Trusty Hogs - Ep126. MAILBAG SPECIAL / Tits, Teeth & Train Delays

Episode Date: March 21, 2024

We delve into (barely scratch the surface of) the Trusty Hogs inbox once again! It's always joyous to receive updates from problems past, and we have some lovely ones this week. Plus, new quandaries to "solve" and tangents to get distracted by...TOUR TICKETS: www.trustyhogs.com/tourThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew Thomas / Madeline Quinne / Grace O'ReillyPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Emily Gee / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Hayley Worf / Aussie Steph / Hope Briggs / Jam Rainbird / Nathan SmithWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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out. Bonza, good eye and welcome to Trusty Hogs in Australia. We're going to be bush pigs. I don't know. I'm trying to think of an Australian version of Trusty Hogs.

I think what we need to say is we're going on tour. Both of us. Yes. To Australia. We'll both be playing Melbourne and Sydney. You'll be playing Melbourne and.

Sydney and Brisbane and Perth. Fabulous. I will be in Melbourne. I'll be at the Weston 3 at the International Comedy Festival. You can buy tickets from my show now and at Sydney I'll be at the factory theatre and you can buy tickets for my show

and in Melbourne I'll be at the Greek which I have looked on Google Maps and it is very close to Catherine's venue isn't that so cute we're super close and then no I think you'll be picking me up I think I need to check that but come pick us up can pick us up Sydney I'll be at the factory theatre

with Catherine and that's super close to the ice cream place Brisbane I'll be at powerhouse and in Perth can a powerhouse be inside of a powerhouse she will be. I'll be bloody there. And at Perth, I'll be the Perth comedy festival for the Regal Theatre.

Cool. And we'll also bring Trustee Hoggs live to Australia. Melbourne and Sydney, bitches, it's on sale. I've never said bitches before my life. It felt really wrong. It felt really weird. I said it and I was like... Biches get your tickets. No, that's hideous. Well, anyway, see you there, Australia. Ozzy, Ozzy.

No, we've been over this. Hoggy, hoaggy, hoagy. Yeah. Oh. We both got it wrong. We'll see you there. Is that your teeth? Which teeth?

Back teeth. Are you that hollow? Sounds like you've got wooden teeth? Listen to the glock and spiel. One second. Go. Do it again. That's really fucked up.

Welcome to episode 126 of trusty. I'm going to the doctor about that. I hope that's in. Well, I'm not going to the doctor, but my wooden teeth. You've got wooden teeth. I'll just polish him off. fine. That's such a weird.

Let's hope I don't get mites. Hi, this is a new episode of Trustee Hogs, your favorite podcasted by comedian Catherine Bowhart and Helen Bauer. Comedian Helen Bauer. Comedian Helen Bauer. Otherwise, there's no reason for you to do what you do. No, I want to be a party girl instead.

Call me party girl Helen Bauer today. Party, okay, fine. I'm trying to think of one party I've seen you willingly go to. Let's take ecstasy and dance naked. You would do the dancing naked without the ecstasy. And yeah, and this is an episode of just. the two of us usually we have a guest but we have so many problems backlogged problems that we must got problems and yeah and we also have problems that we must do a mailbag special and so here we are

welcome through the fog step forth the trusty hogs yeah you're gonna give them your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem they'll have guests On the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hugs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not I have a confession

I ate too much cheese Just before I'm full and kind of weird I feel weird You smell like fondue as well Do I actually There's a cheese behind How much did you eat?

Okay so you know that Italian place that you like On Greek Street Well, I went there and, oh, God, it's hard to breathe and talk at the same time. And I got what looked like a normal size of slice of vegetarian lasagna, corsette, pistachio, ricotta, mozzarella. But... It is the most charming Italian deli.

It transpires that the piece was, like, dense, like, beyond my imagination. And there was basically, like, three slices of corsette. The rest was just pasta and cheese, and it was divine. Oh, my God, it was divine. Woe was it good But also I feel Tired and sleepy and sick and sore But also I'm coming off a weird night

If I may, I'm coming off a weird night What happened last night? Oh Helen It was my last preview Before my Soho Theatre show starts the tour And you thrived? Oh no But if, okay

You know the need you go into your last preview It's you know, okay so if you don't know this Basically I'm starting A Soho Theatre run on Monday Which is the start of my tour Basically, the show has to be ready. And so I went to Litchfield, which as we've discussed on this podcast before,

is the furthest place away on the earth. And I went to Litchfield. And first and foremost, I'm going. And I'm like, I'm going to read my notes on the way. I treated myself to a train. I treated myself to a train. The worst newly qualified driver. Treated myself to a trim because as you know,

I've been driving all over the country and I've been exhausted. Can I also say, I trained to Lichfield recently? It's actually a pretty easy train. Well, funny you should say that, Ellen. No, what did you do? funny you should say that. First of all, I get to the overground where I live and it keeps saying it's coming, but it doesn't come. Keep saying it's coming. I try to get an Uber,

but everyone's trying to get an Uber. So I can't get an Uber. Keep saying it's coming, but it can't, it won't. I'm there for 27 minutes. I know at this stage I'm going to miss my first train till I feel, my first option to get there on time. That's okay because I've left time for two because I'm not necessarily like about. Then I get onto the overground. It starts to move, but then it stops. But between places that you can get off, which means that I'm then they're stuck knowing that I'm going to miss the second train to Litchfield which now I mean I now know it's not I'm not going to make it on time so I call the venue the venue agree that they'll come and pick me up at the station is it the lovely venue the church exactly oh the person

that runs that divine divine divine said I'm like wicked I'll get that train I'm going to be 20 minutes late later than the show starts to the when I get into the train station but we'll go up half an hour late I get there I obviously desperately need to pee but there's no way into the venue unless you go basically by the stage. So I, to go in, get on the stage, say, hey, sorry I'm late. Also, Cyber. Been holding a piss since none eating. Can I please go to the toilet?

Well, the audience are all sitting there. You went for a week. Yeah, they're like... Just down the side by the bar? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I run into the toilet, and this woman goes, well, somebody needs the toilet badly. And I was like, I don't have the shit.

I just... Your husband's waiting for a show, ma'am! Oh, my goodness. And then I come back out. Now, I'm already in, like, speed-talking mode because I'm panicked, I'm frantic. I feel awful. So it's you.

you were raising the emerald dial. Indeed. So it's a bad start and it transpires. They hate me. No, no. No, no. Helen.

Helen. I am doing my bit about the house share and this woman leans into her husband. The play? I love that bit. Thank you. Me too. It's like usually a banker

and the woman, this woman in the front row is talking really loudly to her husband and I'm like, is everything okay? And she's like, he's like, she just doesn't know what a house share is. Shut the fuck up. I was like, excuse me what?

then he's trying to explain to her incredibly loudly I was like do you need help and he's like no no no it's for common people I'm like Litchfield what is this

some sort of fucking Tory stronghold so we're in Litchfield what the fuck guess what it is a Tory stronghold and I've gotten furious about it within like oh 10 seconds of being on stage

we are off to a horrible I don't think they hated you I think you hated them oh no it was mutual okay not all of them but like the people who messaged me afterwards

shout it to the people who messaged me afterwards were the ones who were like under 85 and they were like do not change your show just because of that that was weird and bad and they were mean and they were like it was homophobic of energy anyway shout out to Litchfield

thanks for having me I love that gig by the way I really do love that gig I just had a really tough one and then that easy train journey that you're talking about it's so funny that you should say that because I got to the station

leg it back to the station and back late obviously because the show started late and I have fun chat and then I get there and the train I've dashed for has been cancelled that's all right there'll be one along in another 25 minutes that doesn't show up

not ever says it'll never say it's cancelled just doesn't show up an hour later I'm still stood there and eventually I realised no train to London's coming they just aren't any so I have to go to rugby so I go to rugby and then I got a train from there to London but the first train to London

from rugby cancelled I get the last train you can get from rugby, I get home at 20 past 2 in the morning and I had like plumped for a train ticket because it would be easier. Anyway, I think the show is going to be wicked. Privatise the railways. Privatise the railways.

And may I say this, all of that is to say that you know, a bad dress rehearsal. Sometimes a bad dress rehearsal is a great thing. No, it is apparently is the best thing is to have a bad dress rehearsal and then an amazing opening night. And way I say, I could, would just, If you like me and my comedy

and you wanted to come next week to Stoho Theatre You're aware that this is coming out in like three weeks' time because we're recording in advance at the moment I don't know if you remember that because I'm going to Australia for six weeks Yeah

If you like me and would like to come to my tour show On tour, especially if I'm coming to your area and you think Huh, we're a Tory stronghold Please book a ticket, please! Okay, old a shot and everyone in Hampshire That's direct exactly at you Oh, please.

So all my hamptych, girly wellies. Let's make sure we're booking an early. Shoal serve rosy. Oh my God, I'd love to. We'll actually sell an extra ticket in Hampshire. Oh, wicked. Thanks, guys. So that's what's going on with me.

That's really... How's your week been? Yeah, really good, actually. I mean, I got, okay, I got locked out again. But apart from that... What? Well, I got... I didn't know if I got... I don't think I technically got locked out.

I got locked in. I locked me and Sunil in our garden. Oh, that's locked out. I'm locked in. It's really, really... trapping actually. That really is both. And it was because he watched me do it and then he went

you're a moron and I was like why? Because basically our back doors if it closes it locks behind it right like instantly. But that's a new that's a bad system. That's a new thing since we got robbed so my force of habit is to just close it behind me and then I can just

reopen it because it's like windy and it's cold out you know what I mean? But there's no code? No no no No, it just locks. So I was like showing Saneal and I was like, can you, can you stand inside? Wait, you have to bring a key out every time. Yeah. Or just leave it open, but I don't trust that because of wind. Yeah, it's a terrible system.

So he was inside and I went outside and I was like, no, you stay there a minute. I want to show you that like, if it closes, I want to try opening it from the outside just because I don't. Like, it feels weird that it like wouldn't work that way. Yeah. And I'm doing it. I'm like, oh no, it doesn't work. And then he comes out and he's like, yeah, it is weird, but I think we'll just get used to it. And I was like, yeah, because it should be able to.

and I closed it. No. And he went, yep, you're a fucking moron. And I was like, oh. So he was like,

call a locksmith, let's just get them over here now. And I was like, no, there's more solutions. There's more solutions. And he was like, just call a locksmith.

He's there having a cigarette. And I'm like, oh, I'm trying every window, throwing pebbles to our upstairs neighbors. He's no wall you can hop. There's, right, so you know the fences around us?

Yeah. And then he was like, okay, so what do you do? You hop the fence. I'd already got the picnic table over to hop the fence to get over to like the fieldy thing behind us that goes up to that slip road and I could hop that fence because there's like a thing for the slip road and he's like so what do you do you get around the front and then you still can't get in the front door anyway

because like our door is locked so you still need to get through that one and I was like yeah well I'm going to do it with a credit card and he's like well no because they had to have a big bit of plastic to get in that's not how it works so eventually I did call the locksmith but it was the same man no no no Shout out to Stefan. Hey Stefan. I guess he must be so tired. Yeah, he was like, hi again.

No, I was like, in a different door. And he had to like, I had to explain to him that he had to like break his way into our flat and then come find us in the garden. So we were watching the door. Like, see the coat shaking as he was breaking in. And we're just like waving. Like, please. And it's so cold. Apart from that, I know, 154 pounds.

I can't even mock you because remember I had to hit myself in the head. with that locker like three times. Yeah. Ain't no judgment from me, my darling. 154 pounds. I have another confession to make. I hope by the time this comes out, I'll be back to being a normal nice person.

But you know when you get the jitters about your show and you become entirely self-involved? Never. Yeah, okay. Well, imagine, if you will, that you think comedy is really important and you're super self-involved. Okay, yeah.

Roll play for me. I have been such a monster. I just, like, realized on the train here just like maybe it's like I'm so tired that I've come like full circle through to enlightenment but I'm like wow I've just been the most trash friend but particularly girlfriend no no not mean just like so self-obsessed

like just I think it makes you it can make you really like a bad partner when you're like all consumed by a creative process when you're like starting the process of like or like finishing the process of like when you're about to go on tour I'm just such a perfectionist that is all I can think about But I think your girlfriend will get that more than most people will because she also does this process. Yeah, but she's not a condo about it.

Yeah, but it's because there's two of them. Yeah, you're right. Like it's different. It's different. It's different. It's different. It's different. Well, I think it's not easier.

It's not easier. I think it just matters less. I know. This is why I'm terrible. No, I'm going to say it. And I say exactly what I think it is. It's like not saying it's easier doing different things. It's just when you're putting yourself out there as a stand-up comedian who does

stand a comedy like we do, which is very personal. It's not absurdist. It's actually our life. And we know reviewers are coming, as they will be for you at the beginning of your tour. You get reviewed at the start. You're being judged on you as a person. And I think... It does feel like that.

Some type of comedy you're doing where it's not you exactly and it's not, you're not going to have a personality review written up in a broad tree. And I think that is just such a different thing to go into. As well as like ticket sales... She's been so nice, by the way. It feels like you're in a very public personality contest. Yeah. And that's emotionally quite tough.

Thank you for saying that I've been feeling like really like petchered. But also like to be fair, she just gets the worst of it. So you are a bit bitchy. But you always have been. That's not like as a new thing. I know. She knew what she was buying. You a bit she loved you when you were doing a show.

But she's so nice to me and I just think God, I need to be nicer to this one. Yeah, well, what did you just send her? Oh, um, I wanted to cheer her up because I realized I've been sort of a self-involved, Dick Wad, a sort of selfish, vacuous doom hole. And I thought, what will tear her up? Okay, can you be a bit, bit kinder to yourself? Nope.

That was so mean to my friend Catherine. Okay, I'm actually too emotionally vulnerable for you to be nice to me. Because that's okay to be emotionally vulnerable. But so what I did was I sent her. I just been a bit self-involved and I want to treat her a little bit more. Yeah, and so I made you film a boob video for her and you did a really nice job and you put water on your tits and it was honestly really nice.

I felt like you were Amy Polar and Mean Girls in the original one. Like your camera was already up. Oh, yeah, well, I was like, you're doing amazing, sweetie. The phone was already up. The camera opened. I think she'd already hovered on record. And she was like, oh, I didn't really bag up. Can you get your, can you get your breasts out for Ellen, please?

So I did like a little scoop and a push and then I got them even more. And she went, yeah, that's it. That's it. You're doing amazing, sweetie. And then I was like, oh, Catherine, smiling for the first time since I've seen her for this like 15 minutes so far. So I got some water and start sprinkling over and then she went

Yeah, that'll do Lovely stuff But the thing is It's so nice Because you gave her a gift I could never Hey now You know

Stop being a bitch Get the implants Be a good girlfriend Get the implants I should I should get the implants Do you reckon we should do that The same day

Like you get implants And I get mine reduced I think ideal scenario If I may They take it out of yours And put it in mine Doesn't work that way Why?

I thought it would It doesn't have done some research Why I just take a little bit have you around with me all day, every day? Maybe I'd be funnier. I genuinely thought they would just, have I talked about this before? They just suck out some tit and they just put the tit somewhere else. If you get a breast reduction, they move your nipple. They take your nipple off and they move it. Whoa. That feels, that feels frightening.

And also, you don't get to say where they put it. What is they're not going to put it on your back then? No, but like, how happens if they go mad? You know what I mean? What kind of mad do you think they're going? Like top of boob nipple. I don't think they're on top of boob, like boob all underneath and nipple at the top. No, because what I think, better theory, anyone who gets in... Like, you know that alien who has like an eye, just like an eye on top?

I tell you why I don't think you need to worry about that. Why? And you know how I feel about breast reductions in your case anyway, I'm against it. Yeah. And yeah, I just think I just think they're perfect, so leave them alone. No, but I do all... Women should suffer back pain for all eternity. For the Great Rock! Yes!

The devil! The devil invented breastwomen. reductions Unless it's gender affirming I saw Goody Bauer in the office But here's what I'm thinking Right

I'm thinking that Anyone who gets into boob jobs is a pervert And probably just loves boobs And so they're not messing around With the thing they love

They want You think plastic surgeons Are all perverts I think everyone Who gets into the boob game likes boobs And I think

If I could have my time Again I'd be in the boob game myself You know you can restart a career At any point like if you wanted to

that felt so mean like I'm about to go on tour and you're like you know just FYI you could change just you know there's other options for everyone in this room this goes to Andrew and M as well we could all start again

if we wanted to I'm not going to become a plastic surgeon oh actually that'll be time that's going back and doing biology and chemistry I imagine

and also I'm like imagine a person with OCD being like in a surgeon I just think like a perfectionist I'd never be happy I'd just keep taking You'd be perfect. They'd be so sterile, so clean, and everyone would leave, like, flawless.

Yeah, except that they'd be like, okay, they've both been reduced. I'd be like, I feel like they're off. I'll just do a tiny bit more. Just do a tiny one. Suddenly people would be leaving with concave chest because I'd be like, I think at least it's even. I think it's even now. Bye.

So, you know, it's better that the perverts are in. If I ever get mine done, I want you there with me. I would be grieving. But not with your camera out. I'd be saying goodbye. I'd be like, creepy camera. I'd be like, don't cry for me. please

and check it into the squishy ball so I can carry it with me forever I'd love to take it home for a little jar oh no I wouldn't I said it but I didn't mean it I'm weird today I'm tired No thanks You know that museum in London

When they have loads of body parts and jars What's it called? Body Works Hontarian Hantarian not bodywork Yeah I think it is the Hunterian There's one that's attached to like UCL University of London

And they've got loads of things and jars. Yeah, Hunterian Museum at the Royal College of Surgeons. Royal College of Surgeons. I think my grandfather worked there for a bit. I don't think that's for me. Do you want, it's really close to her. Oh gosh. And Andrew? I don't think that's for me.

Jars? I don't think so. I don't think the jars aren't the appealing thing, surely. The contents of the jars. I read a book called Geek Love and in it it's like about a family who work in a circus. Well, they sort of run the circus. and like the father insists that the mother takes loads of like drugs

and does all these different things when she's pregnant because he wants his children to be geeks which is like the original meaning of the word geek is in like someone like different with like a different body and so some of the children don't survive when they're bought on some of the babies and then they store them in jars and they have it as part of the circus as a display and the siblings have to go watch them yeah it's actually but it's beautiful this story it's about like

the family and them all like growing up together and like siblings and like oh it's really special it's like a modern american novel maybe more than 80s or something i think i preferred when you were reading tracy beaker i still read twice i think i prefer those thank you finally started tomorrow tomorrow and tomorrow it's very good you said that last you said the weeks ago are you not finished by no okay i've been listening to finally started I've listened to counting the cost. Have you ordered when McKinsey comes to town? Yeah, but I haven't listened to it yet.

Okay. Because the more I listen to it, the more I think you're not going to like it. I've already spent a credit on it inaudible. I feel so bad about this. Let's not fight, let's bring. Let's do. Prune a guest. What the fuck are we doing?

Look, you're full of cheese. I'm in charge today. Okay. It's going well. Just mozzarella. No, and ricotta. That's fine. I think cheddar hangovers are harder.

Okay. When I have like 500 grams of cheddar, which I have done before. It's mentally very tough to get through. 500 grams. In a lasagna or something. You know, when you're like, oh,

in a whole lasagna for the week. When you're like, this will be a lasagna for the week and then you just get like focused on the binge and you're like, well, I've got to finish it now otherwise it'll be there tomorrow. And then that'll ruin tomorrow

if I've got to get it done today. Really good actually. Yeah. Yeah. It's quite intense actually. Yeah. Yeah. So everything.

Definitely need to get more people on the team. Everything okay at home. What is she suggested? Another person on the team. Who specialism is? Nutrition. Yeah It's hurtful when they say

They need to get someone else On the team though isn't that? And are they saying Have you ever had that on therapy Have someone go like I think we need to bring someone else in And it's like Helen

I I'm at a hospital Exactly I was like They were like We need to get a team in They were like Let's get you to the team

Let's get you there now You do that team Yeah This team could not be bigger Yeah Babe I've been there Yeah but I went swimming again And I told my therapist

And she was like That's amazing Because you're doing something Amen That feels good Do you like it? Yes, I do like it. I went in the medium swim lane.

Whoa, she's speeding up. How was it? It's too fast for them. Oh, were you? Are you going to be in the fast lane next week? I could if I wanted to. I just don't want to because I think that's where knobs go. I do agree.

There's a girl in it with like earplugs, goggles and a nose clip. And she like stretches on the side of the pool. And it's like, honey, we're in a lot of Santa. Come on, she doesn't stretch on the side. That's still better than that woman. She doesn't need to. It's still better than that woman. that woman who cut her nails on the side of the one in

there was a woman cutting her nails on the bus yesterday I thought of you and I was like what's that sound because it was like oh my god you should go to jail you should go to jail oh my god that's so yeah it's confident I'm anti-prisons except for that you're anti-prison just in general yeah really

completely unless it's extremely violent crime yeah yeah yeah yeah I don't think the prison system as it currently stands, works. I mean, if we were talking about Scandinavian prisons. Yeah, exactly. We're not talking about that. We're talking largely about

large-scale privatised, disgusting harm machines. Yeah, it's really bad, isn't it? Yeah. Let's not go. Even if they make us. Let's make a pact. None of us are going to jail.

Do you agree? Last time you did this, you said, oh, let's make a pack, none of us end up in hospital. I don't remember that. No, I don't want to go to you. Please. Please, I don't want to go.

Please. One of us is going to jail tonight. Wait, what are you doing tonight? No, please. I'm going to go to a party. I'm going to come to do a puzzle, so I'm probably safe. I'm gigging. Where are you gigging?

Backyard and Covent Garden. You'll be fine. Please don't make. Catherine's going to jail. I wouldn't do well in there. You'd be fine. No. On a big communal unit where you can cook, you'll be fine.

I'll visit. No, thank you. I'll put together your care package. No, thank you. Thank you. Okay, Andrew, what are the problems? This isn't funny. It makes me anxious.

Making me very happy with me. Would you like an update first? We start with an update? Yeah. Fabulous. Okay, well, this is an update from A. Hi, A. Oh, we haven't. A and A.

No, we haven't. Hey, A. A says, hi guys. I wrote in during the lockdown to air out some grievances involving my marriage to a man. Here we go. I'm 35 female and pansexual. Our son was an infant during lockdown. The pandemic brought a lot of conversations to the forefront As neither of us felt fulfilled in our marriage

We agreed on ethical non-monogamy So that I could express my full sexuality He was cool with it in theory But it wasn't exactly the two-fem bisexual threesome fantasy He was envisioning Well, you can't blame a guy for trying He's a dreamer He married to a dreamer

The masked women and NBs I started dating Were not having any of his shit And he was really acting gross and entitled as if he could just veto and or watch. I told him he could date too. My excitement about his dating was not a comparison, but rather a thrill that we could take turns going out alone rather than asking a grandparent to watch our son

so we could have a date night. Red flags everywhere we looked. Monogamy to a man somehow felt constituted and if I'm honest, sexually unfulfilling. We had lots of problems previous to the E&M discussion and while polyamory and E&M are valid and lovely ways to form romantic bonds with people. I personally came to terms of the fact

that I was using it as a Band-Aid to justify a baby step in getting out of a bad marriage. I believe in E&M, but I used it incorrectly. However, it did serve a purpose in helping me to leave. I only adopted Pan as a label

to include non-binary people about 10 years ago. My ex-husband was my first boyfriend, so the fact that I married a man surprised everyone. We are now happily divorced and excelling in co-parenting. Yay!

We both have girlfriends who are very supportive and respectful of the other's boundaries. Right. And all with our son at the forefront. I never knew I could feel this way about a romantic partner. She is patient and understanding about my transitions after marriage and I couldn't be happier. Writing trusty hogs was the first time I realized my feelings before I came forward. And it was an invaluable experience. I wish I could remember what we said.

I'm sure I was perfect and we have no regrets. Go on. That's a really beautiful thing then. What's the end? The end says, My girlfriend doesn't speak any English, but she gets a kick out of seeing me watch your YouTube videos while she makes our breakfast.

So she speaks another language, but her girlfriend does. One hope. If you're like, I've never felt this way about anyone before. Maybe they're just kicking through breakfast food. She knows that my Thursday mornings are my me time. Thanks for everything, A.

Oh, A. That is so nice. It sounds like everyone in your family isn't so much more of a better place. Yeah, everyone sounds much happier. Also, now your kid gets full parent, slay. It's so funny, isn't it, how the guilt is so entrapping.

Like, the guilt of what you might do to your partner in letting them down by breaking up with them is such that you would keep you all in an unhappy circumstance. And, like, look at that, not that long after and you're all thriving. That's so brave and so brave. It's also cool and brave to, like, name and own what happened in truth. To be like, well, E&M is definitely for people

and it's beautiful and also I used it. And also like I used it incorrectly and also like welcome to you know adulthood in the world like don't we all like we've all done things and gone like I don't know that I was doing those for the right reasons. Particularly when you're like figuring out your sexuality or you're trying something new like sometimes you will like take a misstep

but I think it's not a misstep because it'd get you to where you are now as well as like saying it out loud and like writing in and letting us read it out loud means that other people will hear that and be like oh that might suit me or this might not like blah of that. Yeah.

That's wicked. You didn't go into it with wrong intentions. You were just like, oh, this isn't working. Maybe it's the monogamy element. Absolutely. You weren't planning on like,

and I'm sure you didn't use anyone. You were just trying something out. I think it's amazing. Woohoo. What a happy update. A lovely update. Goodness me. I do have one more update

before we get into the mail bag. Exciting. This is from Elle. Hi, Elle. Hi, I wrote in before and you answered my question

about a year ago on episode 46. with Mary Beth Barone. Oh my God. That was an Edinburgh. Was that an Edinburgh? Yeah, the year before last. Fuck off. Sorry.

Don't worry if you don't remember me. I went by Elle and my problem was about me being 17 and gay as hell and falling in love with my best friend of a few months and how to go about maybe making a move and figuring out how we felt about each other. I think I do remember this. I do remember this because I was like, you got to say. Yeah. Well, let's see what Elle did.

Elle says. With exams, I got really. really busy and couldn't listen to the podcast as much. So now they're over, I'm doing a massive catch-up binge listing. I really respect that. And also, fair play for your commitment to your studies. A big part of the reason my tour show stressed me out so much is because I had so many podcasts to listen to as well.

You've got to put the podcast first, guys. You've got to put the podcast first. Go on. So still always makes my day better and I'm such a huge fan. Thank you, well. Now that context is given, it's time for the update. I'm 18 now and he's still my best friend. I took your advice and tried to feel it out

and while I wish I could say I was brave enough to make a move, you guys were right. I was 17 and it was far too vulnerable for me. He and I are still so close and my feelings have only gotten bigger and more intense. I'm genuinely in love with him. Oh, yeah. What makes it so hard is I'm pretty sure he may feel a similar way.

He knows I like him. We ended up having a conversation a while ago and it came up. But ever since then, it's just a lot of talking around. it. We flirt and are affectionate and recently started kissing each other on the cheek and holding hands a lot when we're together. Elle, I think you've accidentally ended up in a relationship here. Sounds like a boyfriend, but amazing.

So kissing up the cheeks, holding hands. And I know this sounds like, and okay, what's the issue? Just go for it situation. But you guys are understanding enough to get how terrifying it all is. I get stuff like this wrong a lot. So what if I'm just reading signals wrong? Outside of any romantic feelings, he's my best friend, which makes it so terrifying because I don't want to lose him. But also the idea of him with anyone else makes me sick. Okay.

Yeah. That's, yeah. That's a lot. I can see that. But then you have to do that thing when you're like a teenager and you just like pretend to get drunk even though you're not actually that drunk and then say it. We said it at the time and I don't need it's good advice. It's such good advice.

Then again, I also did this relationship for so long, including having sex with them. But being like, oh, but I can't say like, I think we should be a boyfriend and girlfriend. And they left it so long. I think you got to say something. I think you have to open. You're a psychopath. I think you open with what they've just said, which is. you're my best friend

I want to be clear that comes first and foremost for me I do not want to lose our friendship as you know I think I also have romantic feelings for you would you be open to discovering where they could go that is so brave what do you listen to before you say that to hype yourself up

the thing is right it sounds to me like if you don't have the conversation you'll end up hurting each other more and that will end up ruining your friendship right because something will be undiscussed and then it will be forced into conversation or or they're like I have a or he's like I have a girlfriend or I have a partner and that's devastating and like you said it makes you feel sick then you're not going to deal with that particularly well which will also damage your friendship whereas the holes will come

and go whereas if you separate yourself from that situation if it's not linked if you're like conversation about it isn't linked to anybody else then you'll be able to have like objective feelings about that person hopefully have processed it by the time he's with anybody else but I would strongly suggest saying it

I agree there's more to agree but to actually do, okay go on no there's I'll go say there's not much more sort of context

than like other people saying that he thinks he likes him and all that sort of stuff also that he's in a band and L writes songs for the band which is very sweet

to some extra context oh my God that's so cute also if you're 18 and you really fancy someone and they hold your hand and kiss you on the cheek

that's basically coming. Do you remember at 18, like the handhold? Like how much of a girl like that could be? I didn't kiss anyone until I was 19. But like if someone held your hand and kissed you on the cheek and you really fancied them when you were 18. It didn't happen. You would have got,

okay, you would have been sucked. Get the towel and sweet. Really. Really. I believe you. Also, I know things are more liberal now than even when I was at school.

But that's still not like, oh, we're just like 18 year old friends. That's what we do. I think that's a good sign that you are romantically. I think so. I think there's a, a good chance. I don't think

anybody, I don't think if you've been kissing on the cheek and holding hands and hanging out all the time if you were like, hey, I have feelings to you that the other person could be like, what? So, at least that's the starting point. Have you met straight guys who were younger? No, I... I've had guys who I've literally been in bed with and they go,

you want me? Fancy! Like, it's insane. Really? It's insane out there. Yes. Oh, okay. They have no idea. I thought it was just banter. they thought it was like funny yes I thought it was like having fun

oh my gosh I'm very used to lesbians who are like we've had sex once and they're like so kids would you say you'd want kids and you're like oh my god we're living in too

we're all living in very different one this is what's frustrating I've told a best friend that I've fancied them before and it's fine it goes out fine you know what did they say I've done it a lot

I had a real problem with differentiating I've actually done it twice in my 20s I did it twice yeah platonic love and romantic love

but are you still really close with that person yeah I'm still great friends with everyone that I've ever said I love you too

one I lost one I completely like I just totally but I chose to because I was like oh I know because they said no and I was still in love

with them and one hmm it's not the same as it was before I've had two people do it to me and I've said

you have actually I've said I don't feel that way but in both circumstances I could see how based on our friendship they thought there was a chance that that could happen like friendship and flirtation and love and attraction are all they all sit very close beside each other

and they can often intermingle with one another and I like I know part of me was like how dare you like I just was like I actually just felt like I just felt bad I just felt bad that I was letting them down. Not bad that I was like, not that I'd been misleading or anything, but bad that I was going to cause some pain. So you put your clothes back on and left.

But what I will say is that both of them then couldn't be my friend. Yeah. Which I also understand. But I just like wouldn't say it if you're not willing to take the no, maybe. That's the thing. But then it's like that you're in love with someone and there's a chance that if you say something,

then you won't have any time with them that risk is very frightening because it's like but we're fine as we are but like oh it's real how many times have you done at Andrew but I guess what I'm saying is that I think that but what I'm saying is I think often the person

who gets the no the rejected party in that scenario is the arbiter of whether or not you stay friends sometimes because if they're comfortable with a no then it's usually okay I think it's I understand what you're saying as far as, like, you ask, they say, no, I don't fancy you. If you're respectful of that. But I think it's like, it's so...

Okay, so, yeah, I needed to... First one that said no. I was like, oh, what the fuck? But I ended up moving country. So just like a casual reaction. And the other one, I was like really hurt, tried to push on his friends immediately, but found it really difficult.

like found it like really and then like even now it's definitely like so much better now but I can still feel it slightly sometimes because they really yeah actually that is more context to that because then he went out with one of my close friends even though I asked him not to

so that's different isn't it oh we've fallen out about this before because I think that's fine yeah I don't think it's fine not that soon after when everyone's got the context fully and yeah to openly pursue something

despite the fact that I introduced them and I was there when they met and that was the only time. Do you want me to argue with you again? You're like fully making your case. I think it's cool, sir. Helen's like the prosecution rest. And I think if you do do it

then you don't do it in front of that person and tell everyone. I don't. And don't allow the person who's been rejected to be the sexy. Like we can't. That part's grim, but I, that part's grim obviously

but I guess I don't think like a declaration of feeling. Because you're a whore. You're an actual whore. pose before bros I just don't think one owns another person's sexuality in that way No I just don't think that's like a metric Do you also like you owe it to your friends

To be like so respectful of their like Their boundaries and their life And like this is we're getting off topic Because we have a problem that is in this one I think you're so wrong Andrew um where you some of them you did banish to be friends with Yeah all of them Yeah gorgeous

I mean some of them like the a friendship sort of drifted apart or like ended naturally but like after a few years like it wasn't related to me saying that I fancied them or wanted anything you know yeah that's so nice I love that for you three times you've done it

so we've got a you should do it from Andrew we've got a you should do it because it's been a year and you still feel it from me we've got a hell no you should do it but it's it's not as easy as you should like it's it's really tough and you'll be grateful you did it in the long run

like you'll look back in five years but it's really tough when you are that completely in love with someone it's so but you've got such a different experience of rejection than you do yeah you've rejected I've like been like fully rejected yeah like and that's almost exclusively my impression of love yeah is putting myself out there and being rejected so I think we see it so differently oh I'm like this could bruise you to the point where like your life goes completely off kilter

I think my rejection has been experienced at the end of long relationships. And if that were my exclusive experience of long-term relationships, I wouldn't be getting into those again very fast. So, yeah, I do hear what you're saying. And you're right, it absolutely matters. But I guess I'm like, you're never going to be the kind of hopeful and unburdened that you are at 18. So if you're going to do it, maybe now is the time. I've never regretted doing it.

Oh, that's interesting. I'll say that very clearly, but it is tough. yeah oh god i don't for a second take it lightly that it wouldn't be hard it's going to be it's going to be hard and you have to account for the world where he says no but he won't but he might i don't think he will he's in a band and then he might i don't trust bands no either do i and then he might date your friend in front of you and that's okay and you better be getting paid for those songs you're writing yeah you better be in pay

get no he will not date one of your friends they're 18 then again i remember when my friend made out with the boy that I used to work with and I really fancy when I went away for the summer and Fleet High Street and I was 17. And you think that's a crime. I didn't think it was a crime. I thought it was fucking bullshit. I fucking told her. That's my... Am I like the most

typical straight woman of all time? You're allowed to... Like everyone's a whore apart from him. And if I fancy you, I own you. No, I know! I'm not like that. I'm not that person And he's like, I, I fancy him and I said first and no one else can fancy him. I was so aware of that at school that someone would be like, I fancy him.

And I was like, right, and I will never do that in my head. Like, I was like, but. But then you did it over and over again. There's a level of loyalty between friends that just is. To have some respect with it or like at least talk to your friend and make sure that their feelings are as important as your own. to be that yeah this goes back to my show

that I did two years ago I just hate that whole like you're the most important person it's like you're not yeah yeah but I also think that

did not yoga with Adri and me right now oh no I wasn't going to oh my God I so felt the energy of yoga or Adrian coming into that oh no I was trying to get out of this without making the argument worse

and I couldn't find a segue just just I need you to Tell me that I was wronged. Say poor fat Helen. Look me in the eyes and say poor fat Helen. Poor fat Helen. Tell me I deserve love.

Helen deserves love. Of course you deserve love. I love how I'm having the exact same crisis as this 18 year old and I'm 32. That's what my whole, that's what my new show is about. Honestly, my whole show is about, like, how am I having these feelings again? Like, how am I here? But that is love. Love is like the risk upon risk upon risk

When everything says not do Like a rational brain wouldn't do it Okay let's just follow the main rule then Always tell someone if you're in love with them Unless it's a family member That's the rule Sorry yeah like obviously Or like a dog or something

Oh my God Yes sorry yes Within the legal balance Within the legal bounds Yeah but I think even cousins I know that's legal but it's still like It's not encouraged No well I don't know about you

Hey, only one of my... Or would you oversee? Oh, God. I have to remind myself for that rule all the time because I've got so many fucking fat cousins, man. It must be tricky.

No, they're beautiful. I've got beautiful cousins, but... And you said you fancy them first. And their wives are fucking whores. I fancied him, past. I met him when we were babies. Oh. We used to do that at school

Not just about like people we fancied in our year group But like teachers And it's like you can't fancy Mr. Manzikis She fancies Mr. Manzikas Oh my God I wonder where you got it from Like it was mad And you thought you owned him?

No not me No some of the other girls But it's where you learn this bad day Am I very like pious right now No it's very sweet It's a sweet But also like to be clear I'm very Christian

I feel like I'm very much like on the sermon in the mount like that's wrong and you must never Can I just say I by the way I don't ever think you should go out of your way to do anything that you know will hurt somebody unless you feel like compelled to and even then you should be delicate

and gentle and understanding but I still think you're allowed to date the person that your friend fancies You're allowed to you are allowed to do that and I don't think that they should act like it's a crime to your friend first Well not first you could explore it and then tell them

No She's tossing the table Next problem please Yes I've had a few more updates But we'll go into a problem Because I could discuss this for an hour Andrew Oh we can tell

So you're going to need to really change the subject here No pressure But if this involves any romance We need a gift Give me a bad relationship with the mum No this is a shared living situation Oh brilliant Great

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This is from B. Hi, But it just starts, Dear Catherine You know what, B, fair play, I'll have a little break I'll have a coffee, I'll drink more water No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You fancy Catherine, I get it. God forbid I get in your way.

Whoa. Are you okay today? It's a tough whole episode. You look really sexy in your green shirt by the way. Go fuck yourself. You do? good chat. Sorry, you do. Also, can I tell you, by the way, the most common comment I now get on any video or picture I put up on Instagram?

Slay! They've all started to do it on your behalf. As Helen would say, Slay! No. I think we need to hear B-out. I think there are, in Jen, honestly, there are things that I think you'd go to each of us for advice. Oh, that's interesting. And I have a feeling this might be quite... So we don't think it's a cyst. No, I think I do the cysty sort of stuff. That's what I'm saying is we don't think of this problem. Yeah, I get the sort of like neurodiverse question.

Catherine gets the mental health and the queer things. So let's list. The queer things. The queer things. But B is a gay man as we'll find out later. Surprise. I just found out what Bussie means. Oh, yes, I had to explain that.

Yeah. Boy pussy. No. Yeah. Fun. What's that? Bussy. When you tuck the, it's a.

it wouldn't you do the... No, no, no, as in, it's just an ass. Oh, it's your ass. Oh, it's your ass. Oh, yeah, yeah. So, no, Boydussy is ass. Oh, because everyone old. Actually, I just don't know.

What did you think it was the penis? I thought it was like a euphemism for a penis. Bussey. Like the bussy building in Peckham. Do you think the bussy building know that? Because they rent out of all these places. Andrew, you've got a lovely bussy. Thank you.

You're welcome, baby. I'm so old Busy So sweet Is that because you can like Park things in it Like a bus or a dump truck It's like a bussy

Like oh here comes the bussy I got a bussy today But he says dear Catherine Okay great I wonder what the bee stands I love learning Dear Catherine go on I'm a huge fan

of the show and respect your advice giving so much that I've helped several friends trap men in Wells. Oh, that's all you, babe. Yeah, interestingly. No, no, God forbid I'll join in. Hell is furious today. No, I'm just, no, I do.

Okay, yeah, go on. I'm currently in my mid-thirties and I've been living in a one-bedroom flat for the past three years. I've been fortunate to pay a reasonable rent well below 40% of my salary. holy shit how oh my god um however i recently received notice from my landlord that they intend to sell the flat given the current state of the london rental market finding an affordable place has become quite daunting

and i'm now considering the possibility of moving into a shared house in a previous podcast katherine briefly touched upon her own experience in a similar situation and i'm eager to hear more about her practical coping skills and insights on navigating shared living arrangements to provide context, I'm a cis gay man who recently became single, potentially facing the prospect of moving into a shared house with strangers. Considering the logistics of shared living, the fact I'm going to have to sell, so I should give away a lot of my existing possessions to scale down, and the raw emotions off the back of a breakup. One question in my mind is, is it even worth staying in London? Or should I contemplate quitting my job

and starting from scratch back home? Brackett's Wales. Or somewhere new? Any experience you can share will be appreciated unfortunately the only person that may have to go live in a well is me love the show B you'd be bloody lucky in a well and I'll tell you that it's lovely yeah but you probably meet the company would be terrible oh the lads you've thrown down there

god I'd be sick I wouldn't be able to handle the company do you know what I think first of all sorry to hear that that is such a lot of change all at once part of me thinks whoa whoa whoa whoa let's not change jobs when you've just had a like a big life change on the other hand part of me thinks like

if ever there's a time to revamp everything it's when stuff's already up in the air and let me tell you this you'll get a hell of a lot more for your money in Wales and listen if you said like where you were from and then where you were from with Litchfield I'd be like say it's Wales Wales is freaking beautiful

it's beautiful and the gayest gay men in the world like hate from steps live there like there's got to be a reason it's so beautiful and you could probably like you know really do a lot better in terms of property and if that would make you happy, then hell yes. What I will say is if you are going to live in a house share with strangers, which I've not really done, barring ones,

I would say make sure you have a break clause, not because it might not be wonderful, but because you don't really know what those people I like to live with and won't know until you do it. There are an endless number of things that you have to consider when you're living with other people, all of which I'm sure you're very afraid of, so I don't need to list the bad things.

What I'm going to do is unusually uncharacteristic for me and instead say some of the good things that I've loved about living in a house share. There is more space, like there's more common space than I've ever had before. I, when I have had my heartbroken company, especially like a company that doesn't necessarily want to get into it all the time, but there's someone there to say hello to of an evening

can be really, really nice. It also stops you like staying in, just vegging in one of the telly sometimes because you're like a bit like come on the world is going people are around me they're living their lives i'm going to do the same thing in the house share you'll go back down here oh no of course but like a little bit you know oh i cook all my meals i get dressed every day yeah yeah yeah but then you live there for a while and you're like who gives a fart yeah um yeah and and then the other thing is like i think it's like you often meet lots of cool new people by living in a house share because they have friends right

it. So like you do tend to broaden your social circle, which when you've had a breakup can be gorgeous and really, really lovely. Also like, I just, I just don't think it's as bad as you imagine. I think what I would say is the difference between living in my house shares in my 20s versus 30s are so different. People in their 30s, generally speaking, have accepted that they're living in a house share often to try to get on the property ladder or with a recognition that like, yeah, it's not ideal, but given that we're doing it, we're doing it intentionally and like wanting to have a nice home and so people generally take better care of it people have a little bit more disposable income so they're inclined to get things like a cleaner or like buy fresh flowers for the house

or take care of it and that's what i've noticed that's a big distinction obviously like senile's i live in a house show with a 43 year old man yeah but who just downloaded a golf game on the xbox well that sounds wicked that's a contribution to the flat which one i don't fucking know um yeah i just i just sometimes you will live with people that will buy fresh flowers and hire a cleaner and sometimes you'll live with someone who will give you access to a golf game yeah and maybe that's more where you're into be but honestly do you know what i and this is entirely projection i would pack up my shit and go get a big old place to myself in wales i'd stump the dales i'd stump the dales in wales the valleys the valleys yes my apologies i'd um have fresh home-column

meals at my parents' house occasionally. I'd have sex with hot Welshmen. I'd get that fresh, delicious air. And I'd visit London on holidays. Cardiff is a freaking great city as well. Is that a crazy call? No, I don't think it's crazy. I think like, I don't know. I think everyone's in London at the moment is sort of like starting to look around and go like, is it actually worth it? Like, I've got a lot of friends like making that choice at the moment. Well, we live in a billionaire's playground desperately like begging to keep our room affordable. And like no one's rent is like, you sort of like you can just because you find a good rent doesn't mean it stays that way I mean this office is a great example of that for us like yeah you sort of like think you found

somewhere and then it's like oh just constant challenges so like you'll know best for your situation but just to add on to the end of katharines it's just like whatever i feel like we put so much pressure on these like moving situations or where we're going to live like nothing's permanent just try something out for a bit yeah like if you can work remotely or get some sort of like leave and figure that out why you want to go like stay somewhere and if you don't like it, come back to London it's not coming anywhere. Not for like 20 years or something

I think then it goes under water. It seems more rational to do like a six month contract in a house share and then check if you like it and then decide whether or not to quit your job and then if not go to Wales then it does to quit your job, go to Wales and then come back to London

but both are very viable and doable and nothing is permanent like you can absolutely change your mind on these things. Yeah, I've had some lovely house share experiences some really lovely ones. One fucking mental one though. Yeah, me too. German guys come in my bedroom

and put on my swimsuits. Yeah, did photoshoots and stuff And was that the good one? He was charming Yeah, and he got arrested at every supermarket Around us in, where were we? Why? That he, I had to go in and buy all his food for him.

Why did he get arrested? He was stealing, yeah, Ketron couldn't stop stealing. Oh gosh, that's hard. I know. And then he... He couldn't stop him. He was so mad. I was like, I just started doing stand-up

and they were like oh you need a picture to send to like the clubs to put on their posters and I was like oh god and I was like really like it didn't have any money so I went to one of the photo automat booths you know where you put in like the four euros and you get like four like four like yeah and I cut that out and I took a picture really close to my phone and I was like that's my headshot gorgeous he saw that in my room came in took a picture of it and changed his profile pictures too on social media that's kind of funny I was like, what are you doing? And he's like, I don't know, just making you laugh.

Okay. And then I'm like, why are you in my swimsuit? He'd be like, yes, it's a bit tight in places. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Are you wearing underwear? No, I'll wash it. Yeah, you fucking will. Okay, I would kill.

Next one, Andy, do we have another problem? But you won't necessarily live with him. Yes, yeah. I think he's in like Vupital now. I think you're fine, yeah. Another problem before the, before we go to the extras? Let's do an update. Yes, let's finish on an update.

How many problems? Have you done our problems before we go to the extras? Oh my God, Helen picked up her glass, panicked, thought she'd spilled it, really, really, really, like, wobbled around. Is everything okay? What happened? Did you get spooked? Is your glass haunted? My God, frightened!

By picking up your own water glass? It felt like a spilled, but it didn't. I'd like to watch that bad. I really gave myself a fright I got whitened I know I saw you spook yourself That was weird man Your face was terrified and incredulous

Yeah Is that incredulous Is that angry No unbelieving Like what the fuck is there What the fuck is like a WTF? Just say WCFAs That's my word of the week

Nice Because you're so incredulous No Andrew This is an update from Elle Hi Elle Another L How exciting

Elle is she her for reference and she writes Hi Hogs I have a positive update on a problem I sent almost two years ago Two years ago And you answered it last week No no

We actually answered it in the Amy Gledhill episode Fuck me That was back in Vauxhall It was a long time ago In our shipping container Yes And Elle says I was 16 at the time

And the problem talked about me feeling much less confident after the pandemic and struggling in conversations, constantly running behind and feeling generally quite shy and unlike myself. I'm very happy to update you. Now we're 18 years old. This feeling has 100% gone away. Shut the fuck up. We've got an 18 year old who likes herself on our podcast.

I'm completely secure in themselves and everything's fine. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. This podcast should be so popular. You're welcome. That bottle that. I don't trust this, Elle. We're parenting a child to fruition.

We've done it. We're mothers now. No, she's on an upswing when she's written this. No way 18 year old is that. No way. Let's not undo it. Let's not undo it. Go on, Elle.

I think it was more of a nanny McPhee than a mother sort of situation. Like once you get well, you sort of stop listening. And so, well, we've graduated now. We're all fine. You know what I mean? Okay, fuck you, Andrew. Sorry. We're not losing that many listeners.

Once people get well. We've lost like four listeners. We've cured. four people had really damaged 10,000. It's so mean to be like when people get well, they don't listen to the podcast anymore. Which means that everyone is listening right now is really not good. That's way harsh man.

Remember we're sending you all love. I've done almost a complete 180 and especially in the last year I can feel myself getting more and more comfortable and confident in social situations. I love going out. And I even have a boyfriend who I met a Halloween party. Whoa. Men fix everything.

I've always said it. Get yourself a man, honey. Get yourself a man. You'll never regret it. Are you struggling with your mental health? Get a boy. Get a boy. Bring him in, write his dick, you know?

Whoa. Hell of everything. 18. Come on. We're not a Catholic school now, bitch. Rush him off. No, come on. Let's find a line.

That's the line. I found it. We'll call it there. Go on. Ironically, I'm talking about Catholic school. Elle says that they met their boyfriend after randomly going up to his group and making conversation while she was dressed as a sexy nun, healing my Catholic guilt one day at a time. Sexy, sexy staff.

So he's into nuns. Or Elle. Maybe. Yeah. Or nuns. Put on sister act. Watch his crotch. See what happens.

Oh, my God. Maybe it'll get hard. Jesus. No, no, we got that. Nobody was like maybe it'll get soft. Maybe the little lesbians wouldn't know about erections or something. She's not a lesbian. No, no, the ones who are listening.

Okay. Weebling about listening away. You think they don't resigning. Looking at a crotch. You think the reason, you think, I just love your logic that it's like, it must be that they're gay because they don't know anything about crutches. It's like, most lesbians know about penises and how they work. Really?

Yeah. They just still don't want it. I don't know when you found out about it. Go on, Andrew. Elle says, I've also been known to talk to absolute strangers, even people on trains. Okay, Elle, you've gone too far, baby, you've got to back out. You're 18 and you're walking up to groups of strangers dressed as a nun and talking. You've gone mental.

No, it's nice. She's gone too far. It's not. She's happy and confident. She's 18, and she's talking to random men on trains? We have to rein this back. You're right. It does feel like, yeah, she's going to get in trouble.

Elle does actually write that she almost. has the opposite problem now where she sometimes feels herself becoming annoying and talking too much. But I am trying my best to remain more level-headed. This is so nice. Elle says, thanks so much for your advice. It really was true

and I think my shyness was definitely a small phase which I shouldn't have overthought so much. Although I have changed, the podcast still remains a nice constant in my life every week and I am so grateful for it. Lots of love, Elle. Lots of love, Elle. This is incredible of a one.

180, but we do need to find the line somewhere. But also as someone who, yeah, I take it too far and talk to people and train sometimes, so I also understand it. Helen, every single time we go for dinner, I feel like I'm third wheeling with you and the waitress. Every time, without fail. I do very well with the help.

Every single time I'm like, I guess I'll just leave, shall I? Like, no, no, please. Oh, she's sitting down. Please, join us. Like, I'm getting the warder. It's crazy. People are nice. It's nice to chat. It is nice. Yeah. My brother did that the other day. We went for breakfast for his birthday.

You have a brother? Yeah. You know this. I thought you had a sister. Yeah, Kerry. Yeah. I didn't know about the brother. Peter.

Peter, that's my brother's name. Yes. Is he older or younger? Older. How old? He's 11 years older than me. So 35. Thank you for not making me guess.

Sorry. so your age 11 years difference well you have a brother huh Andrew's the youngest of three

well carry on but we went to a beef eater for an all you can eat fry up breakfast you went to a beef eater I've not had a beef eater in so long what is a beef eater

even if it's a puff chain it's like green king or something yeah for an all you can eat fry up yeah so they had continental

and it's the ones that attached to a Premier Inn, but we went not as premiering guests. Can I say it's just a hotel breakfast and all you can eat fry up? Is it a Premier Inn a hotel breakfast? Yeah. Yes, when they're attached to pubs. Okay. But if some Premierians do have their own, so

anyway, let's not get into Premier Inn. Some have their own rooms, but I don't trust the rooms, I'd rather go to the pub. The crappy box one. You know, they're like, here's your breakfast Oh, travel lodge, yeah, that really is. Okay, that's what I was thinking. That's mental and a travel lodge. I've got one right here. Let me put it on the camera. Oh my God. You don't, no, we're not advertising them. They're terrible.

The breakfast to go. Yeah, it was like six quid and it was really shit. Yeah, it is. What was in it? A flapjack

and some cereal, some U.HT milk. Yeah, it's really bad. I'm now using it to store tax receipts. Oh, lovely. Never change. So what's Peter like? Is he the fun one?

Yeah, he's a bit more adventurous and outgoing, I'd say. But he... I'm obviously not the fun one in my family. Andrew's the fun one. Okay, wicked. Carry on, Andrew. Watch his eyes.

line up as he says is he hears the word taxes. Taxes. Yeah, but look, he's laughing. He's having a nice time. He loves them. He just shudded with glee. Okay, go on. Peter, you and Peter. We went to, we're at the breakfast with a whole family and my brother did exactly what. Oh, you made it sound like you guys were hanging out,

but it was a whole family. Well, me, my mom, my brother and my nephew. You have a nephew? Oh my God. Shut the fuck up. Sorry. But he started, he talks to... Wait did you have the time? I thought you lived here. I know, I don't, I still live with my parents.

Oh, I've moved back to my parents for a few weeks. In my head, I... No, in my head, Andrew lives in the podcast studio. Well... This is like hearing about a teacher outside of school. Okay, go on. This was such a throwaway anecdote. It really was.

I know, please. But he talks to waiters and waitresses exactly like you do, Helen. And he accidentally invited the manager of the hotel breakfast to come and sit with us, while she explained at length for 15 minutes, I timed it, the economics of how the hotel breakfast works and how it compares to other fry-up breakfasts in the area. I bet you fucking loved that.

I bet you loved the math. I bet you loved the math. Come on. But oh my God, lady, don't take up all the space. Premier N's breakfasts. Is it good? Oh, I really think they've put so much effort in the last couple of years.

Like, even in the bakery section, it's not just like the mini croissants, the mini pan and chocolate sauce. There's crumpets, there's pancakes, there's a whole meal, white, Like, it has got variety. Any pano raisin? I think it's got mini panor raisin, yeah.

I don't like a panor raison in its normal size. I think it gets two burnt at the edges and it gets a bit dry. Also, I don't like them enough to eat a whole one. What I love me is a tiny panor raison in a little hotel. And I love it. A little food. A little food. Because then I can have a little pan of chocolate and a little panorresin and a little croissant.

When you get the little croissant at the hotel, do you have one for pudding? Crescent and one for Maine Crescent. Yes, one with egg in, one with Nutella in. Yes! I do ham and cheese. I do a ham and cheese one and then a Nutella one and it's so fun. I love hotel breakfast. Best hotel breakfast I've ever had.

It's really bougie. Go for it. The pig in Cornwall. And their breakfast is utterly sublime. Oh, the pig at Harlan Bay. It's so good. They do these big, warm, soft

cinnamon rolls. They do every kind of fruit just like so well prepared. They do the most beautiful yogurt, the most beautiful taste,

the most beautiful eggs. All the little eggs come in, like in beautiful egg cups and I know that's silly but it just makes such a difference the bread is stunning. Everything is,

the jams, everything is made fresh. It's just so... Okay, that sounds so good. So exquisite. I'm trying to figure out the hotel that I stayed in with the best breakfast.

That sounds really good. It's just like, and it's also just like stacked, you know, and you're not like, oh, sorry, is there any more melon? You're just like, I'm in a cornucopia of, like, it's like the Garden of Eden. You walk in and it's like, and you have to travel around it, but it's not so big that you get, you know, you're bothered by it. It's just, it's like being at a farmer's market where everything's ready to eat. That's what it's like. I like privacy at a hotel breakfast as well. Like I'm thinking of like good, I've had good breakfast where like it was like awkward.

Yeah. Okay, I had two best breakfast at a hotel. One at a spa with my mother and we went for breakfast one morning and it was just the quality. Yeah, I believe you. I believe you. But it wasn't a buffet set up,

which is not my usual go-to. It was great. But then there was like three weeks when I was younger where we stayed at like this really nice hotel in KL. Oh my God, yeah. Well, that's going to be amazing. I can't find the name of it. Oh my God, actually you just reminded me that I,

was stayed in a seven-star hotel in Manila when I was debating seven-star When I was staying That's not a thing My university paid for it For us to go debate in the Philippines And we were all kids

Who like had never seen anything Like this in our lives And compared to the juxtaposition With the poverty of the city Was actually horrific But we had never experienced anything like it And I'll just say this

Omelette Station Yeah You walk up They make the omelette to request This hotel in KL It wasn't an omel We had a sushi making station We had a miso soup station

We had a like Malay break Like roti chanite Like everything fresh Like bread making Like it was fucking insane I've stayed at many hotels With omelette stations Can I say it? I've said it

I've said it loads Whoa I love an omelette station I don't I'm not even up To the point where I think they go Sh There's dick of them

Oh my god No, where was the one they put us in for Comedy Stop tour in Copenhagen? Oh, I'd love to do that. It was really nice. Oh, I'd love to do that. What was the hotel called? I stole loads of pens from there. Helen.

Dina, maybe. Lovely. Oh, God. Gorgeous. Oh, two omelette stations. Gorgeous. The cheeses, the gems. Do they really have two omelette stations?

Two omelts stations. Why? Because there was that many people that wanted an omelette. Oh, okay. It wasn't like free range, non-free range. that's just so yeah if you want your hens battery farm do you go to that long

yes please yeah okay that makes more son oh god breakfast is such a good meal what did you have breakfast today oh okay so it was actually delicious so I was running late and as I've told you I've been a total bitch so I was a bitch on my way

and I was really because you were early here today because I was one minute late this isn't the first thing I did today it's not the first thing I did today anyway I was running late and I went to Hoika in Hackney Wick Howooka.

Hoika. Hoika. It's a coffee shop. The coffee is delicious. They use ozone coffee. Yum. Yum. Yum.

Put it in my tongue. But they also do a... And I had to wean myself off because gluten doesn't love me and also because I was spending too much money in there. But for the first time in ages, I allowed myself to go in and get their vegan sausage roll. Ooh. Which sounds bad. But fuck.

Sounds good. They've managed to get a consistency that is just... And the pastry is so salty in the best way that, like, the second it hits your mouth. like fuck it was incredible and I there was it was raining all morning until I got to the station with my sausage roll at which point for the seven minutes while I waited from the train the sun came out and I ate my pastry and only some of it went down my top that's the perfect breakfast yeah it was really really gorgeous because to have enough time on the platform not having to eat on the train you get it to stand and eat so you can get all the crumbs off you so by the time

you've done with the eating I love it when that happens it was exquisite. How was yours? Bagel. Bagel with butter and marmite. It was really nice. I love a buttering marmottie bagel. I actually made my first good overnight oats the other day. Did you follow the recipe from the jar?

That you took the picture of the other day. Yes! But I sort of had to wing it. Catherine was eating these overnight oats from like a really nice coffee shop in London. And she was like, God, and the jar is so beautiful. It came in a glass jar. She took a picture of the recipe. Did you take the jar home as well?

to reuse it and then try to recreate it did it work? I nailed it. Oh my god It wasn't quite as good as it yeah the secret

is chopping up a couple of dates into it and the secret is also coconut yogurt and the secret is also a little vein of peanut butter through. Vane.

A vein of peanut butter. I didn't like that description. All right. Oh Catherine, that was disgusting. Okay, well Oh dear. A vein. A vein, vein, vein, vein,

vein, vain, man, man, man. Oh, an artery of peanut butter. A clogged artery. I probably have an article. I did this podcast called... Did another podcast? I did somebody else's podcast. On my my bag?

Yeah. And it's about when you... It's about when you're... They take your phone off you and they look through your Amazon orders. Have you done this one? No? Yeah. And I did it.

Do you know what it's called, Andrew? My mate bought a toaster. My mate bought a... Thank you God. My memory's awful. But I was only did it the other week. Anyway, I did it and... Did you go through your Amazon orders and delete stuff before you went on there?

No, because I didn't think to do that. Two things became apparent. One, I spent most of my money on my partners. So it was just me constantly being like, let's not talk about that. Let's not talk about that. And the other thing to say is, the other thing I purchased with grotesque regularity

and in huge quantities was peanut butter. I'd never really told of myself as a person with a problem. You order peanut butter on Amazon? Yeah, because you can get those big huge bulk tubs, can't you? Shut the fuck up, can you? In the description of your episode, it lists peanut butter twice. Wait, read out the description of the episode.

I want to hear this. He did the math on how many kilos of peanut butter and it was honestly like so spooky. There are breakups, pillows, peanut butter, bedding, a panic purchase, peanut butter. And a Scotch Guardian Angel. Yeah. So listen, I think I'm really into peanut butter.

I'm into peanut butter too. It's the best. And the point of that is to say that I think if you cut me open, I would bleed peanut butter. God, that'd be a slow bleed out, wouldn't it? Apply pressure, there's no need. is she's taking her time quickly mop on the ground

people are going to slip they won't they'll get stuck it's fine so yummy get the toast I just love the stuff I love the stuff and I put it in everything

I put it in my bake I put it in everything do you like do you ever make a laxar and put peanut butter in that I've never made a laxia oh my god it's the best like a noodle soup

like a big noodle soup oh sorry okay I do know what that is and it's like super easy you just put like coconut milk and like red Thai curry paste and then you just have to put in peanut butter and stir it

and then that's the entire base And it's like, it's just the best base of all time. Yeah, yum. And you can make it so peanut-tee. Because then it sort of becomes like a satay laxate. That sounds delicious. It's insanely good. Yum.

I do like making a satay as well. I think we need to stop doing the episode because both of us are starting getting a bit moist. Are we hungry now? No, I was eating cheese. I can hear our mouths get moist. I ate too much cheese. But this is special because we're going to end this episode, hungry. And we started with your wooden tea.

And now you've got wet mouth. Oh gosh, do you think they're going to decay? What happens to wood when it gets wet? Expans? Does it expand? Imagine my face just gets bigger. My wood and teeth just keep growing and her mouth can no longer close around it. Well, thank you very much.

I'm Billy Ellen Bauer. This is the last time you see Catherine Bowhart like this. Bye, guys. Hello and welcome to the executive producers lounge. Sit back, relax, and let us thank you. Thank you. Simon Moores, Guy Goodman, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Stephanie Catratia. Oh, hello, newcomer and welcome. Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Matthew Thomas, Madeline Quinn and Grace O'Reilly. Can We Get You Anything? The Can We Get You Anything was creepy at the end. Did you not... I wanted to go for, um, uh, Stephbrood Wives. That is a hundred Nicole Kidman. Thank you. Okay. Wait, what should I do the producers list in? Slom in it.

Like pumba? I wanted to be like Ryanair flight. Oh Ryanair. Hello. We're from County Dingle Doodle. Wait, wait. Isn't there a country called like Dingle or Diggle or something? What's it called?

There's a place called Dingle. Dingle, is it? Sorry, just to check in. What do you think Ryanair is? An Irish airline? Yeah, but like it's not from Dingle. It's not from. Where's it from?

Dublin. Why don't you just do a normal accent? But that's like more like... They're Irish, people that work at Ryanair. It's more quality for money. Think like Icelandic. No, like... Stacey Solomon.

Thank you. I love Stacey. Mom's job for you says. Yeah. Okay, breathe. Stice. Bye, thank you so much to Richard Vignal. El, Richard Bold,

Sadie Gashmore, Zoe, Rachel Page, Halliday, Abby Wharf, Luke Ray, Kate, Dean, Dean, Michael. Did he say that wrong. Anthony. Sophie Sheffin carries those. Give me a new one. Give me a new one. I've gotten two more last.

Australian. Goodie and thank you so much to a wonderful producer from Dan Under slash you're probably in the UK. It's Victoria Hutchinson. Becky Fox. Tim Endorm. Royal Finko Dahlia. I'm irredin. Me, it seems, Tristan, Tess, Choliayai, Kai Sui. High Le Warr, High Briggs. Jam Rainbird

Jam Rainbird Stop is actually your name Yeah yeah Thank you so much for your support Jam Please be single And please contact me Helen Rainbird Helen Rainbird

Helen Rainbird Is a wicked name Jam contact me Helen Rainbird Sorry can you give me one more accent Texan Howdy Howdy partner

They're also Y'all want to go to the kettle range You're having sweet to Okay. I'm going to pray for you. The big of the hair, the closer to God. Okay. I'm going to pray for you. Okay. It's so weird when you go, for you.

For you. For you. I'm going to pray for you. For you. I'm going to pray for you. Okay. Welcome to Texas. And thank you. A big thank you to Claire Owen Jones. No. You can tell. No. Claire Owen Jones, Harold Van D. No. Come on. Okay, Texas, Texas

This ain't Texas I know, hold on Okay, Claire Owen Jones Claire Owen Jones Harold Van Dyke David Walker Jess and Nick Rachel R

Neil Redmond Sarah Molly Tina Lindsay Graham Marsh Lear Overend Liz Fort Clow an Aussie Steph.

Was that vibe? It sounded like the narration for like an American murder mystery podcast. I thought it was like one of those sleep time, you know, the ones where they're like,

you're going to go to sleep. I was thinking about a big Texas man on a kettle rain. Make it stop. Hey guys, thanks for supporting the podcast. We really appreciate you and we need you. We need you because Helen's alienating

if I may with that kind of thing.