Trusty Hogs - Ep129. LESLIE LIAO / Dominatrixes, Depression & Disposable Cameras

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

Star of Netflix, Just for Laughs and The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, we welcome stellar US comedian LESLIE LIAO! We get into the tourist traps of London, paying for publicity, and scotch eggs. Plus, Helen and Catherine are over the moon to be sipping from their brand new Stanley Cups...FOLLOW LESLIE: @ResrieRiaoTOUR TICKETS: www.trustyhogs.com/tourThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew Thomas / Madeline Quinne / Grace O'ReillyPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Emily Gee / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Hayley Worf / Aussie Steph / Hope Briggs / Jam Rainbird / Nathan SmithWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Download today. It's episode 129 of Trustee Hawks. I'm Catherine Beauchess, Helen Bauer, and somebody has sent us in St. Stanley Caw! Helen immediately filters this water and started to drink it

which I'd love to have done but I will be taking mine home to deep wash it No I rinse it You didn't You poured the glass of water You had By the way this is a podcast

About our gorgeous and perfect lives And then we answer your listener problems And it's dreamy welcome We're young British women Thank you for saying young Irish Wow I went to young before

I'd even tell with my nationality Whoa my priorities Have changed in the last decade Through the fog Step for the If you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech.

Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. If you're new here, we've wanted to be American and have Stanley Cups, our entire adult lives. I remember when I was seven and walking down the street and I saw my first Stanley Cup. I was born wanting a Stanley Cup.

I was born with an empty hand. Waiting for my Stanley Cup. I was so excited. I feel like I'm in a TikTok video and I'm about to go to Benny Hanna. Yeah. And my feeling is that you haven't cleaned to that properly.

I rinsed it. I rinsed it. If you get a new cup, it comes clean, it comes clean in a pack. It doesn't come. Clean. It comes, like, touched by who knows? By machines. This isn't handcrafted, Catherine. I think it is. And also, you stole the gorgeous green color, so I've got pink, which I am happy about too, but I think you were meant to have the pink, and that's the Irish one. I own a lot of pink clothes, and I think if I wear a full pink outfit and a pink Stanley, then, like, everyone knows I'm straight. Whereas if it's green, they might be like, never know.

No, people know. Maybe she's bicarious. No, one thinks you're bicarious. I think they might. No, everything you do is for men. The amount... Even though it's so disgusting, it's so confusing. They're all for daddy. They're all for like Papa, you know? I'm seeing my dad this weekend.

Oh gosh. Yeah, we're doing... Did you pick a loco top? Are you ready? Yeah, I've got my sluttiest outfit ready for my dad's belated 73rd. You know what I mean, though? It's, um, me. Like, that just rolled off the tongue. And then rolled off the tongue, and then rolled off the tongue, and then rolled off the tongue.

you get it the point is. Have I told you this already what we're doing for him? No. We're taking him to see Dune 2 at the IMAX. I did tell you. I blocked it out

because it's so boring. Hey, um... So desperate. Please love me. Please love me. I like your films too. Have you seen the Cat Cohen bit on Dune? No.

Oh my God. Helen, you'd love it. As you know, all know, incredible stand-up comedian, Cat Cohn has an incredible clip online about how she doesn't like films that are about sand or ropes

and how her ideal genre of film is one where women look into the bathroom cabinet and say things like, Hello, Stranger. And she's so good at comedy! Women looking into mirrors is the best moment. It's an excellent genre.

Like whenever you picture like writing your own show or film, do you always have a moment when you look into a mirror in it? Absolutely not. I always include it. I have scenes where she goes around the house and covers all the mirrors. You know, that's more likely than my character.

You're a natural comic. I remember like thinking oh my god I always like because you know when you're really drunk on a night out particularly in your 20s and like everything feels like a movie right and then you'd like be washing your hands after going to the toilet and you'd look up into the mirror and you're like you don't even recognise yourself mainly because you're mashed up but and you're just sort of like this is a moment did you not have this?

I've had this so many times I do feel like this is the difference between us, though. I do think you think your life is a film. It is. And I worry everyone will forget about me. Like I'm like, you're like, my life's a film. I'm like, my life's not, it's like but a piece of sand in an endless dune. Yeah, so like a film that ends up like in.

But in the dune film, yours and Ia and I'm a grain of sand. I like to think lines on a streaming service. I don't think your film, like it might not be in a street. maybe you'll be like in a blockbuster or something. I'm straight to VHS. No, oh my God, could you imagine? Straight to VHS. No, I think we both would be good films.

We had a lot on our lives. We moved to London and we're thriving on the international comedy scene. I think I'm, I think I caught your depression. Oh no, did you actually? I think that you coughed at me so much when you had it that it left your body and went into mine. Oh no, I'm really sorry if you actually did catch it. I think I did. I feel sad.

Because you know that mine went. I know. That's why I think I got it. Fuck. Wait, did you wake up feeling bad? Because I know you still have got sensitive earlier. Do you actually think you've got it? Yeah.

I'm going to start back to therapy on Friday. That's good. It's good. It's good just to like get in there and just sort of like get some of it out of your system. I guess so. What do you feel the tired? He always has so many reasonable things though. You know, you can change therapists to a really unreasonable one.

I know one. I know one. Do you? Could I have an unreasonable? And I assumed her and I was right. Yeah, yeah, you're correct. Not my therapist. She's great, but.

He's my first male therapist, and I stopped going a while ago because I was like, this is a bit too much perspective. And now I'm back in need of some again. Wait, how much perspective was he giving you? He's just like, you know, like when I talk about, like, pressures to be thin, he's like, he just says really reasonable things, like. you know why I think exceptionalism is specifically necessary for me

and why I'm so uncomfortable being ordinary because I think you're really harsh on yourself but you're so accepting of every other body like you're not like someone who's critical oh that's interesting I'm very critical of my partners though are you I think that I can be

okay I've never been your partner I think I can be really hard to be around because I have such high standards for myself that I'm quite like I think that when I start to see somebody as like my family I can be kind of am harsh. Thank you for saying that, though.

That's a relief. I've never felt a critique from you. I mean, like, obviously we went through the phase of you thinking that I should be in Pilates with you. But that was more you need in company than anything. That's just I don't like to be alone. I know. Yeah, I hate being alone at all. I haven't been to Pilates in so long, which also makes me think I'm depressed.

No, it was part of the call. No, you can do what I do for exercise at the moment. What? So, swimming's gone. Already? Yeah, because I'm about to go swimming in Melbourne all the time. So I'm just sort of like, what's the point in, like, swimming now, right? Right, okay.

So, grow with Joe. I'm so glad we got back to you so fast. Grow with Joe. Oh, God, yeah. You're depressed, but I've got the solution. Talk to me. Let's grow with Joe. Well, I don't know if it's any good. Is it gardening? Because I want no part of this.

No, she's like a YouTube exercise channel. Oh, cool. And she's so smiley. And she just loves to do like low impact workouts with you. and they're so accessible and I'm saying this is someone who was not I don't want to jump around it's so fun

okay is she using weights or any equipment no equipment and low impact to the point where she's like your neighbours won't even mind and I don't even have anyone living below me like I'm just on the concrete ground I think that's for the best yeah because I feel bad for the worms

well no not the worms but I would say you're not like a quiet gal and you do a lot of running around yeah and Sineal I'm like Sinal I'm gonna go work out now and I make a massive deal about starting to work out and then 20 minutes later I'm like I'm done Oh that seems nice grow with Joe you say

I can send you a link But here's I'd love you too Here's the thing that I'm struggling with I'm going to do Zoom therapy Because despite having lots of sound of bedded I do actually find it the best Because I find I'm sometimes bad at like going to the place I do Zoom therapy I get it

Yeah but here's my thing I haven't lived with other people whilst in therapy And the question is Where are you doing it? I send Sineal out Have we not talked about this thing? I can't send all three women out the house. Yeah, that's tricky.

I can't be like, girlies. Everyone get out of this big house. Yeah, he either goes or I'm like, if you're going to be in, can you be in your room and stay there? But he, like, he says he likes the Tuesday morning, like, opportunity to, like, you've got to get out and get a coffee. Interesting. The problem is, you see, I already ask them all to, like, get off the internet and be silent when I do voiceovers every other week. And I think that's really the max you can push it. You know what I mean?

Like, I think that's the most you can be, like, What time is that? Like I had to interrupt Serena watching the Kardashians this morning and I just felt like such a bitch I had to be like

babe I need 20 minutes of the internet knowing the logistics of your house is there any way you could be like you guys have like downstairs

the kitchen and I go up to the living room and you go up to like the Brittany office Bonnie Day we wee wee okay

would you feel like comfortable doing it in their office yeah if they are okay with that it's just that if I hear like so much as a breath

of somebody else I'm going to be like by which I mean nothing Nothing, I feel nothing, I'm fine Because no one can overhear it And I don't know, I'm not saying anything that's incriminating But it's like, oh, I am. Oh, I am.

That's, oh no, you've committed. Oh yeah. Sick. Pancake wasn't an accident. Oh my God. Wait, have you actually committed a crime? Did you just not hear me say this? What did you say?

Nothing, nothing. Oh my God, what did you say? Nothing. Did you say pancake wasn't an accident? Because if you did, that's really fucked up. Did you say that? Rest and peace pancake. If you don't know what?

well that is, you're really late to the podcast. Pour one eye for pancake. Oh yeah, yeah, you're really late. You'd probably go back a couple of episodes. A couple. A lot of. Pancakes been dead since January last year. Oh my God.

I know. Pancakes cold. Oh no, that's really sad. Stop sipping like that. Can I tell you about what happened to me today? Oh, yeah. Had you ever stopped doing that? Yes, I listened to your depression.

Stop it. I think it's because I was depressed last month and you provided solutions and I feel like I got shitty with you for providing solutions so now you're depressed I don't want to provide solutions but I don't want to hear about it because I want to get it fucking back

I don't want to catch it back that'll be mental and empathy's not an option so let's go oh I'm sorry I'm sorry you come on okay what's the plan then is you going to do therapy

I'm fine I'm well resilient go on tell me I'm well resilient if anything I love it is a home away from home Yeah, I don't know, do an exercise class and take some vitamin D. Do you want some vitamins? I've got some vitamins in my bag.

I just went to boots. No, I get them from my food. I'm fine. Oh, yeah, food. Oh, no. That wasn't meant to be passive aggressive, by the way. There are vitamins in all foods. I'm having the best.

Most foods? Some food. No, there's not vitamins in all foods. I went to It's Tuesday, though, and had some of vitamins in it. I'm assuming so. The chicken terriaki on rice. Hell yeah, that's got vitamins in it.

Does it actually, and I had a kombucha, the passion fruit kombucha. Okay, sorry, you're a new woman since last week. I'm a new woman. You're doing Joe with Groh and you're eating It's soon. I did that and then I went to, because I was filming this morning. You've had my day. I was filming this morning, went to Ittsu afterwards, had a kombucha and a salady chicken rice thing.

And then, and then went to go print some photos from this camera I've had for ages. And I was like, oh my God, I'm going to pay for the. You've had a me day. I'm going to. Yeah. Helen, wait till you hear what I've done. Wait, what, oh my God, nothing. Cry.

I had an, like, honestly, like, late morning, early afternoon bath, two breakfasts, tried to get something from the post office, couldn't, and went home and had to sit and stare at the wall. That's the best day. That's terrible. Two breakfast is so fun. Do you not call it breakfast and brunch, or do you just say two breakfasts? No, can you have breakfast and brunch? Yeah. Isn't that like breakfast and unch?

Oh, that's cute. Thanks. No, because then I feel like you can't have lunch. You can have love. I want breakfast, brunch lunch. You still are left. Um, do you hear this? I feel weird.

I, you sound weird. Is this a good episode? No, I can feel, I can feel your depression. I'm sorry. Yeah, you know what? You should be fucking sorry. Okay, we can't both be depressed. Come on, let's see your pictures then.

No, they're not good. They better be tit-shel. I paid 17 pounds. They're all unusable. Oh my God, I have the most incredible story to tell you in the extras. If I have to ask a friend of my permission to tell it. Andrew, write that down. I want to hear it in the extras.

And if not, you just. just tell me. It's absolutely some of the most insane gossip I've ever heard these pictures are dog shit. Well I wanted I had a disposable camera

I got one last year. I know there's some of you and Andrew in there I'm so sure. This are terrible. And then I was like Aaron Chen. Yeah,

that's a nice picture. But I went with this disposable camera and I was like oh I'm going to get these pictures printed and they're all useless and I said to the guy

I was like I will pay for the one hour service and I went and sat in weather spoons and had a diet Coke but I was They're so bad aren't they? And they sort of like handed them over being like you've just wasted so much of your money there's like four that

have actually come out these are bad it's pointless isn't it these are really this is like how much money did this cost you 17 pounds to get them printed and i reckon the camera was like eight pounds oh my i know i'm such a fool but i think it's because people upload onto instagram like prints right you have a phone i know is they just do the effect go on andrew is it like the Brooklyn beckham photography book have you seen this what's the Are you trying to be May Martin with Polaroids? Is that what May Martin does? Yeah, they take Polaroids.

That is exactly what I'm trying to do then. I love them. Gosh. I love them. Oh, my God. It hasn't worked. Oh, no. I'm sorry.

Go on, Andrew. What's Brooklyn Beckham done? Oh, we know because he's like basically tries to be everything because he thinks. A photographer and a chef. He's a chef, though. He actually is a chef, isn't he? Well, I'm a chef in the sense that, like, I make meals I eat. Women can't be chefs.

They can be cooks. Oh, sorry. He did the collaboration with Food Network or one of the big food Instagram He's like, here's my take on beans on toast Or something really basic like that And it was literally like, get the toast, butter the toast Put the beans on the toast

And yeah, it's pretty crazy actually But he's the funniest guy ever Like he's doing that knowing that it's funny, right? I don't know that he does know He has to Because his mum is so funny Victoria Beckham is so funny Funny people can have dumb children

Yeah, that's true Dumb children Dumb was harsh That was hard, I saw you say it But I will say this funny people can have unfunny children and unfuny people can have funny children I feel like if you're doing

straight parents can have gay kids and gay kids yeah gay parents can have straight kids I could have a gay child I could have a straight child oh my god I actually don't know what I talk to them about

agree we should do a swap I can't raise a girl I can not have the emotional ability to help you can't raise a straight 100% you'd be so disrespectful to them like your little daughter would come home like this is my boyfriend you'd be like no

no he's fucking not he's the worst I hate him great good look with your accidental pregnancy could you we could not swap we could swap

we could think I think we could your red hair though if you ever give away don't you think and the size of my kids like raising something bigger than you

though I think that'd be great it would really make me feel safe I think sort of thudding around with my baby thudding

your baby thudding around I'd love that for the benefit of the listener I'm 6 foot one and morbidly obese no that's not the point. That's not it. It's that you're so tall and you are so flat-footed. It's nothing to do with

your weight and everything to do with the fact that you absolutely, every part of your foot wax the ground, wax the ground, wax the ground, wax the ground. No, let's be very clear. I just don't want to wear only orthopedic shoes. Well, I think that you would make last noise if you did. I was Googling it the other day because I was like, I need to get special trainers. Because I'm so, I am so flat-footed. And like, I do have like insults. I put in but with these shoes I'm wearing

these are like Adidas but like if you put the insol in then your ankles like out the shoe so it's got like

no support because you're too high up off the ground my love you need some orthopedic shoes yes so then I looked to ball of pedic shoes

I looked at wide flat feet and I just think if you're ever going to like surprise anyone say feminine at the end of that say it again

but say feminine you have wide flat large large feminine feminine feminine lady feet thank you

fucking hell to pay for 1.5 manicures. Pedicures, I mean. That's really not. Wow, I'm being a bitch today. I'm going to get a pedicure at the weekend. This always happens, doesn't it? I always come in and say I feel really shit and sad and soft when I do this. Not always, but when I feel this, I'm like, don't, because you have to be nice to me.

And then I'm such a bitch to you. I know, but I told you that. See what I'm saying? Being my partner's the worst. I'm sorry. I feel bad. Don't feel, don't make yourself feel bad. I kind of like it when you're bitchy.

Okay. I am. Also, I've got a Stanley Cup now so I can take it. manicure that's based on the um love is blind um cushions i feel well they're amazing are these a good sign of my wellness i think so can you just tell me what you asked for when you went in because they do look incredible but you did you just go into a manicurist and go like hey i want them designed off the love is blind i found an american manicurist who'd already done a manicure based on the love is blind cushions awesome and said this please awesome and the lady was like okay and asked no further

questions. But they're so good. This is a fancy manicure. Yeah. She did such a good job. Yeah. She did such a good. Oh my gosh. I found this amazing place in Islington. Go on. It's so nice. They make you a Vietnamese coffee. Is this in Camden Passage? No. Okay. I've walked past one where they do like, it's a coffee shop and an hour. The place is exquisite. They're so good at nail art. Like specifically good at nail art. And I'm not going to say on the podcast where they are because that's how good they are. You're safeguarding. And it's, it's not about safeguarding, it's about the fact that it's got, they've got two chairs, it's tiny. And if you think, you know what I'm talking about, don't put it on anything, they'll put on your perverse forum, whatever that's called. What's it called? Discord.

I want that. I love the, Andrew just showed me the patron discord for the first time, like, probably looking on it, and we look through the, um, rest in peace pancake thread. There's a, they do thread. Yeah, and they're just pictures of their animals and it's so cute, Catherine. There's a tortoise on there. That's quite sweet. The threads are very sweet. There's the pet thread. There's a Pokemon Go thread. There's a thread for each of you. So, like when you're on Mastermind,

they put it on the Catherine's thread. Like, Catherine's the Mastermind. You guys are too good to us. But are they also like Catherine's being a bitch this week? No, no. Because I think that would be like more true. But let's get that one started. But ultimately more.

Episode 129, hashtag Catherine's being a bitch. Let's get that thread going. Make it. She is. She is being such a little bit. Hey, thanks so much to the person who sent in our Stanley. because it is the nicest thing that's happened to me today.

The best thing that's happened to me today. I'm going to be hydrated. I'm going to be depressed but hydrated. I think if you're depressed, you need to stop. Stop. Like being so harsh

yourself and saying you're being a bitch. Because you're really not being a bitch. What if I'm just a depressed bitch? Then that's fine, but then don't say it in a bad way be like, I'm a depressed bitch.

I'm a depressed bitch. I'm a depressed bitch. Like fuck everyone. Fuck everyone. Everyone's a fucking horse. Say that. Fuck all y'all horse. You're all pig-shaped dicks

fucking come in. me something like that say that fucking work on yourself you fucking little shit work on yourself look at your face you fucking screwed up cunt say that and also my face because my skin's breaking out and I don't know what okay you are having a full on breakdown yeah should we Helen you could be a dominatrix that was that was actually wicked you could be such a good dominatrix unless it was um do you think I'm not very good at tying things because it's mainly not work isn't it

like it's a lot of untying and tying I think are you thinking of boats I think there's another point no I know but I do think you could possibly do a different I could do the shouting but I don't think I'd want to do any of the manual label there's men online who like just like to be verbally abused or like abused over text

and then they just send you money please get in contact yeah I know right please get in contact I just don't want to do any of the like fluids I think May I also say, though, that you could do that dominatrix type where you have a little assistant. Not me, but where you have a little assistant.

Like Andrew. Like Andrew. What does the assistant do? The assistant could do the tying up, could do maybe some of the clean up. Andrew's not good at not. Look at all these cables. Yeah, no. Sorry, Andrew.

I do love you so much, but it's not exactly like you're like. If I may, I wasn't really thinking Andrew because I'm not sure that you guys are like a, what's the word I'm looking for? A sexual compatible duo. Yeah. Because we are. I don't know that you're anybody. You should see.

sexual tension when we sing together. I hear that, but I don't know that you are a crossover of anybody's specific interest. Like, gay man, Helen Bauer, I feel like that you, you're the straightest woman alive. I think. A straight woman and a gay man are so close. I know, but they're not forcing them diagrams. They're parallel, you understand? I feel like we can cross at some moment.

Pop cultural references, things we like, smells we like. No, but that's... Gay men smell like women and vice versa. attracted to you because of which scented candle you would choose do you understand? It's not a scented candle it's a spritz. It's Georgio Armani my way. Right

well listen it's an option think about it obviously practice those knots, get time early How much do I pay the assistant? Are they on like a payroll with me? I think what you want ideally is to find an assistant whose kink it is to assist you and thereby they're paying you to be the assistant

It's like a really toxic workspace Oh 100% Listen to me A fat little piece of fucking shit Work on yourself Before you start screaming in my fucking face You're loving it Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

You're loving it already You know who'd be great at doing it As my assistant My sister Oh my god That's actually perfect She's a fucking bitch She'd be like a natural

Born killer for her She'd be so good She'd run me earlier And she knew I was filming this morning And she went good You haven't got too much makeup on You always got too much on And I was like right hi

Fuck you Hang up Like I'm not doing it I'm not doing it That would be perfect Also that cackle that she does When she just like laughs at people Just like straight up laughs at people

Could you're so fucking ugly Oh In fact they just get their dicks out And she just laugh and laugh and laugh It's perfect She I mean that feels like we can't get dicks out Around her and me together That feels wrong no

Like sexually as siblings I don't know what you do I guess for work But my line I don't want to be in a sexual situation With a sibling And I've always said that I want my noted. That's not like a new revelation for me.

I've never wanted to be in a sexual. Please do not put me in a sexual situation with a, yeah, never mind. Or if you're working there, is it a workplace one, you know? Yeah, true. I'll talk to her. Let me talk to her. She's out of work at the moment. Why?

She quit the other job. As if you're actually surprised. It's faster than I expected to do. Yeah, she quit the other job. She's in Brighton with my dad at the moment. She's trying to get... Yeah, she thinks she's supposed to raise bunnies now. Right.

It's not a natural pivot from pastry. It is. Is it? It is when she explains it. I can't do it again. But she really... She twisted it in a way that I was like, actually, yeah. We need to get you a bunny farm.

Fuck, let's have a bunny farm and dad's rental two-bed flat. But is that a job? No, not yet. But you have to envision these things. you know it's very I can't say to my sister oh you can't run a bunny farm

because that's not a proper job because I'm a she thinks we're clowns like well we are I know but she doesn't say it in the way that we're like we're comedians how cool is that but she's like

you're pathetic clowns yeah you guys are really see that your ego is really big Helen that's her favourite one and should we bring on our guest yes please yes please I'm so excited

me too I've just binged her on Instagram I'm so excited. Like a little, like a little cretan. She's everything you want to be. She is a California girl. Yes, please. Welcome. Welcome to the podcast.

Leslie now! Avoiding your unfinished home projects because you're not sure where to start. Thumbtack knows home so you don't have to. Don't know the difference between matte paint finish and satin or what that clunking sound from your dryer is. With Thumbtack, you don't know. have to be a home pro. You just have to hire one. You can hire top-rated pros, seed price estimates, and read reviews all on the app. Download today. Bonza, good eye, and welcome to trusty hogs in Australia. We're going to be bushpigs. I don't

know. I'm trying to think of an Australian version of trusty hogs. I think what we need to say is we're going on tour. Both of us. Yes, sorry. Australia. We'll both be playing. I'll be playing Melbourne and Sydney. You'll be playing Melbourne and. Sydney and Brisbane and Perth. Fabulous. I will be in Melbourne. I'll be at the Western 3 at the International Comedy Festival. You can buy tickets for my show now. And at Sydney I'll be at the factory theatre and you can buy tickets for my show now. And in Melbourne I'll be at the Greek, which I have looked on Google Maps and it is very close to Catherine's venue. Isn't that so cute? We're super close. And then, no, I think you'll be picking me up. I think. I need to check that. But come pick us up. Come pick us up. Come pick us up. I'll be at the factory theatre with Catherine and that's super close to the ice cream place. Brisbane, I'll be at Powerhouse. And in Perth... Can a powerhouse be inside of a powerhouse?

I'll be bloody there. And at Perth, I'll be the Perth Comedy Festival for the Regal Theatre. Cool. And we'll also bring in Trustee Hoggs live to Australia. Melbourne and Sydney, bitches, it's on sale. I've never said bitches before my life. It felt really wrong.

It felt really weird. I said it and I was like... Bitches get your tickets! No, that's hideous. Well, anyway, see you there, Australia. Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy. No, we've been over this. Hoggy, huggy, hoagy, hoagy.

Yeah. Oh. We've both got it wrong. See you there. Leslie, how are you? Welcome to the podcast. Hi. You have the sweet demeanour of a woman who's been doing, like, tourism today.

is that what's happening? How did you know? Could you tell? Because Helen banded in and was like, I'm so jealous, she's been to booking a palace. And I was like, okay. Jealous is in like you've never been? Oh, I've been. I haven't been inside.

But she would go every day. Did you just go inside? No. That would be crazy. Are we allowed to go inside? No. I think in the summer, there's like a... They're not starting with Americans.

I'm sure they make you buy a pass or something. So you can buy your way in in the summer as a tourist to like see a certain amount of rooms or you have to, do like really good charity work or get like an OBE or be an influencer. What? I've seen influencers get in. I've seen it happen. We're influencers.

No, we're not in the right way. Like we're influencers that we're then to do something shitty and we'd say something shitty about it afterwards. Yeah, it's true. It's true. Yeah, but you would never go in and like mock the palace, right? Hi, we've not. Oh.

I'm Catherine. I'm African. I should have said I'm Irish. That's pretty clear. But the problem is I don't. want to go in there. I'd really rather not. I have no interest in it. Not at all right. See, I want to go in. You'd want to go in, right? I don't know that I have a desire. I would look at a photo. Nice. Is it just the walking? That's the trouble for you? You're just like, I don't want to do the steps? Honestly, this, we've been walking a lot this trip. So it is the walking. And the steps are great, but I, but it's like where once we get home, we like violently pass out. So I don't

think that the beautiful Buckingham Palace is worth the extra steps. I'm sure. Are there photos online? I'm sure there are. So then I'm happy to look at photos online. Wicked. From bed. From my bed. I'm going to send you so many tonight. Yes. I'm trying to sleep. I'm going to be blowing up your phone with every picture I have of Buckingham Palace. And when you say we, you mean you and your boyfriend? Me. I have a real boyfriend. I know. I'm not here. He's in the studio. Which you can fact check. There he is. is yeah he's right there isn't it so cool you have a boyfriend don't you just love so i've never had a boyfriend really never do you desire for one yeah just so i can say to people like but like

desire but on hinge but refuse to talk to anyone do you have a brother yeah i do have a brother shut the fuck oh he has a girlfriend he has a girlfriend i'm sure she's really fun um and they they live in l-a i don't know if you if you are looking for something well i like disney i don't i don't mind a long distance thing either, even though he and I live a mile apart. And he's walked to my place before. It's very sweet. Gosh, that's so sweet. You said that like that was a long walk. You really are from L.A. No one

in London thinks a mile is a long walk. You guys drive too much. May I say that? We've taken, I want to say, like, three Ubers so far. Fair play. I took an Uber this morning. That's normal, right? I mean, I was feeling lazy. I don't think it's normal. They have an incredible public transport

system. We did that too. We did that too. We went to... How many times, Leslie? Several times I feel like we did. It's called the tube. Slay. Is it? It certainly can be said that way.

Have you heard of it? Honey, have I heard of it? I've written it. Every line. Every line I've written. But I'm happily a tourist and I'm also happily a girl because I just let Pedro lead the way. Like I'm such a girl. Like he does directions.

I close my eyes. You close your eyes? I giggle and follow him. Do you pick the places or do you just go take? me wherever you wish. I'm just like, take me there, Pedro. Stop here.

I do think with a man called Pedro, you kind of have to, don't you? Like, Pedro's not taking your leave. No, I would never give... If I'm on tour and I'm having to do an hour's show every evening, I did not let someone else take the lead on the day.

Oh, really? Because I feel like sometimes people, some people, when they're like touring comics, you're doing an hour every night at the moment, right? Yeah, yeah. That's the whole theater after me. Yeah. I figured that.

I kind of put it together because I saw your name. I was like, oh my God. So how's it going? Oh well it's my second week there So it's now I feel bedded in It's nice How many shows are you doing there a night? So it's like six a week

Oh my God 12 It is 12 I didn't do the Monday So actually 11 all told But yeah So far you've done Seven Oh my God

Are you finding it that stressful Yes Say more Well I just I've never done like six nights in a row At the same theater It's a lot But it's like you've probably done like

The classic week We've also done Edinburgh, so we do like 28 days in a row in the same time. I did Edinburgh. I was wicked. You really got so close. You got so close, my guy. I as well did Edinburgh a year or so ago.

That was torturous. It's the most amazing time. I wish I went as a consumer. I wish I didn't go as a performer. Yeah. It's fucked up. Because I could, I saw not enough shows but like doing those shows.

And that was just me doing like, a seven-minute set of night. What? Where were you doing this? My friends and I, my L.A. comic friends, they produced their own showcase style show. So we sold the show as like, here's an, if you want to experience a night of L.A. comedy, come to this show. Was this in the gilded balloon? Yes.

I got flired for this. Who's the girl in it? What if I did it? Did I flyer in you? No, no, no, no. There's a young girl on it. She's super sweet. Are you a good player?

Are you a good player? Wally Barham. Is that her name? So there's a, she's very short, amazing. breast. Also very funny. Can we, can we, can we, I'm sorry, can we edit that so I say funny before breasts? Let's just make breasts be. Let's go for a second. You're kidding. I'm Wally, I'm sorry. Come on, you know, Catherine. Come on, Catherine, tight cunt, really funny. And then they're on Boehart. Like, it's okay. Is that how they bring you on stage? Every time. I want to be clear,

we have an incredibly queer listenership. They'll prefer your initial version. It's an honest, it's an honest description. But she's amazing. I met how she flired me. Is that really nice chat. Yes, that's her. And she's, she looks, she's young. Yeah, she's shorter. She's so funny. She's so cute.

She's so nice. Did you attend the show? No. Don't blame you at all. God, no. Don't blame you at all. Because it's awful because you're trying to see all of your friend shows as well as like the other ones that you like get tickets for like before you go because you're like

got to see this one. And then it's like anything extra. I always end up not attending to as well. Just out of panic. Yeah. Also, let's just be very clear. Top of the list is not the hot. LA comics who've blown into town.

Let's be honest. Let's be honest. Let's be really honest. I agree. Like, I'm sorry. I want a minging pig. Yeah, I do. I actually just think, I'm sorry, it's the one thing I do have against American comics. I think, like, what's the need to be so attractive? We get it. And also, we're funny. That's our thing. Can we just be funny instead? Wait, do you mean attractive, like, good looking? Yeah. What are you guys talking? Not the men, not the men, not the men, not the men. Oh, the men. Not the men. Oh, the women. Oh, the women are gorgeous.

But to the point where, like, why do you need a personality? That's what I'm like. I'm like, save the jokes for the duds. I wanted a personality to get me a Pedro over there. Yeah, he's super hard. Do you see this hunk over? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Even though, even though this is a feminist podcast, let's clap for the straight men.

Oh, it's not queer. It's not feminist. Don't get those kids doze. Don't get girls confused. We can be dumb bitches. As long as we're gay, it's fine. In general, LA comics are ridiculous. I'm not gay.

I'm disappointingly straight. Yeah. But like, the female. comics in America. If I was Mary Beth Brown, I would be carried from one room to the next, from my whole life and never tell a single goddamn joke. The fact that that girl has a work ethic is incredible to me. You don't need to do comedy.

You could just be brought places. But I have no skills. Comedy. You know what I mean? I'm not good at math. I'm not good at like. That's against type. Good for you.

Play against type. Yeah. Like I'm not. Everything is against type for me now. I feel like if I think about it out loud, I'm not good at math. I talk a lot. That's good. It's not good.

Might as well get paid for it. I'm good at making coffee. Can I say that? Can I just mention that? Leslie? Can I just mention that you did? I made you the coffee. You did make a coffee.

But with stolen oat milk. However, well, now you said it on. They don't listen. The other people in the office. this isn't live right okay it's a very watery coffee but I do admit that I like it you loved it I think you said you loved it

I'm sorry I imagine you did yeah I think she said this is bearable because it's watery wait so hang on wait we have to get to the important stuff which is that you've come to London to do the Soho shows how are you finding the show shows last night was the first one

last night was the second one I love the vibe of London Thank you. Right. But you, have you guys done an hour in America? No. I've done a couple of sets. So you know the vibe or the deal that in America,

if you're doing an hour headlining show, we always have an opener comic and or a host, even if it's just two comics. I listened to WTF with Mark Maron when I was a new comic. I know this. I'm sure you heard all that. It's like a headliner and you'll be at the club for the weekend. Well, so you get it warmed up for you.

Yes. So you're supposed to have. like a fluffer or someone like someone there to like warm up the crowd and get them like you know they were just outside walking on the street sometimes they like rushed from work to get to the theater they need a little bit of a transition before they see you who they paid to see so that doesn't happen at soho or what i've found oh no no it doesn't so i'm just like raw dogging my face walking out on the stage and also you know the voice of god like the mic yeah i'm announcing my own Mass on stage, which I never do.

Welcome to London. So that's normal here, I guess. Yeah, totally normal. But I feel like such a loser being like, are you all ready to see this next rising star? Are you kidding? I love doing that. Well, I don't know how, I need to learn how to love it. Okay. So I'm, I feel like a loser. Okay, because embrace the loserness of it. Yeah, yeah. It's so funny introducing yourself. So what I do is that's your entire warm up. So I go, are you guys ready for a show? And they go, I go, man, I go, I can't hear you. And then they cheer louder and just keep pretending you can't hear them.

Oh, I like that. I like that. I like that. I like that. But the value of a good announcer is everything. Because I have been at clubs around the country where they just have like someone who's very like kind of meek. Like all right guy, like like a librarian.

Like everyone's settle in. Yeah. And then like they don't give you that huge oomph. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Without reading the script. I am an incredibly. self-conscious god micer as well

and I would say that I don't bring the energy that Helen does and I also speak. You let me introduce you once? Yeah I also I would love if you could do it for me. If she's in the room I always have her do it 100%. She doesn't need a mic but what is it? Like a thousand seater you're fine but the thing I would say is that I therefore make it as short as possible

because I actually just want it to be a I'm just like good people of Soho let's go and then off I go. And then they know they know the drill they just clap and then you walk on. Yeah. So last night I'm trying to experiment. Like, I should really be workshopping my actual set, but I'm so focused on mastering the godmite thing. Like, that's the only thing, which is like a useless skill.

It's not. Try and get a laugh off the godmike to walk onto the laugh. I love that. I want to do that. Do that. That's my goal. So last night, I think I said, you know, is everyone ready to see who you came here to see?

And people clapped. And I said, make some noise. If you have no idea who the headliner is. You got dragged, you got dragged by a loved one. And then most people cheered. And I go, kind of hurts my feelings. I guess we'll start the show. You know what I mean?

And then I think I admitted over the god mic that we went to Borough Market yesterday, Love, accidentally ate two sausage rolls. Accidentally. Well, we meant to order one. We meant to order one. We ordered two. And then we got a Scottish egg. Scotch egg.

I mean, I'm sorry, what did I say? Scottish. Scottish. A Scottish. It feels like an egg that is different. Edit that out. Edit that out. No, that's the clip. After trying to Edinburgh so many times, a Scottish egg.

I don't want to offend the locals. Oh, no, the Scots are already angry. You have to worry about that. But, yeah, that's what I said over the God, Mike. I, like, listed things I ate, which no one should. No one, nothing to cheer about. People were just like, is she just going to list everything she ate today? I would cheer at all of us.

And then talk to us for 60 minutes. Like, if you listed Scottish egg, I would laugh and cheer. I think I said Scottish egg last night. Yeah, that's tough, man. But you would have got a big laugh for that. I got, I got some kind of, because people are so judgmental. You would have gotten a guffaw that's like,

she doesn't know. Wait, so are they judgmental? I think about their own stuff. Yeah. I think like, they're chill with us unless we try to talk about their stuff. And then they're like, I think I'll think I'll find. I know. I did.

I made the mistake of like, who doesn't like make jokes about the, like, London an accent like everyone has jokes about it but I love it and what are the jokes what they doing I was trying no go on just kidding no everyone loved it and respects it like I'm backing you underway babe like I don't do impressions of California girls oh like whatever I love it in the sun wait have you guys been to L.A. No I'm going to go to Disney one day though my self-confidence is not high enough yet I'm waiting I mean you you could go probably all your perceptions are true.

Yeah. But L.A is huge where you can avoid the people you want to avoid. A1. You should just go there just to laugh. It's ridiculous.

And I don't shop there. I don't shop at Airwan. What is Airewan? It's a pretentious grocery store all of L.A. It's like Waitrose and Whole Foods had a baby with the Harrod's Food Hall. It's like a $26

smoothie that's Haley Beaver shops out. That only has like an ice cube water and like a teaspoon of way protein. Oh no. I feel hungry. we're just thinking about that. That makes me sad. It's great.

We have to go. I'd be trying to like liberate women who are just like, I'm just outside. I'd be like, don't you want to eat a sandwich and revolt? And they'd be like, I'm fine. Yeah. It's just not the right place for me. But maybe one day.

One day. With a lot of SBF. But then I met an actresses either day who told me that publicity in the state, so what we would call PR cost six grand a month. Is this true? Yeah.

And then I was like, my dreams for America are over. Is that a lot? Is that a lot? That's an insane amount of money to have to pay. Oh my God, we complain here. We have to pay three grand a year and we like are.

I've never paid three like US dollars grand or three. British pounds. Okay, maybe like maybe $4,000 a year. If you're doing like a year round, maybe a bit more. I've got you done the month for Edinburgh. You could put it to 10 if you like are like a super famous. Well, probably. Ten is a lot.

But you guys pay a month? No, no. No, a year. 10 grand. a year is the most you could pay i could that i could fath them here also like what do they i mean i have them and i love them but like what do they do yeah yeah edit that out edit that out actually what do they do they booked me on this fucking podcast how dumb am i i'm like they don't even fucking do anything like if i say no can i say this oh because we saw you run at so theater

and emailed about you so we contacted you i don't know i don't know i God, don't let them bill you for this. Then my statement stands and they will never listen to this episode. What do they do? What do they do? I don't know what they do. But I think we don't know what they do, but if it was gone, we'd realize it. I, I, I agree.

Like the dentist. Like the dentist. Well, actually, no. The dentist is all bullshit. Wait, you know what the dentist does. What do they do? What do they do? They go in and they just say like, yeah, fine, cool.

Come in for a checkup next year. And it's like, okay. English dentists I can't tell you how little they do They're like yep still there Oh really? Still there My friend who lives in Germany

She flew over after having her wisdom teeth removed And they don't do anaesthetic Like they don't put you under or anything like Here they don't do in Germany So she felt the pulling on every single four of her wisdom teeth And she's like They like they like numb it And I was like that's so messed up

And I was like why did you get all four done at the time And he went because the dentist was like It just makes more sense for us to do it now So they yanked all four That better have been, like, free. No. I mean, you get, like, a discount with, like, the medical insurance there. What the...

That's insane. But also, what sort of a fucking psychopath goes to a German dentist? Oh, no. I lived in Germany. I never went to the fucking dentist there. I'm not moron. Did you do comedy there? Yeah.

What's the vibe there? Fun. Really? Yeah, it's really good. She speaks German, though. You might have English language comedy. Yeah. Yeah, I started that.

Oh, my God. It's good. But you started in LA, so much cooler. But. I don't know that it's cooler. It's cooler. It's a hundred percent cooler. What's the vibe for comedy in L.A.?

There's like, cheerleaders in the audience. What it's like to start there, like, currently. Starting there, it's like, it's obviously, like, it's competitive. Like, I know that's a stinky word, but it's just, like, there's so many people there and you feel this, like, a little anxiety. No, it's competitive in London as well. I think it's very competitive. You know who you're with.

And it's not like, I'm trying to beat you and win. It's more like, okay, these people are good. I got to stay good. And you're all sort of going up for the same things. Like I know in America it's more like JFL and sort of like trying to get the spots on the like tonight shows. But for us we're like there's these competitions where agents come and see you, which is how you get like TV work eventually. So it's like. But also I'm really glad it's competitive.

I think it makes you better at comedy. I agree. I think the scenes where it's not competitive you can tell. Sorry to say it. But like. The Berlin scene's not competitive. I highly recommend. So you like starting there because you felt like you had more.

shows more stuff to do like you were you were up and up a lot I think why yeah it was up a lot there was and also I had like a big space that was just mine as far as like I was the only young British women on the scene it's got a lot bigger now

but it was like there was one British woman who was older than me we had very different sort of style and then there was a woman from Columbia who lived in New York and like another American woman but like there was no one like I had like the entire space of like young British person

and then coming over here to do a gig for the first time and I was like oh my God there's like 200 of me Were you nervous at your first gig here? Just because it was here fucking scared because I was like the yeah it's just different Were you scared on Wednesday night that's over?

Yes Okay so how did it go by the way? Okay don't sigh I'm very uh... edit that out I don't know American positivity edit that out edit it was amazing amazing um i i was jet lagged i'm also very hard on myself i was i was a little out of it

mentally it's been a couple over a week since i did the hour yeah which you know an hour is so different from you doing the little sets in here and yeah so it's been a while and i just had a week between my weeks at so ho and i found that like it's weird how it leaves your brain yeah 100% i'm on a three week break and i'm starting again next week off the jet lag so i mean you You know what to do. It's like, even though it's your own words and thoughts, you're like, what the fuck do I say for? So then I, I, um, I felt, I felt rusty, a little jet lagged.

And the culture shock of like announcing myself on stage. The culture shock of announcing my stuff. No, but that seems like a small thing. It seems like a small thing. But if you are hard on yourself and you like passions and like to do things the way that you like to do them, that kind of thing throws me so much. Like if I don't have this, my thing is if I'm in a different country and I, I don't have my, I got to JFL and my suitcase was lost.

That's not. And I just, I couldn't. No, no, no. That's, that's a no, no. I was, like, planned my outfit. I like to wear very specific things on stage. And I just could not get my head around being there. I just couldn't.

So I totally get it. Were you there, which JFL in what year? I did new faces international. Oh my God. So fun. And then it went bankrupt. So I guess they shouldn't have made it international. It's gone.

year. Oh, you killed it. I literally killed it and killed it. Like, me and all the new faces from last year text each other were like, we broke it. Oh God. We're like, we broke it. We should shut it down. That's so funny because Helen thinks it's because she put it on her manifestation board. I manifested that I was going to get JFL international this year. Okay, so what you should do. My first time manifested. And I cannot tell you how much effort I put into the seven to eight minute unedited video to send them because it's like, I've done the showcase here before. Like, I feel like, like, did I mean, like, I'm in the running. I, oh, Catherine, it was sad, wasn't it? I put so, much effort into it. I booked into clubs I don't even like to get the video where the crowd

are just hot. Ended that. Ended that. And like just to get this perfect clip, I got the perfect clip. I sent it to my agent. And I was like, I'm so, I can't believe I managed to fit all this stuff together in like one set and edited. And then literally two hours later. She was like, it's bankrupt. Never mind. There's two things. It's like you have a superpower. So you should start to manifest things. Yes. The opposite of what we want to happen. So manifest. that like I'll never win an Oscar or something I'm gonna win an Oscar yeah no I'll never win I'm never I'm never I'm never gonna win an Oscar yeah yeah that's right so you were so close so something something is happening you might have a superpower and second isn't it nice to know that none of it

matters like like us everyone even though we did JFL yeah it's like but you've done it I did it and I'm so sad about it that it's like yeah maybe done but it's like I hope it make because in L.A we were in the midst of tryouts. So there was, there were showcases the night. It was announced that it was done. So the showcases continued. No. Stop it.

And I tried to go to one of them, but I had a show, but I heard it was like wild. Like everyone, like, someone like, maybe I'm making it up, but someone like might have taken their shirt off. Everyone's just like, whatever. That's amazing. That's so funny. Like the, I would have loved to have been that moment. I would have taken my shirt off too.

Like the freedom of like not caring is so beautiful. So like the show Feel free not to care on our podcast But don't you feel like comedy can be better Without that like obsessive caring I always wondered if they took out So like obviously for us like the Edinburgh Awards Is such a big thing

But like there's like every comic Not every comic but in general People have this idea of like a stereotype Of what an Edinburgh award winning show would be And it's sort of like something with a very good emotional crux Something with a really good structure Not necessarily like the jokeyest it can be like they're obviously all so so funny but like that stereotype and then sometimes people

like are encouraged to write towards that to sort of like get a nomination particularly for new acts right i know i was sort of encouraged like introduce yourself like make sure that it's clear who you are who your persona is and it's like i don't know if it necessarily makes the best comedy so if the awards just got cancelled 10 days into the fringe would the shows get better because like people are so desperate to perform the show so perfect Because clearly when the judges are coming in because like if you've been in it if you've been in it for a while

you sort of know who the judges are. My worst performances are when I know who's in as I'm like my big role with my age and just don't tell me like I can't tell me after I obviously want to know that people are coming in but I cannot know if I'm if I know there are reviewers in I'll always fuck it every I get so uptight because I'm such a perfectionist

right? It's like do is it is it comedy if we're doing it for an award? Right? A little philosophical question here. That's why I get to what I go sad. I'm like fuck up like you know what I mean

like and I like we're doing all this for Pedro right now like I do everything for Pedro no no no and I want you to keep that I made him a coffee

I want you to keep that okay but I made him a coffee I made you a coffee remember that I am a strong independent woman but I dedicate my life

to this man to Pedro and Paige I could take you around London and you wouldn't have to make that January because I actually know it like the back of my hands

yes which she kind of knows Freckle babe her cobble still drinking that coffee. It's really admirable. Anything free, by the way, I finish fully. Good for you.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Kindred spirits. We just agree amongst the three of us that from now onwards, we just don't care. And we're just going to do what is funnest for the audience that night. Isn't that the point of it? You know what I mean? It is, but we forget that.

I know because last night, I think they're, uh, well, I'll praise you. Thank you. You know what I mean? Like, I'll let, we'll do it. Oh, I'll sing praise you. So last, that would nice. Last night was better? Last night at the theater, I think there.

there was a reviewer there. And it's, I don't know. Like, I think they came and I was like, I didn't want to overthink it. And I don't think that I did. In the back of my mind, I remembered, but I was like, why does this reviewer have to come

to this unfinished hour? Is it an unfinished hour? You're working it up. It's not like something that I would want to put out there this moment, you know? Are you taking it to the fringe? No, I don't have plans to go to the fringe this year. That's why you seem well.

Okay, good, good, good. So you guys are going? No, not me. I just finished it all, I'm done. Oh. You know that the mic is still recording, even though you're whispering right into the mic. No, really?

Is it? You know you're the loudest whisper in the world, right? No, I've got, we're both doing Australia, but Catherine's starting a new show, and I'm finishing a show, and then I've decided I'm going to become something else, I think. Are you... She's going to not win an Oscar.

You are never going to win an Oscar. You are never going to win several Oscars. I think I'm going to voice a Disney princess. I'm going to focus on that. Oh, I would. love that. Thank you. Um, neither of you exactly has the tenor of a Disney princess, if I may.

Oh, um, that, yeah. You guys have, we both sound like Disney princess. I'm sorry to say, I think you both have kind of got like stepmom energy and we're like the sassy step sisters. Yeah. I or yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or the like wicked queens. I would, I would take that. I would take that role. Yeah. I think that's more. You are more, I think, step-sister and you are more queen vibes it's such a beautiful depth.

Thank you. Yeah. Oh my God. It's just me being a very sleepy. It's not really sexual. It feels sexual. It feels sexual. It's funny you said that because Helen has this theory

and I think it stands up which is that sleepy girls are sexy girls. The sleepy of the fitter. Wait, that's me. Don't you think sleepy? Guys like you to be sleepy and that's fucked up. What's wrong with you, Pager? You fucking free.

Oh, look at her. She's so sleepy. She can barely stop. She won't remember anything. I guess you better to do more steps. He does think I'm cute when I'm sleepy, right? Gross. Get it together, Pedro.

Get it together. What a woman would be a lot and awake to stand up for a show? Because if you're sleepy, like you see a sleepy person, like you just want to cuddle them. You're like, oh, you sleep. There's something cute about it. Also, Helen, you can do this. But like her theory is essentially that if you get up and it's like you come into a room and you're like, morning, I'm just going back to bed. That's sexy.

But if you come in like Helen does in the morning, which is. Morning! Oh, I don't do that. I'm an awake person. I'm a lot. Dude. And I think it puts people off. I wake up sexy, if you know what I mean.

Like, I'm sleepy. I'm always like, I don't. Well, because this guy's making, he's taking charge by making you walk 25,000 steps a day so that he can want to cuddle you. So many steps. Oh, my fucking God. Pedro is more of your level. He wakes up like, like, we have a joke that like, um, his morning song.

If there was a soundtrack to his morning, it's literally like, I'm walking on sunshine. Katrina and the Wives. Like, by the way, mine is, you know, the limp biscuit song, break stuff? Like,

like that's my morning soundtrack. Wait, what is that song? Hit it? No, I'm just kidding. That'd be so good. If you could hit it,

Andrew, that'd be wicked. It's, oh, God, it's, how does it start? It's like, Andrew,

can you find it? It's, it with that guitar riff, like, Dern. Yeah. It's just one of those

that is. Yes, I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that's a much a good morning. So when I wake up, I can only open one eye at a time. No.

You know? Like, do you have a stye? It's just too much pressure to open both at the same time. Yeah, I really, I understand that. Like, let me do one thing at a time. Yeah. One eye. I get it when I've got like an infection and it's closed over.

Then I take a breath. Then I, um, grab my phone to say like, what day is it? What time is it? What day is it? Who's the president? Yeah, that take a couple breaths. It's, it takes a lot. That's sexy.

Wow. You see? You think it's sexy. It is. It is. I hate that it's true, but I think, like, a woman who is, like, just at ease with herself and just sort of, like, waking up and, like, I'm just exhausted. That song didn't say at ease to me. It said, this is going to be angry for a while until it gets coffee. Yeah, it's a little, it's a little, like, muted anger. Yeah, it's more, it's more. But don't you just, like, I want a coffee and just, like, jump out and I want a coffee. And then my husband wakes up. And I'm like, I love you so much. Like, I'm in the biggest cuddle. Well, sometimes Pedro brings me a coffee.

Pedro, I know. I know. I'm sorry for yelling at you. I know. We take it back. Like he, like, and I also can't, uh, speak right away in the morning. So I need at least, um, what the fuck is he? What does he? What does he?

He doesn't make you a cocoa right before bed every night, does he? No, no, I mean, I don't think that he spikes anything. I haven't noticed, but like, um, that's a low bar. Why, the bar for women is low. Shall we say that? I don't even think he spikes anything. He's like a good guy. Simi doesn't, right?

Like, straight women have it hard as there. I get a good vibe from. him and that's what matters. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's so pretty. Now, wait, you're doing your show. The other thing that we do on this podcast is we answer listener problems. Oh, love. What kind of advice giver would you say you are? Aggressively honest. Okay, so read American. And who is likely to come to you for advice? I guess I still get like some single friends about stuff and then like, you know, just like dating stuff in LA and I guess uh were you a big dater before Pedro kind of like I had don't listen Pedro I had and you know in no one matters pre Pedro but yeah

I had I had on and off relationship things and then unfortunately in LA I dated a couple of like the the classic non-committal Peter Pan type people where they they want to date you just enough yeah it's like it's like they micro dose dating yeah they just want a teeny hit of intimacy but not so much that they have to actually give anything to you. But you really told people about them and you've got to find a way to trick them and to come into a family things. You told your family that they're coming already. And it gets to the point where like I end up telling friends about these people

and then I realize oh, nothing's going to happen with them. And then once you have that epiphany, then I was like, we're not going to do this anymore. So unfortunately, a lot of Peter Pan people. And so, yeah, I dated on. Peter Pan and Pre Pedro. Pee, wow. I know. Peter Pan's pre-page roll.

No more. Did any of them actually play Peter Pan at Disney? I wouldn't be surprised if they did. That'd be amazing. Okay, so we are, that's such a specific dream for you. Those Peter Pan Twinks are definitely gay. Yay. Indian for you, Andrew.

Well said. Somebody had to say it. Come on. Yeah. Deprily. Peter Pan's straight. Let's not a straight goal drink. He's famously straight.

He's super into that child in the night. Even though he's called Peter Pan. Peter, oh my god He's non-sexual Oh Oh Wow The more you know

Edit that out He's a straight man Please tell us What our problem is Well I'll give you a choice of three problems Although as I start this I think you'll probably pick one of them Well let Leslie choose

Okay, honor to The three problems are There's a body image problem There is a career goals problem Or there is a hot girl summer problem I like all of them. Career excites me the least because I used to have a day job

and I just can't talk about careers anymore. I'm going to say because I used to have a career but then Pedro came along. I know what your day job was. You were HR and Netflix. It's not really creepy that I know that. No, it's not. It's online somewhere.

So I'm too tired of talking about that. The other one sound more spicy. Which one do you need body image or hot girl summer? Aren't they the same problem? I was going to say the same. Let's do body image first and then go on the hogg out.

Okay, great. Let's try that, let's try that. All right, in that case, we'll start with this email from H. Hi, H. H says, hi, hogs. I've been a die-hard fan for a year now. I adore you both so much. You are, raise of joy.

Thank you, H. It's nice. From a really young age, I've been very hyper-conscious of my body and how I look. I've always been slightly on the chubbier side, and since I became conscious of this, I've internalized the belief

that my appearance makes me inherently different slash unappealing. It's so sex. I've done so much work to try and unravel this belief, and I'm definitely in a more comfortable place than I used to be. But since entering a long-term relationship, which is incredibly secure, I've noticed how deeply impacted I am actually by this. I just can't fathom that he could actually be wholeheartedly attracted to me, and so much so that my brain has been constantly looking for ways to reaffirm this belief. I'm in a really obsessive pattern, thinking

pattern, and very untrusting of him, because I genuinely can't see how he's attracted to me. I know you both suffer with some of these issues to agree, to a degree, and I'd love to hear any thoughts, advice, solidarity that you can offer. So much love, H. Number one, thank you for writing in. And also, it's not just us, everyone suffers with body image. I swear to God, it's not like, yeah, everyone. I don't really know how you could be a person in the world where consumerism exists

and so people need to create problems with your body so in order to sell you solutions and be completely unaffected by that. but I'm making money of us being insecure the beauty myth read it I know I fall for it yeah me too obviously I mean I fall for it the least I'm very much you're incredibly secure in it which is so cool and I've got big breasts so like

I'm technically morbidly obese but my tits are so great it isn't like who gives a fuck yeah like no one's looking enough to be said for that I know that it's fine you're so right you're so right do you want to see them I'd love to Pedro turn around He did

He did Look at that You want to feel the weight To that 38 double jay Oh my god You're welcome to feel the weight Are you serious?

All natural Ah Oh my God Isn't that crazy? Yeah Do you feel kind of gay now? Well Kind of because

Now I feel like I have a medical condition Because mine feel nothing like that No No no I know The weight of these is insane I think I've got I've got heavy nipples

I think Oh my God No No that's not the weight of your nipples No, it's not. I'm not a boob doctor doctor with us. Is that what they're called? I don't know.

Yeah, boob doctors. Gynecologist and boob doctor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dr. Norks, actually in the UK. Call up Dr. Norks is on his way. I want that job so bad. Dr. Nortz. Dr. Nortz is 100% a bloke.

I know. No, I feel like I've got weights in my nymphs. pulls, that's why they're trying to go south. No. That's just gravity, babe. I'm sure your tits are like similar. Helen's superpower is the ability to tell you what size you are if you want her

to, but it would involve consent and touching. No, I don't know. Wait, wait, wait. She can only tell if she feels them. Yeah. But she's not gay. Yeah. That would be a trick if she could tell by looking. But if she's like she has to feel and look and lick them to

understand. I don't lick. Not anymore. Then of course. I used to now I do. Guess what? Guess what? I'd like to announce I was a superpower. I can tell the size of a man's dick by feeling it. How about that?

How about that? There's my superpower. So how is that a super power? You don't know what I mean? Wow. It's all I have. It's all I have. I didn't go to university.

I didn't go to university. Whoa, this has never been called out before. Wow. She's so upset. I'm not upset. He pissed off. He pissed me off. After I let you.

into the cave of wonders? Do you have any idea how people want to feel the weight of these? And so just to circle back to the problem. Oh, right, all right, oh right, we started bragging about our bodies instead of responding to this adorable sweet person yeah, that's what happened there.

So if maybe we could circle back. So maybe the advice is be delusional about your positive qualities, like how we are. I don't know. Okay, interesting. What, like, really amp up the, like, invest in your personality. That's your, that's your, that's your, I'm bummed because I don't know the true way to fix it.

It's a bummer because it's how she feels. I hope her partner is genuinely awesome and supports her. And I hope she doesn't let this paranoia impact the relationship because that would be a bummer if it's going well. I don't know how to fix it. But I hope she knows saying out loud like, is the easiest answer. It's all in your head. so if you really believe that narrative so easily like I'm undesirable or my I don't like my body can't you just flip it just as easily and believe the opposite like if it's all in your head can't you just I think it's hard to fix it but I think there are practical steps you can do go on I think curating your social media timelines to having some like body positive accounts to follow so sort of like ensuring that you're not just following highly edited or what you're you see as a desirable body

or something that you think you should have. So, like, you can be in that positive space around it. I think, to quote Paulette Bonifonte from the first legally blonde film. Yes, please. We look at each of the bodies and we get jealous as women, but as Paulette says,

like, what she got that you don't have, three tits. And that's the only thing you can be jealous of. If you don't have three tits. I will say that. you have enough for three tits. Thank you so much. That means a lot.

And we are jealous. That genuinely means a lot. And I am jealous. But I've got a hairy stomach. So it's like, you know that. I'm still learning about her. Wait, is there even like, I don't even know if I have pores on my stomach. Okay, I'm a miracle.

Do you know what I mean? Doesn't hair come from pores? Like hair follicles? Yeah. You don't have hair in your stomach. You don't have hair in your stomach? No. No, me neither.

Then I was joking too. Oh, yeah, okay. Edit that out. Edit that out. Hey, here's what I think. Fucking, Lizzie's a bitch. Edit that out. We're so welcoming.

I genuinely don't know how to solve this. I'm 35 and feel exactly the same way. I still perpetually feel shocked that my girlfriend could find me attractive, would find me attractive, or wants to go out with me. But here's the thing. people generally don't commit to a partner have sex with them invest in a life with them

and spend all the time with them as like charity or for a laugh and I don't back my personality enough that it's that so actually because I'm such a moody cunt sometimes like 50% of the time 50% of the time yes 60% I'd say 55 at a point everyone's 50% you know what I mean

and I just think that there is a base level that keeps you going that is what reminds me is that like there's something that means this woman puts up with my shit and it must be

that she feels like I feel about her body which is that she fancies me obviously and I think also to just keep perpetually try to find ways to remind your brain that the narrative

we're sold about what a perfect body looks like is a fucking lie and it's so unattainable that the people who theoretically have it, don't even have it. We're just not allowed to see that version of them. And keep doing that.

Like inundate yourself with that message. Listen to podcasts about it. Listen to talks about it. Whatever you have to do to try to decode it a little bit, which it sounds like you are doing anyway. And then also like have a bit of respect for your partner, I think, is like the way I think you should think about it, which is like, that dude's not a liar and he can make his own choices.

And it seems like he's decided you're smoking hot. Oh, that's good. Yeah. a bit of respect for that. And I would also say, and I'm telling myself this too, everyone, like most people get laid at some point. You're not attracted, I'm assuming, to the listener, to most people,

but they're attractive to somebody. So we can probably accept that attraction is subjective. So even if you're like, huh, I'm not massively excited by my body, you could be like, well, statistically, and specifically, this dude is. Yeah. Oh my God. Many people are. I'm like, yeah, honestly, try be a woman on the

who has said that she's been broken up with you'll find out how many people will come out of the woodwork even if you're like constantly just posting pictures of like your breakfast and depression people will be like that's my girl like people are into the weirdest shit so yeah breakfast

people are mental no but I just be like I'll be like another porridge and three men will be like you are what do you want to get wet with him? I know why because that's a sleepy breakfast it is you're right but the point is have a little respect for that guy and him

knowing what he wants and the fact that he probably isn't dating you as a bit or for charity. And that's what subscriptions are for. So I just think. I think that's good. Yeah. Yeah. Like I would ask yourself, like, what's the evidence you have about your body image?

Like what is the evidence you have that you have an undesirable physical? Because the evidence of your boyfriend as a boyfriend is like the opposite. You have someone in your life who's actively attracted to you. And what evidence do you have that he doesn't find you attractive? Like you can have evidence that you don't and that it's not and blah, blah, blah, because the brain is a wonderful, horrible bully, but what is, he's done nothing to, and I need to remember this as well. Yeah.

Also, don't, like, berate yourself if you wake up one day and you don't feel attractive because no one feels attractive the whole time. Like, it comes and goes. Oh, my God, every morning when I wake up, I describe to you how I act in the mornings. Yeah. Like, I can't. One-night Leslie? That doesn't feel sexy to you?

Pirate Leslie? No, no. One-eyed mute Leslie. I can't speak. For one hour, I cannot speak. Like, if I need to talk to Pedro, I either text him or I will use hand gestures. You do one-eye test.

This girl has a boyfriend. Yes. You're fine. I can actually fit one. Yeah, baby. The worst part is, before we started the podcast, we were like, okay, we're not mentioning Pedro. This is a podcast.

I know. I know. And honestly, this podcast is now dedicated to him. It's dedicated to him. Adam in the name of the featuring people. We must, we must. Maybe you can pick us all off for the end.

That'd be nice. The man's like, no, please leave me alone. Leslie, where can people see you? I am on tour everywhere. I'm here, I don't know when this airs. Where will you be in three weeks? I will be in like Austin, D.C. Great.

Texas. Wait, you guys said you're going to Australia? Yeah. When? Monday. Oh, are you serious? Are you going to be there? We're going.

I'm going to be there in June. June and I'm going to bring Pedro to announce me on stage to do the God mic. Oh, cute. He doesn't know that I'm going to make him do this but I have to sidebar because I've never been. Have you guys been? Oh, we'll send you lots of advice. It's gorgeous.

It's gorgeous. I've never been to Melbourne before so Catherine's been there. It's stunning. You're going to have the best time and Australian audiences are wild and really up for it. So that's great. They're the opposite of Americans. They don't need to be warmed up if anything you're like, yikes. You guys have been drinking since all day. I do love that. I love that energy. It's great. So I'll be everywhere. But Austin, Texas.

Yeah, and I've never done Austin. Do you do the big hair, like the bigger of the hair, the closer to God? You don't have to dress. Dolly Barton. Oh, oh. Should I? The bigger the hair, the closer to. I don't think you have to just to go to Texas.

You have to. I've never been, but it doesn't seem like a rule they could have. Get a perm. Maybe I'll, maybe I don't know that I'll do that. Get a perm. I don't know that I'll do that. You can get some kids. Come on.

Maybe just go on stage on a horse. That would get them going. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. It feels like a little bit too on the nose. Okay. It doesn't really feel like you want our advice, Leslie. You try and help women and they just fucking push you away.

Right, okay. Well, listen, well, you're not going to love our kangaroo costume tips for Australia, are you? So why are we doing this? Great, okay. Good I. They can see you on tour. Where can they find tickets to the tour? The website is leslie liao.com.

Great. And how do they find you, Instagram? Yes, my Instagram handle is, it's my name but racist. It's Resri Riao. I was wondering what that was because I was on your Instagram. and I was like, why did you put an R in front of it? Is that what you've done? It's me taking the power back.

Okay. It's very funny. So, Res. Riyo. So you can't take the power back? Do not edit that out. Do not edit that out. That's the wrong power.

Edit it so that she calls me that the entire episode. Edit it that way. Edit it so that's how she introduces me. Okay. I know he doesn't have time to do it so I feel calm. I would say no, he doesn't have time. Wait. And then what about Twitter?

Twitter, TikTok. That is so evil. It's all, I think across the board it's Resry Real. Fantastic. Say it again? Resry. No, no.

I won't be saying. Damn it. We'll obviously tackle Leslie in like everything so then you could just follow on that. And obviously if you see a gorgeous, sleepy, small Asian woman traipsing behind a very tall, muscular American man,

then you'll know that's also Leslie. And she'll be saying things like, where are we going? I'll do whatever you say. And he'll be doing directions. I'm exhausted. Make me a watery coffee. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So they can catch you at Buckingham Palace as well, which will be nice. Yes, we visit the Buckingham Palace. We're invited a lot. So you'll see us there almost every day. Yeah, eating for Scottish for Scottish eggs. A Scotch egg? What did I call it? Scottish. Scottish. Scottish. Scottish. It is Scotch. It is Scotch. I called it Scottish.

Yes. You got this. Thank you, Leslie. Oh, my God. Leslie, everybody. Hello and welcome to the executive producers lounge. Sit back, relax and let us thank you. Simon Moors, Guy Goodman, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Stephanie Catrachia. Oh, hello, New Color and welcome. Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Matthew Thomas, Madeline Quinn and Grace O'Reilly. Can We Get You Anything? Can We Get You Anything? Was creepy at the end. Did you not? I wanted to go for a separate wife That is a hundred Nicole Kidman Thank you

Okay wait what should I do the producers list in Slominate Like pumba I wanted to be like Ryanair flight Oh Ryanair Hello We're from County Dingle Doodle Wait wait

Isn't there a canticle called like Dingle or Doodle or something What's it called? There's a place called Dingle Dingle was it Sorry just to check in What do you think Ryanair is? An Irish airline Yeah, but like, it's not from Dingell.

It's not from, where's it from? Dublin. Why don't you just do a normal accent, but that's like more like... They're Irish, people that work around here. It's based in Ireland. Think like Icelandic. No, like... Stacey Solomon.

Thank you. I love Stacey. Mom's shopper for Jesus. Yeah. Okay, breathe. Sorry, sorry. Bye, thank you so much to Richard Vignal. El, Richard Bold, Sadie Gashmore.

Sorry, Rachel Page. Halliday, I'd be Wharf, Luke Vay, Kate, Dean, Dean Michael. I'm wrong. I'm Anthony. Sophie Sheffin carries those. Give me a new one. Give me a new one. I've gotten two more last.

Australian. Goodie and thank you so much to a wonderful producer from Dan Under slash you're probably in the UK. It's Victoria Hutchinson. Becky Fox. Tim Endorm. Roya Feet Cordelia. I'm irredon. Me, Sims, Tristan, Tess, Chalaiai, Kai Sui, Highland War, Hi, Briggs, Jam Rainbird.

Jam, Rainbird, stop, is actually a name. Please be single, and please contact me. Helen Rainbird. Jam, contact me. Sorry, can you give me one more accent? Texan. Nice. Howdy?

Howdy, partner? They're also... Y'all want to go to the kettle range? Y'all haven't sweet. okay I'm going pray for you the big of the hair

the closer to God okay I'm going to pray for you okay it's so weird when you go for you for you

I'm going to pray for you I'm going to pray for you okay welcome to Texas and thank you a big thank you to Claire Owen Jones

no you can tell no Claire Owen Jones Harold van no come on okay Texas, Texas.

This ain't Texas. This ain't Texas. I know, hold on. Claire Owen Jones. Claire Owen Jones. Harold Van Dyke. David Walker. Jess and Nick.

Rachel R. Neil Redmond. Sarah Molly. Tina Lindsay. Graham Marsh. Lear Overend. Liz Fort. Clow.

Emily G. And Ozzie. stuff was that vibe it sounded like the narration for like an American murder mystery podcast I thought it was like one of those sleep time you know the ones where they're like you're going to go to sleep

I was thinking about a big Texas man on a kettle range make it stop hey guys thanks for supporting the podcast we really appreciate you and we need you we need you because Helen's alienating if I may with that kind of thing

this ain't Texas and that I'm the song Not even close to the freaking tune.