Trusty Hogs - Ep134. Skiving, Soft Serve & Sydney Opera House

Episode Date: May 16, 2024

We convene for a final Australian record in SYDNEY! From the famous Opera House to a "poorly attended" visit to the old jail, we've been enjoying the city, its ice cream and so much more...TOUR TICKETS: www.trustyhogs.com/tourThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Annie Tonner / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew Thomas / Madeline Quinne / Grace O'Reilly / Jay SPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Hayley Worf / Aussie Steph / Jam Rainbird / Nathan Smith / Amanda M / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Hannah JWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Can't believe it. We are alone in this room. Yeah, there's no tech. Every single time we've done a podcast, there's always someone to have to, like, answer to. Yeah. Well, we either have a guest. Well, we always have a, either, we always have a technician.

We always have a producer, Andrew, or somebody to supervise us. As you know, in Melbourne, while we've been here, we had somebody. And then we all have a guest often. But today we have no guest, no tech. And honestly, it's like spooks, Phil. There's so many buttons that we could press. Through the fog, step for the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them.

Or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hog. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not Do you know what it's like is Do you remember when you were in school And there'd be that period in the morning Where your teacher wasn't going to show up

But they were Somebody had come in and said Just just relax Hang on And they'd left and they're like The fizz You could feel it They're like

Is she not going to What's going to So in my school What used to happen is I don't know about you Go on They would split the group of 32 into six

fives and two sevens obviously whatever or whatever the math is I don't remember and they would send us each to a different class right so you'd sit at the back in your row of five doing they'd be like you know some teacher would be like

colour stuff in yeah but they've got their own class to do they can't deal with these five or seven randoms and it was an absolute doss of a day it was heaven on earth they did not split us up as our school What did you do when the teaching job? So if we went in and for some reason the school admin had got confused as to whether a substitute needed to be there, you would all just sit there and go, is it happening? Is it happening?

And then the whole class would turn to those three girls. And I feel like you were one of those three girls. I was sometimes one of those three girls, depending on the subject. I don't know what you're about to say because I want to be clear I was a total loner in school. Okay. The girls who might go and tell the reception desk that we're unsupervised. There was. Because there's always that kid that's like, no, we have to let them know.

We are unsupervised. This is unsafe. I hate that you know that about me. And it was so fucking tense because I could be, if it was drama, I would be that girl. Because I loved the drama teacher. Helen, the moment there where I thought for a second, oh my God, Helen thinks I'm one of the popular girls who would decide what you do. No, God, no. Okay, well, yeah, no, of course I'd go and tell them we're unsupervised.

But we'd all like look at each other and be like, is it happening? Is it happening? But then the fear, when a teacher, it depends on the teacher, but if that certain teacher found you that would go ballistic and be like, how could you not let anyone know? Yeah, we had to miss Ryan. But then it means that you just spend the 50 minute period just in silence because you're so scared of creating noise

that anyone would find you. And then it ends up being boring. It's the same thing as if you don't go to school. What do you do? Yeah, it's true. In our small towns, everyone knows. Everyone knows if you're dossing off. Yeah.

So you can't get away with it. You're not having a good time. It's so true. We once had that for the whole. whole of GCSE Math, second year. So the whole of Year 11, age 16, our teacher. Never actually knew what happened to him. There was rumours that he had a motorbike crash,

but he was like, I don't think he did. But he just didn't, he just wasn't our teacher anymore, but there were no other maths teachers. But how many weeks? So we just did Sudoku. Sudoku. Sudoku. It's mad you did it for a whole term. We never said it out of wow. We were just saying that.

And that was what we did. We just did Sudoku, Sudoku. Sudoku. But we're not Japanese. Catherine, we don't actually know. And we would just put the numbers in the box. I got so good at it. I believe it. And I got a GCSE and maths. I think I got a B.

Sick. I learnt my Sokatoa. That's what I did. Soccer. You know, like to like do the triangle sides. Education's better in the UK. Welcome to trusty hogs. My name's Helen Bauer. I'm Catherine Bowhart. It has not taken us that long time. Welcome

them to the show. We're comedians. We're comedians. It's the show about our perfect lives. and then we have listening problems and we help them and oh my gosh last night I know this is going to sound implausible

but somebody at the Sydney Comedy Festival booked us both to play a mixed bill at I can't believe if I was saying this out loud the Sydney Opera House to sing

no it wasn't the thing where we both did comedy sets to a full room and it went and I can't believe I'm saying this either well

we kill we never like to kill right you have to understand when you're a comedian and you get booked on a gala sometimes and they sell out in advance gala and the lineups were embargoed so no one knows who they're going to go see and like they don't think it's going to be us that's the thing it's the same as like live of the apollo right you go to watch live at the apollo recording but you don't know who's going to be on it but you're not hoping it's those podcasters oh whenever whenever someone walks out my parents saw me do apollo and my mom the first thing she mentioned me was like oh the people in front were so disappointed like I came out and they went who the fuck that? Thank you Anne

thank you Anne thank you Anne keep me humble the Sydney Opera House there was a gala there and like I didn't think I was booked on it I knew you were booked on it turns out I was booked on it as well but just didn't know or hadn't checked

it was insane deranged I was so nervous I was petrified and then Felicity Awards are the nicest thing beforehand which is your job's to have fun your job is actually to have fun you're supposed to go out there and have fun and then I was like okay take a breath. It was Anzac Day as well, but I think it's like Australian Paddy's Day, because

like they drink and they gamble on the street, but they still have snakes, so it's confusing. I don't know what it's about. I get it because of the driving out of the snakes from Ireland on St Patrick's Day. There we go. It's good stuff. It's good stuff. I still don't fully understand what it is. It's something to do with the Galapalies, maybe. And a biscuit. Yeah. There's definitely a biscuit called Anzac Day. And everyone gambles. Two up. That cannot be an actual holiday. A gambling holiday? Yeah, there were just like, so people stand in circles around a man with a, like, stick, and the stick has two coins on it. They flip the stick. If it turns, you gamble on whether or not you think it's going to be heads or tails, and then everyone screams aggressively. And for

some inexplicable reason, Messina was closed till two. What? Tell everyone about Messina. Oh my God, tell them, tell them. Messina, sorry, we, I love how we don't even. The Australian hog is going to be like, we're so over this. We get it. This is an ice cream show. We saw a bird. We are. We saw Cockatoo. I still haven't seen a cockatoo. Catherine's seen like 20. You've got to go to the botanical because it's so simple. They're all there, my love. I was just busy having a really productive day yesterday, staying in my hotel room

until my show. The degrees to which I've done absolutely nothing here is so disappointing. Well anyway, so the Messina, it's an ice cream parlor. Every flavor is phenomenal. They also have constant specials. I got one of the Anzac specials yesterday. It was called Dulce

de Legends, which is unfortunate, but it is, Dolce de Lcee was coffee ice cream. What the fuck? Also all of the ice cream texture here is so good because sometimes when you go to like hot countries they're so rock hard because they don't want them to but here it's like soft serve almost. It's gelato. It's fucking amazing. It's so good. The day before I had pistachio praline. Yes. Thousands of full pistachios in this ice cream. Are you fucking kidding me? The day before

I had my most basic bitch choice which was like a white chocolate gelato which is a shame but then it was filled with fudge and peanut brittle. So Hello, hello. It's a nightmare if you're allowed you to nuts, I'd say that. Oh yeah, the macadamia crunch is heaven now that you say it. Oh my God. So it's like, and I'm being really brave. I'm having a different flavour every day, which is hard right.

Because when you hit on a corker, you're like, well, I want to have this every day. But you also don't want to miss the opportunity of diversity of the tongue. This is the thing. I get it, I get it. When we went the other day to get ice cream after the jail, we should talk about that as well, actually. Oh, we went to, oh, no, I can't. I can't with you. I know what you're going to say.

We went to the jail in Melbourne. It was so good. It was very dark and very upsetting. And Helen, within seconds, was like, I've been here before. I can feel it. I want to give this so much context. We'd been in Melbourne for nearly a month doing solo shows every single day

and every single comic had got weird. Everyone was broken. I maintain the weirdness. I'm broken. You're still, yeah, you've actually kept it going. I really haven't had a good mental time. But that's fine. I'm having a different ice cream.

Every day. And you've been having lovely breakfast with Little Helen, haven't you? Yes, because when I was mentally unwell, you came to my house and were served brunch every day. I know how, you know, some friends, they feel better by hosting. So I went, Catherine, don't worry that you're struggling mentally. I will be at yours every morning, ready for breakfast. And then you would kick off if I tried to give you a smoothie. That was once, and I wanted eggs, and I was promised.

And you got eggs? No, I didn't that day, actually. I got a bagel with avocado on it and a macerated tomato yes and it was very good actually but it wasn't what I was expecting but I'm okay because you're struggling mentally but every comedian has gone so weird

and it was like the last couple days in Melbourne and then like our big group WhatsApp thing had just slowed down right like in the first couple of weeks every single day there was a brunch happening there was something happening someone was going somewhere someone's going swimming it was just crazy crazy crazy and then all of us were like

oh god do we want to hang out with each other does anyone want to hang out with each other and we also got to the point we're like no let's just wave at each other on the street the thing is like it's you would never in London see your friends every single day so it's absolutely bad shit to try to do it in a different country because like fundamentally

well I certainly am like an introverted extrovert for want of better words is that like no that's a genuine thing yeah it was like okay like yes I love to hang out but I also need a lot of time just by myself and also

I'm like, when's everyone getting their work done? Like, I, it's not, but the thing is, I keep seeing my emails go up and up and up and up. And I, honestly, I'm like, it's like, English Catherine does not exist. I keep being like, wow, that girl's busy. Do you just say English Catherine?

Like England's, like England. Oh my God, English Catherine. Edit it out, edit out, edit out, edit. Ah! The thing is when the group started. Edit it out, Andrew. No, that is 100% staying in. No, as in like, Catherine who lives in England,

the English one, the English one, no. No, de pronerm, oh my year To pronom I'm sorry in Irish Yeah, and in Norira Seriously the pronom Oh, fuck That's Spanish, I learnt that in Mexico

Oh my god, that's hell I actually, I'm full body sweating That's made me so sad that I said that This will make you even sadder And by the time everyone stopped Wanted to hang out with everyone I started wanting to hang out with everyone I am so offbeat with everyone

It was because I got there And I was like I've got work to do I'm going to do this I was like missing out on loads of the hangs I was like I'm going to do this I'm going to do this and chill I don't want to be in the group and then all of a sudden

I wanted the group hangs and everyone checked out so then I put in the group and it was my first big suggestion in the big group and this is a group of like 20 something people right oh we're still telling the jail story yeah god we take our time though we

because I feel like people need to understand how dehumanizing it is to put yourself out there in a big group Helen what do we think we might have overused the word dehumanize there I don't think so okay go on because I lost my sense of self behave

I was like, who wants to come to the old Melbourne jail, which is a jail from, do you want to say 1800s? I can't remember the signs I read now. Long time ago. Really awful thing. And I thought everyone would be so game for it because I'd already garnered some interest from people on like solo in chats. No one came.

That's not true. I came. You came because you felt bad for me. No, I came because this is so annoying. I said I would come. I showed up. First of all, you kept saying no one's here. No one's.

coming, no one's come. And I'm like, I've been here the whole time. It's like, I don't count you as a human. No one's here. And Catherine's like, I'm here. Speaking of dehumanizing. Yeah, but no, you don't count. You don't count.

You're not one of the cool kids that I invited. And then Catherine comes up the road being like, hello. And I'm like, I'm all alone. Literally, she said, I can't believe I have to do this by myself. To my face when I'd arrived. I was like, it was the most haunting thing. It was really spooky. I didn't.

It was so, there was like, because you had to walk down the jail. cells and like you can't see what's inside them until you're outside them and there was one that just have like a dummy in it with a noose around its neck it was very spooky haunting there's some things where you're like who curated this and do they have any sense of empathy like there was no sensitivity with it I'd say a very brutal and like I loved it I love kids I love watching kids because they're psychopaths like kids will storm in in their pairs and be like just looking at a torture your device like, oh, I'm bored. And you're like, fucking hell. Or they're like eating. They're eating, reading stuff. And you're like, fuck me. But that was me as a kid. I was taken to these

places as a child. I think we think we're educating them, but actually we're just desensitizing them to horror. It was honestly horrible. I was so, I ended so upsetting. We only lasted 30 minutes because we both got the sputes. And you tried to scare me twice, which was inappropriate. I did. I was so frightened. I tried to do jump scares. The stairs, it was very spooky. I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. The one where there was just a rope hanging from a thing and I was like, what happened here? The torture devices were they were just like, oh my God. It was just, it was horrible. And then obviously it was like an entire history of Irish people as well, which I was like, so many Irish people of which I am one. I'm an Irish person. Yeah, me too. No, I actually am. I've been over four times. Over four times like five. I think so. I would have to count. I'd have to count. I'd have to count. It was crazy, wasn't it? And then we finished Melbourne, arrived in Sydney,

immediately the weather is so much better and everyone gets a new lease of life. Well, I will say the weather is infinitely better. And I, what's your preferred city? It's Sydney. Me too. But I feel like I said that a couple of times in Melbourne. Like, I mean, I said it to you,

I cannot wait to get to Sydney. But like, the people in Melbourne are so not up for that conversation. No, everyone's so mad at me when I say I prefer Sydney, which is not. And I want to be clear, I adore Melbourne. Like, it's a beautiful city. Fitzroy is absolutely exclusive. Brunswick, stunning. But that's all, that's what all of Sydney's like. And also it's like, you're on the beach and you're in this city. What? I think that's the thing. There's so much nature here. Yeah. And there's like more different areas. And also where they put the comics who are international, who are coming over to play Melbourne Comedy Festival, you're all in the CBD.

So you're like very much surrounded at all points. By very, very high buildings. By one of which I was on the 28th floor of. Yeah, it's very like sort of oppressive and quite like corporate. Whereas certainly the way that, so it probably just is the way it falls. But the beaches here are just like nothing I've ever experienced. For a city, it's crazy. Yeah, I just, I love Sydney.

I love it, love it, love it. We did like the best thing on the first day. Oh, we walked, oh, we walked Bondi to Coogee led by. by our tour guide Olga Koch who... Shout out Olga Cox. Shout out. She organised that really good

and she didn't put it in the group. She messaged people individually which is so much more classy. She really wrangled the gang and it was very impressive and we had a gorgeous time. Every nook was a beach. Incredible.

You walk around this cliff front and everywhere you stop is another more beautiful beach than you've ever seen in your life and it was just divine and then I had a beautiful brunch of griddled peaches and barata on an avocado foam with edible flowers. What?

What? It looked in. I had super greens. It was like eight dollars. It's insanely nice. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it.

That was my favorite day. Swimming in the sea is just like, I honestly think like, I know, sorry to your basic bitch, but like does help the soul. I'm sorry, it actually refreshes your heart. It really does. It does. Can we be the first to say it? Can we talk about this?

Getting in the sea and the sun is good for you. Can we be, can we, can we, can we, you know what, I'm putting myself on a limb. Go to a beach and relax. Even though we like, so we did the walk, we'll walk and we got ourselves super hot and sweaty. Because some of it, the stairs were ridiculous. Yeah, I agree.

And I was so, you're furious. Fucking happy to be with some people whose fitness levels weren't that high. Because the first time I was in Sydney last year, okay, me and Chloe pets were really like hauling ourselves up, leg by leg, some of those stairs. and like I said to Chloe I was like yeah it's really tough doing these sort of walks

after a month long festival and Chloe was like it's not the this is just you don't use an excuse of like this would be horrible either way and I was like they fair fucking play actually I absolutely loved it I was obviously out the front holding the flag with Olga and we were like You were sweaty! Yeah but I love that okay I

there's a number of stairs where you feel like you've got something from it and there's a number where it's just taking the piss particularly when you you know, I don't mind if I'm getting somewhere, but when you know the next bit is a down to then do more stairs, it just feels like a slap in the face for all the fat women out there. I absolutely loved it. I loved it so much. I really adored it. I'm sorry to say it. I really got an endorphins cake.

The views are beautiful. I absolutely adored it. You didn't like changing in your swimming costume? Oh, obviously not. It's a public bathroom. I hated it. Helen very sweetly came in and didn't panic when I started to put down a bed of tissues because I can't touch the floor. Anyway, that was rude of you to bring up. What I'll say is this, we get into the warder and on the Sydney beach front basically like all the waves break at this point and you have to get past it to be able to swim because the waves break very close obviously and so if they're really, really, really strong. So you have to just swim out a little past that and then you can have a gorgeous time.

But trying to get past that point of breaking is quite tricky because they're pretty constant. And I go in and instantly get fucking floored by this wave. And like fully like a child in a tumble. like honestly absolutely it hurt my neck it took me so much i genuinely for three days i had to do stretch my neck it was absolutely excuse i honestly i felt like i'd been rammed in the back like i was like what the fuck my my head went flying back and helen obviously laughed and laughed and laughed because she's such a good friend then she was fine oh no i was fine and then what's funny is you know when you watch someone's eyes be like fucking that's not going to happen to me

and in she came for instant karma oh my god but i genuinely I thought, I am double your height and double your width. I was like, there's no way it can take me. They're so strong. You got taken out by that one for a second time. Of course I did. But it was such a pleasure to watch you go down with me. Fuck, it was gorgeous.

I was like, yeah, baby, that's karma. The worst thing is it was the first time in, like, I've ever been like, I'm not getting my hair wet. I was like, I'm going to go in the water, but I'm not going to go under because I've washed my hair. I've got a show tonight. I don't want to go through all that. Immediately straight under, roly-poly, roly, roly. But what a beach! What a beach! Could you?

Yeah, well, wow, wow, well. I still want to take you to Milk Beach. I don't think I love time. Tomorrow we're going to a harbour pool. But not the icebergs, not Bondi Icebergs pool. I don't know. I just do what I'm told. No, you're just going with the flow. I don't know. I'm going wherever people said we're going.

I'll just go with you. Okay, great. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. God, Sydney's so much more of a better city. God, I fucking love it here. Fuck it. Sorry to say it. Also, like, it's... It's warmer. The food is also great

and I know everyone's obsessed with the food in Melbourne but the food is also good here. Totties? I went for Italian food. What's Totties? Oh my God. Oh, is that where you went the first night?

Fucking hell the Italian food there was outrageous. Wood-fired bread, Jesus. Anyway, sorry, we're just bragging now. I've gone off the fancy food here. I feel like I've had too many nice meals. I went to a porto twice already. What's a porto? It's like, it's like Nando's meets KFC.

What do you mean you've gone off the fancy food? All you ate was like fucking, like pies out of the corner shop out of the 7-Eleven and every time I saw you, you'd been to a 7-Eleven for a pie or you'd been to Hungry Jaxe. Hungry Jax is so good. What fancy food have you got off?

Have you had a Hungry Jax yet? No, because we're in fucking Australia. Yeah, exactly. We're in Australia. No, behavioural. Where else do they have a hungry Jax? Behave yourself. It was, holy shit. Okay, well I feel like I went for a couple of like very nice sit-down meals. And you're sick of it.

I'm sick of it. You're sick of sitting. You want to stand while you, eat food you could get in the UK. We're going for a nice laxer after this, which I'm excited about. We are going for a lax. Did you go for dinner the other night after you dropped me off my hotel when I had my meeting?

I went to Hungry Box, which sounds bad but was phenomenal. Thai street food. Amazing food. What'd you get? Really delicious. Chive pancakes, which were astounding. Soft shell crab, beautiful. Stop.

And a prawn, like, padsy you. Don't mind if we do. Padcyu, what's that? It's like, it's fried noodles. in a delicious saucy something rather heaven on earth and it's like a wet pad tie I don't know that's a terrible

a wet pad that makes sense thicker noodles oh yum and we we way overordered we got something else that was outrageously good dumplings great time I've had a lot of dumplings since I've been here the problem is I'm never hungry here because I don't wait long enough between meals

so I feel like I've been full since we got here come here to me no we've talked talked about Opera House. We've covered Coogee to Bondi, Bondi to Coogey. Are there, you're off to Brisbane. Brisbane. Brisbane.

I'm ready. Are you excited? Yeah. Because you know I need to leave this city because I love Sydney, but where I'm... Are we going to talk about it? I think we have to. I think it's time. Okay, we've been sort of... The reason I asked Helen, I was like, we will eventually run out of time and she has to talk about what's actually

happening, but she's avoiding. I can see that. I'm... Helen, you were... Now, I want to give context. You were... I promised it wouldn't happen, but... If you have not listened to an episode of our podcast called Stairwell of Shame, which episode is it? Do you remember? I feel like you always know. I used to remember, but I think it's like maybe 87, but I could be wrong.

Something, whatever a year ago from today is. Yeah, when Helen... So, if you... Short version, Helen pissed herself in a stairwell of a hotel that you were staying in. Naked while sleepwalking out of their room. Woke up doing it. It was fully naked, got downstairs, realized the only way out of the situation was to walk into the street,

which I've now seen which is in a tremendously busy street and had to buzz on the door and be left back anyway. She was promised. Promised in an email she would not be put back in that same hotel. And face to face.

And face to face from everyone in the company. To the point where it was a joke at my venue in Melbourne. They're like, we won't put Helen in... She's not going back to that hotel. We won't put her in the hotel that she was naked in, pissing naked in alone and a stairwell

and had to get the staff to come and walk her back up. I went to visit the hotel because I wanted to see the stairwell. It was very easy to visit the hotel though because... I'm staying there. And I...

But to the point where I could not believe... I landed in Sydney and I went to the other hotel that the other comedians are in. I went to the hotel that you're in. And I was like, reservation for Helen Bauer and I was with Olga Koch and they were like, no.

And I was like, maybe a reservation for Olga Koch. And they were like, no. And I was like, went through every name of every single person that possibly could. I would have booked it, like British agent, like my mom, like any name. And they were like, no, no, no, no. So I call our producer here and she's like, no, you're in, you're in Newtown. I was like, you've got to be fucking joking me.

It's absolutely horrific. Took an Uber over there. I was sweating. And yeah, there's a good chance they don't work there anymore. But I feel like it was such an incident. Surely they have your picture on a wall. There's no way. I have never checked in before.

I felt like Julia Roberts in Notting Hill. I had sunglasses on. Yeah. I had my head down. Preservation for Pokemon, please. Like, Deans and they gave it to me. I went in the lift. I was on the same floor.

In fact, I'm still there. I'm on the same floor. I walked past the room that I originally left, went past the staircase, went to my room, and I was sitting and going, okay, you're okay, you're okay, you're okay. They don't know. Ten minutes later, I'm sitting in my room. I'm unpacking.

and a knock at the door happens and I was like Oh God, is it the young boy? No. I was just like, who the fuck is this? Who the fuck is this? And I was like, Olga wouldn't do this, Olga wouldn't do this to me.

She wouldn't just knock on my door. She'd know that I'd freak out. And then it knocks again. And I was like, oh, one second. And I can't see. You're not naked. I open the door and it's just like a young man from the reception desk, not the same one.

Okay. And he's holding a box, like a pink box. And I was like, uh, adult diapers. And he was like, these, these were them just delivered for you. you and I was like oh thank you so much and I grabbed it and then closed the door adult lapis and it was no it was donuts

from the production company to say like lol you're in the same hotel but I was like God it happened if they've like got me on a register and they've brought me something to be like we know we know and then I decided to walk down the staircase and then

because it's in my show all the Kiwi comics are sending me pictures of them in the stairwell okay so I did do a photo shoot in the stairwell too and I will post that obviously but can I just say the stairwell was much spookier than I expected. It's, I don't, I asked you because I was like, what did you think it would look like?

I thought it would look quite clinical and quite like, bright and, uh, very like, like, hotel-y. Like, you would think in like a holiday inn. It's a fire escape. It's a fire escape and it's like a concrete. Everything's concrete and metal. And it's very austere. And you can hear dogs barking somehow on every floor. It is really spooky.

Just quickly for that dog thing. Is this yesterday when you came to my hotel? and then we could hear dogs, like, barking repeatedly in the lift. Yeah, I had a video off at my phone of dogs. And it was just in my pocket playing out loud. That's what I was. I thought it was playing on a weird loop. It sounded like there was a dog in the lift with it.

I said, it's not a dog. And I was like, as long as a doggy video, I must have been playing the whole time I was walking down the street. I feel like every time I hang out with you, I'm being punked. I'm just like, oh my God, that's horrific. That's so funny. Okay, that's ridiculous. Well, anyway, in my head, it'll always have dogs barking

because apparently Helen was playing. that as the soundtrack. Oh my God. It's really upsetting. It's like going to the sight of something so it's weird because like I can still smell the piss. I thought in my head I was like I assumed I would be able to. So you're bowercading as you say.

I'm bow-ocading. Tell us more. When I go to sleep in a hotel room now, I bow-a-kade the door. Usually I use a suitcase but here I've been using a full chair, full metal chair. I think it's for the best. because... It can't happen again the same hotel.

It can't happen. It can't... It can't happen and not happen to be ever again. Obviously ideally never ever again but if it must be anywhere it cannot be there.

It cannot be there. And I just want to like I feel like I love Sydney I love the city like the gigs here is so much fun we've got to do the opera house that's so cool but I think it would be good for me

to get to Brisbane and go to an Airbnb and then do you know that I'm going on an Australian holiday for like three days. What? Now where? Yeah yeah.

Because I was like I've got Per. as well but they were like do you want to do like what do you want to do you want to do to go to Sydney and do some gigs or like and I was like oh can I take a can I take a break please I love treating myself we've worked for six weeks straight at that point I'm going to the middle of nowhere to go stay with one of my cousins it's like it's like to the point where I've shown Australians the address and they've been like no I fucking Chloe where there is might I didn't know this it's so my cousin Hannah hi Hannah hi Hannah hi Hannah Hannah and her boyfriend

Travis they live out in like the bush like literally the bush they send videos to our family WhatsApp group of just like snake wrangling on their property but they've built this place up from scratch and it looks insane like guest rooms they've got a hot tub like it's incredible and she's basically going to take me straight from my show in Brisbane

on the Sunday night to her and Traves place and I'm going to stay there for a couple of nights and they're going to take me to the airport to fly to Perth but I am so excited she's already like been messaging me being like what do you want to drink she works in like a local bottle shop This is amazing.

So she's going to get in all this wine because I haven't been that drunk at the festival in general. I had two glasses of wine last night after the opera festival. There's too much anxiety here naturally. Don't need to be adding in wine. You know what I mean?

From the girl who you left the stage last night at the opera house, I walked on past you because we were right after each other. Catherine did her before I walked on. I was like, baby, I'm doing a job. I went on and within five minutes

of me walking off, she had two glasses of wine in her hand handing me one. I don't even know how you got the wine that fast. I immediately went downstairs and I was like, I need a glass of red wine for Helen when she comes off stage and I went back upstairs. That is epic. Thank you. I love you so much. I feel like there's no point in us having this like marital life together if we don't at least occasionally treat each other. I was like she's going to want a red wine. I knew the wine would run out and it did. I just don't have a glass of wine I had but I was like, I'm making sure she gets off. If you come off the Sydney Opera House, somebody should hand you a drink. Someone should fucking hand you a drink and they did. It's going to. It's going to. be me and then we um oh my god back to the opera house we also had to go on at the end to a curtain

call yes we were on with i'm vigo ben everyone knows vigo ben if you don't you have to watch him on youtube he's amazing there's this britain's got talent audition that is the funniest most epic thing of all time you'll know the video because he's got hiver's vest in it yes he was doing the opera house and we all had to go on and do the encore but it was decided that we'd all wear hivers jet like vests and do his bit yeah which is like dancing to one more time and i got nervous and stayed at the back of the stage i looked up katherine bowhart was running along the front of the stage of the opera house waving a high vis vest almost high-fiving strangers that she doesn't know if they've washed their hands i was like katherine is in delirium i love it when we body swap well

what happens is what happened is i didn't want to do it obviously i don't like being embarrassed i don't like cringing. I don't like dancing. I don't like to be seen. I know it's really weird and confusing because this is my job. But like I was like there's to me going on that stage without a microphone to dance was like jumping out of a plane. Yeah. But I just let it take me. I was like if I'm doing this, I'm not standing at the back looking awkward. Like I just can't. Like that is my whole life. I have so many memories of my life of being like, why didn't I just have a fucking, I don't just have a laugh. You went for it. Losen up. And so I just honestly, it's like my that part of my brain was like fucking just go for it

and then I went for it like too hard other people were also going for it really really hard I was sort of like I was doing it then I was watching Catherine so I couldn't like focus I was so glad that you noticed because I honestly like part of my brain was like I'm doing this I was so annoyed I had my phone in my hand before we went on and I was going to film it and then I was like no I want to just enjoy it

I don't want to be filming this moment and then I was like fuck I should have had my phone in my hand just to capture you losing your fucking mind. Maybe one of the few moments in my life I actually lived in the present for approximately 37 seconds. And we loved it. And we love to see it. Do you know something? It's so funny that you said that the shows here have been really good because I had the worst gig of my life last night.

Okay, we both had a bad show yesterday, but the gigs are great. Oh, the gigs have been so fun. My show was, I was horrified because there was, like, definitely hogs in and they watched me die for an hour. It was horrific. Do you think you actually, I'm not denying it? Yes. But like, what we register is a death. No, but then I saw

on your Instagram story someone shared it saying they loved it. But that's inexplicable to be and even if that's the case, then like shame on them because no one let me know I was having a nice time. By which I mean like, I played to silence. They did not

smile. They did not laugh. No one did. It was honestly silence. It was awkward. I was uncomfortable. I was sweating full body. I like gave up so many times and I was like, no, come on, try. But I was it was so demoralizing and these two drunk girls

talked all the way through it and it was a really small crowd so like they really dominated the space having come in late left the door open I had to get off the stage to close the door like all those kind of like no momentum whatsoever it was Anzac Day so people were like obviously like fucked or exhausted or whatever

and so bad was the vibe so little energy had I gotten in this room hell I was trying so hard I know you did that when the blackout happened at the end of the show I don't know. Had these people never been to a theatre before? They never been to a comedy show before. They usually like, that's people

know the show's ending, so they clap. One person dropped their drink out of shock and everyone else went, oh, somebody else went, the lights, the lights! Somebody else went, oh my God, like they thought it was a mistake. Are you joking? I'm not joking. I did not know this.

The lights come up. The show ends after an hour, the lights come down, and they went, what's happening? They went, oh my God, what's happening? The lights, oh no, somebody drops their drink. No one claps, it comes up and I have to go, that's the end of the show. And they're like, just a massive shout out for anyone that came to see our solo shows on the 25th of, what is it, May, April, fucking hell.

25th of April. The longest mother you ever did. 2024 in Sydney, because I did not have a good one. I had my worst one of Australia so far last night. Yeah, and I'm going to say it now that we're leaving, I really can say, like, I've never witnessed the kind of transparent sexism that I've had in my audiences here. I chatted about that with Olga this morning at breakfast. Yeah, it's like being astonishing to me.

Like, astonishing to me. It's just, I've never had so little trust, so much irritation for male audience members and, like, so much rudeness, interruption, patronising. And I honestly, I'm just like, I have loved seeing the Australian hogs. I've loved being here. I'll definitely come back.

I don't mean to moan, but I'm like, fuck. like it's and this maybe I think it's less of a moment and more of a shout out to all the women that live and work in Australia I'm like fair box to you

because Jesus Christ it's exhausting yeah it's disheartening when you go out on stage and you feel like some people are already like you've got to be fucking joking

yeah no yeah and you're like why have you come my guys why have you come yeah it's so tricky

isn't it yeah did I tell you that a woman did I already say it on the podcast that a woman messaging me after her husband was so vile to me and... Yeah, you told me. I don't know whether it was on the podcast. To be like, sorry about

my husband. He liked most of your show, but he was in a bad movie for it. And I was like, imagine having to send this message on your husband's behalf. Right. As if I give a shit if you liked most of my show or not. I don't. Like, I'd like him to not be rude to me at my workplace. I'm not like interrupt my work. But other than that, I don't care

if you liked it or not, it's a no refunds policy. But I'm mostly just like imagine, if you are a person who finds yourself writing messages to apologize for your husband, on the on the reg don't bother and just start packing a bag babe just stop packing that bag just start packing that bag oh we should do advice oh my god we're in a real advicey vibe aren't we that was literally it wait do you have an update first i actually do have an update you do an update and then i'll do a problem thank you so much for asking yes i do and yes i will okay so here's the

update go back to school deliciously with whole foods market wake up with low price 365 by Whole Foods Market Protein Waffles and Breakfast Burritos. Prep lunch boxes quickly with 365 brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit and more. And look for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken

breasts that make meal prep a breeze. Shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market in store and online. Dear Hogs, I'm here with an update on a problem you heard long ago. Yes. The one where my boyfriend and let his insecurities ruin the relationship

when he went through my phone, exactly. Firstly, let me say your advice was amazing to listen to. You gave me the following options and I can honestly say I consider them all. One, dump him. Two, fake my own death. Three, ruin his life and turn his family against him. Fake his own death.

Yeah, it's a good one. It's a good one. However, at the time of listening, nearly two years ago now, I made the unwise decision to ignore your advice. Oh. I stuck out the relationship for another 1.5 years where I had to learn things the hard way. It was a complete disaster.

Mental health went down the drain. I lost many friends and my perception of a healthy relationship was skewed. Can we just interrupt as it be like we've all been there? We've all had the advice and gone I'm not going to do that

because I love this person. Also sometimes you do have to learn the hard way. It's like I'm putting a pencil in your leg. Huh? You know when you're at school and you've got those pencils that you used to like click out the lead and then you push it down on your skin

to sort of make it go back in and pretend you're like injecting yourself because that's fun as a kid and they're like don't do it, don't do it. You'll get lead in your skin and now I've got a little bit of lead in my knee and it's always there a little grey spot.

Right. Fast forward to present day. You know, you're like, that's not really. I feel like we don't have many shared experience. Yeah. Remember that substitute teacher chat at the beginning? Yeah, that was good, that was good, that was a cross over there. After months of mental preparation,

I did the one thing I most feared and dumped him to face this world alone. It was only then I realized how alone I already was. Yes, babe. And so the healing began. Yes. It's funny, isn't it, when you realize you were alone, in a relationship. Using a collection

of advice over many trusty hog episodes, I've made new friends learned to love myself and found confidence I never thought was possible. Oh my god this is so nice. Stop it. Oh my God. Helen! I'm about to read my favorite sentence I've ever read in an email. Go.

I joined a sports team. It happened. Somebody took my advice. It happened. I joined a sports team. Dumped the people pleaser attitude. Stop. And prioritized myself. I'm the happy. and healthiest I've ever been and I'm grateful to this podcast

for being around every step of the way. Oh my God. From Helen's chaotic solutions to Catherine's logical thinking. What? What is that supposed to me? You two are a joyful escape from the hustle of life

and are helping others more than you realize. Oh, we're going to get so emotional. Thank you for your hogglicious advice. W. W. W. You know what?

What? Congrats on your sports team. congrats on your singlehood and congrats on being able to love yourself and put yourself out of that. W, I want to know what kind of sport. How often are you seeing them? How has it helped you?

Prove my point. Do you get so jealous as well when someone's like, and I've dropped my people pleasing attitude and we're like, good for you. We'll get that. That's amazing. We should definitely get around to that.

If you want us to, when would you like me to do it? You know, the sports team, I want to know which sports team you join. I want to know what our gang sport is as hogs. Because we keep saying footballs assuming everyone's queer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I do think there's a netball team out there for us. I, yeah, maybe, listen, maybe. For the straight girls, yeah, why not? I hope so. Or hockey, sometimes straight girls play hockey. You know, when you, on one of those Instagram algorithms where it's showing you, like, girls just doing wholesome things.

Oh. I saw a couple, for like ones around the UK, I'm sure that everywhere in the world where it's like meetup, silent reading. There's a meetup walk in Hackney. I've seen that. It's called Lonely Girls Club. Yes! Check it out. Check it out. It looks awesome.

And you just meet up loads of people who don't have many friends in the city or wherever you are. And they're trying to make friends. That's the whole intent of it. But you just walk. It's not running. It's not jogging. It's just like walking and chatting and you go get a coffee with someone at the end if you want. And then there's another one. If you're like super introverted but still want to like put yourself out there and challenge yourself, you can just sit in like a library with a group of people and you just read your own books. This is phenomenal. Isn't that the best meet you ever? I love that so much. Two massive introverts and they're both reading

what's a classic book? The worst witch. Huh? The worst witch. Okay so they're 12. Oh my god I really want to read the worst witch again. I've not thought about behind ages.

Every now and again I just have such a hankering to read like a classic. I'm trying to imagine a world in which you would let us meet up and sit beside each other and I loved that book and just read a book

but actually it would like immediately become a performance you would be reading it to me. Are you kidding? I'm so good at working quietly next to you. Working yes but if we were reading the same book, you'd want to read it to each other, or you'd want to read it to me.

I do a wonderful dawn, moonshine. See, there you go. See, see, see. Mildred Hubble. Oh, my God, we got to read that book I missed it. Do you reckon they have it in bookshops in Australia? Let's find out. Let's find out.

You know, there's a book shop by my hotel. We could go there on the way to get that. I'm so dead. I actually need to look for another book, so that's perfect. Do you, I've nearly finished mine. I can give you mine. Oh, it's a different one I want to read about the culture of prize giving. You don't want to read Duckfe?

I do want to read Duckfeet. Shout out to the Leith Press book company, by the way. I got given a book by some hoggies in Edinburgh, and it's fucking wonderful. It's a small publication company, and it's a beautiful coming-of-age story. I love it so, so dearly. Everybody read Duckfeet.

That's awesome. Yeah, if you want to read, like, a really beautiful, insanely well-observed, it sort of follows from, like, I think, like, 13 to 17, but it's just, oh, it's the same feels I got when I watched 8th grade. for the first time. Really? Yeah, just like so like painful, beautiful. Gorgeous.

Oh my God, all the feels. Okay. Worst witch. But then, right, so this is the Meku, going back to what I was saying before. You know we're supposed to be doing a problem. We're going to get that. Right.

And they're reading the worst witch and then you look up and you realize someone else is reading the worst witch and then you look at their fingers and they've got no rings and you go, it's on and they go, it's on. And then you go and make a potion together and live happily ever after.

That is beautiful. That's beautiful. Right. But you're not children. children, obviously. Yeah, what? That'd be wild. No, well, children do fall in love.

I was in love with Thomas Llewellyn. Right. From infant school, Helen Llewellyn. That's going to be my name. Helen Llewellyn. That's ridiculous. Shout out Thomas Llewellyn, if you're listening. You're a great boy, and I had a lovely time growing up with you.

Oh, my God, that is a beautiful, me, cute. Imagine he messages and is like... Who was in the Ambao's called a drama. Imagine he messages and... Oh, so he's gay. Okay. I bet he's married now. To a man.

Yeah, 100%. I don't know if he was gay You loved him and he was in drama school Well the Anne Bauer's school of drama Yeah you're right actually Okay This is this is Have I got the right one

This is from N Yes this is the right one Hello N Hi N Hi Huggs long time listener Since episode one Whoa That is impressive

It's so weird that we've got people Joining the podcast now And starting to listen I know hi welcome Let us know as well Do you just start on the week That you start on Or do you then go back

And we must know. Are you joining Patreon and listening to all the free X or 134 episodes? What do you want to do? Let us know. I know people are behind because every now and again I'll get a message being like, oh, so sad about pancake. And I'm like, well, that was, we really, that. I mean, that's, that's bones by now.

Yeah. Sorry, Marianne. No, she doesn't listen. Yeah. Okay. Hi, Hoggs. Long time listening is episode one. Second time problem have her.

And I'm coming to you guys with the exact sort of dilemma where IRL advice isn't just cutting it. Just isn't cutting it. Okay, got you. I'm a nervous person, so not incredible at confrontation, but there's a situation at my job that's making me feel a bit uncomfortable. You're going to be great at this. I love a workplace drama.

I'm awful of workplace dramas. Here's the deal. I try my best to fit in and be a good friend to all my co-workers, but I have an anxiety disorder, and this disposition makes me come across kind of weird when in social situations. I pretend to be a child. I also have very unconventional and intense interests

and feel a bit left out from mainstream pop culture. which makes watercool a chat pretty difficult. N, I get it. Not everyone wants to talk about whichever dictator you're fascinated by that much. What Pokemon Go? No people do you want to hear about Pokemon Go. They walk away but only because they want to go and download it. Which makes water cooler chat pretty difficult.

I think it is because of these things that my co-workers have decided I am neurodivergent. Now, I don't know if I am. okay it is definitely plausible and i would not object to a diagnosis if one came my way the problem is that every time i do something that makes me feel awkward or embarrassed at my job instead of it being brushed off or treated like a regular faux par my co-workers have started inciting my supposed neurodivergence as an explanation for my behavior instead of being treated like a regular person with my own individual quirks regular person i think would just take in quotation marks that um i feel like everybody is blaming my mistakes or awkwardness on a condition that I'm not even sure I have.

It's making me feel like they think that there is something wrong with me, causing me to make mistakes and stick out like a sore thumb. I understand it is probably well-meaning, and it's their way of trying to make me feel supported and recognized, but I have made it clear already that I don't know if I am neurodivergent or not. And I don't know why they have decided I am. Is it unreasonable for me to feel strange about this? What should I do? Thanks for any help you guys can give N. It's not unreasonable. That's completely unacceptable.

It's so reasonable. It's completely unacceptable. I've actually, my stomach turned, listening to that. I'm so angry on your behalf. First of all, let's play this out. You're not neurodivergent, and they've used neurodivergent to explain exclusively negative things, so they've assumed it's pejorative.

And they are labeling people without diagnoses, all of which are completely inappropriate, cruel things to do in any setting, but particularly unprofessional. You are neurodivergent. They've made you feel completely excluded, completely different, and as though that is a hindrance to your work rather than a different way of working. Also, completely unprofessional. It is so not okay. The fact that you've said that you're not, you don't necessarily have a diagnosis. Also, it's so private. It's none of their business unless you wish it to be, unless you disclose it and wish it to be considered in a specific way. which would mean that it has benefits to your working style

and hinges like anybody else's strengths and weaknesses, like anybody else's way of learning way of thinking modus operandi. I think you do not have to do this, but you are completely within your rights to speak to HR or managerial staff to say that this has become a label and a term used to explain behavior

that you do not wish to have carried around with you when you haven't expressed that it's relevant to work. But they're scared of confrontation, and I feel like that's such a hard thing to do. That's why I think it's an email to HR. An email. I think it's an email to HR. And honestly, you're so, you might,

you say you're bad at confrontation, what you are incredibly good. But to have an anxiety or disorder and to send an email and have to wait for a response is literally like triggering a panic attack inside yourself. Yes, but I would say

they've written a beautiful email there that expresses, I think, exactly what they want to say. That's true. They're very good at articulating themselves. And I think you can be really clear in the email as to what you do and don't want. Like you don't want a confrontation,

but you do want the behavior to change you don't want to be excluded further like I don't think it gets better if you don't send the email it must be panic-inducing to go in every morning when that's the case yeah I just think there's a such a big thing of people diagnosing people with stuff because it's sort of like it's easier for us if we think that you are in this bracket yeah but it's also like it often comes with such a lack of understanding like the amount of times I've had recently we're all on the spectrum but we're not. You're either on the spectrum or you're not

and people just sort of going like, I think I might and it's like, ugh, it's getting wild because we do want people to get diagnosis. If you want to be diagnosed and if you genuinely believe it will help you with something, it is important, but, oh.

But also just like, it's so tricky when it's like, what you need to do is just have them to shut the fuck up and fuck off, but if you're anxious and you find a confrontation hard, it's like, I understand that's so hard. to do. But what alarm to me is that if that person did have a diagnosis, that's not how you deal with it. You don't go, oh, okay, every time you make a phopor or like an error in work, we will all talk to you

about how that's your brain function. If you're already anxious and then you do something that sort of like highlights your anxiety or something that other people perceive as not a regular sort of a thing to do, then if it gets pointed out, you're just going to get more anxious and more introverted and hide away from people. But also everyone, not on the spectrum, but like everyone has, idiosyncratic behaviors has like strengths and weaknesses what's idiosyncratic exactly like has like oddities like we all have like

interesting things that we do that like not everyone will do we all have like strengths and weaknesses especially in the workplace if every time we all basically have personalities yeah and different ways of learning and operating if every time I made a mistake in work

people took that as a time to assess my character or my neurology as opposed to like mind in their goddamn business. Yeah. I'd be neurotic. More so. Yeah. Why do you think I don't read the comments?

I want to fix this for you in, but I think it's like there has to be a tiny bit of confrontation to be able to solve this. But I really want to reassure you that you're very good at advocating and expressing yourself. Like you have written an email that to me is just like so on the first. face clear and very understandable from your point of view and you haven't done anything wrong. Do you feel like they need to have like one buddy first before they send their email like to sort of like is there someone in the office that you can sort of like catch their eye and roll your eyes that so you've got like a buddy because it's quite hard if it's the whole office and then you're

saying that this is your perspective and everyone else will have a different perspective right to sort of like you sort of like a buddy in those situations could be. really really helpful. Yeah like do you have a manager or a mentor who might be able to talk you through and if you don't could you ask for a workplace mentor to discuss this with? Yeah like like have someone to be on your side and to and to hear it. I think when if a whole group is following one narrative then they will start believing that narrative is true. Oh please let us know how you get on in I really we are with you I think what we're really trying to say is

like it's completely normal your feelings about this you're not like thinking you're not like outlandish for like having feelings about it and you are completely within your rights to do something about it so will you let us know how you get on we'd love to hear and if anybody else has alternate solutions perhaps write them in because you know this

isn't our experience but we'd love to be able to help end a little bit further I actually just think it's bullying sorry I don't think it's even I don't think they sound like they're trying to be helpful yeah I actually just think it's bullying I I don't think this is like a case of, like, it doesn't sound like it's coming from a place of empathy. It's unkind. Yeah, sorry.

Maybe, maybe go in and just go, you're not being, you're not nice, not nice. Don't do that. Go unkind. Don't say that. I think they probably work in like an adult's office. Yeah, that's when it really hits home. Let us know and let us know. Hey guys.

They're unkind. That's the end of episode 134. We will see you in the extras if you're a Patreon. Oh, why aren't you a patron? Get the hell over there. We'll see you with the extras. Have a good life. Good night, goodbye.

We have news in the extras. Do we? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why do I not know this again? Because you'll tell it on the main episode. Okay, bye.

Thank you.