Trusty Hogs - Ep110. SAM CAMPBELL / Plato, Purses & Palm Readings

Episode Date: November 30, 2023

3 podcasters with a combined total of 4 heads this week as we welcome the bust of Greg Davies carried into the sty by the latest Taskmaster champion Sam Campbell! This was such a fun and silly episode, with some expert prank planning (make sure to watch Ep111) & even a "fully formed" sketch by Helen and Sam...FOLLOW SAM: @mcdonaldscomedyThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Deakin / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew Thomas / Madeline QuinnePRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Klo / Becky Fox / Emily Gee / Dean Michael / Glenys Wood / Stefanie Catracchia / Sophie Chivers / Marc / Anthony / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KCWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Bombas makes the most comfortable socks, underwear, and t-shirts. Warning, bombas are so absurdly comfortable you may throw out all your other clothes. Sorry, do we legally have to say that? No, this is just how I talk, and I really love my bombas. They do feel that good, and they do good, too. One item purchased equals one item donated. To feel good and do good, go to bombus.com and use code audio for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S.com and use code audio at checkout.

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Download today. Hello and welcome to episode 110 of Trustee Hoggs, the podcast where we tell you about our perfect lives. I'm Catherine Bohart. This is Helen Bauer. I've decided this week to stop being such a fucking moan bear. And I'm going to stop and recognise the fact that I'm perhaps not the only woman in the world to have moved house, and I'm bringing positive vibes. Through the fog, step forth the trusty hogs, yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them, or maybe they won't, and that's your problem.

They'll have guests, and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not What we have us observed surprising to Helen is that I Have a like a manly wallet which you were surprised by It's my dad, this is every dad and uncle's wallet But can I say for why? Can I tell you why?

Describe it for the listeners. Okay so it's black and leather And it's just a basic wallet with loads and loads and loads of space for cards It's because I love a loyalty card. I love, I have my boots card, my British Heart Foundation card, my blood donation card, my nectar card. As you know, I once lost my nectar card and that was devastating. Like, my point is that I've got one for all of my local coffee shops that are not digitalised.

My point is that I love my cards and I want to have somewhere to put them. And it's inexplicable to me that women's purses don't have places for me to have a lot of system. Mine does, they do. I'll bet you doesn't have enough. And then it'll have that shitty little queen thing. As if we're using coin and it's not 2023. I have coins. Oh, yours is nice, but look, it's too big.

It's too long. No, because you can fit my whole passport in it. You can't put that in a jacket pocket. Why? Then you lose your passport and your money? Wait, for it. 40 euros. Stamps.

I should probably take that. No, I'm Irish. I'm Irish. I've got a fortune, film of fortune cookie. Jesus Christ. Like, I've got everything you could ever want in here. No, I don't want all the pockets for the nonsense.

I want card space. House of Colors. It's a nail place. Why are you carrying around your passport and you lose that on your It's my only ID. And then cashie. What? That's your only ID? Yeah.

Oh, my God. Get a provisional license, please. Oh, the green ones? Or a travel card. No, this will do. Yeah, but if you lose... Oh, okay. Good luck to you.

If I lose it, I'll get a new one. Well, best look right into somebody in fucking Swansea or whatever the hell the policy is in this country for that. You're just jealous because I've got 40 euro. I am. I'm international. I've just been to Ireland and I have a story for you. Go. Okay, so...

With your wallet. Did you go with your wallet? I went with my wallet. Of course I did. So I unexpectedly got by... booked late for this show called the two Johnny's of course because Ireland

and... Wait, like is it... Two lots called Johnny. One of them's called Johnny Smacks and one of them's called Johnny B and you just go on and talk to them and you just go and talk to them. Honestly God I was like, of course.

It's in a pub, right? They don't have a green room. They don't have a TV unit. It's just like a proper... Yeah, it's just like a proper in a pub, right? I'm Johnny, he's Johnny too. Johnny and Johnny B

get right. Let's throw exited to those heads and see who cries first. So, honestly, kind of. And they were so nice though. Unlike, like, they can't do like American bravado of like male podcasters

you meet them and they're still like how are you Catherine you're all right you got everything you need like they're so polite and nice

anyway so I go in and to get my hair makeup done and it's done in this hotel room that I'm staying in which is really nice and these two women

arrive and one of them went to my school and I've had her do my hair before and my makeup before yeah she's heaven on a stick and may I say

Irish women are just amazing makeup artist honestly I've never had bad makeup in Ireland and sometimes here well I've never really had but you know what I'm like they're just

oh it's so Irish women are not they've not been convinced into this narrative that I think a lot of English people do have, which is that, like, you should look like yourself or natural. Irish women are like, we couldn't give a fuck if you look like yourself. What you want to look is hot. But can you see how for an English makeup artist, us putting the amount of makeup that you want on your face feels like appropriation covering your

freckles. So we panic because we're like, we can't cover the freckles because then we're offensive. Whereas you want to be made up, like the Rose of Trilly. Truly. And they did me, oh God, I was Dublin for the evening. It was lovely. So, please tell me you got on like, and they also came in with the fashion and it was one of those dancing Irish like dressers. No. Have you seen those ones? Do you know where their backs are really straight but their legs are losing their minds? Yeah, absolutely I do. But those dresses are insane. So, um, these two women come in and they're just so funny. Irishmen are so funny.

And, um, they come in and they are doing my makeup and I was saying I get like a little bit of Botox, like baby Botox. But I can't get much more than that because. My girlfriend hates it. And they were like, do she notice? Can you not just not tell her? And I was like, huh? Honest to God, if I dye my eyebrows while Ellen's out of the house, she comes back and is like, do we lie to each other?

Do you dye your eyebrows? Do I? I tint them, yeah. But she's genuinely like, do I know you at all? Like, the world has spun out from its axis. Like, I guess everything's all changed. She, like, notices everything. Well, so you can't let your girlfriend take what poison you put in your feet.

no listen I agree but also my point is this is that like a woman notices right what it transpires is men apparently don't notice no because one of these women was like I've got my lips done didn't tell my husband got my Botox done didn't tell my husband honestly tomorrow I'm getting a new chin I'm not telling them I said what she was like shaving down or implant um filler sick and I was like he'll notice no he won't she got a new chin and didn't tell her husband what are men doing Where are they looking? Is it like when we pirouette and they just like pick a place to spot and they like spot? Isn't that a compliment to men and like an advocacy for straight people to be like, it's great, do whatever you want

they won't give a fuck? I think that's a benefit. It's not that they don't give a fuck it's that they didn't even notice. Then I told Charlie this and Charlie was like once I got a fringe and this dude didn't even notice. A whole fringe.

I'm like what? Are you talking about? It was crazy. But then the other woman was like Oh, I don't get any Botox anymore because I've had an awful experience with Botox because my, I didn't know this could happen. My eyebrows dropped.

So she had this like constant front. I didn't know that. And the other one was like, yeah. Come on, you've seen it though. No, then they're like, something's like, it's just dropped down. Sunkin. Then the other one was like, oh yeah, I got clingons,

which I didn't know is a thing where you can get like this like pinched luck up here. So now I'm terrified. Anyway, then I was like, what do you mean you got your eyebrows dropped? It was her first time getting Botox and she got it for her brother's wedding. It kicked in the morning.

of her eyebrows are just sinking, sinking, sinking. The night before she started to notice, so she tried to sleep upside down with her head off the bed, like a bat. This happens in modern family when Jay gets Botox for anyone. No way. Well, then she did the most Irish thing.

Oh, I just did what I always do, which I just thought, I just had some antihistamines because that usually fixes everything. And it's such an Irish reaction to be like, that'll dissolve Botox. But it didn't. It didn't work.

So what I'm saying to you is, I love Irish women, and their honesty and their truth. And I don't know if they wanted me to talk about it on the podcast, but there you have it. You went straight in. I've not named them.

You've not named them. I think it's fine. I didn't name them. Their husbands don't listen to this. Come on. Maybe they do. Maybe that's the one thing that you noticed. That'd be a shock.

That sounds for. It was a show fun to record though. It was really fun. It was like a bunch of gah teenagers, which if you don't know what that means, it's like GAA is like local Irish sports. Like 19 year old boys. All of whom by the way, oh my God, I didn't realize the Irish youth had been so affected by Paul Meskell.

but like every one of them with the tight shave mullet the chain I mean we were doing it before but it has escalated and it was a bit like oh god these boys would have bullied me when I was in school but I had a lovely time and I only told three stories that I'm ashamed of so you go it's like a chat show with teenagers playing sports no they're like watching but they're standing right beside you while you're interviewed by these two jannies I I just oh Helen I went up to that that's what I was why

brought up the makeup artist I went into them and they were like just FYI there's no dressing room there's only the top of the pub so just so you know don't sit in any of the chairs they're all broken and there is a ham cutter I saw this on your internet and I was like

of course welcome to Ireland never change okay thank you to Ireland that's the Irish section of the podcast oh yeah sorry parish announcements over and how has your week been yeah good not like that you might want to put us on 0.5 speed

just come back from home. Yay! We love it when Catherine goes to Ireland and comes back. It's a whirlwind of emotions. I actually feel great for it. I went home yesterday. I didn't see my family.

Go on. Shout out to my family, I love it. I didn't see my family. Shout to my family, I love you too. Shout out to our families. No, I washed it this morning. Thank you very much. I got a pearly and I washed it

and I dried it with a hair dryer. Not just by the air. Thank you. And I put in like that heat-resistant spray. It looks lovely. Because I take care of myself now. But last night you were in Oldershot? Older shot.

Not Fleet, older shot. But it was too, it was close enough to get all the prickles. My spine was like, it's fine, it's fine. No one's going to, it's all chill. Like, my friends don't live there. They've all seen the show in London. Like, who's it going to be? Who's it going to be?

And then like a message comes in from Facebook. I live opposite your mum. The guy that's putting out the chairs is your mother Anne. There's a lot of books out of the library. I work there sometimes. Like it's layers, layers, layers, layers. And then it's like 50% of the audience I go on stage and I'm like, give me a cheer

if you know me or my mother personally and it's just like, eh. And I'm like, oh, I'm going to kill myself. But it was actually really fun. Oh good, because I can go one of two ways. And then afterwards, I was like genuinely, the lights were so bright. I was at the West End Centre.

Amazing venue, you check it out. I'm you're there. Good, glad to hear us. Slate. Oh my God, I am an actually, may I say Aldershot have been actually buying tickets like properly. Thank you so much.

I was having a look at. Do you think that's my shout out for you at the end of your plug saying, I want Hampshire girlies to go through. Genuinely, maybe. But also, do you know something? I forgot this part of touring, which is that they send you a weekly email

of Who Likes you. Monday morning. Yeah, and it's, and Aldershot are big... I have beef, apparently, with Coventry, but I didn't know that. And Swindon, don't seem to love Catherine. Really? But always good to know, Edinburgh, Aldershot, on my side.

That's really sweet. And thank you to you. Thank you, Aldershotty. Oh, and Norwich. Oh, God bless them. Loyalist isn't the word I meant. and I will take it back up there are

No also that's the opposite Oh is it Royalist do you mean to say I think you misspoke Nope No no it's okay Don't be embarrassed

Oh good God But I went to Oldishotti I can't wait till you're in your podcast phase About Northern Ireland I wish you'd learn Neither I cannot wait to find out about that The best part was

There was like a lot of like Friends' parents in the audience But I didn't know until afterwards Right And like all normal all normal and then one of them my friend sophia growing up like an absolute angel i love her so much we used to live together we've traveled together and her mom and dad were there and her mom and dad like love them love them and he was like i remember your first on stage performance and i was like oh it's

got to be the ambauer like it's like it's got to be something like i don't know like spher was he a blooming so i don't know like and i was like oh okay and he was like ballet and i was like okay i have a feeling i know where this is going so my immediate response was oh did i shit myself because I always feel like I hear so many stories myself when I was younger and it usually involves me shit in myself and everyone being like oh fucking Helen shit herself again because when I was growing up there was a lot of stories I'm like oh look there's Helen she shits herself

so I was like oh god but then he was like no no it was the best thing I've ever seen so we were and there's videos of me and Sophia doing ballet when we're younger I'm already like five foot seven and I'm like four she's normal height but we won't let go of each other's hands because we're like glued together because she's very shy little girl

and then there was two of us like jumping but every time I jump I like yank her up and then she lands and she pulls me down and it's just it's ridiculous but um so the first ever ballet performance we did was like the parents could come in at the end of the class and watch and we were all like little like girly

all lined up with our little leotards yeah you and a full size adult me and a full size adult large put all the other four year olds in a four year old's outfit and me like looks like I've been really held back is genuinely humiliating I'm genuinely being traumatised, disgusting. Can I just say, if it was any consolation,

I once played a fairy in a, like, age seven play, but I did ballet and I did modern dance. And so everybody else was tiny. I was kind of a round child. And they all wore these little pink leotards with their wings. And I wore my modern dance leotard, which was full arm, full leg, lilac.

Lilic. So I was just purple. I was just a blueboard. So listen, don't worry about it. Yeah. But imagine that being round, a different outfit, but also two-foot higher than everyone else. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then again, you had the red hair and the freckles, so work out which one's warming. I was tall. I just, like, stopped growing at 12. Oh, my God. Yeah. Everyone told me that. They were like, you're just going to be tall for it,

and then you're going to stop. Yeah. And they were all lined up and we were like, had to like run across and do some jumps. And as he was telling us, like, I remember hearing the story. And, like, we were like running. We could do one leap. And I obviously completely fuck my leap.

I go up, I land on my bum. Oh, poor baby. like all the parents are watching, eyes flood with water, and apparently in one move, and he says the most impressive thing he's ever seen to this day, I stood up, ran and slid under my mum's chair, and spent the rest of the class under there, like, cowering, crying. Oh, no. Refusing to come out. I was like, no, it's okay.

It's so bad. I fucked my entire life. Just screaming in pain. Poor little Helen. Poor little Helen. And there was only one fall. That's tough. It's bad.

And then I, because I thought my first school play experience, or like on stage was when Lucy Parker fucking fainted on me during Jack and the Beanstalk. I'm so sorry. It's been really tough. It's a miracle I still got on stage. I just remember I also played a raindrop where we had to wear blue, like those blue postal bags as raindrops in the gingerbread man question work.

God, the match. What's the story of the gingerbread man with raindrop? Listen, the stuff that counts as like plays. I know. All of mine were written by this one teacher in our school. school who saw herself as a playwright. She's a confident lady and we respect her for it. She used to give us essay titles when we were 11. No, we were nine, nine, third class. And they were titled like, Red. Brothers. And you're like, what? But those are like, is that like

the stimulus to write an essay for creative writing? Yeah, we had a class like that. But she had too many notes. Do you know what I mean? You're like, you said red. I don't know what to talk to you about. Shout out, Mrs. Rafferty from the English department, year seven, court more school. I heard of Mrs. Ryan. Shout on Miss Rafti. She, one lesson was like we're doing creative writing. We all had to eat a lemon sherbet and like write down the experience.

Behave. That was so Mrs. Ryan. That was our creative writing lesson. That's amazing. Mrs. Ryan would have done that but for the fact that we'd have enjoyed the sherbet too much. So she wasn't interested in that. The sort of kid enjoys a sherbet too much. This is the kind of woman who would have smoked.

Yeah, yeah. Who's going like, oh brilliant. There's a champ. I haven't had these since Micklemus last. well there's a chance we would have liked it so she wouldn't have done it she used to write limericks whenever somebody left staff and the staff were like it was always like such they were so shady like she was just a

so like someone would quit and she'd be like tis a poem day for me yeah basically she was an intense woman I've got one more thing to tell you oh sorry go on before you bring on our guest number one lovely gig in Birmingham thank you so much for everyone to coming Guilford, you need to learn how to just relax and enjoy yourself more.

Oh, really? Uptight in Guilford. Like, I think everyone who went probably had a nice time. G-Live? Yeah, go on, Andrews got such time. I was going to say, did you get told by the tech not to talk to them? Because apparently Marcus Birdman talked to them very early

and they just were like, don't talk to us. Oh, obviously, they did not tell me that. You and Marcus have the same audience, I assume. All the girlies out for Marcus, all the girl he's out for you. But several people have said to me that the tech man has now been warned as part of like the setup to be to tell the comedians not to talk to them oh he was definitely like it's a this is a rough everyone dies in this room and i was like i've heard i've heard about this

but at the end he was like that's the best i've ever seen as a response and i was like that is so depressing for everyone who has come before or after me it was fine is this the g live small yeah yeah yeah but i have to say this here's the problem if a tech man told me not to talk to an audience i'd be like don't tell me what the fuck yeah he didn't tell me what to do like i did it they were It's just like Birmingham. Oh, shout out to Hebe and, oh my God, what was her name? I met two of the nicest listeners. And Hebe and Becker.

Shout out to Hebe and Becker in Birmingham. And this is my other thing I have to tell you. You'll never believe what happened after we left here last week. So do you remember last week, we finished an episode with Nish. We finished episode with Nish. And you were, I think, chilling here and doing some work. Right, you guys? And then I was going to do my corporate.

And then you were going to do your corporate. And I was like, oh, I'm going to go to foils and sit and like read my book and have dinner, okay? I went to foils sitting and reading. And for my dinner, I get a sausage roll and a salad, but one of those fancy sausage rolls with like pork and churiceo and a knife and fork. And as I'm eating, I'm like, oh my God, there's something in my nose. And I was like, oh, God, I need to blow my nose. So I was like blowing it. I was like, it's like, it's like a hard bit of sausage or something.

It's like blowing and blowing and people looking at the table. either side of me. Why would a hard bit of sausage be in your nose? Like, I don't know. I was just like losing my mind. Be like, what's that? What are you talking? What's there? And I was like, oh, I've lost my mind. It must be a bogey or something. And I'm blowing my nose and nothing's coming out. It's pure dry. I must. I must. I must. It's actually medical. It's actually medical. It's actually medical. Okay. But can, like, can you give the listeners some, like, maybe like a pause to be like, this sounds like a nice story? It's a nice story. It's a nice story.

It's a nice story because I did it on stage the next night in Birmingham and I tried it in Guildford and everyone was like, you're eating, Helen. And these people might be eating listening to this podcast. Well, stop eating. Okay, go on. Jesus Christ, talks. Okay, so. Nothing, nothing, nothing. So I'm like, okay, so I tell the man next to me, he's already looking at me like, oh, what the fuck's wrong with this thing? And I was like, can you watch my stuff? I'm going to get a tea. I got up to get a tea. I come back. I sneeze, and I look into the tissue. No, Helen, I don't want to know. And there's a big chunk

of sausage. I knew it. But I'm telling you now, it did not enter my nose nasally. And I know that, because, like, how would I do that? Like, eating it and then I suck up sausage. and then it goes past, like, you know the barrier? Like the part, hello, please someone. And then you're that thing there on your nose, the bridge, the bridge. Which means that when I was eating it, I must have somehow breathed or snorted backwards, taking it up the back passage. Because you know when people remove phlegm from their throat

and it goes down from their nose down the back of their throat. I did that with a reversey with a bit of chorizo up through my nose and it was stuck there and it was ever so awful. but just to let you know, I have spoken to a medical professional about it from the audience in Birmingham and someone who works in a maternity unit in the audience in Guilford

and it does happen and it's nothing to be concerned about. So if you do sneeze out food, no stress. Is for, it's a PSA. And I'm not going back to foils again. I'm never going back to foils. Because now I'm the girl that like sneezed up a sausage. All right, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine,

if this is my life, if this is our podcast, if this is what you wanted to be, but I understand No, hang on, hang on What size was it? The size is the bit of sausage I'd say

like if you got a two P coin and rolled it up it'd be that size And do you think it was chorizo or sausage meat? It was porky But there was a bit of shriek It was definitely a tang to it

Like it burned Do you think anybody saw you sneeze it up? Yep. Are you proud of yourself? No, but I'm proud that I'm willing to share the story Do you want me to ask anything else About your disgusting story?

Yes. Do you think you'd still eat sausage rolls again? I did the next day, yeah. Okay. It's a wonderful source of protein I don't know if you remember but before you left the studio

you're like I'm going to foil this is a bit of a luxury treat So that's what it was That's the worst thing If anyone who doesn't know I mean everyone who lives in London knows It's this big foils

And they've got a cafe And it's just full of people Who were just sitting there and reading And they're so studious And I was there like blowing nothing And then sneezing to have a nice peaceful time It's the wrong place to sneeze If I did that in the Greggs near me

I'd be absolutely fine If anything they'd be like Don't worry love happens every day I live in Don't Care Surprise. Where do you live? Donnie. But, you know when you're eating and you sneeze

and it's like an absolute carcophony of like everything you've just eaten? Have you ever sneezed whilst with food in your mouth? Okay, M just said, no. You never, yeah, thank you, Andrew. And it's like, oh my God, but this was like later after like, yeah. I hate you. I love you.

Also, I've watched Lord of the Rings, but we'll talk about that on the extras. It's ever so good. Have you heard of it? I have been it. I have heard of it. I saw your Instagram story being like, lol, it's an actual ring

and that really made me laugh. Can you believe it? The literal ring. It's an actual ring. And they all want to be the lord of it. Like, it's not a metaphor. That is so dumb, isn't it? It's like, it does when you say it like that,

you're like, oh, it should obviously just be the name of a gay porno. But it's not. It's like they're properly going to go look for that thing. It's like literally millions of, lads being like, what about the ring? And it's like, okay, Hans. Have you been to Clair's accessory? Yeah, but I said, go accessoryized.

Do you know what I mean? So, it's not even like, it's not nice of a ring. It's a bit bulky. Yeah, I agree, but listen, right now I need to go and wash my eyes out after that disgusting story. Oh, should we bring on our guests? Yeah, I suppose so, please.

Welcome to the podcast. Sam Campbell! Oh, we've got a sketch prepared for you. Oh, God. Bombas makes the most comfortable socks, underwear, and t-shirts. Warning, bombas are so absurdly comfortable you may throw out all your other clothes. Sorry, do we legally have to say that? No, this is just how I talk, and I really love my bombus.

They do feel that good, and they do good, too. One item purchased equals one item donated. To feel good and do good, go to bombus.com and use code audio for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S.com and use code audio. at checkout. Avoiding your unfinished home projects because you're not sure where to start, Thumbtack knows home so you don't have to. Don't know the difference between matte paint finish and satin or what that clunking

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Hello, welcome to the plugging section. Do not skip. Do not skip it. On March 2nd next year, I will be doing my show one last time at the Earth in Hackney. Pretty cool. It's a massive venue. It's like 700 seaters. And when you go on the ticket linked to buy a ticket,

which you must, you must, you must, please. It's going to be so much fun. I'm going to be doing a split bill with Olga Cox, so she'll be doing an hour, I'll be doing an hour. We're going to design some cocktails. It's going to be the ultimate night out. Please join us. Tickets are available now.

We are all coming to Leicester on the 10th of February, so you can see every single hog as a solo stand-up, and you can also see Trusty Hogs Live, starting at 1230 with Helen's show. Then I'm on at 1.30, 2, 2, 2 o'clock at Duffies. Then Catherine's at 3.30, so you can see us all back-to-back. Then there's a bit of a gap until Trustee Hodge's live. at 9.45. I'm also doing a work of progress

at 830, but prioritise those first four, because that'll be your big day out. 10th of February, Lester Comedy Festival. Hydrate on that day. Yes, yeah. Hello, it's Catherine. Also, please don't skip this. I know it's promo and it's boring, but here I am. I'm going on tour with a show called Again with Feelings.

And my tour is going to be in London Soho Theatre for two weeks in March and then I'm going to Brighton, Aldershot, Edinburgh, Glasgow, York, Newcastle, Norwich, Winchester, Cambridge, Oxford, Bath, Birmingham, Manchester, Leeds, Liverpool, Sheffield, Exeter, Corsham, Bristol, Coventry, Guilford, Portsmouth, Swindon, Dublin, and again in London. In October, I'm doing a big date at Bloemfree Theatre.

My point is, I'm trying my best. I'm coming to lots of places. I'd love to see you there. I think the show's pretty damn good. And shout out to all the Hampshire girlies. Please go see Catherine in Pompey and in Oldershot, as we call it. And to support her. I want her to love Hampshire as much as I-D.

And Winchester. Winchester is in Hampshire, isn't it? I don't count. Why am I doing so many dates in Winchester? Thank you so much. In Hampshire? Because it's a gorgeous county. Welcome Sam Campbell

and you creepy hair! Yay! Hi, you brought your taskmaster trophy. He's a champion! Finally, a winner in the office amongst all these fucking losers. Look at the state of all of you. Andrew, a loser, lives with his parents.

M, absolutely fucking chucking her life away. Who knows what our plan is? Catherine, God, you know, they come over here, on the Emerald Isle and me doing my best and now a winner. Thanks so much for having me and could I just say that I think that you are the two most beautiful women in the world. You can't say that because you mustn't lie.

You mustn't lie. Honestly, sometimes I do walk down the street and I'm like, yeah, I'm pretty good. Like people think I'm average but like sometimes you see the absolute state of people and I'm like, I hate my profile. I'm like front on whatever but then profile I'm like, no thanks. I'm really fit in profile because I've got a really flat face. with just a nose, like I've always said. You've got a lot of stuff.

No, I've got a bad... Eyes, mouth, ears. But I have a bad skin to feature ratio. I'm more skin than I am feature. Really? Everybody's more skin than features. No, babies. Some people have more feature than skin.

Some people have very little skin. How would I have been in their face? Just these huge nostrils. Angelina Jolie, feature. Yeah, featureful. She's got lots of skin on there. Big lips, big eyes, beautiful nose. Sorry, is your metric.

whether or not you were Angelina Jolie because that's going to be a hard start to the morning every morning for most of us. It's me versus Angelina Jolie each morning. Who's hotter, Sam? Say, say, say, say. Say. Out of Jolie and Helen. Yeah. I mean, they're both pretty good. Wouldn't chuck either of them out of bed.

No, no, no. I'd chuck them into the bed. Oh, well, I'd say, can we can you go, do you want to, are you prepared to be thrown into there and yeah? Are you prepared to be? Is that your sexy version of consent? Are you prepared to be thrown into this where I don't sleep in a bed

I sleep in a humidity crib But What's that? Well, do you know what that is? I just need to be We're not doing this today Sam Campbell I need to be plugged in

What's the humidity crib? No We're going to get to know The real Samckos. Really? Oh wow That is him He sleeps in a humidity crib

Listen No he doesn't He doesn't And he's a nice boy And he pretends not to bed I've always thought First question Yes

Hello What the hell kind of age are you? I'm 32. We guessed and I went 17. Jesus. I said my age which is 32. Yeah, we're 32.

You're 32. Both of you. Catherine's not. I know I'm not. Yes, I know. I'm older. All the way up. I'm 35.

The big 4-0. I should start saying I'm 40. I'd look incredible for 40. Okay. What do you do in your spare time? How are you interviewing? We're going to find out. We write sketches.

My spare time. At the moment, or, I mean, I live near the sea, so I really try to, not hold counsel, but I do try and see the ocean almost every day. Do you? That's all nice. Did you get, were you raised by the sea? No, I raised near the rainforest, but then was drawn to the sea at around, as a teen, and got around the sea in a huge way as a teenager.

Wait, which rainforest? You didn't see the sea into your... No, I saw it, but when I, you know, that's when I became sort of attached. Which rainforest? I'm from the tablelands, the Atherton Tablelands in Queens. England? I don't know. Do you know, Lake Ichum, is any of this?

Do you know any of this? Is any of this? We know about Ayrs Rock. Well, I wouldn't call it that. I would call it Ula Roo. Uluru. That's what I'd call it to, actually. Is it?

Roll the tape back. Roll it back. I'm going to Brisbane, and that's where you're from. I sort of am, yeah, yeah. I went to. I was around there for like, you know, three years, but a big three years. Sometimes you're like, well, sorry? Why big?

Those are just very formative times. What year? What age we are? Oh, God. question. I reckon I was in Brisbane from 17 to 21. Four years. Roll the tape. The virginity.

Andrew, come on. Let's do this. Andrew. Get a clue. What is wrong? He's smacked out. He's on drugs. Do you have an exercise region? He used to be so and be like, Andrew. Now, he's clean. He's is he, though? It's because you don't see him do it. Doesn't mean he's not doing it. This is why we don't have a camera and Andrew anymore because he's so

gacked up to the elbow. He's gacked up to the guy. I'm serious. He's smacked out. I don't know what that fucking do with him. He used to be such a swim. guy wearing nice pastels and now he's wearing leather jackets he thinks he's all that gack finds you yeah i saw a huge syringe in his bag you so you know a lot about drugs i was rife into his bag and this huge syringe winners can do that kind of thing what's your exercise regime oh what is this interview now i need i want to ask sam campbell questions that

sam campbell has not planned for or been asked before here we are what's your exit drop the skin care regime tell us what you're doing for exercise i do run on a treadmill do you yeah yeah i live in a building that has a gym and i run in there nice for a while the lights went working i was running in complete darkness oh my god that's fun what do you get up to um i read i i've always loved running and i read this book the um what's that book what i talk about when i talk about running fat boy run no that's a movie but based off a book is it yeah oh really no it's not obvious what do you What is that movie, by the way? Oh, God, I decided to get into running.

Yeah. Yeah. And I think he falls in love. Oh, really? But you read a book called what we talk about when we talk about running. What I think about when I think about running? What is that? What I talk about when I talk about running by Murakami.

Yeah, that's a really nice book. I love Murakry. What age were you when you read this? Oh, sorry. What age were you when you read this? Oh, wow. You're obsessed with, like, my stats, and I'm prepared to reveal them to you. Great.

I was probably around 19. or something, I think. Okay, and what distances are you running? Sorry? What distances are you running? I don't want to sound like I'm someone who thinks he's like this really amazing guy. You're holding your Taskmaster trophy on your lap. Do you know, I just went to the Taskmaster rap party.

Nice. How was it? Phopar Central. Oh, Catherine. Tell us more. So I arrived, first star to arrive, it's all just crew and people like that. No offense. No, they're going along with them.

but I'm hanging around and I'm like I don't know There's a door list, the list And I'm like, I'll do the door End up doing it for an hour and a half No, you did it is Too long for a bit And I'm drawing love hearts around Do you know John Thodee?

He's the head of Avalon Yeah I'm doing love hearts around his name No whatever just Of course sure And he arrives I didn't know what he looks like So he goes yeah John

I go oh yeah And he looks at the same time He clocks the love hearts And looks at me like what's going on Oh God Make your way in my gentleman My sweet angel And then I did he did

And then I did shots, and everyone is having so much fun, and everyone is there, these insanely huge stars. Are you a big drinker? Sorry? I'll go through waves. I'm not so much, and I only plan to have one and get out of there. I needed, I had stuff the next day, but I ended up sticking around shots, and I ended up, and there was the mic was still set up. So I didn't stand that. I don't know.

I thought it would be so funny, and I've done it before. I did it at my friend's 30th. Oh, Christ. And I was like, I was like, turn off the music, turn off the music. I did it set. It went horribly then. I don't know what Yeah, it was crazy

I've never seen you die I'd love to see it It started really well Okay so first I do my It kills What is it, tell us I'm on fire I'm oh do you want me to do it

Well you brought it up I'll do it You don't make us beg for your Do it do it Oh God my Well the shit is kind of the ending Yeah Pretend you haven't heard that that much

Okay Can we bleep yeah this is a good idea is this the one about your yeah okay I do know it so bleep so bleep and bleep and we'll do the joke so it still works

because those are really important parts is that okay am I allowed to us he's got to keep that you can grab it up to the the mom needs to make his money for his gas I'm so worried about injury he's such a bright kid and that spark's just gone I know

for the benefit of the listener yeah he's hanging like a warehouse Parties, yeah, let's party, let's have fun. Awful. Oh, Andrew, you mustn't go to a warehouse party. Those boys will eat you alive. No, don't. No, no, no, not a good way.

Be careful this chem sex stuff, seriously. Really? But that orgasm will send you to a different place. Be careful of these otters, they're no good. No, they're good. Otters are actually very difficult creatures. They're very loud. That's a gay sex category.

Yes, I understand that, but also just as a general PSA, if you go to the zoo, avoid the otters if you've got sensory problems. Very loud. a bit alter. And they reek as well. Are we, which one are we talking about? Don't get me started. You put your face next thing.

It's going to be sweet. The next thing you know, fuck it in hell. Yeah. Put some sausage in my nose and let's be done with it. As a callback to earlier, you missed it.

It was brilliant. Helen blew her nose after eating a sausage roll and sausage roll. Sausage came out of her nose. Took a while. I had to sneeze for it to come out. You know Helen and I filmed something recently. I'm so sorry.

And she was so many takes are unusable because of some of the sounds she's making over. other actors talking I think you made the decision early on that your character had like nasal problems so someone will be doing like I told you that

someone will be doing and I was like that sounds great but so someone will be doing an amazing take where they're like oh my God I can't believe

and we're just like just like writching I thought it would be funny because I was playing a sound person to have respiratory problems which I stand by it was such a good choice but yeah

I think it was tricky after day one I made myself very sick by the end of that you sort of leap off the screen by the way, you're the amazing actor. Yeah, I'm sure I do. You're serious.

No, she actually is. I agree. Yeah. But what, no, you tell us a... Very much... Don't, the... Don't, you can't say that joke. Tell us your joke, Sam.

Oh, okay, so my uncle, my god, my uncle, he drinks a lot of coffee. Mm-hmm. He gets that real... I mean, he gets that coffee breath. I'm serious. We went on a camping trip. He brought my air mattress.

It was like sleeping on a tour of a suit. No. And that killed. That killed. That went really well. What happened? You went downhill from there. Then I did the Anne Frank joke, silence.

Helen would have loved it. I would have loved that. And if you want to hear that one, sign up to the Patreon. No, but what distances are you running? Yeah. Would you imagine if our Patreon was just really, really offensive jokes? Why won't you tell me how far you run? I've been working up to it.

And I'm not like a, you know, I'm not trying to, you know, and I also think you should run with music. Sometimes and other times don't have the music. Oh, interesting. Because in life, you're not going to have, you know, you've got to be. I guess that's true. You run alone with your thoughts. That's fucked.

It's very stressful to do that. Yeah. I find that hard. Well, life begins on the edge of the comfort zone. Is that in the book? Sorry? Is that in the book? No, no, the book's good.

The book is really nice. Every one of a comic book is good, but it is like always breakdown adjacent. Can I guess? I think you have longer distance energy. Yeah. I think I have the build for it. I just, I try. I don't do a lot 10K

Every time you run You go to? Not every time But that's how I try to keep that As you're stuck What time are you doing a 10K in? I don't really do the times I don't look at the time

I couldn't tell you what it is I think I'm Someone who's like No no no no I just run with my thoughts And no watch is like They do it in 45 minutes Can you stop spilling the tea please

Or let go of your trophy You guys are so jealous of me It's horrible This is a really sick industry Just people are so resent I'm sorry I'm not a good drinker that was embarrassing. Nice trophy.

It's just awful. It's so horrible, you know. I'm just proud of you. That's why we can never have a union. Just no one has each other's backs. Yeah, it's true. I thought we were. Didn't they have a very effective strike in the States?

Yeah, but I mean for comedians. Those are writers. I'll tell you what it'll be. We'll unionize them also. We want healthcare and then someone will do a gig for nothing and it will be all for now. Yeah, it's true. I would do that gig.

Who books it? I hate when you start up to a gig and then they're like oh yeah thanks so much for doing this and you're like ah it's a charity gig you're right no one ever says thank you when they're paying you they're just like get in there yeah get on and sometimes I think I'm doing the charity gear and I'll come on and I'll say what a great night

what a great cause and it's a normal night you're the cause that's nice that's nice are you like to talk about what you were filming I don't know how much we're just filming it was sort of a pilot and Helen was in it and just she shone Yeah, I did ride it, yeah.

It was hard to ride. It's so difficult, yeah. It's so funny the script, and there was such a nice crew, and I had lovely food on set every day. Did you have to eat? Every morning sausage sandwich bap, every morning without fail. Whoa, that's a good set. Sometimes they had that and a croissant as well,

because I'd come in and, like, my hair and makeup was, I'd say minimal. They were like, we don't need to do much with you, you're flawless. Yeah. So I was just like. That's all you've already been done. Yeah. Oh, I just woke up. I'm telling you know, Lee's in here.

Yeah. Every day, it was so silly. But I just ate, I just ate the whole time. Nice. And then got in a car and went home. And even though I wasn't running, I had headphones in. Because I'm not going to be alone with my own thoughts for even a second. No, I will see either.

Yeah. Because like if I, right, so even when I'm walking fast on it of headphones in, I hear my breathing. And it's just upsetting. Yeah. Like, the idea of running and be able to hear that is, like, honestly, freaks me out. Like, because I'm a heavy breather. We know that. But like, sometimes I'm...

Andrew's not into this. The only thing he's hearing is his neighbor's dog. Kill everyone, kill everyone. He's doing drugs. He's staying up for three days at a time. He's a drug addict. It's really upsetting. I was going to say, the thing I hear is my feet

and get pounding against the ground. When I got headphones in, I just hear, like, the sound, like, reverberic from my body. Don't you love that? Don't you feel like you're in an adved ass? The bead of the feet, the smell, the taste of the breath. Maybe I should frame it. You are a runner. The smell of the gut.

You should just put like Gack on the end of a stick for me And I can sort of run towards it That would be nice What does Gack look like? I don't know But if you had something on a stick Over the front of your face Yeah

Dangling down Sam To make you run faster What would the thing have to be For you to run after it? Oh really? What am I? Okay No no no

So this is a physical object Yeah That you're trying to get to An external hard drive? Do you not have one? No I do I just love backing up foils. Oh, okay.

Fats say, we could take you to Kari's right now and you're about to lose your fucking mind. That was a dangerous one because if that swings off and into your face, that's a heavy hitter. That's a heavy hit.

That's a broken nose. Yeah, maybe they should make soft ones. I'd have a mirror of myself. A soft one. Oh, really? And you'd be running towards being me. Yeah. Oh, I want to be my authentic self.

Sorry, bad. That's how much I want to be my authentic. I want to be pure. I want to be her. What would you run towards? Catherine. Probably food. It's usually food.

What sort of food he would like? Because it's hard when you're running. And you also love overalls. I guess I do love overalls. I've never noticed that about myself before. Yeah. That's a nice observation. I, Helen recently observed that in order to dress up as me

properly, she'd have to wear a Peter Pan collar. And I was like, what? And then for the next four days, I was like, fuck. Every time I got dressed. I guess I like overalls and Peter Pan collars. You love your collars. Do you know what a Peter Pan collar is? You've got an amazing style.

No. Okay. That's nice. So it's when ladies. wear like a big collar. I know they have buttons all the other different kinds of ways. Like they're a baby. And it looks like a bib, but they're being sexy.

Sexy baby. Oh, these are sort of adult baby people. Yeah, I did that for a while. Not for me. Right, but to go back to what you're saying about sleeping in a humidity cribby, was it? Humidity crib. What's a humidity crib? I think that's where they put babies who was too small in so that they grow.

Oh. Like, you mean an incubator? That's what I was thinking. Imagine a baby that was like, okay, we're just thinking, imagine the smallest one, but it's not sick, how nice that would be. Australians are crazy, is an incubator. A humidity, cribby. Yeah, it is.

But I, when I watched the first time I watched documentary on adult babies, I was enchanted by the sleeping in a crib thing. I was like, I get that. Like, being like caved in and all full sides, but you can see through it. Because my fear is, I like the idea of a full post of bed. But I don't want to have curtains because then I'll get Christmas caroled. And I'm not going through that again.

Do you know what I mean? think the phrase is caved in. Caved in. Caved in on all four sides. No, to be caged in. If you caved in all four sides, you'd be imploding. Oh, I don't want that. No, you mustn't. Well, like, like imploding, imploding. Are you on the dating apps?

I'm just thinking about these caved in. Do you like the back of baby's heads are sort of, they've got that weird. No, don't. That's really sad. The fontanelle. No, that's good. No, it's not good. It's good. Look, feel it. Wait, hold on. That's your fontanelle.

Where is it? The flat part there. You're so lucky. she just washed her hair today. You are so lucky. Literally hours ago. Now that, that makes that I'm underdeveloped.

Right, because it's about a, when they're born, they have this mushy like this kind of, yeah. You can get a teck, who-woo,

it's like a little bowl in their head. I think you're supposed to not touch it. And no, the smell of it is apparently one of the best. It's intoxicating stuff.

Yeah. It's intoxicating stuff. Good God. I smell Catherine's and she falls asleep. Really? No, but I think Catherine should be healed up nicely. She's wickedly intelligent.

She's wickedly intelligent. Yeah, nice. we kept a machine. What was your favorite part of Taskmaster? Okay. Say the Fontanella, we can keep talking about it.

I'm trying to think. I really liked, I guess, sort of the camaraderie of, I was staying at the same hotel as Susan Wacoma and Lucy Beaumont, who were on the show.

And hanging out with those guys. Do you film it all that once? You do, like, all this stuff in this house. And then I just got back from Australia. So the next day, we did the Taskmaster Studios, and I was zonked out like crazy. I didn't know what was going on.

And I was like, do you think that Aged or detracted from your vibe? I don't know. I was, during it, I just eventually had to let go of that. Do you get that? I was very kind of like, you know, one episode about, oh, that was pretty good. And the next one, but that was awful. I'm horrible. I've got to quit.

And then I just didn't want to be putting that out there and doing that. So I just kind of let go a bit. And that felt good. That's so nice. Yeah. I've never let go. Because they got your back on that show. Yeah.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah, it can be hard to let go. Yeah. But you can't fully let go. Some of these people who have fully let go. It's just awful. Yeah. Yeah.

But you know what? I mean, you do need inhibitions. I can't tell that you're gacked up right now, Andrew. That helps. Thank you. You're welcome. Can we perform a sketch now, please? Yeah, let's hear the sketch.

You practice a sketch? You're both looking at me, but I feel like you got. Oh, how did you forget this? Sam, you looked at me like, mm-hmm. Can we have a quick. council. Side farm. You don't remember this.

We practice it every day for like two weeks. Just remind me of the first line. What do you mean? What do you mean you practice a sketch every day for two weeks? For me? I don't, you do the punchline so I don't remember it either. Okay, so it's like, you're like, oh, I need you. I guess I can hear you, so it's kind of tricky.

I guess I'll just keep talking over you. We asked Sam, if you wanted to be on the table. Okay, Catherine, Catherine, we're ready. I think I know it. I can't quite remember. Oh, I scratch myself and now I'm bleeding. I can't help you with that. What blood type are you?

This is like your question. What blood type? I'm a no positive. Are you really? Yeah. Oh, wow. I actually, and this is rare, don't have any of the stuff. That's...

You've got no blood? That's a man who's scared of beetles and doesn't want to donate blood. I got no blood. I'm out of it, actually. I'm a sex. I've got sort of ink, like a pen or an octopus. Like that bit in Finding Nemo. When the little jellyfish goes,

you guys you mean me ink and he's just the ink everywhere it's so silly you like finding nemo yeah i don't like finding nemo yeah it's really good isn't are you guys not donating blood you don't know your blood type no i smoke i mustn't you can't give it if you smoke what's your excuse for donating blood um yeah i didn't know is my yeah i should do it i'll give you some blood if you want how much do you want katherine how much of my blood do you need is enough Catherine Beahe wants my blood What's that thing

How are you? Wow Catherine Brohat wants my blood So I must be doing something right You could do that needling your face And put the blood in of a younger person Oh yeah Oh yeah It's intense yeah

Have we experimented with animal blood And putting animal blood in us Many times What are we going to No not yet Still time Could be a bit of pig's blood Oh no

Bacon Hagan Oh no You ate so much cow for lunch you're a wild Not really, not really That was just a bitter beef for lunche Just a bitter beef for lunche A lovely beef sandwich for the young lady please

I'm ready for my sketch now I'm ready for my sketch Okay okay I feel there's another part of it that I'm forgetting But that's okay isn't it I'll find it as I'll find it I'll find it so I remember I'm one of great fortune tellers

palm readers I can read your palm And tell anyone's fortune Oh And please tell me what my fortune will be Yeah, woman Futurama I'm sorry I'm reading

That's not part of it Start again, sorry Start again, sorry Start again What is this Your professional You're professional performers You can't just start

Again in a live You're both professional You cannot start again From a live performance In the midst of it They can cut this up They can bleep this stuff Don't you dare bleep

This is a live performance Ah The Great Cambini I've heard incredible thing May you read my fortune? Why, of course. Helen. Ah.

Oh, there's glitter on my hand. I see some kind of stone. Oh, my God. A gravestone? Oh, is that your mind? No, I say that. You say a diamond. I'm going to get married.

Start again. No. Chattern one more time. One more time. You get one more ago. I'll hold the trophy. No. Come on.

You guys need to focus. Did you see that? The look in her eyes. She's like, Gollum. She's like, Oh my God. And I get that reference now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I get it. I get it. I get it. Oh, she just watched the Lord. You know he had another character, Gollum. There was Gollum Smeagle and there was one other guy

he would do called Mark, but he was just a bit boring. He's like, hello. You know what? I'll say this. Gollum's got many layers to him and I don't think he's about him.

He doesn't have many layers. As he wears but a loin cloth. And it slits. Oh, absolutely frothing at the bit on the sofa, Saneal walks in. Pause it! One hour, 33 and 37! You see Gollum's Nutsack. My precious.

Very similar to the crazy frog, probably the same animator. Carry on. Yeah, I don't know if he was meant to be a frog. There's a lot of stuff online about that. The crazy frog are gone there. People said that. Like, people are you seen this frog. But he's not really a frog.

I think he's an alien. Excellent. Is the singer? Yeah, yeah. I think the frog Gollum. His name is Smigel. People called him Gollum because of the noise he was making in his throat.

Truly, you just watched it and I can't care. So, come on, are we getting a sketch or what? I think I look like Arwen. Three, two, one, action. Huh, the Great Cambini. I've heard amazing things. Would you read my fortune? Helen Bauer, 32 years old.

I believe you had sort of some sort of beef sandwich for lunch. That's how big fagel. Bifigel, yes, yes. I had a vision of this, yes, yes, yes. This is your... This is my hand. Oh, I see some sort of stone.

Oh my God. A diamond? I'm getting engaged. No, say gravestone. You're going to die. Was that it? There was something else to work. There was something else that was really good.

Wait, that's the whole thing. From being too beautiful. No, it was that. Okay, so I would go like, We're doing it one more time. We've got it. Give her another take. What I've got.

Give her another take. I feel like I'm pleased to run in the cup. Fine. But you do hate. You go when and then I say, I understand I get it. I get it. I get it.

I don't know. I understand. Look and make the two of you, do not fuck it up. Okay, here we go. Okay, RuPaul. Here goes. Everything. So imagine I'm in a sort of whatever.

I can see a tent around you. Yeah, yeah. There's a tent. Okay, ready? Oh, the fair. The Great Campiria, the fair. Afternoon. Do, do, do, do to do, do, do, do, do, do the great Cambini.

I've heard amazing things. May you read my fortune? Of course. Helena Bauer. 32 years of age Best newcomer nominee 2019 Oh yes

Interesting Oh wait No of course Yes I see some sort of stone A diamond I'm getting engaged It's a gravestone

You're gonna die Of what courts No you've got to say when You've got to say when You can't have another go Can we go from that? Can we go from that? Because I did mess up. You didn't pick it up, but that is it.

We're not picking it up. We're not picking it up. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. The bearded lady. See the bearded lady? What a day of the fun fair. Tis Kent, 2020. Come and see the lobster boy.

The lobster boy was marvellous. The day at the fairer was, Ah! The great Cambini tent! Good sir. Read my fortune, if you will. Ah, yes. Helena Bowler.

How? Did you know my name? You live with Sineal. How? Let's do a thick sort of a rew and it comes out of there. You can add a sound for that later, right? Ah, yes.

Or like a fairy noise. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, interesting. Yes. Yeah.

I see some sort of stone. A stone? A diamond? Oh my God, I'm getting engaged. It's a gravestone. You're going to die. When? Today.

Of what course? Let me just check the fine print. From being too beautiful. Beautiful. You fucked that endline. That was all right. That was good. That was all right.

I felt like I was at the moment. Hold on. From being too, beautiful. It's nice. It's good stuff. Catherine, do you want your fortune? No, thank you. You genuinely practice that a lot.

It was really smooth a month ago, but it has been a while, and that's not on either of us. May I say? I think there was another part as well. No, that was it. No. Was that it?

I think there was something else. Did it improv it until we find it? No, we... May I say that? We were doing it standing usually. I think this is what throw us off. May I say? Yeah.

When you gave me the intel that you were going to do a sketch that you'd practiced, you said it like, you'd practiced a sketch, you'd written a sketch for me. You were like, we've written you a sketch. Well, we wanted to perform it for you.

Catherine, if you could go back in time and say three words to your 15-year-old self, what would they be? Don't, date, What about you, Sam? Well, I think I have to defend my bloody guys. We got some good guys. Which ones?

Do you want to date them? No. No, Sam, Tom, strong. What would you say to your 15-year-old self? What was your 15-year-old self like? Did you have long hair? No, I feel like I wasn't really switched on yet. I hadn't been activated.

Do you know what I mean? I was just like walking around. Were you astounded? I honestly would always walk. There was some rocks near the house where I lived, I would just walk on those rocks and think about who knows why and my parents would be like looking out at me

like what's going on there. Let's talk weaponizing grief. Oh my grandfather's in hospital and he was but like oh I need to leave early like I can't show up I'm grieving like make people invite me to their birthday parties because my grandparents are night like constantly constantly yeah like all the time

Are you usually a very honest person? No No not you No I have my moment I don't know, yeah, yeah Do you ever do stuff like that? Are you ever like, you're like,

well, what am I up to here? Yeah, kind of, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we all look back at our youngest selves and go, like, what was the plan with that? Yeah. Oh, I think I make bad decisions all the time still. Yeah, and you put them under the microscope. Yeah, of course.

Oh, yep, I'm trash. Turns out. I bet's going on there. And then I wait for the day before my period to bring them all up and then get Saneal to bring me Biscuit while I cry and shame eat. And how's your cycle? Yeah, good, actually, regular as far.

Is that a question you read? Like, how do you talk to women about their periods? How regular is your cycle? And how is your cycle? I've got a pamphlet. You can't be like, how's your badge? So you have to be like, how's your... Is your womb lining shedding smoothly?

How about this? Orlando Bloom? It's quite an old pamphlet. Regalus! As I know him now. Yes, you do. The one ring to rule them all. Did you hear what's so silly? It's literally about a ring,

ridiculous to start with there's literally like 10 rings but they're all like freaking out that's one but there's like nine others and no one's talking about it apart from the beginning it's mental I'm a lot of the rings fan now okay guys let's do a problem you ready to do a problem yeah before we do Sam um what kind of advice giver are you because we're going to give advice so what kind of advice would you say people come to you for advice no no this would be a first for me yeah you've never given any advice even career advice oh I I don't think so.

Even running advice? Not really. If someone says, how have you been, is that advice? No, that's just a question. Yeah, that's a question in response, isn't it? Sorry, I think I need to make the question simpler. Have you ever had a conversation? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that has anyone been like, people at the shops and stuff? Here's what's going on with me, and then you've proffered some people. I think I've given it. Have you ever given unsolicited advice and you can, you're saying, you can see on their face? Yes, yes. I'll give you your notes. But you know, it's like, you know what I think you should do and you can just see on their face, they're like. Yeah.

Yeah. So what do you, so you would say you're like an unsolicited, bad. I think I've maybe chosen bad moments, but I'm keen to, I'll give it a crack with this kind of stuff, yeah, with some trustees. Okay.

Some trustees. Well, let's try it with the trustees. We call them hogs. They're actually called hogs. Doggies. So, um, I'm sorry, I'd like to do this problem. Catherine. Um, fabulous.

This is a problem from R. Hi, Ar. Um. I hope it's not Arkelly. That'll be so random. It's not. It's not. Hi, Hogs.

Hi. I'm a big fan of the podcast, but I'm going through some legal issues at the moment. Perfect. I was joking. It was R. Kelly. It's not. Always counter food. No, this is a friendship issue.

I'm so gullible. I was like, I guess they have legal issues. Okay, so I'm trying to think of a way to pretend it was R. Kelly without being too dark and I couldn't. That's my bad. Whose phone is that? This one? Mine. This is mine.

Awesome. But how are you guys with the phones? You're using the phone too much? I hate them. I'm sick of having a brick that people can just interrupt my life with all the time. Stop squawking at me. Mine's fun because I kept my Pokemon on it and I've got a Pokemon card I keep behind here. Yeah.

I'll show it to you. How are you with yours? I only got an iPhone last year because I went to Spain and I was worried I get lost. And now I'm beside. I've got it in black and white and I put it in the phone jail. I've got that jail. What jail? You can get this thing and maybe I've got it in my bed.

Oh, you lock it. You lock it in there. And then he gets really. and he comes out again. That's smart. Do you do that when you're writing? Sorry? Yeah, and just for life, I try not to look at it too much.

I think I should do that. I need a phone jail. Because every time you use this thing, there's a, you know, or these scientists who have designed it to make you look at it more. You know, you're bursting in these guys. And these are smart guys.

Yeah, me. I'm totally sucked into it. I love my phone. Yeah. I don't want to lock it away. It's my baby. Someone was telling me recently that phones are going to start dating each other.

Like two people's phones will be going out. They're like talking about their owners and stuff. was it you was it a different part of your own brain that told you that no that's definitely a big theory was it a gacto van i do have a really good theory and we will get to this question my theory is that the human brain we do have one but the thing inside our head is not the brain what listen to this katherine and helen so this is a theory that i have right so i reckon we've got something in there but do you know what i mean like you don't carry around

your most important thing like the thing this do you know what i mean like you yeah so i think we've got something in there. We've got a skull that's protecting something. But really rich people, they don't have much on them. They've got a really thin wallet. Have you seen a rich person's wallet? Yes, it's thin. It's like a callback to before you came in.

I was talking about my wallet. Well, Helen was. About wallet. Wallet thickness. Apparently my wallet's unexpectedly masculine and fall. She's got your dad's wallet. Oh, right on. Bulging with loyalty cards.

My dad keeps always money in a pillow sack. That is quite thick. That is, yeah. Apparently off brand. It's very off brand. As thick as the Bible. Wait, wait, where are they leaving there? Where is our brain?

Well, this is my idea, and this is maybe crazy. But do you know, so first of all, what's in here? So I think the brain is somewhere, and the goal of our life is to find it. So we, I believe... Do you think we're on a treasure hunt for our own brains? Yeah, well, yeah. Like the scarecrow, the Wizard of Us. There is.

I feel this longing. We're all looking for something, and I think it's our own brains or our own, where these thoughts are coming down. No, it's in your skull. It's not. It's not. It's not. What about when they're going open and then? you see that grey mass?

I think that could be anything. Mine's green. I think that a lot of that is fake. But how can when they touch or like move or take out parts of the grey mass, your behaviour changes? I don't think it does. I think you've been listening to the global elite a little too long. I want to tell you, I believe that the brain is connected to the soul

and the soul can live outside your body. Yeah, yeah. So that's, yeah, yeah. Listen to this. Back me up here, Alan. So there is. Do you ever feel that you're sort of outside of yourself sometimes? Yes.

sure but yes so I believe that we are spending our lives trying to find this brain it is hidden it could be in a cave we don't know in a cave somewhere like Plato's cave something like that you're putting so much into this what is Plato's cave tell me it's when the illusion of the self and ego and stuff isn't it it's it comes after the theory of the philosopher ruler so it's when he's like starting to lose his mind that he thinks that he should be a dictator and being control of everything and it's like the idea of yourself being inside of the cave. I got laughed. What is it again?

No, no, no, no. We've got to, seriously. Okay, so we, first of all, what is in there? No, no, no, no. It's... No, go for it. I'm getting confused between that and the cat. And all these phone scientists are outsmarting us. Can you believe it? In the allegory of the cave, a group of

people who have lived, chained to the wall of a cave all their lives facing a blank wall. Oh, so that's our accepted reality. Despite the fact there's a full reality outside of the cave that they are unaware of, but it does actually technically exists. Yes, yes. That was word for word.

Exactly what it says. Fucking yes! Helen, thank you so much for collaborating on this theorem. Plains with Republic! Helen, how did you get them? Because I read. No one believes me. No, I know you do, but you got it word for word.

That's bizarre. That wasn't word for word. It was being sarcastic. Okay, so this is all phased to the theory. So there is... There is a cave that's got brains in it and we have to point it. Okay. That's what you got from that?

Yeah. That tracks. That scans. That's good. Have you ever been told that you send sometimes like Donald Trump? A little bit Yeah So basically

We are looking for these brains So basically it's not inside our skull And the brain is the reality Outside of the cave We're stuck in our own cave Have you noticed We've got two of everything on our head Two eyes

Two nostrils Two ears We've only got one tongue Until now All we always have I believe we have a second tongue That's really long And also gold

That's up inside there And we're protecting it Because it's a key I think he's being silly So, no, as soon as we... I've literally just clicked into this. He's pulling my leg. No, no, no.

So that's this long golden. There's not a tongue in your head. They would have seen it on a scanner, you fucking idiot. These people are trying to cover this stuff. Up, the mainstream media. So this... It's a long golden tongue that's up inside the skull. If we manage to find our real brain, which could be in a cave...

Do you still not have a television? And once we find it, it's like a key. I'm guessing no. As soon as you... I think you should get one. The comments are going to be people. We love this. theory of the real brain, the second brain, the brain.

Please finish it, sorry. Yeah, I think it's a good theory. So we'll just start from the start, just to build up momentum. We don't have a brain inside our head. We've got a second tongue. It's long. We're protecting it with the cage that is our skull. We're trying to track down our real brain, which is kept safe inside a cave.

We find that, we lick that's our real brain. Suddenly we go to the second level, aka heaven, aka paradise. And have you found it? No, no, no. Always looking, always searching. Yeah. I think I'll find it three months. Can you add some music when I talk about my theorem as well, if that's okay?

So to be very clear, you think we have to keep licking caves till we find our own brain? Not looking at cave? No. Let me say, I'm on it next. Can I just check what kind of music do you want? Is there a particular track? Something, we're talking Lord of the Rings, so maybe something quite like, beautiful and a lot of scope, mountains. Lovely.

Got it. I really appreciate it. Mount Doom. That's the Mountain in Lord of the Rings. Rivendale. Oh. R, R. That's where I would like, R.

Good luck, oh yeah, sorry, R. What's the question? We haven't heard of it. I just realized people have tried to ask you for advice. And can you also, when I'm doing the story, can you cut to reactions of these guys where they're going, like, like, that they love the theory? Do you want me to AI generate that or just to get some, like, B-roll? Yeah, can we just get some? Yeah.

Okay. What? Yes. Catherine? No. No. No. I don't think so

I'll cut to old She'll be in different outfits But she'll be positive Different outfits Different years You've got a friend For a second We're in a different room

I texted Helen I was like Can I say my theory She's like yeah Helen's real I mean now I'm Catherine's so excited about it You didn't text me that

You called me last night at 1030 I was sorry Is the podcast happening And you went I'm with my nephew Can I put him on He's a really big fan And then you went like this with your phone

And they went Hi! It's a miss you And I was like Are you guys dating what's happening that that's very no just a nice phone call we're just chat are we? No I would

know I wouldn't think so would you? Yeah I wouldn't think so I wouldn't think so okay go on sorry so our's problem is I have quite a small friend group really there's only three of us a small garden but well tended to we hope

however so lovely that was very beautiful but R has moved away for uni for the last few years and they've all kept in contact via a group chat and calls when we can. Nice. The issue is that one friend, brackets H, has quite a specific approach to giving advice.

And that approach is that he basically doesn't. I understand having healthy boundaries and he is not a qualified therapist. But it's not even just big stuff he doesn't really respond to. Small things don't get his attention either. He offers no advice or really any support. That's not good or you will be okay. I think this would be fine if he didn't then expect me and my other friend to eventually

essentially provide free therapy which we are absolutely not qualified to give. We expected to help him with all of his issues big and small and although I have no problem

offering a friend advice like this and try my best, it feels like he takes this for granted and doesn't give anything back to us. The issue is amplified by the fact that we can often have a conversation or a call without age

bringing up his problems. I feel like there's a misbalance of emotional labour in the friend group. I found myself of ignoring the group chat for days at a time or more just because I don't want to face it I love my friends and they're

honestly like a family to me I know age has a lot on at the moment I don't want to add to his plate but I do want to confront and fix this imbalance what should I do this is the problem require education you'll be you'll be right let next question please you never go to uni this would never have happened

because your world would have been smaller and a bit easier it is hard because you're like can this person changed this is a hard one I think and it's a really good question as well. Catherine? No, hang on. You're not being like

you shouldn't have gone to uni and you're like, yep, tricky and then I'm fielding this. Don't be a pair of H's. Come on. It's so hard because I am an H though

so I have to say. Double Hs, come on. Yeah, there's a bit of H there's a bit of H marbled through all of us, unfortunately. But it's just hard and this stuff of maybe they are just growing apart

and she's really, this guy he's a bit of a, you know, and I know I've got a golden head but maybe he's a bit of a narcissist and he isn't really ready to like I don't know it's hard because you kind of go up to someone and be like give us advice and be what I

want you to be and I think you can say to a friend hey I'd really love to know your opinion yeah yeah I'd really love to know that you're like hearing what I'm saying yeah you can say that but like if they don't then it's just like maybe maybe like maybe H needs a therapist

yeah it doesn't maybe shouldn't no but then again it's nice hearing of people's problems as well hearing them but you don't want them to sticking, I don't know, I feel like he's gone overboard with this stuff. Yeah. I think I focus probably on what you're doing rather than what he's not doing. So I think I'd be like inclined to say things like, when you need advice,

I take the time to consider what you're saying, listen to you, and then offer as best I can supportive feedback. And I always try to be constructive and I always try to care about what you care about. Then I might say, I feel like when I do the same, it is. is met with something different. Do you agree? Could we talk about why? And then you can make a decision

if the answer's like he feels out of his depth, he feels like he doesn't know what to say. If it comes from a place of like, if you sense it comes from a place where he doesn't want to and he doesn't care, then I think you can be like, it's not reasonable for you to expect me to do something that you won't reciprocate.

Maybe in a past life he gave advice and it went really badly. Indeed. And that's how he ended up with the war on terror. Listen, exactly. What? My thought is that I loved what Catherine just said, and I think you could use that.

So get this, clip this, and do a TikTok where you are over it. Have you seen people put themselves over a video? And you're all listening to this and you're going. And somehow get him to see that. That's what I would do. Have you seen ones where they're like, yeah. And it's like, and then pointing up at Catherine, you're like, so she's saying that stuff and you're gone.

I actually really like that. It's not a bad idea. Listen, I don't hate it. But I also is going to say that if it comes from a place where you think he doesn't care, I think you can at least set a boundary where you're going to say, like, okay, fine, I won't be able to do that for you. But if it comes from a place where he's feeling like it's inappropriate to comment on things for you and he doesn't see the disparity, then maybe you can open that conversation and invite him to.

Because I will say there are contexts where, like, it feels difficult to give advice if you don't have the lived experience. So, like, it'll be very tricky for me to give advice on how. Well, I was going to say it's very tricky for me to give advice to people about not being a serial monogamist when, what's all I do? I can't whistle. But it is all I do. Like, being single is, like, not a place that I can massively give loads of advice on. And so I sometimes will just try to not, to, like, shut up.

Yeah, that's where we balance each other, I guess. But do you know what I mean? I think friendship over. It is a hard one because he needs to need. to be like, because we're all steering the ship, but there's other spaceships in the solar system, and he needs to look out the window and see these other people flying around, if he can.

Please do that. Have you been watching that documentary and Discovery Plus as well? No. Oh, no, me neither. It's proven. What is it? The aliens are out there.

Oh, they are, of course they are. But they're here and they're watching us now. Really? Underground. Everyone was always looking up, but you've got to look down. I really... Any more problems, Andrew? Do you think that was helpful?

Sorry, Catherine. I really want to collaborate with an alien. I do! tell you what i'd go on a flight to Arizona honey and start digging it's like digging start digging yeah down apparently that's where they are they're sort of worm they would be worm like they buried into the earth barra i'll go with you if you want I'd love to go to Arizona we could go on a great road trip I'd love to see you guys I can you can you never mind can you not drive that fits okay that was a nice idea though it's very stressful I would

recommend not learning I asked Anil early this week I was like would you you take me to Dollywood, and he went, no, and then walked away. It was awful. Dollywood. Yeah, it's in Tennessee, but it's in Pigeon Ford. Oh, Dolly Parton themed, yeah. It's quite far away. You kind of need a car to get there.

I've been. It's nice. Let's have one more problem, please. Let's do two more. No, we don't have time because we have Nathan Fode coming in. Oh, are you serious? I know Nathan Fode. I know you know Nathan Fode.

Does he know I'm going to be in? I don't know if he knows that you're going to be here like this. Well, you guys can do a little handshake before you. Can we do it? Can I trick him or prank him? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, great.

Yeah, can I actually do that? Yeah, yeah. That would be so funny. I would actually love to do that. That would be amazing. Oh my God, if you hide in there and then, oh, while he's on camera. Yes. We can give the new Ellen.

Can we actually do that? Yes, we have to. That would be so funny. Because you know what I could do. I can make a sound, I could go, and he goes, what is that? Yes! Like Helen in the back of the scene. I do know it pretty well.

We were to sit come together. Okay. Sorry, Sam, obviously, well, congratulations on Taskmaster. Where can people find you? Oh, I just worry. around YouTube YouTube yeah YouTube specifically that's your that's your advice okay thanks so much for having me all I'm a big fan of you guys oh my God thank you for coming on I love you Sam Cambini we like you lot Sam Campbell thank you for coming because love

people like to hear that I think people find it weird when they don't know you love and imagine you say all this stuff and I start hovering I love you thank you for coming in thank you I appreciate this has been very professional yeah good job you guys really rock Oh, so do you. Hardcore! My brother, I brought my brother to see Sam at a gig and indeed Brittany when my brother was over from Dublin in London

and my brother was charmed and has bought tickets to Sam Campbell's Dublin show on the basis of that. He's very excited. So go see Sam in Dublin if you're Irish, you'll enjoy his comedy. Bring your brother and remember, no nephews. Yay!

I'm going to bring my brother. You love Ted. I like you. He's a good boy. He's a good boy. And hey, I know this is like all coming and do the podcast. and all this stuff but I'd love to get a meal

with you guys one day We'd love that That's not That's not Yes you will Why We could have a meal Lame

Why can't we have a meal I was kidding Just because they're filming I said that As if I'd have a fucking meal with you I'd rather I'd rather fucking die And Catherine got so excited

I have a fucking meal With my mate I just thought it'll be nice Go to the picture quickly Why are we fucking around Yeah we got to get ready for this prang welcome to the executive lounge we have a new guest today first we'd like to say thank you to

guy goodman simon mors mary fox annie tonner sarah deacon Oliver jaco anthony conway matthew thomas and today's new and special guest madeline quay and welcome to the land madeline thank you all for your service and support welcome to the lounge to our producers you're not in the executive you're in a lounge you're in a lounge but it's not like okay you're in a sitting there you know what It's another lounge, and you're having a lovely time. Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bold, Neil Redmond, Victoria Hutchinson, Harold Van Dyke, Tim and Dom, David Walker. Oh my God, Tim and Dom. I wonder if I'll see them at Birmingham.

I must do. I must. Please come. David Walker, Rachel R. Sadie Cashmore, Claire Owen Jones, Jess and Nick, Zoe, Sarah, Molly, Ria Fink, Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Graham Marsh, Amy O'Reardon, Abi Wharf, Key Webb, Matt Sims, Luke, Bright, Leah, Kate, Spencer,

Tristan, Liz Fort, Taz, Clow, Becky Fotz, Emily G. This is amazing, this is getting longer, but it is a lot more for me. It's so nice. Thank you so much.

Dean, Dean Michael. Glenys Wood. Stephanie Katlacia. Sophie Chivers. Mark Anthony. Carrie Soothee. We've never fixed you. Sooth, Suze.

We have figured it. I know, but I know, I know, I have no memory. Charlie A. Charlie A. Thank you to you. When you think of skyrocketing brands like Allo, Allbirds, or Skims, it's easy to credit their success to great products, sleek branding, and brilliant marketing.

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