Trusty Hogs - Ep121. JACOB HAWLEY / Toast, Tat & Tiramisu

Episode Date: February 15, 2024

We chat tat and tiramisu trauma this week as Helen drops a classic Bauer bombshell and our wonderful guest, Jacob Hawley, inadvertently arrives dressed as a Northern lesbian...FOLLOW JACOB: @JacobHawleyTOUR TICKETS: www.trustyhogs.com/tourThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Deakin / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew Thomas / Madeline Quinne / Grace O'ReillyPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Emily Gee / Dean Michael / Stefanie Catracchia / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Hayley Worf / StephWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Vroom, broom, beep, beep, motherfuckers, we're going on tour. Trusty hogs are going on the road. Roadhogs is coming to you, provided that you live very specifically in, Manchester, Brighton, Edinburgh, Dublin, Bristol, Lester, or London. So, get your tickets.

And we'll see you there. Trustyhugs.com, is it? Vroom, broom, beep, beep, motherfuckerfers. I will not apologise. Hello and welcome to episode 121 of trusty hogs I have decided to start I literally am so annoyed we were trying to get us up really really quickly

so I could do it before you Catherine Bohart arrived three minutes late into the office and then and then please one second proceeded to this talk talk and then was like can I go to the toilet is that allowed can I go to the toilet and then when she did go to the toilet

you've been in there for about four minutes in that time I do this thing where I wash my hands after Anyway, welcome to episode 121 of trusty hogs. My name's Helen Bauer. I was actually early today. This slut's Catherine Bohart. We're going to be talking about our perfect lives

and then we're going to have on a very funny boy, Jacob Hawley, and then we're going to solve your problems and then I guess we're just going to live the rest of our lives. Through the fog, step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give me your problems and they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem

They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh It's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hugs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not If you're a first time listener

You should know the premise of the show Is actually that we are friends It's hard to tell from that intro You were late Oh my goodness me I'm sorry It's so exciting, it's so exciting. I'm always late. You always say this, but you were always early and I'm always late.

I know, but you were like, you had an attitude today. But do you know why it is? Go on, no, because if you're going to tell me a sad story, I'm going to feel so bad now. Oh, no, no, no, it's not. If someone died. No, no, it's not at all. It's actually going to be a knob, which is that, like, I overpack my fucking days every single day. And then I think that if, like, as long as absolutely nothing goes wrong and I don't, for a moment,

need to, like, hydrate or pee, I can get all this done at every possible turn. And then if I get thrown off by three minutes, it wrecks my whole day. and that's bad and I do actually genuinely need to stop doing it because I'm going to die from a heart attack. So what have you done so far for today?

So what times right now is 2.26 and the start time for today by the way was 2.15 which personally I think is a mental time. I agree. Well I woke up at late at 8.15

and I... Late at 815. Yeah because I was meant to go up at 7.30. I know but I have a girlfriend who loves to get up early and I keep telling her that I work nights but she doesn't care or seem to think it matters.

So a pillow over her head. I think I might need you. Killer! It also means like generally we over sleep. If we say we're going to get up at 7.30, we sleep until like 8.15 naturally. That's our like natural waking up time.

But then we wake up like this because we're both perfections. We're late! We're late! And so, um, uh, nightmare. Fun couple. It's a fun couple. We were so fun. I got up, I made some vegetable soup so that we'd have it for the next few days. Yeah, I am sorry.

No, don't be sorry. This is actually quite inspiring. Took the recycling. I did some exercise and then I plowed through some admin. Then I got ready for my pack. to my bag for the Pilates class I'm going to do after this and my makeup for the gig

we're going to do after that and then you're not at that gig What gig are you doing tonight club and then? Oh no, I'm around the corner from you Nice. I'm on the boat. Cute.

And then ran to a meeting with my new acting agent at BBJ. How's that? Pretty fun. Is it fun? Is it fun?

It's so fun. Also, they said I looked young so obviously I was like there's been the greatest day of my life. That's so good. Also, I went to that place. that assayee place whatever it's called

something berry oak berry what is you talking about assayee bowl I know what that is yeah well they do like assayee bowls or smoothies I got literally I feel like I was mugged I paid oh I got robbed last week so you can't say that no you didn't I did

oh really yeah did you yeah how a flat got robbed when we were out what Helen what I keep forgetting yeah I got robbed I got robbed. I lost my laptop. Yeah, but I had to pay 10 pounds and this smoothie wasn't good.

Oh, that's different. Never mind. Forget it. Forget it. Forget it. Wait, sorry. Helen, what? Yeah, I got robbed.

No, sorry. I got robbed. I think it was a listener. Did you get burgundy? I think it was a listener. No, it wasn't. How do we know that? Okay, Helen.

I was talking to a listener in Peckham as it was happening. I reckon they were distracting me. Hello, Sophie, if you're listening. Wait, sorry, are you okay. What happened? No, they stole my laptop. Yeah, but this is also, do you have home insurance? No, God, no.

Who has home insurance? This is what happened. I have not been... Andrew, do you have home insurance? Yeah, me do. Okay. No, no, no. It's still normal.

It's so awful. No, I know it's not. Okay, no, my God. Okay, so... I'm sorry, I know it's not. This is actually really bad. This is really bad. They've taken everything I've got.

Wait. Just a laptop and a phone charger. But that's all I have. A phone charger? A phone charge... Oh, interesting. That's thrown me. I didn't...

Wait a second. Hang on. When you were out, did they break in? In two and a half hours, they broke in, took things and left. What do they take of Soneals? A lot more of Soneals. What we think has happened,

which I did play around with the police with and the, for Emptons guy. The police were a bit confused by us. If you show up in costumes and handcuffs, she's got a roll blow. I think what happened is like, apparently it's super easy to get in people's houses. You just get a piece of plastic

and you just like, though I was upset. I was upset, actually. I know that checks out to be fair. They put plastic through the door and it just slipped through and we've never had like the second. It is all working now.

Helen, so they took a lot of. They can just break in. Let's not upset listeners too much. No, no, this is good. You should know that you're all at risk. If you're listening, you're all at risk. Now, what you have to do, and I ask the police and the community care officer this,

you cannot make your home unrobable, but you can make your home less robberable than your neighbours. That's the only game you're playing. Oh my God, talk to me. Set up your neighbours. So, obviously, deadlocks, deadlocks, deadlocks, deadlocks. Like anything that takes a little bit longer would have to make noise to get in is the key

because anything on a latch even we've got medium security oh by the way locksmiths all of them fucking they know too much and they're too proud of how much they know like this I can show you how I'll get through this just for fun

and I was like no no I'll just show you he loved it it was over the moon I'm emailing myself right now I don't okay so you need a ring light why you need a ring doorbell apparently it's the only thing at the moment that's really put in our thieves is they see that you have a ring light

Like you can film it Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they just think, oh, screw it, we'll just go somewhere without a ringlight. And if your neighbour doesn't have one, even fucking better. You've got to be setting them up the whole time, just constantly setting them up. Isn't that awful? But they went into my room and they grabbed my laptop, which is so annoying because I bought it last year. Oh, Helen, I'm so sorry.

Because, like, do you remember my old laptop hadn't broken, but it was on the fritz? And I was like, I'm going to buy, oh, my God, I was so. And then I lost a job as well. What? It was like a little corporate, not a little corporate job. It was a good, like, the best paying job I had for the next. it's a couple of months and then they pulled the event they pulled the event and I was like oh my fucking god I am still thriving in general though because I think what's good I mean first of all

that's shit yeah but they came into my room they saw all the like cuddly toys and the colors but I think they thought it was a child's room but did you feel weirdly violated I'm so sorry yes I felt violated yeah it's awful why are you saying that you make me feel more violated now oh sorry sorry and also just to check in um was there anything on your laptop that wasn't backed up somewhere else yes all of it Oh, obviously. No, but for example, I'm never going to use a hard drive. I'm never going to back things up. I don't even have to update my laptop,

so I just put everything on Google Drive so that I can get to it from a different. So I have a hard drive with some things on it, which is still there, but like... No scripts or anything that you can't get. Yeah, script's gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I cried.

You had an email them to anyone? Some of them, but not all of them. I'm so annoying. I can hear myself being annoying. I'm doing all the things like your mom does when she's like, where's the last place you left it? And it's like, I don't fucking... Yeah.

And you're doing the, like, Have you not backed it up? Have you not emailed to anyone? It's like, why would you be crying? I'm so sorry. I cried. Fuck, that's awful. Sorry, this was such a sincere, horrible situation.

Yeah, you're not being very kind. No, I really am. I just didn't expect it and I'm sorry. And also it's such a about turn for the podcast that I, I'm sorry. Because I got awed. That's horrible. I know. I was violated.

Whoa. And now we've got a camera on our front door and our back doors. How exciting is that? And last night I came home and said I just installed it. I waved at it, a camera facing two back doors. You know where it goes out to our patio and you can go out from my room or Sonell's room? Yeah. Oh, you've never been allowed in Sonell's room, have you?

I have seen it from the door and didn't want to go in. Okay. Yeah. Oh my God, you will love this. The police officer, the man one, was like, just want to check, was it a messy burglary down here? Or is this how, I'm not shading you, man. I'm not shading you.

Is this how it normally is? And he was like doing hand motions to all of Sonell's piles of crap. And I was like, no, it's how it normally is. And he was like, I'm not dissing him. I just need to know. I just need to know. Because he's like, because you couldn't tell her room had been burgled. Because my room's nice and tidy.

Like really nice and tidy. You're incredibly well organized. But his was like such a tip. And then Saneer was like, this has inspired me to sort out my crap. He didn't. Also, I made the police officer or the pig, should I call him? He, I made him go down to our basement and go through everything. So I thought maybe someone was hiding there.

Because one of my theories, because it wasn't obvious how the robbers came in, was that because next door is having building one. done that one of the builders because you can't trust builders um they um they they built a tunnel down into our basement and they're going to come up and sneak attack us um sorry sorry you know what you're going to one day you're no no don't be sorry because you're going to end up you're going to end up everybody's dad being a voice over for what's that amazing show go don't get done get dom oh yeah we've seen it did dom littlewood yeah yeah so don't littlewood from watch dog yeah yeah the little lad that used to do to buy or not to buy with the guy that

died yes yes yeah yeah yeah and then him any of those words okay yeah dom does a show where people get they get fucked over by like their contractor builder oh like high boy builders yeah yeah exactly and they write to dom slash the BBC and he goes don't get done get dom and he goes and sorts out whoa but that could be you doing the voiceover for it the dream so my concern was that the builders had built a tunnel and they were waiting for us to go out because they can see when we go in and out right and then to come up but we've got upstairs neighbors like we just how would they ever know right i just don't think that your neighbors none of your neighbors would notice a tunnel being but you'd think people would but you don't know and it was one of my theories

so i made the the pig i made the pig go down there and have a look at everything and that was really fun and then um senile i went through like stages of past actually i'm i'm so good and because it's okay it's not technically a crisis because we weren't technically being like we didn't catch anyone rob in our house yeah we came home it took 10 minutes for us to notice and even then because we wanted to watch masters of air have you seen it no but i heard it's good i heard it's good it's so good but only watch it take your giantelli no nothing from the this thing we came home together i wonder if you interrupted them put on but this is the thing we parked right outside our flat so like and there's and you can't go over the back

So like they hadn't Or if one of your neighbours did I wonder if one of your neighbours interrupt to them Start no because both of our neighbours were in and they were like yeah we heard the door closed but we just assumed it was one of you because we're in and out in the evening

and we're like guests coming over but what so we literally like he was like oh do you know watch this and I was like yeah we were sitting down chilling out and I was like oh I'm going to go for a cigarette really quickly before we press play and I went to my room to get my stuff And I was like, oh, that's so weird.

Why is half a phone charger on the floor, like right in the middle of the room? And I was like, did you grab my phone charger before you left? Because I'd already gone out before Samuel had gone out. And he was like, no, what would I touch your phone charger? Okay, yeah. And I was like, he's screaming, he's screaming. Yeah, he's immediately very, he's defensive, which makes me question one of things. Yeah.

And then I'm like, where's my laptop? Because I keep my laptop on my desk, because I'm crazy like that. I now want to work this out for you. I now feel like I should be the detective. This is when you're going to get creeped out, okay? So those two things are gone And nothing else in my room I'm pretty sure they didn't even open a drawer

Now what Sineal thinks that happened to me Is that they saw the toys and thought Oh bless her it's a kid's room Let's leave her alone You think it's just the toys And not the fact that everything's yellow And that there's so many pictures The yellow and the pink and the Diana stuff

Yeah yeah yeah I think they were like oh bless us The Diana stuff You think children have like So then at this point So then at this point Sineal I'm like Sineal I think we've been robbed And he was like oh my God we actually have

Because he'd look down to his room the light was on and he thought when he came home he said that's weird but um he was like oh my god we actually have been robbed because like his room was like I mean it's always fucking disgusting why did my face want to keep laughing I keep going to smile because you're you're a real psychopath no it's stress it's like no it's drama it's not the drama it's because you know it's fine it is the drama you're getting excited because I have drama do you ever have this no I laugh at funerals it's like so inappropriate and my face just I'm like I'm horrified for you and I'm like also my face is like doing the wrong direction it's crazy I'm sorry whenever I have that

I feel awful. Whenever I have bad health updates about anyone in my life and they're like, oh, how's this person? I'm like, yeah. Yeah, they're good. They're like, why are you smiling? I know. It's weird.

It's a stress. You guys are fucking freaks. I'm really sorry. No, we just don't deal well with emotions. I finally got an actual tragedy in my life. So this is very exciting for it. The burglary. Very different to the bus story from.

The bus hit me really hard. I need this to stop. Okay. So they then went into Seneal's room. They didn't go into the living room. fucking touch his DVD pile, which I'm still a bit upset about. Yeah, me too. They could have at least called a few. All the DVDs were there.

Even the doubles? Oh, we've still got Caddyshack on DVD. He's got his new Xbox, wasn't touched, and the PGA golf tour game, and it's like, fucking take that. Yeah, please. Definitely get rid of that. No stress. He goes to his room, he doesn't even check of anything still there. He goes, my tiramisu, runs back up to the living room.

why they would have touched his same place, tastes a different Amaretto Tehramersu. Because he can't handle it. I'm, and by this time, by the way, I'm already on phone with 101. I'm already on the phone with 101.

You're good. Which is the non-emergency police number. I'm waiting. I give all the details. I'm very clear. I'm incredibly articulate. I then say to Saneal, like, you've got to go up

and tell the neighbours and I make sure they're okay. Yeah. While I'm still on hold with the police, we then wait for the police to come over. I'm obviously in shock. and the police like you can't touch anything

or go through anything but like it'd be good if you knew what was taken and like my room it was pretty obvious you could see and then Seeniel's room it was like hard to tell

but he wasn't even checking because he panicked and then he got hungry he's eating at this stage so when we're waiting for the police to come and I'm like I'm having cigarettes but we don't think it was in the kitchen

he made avocado on toast no he didn't he had a full meal before the police arrived what? Isn't that like a really weird trauma response? that's odd man he made avocado on toast no that's not right that's fucking weird right with no

butter no i think there was like a mayonnaisey thing going on some seeds or anything just for like texture no they would have been like a potato waffle he's into potato waffles still as the bread no on like as a sandwich like bread avocado wuffy gosh yeah he calls them waffees quite sweet actually yeah um but like and then i'm he doing a hot sauce I encourage him to do right now I just want to know if there was a hot sauce Okay Like what's the

That's just all so bland Bread, potato, mayo, waffle Avacados It's a weird time to eat It's a crazy time to eat But if you're going to eat Because I we hadn't even You wanted to taste of something

Like to shock you back to life But like I think I was in panic stations And Catherine wants to have a chat with you I'm just passing you over Sineal I'm genuinely sorry that you were burgled That's horrific Thank you

When you began to panic eat The avocado toast Wafi mayo sandwich Did you have a hot sauce in there? I just had avocado on toast No waffle No waffle Oh sorry I was guessing you had waffle

No butter No salt and pepper Just butter On hot toast No hot sauce or salt and pepper all? Well, no, I wanted just to have a quick thing to eat so that I can deal with the police

because we just went burgled. I didn't really want to season stuff. I didn't feel like it was in the mood to season anything. You know what, fair play? That actually now said in your tone makes sense. Can you have a monotone sandwich? If you could, I think it's... Coneil, tell Catherine what they didn't steal

from the fridge? Tell Catherine what? What they didn't steal from the fridge? They didn't touch my... of a suit, thank you. A huge relief. Well, I mean, I guess you would have been able to see their fingerprints in it.

Thanks, Anil. Just like my DVDs here, cheers. Yeah, okay, right, bye. Just immediately didn't touch my either, yeah, cheers. Bye. A monotone sandwich for a monotone man. Good for him.

Crazy, though. Crazy. No, really, really weird. I'd like a flavourless carb, please. And then, like, the police come over and they can smell. that something's just been cooked. Well, obviously they're like,

did they make toast? Are we having strokes? Did you make toast? That's wild. But then they was like, they came, forensics came the next day to try and fingerprint stuff.

The next day, didn't you have to go to sleep in your beds? Our beds, like, they'd gone through stuff but they hadn't been like around the bed. So they grabbed a phone charger

from the side of my bed, but my bed wasn't touched. This is so, this feels opportunistic rather than plan. But this is the thing. But what creeped us out is the things they left. Like, I was more scared that there was, like, an Xbox still there.

And, like, I had out, like, I think I've got a very fancy hair dryer. One of those Dyson ones. Yeah, you do, you do. So I would have grabbed that over a phone charger. A man's not going to know that. That's so weird. I assume it's a man as well. He's going to be like, what is that a car hoover?

Like, you know what I mean? Really? Because I think that's, like, quite. I would say Dyson and I'd picking it up, yeah. I mean, I'm not burgling. I think that's quite an easy reason. If I'm there. it's really sad like I was asking the police

I was like I'm a bit creeped out about the stuff they left sort of like is there any chance they could like this before the locksmiths to not come over and stuff but I was like if it's that easy like could they come back and like blah blah blah and they were like honestly don't ever think it it's really sad it's like they're usually drug addicts but by the time they're doing the robbery

they're already like craving their next hit so they're already in panic mode so it's not even good like I mean it's bad but like they're not doing the best job possible so like you lose a bit but not everything and then they're just gone it's like that quick and then she was like you could probably go buy it tomorrow morning in a shop and i was like i will not recognize it this is the only thing only laptop i've ever owned that's not covered in stickers for fuck i know safe i don't cover it in stickies oh hell and i'm really sorry but i was

so brave right because when when snails saw his life on he didn't oh my god don't do that i scared the life out of me oh my god sorry it's so many that you were busy saying you're so braver than I gasped and then you jumped that's okay you're nervous shh

you're nervous it's okay shh and I had the quality of a drug addict because I'm very uptight and I'm very stressed

about it and you're okay shush hush sweet horse hush hush Helen the horse hush helen the horse Helen I'm going to do

something for you what if you would like to help Helen who has recently been burgled I've lost everything I ever owned

by which we mean a laptop and two phone charges we're just saying if you're ever going to join the patreon this is a good month you just had a tough time you just had a tough time and we're sorry for you had a really tough time gosh wow maybe the insurance will come in from the bus the bus crash fuck you but think is it has to be onwards and upwards now also i had too good a start to the year and also what is a laptop if only somewhere where you put all of your ideas and thought and I think to let that go... And what is comedy, if not a business based on ideas and thoughts?

Yeah, and I think just to let that, to let that gay is actually quite healing. Good. And it's quite good for me. And yeah, sure, Sineal has to come into my room at night and check that everything's locked. And yeah, sure, it's hard not to take it personally that they didn't take any of your clothes or things or trinkets. Like every woman I'd mentioned it to, they're like, they didn't take it. any of your jewelry and I was like they didn't even double look at it. Yeah, what are you talking about?

No, I think they just saw the Claire's accessories sort of like logo and they were like, leave it. Fikes, baby. She's going to have nothing worth it. And I do. I do. I do have a couple of nicer pieces. Okay, what are you trying to get them to come back? Jesus Christ. I do. I have a PS more and I have. It would have been nice of one thing for my wardrobe was missing to know that there was

something that people wanted that wasn't tech. Maybe they're good. Because I have really, I Maybe they're good for pink and red jumpers Maybe they have enough of them Sorry Maybe they have enough pink and red jumpers Do you want to bring on our guest? Please well please

Please welcome to the podcast Jacob Hawley Hi Hi I'm Catherine Beauxhart And I'm going to the Soho Theatre in London For two weeks in March Now wouldn't it be convenient If they were back to back

And I could just tell you the dates Of course it would. They're not. The first one begins the week commencing the 4th of March and the second one after a week's break begins the week commencing

the 18th of March. So early March, late March, where will I be? Soho Theatre, my loves. And I'd love to see you there. The tickets I haven't sold necessarily as fast as I like them to. But listen, there are

some available and I'll be there doing my goddamn best with my new show. That's the debut of my new show. So please come. I'd be thrilled having the audience. The show is called Again with Feel and the earlier you buy your tickets at Soho, the less expensive they are. Thank you so much.

It's me, Helen Bauer, from Jersey Hawks. I just want to say, I'm doing my show one last time in the UK at the Earth in Hackney in London on March 2nd. It's a double bill with Olga Cork. You can see both of us, you can see one of us, come for the whole night. You've got like a little break in between us. to go get some food. It's going to be magical. It's going to be sexy.

And I'd love to see you there. Thank you. I should say, I really love your podcast. You're nice. I really like your podcast. You're nice. Stop recording. I don't imagine I'm the, I don't remember,

I don't imagine you have many listeners who look or sound like me. What do you mean? In what way? I don't imagine there's many fake burberry hoodies in your page. One moment. Have we started? Let me say this It's the compliment No I mean it is a compliment

I don't think you want this I think what you've got is better than this May I say this You don't know what northern lesbians are up to Because let me tell you this Jacob Hawley The answer is Hoddies with a bit of a passion on

No that's the Midlands lesbian It is but I was trying to be broader and nicer Yeah That's a Leicestershire lesbian And to be fair I have, I, you know. I identify as the Leicestershire lesbian. Well, I'm doing the rounds at the moment,

and I did Mike and Vittorio's podcast last week. Yeah. Mike, do you know Mike Rice? Yeah. Is he from Cork? He's Irish, certainly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but he's insistent that I look like a lesbian. Yeah.

What does that, what's the like? It feels like he shouldn't be saying. Like, but I agree. Yeah, yeah. I actually, I've had a few Instagram videos where I have got comments going, you look like a lesbian, is this a lesbian? Is it because you eyelashes? I think, well, I think it's, I think it's, I think it's, I think sometimes when my fringe gets

too long, it does go a bit, kind of a skin fade as well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then also, piercing, and no, no facial hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, little, yeah. It's a thick one. I had, like, a proper thin, players excessively swine. I lost it, and I had to buy, like, a proper, like, plastic pirate one from Argo's doing a place. No, this is great, this is great, this is great. That does look like F. H. H. H. H. H. H. What's it called? You're not not dressed, yeah. Like a teenage boy being like she's the love of my life I'm getting her a necklace Mum, please

Did you have H. Samuel? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Hayes Samuel, yeah. I don't know exactly what you mean. F. Hines is another kind of high street kind of next to Woolworth's jewellery shop where you can get. Always on sale. We're already bonding about cheap jewelry.

We love cheap jewelry, you're in, you're fine. We're able to have you here. I'm happy to be with the house. Jewelry shop, like, pages. Yeah. I thought was like, that's when you know you've made it. If you can buy jewelry from Argos. Did you gift anyone Argos jewellery when you were young?

No, yes, yes. By the way, this feels very like Helen Bauer world. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. High Street jewellery shops. I know you've done a pilot, but if you ever do a series, I imagine there'll be an episode set in a high street jewelry shop.

You having a breakdown about someone not having. I do, okay, I do remember when I was younger thinking it's really lovely to have that, like, best daughter ever, like. I thought I'd love for someone to buy that for me I had the full peridot range because that's my birthstone it's just like a sort of water

watery green it's horrible but you know when you get your birth stone and say like Of course Argos did arrange for the month that you're born so you'd get a little stone in set and a little gold plate oh my god it was the dream

but yeah so I did buy those hideous hideous How are you? I'm alright thank you I bet you bought your mum one that just said mum I bought my dad one and it wasn't one that said dad

Was it a ring that says dad? It was like a really I wanted to get him, sorry I wanted to I wanted to get him a necklace like a thick fake like gold-plated necklace Couldn't afford that

Lesbians do wear it to be there and I'm into it But I got him the bracelet instead Nice Yeah I think that's maybe like The sweetest moments of anyone's life Is when they save up to buy their parents a gift When they're about 10

You know I mean? I think that's like kindness you don't you don't really get kinder than that in life we never did it we would always go to the pound shop for my mom yeah oh what it's like a laugh no no no no that was that was a stuff being like that's what she gets yeah yeah yeah she got a dolphin statue one year from the pound shop no stop it three dolphins swimming in a circle it's just horrible it's just horrible she still got it wasn't she mad about her she still got it yeah she was like what the fuck is this is fucking tat absolutely disgusting i don't want it i don't want it tat is the word

Yeah. Tat is, like pound shop tap, there is a place for it in every house. Do you know what it's good for actually? This is a bit late for Christmas chat. Yeah. Stocking fillers. No, I'd rather not have anything in there. Really?

Put chocolate. I'd rather chocolate bar. Consumables. I'll enjoy it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be delicious. It's bankable. Now, you're...

A silver heart that stands on the... Why? Are you quite tidy? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And are you a very like, if we're not using it, get rid of the house person. Yes.

Whereas I imagine you're a... I'm a hoarder. I mean, you've been robbed. so you got it. The hoardings, the hoardings have been taken. They didn't take any of my stuff. They didn't take the fridge magnet.

They didn't take my collection of toys. I can't believe it. They didn't take any of my bathroom dolls and toys. Huh? Like all my little bathroom goodies I've got. Barthum goodies. Yes, and he'll just got a little cat coming out of a chest of drawers. Like that.

Wow. Yeah. And neither of you own property. Not yet. No, no, no, no. But it's important to get the staples in first. It's interesting because I've got a similar dynamic to you. you two in the sense that I have similarly got...

I feel like I'm going to be offended. Well, no, no, no. I'm saying I'm you. I like stuff. I like... I like stuff. I like things. Nice thing. I like colours. I like object. Whereas I've also got an Irish lady in my life, my fiancé. Is she Irish? She's Irish, yeah. And she's similarly kind of tidy, get it out.

If we're not using it, why do we have it? Merry Condo. You know that? Yes, I know Morgando for sure. If it doesn't spark joy, get rid of that. I cannot stand that woman. But the thing spark joy for me. Joy, joy, joy, joy, joy, joy. Like, obviously I'm going to have lots of stuff.

Also, I've got loads in my life that don't spark joy. I keep them round, because I'm a good guy. Oh, no, I call those as well. What, you call those? Catherine's actually broken up friendships with people before. Could you imagine? Like a sociopath. I was talking to, um, do you know Bella Hull?

Yes. She must have been like this. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she told lots of stories about her hyper-sexed grandma. Am I wrong? Yes, she did. Yeah, I am. Yeah, yeah.

I think she was telling me she's had like a friend breakup. That to me is the most psychopathic thing. Imagine like, I disagree. Ever since she said it to me, I know I get trauma when my mate's like text me out of the movie and like, do you want to go for a beer? I'm like, am I being dumped? Is it the end? Good. Are you taking me to neutral grounds?

They should be, you should be good for each other. And if you're not, bye. I'm trying to break up with a friend and we're about, what, four or five years? You are about five years. Yeah. You try to break it up. I have to invite it to everything. I feel awkward if I don't.

But you don't have to break up with it. Just don't invite it. No, can I just say this? I did try that. I did try what you're describing, which is the like slow backing off. But I'll say this.

Often the person that you were trying to drop as a friend, multiple people are trying to drop as a friend. Because they've got bad vibes. So they're like, it's tricksy to meet up in London. and you're like, no, this is willful. Yeah. And so you sometimes have to be like, hey. So what do you do?

I think what me and Jacob are saying? I'm not happy about it. Fucking madhors. Good to be. Look that, Andrew. Women are mental, madhors. And then me and Jacob just fist bumping. So do you actually say, I'm going to stop seeing you now?

Do you say, like, I think we should stop? Or do you just go, when someone says, can we hang out? You're like, not this time. And then you assume that's the end. No, if you're doing slow back off, I'll be like, oh, I'm busy. Like forever. Yeah, yeah. But if I, if I have to, like, if somebody treated me in a way that made me feel really bad or uncomfortable, I would be like, I would probably say, like, I feel bad when I see you.

I feel bad when I see you. But, like, because you're doing this. And, like, if I thought it was changeable, I would have a conversation as well. Oh, man. But do you ever look at your group of friends and think, I could lose all of these? I went to the zoo for Sunil's 43rd birthday. I saw Instagram stories of that trip, and I felt that. way about some of those people yeah right what is this group what are we doing with our lives

they're lovely people the low point on that truth can i just say by the way this has happened in my life like once twice maybe you're a psychopath i like i don't feel like i don't feel like i don't feel happy about it in both circumstances i wasn't like woohoo i was like fuck i wanted this to be nice she took me for dinner in china town last week i was swam me in china town i was like this is fucking her like even you describing that gave me like kind of like PTSD, like Vietnam flashbacks of being dumped when I was younger. Have you been to Vietnam?

Well, I've been dumped. No, I haven't been dumped to Vietnam. But you know what I mean? Of like, like, girlfriends being like, I don't think we should see it. I'm being like, maybe like I can change. I know, but here's the thing. He's crazy to assume all relationships would work out.

It's crazy to assume all relationships would work out. Why would you assume all friendships? Like, if you have a friend that was for 20 years, like you're not going to always go in the same direction. When you were 12 and a girl said you don't want to go at you, you went to 12. I've said that. I will change.

The lunch hall. I will change my prefrontal cortex or whatever it's called. It still has to grow. I definitely will change. I'm a beat better. I'm a be taller. I'm going to be fined up. I'm going to imagine being dumped in the school canteen and be like, please, please, Melissa, I can change.

You're bringing back. So I've definitely done that. Don't, no, let them sit in it. It's good for you. I just had therapy this morning. You do have to sit with these uncomfortable feelings to work through them. What's just bringing up for you? I'm going to move out of my parents' house

I'll get a job there's loads I mean I'll buy you a bracelet How old would it I'm trying to think Did you go to a mixed school Yeah Yeah

Did you have like See your girlfriends from like Well that's how people have girlfriends Oh I had girlfriends from yeah 11 Like you really said that Like with such confidence But you lost to him like oh I had girlfriends I know I realised I was like

This starts as a very kind of like Yeah I've had girlfriends then the way that sentence ends is and they've dumps me and I've promised to change. Yeah. Well, I'm trying to think of like the worst dumping. I remember, oh good, there was one

and my friends wind me up about this to this day of like, so we had like lockers in our school where you lock your bag of them, like, this is, when you're that age, you can't, like, your whole relationship is just reenacting something you've seen on EastEnders. You don't know what an adult relationship is. That's so true.

You know, do I, do I text you after school? What do I do I mean? Do we kiss goodbye at the school gate? as if we work in an office together. What is it? And my mates found me. She'd broke up with me at lunchtime. I think it was a girl called Hannah Cockle.

Shout out of Hanukkahul. She's now got kids with a guy who was a priest. She's still losing the same time. Some of the best women have kids with men who were on the way to priesthood. Like my mother. Yeah. So my mates found me head down, hands on the lockers, kicking the lockers. Like, bang, bang.

And they're like, what's wrong? Hannah dumped me. And it's like, you live back now and you're like, it doesn't have any practical difference to, like I still went home and had dinner with my parents. Do you know what I mean? It's like, when I was like, head down, be like, no, my life is over.

It's like, what did I think was changing? Nothing, yeah. We just chat at lunchtime. And a lot of time, too nervous to chat. Yeah, but it was your relationship. It was, well, yeah, it meant a lot to me. And, you know, did she do it face to face with you? In real, I think she might have sent her friend Natalie to dump me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got done by a boy on behalf of a boy in the school country. Yeah, oh, man. There's something almost medieval about that of, like, sending someone with a message. Yeah, that's such an envoy. You see, when you see, like, when you're that age and you see one of your, like, girlfriend or boyfriend's friends walking across the playgrounds, do you know what? It's like a death sentence.

It's like me texting, do you be like, want to hang out? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah. Coffee at moon. Yeah, exactly. But there were always people who were so happy to be the messenger. Like, do you remember those people who were like, I'll tell, I'll tell them, I'll tell them. I'll tell him. I'll do it. That was you?

Was that you? Was that you? Was that you? I imagine, because I imagine... I'll break the hard news. Yeah, I can imagine you being the kind of shoulder that someone chooses to kind of go, right, Catherine, I'm having problems with Jacob, you know. You just tell him.

Tell him. I'll tell him if you want. I can imagine you marching across a playground. Well, it's not like I had either other way of talking to boys. Shathing, you're getting a lady on the way. How was your weekend? Yeah, yeah. I've just got up, but I'll come back. Don't go anywhere.

I'm coming away back. It's so funny that you think I was in a mixed school. No, I'm the product of nuns and an all-girls school from the ages of five to 17. No mind if we do. Yeah, it's upsetting. But wait, so you have,

you've managed to lure an Irish woman. How exciting? Yeah, I got one. How did you meet her? Oh, okay. Well, she is, so my best mate is married to her best mate. Oh my God, and they were just like, oh, come on.

Well, yeah, I mean, there was, there was, There was years of kind of like, I mean, I did. I don't know how this has become a podcast episode about how pathetic I am in relationships. No, it's become a pathetic. Catherine is too. How do you happen to all the men on this podcast? Don't worry. It's quite handy, actually.

We've had a bit of an argument this morning so I could do with winning some brownie points. Okay, here we go. All right, how did you win your Irish? So basically, I went to a house party. She was there. It was before we were together. And I was single at the time.

And she was going to work abroad. Yeah. So I snuck off, like we, well, I think everyone kind of knew my fancy there. I think she probably knew my fancy there. I snuck off to a corner shop. Did you wear your best hoodie? I do. Well, I remember what she was wearing.

But I went, I went and bought, like, flowers and a good luck card. From a corner shop? From a corner shop. But she didn't know that. For a man, that's something. Come on. We might have to cut and retry this for the third time. But yeah, and I brought her presents and blah, blah, blah.

And then a few years later, uh, she was, we were both single. and yeah, got together. We had a night where... It is quite sweet, actually. Our way of being like we're going to do something. Like, we were sat arm by arm like that in a pub and we'd fancy each other for ages. I'm mate two together.

I mean, just a little thing we just sort of held hands out of that. Aw, you just held hands underneath. Yeah, it was, it was, yeah, mate. That's so sweet, though. No, but I loved that. I loved that school, like, holding hands with someone on the school coach for an all-9. running in the eyes.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Because you had your hopes over you. Holding fingers. And it's like, yeah. And then we, yeah. So then, so then she's from, uh, Mayo. She's from the west, from Westport.

Yes, gorgeous. Still go, still go back. Do you want to hear a joke? Go on. Okay. I once did an open mic. This is way back when when we first started at, I think it was like Freedom Fridge.

One of the ones at the Rosencrow and Kentish Town, which used to be a pub that had like, I mean, they might still run it, but like open mic basically every night at the week. And you could always get on, but it was just other comedians in the crowd mainly. and there was a guy and like at this point I'd be doing like long enough that we all knew each other it would be someone new every now and again

but in general we were all like a little gang and there was an Irish guy and we were all like a new guy and he has such a fan energy off stage and he was like really fun and we're like oh my god it's exciting we can see something

we haven't heard like a million times this month and he went on and he went hello I already know he didn't but go on I'm from County Mail I know what you're thinking not County Ketchup

up. Fuck. And then he paused. He paused. He paused for an applause break. All the comedians was silent. And I was like, I couldn't breathe. I was like, oh my God.

Oh my God. I was like, you've got it went to so you think you're funny. You've got to win to it now. You've got to win to it now. It was the honestly, the funniest thing I'd ever seen an open mic. And to this day still is. The way you impersonate Irish people, you make them sound like a Simpsons character.

Yeah, exactly. Hello. Hello? Hey, from County Mill. But this one actually was. I know what you're thinking. Not counting ketchup. We weren't thinking it.

No one was thinking it. That's amazing. But I always love a, I know what you're thinking joke. When it's like, no one was ever. It's so rarely what anyone's thinking. Yeah. I remember there was a guy, I don't remember his name. There's a guy who was sort of an open mic around the same time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like a vaguely good looking guy. Yeah. And his thing. Is that such a male compliment? who was like a vaguely good. Not that I find guys attractive. I don't see him in, but I might be on trusty hogs

but I'm fucking straight all right. But he was like sort of super fishyy. Generically. Yeah, yeah. And he would all, like, every gig, he was like, I know what you're thinking, a member of, and then he'd just say like a kind of boy band, but like it would always be a boy band

that are like manufactured because they're good looking, but I know what you're thinking, one direction's walked in the room. And it's like, you're just telling like 20 people that you think you're attractive enough to be in a pop group. Do you know what I mean?

It's such a mad kind of boat. It's such a funny opener. I know what you're thinking. I'm pretty fucking sexy. You can imagine Simon Cowl grouping me up with some other men that look as good as me. I know what you're thinking. Commercially attractive.

I know what you're thinking. Castable. Your cock, my vagina, tonight. Let's move on. That's wild. That's wild. Do you want to go open mic again a little bit?

Do you ever do that? Do you like, there are people like, there are people like who are, you know, professional comedians who still just go and... Can we explain to the listener? An open mic is the kind of comedy gig you start at. You usually have five minutes, max 10. The headliner might have 10 minutes.

And they are everybody trying, often ginging for their first 20 gigs. And it's hard to get an audience. So sometimes the club makes you bring a friend. It's compulsory to bring a friend or else you can play. Other times they make you stay. So you have to watch everybody, which is horrific. And they are all bad.

Go on. No, they're not. all bad. No, but they're bad in like sometimes joyful ways. The best nights of my life have been at open mics. That was some great dictionary corner work. Thank you so much. Thank you. You're, I mean, castable for that show. Get out my way, Susie Depp.

Get out my way. My favourite ones was when it was like 25 people and each one had a bringer with them. So the audience was technically 50. Yeah. So there was a crowd. Do you remember at Comedy Virgins, they also wouldn't tell you what order you were on so you wouldn't leave? And so you had the adrenaline of, like, you're petrified.

You're petrified to go on day. anyway but then it goes on for three hours of like no not me no not me and you're like and everyone's so nervous apart from like one or two people who just don't feel shame do you still do them I've done the like

closing 10 minute spot at open mic so they're local to me and like someone asks like oh hey do you want to come and jump on do new and I'm like yeah if I'm free I will do it if I want to do new material 100% but it's very like I'm not like I want to go back and do the like

going in and signing up my name and like five minutes and everyone's like so intensely nervous and then there's always like there's always like and I'm sorry it is usually a guy who's so bad but like like really holds for applause breaks yeah yeah yeah takes it really seriously and kind of has a kind of I think I think the worst vibe in the world is people at those kind of gigs who kind of walk on stages if the gigs beneath them they're kind of like oh here we go then yes yeah oh right I better shall I bet I better I know what you're thinking should I try to and fucking save this show. There's a guy, I won't name it,

there's a guy who I know who I think had stopped now but was doing those kind of gigs for like a long, long time. And I think, like, some of it is like just not, if you're not that good, you don't progress. But I think a lot of these people

just get really comfortable. Like, I never really made friends of like, it was never like a hangout thing for me when I was doing those gigs. It was very much like I'm doing this because I'm starting out. Did you have kids already when you started? No, no, no.

I remember you when you were like single. My kids only like three. Oh, okay, okay, okay. But like, there was one guy who did it for a long time. And that thing you say is so, so, like, when you described that, I hadn't thought about that in Agen, but that's so potent, that kind of, because a lot of them you don't know when you're going on. So you get this adrenaline rush of like, huh, huh?

And then it's someone else's his name called out. You're like, oh, and if there's 20 people, that's so bad for you. It's horrific. And I saw this guy, like, I think he lives in. And again, I won't say his name, but like, he was doing it for like six years. Yeah. And I remember saying to him like, oh, has it? You still gig and he was like, oh, you know, were you busy?

what was going on. He was like, no, I genuinely gave myself a really bad thyroid condition. I was like, what do you mean? He was like, dude, that thing, the quarters of all over and the kind of, huh, huh, huh, oh. Dude, six years, five nights a week and then getting, like having four beers and a McDonald's afterwards, that will kill you. Yeah, it really will. It's so unhelp. It really will. Oh my God, that's terrifying. It's scary, isn't it? It's so scary. And also, but also, there's another group of person who I do think ends up staying in open mics, not because they're not good enough, not because of, they get comfortable,

but because I would say part of the reason I did so well a comedy early on and I did pretty well pretty quickly was because I'm I worked corporate jobs beforehand so I'm really and I had this personality so I'm really admin oriented so like there wasn't anybody I hadn't emailed and that doesn't mean I was better than the people who didn't email them it just means I emailed and like there definitely are people who were like and I there's a particular girl who was brilliant and whose Instagram I watch because um she looks so happy because she quit and I've got a couple of people that I started with

but I like and they were so so funny but I like I still have them on social media and they're just so fine I have I think that is the most dignified thing yeah to be good and quit yeah yeah yeah yeah and her Twitter's still funny her Twitter is still funny and her pictures are beautiful

she's just having a nice life and she goes on holiday yeah and she goes out to dinner on Fridays we do have to say who it is at the end of this because I do want to know if we've got the same ones fabulous fabulous because we were like new around the same time fab So like our good people with the same good people

Let's do it No, I forgot on Go on Okay fine No I was going to ask Jacob our guest We do You know

Oh yeah sorry Sorry we're just having a chat Sorry Jacob We're telling a conversation I was just to be fair to guys Yes there was always a guy Who was like All right I got this

Yeah yeah To varying degrees of success But there was also always At least one woman Who should have been talking to a professional Thank you That was me at the beginning No I did go through a bit of

I knew I did because I once did a new material night which I'm actually doing again tonight I don't mean you and I came off and I hadn't mentioned mental health literally once and Bobby Mayor who I didn't know that very well at that time went on after me and he went what is this mental health night Bobby Mary yeah I was gonna fucking say he was like perfect so I've got mental health stuff to talk about it came off and I was like I was into my mental health and he went yeah no you were and I was like oh fuck but also do you feel like there's people

and these people like envy the most who do open mic and just like love it because they don't want it as a career. Oh my God, those people blow my mind. They're just happy for the social life and they think it's fun. They like coming up with new jokes and trying them out on stage and like perfecting and fissuring out of the puzzle. They don't need, they don't need to take it any further. Yeah, we're the psychos.

I do think, like my, so I've got a thing called Jake Farrell. I know Jake. I do, I do a podcast with Jake. Plug it. So it's like, well, yeah, the Screen Rock podcast where we, we, uh, anyone who, um, Shout out. Basically, we take a different, like, social media nutter each week and do, like, a kind of, like, deep dive analysis of them.

So we've done, like, Bevo, Big John. I don't know if you know these people are. I know who Bevo is because I watched women my age be like, ha! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, old women watch Bevo for the first time. Really? Yeah.

Be, oh, I mean. Maybe if he had a real name, he'd be fine. And I was like, is that with that girl in my class. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway, to Jake Farrell, amazing comedian. You must have seen, like, great. But, like, he's amazing.

He's got, like, a wife, a happy home life. He's got a good job. Mad. He enjoys working in the third sector, you know, helping people. Yeah. And he just does gigs because he enjoys them. And essentially, he sort of only does gigs that pay a bit of money, and he uses the money to pay for a holiday with him and his wife every year.

That's it. Fuck, that sounds so nice. So healthy. That sounds so nice. It's so, whereas us fucking, like, lunatics. We're like, build an audience, build an audience, make a bigger. This is a career, you know? I like renting a 35.

Yeah. Let me show you the interiors, this girl who quit has. Oh, fuck afterwards, I'll show you. Can I ask you a favour? Yeah. If I need to quit, like, if everyone's like Helen Bow has got to quit, I want you to come across London to tell me. Oh my God, I'd love to.

And I want you to be like, on the bus and the tube and tell people like, I can't talk right now. I can't talk to Helen. Like, I want you to come to me and let me know that we've all. Hey, so I's just talking to the comedian. Yeah. Do you want us a dance? Have you eaten?

It's like take my career out of the best. back and shoot it like take my dreams and kill them please if I'm ever in need I would I I've kind of got a packed with a couple people like that of like if it ever feels bad yeah just just say yeah because I don't trust myself anymore I say that to Saneil all the time like if I ever get like like really like there's a lot of like if I ever get too like wingy or bitter or if I get ungrateful or if I like get like a bit like weird I don't have that because I sort of started that way I was about to say I feel like that every day No

Windy, bitter, ungrateful weird But I told you I had a meeting earlier with my new acting agents And I was like So listen If I ever get too much Botox You gotta tell me Like I don't want to be like not castable Because they're like

Yikes What emotion does she think she's doing Botox jobs Like Nicole Kidman in that one Where she runs a resort I think she maybe You have to be Nicole Before you can get that level of Botox

Do you know what I'm saying? You're like Nicole. You've got the same hairstyle as Mulan Rouge. I'd say career-wise, we're a smidge different. Oh, yeah, no, she's way more successful. Yeah, yeah. Way more, way more. Okay, so look, people write in for advice.

Okay, yes. You're looking at my forehead. It's so funny. Now, well, I was actually just going to ask, have you or would you? Yeah, yeah, have and would. You have? Yeah. Have you?

You don't live like you have. And I mean that, like, it looks very good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my point is if you can ever be like, obviously, I think I would be like. I've had a BBL. Have you? No. Kim Kardashian's taking it out

Did you know that? She never had one She's taking her ass out She never had one No she went on She had an ultrasound on the television She's in one We all watched it

Dude That was real That was a real ass No way Yes If you're gonna come here Come here with facts Look Andrew

God that's really pissed me off Yeah me too It's like yay Do you know her Do you know her No What did you think What's the name

Kanye West New one That's bad Really similar looking I want both of them to be okay and I feel like no one's taking care of either. Yeah. That's what I feel about that.

You know what we were saying about like the sort of comedians that would do open mic gigs? I've got a similar feeling of like who's looking after you? Where's the safeguarding? I really feel like nobody's okay in that scenario. His new wife looks like he's kind of described Kim Kardashian to like an AI machine and they've drawn that. Do you know what they're married?

Yeah, yeah, they're married. I don't know they got married. I just want everyone to be all right. Everyone will be all right, babe. Okay, good. Did not watch Masters of Air though because they were not during World War II. Right. Oh, God, okay.

Only you find that surprising. Okay. I know about World War II, but you've got no idea what they went through in the air. Do you know what happened in the air during World War II? No.

It wasn't. It's not good. They've had a terrible time. I've had a stressful day, so I don't want to know anything about it. Just since you got here? Friends being burnt alive in front of each other. Stop it, Helen.

I need to sleep tonight. Yeah, it's going to be tough. Hey, Jacob, people write in. They tell us their problems. We give them advice. What kind of advice giver are you? You're a dad of two, so you must be pretty good at it.

Well, yeah, I've got a one-year-old and a three-year-old They're not asking me. Well, if you can't solve their problems, my guy, then you're not very good at it. How much advice do you get from your dad? I get nothing from Michael. Oh, I crashed into a parked car. We don't know his fault it is recently,

and he was brilliant. But he did seem like he was waiting for the call. That's not talk about it. He always is. Okay. He was fucking elated. I'm good at advice, yeah. I think I can give good advice.

Yeah? I think so. Yeah, sure, why not? I can, I... Sure, why not. Have I given my mate's advice? Yeah. Do you know what, actually?

I'm, is it going to be relationship stuff? Do you know what the question is? It could be. Okay, I'm very much a kind of cut and dry dumpum. That's 99% of my advice is dumpum. Wow, okay, this is going to be good. Okay, yeah, yeah. Do you want your relationship problem then?

Yes, please. How many problems have you got? Oh, no. Your poor patrons, what's going on with these people? Listen, they see themselves in us. Whatever Andrew says, Jacob has to say dump him, even if it's like my girlfriend permanently. else who wants to get married

still dump him, right? Okay. Okay, let's see. Once I did Control F lesbian in our inbox and we had over a hundred. Those are our girls. They're going to want to know where you got the hoodie, by the way. It's the market, Catherine. Telegram group.

What's that? Do you not know what telegram is? It's like, what's that for criminals? It's like properly encrypted so you can buy anything on it. I can get you a gun. I don't want a guy. Gosh. I would have thought out of all of you.

It's got dark so fast. I would have thought, out of everyone on this show, you got robbed. Why would I want a gun then? Don't get hell in the gun, please. That's a crazy call. Yeah, well, okay, sorry. I mean, I can get you a hood. I've got WhatsApp.

Yeah, I know, but yeah, but WhatsApp, police can get WhatsApp. What? So I shouldn't be saying anything else. No, we shouldn't. Sorry, I've given you such a hard edit after this episode. I love it. Whoa. Well, listen, I'll be in touch if I ever need a gun, my guy.

No, you're not. Or anything else. Okay. No, Catherine. Gosh, no. I don't want you running with his picture. people. Do they sell Botox on there? I've actually got someone who can do Botox for you.

A friend of mine runs a Botox Empire. And we'd love the MoZ-Pic as well. Did you have used to watch Shameless, the TV show on Channel 4? Do you remember Lip? Yeah, the little boy? Well, he was then, yeah. Lip, yeah, yeah. He's a good mate in mine, and he has a Botox Empire now. He has like eight clinics around Manchester.

Slope. So if you do actually ever want Botox, I can sort of go Whoa, that's wicked See, and you thought our audience wouldn't love you You've got the connects guys, we're good I feel more comfortable on this podcast than I do on any Blakey podcast

I'm so much This just felt better Oh, that's so nice It's the calming candle Go on Okay, so this is actually a relationship problem That is sort of, it's a bit of a Post-Mortem relationship problem really

So the dumpings happened Okay When was it sent Andrew? Let's check in uh only uh only about five six months ago so not too bad um this is from a hi ay hey hey hello hey hi trusty hogs love the podcast you're all so funny and really brighten my week

oh here's my listener problem my partner and I bought a house in February but in April he broke up with him here we go here we go we were together for six years and he turned around and escalated from we feel disconnected to our relationship makes me unhappy to let's take time apart or within the space of three days. He's a coward prick.

He didn't share any problems with our relationship prior to this, even when I asked. He told me that he loved me, but he had doubted for two or three months and couldn't ignore how he was feeling anymore. When I pushed him for more of an explanation, he bored his eyes out telling me that nothing made him happy anymore, he felt numb to everything and stopped caring about anything. Oh, gosh. We took two weeks apart with the understanding that he talked to people around him, and if things didn't get better, we take more time and try and fix it.

However, he came back and left me And the life he pushed us to commit to Without trying to fix it He admitted he wasn't sure Ending it would fix how he felt But it's all he could think to do He couldn't even bring himself to take more time And try and make it work

He was scared of getting married Our relationship wasn't exciting anymore And he sometimes said He thought we weren't mentally or physically compatible This is going to be scaring so many listeners Who were just listening to this going to happen to me Jacob doesn't look well to be honest This is fucked up

This is intense Three months later, I now have talked to him again about selling our house. We've barely spoken since, but he has admitted that he's now in therapy. His emotions are a fucking mess, and he's looking to change his job too. So hopefully he's on the mend. None of his family have said anything to me since we broke up. My mental health has obviously been through the floor. I'm consumed by the grief and anger I feel towards him.

I still love him, but I don't think he wants me. I don't know what he wants, or how we could ever fix this. despite him saying that I didn't do anything wrong all I've taken from that is that I'm the problem and I'm not worth trying for No you are Any words of wisdom for a really, really lost hug We'd much appreciated

Please No Andrew would have been great if we'd heard this six months ago Yeah Yo, I was like, I wonder if they're ever going to get back to me Okay Yeah Oh A, that's shitty Fuck

Are they So I Are they always This kind of stuff The advice No Peppy stuff Yeah

Take a bit Oh yeah Wow Your audience finds you How do I plug this For after this Well it's a nice out Isn't it when you're in your room

Yeah yeah Yeah Did I plug your tour now And then Does that make you feel more comfortable I I have Okay

I have been Both the receiver And the giver of that kind of information. Really? Yeah, yeah. I've definitely broke up with someone while saying those kind of things,

not after buying a fucking house with me. But I've also been on the receiving end of it. This is going to sound like a hard thing to say. A lot of the time, I don't think that is what is actually the problem with the person who's doing the dumping. Do you know what I mean? They're scared to say,

or they don't know what's going on. Or they don't know what's going on, but also it's like, obviously sympathetic towards the guy's mental health, glad he's getting therapy, blah, blah, blah. He sounds like a friend. fucking mess man like he sounds like he doesn't know what he wants he sounds like he needs a lot of help and like work on himself now like like it's hard when you like put a deposit down on the house or whatever bought a house but it's like if whoever this a yeah worth more than that

you don't need to be with someone like like like I think I think that's it's kind of what we were saying earlier of that thing of like I can change I can be all right so no you're fucking all right anyway like if if if this I I think sometimes people get really hung up on the idea there's one person for everyone and oh if we're in love we have to be together I guarantee if you lock two people in a room together for five years they'll just fall in no not true I agree Catherine had been here for three years no I think if we were the last two people on earth we'd make a beautiful life together oh 100% you would but but what I mean say is a there will be someone out there for A who loves A who appreciates A and who doesn't

feel like their life's a mess and the easiest thing to change is A yeah I mean if you're at that disposable that the only thing I think the first thing I could think to change is you I feel like that person regardless of when they feel well again and I hope they do doesn't understand you or worth and doesn't understand the ramifications of like the decisions they've made with you it's absolutely like listen it's also I think completely normal to buy a house and then go fuck like we are locked in and it might heighten your sense of stress in a relationship that you don't want to be in but I also think lots of people when they're breaking up with you want not to be the bad guy.

Yeah, that's exactly it. And they go to a place of like hyper anguish, which they may well feel, but is not appropriate for you because what they're doing to you is also bad and unfair. They're allowed to break up with you, of course, but I mean like in terms of the ramifications for you, they're huge.

I hope to goodness that six months after you've written this, you don't want to be with this guy who doesn't know how important you are. Because to be like, you're the only thing I could think to do. I'm like, do you have the internet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, like, change jobs before.

Get a session on, get some therapy or admit you maybe don't want to be in the relationship. Because I bet A's trust is now gone because, like, for someone to go along with, like, six years of a relationship, obviously people's, like, feelings do change, like, to be in the process of having bought a house and then to change your mind. And not to mention that you have, yikes. Yeah, and the whole thing of, like, he's felt that way for months, but hasn't said it. It's like, well, that's kind of a red flag in itself. Yeah. Like, if someone's capable of, like, having some kind of, like, ill feeling towards you and not saying anything for months, even in, like, this dynamic of, like, working together,

you'd be a bit, like, if you've got an issue, just fucking say it. Yeah, like, we can work it out. She was late today. Yeah, well. Three minutes. It was three minutes. And I didn't say anything. Yeah, I raised it.

Yeah, I raised it. Oh, she raised it. She walked and I went, you're late, and we both deserve an apology. And you're not, you're not buying a house together, and you're not. No, why? Neither of us can afford it. But, but that, I think. think that's also a generational thing and feeling like i think years ago you know if you bought a house

for someone you'd be like well fuck it we'll just sell it or you know i'll just take the house whereas now i i think because houses feel like that feels like a bigger contract than having kids together you know i mean yeah and so it's like so hard to let go of that but i don't know you sell the house be all right but you know i had a friend who had this exact situation yeah of like breaking up with someone after they'd bought there was like a new build that was being built for them oh god do you know what i mean they'd like picked the kitchen picked the pain picked everything and then they broke up. It's like, sell it, move on.

You'd be alright, wouldn't you? Yeah, you will. You really will. You will be all right. It'll be better because you'll be with someone that isn't having these doubts and like someone that you can communicate with. And also like, there's no, what was the last thing was like, how do I fix this?

There's no fixing this. Yeah, how do I learn to trust again? How do I sort of get over those feelings of that I'm not worth trying for? But then you look at like trust is such a tricky thing. Like if you watch the fox in the house, that Disney film like how does Todd learn to trust copper when he knows that copper's a killing dog

but you know they do learn to love each other and have trust because there's a fox and a hound too trust yourself yeah trust yourself enough to get through this other people have you can do it if a hunting dog and a fox can become friends right yeah yeah yeah yeah no back there is it perspective wise that was fast

that's turning around gosh I've seen videos of ducklings who are best friends with elephants that's mental but also let's just take out the underpinning presumption that people will be together forever and go, what was gorgeous about it that you can take away? Because it's easy to be like, here's all the bad stuff. There will have been good stuff and that'll... This is very merry condo of you.

Sorry, sorry, throw away the bad, take the good and trust yourself. Thank God you're not with this guy. Yeah, I will say... How much have you had a kid? Oh, God, yes. A healthy brain in the future. Obviously, yes. It's clearly very mentally unwell and I think I can relate to two things in this.

Number one, like, just feeling like, just feeling like, like something will fix it like moving into a house together or committing to it'll just like sort you out like at the moment i'm trying to move out my parents house and i'm like oh i'll just everything will come in uh and it will sort itself out once i'll be perfect once yeah two years ago i got a blender because i thought i'd be a suit person exactly you know we all we all make sort of decisions thinking it will change things so um i can understand perhaps why he thought that that maybe would rush through and fix things but also that feeling of like wanting to opt out of everything in your life it's very it's you just feel like so lost and empty and it's not personal as to somebody who's

so in their own head and like so introspective that it's it's not about you at all it's not about you that's so true i do think depression as crap as it is it also makes you behave i've it is a selfish state because you're it's so all-consuming and not an intentionally selfish one but i think it is self-absorbed in its nature because it makes everything else seem dull and unimportant so it's definitely not about you and is about a brain depression is interesting though because i felt depressed on friday didn't want to go do the gig but i did it came home no no what oh so it could it could always be worse as you it could always be worse that's your takeaway yeah wow wow at least you're not been robbed yeah because that is annoying yet is the message

that Helen wants to send. Oh, everyone gets robbed at some point in their lifetime something to look forward to if you haven't already. Gosh, hey Jacob. Here you have a tour, man. Wow.

I assume this is the formula that you end on advice and then someone plugs. Well, let's just do a little bit something chipper, which is that my favourite thing about Jacob is that while he is here because I'm sure he likes the podcast

and likes us, In truth, you were here as an Andrew White fan. Yeah. I love Andrew White. He even told me outside. Tell me why. What do you mean? That was insane.

What would I love me? Tell me why. Dude, I love Andrew White. It was because it might be something uplifting before we go to your podcast. I'm a massive fan of your stand-up. I think you're an amazing comedian. I think you're so funny. I think you're an amazing writer.

He writes so much as well. I think he's so funny. And I think he's a very unique comedian. And I really like him. And I really like watching him. For me, too. And I send clips of yours to my mate, my website. Oh, really?

Thank you so much. And they liked it as well. Oh, my guys, wasn't it? Blom a kiss, blow my kiss. I'm not doing, that's bad. Blomacusk, come back. I knew I'd feel uncomfortable at some point in this podcast. There is.

There we go. Give me a wave. Thank you, Amy. That's so nice. So I like how Helen really had to work her way down what sort of level of sincerity we were willing to do. Yeah, yeah. I'll wave. I won't play.

I was feeling like a mom with a baby. be like, go on give them away. Blame a kiss, blow my kiss. It's really like coaching the autistic dad to show some affection. Come on, come on, say you loving. And she's good at it. Come on, daddy, please. Learn my middle name.

Look at me in the eye, Michael, your piece of shit. Oh, Michael. Thank you. Right. I'm on tour, yes. I'm on tour. I've had to delay the tour. Right.

I had some health stuff. Oh, I'm sorry. No, that's all right. Yeah, I've got a heart condition. What kind? I don't know yet. My heart monitors getting fitted on Thursday. A hole or arrhythmia?

Do you have any idea? Not a hole because they've looked at it and it actually looks all right. But it's really slow. Like it drops below 40 BPM, which is like, it's like Mo Farrah's heart. Do you know what I mean? Stop. Yeah. I just had this thing while I was collapsing a lot and then went to hospital.

Jacob's on a ward. Yeah, I'm fine. Like I should say, I'm okay. You have to go see him on tour because this might be your last round. Yeah, well, this is it. My last trip around the provinces. Please see a sick man before he says goodbye. Let's worth

It's like Bob Dylan You know like every time Like Bob Dylan just tours Until he's basically on a non-stop tour Until he's dead And every time you're like This is the last time I'm gonna get him to see tangled up in blue

By the yeah By the way what is this podcast today So far we've been like Helen's been robbed So if you'd like to donate to the Patreon Jacob's on tour And he has a weak little heart He does

Little Tiny Tim needs you to come see him on tour If you want to feed my children After I go No stop it Are they gonna do that thing Where they inject something in And then they watch it going around the Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah, they'll put dye in me. Did you, could you taste it? Was it one of those ones? I haven't done it. Do you get to pick the colour? I think it has to be purple. Oh, shame. That's right.

No, that's fine. Yeah, listen. Could be worse. You do, you do lots of Anthony Nolan donations and stuff, don't you? On a more positive medical note. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? You know, the charity Anthony Nolan.

They do, like, stem cell transplants for cancer patients. Okay. So I did one of those four years ago, saved a life. Oh, that's so cool. And now I'm like a kind of ambassador for the charity. great and now you've got a heart problem nothing's fair no mate yeah

bad things happen to give here that should be the name of our podcast they do they true I too have lost the laptop but wait what's your tour called tour is called space it now starts in the middle of March

in Brighton that's not a place to start I was going to start in Maidenhead and I'm delighted I'm starting in Brighton I love Maidenhead do you I never see you you're your fleet aren't you Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, gorgeous.

It's great. But yeah, so starting March, runs... I think I'm just going to keep going, to be honest. I've got, like, a big London one in June. Park theatre. Gorgeous. In Pittsburgh Park. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've been there, it's lovely. Yeah, it's nice, isn't it? Do that, and then I might do a bit of Edinburgh, and then I'll do more at the rest of the year. So, yeah, Jacob Hawley on Instagram. Nice. I'd love to have some hogs. Would not be so nice? It would, so be honest you, I do a lot of football stuff on Instagram,

and I've got a lot of thugs coming. And I'd love to, I'd love to, like, nice guys, but real scum. Don't put our hogs at risk. No, there's safe seating for the hogs. I promise, I'll make a nice little enclosure. Will you block out a little stye? Yeah, yeah, little style with their patterned hoodies and their short haircuts. The hogs, hogs, hugs, hugs, that'd be amazing.

Oh my gosh, Jacob, we wish you well on the tour. We hope your heart gets better. Yes, yes, take care of that. That's very important. Yeah, it'll be okay. And also, your Irish wife has a skin care line. Fiance. Yeah, how'd you know about that?

You told me. I didn't tell you, sorry, yeah, yeah, yeah. Be mad if I was just, like, doing research and I was like, wow. Any women who get hormonal skin, she should be fucking paying me for this. Baby mama botanics, look it up. Because your skin changes loads when you have babies, apparently. It does. My cousin just got a dent in her head.

She woke up, and there's a bit of a skull missing. No way. We can't fix that. We haven't got a scene. Not a big bit of a skull. It's good stuff, but we can. Shout out Sophie, by the way. Ted's Sophie.

She woke up like a big chunk. missing of her skull. Does your wife, does your fiancé have something for that? Alama, help us out. We'll try and fill her up. Please, my cousin's lost some skull.

Send her to Holloway. We're trying to fix her. Yeah, baby mama botanics, organic serum's lovely stuff. I love series. That's very nice. We'll have a little look around. How exciting.

But for now, the tour, space, Jacob Hawley, and they can find you on Instagram, TikTok, the dark web. Mainly Instagram, yeah. Thanks, folks. A pleasure.

Jacob Hawley, Thank you very much. Helen, huge news. Is the executive lounge feeling a little fuller to you today? Is it? Probably, because we've got another executive purchaser. Yay! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you to Simon Moore, Guy Goodman, Mary Fox, Annie Turner, Sarah Deacon, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Matthew, Thomas, Madeline, Quinn, and our new arrival, Grace O'Reilly. Is that Irish? That's got to be, surely. Religious first name, I don't know. No, mind if we do.

Hey, thanks so much for joining us guys And thank you for all your support We genuinely couldn't do it without you And then also to our producers And the producer lounge We got Richard Bicknell, L Richard Bold Sadie Cashmore, Zoe

Rachel Page, Helen A Abbey Warfleuk, Bright, Kate Oh my God, do I need glasses? No, we can't do this now. Dean Mitchell, Anthony, Sophie Chivers Carrie Soothe, Carrie Soothee Victoria Hutchinson Please everyone, please, please, please

Let me try Becky Fox, Tim and Dom, Ria Fink, Cordelia, Amy O'Reardon, Matt Sims, Tristan, Tass, Stephanie Katratia, Charlie A, KC, Anthony. Tass, who just sent us all against? Wait, are there two Anthony's? Anthony's so good, he gets thanked twice. I will fix that, apologies. No, no, Anthony, you get two shoutouts.

Congrats. Haley, Worf, Worf, Vef. Claire Owen Jones, Harold Van Dyke, which always makes me smile. David Walker, Jess and Nick, Rachel R, Neil Redmond, Sarah Marley, Tina, Lindsay, Guay or Marsh, Leah, Overend, there's a joke in that, I'll think about it, Liz Ford, like, over and like, yeah, something with like an ass, maybe, or a boat, we'll work it. I'm sure she's never heard it before and definitely gives us her money so that we'll mock her like she was in school. Leah, let us know if you've got a good one for us. Clow, Emily G.

Oh my gosh, so fun. Thank you all so much for supporting the podcast. the podcast we really couldn't do without you. If you're thinking of ways to spend your money that might help people in the arts, then please support our podcast on Patreon. And also, you can give very little, you can give three quid a month,

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Sexually. What? my degree online at Arizona State University. I chose to get my degree at ASU because I knew that I'd get a quality education, they were recognized for excellence, and that I would be prepared for the workforce upon graduating. To be associated with ASU, both as a student and alum, it makes me extremely proud and having experienced the program,

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