Trusty Hogs - Ep120. AMY MATTHEWS / Sewage, Snooker & Single Sex Schools

Episode Date: February 8, 2024

We're joined by rising star comedian and historical ship enthusiast Amy Matthews! It's an episode chock full of hobbies and passions as Catherine shares her love of descaling, a listener gets lost in a tap water obsession, and Helen plays Pokémon Go (/derails the whole episode) with a special bonus guest...FOLLOW AMY: @AmyFMatthewsTOUR TICKETS: www.trustyhogs.com/tourThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Deakin / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew Thomas / Madeline Quinne / Grace O'ReillyPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Emily Gee / Dean Michael / Stefanie Catracchia / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Hayley WorfWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Broom, broom, beep, beep, motherfuckers. We're going on tour. Trusty hogs are going on the road. Roadhogs is coming to you, provided that you live very specifically in, Manchester, Brighton, Edinburgh, Dublin, Bristol, Leicester, or London. So, get your tickets.

And we'll see you there. Trustyhugs.com, is it? Vroom, broom, beep, beep, motherfucker. I will not apologise. Welcome to episode. Episode 120 of trusty hogs. My name's Helen Bauer. This is Catherine Bowman.

It's a shame that if anybody's watching out on this on YouTube, they'll just have seen me Vaseline my nose. Catherine's Vaseline in her nose. My skin's all dry. I just had some Kit Kat in my hair that had melted and made it look like I'd rubbed poo in me. You're right. I seem fine.

We're comedians. We're doing great. We're going to chat. And then we're going to have on Amazing Comedian Amy Matthews. We're going to chat some more. And surprise. And surprise. Oh, my God.

Also. Also, James Acaster had to come in to get a Pokemon from me. Did he have to? I told him like James Acaster comes in and gets a Pokemon. Welcome to episode 120 of Trusty Hogs. Through the fog, step for the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't, and that's your problem.

They'll have guests. and Andrew White on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hugs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe no We've done that thing Where we've recorded the guest

And I feel so weird right now Yeah, it's like doing it backwards It's so odd But here we are I mean literally she just left It's not like we're doing it on different days But it was weird Or is it?

No, it's the same day It's like a half an hour later Yeah, because we stopped for chocolate, hence you're a hair fiasca. Also, we did take a chocky break, but the way that you asked for it was the most organised chocky break I've ever seen. What did I say? Like, will we have a tea time? Will we have one now?

Okay, that cannot be my husband. Knowing that you didn't have any snacks on you, knowing that I'd already had a snackie. And then you were like, but will we do it? You did selfishly go to the shop and get yourself a snacking? Oh, that was not selfish because I went, does anyone want anything? No, you said, do you want a busy drink? You said, do you want a fizzy drink? Oh, did I?

about snacks. You said I'm going to go get myself a diet Coke. Will I get you a fizzy drink? And I said yes, please. You said nothing about snacks being on the table. Then poor M had to go out for another round of snacks. Not poor. You could have gone out. How could I do that? I'm doing a podcast. Oh, I'll go out. I'll go out and get some Chucky then. And I was like, I'm fine M. Thank you.

I don't need any. Is it far away? It's like 10 10 milesish, isn't it? Like, yeah. Thank you so much. It's in Harrow. It's in Harrow in North London. That's a harrowing. Hey, it's good stuff. We are comedians and we are working. Just to make sure that's clear.

That harrow and harrowing thing off the top of the dome but she could do it again and it would look as fresh the next time and that's the thing. Thank you. It's not just the ability to be the funniest one of the group, it's the funniest one of the group by saying the same thing the next night.

I've never said that before. Yeah, but it's the best one saying but you could do it again. Oh, you better believe it. That's talent. Thank you. You better believe it. But then you instead of it being like,

oh yeah, just some chalky would be amazing and was like, oh, anything in particular. choice number one three Ferreira Rochets they will all be for me so that'll be no sharing whilst making panicked eye contact with Andrew and I

didn't want anyone to think that I'd be sharing this is a hypothetical Ferreira Roche right now how are you this panicked number two Kit Kat Chunky number three regular Kit Kat end of list

to the point where it almost felt like if she said happens if they don't have any of those that you would just be like we'll go somewhere that does no I have a next order I have a four through six very easy, but I don't want to stress the woman out.

Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Four, three, six is four, mint arrow. Five, star bar. Six. If absolutely pushed, but probably unlike that they'd have this if they don't have the former, that's skinny lint bar. The red one? Yeah, that's really good. Also, the star bar. Thank you so much. That is so underrated. So underrated. I fucking love a star bar. I love a star bar. And by the way, that's only today's order. That's not my usual order. Kit Kat actually isn't usually my first go too. Snickers would usually be in there. It was just today, my vibes. But yes, you're right. I wanted the three

for air rashes and I got the sense that in the group setting people would think those were for grabs and I didn't want anyone to think that I was going to do that I wanted to eat it andrew and if I may there's nothing more stressful than going to a random newsagents that with one chocolate bar choice no no I understand that it was the panic in the well yeah I was like that's mine it's mine I'm on my period I want it but I'm also on my second period of the month listen it's a lot going on second period of the We're coming out early February, so that won't make any sense, but we're recording in January. Oh my God, this is coming out near Valentine's Day. No, Andrew.

Yes. Favorite chocolate bars, and then we'll go into Valentine's. Oh, goodness. Because you went Kit Kat, Salted Caramel. Kit Kat Chunky. I did go for the camera preference, but I think I would put plain above salt caramel. Correct. A bit of a caramel.

Fancying. Having been to the Lint Factory near Zurich, I'm going to put lint in there now. Lovely. Go to the outlet store in Wembley. They have loads of flavours that they don't put in the boxes. Joyful. You can do a pick and mix of lint. That sounds really good.

Don't mind if we do. And they're all but handing out tasters. As if you haven't, like, as if you don't know what a fucking lid don't. Can you just tell us quickly, how was the Lint factory? Oh my God. It was amazing.

Was it? It was really, considering everything in Switzerland is very expensive. It was a very good value. The entrance ticket was like 13 quid or something. And you've got a tour of the history of chocolate. And they didn't brush over the colonial stuff too much. Fair play.

No, we colonialized chocolate? Yeah. No, I'm joking. I've been to Mexico. Wait to hear about potatoes. No, come on. We had them as well. We literally didn't.

No, shut the fuck up. No, we're potatoes from South America. Sorry, I just said that off. Sir Walter Raleigh. Sir Walter Raleigh. Sir Walter Raleigh to you. He brought potatoes over. Oh my God.

Sick. Sir Neil Patel. They're from, yeah. I still can't believe my sweet Charlotte thought that was what his name. I can't believe Helen lived with a sir. Yeah, my sweet friend Charlotte, did I have I told us on the podcast? You've told me, like, three times when you called herneal. My sweet friend Charlotte was like, how does Helen know a sir?

And I said, what do you mean? And she was like, Sir Neil Patel. And I was like, oh no, a mistake has been made, my sweet angel. For anyone who knew, I live with a comedian who is called Sir Neil Patel. But I say, Sunil, because I'm lazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I thought it was the sweetest. I just don't call anyone's names.

Like, I mean, it's Catherine Mary Joseph. like I have no regard for your actual names and nor should you no but sorry nor do we have regard apparently for the order of your preference of chocolate bar so lint is second third that's a third yes yeah yes

mortises will be in there not even in my top 10 really yeah that's mental regular dairy milk is pretty sorry huh dairy milk's disgusting it's not disgusting it's delicious but it's not in my top 10 no it's a really bad chocolate I'm really struggling think of chocolates I'm not normally

Eminem peanuts Mars bar Snickers a bounty No Sorry Kind of happy hippo That's what a throwback I'm not happy hippo In ages Milky bar

Milky Way I like all sorts of chocolate The thing is I'm strongly Colnut Oh yeah This is good I tell you what actually

Arrow The New Zealand chocolate That we got gifted The Whitaker's Delicious That has to go My top six Delicious

Yeah I don't know If we I hyped up enough On the podcast Whether it was Just in the extras But that hazelnut bar From Whitaker's

It is a journey. Yeah, a real journey. It's incredible. I'm sorry, can I yet again bring us back around to Valentine's Day? We haven't done my top six yet. Oh right. No, no, you're right. This is good podcasting. Let's get into it. Bueno. Oh, Bueno! I forgot about it. Definitely my top six. Definitely my top six. I love

Bueno. You've already had your chance. No, I haven't. I said that was today's preference. Bueno. Yeah. Mars bar ice cream? No, Snickers. Snickers ice cream. If you're going ice cream, it's Snickers. It's a chocolate bar. It's a chocolate bar. It's not a chocolate bar but if it were we would go snickers

Okay fine fine fine Bueno Kit Kat Chunky and I love that we're all on the same page with the Kit Kat Chunks It's not in my talk yeah

Um oh god this is so intense Toffee Crisp I love a Toffee Crisp Star Bar Yeah I do love the like

Little Kinder like just the dark like the chocolate with the white bits in it the milky bits Huh You know

Yeah like the little Kinder Bar It's called a Kinderbal Oh yes this is That you get in the packet of 10. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you pretend that you eat one of a time. Yeah, they're so cute.

Yeah. And then, oh my God. Bounty. I love it. Really? Yeah. Have you had the bounty ice cream? You have you got me onto them.

That's right. That's so good. I just remembered. I don't love the bar, but I love the ice cream. I have that with Mars bottles. Yeah. That's fascinating. Please tweet us slash comment your top six chocolates because that will be good for engagement.

Is it really? Okay, Dad. Please comment your top six chocolates. six chocolates. And I don't want any Americans waiting in with that Hershey stuff. It literally tastes like vomit. And you can't be like a box of chocolates. We're talking just like your standard news agent's chocolate bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaking of a box chocolate, though, Valentine's Day is coming up soon. Andrew, I know it is that I'm so excited. Ellen is, um... It's so tough on people. Valentine's Day. Oh yeah, it's obviously toxic and made up. It is fun. It's obviously toxic and made up. And obviously it's bad if you're in a relationship or if you're not in a relationship. If you're not in a relationship, it's obviously...

I've got to nail a strap on. How does that work? I don't know why I said it. Does he have a double dick? I'm panicking, I'm panicking. Yeah, he wants a double dick. He wants a tail at the back. That's good fun.

And then we both have our tails and we can see I'm happy we are. Knocking things off the counter. Sorry, my ma'am our willie. My more willie, sir. No, but seriously. Day is very important business. And I've got loads of dates lined up

so that's not stress for me. Do you have dates? Are you on Hinge now? Proper, proper, proper. Do you want to talk about it? Do you want to talk about the extras? Okay, I'm going to give you a little bit but I'd rather talk about it on the extras.

Okay, go on. I readed my Hinge profile. You don't need to whisper. Everyone can hear you as a podcast. I redid my Hinge profile. After that first fiasco, yeah. Picked new photos. New photos.

We'll go through it. We'll go through it. We'll go through it on the extras. Yeah, I was worried they didn't look enough like me. Okay, yeah, fine. Which is the whole thing that I was like. And also,

and I'm like made a better profile. Like two matches. But two good quality matches because they actually look like you, no bad? I don't know. We'll talk about the extras. Okay, fine.

Talk about the extras. I genuinely thought I'd have hundreds. I'm actually livid. I used to have so many more when I used to go on it. So I'm like, if this is an age thing, I'm going to be fucking livid. Well, welcome to your mid-30s, my babe.

I'm in mid already I suppose 32 and I'm turning 33 this year 33's mid isn't it yeah 33 is mid sick I'm about to be late oh yeah

girl yeah but you were born 60s so every year you're older you're still younger than how you appear not physically it's rude you're rude and it's rude

I don't know what I'm doing for Valentine's saying have any potpery at the moment I'm not doing no but I do have dried flowers I don't What are you doing for Valentine's Day? I don't know.

My girlfriend is surprising me. But she came into the room and was like, hey, I'm going to take it full control of Valentine's Day. And I was like, hot, exciting. Yes, please. And she was like, are you cool to drive us somewhere on Valentine's? I was like, so when you said complete control. Do you reckon you're going to a trampoline park or something?

I hope not. That'll be amazing. And she was like, baby, get in the car. No, I think we're coming back the next day. So I think hopefully it's a stay. I fingers crossed. It's like, but it's an hour from our home, I think. Do you reckon it's an overnighter at the zoo?

That will be hell. I hope not. I'm going to message her and ask what it is. Not now because I'll ruin it. Yeah. But I am genuinely curious. I think I might be gigging on Valentine's Day, you know. I am absolutely excited that she's organizing it.

Last time she organized it. I'm gigging. We went to a show that she booked called Age is just a feeling. I remember this! So I don't think it'll be more insulting than that. But no, I. I'm pretty excited to not have to plan anything. That's the delight.

That's nice. That is the delight. But here's my conundrum. Go on. So I, and she won't have listened to this, and it'll already be Valentine's Day when it's out. No, it won't. It'll be just a few days before. Okay, she won't have listened.

Ellen, if you're listening, she doesn't listen. She doesn't listen to the podcast. She doesn't listen. She doesn't listen. And if you're listening, go to bed. Okay, so who, what's the production company that opens with, go to bed? You know, on TV shows at the end when it's like, go to bed. bed.

Oh, you're like an American sitcom, isn't it? Wasn't at the end of scrubs? Go to bed. I'll Google it. Thank you.

Is this a fun listen? Anyway. Never. Helen. Tweet us if you know the name of the production. It'd be really good

for our engagement. Yeah, Ellen's not listening now. So here's the thing. I, she has this joke that I'm an airport dad with gifts, partly because when I go to the airport

I bring her gifts, but they never like chocolate or booze. They're always like a good water bottle. a portable charger God, just, yeah. But for one of her birthdays I got her AirPods

and she laughed and laughed because she was like, it's like a gift you give a nephew you don't know at all. And also like, you're an airport dad. It's good thing you're mothering anymore your girlfriend's and your auntieing them though.

Yeah, just like, no. She's step in the right direction. Julian uncle. And so I was like, okay. But then she fucking loved the AirPods. She was so dismissive of them. She was so,

She, like, mocked them, laughed at them, and then loved them. Great. She's lost them. Do I, A, let it go. B, buy her another pair for Valentine's Day. Is that not very romantic? It also feels very passive-aggressive. Does it?

Remember that thing you lost. I've replaced them. No, I think it's quite generous to replace the thing that you've bought already that somebody's lost without being annoyed about it. I know you and I know your facial expressions, but okay. I feel the undertone would be like, you could have had, a new gift. That's what I was more worried about

is that the repetition is not exciting. But they are expensive. They're like 120 quid. Fuck that. And she loved them. It's so hard to know. But I'm getting the sense that it's not very romantic.

If I would personally is what I would do if Reese had lost his air pods. I wouldn't get them for Valentine's Day. Had you bought him the AirPods in this scenario? Yes, yes. Have you bought him AirPods in real life? No.

Okay, long pause. I think I have bought him some headphones, but not. Okay, fine. But if he had lost them, I wouldn't want to do it on Valentine's Day because I don't want to remind him that he'd lost the airports. I don't want to fill any guilt. Right. But not to confine romance to Valentine's Day,

I buy them anyway and gift them a random day. What, they're crazy expensive gift. I'm not just randomly giving her AirPods. That's so lovely, Andrew. I said 120 pounds. Are you hearing this? But then you can really scale back the birthday because you have a lot of credit in the bank.

That's nice A lot of romance credit in the bank But you've already done Athens For her birthday You've booked Athens Yeah I can't scale back to birthday I've already booked Athens And also like

I always go too big on birthdays How about get her air pods But get some bedazzling stuff And bedazzle them a little bit So she can find them So it's like more romantic as well Like what doesn't say Like I fucking love you

And I want to lick your purse For the rest of time More than a bedazzled Air Covers case With a tongue on it I don't know how it Horritic Okay

Okay, because the alternate gift idea was she likes these blankets from Arquette. What? Arquette, Arquette, Arquette. Like Patricia Arquette. But it's spelled A-R-K-E-T. Okay, so not. But...

So not at all like that. It's almost like you don't know who we're talking about it. But then... Like, describe this blanket? Well, this is the thing. You can get them in multiple colours, but the one she wants, I don't like. Oh, fuck so.

So there's another one I do like. It doesn't feel very romantic to buy the one I want. No, it's really. But I have to live with the one that she wants. And you make compromises for those you love. Oh no. I say all this. I don't have a boyfriend.

This hasn't been very helpful. I was never going to be helpful. But she's planning the day trip. So if it's nice, I'm going to wish I got her the blanket. But if it's bad, I'm going to wish I got the blanket I wanted. How about one of those bears from the fare factory that you record a voice note inside of? Saying, I love you, baby. like you're so fair

she's an ad like it's an age gap but it's like only a five years she's an adult woman yeah I'm an adult woman as well I've got like 10 bears in my room and you don't think there's any correlation between that and the lack of do do do do

The sitcom was the Mindy project Thank you so much Thank you Andrew What was the production company Go to bed Go to bed Go to bed She'd bring on our guest

She's Vinnie Kaling's own production company Kaling Productions Kaling Productions Yeah go to bed Go to bed Go to bed Go to bed I think we should bring on our guest.

Okay, great. And then I'll show you my hands from the extras. Please do. Please do. I love you. I love you. Happy Valentine's Day. I'll call you on the day and say happy Valentine's Day.

You love that. You love that. You love that. When you're all fucking friends and relationships. You should hung up on me last time. Yeah, because I'm not, I've been the whole of Valentine's Day just hanging up on fucking people who are married or like just settled being like, hey, just wanted you to say, I know you don't have an especially in life right now, but happy Valentine's Day.

Fuck off. Go fuck. off. I just didn't say anything. I just said Happy Valentine's Day. You were like, you were like,

fuck you! I hate it. Okay, I lesson learned. I don't want to hear from you on regular days. You're a colleague. You're a colleague. Let's bring on our guest,

Amy Matthews. Hi, I'm talking about our guest. Hi, I'm Catherine Beauxhart and I'm going to the Soho Theatre in London for two weeks in March. Now, wouldn't it be convenient if they were

back to back and I could just tell you the dates. Of course it would. They're not. The first one begins the week commencing the 4th of March and the second one, after a week's break, begins the week commencing the 18th of March. So early March, late March, where will I be? Soho Theatre, my loves, and I'd love to see you there.

The tickets I haven't sold it necessarily as fast as I like them to. But listen, there are some available and I'll be there doing my goddamn best with my new show. That's the debut of my new show, so please come. I'd be thrilled having in the audience The show is called Again with Feelings,

and the earlier you buy your tickets at Soho, the less expensive they are. Thank you so much. This is it. It's me, Helen Bauer, from Disney Hugs. I just want to say. I'm doing my show one last time in the UK at the Earth in Hackney in London.

On March 2nd, it's a double bill with Olga Cork. You can see both of us, you can see one of us, come for the whole night. you've got like a little break in between us to go get some food it's going to be magical it's going to be sexy

and I'd love to see you there thank you thank you sorry guys can we actually do the job all welcome to the podcast Amy

Amy Matthews everybody that cannot be your introduction fucking hell is Amy Matthews this is hell Do you want a nail? What do you do? Have you heard that Amy's into a snooker and that's what this is?

Is that what this is? Shut the fuck up. Is that true? No snooker has ever been that loud. Yeah, you're right. You're right. It's the opposite of that actually. It really is.

I'm sorry? You're like fully into snooker. It's very embarrassing. No, it's not. Why is that amazing? It's quite. Oh, I find it really endearing because my grandma was really into it.

Like my Nana always watched the snooker. Always. Which was like truly the worst. Like I was from a really boring suburb in a place with horrible weather. So like if you were in, the TV is supposed to be the one relief from the tedium and then it would just be yes yes but you wait till you hear the rock and roll that happens off the table really really it certainly was

like years ago yeah it was kind of crackers it's calmed down a little bit now because people have started to like care about like winning how annoying instead of drinking oh did the prize money go off or something. Prize my one up a bit, but also it's like with any sport, it like gets sanitised a little bit as... You think of it as a sport. Catherine, that's unkind.

I just like, I don't think of cards as a sport. I think of it as a game and I guess I think of a sneaker as a game. May I recommend two documentaries to you that you'll never watch? Amy, you're wrong. I love sports documentaries.

I will watch a sports documentary and have watched a sports documentary and a little more less. Sports documentary about almost every sport in existence. Wonderful. Tell me. So there's a three particle dogs of snaker.

so tired. God's of Snooker? God's... It makes more sense. But how badly now do you want to watch three-parter of dogs of sneaker?

Fuck God's of Snoke that sounds dull as shit but dogs of snoo it's on iPhone. It's on iPod. It's on block! Like that's a bit. In my head, they were

lucky they were all bringing their dogs to their games for last. Stop it. But I'll watch Gods of Snooker on Eye Player yes.

Oz of Snook on I player there's a three-parter and the Ronnie O'S Sullivan documentary that just came out on Amazon Prime. I know. actually recommended it to loads of comedians because I think that even if you've

never watched a game of snooking in life, no interest at all. I've watched so many, I cannot tell you. I also worked in the snooker rooms in my university. Oh, Catherine, that's the hottest thing I've ever heard in my life. That's so cool. No, it was awful. It was just a lame job. Wait, what are the snooker rooms?

So cool. So, like, so when the tech students weren't like learning coding, they had to hang out with each other so they would come to socialize in the snooker rooms. There's basically four tables, a big snooker tables in a long, and I worked there they'd come in, they'd pay me and then I just sat there while they played snooker

and I would usually write my essays or text a boy I liked or whatever that sounds so good sounds really fun once a bunch of them disappeared and I was like what's happened and it's because there was a hacking scandal

students in Trinity University the ones who all played snooker apparently hacked into some company that they shouldn't have and then disappeared off campus What little rascals Do you still get paid either way though? Oh yeah the hourly rate

of like four pounds sick Pretty consistent Wait so Ronnie Yeah it's as a I think, I've recommended it to loads of comics because I think his mentality and his

loads of stuff he talks about in the documentary I think is uniquely relatable to, like, gigging comics. Does he have a bad attitude? Terrible, but like in like, you know, like a really like unhealthy, slightly problematic but fun way. Yeah. So I really, really recommend it to any comics.

I think everyone could get something like... Okay, actually now you've actually, like you've intrigued me massively. Ronnie. And about like... Ronnie or Sullivan. Yeah, a job where like, your self-worth is tied up to not just your job but just basically however well you last performed and that gets completely undermined if you have a bad one you're sort of in a community

but also in competition with it you know it's just like a king con fistful of quarters have you seen that documentary i know all of those words but none of them in that order king of con um fistful of quarters it's like a famous documentary about trying to get the highest score on donkey con in arcades and it is the best film of all time that it is the best film. It's a documentary? Yeah. What's it called? Okay, King of Kong, a fistful of quarters.

What's it called? King of... That sounds like something I'd call a fringe show. Yeah, a fistful of quarters. I'd go. I'd go to that. But like, it's, um, like, two guys, and, like, one of them's, like, had the highest score since he was, like, a teenager, and he's, like, the god of Donkey Kong.

The dog of Donkey Kong. The dog of Donkey Kong. The dog of Gonkey Kong. and he has the highest score and he also runs a hot sauce business and he's got like a really young wife with like massive tits and he's called Billy Mitchell

and everyone thinks he's like a god but he's actually evil he's like pure evil and then Steve Webe from Seattle whose life just hasn't worked out the way he wants to do he's got a wife and kids but he keeps talking about how he hasn't worked out

and they're like oh shit she's really supportive but he then gets the highest score but they don't believe his tape they're like oh his tape is like altered and it's definitely not because his kids having a shit in the background so you wouldn't have kept that in it.

So then he has to go and prove his score live. And there's like Brian Koo was there and he's like pretending that he's like not friends with everyone but he's actually friends with everyone and he's spying for Billy Mitchell. Watch it! All of these people look exactly how you expect them to look.

Oh more, more, believe it or not, more. No, I'm just Googling it now. You're explaining that was like, you know when you do a language oral at school and you don't make any real sense you just sort of explain events and you're like and I went to the library and there was a cat

and it was nice and everyone. Like, it felt like that in the best way possible. I want to see all of it. Yeah, I know what all the words are, as you said, but I don't understand them in content. Should we do a girl's documentary night?

Bear with me. I'm in already. We found her common ground. Yeah, we've done it. You come to mine, Soneil makes the snacks using the air friar. Absolutely. Okay.

And actually, no, I just remember, I don't want you and Sineal together. Never mind. Why? Because you recommended another sports documentary for him before and now we've got a Sky Sports Package at home. and I forgot that was you.

You were a fucking bitch. What did I do? You talked about sports or something. Did I? And then he got into sports slightly. And then he bought a Sky Sports package. I'm so sorry. Can we come watch sports at your house with Samila?

I will not be there. That's fine. Is he still making snacks? Yes. Well, he will be there because there'll be an ad break. And Sunil will be... Oh my God, he's in every ad. He's in every advert.

There's no point in any of us doing any self-tapes anymore because Sunil will get all of them. If it's like, oh, we need a lady running through a meadow and she needs to look kind of punky. And he's like, oh, Sunil's got it. It's fantastic. He's my Basta King. He's going to Bafta tonight.

That's like, he's so true. That's so true. I adore him so much. But I can't leave my house without just seeing him everywhere. Yeah, that is completely genuine. If you ever want to like feel better about yourself, Google Sunil without his beard. No, no.

Catherine, I run Catherine on FaceTime the other day and I was like, oh, Sanil's here, do you want to say hi? And she was like, put me on with him. Put him on the phone. And she was like, I googled you without a beard. He must have been born with it. You would think he should have been. It's crazy.

He looked like a different man. He's obviously such a sexy, handsome man. Yeah, he's a beautiful boy. It's like, he's very gorgeous, but he looks like a totally different dude without his beard. He looks like 12 years old. He genuinely just trying to tell you cookies.

He posted this on Instagram recently. Like, it's not like a hidden see. I googled it separate of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but he looks like he is genuinely trying to sell you cookies. It's all wild. He's probably got that before. Yeah, probably is, to be fair. That's amazing.

I'd buy them from him. He's filming a special. Like, you know, again, like, loads of clips that are thing like what comments are doing at the moment. But he's got like a double record day, but he's thinking about shaving his beard for the second record, just so it looks like he's done it on two different years. Pierre had to do that. He's changed top. Yeah, Pierre had to do that for something he filmed.

And Pierre, without a beard, again, he, he, he, looks like he's been sort of drawn from memory. Oh my God, that's so funny. It's so funny. Okay, I'll check it out. I'll Google that as well. I wonder how different we'd look if we got rid of them. I do get rid of mine. Yeah, no, me too, yeah.

I worked very hard to get rid of mine. I actually got my first chin and lip wax recently. I felt so old. Was it painful? Excruciate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I put my classroom when I was 16. What do you mean you felt old?

As in like, it's the first time I've ever had enough hair on my face that I thought I should get this sorted. Hmm. And how often do they have to be done? I don't know, I've never done it before. I grow a full beard every week. Really? Oh no, no, I'm bragging.

Pretty wise, guys. Like, I could plat if I waited a man. No strad. Oh my God. Yes, I have completely. I think you should. Well, because I started going to this place called Wax Pot in Hackney, and it is honestly the most incredible waxing experience I've ever had.

You told me about this one. It's like a gender neutral, natural wax place. So, like, nothing's pink or. faded or like girly, it's just all plants and calm and white and lovely. Do you remember you just put glitter in the pink paint pot and then decorate a salon? Like God intended. Yeah, I know, I know, but now everyone's welcome, it's so weird.

Call it sassy nails. Well, wax podges, like the most painless wax I've ever had in my life. My friend told me about it and I was like, no, you're lying. Like, I don't, that's not, I've, every single time I've gone for a wax, it has been like a back alley abortion clinic. Yeah. And, um, I'm sorry, it has been like... got really beer and drinks there

for a story about wax It has though Every single time it's like a woman who hates me Yeah she's taking some stuff out

It's a grudge I don't know about What did I do? I don't know But horrific and like I get I've been like burned by wax

That's too hot Anyway This like a beautiful place This beautiful woman does my wax And it's such small parts and pieces and she does it like

so gently and it's wonderful But so it's like okay I trust them to try And even they The place that usually takes care of me could not make

a lip wax Not be excruciating It's horrific. There's too many nerve endings. I shave. It's horrific. No, you don't. I do because I'm doing IPL hair removing.

Are you still doing that? Yeah. How's that? Life-changing. This is an education. Oh, yeah, welcome. But can I just go to look back? You genuinely, like, you've never had to, like, wax your face before because you've

not had enough hair coming through. Probably once a summer, I'll have, like, I can see the blondes in the light, and I'll do a little, um, um, veit, but it had gotten out of hands. Oh, I fucked myself over as a teen. I was a weird teenager, sort of, like, shaving just because it's curious and, like, yeah. That's fun. I shaved my arms like so many times I'm like a dolphin on my arms

Yeah me too, no hair Look at that Look at that Wow Look at how long they are Have a play Yeah that's so listener I'm just sort of grooming

Look at that's amazing isn't it That's lovely I'm really I'm so furry Let's see yeah you're the same Yeah yeah yeah Who's the most dolls What the fuck man

You've got no hair there You don't grow like How about here Like they're really No But what I'm saying is it was hell, so I wish I didn't. Hell. That is a shame.

Where do you have hair on your legs? Everywhere. Oh, nowhere. Like behind the knee? Actually, no, but it's like... Motherf! I have such blonde leg hair. That's amazing.

Oh, no, that, like, with my shins, it's like trying to hold back the tides with your hands. Like, it's just... Really? And pubes, are they migrating up and down? They're pretty stationary. They've been sort of in locum for most of my... Not growing down there like a tree trunk for like ivy. I mean like three.

You know like the three that are like on the merry way. What do you mean three? There's always like three that are just like, well, bye. We're head now, we identify as leg hairs now. What's happening between your belly button and your pubis? Some tummy, some lovely little squidge. Yeah, I don't have the hair there. Not like pubic hair.

Sort of like making a line in between. No, sadly not. But I think that that's fun. I think that's lovely. I don't have a... What does that call something trail? Snail trail was what it was... What's happening around your nipples?

Oh, the odd one or two. You've got to get those. Just one or two. I haven't had any around my nipples. But that is quite normal. Most of the women I've dated to have... Oh, I probably shouldn't say that. I am feeling yet.

Can we take that? Most of the women I know have had some nipple hair, but I haven't yet. I'm sure it'll come along. I think like once a financial quarter, I'll notice one. That's very nice. There we go. Very nice. Yeah. And that's quite nice.

Oh my god. Helen, put your nipple away. That's not my nipple, actually. This doesn't count, Helen. That is, that's like the ghost of a hair from three lives past. I think I just wanted to show it. I used to have a, oh my God, is that a hair? I don't think now.

Please stop it. Hell, could you do this later? I feel, it feels private. Sorry, she's just picking at the spots and hairs between her boobs. That's not a spot that's a mall that I thought was a third nipple for years, but turns out it's not. What a disappointment fully. That is actually devastating. I was gutted.

I was gutted. I was gutted. I've already told everyone at school I had three nipples. which probably shouldn't have been a cool thing but I'll think I've got three nipples I've got three nipples and I've got three nipples and I'm like,

do we know anyone with three nipples that is public about it? There has to be. I have an aunt. Yes! Wait who's the comedian that's got three nipples and he can milk himself?

Joel Dommet, is it? That is it? What? He can lactate. No. Who's got the third nipple? I'll Google it. Thank you.

Hey, we really don't like that. Joel Dommet can produce milk. No, stop it. Joel Dommet can produce milk. Stop it. Mark Wahlberg has a third nipple. Does he? That's two sexy men now I'm surprised by.

And Adam Hills. Adam Hills. Godin Hills. Gosh, I lie. That's a lot of information. Lots of process. I'm sure I was asking you a question. I'm really upset about the hair thing that you guys have just been honest.

Yikes, Yikes. So you like Snooker? Yeah. Yes. Do you play Snooker? Very badly. Very, very badly. It's so hard to play.

It's so hard to play. Okay, so I'm a listener, and I'm guessing that you get what I get a lot, which is, where are you from? I can't place your accent. Yes, I do get that question a lot. I get a load. People often go for Surrey or vaguely West country, or like post-West country. Neither of those are true. I'm from Essex, which surprises people, but I lived in the West Country for three or four years, and I've lived in Scotland for five and a half, six years.

So it's sort of a mish-mash. I've got a sort of generic southern accent. Yeah, I thought you were the same as me, just general southern. Like, I know that I pronounce like house weirdly or like I'd say like, yeah, about instead of like about. And there's like odd words that I only realise I say with like a Scottish inflection if someone calls me out on it. I'm going to overdo it now. But I'd say like perfect. Oh my God.

But I don't say it quite that like thing. but there's like in fact all like absolutely there's like a yeah yeah it's so it's like a generic southern accent with some sort of regional warmth thrown in but what's really odd is I am the only person in my family with this accent everybody else has um like a really broad like estuary essex accent what like my sister sounds like this like literally like all of them sound exactly the same and I don't know where this game from it's so weird yeah they'd say like like Dan instead of down. I can't even do it.

I can't do the accent that I'm supposed to have. What happened? Nobody knows. This is what's weird. So, like, I have, I was brought up in the same... Literally.

So I was brought up in the same environment. Me too. I mean, you've got a lovely voice, but what a shame. I know. Imagine how many working class lists I'd be on around the fringe

if I'd just, like, retained. Despite anything about your income status, it doesn't matter, it's just an accent. It doesn't matter. Accentally assumed. This is what my new show is going to be. About a bit, actually, yeah. It's astonishing.

People assume that I, yeah, like I say from Surrey, and I'd like the first person I found to go to uni, growing up, my dad worked in a printing, nights in a printing factory and my mum was a travel agent. And if I had... What's a printing factory where they make printers? No, as in where they like print... Like papers, yeah, like flyers or... Yeah, anything. A big printer? Like, yeah, like industrial printers.

Sick! Yeah, very fun. That's got a bit of fun. You'd think so. Yeah. Yeah. Did you imagine there as a factory where the awesome made printers though?

That would be amazing. But yeah, so it's really weird. Like if I, I've had the same upbringing as my sister, but she's coded socially in a very different way than I am. But we have the same socioeconomic background. And, yeah, so it's bizarre. It's completely bizarre. And we had the same life.

Went to the same schools. That's interesting. Because I have the same thing with my siblings, but that's because we went to different schools. Yeah. There wasn't a community school in my area at the time that I was growing up. There was a, like there was only a secondary school that was halfway decent, was a convent school, which was a private school.

Private schools in Ireland are different to here only insofar as like they don't cost as much and they are hyper, hyper, hyper religious. As they should be. As they should be. Children need religion or they will find the devil or he'll find you. Oh, he'll find them for sure. And if I listen to this, he's already bloody got you. No point wriggling.

you're in his graph. Too believe late. Yeah. Well, yeah, we have different actions. Kill a man. It doesn't matter. It's over. It's true.

It's pretty. I really tickled me. I can really tell. I was like, she's on a roll. Don't worry. It's horny blood you got you. That's amazing.

Sorry, we were talking about socioeconomic background. We were. I'm so sorry to put the tone down. Sorry. Sorry, you, you know, siblings have done. different voices. Oh no, my point is just like I grew up being like the posh one in my

housing estate and the poor one in my school and it's a weird like accent configuration and also people assume I'm American all the time which is really how interesting Canadian or American I get a lot which I think is because when I'm here I try to elongate or like slow down because when I speak at my usual pace English people are like sorry what yeah and gosh and golly gee whiz yeah how do you and so I have to but then yeah people are like what the hell's that but it's very shit like I even like my

yeah my school I was it's just it's just very weird that I no one really knows where this came from I've got your voice but I am middle class from Hampshire gorgeous I think I was also like a little freak as a kid I was just a bit like I reached sort of like age seven

and started getting into like 17th century tall ships and collecting like coats of arms from, um, think, like, I was an absolute weirdo. Yeah. And I used to age. Is that the diagnosis or did they give you a word? And I was like, I would, I remember being in year five at school, which is, I don't know how old that is in real life, but I would sit with a Jane Austen novel and circle the words that I didn't

know, make a list at the end. Words of the day? Look them up and learn them. Yeah, I did words of the day. I always did words I didn't learn, I'd read for the first time. We would have been good friends, you know. My dad took me to the Tall Ships exhibition in Dublin when they came. It was so exciting.

I loved it. I'm so jealous. Genuinely, we would have had such a good time together. I had so many model shit. That's so cool. Yeah, I had like, my room was like full of, I had, I probably had about. It's not easy to be a kid in Essex.

Get off your phone. I told you I need to stop a Pokemon with someone. Are you joking? It's not happening now. Can you pop in? Are you fucking joking? He can't pop in, you can pop out. You got to catch him off.

You were like, we have to take, this job seriously. Now you're taking a break mid Amy's record. To what's happening? To exchange a Pokemon with James Akeaster. Let me can come in if he puts an advert on off menu for us. Yes. For my tour. What?

What? You just deleted it by mistake, didn't you? Oh my God. down. Why would you delete it? He walked all the way here from somewhere I'm too. Why would you delete that? You're crying.

But you'll trade me the one that's left, right? Catherine was talking. You're talking me the one that's left. You're mad again. You're trying me to Professor Oak. Because you're not. Who is Professor Oak?

I spent 12 days in Mexico. not talking to my friend. But you've already got it mentioned to the Pocidix. You'll swap it with me now, right? Yeah, give it to you. You're panicking? I can actually clear the panic. You'll call that with me now, won't you?

Yeah, you're stuck that with me now. What the fuck is going on? James, are you okay with me? Do it. Do it. Oh my God, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the best moment of my life. What's happening? Please explain to the, like, amateur, what the hell's going on? Bawa went to Mexico and got a regional lonely

Pokemon that you can't get anywhere else but Mexico. You got it twice. And I was supposed to catch. The deal is. if you go abroad in our Pokemon group, you have to catch the amount of Pokemon that are unique to that area, so everyone else has access to the other Pokemon.

So when James went to Disney World, he got everyone... You're in a Pokemon group. Yeah, we're the crew. We're in a group! But I only caught two. And then everyone was... I was like, I'm so sorry, guys,

I've only caught two. I was trying so hard to catch more. And I was put... And then it was on me to decide who got it. And then he messaged me outside the group, being like, give me the parr. It worked. But did you do it?

Yes. But also my sneakiness works. So I only caught two, but I just accidentally threw one away because you were talking fast in your riddles. That's not my fault. You confused me in your riddles, the riddler strikes again. Has James Acaster walked away with this and you don't have one? No, no. You gave me a far-fetched.

Shirely far-fetched. You got to revolve it to really get the full benefit. Yeah, but we have to adventure together. Yeah, you adventure together and then your benefit, that's the golden, that's the golden goose. Literally. But now I don't have a Horleacher. You have one. It looks like it.

And it's a lucky one as well. We have to tell the group what just happened. The lucky trade. I just scampower on her own podcast. I don't know what any of this is. I just got really fucked over is what's happened. Did you? Is that why you're crying? Oh, and I've got an air catch and it's all coming up.

What level? 12 kilometres? 10 kilometres. Shut up. Show me. Is it a sandlet? No, it's that little stupid vulture. If it's any help, any consolation, Helen,

while he took your Pokemon, I think this entire interaction will mean about, however many women used to want to fuck James Acastr, no, don't. About that. She doesn't mean it. She doesn't mean it. I could do with those numbers going down.

It's a strain on my relationship. I can't believe that just happened. I got too... Honestly, I didn't even take in May in ruins because I was trying to find this fucking parallel. Yes. I just threw it away. We've all been there. I've ruined

Yeah, no, you've ruined so many holidays just going around looking at my phone looking for Pokemon and not engaging with the people I love I spent £500 on data

yeah no I'm joking, I don't know fuck! This has been it's meant a lot to me Bauer I won't forget it

when I go to But if they kick off in a group I don't know I've got a It's very hard to kind of like strategically book holidays

around where Pokemon are without your girl and catching on what you want to go to Sri Lanka But it's strange fancying you

that's the strain on your relationship Yeah yeah Yeah, yeah. What's in Sri Lanka? Huh? What's in Sri Lanka? Oh, actually, I think I've got all those ones.

Well, really, I want to go. Well, we'll be James A-caster. He won't be in Sri Lanka. Because we all thought we had to go into Egypt, but then they released it in Brockwell Park in Harn Hill. What a day. There's an Egyptian version of that I quite like. Shut the fuck off, fru-thru.

It's not a new deck entry, but it's like, it's still like another version. Yeah, I was thinking about the prime ape and doing that. We're in the middle of a podcast. You told me to sit down. Get out of here. Thank you. You have no idea what just happened.

Like, in the Pokemon world, what does happen is fucking huge? Did you just get scammed? Yeah. May I just say your childhood obsession seems so much more normal now? With ships. With ships. Yes, yeah, thank you. Yeah, I actually felt so much less self-conscious.

Oh, fuck off. I was like, I'm a bit of a nerd, actually. Like, I just love 18th century tallships or 17th century tallships. They just spoke a different language. Yeah, they did. It was a lot. Catherine's not always been encouraging of me being a Pokemoner. I didn't know that you were that deep.

That was crazy. Yeah. That was genuinely a different language. That felt like, so the opposite end of the spectrum of, you know, when you hear, like, cool people talk about drugs. Yeah. And none of it makes any sense

because it's all euphemism and, like, street slang. Which girl is which drug? That's my question. Is it? As in like, there's like Mandy and Molly. Oh, right. You're like, I don't, who? Well, both of those were ecstasy.

Yeah. Oh. But they're the same drug. Why are they called them? I just, I just don't know. I don't know. Because it was called Mandy and then everyone knew that

so they changed it to mind. Well, is it not because it's like MDMA and Mandy is like a contraction of MD. Maybe that makes sense. But I can't dress enough if I don't know.

Gack. Me neither. A beautiful gorgeous girl's name. Yeah, a beautiful baby Gack. Sweet baby Ketamin is coming over later. I can see Ketamin is a bit of a class clam.

Yeah. She's a clue. Oh, I'd be Gack. wouldn't like you guys be Mandy and Molly. You'd be Gack. We would be Mandy and Molly actually. Sweet Mary Jane which one's Mary Jane? Marijuana I said oh I wouldn't think I'd pull up for Mary Jane either

no I'd and you guys would all get angels in the nativity and they'll be like Gack's gonna be inkeeper Mary Jane feels I'll hold the door I cannot believe that you just got swindled by James Acaster for I fucked myself over it was there was too much happening and I felt like I couldn't focus so I'm devastated oh no

the Pokemon group's lit up how do they know already Do you remember Amy our guest Helen he's told the group yes he's told the group no you one of the group said we're in now yeah what have they said

watching a documentary about the sports we don't understand but we're it's all good we've had it for years and years and years and we're all really good to each other unfair now because I only had one spare parrot, then accidentally gave her away so I only had one parrot. But James has now got it. Are you saying the word parrot? Parrot.

Okay. That's the sort of closest. Thank you for clarifying. Okay. So then James and then message me separately, even though there's been a whole conversation in the group about who gets the parrot. Why do you know that work? James is now message saying, huge news for the group. One, I'm a sneak and tracked down Bauer and made her trade me the parrot. Sorry about that. I was like, which parrot?

And he's like, two. Bauer had two parrots and accidentally deleted the other one during the trade. So now I have a parrot, but Bauer does not. And he's like the regional Mexican power. Oh, no. What's everyone else saying? This is just Alan James at the moment. Who are Alan James?

Who's Al? Al, works at Turtle Canyon. Turtle Canyon, Al. For the love of God. The owl to the stew. Who in this industry isn't embroiled in this horrible underbelly? You? These guys.

Apparently. Okay, so maybe, okay, now I feel less just mental, though, because I feel like, okay, if you had ships and you had your debating and your religion, then I have Pokemon. We've all got our own things. We've actually all got our own stuff going on. I guess so.

I like that you included religion as like a teenage hobby. Yeah. To be fair for me, it really was that. When your hair's not red, it's 100% is, no? You're not wrong. I've drink the blood of Christ, but I've already washed my hair with it. It doesn't even make any sense. It doesn't even make, no, it doesn't.

Like you washed your hair with the blood of Christ, that you washed your hair with wine. Hello? It's holy water. What are you talking about? No. What? Like I'd wash it with holy water, but why would I wash it with holy water,

but why would I wash it with wine? Yeah, why would you? I don't know. Sorry, I'm really upset about how. Can you just carry on? Yeah. Yeah, I was one of the wise men. Why? You have such merry energy. That's so sweet, but I went to an all-girls Irish school where there were too many ginger, so all of the wise men were ginger to make it consistent. I understand. It was a character choice. I understand. Yeah.

How about you? We didn't do one in scenes school. I went to an all-girls school and then in all-boys school. Huh? Yeah. Sorry, no, you have to. You have to. You have to. They, there's a weird thing in, so I went to a grammar school, and they, in the last two years of school, admit 30 girls into a school of 1,200 boys,

like a sort of fun, sort of to prepare me to green rooms, I think. Wait, they release 30 girls. Yeah, they release, like, family. And they just say, like, best of luck to you girls. Like the hunger games, yeah. And that's it. Yeah, so there's 30 girls, 1,200 boys. That's like when they put like a live rabbit in like snake cage.

That's what I'm thinking. Yes, except the snakes are all scared of the rabbit because they've not seen one for a real long time. So do you just like go around corners, go, right? Yeah, absolutely. You had to sort of like wade your way through the Paco Raban 1 million.

Is that 40 boys to one girl? Is that the math on that? I think so. Sure. I don't know. That's a dirty much more than a bloody sore down there, all right? That's a fucking raw hole by the end of that school. With all that tall ship chat, it was a drive here.

So, yeah, that was quite unusual. but how did that go? How did that go? It was sort of surprisingly fine. As I said, they sort of fear you. So it's fine. They're like, oh my God, what is it?

That's like one of the things that I've seen on my life. You're like, it's a toll ship. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was unusual. Weirdly, I think the staffing body were the most kind of like uncomfortable with it because they were like,

I remember crying over my economics homework once and I handed it to my... Because God can't do math. I was going to do math. It's too hard. And they're very emotional. And I handed it because it was all smeared. And my economic teacher was like,

what's happened here? And I'm sorry, sir, I cried on it. And he just went, right. And, um, are you okay now? I was like, yeah, no, I'm absolutely fine. And like that was as much like pastoral care that was ever put in place. Yikes.

But it was actually sort of fine. Did you get the part of Mary in the nativity? We didn't have one in a senior school at all. I directed instead. No, I directed a production of Dad's Army instead. What are you going to do, starring it? You can't. There's not enough girl parts.

There's no ladies, of course not. So I did some direction for that and the stage, like, set and stuff. Weirdly, do you know John Tot Hill? Yeah. He did John Tottenhill. He was the lead. That's so cute. Yeah, very cute.

Very, very sweet. He's a born performer. I love that. A born performer. This is amazing. I loved his debut. It was so great. It was so great.

We're cooking with this? We're cooking with this. So good. Yeah, and what's really funny is we both went to see each other shows and there were three bits that were basically the same references but just done in like our own voice and style. And we're like, you could come and see it as a kind of like Barbenheimer Jew. I love that. Mine was like the bleak version of John's show.

Like his was so like high camp. and fun and mine is funny don't worry but like it had some heft had some real hefty stuff and it's but there were three things in it where we both walked up we were like oh we've written like not the same show but

we'd just have the same life for a really long time and my parents went to see his show on the day that his parents came to see my show no this is so crazy that's wild sliding doors sliding doors um so yeah there was no nativity in my secondary school but there was in my primary school and I played

Rodney Trotter, no further questions No, so basically No, you have to explain that, yeah Estes is the Wild West Also, it was really ironic is I was basically the only person in my primary school Who didn't have the accent So they were like

Basically I was really tall I've basically been this height since I was about 12 How tall are you? 5-8 Wasn't quite 5'8 But I was very, very tall and just stopped growing That is tall for a girl you're just a freak, come on.

Yeah, 100%. I mean, a glamour of a woman. I'm nature's tallship. She's five, eh? But that's hot for a woman. I'm very tall for a child. Yeah, and I was a real, like, lank as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was really, really lanky, so I looked like Nicholas Lindust. And basically, I had this teacher who wanted to, like, inject a bit of spice. My friend at the time, George. and yeah so it was like it was basically

it was the nativity but I believe it was Del Boy Uncle Albert and Rodney were the three wise men Oh God Oh that's great Yeah there was

Oh gosh There was a Doctor Who B plot Okay I am so into this nativity I'm obsessed with this teacher So my The reason we were all three gingers Is ours was an entirely comedic and nativity

written by a woman called Mrs. Ryan Who would troll us at Annie given turn she used to set his essays that were always like yellow go and then just sit there waiting for her cigarette break being like absolutely incredible yeah that's amazing yeah so I ask how long the run was was it just one night yeah it was it was it was extra dates due to phenomenal demand yeah I can only imagine yeah let me marry it did the PR it was real good stuff um yeah no it was it was insane it was insane that's so far so what of the Pokemon

Can I tell you, I tell you I like Essex, please? Because everyone always says they don't, but I really like it. Oh, I love Essex. And also, can I say that I think it's amazing what you guys did when the Romans invaded us in 35 BC. Finally, someone has brought up our achievements. A bit of recognition. Yeah, a bit of recognition.

What did you do? Some real straight roads. Budica had some good fighting there. Budica had some good fighting there. I know people say that she, you know, was a warrior and everything like that. I think she's a mentally ill woman who referred to herself as a queen, but either way. And that's feminism, actually.

I'm the queen, are you? It's pretty mad, but yeah. Built a very straight road to Colchester. Good for her. So that it's nice. I don't know if it was Boudicca actually, but the Romans did. That makes more sense. She didn't win. They did invade.

No, no, no, that checks in. We needed a direct route to the zoo. Actually, no, they didn't get in that time. They got in 30 years later. They gave up because they were too scared of the Britons because apparently we were really smelly and very feral. We were. I don't know.

I don't know your early British history, I have to say. Or Roman invasion? Yeah, we all smell like shit and boo. to be quite hot on the Anglo-Saxons. I had some pretty... I had some decent, like, village life. Like, you know, like the people's history. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That which we basically are making up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My uncle John Hines is the country's leading expert in Anglo-Saxon brooches. So any questions you come to me. Well, I know... Any questions you come to me. This is the weirdest brag.

That's extraordinary. Really? Is he your most fun relative? Oh, no. She's got a... A whole bag of cats over there. He's up there. He's got to be. He's up there.

No, there was a granddad who, when he died, there was a skeleton under his bed. Yeah, he was great. And a treasure trove of sex toys. Yeah. Um, Helen, I'm genuinely interested what's going on with Pokemon group. Which is annoying me?

What's going on with this? I turned my phone over. Is it pathetic that I want to know, Amy? I'm sorry. No, no, no. I think we must. So he goes, James says, it's the regional Mexico power and Al says, oh yeah, RMP.

And James said, yes, RMP, and then Al says RIP to Helen Spare RMP. Okay, so it's not good stuff. It's not like quality banter. It's just some lads talking about Pokemon. Okay.

Hey Amy, how are you giving advice? Really good for other people. Terrible for me. That's our girl. Okay, great. Andrew, do you have a problem for us? A listener problem? Oh, we do indeed.

Oh, thrilling. I'm sorry about the Pokemon thing. Please never apologize. Please never apologize. Men just love to interrupt three women talking, you know? And I struggle with focus in general. I struggle with focus. No way.

That's delightful. Especially when other people are talking. Go on. Huh? Go on, Andrew. This is from Tea. Hi, tea. Tea says, hi Hogs.

Are you all picturing a teacup? No, I actually have a friend called tea, so I'm picturing them. Okay. What are you picturing? Weirdly, all I thought was testosterone. Oh, yeah. We've all got different references. A little teacup going like, hi you.

I was thinking, gains, gains, gains. All right, go on. I've been a listener since the days to go countdown teasers. That's the very early days of trusty hogs. Whoa. But this is my first time emailing. I don't understand that reference. Remember we did like before we released the first episode,

we had like three like, oh, we'll be starting in like five days or something. Whoa, T is like an OG. Yeah, yeah. Holy shit. I've been listening ever since then, but this email is from December 2023. Wow. Recent. Oh my gosh.

Just for reference T uses they, then, pronouns. Hi, dear. Maybe it's my friend Tee. Wouldn't that be nice? They're like, why haven't you had Amy Matthews on the podcast? Also, just to be clear, the cop I was picturing was also gender neutral. Beautiful. Just so we all know.

Lovely. Very affirming. That was. You're the worst. I was hoping to get your take on something as fellow overthinkers and offspring of sewage, sewage fanatics. Don't know what you mean.

What's happened? So we're just being called overthinkers. An offspring of sewage workers? Yeah, that's right for me. Yeah, the rest. Actually, doesn't say sewage workers, they're sewage fanatics.

My dad likes poo. He works in sewage. I feel like dads like poo. Disagree. Disagree. My dad's a clean freak. Me. Yeah, but you know, you got to get your OCD somewhere.

He's a man of the cloth, he's got to wipe all the time. That doesn't make any sense. Because, like, cloth, and you wipe yourself. At least if you were like, he wears white. If you shake yourself, you're touching cloth. So it's like, he's a man of the cloth. So he's like, a man of the other way. Andrew, he says, there's something in it.

There is. That's good stuff. I think it's not bad. Next. He says, I have ADHD and really struggle to wind down because I just think. For example, I recently traveled to another state and the drinking water tasted really bad. So I began Googling different types of drinking water

to find out why the Melbourne tap water tasted so good. I'll see you soon. It's not my front tea. Okay. And I'm pretty glad we worked that out. And I don't think it's a teacob. We don't know yet. They've just put a little aside here that says,

Can't wait for the fest this year. We should declare a national day of reflection for Helen's hotel incident. I'd even make a pilgrimage to Sydney and drink their presumably inferior water. Thank you for saying that. Wow, that's remarkable stuff. Anyway.

Having learned many things about filtration and catchment systems, I suddenly realized it was 2am. This is not an uncommon occurrence. I can't do mindfulness because my brain wanders off and I have lots of allergies, so I struggle to use nighttime skin routines and things to wind down. Do you have any tips for dealing with intrusive thoughts and or any opinions on tap drinking water as a wizened, as wizened worldly women? Presumably there's an element of familiarity. Anyway, I think they've proved their own point by getting very distracted by tap water. I love that they are, they've committed to. Burn ADHD are through and through.

Yep, yep, yeah, yep, yep. But the point is, how can tea unwind? How can they take their mind off of things? How do they not end up awake at 2am, Googling tap water? I really get it because the water in Ireland just tastes so much better. You can drink it from the tap. Here, it's, and also it means my curls are much better. It's softer.

Same in Scotland, it's much nicer. It is. Here it's much harder, which is why, oh my God, yesterday I spent an hour and the most, honestly, rewarding. I was having a bad mental health day, day, de-scaling my kettle. and guys I haven't been able to find I think I told you about this

Emma I have not been able to find de-scaler A friend Oh lucky Emma Em I think I've already talked to you

about this de-scaler Ha ha ha ha M babe you don't have to answer all the calls Em was de-scaling hers Oh were you de-scaling together

because I tell you what I still can't find it but my friend brought me some from Finnsbury Park and so we de-scaled a kettle for an hour That's such a lady's a Your friend traveled from Finn to be back

Yeah she found it she found oust there And she brought it to me And I used two which fell so luxuriant But I still have one left in the box And you should see the before and after shots of my kettle Oh my god Oh we must

No honestly it's amazing A hierarchy has emerged here That goes tall ships Pokemon decadens Yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep For sure Okay well fine Mike no that is amazing

Sorry you like crunchy D D fine Anyway Oh, there's a filter at the top of it And I don't feel them Okay, sorry, I'm so sorry You have to take the light scout out of your kettle You do, you do, but don't have to travel

Technically you do. You do, you should. I would never refer to it as, okay. But it builds up much faster in London than it ever has in any other city I've lived in and the warder does taste better in Dublin So I really get your obsession But also, in terms of calming down

I think we should ask Amy first. Is it magnesium and calcium that makes it hot? I assume so, because when you Sorry, the chat was getting a bit cool, I've taken it back. No, when you put the acid in, it breaks it down and then, but then it neutralizes. So whatever it is,

neutralizes the acid. So it's why you end up to salt your water. I'll call my dad. No, don't call your dad. He'll know. Just Google. It is calcium and magnesium. Oh, there we go, Don.

Well, Don, well done. You're smart, aren't you good. Let's try him. Well, it's fun because it neutralizes, but then when you put the kettle back on, it reactivates and visits again. Oh, a bit of fun. That is fun.

That is fun. They want to know why tap water tastes different. We know. We know. We know it's, Michael. I'm doing a podcast. Why does tap water taste different in different places? Okay, and what's it like in different mineral content?

Some is surface water from rivers and lakes with higher organic matter in it and colour, and some is good quality of groundwater. Some is from pure Scottish lock. Okay, and what's it like in London? Is it better in London than it is in Ireland? Oh, Oh, it's better regulated in the UK than probably in Ireland Yeah

Sick, thanks for that. Fuck the Irish. Am I right, Dad? Yeah! Yeah! What? We have EU regulations. No, he's just awkwardly laughing with my Irish guy. Thank you, Dad. Bye.

Bye. What the fuck? I can't believe I got to meet the lovely poo man. I was like, yeah. That's outrageous. That's so speculative. Also, fuck the Irish, am I right, dad? Yeah.

The EU regulated surely. Oh, that's outrageous. It's outrageous. Water pollution is way worse. London than in Ireland. Are you high? Is your dad literally high? Is he high?

What are you talking about? I'm sorry, that made me so happy but they were so xenophobic. That was disgusting to watch. I'm sorry you had to witness that. I'm really sorry. My question remains, how do you think T-Ted on wine?

Not to this podcast, obviously. It's difficult, isn't it? Because I am a, oh gosh, I have to have something playing all the time. I'm terrible in silence. and I've had to like exposure therapy myself to silence to stop a constant loop of whatever noise is going on up here. It's like I listen to all sorts constant,

like I listen to ASMR before bed. I have to have a podcast or something on during the day. But I think forcing yourself to be in silence in company is really good because you've got the accountability of having others around you. So you're not like, if you're just sat in your home on your own and you've got silence, you're going to distract yourself. I think there's something about being around others. How do you force your friends to be quiet around you?

How do you do it? Amy, how do I make that happen, Amy? I know what you're doing here. Amy, please tell me. How do you do it? Group meditation, as in like meditation groups. You go to those? I have done, yes.

And Quaker meetings are very good for that. I'm not getting into another cult. I'm not a cult. You just sit there in a thing. Every religion says they're not a cult. Yeah. I'm not doing it. Go on. What else? Just, yeah, being around, mind you saying this, right? Wait, Quaker meetings are just

silent, sorry to interrupt. Yeah, literally. 45 minutes of being in a circle with a group of people and you just sit in quiet and you do whatever you want with that. There's one around the corner and comment garden. Yeah. I genuinely find other people's noises unbearable there.

I miss a phonocist spot, so I'm really funny about like chewing sounds and things like that. But actually it's just, particularly like in the middle of a city, which like, I mean, a lot of the ones I've attended are, there's street noise and stuff, you know, it's not like being in a, you know, vacuum. Okay.

But it's more just like the, it makes you sit and be around others and not on your phone and not stimulating yourself with something, it just makes you sort of zone in on. Oh, that's horrendous. Well, I agree, so in the sense that I got a, I had to get a delayed, train, obviously, from Birmingham to Glasgow last year.

You say you found it and I? No, but a guy sat next to me and I was waiting for him to like get a laptop out or go on his phone or get a book out or a paper. And he sat and looked at the seat in front for about five hours. I remember thinking, if that's peace, I don't want it. Oh my God, fuck that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was going to kill, he was on his way to a kill. I just, he was, he was focusing on the mission at hand, there's no way.

Even then if I was going to kill I'd at least have some fun music Or maybe he was coming from a kill Maybe Because it was honestly The LNER QR code That he just looked Oh no it wouldn't have been LNERA

Avanti West Coast Even worse What the fuck At least LNIR's got a bit of a fun one He wasn't like twitching He just looked at the seat For like north of I think it was between four and five hours

Are you sure he didn't have headphones in Are you sure? Absolutely Yeah. Could you have those hearing aids in, which are really like subtle, but you can actually link them to your Bluetooth, so we could have been listening to something. Not that I could see.

And also you'd hear it probably a little bit as well. Probably. But that's, so that's wild. But as far as T's issue. So drug yourself probably is what I'd say, you know? Well, this is why I was letting Amy enter in advance because I know what we're both going to say. You're going to say weed and I'm going to say melatonin.

What interesting. I think having a low level, quote unquote, non-distracting audio. stimulus helps do that. Rain on a tin roof. That kind of fine. But you need to work out what your flavour is.

Yeah. Because I've done, I find there's a soundscape on YouTube called 1920s Ambient Pub. May I recommend that? I've done the cafe one. It's a certified banger. And it's like, there's a version as well

that's like eight hours. Oh God. I absolutely love and I'm sorry to be that. Like, no. It's very predictable. It's much more traditional than you. guys which is like I love the YouTube spa music really yeah I love it it's that the like massage tracks are nobody should touch me obviously but I nobody wants a massage from an

amateur but I um I strongly recommend I love it it really helps me unwind so I mean background noise I also do background noise and then a podcast where they're on the Alexa the rain on the tin roof whilst I'm reading that's playing and then as I'm going to bed put that on the podcast of the dictators or a murder one. No. So I can drift off to sleep. No. Yeah.

Having it so that you've already set your alarm on your phone and all of that so you're not on your phone before you go to sleep is really good. It's also really good to not have the laptop in bed with you. Like don't be watching something. It's so easy too though. So it's like, oh no screens in the bedroom for sure. Easy hacks to fall asleep, melatonin, which you can get on prescription. in Australia if you're really struggling to sleep

and you're like brains getting too full. I think I got addicted to it for a while though. Then I couldn't sleep without it. Apparently it's not an addictive drug but like I am really careful like only taking it when I need it. Yeah. Also I think particularly if particularly like ADHD brains and stuff

where there needs to be a sort of low level stimulation in order to counter like... Is that what it is? They need to be constantly stimulated. Yeah and like so there's something to do with as well like the ADHD medication, because you know, like it's sort of like, this is very unscientific, but like water down speed, right?

Okay, for focus. Yeah, it stimulates the synapses enough, like they, they, it overstimulates them in a way that means because that's happening, they're not trying to find other stuff to latch on, you know, they're not, so I think if that is the vibe,

it's all very well saying, oh, don't, like, remove distractions, but I think for an ADHD brain that's actually worse, it's going to find stuff anyway. So I think if you, like, tune in to something that is, and sort of different senses as well, because you can get sort of pillow sprays. I also have the mist, yeah.

And it's not like, oh, you're going to smell lavender and it's going to fix your problems, but it's like a, it's a way of stimulating all the receptors available to you to cheat your brain into thinking. How do you know how do you put about? I rabbit hole a lot. I just read and, I will,

Every day's a learning day. Interesting. But then I feel like we're saying things like, it's like if you don't, if your brain doesn't have the capacity to do like a nighttime skin care routine, which is something you cited, I feel like we're just giving you lists of things.

No, that's because they had allergies. And that's only because of allergies. Yeah. And if you can't put a lavender spray on your pillow, by the way, you can get lavender pouches that they just go under your pillow so they won't agitate your skin.

My spray is just essential oil mixed with water because it's very cheap. I actually order. from Avon. What? That sleek pillow miss, I had two aunties who were Avon ladies,

I had too much of it growing up. Our house just smelt like Avon. Honest to God, I used to go and visit my... Avon's still alive and well? I don't know if it is, but I buy it up. It's got high street shops now.

Yeah. Huh? Avon opened up at high street shops. Where? What in the 1999 is happening? In Portsmouth. I'll find out, one second. In Portsmouth.

That's fun. Isn't it? It will open its first retail stores in the UK. We'll open in the future. The High Street's back, baby. What? First in its 137 year history in Sussex. I'm guessing because this is an article from the Argus.

Yeah, there you go. When is it opening? I think they're open now. We must go. Should we go? Should we go? Sussex, like Brighton. Incredible.

Yeah, that's pretty good. I would go. And then we could go to that house. Can you believe there's a world in which an Avon and a Lucian yak have opened up in the same year? That's so funny. Isn't that fun?

That is fun. Something for everyone in Brighton. Something for everyone. Something for everyone. And let's be honest, their mom. Yeah. I don't go visit my dad. No, thank you.

He can tell you all about your shit water. No, thanks. I don't really want to hear us. Oh, hey, Amy. Oh, so Pillomest is the answer there. Good luck with your thoughts. Oh, yeah. Hey, Amy.

You're going on tour. I am going on tour. What's your show called? It's called I Feel Like I'm Made of Spiders. Fantastic. Thank you. What's it about? It's about a very turbulent year.

It's a real laugh. No, it's about this sort of fallout of a turbulent year. And sort of, I think, a quite universal feeling of being caught between, like, restlessness and stability, like craving one or the other. Like, you know, when you get one, you crave the opposite. Yeah, absolutely. And that sort of like pendulum swing between the two. You mad women, were you like? What are you like?

So, yeah, that's what it's about. It was, honestly, I love, I care about that show so much. It was so much fun to do. I really miss doing it every day for The Fringe. I had such a lovely time. So I'm really excited to take it around. Where can people find tickets? They can find tickets either on my website,

amy and Matthewscom, or at Amy F. Matthews on Instagram or the recently deceased Twitter. We'll tag Amy and everything. Of course we will. But like, this is first UK tour for you know? Yes. Where are you going? Where are you excited?

Oh, off the dome. I think I'm going to Newcastle first, which I love. Newcastle, Glasgow, Edinburgh, a couple of dates in Soho. Sick. Bristol, Brighton, Manchester. These are all great locations. My brains are not doing Gildford.

I'm not doing Gilford. I've heard about GILFID. They can find it online. I didn't believe it. but they've heard such I am and I cannot wait to see you there Catherinebowhardt.com so

people can find you on Instagram they can find you on X, they can find you on your website and they can find you at Soho Theater how exciting yes come see me as a group you've made the cut you're invited and they can find you at

I don't know like the VNA or the British Museum or something I'm doing a gig there soon I'm not joking there is a gig on the car imagine sitting on that information for the whole of this episode.

It's only just hit me that that's a thing. Explain everything. Okay, Jasmine Gleason, do you know her? I don't. Lovely comedian. She, this like two years ago now, she was like, right, bear with me. I used to work on the cutie sock, dressed up as a character, and I would like be like, oh, I'm a washerwoman on the cutie sock.

That was like my job, right? And then when she started doing comedy, she was like, oh, I could like put on a gig for the museum and we could do a gig at the museum. the gig is two comedians and then break where they get drinks and to walk around the museum on a guided tour and they come back for the headliner but you're inside of the ship doing the show but it also means that you have to ship to yourself

so I'm available when is it? I am more than having to do it. I'm genuinely as soon as we're done with this I'm going to message Jasmine and be like look I've just got to do this that you have to book this girl that is so fun it pays as well and you get the He was like, I'm paying in myself. I would pay to do the gig.

I have a photo shoot of me on the top of that ship by myself at like midnight. Oh my God. That's absolutely incredible. I love it so much. I've always dreamed about doing a gig in, you know, the old operating theatres.

No, no, not operating theatres. The surgery, you know, people used to do like public surgeries in the early. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to do a gig in one of those. I think it would be really fun. Like people looking down at you. Amy Matthewscom.

She swears It's funny Have a great day Amy Matthews everybody Helen Huge news Is the executive lounge Feeling a little

Fuller to you today Is it? Probably because we've got Another executive producer Yay Thank you thank you Thank you Thank you to Simon Moore

Guy Goodman Mary Fox Annie Turner Sarah Deacon Oliver Jago Anthony Conway Matthew Thomas Madeline Quinn And our new arrival Grace O'Reilly Is that Irish? That's got to be.

Surely. Religious first name, I don't know. Hello. No mind if we do. Hey, thanks so much for joining us guys and thank you for all your support. We genuinely couldn't do it without you. How do you say, thank you again? Gerr of Mahogah.

Gerth Mahogah. Gersh Mugger. Nope. Got further away. But thank you. Thank you. And then also to our producers and the producer lounge.

We got Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bold, Sadie Cashmore, Zoe, Rachel Page, Helen A, Abby, Woff, Luke, Bright, Oh my God, do I need glasses? No, we can't do this now. Dean Mitchell, Anthony, Sophie Chivers, Kerry Soothe, Carrie Soothe, Victoria Hutchinson.

Please, everyone, please, please, please, let me try. Becky Fox, Tim and Dom, Ria Fink, Cordelia, Amy O'Reardon, Matt Sims, Tristan, Tass, Stephanie Katletya, Charlie A, KC, Anthony.

Tass, who just sent us all against? Wait, are there two Anthony's? Haley Worf Worf Voof Clare Owen Jones Harold Van Dyke Which always makes me smile

David Walker Jess and Nick Rachel R Neil Redman Sarah Marley Tina Lindsay Gway or not Leah overend

There's a joke in that I think about it Liz fought like over And like yeah Something with like an ass Maybe Or a boat We'll work it

I'm sure she's never heard it before And definitely gives us her money So that we'll mock her Like she was in school Let us know if you've got a good one for us. Klo, Emily G and Goza. Shut the fuck up. Goza.

Is that like short for Godzilla? No. That can't be. He's just got a film out. He's busy. He's not listening to podcast. But maybe he's flush and he wants to spend it on his favourite podcast. Goza.

Okay. Is Goza, are we thinking like a really fun non-binary person or a lad from Essex who's got a nickname from school that they've never got rid of. And madly into us. Oh yeah, you're right. I'm Gozhe. Oh my god Don't ask why

Oh my gosh So fun Thank you all so much For supporting the podcast We really couldn't do without you Thank you thank you Thank you thank you