Trusty Hogs - Ep114. CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Episode Date: December 28, 2023

Through a haze of cheese and cold meats, we somehow remembered to actually upload our Christmas episode on time! We exchange secret santa gifts (after an unfortunate mix up), chat through our plans and traditions, and invent a new social media...TOUR TICKETS: trustyhogs.com/tourThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Deakin / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew Thomas / Madeline QuinnePRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Emily Gee / Dean Michael / Glenys Wood / Stefanie Catracchia / Sophie Chivers / Marc / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Hayley WorfWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Every hog Welcome to the Christmas special Sure, it's currently between Christmas and New Year's Yeah But you've done it That's also when you need us the most Through the fog Step forth the trusty hogs

Yeah You're gonna give them your problems And they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine

As the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not You've done it You've done it, you've done it You've made it through the hard part It's almost time to go home Okay, so let's start with some powerish Christmas announcement

Okay, and then I have a history Christmas corner as well Love that Love it Mine are sort of coping mechanisms Which I know you might not need any more but if you haven't finished with your family mine personally are watching films as a group

is technically counts as spending time together never forget it secondly go out for a walk every single day if you can if you're able get out there it is time alone forget about female safety it's the middle of the night you need to escape go on a walk by yourself no lights take a risk

absolutely while the light is out get out there the third thing is if you put your I personally I do tend to revert at home and I find getting dressed as soon as I get up incredibly helpful

it sounds so weird but like if I'm in my pyjamas in the middle of the day I am a teenager that's just a fact when I'm at home 100% and the third thing is

if there's something that like it really bothers you say for example for me it is if I'm honest that if I leave food in the common space it gets eaten I can never just be like

that's for later for me it's always gone So I just put food in my bag and I have food that I like in so I don't panic or get mad for like reasons that might seem irrational to other people. I just, I'm like, okay. You're literally preaching to the secret eaters choir. But I know that sounds like I'm the secret eater. I can hide food anywhere on my body.

No, no, it sounds like I'm the secret eater in that situation. It's not that. It's that I end up getting so upset and annoyed about why anybody would do that that I can't be happy. What most of you struggle with in the office all year round with the yoghurt. Catherine struggles with at Christmas time with a family. Yeah, and if you're hearing a loud noise, it's like I'm wearing tinsel on my head and so is Helen

and it's actually very itchy so I'm not sure how long I'll last but it's there mine's not actually touching my head oh I just went over oh yes okay maybe I'll go that it's the skin contact that's awful I don't have any skin contact mine's just over the top that's very you're very you're going also ensure we're wearing Christmas accessories and our hairs please girls guys nice get out your Christmas accessories it feels very let's put in an effort sparkly earrings it feels very um wise men the way you have it and it's beautiful I like it which one

Caspian, Balthazar. What's the other one called? Balthazar. What's the other one? C. How do you even know who the first is? Because it's that Catholic. Oh, the Catholic thing.

No, I know. It's C-B-P. Who's the third wise man? Andrew, you better be Googling it. The three magi are Casper, Melchior and Balthasar. Melchior. Melchior. Oh, what's he like?

Oh, my God, actually, this looks better this way. God, I look amazing. Isn't it such a beautiful accessory? I'm so huge. Oh my God, I'm going to wear this all Christmas. What is happening with the Christmas season this year? I took the bus through Central London here today, so it's just before Christmas,

and there was like so many kids on the street with their parents, and I was like, oh my God, and we must be close to, like, the Panto, or something must be a Panto going on. They were all outside of the play Hamnet. Fuck off. I'm not joking, and I was like, there has to be like a father Christmas meet and grie on the stage of the theatre.

You cannot take a kid. Because for all intents and purposes, Hamnet is about the death of a kid from the plague. That is what the story is. British people are so creepy. You can't do a kids trip out to see that. You guys give me the freaking creeps.

We give you the creeps. Sorry, do your parish announcements, go on. Oh, that was my main parish announcement. It was COVID mechanism. My other parish announcement, and this is very vital. Listen in, lean in, come here to me now. Parish announcement number two, it's post-Christmas if you're listening to this.

It's about to start. Here comes the motherfucking bullshit. Look at me. to me. Focus. You don't have to go on a diet. You don't have to stop drinking if it doesn't suit your lifestyle. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to exercise eight times. You don't have to do anything. It's

just another day. Eight times of what were you going to say? A week. Whatever the bullshit is. Oh, Jesus no. No, a year. Whatever. The point is looking. Yeah, eight times a year. Bezos says. I'm serious though. It's got places to go. Here it comes and just disengage, unfollow, mute

whatever the fuck. I don't. You don't have to do anything. I just, I'm here to remind you, you have to do nothing. It's just another day. I don't know what day of the week is New Year's this year? Anyone? Cheese Day. Is it?

I think it's a Sunday. Right, it's just a Sunday. Thank you, Andrew. It's just a Sunday. It's just a Sunday. I'm doing a New Year's gathering. Good for you. It's just a Sunday.

Relax. You don't have anything. And remember, at midnight, put your drink down, put down your cigarette and make sure you stop eating at that point. No, that's the opposite of what I'm saying. People say, people say sober January. Not for me. No food January.

Stay dry, January. It's called the fast, okay? You wait until February to eat. You will pass out. Roll with it as part of the cute girl effect. Do what if you want to. Do it if you actually want to. But just check in if you want to. Just actually check in. What should our New Year's resolution? We haven't done that. What should our resolutions be? How are you? Mine's to go to Mexico. Great, you're good. Mine was, but you said I couldn't come with you and Francis. That's so awful, isn't it? No, it was. It's been to have a work life. Well, anyway. Oh my God, it's gifty time. Wait, no, I've got history to tell you first. Wait, should we do some gifts and then we'll do history, then we'll come back to do gifts. I think of a bit of a gift. Oh, okay.

I'll receive first. Okay, present pillow princess over here. Anyone who doesn't know, did we do this on the extras, the Secret Santa moment? Last time, not sure. Me neither. Public Santa, here we go. This year we decided to do an office Secret Santa. Out in the open for you all to see.

And the gift price limit was, 20 pounds yes it was what it was 20 pounds are you fucking joking it was 20 pounds Andrew did you spend a tenor no I'm joking oh my god I was like if he's got me and he spent a tenor I'm walking out he thought it was ten I know his life face

I know you're lying did he actually Alex is saying he told him it was 10 it's 20 you spent wait wait wait wait wait so have the boys bought the women half price gifts Andrew why have you doubled down on saying you're I thought it was a ton of I'm so sorry.

Oh my God. Both of you go to a cash point right now when you're getting out of tenor each. Yeah, you are. I overspent to look like you. Actually, Alex, did overspend. Thank you, Alex, for overspending. I did buy, but not, not to the amount of 20.

Hang on a second. We're missing the point. I'm so sorry. I don't know why. You panicked and you lied, why? Who the fuck did you have, Andrew? I had Alex. Okay, Alex, who did you have? Oh, I swear to fucking God.

Alex, I'm so. sorry. This is a genuine mistake. I'm so sorry. That is the worst case scenario for this group. I've got a 10 pound gift. Are you fucking joking?

He said he overspend. You both? How much? Two pounds? I could work it out. That's an underspend of eight, sweetheart. Oh my God.

Cananda. You need to count. I think I might have spent 20 quits. Oh, Alex, you sweet angel. You better be pricing that up in your head right now, honey. Can you leave that boy alone? This is Andrew's fall.

Yeah, this is my bad. I'm so sorry. Andrew's fault who's the fuck did Andrew I'm sorry I'm sorry but in the year of 2023 where we still struggle with equal pay

how the fuck are the men I don't know saving their pennies saving their pennies I bought you a lovely cake just now can that count The business bought her a cake

we all bought her a fucking cake Oh yeah just so you know we like use a trusty hug's patron card to go out for food sometimes And Helen always take the piss By that I mean Uh uh uh uh I got a cake

You had a glass of wine And a side You had a glass of wine and aside You had a glass of wine and aside I was about to say that. And then I wanted a pistachio cream pie from a Italian deli. I'd love a little bite, though. I spent £20 pounds and 99 pounds.

Yes, Alice! For the benefit of the listener, Alex spent £20.99 on sweet little Helen. What did Andrew spend on Alex? £14. I'm sorry, Alex. And Alex will be receiving a bonus. Of £6 £6.

£6 £1. He will be, you piece of shit. Well, my defence, I'm doing another Secret Santa and I've mixed up the budgets. I'm so sorry. I'm doing another Secret Santa as well. I'm doing another Secret Santa. Sorry, you confused us with who?

The wine company I used to work for. Sorry, the wine company you used to work for, you confused us, your current three-year podcast collaborators with it. I thought the budget for both was £10, I'm sorry. Sorry, why are you in the Christmas Santa, sorry, the Secret Santa for a wine company you used to work for? They like me, what can I say? You're crazy.

Okay, well, my gift is arriving here. Thank you so much. Helen's got her gift from Alex, and now we know exactly how much it costs. Does it say sleigh all over it? Slay Queen Hell. Keep the sleigh spirit alive. Keep slaying.

Oh, Alex! Oh, Alex! He wrote sleigh on every reindeer. That's so cute. You're an angel. Okay, how could you be mean to that boy? He's so precious. For anyone who's just listening,

it's like Rudolph wrapping paper and all the reindeer. They have to say sleigh as an A-Y or E-I-G-H. Thank you so much. I love it. That's actually so cute that you made a couple of different ones. I'm so excited. She's on. wrapping she's on wrapping what is it what is it oh wow i told you chuckle only selection of dreams

yeah which by the way is perfect time for chalky porridge sorry what is this what is this what is this because this can be a different flavor every day that's my favorite one which is your favorite one hazelnuck one mine too no mine though hazelnok crunch is my favorite one too and what is this the selection of animal masks what? What? Intuition for what? Oh my gosh oh my Oh my God. Oh my God. That's amazing. Oh, my God. I love this. Helen, what could you be? A fox?

Show me fox. Show me a mouse. A mouse. You want to be a beer. A bear. Oh my God. It's actually a selection of animal masks. That's phenomenal. Oh, my God. Helen, you don't need Botox now.

Bonjourno. My name's Francesca and I live in Venice. I love it. You know when they do the mask balls? Oh my God. Show me more. Show me more. It's like I'm in Bridgeton. It's like you're at a sex party next.

It's like I'm in Bridgeton. No, it's not a sex. Is it a sexual thing? It could be. No, no, no. You're only young. What's wrong with me? A parliament of owls.

You're Terry Pratchett. You really don't need Botox with his own. Okay, ready for this joke? Ready? You don't need Botox with these. Catherine. You asked me, did you hear about the person who got arrested? Hey, Helen, did you hear about the person who got arrested?

Who? Who? who? What I thought was you can leave them down there and any time a story calls for an animal mask you can put it on.

The man is brilliant Can I take two home at least? You can take them all. They're all yours. I love them so much. Thank you. That's so brilliant. You actually smashed that, Alice.

Oh my God, I love it. I've never seen her react so enthusiastically to anything. This is so silly. It's so fun. I actually didn't know that you got me until just these boys said. I'm so glad. No offense, everyone else.

Woo! Oh my God, this is amazing. The wrapping is exquisite on these gifts. Are we seeing this? It's so classy. Incredible. Oh, my God. The Holly?

I also got M, which is of real joy. I got M. You've got each other. Now, here's the thing. Well, yes, I am. The worst secret center of all time. Who's got me? Here's the thing.

I bought M's on sale because I needed to be in the budget, but I thought I'd had a. a real win, right? I was like, huh, I can't believe I got this on sale. When it arrived it is so much smaller than I expected to me, you know, when you're like, yeah, I've nailed that, and then it comes and you're like, huh, it's really tiny,

but, you know, we've all dated men, here you go. Oh my god, M, open yours, you go next. Yes, I'm so excited by my wrapping. My wrapping is so beautiful. No, it's beautiful. It's a dinosaur wrapping paper. No, the one that she gave me the beautiful holiday berries. No, M's crushed it.

Okay, yeah, it can't be a good, listen, can it? Us getting gifts? Okay, so M is currently opening and so is Catherine. I have three. Three gifts. What is this? What is this? Wow, I wonder what this could be. What is it? Oh, my God, this is beautiful. Oh, M. Look at that. It's a candle holder and it's three different colors of glass. A tree-colour candle holder.

Oh, this is so funny that. We got different, each other glassware. Oh, the lesbians bought each other homeware. No way. Oh my God, Em. You what? What did you say? What did you say? I don't remember. What did you say?

I don't think I said anything. Oh, what a lovely glass jug. Look. Look at that candle holder. That is very beautiful. That is divine. Yeah, because, Em... Okay, one second.

Can I tell you why? We're off mic for a second. No, we're on mic. We're on mic. Catherine just told me what she got me. Can I tell you why? Has this been planned? No, can I tell you how...

Can I tell you why? First of all, Em, this is absolutely exquisite and I love it so much. Oh, also I've, yeah, I've nailed yours. But here's the thing. The reason I told Em was, we were walking along.

We were Christmas shopping together, right? We're walking along. And I was like, blah, blah, blah. And Em was like, oh, dream. The thing I really wanted is this little green and what color? Pink and green jug from hay. And I was like, for a fuck sake, I had just ordered the orange and blue same jug from hay.

And I was like, and I was like, a part of me was like, well done, Catherine for choosing almost the right thing. but B I was like Oh fuck So then I like In my anxiety about it I was like What if it was blue and orange

I love this This is so beautiful Guys you did glassware I know we're so classy How did you say in budget I don't believe you You're so nice Candles for my candle holder

Oh this is cute Oh my god They're so beautiful to go with it And they're tapered Oh my God, they're exquisite Oh my God, you're such gorgeous taste Is that what tapered candles means When it's joined at the top?

No, because they go in at the top Oh, right, yeah Oh my God, like trousers Do you know what the best thing about this is It's going to look so beautiful In my new room Which I think you know Oh, that is so nice

It matches my bedroom Yeah, but same That all look amazing in there Oh my God, can M have me every year? Yes No offense to anyone else Oh, actually, oh no What is this? How is there a third thing?

Oh my God. But yeah, I panicked because I was like, oh God, I've gotten the wrong colored jug, but are you sure it's okay? It is beautiful. Oh, if Mike, she said she absolutely loves it. It's the best gift she's ever gotten. She wouldn't change it for the world. It means everything to her. It's ideal.

I actually know her better than she knows herself, she said. I was like, okay, I'm relaxed. Yum! Yum! Is that croissant-flavored chocolate? It's cross-on flavored chocolate. Oh, fuck, that's amazing. I cannot wait to try it

Oh my god tasting notes Crisp flakes Crem caramel and cultured fuck that gets me going Sorry to have a weirdly

sexual reaction to this chocolate But fuck Em These are things I would never buy for myself And are so lovely Thank you

I'm so glad Thank you to the lady queer section of the podcast Oh damn Last wear candles And fancy chocolate Yay And neither have you bought a candle

there is actually one more gift for you Catherine because before I knew we were doing a secret Santa system I fucked this whole thing up so much I already bought something for you Andrew no I owe you don't get too sincere okay shut down sorry no I just

because I'm going to feel bad if you go really really sweet and then I come in with this it's the ultimate guide to TikTok 2024 edition yes it's awesome is it TikTok for idiots I think that's for the sort of vibe, yeah. Oh my God. Andrew, I'm so old and you bought me a how-to for TikTok. The biggest TikTok to talkers in the year, and I'm not on there. Oh my God, there's a guide to going viral.

Guys, watch out. 2024 is my year to go viral on TikTok once I read this hardback book. And this is your reminder that you can follow trusty hogs, Andrew, Helen, and Catherine all on TikTok. Please join us again for more gift given after a message from our sponsors, us. Andrew, come sit here and I'll give you your gift here. So nice. Who's your TikTok BFF? I don't even know. Hello, it's Catherine from Trusty Hoggs.

I'm going on tour with a new show called Again with Feelings in 2024. And I beg of you, all I want for Christmas is free to buy tickets. And you can totally palm it off as gifts for your loved ones, your enemies, your exes, your friends, your allies, your genuinely, I don't mind who. Your teachers get them gifts for my show. I'll have a nice time. I'm a nice girl. I'll be nice. I think it's going to be good. So you should probably also come. Do you want to come again with feelings? You can find tickets on catherine bowhart.com or I've linked to them in my Instagram bio.

Okay, Andrew. Who bought for Andrew? Now, Santa. Oh, it was Helen. It's Santa. And Alex, do you not open your gift from Andrew right now as well? There we go. You've got a card from Secret Santa, but we don't need that anymore. It with stickers on it.

What does it say? What does it say? What does it say? Andrew White. It says, Merry Christmas. Does it have a lepricron or an elf? It's an elf. It's kind of a lepricorny.

A green elf. That's very cute. And then, let's open. Does it have a message in it? Just from Secret Santa. And then Alex, what did you get? Yeah. Where is it?

Oh, is he there. It's on that. That's it. That's it. It says, Joy, dear darling, Andrew. Thank you so much for everything. Love your Secret Santa. Because I couldn't be seven.

It's in Helen's hand. What did Alex get? It's a scarf of a team. Who is this? So I got it. I got it. There's a little message on the thing. Oh, sorry, sorry.

It says it's a scarf for the cold season and the colours were right, red and white because Alex pulls Arsenal. And who's the fucking team though? And the mystery of trying to find the team. That sounded really, I really like the scarf, but I don't know who the team is. That's the fun is having to work out where the team is. I love finding, like, weird niche football things

and then, like, trying to search the, describe the badge. What's the crest saying? What's the crest? It's like a monk in a laurel. And what is the year say? 1900. They set up to football team in 1900. Did they fuck?

Yeah, yeah. A lot of teams are there. And it is 100% acrylic. That's my God. So those are the clues. Like they've always done since 1901. The team was founded. 1900 and if you follow us on Instagram

we'll put all of these on like the main post. Wait, you gave him a mystery and a scarf. Men are so fucking weird. But it's also Arsenal colours. It is. Is it Leightonorian? I don't think it is Leightonorian. Oh, you don't know either.

I don't know, no. No. And I got a box of chocolate. Thank you so much. And a box of chocolate. Yes, I love a lint double chocolate, which is new for this year. That is exciting, but what the hell is wrong with men? Okay, there we go, Alex.

Have you got that? We'll do a big picture. Your Christmas gift was football question mark? Do you know what the worst part is? I should, I should... You don't even know the answer. No, you start with the big one. Okay, the worst part is, is that when I was shopping around...

Thank God you had me, M. found something online that was like 25 pounds, and I was like, I don't want to buy the budget that much. And that would have been, I think it would be more better, but anyway, More better. I'm so sorry. When's your birthday, Alex? When's your birthday? The 20th of July.

Stop. Andrew owes you. I'm the 20th March. Both in the 20s. Coincidence? I won't remember by July so I'll get you a Valentine's gift instead. Thank you for the top of the time. Oh my God, imagine.

That would be such a good rumor. Get a go. It's a beret. It's a beret. It's a beret. For the football. A nice beret. It's a big.

It's a vintage wool beret. Will it fit your head? It looks like quite a big barrette, though. It does. And I've stretched it out. It's huge, it's huge, she said. Come on. Yes, communist daddy.

Yes. Oh, wow. Oh, that fits. It's so cute, Andrew. It actually really suits you. Thank you. I think it's very handsome. I think it's Tracey.

I think it's handsome. And that's going to keep you very warm. It will. Wait, Andrew, I couldn't tell because it looks the same, but you got rid of your moustache. I did, yes. It got to a point, basically,

and Jake, who will be listening to this, no offense to Jake, my boyfriend was very keen for me to keep the massage, and then the only person that gave it a compliment at all ever was my friend Jake, and he went up to shave it. Oh. Wow, what did Jake do wrong?

Jake is this always sort of counter zeitgeist with sex and stuff. So as soon as he was like, oh, I think it's good. And then you and my friend Sand and my family all hated it. it and it was like okay you know i was charmed by it i was so diplomatic about it i just said that you looked like my handyman i was charmed that's that's such even then you were very diplomatic i didn't say i hated it i was very diplomatic i didn't say i hated it i was very diplomatic alex actually looks like he's kind of enjoying his mystery so men are weird yeah he's actually

this is really enjoyable i'll update you as we go for the benefit of the lifter alex has got a boner and he's in the corner holding a scarf on to the next from helen Oh my God. Oh, now these... Did you go over budget by a mile? No, I didn't pay for these. These are from on my Granny, dead granny. But I have, she had loads of costume jewellery, like, so much of it.

And I've still got some. And I was like, I thought Jan Honkers, because my granny read the Daily Mail. Wow. Oh my God. And I was like, it would be nice to see it being used a little bit. No pressure. You don't have to. A, that's so sweet. B, in my head, Andrew takes these to a pawn shop and gets like shit loads of money for them. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Imagine they're worth loads.

He gets them, like, checks. Yeah, and you go travelling and take a break. Be nice. No, we need you. So you've got brooches and matching earrings. I love it. It's very Jan honkers, which is my drag car. It's so Jan honkers, that's what I thought.

That's incredible. But I would get them valued. Yeah? No, and my granny was not like, no. Yeah. I didn't get them valued just in case they're like you're sitting on millions. You could try, but I'm telling you now. She married a travel agent.

She married a travel agent. I was a travel agent. What does that mean? Oh my God, what's this? Did you travel a poorly paid shop? It was that. Oh my God. These are two vintage scarves from like...

I'm obsessed with them. I found them in the bin. And I thought, oh my God, that's quite Jan Honker's boss of Andrew. They are amazing. It's in like a bargain bin, not the bin. Yeah. These ones I paid for. They're divine.

It goes quite well with the britch. Yeah, it really does. They're divine. Andrew, you're gorgeous. Thank you so much. You're like, really giving. This one I really really. really like.

Isn't that gorgeous? Oh, it's quite big in it. The shade of that. This one I really like. There's always going to be one you prefer. I love it. I love both. I love them.

But they're Andrew and Jan. This with your big brown coat would be divine. Yeah. That would be divine. It's in the Vatican City colors. What's that? I know what the Vatican is. Is that a football club as well?

No, no. No, just the Vatican City. Imagine it's just the lads who aren't in Cathedral that day. Oh, actually. might be confusing in the Vatican City with San Marino. Either way, they look divined. Either way, what a fun thing to find out. That's a fabulous gift.

These are both lovely scarves. These are perfect for jam and I love the beret. I'll wear it to the football. Merry Christmas, Andrew, your secret Santa. So my... Wait, but this is red already, so if they beat you up, you can't tell. Yeah. They do their... Beat them up!

That's amazing. The football is the one place where I've seen people... Just any sort of... You know that thing where, like, oh, the stereotype of straight man, like, or wear like something a little bit flamboyant. It's literally like a hint of pink and be like, oh, what you're wearing that for? It's gay. Football, imagine that like times 2,000 people. If you're in the crowd

with anything identifiable, they'll be like, who's the wanker in the X-Y-Z? So I'll get who's the ranker in the beret. Don't wear the beret. I think wear it. I think you should wear it and then have a hook for, like have an answer in song. Yeah. You think that. Look, you can put a brooch in the middle for Jan Honkers so they stay together. Love that. Oh my God. Starnet.

Thank you. Thank you, Helen. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, everybody. One and all. One and all. Hey, while we have you, Andrew, and Helen, what is your favorite thing about Christmas that is not?

Listen to me. One good thing, please, because we're very negative about it on this. I'm not. One good thing that is not something you have to pay for. Cheese. Cheese. Okay, you're going to be free cheese. No, no, it's handing out on the streets of board.

or like cheese? Yeah, we always have a lot of cheese and my parents will buy the cheese so thank you, sorry I forgot I have to speak to my bike. Daddy buys me my cheese at Christmas so lovely. Okay, well that's not exactly the answer I was looking for but I'll take it.

You go, you go next. Mine is the fact that while I'm off, everyone else is off and by that I mean I'm quite a like anxious worrier that I'm not doing enough or that I'm like, you could always be doing more and the idea that I'm not sending emails and no one's sending me emails

is this precious, rare thing and I like that, the freedom to rest. Any idea how tempted I am right now to be like, you don't get email with Christmas? Like, we're all doing all of our business. Wait, wait.

Email, are you fucking joking? Oh, no, don't worry, I have to be on my phone the whole time you text and call too much. My tour gets put together between Christmas and New Year's. That's when we're hustling the most. I've got, like, so there's like some, like, funny memories.

Like, I like every year thinking about the time with sisters set fire to her hair during Chris Dengel makes me smile I set my hair on fire in a church once I think yeah what how did you do I bent over to light a candle you often like candles in Arnden Memory of the Dead there's my little like like teared candles

and I bent over and nobody noticed quite as quickly as they might have had I not been like a flaming ginger kid but because I was it was like quite you could smell it and then suddenly my uncle was like bashing me over the head and I was like what the hell Uncle Sean and then I was like oh no he was like your hair

was on fire I was like Poor little Catherine. I said the church knows before you do. That's all I'm saying. Were you only four? I was probably seven but still gay enough. Gay enough. Oh my God, is my sister gay?

Probably not because she doesn't love me. Yes. She got caught in fire during Christingle. Okay, I'm going to say I do like the music then. Yeah. I have listened this year the most out of any year before to like not the fun pop music but traditional. Christmas carols. I listened to

the Home Alone soundtrack on the way back from the New Forest. Somewhere in my memory. What were you doing in the New Forest? I had a weekend away with my girl. It was nice. They went to fleet services but only northbound. Boos. Yeah, that's what I was in here. Oh, I'm sorry. It's the way we were going. It's the way we were going.

Well, you must have gone south to go north. All right. Yeah, the traffic was awful. Oh, on the southbound one now. Pizza Express. They've got Pizza Express. But they've also got a good breakfast and at 12 o'clock it becomes a chopsticks. Isn't that beautiful sharing? Wait, before, it's a chopsticks. What is it in the month? It's a good breakfast.

No. Yeah, yeah. So isn't that an amazing use of time and space? God bless you, Fleet. Yeah. God bless you. God bless you, you're doing God's work. The, I watched Home Alone the other day just of a morning.

And I forgot how incredible Daniel Stern's scream is with a trencher on his face. It's phenomenal. And I tweeted that and then loads of people were like, it's actually ADR because he didn't want to scare the train. And I'm like, I didn't need to know that. It's just perfect. I went the tarantula out and it goes like, well, I'm going to go off my... Oh, no, no, no, no, please.

I guess I'm going to hear me do... Like, it's so good. It's actually a pretty good impression. It was very good, yeah. And that would be horrible to listen to. We should probably want a trigger warning on that. Trigger warning, Helen's now about to scream and it will be alarming. I feel like I set it up.

Like, we knew I was going to do it. I don't know. I was startled and I'm in the room with you. So I don't know if there's cues. Do you want to hear the Christmas call I've been enjoying the most recently? Once in Royal David City Gorgeous It's a classic

One in Royal David City Stood alone It's got a banger I regret asking the question And when I was younger I did piano lessons for a little while You might be able to tell from my fingers Oh yeah

I was a pianist I was an actor I was an all-rounder I competed You were a member from the circuit I didn't compete in piano actually wasn't very good but my mum got a grade A

But I did She learned as an adult Yeah she's a grade A When I was trying to like Do grade one Fair played to her Yeah fair play She's very talented

And I did But I had there was like We had like a book It's called music book Right yeah And it had like a couple of like Christmas carols in it Like we would know

You're just like opening a hand A book But I was wondering whether it had It's called sheet music Yeah Yeah sheet music That's it So we had like sheet music

I think of my like of someone in the family's way back it was like super old of like Christmas carols and I remember when I was little thinking like oh like this is such a perfect Christmas image like they're like the daughter like playing Christmas carols on the piano and like everyone else just swearing at each other on the back like that's stunning it's really bringing a tear to my eye

but it makes me Christmas carolie cuddly and I love that also I think next year I'm going to try and get a part in a nativity I think Oh, I was going to ask actually when you talked about Panto earlier, what either of you do Panto? No. 100%. What?

It's good money, you know. Catherine, you and I could do a turn as the ugly sisters. You don't think we could do the ugly stepsisters. I think the two of you would be funnier. There's always a dame in the... Yeah, the mother. Oh, good point. Oh, we would take a good turn.

Anastasia and Dreselda. Yeah, I guess that. I do see it, but it is a no from me. And I would like to be the fairy godmother. Let's say it's 15 years time. Life comedy is over and the whole of Kent is under water. 15. That's how optimistic.

15. I'll be TikTok famous by then. Of course. Honey, TikTok's over by then. Well, you're going to be on Zoing is the new one. What's going?

Do you think I'll be first in like an early adapt? Did you make them out? Yeah, yeah. Oh, thank God. I was like, I swear to God. Why do you need a place in the pantove you've developed an app that's the most successful thing around? I've known. That's just what it will be.

Loing. Oh, I'm not. I'm actually really into Zoing. I'm the catchphrase. Zoing. I live in. I live in, I'm the face of it.

Soing. anytime you only actually like you and sending it just goes zoing. It's actually really hard to say zoing without winking so it's perfect. Zoing! Nice. One more time. Zoing! I live in fear that next year

there's going to be a new social media thing that we all have to do. There is. We just haven't done any of them. No, I'm doing TikTok. I've got Twitter. I've got Facebook still. It's called X. What about Instagram? I've got Instagram. Instagram is my favorite one.

The one that I actually like in joy going on and having fun on. But like, I don't know. I don't want that to be another one that we have to do. I can't zoing. What do we have to do on zoing? You can zoing with the best of us. Zoying! You do your clips in gift form.

So you've got to be like five seconds left and just captioned. And just like just gifts to me bending over and like a puff of smoke coming out my ass. It's like this. That's good. That's nice. Or the winking? I'm going to do this. Catherine will do a winking one.

It'll be me just walked down the street with my skirt flying up behind me like a million. in different ways. I'll be lying in bed and the duvee just shoots off and drops down. These are really good you should do these for TikTok

just for the benefit of the list look Emma's losing her fucking twat in mind right now. She's an early investor and zoing it's who she makes her millions.

No that down for the zoing Yeah the duve the duve gets lifted up yeah. How about nothing happens to the duve and you're like oh she must be doing a different sort of like

farting video what's this and then I get out of bed and it goes into the mattress and there's a massive hole blow through the mat so you're like wait what's happening

what's happening? It's not usual bite and it's like a full burn scorch mark Clips over it too long And then it pans around And I had a big curry The night before

Why don't you understand That's a TikTok It's not a zoing Yeah I'm sorry That is You're not fitting The Zoing forms If anyone has a mattress

They don't want Drop it up in mine I'm genuinely wanting To make that video I'm exhausted I'm exhausted Merry Christmas, every hog. For fuck's sake, Andrew.

Get out. Thank you for visiting us. And now for another message from our sponsors. Go back to school deliciously with Whole Foods Market. Wake up with low-priced 365 by Whole Foods Market protein waffles and breakfast burritos. Prep lunch boxes quickly with 365 brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit and more. for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken breasts that make meal prep a breeze. Shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market, in store and online.

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and McCuntleth as well, all on my website, standupandri.com, especially I'd like some support in Glasgow because it's such a far, far away, and I don't know anyone there, so please come to Glasgow and anywhere else you are available to see. It's really hard, isn't it? Doing a plug. Come see me, standupandra.com.

Thank you. Holy smokes. People think of the first Christmas as the year Jesus was born, but how would they know it was happening? There was no Advent. Christmas really begins with the Advent, which takes us to the Middle Ages, otherwise known in Germany as de Middle Altar.

Yeah, if I'm finished. Welcome to the Middle Ages of history. Woo-hoo. In the Middle Ages, Christmas wasn't the main event. It was Advent. What? It's so mad. Advent, I get it.

What years are we talking? The middle ones. Yeah, well, what centuries? When were the Middle Ages, actually? Yeah, I'd go Google that. I'd have said, I'd have said be pre-enlightenment. Oh, when was it, Enlightenment? 12 to 15, maybe.

So there's three Mid-Ages, the early Middle Ages, the high mid-ages, and the Lake Middle Ages. What are they? And they are, the link is just loading. The early Middle Ages, we also called the Enlightened Age. It says what they are, but doesn't say when they are. The terrible page. Well, let's say the middle one.

No, I'd like to know. The 1300s was the late Middle Ages. So the high middle ages would have been like 1,100, 1,200. And then the early middle ages, 900 or so. Okay. When was Ireland discovered? Because I've got Irish bits on this. When was Ireland a thing?

When did you start? When was Ireland a thing? That's what I've Googled. When did you start? The Irish state came into being in 1919. No, that was the beginning of the beginning. 1990. 1990.

I had to say, no, you were before 1919. We were discovered before then as you pointed out because you had the famine earlier. Can you just please do your history? When did you start?

I don't know when it was originally discovered, but we are... Because we were 1066, weren't we? No. It says here that the earliest confirmed of the inhabitants of Ireland

were Mesolithic hunter-gatherers in 7,900 BC. They were hunter-gatherers. Okay, 7,000. Okay. I didn't work out in a long run today. You come from undergatherers People who find food and resources

Everyone they go Yeah but people came and stole our resources You guys No, we're not doing this Okay In the Middle Ages in Ireland Is it a revisionist history corner is it? Yeah

In the Middle Ages in Ireland They started something Mainly on the West of Ireland So you might not know about this Also because you're not from the Middle Ages They had something called Women's Christmas I know about women's Christmas

Isn't it? I literally just found out about this. So, and it's when it's like, it's like a top, it's a celebration of like, you know around Christmas I like to do like topsy-turvy stuff? We still celebrated.

But now you all go to the pub. Well, no, on January 6th, women get gifts. Oh, maybe this is different then. Okay, so the women's Christmas in this, is that, like, it's a, now in modern day, the January 6th women's Christmas, they all go to the pub.

But like, back in the middle ages, it was this crazy day that was fucking mental. And what would happen is the men. is the men would cook and clean. January 6. That's mental that's still properly going. They made it out on this thing that I was reading that it was like they go to a pub now.

Everyone just goes to the pub. No, I mean, you can go to the pub, but the point is that women are meant to get gifts and that men are meant to do the domestic wage. For one day, yeah. No, my dad cleans every, it does all the cleaning. In the West, in the West. In the West, yes, the only day the women get off.

That's awful. They spend the whole day lubing up their hands just because they're so cracked from all the washing. No. Yeah. Is it linked to the three magi? Because that's when they arrive. Because in Spain they do Christmas on the 6th of January.

El Dia de los Reyes Mahos. Oh, no, my history corner's room and I don't know what this is. Who are the Magi? The three wise men. So they, in Spain, the three wise men bring the gifts instead, although they have adopted Christmas now. And they arrive on the 6th of January? It's a long nativity show, isn't it? Fuck it now.

Wait a while. No, but they have to stop for us yesterday. So it was just a longer show That was good stuff I knew you'd love it I knew you'd love it That was great That was great

That's just for you Come on bath us all Get your sleeping back now We're having a nap It was a lot of play of you I knew you'd love it That really tickled me pink Thank you

Trade roll Trade roll So wait In the actual Bible Bible The Wise Men arrived In the 6th of January Yes But baby was born on the 25th

Well, the period between baby being porn and the major arriving is that length of time. The dates are, you know. And they're in the fucking stable that entire time. There's no room available after that night. But also it is kind of well that in the other version, she literally has just given birth in a stable. And they're like, come on in, lads, yeah, gifts, is it?

Come on. Like, she's taking visitors? I get it. You know what I'm saying? It's like, can she have a second? Can she get a minute? Because also, like, the afterbirth has to come. I know.

It's not like baby comes out and it's just done. No, listen, I know all about it. Also, there's a whole, like, Joseph, this isn't your kid chat to be heard. They already did that, apparently, before they got on the donkey. That's true. And also, why are you transporting a pregnant woman by donkey? How about that?

Have you heard of a horse? That's the 12th, December to the 6th January. That's the 12 days of Christmas. And that's when you take the Christmas tree down on the 2nd of January. 6th of January. 6th of January. Yeah. God, my family are not good at maths.

For Christmas. Not good at any of those. No, but what, anything else to add from your history for you? well no but there was something about football but what's the football one football was really linked to I mean I've forgotten the facts was it was it during the war I've forgotten the facts when they played a game of football

no not that one that was during world I know this one during World War I they all stopped playing to play a game they all stopped fighting even they weren't playing they weren't play fighting well some of them probably were no the ones that stop they all stopped fighting to play a match of football and then the next day they went back to killing which must be so awkward particularly for those that lost the football match

because wouldn't you get super superstitious you'd be like God if we lose that and we're not going to lose the war you'd be like so who won that football match? I'm such a bad loser I'd go harder at the war I think if I lost the football match like 23rd of January

you're just sort of like no it matters but like either way I think we should just wrap it up and then one of them tackles you and you're like fuck these fucking crowd bastards I'll end them I ate every single one of them The Germans did win two one

The Germans won the football match. But they lost the war. There you have it, baby. Is that where the phrase, we lost the, no, we won the battle, but we lost the war? No. No, it doesn't come from that. No. But listen, maybe.

Okay, that's Helen's History Corner done, I guess. Well, I do have one more thing. What are you? For history going on. It's Charles Bronson history. What year was he active? Now, still now. He's still alive.

When was he, like, most famous? I'd say 80s. Okay, yeah. My history classes went all the way up to. 2005 in A level history. I graduated. Take a minute. In 2006. Take a minute. Yeah, yeah. Well, our history, our history textbooks went all the way up to Gordon Brown, yeah.

Actually, yeah, 2008 even, for the further. Sorry, when did you finish secondary school? 2018. 2018. He's a decade younger than you. You were starting school as I was leaving school. Yeah. What years do you start?

Primary school. We didn't start when he was 12. Primary school. Yeah. 10, 9, 2008, 2007. You started primary school after I was finished my entire formal education.

Yeah. No, that can't be right. Yeah. 2011, I start secondary school. So 10 would be year six, nine would be year five, eight would be year four, year three,

2007. I graduated secondary school in 2006. I graduated secondary school in 2007. Merry Christmas. In history of our school, we did strip farming. Are we history in Tudorne? Strip farming.

Are we history corner? Are we history? Do you have any questions about the noughties, Andrew? Because we'd be happy to answer them. Do you genuinely? None of that spring to mind. What was the most crazy thing about the noughties? Matt Cardell did a duet with Rihanna on X Factor.

It was fucking mental. Because everyone lost their minds because Alejandro Burke did one one year. The Beyonce. And then Matt Cardle had Rihanna and everyone was like, honestly stop everything. That and the war on terror.

The second one was in the textbooks, but Matt Cardo wasn't weirdly. Matt Cardle and Rihanna. But then we were doing AQA, maybe it was on N-SEL. Insane. Insane. Oh, A-Q-A. It's on board.

To Radril. What was your maddest moment of the Nauties, Catherine? Apart from Rihanna and that was up there, I'll be honest. It was up there. The Diet TV shows, obviously, I've documented that very well, but they were brilliant.

No, they were pretty, they were pretty big deal. Shout out once again to fat families. Trinney and Susanna, a lot to answer for, a lot to answer for, a lot to answer. Don't they just put, it's so awful the way they just put that woman in the changing room and then be like, eh. Basically, basically would be like, fuck, turn around, oh, fuck, fuck. Fuck, boop, brop. Oh, it was incredible time. And they'd be like, do you hate your.

husband and then she'd be like and they'd be like and then they just leave her there awful stuff I'm also going to counter that with Will Young versus Gareth Gates that wasn't the naughty was it not later? Yeah no this is the naughties early early naughties I think

Wait was this also the time when Alex and Andrew might be a bit too young for that Was that first pop idol? Yeah but I cannot explain how much the grip it had on the nation I just thought of Nadine Coil Oh my god God you're going in when she was too young my god what age did i just say oh my god so good so good nadine coyle for anyone who doesn't know

she entered an irish reality show to make into a pop group but she wasn't old enough to be in it but she made it through to a later round and she was being interviewed she made it into the band she made it into the last few was she actually in the band and then they asked her her age and then she was like what age did i just say what age did i just say that and then she like just keeps repeating her date of birth repeating repeating repeating repeating repeating repeating and then it becomes a parent but she's like I've lost my passport

and then anyway they find her passport and she had accidentally set her own actual aid and she was to you oh my god but then she made into Girls Aloud in the pop idol bands

whatever that was which is so beautiful in the end yeah and what else happened there's so much you've missed do you remember Nicola sang the one that like

oh here we go again was it Lulu she sang a Lulu she sang a Lulu song that is it who's Nicola of Girls Alide in her audition

in her in the live shows when we were voting them in The one that starts like Well You know you You're gonna shout Yes But her well

Her well That like really sticks in my mind Okay I have to listen I don't remember that moment It was really Really amazing at the time Did we also vote in David Cameron Around that time

That was the beginning of our Tory We didn't do shit We didn't vote for him We didn't vote for that Rasherfugger I didn't do it Got Quang Alex just said Yes we know it

We love Got-Quan. If you want to know more about my opinions of Got-Quan, please follow me on Instagram. Yeah, seriously. I love him. Oh, no, am I got a spot? Oh, my God. Happy Christmas.

Harris Hilton, Britney Spears. Oh, my God. Have you read the book? Have you read the book? No, I haven't read it. I've read it. I've read it. I've read it.

Anyone read it? No, I have. Is it good? Does she do it? Oh, she had an awful time. I know she did. But I've listened to the podcast. I've listened to the free Britney podcast.

So she doesn't read the book. She does do a tiny four word. And she goes, because writing this book was so much for me emotionally that I'd like to pass it over to Michelle Williams. And then Michelle Williams. Who do you think you were doing an impression of just now? Britney Spears from Louisiana.

Is that all good? I'd say it's off. Oh. My Nadine was terrible too, but that's like, that was off. Unkind, Catherine. What's it the season of? Kindness. Good girl.

Maybe you need to sing her. Maybe that'll be a very impression. Oh, baby, baby. Yeah. Oh, baby, baby, how was I supposed to know? There's something wasn't right, yeah. Helen? No, can you please listen to the audiobook at least then?

Yeah, and also I have a question. Michelle Williams, hell yeah, I will. Is it that Justin Timberlake, did he make her have an abortion? He did. Yeah, apparently. Did he make her do it at home so that no press would find out? He did. Oh, my God, that piece of shit.

That piece of shit. But we also allow people to change, and I'm sure he's better with Jessica. Even though Rich have a free Britney podcast, they also have a Jessica Simpson 5-parter, and honestly they both have an awful time, and it's very interesting. Here, come here to me, what's your favourite of Christmas food?

Name one, one solo thing. You can't say like Christmas dinner. I eat Christmas food. Name one thing, though. It's so bad. You love chocolate, you love chocolate, you love cherry chocolate orange, I'm sure. Come on.

Oh my God, history corner, the Yule log. Okay, so I like Yule log, but the Yule log is from the Middle Ages, which is the... 1,200,000... 900 to 14-9-19. 1400. So the 1,200 would have been correct, Andrew. You could have said yes. Sorry, yes. Sorry, it'd be better.

And the yule log is famously like the last, you start the Christmas fire with the Yule log from the year before, right? That's where it traditionally comes from. But in the middle ages, you know, like over years that Christmas trees have sort of changed, but like the Christmas tree everyone always thinks comes in with the Germans, with Queen Victoria marrying Alba. But obviously Christmas trees were always a thing. because people would like chop down Christmas trees.

For logs for the fire because it's fucking freezing. So like Christmas tree has always been a vague thing. But in the Middle Ages, they used to get rid of the yule log by keeping the end of a tree, but they'd put it in the fire and just slowly push it in. And just wait for it all to burn up to it. Which is so unsafe. It's actually mental.

Could you imagine holding half a burning tree in your living room being like, keep pushing it in? It's fine. I guess they didn't have a living room. Don't worry. We'll make sure it's not on women's days. We don't have to tidy it. Make sure it's for their problem. I'm not sweeping these ashes on those things.

Hey, that's awesome. Hey, shall we do the extras? Yes. Okay, but before we go, what do you want to say? What's your last Christmas message? No, I wanted to ask you what your favourite Christmas food is. Oh. Kathleen, what's your favourite Christmas food?

Mine's your love. While you're thinking of that, I just want to say, this is the perfect vibe for the Christmas gooch. You just sort of just drunk and hung over and just like freewheeling between topics, just like trying to maintain connection with your family. It's very funny. Usually were so structured.

and we have loads to say to each other that we haven't definitely already told each other. I love it. I think people will be here on the 28th of December being like, this is the perfect encapsulation of my feeling. I'm so glad. I hope so, you guys. Put some tinsle on your head and just get through it.

Drink, drink, drink. I had wine at lunch, do that. My favorite Christmas, what I will say is, there is, you know, those, my mom often has those candied nuts around. You know, they're like honey roasted cashews. or oh fuck me i know of them yeah

fuck me that's the one i think for me for me it's like honey roasted any kind of nut anything honey roasted delicious incredible so i'll be there with my yule log you'll be there with that m made me um granola and it's so nice but in it there's some like lovely roasty sweet cashews

and pecans and nuts in and i do sometimes when ellen's not looking just like um take some nuts out of the granola and major granola yeah For my house, weren't me? Merry Christmas, every hug.

Ah, I fucked it. Bye, guys. Thank you so much to our executive producers, Guy Goodman, Simon Moores, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Sarah Deakin, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Matthew Thomas, and Madeline Quinn. And thank you also to our producers, Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bowles, Neil Redmond, Victoria Hutchison, Harold Van Dyke, Tim and Dom, David Walker, Rachel L. Cashmore, Player Owen Jones Jess and Nick, Zoe, Sarah and Molly Ryethink, Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay Graham, Marsh, Amy O'Reiden,

Abbey Worth, Key Webb, Matt Sims, Luke Wright, Leah, Kate Spenter, Tristan, Liz, Faw, Becky Fock, Emily G, Dean Michael, Glenys Wood, Stephanie Catratchia, Sophie Chivers, Mark, Anthony. Well, I want you separate them. Carrie Sooth, Charlie... I can't believe you did it two weeks and arrive.

Sorry, keep going, keep going, keep going, I believe in you. Sorry to the producers. Sooth, Charlie, A.K. C. Haley, Warf. Thank you all so much. Yes. When you think of skyrocketing brands like aloe, allbirds, or skims, it's easy to credit their success to great products, sleek branding, and brilliant marketing. But here's the overlooked secret.

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