my house for me to compare the colours. God, Emma Black. She's sewing a new pattern in front of the cushions. Emma Black. She's unreal.

She sent me the most thorough message. I've ever seen no fucking voice notes like this chaotic queen she's just like here's the information you know let me know when you suits you she is everything so did you just think I'm just going to message Emma Black and just see what she can do for me oh do you know where I'd take this she was like you have the following 14 options and I will research them sending leather samples

to your house now I'll pick them up for you on this day I was like marry me we love Emma Black so much on this podcast only outdone by one M producer M oh my God Em, I was like, hey, this is mad, but like, do you don't think about gardening? Could you help me garden? Em helped me garden. Then Em, after the tiling, Em, you did gardening? Wait, no, the tiling is later.

She gardened first. Then she painted the ceiling of my living room. Then she painted my living room. Then she fixed the doors in my bathroom. Then she did the, taught Ellen hedge tile. Then, when I was like, I don't know what else to do, she made soup in the kitchen for us all. She was like honestly the most amazing supportive friend I've ever had in this situation

It was like just so practical I don't know how to do anything I want everything done immediately I need it done now But between Ellen Emma Black and M Like truly lesbians and efficient women Can do anything

So that was great Now I What were you doing I feel like you outsource And no one saying You can't give jobs to people But like, so Emma's doing your furniture re-apholstery.

Emma's doing your food, nutrition, painting, tiling, and, like, what was the other one? It's what? Door fixing, so Carpentry. And Ellen's doing renovation and plastering. So did you hire people to carry things down there? Okay, crashing your car. I'm crashing my car. So I'm so stressed by all this.

You're the problem. It's you. Wait for this. I reverse into a parked car on my new road. Of course I do. I'm in a rush. I'm not looking. I reverse into this park.

car I leave a note obviously because I'm not a cun so I leave a note in a plastic I'm not a con I reversed into their car I'm not a bad person it was a mistake it was all my fault I know it was my fault by the way called my dad when I when I crashed the car obviously because I'm a 35 year old grown ass woman yeah no I got it call my dad and it's like he was waiting for me to crash the car the man was ready to go in a way that felt so rude it didn't even ring just like what's happened is it drivable genuinely it was like it was like it was like my brother said obviously like my brother was like yeah look I presume we just found out his daughter was getting a driving license and then re-learned all the theory from the car yes honestly I rang and I was like

dad I've reversed into a crash car he goes like this he was like right here's what you're going to do you're going to get out of the car you're going to take photos you're going to take videos you're going to send them to ellen say you have a timestamp you have to leave a note it's an urban area it's London they have CCTV I was like I was going to leave a note dad he was like it's not a rural area you won't get away with driving off I was like dad I wasn't going to drive you're going to have to leave Wait, so the rulers, if you're in a rural area, fuck them. Like, go, like your dad's rulers.

If you're in the countryside, they can go fuck themselves. If you're in an urban area, they will get you on CCTV. Apparently. We're not here to be good. We're here to cover our own backs. The priest said this, yes. So, my dad's, like, leave an hour.

I was like, so I left a note. It was lashing rain, this is a storm. So I left a note in a plastic parcel. I was waiting for this person to call me, waiting for that happened. You laminated your name? My dad's, like, call your insurance company, tell that you'll be calling, blah, blah, blah. I laminated my note, obviously.

I leave my note on the car I'm waiting every day for this person to call me Day one they don't call day two they don't call this is living in my body the stress obviously the body keeps the score Day three they don't call me day four they don't call me Day five I see this fabulous woman get out of her house and go across into her car and she has like a full French twist full lipstick she looks amazing

she's like 70 I go over to her and I'm like she doesn't see the notes she gets into her car so I have to knock on her window and be like hey that was me I'm so sorry she shakes my hand And it's like, so many people crash into my car on this road and no one tells me, thank you so much. I'm blah. She has a fabulous name, but I won't give it away on the podcast. Zajar Gabor.

Honestly, close. Honestly, close. Magda Gabor? Genuinely close. What's the other one? It's so amazing. It's in the Zaza Raid Gabor sister. So I was like, I crashed into your car.

She is like, okay, listen, thank you so much for telling me. Sheakes my hand. I live in that house. So nice to see you. Here's a thing. People crash into my car and they never tell me, I have this guy who fixes it around the corner real cheap. We'll walk there together on Friday.

free Friday. I can't do 11. I do have a food shop coming. I won't walk around to the supermarket anymore. Anyway, hon, I'll give you a call but listen, I've got to go to water aerobics. Where have you moved to, Kensington? I've got to go to water aerobics, she must. She must. She's off. I was like, that was heaven, so we're going to the place tomorrow together.

The garage. And then, so that's like, I'm moving. Then my movers arrive, see all my stuff and I're like, oh no, we can't do this. They bail. Yeah, so you mentioned this. What do they don't want to move? He'd come and look at it, but then he was like, oh no, that's too delicate. There's too much stuff that's glass and delicate we don't mean your glass drinks cabinet no like my table my dressing table oh it's lovely dressing table so they're like we won't take that so they bail halfway

through then I have to call and pay through the nose obviously because I was like can you come 15 minutes ago um those guys come they're like we haven't quite you do enough I spent so much money I can't even think about it and if you add in crashing into the car real expensive week no go on tell me wait for it so then oh no it's so inclusive of that like let's just assume the car I I don't know, definitely like over a grand that I wasn't spending on. Yeah, like truly the most expensive day of my life. And then I get to the house with all my stuff.

I'm moving it in. Obviously, I have too much stuff. Obviously, I'm downsizing as I go. Obviously, it's hell. In the midst of all that, I'm like, there's a weird smell. I think there's a weird smell. And they're like, it's an old house. I was like, honest to God. When you get stressed sometimes, I know. You're like, I'm like, I'm sniffing, I'm checking.

Have I leaked? Have I leaked? I'm not you. They're like, it's a damp pressed downstairs. I was like, is it the damp? I clean out the damp cupboard. Charlie Clive cleans out the damp covered. Why am I lying?

Yeah, because you're busy. Charlie Clive, on hanging, yes. Charlie Clive clears out the cupboard. Oh, there's a weird smell. One of the girls who works for me, would you mind getting on your hands and feet and scraping the mould out?

Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Sorry, I've got things to do. She's going water aerobics. Sorry, guys, I've got Pilates. It's for my mental health. It's for my mental health. I get her name.

I wish I was with her at Water Aerobic Go. So then, wait, wait, I haven't slept in so many days. Wait. I call, I'm like, I'm pretty sure it's gas. And everyone's like, I don't think it's gas. I'm like, I'm pretty sure it's gas. I call the emergency place because I'm like, obviously it's fucking gas. They come in there like, that is not a small gas leak.

That's a huge gas leak. We'll be here for the next 48 hours drilling up the path outside your house and coming in and out of the house. I swear to God I could, I don't think I've peed or eaten something in the last 48 hours with a man knocking on my door being like, sorry love, can I just ask you? Because I was like, ah! So then, um... Wait, so the gas leak is outside of the front door?

It was leaking into the house, yeah, so they've stopped that now, which is always a relief. And then the... So then I'm like, okay, cool, the gas leak sorted. And then I plug in the television. And I have to move an armchair to do that. Oh, did you do that yourself? Wait for it, yes. So M, when we were painting, had been like,

I think there's a bit of water under your radiator. And I was like, la, la, la, la, la, I can engage with that right now. By the way, I was painting, too. I wasn't just watching. Yeah, yeah, no, obviously, yeah. Fuck you, M. I was painting, wasn't I? Fuck you, Em. And then...

And then... I'm nodding, but in a really panicked, yes, master way. And then... Hugh Vee, thank you so much. And then I pull the sofa out, and obviously it's... The water has become a problem, so the radiator is leaking. So, you know, big week, and I am... Okay, a radiator leaks easy.

That's just a wrench, right? No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, is the pipe burst? No, it's usually that if it's an old radiator, it's worn, the pieces have worn down enough that you've got holes that are causing leaks usually. No, I know how to tighten a fucking bolt, but yeah, because I learned from him.

But, yeah, so, yeah, so, yeah, so, like, I'm well, I'm fine. How are you, babe? Do you want to, I feel like you've still got more to process. I honestly have so much to say but I'm so tired. I understand that. But I know you don't think I've been doing anything but I have. No, I think you've been very busy. Have you...

Is old flat gone? Is it wrapped up? I have finally relinquished old flat. Oh, so good. I sanded and painted and all touched up all those bits, blah blah blah blah blah. Woke up in the middle of the night being like I forgot two holes. I know I forgot two holes over the door. I hope they don't find them but they probably will. I won't get my

deposit back for ages because you know these things take time. Okay, so you've moved that's, well, this is the thing. You're out of old flat, that's one massive thing. I would just think we'd just quickly check with Andrew. My arms are sorry. Okay. Oh, are they?

Must be all the painting of the ceilings and the fixings of doors. I painted you, motherfucker. No, I understand. And I cleaned every single cupboard in that kitchen. I understand. I don't think you did, because Charlie did the one that was moldy. The kitchen, yeah. I do the kitchen top to bottom.

I do process the freezers. I don't, absolutely. You're like a go-gatter. Andrew. I'm so, this is not what you need right now. But I feel like, We can, you know, yes, you've had a very stressful time, but the celebratory thing is look at how many people

who are willing to work for you. And do you feel happy that you're now settled in the new house with the gas leak? It's the gas leak, sorted. It's the radiators that are still leaking. But I'll tell you this much. I love the three women I've moved in with because they let me cry. They brought me coffee.

Charlie Clive brought me this dress this morning from her saloon wardrobe. And it's such a beautiful dress. And they're so nice to me. Question, what's a saloon wardrobe? Oh, Tarney Clive is taking over Ellen Robertson's old bedroom and turning it into a walk-in wardrobe that has a saloon theme. It's cowboy themed. It's so fucking cool.

This is like the dream house. You know, I've never been inside it. I've only been outside. If you come in a week, it's going to look. It looks already fucking amazing, but it's going to look insane. At what point can I come and not have a job? Oh, in a week. Okay, amazing, yeah.

I don't want to come and do manual labour. Sweet angel, honestly, we're not made for it. We're not made for it. Everything hurts. How do people do these jobs? If you have a builder in you're thinking he's charging it, he's not, he's not. Ellen is working, so it's such hard work. Yeah.

It's not. They deserve every penny and they're amazing and I only feel like myself when I have my nails painted. Has, have we set back feminism so intensely within the last 16 minutes. I've been doing my job while I've been doing all this as well. No, 100%. I, fuck you, man. No, hey, hey now. Let's not lash out a little Helen.

We're all having a lovely time. You get, you cry when I don't feel sorry enough for you. I don't. Because you've had your period and had to make chocky porridge in a week. That's a lot for Helen. I'm just saying maybe like, I'm fine. But I'm doing it all alone. I'm not getting M to come around my flat in the morning to make me chucky porridge because my period hurts.

Like, I'm not hiring two different moving companies to move my stuff. to move my special dressing table. How am I getting it out of the apartment otherwise? Tell me how. I don't know. Get five more lesbian friends over. Like, apparently they can do it all. I'll tell you what.

Send out the bat signal. You're missing a trick because I'll bet you M would make the most amazing talking talkie. Jess lost the cue. Jen Brister. Get the girls around. Oh, Jess would have been golden for this. Actually, oh my God, she would have been amazing. Let's get her on the pod.

Yes, please. And Jen, God, that'd be lovely. Last shout out goes to Sam Nore. who's a listener of our podcast. Hello, Sam. Sam had a week off work and he knew that we were the night we were painting

my living room with Em. Yeah. He met Ellen in the street and I think something about her face said, my girlfriend's a nightmare. Anyway, he brought us a lasagna. He just came over with cider to our house.

Do you know him? Gay people are the fucking best. Yeah, he's Ellen's efficient gay man. Okay, okay, that makes way more sense. I was like, do you mean that you just met someone and they brought you food to your house? I'm giving out my address. And you were just absolutely fine with that.

Like, could you imagine? I see men walking fast and I think gay. Could you make me a lasagna? Just to be clear, if you're listening to this and you are a fan of this podcast, thank you so much. Please keep supporting us. Do not show up to our house with food. Do not do that.

That is genuinely frightening. That is frightening. You need to give more context to these stories. No, I mean, everyone wants a fabulous gay to shop to the house with a lasagna, but you have boundaries and they should be there for good reason. I don't like change No, okay I don't like change

Or unusual systems Or new places Or imperfection And everything's in everywhere But It is now Just a leaky radiator It's so beautiful

Hasn't she done such a good job The bathroom is the nicest bathroom I've ever seen Ever Ever It's amazing You should come over for a bath actually. Our bath is huge. Will you draw it for me and sit and talk to me

well in a minute? I'd love to, genuinely. I'd actually love to. We could do that thing with me and Francis do. I'll get the lesbians over. Helen Bauer is putting on a show in the bath. Good luck. The house would be jammed. You couldn't move. Helen Bauer's going to be rubbing herself stupid in the tub having a little roll around. Do you want to come what?

I can tell tickets and then make the money back for the second set of moves. Yes. I can do my favourite move which is when you put your head under but you're on your front so you're like on all fours in the bath and then you like go down like a cat, and then you just have your bum cheeks poking out of the bubbles. It is the most adorable thing of all time. So, like, all you can see when you look at the bath is little butt cheeks, come on

not little, quite big on me. And then just surrounded my bubbles. Big on you. Yeah, they're big on me. I've got, I bought too big a size of butt cheek. I thought also, as much as I do appreciate, that is adorable. Yeah, it's so cute. Who is your audience?

Francis. Francis gets in the bath with who you see. Francis, Emma Black, Senil doesn't like, who, I have to lock the door. I just wanted to take this platform to apologise to my partner for being a dog shit person and to Em for taking advantage of her friendship

and to Emma Black for not replying to every message and to... You be nice to my Emma Black. And to my mother, who I always was like, oh my God, it's not gas. But thank God she made me superstitious about it because, superstitious, paranoid about it because

good God. And thank you to Serenia. and Charlie for being so nice. And I like to thank all of those women for picking up the slack that I can't do because I went to Germany. Were you in Germany? I had a lovely time. See, no idea.

Absolutely no idea. Oh my God. I was in Germany. I've been touring. I did five different cities last week. Oh, that doesn't sound as bad as mine. Do you want to see the picture of the... Do you want to see the picture?

I was in Leicester, Nottingham, Bristol, Redding, Berlin. But no, yeah. Bookshel. That's lovely, Catherine. Okay, Germany was If I stopped talking or moving, I fall asleep So you have to keep talking Okay, so Germany was really nice

I did a show, I did lots of tour shows last week Which was very long, but I met lots of lovely people Okay, already listed them But I'll do it again Nottingham, Lester, Bristol Redding Berlin Yeah

Like five on the trot I want to go to Berlin to do some gigs I think maybe we could go do a double some time we should do that That'd be sick That'd be really nice I'd be like that That'd be heaven

And then Or a trusty hogs Or trusty hogs Yeah We could do a trusty hogs live in Germany But I would love to go to do some gigs in Germany Okay so what you eat and think delicious I had a cab

Yum Yum Oh my god Did you go to the Christmas markets Are they up yet? They are up I walk past some Weirdly I went to Potts

which is like a really weird place to go Because it's like just tourists right but I was like I left my friend Carmen's place which is like I want to see it's in like Kreutzberg area and I was like I'm just going to go for a walk in the morning because I did my show on the Saturday night which was great thank you so much to everyone who came

and also thank you for your messages the next day I am aware that there were two audience members who were incredibly tricky but thank you for being very nice and saying I dealt with them very well in Deutsch one was German one was English but they were just It was just, they know who they are. They've apologised over message as well.

So like, I think I listen to this podcast. I think so. I think they were just drunk. I think they were drunk. But just as a reminder to everyone, this happens very rarely. Just wait. If you come and see me and Catherine do stand up. If you want to chat, we can chat at the end.

We'll always come out. We've got to leave a venue at some point. Just like really joiny in any. And it was, and they weren't being mean. So it was like you couldn't slam them down. But it got to the point where I just tell them to shut the fuck up like three. times. That's cute. Because I was like having to cut the show as I was going because they were taking up so much time. Can I say this though? I love you so much. I love your enthusiasm. I really

genuinely do. And this is a very small minority of you guys. But also like how lucky we are that they get like messy and enthusiastic. But what I will say is, um, what I will say is when y'all get drunk and you're honestly, the hellens, when the helens come and they do like helen levels of wine. Are we, no. Like, are we saying my helens? Yeah. We're saying this. Yeah. We're saying the hellens of the gang. The Catharines honestly send far too long messages, so I'll concede that, right? But at least they're useful. The hellens, may I say occasionally, shout out during shows, and if I may, can be a little handsy. But I love you. Please support our patron. Just remember that I cannot. No, we have to keep the same. Keep it real. I think we've got to keep it real. And also

just to let people know, like, we massively appreciate your support, but obviously it's tricky sometimes at shows because like we yes we do want to talk to you but we can't do it when we're on stage because there's people who have bought tickets who don't have the context of the podcast so it can be like I would say we're fundamentally different on this score because actually I'd much rather talk to you during the show really and don't really want to touch hands after okay so if you're coming to see either of us talk during Catherine's show during mine Helen's doing our best to focus let a focus and then I will have a drink at the end at the bar.

Oh, that's so interesting. Right? That's so interesting. By the way, speaking of people who are amazing support, I'm the Bedford and Malam. First of all, thank you so much for selling out our live show. That was so much fun. Wasn't it so fun?

And secondly, we got brought an insane amount of gifts that I just can't get over it. Did you see all the cross-stitch we got? Yeah, are you fucking kidding? And we got Swedish prissy pigs. Yes. And we got... I mean, they're literally over there right now.

We got Christmas gifts from Sadie. Sadie. And I, it's just, everyone, so listen, you're amazing. I've also got a stack of gifts there from German hogs, but we will, let's do this all in the extras. And I will tell you about my Sunday and Monday in Berlin, because I did two amazing days. Wait, you went to pots. No, but I went on like this massive walk, and I also did like the best chill day of all time. But I'll tell you in the extras, because we need to bring on our guest. Okay.

Kathleen, you're okay. I love our guest. You've got this. I love our guests so much. I'm going to make you a coffee right now. now. It's so funny. I've been like mainlining it, but it's not making any difference. It's really not. It's really not. I feel like your mainlining and my mainlining are very different. So we're going to go do 10 lines of Coke and we'll see you in a minute with Nish Kumar. Nish Kumar! Thumbtack knows home so you don't have to. Don't know the difference between matte paint finish and satin,

or what that clunking sound from your dryer is. With Thumbtack, you don't have to be a home pro. You just have to hire one. You can hire top-rated pros, see price estimates, and read reviews all on the app. Download today. Hello, welcome to the plugging section. Do not skip.

Do not skip it. On March 2nd next year, I will be doing my show one last time at the earth in Hackney. Pretty cool. It's a massive venue. It's like 700 seats and when you go on the ticket linked by a ticket, which you must, you must, you must, please, it's going to be so much fun. I'm going to be doing a split bill with Olga Cox.

So she'll be doing an hour. I'll be doing an hour. We're going to design some cocktails. It's going to be the ultimate night out. Please join us. Tickets are available now. We are all coming to Leicester on the 10th of February so you can see every single hog as a solo stand up and you can also see trusty hogs live.

Starting at 1230 with Helen's show, then I'm on at 1.30, 2, 2 o'clock at Duffeys. Then Catherine's at 3.30, so you can see us all back to back. Then there's a bit of a gap until Trust Yog's live at 9.45. I'm also doing a work of progress at 830, but prioritise those first four, because that will be your big day out. 10th of February, Lester Comedy Festival. Hydrate. Hydrate on that day. Yes, yeah.

Hello, it's Catherine. Also, please don't skip this. I know it's promo and it's boring, but here I am. I'm going on tour with a show called Again with Feelings. And my tour is going to be in London Soho Theatre for two weeks in March. And then I'm going to Brighton, Oldershot, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Newcastle, Norwich, Winchester, Cambridge, Oxford, Oxford, Oxford, Oxford, Oxford, Oxford, Corsham, Bristol, Coventry, Guildford, Portsmouth, Swindon, Dublin, and again in London. In October, I'm doing a big date at Bloomsbury Theatre.

My point is, I'm trying my best. I'm coming to lots of places. I'd love to see you there. I think the show's pretty damn good. And shout out to all the Hampshire girlies. Please go see Catherine in Pompey and in Oldershot, as we call it. And to support her, I want her to love Hampshire as much as I D. And Winchester? Winchester is in Hampshire, isn't it?

I don't count it. Why am I doing so many dates in, in Hampshire? Because it's a gorgeous county. Isha, you're racist, no. I was just saying that your salt and pepper hair is so sexy, and Helen said it's our fault. It's hanging out with female. I think male comics, you know that thing like aging like a president?

Yeah. I think you guys, with love, thank you so much for being here, and please do talk directly into the mind. She won't let you speak. How do I say this? So, like, so like, I think, like, so a lot of you guys don't have kids and everyone always says, oh, I've gone grey because of the kids. I think it's hanging out with female comics.

I think we're exhausting and tricky personalities, okay? But I think it's so sexy. I actually, I start to trust a man once he goes grey. Really? Yeah. Well, I guess it turns out it's because he has enough female friends apparently. Chloe Petz recently said to me that she thinks one of the things

Ed Gamble and I have in common is that we have a like we have a very high tolerance for strange women that was Did you meet her on the way here? I can't remember when we'd done a gig together and we were, I was telling

Or was it just a text. I was talking about my girlfriend and Chloe just interrupted me to say, I think one of the things that you had to have in common is a very high tolerance of straight women. Welcome to trusty hog!

Look, I'm with you, I can't hang out with the UK female comics for too long because I can't fucking lose my mind as well. The absolute state of all of us. Can we also move away from... I think it's your... Maybe it's just your generation. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, to be fair, Sarah Pasco is very reasonable. We're just the worst. For sure, there's drama with all of them. I think they're quite reasonable gals. What was our group that came in and just fucked you up? I think so. I think, like, Aschling and Catherine and Sarah, they're like a good time.

We're just like, we have 74 problems. Will you light my cigarette? Are you well? Are you doing this gig today? Can I sit on your lap? I already am. Is this consent? You must abide it.

Let's not. If we're working out whether groups of female comedians or groups of male comedians have done more damage, let's not get into, let's not start that conversation. No, let's start it. Let's get the white boards out. Let's do a chart. And it would be a whiteboard.

I think of this point in history, there are very few. It's like male comedians and they're like, like heads of military that have done most damage. But Nish, you did, none of you knew. Heads of military wise. It's terrible. I've been listening to a podcast about the dictator in El Salvador. What's his name now? He changed it halfway through.

He changed it. Do you know? Not Saddam Hussein. but that's exciting, that's a new podcast to help. What, this is a new Saddam Pod? Yes. Saddam Hussein part one, son of the alleyways. Saddam Hussein part two,

Enforcer, front man, mafia godfather. What podcast app are you on? Oh, real dictators on the Noiser Network. It's very good. It's hosted by Paul McGahn. Paul McGahn. The Doctor Who? Yeah, he loves dictators now.

It's like his thing. And let me say this, her heart take on all of it is, oh, they've had a terrible time. Oh, it's been bad in the world, Nish. Like, you think you know dictators, but they are, they've done some awful things. I know you think you were political, but Helen's actually recently found out about the news, and she's there got some pretty interesting opinions. Like, capitalism might be terrible.

I know my dad rung me for the first time last week to discuss the news with me. How would we know that? Because he always just calls my dad, and he called me and he went, did you hear about David Cameron? And I was like, yes, I did. I felt like such a good daughter. Because of your recent interest in the news? Yes. Oh, that's nice.

Well, I don't like the news. Awful time. But I've just got really into it, like, just in general. I absolutely, absolutely love that Helen Bauer has recently got into the news. Yeah. Have you heard of Marcias Nguema? I have not. Oh, listen, learn about him.

He did awful things in El Salvador. As did the Spanish. Hell, you don't have to shout my love. The Spanish. It's the mic. It's a microphone. So are you opening conversations at the moment by going, guys, has anyone read the news recently?

Every day. Shit is crazy out there. I went back to Hitler's bunker on Sunday just to see it. You went back to Hitler's bunker. I've been a couple of times because, like, no one knows where it is, but I do. What do you mean? No one knows where it is.

No, because it's not like a thing because it's like, it's just a car park, right? And there's a tiny sign. But like, I know exactly where it is. So I was like, well... But people do not. It's not a secret location that only you have access to.

I never thought we'd invite you on and I'd watch Helen steal your personality in front of you. I love the fact that I recently went back to Hitler's bunker. What's your favourite news era? I'm up to the mid-90s. But don't, like, just like, what do you think?

I'm not going to spoil the result of the 1997 election for you. No, it's Tony Blair! Woo-hoo! It's Tony Blair, and then a couple of months later, Diana died, and that got him even more in favour because Alistair wrote the phrase the People's Princess

and then everyone thought that he was reflecting the morning of the country particularly while the Queen was unprecedented in Balmoral that sort of laid a shift away from the royal family

but everyone else doesn't know but I know these things now everyone knows about Diana that's the one thing we can all agree yeah but they don't know what actually happened so do we all know

they send us the merch wait in your news person what do you think did actually happen when Diana on the 31st of August 1997 I mean I But she did tragically pass away. But how?

What do you mean? Nish. How did she? She doesn't the car accident. Yeah, but like. Oh, oh, the other of, well, listen, if you talk to, I've actually been doing stand-up about this recently. No! No, as in, if you, but basically, for some reason, every South Asian woman over the age of 60 loves Princess Diana.

Yeah. Like, they are obsessed with her. God bless them. And under the age of 60, have you ever spoken to Z. Cindy Vee about her? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I think, I guess just everybody likes Diana.

I also read a review of the crown. I haven't watched any of the crown because I, to be absolutely fair, have very little interest in propaganda. And the history of the cousin fuckers. But like, it gets really good. But the new series, apparently Diana's ghost is in it. And I was like, oh, hell yeah. I'm definitely watching the Diana's ghost series. That's like, take some edibles watch that series.

That's like, let's see the ghost. Okay, let's do this thing. Apparently, she dies in the first couple of episodes. Spoiler alert, warning. She dies at the first couple of episodes. Because she was having a Muslim baby and the queen put a hit on her. Tell me she wasn't pregnant. Tell me she wasn't pregnant. Tell me that's how the racism goes

in the royal family. Tell me she wasn't. There were so many cameras on the tunnel that night and they were all switched off within 20 minutes of the accident occurring. Coincidence? I can't believe you've become a tired and a truce. Become. Become. I was born at Diana, Truth.

I was in Paris that night on a family holiday. What? I was born for this. Wait, you were in... Yeah, family holiday. In Paris. Sex. Right.

Yeah. I'm very involved in the incident. So you, do you feel some primal connection? Because you were in the same city as well. I think if you speak to any South Asian women over 60, they would 100% agree with you. We'd have a nice cry in a whole. They wouldn't even, you could just, the stand up that I do,

which I think is like is pretty accurate is you could literally just go, they killed her, no context, then they'd go, I think it was Philip.

Like, genuinely, like that is the extent to which... Yeah, because Philip had the most responsibility because he was the one that brought her in because of the stag.

You don't know about the stag? Why? It's kind of a thing. It's kind of a thing. You should do your research. Of all of the things I thought we would kick this conversation off with,

I don't think I thought it would be... Oh, sorry, how are you? That wasn't the kickoff. That was actually dictatorships and else I'm going to listen to that Dicto podcast. It sounds really good. Which one she listens to so many. I can't believe I'm saying this but I need just sitting closer to your microphone because otherwise I'm

Yeah, I know. I'm worried because I'm genuinely worried that I'm too loud. But I forgot what podcast I'm so sorry. I truly forgot who I was on a pod. I always sit back on it because I'm normally the loudest person by some degree. Why are you looking at me? Look at her. What? You're looking at me not in the loud person. Whispery McPenian. Oh my God, my new drag name.

My mother's name is, Hey, listen, what happened to your hand? Here's what happened to my hand. I sat on it while I was playing a game of football. Huh? On the subs bench? No, no. Let's, right, first of all, let's deal with the assumption

that I was on the subs bench. Well, you said you were sat down. The worst case scenario is, like, the best case scenario is you're on the subs bench. Worst is that you're sitting down during the match to have a rest? I was in goal, and here's the thing. I was over, I'm very bad in goal, but everyone has to go and goal because there's not enough.

Everyone has to rotate. Also, presumably, bad in all the... I am, and this is not my words. These are the words of several people who I play football with. If it opens it surprisingly. Better than you would assume. Better than you would assume. But here's the problem.

I had let a goal in because I was abusing my friend because I play with all comedians and so the principal, like football is like the secondary piece of information. The primary reason you're there is to slag people off for their specific career decisions. So I was sorry to abuse at somebody and a ball just dropped in over my head. And so I think I was overcompensating. You could just get rosé, you know. I know. But it's like, it was Luke McQueen was like bearing down on God.

He was like running towards me and he went, like he was going to shoot to my right. And then at the last minute he cut across the ball and it went across my body. And I saved it with the bottom of my foot. I threw my entire body weight the other way. And it was the greatest moment of my athletic career. And then it immediately plummeted to the worst life. Because as I saved it with my foot, I overbalanced. And my full just left butt cheek.

collapsed my hand. You crushed your hand with your own ass. I crushed my hand with my own ass. And then the worst thing about it was that I didn't know that I broke it. Because apparently if you break fingers and toes, this is my great public service announcement. If you think you've broken your finger

or you think you've broken your toe, you've definitely broken your finger or your toe. So then the next week, I was shooting a TV show with Josh Whittickham that I've been doing. And like, and there was... Josh Whitakim, he's one of the male comedians that I think escaped interacting

with your generation of female comics. No, no, he's got no great... I know he had Rosie Jones. I'm so sorry. No, he'll get you in the end. He's been hit with us. But if you have kids, you don't have to hang out with us anymore. Oh, yeah, that's the rules.

You're fine. You're having a nice time. You're having a nice time, Nish. Happy, happy, happy, happy. I feel like a dog that's about to be taken off a child. You're okay. It's something because I feel, I think if we're more as like a dog who can't be around children or dogs.

I don't play well with others. But put me with a cat, we're in a great time. Actually, we're not. I'm allergic. Carry on. Okay. Anyway, when I was doing, there was a medic on set, and she said, you've broken your finger, so that I went to A&E on the Isle of White, and the doctor tried to pull the finger out of its socket.

And I refused pain medication because I thought I had a high pain threshold, genuinely. I thought I had a high pain threshold because I hadn't noticed that I'd broken. I was like, let's do it. Let's get it done. Fainted. Of course he did. Straight down. That's Victorian.

I know. It was unbelievable. Why would you not? I don't know. I wouldn't take it either. Men are crazy. It was so weird. You want to prove that you can do it. It was just, no, it was that weird thing where you go, well, it can't have hurt that much if I haven't noticed that it was broken.

But obviously. To reset your hand. It was. It was deranged stuff for me. No. Shame. Yeah, it is a real. It is a real shape.

But also there was like, it was this weird thing. There was like a flash of light. And then I was like, in a Mike Lee film. Like I was sat at a kitchen table with Brenda Blethen Like secrets and lies Like it was so weird And then I came back to And like I think that

I think this reveals how Like at my core I'm very like fundamentally quite arrogant person Like really like in a way that you can't really learn from anything else Because I basically she was like The doctor was shaking me and I was like Can I help you? Like she had inconvenienced me

It was it's astonishing stuff Wow Yeah, it reveals a lot, doesn't it? So then I had to have an operation on it because I had left it for too long. But now, amazingly, the cast that it's in is this very heavy-duty blue number, but it's actually because it's getting better

and so it's to force me to move it from the knuckle. Otherwise, I will... Otherwise, I'll only... Sorry, it's move the joint because otherwise I'll move the whole finger from the knuckle and I'll never stop. Yeah, and that's your mic hand. You don't want to lose that.

Is it? Yeah, me too, actually. I don't know why I said that. Do you? I'm all right. You're all right? All right. Yeah, all right, and I put my left on my hip usually. Yeah, yeah, that's a bow heart start.

I can see that, yeah. You want to scratch with this, like, you know, when you're sort of like, how often are you getting scratchy on stage? During an hour, like several times. Oh, I always pat my stomach on stage. I'm self-pilsbury doughboy. Oh, I scratch my head. Like, I'm always itching something.

That was itching. We must be close to an interval. You do that one. You do go into under your brass shop a lot. I do. I think she needs to wash that bra. I do. How did you know?

I just, there's a particular it you do, and I think that's got to wash. I like to push it to its very limits. I know you do. You'd like to push your bra to its very limited. Just clothing in general. You wash it just the day beyond it should have been, maybe a week beyond it. You know, like, you know when it's stiff? I do the same with her.

You think, good God. The only thing that I keep regularly that I'm very on top of is the washing of my underwear and socks. So here's a tricky thing. At our place, we've got a new washing. machine so I'd one broke. Genuinely surprised. Genuinely thought that I never washed my underbats. That is better than I thought you would be.

We have to wait to have a full, full wash before we put a wash on. Why? Because it doesn't spin and drain if it's not heavy enough in the drum. It's just a weird thing. I think your washing machine is broken, Helen. It can't be. I think Sunil is gas-lighting you. No, but Sunil found it out, but he refuses to do shared washes with me.

The fact that you live with Sunil Patel, isn't it crazy? It's the most central casting sitcom double act. Like, it's almost like, if somebody was like, quickly, we need a flash air sitcom. The two of the first names I would conjure would be, well, Bauer and Sunil. That won't make any sense, yeah. What fun it'll be to watch them clash. What's good is we always have a TV show at any one time that we can watch together, which bonds us. What are you watching at the moment?

Oh, my God. Chowcesterscu, the crimes of the Romanian general. Is that a really a thing? Is that TV? Okay, no. I would love to see that, yeah. No, we're currently obsessed with banged up. Have you seen it?

Oh my God. Tom Rosenthal's on it. Yeah. Tom Rosenthal and Johnny Mercer, the MP. Yeah. I haven't seen it. Sorry, is this where the people go into prison as a social experiment? It's my new favourite Channel 4 format and they do some really good ones.

Okay. So it's a prison that was closed down in 2013 and they're like, let's reopen it, put convicts in there and get real prison guards and put in a couple of celebrities. No, that's not right. So do you know how overcapacity our prisons are? Like it's a really, really incredibly serious problem. You have to watch it, though. The fact that we've got a prison and it's like, well, they can't stay there because we've got Tom Rosenthal, someone from EastEnders and Johnny Mercer.

It's so bad. Oh, Shane Richie going in was my favourite. Where's Bianca? Where's Bianca? And he's like, all right, man, damn. It's like, you can't. Shane Richie walked in. Someone shouted, where's Bianca.

And he said, all right, man, damn. My favourite is they put in a pop star, really young little popsy. Star, very, very sweet. And he's sharing a room with this guy and he's like, I've never met a Muslim before. Oh my God. What is happening? How is this TV right now?

It is so weird. But also truly the prison system is fucked. Yeah, so low. And they put in that daily mail writer. The one that always like, Peter Hitchings. And he's always like, oh, like they all deserve it because they're inherently evil and all these liberal people think that they were just like misunderstood or the socioeconomic situations.

It's like, yeah, there literally is a massive problem with prison and socioeconomic situations. course there is, we all know that. Peter Hitch is on the right of the daily mail, to be clear. He's insane, and he's gone in there, and, like, literally, he was given a job because they were like, like, we need to, like, do something with him. So he was, like, handing out sandwiches, and immediately someone was like, how do I know you haven't spat on this? Go on try yourself, try it!

Fucking shove it in his face, do it. Beat the shit out of him. It is, like, it is increasingly, when you watch old 30 rock episodes, which I often do, me too, when you see things like, Milf Island and Are You Smart than a Dog, you're like, we are six months away. We're there. I think there is a version of Milf Island. I would watch that.

How long can you hold the yogh and your mouth running up all the stairs? And then you've got to come shot at the end. There's a Milf Island equivalent, which is that there's like, there's that, the dating show with the sons and the moms. I think that's what it is. I remember when they launched it, some people started on Twitter were like, oh, this is real life Milf Island. Wait, wait.

America's Next Hot Pirate. Are you smarter than a dog and Milf Island? These are all 30 rock joke shows that I guess we're going to work. But we were talking about what's it called masks, singer is that shit. It's like, let's take famous singers and make them pretend that they don't know what they're doing in costumes. You know what? Are you smaller than a doll?

It's good material. It's good material. I'm worried that. Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. I was worried that you weren't laughing at the joke, but you had fully realized the concert. One, two, three. It'd be so good.

like humans learning how to stay and not eat I'm like wait that's me when we get when people send in gifts here it's usually food and Helen has it open like with her mouth before we can even be like hold hold wait share wait wait so the hog what do you call your fans

the hogs the hogs have sent in they send in pigs usually they send in edible pigs it's delicious wait you've heard of Percy pig oh I think about bacon just sausages Please do send us meat products actually

We've never had that No because sometimes we leave this office Empty for two weeks Please do not post meat products To the heart Actually don't send meat to quote throughout your rock I've got the meat I just need a lift

Jenna's mom Come on that's good stuff Every week on this podcast I wish it was new I have such a Like such a strong memory Of running into Boja outside the Bill Murray

and he was when we were on our way in, you were on your way to do I can't believe you're talking about this story because you're going to talk about and I will have such different takes on this No, because my, Mike, I was doing a live hogs. The main thing that I remember about is I texted you afterwards and said,

how was the gig? And you said, Helen got her tit out after a minute. That does not feel right. What's wild is I'm like, oh, was that the same night? Because that could be a few. What I remember about it? that is being very annoyed at one of our listeners because people came to the Trusty Hugs Live,

which was amazing. And we met outside the Bill Murray, and it was just after you'd left MASH. Yeah. And a man met us outside and was like, was like so, the thing is, okay, having supported you on tour and having, like, spend time in, like,

on the streets of London with you, people are truly vile to you. Like, I actually, like, and listen, I'm not nice to you, but these people are, they don't even know you, they haven't bought you a coffee. or anything

and they're horrendous to Nish so he like we'll be walking down the street and if people recognize me

they're like hey your podcast nice if they recognize this they're like I have a I need to tell I got

you and it's like that's your opening outfit wow but this guy was like why are you leaving it just got good

the first few seasons were shit and blah blah blah blah and I had to be like hey man I didn't have to be

but I did niche was being like it's so funny that you think you're arrogant because in those situations you're so nice you're like, thank you so much for watching.

Really appreciate the sport. It's so cool that you're making. Honestly, Nish is like, I totally understand. I was like, hey, man, he's just trying to walk down the fucking street and people are all. Just go inside. If you're coming to the game, go inside. I was so, I was so, I was so angry. I was so angry.

I will say that you, for like, for all the negatives of dealing with your group of female comedians, we also get a lot of positives out of everything. I would say the positives. massively outweigh the negatives. And one of the key positives is you do look after us like your sad children. I made to kneel dinner last night. Exactly.

There you go. So there you go. He's happy. He's happy. We watched a couple episodes banged up. He has this curry. He's having a lovely time. You made him a curry? Tiger and curry.

Yeah. With tofu. Did he like it? He just grump. He just makes him. It's fine. Like, he doesn't like, yeah. But like that's him enjoying it.

That's his most positive. That's the most positive he's like capable of me. I don't not hate it. I don't not hate it. Thank you. Shout, fucking fucking thank you, Ellen.

Okay. Love you too, love you, love you, whatever, but I'm going to my room. I'm going to my room. I want them to marry,

obviously. Of course. We all want that to happen. Yeah, wouldn't that be the best ending? Yeah, would be the each getting married would be the best.

It would be the end of Sinell. It would be... He'd have given up with that one. He'd have given up on life at that point. And I love him enough to not want him to go through this. I want that.

deserve more. I love you enough to not marry you. I love you enough to never lock you down with that. Because he lives in fear he's going to lock himself in his room. Like hiding. That's because you keep going in when he asks you not to. Just to say hello. You told me it was to take leaves out of

his room. I went in once to take a leaf out of his room and I was got a whole bit of stand up about, I don't want to talk and talk about it. Who has a leaf under their bed? Who has a leaf under their bed? Even I don't have leaves under my bed. But why did you know that? Because I saw it

Because I was Under the bed I was having a tantrum Lying in the corridor flat And I could see Into his room Into his bed Because I was having a tantrum

Because I was having a tantrum I'm allowed to have tantrums And lie down I'm allowed to I don't understand Why are you having a tantrum I don't know Something pissed me off probably

Something probably pissed me up Why did you lie down As if no one here ever lies down to have a tantrum. Hello? So wait, you have a tantrum and you have to be like, I must be. Well, you know, you're just sort of like, oh, my God. Oh, the, oh, the, the noose.

Say that you just lie on the life. Yeah. And then you're stamping your feet and legs. Yeah. And then you see a leaf under there and you're like, get the leaf out? Yeah. And he's like, you're having a tantrum. We can wait.

The leaf can wait. So then I'm trying to get under his legs to get to the leaf and he's like blocking it. So you're having a tantrum. He's just sat on his bed going, I guess this is Tuesday. Yeah. Yeah. And you, and you, And what were you have,

can you remember what you were having a tantrum of a bell? Could it have been anything. Like I honest, I don't remember this was months ago. But like it could be anything. How often do you have to have a lie down

to deal with your tantrum? Monthly. Maybe monthly. Yeah. Because there's just so much going on in the world. I saw, I saw Helen fight, like physically fight senile

to try to get into his room to eat chocolate he'd been sent. No, if this is the cookie again, you know that 50% of that was technically mine. You and I both know that. And he was, I can't believe he locked it into his room. He's got mice in there.

Then he was, like, locking food in his room. Yeah, he said to me yesterday. He got his pack of biscuits from his mum, so we didn't even pay for them. And I was like, can have a biscuit? And he went, no, not until tea time. And I was like, okay, whatever. And then at tea time, he gave me one and then took the pack into his room. I was like, are you fucking joking?

But on that same visit, he discovered that you'd eaten all of his magnums out of his freezer. And then you said, because he ain't mine. No. You never said. See the other side of this might have been the tantrum. We have a lot of fights over ice cream in the freezer. The thing is... Because I believe in sharing and he doesn't...

It does feel like the film Misery. But I can't decide who is Kathy Bates and who is James Kahn. Either way, I'm the pig. I'm misery. Who's the pig? Misery is the pig. The name of the pig in the film. Is it?

Everyone refers to this film, but they have not seen it. The pig is called misery. You're the only person who thinks of misery as being the film with the pig. It's the pig. It's the pig film. It's the pig film. It's like babe. It's a prequel to babe. Oh my God. He's fine. So you never tantrum lying down. No, I never tantrum lying down. You never tantrum. But how do you tantrum there? Well, you've seen me do stand up. My career is one extended tantrum. Do you ever have a tantrum when you like stub your toe? Yeah, I think if, I think he has a really high pain threshold actually. Can he help you? I wouldn't faint. That'll be mad.

Just straight out. I am technically horizontal, but not for the same reasons as it. I think if you interview my girlfriend, yeah, she would talk to you about my tantrums. I do. Occasion she's like, fucking out. Like, she just hears that comfortable living.

What the fuck? And she used to do an impression of me when I lose my keys. And I then actually, I then just wholesale to hold on stage. But it was her impression of me when I can't find anything is, I can't find my keys.

Where are my keys? My parents were right. That's the three stages. She's like, that's the three stages of your tantrum. She's like, I can see it in your eyes. How quickly it goes. I can't find my keys. Where are my keys?

My parents were right. Bang. I would highly recommend getting on the floor by the time you get to the third section. I really would. Just give it a go next time. It is so, it's like childlike moment. What, just to lie flat on the floor?

I'll send to Neil around a few. He's very calming. You went to say cathartic and then didn't back yourself. I panicked. What does cathartic mean? It felt right. It was completely correct. So what is it?

Is it like, it's like a nostalgia for a feeling? No, catharsis is like a sort of emotional release. Yeah. Oh, I'm so smart. And I don't believe in me. You're right. You're right. Catharsis.

Yeah. You're right. Hey, Mish, what are you up to? Well, let me just say this. First of all, I'm having a great time. We're having a lovely time. Also, let's be honest. You're the first male comedian to say that on this podcast.

They always look so tired at the end This is also going better than the last time I did this podcast Oh my God, yes! Oh, because you fucking told all my secrets! Jesus! Do you remember we did a light show? Trust the holds live in Edinburgh. Yeah, and I was like, la la la la, just talking about stuff.

I'd said to Helen, at backstage I said, Helen, you are not to talk about it. I didn't think I had to say it to Nish Kumar, grown man, mature man, sensible man. Cheeky boy! I said, hey, hey, Helen, he's a cheeky little boy. Do not mention who I'm kissing or that I'm kissing on stage. I'm not getting into it. We're on stage approximately 30 seconds and Nish is like, yes, you I saw with the kiss of kiss, kissy, kissy in the middle of the bar last night.

And I was like, shut the fuck out, man. It was you. It was, I think it's the first time I've seen you genuinely discomfited. I was read from my belly point to forehead. We could do it now, if I was like, it's so much fun. Shut the fuck off. I'm not a virgin, that's my brand. But yeah, sorry about that.

Your brand do you think is virgin? I think no, but I do think I seem to uptight to have sex, so it's kind of the same thing. Wow, you are so off your own brand. Really? Yeah. You are like definitely not one of the versions. Yeah, for sure.

Oh yeah, but that's a different thing. That's like me and Helen going, I think our brand is deadpan. I think our brand is like low-key deadpan keeps everything pretty reserved, keeps everything on the inside. I like the audience to make their own jokes up and I'll just give them facts. That's what I do.

I go on and I go, who's your favourite dictator? Let's Rick. I've seen you do that. Yeah, but it goes dark really quickly. People do not like that crowd work. Where my warheads are, it's my favourite catchphrase. Where's my warheads at? But people just don't want to discuss it.

And you know what? I said part of it, I think, is because I've got German heritage. I think people get awkward. Okay. You are so used to defending yourself. I'm on stage in Germany at the weekend. I went, who's a fan of war? And it was tense.

In Germany? In Germany. They haven't had war in ages. I know, but... It was a big one. It was a big one. It was a big one. It was a bit...

No one's saying it wasn't a big one. You need to stop now. It was a while ago. I'm going to say this now. You were on stage in... Where were you in Germany? Berlin. You were on stage in Berlin.

You just come from Hitler's fucking basement. No, I went there the next day. Bunker, bunker. Do you know what my... favourite story about Hitler's Grave is. Oh my God. The bunker. Groucho Marx was in

Berlin and he asked the driver to drive him to the bunker and the driver was like, okay, fine. And they drove him to it, drove him to it. Groucho Marx got out of the car and completely somber face went on to Hitler's grave and danced to Charleston. Like on the bunker where he got, danced to Charleston

and then just got back in the car and apparently just looked like ashen face throughout but was dancing the Charleston because he wanted to dance on Hitler's grave. Fucking hell. That's incredible. Incredible. It's such a...

It's one of my favourite stories. I absolutely love the fact that. That'll be Seneal when you die. Amazing. Passion face, but still. A jive. A jive. He would never dance the chastard.

He doesn't have the energy. He will when you die, though. You'll have all that sugar rush from the ice cream. He's finally late to ease. It's also. Oh my, you know what, I'm not, I'm not doing it. If I bring an ice cream and he eats it, I'm allowed to eat his.

He's got to learn how to share. He's got, he, he, people do need to learn how to share. Yes. You have to learn how to share it. And I'm growing still. What do you mean you're growing? I'm growing. Have you had a growth spurt?

Yeah. Imagine if the next time I see you, you're like six for five and you're like, I fucking told you. I'm growing. That's why she smoked so much just to keep it up there. You're balancing out your ice cream growth spurt with cigarettes. I think it'll be really tricky to. go through life any taller than six foot one, if I'm

honest. Yeah, I would say so. Yeah. I was pretty worried about, do you know Helen's conspiracy theory that old people don't live? Tall women die younger, because how many times have you seen a really old tall woman? But isn't that because they, we all slightly shrink as we get older? Not that much.

Like, have you ever seen a really old woman over 5'11? Yeah, I think we just I think we get to 60 and gone. What? Exploding. Yeah. Spontate. So your contention is that tall women spontaneously combusted 60. And I don't want that for me. So I'm smoking.

And cringing. Deliberately shrink yourself so you don't die. I have no way of either supporting or contradicting what you're saying. I don't know the medical data. Just support then. That's what she does. That's what she does. She plays the counterfactual so that you always have to be like, I guess.

And then you feel crazy. Maybe you are. Maybe you're both mad. You can't believe you're gaslighting us. live on the podcast. She's the Donald Trump podcast, for sure, for sure. I have not got to him in the news yet. Don't tell me anything.

As far as I could say, he's the man from Home Alone too. And very good in it. Very good. No, I know he gets elected at some point, but how? I think it's... He aspires the press say before him. You know, the catchphrases from the news, but you don't know the context.

I know grabbed by the pressee, but like, why? You know what I mean? Like I only saw The Matrix for the first time this year But I kind of knew it Just like from like Osmosis There are news Catchphrases from the news

What are the key catchphrases from the news Grab them by the pussy She thinks she thinks just grab them Grab them What is it? Grab them I think it's grab her Yeah Grab it by the pussy

Donald Trump is not a huge fan of the gender neutral Plowdown Yeah And there were three of us in that marriage So it was a little crowded You actually sort of went a bit Diana You even slightly moved your head in the way that she does It's a little crowded

What are the other ones Okay, so the Berlin Wall falling sounds That's the catchphrase, is it? Like, I'm Berlin, that's a completely different Yeah, but it's like that's a catchphrase from the news That is a catchphrase of the news That is actually a catchphrase of the news. Oh, what other catchphrases are there?

Now over to the weather. That's what she says when I'm allowed to talk on the podcast. It's 10 o'clock. This is BBC News. A horrible time and hole today. Is this what your news podcast is like? It's exactly like this. I would...

Oh, do you need a guess? I think I would definitely... I would happily watch an hour of you trying to improvise news. The catchphrases is like. of the news, I would happily watch that. There's a reshuffle in the Tory cabinet this afternoon. Very good. That one's pretty common.

Yeah, it was amazing how quickly though, we got to and now the weather. We basically got JFK, Diana, Donald Trump and then we needed to go to the weather. Well, what are your favourite news catchphrase? I don't think I've ever thought of it in those terms. The stakes are higher for Nish. Okay, what's your favourite walk?

Because you can say them, but if he says him, he's in the daily mail. Leave him alone. Leave that man alone. No, he's banged up at the moment. He can't write nothing. Oh no they pre-recorded it It's not live Never mind Don't say anything

But you're doing Pod Save the UK Prince Andrew is visiting No That's like visiting his brother At Buckingham Palace That one gets in the news bit Prince Andrew yeah

I don't think he's trying to let Nish Tell us if he's going on tour Or what he's off to But no please I like catchphrases I know and we must We must We must

I don't know why Every time I try to do the chat we planned We'll just It's discussed in advance, and then I sound like such a killjoy because I'm like, hey, Nish. What are the planning discussions? I would love to have an insight into the planning conversation. We were meant to 20 minutes in, and we are now 47 minutes in. That's not amazing. It goes quick. It really does go quick. We were meant to say, hey, niche, what kind of problem solver? What kind of advice giver are you?

What kind of advice giver? I guess, like, not. Not a bad one. I'll give it a go. I'll give giving advice a go. I think you're very philosophical when it comes to advice. You're generally much more like generous with the other side than I am.

You're like Carl Marx. Wow, well, what a happy coingeting that might definitely unplanned segue takes us to the premise of the podcast where people ride in with their problems and they're all dictators. Do you guys refer to yourself as the Hogs as well? Because I don't know if I've ever told you this, but I do...

Do you think of us as the hogs? Yeah, I do think of you too as the hogs. I do as well, actually. I think we're all hogs. Yeah. We're not better than them. Yeah. We're the same.

The hogs, you're all hogs. You can be a swine. I'm misery the pig. Yeah. No, that is Helen. But would you help us solve a problem from a listener? Okay. Just a little side note, because sometimes the tonal shift jars men.

Yeah. And I do mean men. Catherine, we've already done so many tonal shifts. I don't think anything's going to jarring. This shift is sincere, which is wild sometimes. So sometimes we'll be screaming, as you've been here. And then we'll go to the problem, but they are all beautiful, earnest, often young lesbians. And so the problems will be sincere.

Right, yeah, yeah. To warn you in advance to, like, disentangle yourself from Helen, take a breath, and you don't have to match her madness. Listen, listen, we've all seen the one show. We've all seen the ultimate tonal shift. Two of the key pieces of British television are there's one of the one show links where they go from, And that dog could really bark the national anthem. Cancer affects one in two of them. That's how the one show works.

It's a magazine show where the presenters have to literally flip from a dog who could do like a passable impression of the prime minister to a story about a child who's very, very ill. Imagine if one of the presenters was barking with the dog and the other, and then they had an interaction that was to last a 20 minutes that went, we've got to talk about cancer. We've must. Where will you let me talk?

Cancer time. If you two hosted the one show, I'd watch every day I'd watch every day I would genuinely love to once I've completed the news I'll know everything and we can do it

The one show is you don't need to know about the news No No it's not It's like a magazine show But there's one of the key pieces of British television Is when Mel Brooks was on it

And there's one of those links And you can just hear Mel Brooks Go this is a crazier show On television Like Mel Brooks A man who has been in show business For about 80 years Thought that the one show was

genuinely strange. Andrew, can you write down Mel Brooks to try to get him on the pot? Oh, Mel Brooks would fucking love this. Okay, we're ready for the problem, Andrew. It's a very old man. I think we'd kill him. Oh, yeah, yes.

Well, I have a choice of problems. A parental issue, a flat-sest issue, or a workplace dispute. What was the second one again, sorry? Flat-sest. As in flat-in-sest. Oh, people boning their roommate. Sorry, did you?

I thought it was quite quite. I've never heard the phrase flat cess before. So, like, you're sleeping with someone you live with? Flatcess, yeah. That might be a little close to home for you, Nish. So if you don't want to do flat cess... I guess I am technically committing flat sest. I mean, we would...

Yeah, with my girlfriend, yeah. But do you want flat sest? Do you want workplace problem, or do you want... Parental issue? But let's go workplace. I knew it. I knew it's so predictable. All right, come on.

Okay. I'm going to say right now. Quit. Oh, you know what? No, you know what? No, no, let's go flatcess. No, let's go Flat Sest. I do want to hear about Flat Sest.

Also, listen, I've increasingly understood that people find it funny to talk to me about sex, okay? Because I did Sarah Pascow and Carrie Ad Lloyd's podcast. The reading one. Yeah, and Sarah Pascar said, we picked a book that has loads of sex in it because we think it'll make you really uncomfortable. What was it? I'm a fan by Shida Patel. Oh, yeah, that is. They were correct.

I love that book. Yeah, it was, I really like the book. Colin Hart and me. Yeah, did you love it? It was really good. It was a lot of chat about the old. Popping it in. Oh gosh.

Andrew, we're going to revert to the word say, probably. And I find it easier to thumb, but each to their own. Am I right, niche? We're all having fun. The catchphrase of this podcast is we're all having fun.

And it's to be said whilst making unblinking eye contact. And patting. You're saying, it's on place. You're having a nice time. You might not remember, but you are. All right, Andrew, let's go If any sex references come up

I will substitute it for popping it in Popping it in Thank you, Andrew Thank you soon Popping it in or giving it a rub Ah ha ha ha ha We worked out the other week That like it depends on the size of your clit

Whether it's a rub or a scrub Ha ha ha ha ha ha Remember I said your mum had a Yeah because she was like the palm Yeah Rub or scrub The new feature on the hogs I rub

Talk about my mother one more time on this podcast Go on Does your mother listen? Does she fuck? She has a nice life She's not ruining it for this The woman's almost made it to retirement She wants to live

Go on This is from N Hi, En I have a daughter with Emma I'm currently in my second year of uni And I'm living with five other girls Here we guys One of them is my best friend

That I met in Fresh's week And we've been inseparable ever since Sometimes you live with other women When you're 35 Go on We are so close compatible me and my best friend. In many ways...

Wait, one of the five is her best friend. Yes. Yeah. We're talking about it in many ways and have bonded over similar secondary school experiences as women who like women and have found great comfort each other in the past year. Oh, comfort in each other, is it? Do you reckon that's code for sex?

Popping it in, yeah. I think they're popping it in for comfort. I have been slowly developing feelings for her, and I think she may have too. She is currently taking a month out of uni due to medical issues and so has been at home and I've missed her fiercely. which has made me come to terms with the severity of my crush. The main issue is that she is my flat mate, and I'm worried if I tell her how I feel and she doesn't feel the same,

it could blow up in my face and make it awkward for everyone involved. Oh, sorry, blowing up in your face is bad in this context. EEO! Popping it in. I'm so sweaty, but I'll a high five, you tap you. I'm sorry. That was the most relaxing high five I've ever participated in. I was really upsetting to watch, actually.

It's because I'm so warm, because I keep thinking about all the stuff I have to do. go on Would you like to take advice from a woman who's currently overheating due to stress a woman whose body is cooking her

because of admin that she has to do That's my life Isn't you? Oh dear Kathleen Sometimes when you're talking about dictators I make shopping lists Go on We don't lie

History will repeat itself Who said that? You just now No it's like a phrase is a catchphrase. She doesn't know. Gandy. Yeah, I said it.

Maybe Gandy. Go on. Maybe Gandy. It was one of the big boys. It was one of the big boys. For sure. One of the big ones. Not physically big, but like big.

Like, you know, you know him. He was hungry, Ellen. I'm not saying physically big. Like, big as in like, you know him, you know. One of the big boys. It was, um. Mandela. Gandy.

Who was it? MLK. George Santiana. The philosopher in right. She's not even close. Yeah, not one of the big place. Yeah. I'm really great work.

I'm medium gay. Go on. On the other hand, if we did get together and our flatmates, maybe uncomfortable with the idea of us dating. On top of all this, she is moving to Japan next year, and so I'll not see her for the whole year. So this person is in their second year, right? Yeah. Oh, so there's quite a lot of the year left.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. However, as soon as I do graduate, I will not be staying in England. Being Irish, I want to get the hell out as soon as possible. Oh, the old reverse bow heart I'm pretty sure that she won't make the first moves As she knows I am also asexual

And may be concerned with making me uncomfortable And is probably unaware that I have feelings for her anyway Should I ask her out while we're still living together Wait another year until she's back from Japan Or do nothing at all Help please from N You've got to say something You've got to say something

I think everyone could have predicted Bauer was going to say you want to say something You do. I'm, it's, it, this is going to torture you if you don't. And obviously, yes, it's going to be an awkward conversation and there are so many different caveats to it, but at least find out if it's reciprocated. At least no. Because like, you know that thing of like being in like, you're like early 20s or late teens

and you really fancy someone you have the guts to say it and it just tortures you for ages? Yeah, it's like, it drives you mad. I would say as somebody who spent most of their late teens to mid-20s, in a state of chronic yearning. I would say that that is not... I hate to use a phrase that normally is associated with farts, but I'm afraid it's better out than in.

It's better out than in. It took me so long to learn that I did that yearning thing as well. They'll notice, like, there'll be a sign, there'll be a moment, there'll be a thing. And it's just like, just find out. Because when you do say something when you find out, you're able to then do the next thing,

Whatever it is, whether it's good or bad, you can process it and move on. And she's a really good friend of yours. And yes, it might be awkward for a little bit, but it won't be forever. It really won't. Also, a bit of awkwardness is surely, I would say, better than just constantly, like, constantly, like, living with your insides balled into a fit. Yes, just find, you have to. I do agree.

I would add two addendums. Yeah. One. Do it when all the housemates are there, so it's a group discussion. No, pop it in the WhatsApp. up. House meeting everyone later.

Who do we want to hang out with? And by that I mean date. Big reveals. So I guess I have two addenums. The first is

I really think you need to, before you go in, if you're going to keep living together, you have to be sure you're going in with a genuine

offer of, just so you know, I respect your right to not feel this way and my friendship will be consistent thereafter.

If you can't do that, you don't have any business saying it because if what you're saying is, you have to date me or I'll ruin your lives, basically. That's such a stressful dynamic. How romantic, Catherine, caveats.

Second caveat is that... I don't know if I want you to marry Sunil or Catherine. It's genuinely hard for me. You're operating in two equally unlikely double acts. I mean, Sunil and I could marry. We'd have a happy life. He'd drive you mad with Pilei. Oh God, don't start.

You couldn't do it. But he wouldn't have it in my house. I wouldn't put up with it. I've not put up with it. No, Helen. He's just put piles of shit everywhere. Hang on. I have more authority than you.

I need to, I think we need to finish this advice, but we have to return to Pileet because I'm genuinely worried you're talking about. He doesn't have piles. He, not hemorrhoid. Fine. I genuinely was concerned that Helen had a fun nickname for one of Sunil's hemorrhoids. She would. And I don't think I should be judged for that.

I don't think that's my fault. That's actually the more logical conclusion. I saw your eyes darted and I thought we must clarify. Sidil does not have a hemorrhoid that Helen has given a nickname to No, he has a pile of his crap that he keeps in his bedroom Right, right, right, right. 20 pilies? Is there a piley in the living room,

Piley in the corridor? Why do we keep saying piley? You know? And it's such a good question for us to think about. But my second addendum, this isn't so much a caveat. Start collecting DVDs, he's 42. What's the plan, man? What's the plan, Sunil? We're not watching them, they're just there.

You don't just C-E-X every other day with like 20 of the lads just like him just standing in C-E-X just I've seen it seen it, seen it like, what are we doing? What's the plan? Sunil and I are quite similar men. Yeah. But we couldn't say that.

Have you ever made a trip into central London just to browse and fop? Yes. Yeah, then you're saying. It's such a mental thing to do. But the thing I was going to say is that I wanted to be honest and say that if while I think it's a terrible idea and I would

all the same concerns that you do in. If I were you and 22, my solution would be wine. I'd get drunk with her, ideally, and then just sort of say it in a way that felt plausibly deniable when sober, but ultimately would still crush me if she said no, but hopefully would lead to a messy decision

that we both regretted to different degrees after. I actually back that out. I wanted to be very clear about it. I wanted to be honest about who I am And who I am would be pouring very big glasses of Vino. A heavy pour. Yeah. Old heavy poor bow heart. I'd also have a friend just who knows you're going to go for it, who you can go stay with that night if you need to.

Great idea. If you're just sort of like, I don't need to like be in this house tonight. Like just in case and just to be like, hey, respect your decision. Obviously I'm upset. I'm going to go to a friend's house just to stay for the night. But like, honestly, this is all coming with. with love for me, right? But I think the advice is you have to tell this person how you feel,

but with the Bohart addendums. You wouldn't do it with yourself funny. There's no way you'd do it. No, of course I wouldn't do it. But I'd do what you would do, which is get drunk and blurt it out. But that's, I think, increasingly, as I, as 40 comes into view in terms of my age, I'm 38 now. I'm increasingly starting to believe that you can't solve all your problems by getting

drunk and blurting things out. well I'm only 35 so I'm fine I'm 32 and it's working out great I'm fine thank you so much everything's fine we had wine for breakfast wow you don't be a dick so judgment

I'm here with that wine it's called breakfast why'd you crash her car no let's not bring that up again because you won't stop linking again okay thank you so much and I hope we've solved your problem

yay milf island I can clap I've ever seen. Hey, Nish, where can people find you online? You can find me. I'm Mr. Nish Kumar on Instagram and Twitter for as long as that continues to exist. Yeah. But I have a podcast called Pod Save the UK, which you can listen to.

And also, I don't know when this is going to come out. Go on. But whenever this is going to come out, at some point, I'm going to have a special, my stand-up show, which is available on Sky. If you have Sky, you live in the UK and Ireland, it's currently available on Sky Comedy. but hopefully at some point in the next couple of weeks it's going to be available for everyone to buy and you can do that on whatever tech platform

you get your special time or you can just do it from my website nishcamore.coma.coma.com.com. Fabulous. Okay, I want to watch that. Oh, maybe we should sit down and Nish up on a play date and we and I could have some wine. No, they already played together.

Yeah, we already hang out. I would like to hang out with Sunil more often. I think we live quite close to each other. You both seem like the kind of men who'd be like, I like that guy. I'll do nothing about it for 40 years We used to do his Soho radio show I used to go in and do it all the time with him and Massoud

I loved it I had a great old time Wait, you'll just do anybody's show No I'll do-ish Kumar everybody I will do shows for people that I either like or am scared of or in certain cases both What do you mean?

What does that come from? What do you mean what does that come from? I like both of you and I'm also quite scared of both of you No, you didn't jump. Thank you so much, Dishkima! That would have been great. It's like you can try these things but it doesn't always work out.

I will come on this podcast as many times as you would like. Yay! Welcome to the Executive Lounge. We have a new guest today. First, we'd like to say thank you to Guy Goodman, Simon Moors, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Sarah Deakin, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Matthew Thomas, and today's new and special guest, Madeleine Quinn.

Welcome to the Landman. Madeline, thank you all for your service and support. Welcome to the lounge to our producers. You're not in the executive... You're in a lounge. You're in a lounge, but it's not like... You're in a sitting room. Thank you. You're in... You know what? It's another lounge and you're having a lovely time. Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bold,

Neil Redmond, Victoria Hutchinson, Harold Van Dyke, Tim and Dom, David Walker... Oh my God, Tim and Dom. I wonder if I see them at Birmingham. I must do. I must. Please come. David Walker, Rachel R. Sadie Cashmore, Claire, Owen Jones, and Nick, Zoe, Sarah, Molly, Ria Fink, Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Graham Marsh, Amy O'Reardon, Abby Wharf, Key Webb, Matt Sims, Luke Bright, Leah, Kate, Spencer, Tristan, Liz Fort, Taz, Clow, Becky Fotz, Emily G. This is amazing, this is getting longer, but it is a lot more for me. It's so nice, thank you so much. Dean, Dean Michael, Glenys Wood, Stephanie Katlaccia, Sophie Chivers, Mark, Anthony Anthony Anthony, Anthony, Annie Suvie,

what is wrong with you? Sooth, so we have figured. I know, but I'm my memory. I know no memory. Charlie A. Thank you to you all. Thank you all. And enjoy the lounge. Truly thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for supporting the podcast. I know sometimes like today, um, we're crazy. I'm sad and crazy and mostly we have a nice time, don't we guys?