Trusty Hogs - Ep123. FATIHA EL-GHORRI / Pranks, Pain & the Periodic Table

Episode Date: February 29, 2024

Alison Spittle takes up the co-host chair this week to cover for the ITV2-bound Catherine. Meanwhile, we welcome the brilliantly funny Fatiha El-Ghorri to chat seagulls, bogeys, and fighting other comedians...FOLLOW FATIHA: @Fatiha.ElGhorriTOUR TICKETS: www.trustyhogs.com/tourThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Deakin / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew Thomas / Madeline Quinne / Grace O'ReillyPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Emily Gee / Dean Michael / Stefanie Catracchia / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Hayley Worf / Aussie StephWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school deliciously with Whole Foods Market. Wake up with low-priced 365 by Whole Foods Market protein waffles and breakfast burritos. Prep lunch boxes quickly with 365 brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit, and more. And look for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken breasts that make meal prep a breeze. Shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market, in store and online. Welcome to episode 123 of Trusty Hoggs. Catherine Boehart is filming. She's filming.

We've replaced her. We don't want her here. She's got a bad energy. And quite frankly, I don't think you should be allowed to walk around with that redder hair in this country. That's for the Irish. That's for the Scottish. Not for England. It's Trusty Hogs with Helen Bauer and Alison Spittal.

Poo! Poo! Poo! Through the fog. Step Fong. The trusty hogs Yeah You're gonna give them your problems

And they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh It's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hogs

Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not Too hot for TV That's what I am ITV2 specifically She's going to say what she's doing ITV2 She's going to be on ITV2

The Lord's channel I actually love ITV2 Do you? Have you been on ITV2? No, I've never been on ITV2 You didn't even do Hey Tracy No! No, I did not

but I've seen Hay Tracy No you have no one's seen Hay Tracy Were you on Hay Tracy? Yeah, I went on Hay Tracy But you got very Hay Tracy energy Like I feel like That feels insulting No

Wait Just to check We're talking about the panel show With Donna Preston With Donna Preston, yes And she is Tracy Tracy who's a robot From Wiggin

Yeah Who's the other presenter? Joel Domit Oh my God Joel Domit and Donna Preston This is before the Masked singer Right And you go on it

And the job is to make prank calls To find answers to questions That honestly you know the answer to But who even answers their phone anymore? Businesses. Businesses. So they'll be like, you need to find out what cheese killed this person on this soap. Okay.

And then you have to be like, what do you want to call a cheese shop, a soap magazine, or an actor from the north? Because it's like Coronation Street. And then you'll be like, okay, yeah, you'll see soap magazine. Yeah, obviously. But they're like, ITV2s are like, that's not funny enough. You've got to call a cheese shop. right so then you prank call which is my what I I hate prank calling have you ever prank phone calls yeah when I was younger in the booth yeah of course I had a second cousin that was babysitting me

and she pranked a guy it was like 11 o'clock at night I was about eight and she was like do want to come out for a fuck and the guy was like wait what and I was like ah ha ha ha ha ha and then this guy's like yur he was like and then she like she told him to go go and like this he lived a town away and she told him to go outside the Tescos and wait for her there and then like he rang her and he's like I'm outside the Tesco's where are you and then she did this big elaborate thing about pulling a tampon out of herself and I'm like hey and she's like improv and this and it's like South Park and I'm like ah ha ha ha ha anyway she's doing well um okay we we did call um like a teenage sex line oh great I think it's my cousin's

No, wait, wait. Teenage sex sign as in like what? Like, we're talking help with sex or, okay. Or like, I'm pregnant, I don't know what to do. Not like, I'm a teenager and I want to have phone sex. I'm a teenager and I want to fuck. Can you help me with that? I just thought I'd call a little charity and just see if you can help me fucking because I'm not getting no action.

But our pranks in fleet were terrible. Like, I remember going to Ellie Salter's house once. And I have no idea why I thought this would be good idea or funny. Yes. I called a local supermarket. Yeah. Probably a waitrose, northeast Hampshire. And I asked how many products they had in stock.

Just all products. That was the prank. Wow. And then I was like, they were like, why? And I was like, it's for a school project. They went, oh, okay, we'll go find out. And then they told me, and I went, thank you very much, and hung up. And we were like, oh.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. But I hate prank calls. I used to prank call Childline as a kid. I always wanted to do that, but I never had the guts because I was so. so sure it was linked to the police. No, because, like, they can't hang up on you no matter what. So I would, I would prank phone called him.

I would be like, hello, I'm George Bush. And they'd be like, what? George Bush. I pretend. Well, 9-11 was big at the time. Yeah, no, it's still big now, yeah. It's not going out of fashion, I say. Yeah, it was quite the rage.

So 2001, let's say October, you've given it a month. You were just prank calling child line and saying it's George Bush. But eventually it'd stay on long enough that I'd tell them about my actual problems. Oh, that's got, oh, my God. Okay, this is a pranking. This is someone who's nervous. Do you think so? Yes.

Oh, my God. You think I was like role-playing as George Bush before we did that I'm good. But I think that's a trauma response. I'm being bullied. This is my 9-11. The Supreme Court ain't being nice to me. I went on a saddle rant with Tony Blair. This is a real throwback.

That is. Can this count as satirical if we're like 20 years out of date? Radio 4 right now. This is us. I'm not Radio 4. or I'm ITV too. Okay, so you have to pull up. What do you think you're spiritually most, like, channel-wise?

What's my channel? Yeah, what is your channel? I'm going to try and think. TLC. Yeah, yeah, I can see that. It's TLC, or it would have been E entertainment back in the day where it was Cribs and my super sweet 16, like that era. I love that.

Like, not actual music. What'd you mean? Like, when it wasn't music on E or like MTV, it was just sort of like shows like really rich people. Oh yeah. Jersey Shore was after my time. Really?

I feel like I wasn't living at home anymore and I had no TV. Right. What about like, so are you talking about like the daughter of Tommy Hilfiger? Who's the daughter of Tommy Hilfiger? There was some reality series in the daughter of Tommy Hilfiger on MTV.

I think it was like poor little rich girls or something like that. No, but I would have loved that. Yeah. I watched the Hulk Hogan family one. Oh fuck. That was like the House of Hogan, was it called? I think half of them are.

dead now aren't they? No! I think I think like... Who? Brooke, Nick, Linda? I think the son. I'm nearly sure. Nick died? I'll Google it if we could Google it. No, Andrew will check it but this will be devastating. He'll be so young. Nick, no, Nick Hogan is still alive. Oh, shit. And the show was Rich Girls, MTV's Rich Girls. Thank you. With Ali Hilfiger. Who's dead?

I think all... Do you wish to Google who's dead? Can we have a list of everyone who's died since 2000? Yeah, please. Anyway, please watch Hey Tracy on ITV2. You make prank calls and you win prizes for what they referred to as a normal person, which is a non-celebrity, and celebrity was a real push. And they had...

But you're like paying rent. Wait, yeah. Yeah. But then you have to win money for the normal person. So the normal person I was playing against, the team that's playing against, she needed money. No, he needed money because his baby was about to be born and him and his partner had nothing.

thing and they needed to raise money for the baby. And then the team I was playing for was for a girl who wanted to go on holiday with her mates. And she won. Oh no. How awful is that? Oh no. Oh my God, it's awful.

Holy moly. Anyway, Catherine's going to be on ITV too. Yes. And Alison has limped, I mean limped into town to do this. What's happened? My leg has changed colour. So I think that's bad. But it's, all right, I've seen it.

Yeah. It's gone from. white to red, but it's not sunburn. No, it's not sunburn. But it's not a bruise. I think I broke my leg. I think I googled it. I thought it was like a bone bruise.

That's what I was told. Wait, what's the bone bruise? That doesn't feel right. It's a bruising of the bone. Oh. It's like a, it's like, but I'm, so what happened was I was supporting Josh Jones on tour. Shout out, Josh Jones. The train came to the platform and we were running down the stairs and was beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

And I dived into the, I dived into the train. But I dived in the way a seal would dive onto land and I just flopped myself onto the floor, crushing my shin against the hard bit of the door. And then I'm like flopping my way forward more because I was just doing. I was standing over me. Starting over me. Fucking men in comedy.

Men in comedy. Men in comedy. And just to check, did you have to seal flop? There was no other option. What do you mean? Like, I'm just, I'm not to be a bitch. Yeah, okay, you lost your balance, but there's like, there's, the trains from Reading to London are so regular.

Yeah. There's no way there wasn't an option within 10 minutes. I really wanted to watch the traitors. Okay. I was like, I wanted to get home and watch the traitors. I got it, I got it. Before any spoilers. Okay.

So, yeah. I had no choice. I had to break my leg. But it was fine immediately. No. No, it was really, really sore. Really sore. And then I got home and then it kind of like, wasn't that painful.

But then this week, I went to a wedding and I went to Leicester and I went to a sauna and I feel at... Wait, I saw you going to Leicester you were in that queue at King's Cross on a broken leg?

Yeah, but I think I broke my leg in Leicester or something because the next morning I woke up in incredible pain and then I thought I'd sleep and then like yesterday do you ever watch I'm just like that and just like that?

What the fuck's that? It's the Sex and the City reboot. Okay, no, but I've never watched sex in the city because I just figure in my life at some point I'm going to get divorced and I'll need it. Yeah, yeah, it's wonderful. Well, there's a bit in Sex in the City where Sarah Jackson Parker's character pisses herself because she's destroyed her hip

and that nearly happened to me. That nearly happened. Because I think when you have an injury, your hygiene just goes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You have no ability to wash or take care of yourself. Oh, no, I hose myself down like a, like an animal. Like an animal. Like an elephant, like literally, like...

Like an elephant. Like, there's gapier students coming over and spraying you with buckets. Marmite toast. And like, pointing a hose towards my... But you can't stand in the shower. And like, for me, I mean, our bathtub at home, you've got to get up and over into it. Yeah. And whenever I've hurt myself at home, like, Sunil's not going to help me.

No, no, no, no. And I refuse to use baby wipes because of the fatburg. I'm not adding to that. My boyfriend is in Ireland as well. No. So I don't even have... He's coming home tomorrow. We're supposed to spend Valentine's Day in Croydon, and...

Wait, what? Well, like a romantic getaway. Oh, no way, you put to hotel in Croydon? Yeah, the premiere in. Shut the... Everything's premiere about the price. Oh, I know. It was going to be wonderful.

That sounds so romantic. Because my older flatmate has a girlfriend, too, and I was like, what are you doing for Valentine's Day? So we thought if we'd go in a hotel. But now I don't know if I'm able to go. So I'm going to ruin... No, no, you're not ruining anything if you're injured. No, no, no, no, if you're injured.

We could also get you, you live so close to me, we could put you in a stretcher and get you down to mine. And me and Soneel can serve you too. We could be your waiters for the night. I'd that be wonderful. I mean, I am doing 99 Club, but I'll come after that. I must, I must. You must.

Get Marks and Spencer's meal for two. Get me some like, what would you do? See, this is why I want to talk to your back. I don't know. So you haven't gone to the hospital yet. No, not yet. Because I want to do trusty hugs. That's so sweet, but so fucked up.

I know. I pull this for random things. I was thinking it'd be very hard for you to find a replacement, like, within, you know. I can talk by myself. It wouldn't have been good. No, no, no, no. But which, what are your favourite A&E is in London? I never, oh, I've been to.

Or for American listeners, ER. ER. E.R. Emergency rooms. Is Winchester the place near Bognor Regis? What? Winchester's in Hampshire. On the coast, there's a Chester. Chichester.

Chichester, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've been to that one. And that was a nice one. What were you doing there? My sister got her tape ripped off by, by archery. Wait, but we don't know she's okay yet. Don't laugh yet because I've done this before. Your sister had what happened to her tear?

It got ripped off. She had a piercing and she wasn't wearing a bra and she was doing archery. And she got a bit cocky and it went straight across her chest. Yeah, you can laugh. Yeah, you can laugh. Wait, so she had a nipple piercing and then she pulled out a bow for the arrow and then it hit. cross her chest and it ripped out her tip. We must remember to be careful

if we're doing archery with nipple piercings. And what was funny was the guy who was doing the archery was like, that's never happened before. Such a quick way that I was like, that definitely has happened before. That's happening all the fun. It's never happened before, I've never seen it. So I'm like crawling along the ground

looking for her piercing. But did the nipple come off? Yeah, no, she lifted up her top. It was like tip matter. Oh no. She just had no. She'd be so gutted to lose a nipple. I know.

Like I'd rather break a leg than lose a nipple Because I think that's just such a big thing And sensitivity-wise And she's got incredible tits Oh man I'm actually still good The girth is still there I imagine Yeah

What is just like yeah She's got lovely She's like a bee But they're just lovely shapes But really nice and up And like my nipples are really weird My tits look like dog ears You know what I mean

Well like long and flat Yeah And they just go Blu-Luh Mine are like bulbous But they are going south But I've got really big nipples.

How big? Like, to the point where from the age of 14, I cannot fathom how a baby could latch onto it. Oh my God. What is up with this baby's mouth if it's able to cap? Because it's like, you know, when you grew up, you always think that the milk just comes out the middle. Yes.

But it doesn't. It doesn't. No. I didn't know this. It's a pad. Wait, like a shower head. Yeah, like a shower head. Oh my God.

It's like expresses several holes. Wow Andrew's nodding like Yes I breastfeed regularly You're nipples right Lindsay Santoro's got a bit about this Oh yeah Yeah yeah

Is it about how it sprays? So baby For me Let's say nipple is like Okay so for the benefit of the listener I'm going to say Not my palm The top of this mug

Well let's do a biscuit Is it like the size of rich tea A hubnob A mini gem or a jammy dad It's not a mini gem That'll be fucking mental A mini gem is accessible for a baby baby can suck on mini jem

it's like okay imagine your nipples were really small I've seen them really I've seen people with like really reasonably sight like tiny nipples what you mean recently size like to the point where I'm like yeah

baby can suck on that no stress mine's gonna drown an infant well you're gonna waterboard your own baby right imagine you're trying to drink out of a shower head but the rest of it's just going in your eye my baby's gonna have ears full of milk so I don't know But or nature just covers you

And like I will just give birth To the biggest mouthed little girls ever Amazing I'll just come out like Hello Ha ha ha! Mama! But they're going to have to full mouth latch onto me

Oh wow They're not going to go No But I've also never had it Oh I feel weird about the piercing thing Yeah Well I'd never realise how many people Like we got a taxi to the A&E

And the guy Yeah you would wouldn't you That's not a gown of bus No nipple. No, no, no. And the dude is like, the dude who is driving

and I have 65 piercings and he talked to... Why is he telling you? Because like she's bleeding out of her tits and like it's a hard thing as well like if you're getting a taxi and you're bleeding you have to create a bit of a rapport

so that you know what I mean so they'll get done for soilage being in a taxi going to the hospital like you know that they want to ask yeah yeah you have to tell them but you know what I love is that my sister like because we had a bottomless brunch in the next day, we spent like eight hours in Chichester, A&E,

and they basically said, just sound a bit, antibiotics, we can't stitch it because it's just ripped in such a... The people in A&E were like, is this a laceration? We don't even know, because the laceration means going inwards. This has come outwards. And they've never seen anything like it before. And then... Well, they were quite an exciting day for them, I guess.

Oh, they were like, they were bringing in people. Yeah, I bet they would. I'd want to see it. Yeah, you would. I'd be curious. Basically, they'd be like, come here, and then someone would have come, pop their head over the car and go, and go straight back out.

Oh, no. So, like. But how was the A&E there? Was it like vending machines or was there a cafe? So, not many vending machines. And as well as that, the charging, you know, your phone charging thing was, was hard. But we were put into several different waiting areas,

including like a waiting area where I think people get key. chemo and so they have these like chairs that are like he has a remote control they have a chemo waiting ward with general people going into A&E well we were in the bowels really like immunocompromising danger no there but it's no one getting chemo there but it's one of those chairs that like it goes fully flat upwards recline yeah yeah but you don't have to put any effort into getting yourself up you could like it will slide you up like Wallace and Grammet yeah Hello. I mean, I'd love that today.

I'd love... I want you to go to one down... Where do you think I should go? Well, I... The one that I mentioned earlier, I think, has an M&S and two costers. Yeah, we're talking about like A&E's in London. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I think, right, there's... So if you're ever a visit. The one in like central, like St. Thomas's. Yeah. I've only done an overnight there once of my friend Jazz when she fell on her face but was so... She basically went for a piss in the middle of the street.

Well, between two cars, she's got... dignity. Of course. And she stood up, but fell, but she was too drunk to remember that you put your hands out. So she landed on her voice. Oh, my God. And she looked up to me and she went, have I bruised? And she was like, no teeth.

And I was like, we're going to, you know what? You're doing great. And the worst thing about that night is, is that everyone at the house party thought I punched her in the face. Wow. That's the rumor that went around the house party. Wow. Oh, I'm like, you fucking, I punched her in the face.

I don't feel that you'd ever punch anybody. Like, that was, okay, I slapped Hannah Grant in year six. Did you? Yeah. And then immediately cried. You cried. Were you afraid that she was going to hit you back and that's where you cried? I couldn't believe I did it.

Why? Because she's like one of my best, she still is one of my best friends and I was so shocked. Like an open, another time. Yeah. I was so angry. I was so angry. She's a lot shorter than me. I was like, she basically, we had like, in year six, you got to take it in terms to

do register duty where you got the responsibility of taking the registers to all the classrooms at junior school. Yeah. And she did it on my turn because I was eating my lunch and she said, I think she said, oh, I didn't think you were going to do it. So I thought I'd do it for you, which sounds like a nice thing. Yeah, it does. But you have to understand in year six how fucked that was.

Okay. And I was like, what do you mean you did it for me? And she was like, oh, I just did it for you, like just totally innocently, really nicely. And I took it as like the biggest attack. And I went, you, you. And she immediately cried and went to the dinner lady and then I was crying. Like it was an absolute fucking nightmare. How did the dinner lady sort this out?

I think the lady was like, say sorry. And I was like, sorry. She had like a red mark on her face because it wasn't me. Like it was awful. And I once threatened, I once threatened the year three student. So they were like seven. You once what? And I was nine.

She was seven years old. I want to just found a seven year old. Oh wow. But like she was being really mean to my sister. Oh wow. She was being so mean. I didn't do anything to her. But I made it very clear that I could end her.

her life. If I remember correctly. And I was like, but I remember like playing the role of like, I was like, I'm going to be the big sister. I'm going to do the big sister thing. Oh man. I used to do that too. Really?

And just take it too far. Well, yeah. Well, one of my, one of my friends' bullies was like, hit me. And I was like, well, I wasn't expecting this. And I think I just turned 18 as well. So I was like, you know, you're legally trying to work out stuff. And I'm like, I can't hit this person. Or my friend.

You ever hit someone? Me and Sineal have fights. Like play fights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We definitely get like push. It's not hitting, but it's pushing. I wrestled my boyfriend's cousin for 20 minutes. And like he beat me, but just not out of technique, but out of like, I've very bad cardio.

So I gassed out. Yeah. And like a few, my boyfriend, a few of my boyfriend's other cousins are like, they're like, PTs, like personal trainers. And they were going, I love that you translated personal trainers. Because I did give it a. blank look for a PTs. Peanut butter and toast.

They still talk about it. I'd love that bad. I'd love peanut butter on, do we have, no, we don't have any. No, it would also be bad for the audio, wouldn't it? And it would be claggy, yeah. Yeah, it'd be quite claggy and meled gums, wouldn't it? Oh my God. We do an episode where it's just us eating peanut butter on toast.

Well, I think it'll sound just as good as the episode where I was trying to get sick all the time. Don't, because if you taught, I know, I know, I know. Please go back and listen to the episode of Alison and Poppy Hillstead. Was it Poppy Hillstead? It was. Oh my God. It was Poppy. Oh, totally good.

Yeah. Yeah, me and Poppy are trying to set up our new podcast together. We haven't come up a name for it properly yet. But do you want to say the premise now or do you want to save it? Oh, no, I can do it. Do it. The premise is, doesn't it? Because I'm going to A&E.

I brought myself a little magazine and it's, that's life. Stop it. Read the headlines. So we're going to do like a different magazine each time. And we're going to, do you know what else we're going to do? We're going to buy products from the back pages and then review them. We're going to do a Patreon of that.

There's these twin premature orangutans called Double Trouble that you can buy. And it's like, it says that the hair is hand placed. So they're dolls of premature orangutans. orangutans wearing little like little baby girls oh i want those yeah i think it's like you can google it's how much 60 quid oh fuck i just got rob to can't afford that with you lucked up but i'm thinking like or could we take it out the trusty hogs patron part absolutely not no that's right it's always worth asking it is it is so like we're gonna we're gonna do that do you want to hear some of these titles

please tell me okay so that's life these are the um trash magazines that we have in the uk that are genuinely life-changing. This is where, like, people first, like, this is where you learn as a teenager about people who, like, were married to cars or fucked exhaust pipes. Yeah, or, like, had the fairs with ghosts. Yeah.

Yeah, like, I've been sleeping with my ex-husband's brother's ghost for two years now, and I'm bloody loving it. Like, stuff like that, and they get paid £50 a story. I have a, I have a relative that insists that she was sexually assaulted by a ghost. Yeah.

But I don't know what she was. I'd say, like, you know. It's so hard, because you have to believe her. I know. And I think even, with, I understand this because it's like even if you don't believe in ghosts, you have to go along with it.

But you know what sometimes? What did the, like, what was the ghost? You get like, she said it was the devil. The devil. Oh, so this feels more religious than anything else. It does, doesn't it actually, yeah, yeah. What did the devil look like to her? She didn't say, she said that she just felt a presence.

My mom's felt presents before. Has she? One of them was her dad. Oh no. She was driving along and he came to say hello. Well, it's good that he came to say hello and not like trying to fuck her or whatever. Or whatever. Could you imagine?

Just driving along on my dad's dad. No. So, yeah, it's good. So what we're going to do is we're going to get people to send in their real life stories. And discuss things like, told I had a year to live, so I wed a Turkish toy boy on holiday. Yeah. Legend. My wife tried to murder me three times.

I mean. See seduced men then paid them to kill me. Wow. That's on page 43. That's not even a headline story for them That comes late Is that hard that I'm like Good for her

So you're gonna Each week you and Poppy are gonna discuss Oh look They've got things like pictures Of just like random dogs people have sent it Or they have things like I don't know if it's this magazine There's a few of them that are like

Men say the funniest things They're not the funniest things It's after like It's just like Evil Husband tortured me with cow no Some of these can be quiet You can get really darker They're either like

I want a kitty pig in a raffle Or I was kidnapped I have such a clear memory Of being a receptionist at the Harlington centre In Fleet on Fleet Road And there were a couple of these lying around from the ladies that did like the midweeks And there was one story

About a girl who was my age who got stabbed Okay, in the leg And I was like oh my God Stabbed in the leg A knife I am out but she was like the article wasn't about how she was stabbed it was about how her favourite jeans got ruined with blood but the happy ending at the end of it but then my mum bought me a new pair from Tammy girl everything works out for a reason yeah I'd get stabbed for a pair of jeans from

Tammy girl I could never fit into Tammy girl really no no because I was too long I was too long from day dot like I was Dorothy Perkins lady or what are you? I was Dorothy Perkins at the age of 10 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is like, isn't that heartbreaking? I know. I couldn't just go to where everyone else is. Like, I had to get my school trousers from the women's business section at M&S. Oh, my God.

I can hear you laughing. If anybody didn't hear that, that was M. I was told too. Did that bring back a horrible memory for you? Everyone going to the school section and you're being taken to women's business. Oh, my God. I always felt like plus. clothing is like you either look like

you work at a bookies or that you love flowers there's not neither you know what I mean or you just want to show off your shoulders all the time those shoulder cutouts what the fuck are they about it's who also when you don't have a woman's body

to wear women's business trousers you look fucking stupid and on top of that everyone's like fashion at that point was dolly shoes like you couldn't wear proper shoes You had to wear like ballet pumps Oh yeah Yeah yeah yeah

But like they saw them in every prime mark But I can't remember when I could fit into Primark Because they stop at 8 UK 8 which isn't actually an 8 Because that should be a 40 But they're actually 39 What's so sure are you And they're yeah like 9 and a half wide fit

I'm an 8 I think 8 is the last size where life is easy Oh definitely Because you get them all on the sale as well Yeah nine and a half Like I'm specialised You are speciality I'm in speciality shops

and Doc Martin Yeah and there's always shops Like long tall Sally Which has gone off the high street now And it's only online Really? Which is probably for the best Oh my

There used to be What was the name of that The Fat Woman Shop That's like Not Jackamo Bon Marshay Is Bon Mache A fat woman shop?

Well no but You know what I mean Spiritially Like yeah Like in there They're bigger and it's loose Like, no, Bon Monshire, I think, is a fat girl shop. That's cool.

No, I think it's like every or something like that. Every, yeah, every and simply be. Yeah, but it used to be a big shop at that in Oxford Street. Yeah, they used downstairs from the next. Yeah. That's totally gone. I know, everything is gone now. But that's because fat people should not be out and about, and I've been saying that for years.

Absolutely. They shouldn't shut. Because we do get injured. We do. We do. I mean, it's like breaking bones everywhere we go. Oh, my God. I was, I really wanted the dolly shooly. shoes that everyone else had but I couldn't take even though I couldn't fit them I refused to not wear the prom-mark ballet pumps to not wear them so I now think this is why I've got

fucked up toes because I squeeze myself into them did you bind your own feet I think I bound I think I bound so like my last three toes yeah I like this they're like facing they're like they're like they're like trying to like everyone is desperately trying to get with the big toe yeah yeah and I like I swear a part of that is me just like forcing my feet into shoes that didn't fit. Because wearing ladies business trousers and then ladies business shoes whilst trying to be fit and attractive when you're a foot taller than everyone else and breathing through your mouth, it's so tricky. Have you managed to not breathe through your mouth lately?

I think I did one bus journey in the last year where I got to the end and I was like, Oh my God, I have my mouth shut. Amazing. I was like, oh my God, I think my mouth was shut that whole time. I think I briefed in my mouth so much now because I get people commenting going like, how does she breathe? Yeah. And once I googled myself to see like a tour gig.

If your mouth was closed at that. But someone said, like, do you know what he'd go like, Alison Spittle boyfriend or he was like, does Alison Spittle have a health problem? And I'm like, I think so. Watch how about his diagnosis. Yeah, and some guy emailed me. Do you have a deviated septum thing?

Or do you just have, like, just weird respiratory stuff? I just think I'm fat. Fat and a bathroom. No, I don't think fat opens your mouth, does it? I think. If anything, it would close it. Would it? I reckon so.

It would, like, force your body to close up because it's, like, more fat around you, no? Me, I don't know. I just, I just, like, I just have respiratory problems. I just cannot get air through there. For your nose. Yeah? I never really have.

Like, you look at pictures of me as a kid. I'm just, like, walking around mouth wide open, just confused. Open mouth. My dad doesn't breathe through his nose either. Oh, maybe it's a biological thing. I think it might be. I think that's what I got from him is like, oh my God, I think our guest is here. Oh, amazing.

Oh, my God, amazing. Oh, my God, should we bring her on? Let's continue diagnosing ourselves with stuff in the extras. Absolutely. I love you, Alison Spittle. Please welcome the amazing Fatia El Gorey! Woo! Woo!

Go back to school deliciously. with Whole Foods Market. Wake up with low-priced 365 by Whole Foods Market protein waffles and breakfast burritos. Prep lunch boxes quickly with 365 brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit, and more. And look for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken breasts that make meal prep a breeze.

Shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market, in store and online. I earned my degree online at Arizona State University. I chose to get my degree at ASU because I knew that I'd get a quality education, they were recognized for excellence, and that I would be prepared for the workforce upon graduating. To be associated with ASU, both as a student and alum, it makes me extremely proud and having experienced the program, I know now that I'm set up for success. Learn more at ASUonline.asu.edu. Hi, I'm Catherine Beauxhart and I'm going to the Soho Theatre in London for two weeks in March. Now, wouldn't it be convenient if they were back to back and I could just tell you the dates?

Of course it would. They're not. The first one begins the week commencing the 4th of March and the second one, after a week's break, begins the week commencing the 18th of March. So, so early March, late March, where will I be? Soho Theatre, my loves, and I'd love to see you there. The tickets I haven't sold necessarily as fast as I like them to. but listen there are some available and i'll be there doing my god damn best with my new show i'm that's the debut of my new show so please come i'd be thrilled having the audience the show is called again with feelings and the earlier you buy your tickets at soho uh the less expensive they are thank you so much this is it's me helen bower from just me hugs

i just want to say i'm doing my show one last time in the UK at the earth Hackney in London on March 2nd. It's a double bill with Olga Koch. You can see both of us. You can see one of us come for the whole night. You've got like a little break in between us to go get some food. It's going to be magical. It's going to be sexy.

And I'd love to see you there. Thank you. Bonza. Good eye. And welcome to trusty hogs in Australia. We're going to be bush pigs. I don't know. I'm trying to think of an Australian version of trusty hogs.

I think what we need to say is we're going on tour. Both of us. Yes. To Australia. We'll both be playing. I'll be playing Melbourne and Sydney. You'll be playing Melbourne and?

Sydney and Brisbane and Perth. Fabulous. I will be in Melbourne. I'll be at the Weston 3 at the International Comedy Festival. You can buy tickets for my show now. And at Sydney I'll be at the factory theatre and you can buy tickets for my show now. And in Melbourne I'll be at the Greek, which I have looked on Google Maps and it is very close to Catherine's venue. Isn't that so cute?

I'll be super close. And then, no, I think you'll be picking me up. Oh. I think. I need to check that. But come pick us up. Come pick us up. Sydney,

I'll be at the factory theatre with Catherine and that's super close to the ice cream place. Brisbane I'll be at powerhouse and in Perth Can a powerhouse be inside of a powerhouse? She will be.

I'll be bloody there. And at Perth I'll be the Perth Comedy Festival for the Regal Theatre. Cool. And we'll also bring in Trusty Hoggs live to Australia. Melbourne and Sydney, bitches.

It's on sale. I've never said bitches before my life. It felt really wrong. It felt really weird. I said it and I was like... Bitches, get your tickets! No, that's hideous. Well, anyway, see you there, Australia.

Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy? No, we've been over this. Hoggy, hoggy, hoggy, hoggy. Yeah. Oh. We both got it wrong. See you there. Welcome to our guests.

It's Fatio. Yay! When did you start recording? no okay well even way sex can be weak in general yeah like i don't like one night stands yeah yeah yeah why don't you like him but like i'd love to yeah they're not fun right yeah they're not fun you just feel like a glove i mean i've never done it but i'm just i'm like you and that you need to know the person and fancy them yeah that shit like i think i'm more into sexual tension than actual sex the fill of the chase and they're like like

because we're animals but i'm still very teenage with it like I fucking love like some like the electricity of like a thigh rub oh my god like the electricity of like overclose touching I remember like is that really messed up no I remember my boyfriend when I first went to the cinema with me it wasn't a day we were going as friends but our arms were touching here and it felt like it felt like the whole side of my body was on fire and I felt that if I put my arm away I would die yes Like, you want to feel like you're half into a stroke? Oh my God, yes.

Like it's so sexy. I want to feel in danger. Like, what's the best sex you have? Is it committed, like, married relationship? Girl. Like, let's hear a fingering. Can we say that? Like, good, gentle fingering.

Oh, my gosh. No. You just, like, you're reminding me, I can't, I don't know what it is yet. Every time we're talking, I'm just like getting songs in my head. So you know that song, move closer. Feel your body so close Until we feel like we're really making love That's not a song

That is It is, it's by a woman called Phyllis Nelson Let me tell you something, yeah Let me tell you Honestly, the other night I was a bit sad And then it came on the TV They did a whole thing about love songs

Yeah, because it's Valentine's Day in it And you were watching that when you were feeling sad? I was at 3 in the morning That's mental I'm telling you, brother, me and my teetal was raving up. I thought this in my front room. I thought that, it was fun. Valentine's as hard.

It's so stressful. Just, you know, when we're recording this, we're pre-recording it, so it's Valentine's Day tomorrow as of us recording this right now. And, like, I mean, I'm gigging. I'm just like, I'm skipping the whole thing. I'm getting a sofa delivered.

That's hot. I know, right? I'm probably going to be an A&E. I hope you're in A&E tomorrow because then I'll come visit you because I'm free in the day Also like if someone wants my hotel in Croydon

I'll give you a lot posthumously Is that how you can use posthumously Because my boy I live with a flat mate He's got a girlfriend So I wanted like a romantic opportunity To let someone have the flat to themselves

And like I could go to Croydon I know you're flat You know I've been to it before you lived there Oh yeah Yeah yeah yeah You recorded the podcast I did. It was really fun. But like I wanted, yeah, but that's probably not going to happen.

Tell us more about the sofa. Are you not doing anything romantic? Well, it depends on... Sorry, I like rolling my arms. Romantic. It depends on whether my leg is broken or not. Like, if it's... But you can still do something in hospital.

Yeah? Yeah. What do you mean? You've got a partner in it. I do, I do. Yeah, so just tell them to come dressed as a doctor and give it all. Oh, wow. Time to get it.

get struck off. This is it. That is such a good idea. And also the NHS are in trouble right now. Another doctor would be good, if anything. Oh, beautiful, yeah. Just have another one running around. He took an oath.

But, like, yeah, I don't know. Should, maybe. I'm sure they'll surprise you anyway. They're not going to let you suffer. When they hear, you might have broken your leg. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I'm sorry, you can't have your romantic night in Croydon. I know.

I imagine, like, I was like, trying to plan romance in Croydon. feels like an oxymorah. Watch a romantic film together just like and then you're not like interfering with your flatmate's date you're just in your bedroom and just put on like the set

like what's the sexy film? I mean I just watched two very upsetting film have you seen dream scenario no with Nicholas Cage it's the best premise for a film I've seen in ages the idea is that he appears in loads people's dreams like collective like conscious or whatever and he's in everyone's dreams

but there's one scene in it where he's having sex he's a middle age man and he half comes he farts he farts and he finishes coming and the acting is incredible oh wow incredible he goes and his you believe it oh it's so funny oh my god i've never had that happen but like no no but like you never know what's the most romantic film you've ever seen The one that I've been turned on during the most as far as this was like teenage years was 300.

300? That's what Gerard Butler. Yeah, because they just got their tops out. Yeah, and I was next to a boy from school and I was like giving them a hand job. Were you? Yeah. Could you not demonstrate that on me?

I was up here. I was up here. Hand was up. I was up demonstrating for the benefit of the list. But that one. And then once I went to the cinema was someone I really, really fancied to see Over the Hedge.

Over the Hedge. It's a cartoon. Yeah, there were no kids in it. Shut your fucking face. There is. It's really good. What's the premise of it? Do you remember?

The turtle takes the lead in it. I'm telling you, no. The turtle takes the lead, you know. Yeah. He's the main character. I don't know, yeah, some shit like that. I loved over the hedge. I thought it was really fun.

It was all right. The graphics were a bit shit, isn't it? All right. It's not DreamWorks, isn't it? No, exactly. You've got to give a break. Favorite animation, go. I think my favourite

well do you want me to tell you a romantic one is this coming out after this is coming out in like two weeks is it yeah so should we do a romantic one so people can think back to tomorrow posthumously yeah cry yeah and be like oh we're not the only sad dickheads 100% yeah these three are sad as well no no we're actually Alison Fattier and Helen are all thriving if anyone asks you we're all doing really well

and we're actually in committed loving long to actually Alison is And we've got four fully working limbs And none of us have ever sealed ourselves onto a train That's still fucking stupid I know Still got a boy Oh Oh

What happened Was it a train or a tube? Train Was you gonna miss it And I flopped myself Yeah but it's Reading to London There's so many trains Like it wouldn't have been like

It wasn't like last chance I know But like traitors Yeah traitors I wonder about straters Tell me about your romantic films Oh, romantic film So my favourite is the wedding singer

Oh, that is a lovely film You know, I've never seen it Is that Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore? No, I've seen the musical of it And it's absolutely shite No My sister was in it Yeah, yeah, yeah

Your sister was in it It was a school production Oh, that's right I thought, I was about to go in ham And then I thought, no, okay You said, we said sister But the film is great It's really good

I know nearly all of it Word by word I know all the songs. I've got all the soundtrack on my... I want to grow old with you. Yeah, I've got it all on my Spotify. Yeah, it's so nice. They've a good chemistry, Drew Barrymore.

They do. But I feel like they should have stopped at that film, though, because they made other films. 50 first dates. Yeah, no. I liked 50 first dates. I watched it, I liked it. Because he's friends with the animals.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Adam Center films. Adam Center films seem to remind me of, like, being on school tour a lot, you know, when it rains and they put on an Adam's, Sandler film. What the fuck? We didn't get Adam Sandler films at school. What did you get? We watched on a

school trip to Poland we watched the pianist Schindler's List and Miss Congeniality. What a barrel of laughs. Yeah, it was a crazy bus. It was a cray cray bus. It was intense. Miss Congeniality

was really welcome actually. We really needed it after that. Holy shit. Yeah. No, we had a, once actually my English teacher allowed us bring in videos of what we wanted to watch and my I was going to say colleague school school school

your friend at school friend at school he brought in school friend yeah he brought in Jesus this leg is really breaking my brain but he brought in a video of wrestlers and then these two women wrestlers started kissing in it and then the English teacher switched off and he got

detention no yeah just for that yeah just for that that's how afraid they are of the queer community in Ireland. Turn it off! I know. They'll be encouraged. They're learning it.

Just to check did all the boys have their hands and their dicks in their moment. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Okay, romantic films, wedding singer. Wedding singer. I'd say the holiday is so romantic.

What? Who? Who's romantic in that? All of the storylines. Jude last character. These four people finding love. Kate Winslet tries to kill herself at the beginning and then she meets Jack Black. I know.

There's no better beginning to any romantic comedy then trying to kill yourself with gassing yourself in an oven. It's a weird, it's a weird start. No, yeah. What else is really romantic? Oh my God. This hitch, I love hitch.

No, that's not, isn't that about like a player teaching women? No, no, see, you got it wrong. No. Wow. But what's, how is Hitch romantic to you and I'll tell you why I think it's not romantic? Because he teach, because everyone, right, so everyone deserves love and everyone has, has someone out there for them right but some people are not ready yeah so for example um they're not good dancers why you ain't be a good dancer yeah i'm just making an example of the film i don't know

like sometimes people do mad shit in it like they'll turn up to a date dressed all in white i'm like are you a barber what the fuck is going on here are you a barber yeah you know they wear okay not a barber but I meant butcher, you know? Are you a barber? I meant butcher, butchard, butcher. Yeah, yeah, of course you did. Because they wear those white things. Yeah.

With blood on them. Yeah. So, you know. So, yeah, and then he teaches them. He's like, okay, this is what, if you behave, like, it's not like, it's not, um, it's not, um, uh, it's not, um, uh, it's not Andrew Tatey stuff. It's not that.

It's like, be more confident. No, it's not. It's not, honestly. He, he's like, this is how you be romantic with a woman. This is how you treat lady. Because some people don't have examples. That's why there's so many trash people out there because they don't have good examples to learn from.

Yes. Do you think if Will Smith had met everyone, we'd live in a better world? For sure. That's really sweet. Yeah, you could slap up the pricks. Yeah, a lot more people will be slapping each other. For me, Hitch is a story about the game.

The idea that, like, guys need to be taught how to pick up women using tricks. Oh, they don't. Well, like being like, you're a fucking, bitch and her being like like that's negging God I'm such a fucking fugly slut I guess I'll not you off now

like I tell you what is like that crazy stupid love that is like that that is a mad film I've never seen it I've never seen it so many people love it but it hasn't aged well it really hasn't aged well

who's in it Steve Correll Julianne Moore oh wow like it's a mad part that's like Emma Emma Stone yeah oh my gosh she's very good though

oh my gosh super bad super bad that's a really romantic film that is a romantic film that's a hipster bullshit film no how is that

it's a big of a guy Michael Sarah yeah no no no thanks okay he's really nice he's really nice

he doesn't he doesn't he doesn't fuck the lady when she's really drug and I thought that's how low the buyer is for me he doesn't rape someone

and I'm like yes he's a romantic king what a king it's Jonah Hill also in it yeah yeah yeah no I don't like that film no I like it because I remember watching that scene when I was younger you know when he gets perioded on at a dance she grinds up against his leg

do you remember when that was like the sexiest dance just like rub up and down a thigh yeah yeah yeah like you're a dog of worms yes I think I might be my favourite move though and then she periods out from under her skirt onto his leg I love that you were going out from and I'm like

there's only one place the vagina well you could period onto your knickers then have a transfer from the knickers no like a like a stamp like a stamp

like let's say you period into your knickers and it stays wet down there and then you've got a wet stamp for the rest of the day and then what and then you're just marking your territory

in every class you go into math science English geography A plus Helen Bowers been here because that was the early days that was like when that came out, none of us had figured out

period products yet. No, no, no, no. Like, it was great. Oh, that was, do you remember those first couple of years your period where it's just a Wild West? Oh, big time. Like, you've got no idea when it's starting. Well, I have that now. Like, in my 20s, it's fine. You still can't tell when it's going to start. No, because I went on,

I went on, um, hormonal, uh, hormonal, uh, what there was? Yeah, and it, and I, and it just, my, my cycle got all facked up. So, so I just, So you can't even track it? No. But can you, like, can you feel it, like your brain going like... Oh, yeah.

Like, if I cry at Britain's gut talent, then I know and get my period the next day. I totally get it. Do you know what I mean? I get angry now as well. I get angry too. I used to just be sad and now I've started like lashing out. Oh, lovely. I took food from Sunil's mouth, basically.

Like, he was trying to eat something and I went to mine. What kind of food? Potato waffle. Just because I was just because I didn't think he did. deserved it and he did nothing wrong oh wow it's bad isn't it no no no i've done that when i wasn't on my period i thought i thought it's a woman in the shop people a woman in the shop yeah because i said i wanted a flake and then there was a lot there was the last one and then i and then i went to get it and she picked it up she was before me and i said oh let me have it please i'm

oh wait you can't you can't do that if there's one chocolate bar of a flake left and you want it and someone else picks it up before you you can't then say no i want it I said, please, I said, I did say, please, I'm pregnant. And then she was like, you're not pregnant? I know, but I just said that to make her feel sad. And then she said, no, and I said, okay. And then she brought it, and when she opened it, I dived in. That's fucking psychopath behavior.

Like a seagull. That you had a seagull. I know, I wouldn't do it now. But I have done it. Oh, like maybe 15 years ago. Wow. Then I'm not judging, I used to eat off plates when I was a waitress. What did you?

Yeah. Like going back to, like, the back of house. Oh, wow. Like, when I was working at the National Theatre. What kind of food? I was like, I was just broke, right? Is it chips? Is it chips?

No. Like, chips obviously was super easy. But, like, it was, basically, there was the good, it feels like a year, but it was probably three months when we sold macaroni and cheese on this counter. Yeah. And it was like, it was sort of like a cafeteria sort of style counter. And the macaroni and cheese came in their own dishes. And it was so cheesy, so oily.

I cannot describe how good it was like I'm literally my mouth is like a tsunami right now you're thinking of those leftovers and like we'd serve it to like the theatre people who in general were very old women and you know how people just lose our appetites

so I'd like be serving like the oldest women ever being like she's not finishing this and then I'd switch to be on table duty so I'd clear all the tables and if there was anything left I'd have a new fork and just fucking screwp it into my mouth

and everyone's one person saw me once. They went, that's disgusting. And I was like, oh, I'm starving. But it was so, I couldn't stop myself. Yeah. It's hot cheese and pasta, which is the best combination. No, no, no.

It's like, yeah. It's insane. You were, you're saved the environment. I would do it off like. These are strangers' plate. Yeah, I wouldn't do it off strangers' games. No, but these are theatre goers. Well, what does that mean?

I think that there's a certain level of hygiene that comes with the theatre. Wow. Oh, right. There is. What, posh culture of saliva? I wouldn't, I wouldn't have done it

at like a theme park. Because people like me go to theme park. I wouldn't get close to that. Like, I'm half in the mouth, half out, like nose dripping. You don't know what these old,

old, like, rich women are like, they could gobb full on it. No, no, no, no, no. They could just stop themselves for eating. They could be like, driveling and eating. They all smell like, I don't know why I did that.

They can like, no, they definitely, they shower, they touted. We are saying in Morocco, we say sometimes, you get people, when people are dirty but they try to look clean we say it's like putting makeup over

bogeys. You know when someone's nose is right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like I to hear that in the language. We say, laqar, laqar, which is lipstick, laqa faq al-chununa on top of bogey. Laqa-fokal-hununa. Yeah! Yay! You have been indicted. Is it indicted?

Inductrinated. No. No. Not that. Initiated, inaugurated. That's it. Thank you, Andrew, inaugurated. What's the one I said? Indoctrinated. That's what they, you know, like, that's grooming.

Oh, is it? Oh, no. Have you, have you ever been to Morocco, Ireland? Yeah? I've been to Morocco, too. Did you like it? I loved it. I spent a month there.

Wow. I filmed a TV show. Like, um... You did not film a TV show in Morocco. Oh my God, that's amazing. Yeah, we went to like, went to Marrakesh, Fez. What's the name of the capital again? Rabat.

Rabat. No, yeah, Rabat. Rabat is the... I'm not getting that wrong with it for me now. I know. I get confused. Algeus.

It's no, not Algeus, because that's Algeria. Yeah. And what's the name of that blue place? Shishowen. The blue pearl. Wait, what do you mean the blue place? There's a big blue village.

It's called the pearl. It's gorgeous. It's on a mountain. It's so cool. Oh, like the Atlas Mountains. Yeah. I spent a night on the Atlas Mountains over. You could only get to the place by a donkey.

So we went on a donkey and I went up a mountain and they had to get the biggest donkey for me. They were like, they were having a conversation. That is the worst thing is travelling as a fat person when there's a portion where it's like, get on this animal.

And like, you're looking at all the camels or whatever and you're like, I'll take that one fucking hell. I'm going to go. Yeah. I'll take the camel with like, with scaffolding around it. where it's been, like, it's...

I'll take the camel with an earpland. Yeah. The one that's really, like, it's been built up for this. But, like, we went to the Atlas Mountains. We had, like, mint tea. Yes. And, like, a lady did a, did a carpet.

She weaved a carpet. And we paid her. She was only asking for, like, 25 quid, and there's a handmade carpet. Wow. So we, like... Gave them more, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, that's nice. What's this like, it's just like, if someone does a handmade thing? What was the TV show for? Was it a travel show? It was called Celebrity Globetrotters. And it's an Irish. TV show. I went with

Dana, who won Eurovision. Amazing. Who ran for the Irish presidency. A guy called David Nairz. No, she did not. Oh no. I would know, I think. David Nairis, he sued Ireland to make gay, gay, I was going to say gay stuff. To make gay stuff. To make homosexuality legalised.

He's a champ. He used to run an underground used to run an underground gay disco in the 70s and he reads a lot of Joyce he's not into pop culture and he refused Freddie Mercury from the door and then like all these Irish people you need to let him in he's like I don't know this man

because you had to keep it because it was illegal at the time so he had to be like very careful he's amazing a guy called a guy on Crystal Swing do you remember Crystal Swing no they were on the Ellen show they had a song called

It's too Irish an Olympian called David Gillick and a woman that's married to Shane McGowan What a great month and a great group It was great! I'd love to go to Morocco Where's the best place do you think for a tourist to visit in Morocco? I'd say Fez

Or Marrakesh I went, that's where I went Marrakesh But it depends on what you're looking for I don't like the big cities Yeah then, I mean anywhere There's good food everywhere The Reads are amazing Like the whole concept of

like the accommodation in Morocco. It's so beautiful. They got incredible places that you can stay in and it's so great. We were like budget traveling. We went to McDonald's in Morocco and we got like a Macarabia. Have you ever had that?

It's like a lamb patty and like a pit of bread. Oh, lovely. Yeah, it was absolutely great mate. I love going to McDonald's in different countries and seeing like what they do. Yeah, it's so different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Moroccan food was amazing but I feel like me

and my friend just scratched the surface because all we knew before we went was like Tajin and the minty but like I want to go now and be like okay what's the other stuff because it's not just oranges with cinnamon and bit of mint on it is amazing for breakfast like what did you have for breakfast in Morocco

I don't remember we went when I was like I think I was 19 who went my friend Sophia Ward and we did do like a day trip to the Atlas Mountains but we went on a day where like I still don't know if this is true or not, or whether it was just a prank or whether we nearly got killed.

Yeah. They were like people with goat faces. What? They'd like skinned a goat. And put it under face. And they'd put it over their face. And in the night time, they ran around the mountains for some sort of like celebration. It might have been the new year, maybe. Maybe something like that. It was very frightening.

Do you remember what time you? Remember what time of you? I know. Absolutely no idea. It's lunar anyway. Oh, okay. No idea, but it was magical. And then we went on like a little walk. I want to go to Fez because that's where we're... Fez is great.

Or I like when, like, the... Casablanca? No, I wouldn't go there. But, yeah, people say it shit because it looks like Birmingham. Yeah, it looks like... Excuse me. Do you both have tickets to sell in Birmingham for tours?

Like, you're freaking idiot. Are you mad? It doesn't look like Birmingham. What do they have a really big... It doesn't look like Birmingham? It doesn't look like a really big selfie. No. Do you know what it is?

And the ballroom. It's just, it's a bit like central London kind. It's not really, it's not touristic. Yeah, it could be any city in the world. I've been to Suta. Is that in Morocco? That is in Morocco, but it's a Spanish enclave. Yeah.

So it's still owned by, it's still ruled by the Spanish. So if I was to go there, I can go in there, but my cousins can't. Why can't your cousins? Because they've got Moroccan passports. That's crazy. Even though it's in their country. It's all bordered off. Fuck the Spanish, am I right?

Can I say it? Can I say it? That was my favourite thing about going to Mexico is going to the museums and not feeling guilty for being English or German. I was just walking up and I was going to fucking Spanish, are fucking pricks, aren't they? Fucking shame with the Spanish, am I right? It felt so good.

But it's crazy if you've gone to any European city and they got like gilded gold and you're like, wow, this is so beautiful. And then there's always colonisation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The money for it? Do you know what I mean? You're like, wow.

Where's gold from? Doesn't that just grow everywhere? Not grow everywhere. I don't grow. I know it doesn't know it's in the it's um it's a stone wait what is gold is it mineral isn't it is a metal is a metal is a metal is a metal it's a it's an element it's on the periodic table yeah that's it's i'm just saying everything i know about gold right now the periodic table i just want to say my initials are f e and that is iron oh my god I'm poisonous If you're asking, HB. You're a pencil.

That's what you are. I don't think HB, I know HB's blood count, I think, or hemoglobin. Yeah, hemoglobin, is that an element on the periodic table? No, no. It's your blood, it's your red blood cells. Oh, that's good, I've got lots of that. Is it just blood or red blood? Jesus, I don't know.

Is this a fucking science lesson? Is this the thickest group of women ever discussing the thick? Should we solve a listener problem? because I feel like we're on a role right now so we could actually spread problems in this. Oh, okay, let's have it. I like your nails, by the way. Thank you.

I also love that you clearly went to get your nails done instead of going to the hospital. Yeah. Well, it's funny, like, because we're telling you about my sister going at A&E and they offered her, my sister got her tit ripped off in archery. Nipple.

Nipple. In artery? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't, if you got a piercing, don't do archery. Yeah, you see. But they offered her antibiotics, right? And the next day we were going to a bottomless brunch and we were getting free alcohol at it

and my sister was like, look, Alison, I'm going to be sensible about this, right? I'm not going to take the antibiotics until Monday. She was like, so she got fully drunk. She would rather lose a tip. Then waste a bottomless brunch. They're able to save her? Yeah, yeah, it just looks a bit gnarly.

That's it. Oh, shit, that must have been so painful. It was. But what an anecdote. I know. And we got so much free drink the next day because people were like, how's your day?

And she's like, lifted up her tip. Oh, she was just showing people. Oh, she was showing her tip so much. You would have to, wouldn't you?

And then other people are like, I got that too. And they got a nipple piercing. So many nipple piercings. I think much to me that's the message of this episode. Like if you do have a nipple piercing, no archery. Yeah.

Or anything involving like that sort of movement. No your limits. No your limits. What sports are safe for you? Go swimming. Yeah. I don't know why. I don't know why I've wearing a hat for this whole thing.

I really like it on you. I don't know why I've worn a hijab, like. Because you're Muslim. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Let's do a listener problem. Okay. And let's go ahead to a proposal in advance of this listener.

Catherine isn't here. So you're going to get none of that normal advice from Catherine. I'll be normal. But you're not normal. I am normal. You're different. You ate a flake out of a woman's mouth like a sea girl. That's not.

normal. Would you take advice from that woman? Do you think you're a normal woman? You're different. You're not normal. I can't be the first one that's told you this. I didn't take it out of her hand, her mouth,

I took it out of her hand. She opened it and then before she bite it, I jumped in. Yeah, like a seagull. I love it. Yeah, but Catherine wouldn't do that. Yeah. Okay, let me put my adult head on.

Okay. That year's got her adult head on. Let's do this. They're like, Dear hugs, I really want. on a flake. Just grab it. What kind of advice giver are you, Fatia?

I'm very sensible. And I look at all angles. You're going to be shocked. I do believe it. You're going to be like, this bitch is smart. You're going to be like, wow. We actually need this. This be amazing.

Check it. I don't think, yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, this is from R. Hi, R. You have to say hi, hi, R. Hi, R.

Hi R. Hi R. Hi R. It sounds like we're fucking still a black in Hiya! Hiya! Surprise, surprise. Surprise.

Surprise, surprise! She generally was a very bad singer. Oh my God, one of my favourite Cilla Black songs, I'm sorry, this is a digression. Go for it. It's not originally her song, it's originally a Dionne Warwick song.

And I like this from that thing I was dancing to you on the Friday night. You did a big night. You're in your tea towel. Bro, you don't understand. I was proper like, mm-hmm. Anyway, she's done a song called

Anyone who ever had a heart would tell me in their arms and love me too So why don't you Sorry, I just ruined that last week No, no, no, no But yeah, so that's one of my favourite Silla Black songs I bet she's like, Anyone who had a heart

It's like, yeah It's so good She sings like my granny She sings that when? My granny. Your granny sing that. My granny, my granny, like. will often, she, she like...

Me and her would get on offing. I don't know, she causes, like, if there's a row, she'll just sing over you until you stop talking. She'll just keep singing until you're quiet about stuff. What about any song? Like, it doesn't really matter. Oh, it would depend. Like, sometimes, like, once my aunt brought up

that she felt that my granny wasn't as loving as her... So, she was like, my dad showed more affection than you. And then she kept singing, Daddy's girl. you're in the center of daddy's world and she's hanging out for like 10 minutes until she stopped so yeah she's great but like I really like that

I might try and then it's time my sister being a dick yeah yeah just sing over it yeah sister sister have a little child is sometimes it's theme tunes it doesn't really matter either way my favorite is Alfie Alfie

I don't know that I don't know her discography I know Surprise, surprise. Surprise! But, oh, I'll look into what Andrew, I swear. Yeah. So this is from R, this problem. Hiya.

Hiya. Hiya. Ah says, um, I have a problem. I turn into Helen when drunk. I'm not... What the fuck? No one's offended. Kind.

Well, I'm not going to be offended. It's not about me, isn't it? But that feels like, oh, God, I've got a problem. This is feel pointed. I turn into Helen Bauer when I'm offended. in what way? She's got arrested several times. What the fuck?

Have you been arrested? No. Have you, have you been arrested before? I've been in the back of a police man. You have, haven't you? Yeah, but I haven't been arrested. Yeah, at an M&M concert.

That's it. Yeah. Your uncle took you to it, didn't they? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do I know this? I probably said it on a podcast. Yeah.

I listened to a lot of your podcasts. And she's just regurgitating material. I'm a husk, fat, yeah. I'm a husk. No, I've never been arrested. I'm really thinking now. No. I got caught shoplifting,

but I didn't get arrested. You're a fucking criminal, bro. I am. I'm a criminal. Where's my bag, man? I need to watch this bitch. Don't worry. I've hung.

No, where have I put it? Oh, no, what is that? Yeah. Wait, wait. So, right, go on it. I'm normally quite a reserved person, friendly, but not too outgoing. But after a few drinks, I'm telling everyone about my hygiene routines, my rocky relationship with my mother, and the mole on my left labia.

Wow. I don't have a mole that was assessed, but carry on. It's a strain, though. I think I'm scaring people off. Is there anything I can do? Scared people off from what? From being amazingly open and delightful and sharing news about yourself with people? I mean, I'm going to try and step.

I'm happy to Catherine's role here. Give up alcohol. If you're worried that your behaviour is changing and you don't like yourself when you're drunk, why not drink? But what's not to like about someone who shares? Well, obviously they think there's something severely wrong with being like you.

Is the problem more, how do they get over their, like, post going out anxiety of like, oh, I've shared too much? Maybe that's more. Oh, I know that because I do, I do overshare. Like, I used to more when I was young. now I'm older I don't do it so much like now I'm able to be like even if like you know when you're like I've had it a couple times recently when you're in like comedy car shares and like you can see it going away when they're talking about someone and you're like I'm not

having anything to do with this yeah and you just go like I'm just going silent right yeah not you Andrew I know we had a comedy car share at the weekend but do you feel when you when I go silent I feel like I'm suspicious you know what I mean have you ever been called out for it like oh so and so it's gone really quiet no I have yeah what is this in the car sharing Yeah. Like, why are you like about gossip and stuff? Like, what's the vibe? Yeah, I don't like gossiping.

But the thing is, like, for example, say like you upset me or something. And then I said to Alison, oh, Helen really upset me. Like, that's not gossiping. I'm trying. And then you're venting. Yeah, venting. But then you would be like, oh, maybe. But then when it's...

That's different than being like, oh, my God, I fucking like, this person. Do you know that they told me about this really personal thing about them? I'm like, I don't want to know. I don't want to know because I'm able to control my... face when they tell me that, when they tell me it individually, and I've got to be like, oh, I'm so surprised. My favourite type of, like, comedian gossip is, like, uh, whose parents are, you know, are rich. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, that is the most of comedy characters, and it's never a surprise. No. You don't have to guess who got bought a flat and it's like, yeah, no, yeah. I could have guessed that. I just hadn't. And that's not harmful as well, because it's public knowledge. You could find, you know what I mean?

People tell you, like, it was relationship style. Yeah. like that. Oh yeah. I also was crying about this or I'm like oh have you ever had someone be like oh so and so got a really bad review in something I'm like oh I don't like oh my god who gives the fuck I know because it's like what you read reviews you sad bad that's all that's literally my first you're gossiping on yourself you either googled them in their name and review yeah which you're allowed to do only for yourself yeah yeah yeah yeah and then you're ready you fucking freak no that is absolutely freak that is like looking down someone's knickers to me I'm like

It is. Impres on the knickers. Yeah, that's true. Oh, I don't know. Because I think, the older you get, the better you get at being like, oh, this isn't information that these people need to hear if you have fear the next day. Yeah.

Also, yeah. I think. I think hygiene routines is always very attractive and funny. Yeah, hygiene routines. And mom's stuff is like, because people feel differently about their moms. So if you're being honest about it, then another person might hear that and they might be fine.

I think keep doing you, hon. Finding a good group of girlfriends that you can talk about the mother-daughter relationship and like interpersonal sibling relationships with is all really helpful. Because to be clear, your mum's also doing that with her group of friends, but her trick relationship with her mother and her daughter. You know, I think the issue is doing it with people you might, like, this are, sounds like they're doing it in like group, like people they might not necessarily know, be close with.

So what I would suggest is maybe have a vent to people that you're close to and that respect you and will keep in confidence. Alcohol with close friends, drugs with big groups. No, or you can just vent. Vent before you go out and then go and get smashed and just dance and sing. Oh, it's like a tactical wank, you know, like a lad has a wank before a date so he's not too weird. You can have a tactical vent. You just ring up a, like, child line.

I think a tactical vent. is actually really smart. That would be really good. But also, the shame of, like, having overshared something, if it's oversharing your own personal details, yeah, it can feel a bit cringe. But, like, if the people don't like it, then they're probably not your people.

They're not your people. Like, I love oversharing with close friends, but I know so much about them. I hate people that call out trauma dumping. Do you know what I like? I don't like people trauma dumping on me. You're a human being. Fuck off.

Yeah, you know? Trauma happens in the world and people are going to talk about it. And you can either, like, listen to it or, but don't, don't make that person out to be a bad person just because they've shared something. I used to have a bit of material about how it's my favourite part of a relationship when you become friends with someone where you try to out tragedy each other.

Oh my God, yeah, me too. Just being like, oh my God, my mum's really tricky, my mum's dad. Like those sort of conversations. I loved them. I used to live with a lady, we'd be in comedy and we would say such horrible things about our own sexual assaults to each other. It would just be like, bah ha ha ha. But finding those people

who are on your level as far as like I want to say all these things and get it out and also it is easier to do them when you're drunk because people don't do that big serious reaction and obviously like these things have like serious like topics

that it needs that serious reaction but sometimes you just need people to go like oh my fucking God shop yeah that's it it helps. Yeah I think like either you'd be okay with it or get a new set of pals yeah I think you'd get a trauma group

yeah nice do you know that would be cool if there was like a you know like a book group but it was just about your own trauma you know and you just read out read out your own diary get people to read out your diary for a month no a diary I mean who keeps a diary well like if you if you knew you were going to go to this group then you have to keep a troll diary that is a bit weird do you want to start one between the three of us no thanks you just need that year being like this is terrible advice Guys, we're going to have to wrap it up. Okay. Can you please tell our listeners whether you can see you or hear you or find you online? Yeah, yeah.

You can see me in your dreams, baby. No, you can. Ain't my voice. Do you ever do, oh, you might not have to do this. But sometimes if I'm making like phone calls, because of my name, I have to be posh. Do you know what I'm saying? So I'm like, hello, yes. This is Madame Fatia El-Gorri, yes.

That's really amazing. I know, it is, right? Al Gorey. Yeah, you have to do it like that. And I was doing it to someone, and they were like, that sounds more sexy than posh, like. Because you have to be quite, because you've got a foreign name, in it.

You have to be fucking, like, listen, asshole, like that kind, but you have to be polite. Fatia El-Gore. You sound like the caramel bunny. I do. Or the milk tray man, if he was a woman. If he ever spoke, because he just breaks into houses. Please, I really want you to plug your stuff.

So I'm going to do a talk. I got a tour called Soup and it's good it's on until May I'm going to be playing like the Monkey Barrel and Glasgow Stand and Newcastle stand

all that type of thing and I've got this new podcast coming out of Poppy Hillstead but we haven't come up with the name for yet but if you type that in about a month hopefully it'll be up or just go follow Alison and all the social media I've literally seen it earlier today

she's got all the tiles up with all of her tour dates on it and then obviously her podcast will go straight on that so just go follow her If you don't already, she's been on it before. But we'll tag her in everything as well as Fatia. Yeah, so I'm doing my work in progress at the moment, which is called a cockney stacking bowl. I saw a version of it.

Was it this time last year? Yes. I fucking loved it. I was laughing so loud at the back. It was amazing. Chaos, pure chaos. It was, yeah, it was bad. It was mental.

But the ideas were really funny. But the performance was mad. I was just fretting in those people. You really were. Why it was mental. I loved it. That's what I do. And then I wonder why people are like,

I can take you. Because I'm there like threatening to bust their head. But anyway. In a really funny way. So yeah, I'm just doing like working progresses and loads of like other gigs and that. And if you go on like my Instagram and I've got a link there with all my gigs where I'll be and stuff.

And yeah, thank you. And that's it. Tag them and everything. Yeah. So make sure you get them both a follow. And thank you. Thank you so much.

And join us next week when Catherine Bohar is back from filming for ITV2. Woo! We could not make this podcast. You were so grateful to all of our producers.

Thank you specifically to those in the executive land. Our executive producers Guy Goodman, Simon Moore's, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Sarah Deacon, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Matthew Thomas, Natalie Quinn and Grace O'Reilly.

Thank you, thank you. And thank you to our Jesus who we love and respect so much but I am looking at this list and there are still some names I'm not fully sure about Flesh is chuckered and hope for the best It's Richard Bicknell L, Richard Bold Neil Redmond Victoria Hutchison

Harold Van Dyke Tim and Dom David Walker Rachel R Sady Cashmore Claire Owen Jones Jess and Nick Zoe Sarah Molly Ryan Fink Cordelia Rachel Page Helen A Tina Lindsay Graham Marsh Amy O Reardon Abbey Woff Matt Sims

Luke Bright Leah Kate Spencer Tristan Liz For Tis! Anthony! Oh, no, wait. What's happening? It's not Anthony Conway, it's Anthony Conway. I was corrected recently. What do I say?

We both say Anthony. It's Anthony. Apologies, Anthony Conway from the executive producers. Now back to what might be Anthony or Anthony in the producers. Clow, Becky Fox, Emily G or Guy, Dean Michael, Stephanie Catracea,

best guest I've got. for chivers, chivers, chivers, we don't know. Carrie Sooth, Carrie Sooth, who knows? Charlie A, K-3, Haley, Worf. Or Worf. Or Worf. Or, no, come on, Worf. Or Worf.

Or Worf. Well, if it's Worf, H, and a A in it. Thank you very much. And if you're not a producer, an executive producer, but you want to support the podcast, please leave us a review on Spotify or on Apple. Please go and subscribe to our YouTube channel. The amazing Alex is doing so many great clips. for us. We want everyone to be able to see them. Give our videos a like. Follow us all on social

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