Trusty Hogs - Ep115. Best of Trusty Hogs 2023

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

An always fun look back at another chaotic of year of Hogs! Our 2023 highlight includes moments of hilarity, sincerity, infamy, and, of course, sleepwalking. Featuring guests like Nish Kumar, Lolly Adefope, Aisling Bea, Kiell Smith-Bynoe, Sam Campbell, Urooj Ashfaq, Sofie Hagen, Tom Ballard, Laura Romoso, Jordan Brookes, Andrew White & Chloe Petts.Thank you so much for all your support these last 12 months and beyond, it's crazy to think how far we've come! Over 1200 patrons, so many new weekly listeners, more live shows than ever and, most notably, our very own Hog sty!! We love you all greatly and can't wait to meet more of you across the tour this year, and hopefully we can go even further afield soon enough too...TOUR TICKETS: trustyhogs.com/tourThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Deakin / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew Thomas / Madeline QuinnePRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Kie Web / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Emily Gee / Dean Michael / Glenys Wood / Stefanie Catracchia / Sophie Chivers / Marc / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Hayley WorfWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hi, it's Helen. This is your favorite podcast. Trusty Hawks. And we're about to play for you our best of episode. From the year of our Lord 2023. That's right. Please enjoy such funny moments as when Helen shit herself. When Helen pissed in a corridor in a hotel.

When Helen had a sis that ruptured. When Helen got her eyebrows lamentated. And when Catherine got a call from her girlfriend, enjoy! Hey, I contribute other shit to this podcast. The time Catherine went to Pilates. The time Catherine watched an episode of the Great British fake-up. The time Catherine, in a boatshelf.

It's a wild ride we've had this year. Can I just tell you? And get ready for the roller coaster of 2020. Helen, can I just tell you this? I keep trying to do material in my new show about whether or not I want to have kids. And honestly, half of the audience just looks at me like, what?

Because I'm aware my vibe is a woman with three under five who runs a type chip with a fair. hand. They're like, you don't already have kids. No, I don't. I'm just like this. Enjoy the clip show. And then let us know if you're a Catherine or a Helen. Enjoy!

Through the fog. Step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give you problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs.

Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. And this will be our year. Took a long time to come. The zombies. Welcome to 2020-3 with the trusty hogs. Happy New Year. Hi, Helen. Hi, Catherine.

I don't blow your nose mid-intrault. You can't. Are you joking? Why is January kicking my ass? I know this. I know this. It's kicking my asshole. It's right.

Physically, yeah, it's kicking you in the asshole. It's kicking my asshole. There's God's foot up your anus. It won't stop kicking my buttle. The toe's stuck. It's in me. Yeah. It's in me.

There's January's toes in my rectumum. My poo not coming out. Oh, no, it's coming out, my mouth. January. January is blocking the way. Right. You are lacking in vitamins very significantly because you haven't received.

And I know you got like 30 minutes of sunlight on your face or whatever. It's not the same. It's so important to have sunlight. I would recommend a blood test. And I love that I'm in control of this because I've had so many mental breakdowns around this time of year

that I've only figured it out like three years ago. Question? Go for it. Can you just ask for a blood test? You can if you're like significantly struggling. with your mental health in January, which, no doctor, but you in a bad way, girl. Catherine said, and I usually arrived crying, and Catherine was like, no, no, no, no. And I was like, oh, look who's in a miserable mood.

I tried to do that thing when I was like, can we not talk about me, but that's so unusual for me that everyone was like, what? And then I was like, oh! Also, my first instinct was to sing, I just can't wait to be king from the Lion King to cheer you up. And you just started a conversation with them. I did. Thanks so much for having me, and can I just say that I think that you are the two most beautiful women in the world. You can't say that because you mustn't lie. Hey, welcome to the show. We're like a fun show, fun vibes.

Here's a question. Not one I've ever asked a guest before. What do you think you know of our podcast since you seem in the know? You seem like a research guy. What do you think you know? Bullshit if you ever listened to an episode. He's not claiming he has. I'm not saying I have

and I'm not saying I haven't. What do you know of it? What do you think of it? Oh, it's like, it's like... What space does it hold in your mind, George? Two ladies talking them, talking about stuff and people love it. I know that.

Wow, that's really rude. No, the fact that Jordan wasn't like two comedians. He was like, too ladies. Stupid whores. That's the subtext of it. Yeah, it definitely sounded like my brain went to suggest it another word and I also corrected.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, too. Bitches. Do you honestly think it's just us talking? Yeah, isn't that what it is? No, it's actually grade A banter 247. It's comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I certainly, yeah, no, I understand that that's... Remember that funny bit we did earlier?

Yeah, it's so fun. Yeah. It's so fun. Aren't you having a great time? Yeah, this is great. Aren't you already having such a laugh? Yeah. You know what?

Every now and again on Trustee Hogs, short, we make a missbooking. It doesn't always work out. And today is that day. It doesn't always work out. We've got ourselves a lovely young man who for some reason, you know, doesn't want to banter with us. You wouldn't have to tell he asked to do it. He's afraid of our wit. How about that?

Tell us your joke, Sam. Oh, okay. So my uncle, my God, my uncle, he drinks a lot of coffee. He gets that real. I mean, he gets that coffee breath. I'm serious. We went on a camping trip. He brought my air mattress.

It was like sleeping on a tour of a suit. M's story reminded me that on the train I went on a four and a half hour train The Lumo train And sat down Oh those ones are nightmare You can't think much luggage So I sit down

And the guy from what I can tell Like very tall in front of me Is on the phone He's maybe in my head like 20 And from the start of this train journey He's breaking up with this girlfriend On the phone Yeah

And I was like Let me take out my headphones Let me put them away Oh no you mustn't You must just go silent on your head had phones and leave them in. Otherwise, it's obvious. They're too noise drowning.

I was like, I need this, obviously. Melissa was having a terrible time. She's being broken up with my phone. And they basically did this like thing where they would go on a loop where he would be like, yeah, I know. No, no, no, no one's going to think badly of you.

No, no, no, I won't tell anyone that. No, no, no one would ever say that. No, you know our parents don't approve. You know they don't approve. You know they don't approve. You know it. You know we can be friends. It's just going to take time.

You know it's going to, we just need to be really bandried. We just need time to heal. we just need to like have some okay yeah okay Melissa yeah thank you so much I know I've loved you so much I know it's going to be okay I know we'll heal I know we'll get through this maybe again in the future maybe again in the future I have to go now but we won't speak for a month we won't speak for a month and then we'd settle the date and time we'd settle the date and time we'd hang up and then Melissa would call five minutes later and he would answer the phone they did this for two hours now every woman on this coach what about the signal is every oh yeah every time he goes in and out of a train he calls she calls back we are every tunnel like all of you but I'm like all of you but I'm just a signal like all of you but I'm just a signal like all of you but every tunnel he waits we go back we go back we go back wait for it right so this is happening every woman in this train's listening obviously there's a waning point where you're like fuck me I want to take the phone and be like Melissa babe stop calling and I want this guy to be like okay he has all the language of therapy but none of the implementation you know he's like let's be boundary let's heal but he doesn't hell an hour and 45 minutes in I'm not joking an hour and

45 minutes in and I know this because it was an audible like from every woman in this carriage he goes, the thing is, Melissa, we shouldn't be thinking about the future, we shouldn't be thinking about marriage. We're only 14.

I basically get out of my chair. I'm like, what? I'm like, whatever. Then, of course, I clock the signs. When he gets up to go to the loo, I realize, like, yes, he's very tall,

but he has, like, no facial hair. Yes, he sounds grown, but his entire snack for this four and a half our journey was like cotton candy, and pink popcorn.

Genuinely. He just had like trays of... It's not working out with Melissa because you're gay. No, he wasn't. But it was like, whoa, it was wild. It was wild. Honestly, every woman, I swear to God, there was like a clattering,

people just dropping shipping. Huh? 14. And I... And the sad thing is Melissa doesn't even come from a good generation of breakup music. Like, our generation... No, no, no.

Now the breakup music is so empowering. It's like, I don't need him. I'm amazing as I am. Whereas we grew up and like, it's over. I'm naked on the floor. I'll never recover. I'll never be okay. Which is just, I prefer the vibe of like, my heart's been broken.

I can't go on. I can't go on. I'll never recover. I think Melissa has her soundtrack down though, because it was giving Olivia Rodriguez. Like, it was like, I shouldn't call you, but I'm going to call you. I shouldn't do this, but I'm going to do this. It was messy. Do you prefer that, though, to what we grew up with?

With like, I'll kill myself. I'll fucking do it. I'll do it. The good days of heartbreak I'll never I'll never recover You're the only one I'll ever love You're it for me

I'll grab myself I'll do it I'll fucking do it I love the naughty Breakup music There was just that And then Rihanna being like I know I'm unfaithful

But I can't start I'm just crazy Let's get into the potato famine now And how you deserve it No I'm joking Let's do a listen problem Bowen, that made me so empty-bellied. I know, I'd love a potato now.

Give us one. I feel sorry, go out to the shopping carton. It has two potato waffles. I was just about sometimes I think about potato waffles and then immediately think about you or inversely, think about you and go, oh, now I'm hungry for potato waffles. Do you put beans in each toll?

No. No, me neither. Mine is butter. No, I feel open to it, but we didn't grow up really eating beans. We grew up eating spaghetti hoops. Different families. Different families. And you know, so, I mean, we don't.

don't have time for this anecdote, yet here I am starting it. We do. We do. So the, I actually never admitted to this publicly, so it's terrible. An exclusive. An exclusive. Celebrity. I'm sorry. So I, years ago putting how I cook potato waffles is twice down in the toaster at the maximum, like, eat.

Yeah. Takes it two times and that'll do it. Never the grill. Always twice down the toaster. No, before you ask, the frost from it doesn't cause electrocution in the toaster. Have you never put a frozen? Poor frozen brown. Exactly.

But what about the water dripping out of them and you're like, no, everyone's doing. But if you're making chicken nuggets as well then it is oven because you might as well

just do it all in the same oven. Exactly. Shabang, but then you have to turn over the potatoes that they were because they were because of it. Listen.

Anyways, had that on my Instagram and then this what you can call it article was released that scientists have just found out that the best way to cook them

is in a toaster and this is about three years later and people started tweeting me meaning like, whoa, whoa, all this stuff. And I, I was like, lads, I have been

preaching this for years. People aren't grateful enough, were they? And exactly. And I'm like, oh, now, I felt like kind of one of those men in an apocalypse movies were like, the government's been trying to... We're on the sea, and no one ever believes me. I've got my radio station and I'm on fire. And then, like, wait now, you know that crazy old guy? We got to get to him

before the flood hits Tennessee. And I'm like, it's me the whole time. That's one of my favorite films. Yeah, you know, but it's in all of the films. That same character pops up, but no one ever believes The Waffle man. And then the divorced husband who has never turned up ever

but suddenly he's turning up in the middle of all of them. But that's again all the middle of bit men and you're like, Dad, I wish you and mom will get back together like no he never turned up for us and then he's like come on. I'm coming to the New York Library, Jake Dillon Hall.

Stay warm. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, listen, that's me. Wow, this is the genre you guys are deep in. And so like deep impact same kind of story. Oh, wow. Straight, women love a bit of detail.

So I was like, oh, guys on Twitter. Anyways, potato waffles, birds of potato waffles got in touch me and said, can we have your address, Ashling? Because we want to send you something. And I was just imagining Willie Wonka's field of green

like tons of ice cream like throwing potato waffles. A lifetime's apply, a lifetime's apply. Yeah. And then instead, I get sent in the post one box of potato waffles. You're joking.

And with freezer packs and everything around it and I was like, oh my God, guys, that is like such a waste of, I could have gone to the shop that is such a waste of like our nature's resources of like you know the packaging around it also mentally your hope and excitement my hope la la la

excitement I kind of get a bit annoyed I put them in the freezer and I send an email and they're like oh we're really sorry we didn't mean to we thought it'd be kind of funny la la la and I'm like well that's fine I understand it was very kind of you to reach out but whatever then about a month later I'd gotten through my other box of potato waffles and I opened these ones it turns out they customized the whole box

and I with my ADHD brain just didn't even see it and on the front of this one specific box that they'd made just for me it's like Ashling Bee original potato waffle toaster like the whole they'd made and I just gone

waffles, that's true and hadn't looked at it properly and these gorgeous kind people at the potato waffle factory had made me an individual stop the production line to create this one and then I tweeted a picture saying

like my God so thankful to the potato waffle company but not at all a waste of our plans resources and actually a lovely I was eating humble waffle for the rest of the day and I just didn't see it

was such a kind, sweet thing they'd bother to, like, design a little logo in the corner. Not trying to fix it on our podcast. It's too late. And I'd just like to take this opportunity to... No, it's too late. I apologise to the potato waffle factory for you. You reach out. Where is it? Straight ahead.

Hello. I'd just like to apologise. I jumped to a conclusion and it wasn't the right conclusion and I reacted. I didn't respond and I apologize that for profusely. And I, as I ate my tasty golden waffles, And I felt full. I also felt quite empty. And I'm so sorry for everything that happened.

So what have we learned from this? The English give an Irish person potatoes and they get angry anyway. Oh, so anything we do, it's a fucking problem. Wow. I'm so sorry for bringing you here. But don't you think?

She's a very hostile environment. No, but I just feel really like... Can you see though? I feel like doing this. I'm like, why do you see me so? Because we have to be the victim. What are that? What are the last thing's wrong?

Wait, what's the Halloween song? And Dinosaurs Let's solve a list of problem before this gets any more nasty. How about that? Are potato waffles an English company? Birdside potato waffles,

interesting question. More back after the break. There are no breaks in this. There are no breaks. No, no research actually. No, I'm afraid. Nothing can be done there. I feel like they're English.

We'll never know. Because if it's Birdseye, then it's Captain, the Captain Birdseye. He's an English pirate captain, isn't he? You think he's a... What is he on? an easy manning an Irish vessel. No one's got an Irish

Irish. It's a titanic, surely. Ireland. Ireland. Ireland. I feel like we're forcing that one. And then he might be like... Woffling us. Because it's birds are bird's day, isn't it? Then it's a fish finger man.

Yeah. Birdside potato waffles are waffly versatile. They go with cheese, chicken, eggs. Have you ever heard of that advert? What the hell you don't know. It was the soundtrack of all of our... I've literally never heard that. What?

Do it again, do it again? So I can't remember the exact... Yeah, you're too old to remember this youth song. Okay. So I won't get the list of foods right But how the song used to go It's like birds eye potato waffles They're waffly versatile

They go with cheese chicken eggs ham beans Cheese butter friends I don't know I made them without laughing Okay butter friends They're waffly versatile And that's the song It's so catchy I remember BNBN

Yeah well this was the Irish I guess waffle obsession I feel like I was here as well I'd love to do if anyone wants to do a dubstep remix of that Birds eye potato waffle Bubbubchibu Bum Bubbubbubbubbub and softly Will you'll be versitat ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta trot

If anyone wants to, you've done it, it's done, you've written it It feels like perfect smashed it's done That's what being a teen is, just dub stepping here Dobs stepping there? Could that be your strip song then? Oh yeah Oh my God, potato waffles, they're going to have potato waffles covering all your bits. They go with cheese, chicken, this actually appeals to all of my Asian dress and I'm a little bit too excited.

It's too much. I actually need you to stop because I need to calm down. I'm very excited. And you can put the cheese inside of you. Oh my God. Like douche with cheese or something and it goes on cheese

and then you shit it out onto the waffle. No. That would be so good. You ruined a perfectly lovely day. No, because you could wear a bra with chicken fillets in it and you could be like chicken chicken. No, but if you did put a little waffle over your brow I would be very excited.

A little waffle. And then take them off and then just like spaghetti hoops to strip down. Okay. That's hot. That's hot. And I'm dry again. No. Wet things make men hot

Wet things make men hot They like wet As a feeling Rather than like if you were like sand They'd be like I think guys would rather I be moist Than be dry But all over

Oh everywhere They want you to be kind of slippy I think slippery like a slippery seal Oh because then it's like Gung when I catch your horse Yeah and I'm like Oh my god And you love the chase

They love the chase They love the chase And they're like trying to hold your hand They're like no Too slippy My secret is sunflower oil Yay, say for example That's what you guys get on

Because, yeah, because chips As you remember Ashting B did a live Dubstep Potato Waffles Yes, I'm one of our more Irish episodes And this from Joe He has made an actual

Dubstep Waffle Awful song I'll play it for you In to the studio And I'll insert it into the episode Yes, yes please Here we go This is chicken, chick, chicken, chicken, chicken.

This is chicken. Chichich, chicken. Oh. Chichig again, chicken. Chichich, chick, chicken. Beep, bean, be, be. Tats. You are.

Butter, butter, butter. Butter. Butter. Burt. Butter, butter. Words I potato waffles, they're versatile. Okay, this is one of the coolest things about her.

It's insane! Are you kidding? Do not think with a remix of Dolly Part 9 to 5 back in track it would literally make this? Because it sounds like a 14 and 1 despite the fact it is one song. This is an unbelievable. Can I extend this to Ashley V? Please do, yes. I'll get it to 7 once up to you.

Congratulations, Joe. Thank you. Some would say that might have been a waste of a day for you, but not me. I think that was fucking flawless. Are you kidding? Ashley's going to lose her mind. That's so cool. Wait, what was your school thing?

What was your, were you like a drama kid or were you a debate kid? I was, I suppose I was a drama kid, but we didn't really have a drama. You were just presents. You're just creating it on your mind. Yeah, yeah. I was a top six. So not actually the drama group is running around being like, I know you're a fucking bitch. Oh, no, she didn't.

She said you're a fucking bitch. Yeah, probably closest to a class clown, I suppose. I had a wonderful drama teacher called Miss Hennessy. Shout out Miss Henness. Is she Irish? She was not Irish, no. Thank God. But she, while everyone else was doing Duke of Edinburgh,

she was like, do you want to do this thing called Arts Award? Which is basically like the drama version of Duke of Edinburgh. Oh my God. And I was like, well, you see me. Was it just you and Miss Hennessy? I don't think anyone else did it. Oh, that's so. I think she'd probably offered it to other people.

But then it was sort of like a Miss Honey. Until the situation, like, I think you should probably do the Arts Award. You're not going to want to do all that walking. Come on. Come on. How do you get an Arts Award? There's like different things you can do. I wrote a play.

Whoa. Age 17. She's a prodigy. She's the prodigy. What's it called? What's the key? Can we get the darkest thing? It's going to be bulimia, anorexia, suicide, death.

It's going to be like every teenager for Jesus. Divorce could be, could be child of divorce. No, it won't be darker than child of divorce. I think you're giving me too much credit. I think it was, look, the setting of the play was I was in a paddling pool on the stage. Oh, she's much more, that's very easy. Well, what does it represent?

Exactly, exactly. Grief. And my father was played by one of my best friends, Claudia, Shardis, Claudia. She's 17 as well at the time. She's 17 as well at the time. She's wearing a waistcoat that I brought in from home. Fabulous, fabulous. And she's, I'm unclear as to whether she was my dad or my adoptive dad.

Here we go. But I was sort of, you know, a rebellious teen and she was my dad and sort of trying to. Well, I guess we can figure to say, how much did she look like you? Well, she's white. Okay, so adoptive. Yeah, yeah. But I can't remember if that was in the script or not. Maybe it was a colorblind casting.

Everyone knew all my calling, a colorblind casting. We're looking for any race, any gender This was like a waiting for Godo style two-parter It was a two-parter, but There were two chorus members Oh, Lolly! Who I think were two girls, lovely girls, Leanne and Annie Hi, Leon, Annie!

Because there was this song that we used to sing that was like... In the play? In school we used to sort of sing this like, it wasn't like a nursery rhyme, it was just a really sort of haunting song that you sing around and you know like when you're like that song's so good

I need to put that in something and so then I put it in the play well like prayer and jacket that's what I was thinking it's I don't know what I think it's like just like a song it's like not linked to any country or

but it's like a nursery room and you were all like that slumps it's like higher than a nursery rhyme in terms of like respect levels for the song okay I got you but it's it's I mean I'm not going to Please sing it. I actually can't. I physically can't.

Okay. Okay. I feel like you're very, we are taking a little segue out of the play, but we'll be returning to the paddling pool. Sure. But I will say that you're a little gatekeeperie with the song. And can I also say that that's a trend with you, Lolly at Kobe? Because actually, I went to watch Lollie. Yeah? Watch, apparently you're supposed to dance. But I went to watch Lollie DJ. Thank you. I would not dance. I would only watch. and can I say I didn't know any of the songs Okay, that's what gatekeeping, though Hang on Oh dear

That was gatekeeping of a good time And I felt old Sure And I felt like Where, why don't they have any lyrics Okay So I think The least you could do

To circle back Catherine, you're getting into your angry face Is same name Catherine, I'm loving this Really quickly you've left your window of tolerance therapy speak I think it's important to remember

that the hand is raised if anyone watching on YouTube just like let's bring it down and let's enter our green space and leave the head for a little minute, okay? Catherine, I hear you. I appreciate you coming to me with this.

Thank you. I would like to correct you. I didn't gate keep. In fact, the playlist for my DJ set is available on Spotify. There was pre-reading. Nobody told me I could have done the reading. No, I was put after to be fair.

It was after. But I would say that a lot of the songs You had doormove and Catherine I would say that actually a lot of the songs were quite old songs So I'm interested that you found That you felt old Because a lot of the crowd were quite Gen Z and I think they were kind of like, what is this?

Well, that's why I felt old, isn't it? Yes, that's why you felt old But I can't control that. I really can't control that. What sort of songs were being played here? Is this the first time or the second time? The second time? I don't know.

Don't you remember me being there watching? Wasn't that central for you? Yes. But I thought you were there. For 25 minutes and then I had to go home because I was tired. That was the second one.

Well, I'm playing Crazy Frog by X for that. Come on, Lolly. You know that some of those were cool and I couldn't have known them. They had lyrics though. It's an indie night. Was it?

Yeah, although I strayed from the theme but it's originally an indie night. I played, you know, I played Fontaine's DC. I don't know. Thank you. It wasn't a single bewitched. No, but I'm not going,

I'm not touching. that. I guess it would be appropriative. I get it. I get it. You're not Claudia, am I right?

Thank you. Back to Claudia. Yeah, so quickly back to Pamphal, I'm just, I want to hear more about it mainly because I'm worried that like, miss, yeah, I'm just,

I just feel like this is like, like, all the other teachers were like, we need to do something with Lolly. Like, she's clearly got an amazing creative outlet in life. She keeps singing sea shanties. Wasn't a sea shanty? It wasn't, but it's that vibe.

Okay. Yeah. Dun-da-da-don-don-ton-don-ton-dun-dun- Yeah. Were you doing Cubs and hands? Sort of, yeah. Yeah, they're definitely hands. So two chorus members would come on

after the sort of the scene and we would all sing. Just call them Leanne and Annie. You don't need to get the chorus. With my professional hat on, you know. Chorus one and chorus two would come on and we would sing. As a four, we would sing the song in a round

and it was very haunting, they're very spiritual. And that was the play. Any audience members? Oh yeah Big time Miss Hennessy was there No we did it for For the school

No you didn't I think so yeah We definitely did it in the main hall On the stage I don't want to presume anything But if I were to guess Old girl school? What do you mean?

Was it? Yeah, of course it was an all girl Yeah yeah yeah Okay cool So the coolest of audience It's an all girl school It's not like This is lame

This is kind of like a cool thing I didn't go to an old girl school Exactly that's why you're shocked Helen, weirdly at all girls' schools, genuinely, people would want to be the girls in the talent show. Oh, 100%. This isn't a talent. There's no talent.

No, no, but there was talent involved. Everyone's looking at her. Yeah, three friends singing around in the paddling pool. Yeah, yeah. And then you got an award for that at the end of it. Arts Award, yeah. What else you'd have to do? Write a play and?

Write a play, I think probably write some sort of paragraph about the play and my process of writing the play. Oh, yeah. Did you have a still image in it? What is your process? What was your process? My process. You know, listening to a lot of music.

Getting out there into nature. Getting out, getting in there into the paddling pool. Getting out into nature, but not the Duke of Edinburgh Award. No, no, no, no. Getting out into nature and then getting straight back into my room and writing things down. And, yeah, no regrets. I mean, thank you to Miss Enniscy because here I am on trusty hawks. Wow.

Wow. Are you having a nice time? You're fine You having a nice time You're having a nice time Nish, happy, happy, happy, happy I feel like a dog That's about to be

Taken off a child You're okay Remember that funny bit we did earlier? Yeah, it's so fun Yeah It's so fun Aren't you having a great time? Yeah, this is great

Aren't you already having such a laugh? Yeah We're all having fun Fish I know you think you were political But Helen's actually recently found out about the news And she's now got some pretty interesting opinions like capitalism might be terrible.

I know my dad rung me for the first time last week to discuss the news with me. Because he always just calls my dad and he called me and he went, did you hear about David Cameron? And I was like, yes, I did. I felt like such a good daughter. Because of your recent interest in the news?

Yes. Oh, that's nice. Well, I don't like the news. Awful time. But I've just got really into it, like just in general. I absolutely, absolutely love that Helen Bauer has recently got into the news. Yeah.

So you're opening conversations at the moment by going, guys, has anyone read the news recently? Every day. Shit is crazy out there. I went back to Hitler's bunker on Sunday just to see it. You went back to Hitler's bunker. I've been a couple of times because like no one knows where it is, but I do. What do you mean? No one knows where it is.

No, because it's not like a thing because it's like it's just a car park right and there's a tiny sign. But like I know exactly where it is. But people do not. location that only you have access to. I never thought we'd invite you on and I'd watch Helen steal your personality in front of you. I love the fact that

I recently went back to Hitler's bunker. What's your favourite news era? I'm up to the mid-90s. But don't, like, just like, what do you think? I'm not going to spoil the result of the 1997 election for you. No, it's Tony Blair! Woo-hoo!

It's Tony Blair, and then a couple of months later, Diana died and that got him even more in favour because Alistair Campbell wrote the phrase the people's princess and then everyone thought that he was reflecting the morning of the country particularly while the Queen was unprecedented in Balmoral

that sort of laid a shift away from the royal family but everyone else doesn't know but I know these things now everyone knows about Diana that's the one thing we can all agree yeah but they don't know what actually happened

we all know they send us the merch wait Nish your news person what do you think did actually happen when Diana on the 31st of August 1997 I mean I Nish she did

tragically pass away but how what do you mean how did she do she does the car accident yeah but like oh oh the oh the other well listen

if you talk to I've actually been doing stand up about this recently no no as in if you basically for some reason every South Asian woman

over the age of 60 loves Princess Diana yeah like they are obsessed with her God bless them and under the age of 60 have you ever spoken to Cindy V about her

yeah oh yeah I think, I guess, just everybody likes Diana. I also read a review of the crown. I haven't watched any of the crown because I, to be absolutely fair, have very little interest in propaganda. And the history of the cousin fuckers. But like, it gets really good.

But the new series, apparently Diana's ghost is in it. And I was like, oh, hell yeah. I'm definitely watching the Diana's ghost series. That's like, take some edibles watch that series. That's like, let's see the ghost. Okay, let's do this thing Apparently, she dies in the first couple of episodes Spoiler alert warning

She dies at the first couple of episodes Because she was having a Muslim baby And the Queen put a hit on her Tell me she wasn't pregnant Tell me she wasn't pregnant Tell me that's how deep the racism goes In the royal family, tell me she wasn't There were so many cameras on the tunnel that night

And they were all switched off within 20 minutes of the accident occurring Coincidence? I can't believe you become a tired and a trucement Become Become. I was born at Diana, Truth. I was in Paris that night on a family holiday.

What? I was born for this. Wait, you were in... Yeah, family holiday. In Paris. Sex. Right. Yeah.

I'm very involved in the incident. So you were... So you, do you feel some primal connection? Because you were in the same city as well. I think if you speak to any South Asian women over 60, they would 100% agree with you. We'd have a nice cry in a whole. They wouldn't even...

You could just... The stand-up that I do, which I think is like is pretty accurate is you could literally just go they killed her no context and they'd go

I think it was Philip like genuinely like that is the extent to which yeah because Philip had the most responsibility because he was the one that brought her in

because of the stack you don't know about the stack it's kind of a thing it's kind of a thing you should do your research of all of the things I thought we would kick this conversation off with

I don't think I thought it would be I'm sorry how are you last week we did find out that our podcast studio had closed. Immediately. That was the warning.

It was closed. Catherine deals really well with change. I love change with no warning and, um, and no plan. God, I, you know how, you know me, fly by the seat of my pants, am I? Um, we have decided, perhaps madly. And indeed, immediately. Strong choice. To sign a contract for a small office space in London.

and turn it into our very own hogs podcast. I'm in charge of the curtains. To explain, we are currently in a plywood shed. Yes. What's that noise? Well, there's also a scrap yard on the other side of this wooden wall. So please forgive us, if there are any sound issues today. We're half in a wooden shed, half in scrap.

Apparently they're literally just throwing scrap around. Brilliant. So we know where I'll be spending after the point. Just as you came in the door, I was like, welcome to our new studio. First thing Chloe Peth said wasn't, wow, wow, you guys have put so much work in. It looks amazing. You said, I've got some thoughts. What the fuck does that mean?

This studio is the brainchild of two people that have... Three? Andrew's worked as a little B-hind-up. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Andrew's just the enforcer. Okay. All right? This is the brainchild of two people that have terrible problems with spending.

one of them no I'm not that bad one of them likes things one of them likes nice things yeah we know which one's which yeah one of them likes things one of them likes nice things

because what you have to remember is I didn't I didn't know the progression of the story really like I knew that did you not listen to our business app yeah no I listened to the business set but there were some revelations in there

the revelations being God they've lost their studio oh my gosh they've done amazing it, then I've done an amazing job getting this new studio. Thank God they've done it. Oh, they've done this big sort of children in need style outreach where everyone's given all their fucking money. And then at the end we find out, at the end we find out.

But we didn't know. If you waited for one week. If you waited for one week, you could have just gone back to Vauxhall. But A, first of all, we didn't know that. So we had to act quickly. And B, I'm really glad we did this because now we can podcast whenever we need to. It's also mental. It's much nicer.

You went for an empty space that you've had to find. fill with every single piece of equipment. But this was the cheapest option. And we got the cameras for free, from Mooch, the lovely mooch. And we really hustled to get everything as much as we got. And look at, I think it's gorgeous. Wow.

I take it back. Isn't it nicer than that chipping container? Yeah, it is nicer than the shipping container. I just think it's so funny. And it doesn't look like everybody else is anymore. That you jumped to? Well, we were, this was our long term. We have to buy our own studio.

We rent, and this is the long term, this was our long term plan, but we didn't think we'd be ready. And then everyone was so wonderfully supportive. Also, people were so nice to us and we're so grateful. And please don't stop supporting it's just because Chloe Pets is a dick. I know there's something in there for me. I can feel it. Is it a gifty?

It's a gift. Um, I brought your presents. What? Because you can't just be late and empty handy. People have been asking, they know lots of stuff about Andrew, Catherine and Helen, but they don't know loads of stuff about M. She's an enigma. Stuff that you could include if you're like making a picture or stuff that she might like.

What I would say is she likes very beautiful. delicious things and money okay just big wads of cash addressed directly to her nice nice nice no nice sorry I love gifties you brought gifts for us

I'm ready for my sketch okay okay I feel there's another part of it that I'm forgetting but that's okay I'll find it as I'll find it so I don't remember I'm what a great fortune tellers

palm readers I can read your palm and tell anyone's fortune oh and please tell me what my fortune will be Gay women Futurama I'm sorry

I'm reading That's not part of it Start again, sorry Start again What is this Your professional You're professional performers You can't just start again

In a live You're both professional You cannot start again From a live performance In the midst of it They can cut this stuff They can bleep this stuff Don't you dare bleep

This is a live performance Ah The Great Cambini I've heard incredible things May you read my fortune? Why, of course. Helen. Ah.

Oh, there's glitter on my hand. I see some kind of stone. Oh, my God. A gravestone? Oh, is that in my mind? No, I say that. You say a diamond. I'm going to get married.

Start again. No. One more time. One more time. One more time. One more ago, I'll hold the trophy. No. Come on.

You guys need to focus. Did you see that? The look in her eyes, she's like, Gollum. She's like, ah! Oh my God! And I get that reference now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.

I get it. I get it. Oh, she just watched the Lord's face. You know he had another character, Gollum, there was Gollum Smeagle and there was one other guy he would do called Mark, but he was just a bit boring. He's like,

hello? Yeah. You know what? I'll say this, Gollum's got many layers to him, and I don't think he's about him. He doesn't have many layers. he wears butterloin cloth

and it slits oh absolutely frothing at the bit on the sofa sneel walks in you pause it 1 out of 33 and 37 you see Gollum's nut sack my precious very similar to the crazy frog

probably same animator carry on yeah I don't know if he was meant to be a frog there's a lot of stuff online about that the crazy frog I've got that people said that like people like it's this have you seen this frog but he's not really a friend I think he's an alien Axelaf? He's a singer?

Yeah, yeah. I think the frog meat, Gollum. His name is Smigel. People called him Gollum because of the noise he was making in his throat. Truly, you just watched it and I can't care. So, come on, are we getting a sketch or what? I think I look like Arwen.

Three, two, one, action. Huh, the great Cambini. I've heard amazing things. Would you read my fortune? Helen Bauer, 32 years old. I believe you had some sort of beef sandwich for lunch I thought Bifago Bifago, yes

I had a vision of this, yes This is my hand Oh I see some sort of stone Oh my god A diamond I'm getting engaged No it's a gravestone you're gonna die Was that it?

There was something else to work There was something else that was really good Wait, that's the whole thing. From being too beautiful. No, it's that. Okay, so I would go like, we're doing it one more time. We've got it.

Give her another take. One of God, give her another take. I feel like I'm pleased to run in the cup back. Fine. But you do hate, listen. You go when, and then I say, I understand. I get it.

I get it. I get it. I understand. I understand. Look, and make the two of you, do not. Fuck it up. Okay, here we go. Okay, Rupert.

Here goes everything. So imagine I'm in sort of whatever. I can see a tent around you. Yeah, yeah. There's a tent. Okay, ready? Oh, the fair. The Great Campania, the fair.

Afternoon. The great Cambini. I've heard amazing things. May you read my fortune. Of course Helena Bauer 32 years of age Best newcomer nominee

2019 Oh yes Interesting Oh wait No of course Yes I see some sort of stone A diamond

I'm getting engaged It's a gravestone You're gonna die Of what course No, you've got to say when. You've got to say when. You can't have another girl. Can we go from that?

Can we go from that? Because I did mess up. You didn't pick it off, but that is it. We're not picking it up. We're not picking it up. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. The bearded lady. See the bearded lady?

What a day of the fun fair. Tis Kent, 2020. Come and see the lobster boy. The lobster boy was marvellous What a day at the fair it was Ah The great Cambini tent Good sir

Read my fortune if you will Ah yes Helena Bowen How did you know my name You live with Sineal How Let's do a thick sort of a reu It comes out of there

You can add a sound for that later, right? Ah, yes. Or like a fairy nose, like... Oh, yeah, on with this. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, interesting, yes. I see some sort of stone.

A stone? A diamond? Oh my God, I'm getting engaged. It's a gravestone. You're going to die. When? Today. Of what course? Let me just check the fine print.

From being to beautiful. You fucked that end line. That was all right! That was good! That was all right! I was at the moment! Hold on.

From being too beautiful! It's nice. It's good stuff. Catherine, do you want your foot to you? No, thank you. Did I ever tell you that I worked in the only cinema that was left in Europe? Question mark in Dublin.

It was certainly the last one in Ireland that had the health and safety permissions to serve hot butter on popcorn it was the greatest job in my life greatest honour and privilege actually so you would order your popcorn and then I would go to a vat of melted hot butter oh my god you've not turned me on this much in a while

and I would often double the box so you wouldn't get that drift shut your whole mouth and then if I liked you I wouldn't just give you one ladle I'd even maybe half fill the bucket then put butter in the centre and then refill it and then I would pour melted butter all over the popcorn such as the experience of eating it made you genuinely like finger deep in grease

but was exquisite you'd be left with the sort of clawing salty mouse but until then can you just quickly like can you like try and sell me that like I'm coming into the cinema I don't know what it is like hi what can I get you

hi just a snack I'm going to watch Gladiator. It's the year 2000. Would you like popcorn? Or nachos? Or a hot dog. Oh. We sell all of them here. And what sort of popcorn do you do? Well, I can get you salty or sweet, or if you'd like, I could pour hot, melted butter

over your salted popcorn. And then it can be warm and I guess greasy, but salty. I just had a vision. Because the cinema's in the dog. Could you mix some peanut butter into a place? We don't have that, but you could put Eminem peanuts through

and they'd melt in the butter. Would that be nice? Would you like that? Here comes the second cry of the day. I do think I want that. Yeah, I'll make it for you when you come to my house sometimes. Because I'm not a massive popcorn person, but then I remember seeing... I make it all the time with salted butter. I'll make you...

Oh, my God, it's divine. I'll make it for you. We've got a sleep over next week. Do we? Yeah? Great. Do you remember? Yes.

I'm sleeping over yours. Wonderful. On the 31st? Oh, for fuck sake. I want to do, there's like a way that people do popcorn where they do that, like, you melt chocolate with butter, and then you stir the popcorn into it, and then you cover it with coconut, like desiccated coconut, and it's like a chocolate macaroon tree. And it's, like, really, like, light, and it's just, like, moorish.

And I'm like, oh, my God. So you're staying at my mind. on the 31st, is it? Yeah. Oh, right, okay. What if the 31st would have already happened by the time

this goes out? We're recording this a week in advance. Because it's after the outside is awful gig. How was your sleepover with me? Greasier than I anticipated. Or maybe you've worn them down over the earth.

I think so. I genuinely think that is it. Exposure therapy. I love that. Instead of won them over, you've worn them down. No, and you're dead, right?

I have just war, I've just hacked away at it. But you're right. I'm so sorry, I meant one. No, that was so perfect. You nailed it. Nailed it. No.

But I will say... I'm sorry, my English is very bad. Too fucking late. And you're a Russian now? Okay, so now you have white people coming to the show. Yes, and they're lovely. And I don't know. I'm waiting for the butt.

It's okay. The reason I'm not nervous here is not because I don't think people in UK aren't funny. But I just feel like... No, it's okay. It's okay. We did shit to you guys. It's absolutely fine if you don't think our sense of humor's great. Compared to what we did, you're allowed to not enjoy our sense of humor.

I think that's fine, given the centuries of bloodshed. I know that the only thing you really know about me is that I got my nipple pierced to prove a point. I love that story so much. You're the only person who's ever looked at me and said that that was relatable. It was so relatable. I am so pathetic sometimes.

You are my favorite person in the world. I don't mean it. You're so relatable. I'm so pathetic. Yeah. You don't win them over. You warm down. You are, no, you are never, never changed.

But I'm really pathetic and you're not But when someone... So you went down to make a clip of that That was the happiest moment of my life Oh no My English was very bad Go, make it!

How about you both look at each other and say together on the count of three We are not pathetic We are cool. Ready? Look at each other, look at them The two of us are like I don't want to lie to it. Okay, no this is good for you

One, two, three We are not pathetic We are cool. Okay, now what? more time, but where you believe it. I can't again. I can't. That's enough. That's as much as the other. I think like you're, like you're, like you're bullying is now. It feels like, I do do that sometimes. That's my sister, all right. No, thank you. I don't know where your hands been. Oh my God. No, it hasn't. I think it seems like quite a relevant next question.

From Charlotte. Hi Charlotte. For Helen. For Helen. If Helen did finally decide to not be the straightest woman in comedy. Thank you. This is such a good question. I'm already hyped. You have to answer it. Which famous by or lesbian comedian would she want to go for? Oh my God, so many. That's such a good question. Oh my God, there's so many really fit ones. Yeah, but you have to choose one. Take your time. Take your time. That's such a good question. Can I list some options at you? No, because then I feel like we're listing and I'll be saying no, but it'll sound nasty, but it's not. Do you know what I feel like I just need to pick the one? Okay, I'm just going to like do a scenario in my head. Okay, it's late at night. I'm at a gig. We're doing the gig together. They're backstage. Obviously, just to be clear, Catherine Bohart is not an option in this, and neither is Ellen. Oh, Ellen is? No, Ellen can't be an option in this.

She is. Then I'd probably, I'd probably frot Ellen. No. Woo-hoo! Honestly, me and Olga Cock would have the ride of all time. Do you think Olga? We'd have such a great ride. Me and Chloe would argue too much.

I know Olga's got the energy. I'm going to go for Koch. Of course. The most straight woman choice of the bisexual. I'm going for Koch. She's going for Koch. I'm going for cock. I'm going for cock. That's very funny. She's still the straightest woman in comedy. That's so hot. I could you imagine. It's just such a straight answer. That's so funny.

I don't think all the cock is a straight answer. I think it's just like I just, I'm going. The word cock is a straight answer. Her energy. Do you get the jokes? I do. But. Fair, fine. But just know that I would have a good gone most of the girls. Carry on. Before we start. have some things to give you. So this is chocolate for M. Yes, but you can't give it to me

because I'll eat it. Don't eat it. Don't you open those eggs. Do not open those eggs. Show me a text from M saying that you can and then we'll talk. Can I eat one? No, you can't eat the eggs first.

Jesus. I'm going to need to see the reply before you start eating her. It's so astonishing that you think that you're entitled to that after all of M's work setting at the studio and editing.

She would give me one anyway. All she said is please save some. That's so. That's so beautifully defeatist It's like I know you're going to eat it I know you're going to eat loads of it Please can you at least just save me some

Not like yes you can have a piece Just like God I know if you open this You're going to try to eat it all So that's so astonishing that she's like Please don't eat it all Please don't eat at all Please allow me a sliver of my own gift The negotiation is now ongoing

Where I'm saying what about an egg Oh my God I'm getting hungry We had like a three course Can you ask him if I can have an egg Yeah of course Right let's see what she said you can have an egg. Did you mean to get a white chocolate one now now?

Yeah. Can you tell we're eating the egg? Thank you M. God damn. That was divine. That was divine. The reason I'm still moving house, by the way. I know this has been taking centuries is that the house that we're moving into needs work. And so she's doing this two week build.

But all of this is to say that I had to win. I don't know if she's exhausted from the sheer physical effort of it all. But the other day, as a joke, because she hates, and I mean hates my colour-coded books in my house. So as a joke We all have problems with them As a joke She was like

Whatever you do They're not going that way So I was just like bringing her books down From into the new office And putting mine in And as a joke The new office Wait what is happening here

So we have two rooms Yeah yeah yeah One of them's gonna be in office One of them's gonna be in office Okay Or Helen's room Oh no it's gonna have a blow up bed For Helen of course

Of course Of course Warder bed if the patrons Donate enough But wait so I am bringing down the books And I just thought Oh it'll be funny

if she comes in and all the books are colour-coded. It took me so much longer than I expected. For a funny joke. That classic Catherine prank. I'm going to colour-code everything. Zing! You've been zinged by a woman with OCD and mental health problems. I've colour-coded the bookcase.

Zing! Oh, and how we laughed. Fucking hell. But wait, you're missing the point. She was singed. She was singed. She was horrified and laughed. And then I laughed so much that I cried.

After three hours of work, worth it. But I did. I laughed till I cried to so much. But then she liked it. How is that funny? I don't get it. I want to be support for this. But that's just not funny.

Because you show us in a race. You're crying. Zinged. They're all red on the top shelf. how did you know no it's because her face she was so annoyed she was so annoyed and it really made me laugh

anyway mental health jokes are the funniest oh but then you let me keep it oh good I won three hours in oh okay well I really you have to be there

are you okay you're genuinely crying was it genuinely okay no I'm sure it was really lull sorry I really just realized who I am

who God yeah just now when you're like I really she really did laugh whew okay sorry well

so you had a big blank it's so mad to me that you are figuring out these things about yourself as we go along you're okay we're just fanning her down with pig coasters

you're okay darling I think I need a second so that must have been so funny and then it's just what I'm trying to say with love is usually like people do things like

hide behind the door and jump out you know but this was scarier because she hates it forget it I took the curtains down and washed them

and put them back up I showed her No, but it's the opposite It's if I... I didn't clean the fridge. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No, but she hates it, so it's like a jump scare. Yeah.

And then the sweet panic. She really panicked that all of our books were mixed up. It's like I'd like married her in her sleep. You know that kind of way? Yeah, when I'd love you to play a prank on me. I've got a lot of stuff that needs to be done at my flower. Please. I'll come right to prank your flat.

Are you excited to having a new... new flat to decorate for Christmas time. Wow, I cannot breathe. I would get you an inhale over. No, look, obviously this is like really difficult as a challenge for a person with OCD moving into a house with other people. Yeah, but you can get, you can decorate for Christmas. Is that exciting?

Oh, God, what is that with me? You're just very emotional from being seen. You haven't quite laughed like that since, um, do you remember that conversation we had outside of the Dean Street, um, Elizabeth's line? Oh my God. Because you said, my brother is my parents' favorite sibling, which makes sense because he's sensible and has a good job and lives near home and I'm crazy. No, it's because he's an easy race.

That's what it was. And it also made sense. Oh, my God. All of this is to say, I'm almost on moving. Every hole's a goal. Every hole's a goal. Came in what? Okay.

He's a fire. Catherine, it's banter. You have to high-fi. Banta. Pienta. It's just. come to me come where

I think Lads, let's Lens, Lentz K back where I mean doesn't work as well But it doesn't work It doesn't work

It was pretty close I can't believe it's not butter It's just All this talk about your breasts And your armpits Is giving me a semi-permial membrane Yeah Is that a bonus? Is that a bonus?

Like a semi- Yeah, I'll take it I've got a PhD Do you? Pretty huge dick? Hey. Catherine, that's actually... Yeah, Catherine, that's too far.

You were too far. Can you have some of the dignity? Can we talk about, please? You had something in your story to tell me, you said. That's... Oh, no. Yeah. And I'm nervous.

I'm nervous. Go on. Okay, I had an incident in Australia, like a really bad one. What? And I don't... And I was like, I don't... Honestly, I could...

Is this... tell anyone for 24 hours. I should have, I should have, I should have gone, I should have flown home, I think. Were you in the hospital? And then, no, no, I should have gone. Were you in the police office? No, I should have been arrested, though.

I should have been arrested. What happened? I had, so sweaty. Like, have you ever had something happened to you where you're like, I have to take this to the grave? What are you talking about? Okay, start at the beginning, start at the beginning. Don't give the punch line away.

I just, I said there was a punchline. Oh, sweet God, okay. Okay, I had two nights of heavy drinking, like heavy, and I... Wait, hang on a second, is this going to be a poo story? No. Thank God, okay. Wee, wee. Okay, so go on.

So you had two nights of heavy drinking. I went to bed in the hotel room. You did not wet yourself. You did not wet the bed. I wish I just wet myself. You did not wet the bed. I go to bed. I can't figure out the aircon situation in the room.

I thought it was a spare remote for like a TV that was hidden from me, which I thought was funny. So I'm sleeping naked, very warm, I'm very pissed Are you alone? I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone, okay I've got no idea what's happening I wake up, I wake up with the accent I wake up a couple of hours later I've got to do the accent because I've got to remove myself from it

Right I'm talking about response I wake up a couple of hours later Don't cover your mouth, we need to hear the story It's a podcast Naked in a stairwell I've never been to before Pissing myself standing up I can't swear

Don't look at actually Neither of you look at me Neither of you look at me Just don't look down I was like Oh panicking I was naked

I'd never been to this stairwell before I'd been in the hotel for like two weeks I didn't even know there was a stairwell I thought it was just a lift And I came to

standing up looking down at this puzzle growing around my toes naked Wait. So naked. A second. No key, no phone.

Okay. What? Wait. What? Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

Hang on. Hang on. Stop. Take a breath. Breathe with me. Breathe with me. You're not there anymore. Breathe with, breathe with me.

You're not there anymore. Now hang on a second. So you are purseless, bagless, keelis, boneless, naked, stud up, weeing in a, because, of course, you didn't know there was stairs because you were taking a lift. That's fine. But then you don't, so you've obviously gone there drunkenly thinking it was the bathroom in your sleep. That's... Helen.

It was four doors away from my room. Helen. What had I done? Wait a second. What time is it? It's early hours, 2 a.m. 3 a.m. I have to know. How did you get back into your room?

Oh, Catherine. Did you have to go naked to reception? I wish I could get to reception. What are you stuck in the... What are you saying? What are you saying? What happens next? What happens next?

What happens next? What happens next? I woke up pissing myself. Yeah, we got that. It took me about, I'd say, probably 60 seconds to really come to and realize the reality. Okay. And I was like, oh my fucking God. I'm disgusting.

Oh my God, what have I done? I haven't slept walked in a year. Oh, Helen. And I'm next to me. Wait, did you used to see walk as a kid? Wait, wait, did you used to sleep walk? Yeah, last time 31st of August 977, we're on family holiday in Paris.

I think I killed Princess Diana. It's the whole thing, you know that already. And then I hadn't done it in years. I come to in this. there while I'm pissing. I try the door next to me and it doesn't open. Have you stopped pissing? Sorry, Andrew. You have to understand

the first people I told this story to I lied and didn't tell them about the piss and I'm just still like I'm still trying to be honest, you know what I mean? Okay, okay, so you're trying the doors. He doesn't open. Wait, you're trapped? You're trapped? You're trapped? And you think of we? And the whole... No, God got sight dank, they had no clothes on, at least

didn't, you know, there's a puddle, it's not on me. anyways thank God I had the foresight to split my legs you don't know yes there's a pissy smell but you can't get it you can't get Andrew no questions at this time

no I would like to take it because I feel like Catherine's come with judgment whereas Andrews have a tip I'm coming with questions so you say oh thank goodness there was no weak to fail on me so whatever happens when you were resolved to situation

find a naked person in the stow or whatever you're just going to oh this problem of piss but that wasn't me I'm hoping I honestly Andrew I'm in a plausible Deniability has the word plausible in there. I'm in such a blind. The plate just fell over in my panic.

It's so shocked. I needed to go back to facts though. Facts. What happens next? I try opening the door and the reason I probably fuck it, forget about it. It's not worth it. You're trying the door. I'm trying every single door on every floor and none of them are opening because I couldn't even get back onto a floor and I'm there and I've definitely

for some reason even though I didn't, I had not been in it. I knew I was in the hotel like something just told me. I was like, you are in the hotel but you are so naked and you have nothing. I was, and none of the doors would open onto the floors. Not one scrap of clothes, not one I owe to.

No, nothing, I have two hands and I've got three bits to cover, okay? You're already in a tricky position. But I can't even, forget in the fact, I need someone to help me here. Are you holding you, sir? Catherine, at this point, I'm just naked running around, trying every door.

I'm not screaming, I'm not shouting, I don't want to create a scene because I feel like I've already done it. Okay, so you're walking inside, and somberly to each door. I'm like trying everything. Nothing like I go all the way down to the bottom. So I'm like maybe there's a basement.

And I'll be able to find the service list. Oh, I would have gone there to die. And they'll be like, and I was thinking like, when I went to the hotel, there was like old towels out somewhere. I was like, if I could cover myself, everything would be easier. No basement, but there is a door that opens. Onto the street.

No. And I'm not staying anymore. The urban of a new town and it's a busy road. Wait, wait, wait, I need to process this information. Sorry, you open the door. It's so simple. Wait, wait, wait. You open the door at 2 a.m.

I'm going to throw it. Are there people on the street, people milling around? No, but like I am waiting for cars to come past. And you need to get yourself from whatever exit you've come out of, presumably like around the corner from the main entrance. You're going to have to walk yourself nude around that corner to the main door. It's not nude. It's naked. It's very different.

So you have to walk yourself around the corner to the main entrance. doors? That was half stopping? What happens next? God sent me a sign. What happens next? God sent me a sign. There was a door to ring, a doorbell, to get a night receptionist because there's no one on reception and I can just see through it through the door. Wait a second. How many steps between the door

you've just come out to the reception door? I take my naked body out the door, but I refuse to lose my last door. This is the only door that will move for me. I keep one toe in it. Cars start going past. I couldn't give a fuck. Do you have to spread your legs to get over to the... I... I... I... I... I... I...

I lunge Please stop Because you're not like You understand I have to ask these questions So you lunge One toe in the door You lunge your ass cheeks

Open and part As you reach For the night Which thank God I can reach Because I'm tall Thank God Yeah my little tiny ass

I'll have to be out of the door I'm like ring Ring Ring Ring Does the night reception disappear and see you No

On the intercom I get a Hello because you can remember night reception is a very specific sort of person that does not want any human contact specifically from a massive lady who's naked and covered in pets. He doesn't even know about this.

Female or male voice answers. Definitely a young man. He's on his summer job. He's on a summer job. It's his dad's a tell he doesn't want to be there. Okay, he answers and says hello. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to level with you. And it's this level of panic.

I promise I'm staying at the hotel I'm in room 221 I'm so naked I've slept walked I say nothing about piss You mustn't I couldn't even fathom getting there That's not even at the time

But I made it very clear I'm in the stairwell You must come get me I am naked I have nothing Like I was born I was hungry Were you there

Were you there? I'm screaming in panic What, is he understanding you as this is... Oh, he is like, there's a loon on the street. And I keep saying, Helen Bauer, two, two, one. Helen Bauer, two, two, one. Maybe you can check in the system. And I was like, I've sleptwalk, I've sleptwalk.

I promise I'm not, like, please help me, please help me. And then he goes, give me a second. And there's nothing. And I'm just there, like, being like, do I just stay here? Finger on the bell, toe in the door, car's driving by, your ass is parting. Spread eagle like this. Like, arrives a man. What?

About five foot tall. To work, to win. And I don't know why it's important. Hang on it. It's important because he's looking up at your tits. It's important. He's gathered there's a naked girl. He has not seen the full goods yet.

And you've got to remember, my breasts at first are a little bit. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. Now, as a petite woman, you might not have experienced this. I've experienced none of this. You might have done living through life as a man.

you know when you someone turns around and sees you and they immediately get a bit spooked like they're like oh god I didn't know there was like a man on the street as a larger woman every now and again I do get that from other women

they're like oh sorry and it's like it's okay they're just a bit spooked very rarely seldom does a man freak out at my body but he came through and he went

let I say I don't think that's even about your size or height I think that some of them He was coming up to here. But Helen... And I went, help me! And he went, oh!

He doesn't even know about the piss at this point. His night's about to get so much worse. Hang on. How many breaks are you needed? Is your toes still in the door? I've joined him. I've joined him in the stairwell. Which I actually think was a fucking poor move on my point

because we should have got lifting. And also, how about this? He should have brought a fucking towel. Okay? I am so naked. And I was very clear, very clear I was naked. The young man, the young boy, the young boy, should have brought a nice big bath sheet

for big naked, poor fat Helen, because she was struggling, okay? And that was his job. Did he do it? Did he buggerie? Now, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, please, please, please, please. You're stood together in the, in the... He's recoiled.

In the stairwell. what does, who speaks first? He has no chat. Okay, and I need him to talk. So at this moment I'm panicking because I've got two hands and I've got three things to cover. So I go for back bum and tits.

You went back bum and tits. I thought it'd be funny. Just so, to fuse attention. What did you go with? I went with tits and fanny. Yeah, fair, fair, fair, fair. So he's leading the way up the stairs? And I go, floor two, floor two.

Now, at this point, I remember there's a puddle of best. Somewhere. Oh, sweet Jesus. And he's not saying anything. And you know what I'm like? He's not saying anything. He's not saying anything. He could have said something.

He is repulsed by me. I might have still had some urine dribbling down my legs. What age is he? I'm going to say 19. Oh, fuck. Okay, okay. Okay, fuck. He might never have seen a woman naked before.

God. Oh, God. We're walking up because of saying anything. I'm just like, fucking. What are you saying? And I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, God, a sleepwalking eight months. Better happens all the time. The one thing he says is when he turns around.

I go, I bet it happens all the time. And he just goes, never. We get to my set of stairs. Have you reached the piss yet? Honestly, and I've been completely honest. We might have done, we might not have done. I was in such a panic. Yeah.

You're life slashing before your eyes. We could have been standing in it. You're at life flashing before your eyes. Oh, my life is over at this point as far as I'm concerned. and it was so weird because you know I've never experienced shame before. Ever. I've never seen you. It was my first time experiencing.

Oh baby girl. That's me every single day. May I tell you though? You're still so impressive because honestly I'd have woken up pissing and I'd have climbed to the very top stairs. I jumped. Imagine if he slipped from the piss

to knock yourself unconscious. Oh my God, no. Okay, so it could be worse, but it wasn't that. Okay, so wait, so you get to the second floor and then, okay, so you have to go into... Now you know that when he opens the door you're going to be going into a hall where people might be.

And a part of me was just thinking, just give me the fucking master key, man. Like, you can come, I'll leave outside the room. Or go get me a towel. Go get me a towel. Wait, does he make you walk down the hole in the, of the hotel? Luckily, it was like four doors away and it was around the corner. But he doesn't get you a towel then?

No, I follow him, he opens it, and I just walk in like this, and nothing else has said. He opens your bedroom door. Yeah. You walk in, and then what do you say? Oh, I walk in, the door closes and I just start like Medea-style howling, like a Greek tragedy. You should have called me. And then went straight to sleep. Of course you were exhausted.

because part of me was convinced it was a dream. When you woke up after your weep, how did you know what it definitely happened? The shame. You know when you know. The shame. You know when you know. What's your favourite pasta dish?

Oh, my favorite pasta is to Carbonara. Really? Oh, you're surprised? Is it because you don't do it right here? No, hey, no, I don't eat meat. Oh, sorry. And also, I'm not English. So your offence can't hurt me.

The food here is bad, correct? But I was more shocked that it was such a boring answer. Sorry. I want to flip the table. Are you free to fight back with her? What have you heard about Irish food that's amazing? Don't let her just do things like that. Like, what's, what, oh, I loved a potato.

Don't be led by her to say something culturally insensitive. Don't do that. Don't follow her lead. I even ran out of those. So it's mad. It's absolutely mad. Ran out of crazy. You, well, where do they go?

Oh, I want the potato famine if you didn't run out of them. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, you have to see us like this. I'm really sorry. This is a strive. What's your favorite Irish stew? Oh, I'd expect something more exciting. The Irish stew.

But wait, so what's your favorite Italian dessert? I like a panacotta. Oh, silence. Listen, what's your favorite German dessert? Um, a ma'm more cooking. Oh, lovely. What's that? Well, wouldn't you like to know.

It's like a lot. It's a marbled cake. It's very nice. What do you like to know? And what's your favourite Irish pudding? Yeah, what's your favorite Irish slop? Yes! See, this is it!

This is it! And then you can just punch her in the face. Cheers, big ears. All I love, M&P. Cheers big ears. They tried something. You never tried something when you're young? Whoa.

Okay, you are. Just say same goes long nose and let them have it. Same goes long nose. yikes what we forget is how thick people are because we're bright okay we're bright people speaking of the general public

I identify as thick actually I identify as thick rather there is a threat somewhere on the internet where they hate me and one of their things was she keeps saying that she lives in a teeny tiny flat but she has like five bathrooms and I was like what

it's because every time I'm like in a hotel I'll take like a picture in the mirror So they think that it's like all of my bathrooms. Conspiracy. Sophie Hagan is actually a millionaire. One kitchen, one bedroom, five bathrooms. That's so, I get it. As a layer, I like it.

I love them. That's an extent where you're like. I'm not the brightest, but there's some levels of thick where you're like, oh dear. Like, I should look away, but I can't. Like, have you ever seen someone push a pool door and then give up? I feel so honored that they're doing it. Like, it's like when other people are, I'm just so happy, it's not me.

I'm like, oh, mate, I know how that feels. And I'm so happy you are feeling it. What I will say, because I'll be nice about it. What I will say is I feel like there's a point at which, like, you get to also where there's, like, I used to have to answer every, like, for the love of God. Whereas now, because of the podcast and where I say, the sort of wonderfully protective lesbians that are built around us,

now occasionally before I even have to reply usually if anyone writes something to the tune of I thought she was dating that other comedian there are like eight lesbians being like well you should maybe think about that in private maybe you should think that on your own maybe you should check these things and it's like that's nice

that's nice would you say the lesbian go to emotion is angry would you say that question's homophobic no it's not curiosity because that was a good impression but I totally know what you mean because I get them going for like people who are like

I mean granted I do set myself up for the fat stuff sometimes like don't release a special with a company called 800 pound gorilla oh fuck me oh Sophie do you ever just like walk into it and go that's on me actually that's a hundred oh I'm gonna own that one no they fucking didn't

no they did I hate people talk about 800 pound gorillas and it's like no I earned that one like that one was on me logo on every single single. And they're like, don't be so hard on yourself. Oh, you're beautiful. It's just max 400 pound.

Like it's not. Like a little chimpanzee. He's so mean to yourself. 400 pen chimpanzee of anything, babe. Get it, girl, boss. Sometimes. It's like, you know, my Apollo when I have the camel toe. Oh, you're a moose.

Yeah, the whole way through it. But then a guy was, like, trolling all the trolls being like, you should have a camel to, a camel to, and the size of that, that's a moose knuckle. And you know when you're like, a what? A moose knuckle. Which is so funny. It's fucked, but so funny.

Oh, don't you wish you could have done that? Are you kidding? I liked it for my personal profile. I thought it was so great, which then invited all of them in to find me there. Don't you want to do it again and then use the joke and you want to, yeah. Obviously, moose knuckle. It's worth it. It's worth it.

It's worth it. It's worth it. hundred pounds. That's so funny. I can't believe we're a hundred years old. A hundred episodes. I remember when we were four. We were little.

I thought I'd have love by now. You were supposed to be married. We've fucked up our lives. All we've done is this podcast. Lolly. Yeah. How are you at giving advice? Really good, actually.

Any advice on what makes it work? I think the universe will sort of guide you fucking earth signs fucking earth signs see where your body takes you if your body's saying I'm in love with someone else then go that way earth I honestly

What are you two giggling about Why am I a teacher in this mode what are you two excuse me Helen Bauer and Lowy what are you gossiping about

I don't know I thought silly sorry I'm sorry do you have any more advice um love is love are you fucking

kidding me would you have said that if she had a boyfriend love wins fuck you guys in a world where you can be anything be kind Jesus Christ

you forgot one it gets better yeah yeah nice okay A meal without wine is called breakfast Really nice

Live La Flav Pog Mahon This is from Hannah Who says last Friday I went to a medium evening And genuinely a pig How come it wasn't very good Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Thank you Oh very good Very good I want this Zing I'm so sorry I'll be kind Why do you

Sometimes I'm like Why do you, not just why do you podcast with me? We're like, do you want to be friends? I just think we just travel through the life so differently. It's just like, we've got such a different sense of you. It's very pleasing. Sorry, God, I love you. I love you so much.

You're a good guy. Okay, we've been here for approximately half an hour. I'm guessing you're never going to ask me. So yes. Did you pass my driving test? I really thought I could make it to four. minutes. You fucking shitbag. I genuinely thought we could have got to be in the end. You're a shipbag. I was like, when are you going to ask me, Dick Ward? I have some other parish announcement at the age of 34.

I pass my bloody driving test. And she was genuinely over the moon. Like I spoke to you on the phone like an hour afterwards. You were like, I did it. It's done. I was absolutely walking. I still have when I think about it. Like I'm on cloud nine about it because I can't tell you how much money I've spent on lessons and how many lessons I've had. And the fact that it was a six month wait for both tests. so bad. It was just hell. We've been, we were in our second Ramadan together, me and my instructor and I can't do it this time. She gets so hungry at the end. When you get round to the second year, it's a lot. When the days get so long, she's lesser. She's doing her best. No one could manage that. Blaby. So listen, what? Blaby. Is that what you meant to say? Yeah. Okay. All right.

And you do mean blaby. Blaby. Um, I don't even mind it. Listen, here's the thing. Can I tell you about it. Here's what happened. I think as is always, always going to be the way. I was always either going to fail like I did the first time on a dramatic, like I had three minors on a huge fail on a roundabout. Whipsies. Versus, I got zero faults. And I was always going to be the way. It was either

going to be perfect or basically almost a crash, I think, because I'm such a panicker. Yeah. Because I'm trying to be perfect. Yeah. Helen, I get in the car, well, I get to the testing centre and this old Scottish man comes out, and he's 65, he's not that old. Benny is his name.

He's from Glasgow. He trained as a shipbuilder. The point is... So you immediately went Protestant and Catholic? No. So that was already clear. We knew we were both. Catholic?

Yeah. So Benny comes out and he is like Miss Catherine, which is a funny phrase anyway. Miss Catherine. I know. And I was like, I love this man. He's a sweet angel.

He's like, this is going to be a piece of pitch. And I was like, I love him so much. And I was like, okay, great. And then he was like, read that. And I did it and he was like, see? Easy. I was like, did he think I couldn't read? Anyway, we went to the car and I got it and he was like,

oh, I just have to fill in a few forms. And I was like, Benny, take your time, use as much of my time as you like that, filling in the form. Like me, like me, like me, like me. He was like, loll. Yeah. And then we had like good band and then. You dropped it.

No, then I started to drive. No, no, you said I'm a comedian. I started to drive and he was like, all right, so I'm headed this way, head of this way. And then you'll drive independently. And I was like, okay, cool, Benny, just so you know, because I'd started to say everything I was doing at lead. he was like, I was like, P.S., I'm a talker.

Like, I will check. I'll say the things I need to do it. And he was like, also curse away, Lassie. If you need to curse away, don't put back on me. And I was like, really? And he was like, yeah. I don't even usually curse when I drive, but I was like, back every five seconds. Nothing was happening. Everything was fine.

And just testing it out, you know. And then we went on the easiest route that you can do. And he was like five minutes in. He was like, so what do you do? Five minutes into a 40 minute driving test. Here we go. Oh, sweet Jesus. Here we go.

What am I doing it? Am I saying? and I was like, I'm a comedian, Benny. Boom. Yeah, he's like, no way. You're so brave. No way. I was like, hallelujah. I was like, Benny, I'm not nearly as brave as a man who lets people who think they can drive, drive him around as if they can.

And he was like, well, sure, I'll have to do sit down. I was like, you're right. I do have to stand up the whole time. And he laughed and laugh. And then he asked me which comedians I liked and didn't like. And I kind of quickly ascertained who he liked and didn't like. And let's be honest, agreed and sold everyone down the river. So if he was like, I don't like so and so.

You'd be like, what? a fucking piece of who would who could women comedian um a fatty spinal

yes absolutely I did everything and also he was like at one point he was like what did he say

that he was like oh he said something that was slightly like ooh and I was like oh oh god you know the way they always do

but he he loved Alan Davies so when he found out that I'd done Alan Davies show oh my god did I get no faults or did I just

charm them Charmed, Benny. Who's to say? He was lovely. My manoeuvre, lol, this is how nice he was to me. My maneuver was pulling on the right and reverse back two cars lengths.

That's barely a maneuver, man. I thought a manoeuvre was like a parallel park. Indeed. I am brilliant up, but I didn't get show off. And so, yeah. I'm so proud of you. Oh my God. When I got back, he did this like dramatic reveal.

He was like, he said my full name, middle name and everything. Mary Joseph. He was like, Catherine Mary, Joseph, Beaufort. And then he turned the pad around and he was like, zero balls. And I was like, ah, baby! And the three children

who'd been in waiting to go out with their tests, you had all failed. So my driving instructor was like, oh my God, I was terrified waiting

for you because they're all failed. No. It was really sad because two of them prayed in the waiting room. Oh, no.

Parade. I know. I was like, oh my goodness. I guess it's not real. I guess I guess I passed and God doesn't exist. Bye.

But my coffee lady, the lady on my road who runs a, a coffee shop, found that it was my driving dress for my instructor and wrote good luck and two kisses

on the top of my coffee lid and then when it came back after... God, you really make it a whole community's project, don't you? Oh yeah. Ellen says I'm like Bell from Beauty and the Beast, but... I need success.

Me too! She didn't say it with an idiot part, but it's inferred, I think. I think she needs to say Bell from Beauty and the beach just because I talk to my neighbours and the local business owner. You don't talk to you neighbours, you go over there to work out and have

evenings in. Listen, I just want to know the, yes, I like a community vibe. Anyway, shout out to Timmy for my gorgeous coffee. And then when I came back, she was waiting outside afterwards to find out, and we had a big hug, it was real sweet. What a lovely time I passed my test. I was honestly, I actually can't talk about it without getting so excited. I'm so relieved.

It's over, you guys. It was so much of my life. Look, it's over. You did it. And now life is going to be super easy from now onwards. Jordan has been ignoring me since 2016. Yeah, because Helen loves, Diane. Please pay attention to me.

Do you think one of the listeners would make something of me to go in the collection? Why are we not getting any attention from Jordan right now? Did you plan this before I came in? Hello? I've shit myself. Cheap, nice. I've actually shit myself. I'm pregnant.

I'm not keeping it. It's my dad. Bear. Jesus. That's good. I'm going to graffiti your tablecloth. I'm actually going to graffiti your tablecloth. Please pay attention to me.

What the fuck is this? Please please I feel like I've died Do you have listener problems? I'm going to compliment from everyone in here because I'm feeling blocked I am feeling ignored and I'm sorry I Poured water and took my top off, but this is mad What the fuck is this? I have something to say This is so mean

What's happening? I'm gonna fart I'm gonna fart You're facing me Helen Not going very well actually Are you fucking recording that? Yeah Yeah Let's have one more problem

Let's do two more No we don't have time Because we have Nathan Fode Oh are you serious I know Nathan Fode I know you know Nathan Fogg Does he know I'm gonna be in I don't know if he knows

That you're gonna be here like this Well you guys can do a little handshake Before you can we do it Can I trick him or prank him? Yeah Okay great You're high behind the curtains Yeah can I actually do that?

Yeah That would be so funny I would actually love to do that That would be amazing oh my god if you hide in there and then oh he's on camera yes yes we can do the new ellen can we actually do that yes we have you that will be because you know what i could do i can make a sound like i go and he goes what is that and i could like helen in the back of the scene i do know he pretty well we were to sit gum together okay fuck you yeah eat shit horner thank you

she probably does so you get to stop it stop it is... We would like to formally apologize. That just took a year off my life. That's one of the... I panicked. I knew when I panicked. I just feel like...

That is one of the worst things that's ever happened to be, you little shit. Okay. Okay. Were you just on this fucking thing? Yes. You didn't just come here for this. You little wanker.

I know, come on. Let's say something kind to each other. Oh, he wins Taskmaster. He thinks he can do whatever he won. He brought his trophy for his time on the podcast. Congratulations, I'm winning. Stay on Mike. Let's stay on Mike.

Let's stay on Mike. I'll get out of you. Congratulations. Thank you, Cam. Sorry, that's a prank. I hated that. I don't like prank. I'm not a prank person.

I like tweaked my back when I screamed. That was so horrid and scary, Sam. So what's the deal? Are you two going to fuck or? No, I did ask about massage recently. She asked about it. She's getting creepier and creepier, basically.

So it used to be just like, it just started like with morning cuddy and I, I said yes to that because Emma Black said I had to. Yeah. But you do come in for cuddy now sometimes. I do. I do sometimes come in for cuddy when I think she's feeling sad. And then evening, it's. It's like I do try and slip off to my room in the evening. Can I quickly interject?

When he says, I think she's feeling sad. He's not reading on the subtleties of the situation. I'm crying and I'm saying, I'm really sad. She cried literally all the time. Does she cry all the time? Or pretends to, you just never know. Yeah, you can't be sure. It's lies.

Yeah. But now, so the remit has expanded to, like, I try and slip off to my bedroom at night, but she runs down the hallway. Yeah, this has become a bit common. And then I lock the door. And then she like, scratch. and bangs on the door. Sometimes she slips an arm in.

Sometimes she fully gets in. Oh, the one where I got under your legs the other day. Anyway, look, it's turning to evening cuddy. And evening cuddy, I'm like, all right, let's just get it over and done with it. And then she demands, she kiss it. She keeps saying kissy, kissy, kissy. And I'm like, no, I'd have to push her head away. Yeah, and I've told you, you should not control women by pushing their head.

Just the cheeky. She holds her head out and go, kissy, kitty. No, I don't think that's right. It's not right. That's too much to expect. Before you go on a date. No. Not so trusty, these hogs.

Thank you so much to our executive producers. Guy Goodman, Simon Moores, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Sarah Deakin, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Matthew Thomas and Madeline Quinn. And thank you also to our producers, Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bould, Neil Redmond, Victoria Hutchison, Harold Van Dyke, Tim and Dom, David Walker, Rachel Larr, Sady Cashmore,

Clare Owen Jones. Jess and Nick, Zoe, Sarah and Molly Riafink, Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina, Lindsay, Graham, Marsh, Amy O'Reiden, Abbey Wharf, Key Webb, Matt Sims, Luke, Wright, Leah, Kate, Spencer, Tristan, Liz, Storce, Tass, Chloe, Becky Fock, Emily G, Dean Michael, Glenys Wood, Stephanie Catratchia,

Sophie Chivers, Mark, Anthony. Why won't you separate them? Carrie Sooth, Charlie... I can't believe you did it two weeks and a ride. Sorry, keep going, keep going, keep going, I believe in you. Sorry to the producers. Carrie Sooth, Charlie, A, K, C, Haley, Warf. Thank you all so much!

Yay!