Trusty Hogs - Ep117. ALLYSON JUNE SMITH / Manifesting, Marriage and Making Friends

Episode Date: January 18, 2024

A riotously fun episode this week with a Canadian British comedy circuit favourite, the exuberant and hilarious Allyson June Smith! We sort some listener problems right out, manifest our best lives, and divide up the podcast assets in case of Helen's demise...FOLLOW ALLYSON: @AllysonJSTOUR TICKETS: trustyhogs.com/tourThank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Deakin / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew Thomas / Madeline Quinne / Grace O'ReillyPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Emily Gee / Dean Michael / Stefanie Catracchia / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Hayley Worf / GozzaWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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apologize. Hello, it's episode 117 of trusty hogs, and theoretically, Helen Bauer is currently sprawled on a beach in Mexico, about which I'm fucking furious. Don't talk, I'm still talking. And we are going to pretend like it's not something that we pre-recorded and yet

it is. So here's the thing. She's in Mexico. Buenos dea. A whale of a time. And I am not. I'm in cold, fucking London with you. Sorry, just want you to know.

I'm on your team. I see you. I hope you're okay. Now holiday vibes. In you come. Buenos days. How are you? Very well. Um, I'm, I'm going to, you're going to give me your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests. Andrew White on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hugs Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not You're on holiday right now

I'm so jealous, I'm so jealous I bet you're gonna be having the best time Honestly, have you made lots of plans for it Yes, I actually Like, you know when you like make busy work Where you've actually got work to do But you're just like, I'm gonna create these jobs Your whole life is busy work

Why did I ask you that? Yeah, I was like Yeah I need a colour car or nothing will ever happen. This morning I made a grid of my to-do list. A grid. Just do one thing off your fucking to-do list.

I'll put it in a different format. The way it is right now is the issue. Who will and who? What? There's a health section. Health. Health. I'm waiting to hear from an E&T specialist.

That's not on my to-do list. About ear nose and throat? Is that to do with a sausage? The sausage was me, but like, are you worried about it? Did you just get confused between which of us had a sausage? No, it didn't spook me. My point is, it's crazy to have a health. The second, it's mad that you just thought

that I had a sausage in my nose and that happened to you. But maybe I spooked you enough. No, no, no, no, I've got my own stuff going on, actually. I have a life when we're not together. Do you know that? I find it really hard to accept that. In my head, I feel like when you think

when you walk out of the room, I just freeze. Oh. No, I'm doing stuff the whole time. I know you're like washing and things. Yeah, of course. And seeing people. Changing your hair. Yeah.

Well, I mean, I don't change my other. By the way, don't you think I've finally figured out what the fuck's going on with this curl situation? I, always, like, your hair always looks immaculate. No, you're nice. I'm not, honestly, but I feel like I finally figured it out. I'm like, it still looks perfect.

No, but there's this girl called Curly Karen, I think, or wavy Karen. And she's a red head with red hair, with red hair, with her hair, of course she is. And it's an unfortunate name, obviously, culturally, as we speak, but girls' videos on how, it doesn't matter what product you're using, my love, it matters how you're using it. Anyway, I feel like I finally nailed it. That's my news. I know you're going on holiday.

Let's hear more about Mexico. Oh, the food's going to be so nice. I'm going to do that. Like when, oh my God. Helen, what if you die in Mexico or on the flight back? I hope you don't, fingers crossed. What the fuck is this? But I hope you don't, obviously.

But if you do, one, can I have your money? And two, and can I have your money? And three. If anyone who can't pick that up, that's can I have your money. And three, can I, though. And four, though, and what do we do with Vodcast? if I die? Yeah, is it okay if I...

Do I not want to get to do a quick morning period quickly on the point? Like, just give me a minute. So you're saying, your question is, not like, have you booked him for the Frida Carlo House? What food are you most excited to try? No, are you ready to get away

and get some vitamin D? No, but that is on my list. That is on my list. I use a Vanty, it's very quick to do a Vanty on the website. Yes, what's, no, what? That's a travel insurance provider. I use the Merecats. Fine.

Yeah. Fine. So, I know I need to get travel insurance but you just need to get that before you get on the flight that's fine and then um you don't want to know any of that you just want to know if i die on flight well just if you die well you're away what would you want me to do with the podcast obviously i'd have an episode dedicated to you but so yeah i would like a but i died in a plane crash i just don't want to pivot into one of those like investigative pieces where i have to talk about you every single week no it also we'll know why

i die like there's like if it like if i've eaten something or like i put a tablet in the wrong hole or something like we'd all be like oh yeah oh she choked on us all said it's a shock it didn't happen earlier yeah yeah it's a miracle she made it to 32 like that sort of stuff but like I would like I mean do you not think like an episode dedicated to me in like a month of silence like a period of morning a month of silence a period of morning any way to honor Helen Bauer so I agree what she'd have wanted is for everyone to contribute to the Patreon no okay if I die and Catherine or Andrew plug Patreon in my in a memorial episode I am telling you now to leave this podcast She wanted nice flowers.

Imagine that Patreon split two ways. Oh. You fucks. Also, because anyone's wondering, they're maniacally laughing to the point that Andrew's eyes aren't even opening fully. So I've died on a plane crash. You split the patron two ways immediately.

It's at your first port-fought. My body's in the media triangle. Are we going to try and get that home? Oh, come on. They're not going to be able to get that home. And my money's going to the seal sanctuary in Cornwall. No. No, it's not.

It is. My little sister is in charge of every penny I've ever run and she can give her all to the seals that she wants. Is she actually? Them and the monkeys

that are from the L'Oreal factory. Let's talk it through. I don't have a will. Why would I know? I don't have a will? Do you have a will? Of course I have a will. You're 35, you have a will?

Of course I have a will. With a lawyer and everything? By my financial advisor? It's how I got my pension. We're self-employed. You're saying that like I'm the freak here for not having one. You're saying it like I'm the freak.

We are self-abloid. employed. I know that. Not very successful. No, of course. But that's why I had to get some, I had to ask somebody about a pension and while I was there he was like, do you want a will? And I was like, yeah. But not to be this person, but you hire financial advisor. Do you pay them? No, God, no. You only pay them if you're actually using services that cost money. So I paid to have my will certified or whatever the word is signed by, but can't you just buy a pack in like the post office about your will?

Absolutely. You can do it through the co-op. You can do it through British Heart Foundation. You can totally do it online. Can't you just like write it on a piece of paper, I swear I've seen films, right? I don't know if that's binding. Oh, if I put blood on it or something. I don't know if that's... If I write it in blood. I feel like I've seen that in the film.

Yeah. Yeah. I think sometimes people get wills written up. I don't think that's like crazy bougie to be like... Do you not think that'd be a really fun premise for a film? Like, a woman writes her own will, but she doesn't know, she doesn't want to pay the legal fees. She writes in her own blood, but she bleeds out and dies halfway through it before she gets to

finish writing the name. So you just see the first initial and they've got to figure out who it is. Is it a film? I'd say that's a film. It's a film? It feels like a sketch. It feels like a HBO, like long form document. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, sorry to say it. Sorry to say it. When did you write your will? That feels very morbid. During lockdown, probably. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You were going through a bit of a morbid place.

I was having a whole thing. Yeah, you really were. Yeah. So when we were doing Giglis, you'd like done your will maybe that day. And then he'd go online and go, what's it? But I mean, when we were doing Giglis, I was having, like, the biggest breakup I've had in my lifetime. I'd spend the entire day weeping and then be like,

hey, hey, how you doing? Yeah, like, obviously, yeah. I was going... So you've done, like, um, assets, or is it just money? I don't have any assets. You're about to say, acid. Boy, what, that nice drinks cabinet you've got. They don't get into, like...

Your dressing table. Your petty little bits. They don't get into that. They only get into, like, property. At the level that I'm doing it, they're not getting into all that. I don't have enough of big enough assets for that to be. It's just like the money I'm saving towards a house deposit

who's like... going to. Who is it going to? No, it's not me, is it? Because I'm going to give it to the seals. Are you fucking, I would give you, I would give you some of mine if you, come on. No, do you want something for Catherine? Well, you know, what do you want?

Not thing for Catherine. I'll take Sunil. I'll take Sunil. Yeah, he's an investment portfolio in my opinion. Oh my God, yes, of course. Yeah, I'll take Sunil. You know, his business acumen, which by the way is not a man. It's like, it's a thing.

No, I know. I know. I just like that recently. Acumen. Yeah. I thought it was like an actuarial man, like an accounting man or something like that. An acumen. And you can get an acu woman. But it's an acumen. It's a different thing. Yeah. Yeah. I've forgotten the exact definition, but you can Google it.

Catherine, just to go back to what you're saying, I would like a memorial podcast, a monthly silence. No. And then I guess you could find a co-host, but I'd imagine it'd be too hard for you to come in here. Like, there's like pictures of me everywhere, like memories of me. I know Andrew wouldn't want to keep going. Sorry, just thought about who I'd get as a co-host. Sorry, I got lost. Go on. I genuinely want to know.

It'd be funny to go back to the OG gigless line. You are fucking mental. There's so much context to that that I'm not even going to give. Are they free? I'm not even going to give it. You have to be there from the beginning of our online gig during lockdown to even get that reference. I, you can have a co-host, but you have to wait a month. but you have to wait a month

and also like we have to maybe a Trusty Hogg's live event like a funeral sort of a thing Oh a live funeral I mean a quite I don't want like a massive funeral but like let's do like a memorial service

We could stream it Yeah and don't like don't book a whole line up Like what should I sing at the end You're singing Shouldn't I in honor? Oh my God yes I'd love that Simply the best between Turner probably Simply the best I could do that

I'll take my top off Amazing and Andrew Obviously I know him so well from chess musical you're doing both parts I think that's going to be quite sad but ideally you would be crying yeah

to do it with me yeah I want people to be sad I could just leave your bits in silence whilst I cry Andrew I've died in a plane crash no you have to do them and then when you cry too much I'll say things like grow up nice nice okay pull yourself together are you a man

come on Michael you could cry a bit imagine getting emasculated for not singing I know him so well strongly enough So the sort of things that can only happen at my memorial Yeah

Wait but you don't want me to die Do you want me to have a happy holiday No I don't I'm not gonna leave your money Of course not no No listen But if you die What am I do you want me

To keep going with a podcast I have no doubt that you would I don't think I'd want to That you would not get or need a co-host And it would be borderline the same podcast I have not thought about that it would make minimal difference and um

can I just hire in a redhead and no well you'd have Penelaby on loads to try to talk to me to try to talk to me we must get her in this year you'd be not having mediums in to try to talk to me and um

you know me better than I know myself yeah and you wouldn't stay for the whole funeral because those things bring you down they do yeah I find funeral's very upsetting they're very upsetting She's going to go for a cigarette. Yes.

Wow, that's creepy, actually. I did not realize I'd be doing that, but that's exactly what I would do. I'd miss you, though. Oh, listen, same. Don't cry. Oh, God. Don't cry.

Oh, my God, you did do therapy. Get it together. Don't cry. I won't, probably. Not right now. No, we've got so much to do together, and I love you so much. And I do think you're magic.

Same. Oh, my God. Maybe I should threaten you with my own deaths more often. You're so sweet now. Because you're beautiful. And everything you do is amazing. None of us die, okay? Okay, fine.

Okay. So, yeah, I'm going to Mexico. We haven't got the suitcase out yet. What? No, it's downstairs in a basement somewhere, but I need to put a neon sign down there so I can stop him over. It'll be fine.

Are you joking? No, because we've lost hat for basement, so it's just a bit of a nightmare at the moment. Huh? I got a hat with a light on the front of it, like a woolly hat. hat with the lights when you look around because we can't get light in the basement

but we lost basement hats we don't really know what to do at the moment okay do you want my packing list I have a packing list I keep on my phone just for all different types of holidays and if it's like winter sun weekend and then I love you but you are a freak I never forget anything

how would you have a packing list for Mexico you've never been okay but most sun holidays involve the same things do you actually have it on you right now yeah okay great can I see the packing list for a weekend comedy Club in the UK. Okay.

Winter edition. The weekends are pretty much the same. Where's my package? Let's hear it. Let's hear it. I cannot believe that someone would have this typed up on their phone. Not even Catherine. No, no.

This feels even more like, this feels too far for her. If someone said to me, who has a packing list pre-prepared on their phone? I go, Captain Beaup. Key's wallet, passport, phone. Laptop, laptop, laptop, charger, phone charger. Adaptors should it be out of the country. adapt as I need to remember that

write that down Andrew shall I go on yeah makeup makeup makeup remover exercise gear makeup remove I

always forget that one I'm not gonna wear makeup am I exercise gear okay swim suit swimsuit outfits to perform in

obviously there'd be a swimsuit if I was going abroad and if I was going abroad I'd also have SBF and after sun I'd also have antihistamines for heat rash. I'd also have

anti-bug stuff. Anti-sanity, I've got that. Catherine can just forward you this list. Oh yeah, you're right. Catherine, thank you. Yoga mat. If you say yoga mat, I'm going to walk out. Shampo conditioner, face wash.

Yeah. Toner moisturiser. Hair clips. Hair brush. Okay, okay. We're on holiday. We're having a break. Pants socks.

Don't you need any curl products? Any hair products if you're going away? Look, see, but water, sea water, just pearls a nice. It's really a living conditioner for the heat, so your hair doesn't get dried out. I sometimes forget to bring a spare pair of pants to a weekend

very gross Andrew that has never happened to me I wouldn't need the list to remember a spare pair of pants what's wrong with you? And always take an extra pair because all the times you shit yourself

and all right the amount of times I've packed like two extra pairs I'm like why am I doing this like I'm really not shitting myself like this and one time I got close to shit myself I pulled them down technically

like you know what I mean this made me feel the most straight man I've ever felt I sometimes just get in the car and go and I'm like oh fuck I'm staying away I forgot about that Oh, well.

What the fuck? I'll go to a prime marking and get some pencils. Toothbrush, toothpaste, retainer if you need one. Don't have a retainer. Medicines? Yes. For your mental health. Yes.

Actually, you'd be really proud of me. I am, oh, this is actually not funny. But, like, you know when like, so like I was like, oh shit, I don't have enough. My repeat prescription won't come in. But like I need to get them now because I'm going away for like 12 days. And it wasn't available. I've got like the NHS app set up for the repeat prescription. And it wasn't there.

So I was like, oh shit. So I called the doctors and I went, oh, like, it's not come up. Like, it's usually there. Maybe I need to talk to the doctor, but, like, I really need to get a hold of Vixam going away on Wednesday evening. And they were like, oh, okay, we'll get the pharmacist to call you back four five. I was like, great. Pharmacists called me up.

I'm trying to, like, have this phone. Obviously, you've got to discuss your mental health. As I'm doing that, I'm in a pub with Alison Spittle, Red Richardson and Sunil Patel. So I try and take the phone call outside. I go outside, Bobby Mayer's there going, hi, hi, Helen. I'm like, not now. And then they did that thing where, like, you know, you have to fill in questionnaires

to get repeat prescription sometimes about your mental health and it's like but it's all phrased within the last two weeks and it's like in the last two weeks you have it and it's like

and then when I got back on the phone with the pharmacist after filling it out I was like just to check you cannot get people to fill out this form two weeks after Christmas

like have you felt stressed or close to ending your life I'm in my family like everything is so much more extreme because all I'm doing is framing out this isn't really very funny it's fucked up

but the prescription is available now for pick up I'm going to get it tomorrow morning. Okay, ready? And Francis has bought Auntie San. Okay, good. Thank you.

You are going on a sun holiday, so may I add in a sun hat or a cap of any kind? Yes. Do you use anything? I get thigh rub in the heat. Do you use anything for that? No, my thighs don't rub together. I've got thigh gap. Okay.

What about a bag? Do you imagine I having thigh gap in 2024? A bag? I wear little shorts. A bag for when you go out for the... the day like not just a backpack but just like do you like bring a handbag or a bum bag or anything like that for evening? I have a bum bag yeah great doesn't put it on my bum put it between my teeth is it um is it all you can eat is it like buffet whatever no what one of the hotels is

yeah do you want to bring a little lunch box so you can bring your lunch for the day as well from the breakfast buffet I usually bring a little bit well that's the thing that makes total sense because they always do that but we're like only in like an all-inclusive for two days right at the end it just never hurts to have a lunchbox anyway because you might just bring stuff from the flat out for the day and it's just like I never think it's bad I took a lunchbox

yeah hair ties for when you're swimming do you need goggles of any variety yes I have I own goggles yeah jewelry for your nights out I have ear wings okay and then obviously like shoes socks pants

clothes for your trips and Bob's your uncle yeah you did not need to listen to that okay but it just means I never forget anything and also the things that matter are the ones that you didn't have not the ones that you do have

that's true actually and there was enough of them for me to be like yikes do you want to come over and pack for Mexico for me. No, I just told you what to pack. I got a hot pink swim suit. I bought it online either day. That sounds great. Where is it from?

It is really good. It's from Asos Curve, but it has no boobs support. It's like, sometimes they do like fat girl clothes for like, but they forget that lots of us have like massive tithers. So it's going to be like, I'm going to look like so cute and Barbie. But fuck me when I'm swimming, those boobs are going around my back. Just picture me doing breaststroke. One wave comes

and my tips just go, we're out. And luckily I'm just for Francis. So like, you know, they'll just come over and it's like tuck her back in underneath like oh i would just enjoy the show nipples out oh it's going to be so good i've booked for like so the day we land like obviously landing super early you've got to stay awake but like i've researched like neighborhoods to walk around like all these amazing markets like booked in for i think it's only two museums we had to book in advance i've booked those Frida Carlo and museum de Anthropologica just your books packed yes well i've got one and then i'm going to buy one at the airport

notebook and pens Because I always have a notebook and pen on me That would just be a given And then But things like shower gel They just have that in hotel

Oh yeah yeah You know And like After sun After sun I think it's a con Is it not a con Is it a con? It feels like it's

Moistiser just priced up a little bit You know what I mean? Not really I don't know Are you bringing moistur I've read the beauty myth So I see through all this bullshit I see through the bullshit

that the fucking society is even though I've been 131 pounds of IPI. I was going to say are we like are we going to go talk about the laser machine or are we good? I've got a couple of

luckily books from people who listen to the podcast. Gorgeous, how nice. What do you bring you to read? I'm taking with me one called Duck Soup or Duck Lane or something. Right, fabulous.

Thank you to the leaf press people. And another one which has got numbers in it. I'm reading burnt sugar at the moment and I really like it's a relationship between a mother daughter oh here we go depending on whose version of events you trust

the mother may or may not be losing her memory is the sense I'm getting from the book so far really good burnt sugar really oh I'll add that to my list and the first line is like incredibly searing and cutting and like unloving towards her mother and you're like okay this is a human person writing this rather than like it's just not a fanciful version of money

no I love that I love that like not the overly romanticised like your mum is your best friend at the end of it Strong recommend. Strong recommend. My best friend's my best friend. Okay, I'll check that out. And it's Gwyneth and Francis and Emma Black and Cap and Boehart. I'll take it.

I mean, I'm in there. I'm in there. I don't mean Emma right here. No, because you're, you know what? You can't win. You can't win in this life. There's always a gay person with a problem. It's a fucking nightmare.

Helen, if there weren't gay persons with problems, we wouldn't have a podcast. Big men. It's a. It's a fucking minefield. You're all my best friends. Everyone's my best friend, including my mother. Are you happy now? Let's bring on our guest. She's brilliant. She's so funny. You're going to love her. It's Alison June Smith. Fuck this. not. The first one begins the week commencing the 4th of March and the second one after a week's break

begins the week commencing the 18th of March. So early March, late March, where will I be? Soho Theatre, my loves, and I'd love to see you there. The tickets I haven't sold necessarily as fast as I like them too. But listen, there are some available and I'll be there doing my goddamn best with my new show. That's the debut of my new show. So please come.

I'd be thrilled having the audience. The show is called Again with Feelings. and the earlier you buy your tickets at Soho, the less expensive they are. Thank you so much. This is it. It's me, Helen Bauer, from Jersey Hawks. I just want to say.

I'm doing my show one last time in the UK at the Earth in Hackney in London on March 2nd. It's a double bill with Olga Cork. You can see both of us. You can see one of us. Come for the whole night. You've got like a little break in between us to go get some food.

It's going to be magical. It's going to be sexy. And I'd love to see you there. Thank you. Not to define a woman by her man. But sorry, you just walked in here with a rock on your hand. Excuse me, are you engaged, you little ingenue? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I got to engage. Look, Danny and I, Danny Sutcliffe, my boyfriend and comedian. I love that. You full-named your BF. And now, fiancé. Yeah, yeah, fiancé. It's so weird, because I'm so used to saying boyfriend. Because people used to be like, what are you going to say boyfriend forever?

I was like, yeah, because I am not fussed with marriage. I honestly, it was never something I've never day dreamed of like, the day in the dress. No, I genuinely not. And so we went together 10 years and he's like, well, do you want to announce? 10 years. Wait, hang on, 10, you can't just skip over the details. 10 years. When does he propose?

Like, September? He proposed. How'd you do it? Well, we were just in a house, and I'd come back, I think I had been away in Canada for a while, and I think I came back and he's like, oh, my God, I love you so much, so you're away. And so he was like, just got down on his knee and was like, will you marry me? And it was like, just a moment, and I was like, yeah. And then, like, it's interesting, because you don't think there's going to be, oh, it's so lame,

but, like, the thing is, I go, yeah, yes, yes, we're already married, but yes. I go, but let's not announce it until we're in a position where we're like, we can get a ring, because I got to tell you, it never dawned on me, but as a woman, the moment you say you're engaged, people just like, look at your hand, look at your hand. That is so true. I literally just did that. I never even thought of it until I was like,

oh, my God, I can't say I'm engaged and, oh, even though I don't believe in any of this really, but still. I love that you don't believe in it, but you've got a fuck off rock that is like, honestly, if you're listening to this, it's so funny to hear what she's saying, but look at the ring. I don't even believe in it, but if I'm going to believe in it, I'm going to believe in a fucking big time. It's literally the Diana.

Middleton ring without fucking around with the blue it's just full line. Thanks guys. Well I got it in Canada because the pound takes me further over there guys so I still got a deal it was on sale look at how romantic am I? So romantic. I'll be getting my own ring in a different country without you I'll send you the bill. Yeah I literally was like I found it he's

like okay I was like great done. I think that is so romantic and then I got back and then it was like okay let's wait we were just busy and I was you know gigging and tired and then I like back on New Year's after my gig and I was like wait my makeup's done my nails are done I was like should we do the announcement now and he's like

he just looked to me and goes you really stitched me up on this one didn't you? He's like can I at least change my shirt? I was like okay but hurry I'm ready we're losing the light we're losing the light I love this you got your nails done you're like it all just make sense to me right now

I know yeah I was like this is perfect that's so fun and you do like a big post like a collab post we just no I just did a we took a picture and I said we did a and I just put my hand up and then just left it at that and then very heterosexual of you, may I?

May I? We did a thing! We did a thing! Bam! Hand up! I wish one time somebody meant fingering. Or busting. That's always what it means really deep down at the side. That's what you earn it, right? Would you imagine

having shit all over your fingers and then the red of the head? I just said, there's a lot of diamonds guys. Like, it's been 10 years. Like, I got it. I earned it. We're very in love. That's so beautiful.

Finally, he got down on his knees, am I right? That's very nice. That's very nice. So I love you, babes, and I think that's nice. That's my first big public little chat. I love the idea that he might be listening to this. Truly, I don't think a man has ever made it through a whole episode. I can't bother him.

My man's special. He is like, stop. Did you find a good straight man? Yeah. How? And I have proof. I have proof. Are you ready?

Are you ready for this? Ready? He watches the girl, more girls. Yes, yes, I know, yes, he used to come home from school. He said when he was younger, he's a little bit younger than me, too, always do that. Anyway, so then you get a bit more youth. You can suck it like an energy vampire. I get a little bit of youth from him, right?

Like, it's like, woo. I'm very little, so I guess I'll be at secondary schools. Well, you know. I'm in my notes on a scandal era. If I say era, makes it sexy and not creepy. I don't support this. I'm Kate Blanchette. Which island am I going to?

We did a thing. It's a crime. Covered in shit with a geography textbook in the background. We did a thing. Stop ruining this lovely store. I love it. No. He watches the Gilmore girls.

Yeah, so he came home for school one day and started watching and he was like, I don't even know. And then at the end he was like... Sorry, is he a teacher? No, this was like... Back in the day. Okay, sorry, it was a memory. I was just like, no, if he's actually in school,

I do think we should pull it. the podcast. We need to cut back. Can we edit? You can the other 10 years, did you say? Can we just celebrate love? Can we just celebrate love? And at first he was like, oh, I don't know. And then like, he was like, then after a while I was like, it's just the, you know, the relationship that they have is really, like, he, yeah, that's my, yeah. And I knew he was the one for me when I realized, like, he loves my parents.

Oh, that is rare and special. And even I have a hard time doing that often. I'm about to say, like, more than you do? Yeah, like, he's in, like, he is committed. And I remember looking at him one day, like, you know, because we've gone through some stuff, and he's there and present. And, like, he's like, I love them. Like, I care about them.

And I was like, oh. Okay, wow. Is he an Englishman? Yes. He's Mancunian. Okay, a northerner. A good northerner. I got to tell you, I got to be careful.

I don't want to make enemies. But, yeah, I like northern men. Yeah, I think that's a reasonable shout. I think that's a very reasonable show. Solid. Where did you meet him? At a wedding. Yay!

We love a trashy wedding, meet cute. Well, Haley Ellis, a very talented, lovely, hilarious comedian, yeah, was trying to hook us up for a long time. Because we had never met. We were both comedians. We never met. Just like, yeah, doing different gigs. Even though I lived in Manchester, then I moved to London, it was when I moved to London that I met him. No way.

So then I'd always go back to Matt. But it worked out well because then I had a home in Manchester and London. Oh, that is nice. Honestly, like, the universe was just like, okay. Also, there's no denying. the sexual tension of like a slightly long term, it doesn't quite, it's not easy. Like, you know, like you've got to wait to get on the train to see them. Like, there's like, those things that, like, they seem annoying, but they actually can be

an aid, right? Time apart is the key, because at least you're living your own lives. And then you get to come back and be like, I have things to tell you and stories to share. And like, yeah, you're not like, oh, cereal again, hey? Like, there's a beauty in it. That's so nice. Oh, I love that. I need to meet someone at a wedding.

That's the plan that one. It was Katie Mulgrew and Lee Martin's wedding. It was a calling wedding. That's so funny. I know. I'm trying to think if you should meet somebody at a wedding, hell. Well, I keep going to family weddings. That's really tricky because last family wedding I went to was my cousin Pete and his wife, Astrid's wedding.

And my aunt was like, my son's good looking. And I was like, he's my first cousin. And then she was like, well, maybe you could just date together. And I was like, no, obviously not. That's really fucked up. And then she just like really was like pushing on the best man on me. Like, that was, like, the main thing of the wedding. But I think family weddings is tricky to hook up with somewhere. Because I'm not into the first, second cousin.

I'm not going to be a bitch about it. But, like, first cousin, there's a line, right? I'd say, cousins, yeah, generally. What would Granny say? Not much, she's dead, but, like, if she was here. Yeah, you got, no, you don't want to disappoint the dead woman. No. For goodness.

You know, I joined Hinge again for the first time in ages. Yeah. Look, okay, so I hadn't done a lot of, you know, I locked it down. Oh, yeah, I keep forgetting. I knocked, I was lucky enough to, like, you know, I missed a lot of, I think I I did Badoo for a while, anyway. What's Badoo? Oh, it was a real obscure.

It was a real obscure. It was just, I don't know, I did. Anyway, B-D-O-O-O, if it's still out there. It's like a yellowy sort of logo app. I'll show you, hang on. I know, it was really. What's its niche? Well, love.

Oh, they've changed their logo, sorry. Love. But what's, you know the way? They always have like an angle. Oh, yeah. What's Badoos? Maybe either really dirty people or people like me who were afraid to commit

into the world of like dating apps I was like well no one's really gonna find me on Badoo like I just thought it was a really practice app yes yes dip your toe with Badoo is it dip your toe with Badoo that's a good logo that's a good um slogan what is theirs and then it's turn into a foot finish create connections with people near you that's all it says yeah were you on an accidentally on a networking app like a LinkedIn wow I met some forward people and I'm also disappointed I didn't get hired because I did the work

I did the work I earned the diamonds That's so funny Okay so you skipped most of that Yeah Yeah it was good So yeah weddings Weddings are good

But so yeah And how is the hinge reentry going Yeah yeah So I decided because I'm manifesting now I manifest me and my friend Went up to the manifestation boards We talked about it in the extras last week You can do it

They work do they right yes because I've been very ambitious on this manifesting I put some simple things on it like go on holiday to Mexico

and it's like oh great tick tick tick done and then I put things on it like have a good relationship with food which feels like son right

that's exactly the right I like what you're doing good phrasing good wording like I'm going to have a good relationship with food I'm going to enjoy it and not use it as a punishment

every now and again like you imagine but can I say but I manifested it so I guess it's all done now but No, but I do think the thing, for me, it's not like I think manifesting.

I don't think it's like you put it out to the universe, it will come to you. But what I do think is, if you, in putting it out to the universe, you're very clear on what you want. Yes. I think you head more purposefully in that direction, so you're more likely to get it.

Like, I think really honing in on exactly what you want, especially out of a specific time frame, means you tend to actively pursue that. And there is a time frame. This is 2024 in the middle of my manifestation board. It has to be the year. Yeah, you're focusing. And it says love.

have a healthy relationship with food is better than like lose weight, like try to accept myself. Like I think even that phrasing is so good because it does the thing, I had a therapist say this really annoying thing to me. And he was like, they don't really feel like you talk about like a relationship, but it is a relationship. Yeah. Like it's like, is it hurting you? Is it harming you? Is it helping you? Is it empowering you? Is it distracting you? Like these are all things you would ask about somebody with whom you had such a toxic dynamic. Yeah. But you're not doing that with food and I was like fuck so I think the specificity is good I'm doing it so badly with

food at the moment I went to do a gig on Sunday and they were like how are you and I was like I'm just in a horrible way because you know I'm addicted to those baldat Korean noodles yeah I had this like Sineal was like can you get some bulldak noodles but the animals you could find were two times spicy but I'd run out of like cream cheese to like try and dull down the flavour I was like

like I don't want to wax my asshole let's put like that like I'm just fucking rinsing myself like but I can't stop eating them because MSG in it Allison's nod. It's vacant. It's left the building. No, no. It's a nod that's like,

I'm taking it in. I know, I know it's going to make me feel sick. But I can't not have it. And it's just punishing. Yeah, I know. Hey, look, I am with you, right? That and the two Domino's pizzas, I swear I was going to be for lunch on Wednesday,

but it bloody. Oh, it's not, look, I tried. All right. Oh, now I'm into weed gummies. Fuck me. That pizza hot, large stuff crust. I didn't know if I was, like, some people don't, but like, look,

I'm from, Canada, where it's legal. We knew you were going to talk about it. It's okay. We budgeted for this. It's like, it is a different thing. I also I just think it's a lot better than alcohol. I think there's less of a depressive swing. I think booze makes you

swing it. So true. And don't let people say, oh, then you'll just want to eat. Well, guess what I ate before? Like, I've been fed all my life, okay? And the food tastes better. Can we say that? Yeah. It's magical. It's so good. And it's, you get a giggle and it's, I don't know. I'm

big. I just want it to become legal here. I would like it to become the industry that it is in Canada where you walk into a dispensary and it's like entering an Apple store. And someone greets you with an iPad and they're like, how can I help you? Are you looking for something? Sativa or do you want indica? Are you a CBD?

So I don't know what that means, but the ones are like exactly strange. Strings of plant. Oh, is it? I will say by the way, a weed is not good for me. My brain goes like, not for everyone. Yeah. Mine is like reaction one, puke. reaction two, paranoia, reaction three, so sad. Yes, and I would never want sadness.

That's what booze is for me. I enter a world of like, like it just happens eventually. So I think I'm not my drug, but I also agree that it should be legal. It's just why not? Yeah, come on. If alcohol is, it's crazy that it's not.

And people are like, you're illegal as weed and not other drugs? Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. That's what I said. Did I stutter? So I'm manifesting being a pot head. Are you? Yeah.

I'm going to be a stoner. Who finds love, a good relationship with food. And also, according to a manifestation board, I'm going to be moving a lot in my body and swimming. I haven't done it yet. But also, I'm going to, I'm going to get a script. I'm going to get a sitcom deal. Yeah, but that's just like going to happen really soon

because I've manifested it. But the loved one, to go back to that, I'm worried I haven't done it right, because Gwyneth said, who I did it with, that you need to be really specific. That's what a friend did. You've got to be really specific as to what you're looking for. and I sort of ran out of time with collaging that I didn't get too specific.

Yeah. And I'm worried, like, I need to like redo it because it just says like, find someone. And the main thing is really sad because it's actually out in my room. And I hid it when people came over for New Year's Eve. So I was like, this is too personal, right? No, obviously. Yeah, you've got to put that away. But I put it back up.

And it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, what I'm looking for is someone who loves me at the same time I love them at the same amount, right? Because I've never had those two things match up. But then it's like, I think I took it too earnestly. When I was setting up my hinge, I put that as what I'm looking for. No. No, no, no, it's too earnest.

No. Because I got no matches for two days. That's crazy. Take that down. I think it was. Take that down. It was too honest. Take that down immediately, Helen.

It was too pretty. Because the thing is, it's true, but if I saw someone else find that, I'd be like, oh, lame. Yeah. Well, I am worried about the man that'll come to that. I know. Right? Like, don't get me wrong.

You're being honest. You're doing all the right things. But I'm like, oh, I don't, no, not yet. I haven't found my balance between my truth of manifesting. Yeah, yeah. And my end profile. It's not quite matching up. Yeah.

So Neil said I had to do it with you, Catherine. So then we met up for a coffee, like, was it last week? Yeah, I'd like to get into it. And he was like, I think you should sit down with Catherine. Did he know that you had written that in the bio at the time? He had read through it and laughed at it with friends. You should talk to Catherine immediately.

Yeah, you should talk to another person. You should talk to another person. I don't think this is my area to speak about. And to me, what I just want somebody who loves me at the time that I love them might read as is. No, don't go on.

Never mind. it just might read as when is it my turn just once I just think you're more comfortable with yourself than that makes you seem which is like you're obviously just saying you're open to love

and it'd be nice if it works out but it also doesn't help that it's hinged so it also has like want children looking for a monogamous long-term relationship like all those things I just think the bio is the place to be a bit breezy. You know what I mean?

Like it's a space to just vibe and chill. Yeah, like, hey, girl. Hey! Just a little more chill. Once we finish the episode, do you guys mind having a quick look over it maybe? Yeah, I'll look. I mean, don't take my advice, but I would love.

I say don't take my advice and I give advice on a show. I'm like, yeah, no, no, I will look at it. But I, yeah, you get, I, look, at least you're going to totally eliminate ones that are not for you so this is good yeah but I agree it should be less like yeah desperate less desperate should we say no I don't even say desperate that is a bad just as serious I think yeah it just can you just see how confused because the manifesting I haven't written all this down but it's like Catherine me spoken about it what I won is to so I'm going I'm in Mexico right now when this podcast comes out have my holiday but speak to someone on hinge come back date them and then

just as we're falling in love I fly to a Australia to do a six-week tour there and they're craving me the entire time and then I come back and have the best sex I've ever had. Okay? And then it's just love from that point forwards and I've got a date for my friend Fee's wedding in August. Okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then by that point we'll be like, we'll be long term. It's a pretty fee-specific plan, FYI. It is. It's not but then it'll be long term by the time it gets around to Christmas next year and then we don't have to do Christmas for my family or his family. You can go to Vietnam. Vietnam even

And also because of my healthy relationship with food I'll be able to go down those tunnels that the little Vietnamese men went down I'll be able to go on that tour Yeah Are you going to get shorter because of your healthy relationship with food? Oh I hope not no No goodness no no no

No always want to be a tall No six one that'll work for me About 47 minutes ago You seemed like you thought manifesting worked Well look I do I do I and even the way you catch yourself You're like I need to be more clear I need to do you know

the fact that you're even analyzing all of this, Helen, and having these moments, good. Thank you. You're creating a better picture. Have you ever manifested something and it's worked? One time accidentally. Stop. Say more.

Well, okay, it's so silly. It's silly. I was in university and I was in a play and there was one of the directors. He was kind of like the student director. And I just kind of had this like, oh, this is so lame. No, it's great.

But I had this moment where I was like, he's going to come to me and tell me that like, really nailing this and like it is exact and I'm doing really good and like because I really admired this guy and one day at a rehearsal he came to me and he said the exact fucking words you're really naming that I like made in my head but listen here's the thing I didn't do that with intention it just kind of happened so I believe that that sort of thing can happen but I think intention's the hard part you know what I mean like then when I desperately like want something to happen I'm like I'm just going to see it I'm just going to it never works it was such a natural

pure just, and it was just like a weird deja vu, but it was a deja vu I created my head and then it happened. And I think that's what manifesting is. Like a dream coming reality. Yeah. Like a Disney princess. That's also a manifestation board. No, I think manifesting is coming up with a goal and then writing it down into about 15 parts

in a plan that you intend to follow so that you achieve the goal. See? That's why you're successful because you do that. You are good. I know, I look, I don't know you all that well and I know that you are. Already I admire your organizational and you know it's true but I just think if you I think that the manifesting in and of itself gives you the confidence

to break down the plan right gives you time length yeah makes you think like okay what do I actually want this year because you can't have everything that's the other thing is I think with manifesting you can't have it all so it does make you prioritize and think about what you care about most at that time and not forever right like everything can change like agreed agreed yeah so I will have a boyfriend to get to Vietnam with by December I think if we have a look at the old hint Yes.

And start with likes Vietnamese food. Rather than... Because the long-term goal is to go to Vietnam. So let's feel like... Rather than one day, my prince... I'm sorry to and single my entire life. I'm just waiting for my turn.

Monogamous, long-term, one children. likes Vietnamese food and a laugh yeah I do like to laugh I should say that and you are fun and you have a fun life yeah yeah yeah yeah someone is gonna enjoy

you're such a cool life right yeah yeah it's a cool life we're all living cool life we are I'm sorry we're truth tellers that's what we are yeah that is what comedy is I go on stage every night and I speak my truth and I resonate

that's what I do I tell a few fingering jokes which is also my truth my truth too it's my truth anyone who says it isn't is lying was maybe not paying attention for the first six weeks of our relationship

I was definitely doing it then okay you have some of the best fingering jokes in the country Alison like seriously like you're like a top not finger joke teller yeah hard agree oh my god that's so awful but yet really thanks I've got an area of expertise

and I think yours is just amazing I'm pretty good at it have classy ones even like I have ones that are like I think catch people off guard because they're like oh that's good you know like it's sure it's it's a fingering joke but like but it's got layers it's got layers come on we've all been there right we love to see it we love to see it can I ask a question about your accent because I think I just had a little like moment yeah do you know that thing that's going viral at the moment of the nan and the little girl little like monster thing we're like who's that wonderful girl Could she be any cuter? And it's a Canadian kids TV show. Is that film the same place you're from? No. Same town.

No, but we do generally kind of have that sing-songy. That's how you can tell the difference between American and Canadian. No offense to any Americans out there, but it is a bit more of a start, start. Yeah. I thought it was the passport thing. Well, yeah. Well, you don't want to say it. I'm not, yeah.

But Canadians just have a nicer tone. I said it. Oh, I've made enemies now. I'm sorry, American. It's fine. You're from Toronto, Toronto. I'm from Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Yeah, by the Rocky Mountains.

Whoa. Okay, this is probably too young, but maybe some might. 1988 Winter Olympic Games, Eddie the Eagle, Jamaican bobsled team, that's where I'm from. Holy shit. We made, if nothing else, we created really good memories for the world. That year it was hosted. That's so fucking cool.

The Eagle could not be more common right now. He's about to start on. Dancing on ice. Good point. Vote loose handers. Vote loose handers. Hey, so on this podcast, we have listeners ride in. We tell us their problems.

We give advice. I already feel like you're going to be great to giving advice. My question is, what kind of advice giver are you? I am one that I try to not judge. I try to affirm the steps that they have already taken, even by acknowledging the problem. I think that is always a very big step, right? God, she's good. That's really good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. To have the awareness to look at something and go, I need to look at this. I need a perspective. Yeah. That is not my own. Also, I love giving advice because it's not my problem. And then I can think about somebody else's shit. And it's always easier to deal with other people's shit.

You get such a clear picture, like... Okay, and just before we move to the problem, because I've been looking at them instead of your eyes the whole time, how have you gotten such perfect eyebrows? Yeah. Are we brushing and trimming? What are we doing? I was looking at them too.

They're astonishing. Astonishing. That is happening. It's so funny. Yeah, I do do a little brush and trim. Look, I wish I hadn't trimmed. Look, I, 1999 was a rough year for all of us. If you were a woman and alive,

they really encouraged you to rip out your eyebrows. Yeah, and it was just a line. So it took a lot of work. I had them waxed in the hospital when I was born. They were like, absolutely not. His baby's not going to the world with those. That's fucking mental. Rip them off.

Get them out of there. Terrible. No, it's embarrassing. Pierce her ears and rip her eyebrows off. Now she's my baby. And a bow on their head. Bye. Enter the world.

My friend Carmen Trey, which is like an amazing stand-up in Germany. You've got to go see her if you live there. But she used to have this amazing joke about it. Everyone's always piercing little baby girl's like ears so they know that it's a baby girl. It's constantly piercing. And it's like,

you can tell by looking in her eyes, there's no hope. So sad. It's so true. But wait, so how are we doing it? Okay, so. Are you doing them yourself? Yeah, I've always done my own eyebrows.

I've always. Holy shit. Because I just. I don't trust others. Like, I've been through a lot. It's taken a while. I accidentally had my permed three weeks ago. I totally get it.

Did you pram your eyebrows? No, accidentally. I didn't know what the word was. And, yeah. She's waiting for lamination. A lamination, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's not being a success.

Yeah. Put them back. Yeah, that's it. They're fine. But you've still got them. You've got lots of eyebrows. Yeah, I've got permed eyebrows. But so you're doing a brush.

Yeah, so I do, I pluck, right? Yeah. And then I also have entered the world of shoes. shaving a little bit of that like I'll derma plane at home and also derma plane so you can tidy up yeah which also saves you a little pluck now and again yeah sometimes I go and get a threading if it's a couple of ladies that I trust but like you know yeah I do I do a little brush up I'll do a tiny trim I used to be an over trimmer so it like went in down too much yeah so I've really held back and I even allowed myself to go through an awkward face where they were all a mess at the front

what are you trimming with a very tiny pair of scissors yeah or like a name Yeah. Okay, fabulous. Yeah. God, they're amazing. That's really nice. Thanks a lot. Actually, really hard to look away. I am sorry. I'm sorry. I feel like I've been taking, making what must feel like intense eye contact, but it's actually just like real like me trying to get into the bones of what's going on there. It's really sweet. Like I thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Um, pleasure. I'm now and again, I use a gross serums because I always try to get longer lashes. Oh, people of good lashes. I'm constantly amazing. The growth stuff and they're so expensive and they never quite have worked for me. No, no. But I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I don't. I didn't. I don't. I didn't. I even know we trimmed our eyebrows until like literally a couple of years ago. Like this is mad. Yeah. Yeah. It's weird what we're expected to, yeah. There's a lot going on. We've got to stay busy. We must stay busy or else we'll have time

to revolt. Now! Andrew! Tell us, please. What's the problem? If that's true, I'm going to be really pissed off. It is true. You start getting angry now. Okay, problem. Didn't you say you read the beauty myth? I read the beauty myth but it was trying to keep us poorer, not revolt.

Oh, it could be both. Oh my God. They're stopping us. from figuring out the equal pay thing. For everything. They're stopping this from everything. No offense, men are great. Who was it I read? They're not listening, it's okay. Who was it?

He was saying, we were allowed to wear those female, the future is female T-shirts because it's not true. But if it were actually a real threat, then there's no way they'd be selling the T-shirts. The future's not female? I don't know that it is, babe. It will be if we continue to stand by one another. This is the Alison June Smith backstage,

or just a drink conversation. I know, she's so supportive. Women are supporting women. We've never had a network before. We're beginning to have a network. Look at what's happening right now. I'm sitting down with you guys on a podcast. For years and years and years, again, no offense, men,

but it was dudes able to pass off things to other dudes. For the first time ever in the world of comedy and probably business and probably there is more of a network. And so we are able to go, I share, I share, I share, I share, I share. Before we were pitted against each other. It was like, Highlander, There can only be one. Like, only one, and there's no room for, same with all business.

Same with everything. That film is mad. What a reference during a beautiful speech about, like, feminism of women. You referenced the film Highlander. I liked it. I've never seen it, but I felt like I was there. They got to chop off one another's head. Like, that's what it felt like.

Like, I'm sure, even before me, I'm sure the women back in the days, days, days in any industry, you know, comedy or whatever were like, like, you were just so. but also it wasn't true there really was just finite space like they weren't imagining it now we have to trust that that's not true and continue to make it support and then of course

but also support I'm getting there like so slowly because it's like you can you can do all female lineups but I'm yet to do an all female lineup that isn't been called like chuckle and guns that's what I mean

it's funny birds like I know like it's always jockeling guns are awesome so whimsical Jockeling cuns would attend that I would We don't perform at chuckling cunts.

Oh my God, if we do chuckling cunts, anyone who shows up to chuckling cunts is my kind of cunt. Like, I agree. I agree. Should we start running chuckling cuntz? We'll do the London version. You can do the Manchester version. Please do.

I want people to be like, it's rowdyer the junglers used to be. Those cunts are chuckling, like, fuck. You better have a tight five finger. Like, you've got five minutes on finger. You don't have a period joke, bro? What? What?

It would be so good. Be so good. Could you imagine? I imagine that would be the greatest thing ever. Wouldn't it be amazing? Women going fucking crazy for it. Like, it would just be, like, it would just be. The energy, it's like a strip show,

but just for like, nominal. Discounts if you're on your period. Can I just really quickly, can I point out that? We were just saying, like, how good it would be just like, an all female line up. It just happens to be an all female lineup. And now all three of us are like,

no, let's be chocolate. We will adjust it. Let's smell them to see if they're on the vagina we can blame the men for everything, but we do hold ourselves back sometimes as well. I'll say that. Like, we have the opportunity in this podcast. to discuss anything, equal pay the future,

and we discussed Allison's eyebrows and her engagement to a man. They're fucking winning. And that's also one of us. We could have discussed anything, Catherine. I feel bad. I do also regret saying that we could have a discount for women on their periods

and then following it up with sniff test. Yeah, that was a shame as well. I don't feel good about any of it. Let's listen to a listener problem. We're not proud of ourselves. And promise to do better? Yes. To do better.

I promise to do better. I promise you better. because the future could be female. That's the new version of the T-shirt. Thank you. Listen, female, I mean, it should be definitely, but like, okay, we can make it happen.

Females an option. Could be a thing. It's definitely one of the options. It's a strong option. Consider us a go. Who are your consideration? Female? Year one.

This is a problem from H. Hi H. And I've picked this for their geographical relevance to this podcast. H, come on, let's hear us. For H is an Irish boy and says, thank you, Catherine, for flying the flag for us

and consistently correcting those heinous English for their wrongdoings, to put it lightly. A pleasure, H, no bother. Once again, to quote Alan Partridge, as you can afford to immigrate, you can afford to be at a moderately priced restaurant. Continue.

You're a turd. Go on. I, 25 male gay, have no friends or social group. No! I've recently returned to my native Dublin after studying in the UK and Canada. I've landed my absolute dream job. Yay, congrats.

I love my job and feel so blessed. Professionally, I'm killing it. However, now that I'm living back at home, I don't need to tell Catherine how stupid Dublin rent is. I remember why I left Dublin in the first place. Everyone my age is moving to Australia. I have zero social life and I'm so fucking lonely. My parents are out more than me.

I started my new job for a major Irish company, I shouldn't say the name, but it's Wopper. And 10-year-old me would be over the moon. Wait, wait, is Wopper the name of the company? No, I think that's like... No, it means it's probably like Guinness or... It's a big Irish company. It's a Warrangus.

It's a Lerlingus. Or P.WC or something. Could be Burk King. Yeah, like a Wopper burger. No, that's American. I wonder who it is. Go on. The Catholic Church.

It's a big industry. Why is my social life as a gay man down? I love the job with CV and the CV effect it will have for me. However, I am so lonely with zero friends and there's no social life in this job. Despite my best efforts, I can't make friends. I know both you get a lot of questions about becoming comedians, etc. However, what would you say to someone who is a junior corporate role for a big international company? Okay.

And loves it, but it's so sad and lonely. There is nothing for me beyond my job here. dream role, but I'm miserable outside the office. Should I stick it out, go back to Canada, move to Australia, please help. Love you both. Thank you for taking the time to read this email. Even if it's not featured, please know that I love you all dearly. Lots of love, H.

Age, that's so nice. I have so many thoughts. I want to make you so many friends. May I? Yeah, go for it. So what you need to know, by the way, is that there is... Dublin is like one of the most expensive places to live at the moment in Europe. I think possibly the most expensive in Europe.

We're also having a crisis of loneliness. It's the most lonely city for young people in the world at the moment. It is really like a dire situation. So, hey, you're first of all, not wrong, crazy or alone, which I think is heartening, right? Like, it's like definitely an issue that you are feeling the consequences of it. I'm so sorry you are. But a huge number of young people go to Australia because the working conditions are better, the pay is better, and you might actually see the sun.

And also because rent and moving out of your parents' property is so implausible for a lot of people at the minute. I know that sounds like it's exactly the same as in London, but what I will say is I think it's much more broken into city and suburbs in Ireland, so it's quite difficult to socialise if you live, your parents' house you probably live much less centrally than you might hear. But anyway, all of that is to say,

I think you should stick it out for at least a year so that looks good on your CV. But I think two things. One, corporate environments have one benefit, which is that they want you to only have work in your life which means they also facilitate a lot of socialising in work which I know sounds naft but it's definitely better than no socialising so my tip is you are a gay 25 year old man

there is not a committee in that building that won't want you to join may I strongly recommend finding the proactive women who will be there and making friends with them join your committees but do they say there was no like social life at work outside of work outside of work no I know but I'm saying find the networks find the like queer network find this set one up find the sports team if there's one in the work also can I say Ireland's really good for um adult sports clubs there's shit loads like loads of my friends play tag rugby loads of my friends play football loads of my friends play five aside I think strongly

recommend finding out your local sports team is also I don't want a stereotype there's a shitload of great adult choirs in Dublin all of which are outside of work out here we go here we go choir because listen people had crisis of faith they didn't lose their voices people are ready to sing. Where are we going on a Sunday? So there's definitely those. Those are all good options for you. What I would also say is if you work a really good corporate junior position, I think you would not, you shouldn't want to move out of your parents' house into something unaffordable like living alone. But maybe you should look into the plausibility of living with some strangers your own age, even in a big house share. Maybe it's not ideal.

Maybe you try it. But it might be a really good way to find friends. That's what my My sister did when she moved back to Dublin. She lived in a bigger house share. And suddenly, because she had lived in London for a while, also similarly was in a similar position. And look, you don't need to spend loads on it. Obviously, I mean, it will be expensive. It'll be more expensive than it should be.

But it's a thought before you give up on Ireland entirely. That said, you couldn't pay me to live there. Go ahead. I feel like I should cut that out, but that's just my truth because, but that's because when I think I went and I came to, to quite a formative place in my life, Ireland was, I feel like it hurt me. Like, because I, it was way more homophobic than it is now

and I needed it, I needed it to rally and it didn't. But London did and that is entirely, entirely specific to me and not actually about the place, which is great. But those are my tips, Alison. Well, it's interesting. So I agree, I want a totally backup. I agree with the idea of a year, a job, right? Put it on the resume. When I graduated from university and became a teacher,

I immediately did not want to do that. I got offered a high school drama teaching position. I didn't want it. I didn't want it because I wanted to be an actress, right? But my dad was like one year. You take that, you do your one year and at least it's a year. So I agree with that completely. That being said, if you go, okay, I'm going to start there. I commit to a year here. Obviously it makes sense if you're going to be at home. Either your keys are save money or like you said go find a social life yeah if you decide to stay home and save money and like do the year i would like you to promise yourself an out date yeah where you make a decision i don't know if it's australia or can't stay here also you're young and i will say now's the time to do things

because the older you get the harder it will get the more commitments you will have so not to make any decisions you make your own decisions but like you know when you're young that's when it's easy change you adapt things are new so true like moving country yeah that's true you know so like you know I can say like if I was in your shoes I'd go the year save money and then make my decision but definitely have an out date and we're talking to a do it this is someone who's already moved and lived in Canada yeah well able well able to also look at the industries like you go I want to go back to Canada, look, a lot of things have changed after COVID. Like, all environments have changed.

Yeah. So wherever you, is, does it make more sense for you with what you do to go to Australia or does it make more sense with what you do to go to Canada? Like, research. Yeah. Figure that out out. But like, I would say, Outdate is always a... See, I'm a little bit more... Yeah, and outdates like a nice comfort blanket, I think, as well.

It's just like a little bit of reassurance for the bad days. Yeah. A bit more like Pocahontas talking to grandma, Willow, I know I tried to give you advice based of this recently. I'd say, follow your heart. You know, wherever the leaves go, she's just around the river bend. And those two different songs? It's an amalgamation.

It's like a montage. Right. And I say just put that flight now. Get out to Australia tomorrow. You know, it's just a job. I agree. You don't like it. Take off.

Go to Canada then. You are young life. The only job I stayed in for over a year was a cafe. You know, like. But it's his dream job. You didn't stay there because you were hoping to get to your dream job. You don't think I enjoyed those free sandwiches was a part of my dream. No, but I think this is like he.

That was a crayfish sandwich, Catherine. friend with mayonnaise. I think this is his equivalent of comedy. Like I think you have to imagine that some people enjoy corporate work. Yeah.

Yes. So if this is the dream job too. Do you understand Helen what I just said? No, not really. So but I know, right, they love the job so much. Loves the job.

But loneliness breeds depression and to be depressed at your parents' house when all your friends are away somewhere else like I agree too with the idea of like joining clubs or even, hey,

I'm going to say this, take a class online. I do think that's a good idea. Anything that fills that time that benefits you, right? That's what we're doing right now. Volunteer for old people, talk to them, be friends with them. And then you won't feel any awkwardness when you leave after a year because they'll probably die. Helen!

She doesn't even behind a friendship group. Do you know what I mean? Because happens if they make a friendship group and then they get stuck because they can't leave this friendship group. If it's the elderly, you're probably, you know. Yeah. Or like Helen. That's just postcards for a couple of months. And they need people to talk to because they're so lonely.

I watched an advert. It was awful. I would sometimes work with age UK and it's actually really rewarding. And I don't necessarily think that they'll die, but they do often forget. I was going to say that he's not to remember if you stop calling. She was like, also, you know what it is. You work with old people like they want to die. Like most of them do.

They do. You ever speak to them properly? Have you ever realized that you were the common denominator? Oh my God. Oh my God. It's not on my watch, babe. Is it because I'm volunteering there that they're like, I'm ready for a I'll go now.

I'll go to New Yorker. Something to think about it. I'd love if you get to Dignitas in Switzerland. It's like, you know, have the boots or Helen Bowers just through this door. Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. Can you just walk out the window? Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Do you want to sing a thong from the olenays?

Oh, dear God. Do we have one more problem? It's a long way to tipperary. Now I want to. H is too. close to the edge, leave them alone. Okay. Are you ready for one more?

Yeah, let's do it, please. I love romance. I would let us know what you decide age, actually. You want to hear that. Please do, yeah. And good for you. You've got lots of options and you sound like you'll make the right decision no matter what. I agree, yeah.

I really do. Having lots of options, you've already done something very smart because I think limiting those are when it gets tricky. Yes. Well done. Hey, here's a question for our listeners. Where can they find you? You have a podcast? I do have a podcast and a tour.

Tell us about both, please. Okay, so WTB, Women Talking Bollocks with Maureen Younger and Jen Brister. Yeah, it's great. We love it. It's great. We don't actually talk testicles at any point. Well, you couldn't. Come on.

Stick to what you know. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And then, yeah, I'm doing this is my first time doing a you. tour. Yeah, it's just a teeny little one, but look, if you have ever seen me and you enjoy me, please do come out.

I think my first one is Newcastle, which sold out. Very exciting. Too light, guys. That's very nice. But I will be in Birmingham and Sheffield and Nottingham and Chester and I think Brighton. And I'm going to keep just kind of going along to see, you know, but this is fun.

Social media and things like this, make it a whole new world for some of us comedians, right? Because not everyone's going to be on radio or TV, but there's a lot of really great comedians out there. And so because of social media and podcasting, it changes the lives. So this is why the first time in my whole comedy career, I'm like, okay, I'll do a tour, right?

Because I just thought, yeah, it doesn't have to go see, but you haven't seen, Alison, she's so fun. Strong recommend. A brilliant comedian. It's just going to be like an hour of just pure smiling and just joy and just fun. So if you want a really good night out, or you know someone who's having a bit of your time, needs a good night out, just go see Alison.

If you want to say, oh, that's good. That's the one, she's your girl. She's your girl. That is good. That is good. You can still be classy. Yeah. We'll tag Alison and all the posts.

If you want to see her socials, just click on them. And thank you so much. Yes, thank you, Alison. Thank you for coming. Helen, huge news. Is the executive lounge feeling a little fuller? to you today? Is it? Probably, because we've got another exact purchaser.

Yay! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you to Simon Moore, Guy Goodman, Mary Fox, Annie Turner, Sarah Deacon, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Matthew, Thomas, Madeline, Quinn, and our new arrival, Grace O'Reilly. Is that Irish? That's got to be. Surely. Religious first name, I don't know. Hello. Don't mind if we do. Hey, thanks so much for joining us, guys, and thank you for all your support. We genuinely couldn't do it without you.

How do you say, I thank you again in... Girmonga. Gerth Mahogeth. Gerav Mahogeth. Gareth. Nope. Got further away. But that's, thank you.

Thank you. And then also to our producers and the producer lounge. We got Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bold, Sadie Cashmore, Zoe, Rachel Page, Helen A, Abby Woff, Luke, Bright,

Kate. Oh my God, do I any glasses? No, we can't do this now. Dean Mitchell, Anthony, Sophie Chivers, Carrie Sooth, Carrie Soothie, Sueve, Victoria Hutchinson.

Please, everyone, please, please, please, let me try. Becky Fox, Tim and Dom, Ria Fink, Cordelia, Amy O'Reardon, Matt Sims, Tristan, Tass, Stephanie Katratia, Charlie A. K.C. Anthony. Tass, who just sent us all again? Wait, are there two anthony's? Haley Worf, Worf, Vef. Claire Owen Jones, Harold Van Dyke, which always makes me smile.

David Walker, Jess and Nick, Rachel R. Neil Redmond, Sarah Marley, Tina, Lindsay, Graham Marsh. Leo, overend, overend, there's a joke in that, I'll think about it. Liz, for, like, over and like, yeah. Something with like an ass, maybe. Or a boat, we'll work it. I'm sure she's never heard it before and definitely gives us her money so that we'll mock her, like, she wasn't at school. Leo, let us know if you've got a good one for us.

Clow, Emily G and Gozah. Shut the fuck up. Gozah, is that like short for Godzilla? No. That can't be. He's just got a film out. He's busy. He's not listening to podcast.

But maybe he's flushed and he wants to spend it on his favorite podcast. Goza. Okay, is Goza, are we thinking like a really fun non-binary person or a lad from Essex who's got a nickname from school that they've never got rid of and start themselves as Gosser. Oh yeah, you're right. I'm Gosser. Oh my God.

Don't ask why. Oh my gosh, so fun. Thank you all so much for supporting the podcast we really couldn't do without you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And remember that yes, I struggled with the names today, but that's because we're, we've had a break. Yeah. Happy New Year. If you're thinking of ways to spend your money that might help people in the arts, then please support our podcast on Patreon.

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