Trusty Hogs - Ep116. JOE SUTHERLAND / Twunks, Transitions & Town Planning

Episode Date: January 11, 2024

From a Sims obsession to a gay slang lesson, we start 2024 as we mean to go on: ricocheting through a million different topics at a barely listenable pace. Our first guest of the year is returning favourite all the way back from episode 5, it's JOE SUTHERLAND...FOLLOW JOE: @JomodityTOUR TICKETS: trustyhogs.com/tourThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Deakin / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew Thomas / Madeline Quinne / Grace O'ReillyPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Emily Gee / Dean Michael / Stefanie Catracchia / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Hayley Worf / GozzaWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to episode 116 of Trusty Hoggs. We're back for the new year. It's 2004 and we're thrilled to have you here. It's what? Oh, God. Oh my God. Oh, no. In 2004.

Oh, God. Yeah, it's 2004 for me. I'd be listening to a lot of podcasts based around the millennium. What? About the dawn of porn and online industries. Oh, gosh. I'm going to take over. I get it.

Welcome to Trustee Hoggs. It's episode 116. The year is 2020. What? I'm Helen Bauer. This is Catherine Bola. We're comedians. I'm coming to you from the past.

One of us is in 24. One of us is in 04. But either way, it's your choice. It's your body. It's your life. It's your time zone. It is. Pick it.

Yeah. Oh, God. I wish it was 2004 for my body in time zone. Really? Oh, the energy I had. My God, I was an athlete, yeah. I'm just really quickly. We're going to just chat and then we're going to have on a wonderful guest.

And then we're going to solve a problem. And happy New Year. Hope you're all thriving. What do? For New Year's? Yeah. You know what I did. I had a little house party.

Oh, I did. Welcome to Trustee Hogs. Through the fog. Step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah. You're going to give them your problems and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech.

Oh, it's Helen and Cat. Like through it as the trusty hogs. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. By 2004, I was in year nine. Year nine maybe. I was 16. Which means that I would have been 13? Yes.

Okay. So, oh my God. Oh, so I'd already pretended I had my period, but it won't start in actuality for another two years. That's so nice. I did what I did every New Year's on. I was What, 22?

Which is watch Mary Kate and Ashley movies with my best friend Karen. You guys. Yeah. That's actually really lush. It was so wholesome. We'd have been watching

like a New York minute or yeah. What were the other ones? I can't remember that. Paris? Take London. Yeah. Oh God. It's so good.

Oh my God. The Paris one is amazing but the London one is based around Model UN which was as close to debating as it got and I was so into it. I do not think I've ever seen this one. Mary Kate and Ashley were in the Model UN. Yeah, and they, I mean, their characters were.

And they did this model UN thing, but then they also kept visiting that Peter Pan statue in Hyde Park. I've been to it. And they did a huge montage in Camden Market, which as an Irish teen made me be like, Camden Market looks amazing when I got there. I was like, I don't know that anybody needs this many henna tattoos. I'm, no, it's not what I was expecting, I'll be honest.

I'm trying to think New Year's 2004. I think I was probably just the one year away from being house parties. So maybe it was like a family one. And for me I was approximately nine years away from house parties. We had different experiences. I remember like there was some great house parties in fleet for New Year's over the years. But there was one year that I didn't get invited and everyone else did

because this girl was a psychopath. And I know it was like women support women. blah blah blah blah she was a fucking horse slut psychopath and I stand by that to this day she was so mean okay we're on our first episode I don't give a fuck I think let's just roll it back a little

I can tell you do not give a single end and I'm not saying her name because this is being edited overnight and coming out for you tomorrow so I'm not going to give any edit points but you know who you are because you lived in the blue triangle and fleet and I hope you're listening don't give it her she's not listening

many roads that have still she didn't invite her house party. She's not listening, babe. She was so mean. Joe is listening. It's one of our listeners called Georgie, who had a big audition. And she's into musical theatre, so I'm sure that was what she was doing this morning. And she messaged to say, I just came out of a big audition and I needed to tell Helen that we discussed at length in the audition with the Swedish man who was auditioning them. Fleet services. Stop. I know. They spend considerable portions of it explaining the concept to him and I wish I could see it on camera.

That's so funny. So the people in Sweden don't have. Salvest stations? No, I think they do conceptually, but I guess the sort of... The passion around Flea. You know what I mean? I think it's hard to evoke that. But I guess that's her job if she's an actor. I had a problem with... If anyone who's new, I grew up in Fleet behind the service station. On stage the other night,

I was just like casually... You know, Up the Creek, Sunday Special in Greenwich? Lovely gig. And I was just like casually mentioned. Like, oh, I'm from a very small town. It's called Fleet. And this guy went... And I was like, what? Like, do you know it? or like and then he was like just oh just everyone's in fleets just so passionate about it i don't get it and i was like what the actual fuck turns out he's from the new forest and it's like oh my god like i get it like the ponies are wild but only because if you fucking tame them

you're gonna fuck him you're fucking imbred freaks oh can you tell that i'm having a really rough new year so far yeah babe the vibes are bad for all but i finish therapy an hour ago can i just say you're going on holiday tomorrow you got to close back up whatever your door you've opened to therapy, everything's fine. Well, I'm trying not to sleep for three days and my second day of not sleeping. Why? Because we've got an overnight flight.

That doesn't mean you have to not sleep for three days. You need to be tired. You wouldn't go on the plane tired. You look tired already, babe, no offence. I know, I've put on a lot of makeup on the bus. I've got like a heartbeat in my eyebrow. I think one day would have done it. No, because you need to be really sleepy so you sleep the whole flight because we've realised we're landing. We thought we booked our flight

so good, but we're landing in Mexico City at 4 a.m. We don't have any Spanish skills and have never been before. So we feel like we need to have our wits about us. We feel like if we really get ourselves tired and then sleep on the plane, we'll be all fresh and ready to go. Right. Yeah.

Fascinating. We're not doing the same flight to Melbourne. Oh my God, announcement. Parish announcement. Parrish announcement. Guess what? I can officially say I'm going to Melbourne Comedy Festival. Pugh, pew, pew, pew.

And the tickets are on sale If you're listening to this on Wednesday They go on sale this in Britain Why would you... Well, it'll be weird Oh well Anyway, they go on sale tonight In our time zone

At 11pm Tomorrow, Thursday that is In Australia at 10am I think that's what time Would they be going on sale? Tickets are available now That's what I'm saying to you That's what I'm saying to you

And I'm so excited What time's your show in Melbourne? I don't know anything I don't know anything I just said lovely I'll see you there Can I, do I have to bring my own sun cream? And they said, yeah, obviously.

And I said, can I have a flight that Helen's not getting? No, because it's my birthday the day I'm flying. I actually would love if we were flying together. Are you flying via Perth? Mm-mm. I'm doing, I think, a Dubai stop. Because they've got a really good McDonald's menu there. They actually do.

No, they do. I did that last time. They do. Is that why you chose it? Well, I got sent some flight options. No, but they do. Can I tell you they don't like if you do, yoga in the prayer room.

Are you joking? I just heard that you shouldn't. You've got to be kidding. I heard that you shouldn't. I haven't done it, but I maybe once considered it and then was advised that that would not be wise. Yeah, you were advised correctly. I agree. I love it when I am more aware of stuff for you.

That would be such a shocking idea. It said a multi-phase. Yoga's not a faith. It's an exercise. Good posture is my religion. I want, wait, but we, when are you landing? The 26th? 25th.

Oh, so I'm going to be after you. I don't think we're in the same hotels though, which is a shame. But that's nice because we can come for sleepovers at each other's homes. I actually think I'm going to be quite scared because I'm staying alone and I haven't done that in ages, so can we have sleepovers? Yeah, we can have sleepovers?

But you actually have to shower a bed with me. I will. I will, I will. You really will. Yeah, because it's like... Even if I'm in like a gassy phase and I'm like a bit sweaty. Also, all. Oh, my God.

I'll tell you another reason I'm not sleeping very well. You're forcing you're going to stay awake. But also, because of it being a new year, I've decided I'm going to be hairless this year. Why? Because you know, when you're like, it's that like weird the gooch period in between Christmas and New Year's

and you're just sort of like online, right? And like, I completely fell for IPL hair removers. Like, hook, wine and sinker. Yeah, 135 pounds. A hundred and thirty-five. A hundred and thirty-thirty. buy pounds. Do you like Google it?

Does I read the reviews? No, the advert was pretty. And it's pink. I chose a pink one. I was like, this would be amazing. But Helen, we ask people for their money. You can't keep telling them that you're spending on an absolute challenge. And you must keep giving it.

You must, because I have to buy now so many razors and moisturiser. Because basically, you have to use it. It says once a week, but twice a week if you're keen, and I'm keen. Okay. So you have to shave very closely. So you exfoliate. Sorry, our guest is just texting me. that's why I'm on the phone.

I don't mean to be rude at all. Because you don't respect my hair removal process. Oh shit, it's 130 already. What's the process? Tell me the process quickly. Okay, you shave. No, exfoliate before you shave. Are you supposed to?

I've literally just Googled this for the first time. Helen, I don't, I've never used an IPL thing. So you exfoliate shave. And then you get out the IPL machine and you have to like, and it blasts light on your skin. And there's like, those are different settings, but I'm going like full blast. Does it hurt?

Like, it's a tiny little burn, but like, nothing like it's nothing compared to like a tattoo or anything no it doesn't smell a burn and then you go over everywhere but it's so tiny and i've got so much skin that like it's just constant like just it took me about an hour to do everything and that's not even including tummy like that's just underarms um face i've started shaving my face again to get um because you've got to because if you pluck it out does it work on blonde hairs though yeah that's one thing i'm finding out now that someone, yeah, someone else said it doesn't work on fair hair, so that might be a bit tricky. I, I've told you that. Yeah. I wrote a whole bit about it. Yeah. Well, I'm learning,

aren't I? I did it on my Apollo. I shared the bloody clip. You follow me on Instagram. It's good, I think. How many times are I can a person tell you the same thing? Some, done work and progresses together. I told you when it happened. Some people. It feels like you don't listen to me. I'm a kinesthetic learner. Is that my word? I learned by doing practically with my hands. I don't learn by listening. Is that, do you remember that time? Do you remember that time at school where it's like, are you a visual, audio or kinesthetic, kinesthetic, yeah, so I'm a kinesthetic learner, so I have to like make the mistake

physically. You think in a Catholic girl school, where nuns teach, they were asking us what kind of learner we were? No. No. No. We were bad girls and we were to be quiet and learn how to be good. The end. It's so sad, Catherine. We were told which learners we were. Wow. That's remarkable. But then, so, but then because of that, I'm shaving and then scarring. What it does it scars the root of your hair

so that nothing can grow out of it. Is it working? And then it says you need to be out, well it's something, I'm only like three times. Right. So, and I'm just shaving every two days and then do it again. Are you like to go there to the sun? Yeah, so I don't think I'm allowed to be in the sun, which is going to be tricky, I'm going to Mexico tomorrow, and it's 30 degrees. And I have to take it with me and do it

when I'm there. I don't think you should do it. No, but then, then there's a chance by the time we get to Australia, I'll be hairless apart from my head. Because I want hair from like, I'd say, cheekbone up. Yeah, I got you. Right? Yeah. And I want a bush.

Okay. But like at the moment I'm working with like if I'm wearing a swimsuit. Bikini line. Yeah. Is she wearing like, you know, like is she wearing a skirt? Like, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

Which is fine. Like I like skirts on women and I think like fairy skirts are like hot and sexy. It's just, it's got very pubic around my size. You want to be able to choose when. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's fair. I think that's totally fair. So I'm going to scar my legs to pieces.

And also skirt. it's sure, score it less so, you know? Exactly. So I do get it. What I'm saying is wait until we get to Australia, I'm going to be like a fucking seal. Wow, I can't wait. Yeah, it's going to be mad. Are we going to be spending a lot of time together in swimmer? I'm going to be swimming every day.

Are you? Yeah, I've decided. I'm going to be swimming every day. Good for you. I said that last time I went and I didn't. But like this time I'm definitely going to do it. Also, I bet you did lots of things last time you weren't planning on doing. And this time maybe spending my pedium in five days. Oh, I was going to say pissing in the corridor, but I guess you could just plan better this time. I know we have to

on our guest and I know that we covered 2004 but do you want to talk about New Year's that we just spent in the extras? Should we actually tell you to what we did? Because I'd still love to know. Extras. We'll do it in the extras. Okay, great, great. Guys, we have an amazing guest. Please, welcome to the show.

Joe Sutherland! Sorry. We haven't done this in a while. No, we haven't. Also, what I meant to say is, please welcome back to the show, Hogg's favourite, Joe Sutherland. Broom, broom, beep, beep, motherfuckers We're going on tour! Trusty hogs are going on the road.

Roadhogs is coming to you, provided that you live very specifically in, Manchester, Brighton, Edinburgh, Bristol. Dublin, Bristol, Leicester, or London. So, get your tickets. And we'll see you there. Trustyhugs.com, is it?

Vroom, v, beep, beep, beep, motherfucker. I will not apologize. You're my first 3D humans I've seen in a while. I guess he counts. He does, can't. Why have you been in your house for five days, please? I've been visited by the norovirus fairy. She's left now, so don't worry, don't worry.

Wait, the norovirus is that the one where you vomit and shit? You poor thing. Do you feel cleansed? I feel snatched. I hate that. Everyone says that. I hate that. I hate that for you. No, it's honestly, it's a loss of gains, though.

I don't know, not... Can I ask a personal question? Yeah? Do you go bucket to your toilet for vomit? Oh. I'm actually, I'm really afraid of vomiting. So I think on a subconscious level, I repress it, and it, like, just churns in my stomach.

And then a few days later, it's diarrhea. Yeah. My mom had a friend growing up like that. Can I say this has been a horrid start? My mom has a friend when she was growing up. He said, I never fart. I never fart. I just hold on.

Twitter and I hold on to it and then one day I'm up. What? Just one day for the entire day. I was like, she was such a fucking bitch. Like, well, that can't be how it works. No, and it's not. And this has been horrible. How, oh, come on.

Good morning. How are you? No, it's 1.30. We're comedians. It's the morning. It's the afternoon then. How are you other than? than that because that sounds awful.

I'm much better, thank you. Okay, fine. And I do understand your gains loss because you've explained them to me. And obviously you're in, Joe's in transition. I don't know if you know this, but he's transitioning from,

in my opinion, twink to... What are we saying? Long-term goal. Yeah. A wink is fun. Long-term goal, daddy. Daddy.

Okay, great. That's a 15-year plan. Right, got you guys. But, you know, you've got to lay foundations for this sort of thing. Yeah. What's the... And hey, a harrowing... A harrowing event made before you. So you never know.

It's crossed. No, no. Can we get some definitions for the people who aren't quite... Well, I don't know if you've noticed that Joe's gone from like... I know what a twink is. Joe Sutherland. No, he used to be a twink. That skinny little boy in his fur coats and now he's all jimba.

Twunk is the word of people. Twonk. Oh, twonk when they get thick. You're twonk. Did you know you were twonk? Well, it's what I'm... I wouldn't be so bold as to call myself that. Like a tree twunk.

No? No? What is he? Right. Let's all just calm down for a second. Like a tweed twon. Like a tree trunk. Yeah.

Said by Tweety Bird. Said by Tiny Tim. So a twonk is when a twink goes to the gym. Yeah, I suppose so. Oh, wait, before we do it, is this actual terms people are using? Because you know, I'm going to use this a conversation later, and then everyone's going to be like, fucking hell, I'm so thick. This is a genuine thing.

Yes, yeah, yeah. And I can quote you on that. Yeah, sure. Sick. So, and then how do you get to a daddy? Is it like a child? Or is that just a straight definition of daddy? That's, uh...

Paternity is a straight definition of daddy. I know that. I know that. I want you to know that. I do know that. You're talking more like hot older man. Yeah. Is a daddy.

Yeah. And then a hot, older, older man is a Zaddy. A Zaddy? No, disagree? No, a Zaddy? Well, I don't know. We're perhaps mixing up like pre and post-COVID definitions. As far as I knew pre-COVIDs when I was relevant,

a Zaddy was like upon the cusp of, of being, like, they were still young, but like, showing some sort of like ruggedness. But it was like, oh, but you're not like middle age. So like Tim Allen halfway through the same. Santa Claus film What a gorgeous laugh Only because I was Like quickly reviewing the scenes

Particularly you know when he's in the meeting And like he eyes up the cookies He's really trying to deny what's happening But then he eats about 12 at once And doesn't he grow a beard like in that day? Yeah Full white beard That's what I'm aiming for

I want to be sort of like Christine porcelain Porcelain Jimbrough until like the last night of being 49 and then boom Santa Claus That was such incredible recall on that film May I say

Wow well that was in there good to go That was a lonely child That was locked and loaded That was ready to go Sorry I grew up in Coventry I had a lot of time My head Well welcome

To you and your gains to the podcast Congratulations on your transitioning I'm currently going from Otter to Seal We just spoke about it in the intro I'm doing Hair removal, IPL, by myself at home. What's IPL? IPL. I don't look it up,

because that's what it says on the box. I don't know what it stands for. But what's in the box then? Pink, fit, machine that blast light at your skin so you lose hair. Oh, it's a home laser treatment. Don't look at the light, they say that on the box. Oh, my God. Don't look at it. Do not look at it, Helen?

Does it actually work? I don't know, yeah. I'm very itchy and red. Is that the sort of thing people wait years on the end? NHS. Wait, you can get laser on the N.H. Well, like, for, you know, gender reaffirming treatments.

Oh, okay, okay, okay, yeah. Really? I think it's less gender. It's $135. What? On rose skin company. No. It's fake.

We don't know yet. We do not know yet. I'm going to be, what are you transitioning at the moment, Catherine? From one to three three. Um, well, I am becoming a woman who's comfortable living in a house show.

Oh. You look so uncomfortable. You've become a liar. Yeah. It's so happy. It's so great. I love it. It's actually much better than I expected.

That's good. Thank you. We move on. Can I check then? So then because you're like, so when you first came on the podcast way back in the day, you were like full twink. But now you've gone all the way to like being a cruise star, which I've already spoken to Andrew about.

I can't say crew star. So Joe works on cruise ships, but cruising in the world of gay is looking for sex. Yeah, basically, yeah. Yeah. Well, okay. So you're not looking for sex on the ships. You're working on the ships. I'm only working like an hour a day.

But can you tell me, are these like, are these gay cruisers? Yeah. Can I go on one or is it like no straight females? Oh, no, no, very welcome. I'm doing it, Catherine. You know what would happen is you'll walk around. You'll be treated like an absolute celebrity. People will stop you to be like, oh my God, love your vibe.

love your outfit and then no more conversation they'll move on. I love this. And you can't sexually satisfy me so bye. No way. But you just get a walk around receiving compliments. And what like roots around the world have you done?

A few different bits of the Mediterranean and then in November I was in Asia. Very exciting. Yeah, that's great. And you just do a show in the evening and the rest of the time you're just like a passenger and a cruise ship.

Yeah. This is the best job in comedy. It's pretty great. It sounds amazing. I'm like, are they all gay men? Or are there any lesbians on? Yeah, there's a few. Oh my God, the most adorable lesbians you will find on these cruises.

Because more often than not, they have sampled the lesbian cruises and decided they were too boring. And so they come on the gay male ones. Even if they don't do the parties, there was this cute, cute couple who were on the one in Asia. And I would see them in the daytimes going on the daytime excursions, but I would never see them at night. And I was like, I wonder why they're even here then. But then one of my friends managed to sit with them on one of the buses and got chatting and found out their story. It was so adorable.

They'd known each other like since they're in their 20s. They were in this kind of like weird sex cult. And then they met after one of them had a partner, sadly lost a partner. And she was saying to her friends like, oh, I just really want a friend. You know, I want a new partner who's a bit like our friend. And so this gets to their friend. And she's like, why not have me? And she's like, yeah, okay.

And then they just go on these groups And they go to these gay boy cruises And how old are they? Like 60 Oh yeah And they go on gay boy cruises And do the like historical excursions during the day And then when all the boys put on their leather at night

They go night, night, we're going to bed Yeah they sort of get the restaurants themselves And then go to bed That's my dream I love that They just hear the Doddlies coming out And the wits and they're like We're going to get our puck of tea

And then dead in for an early night Good night But safe, these are safety fast boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so funny with that. It's such a dire reflection on lesbian culture that that's less boring. Than actually being, and I can see it. I can see the fucking sitting in circles kumbai-eye of the parties on the lesbian chrises.

And I don't want any part of it either, to be fair. I mean, I'm sure. We allege. We've not been on one. We don't know. But you know it's hyper competitive on like, there's like a sports day. There's a sports. Everything's too competitive.

Another story I heard. So this is third hand information. I'm obsessed with cruising. From a lesbian comic in the US who went on one for the first time. She'd not done one before and there was one day where two excursions were available. One was a trip to a beach club to go and enjoy the beach club, have some drinks, have some food. Another was a trip to clean the beach. Here we go.

Here we go. Get your bags, girls. Get your pickers in. Oh, you bought them with you. I hate us. And she chose the wrong one. So she very much got frozen out for the rest of the week. Because she didn't volunteer.

She didn't go, she didn't pay to go on the beach clean excursion. We are so annoying. That is so funny. But it's endless entertainment. Oh, God. That's so funny. I just honestly think cruising is the best thing in the world. I've only just got into it through vlogs.

Because I was watching Disney vlogs for like years. years and years. And then obviously, like, the Disney vloggers start panicking being like, we can't show Florida again, again, again. So they start doing Disney cruise lines. And now a lot of them, on the wish, the dream, the fantasy. And now the magic launching this year. I'm a big fan. But then P&O cruisers have opened back up and they've got the Iona based in Southampton, which is doing a lot of like Norwegian scandy ones. And I'm like, I think I'm meant to do this. I think I meant to be a cruise vlogger. Because it literally is all your food is there for you the buffet is like i mean correct me from wrong

there's just always a buffet uh do you know actually not quite it's so annoying because there will be hours of change over where it's like well between breakfast and lunchtime we have to change everything over and i'm like or you could just keep serving um i mean thank you very much for your hard work lovely chefs and hospitality people but sometimes i forget which time zone we're in yeah fair but don't they always have like a hot dog stand or like ice cream but if you're If you're dairy intolerant, it's not the easiest place always. Oh, here we go. Oh, no. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, well, my Disney vloggers are on, and Gary C is, who goes on a lot of Disney cruiser with Adam Hatton, but he takes a lactase tabler and goes, ooh, naughty. And I go, ah. But then you get all your meals provided for you. You're in a cabin that is tidied for you every single day, and the bed made. made up and then they arrive in beautiful different places

you don't have to plan or do any of that visa stuff because they do it all on the ship they stamp your passport when you got on and off and then they just sort of go do this this and this you can get on the buses and I'll take you there or you can just wander around or just stay on the ship you're describing this with such a sort of wonderful optimism and honestly to me

sounds like hell how what I'm hearing is somebody comes into my tiny room every day the entire hotel moves inexplicably you have to see people anytime you want to eat something, the menu is... No, they'll bring it to your room service. Yeah, but in your tiny moving cabin, your entire holiday is determined for you

and you have to be around everyone you've just worked in front of to entertain most of the time? True, but like the massive ones are so massive that actually you can walk around and meet people. Like, I've met people on like the last night parties where it's, you know, three in the morning, it's like, oh my God, we're having such a great time, such shame we didn't hang out earlier in the week. What, like, how have you enjoyed your vacation? I'm like, it's not my vacation. I'm working and they're like, what? I didn't even know there was comedy. Because it's a moving city. How dare you?

But still, maybe that's why we're making out. Yes, fair enough. Fair enough. This is so magical. How many people are on the big ships? They do these really massive ones in Mexico which I haven't been on, which are like nearly 6,000 or something. That's mental. That's fleet.

That's way too many things. I think that one is too many. That's way too many people. Is that the one? I've seen videos of like the biggest cruise ships in the world, like compilation videos on YouTube. I'm still very single. None of these people grow up watching the Titanic.

I just think that's not for me. No, but the Titanic was very different. These boats aren't built an island, Catherine. Also, this is it. It was working when it left. That deserves our shores. Come on, that was brilliant. Andrew M in the air, brilliant.

I'm joking. It was Northern Ireland. It's not technically yours. That's our bad, isn't it? Yeah, we've outsourced it to Holland now. Thank God. You're a piece of shit. But they have enough life boats now on chippies, don't they?

See, that's the only thing I don't want to hear about my hotel. There are enough lifeboats to get you out of the hotel. I don't know if there are enough, because sometimes I'll do a walk around and be like, I've seen six. But then I don't know if that's. That's because they have like six show ones, you know, six like good ones. The prettiest life both at the front.

And then maybe there are just like, you know, inflatable Argos stingies. There are. They just kind of chuck out if something actually happens. And then you're like, why are you not dislodging the re? And they're like, no, no, no, that's just, that's for show. That's for the crew. You should blow them up with your mouth. I'd quite like though.

I mean, I should just shouldn't say this because I'm going on a long haul flight tomorrow. But you know we're like on the aeroplane when they're doing that safety video. And then like they've got the rafts. that they go out but then one of them is just the slide that just detaches and you just hold on it's like that can't be right it's an inflatable door it's an inflatable slide and then let's go of the plane as it's being dragged under water and it's like you're on a slide for a week like good luck that just never felt good for me yeah wow that is terrifying right that's messed up super comforting but joe how are you have you been how was christmas

It was fine Great, great, that level of enthusiasm What did you do for? That's high for me Yeah, okay, what did you do for New Year's? New Year's, I went to this pub in Limehouse in the East End Which is sort of, I don't know how to describe it

It's like old school East End Call the Midwife Gay pub though But it's hard So it's like, it's both that And so it has like the Oldest Read Offensive of drag, you can hope to find in London.

And they sell like ham sandwiches. Gross. Did you have a nice time? I did. Read, kind of? No, yeah, I did. Okay, wow. The cratrons used to go cruising.

Probably. Yeah, there you go, Andrea. I used it correctly. Pretty cool to use that term. Wow. Reggie, no and puffter. No. Yeah.

Yeah. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. I never think of criminals being gay. I honestly never do. I never think of them being gay.

Oh my God, usually it's the reason they're doing it. Really? What to prove their manhood? Well, I don't know. It's like, my top five gay criminals, go. Reggie Gray. Go on. They're not gay.

Go on. Reggie Cray, Ronald Reagan. Ronald wrote the president. of the US. What did you do illegal? Oh my God. Being the president. Are you kidding?

Obviously, you do bad things. Yeah. Wasn't he married to someone called Nancy? Yeah, the throat goat. What's throat goat? Nancy was so renowned for her dick suck in abilities. Huh?

She was the original throat goat. Okay. Where are you getting this intel? Is it from the drag queens in popular? or wherever the fuck I was. I listened to the rest of history podcast and I've never had their set on it.

Nancy Regan was the original throat goat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was about to be like, my history, she didn't ever said this but I guess she wouldn't. Okay, amazing. So, so he was gay, which is a shame. Well, I'm just like throwing things out there.

Okay, so you're just guessing. Yeah. I love the phrase throat goes. What's he going to do? No, you're right. You're so right. Is he dead? He died.

Is he? Is he? Sure. Oh, when? of AIDS. What was it? Was it? That would be

just comeuppance really. Let me see Ronald Reagan died in 1980. Oh no 2004.

I thought it was recent. That is really recent this year because Catherine thought it was this year. I was like welcome to

2004. Oh, 20204. This is when we asked Joe, what happened to you in 2004? Yeah,

what happened for you my love? We were 16. I think that's one of the Oh. Are we the same age? No, you're probably younger than me. I'm 35.

Yeah, I'm, okay. I'm 42. Okay. Okay. Go on. Well, no, this is, again, I'm close to transitioning to thinking that, like, maybe I'm going to start aging up. So that everyone says you look amazing. Oh, my God, you look so good.

You know when people, like, if you're like, yeah, I just had a baby. You both look 21. What are you talking about? Thank you so much. In our hometowns. Yeah. That's so true. You could easily both pass for master's students who are not mature students.

That means the world. I do get asked for student ID recently. Where? I do get it. Joe. No, but why specifically student is what I mean. It was a discount in like in BT2 in, oh you don't know about, okay. In Dublin, there's a shop that's the equivalent of like, I guess.

Boots. Selfridges. Oh. Okay. And they'll ask you sometimes for a student. ID. Nice. That's got to feel really nice.

I meant the world. Even when I was 18, I wasn't asked for student ID. They could just tell I hadn't got it. They knew I hadn't got in. Like, they just knew. It wasn't a bad age. It was about purpose. There was no way that I was studying.

Do you have a B-Tex certificate? Yes. Fine. So 2004, where were you? What were you doing? Apart from Morning Reagan. Is that one? what was happening

so are you year 11 war on terror is that 2003 uh um I don't know there's a whole period around there which I've quite purposefully like blurred good for you good for you I lost two years to Sims so I get it

it's like it's just like I genuinely like didn't I went to school I'd come home I'd log onto the computer and it was just Sims to the point where I was living and that three times fast forward function on it because I could still line up all their activities and it'd be fine.

That's how good I was at it. Which was your favourite expansion pack? House party because of the inflatable furniture. Thank you for asking. You? I wanted it to be the magic one, but it was actually quite boring. So actually I liked the date one

because you got to build the little town. Hot day, hot day, yeah. Because it was a middle ground. Like Sim City too overwhelming. At times the Sim. too suburban. So hot date was like this nice middle ground. SimCity, I thought people

played that was psychopaths. Like, oh, like, it's not good enough for you just being in charge of like a family's lives and all of their decisions. You have to run a city. I say that, but my, like, auntie's husband's sister. Here we go. Got addicted to playing SimCity.

And then quit her job. Retrained became a town planner. Whoa. No, that does not actually happen. That's a beautiful story. If it happened, If it happened, that's really beautiful. That's like me playing too much zoo tycoon

and becoming an elephant breeding specialist. There's time. There is. I would genuinely love that for me. Elephant breeding specialist. I'd be so good at it because there's such a... I know I've told you about this before. There's such problem with chlamydia amongst the little elephant population in zoos.

Like, all of the little baby elephants have the clap. Why is it specifically in zoos? I don't know. I don't know. But they've all got chlamydia. And like, they keep like baby... the Chester Zoo, all the little baby elephants there of chlamydia. Like, it's just a nightmare for everyone. I think itchy, isn't it?

I don't know. That's why I was asking. Oh, I wouldn't know either. Oh, right. I wouldn't know. No, severe itching and stuff. What kind, because we're going to do a problem from the listeners. What kind of advice giver would you say you are?

And we are a good friend, so I'm desperate to know what you think of yourself in this regard. What kind of advice giver do you think of yourself as? Um, god, it depends on the recipient because actually, if I'm emotionally invested in the result, I'll be very sensitive and very careful. Um, if I'm not going to see the consequences, reckless. Yeah. So can we just say from that answer? He's an honest giver.

Like, it's just going to be honest. I actually think that you're very, um, genuinely like, thoughtful. You will also do a thing that I do sometimes find a little annoying because you always want to consider where the other person's coming. from which I find very annoying sometimes I'll be like yeah okay okay hmm okay I'm trying to figure out you'll you'll ponder

I do think you give a time and ponder and you'll think about what they what they could what the nicest reading of their behaviour could be and I'm just like it is a sickness I'm in better help for a reason yeah yeah it's just like not why you go to like a sharp-tongued gay man it just feels like false advertising

you know what I mean that's loose Come on. It's just a level of sensitivity I don't, I don't want to. I'm sorry. Can't you quickly check? Are you actually using better help? Yeah.

I thought that was an advert, not real thing. Yeah. That's amazing. Is it good? Well, I guess it depends on who you get. Yeah, that's the thing, isn't it? Same as normal therapy. Is he in the UK?

Yep. Okay, wow. Cool. Good for you. Thanks. Andrew, we'll take a problem now for the sharp-tongued gay people. Who's going to be annoyingly nice about it all? Watch this Just a clarification

Elephants have herpes Not chlamydia Oh herpes I'd like to apologise To the elephant community Okay Yeah itching They've never have forgotten

Go on That was good stuff That was good stuff This is a friend Breakup problem from B Hi B They say hi hogs Love the show

And feel like I truly do trust you all To give some good advice Oh nice Don't laugh at that Because they didn't know who was going to be the guest But you've been on before I know But they didn't know

The subject is F-A-O Joe Sutherland Right? Shut up No It's so sweet Shut up So there's a bit of background That B's old best friend

Moved to the same country as me After years of trying to Which should be great news Now living in the same country as a best friend I'm already lost Okay So B has a best friend Yeah

Finally moved into the same country as them Okay, great. They've reconnected geographically. Great. However, her friend then fell out with their partner. So the B's partner and their old best friend are fallen out. They've not spoken in years. Best friend, partner, no longer friend.

Yes. Slay. And they, B, unfortunately, went through a traumatic event and told their friend and their friend didn't really reach out. So they started to ghost and distance themselves from B. because I couldn't bear confronting them and I just had a lot on. I got a new... Hang on, sorry. Is B the friend or is B the protagonist?

B's the protagonist. So B starts to ghost the friend. Yes, we'll call the friend F for clarity. Fantastic. So they've got a lot going on. B's distancing because F didn't reach out. Yeah, and it's also falling out with a partner, all sorts of stuff. However, B then gets an exciting new job. How exciting.

But F makes weird jealous comments via text and it felt like they couldn't be happy for me. I decided I'd only meet them if they made plans and despite constantly saying we need to do something they obviously never followed through I've done that before you're like yeah no 100% Fast forward a month or so ago

I realised they had soft blocked me on Instagram What's soft blocking? I believe it's where you like hide stories and stuff like that so you don't unfollow So now F is starting to block them yeah so actually but I thought it was B who was initially doing the ghost yes yeah so this I suppose this is all part of the complications but so F is also

started doing distancing by like soft blocking and stuff like that I wished them a happy birthday B wished F a happy birthday and said that they'd still like to meet up and be friends F sent back a genuine response which felt hopeful but obviously they didn't reach out for B's birthday they're all very distant now, all falling apart. However, now F has started being very petty,

it started turning up at places where B is with new friends, very loudly laughing and talking with the new friends and disturbing B without ever addressing B. So obviously they live quite close to each other. F doesn't, B doesn't know what to do. B doesn't think there is a salvage rule, relationship after such a childish and nasty move. F doesn't,

obviously doesn't respect me. I don't know what will resolve this for me. Do I confront them? Is there any point if I don't really want to be friends anyway? How do I get over a friendship that's probably rooted in nostalgia rather than similarity? Is it good riddance or should I push for closure? So that's the main point. There's lots of back story.

Oh my God. Okay, yeah. So number one, terrible friends for each other. No. Not compatible friends. But like, that's a really interesting. I was thinking at the end you were going to ask like, oh, should, like, how do we move on from this? And I was thinking, like, how do I say, like, just don't move on from it? Like, this is just not a good friendship. But then the fact that you're like, do I need to, like, how do I close this chapter?

I've only done this with one friend where you've had to, like, move on. It's so hard. Which, what way did that go, like, did you end the friendship by going and having the conversation? I tried to have a conversation with them about, like, how they'd hurt me and some of the things they'd done, like, made me really upset, which then sort of, like, was denied on their. part we just had like very different like understandings of things so then sort of like I tried to forget about it and we like started again and then they just did the same like mean things and then that sort of was a pattern for a couple of years and now I'm just like okay no I'm good now but like I talked about it in therapy like this is just a friendship but like they know that the friendship's

over they must do okay but you never expressly said so no not this time because I just I didn't want to go through the same thing and it also been made clear to me that someone else had tried to talk to them and then like had the same thing and I was like okay that's just the pattern that they have so what do you think be should do but it depends on you like are you able to genuinely like it took me years to do it because I felt so guilty that I was like being a bad friend to them or like you do you know what I mean like it's really it is really difficult but like depends on you personally doesn't it like are you someone who can just be like because you've you've said before like closure for you is important right no I listen I'm

pro the slow step away. Yeah. But I have found it very ineffective. I don't know what it is, but maybe like I give a lot to my friendship, so I do. People maybe notice when I'm like eke, eke, eking out. Yeah. But

I have found it ineffective and so I have been, I feel, forced in a situation once where I had to be like, hey, I can't be a friend. And it was hell of awkward. I mean on the bright side it was like nice when it was done

because then it was just done It wasn't easy It's horrible It's absolutely horrible So I don't know what you guys get out of it If you just go in and do a Like it could just lead to more conflict Is all I'm saying

It's very therapy speak But it's boundary setting isn't it What do you think Joe? Here we go It certainly sounds like she They Whoever this person is B

B needs some closure for their own sake. I think that's true. They need some way of moving on. But it sounds like, you know, trying to communicate softly, softly isn't working. Like, how do you ghost a ghost? Like, you're already pulling away from someone

who's been pulling away from you. Yeah. So that's where I would feel tempted to like, bring drama. Like, nothing sets a boundary like drama. Okay. Go on.

Like, post a story that's, even though we're now too deep into January, post an in-out list. Right, it's a Christian. Here we go. Yeah, yeah. And have, like, loads of really positive inns for yourself. Like, you know, like manifesting my own joy and...

I've actually been doing that. Walking my own path. Okay. And, you know, eating, praying, loving. And then on that, the out, just their name. And it's public, everyone can see it. In fact, they're tagged.

Make it terrible. Make it terrible as well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy, Deb. What they've already been doing hasn't been working. But also, it's so clear, what a boundary set. No one's crossing that. It was so close to good advice.

And here's what I am going to glean from it. I think you're right. I think actually based on how much detail B has gone into, you sound like you need closure. and I think it would definitely be a much nicer way to live if you're going to live near each other if every single time you run into each other isn't a hideous worry.

Therefore, I think not necessarily bringing drama but bringing, like making it acknowledging what's happening might actually permit a conversation that's like, hey, why don't you send a text that's like, hi, our relationship's gotten weird and tense as I'm sure you know. I don't want to open it all up again or necessarily get embroiled with one another,

What I would like, but what I would like to do is meet and talk if you'd like to so that we can maybe have a healthier end to our friendship. But happen to that person manages to like wheedle into their brain and make them they don't want to end the relationship. I think what I was getting at is like you can perhaps there's a way of doing this in like rhetorical communication. Like you can set your boundary and not need them to respond. Say more.

Well, okay, it doesn't have to be a catty Instagram story, but it can be. sending them a text just saying like hi you're right the relationship has got have a good life um i'm going to be moving on now and just kind of like leaving something like that or you know send a letter something like that's just very much like this is what i'm feeling and so for myself i am doing this i wish you the best but that is tricky i fake a brain injury um that that suggests that you have no memory of your entire friendship um so then and then they'll be like oh my god like what do we do now they're showing you pictures and you're going no memory, no memory.

I don't know her. I don't know, no, no, no, no. I just don't know. And then when they say like, oh, like, well, I'd like to hang out and they go, like, I don't know you and I don't feel safe. And then you say that. And once you bring safety into it, no one can argue. And then that's it.

You're fresh starting. But you do have to really stick to that brain thing and like, you might have to like stage an accident. But don't actually injure your brain because that's awful. People go through all over time with it. Yeah, it's not good. No. of both of your fucking invoice.

Well it's tricky. They live close to each other. How is it in-outlist to the best that I do? Next problem please, Andrews. Better luck be. Joe, thank you so much for coming on. Again. Yeah, you really are a joy.

I have... I try. Can you come see us in 2025? Okay. Thank you. So nice. It's got to be so nice. Oh, my look.

How hench you're going to be. How twunk. like an oak twee twonk oak oak oh an ash redwood twi twonk redwood okay redwood is the long term goal redwood's the tree that you can drive through

you're going to have to eat like whole chicken I know I'm going to have to read it's so bad we've all got to stop eating meat I watch a documentary on it I'm going to start I'm going to start just now. Over Christmas. But Joe, where can the...

It's called Door of the Nugget. Shikkim onto Door of the Nugget. It's awful. I loved the distance between the initial setup and the punchline, which does tell me

that you only thought of it just then but the delivery with Sunkinvection. I watched a documentary on it. It's called Dora of the Nugget. I have a slow work

sometimes. Joe, where can people come and see you, please? Where can people check out your arms, say? Well, Instagram, for one, at Joe Modity, J-O-M-O-D-I-T-Y. Thank you. Joe puts up really good videos of a stand-up, so please enjoy.

It's just lots of very much. Genuinely so good. Thank you. And well-made. You can tell the man has worked in video editing. Video editing. Goodness, that's a hard word to say. And then I guess I have a website, but who's really doing those?

Do you have tour dates, people to come see? No, it's in the works. Let's just say, look ahead towards the end of 2024 and throughout 2025. You know what, that's the easiest plug ever. You have to follow Joe, fall in love even more, and then when the tickets come and sell, just jump. And how many gym selfies do you put up? Not enough. Yeah.

Yeah. So that's a little note for you. Yeah. So that's something to think. it for you. That's because you're a branch transitioning into a twee. That's so hard. Is that not right? No, but like a big branch.

A big boy branch. What's in between branch and trunk? Stop it. Stop it. A sap? No. No. No. A big branch. A log. You're a log. A log. A log. Yeah, she screams. People jump in that chair so often. I'm just so used to it.

But I can't. He's having a nice time. Thank you so much, show. Joe Sutherland, everybody! Helen, huge news. Is the executive lounge feeling a little fuller to you today? Is it? Probably, because we've got another execraiser.

Yay! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you to Simon Moore, Guy Goodman, Mary Fox, Annie Turner, Sarah Deacon, Oliver Jago, Anthony Connoe, Matthew Thomas, Madeline, Quinn, and our new arrival, Grace O'Reilly. Is that Irish? That's got to be.

Surely. Religious first name. I don't know. No mind if we do. Hey, thanks so much for joining us, and thank you for all your support. We genuinely couldn't do it without you. How do you say, I thank you again?

Girth Mahogah. Gurds Mahogas. Gareth Mahogas. Nope. Got further away. But that, thank you. Thank you. And then also to our producers

and the producer lounge. We got Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bowled, Sadie Cashmore, Zoe, Rachel Page, Helen A, Abby Warfleuk, Bright, Kate. Oh my God, do I needy glass. No, we can't do this now. Dean Mitchell, Anthony, Sophie Chivers,

Kerry Sooth, Carrie Soothie, Victoria Hutchinson. Please, everyone, please, please, please, let me try. Becky Fox, Tim and Dom, Ria Fink, Cordelia, Amy O'Reardon, Matt Sims, Tristan, Tass,

Stephanie Katletya, Charlie A, KC, Haley Worf, Worf, Clare Owen Jones, Harold Van Dyke, which always makes me smile. David Walker, Jess and Nick, Rachel R. Neil Redman, Sarah Marley, Tina, Lindsay, Guay or not. Leah Overend. Overend.

There's a joke in that. I'll think about it. Liz Ford, like over and like, yeah. Something with like an ass, maybe. Or a boat. We'll work it. I'm sure she's never heard it before and definitely gives us her money so that we'll mock her like she was in school. Leah, let us know if you've got a good one for us.

Chloe, Emily G and Goza. Shut the fuck up. Goza, is that like short for Godzilla? No. That can't be. He's just got a film out. He's busy. He's not listening to podcast.

But maybe he's flush and he wants to spend it on his favourite podcast. Goza. Okay, is Goza, are we thinking like a really fun non-binary person or a lad from Essex who's got a nickname from school that they've never got rid of. And madly into us.

I yeah, you're right. I'm Gozhe. Don't ask why. oh my gosh so fun thank you all so much for supporting the podcast we really couldn't do without you thank you thank you thank you and remember that yes i struggled with the names today but that's because um we're we've had a break yeah happy new year if you're thinking of ways to spend your money that might help people in the arts then please support our podcast on patreon and also you can give very little you can give three quitted months you can give five quid a month but you get regardless of however much you give you get access to the 160 extra episodes that are on on there. There's a whole back catalogue. Why not get in there? There is so many extras. We'd love to have you. We'd love to have you. It's actually.

What?