Trusty Hogs - Ep13. JAMES ACASTER / Pets, Presents & Pokemon

Episode Date: December 23, 2021

James Acaster joins the Hogs for this special Christmas episode with pokemon catching tips, festive controversies, and a deep dive into creativity! Plus, there's a whole extra 20 mins with James at Patreon.com/TrustyHogsThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna BautistaPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / SBDubz / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Lee Myerscough / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Kim Dubhghaill / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Caitlyn Lyth / Aideen McQueen / Sarah & Molly / Carrig Duke / Melissa Dunkeld Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Christmas time, mistletoe and us talking about Christmas stuff. It's trusty hogs with Helen and Catherine. Welcome to the show. The show. Hi hogs. Hi hogs. I hate the song. Hi hogs.

Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas. It was bad for an improv. No, you did all right. Happy Christmas. everybody through the fog step forth the trusty hogs yeah you're gonna give them your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem they'll have guests and Andrew white on the tech oh it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs trust the trusty hogs or maybe Happy Christmas feels like it puts a lot of pressure on it. It's Christmas.

We hope you're having an okay week. And if you're not, it's just another week at the shitty part of year. It's cold outside. There's no good vibes. If you're not into Christmas, it's a rough time. But also the TV's good and you don't have to answer emails on Christmas Day. So, you know, swings and roundabouts. It works out in the end.

But if you're excited about it, that's also a great. Life is sometimes hard to find joy in. So if you're loving it, fucking love it. Embraces. That's also a lot. I think I'm feeling it a bit this year. Good for you. The vibes. I'm feeling Christmas vibes. But Christmas, I'm always like, oh man, like it does feel like days I've got to get through, even though I like my family. I love them. They're great. It's just, it's a lot of pressure to be having fun. It's like going to Thought Park. But you can't not enjoy it. But sometimes the ride, like the queue for Colossus is so long. It just doesn't feel like it's

worth it. Because it's only a 10 looper. You know? I don't. I would say, that. I would not go to Thorpe Park, so no. For me, I think last year was so shit, like, so epically shit for me. I know you loved it, but I hated it, that I actually feel like this Christmas can, in a way, every Christmas in my life has always been like, it's got to be amazing, it's got to be perfect, it's going to be brilliant, it's got to be magical, it's got to be like on the TV. Now I'm like, it just needs to not be like last year and it'll honestly be, whatever it is will be great. There's the things. We want to discuss Christmas

as it actually is on this episode. So normally we talk about some problems people are having, we're awful agony aunts for you and I feel like this one we'd want to go through some Christmases of our past. What, like our own horrible our own horrors. Our own ghosts of Christmas past. And then we've got our wonderful guest James Acaster.

James Acastor is here. Hello, yes, please. And James helps us solve our listener problem this week and actually it was a really good question for him. Also, he's just I mean, surprise guys. James A.caster, done if you know. Kind of funny. Very funny. I mean, I didn't enjoy how much you guys talked about Pokemon, but fine. It happened. We're both good players. Let it be.

I've moved on. Thank you very much. I thought it's my Christmas gift to you. I'm just moving on. And we'll talk about our Christmases with him as well, but I think we would want to go through the back catalogue of Christmases we've suffered in our youth. I feel like you're like, I'm just going to push this until she asks because I do have some therapy that needs doing. I've got through a lot of different Christmas times, okay?

Tell me, favourite Christmas gift? Favorite Christmas gift ever? Okay, I got a typewriter. What? And I loved it for about two hours. How old were you? And it was incredible. I was like, oh, it must have been like six or seven.

I must. I saw, no, like an early learning center one. Don't picture like a vintage type. Yeah. Okay. I was like, what are you talking? Like, kateen. Really big buttons.

Like plastic, 100%. Not like my mom wasn't going around like orchards. That's what I was thinking. I was like, What? And I must have seen something on TV or, like, read a book where someone was using a typewriter and I was like, that's my truth. That is me.

That's me. And also, we were going through a phase at school where the coolest girl at school was really good at writing and reading. I don't know how to explain it. Isn't that just academia? Academia, but she was like... We were going through this weird phase at school. We were like, the cool one was the one who could, like, read.

There's this really cool girl at our school. She could read and write. It was mad. She was amazing. And like whenever we had to like write a short story Like you'd always want to be partnered with her Cause she'd write a really cool short story And we were like oh my god

She's gonna get published this is insane Like it was a whole thing You were six and you were like oh my gosh Also you had to collab on short story Well I did they were like Oh Helen can't do it by herself No no no someone else So I was like and and and like no skills

That's interesting I would have thought of you as like If anything you were asked to write a short story And you provided like a tome I could do a play Oh okay great yeah exactly If I was able to act it out, then 100% to sit and write. No, I need a Kath Soper. Thank you, Kath.

Who is now a very successful playwright. It all comes round. It all makes sense in the end. She made it. She was always going to. Well, I'm glad that you played with it for two hours. What happened to it there after? So then I didn't realize that you couldn't delete and you had to restart.

And I was just like trying to write like one thing. Probably like a list of people I need to send thank you letters to, whatever the Christmas Day version of like fun is. because I couldn't delete when I made a mistake which was constant I had to like rip it out and start again

and then I was just like I don't like it anymore but for that two hours I fell like Joe March it was incredible that's so nice I know how about you best gift ever

I think actually and we discussed this with James so I won't give too much away but while it did break my heart in some ways which we discussed with him ultimately I did get a purple bike, a purple ladybird bike.

And my mom set it up in such a way that when you open the living room door it was there like gleaming. Oh stop. With this huge purple bow on and it was just like, it was my first like grown up bike. It wasn't like a kid's bike.

And I just was like it was everything I wanted. It was so cool and I mean little did I know that I was just turning into the like age where I would rather fucking do anything than cycle to the shop. At the time I was like like this is freedom yeah this is my this is my way out that genuine belief that you found

the thing that will make you this is me this is mine the world is our oyster wow and how many times do you reckon you use that bike uh well I'd say um my period started properly like heavily within the within a nine month period of that so I wasn't my that makes it sound like I was pregnant at the time no no no no I'm but like the period started but once that happened, I was like, it was like, do you want to go for a cycle? And I was like, are you calling me fat? It's like, so really after that, it just sort of sat in the shed. Yeah, any sort of exercise equipment for Christmas, as soon as you turn a certain age, it's just going to be rough.

Yeah, exactly. And it just feels past back. And it shouldn't be, it should just be a fun bike. And instead, all of a sudden, it's like, what are you trying to say? Yeah. How dare you? This helmet's going to ruin my hair. I remember that.

I would always get chocolate coins in our stocking as well as, like, a satsuma. And then, like, I would automatically. for the chocolate coins and it was all fun in games and I turned 13 and I was eating the chocolate coins

and I was like why is everyone looking at me why are they judging me yeah exactly it's like and it should just be a fun thing and no one cares

for the time I was 14 I learned open the chocolate coins put them somewhere hidden in my bra and then take them upstairs because you got a secret you got a secret

because I'm like Santa will judge you like so obsess I love how we both took really lovely gifts our parents I clearly worked for and just were like

and the wedding which that led fed into my neurosis was the following way Okay, great. Do you have any... I remember one year I got toe socks in my stocking. I got toe socks. They were everything.

They were everything. Are they in again? Can we get them? I don't think they're in again. But if we could get them, does anybody know where we can get toes? It's two days to Christmas. Mommy, if you're listening, I want toe socks. Mine were rainbow colors?

Mine too. Oh, I loved them. Ladies size nine wide fit? Me too. They were Claire's accessories. Oh, yeah, because I got them when I was like 15, so they weren't like a wide fit, nine. so great. They were amazing because that was also the era of when I was like

wearing pajamas under my uniform and would pull up my socks to keep them up and hidden. We all did this like little weird pirates because we weren't allowed to wear tights. We had to wear the school socks and we would be for a reason so we'd all wear our bulky pajamas underneath. Mad. Like some sort of like you know there's like

what are they bloomers underneath the women? Yeah, we were like that in school. Yeah, we were like that. So the toe socks under your school socks were a game change. They were also just so freaking cool. Like you just looked awesome with toe socks on. It felt like a thing T and Tamira would wear and you were like, this is...

It's sister vibes 100%. Remember one year I wanted a spice girl's dress and I really wanted a spice girl's dress and I don't know what a spice girl's dress. I don't know, I think maybe... Like a Union Jack dress? Maybe the Union Jack dress or like there must have been like a dress

and BHS that had Spice Girls on it. I was like I want that. So my mum made one and just glitter glue the red spice across the front. No. Which is so loving but so wrong. Yeah. And you know, and you're like, I've got to be grateful, but she's, she's fucked it.

She is absolutely fuck this. So you're there, like, don't cry, don't cry. You can't cry because you've got given the wrong gift. And then you're just there, and then like, Uncle Jerry arrives. And he's like, do you love it? And I'm like, it's awful. The stitch work is terrible. Christmas is ruined.

I just want the BHS spice costume. And then you're there, you're eating your coins, but they're all finished. Everyone's like, just have the satsuma. I don't want it. Also, can I just say We never got satsumas in our stockings Because I think that that's just Passag and rude

It's like if you didn't want to buy me another gift Don't buy me another gift But don't give me your filler fruit So I support it's traditional It's not tradition in my house Absolutely not I would say that sometimes Because obviously it would be

At the very bottom of the stocking Oh the last thing you take out Is an underwhelming And it's squashed It's squashed by everything Yeah I remember as well Me and my siblings all had different stockings

That we did choose us and mine size wise, I fucked it. I fucked it. I fucked it for myself. And it's not like you're trying to fill it when you're younger, but you are. You are. What are you talking about? Of course you are.

That's the main aim of it. Absolutely. Got any... We're such fucking brats. We really are. God bless us all. My Clementine would be squash because there is so many presents on top of that. So tell me, please, do you have any.

thing in your family tradition-wise that you do that you're going to keep up? So it's the thing, that your family is super, super Christmas. My family a little bit less Christmassy. Like, we don't all, like, go, we used to go to church when we were younger, but that stopped. Like, we don't go crazy decorating. We kind of

never did. We own decorated, like, four days before Christmas. Like, it wasn't like... You got your tree, four days before Christmas? Yeah, her mom was running her drama school from our living room, so the tree would be in the way of her doing her improv exercises. I love the idea that the tree can't be there because it's not always Christmas in the scene

So like if anyone who's new here My mom ran in a legal drama school From our living room the entire time I was growing up Teaching children how to improv For cash and hand It was a great time And that would be where she'd teach Then we wouldn't put the Christmas tree up

And then when we decorated we went a bit But we didn't go crazy Like our Advent calendars were pictures Like we were that house Can you stop with all of your weird sad stories And just give us like one nice tradition One nice tradition It's like one thing

But it's all nice, but we all open gifts together downstairs. We didn't have stockings in the room. I say our nice tradition is we always go on a Christmas Day walk, which now I'm old enough to opt out of. I can just say, Helen's chill. I'm like, that's a lot. It's my favorite part of Christmas Day. We're all having a nice time.

And then, like, obviously, like, the uncle's my dad. And they're like, it's walk time. And I'm like, it's cold outside. It's raining. I'm absolutely having nothing to do with this. So I'm like, it's not walk time for Helen. I'm staying in. ideally they all go out sometimes people also stay behind now which is fine but I just want to watch TV

and usually it's after lunch so then I can finish what I wanted to have for lunch but didn't want to because my mum was looking and judging so I can go back and make my sausage sandwich I will say this actually for a little while I was the only one who didn't go to mass and obviously like drama but also that blissful two hours where it was like, I can eat my Percy pigs out of my stocking for breakfast. I can be like, I can do whatever. I just watch the Christmas TV, sit in my PJs. So good, but alas, yeah, people stay back now.

Okay, those are, well, that was a really terrible story about your Christmases. I know, I made it sound awful. Like, it's okay. It's just that I'm not like, I don't dread Christmas, but I do find it something I don't, like, it doesn't make my ear. One controversial tradition that we have, that I really enjoy is that we have stockings

in the morning we have breakfast at the ripe old age of 31 yeah 33 still getting my stocking baby Ruth and 31 for dignity

you did you tried to no no 33 baby and um running downstairs oh my god what's father

Christmas got us literally although it's better than when my mom used to make us as children stop at the manger and saying

happy birthday to Jesus before we'd go in and open the Christmas seriously God bless the Irish at this time of you God fucking bless the iris

every year What would you sing, away in the manger? Happy birthday. No, no, come on. Happy birthday, dear, Jesus, or baby Jesus. Just to be clear, Jesus was not born then. Jesus was 100% born in April. Didn't they find that out?

And he's 100% in Ares. Okay, well, anyway, we would sing... There's no way Jesus is a Christmas sign. Yeah, because it's like meant to match with like a winter pagan festival. Dang. Yeah, it's actually April, baby. Yeah, no, like, none of it's real, guys. I don't know what the issue is.

I'm just saying sing it in April. I'm not saying don't sing it. Just sing it to him in April. Okay, well, I'll mention that you should sing happy, we can't really, it feels rude to sing happy birthday on his death day, which is the point is.

It's like Shakespeare, born and died in the same day. Wow, I did not know that. Yeah, Shakespeare died on his birthday. Both very, right. Good for him. No, that's not true. God, tell me, you'd go and sing

happy birthday to the baby Jesus. We're not laughing to the manger. We're celebrating them. Okay, great. And sing happy birthday to Jesus. And then we'd go in. But anyway, the point of that story was actually to say that the tradition that we do is we have our stockings in the morning, we have our breakfast, they go to Mass, and then we watch some TV or whatever. I'll go for a run usually. I know you hate that part.

Hey, you've got to do what's true to you. It's wrong, but it's fine. We live on a canal, so not on a canal, but by a canal, so all the canal boats get done up for Christmas, so I quite like running by them. So the whole of Ireland goes all out. No, I'm just saying I get to run by the boats and be like, I'm glad it's Christmas and I don't live on a boat. And then I get back to my house. You know, like a little bit of Christmas appreciation and mindfulness. And then, but the thing we do after dinner is then we do our presents. And people hate this.

You wait until after dinner? Well, we used to have our Santa present and our stocking and then everything else was after dinner. And it was so, it's so amazing because, first of all, my mom does it very dramatically. She puts every single present into what she calls a Santa bag. And then she takes one out one in a house. A stocking. No, this huge bag. She takes one out each, and then she'll announce the person who is.

it's to who it's from and they would like clap they'd open it they'd say what they'd say what it is they'd say what it is they'd be like so my mom would be like katherine it's for katherine from auntie burney and then i'd open it and be like it's a very toy or whatever and they'd like yay and then if it was from someone in the room you'd be like thank you mom thank you blah and it would make it last like an hour and a half but also was like a really good way of checking you got the same number of gifts as your siblings that nobody was the favorite and also of like really like

making it evident I love it like it did make it very obvious because everyone was watching it's like Christmas at a care home I was thinking like primary school students and they're like and Susan brought her tambourine doesn't feel like a family just relaxing and having fun together does it

but I love it and I love my mom loves the ceremony and the pump she's like the mayor of Christmas and also like also the thing is like that way you get presents in the morning you have breakfast you have like the big dinner it's so lovely and then there's also presents in the evening last the whole day I think our Christmas dinner isn't good because my mom doesn't want to cook right so we each bring a dish so it's just a mishmash of like I just I'll pick up some sausages some co-op like Michael will bring my dad's always in charge of the cheeseboard he just brings one block of cheddar one of red lester which is two for three pounds

And then he's like, done, and we're like, fair enough. And then no one touches it. And then on Boxing Day, inevitably, I'll wake up. My brother will just be eating like 200 grams of cheddar with marmite spread across the top of it. Like, it's just a piece of cake. And I'll be like, Merry Christmas. And they'll be like, do you know, I see each other this year? And I'll be like, okay, cool.

Like, that's the whole vibe. You know what? I thought we would have to actually, like. But it's fine. It's fine. I'm fine. I like it. I like it.

I hate Christmas. I can really tell. The thing about this podcast was, I was worried about doing a Christmas episode because I thought like we don't want to over-amp how great Christmas is when sometimes people don't have a great time around it but actually what I now find myself having to do is to go like

it's not that sad it's not that bad you might have an okay time. But the thing about Christmas is I don't know how I stand it next like I don't want anyone else to feel bad or have a bad time because it's such a great time but then with me I'm like it's a bit shitty and have you considered not have you considered first of all that sausages from co-op are not a dish as you described

They are a dish. But also, have you considered maybe bringing, like, a brie and some crackers? Yeah, but I'm not in charge of the cheese. Michael's in charge of the cheese. Take it away from him. Yeah, what do you say? I'll do the cheese board this year. Yeah.

I mean, that's a good point. My uncle Jerry's the only one that crushes that he does booze and he just arrives and he brings me all my wine bottles. And because I can't eat a roast without ketchup, he brings me like a big ketchup every Christmas. I don't know. Which is super sweet of them. Maybe you wouldn't be better at the store. Because I don't particularly enjoy the taste of a roast for me.

a bit bland. Maybe you should all just go out. Just go to a restaurant. This is what I've been suggesting because no one wants to cook. None of us are cooks. Like my mum's like a cook. That's kind of why the cheese board needs to be so good because it's the no cooking part. Crackers, grapes, lots of lovely cheeses.

Walnuts. But no one's going to do it. No one's going to set it up. It'll end up being on a plate. What do you mean set it up? You just have to get the cheese out. There's no wooden board. You know.

A plate would be fine. If I try and play Christmas music, then my mom's going to have a migraine. Like you just kind of. You can't quite win. I have a migraine. I have a migraine listening to your Christmas. Andrew, do we need to buy the Bowers

a Christmas like cheese board? Yeah, or just like a voucher for like a Green King or something and let somebody else do. It's just a pub. Just a pub. Let them do your Christmas dinners. This is really bad.

So I wanted this year to do Christmas in Brighton because then I was like we can go and have like a nice curry or something and just have like a chill Christmas thing but my mum wants to host it which I totally get because we didn't have Christmas together last year because of the lockdown. But now I'm just sort of like

So is it just going to be like us just sitting around staring at each other? Don't mention the divorce. What is? Because I will. I will. If there's a lull on it, I'll be like, anyway, is this awkward for you? Because I feel tired. No, dad's got a girlfriend.

I'm mad as that. Helen, in that. Okay, so that's what you've done. Oh, if you're listening to this family members, stop now. Helen, look at me. Okay, I'm looking at you. I'm chill. Okay, let's do just like a displacement, replacement sort of.

I don't know what it is, but 100%. Okay. So every time you think on the, menting the divorce, I want you to use that time to replenish, we're replenish, replenish, the cheese, the crackers or the chutney. So I want you to focus your, I want you to take your So what you're saying is I have to do the cheeseboard. I want you to take your divorce energy and put that into the cheeseboard. It would be the best

cheeseboard that's ever been. But how much no one has it? Look at me. Okay. You're going to win them back with a cheeseboard like you wish. Why have I lost them? Why have I lost them? No, you're, you're going to, Compensate for the divorce with a cheese board. They're going to love it. They're going to embrace it and they're all going to come together around it. This is, this is you fixing your family, is the cheese board.

I'm telling you now, if I do that, my mom will suddenly have a lactose intolerance who you've never had. Three years ago, she got an epipan that she bought because she's allowed to coconut now. You've prepared for every eventuality. Oh, that's right. There's a beautiful company called the Old Time Cheese and it's cheese with an A. And they make a beautiful vegan cheese that she can eat. You have it.

You're ready to go. Mark's a Spentage. Seriously, I'm waiting for Marianne to bring pancake down in the carrie cart and I'm going to sit with pancake and just stuff myself stupid. With the cheese board. That's what I'm going to do.

So what's going to be on it? Bree? Yeah. Can your brother spread Malmite on Bree? He can spread Malmite on anything. It can be one of the dishes. Oh, Ted can do bloody anything he puts his mind too.

A brie? A camembert. Those are too soft cheeses. So why not just have a brie? Make it easy for yourself. Camembert. Cheddar. Baby bells, cheese strings.

No. Jerry Lee Dunkers and... No, no, no, no, no, no, roll back, roll back, roll back. A leaning tower of cheesler. What about like... Wensleydale. Lovely, yes. What about like a cornish cruncher? No idea, but yep, absolutely fine.

Do they serve them in co-op? They sell all of these... They actually sell ready-made cheeseboards, so like a mix. I know, but they come with those of plastic and my family are super like anti-plastic. Okay, but you could copy it. You could look at what it is and then just buy the cheeses that aren't so covered in... That's a good point.

Okay, fine. I'm doing a change. cheeseboard. I've got two days to get a cheeseboard together. And that's going to take me a minimum five days. No, it's not. I reckon it will. We'll go after. I'm going to help you. Yeah, but you don't have this because your mum does the cheeseboard. But I can lay it out. I bring stuff. What do you bring to Christmas? And when I make a cheeseboard, I do like sliced apple, candied walnuts. See, this is what I'm saying. Like, that's bad, isn't it? Like, it's nice. And I would love it if someone presented it to me. I will present it to you. But there's no, you're coming to my mum's house.

With the cheeseboard. I'm going to make that family right. Could you imagine just knocking on the door and they're like, who are you? Who are you? I work with your daughter. Which one? Me just being like,

don't worry, one of these relishes is actually ketchup. Oh, look, that's Gerald with the ketchup. Hello, hello, hello, hello. Hello, Alan. I'm like, Gerald. Listen, we have... You describe your family like the Giants and the BFG. Yes.

I think we are though Look I think Wherever you spend your Christmas However you spend your Christmas I hope that it's with less ketchup than Helen A more diverse, generous, self-loving A nice mayonnaisey ketchupy Pigs and Blanket Sandwich please

Also that sounds great Just enjoy yourself Also my mum doesn't have any bread in the house She has like usually a couple of ends in the freezer Which are like beyond freezer bag Because she just doesn't like it It just fills her up too much Bring bread.

No, because then I'm the big girl that bought bread, and then that's another discussion point for Christmas Day. How are you not understanding this? Wow. Okay, but you need bread for all the roast dinner sandwiches. I know. But then that's, just bring it. Anyway, forget what she says.

Just bring it, because everyone's going to thank you for it. No, they won't. Pancake will. The only person that understands me is my sister's morbidly abased. More on this with James Acaster. Hey, do your best. Get through it. Eat whatever the hell you want. Enjoy yourself. I am looking forward to watching loads of TV and not working. That is always nice. I'm excited for the food. I mean, the food in your house sounds terrible. You should make those two cheeses into a mac and cheese. You're not going to do that.

Have a great Christmas. Should I introduce James? I feel like this will be a good change of pace for us right now. Everybody, please enjoy Christmas James Acaster. at James A castes' house. Christmas, that's James, it's not at his house. It's in the studio. Yeah, he doesn't tell us where he lives. I know.

I know. I know. What? Do you not know? No. Oh my God, I know. Have you been to his house? No, but we spend poke stops, so I know vaguely.

Oh, okay. That's different. So freaking creepy. Hello, don't skip. It becomes apparent. It has become apparent that people like Chloe Pets, who do listen to every episode, skip when we're doing admin. Fucking rude. So, in case you didn't know, you get an extra episode a week.

If you're a patron, patron, patron, patron, so sign up. And also, when they're doing an advert, they do actually say valuable things, but I didn't realize that. Yeah. So yeah, you get an extra episode. It's worth a three quid a month. Just check it out. Five pounds a month. It is also worth five pounds a month. Okay, Andrew will edit this, or maybe he won't, but I hope you haven't skipped. Please join us for the extras. Yeah.

Hello James Acaster. How are you? Good. How are you? Both. Good, thanks. Fucking livid. What's going on? We just tried to do a Pokemon trade. I thought we could do two because I caught special Pokemon for James. What?

In Lanzarotti, their regional Pokemon. Are you flirting with James Lancaster? This is how I do it. This is how we do it. Like, doing a Pokemon, don't do a podcast. When you were in Lanzarotti where you brought us that horrible fridge magnet, You got James Pokemon. You're welcome.

What fridge of my thing? She brought me this like lit-flop fridge. It's hideous. Lizard on it, Diamante's glitter. This is Lanzarotti along the bottom. And Andrew got a shell. He had almost certainly been in that shop for like 45 years. It was so fun-paid.

Six for five euros made in China. That's nice, isn't it? That is nice. James, just circle back. I didn't have you pegged for a Pokemon player. In 2019, I had a very long tour. And I needed something to do on the tour. And I was watching

TV with my nephews who are really into Pokemon. Was he on tour with you? No, but this is like, you know, I had some days off. Okay, cool. And I was able to hang up my nephews and they love Pokemon. And we were trying to get them out of the house that day and they didn't want to leave the house. And I was like, oh, I know there's this app. And maybe I can get

up my phone. I can say, hey, do you want to go outside and catch Pokemon? Okay. So did that with them. And then I was like, I'm pretty into this, actually. And I'm quite enjoying catching them. How old is the nephew? At the time, they would have been seven and five. Which is Pokemon age appropriate and we are aware of that.

Okay, but also neither of you seem to have been aware of the like addictive nature of this. I genuinely still believe it might be a phase. It's been a year or so now, but I still believe it will, one day I'll just wake up and I'll be like, you know what? I don't need to spend that post-off. We are rounding up on 22 and you're still playing this. So 2019 was well, I did the majority of my catching and hatching. because there's eggs as well.

Yeah. So I was catching and hatching all year. Yeah, yeah, you've got to hatch some eggs. I can't adventure thing with my phone, so I've got to have it open at all times. It's a bloody nightmare. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. I'm all right.

I'm all right. I've hatched over 500 eggs, so I do have a gold coin. If you have adventure syncs, then even if you're not on the app, it will track your, oh, I don't care. Okay. It's interesting. What do the other adults in your life make of it? I only hang out with people who do it.

I don't, uh, I'm not talking to people. We've got a group that we've talked about it in. You've put out other people who don't. We're in a WhatsApp group, me and Bauer. Who else is in the? Sakeet, does the name Sikisa? Sakeha. Oh yeah.

I'm not. Did she think? Ross from Access Malarkey. Yeah. Henry Wittaker. Henry Wittaker. These are like proper adults. It's a big group, honey.

And we raid together. We haven't for a while, but. Yeah. Yeah. And actually, here's what we figured out is that together, we all work in different parts of the, uh, the comedy industry. And actually, if we wanted to, we've got the skills among us

to organize a tour, a world tour, where we go around catching Pokemon but also like doing gigs and filming it. Why do I feel like you're pitching to Channel 4 right now and I'm such a... Because they're going to get it made. I'm not such a disappointed development. Exactly.

I'm like, uh-huh. No, that's a good show. I think that's a really good show. Okay. And it ends with Japan with Pokemon, like actual Pokemon. Yeah. It'd be incredible.

Oh my goodness. Be a good ending. This is the thing. We're rounding up the year. It's nice to know what you're going to do the next year. I think it's very important to have plans. Yeah, it is important. Speaking of which, how are you spending Christmas?

Don't do that? I just don't think it's going to be the funnest one I've ever had. You loved last year. Last year I loved. Me and my Emma Black, my Emma Black, just in our house, just like dicking about, eating, drinking, playing with my Furby. Like, it was so good.

I think we watched Funny Girl on Christmas Day. Like, dreamy, dreamy, dreamy, dreamy. This year, I thought we might do a Brighton Christmas with the family. My dad lives in Brighton and I was like... I thought he lived in a one bed. He lives in a one bed, yeah, but we can... Can you stay there? No, we can, like, stay in a hotel.

My dad lives on like a divorced man's marina, sort of a thing. Okay. But the problem is we... There's a part of Brighton called the marina where it's just divorced men in rented units. None of them own curtains. There's nothing on the walls. Like, nothing.

And I am the most attractive person when I go there. And that is how I set the scene. And loads of them are like, who knows the wife? We've got a boat. But my dad doesn't have a boat. It's just really sad. But he's thriving. He enjoys himself.

It's really close to the sewage works he works in. He's appy. Michael's simple. Simple pleasures. So I thought, okay, let's do a bright in Christmas. And we can all stay in like a hotel and then hang out on the beach during the day. It's like a wintry beach. Problem is we don't know what to do with pancake.

Is pancake coming? Pancake has to come. It's a pancake. Would you not, if you not talked about it in the group? Well, it doesn't sound like a Pokemon. one. So it wouldn't get brought up in the Greek.

Cancake is my little sister's hamster slash the light of her life. It is the only thing she's ever loved. Also morbidly obese. Has to wear guinea pig clothes?

Pancake has to, well, everything's from the guinea pig are now. How is that happening? Pancake has gained because Marianne keeps giving her a hard boiled egg

for fun. What? There's so much to explain here. I know. You never get so. Pancake, Pancake. You know what?

This kind of stuff annoys me so much. I hate people who have pets and the way that they show love for their pet is bad for their pet because it's so selfish. The whole figure's just about her having an animal. Helen, Helen, she doesn't feel bad. Explain.

You don't care. She doesn't care. If it dies. It's all about her. It's all about her. So, who fucking reasons it like that? Helen, give context to make James Acaster feel bad. What?

Explain your sister. Oh, she's got severe autism. Okay. Fine, fine. How quickly you were enigued on animal cruelty, you were like, no, but I'm the fucking bane of my life, okay? So Marianne got pancake. I always, same as everything, we all grew up believing, like,

oh, Marianne just felt it really hard to form emotional attachments of people. Like, she just works differently. And then she got her pamphster, and it's like, oh, no, she can love things. She just doesn't love us. So that was really hard to deal with. Right, good. Then pancake started gaining and like, gaining.

And we're not here to body shame, but pancake can no longer get on a wheel. Pancake can't get into a hamster house. So we have to, like, exclusively shop in, like, guinea pig and rabbit-sized shops. Like, it's a fucking nightmare. She eats everything. And because pancake eats anything that's put in front of her, she's having, like, eggs all the time, omelets, like, roast dinners. Like, whatever pancake wants, pancake gets. Pancake will have anything

That she wants that Because she's like there She wants anything at this point Doesn't her that? But like You know the nutty professor? Shelley We're like we're like that size now

But pancake Hold on though Hold on So Can't someone step Will you like Can no one step in Were your sister not have it?

So pancake originally lived at my mums Yeah That was the deal That if she stayed at my mums than she could get a hamster. So she got the hamster, and then immediately within two days,

my sister decided that pancake was scared of my mum, and if my mum went close to her, pancake would cry. And that was a deal breaker, a deal breaker. So mum was not allowed access to pancakes. So pancake was very much like a child in a basement. Yeah.

That no one was allowed to access. We just knew she existed. Okay, so I used to work at a school with autistic kids. Yeah. And, oh, then I can paint the picture. So Marianne's autistic, but she's still a big bow. girl so like imagine the strength so like don't picture your school

one of the kids we wouldn't yeah there was some of the kids are out with that we wouldn't fuck with so she's definitely like she's got a good tennis arm whatever they wanted yeah well I don't know I think she can still understand like what is it isn't appropriate right

with their hamster like you shouldn't be feeding the hamster no because then she surely knows that that hamster shouldn't be that size so I go to Marianne like oh pan is really big she's like I know she's so cute she loves her so much and also like She only, Pancake will only live two years.

So we're coming towards the end of the cycle. I would also, how old is Pancake now? So Pancake was born last September, but Pancake's birthday is whenever Marianne decides she wants gifts. So she's had quite a few. Can I just say one thing in Marianne's defense? She parents pancake exactly how I think I will parent children.

Which is to say like, when you're coming to her house, she reminds you in advance you will need to be bringing gifts for the children on account of how great the children are. She doesn't remind you. She demands it at the front door. Yeah. But, yeah, she does a door check too, which I also like.

And she does ultimately build her world around pancake. She made 40 fridge magnets for pancake during lockdown. She walked an hour to go to a print shop to print off pictures to make fridge magnets just in case someone wanted merch. I mean, I don't just like that. Do you want one? No. She's like the Chris Jenner of Hamster Mum. I love it.

I love it. Pancakes got TikTok now. course, which is great. It's very excited for pancake. But like, basically, so Christmas, pancake knows fleet and is more comfortable

at my mum's in fleet than in Brighton. My dad rents, my mum owns. Does pancake go about the town or is it just house to home? So, no, well, then pancake can travel in her cat-sized carry cart to my mum's for Christmas.

But then Marianne's now insisting that we do a stocking for pancake. Yeah, yeah. Which I draw the line at, Because I'm not getting a stocking. That's where you draw the line. I draw the line. Because for context, my 30th birthday this year,

my dad rung me a week before and I was like, oh shit, he's calling because he wants to know what I want for my birthday. This is so exciting. And I was like, do you want to know what I want? And he was like, oh, it's locked down to something I can do. And then in a minute he was like, so I just posted pancake her Easter gift. What the fuck?

And then he sent me 20 pounds of M&S vouchers. Make it 30. You're fucking cheap skate. I was her 30th birthday. And he said me 20 pounds of M&S vouchers. That's a dad. who knows this kid James, have you ever

had a pet? Yeah? Yeah, which kinds? Huh? What kinds? Loads of kinds were growing up. I haven't been any of them as interesting as this shit.

Oh, okay. No, I had a rat. I had, uh, my first pet ever was a rat. What was it called? Fonzie. Oh, that's cute. No, I don't think they should be pets. What?

Why? Rat. You just sit on my head. Did you ever feed your rat? I don't think rats seem like fun. No. You like bread, though. Brats just don't seem like, are you supposed to...

Well, you're making that face like, like... I'm fucking hungry, rodent. That's nasty. Like, it's like nasty. She's actually just making her bread face. She's just saying like, I want some bread now. I love bread so much. She loves bread.

Okay, and what do you, what do you do for lockdown Christmas? We went to, oh, nightmare. Oh, God. In terms of... Because, you know, there was the whole thing about, like, three households and then, and then it was like... Yeah, then it changed. And then it was, all that stuff. And so, like, we had, you know, the day that they announced London going to lockdown or whatever it was.

And everyone panicked and bailed. Yeah, so that morning before they've made the announcement, my dad had driven to London picked us up, but it was back to Ketman because, not because we didn't think there wasn't been an announcement. And because that was the only day that he could come up because we didn't want to get the, Get the train. Lucky you. So we were like, we don't want to get the train

and be on the train with everyone. He was like, I can pick you up on this morning. I'm not free at any other time. Came and got us then. But we had been so good with the rules. It's me and my girlfriend.

So when we arrived in, and my parents' house and then they made that announcement, we instantly were like, oh no, we went to, we stayed in there and now we've been bad. No, but we weren't meant to leave.

No, that's fine. And we just felt very, yeah, torn about whether we should have, should be there or not. maybe we shouldn't be here and all this stuff. So it was one of those, you know, I guess a lot of people can relate to it, all the way through lockdown, just not sure what the rules are,

what are to do the right rules, then thinking you're not doing them and feeling really bad and all that. So it was that, that was my Christmas, was me sitting there going, should I even be here? That's like all Christmases though, right? It's like a bit of guilt, a bit of angst, a bit of moral quandary, and whether or not you should really be spending it with you. And here we are back to the Irish Christmas.

Not everyone feels guilt on Christmas. What? I don't feel guilt on Christmas day. Should I? We don't have guilt around Christmases. I wouldn't expect you to feel guilt. No guilt whatsoever. Last year, me and Emma's put it in.

Luckily my brother lives very close. I went and had espresso martinis on his doorstep. Went back to mine. Expressing martinic. Very festive. It was very festive. I exclusively feel guilt around Christmas. Why?

Well, the whole thing. is like is it too excessive is it not excessive enough have I bought for the right people have I bought enough for the right people have I bought too much for the people have I am I spending enough time

am I giving everyone the same amount of equal time am I really getting the meaning of it am I taking a break am I actually supposed to be working through it is at the time that you should be making most money because other people don't want to do the gigs is it like have I let my family down what am I do next year have I wasted my year

like you're looking at me like I'm on your side I'm completely un-haffered side. Thank you. Why? It's exactly, I'm just the same. I'm just thinking too much about that. Present buying, especially, it's like, how I bought a good gift.

Yeah. Have I bought enough? How I bought too much is a big one. You know what? My family are so shit at doing gifts. We just don't do them. So, like, I think it's just very chill. Do you know what I'm?

Well, you say it's chill, but you told us the story earlier where you didn't sound the most chill person about gifts. That was my 30th year's birthday. The 30th birthday, you expect your dad to at least get you a 30-pound voucher from M&S and not 20. I've never seen my phone ring and have thought to myself, they must be ringing to ask me what presents I want. So I think, you know, maybe presents for you are a bigger deal than you let on. The man makes a solid point.

You're right. I've been seen. I've been seen. Like pancake can't even get a stocking just because you're not getting one. Pankakeet stocking will just be more food. She gets to live for two years. Yeah. Let her have her snack. I don't have her stock in. She's huge.

She feels just a little. It's just getting to a bit body shaming and I don't like it. I don't like it. She can barely breathe. I remember when I was, when I was younger, my mom used to. If that have pancake food. If that is true, I mean. She's going to call somebody.

I'm going to call. I get this hamster rescue. I think any animal charity go, old is it? Oh, that's not worth it. Forget it. If it's made it this long, give it another egg.

Did you, I don't know if you were like to this change, so I used to obviously fix the tree when I'd get home or like, my siblings had to be allowed to also decorate it, but then I would fix it because I have. And you're fun, yeah. So fun.

And then the other thing I would do is take out all of the presents repeatedly, especially for somebody added one when they'd been wrapped from under the tree and then put them back in as they were like as as symmetrical as they could be under a tree in a situation

that's never symmetrical but ultimately we try and so my mom often now even will like chuck the decorations on chuck the gifts under and then be like Catherine will fix it and I love to so it's fine

but part of that operation used to be that my mother would have me count how many gifts each of us has currently under there oh no that she could check that we all have exactly the same Isn't that like a thing for the Dursley family in Harry Potter?

That's like a sign that he's a bad boy is that he has to count how many presents you get? The problem is my mom has three kids who are going like, it's cool, we don't need any more stuff and she's like... Quickly buy them a yo-yo. Yeah, she's like, they must have exactly

they would all know I love them equally and the most. It's like very good. So she really puts a lot of love into and I know that. I definitely do look at my siblings. So what I'm saying is I didn't lick it off a stown like I got her from somewhere.

And then I feel that way that all the people in my life, but also simultaneously like we're ridding the planet and like capitalist mentality. But we've talked about this before. Like you don't have to get everyone a gift. Like people don't expect it.

Like you expect that they will expect it. But people don't. Everyone's very chill. I don't think that's true. I mean, I want a gift from you. And James is expecting his at the end of the recording. Obviously.

That makes sense. Obviously my fingers for a stocking full of eggs or whatever. Oh my God. Because you imagine I'd show up on Christmas morning with like two hardboard X for pancake. That'd be fucking great, wouldn't it? I'd actually, I don't mean. That's the only thing I have to buy.

Just that. Do it. I'm doing it. One Christmas, my stocking was just a CD. And I was the happiest ever. Yeah, normally it was like loads of little things. And one Christmas, my parents had just kind of gone, oh, he wants this album, so we'll just put the album in a stocking and that's it.

And I woke up and stocking. Nothing. Funny enough, I wasn't Jones in for Clementines. But like, I kind of like, I got. No, but if you're trying to feel a stocking, you'd think you'd be like, okay, we got it. Sure. So, like, I guess we just put some fruit. Do you want to discuss the CD with us?

Well, I mean, it won't make me sound cool. It won't make me. No, and you always think. It was an REM album. It was an REM album. That's not like the coolest thing ever. But, like, I really wanted it. Because I've read an article about the making it.

And I really wanted the album. And I was like, I really want this album. How are you? It's so sweet. I was, um, as a teenager. Because, like, it was like, so the two, the, I was raised on REM and Bruce Springsteen

was what my parents were playing a lot in the house. My mum was listening to Bruce Springsteen a lot. I get that. I was listening to R.E.M. a lot. I liked both of them a lot. And R.E.M. had just lost their drummer that year. He had left the band to be a farmer. And they...

Oh, my God, this is your chance. And they decided that they would do an album without... Instead of replacing him, they would use a drum machine. And I read this article about it in like a free magazine of a newspaper. paper and it was like them talking about living in like going to hawaii or somewhere and learning how to use this drum machine and making an album out of it and i was really into it and was like

i really want to hear what they've done because that's like so different for them i think this is pretty cool for a kid and i was like saying like to my dad because my dad like i'm like i was like dad isn't this cool they like did an album with a drum machine he bought you a gift he wanted for your well no to be fair to him he bought me a gift that i wanted and he didn't ask to listen to it he was just like that's his album he's got it and i and and and he's He just left it and it was just mine and the reason

why it was so great to get an album is that normally you wake up get your stock in open it all on your bed and then you're waiting

for like your granddad to have a shave or whatever for some reason that's what he wants to do before in presents

and you're like come on any jokes about you sounding like some sort of Charlie in the chocolate factory but then you

went there and I don't know what to do with it but we talk about how tragic it is that if you like if you got

if you left about like dramatically left a band as the drummer and they were like oh we'll just replace you with a machine whilst you return to the land in the one industry that's already being mechanised but it's hard on the heart they were placed

within the drummer as well yeah I think he I think he would have liked the fact so I'm irreplaceable they don't want to replace me with a person they're doing like they're rather replaced with just a different sound altogether you don't think a man who goes to be a farmer thinks that the world is becoming too like machine run

good point yeah I think that's crazy I'd be like that hope that bit you're right It's the worst thing for him. Don't ruin this Christmas. It'd rather be replaced by a sheep or something. Exactly. How was the album?

I love it. I still love it. It's like one of my favourite. I mean, me and Nish Kumar, whenever we get drunk together, and it's just the two of us, end up always the same conversations. We have two conversations, but we get drunk enough, just the two of us. One is we recap how we met each other. Nice.

And we go over that entire story. That's so cute. The two different gigs we did together, there was a gig where I thought Nish, I thought this was a good guy, but a shit comedian. And he thought that I was a shit person, but a good comedian. And we talk about that and how our opinions have changed over the year. And we really go over about, yeah,

basically then we just talk about our friendship for ages. And then there's another conversation we have, which is just discussing our top five. five REM albums and we do it every time. I've never thought of you as a lesbian couple before but now I'm like wow

that's what you are. That's really sweet. Before we get asked on Twitter what's the album called? Up is the album that and very few people have it very few REM fans have it in their top five.

It's in my top five. I think if anyone's looking to get that last minute stocking gift for their kids for Christmas and two days time to just go out, buy the album up, wrap it and they'll love it. They will look at Harvey.

They will love it. They're loving CDs these days. What no? It gives them somebody listen to before the presents, like, you need something to do, while granddad's shaving and putting a suit on to sit there and have presents. Like, you need something to do. And I, you know, you can only eat so many chocolates and, like, still be, like, jazz. No, he's right. You need stuff to do on Christmas Day because we didn't do stockings, like, three years ago. And it ended up

being Christmas Day. My mum was, like, having proper conversations with people in the kitchen. And it was me, my dad, my Uncle Jerry, my Uncle Philip, watching a documentary about John Demianyuk and whether it was actually him at Treblinka death camp like that was it. Just me and like four mouth-breathing morons, just all of us just like going like, do you think it's him?

See, I'm not religious but this is the case for a good morning mass. That is the German version of morning math. Yeah, it just kills up with ours. You know what I mean? I think, no, it is him. Yeah, he'shtick.

Because I stopped going to mass and my brother and I are now like, I guess we'll just do a 10K on Christmas Day because there's nothing else to do for those like three hours where you're like well you had breakfast and we're waiting for dinner

what do we TV I love running I like running and we always diverge here Andrew is there a problem that James can help us

solve for a listener yeah there is indeed I feel like I'm going to walk away with more problems than I came with you're fine okay let's do it my goodness

he's having a nice day good thank you James is never coming back Okay go on People come back People come back It's like episode 12 No

Go on This is from H It says hello hogs Have we had a H before There's only 26 letters down But Catherine Would you believe it if I said it was from X Oh

Hold on Do you refer to your We anonymise it Some people put like personal issues And stuff So where is like Hell and full names Every member of her family

And tells you their workplaces home addresses and travel lodges of choice. Previous ex-wives addresses. We just think, let's give them some privacy. But as a result, everyone thinks that age from steps has got a lot of problems. Yeah, a huge number of problems. Well, he's gone through a lot. A wide range, yeah, yeah.

Go on. Anyway, they say some lovely things about the podcast, and they say the issue is that they're feeling very creatively impotent at the moment, especially since the pandemic started. Normally they'd go out to theatre and gigs, and that inspiration would feel. to their own creative work. Preachic, normally short fiction and scripts.

And then when that was taken away, they started a podcast with a friend, but they've not had time to start that up again, and they've just not had a lot of time to do anything creative. They feel like their head's not in it, and there's a lack of inspiration. And it feels like that the only thing they can do is their drony office job. Okay, I'll take this, painting by numbers. Easy.

Get on Amazon, 9 to 9p, you're creative, you're filling in the gaps? No thought to it. Done. Creatively impotent, over. painting by numbers do you do that I'm sorry what because I'm creatively

flowing baby no I don't fucking no do I I just think like you go through phases of like coming up with loads of ideas and being really creative

and then sometimes it's just not there and there's no point trying to bully yourself out of it it just it comes and goes there is a second part as well oh

here we go this is gonna make you look an absolute asshole I can't wait to hear this next part I've done painting by numbers it doesn't work P yes I'm colorblind, they say at the end.

Yeah. Fuck! No, as I say, how do you remind yourself that you actually are a creative person when you're not feeling it? And B, how do you combat comparing yourself to more motivated and successful creative friends?

Merry Christmas. I think there's three important things there. How do you stop comparing yourself and how do you convince yourself that you're still a creative person, but also like whether or not there is such a thing as like creative impotence. I think we can.

Can I do the comparison? I don't think you can stop comparing yourself to other people. It's just natural. It's a very natural thing. You can choose not to indulge it, but I think you naturally will look at other people at any point in your life and be like, oh, they're all like getting married, for example,

or they're doing this career goal, or they're buying this house, or they've travelled to this place and I've never been there, or they've got that Pokemon, I don't have that Pokemon, his decks count's better than mine. Of course you compare yourself. It's just whether you indulge it or not. Because I always think,

you must have this as well in comedy. People always say, like, don't read your reviews, don't look at how other people are doing, blah, blah, like, we're going to. Like, it's just natural. You are going to see how other people are doing. It's just part of it. Just choose to go like, oh, okay, well, good for them, and move on.

Don't bully yourself to not do something that's natural. Right? What do you think, James? Yeah, I think some... Agree with me. Yeah, I do it. I broadly agree with you on that. I think different people are more prone to it than others.

Yeah. And people who aren't prone to it are very bad at empathizing with the people who are prone to it. they go like, well, just don't care what they're doing. Who cares? Like you're like, yeah, but it's really in my head. And I think definitely not beating yourself up about that sort of stuff and going, look, logically, I know it doesn't matter what that person's doing. Yeah. Because I can still do what I want to do, but I acknowledge that this has made me feel a certain.

I mean, for so much of this year, I was like, well, Bob Burnham's done that, so I might as well quit. And there was a huge thing I'm just being like, yeah, fuck. He's taller than you as well, right? all of me. Oh, good job, Catherine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, I was just like, he's done what all of us want,

every comedian wanted to do that in lockdown. And he's done it, and he's nailed it, and I'm never going to do anything that's that good in my career. And then you just kind of go, do you know what, let's just, like,

it doesn't matter if, if you don't ever do anything that's that. Because, like, really, you logically know that none of that matters and that means anything. Some people would prefer something that you do or whatever. And it's all subjective

and it's really, you're not doing this. You didn't, get into this to compete with other people and I think that the only thing because there's so many things in well with our job that you kind of like come up against writer's block or whatever feeling that you're not doing as well in your career as you should be feeling that other people are doing better and I think the only thing that really solves it all is remembering why you started in the first place and going I'd started this because I love this this this this and this didn't start it because I was like, I'm going to be the best or I'm going to get great reviews

or I'm going to win an award or anything. You were like, you watched something, like this person saying that I guess I get the thing of like, she can't go to, or they can't go to performances anymore. And so they're struggling to get that. Yeah. It does give you that inspiration. Yeah, I want to think pretty women in the musical two weeks ago. I've been flying high at many material nights since then.

I bet you have. Oh, my goodness. I think, I think what is interesting, though, is I think. A lot of people will be struck by hearing you say that it's something that you, like with Beau, because I think other people would look to you and go, but he hasn't made. I don't really. And I think that what it kind of does remind me of is like, there's no point you get to where you're like, ah, I'm here. I'm done.

I win. There's always like, if you want there to be, there's always something to go, oh, well, I'm not that guy. Yeah. Like, so I think that you kind of have to figure out, like you say, why you're doing... What's what Catherine's saying is just measure your success by the amount of followers you have on social media and then just compare yourself to other people based on that. No, what I'm saying is... What I was actually going to say was that I think that I'm very bad at not looking left to right.

But what I have done recently is try to figure out, I never ask myself. I always go, oh look, they've got this or they've done this. I never go, do I want that? I'll just go, so I should feel bad about myself. and going do I want that is really helpful because actually half the time the answer is no and either half the time is like yep oh that's a useful thing to know

and now I could do something about that rather than like I just think it's it's not it can be quite a constructive way of figuring out what's underneath the jealousy is like is it like actually just I'm feeling bad about myself but also I do think we missed one useful thing

which is like I don't necessarily buy into the idea that there's like times you're inspired in times you're not inspired. I mean... I mean... What? I think there are some work that comes to more easily

and other times that... I'm sorry, Helen, I'm going to disagree with you. I'd be sorry, be better. But I think sometimes you just have to... There are things you can do to methodically get into patterns of work that are fucking boring

and like moving through molasses but like riding exercises that I know are tedious and... But I think if I personally go I just have to wait till the block goes and I am inspired. I could not write another joke ever.

Because since my first five minutes of stand-up, nothing has come to me just like, oh, I could just do this. I think everyone is so different. For me, it is like a case of like, if I'm desperately trying to get something down, then I do have a tendency to be like, okay, well, I should have a bit about that because that would get into this, then I desperately try and think about it

instead of just allowing it to be like organically like, okay, well, what's going on at the moment? Let me chat that out. Obviously, there are examples of times where I sat down and written, once maybe twice I mean to be clear I write like I don't write full fleshed out bits but I think that if you're like

sometimes for me it really helps to go back over stuff I've already written if I'm feeling really stuck because then it's already started I'll just go can I add anything here and then my brain starts to work I agree with that go through all recordings go through like notepads from like years ago like retrospectively looking at it is really useful or like I'll do really basic

one-o-one writing tasks like write a thank you letter to a thing you hate and it's like if I just do five minutes of this today maybe my brain will start working

never heard of that one that's interesting yeah so I don't know like it's a very how many thank you letters have you written me what was there was another part

to that question as well was there not do you have anything that you do that helps you unblock I remind myself that the first draft of anything is going to be shit

and then I just get on with writing the shit thing. So, so I just kind of try and be like, because the thing that's stopping me is that I want to write something that's really brilliant and all I have in my head

is shit ideas. And so then I just go, yeah, that's the point. No one writes the brilliant thing straight away. So just write the shit thing and then later on in the week or whatever,

you can go over this again and make it good. And that's how you've done everything you've ever done. So like, that's, and like I didn't, like,

my first five minutes of stand up was shit. shit. What was it? I can't remember. It was that bad. You forgot it. But like, I was like,

took me so long to get like a decent five or whatever. So like I just always remind myself like it's always been like this. This isn't a new thing. And, um, and that sometimes just following up what you've already done is half the thing. You know, half the kind of like, uh, battle anyway. Or it's an achievement in itself. Like there's loads of bands that I love who have done like albums that like everyone

loves. And then I look at the. their follow-up album, and they've just done, like, they've almost just, like, thrown it out the following year, and it's not very good, exactly. But they've just kind of gone, who cares? We just want to do a thing and put it out there. And I think sometimes just, yeah, doing it is enough, I think.

Do you write, if you are going to write, is there a specific time of day, you write? I do find the late night thing works for me. Oh, interesting. But that's only because when I first started doing stand-up, I was working, like, a job where I have to be at the place at 5 a.m. to set up the breakfast buffet. So then I would do a gig in the evening

and then I would go to a bar and just sit and write, which sounds so much cooler than I actually was. But yeah, late at night for sure. Because I write to deadlines. So if there's a new material night, then I'll panic ideas down, I'll do it on stage,

and then I can rewrite it immediately afterwards. The idea of waking up first thing in the morning. Like, I want to get up in the morning, I want to have my chucky porridge and I want to watch The Simpsons. Yeah, you like your poodle, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. James?

Either first thing or last thing, yeah. like either straight away it's a brand new day I'm a new man I'm going to be this guy every day I love this guy who's going to do stuff

and be productive if I don't you feel like you've got to do your like Pokemon and you've got to spin your first poker stop of the day you've got to catch your first Pokemon of the day you've got to complete your challenge

I'm text driven so not as much that but like you know he has identified as dex driven already actually maybe like listen to him just trying to

like he feels like he said who are you is you're not paying attention so that's crazy that's fine right in the morning like everyone else does it's fucking cliche hacks or it's last thing because like you know i find it very hard to start right in in the middle of the day yeah i'm like oh i'm already this guy yeah yeah or it's last thing i'm like oh shit i've got your mind get everything on the paper and then go to bed like yeah yeah yeah pen pen and paper or computer guy uh it depends what it is so stand up i don't write any of it and everything else is just on computer.

Sorry, what do you mean? You don't write any of it in? I just write keywords in my notes app and that's it. And then don't write everything on the same bullet pointed out. Yeah, I used to. And I wrote my second show, I really loved sitting down and writing it every day

and writing it on the computer, and it was really fun, and I really got into it like that. And in the third show, I did, I tried to write it like that, and I just gave it. myself kind of what this person's talking about. I couldn't see myself my way past certain lines or expanded routines and I really hated writing it. So the fourth show I just thought I'm not

going to write stuff down anymore and I'm just going to enjoy it. We are very similar but I think we've been taught to maybe made to feel like if we do that we're like lazy comics but I always listen back and I but I just can't I can't when I start to write out like full sentences it becomes I told you this I become like a war widow. I'm like it was a Christmas. It was a Christmas. full morning and it's like that's not a joke God what do we doing you're doing a creative writing essay for GCSE English

yeah yeah yeah yeah doing an ice steadford you're getting up and just reciting it in front of everyone it's in it on the page it was good I was very good at the ice steadford I bet you were fucking woodley festival

speech and drama like that's my fucking world have we answered Hage's questions no but we tried that best what were the questions how to stop comparing yourself to others and how do you remind yourself that you're a creative person

so you can't and you're not So just be an okay person and then be a little slightly more creative, better sharpened person when you've done the first shit draft. Acceptance, right? You're welcome. Accept yourself and then, yeah, I think this accepts that you're going to compare yourself to other people

and that doesn't make you. And that is our word of the day, except the message of Christmas. That's the message of Christmas. The message of Christmas is acceptance. That's not the message of, okay. It's accepting gifts. Even if you don't like them.

It's accepting. the age of 12 that fine it's accepting that pancake's going to die early yeah

it's oh acceptance Merry Christmas thank you for doing our stupid podcast thank you for having me

back away Merry Christmas do you want to plug anything even though oh yeah do you want to plug Bobberm special

listen to obviously everyone already listens to it but if you don't listen Lovely. If people want to go on my website, Jamesacrecustov.com and buy my special that came out earlier this year.

That would be cool. It's called Coal Lasagna, Hate Myself, 1999. And it comes from a bonus show as well if you want to buy it. Does it? Directly from my website. You bloody show all. A 40-minute B-sides. I don't know there was B-sides.

Yeah. It's made with like a drum machine. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty hyped. Yeah, it's very exciting. I'm very excited for these B-Sides. Question, can they buy it on CD? No, that would be cool though

Yeah No, it's just Just you can basically get A link Download, yeah You basically have to watch it on Vimeo Apologies But like that's the way I've done it

I've got it like that Yeah Excellent Perfect Do that Do that So we sing No

Okay What were you going to do Silent Night A Christmas song or something Why don't you sing us out there I don't know if I know The lyrics Silent Night

It's ironic that you're done Okay. Fine. Happy Christmas, Jane Zaycasta. Thank you for being here. Bye. Lelana. Hi.

Lika, nah. Thank you so much to our executive producers. I can't believe we now have three. Honestly, we're so grateful to you. Thank you to Janina Battista, Guy Goodman, and Simon Moors. Janina's new. Thank you, Janina. How exciting to have a patron of the arts.

Lady. It makes me feel very excited. I made that weird, but honestly, you're always... Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And also to our producers, Carrag Duke, Sarah and Molly the Duvee ladies. Aideon McQueen. Hey, Aegee's a comic. Thank you, Aidine. Caitlin Liss, Joe Holmes, Zoe, Kim Dovkel, or Dougal, depending on how she wants it said. Does anybody told me? No. Sorry.

Lee Myers-Cough. David Walker, Tim and Dom, Kira Leach, Richard Bich, Richard Bickick S.B. Dubs. L. Richard Bould, Sadie Cashmore, Neil Redmond, Claire Owen Jones, Rachel R, Victoria Hutchison, Jess and Nick, Emma Walton, Karen and David Bull, Anthony Conway, Harold Van Dyke. And Melissa Dunkeld. We're so grateful to all of you. So, so grateful. And thank you to everyone who's not a listed producer, but who donates on Patreon and has committed to Patreon for the £3. We're so grateful. Yes, thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.