Trusty Hogs - Ep135. Doha, Doilies and Dannii Minogue

Episode Date: May 23, 2024

We convene for a final Australian record in SYDNEY! From the famous Opera House to a "poorly attended" visit to the old jail, we've been enjoying the city, its ice cream and so much more...TOUR TICKETS: www.trustyhogs.com/tourThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Annie Tonner / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Matthew Thomas / Madeline Quinne / Grace O'Reilly / Jay SPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Hayley Worf / Aussie Steph / Jam Rainbird / Nathan Smith / Amanda McCall / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Hannah JWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I forgot on one number of podcasts. It's episode 135. It's episode 135 of Trustee Hogg. Welcome, welcome, welcome. And what the hell is going on? Great question. Well, if you're listening, probably not a lot. But if you're watching, oh my goodness me, we're in a new podcast studio, Helen.

It's magical here. Because why wait for episode, or why stars in a gorgeous podcast studio episode one? Why even do it at episode 100? Why not wait for episode 135 to really change the game? trusty hogs Yeah You're gonna give You're gonna give them your problems

And they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh It's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hogs

Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not You guys seriously We're in the most beautiful Podcast studio we've ever been in I want to say clean it's gorgeous we have just signed

a year long contact with audio always how exciting we should have read it but listen not to worry and it means that we get to hang out here don't we

forever we get free rent we get free board it's incredible we're all moving in me and Andrew sleeping in triple bunk beds and Catherine

is sleeping standing up as she prefers I actually barely move when I sleep my mom says I sleep like a vampire it's really creepy I like it that the bed's tidy

when I get out I just have to shud you back. What's your favourite thing about the new studio already? I'll go first. Oh, okay, please. By all means, why would we change a habit of a lifetime? Proximity to boots. Oh, tell me more by chance for Elaine.

We are, no other one, Farringdon boots. Very nice. Absolutely charming because you go downstairs a little bit to get into it, which I think is an absolute treat for a boot. It always feels like you're kind of clubbing, isn't it? And a little bit like, oh, how elusive, how exclusive. Very exciting, yes, yes, yes. I'd say that's my favourite thing, though.

I might change my description pickup to that boots. For me, it's the, like, profound professionalism and also the lack of incredibly loud business meetings for pharmaceutical companies happening outside of our door. Not that I didn't love the last place, Andrew, thank you for finding it. I'm going to miss the pharmaceutical people. They were

so fun. No, because they, what bothered me most about them was how they put out kickets, but they weren't for everyone. You helped yourself. I know, but you made me feel bad about it and I didn't want to feel bad about it. Because it's technically theft. Did you not notice, sorry, the pharmaceutical company moved out six months

ago and that was a post-production company for the last six months. Well, they were just as... They were just as loud, yeah. But you didn't notice the switchover at all. Do you know what? That was a lot less lab coats. Fewer.

Here's the thing. Oh my God. I missed you. I miss you. I miss you. Actually did miss you. I know. So you came home from Sydney yesterday.

We're back. I came back from Perth yesterday. Oh, the 16 hour flight. Don't mind if we do. The 21 total. No way. 21 total. No, but not from Perth.

With the, yeah, with the stopover. Where'd you stop? Three hours in Doha, Qatar. Oh, I did direct Perth, London to Perth when I went over. That's a gorgeous flight. No, it's not. It's not. It's not. Oh, it's lovely.

I got the best three hours of my life in Doha, Qatar. Really? Yeah, no, actually, no, it was a bit boring. Did you have McDonald's there? I went to giraffe. Oh, classic. Are we still boycotting McDonald's? Is that a love thing?

Yeah, no. Why are we boycotting McDonald's? How do you not know this? Just tell me. I don't eat there, so it doesn't matter. Israel, Palestine. Oh, fine. Yeah, that's a good reason.

Yeah, it's a really good reason. I don't eat there. I don't eat there. Okay. Oh, my little Miss Hungry Jacks. I fucking love Hungry Jax. I know. I don't eat at McDonald's.

That's fine, but it's good to know that I have a reason rather than just snobbery. Once again, shout out to Hungry Jacks in Australia. You are live changing and incredible and thank you for being you. They're not listening. They always are. He's not listening. I'll have a wopper chase.

Are they? Are they multiple jacks? Yeah. Anyway. Five Jacks. Five Jax. Oh, five guys must have been fuming. Oh, no.

At Doha Airport. I actually went to Dr. yeah nice what you have because well I wanted to I can tell you jetlight because you've already said that but you said it both times like it was news and I loved it for you actually went to giraffe we know you said go on

I sat down I got some work done that was on my list that I hadn't got done from Australia I was so cool oh my god we both did the same thing which is like last day panic of all the work I promised myself I would do in Australia I was like what can I possibly achieve on the way home I like even wrote down like read to page 300 of this book like I was like panic reading

I was like finishing this like scripted idea stuff. I was like, what am I doing? I read a really good book in Australia. Well, it started a really good book in Australia.

The Maps We Carrey by Rose Cartwright. What the fuck is that? She wrote Pure. Do you remember Pure about Pure O? O.C. Yeah. And now she's writing about sort of the

complex of psychology, the psychology industry and how we, what it is about categorizing suffering that is useful or not and otherwise. And psychedelic drugs,

which I know that you are fascinated by if ultimately scared of. And that's not a good synopsis, but ultimately it's a very clever book. So you know when those books we're like, I can't even describe it in a sentence.

It's just very good. You should read it. Okay, I am so into psychology books. Yeah. I know, I know I told you this one in Australia, but I think we said it on the podcast. I cannot stop listening to a book on audible called sociopath. Okay,

so they're not necessarily the same. It's exactly the same. Okay, but it's a sociopath who's written a book about being a sociopath. Whoa. But it's incredible. It's done with so much. like insight and just sort of like you're just like oh my god it must be so sucky to be born

a sociopath well can you feel that it's sucky if you're a sociopath yes yeah because you're like oh i've got to be like i've got to be like i've constantly got to be doing this thing that like everyone needs me to do but that's not my natural instinct oh it's like i have to slow down for english people exactly yeah it's exactly the same thing um helen have so much to tell you okay do you wait i know one thing and i'm already upset about it but i know we haven't discussed it but I know what it is. Okay, look, I'll just get this out of the way because I know you're going to be fuming.

On the bright side, I haven't been to Pilates in a while. In fact, I got a message from the Pilate Studio being like, we haven't seen you in a week, are you okay? And I was like, wow. That's got to feel good. Somebody cares. I think it might be a generic message from Joe, but I refuse to believe that I'm taking it as a personal set.

It's like, the duolingo owl only gets annoyed at you. Yeah, am I right? Oh my right. Oh my God, that guy's obsessed with me. It's like, geez, get on my back. No, but truly, it was very nice. but I, okay, last night I went to my local beauty shop in Hackney. Wait for us, wait for it.

60s, a beauty shop? Like, is it like, you know, like, a parlor? Not a parlor. But like, you know, like, it's two Australian women. A super drug? No, these two Australian women from Melbourne have this gorgeous, like, aesthetics clinic in Hackney Wake, it's called Big in Victoria Park Village. It's beautiful.

Everything costs a small fortune, but smells like rich ladies. Yes, please. You know, when you walk in, you're like, money. And it's so nice. And you can afford one thing a year, but it's called. it's so nice when you get it and you make it last. Anyway, the sad story about me. To return, because I once bought one thing there,

I'm on their mailing list and they have this run club for every, it's only once a week, don't get, I don't get angry. No, I'm not. I'm breathing. It's only once a week and they have, they have three groups, one that walks, one that walks and runs, runs and walks, runs and walks and ones that run. And I went last night and I was so nervous. I've never really gone to a thing without a friend, like as an adult.

You know, you're like, I felt like I was going, joining a club as a kid. And I got such P-E-P-T-SD because we stretched. I've never stretched before a run of my life before we started. And I was like, oh my God, I'm so anxious. I genuinely the whole time was like on high alert. Like I was like, someone's going to bully me any minute now. But actually it was just a bunch of women in their 30s having a nice time.

No. It was very wholesome. Yeah, we ran around Victoria Park and then we all went home. And there was no bullying. You're telling me the group that runs does not bully the group that walks. You're telling me that they're all friends together and they're all welcome at pub or do the group that run get their first and then when the walkers come

in they're going and they fucking go watch them get out of their after no because you do the same length of time so that's what's nice everyone just just 15 minutes out 15 minutes back it's very civilised and so it doesn't matter which speed you're going you end up at the same time it was so nice you'd absolutely hate it how does that work what do you mean

if one group are running for 50 minutes and one group you're doing the same time not the same distance hello then how do they get back at the same time you just sort of turn around so if you both run if you run for 15 minutes and walk for 15 minutes

the time elapses in the same rate but you don't cover the same distance you're a fucking moron sweetheart right this one's walking this finger's walking this finger's running start the clock 15 minutes look yeah they've gone different distances

15 minutes bing different distances turn around right these guys are already tired the walkers of anything are picking up pace right so another 15 minutes Well, oh dear We're not together Here come the runners

They're running up The walkers have stopped And they're being beaten to shit I thought your issue was They're punching each other in the guns You don't get them You don't get the beauty choices you want Do you spend any time with women?

A lot A lot unfortunately The fairer sacks my ass Wow You know you don't have to come to the run club You could just support it you could just support it 15 posh white thin women

needed a run and we had one it was a lovely time I might come on it but like just smoke where's the smokers group smoking running I probably vomit after 15 minutes of running straight down the back of a lovely Phoebe can I just tell you something you would have absolutely loved the girls I was running with

because one of the women ran the shop and she was women and she ran the shop and she was from Melbourne she was really fun I do like people from Melbourne I know and then and she had a gorgeous name and then But I guess, I don't know if she wants it on it. Yeah, I probably would say it. Yeah. And then on episode 135, the big guy, I don't know.

What coverage. And then also I was running with British Airways cabin crew. So you're welcome. You'd have fucking loved it. Wait, shut the fuck up. The tales she had for me about stopovers, whoo-hoo. So that's the kind of got to get on a run. Not got some giving you now because it was not mine.

Were you in the run-work group? I was in the run group, yeah. Good for you. Thanks, babe. I run. You know this. I know that, but like. But you don't believe it.

But with cabin crew I know I kept up Can you imagine It's insane Yeah Maybe they're faster in the air And then what do you do at the end of it

Do you all just shake hands and go Oh that's very dry Thank you Do you all just like meet up at the end And have like a drink Or do you all just sort of like Yeah also it's a very boozy beauty shop A parlor whatever you want to call it

So you can go in and you can use their You can use their moisters and stuff after this Or wash your face with their lovely cleansers And then you go home Or you can go to the pub This is actually really nice It was really sweet. It was honestly actually very wholesome.

I know that you hate it, but it was quite wholesome. I went to that run club once an older shot when I was a teenager. Right. And had to like fake throwing up and stuff just to get out of it. Yeah. Did you even try before you to just go straight to vomit? I did. I genuinely was like, I've got this.

Because I genuinely believed that like fitness was just like you just had to try. This really felt like one of those scenarios where there was a bunch of women who did not enjoy PE. And everyone just was like, can I go? slow and everyone didn't it was so nice no I'm not having that now I'm annoyed again why there's no way that all of these women didn't like PE there's no way the energy was of women no because they were like

let's stretch and everyone looked actively confused was anyone over a size 14 I think you know the answer to that question I would not feel safer happens if I fell and broke three of them that would be awkward wouldn't you fall on them I don't know because I've got like a very What angle are you falling from?

I'm a body slam. But what angle are you falling from in a run that you take down three women? Always forward, arms out, belly falls out too. I'd love that, fall on me. If you're going to fall on someone, that sounds very nice. Reassuring almost. Okay, so that's my mundane activity of the week. No, I'm happy you've got a mundane activity.

Well, I have to be mundane now because, as you know, I've had a public scandal whilst you've been away. I loved this public scandal. Can you believe my life? Okay, I'll explain. Arguably not a scandal about me, but I did instigate it, so I think in many ways it was in Brisbane. So even further away from you

than I could possibly fathom being, and I could hear you going. Okay, so I don't know if I should do this on the Patreon or not. Let's see how we get on. Right, so I went to the I kiss. I hosted the I Kissed a Girl Q&A for their launch party. I kissed a girl is Love Island for lesbians. I don't know why I'm telling our listeners.

They obviously fucking know. But I, so I got to watch for, first of all, all nine episodes in Australia and then had to keep a secret about what it was all about. It was a thrill. And so I went and we watched the first episode and then I did a Q&A with Danny Minogue, DA, double N, double I.

You know who I mean. But just in case you were hearing the name and didn't know how to spell it, I don't want you to be hearing it wrong. So Danny Monoque, I'd be pre the Q&A I'm introduced to Danny Minogue and I'm brought into a room that I can only describe as like having the largest bouquet of flowers

and the highest ceilings I've ever been in. I felt like I was meeting the queen when forming government, you know what I mean? I had to have a tiny briefcase. You wouldn't meet the queen now that bit, really? The king. Thank you very much. You're dead right.

Lest we forget. Lest we forget. Thank you. Both equally unimportant to me. But I went in to meet a queen, Danny Winogue, and she was so nice. And then we went down for the Q&A and she, okay, we had a laugh. No, come on. Not with the meeting, just like, did you shake hands?

Was it air kisses? It was air kisses. It was an air kiss vibe. But also she was like, beautiful. I was almost like, don't touch it because it's so perfect. and we went down and did the Q&A and I she was so fun and like we had such a laugh and obviously every second question I was like you're gay uh yeah even a little bit gay what about now at one point she was like have you love to know right and at one point in my like face she was like have you seen

three episodes or four episodes or five four or five and I was like I've forgotten the question uh call let's start with four Jenny um because your fingers were in my face oh how the lesbians laughed anyway we had a great time and she was so nice and she was obviously resisting all of my um are you gay because she's not but she was talking about being an ally and talking about like having had friends during the 80s who were gay and like her experience of it and like having a mom who told her how to like to stand up for what's right and so she like she ultimately is like I obviously identify with the queer community and she got teary at one point because she was like I'm so proud of these girls putting themselves out there in this way because they're so young and

they're like putting themselves on the line is the first queer women in the setting well fair sweet very earnest she's an incredibly like kind soul at least my experience of her was that and then um why do we always have to caveat with celebrities it's like she was nice to me but unless she does anything publicly awful but she seemed pretty nice and um the next morning we have we have a laugh we go we have tiny finger food classic lesbian fair so nice we get lots of drinks oh my god it was amazing there were there was everything there was like fish and chips burgers and chips little tiny portions um salmon on those bleanies uh oh my god it was with the with the sour creamy sort of a thing yeah yeah yeah yeah

It was a really good time. And little baby Kish's, little baby Kish's, honestly, a gorgeous time. Stop, a baby Kish can get very dry, I'll say that though. They had so, they went to, went around. A baby Kish, I've had many that I'd say on too dry. They went around with a sauce. Stop. What's the sauce that goes with Kichish?

It was like, no, it was like a harissa mayo business. Shut the fuck that. Yeah, they read it what they were doing. Is that like, do lesbians have that all the time? Well, they're not. Is that like a lesbian thing? Sourcing. Arguably.

Don't tell the others. No, but finger food is our wheelhouse, I'd say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I'm there. Thank you for it. You're welcome. I go home. I have a gorgeous time.

Ellen, my girlfriend comes with me. She's asked twice if she was on the show. She's losing our mind. She's so excited. She's like, no, turn it down. I was like, fuck off. Everyone keeps calling me mother, which means I know I'm in my 30s.

I know. Imagine 22-year-olds calling your mother. You're like, ah! But you also loved it? I'm obsessed with Amy from the show she's my favorite she also makes these amazing dyke rings she's making me one and i'm so excited stop but she knew who i was and i was like oh my god um to be recognized by the youth even if they're calling your mother it'll take it um a gorgeous time so they're all so hot in person it's like

lesbians with love violin stylish it's amazing anyway so we leave next morning i get up and i'm like they don't have like one like dumpy lesbian on the show not just chuck like one in the next now they're all like 21 to 24 oh that's a shame no they're all like they're all like they're a hot, hot, hot. Chuck one in. No, I mean, I think that would have been more realistic to have some, but no, they're all just fit, fit, fit, fit. Also, I'm late at ship myself with a fly.

By the way, I'm obsessed with whoever's doing the edits on the show because they just keep doing cutaways to the ones who lift weights. And it's like, they know what the lesbians want. Truly, it's all shoulders all day long. Anyway, to circle back, if I may, we, um, also, oh my God, sorry, all the feminists in my life who sent me list in order of which ones I fancy in which, in which I'm like, one to 10 being like, I'm like, we are, we don't deserve. anything um but so the next morning i wake up and every news outlet in the country is reporting that

danny minoke broke down in tears and came out as queer at this show i was like as if i wouldn't have noticed if that happened on my watch please as if um and i was like no she didn't then i was like how much champagne did i have i was jet lagged it was like two days after i got home so i like went up to ellen and i was like did you think danny minot came out and she was like no what huh anyway everyone's reporting it and then danny has to put out a statement i saw this because I saw you a sweet ally a sweet ally being like

shout out to the girlies but I can't claim this space and she mentioned me in it and said I was a great host of anybody's looking for an event host so nice and Danny's sign of approval but I was like

oh my god this is wild so I am but I just think it's like exactly why they're like genuinely they're like the sort of vociferous enthusiasm

with which like the Daily Mail and co were like aha she's a fucking lesbian which is ultimately the undertone. We've caught her. Yeah. Caught is such a right word.

Caught out. I was like, I kind of didn't think it was a big deal that there was a lesbian dating show. I'm a bit like, I think what's big is that like we always have to die in television shows,

etc. It's always like staring, dying, moping. Those are our brands. Like slow kissing. It's like, come on. I'm quite excited that we get to be basic as fuck on the telly because this shows.

No, wait a second. Lesbians do slow kiss a lot. No, but this show is purely about fingering beside a pool. Like it's just about like, it's honestly just like a bunch of 22 year old something to them

they can't do on the telly and it was never in but um oh was it not you guys are obsessed but no um

it's so unimaginative straight people always think it you're like wow think about it because it was always that school wasn't it I went to a Catholic

Gold Girl school let me to see that again for the stand of the mic mine was more like prayer hands we're picking that up guys yeah are we good

it's turning me on no it's not get them off I've gotten to organise shelves and watched you finger, hand finger yourself Sorry, you were saying something really poignant about Oh my God, no I was actually saying that it's so nice to have a frivolous show

But then when everyone was like, aha I was like, oh shit, we actually do need this If it's still like hot goss that somebody might have said P.S I'm queer. Like if it's like an odd incidental, you're like, geez, Louise. But didn't that happen like a couple of years ago When like Rebel Wilson got outed And she wanted to make her own announcement?

And they were to sort of like, ha ha, we found out. Yeah. What are you doing? I think she had to announce before they had published the next day. Yeah, she had to like, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross. Absolutely insane. Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. But you met Danny Minogue. But I met Danny Minogue and loads of 21 to 22 year old lesbians. And my goodness, I'm learning so many phrases, Helen. There's lots of phrases that have changed that I didn't know about. Wait. Did you say sleigh to them? They love slay.

I didn't say sleigh on account of, as I say, being a white woman. You've got to stop. But I'll say this. Slay. Slay. But what I'll say is that I, um, when I was like, God, I said so old, when like, when I was a young lesbian, but I was a young wee lesser, um, we'd say like lipstick lesbian or a high femme or femme and butch or feminine mask, um, they say black cat, black cat, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what's the black cat? Golden retriever is like a butch who looks like they're like hard and then like within two seconds, they're like super in love and very enthusiastic and all like, like, one. wife guys oh my god okay yeah yeah yeah Ellen and a black cat is apparently like a slightly cooler

a bit more aloof um standoffish lesbian stop black cat and jold golden retriever golden retriever and then what are the other ones apparently there's no that's it there's no like bunnies or hamsters or anything the lengths that no there's not but i do love the lengths the lesbians that would go to you couldn't think of a hamster that could you that'd be awful i love the lengths the lesbians will go to because they're like there's no boy or girl there's a black cat and a golden retriever. That's cool. Bit of fun,

do you only more phrases? I want to get them with the youth. What else were they saying? They were saying STEM, as in femme and stud, but I've heard that before. I thought STEM was like science technology. Oh, yeah, more women in STEM, but also more women in STEM. One more time?

Studs and femmes. Studs and fans. A mix. Okay. M's a STEM. Hey baby. Hey baby. Isn't she so cute, right?

Stem. Stem? Yeah. So more stems, more femmes and stems? No, well, more femms in stems and also more women in STEM.

What by saying? Because we want more female scientists. Sure, if you want to... And more lesbians. But I think they go, and I think we can all agree, hand in hand. It's hard to be an ally

with all this language changing. There's some alternative phrases I've found. Oh. So STEM, Stead Fem. Futch, Femmen, Fuchch, Feminine Butch, or Chapstick. She's a no. Chapsic lesbian is so shady.

Oh my God, that's savage. Wait, what's a chapsic lesbian? I can only assume it's like a lipstick lesbian who's not done the job well. Yeah, somebody who's got Fem and Butch characteristics. Oh, a chapstic femme. Yeah. It feels to me like a lipstick femme on a on a bad week. Do you know what I mean?

Like Chapsic Fem feels like, yikes. Let's get some hydration. I don't know. I love lip balms. I was literally thinking this morning we are living in a golden age of but I'm shopping. Really? Yeah, yeah, because you remember

like a couple of months ago I was like, we're living in the golden age of squash. Like when you go to the supermarket and you go to the squash all, you're like, what a privilege? Favorite squash, three, two, one, Peach.

Apple and Blackcurrant. Apple and Blackcurring. I do like the pinch, I fucking love Pete Robinson to yours. It's one of my like genuine commitments to myself as an adult that no one in my house should ever have to drink water.

Catherine has. Not if they don't want to. Right. At any one point, this is, this is since like, I fucking love Pete squash. This is when you were living in like a house share in Kilburn.

like years and years ago you have peach squash inside of a wine rack and then you've got two full bottles in your fridge at any one point that are already diluted ready to pour out cold nice and cold

oh my god I love it so much that's what's in my family at the moment I sent Sineo to buy orange yesterday because I literally landed and went to a gig Robinson's orange squash we've got a Capri Sun tropical

because we're crazy and a white grape and peach oh that sounds interesting it's a high juice nice I just think the Robinson Barley's peach is the best and greatest form of

squat. I'll never not have at least six bottles in my house. And I'll say this, I've never been more hydrated than since we got those Stanley cups. I have two a day minimum. The smug feeling of getting to the bottom of it. What? What does I do with that? You're right. We got given Stanley cups. Yeah. Are you well? God, I hope that's at home. It should be. Yeah. Mine's on my desk. I do a hot, soapy wash with it every morning so that I don't get any sort of grim stuff in the straw. I have a little straw cleaner. You were thinking about where's your still is. Yeah, no idea. Anyway, I have I haven't seen it yet since I got back. Two big gallons of peach squash a day.

I am honestly. Like, you know the cheer for clear with your piss? I do that every day. Wait, that's not a thing. Cheer for clear. You're supposed to cheer when your piss is clear? Cheer for clear. Don't you watch drag race?

Tear for clear. Not really, no. Okay. I'm so straight sometimes. You are. You are. It's actually upsetting, isn't it? Well, it's a very inside baseball reference.

But yeah, I cheer for clear. Okay, I cheer for clear to you then. Very exciting. This is when I go to the bathroom now and you hear me going, yes. Fucking sick. I doubt it. I've watched you have like three coffees.

So it's pretty unlikely. I was going to say, oh yeah. So the squash aisle, obviously a matter shout out. The squash aisle. Once into our American listeners, we will not be explaining what it is. You've got Google as well. Dilutable?

What do they call it? They need to figure it out. Like, they've got a squash situation that's embarrassing over there. Really? So they're not really, they're just not trying as far as I'm concerned. Really?

Yeah. And that goes for the entire country. Oh. Tightly gone control, better squash options. Yes. Yes. I love that. Help care comes hand in hand

with squash options as far as I'm concerned. I love that for us yeah. But the lip balm options at the moment it's a pleasure and a privilege.

Is it? Just to go and look at the lip balm. I will say I treated myself the other day do you know where I got a SPF lip balm from? Singapore Airport

and a stopover. Dublin Airport. I know. Call me crazy. Famously not good for shopping I'll say that. Disagree. Are you crazy?

Are you fucking mental? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What are you talking? Maybe you've been to Terminal 2. Which one's that at? It's the one with the loop, the shopping quarter. No.

Right. But then don't come at it. Anyway, I got my SBF lip balm from ASAP. Oh. I know. I'm really moving up in the world. Isn't it ESOP? Have I just corrected Cal?

No, it's not. Are you fucking damn it? For a long time you thought it was aesthetics though, so. Aesthetic. Some words are, you just see them written down. don't you? And you think that seems right. A sop then. Aesop is life-changing.

You know my friend Alice works. Well, I can't actually afford anything there except the lip-am. But it was a thrill to find something that I could afford and I bought it immediately. You need to talk to my friend Alice. She knows every product there. She can give you like a skin appraisal. What? She's incredible.

I love to. I told you works in the Brighton shop. Shout out to Alice. And happy birthday. I'm going to write in today for my tour show. Today is her birthday. She won't be working. Shame.

Happy birthday, Alice Horton. I hope you're having a wonderful. I hope you're having a wonderful day and I love you so, so much. Well, I'm actually going to a masterclass at Big soon because you can sign up for them. It's like for a skincare consultation. They're going to show you how to do those,

you know those like face, why am I advertising big? But I guess I am now. They're doing a master class on how to massage your own face. You know the, because I can't watch another YouTube video. I can't with an oily American telling me that this was what's up.

I don't know what's up. I just thought of something as well. Go on. I've decided I'm going to, I'm going to be leading the charge for feminists. and not falling for the latest beauty trend because like it's getting mad. I already bought a guasha.

Is that the ice thing? It's no, it's the rubby thing. It looks like a heart and it's made of Jade. That's fine. That's fine. If you want to rub Jade on your face, absolutely fine.

They are now selling a product, which is basically a big ice cube. Yes, and you roll it under your eyes. We cannot be buying water for our faces. We can't because then we're, you know what? We'll never get an equal pay because we're fucking, we don't deserve it.

Just use an ice cube. Just use an ice cube. Use an ice cube. People, there's like, they've got like thousand, thousand of ratings. I do agree. And it's women just buying. And I'm telling you now,

there's a boardroom of men somewhere in, I'm going to say America. Laughing. And they're all like, I can't believe. I cannot believe. We've got away with this. And we're all like,

your American accent needs work. Okay, I'm golly gee. I can't believe we're getting away with this. Nah. They're all just like. That's nice. But the product is. you make your own ice cube

and rub it on your face in the morning it's like Chris L says what does Chris L say what does Chris L say now you can put boots in an oven but don't make it a biscuit it's good stuff I like that by the way I've gotten really into selling sunset while you were away because I didn't have anyone to talk to it

in Australia we were at the biggest dance festival in the world and you watched all the seasons of selling sunset well I bet it she was queer and was like I'll watch it we haven't got to that part yet I'm almost five seasons in. I hope she gets queer soon. Go, whoa.

Okay, can we just shout out Netflix as well for having a really good time at the moment? Yeah, we can, absolutely, we can. Incredible. I watched the Beckham documentary last stop, Larimer. You watched all of those are the biggest art festival in the world as well,

so fuck you. Yeah, yeah, but I don't like comedy. I think it's gauche. I think it's desperate. I think it's gosh. It is desperate. Let's be honest. Oh, I haven't told you this yet.

Gosh is my new thing. Oh, no. I can't stop saying everything's gauche. Like, a woman eating in public, it's bit gauche love. question you didn't tell us which lip balm you're wearing because I've told you mine right now and I feel like I've overexposed myself okay bert's bees nice which one cherry vitamin E and peppermint oh it's the tingly one yeah the tingly one nice it looks great I've got another

bert's bees vanilla I've got a Joe Malone vitamin E child to Joe Malone the vitamin E lip balm I've got um okay they're not listening we are the we have to advertise the most products for a podcast that gets no advertiser. Francis Gwyneth and Emma Black, they will have these by now. If they don't have got a lovely bio, lip balm thing that I found in Perth, each of them.

Do you know what I'm really interested in trying? Go on. A lip oil. You're mental. Am I? You're mental. Say why? You're going to end up just spotty

all around the edge of your lip. For real. And have you ever had like a blackhead or a spot on the edge of your lip to your skin? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It looks like herpes just immediately.

Right, okay. Immediately. And the amount of people that assume that I've got it because I'm a bit grotty in general. Yeah. I don't. Yeah. I actually don't.

You do seem like you would. Now, Helen. At the start of the podcast, I was like, in the old studio, we used to have a whiteboard to keep us on track because we are unfocused. You were insulted. We haven't heard any of the things you wrote on the page.

You got leached. Talk to me. I got leached real bad, Catherine. What happened? So you went to the bush? Okay. So obviously. Why does your cousin live in the bush?

after um so i've got two cousins in australia and they just like emigrated out there like years and years and years ago no i understand that part i wasn't like i was an english person in australia she just moved to the bush that's where her and her boyfriend live why i don't know she just like she was living is she like a survivalist no she worked really really hard like the entirety of her young adult life but like really successfully and then her and her boyfriend just moved to the bush he's a helicopter to pilot. It's amazing. And they got this big property out of the bush that they're slowly doing up. It's like a proper like, it's like escape to the shadow, but escape to the bush. I was like, do you watch escape to the shadow? And they were like, yeah. And I was like, Slay. It's incredible.

And like after my last show in Brisbane, also, hello, shout out to Lauren in Brisbane. Thank you so much for letting one of my drunk cousins steal your lighter. You're appreciated and God bless you. Do you think she listened? Yeah, Lauren listen. Thank you. Okay, so I went to the, then she picked me up from my show. She was like standing outside ready for it. We got straight in her jeep. Lauren or your cousin? Not Lauren, Lauren safe.

Right. And a pleasure playing Pokemon Go with you. Of course. And, oh, that's a good question for anyone who works in this office. No, it's not. Do any of you guys play Pokemon Go? No, me neither. This is banter.

Ha ha. So we went to the bush and they were like, don't worry. I was like, right, tell me what I'm going to encounter. Right. And they were like, don't worry, nothing. Like the house is seen. it's snake hibernation season and I was like I ain't ever had

A snake hybrating The house is sealed The house is sealed Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah It's just like not Oh my god animals hibernating makes me think of Ellen's friend Jess Has a family turtle

And it went to tortoise And went to hibernate And so they buried it as you do often in the garden And a rat While it was hibernating ate its leg or That's just cut that No you're not calling that

Andrew's trying to cut that Don't cut that, Andrew. Andrew, no. Tortoise representation. Wow, Andrew, that's fabulous. Eight. It's like while it was sleeping. Isn't that awful?

Jess, I hope you don't mind me telling your family secrets. You think that's bad? I got bitten by a leech. That's why I was sleeping. So I actually have a lot in common with that toilet. Well, there you go. I do think it's worse for the tortoise, but that's fine.

She showed me around a property. It was like really late at night so it was dark and we had like flashlights, but she had stored me, everything was sealed and nothing would happen to me. She assured you the outside was sealed. No, but like we were fine. Right. So then we go in, we have a glass of wine, we're just chit-chat in.

Only you would get drunk, go out into the dark of the bush, and we're like, I can't believe there's nature out here. This is crazy. Went in, and it's like proper bush. Like, I don't know you. Like, because you're a lesbian. It's all good because it's a callback to the earlier part of the podcast.

Yeah, well, I mean, it's just a joke. But I went to bed and, like, had the best sleep ever, because I was so tired because I'd been doing, like, you didn't go to sleep with a leech on you. No, I don't know what happened. And then, right, let's just say, I went to bed. and I slept solidly for like nine hours

because I'd been like... In that way you do when you're losing blood. Full month of Melbourne, full week of Sydney. You fainted for nine hours. I fainted for nine hours. I woke up. I pulled open the car. I couldn't find the light switch

because it was like so like pulled open the curtain and I was like, oh there's a slug on the floor. And then, I'm not joking. My cousin literally had the curtain open. She talked to my door saying, morning, do you want a coffee babe? And I went, oh yes, please. Weird thing, there's a slug in my room.

Not so sealed. Ha ha ha. And she went, can I come in? And I was like, yeah, I'm just like wearing a nightshap. she comes in she goes that's not a slug and I turn back and it's

it's vomited blood up the window this slug it's like and there's blood everywhere Andrew you want to edit that out babe I was like that's a weird looking

fucking slug that's weird and then it's a demonic slug and then my cousin was like right and she's like obviously you could see her brain going okay cousin who's already nervous about some of the animals

and now she's been thrown in the situation and she's definitely been leached and she went, I think that's a leech and I went, oh my God, how fucking crazy is that? Whose blood is it vomiting? Where's the coffee? Where's coffee? And she went, right, we're going to have to check you for blood. And I said, no, there's nothing on the sheets.

She pulled back the sheet and it was like, Carrie. No! I was like, oh my God! And she was like, can you just do a slow turn for me? And I was like, do I take all my clothes off? And she went, not quite yet. I turned around. And my leg, she didn't tell me this until it was covered.

She said it was pulsing with my heartbeat out of the, hole on the back of my leg to pouring blood and I was like what's happening what happened oh my fucking God Helen this leech has been gorgeing we'd assume for hours to the point we're like Helen why did you let me tell my run club story what were we even talking about this is a leech for the composed of overeating disorder because like clearly overful or you just or you're delicious and it couldn't stop it couldn't stop it dropped off me and it went I'm too full My cousin said it was the biggest leech you'd ever seen. I slept through her eating on me.

She then alcohol wipes and covers her up with like a really heavy duty plaster. Well, on the leech are you? But she was like, it's all right, you smoke so your blood will clot faster. I was like sleigh. Slay? That's harrowing. And then we took the leech outside and then I was like, oh no, I want a photo with this. Wait, wait, wait, wait, did you wear those DVT socks on the plane?

Yeah, of course. Good, okay, good. The compression sucks. Yeah, yeah, okay, good. Yeah, me too. They make me feel very safe. Go back, go back, go back, go back, okay. Okay, so she's like, she patches you up, then you take the leach outside.

Yeah, she throws it outside already, but then I'm like, oh no, I want to see the leach. No, fuck off. Because I've never been leached, but I've literally never been leached. And I've seen so many people be leached and I've never been leached. You spend your money like a crazy woman. That's true. But like I remember my dad getting leached, like with head like seven leeches on his foot at one point because he's mental. Because he walked into the jungle a couple of times just to get away from the kid.

What jungle? In Malaysia. Jesus. Shout out to Lankawi. Definitely did not go off the path. Right. Like a bowel on the hard way. Okay, to circle back.

Unless you do want to be leached in what case, maybe you're a hysterical woman. What? It was a medicinal treatment, leeching for women who were like hysterical? I thought it was for, like, have you had any sort of fever or infection? They sort of did it for everything, didn't they?

Yeah, I think anything, anything. She'll be a big leech on it, yeah. Jesus. They make quite a big hole, I'll tell you that. Look. Is it healed? It's, you can still see a little scat. Show me?

But it's, oh, I've got jeans on. Yeah, take them off. no don't is our first day in the office the three men behind the curtain look three people behind the curtain look terrified I'd rather to keep my jeans on right now thank you so I got leech but then immediately recovered right

went on the back of a yute just holding on and went through the grounds of this cult that lived near her so what's a youth incredible like it's like a truck with a flat bed and I was like I want to ride in the back of the flat bed but I didn't realize it was like a flat bed with nothing on the sides so like I'm just holding on

the second part of the sentence now you drove on the back of the lands of a cult? Yes, yes. There's a big cult that live there. I won't say the name of the cult because I don't want to docks my car. I spent so long talking about the fucking run club. You have to just cut me off when I'm...

But you wanted to, you were very keen to do. Yeah, but you have to be like, babe, trust me, start with my story. Like what? Okay, so what kind of cult are we talking? Okay. I'm listening to a lot of was I in a cult. You can surprise me. I'll tell you the name of the cult afterwards.

I just don't want to like... But I want type of cult. Okay. women wearing like Victorian clothing with like frilly stuff and little aprons and they run nearly all the businesses in town and there is a mystery about a woman who went missing

okay but what do they believe in doilies I think no come on give me more than that in doilies and I don't really know I didn't research it enough I was a bit nervous because they were all around me when I went to get a coffee in the tea room me and my cousin and her partner they were like do you want to get a coffee from them and I was like

yeah obviously I want to go inside their businesses but there was one in every single room they sell a lot of fairies and a lot of like a lot of porcelain dolls but you'd go into the room and you'd be like you turn to like the people you're with to like make a joke and then you'd see one of them like with a feather dust and it's an audio medium

it's an audio medium you'd go into the room and you'd see one of them just really slowly like turning their head and smiling and you're like Is it a waxwork? Is it a human? And then you'd be like, what a lovely collection of baby dolls. Oh my God.

I did just do Rod Gilbert's growing pains and it became very apparent on that that I'm like a single, like a very solo lover of, I was a very, I was really like a porcelad doll enthusiast. I was a porcelain doll enthusiast. Okay, fine.

So I had a collection, my collection was on the Rod Gilbert show. They had a collection for me. It was terrifying. I loved it. Did you get a subscription to porcelain dolls of the world? No, I wasn't made of money. What?

No. are you serious that's so cool I had the 399 a month my parents already splashed out on me oh nice

I had that classic book you know you get the classic book and they all came in those like bound colours and then you get a magazine with the book you do like a crossword about Pollyanna

do you remember those no the magazine will be on different ends of porcelain doll collecting we were just in different countries maybe

no those are Pollyanna's a book not of Porsland doll who is she she's a sick child you never read Pollyanna what's wrong with her what's wrong with her

great question you should read it i'll lend it to him why she oh that's the whole book is she an adult did she make it wait she's very much the um you know the sick cousin you know colin from secret garden yes she's like the female version of that except the whole book's about her but wasn't colin actually not sick read the book ellen like a hump on his back oh my god there's a secret garden about munchausen's by proxy no no way because colin i thought it was a bit i thought it was about a bit of the D deficiency. Wait, what was it? Wait, I think Scott's Garvin was about Munchausen.

I think Colin was the original Gypsy Rose Blanchard. Let's discuss. We haven't done the reading. Did you see Gypsy Rose Blanchard made a post for Mother's Day? And it's like, definitely miss this one, baby. No, oh my God, what did she even pose? Happy Mother's Day to all my mother figures out there. Sorry for screaming, sorry for screaming, sorry for screaming, sorry for screaming, sorry for screaming.

Oh my God, wait, so you go to the cult and then you go back on the road. So I recover from being leached, look around the col. I'm so proud of you for not being indoctrinated. You could be easily taken in. Oh my God, I so wanted to. Yeah, I'm proud of you. We were doing like a dinner thing. So we like riding around on the U, I'm saying hello to all the neighbours.

And she's like, this is my cousin who's visiting. I'm like, this is so fun. We go back. We get in the spa. She's got like an outside hot tub. It was just incredible. Whoa. They were like, this is a posom mess.

Did you check it for leeches first? No. Yeah, I should have done that actually. But no, I didn't get leached again. And then they were like, oh, well, the house is so sealed. and then I was like obviously so exhausted so then I had a nap before dinner and then we get up and we were like watching TV

and just chilling out and I was like oh yeah it's not as bad as everyone says here my cousin gets out a puzzle because she's like big into puzzling too we're doing a puzzle her boyfriend's watching Lego Masters shout out Australian Lego Masters and then he goes to the bathroom

and he goes oh bloody ill and he's like come look at this come look at this and I'm like what could it be it's a fucking snake inside the toilet and the bathroom door is open, my room door is open opposite here. Wait, your cousin's boyfriend asked you to come see a snake in the bathroom

and you went you just went in there. But like, the house is fucking sealed and you've got to remember in the morning. Stop saying sealed, it's not sealed. It's not sealed. It's not sealed. You've got a snake. You've got a leech for a box safe. There was like another like massive snake skin for what they thought was a carpet python

which had just shed it overnight. I'm like, well they're not fucking hibernating are they? Because they're fucking everywhere and inside of the toilet I'll put a picture drop on the trusty hogs Instagram. We'll see depending on what the end of the sentence is. Oh, what was he called? A night tiger? Excuse me?

I think he was a night tiger. Huh? But he looks like a brown snake, which is like so venomous. But he was like in on top of the toilet sister and just like, get too far. And I was like, you can be fucking joking me. I was like, I'm not using that toilet again. Absolutely not using it. I actually feel sick.

I was, I felt sick. And then I was like, they were like, oh no, it's all right. It probably just came in when you were like, when I have for a cigarette and I was like no because I closed the door immediately behind me and then trav has to pick it up so he picks it up with the welding glass her boyfriend's trav yeah he's Australian yeah and then he picks up and takes it outside and then I'm like well I want to go for a cigarette because I'm like stressed but now I can't because there's a snake out there so they had to come and watch me have a cigarette while the snake was just like what the fuck it was

honestly that's harrowing did you have a nice time that night I made them both do a show of checking my room yeah fair fair fair fair Fair, fair. I was like, and they were like, no, no, but there's no snake in here. Get in there and fucking check. That was a snake in the toilet. Yeah, check.

There's a door open. So I'm, my board cousin handed out on every light. And I was like, you need to check through my suitcase. You need to check over the bed, under the bed, under every pillow. And I just stood there being like, I'm not feeling confident. No, that's not right. But it was,

it was so amazing. And she's like, you do just get used to it. And it's like, I will never get used to like every room you go in. Like, not thinking. Happy to check for a killer animal. Right. No. What?

That's crazy. It's mental. It's like the one good thing about getting to your house as a woman should be like, huh, safe from potential. Oh no. What? No. Actually,

that's not the only option. Statistically more of them in your house than God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Do we have another thing on the list? I think I didn't. Wait, do you know what you're elite to make me think of?

Did you know this? I found this out recently. You know when you donate blood that you can get an app now and they give you loyalty points so you can win back. badges like a game for donating blood. I can't believe that I'm enraged

because I didn't know about this which means the ones that I've done so far having counted and they don't count Irish and they don't count Scottish donations fuming. But if you registered It's a different system

which is fine, fair enough although Scotland seems a little harsh yeah but oh my God now I'm like I need to give blood as much as I possibly can so very exciting. How did you get the air? I can download it

it's so good can you imagine like I've never given blood and now I'm going to start Wait are you allowed to donate when you smoke? yeah remember I said on the podcast before you can't donate because I smart yeah and then people messaged me being like that's not true and I was like oh okay they were like start making excuses yeah like literally you're lying okay I'm gonna I need to do

that but that leaps did throw up so maybe you shouldn't be but I think it's because it was like it just like I don't think I think a leap probably got on me and was like I cannot believe I'm getting away with this Helen do you want to you cannot believe she's not even moving so it was just like it was like it's like when someone forgets to set a timer for you and all you can eat buffet and it's like a three hour limit and the waitress is just finishing her shift so she seats you

and has no idea and then six hours later because no one's come and told you off you're like literally just noodles hanging out every single orifice being like I don't know what's happened do they do a three hour limit at some places they do limit you

goodness I think it depends on the size of you like when I walk in they're like one hour 30 tops behave yourself behave it's a real psychological game they really try and fight you at the buffet If you're bigger, they'll seat you farther away from the stuff

so you have to walk further. No, they don't. Yep, they'll give you squeaky chairs. So every time you get up, it makes the sound and you're embarrassed, they really try and like... Andrew, you sound paranoid. No, I'm not... This chair is squeakier than the other chairs.

I've sat on everyone in the restaurant. If you go in and you're in a bigger body, they make you walk further to the buffet. Honestly, because we went to an all you can eat Chinese in, in Leicester Square. And we went once with my friend Jake and he was like a bean pole, really skinny. He arrived first.

They sat at him. right next to the food. Second time I went, I arrived first. They took me downstairs. Were there any other tables available? Yes, there were plenty of tables available. They took me downstairs in the corner downstairs.

I had to walk all the way to the staircase and then up the staircase to get my food. Right. Put Stacey Dooley down because we need to contact her about this and you can look into it. Yeah, Stacey Dooley feels like the right person for that investigation. That being said, do you remember I had those like two very big people in my family,

like documentary size big. I'm not commenting on that. they were incredible rest in peace and they no because you remember one of them was in my show last year because I did a shout out for the pool bearers for putting

in a shift and then they wheeled them in absolutely yeah they couldn't they couldn't lift them in a scaffolding it was a real shame but it would have absolutely killed if I got to open that way but um we

do you remember do you remember before the podcast where I was like no Helen never laughs more than when she's trying to get her own fucking story out. When I make a joke you're like droll. When you make a joke you're losing your fucking mind. Crying with laughter before you even say it.

We used that when they arrived at the all you can eat buffet this is like that the back of the kitchen they'd see through the porthole and it would be like you know that scene in Titanic when the water's coming in the engine room and they were like, we've got a 69

fry everything. That's not enough. up and like huge reporters like trying to get how on the docking loading room

like probably how it's not worth it Helen breath my whole family needs to take a breath standing at the concierge desk like

you snorting is the ad for the podcast It's just good fun. But they weren't seen that far away because they weren't back to clear mobile. Oh gosh, gosh, gosh, gosh. Which is like, that just goes to show you've got to push through the mid-range wake.

Yeah, you don't want to be in the middle. You don't want to be in the middle. That's nice. We thought, how weird, so many laughs about that. They were the people that I once went to visit, and we had a full fish and chip dinner. at like 11.30 a.m. And I was like, yeah, incredible.

I think that's a good time to eat at fish and chips because you have the whole day to digest it. That's incredible. If you have that before sleep, it's weird and heavy. Not the whole day. Right. So I was visiting by myself. We had a full fish and chip dinner

and a massive like wippy with like red sauce and like... What's a wippy? Like a Mr. Whippy. Right, okay. Like cone. And then at like like 2 p.m. or 3 p.m. Do you say sauce when you mean like... Well, they used to call it monkey blood.

Do you remember? that. Monty blood. Like, we'll have a corn with monkey blood. This is such a blood-oriented episode.

Shout out blood once again. Okay. But then at like two or three o'clock they were like, well it's time for an afternoon tea. And I was like,

oh, you know, like tea and like some like biscuits or a cake or something and we had a keesh each. A keesh each. It's hard to say that. A keesh each. We had a kish each

and not the keesh you're picturing. Not the little one. no not not the little lesbian ones this is the big straight quiche how big we talking like a lorraine each oh yeah like a full quiche lorraine each and that's not a lorraine each actually feels quite lesbian but all right that's afternoon tea i was struggling to breathe and i don't struggle often you didn't have dinner though we haven't even got to danaia what you have for dinner china's takeaway my cousin sophie were they will

No, I guess not. Were they well? They're dead, Catherine. Actually, one of them, he said he had cancer, but we couldn't know because he couldn't fit in the machine to find out.

No, I don't know. Actually, he would love it because he was really into comedy. Like, he was genuinely, he wanted me to do the eulogy because he was like, let's make it funny. But we still don't know

to this day what took him in the end because they couldn't squeeze him in. The big lad was David. That's a big boy. You have to. understand i'm not in a big body so you're putting me i know you're putting me in a drinking spot but just know that you would have loved this and celebrate it what was the um what was i going to say i can't remember now chinese takeaway does the dessert so my cousin my cousin sophy

hi sophy oh i'm going to be a god parent as well wow really you i'm going to christing yeah she told me i've got to get back into god though so no she didn't yeah she did i've got a text from her behave yourself what's you say being like it's time to get into god i want you to be the godmother and i was like i'm in wait why why Why is she doing it? Is she doing it in a church? Is she religious? Enough for good schools.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Our whole families are. Like, everyone's getting religious, apart from the Bauer's side. But it'll be nice. Don't message me if you're triggered by my ugh, by the way. I, sorry. I don't want your message if you don't like my take on religion.

I was raised in it. I don't like it. I'm going to have a godson. Do you know it's a godson? Yeah, no, I've already know him. What about guys? parents. Sophie, think about guide parents. I'll be a guide parent. You do have to say guide

parents. No, I like Godmother. I like Godmother. But just pop a fairy in front of it. Why can't we just pop a fairy in front of it? No, I want to be a godmother. But what do you know of religion? I'm going to guide him. I'm going to help him walk beside Jesus. Is it Protestantism? I'm going to help this young lad walk beside Jesus every step of the way. Is it Protestantism? I should ask that.

You should. I don't even know. You don't even know. You don't even know. No question. Is a Church of England? Wow, you suck Step one fail I will buy him a gift Nice, that's the Okay Yeah

Okay I'm gonna buy him a Jesus dress up outfit You know really lean into it Nice Little sandals, little beard Cute Make him wear it for the christening

That's nice What was that? That was baby Jesus Getting baptized Were you trying to do a blessing? Yeah Okay You know when they do the water

Yeah Hello forward Yeah I know I know because I've been to Christings before ever ever been doing. Oh, Sophie! Here we go. Right. She was doing the Great North Run. I'm sure I must have told us on the podcast

before. She's pregnant with the baby and she's doing the Great North Run. Right, okay. I was like, fair, fucks to you though. She was doing the Great North Run. Oh my God, have you ever watched the Barclay Marathons on Netflix? I swear, I've got to get this out, Catherine. Wait, what the fuck is Barclay Marathons on Netflix? It's an insane documentary about one of the most complicated ultra runs that very few people have ever

completed and the first woman to do it, finish it within 90 seconds of the time limit and she's English. Badass. Go on. Wait, is ultra running marathons is like you watch it on Netflix. You can watch the Barclay marathons on Netflix. What's a Barclay marathon? It's a very specific ultra run

like the bank. No. And it's in the States because there was a prison escape and these two guys were watching the prison escape and were like I could have got a hundred miles from that place because this guy didn't get very far and then they mapped it out and then the run starts by a man lighting a cigarette or blowing a conch and

the entry, they don't tell you how to enter it. You have to, you have to figure out how to enter it. like a riddle and when you do the entry fee like one year it's like a red sock another year it was like a the red of a car with a tea in it or something like it's a mad thing and you get a number of a page

that you have to find in a book as you go along but it's not technically measured because loads of it's uphill and loads of it's in bush so it's very difficult it's really fucking good the Barclay Marathons anyway the North right north run just to check if they're like oh I can get better than that

do they have to live off prison rations with that little movement for the like leading up to the marathon no but it's deranged because when you watch it you realize that ultramarathons half of it is like you get you go crazy right you're lacking sleep and you have to go back out within a time limit so you have to go out with you like so they're just like they basically just have their families there chucking food down them like like literally force feeding them so that they have enough energy to go it's crazy what they force feeding them spaghetti carbana pasta bananas carbs yeah yeah yeah bleak bleak yeah yeah yeah fascinating i signed up for a half marathon, but it's not the same.

Good for you. I will talk about it like it's the same, but that's closer to the time. And we cannot wait. Please try to trusty hogs to follow our marathom. Do you remember I did my last half marathon and I hadn't gone to the toilet in ages? This time I'm hoping I will have oh my God, I have a medical breakthrough, but please tell me about the Great North one. Oh yeah. Basically she was

my uncle accidentally said to them that she could stay with them the night before and she was like, no, I'll go to theirs after the run. I can't go the night before. She had a full Chinese takeaway with them, which is a Newcastle Chinese takeaway select. Chicken balls, fried rice, noodles, fried twice. I genuinely don't believe there's a better Chinese takeaway than in Ireland, but okay, apart from probably in China, but I've never been. Okay, and then in, and the next morning, she was like,

I just need like a massive thing of like porridge, just like anything that could just give me like loads of like energy, just like, and he'd already got up and made a full fry up. So she did the Great Northam. On a Chinese takeaway in a fry up and she was like, oh, and I think she got taken over. I think was it, someone like wearing a misty up. the blobby cost of me and she was like fuck you there's another run show on Amazon I don't I'm not that into it

no but wait wait it's a documentary about the South African run that started during apartheid and then it was desegregated but in the interim women were allowed in and a man said if he was overtaken by a woman he would quit and he had to because a woman passed in by and he just turned around so bye okay that I'm into yeah check it out I can't remember the name of that but it'll come to me Hello, it's me, Catherine Beaumhart and I'm going on tour.

My show is called Again With Feelings and oh my gosh, you guys, I would absolutely love if you bought a ticket in advance because people keep sending me emails about the places that aren't selling well and it's very stressful. So I'm doing Brighton, Aldershot, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Newcastle, Norwich, Winchester, Cambridge, Oxford,

Bass, Birmingham, Manchester, Leeds, Liverpool. I'm now doing Bolton, we're adding Bolton, Sheffield, Exeter, Corsham, Bristol, Coventry, Gilford, Portsmouth, Swind, and Dublin, and then I'm back in London. The point is, I have a lot of tickets as hell, and I'm not really sleeping. So, um, grab a ticket. Hey, grab a ticket at catherinebowhart.com. Hey, girl, we've got to do a problem. We've got to, because we've already talked for literally an hour.

Yeah. And we have another problem. Okay, come on. What's the problem mind you? Do you have a listener problem? We do indeed from Jay. Jay. Jay, hi Jay.

Jay says, hi Hogs. Jay, you're our first problem in our new podcast studio. Wow, I wonder if we're going to be better advice givers. Wow, are we, wow. Huh? Based on the last hour, I'd say no. But let's see. Okay, fuck you.

Let's go. Hi, Hogs. I'm currently in bed with COVID and I've chosen now to properly get into the backlog of trusty hogs episodes. First of May, so very recently. Oh my gosh. they might actually still, probably hopefully not still in bed with COVID. I hope.

Well, unless you've got long COVID in which case, best of luck to you. Oh my God. Best of luck to you. Jesus. Okay, so far, so insensitive. Go on.

Jay says I've got 55 episodes left. I'm on the home stretch now, baby. Which means they've just passed the stairwell story, just mathematically. That's fantastic. I've been listening to random episodes are not in any kind of order. Oh, no mind.

Wait, that's a hell in if ever heard you. You're just diving in any episode. Do you like? Oh, this is a really. real hell and problem yeah okay oh a helen problem imagine imagine starting a podcast that you haven't listened you not just starting at the start when you have COVID you've all the time of the world you don't have to poke it oh problem solved end of yeah no no no could you imagine if I oh um perceries go in their

vagina not in the mouth shall I read the problem please yeah okay um they they say about randomly listening to it they get a lot of emotional whiplash from pancake being alive and then dead and then live well you've got to listen in order yeah and Catherine's driving tests coming and going as well Passed it baby the second time Sorry to spoil I'm coming in with a theatre problem Oh my God, yes please

I adore theatre Last year I saw 83 shows And this year I'm currently on 24 Wow Being a bit depressed Theatre is something that I almost use To self-soothe and sometimes it feels like The theatre is the one thing that makes me happy

Wow With that being said I found myself becoming angry and angrier When I'm supposed to be in my happy place And it's something that I'm starting to hate about myself I hate other audience members Why do they talk When there's literally a story unfolding on stage

Why do they sing when they're a trained professionals doing it Why are they eating so loudly? Oh my God, people singing along at a musical Get to fuck People paid 75 pounds to listen to the professionals Nobody wants to hear you sing Sorry I'm raging as well, go on Yeah, it's really infuriating

It's infuriating And Jay finds themselves getting so distracted That they wanted some advice On how to stop being So annoyed by other people's behaviour For context I also work in a theatre and sometimes I feel like

I could commit a murder by some of the behaviours I've seen. What do you do to stop being annoyed by them? Best, Jay. Oh my God, I'm also annoyed. What's 82 divided by three? Like 28-ish. 27.3.

Is a number of shows you want to go to a year now. Forget the 82. Then you want to book three seats. Two on either side of you. You're done. No, problem solved. Because how happens someone in front of you just, like, gets their phone out? Like, there's people in theatres now, like, the front of house staff are, like,

they have to go around with torches just to, like, shine on people's faces to shame them to, like, put their phone away or to stop talking. Like, it's just constant. And also, it's so tricky when you're watching music you love. Like, obviously, you do want to sing along. You can lip sync, you know, if you're that desperate. People, the food choices that were taken to the theatres is mad. I still can't believe you can bring food into the theatre.

Sorry to say it, but, like, in, um, Melbourne, I'd never experienced it. There was a concession stand outside my venue. So people would come in with family-sized bags of crisps. As a performer, I was honestly incapable of not focusing on it. I would have to say it every single time. And it's so rude because obviously they've just bought them outside. They don't know.

But I'm like, are you high? It's an hour-long show. Put your crisps away. The bars in Australia before shows is like there's food options as well as drink options to take into the show. So like that is, yeah, it's so strange. Because like... The loudest snack in the world.

Marshallows, go to town. It used to be ice cream. cream in the interval, the most silent food of all. Fine. But honestly crisps, you're mad. How do you not get annoyed? Take a beta blocker before you go in? I'd say 80 milligrams of propanol probably. I don't know if that's a sustainable. 82 times

a year. I think it's not heart healthy over a long amount of time, but I'd risk it for like the sake of a good show. Well, we're not answering this question very well because we're going to rage. Matinees. Everyone's sleeping. Oh, I like that. Wednesday matinees. I think particular shout out to them. Like if you

don't mind having a bit of a snoozy. people snoozing around you you can get a lot done God it's so annoying because it's like there's nothing you can do because it just happens doesn't it

and you're just sort of like it's enraging though it's so unfair maybe a meditation before you go in have you ever been with a bad audience member and been like but like like

gone with them and then I'm never coming out with you again yeah me too it was so awkward hell twice once of my brother he had a really bad cold

and it was just like don't say me the other time do not say me it wasn't you it was another family member who I won't

docks right I truly did you say docks that's not what doxing was doxing when you say people's address

yeah which you've done multiple times on this yeah but mainly yourself yeah I just think wow I really

hate that I don't have a solution for you barring booking the tickets around you but that's not really possible

I just fuck God okay the only the suggestion I could make is I know a woman who goes to is in

like an opera club and they go see them together. The virtue of that, I suspect, if you go as a group, is that you're surrounded by other theatre lovers. So you're unlikely to be sat amidst people who are behaving so badly.

But it is absolutely frustrating to like, I can't even imagine it. I become a real rat as well, like I will go get stuff. Will you? Yeah. Roaning the show for them and me. Like when during the interval? Yeah.

So do you think like that's actually actually I've had people kicked out of the cinema I've worked in a theatre and a cinema I know the rules girl I would say like sometimes people try and like shush people around them

which actually makes the problem worse yeah it's redressful especially if they're teens to be said for like a look it doesn't work I do the look I do the look you do the look to me and it works for me I get nervous

yeah but I don't know if you don't know that like I mean it that it works as well but also obviously if they're teenagers what happens when somebody like me goes what do they do how sh shh shh shh fuck fuck has this been helpful sorry for screaming it's so annoying that's one of the hardest problems any solutions over there no i do go to a lot of theatre as well and um i think matanais is a

really good shout any non-traditional theatre days like when there's cheaper tickets a obviously it's financially better but b that's more likely to be people who live in london who really like theatre who can pick up these last minute deals um i feel like when it's expensive tickets on a weekend or a a day, so many more tourists than people who aren't theatre trained. Avoid anything, jukebox. Do not bother with Tina Turner. Do not bother with dirty dancing or pretty women.

I'm sure they're fantastic shows. Pretty women is a show. Yeah, yeah. No, pretty women. Pretty women is a gay show. If you're willing to, like, like, I mean, you're going to Mamma Mia, you will get people singing, but just enjoy it.

Like, if you're, like, sometimes you're going to prepare yourself for what you're going into. Like, don't, don't sing along to like an Ibson play. But, like, if you're going to go see, like, yeah, I think it's preparing yourself what you're going to go see to like some things will just have like a bit of a vibe in the audience

but then just try and lean into it and enjoy it there's no solution It's really hard Yeah, it's really hard So Neil watched a show at the National Theatre And it was like about No, which is so good So good

Everyone's talking about it now I saw that when it first came out years ago Yeah, it was good then too It's incredible It's so good It's so good and it Oh my God I know, don't even go on

No, he went to see a play about like a working class family and he was like, it was insane like people, so the audience obviously, it's the national theatre that's so, so posh. And they basically always are that. I used to work there for years in catering. And anytime

they'd make like a play joke on stage like, oh, should we go shop down should we go Aldi or Liddle today which wasn't a joke in the play but the audience would be like, oh! Aldi or Little! And he was like, everyone would just

fuming like just angry the entire time and then all being like oh god it's so difficult for them no no no no you're gonna have to find a love or something else the theatre will ever be fixed yeah that's tough yeah that is tough well go to um lots of off western productions i feel that that would be a more nicheer more theatre trained audience and there's some lots of stuff i love that you keep calling them theatre trained audiences yeah as if that That's theatre trained isn't like when you go to learn to be an actor. I mean, to you've honest, that's also a large portion of audiences. Yeah, that's true.

Etiquette isn't very important. What I would also suggest, another thought, go to a boxing class and then go. Get your rage out and then go. Sometimes it's my, like, if my anger is like, on, you know, dealt with. Yeah. Definitely. I said beat the shit out of people if they piss you off. That's not.

No, go to the boxing class and then go to a theatre. You'll be all right. No, train. for it no no no god not like fight club for the theater can we just before we end this they would talk about it plain couldn't keep it gorgeous oh you must go um just a quick addendum to this yeah like i think don't like don't be a backseat theater audience the point where you don't react to things on stage as well but also like still be present in your body because there was at the national once a woman's husband died during the second act but she didn't want to disturb

because her theatre etiquette was so good she waited for the end of the show to go to an usher. My husband passed away during Act 2, but I didn't want to deserve. He's in Row D, seat 48, should I wait or collect him tomorrow? Had she also died? Was she a ghost?

No, that's just the voice of the patrons of the Royal National Theatre. I'm so sorry, my husband passed away during Act 2. Should I wait? Was the 17-year-old could his skull be used for York? He loved to be part of the Probbs Department

Jeremy Imagine the 17 year old He drove here Jeremy Imagine the 17 year old holding the ice screams I was like Huh

I knew there was a problem When he didn't give a standing o he always does for so Simon Do you think the ice cream kid was like Or do you think they were like Not again Not again Fuck thank Germin

The Olivier, not the Littleton Gentlemen Have you seen that thing on Instagram Where it's like competitive husband calling No Oh my God yes Yes Sorry that took me

a second, yes. It's an American fair, like a, yeah, like those country bears where they have to call their husband. Yeah, and they're like, Kheed! I can see the past. Gavin!

Adam just having a literal panic. But I want there to be a British one, but just for the upper classes. Oh, yes. Edward. That'll be called. Lawrence. Lawrence. Lawrence.

But they like yodel them. Theodore. Theodore. Humphrey. Humpy. Humpe. Humpe. Humpe.

Dinner's the red. No, they don't cook their own dinner. Humphi ring the gong. The bell, darling, the bell. Humphier ring the bell. Oh, nice. I cannot wait to be an old aristocrat. That's actually my destiny.

You think that's your future, yeah? I think it might be. Any aristocrats listening, please slide into my DM. Slide into your DM. be between the age of 29 and 42. Disagree. Disagree. Why? I'm not going out with a young aristocrat. I don't want to do cocaine.

Babe, you're going to want them to be between the ages of 79 and 89. No. Oh, that's awful. Get them bumped off soon. Those girls that were on the Playboy Mansion, they had a horrible time of it with her. Bet they own fucking houses now. Horrible time with that.

That they own houses. Bet Crystal's complaining from a beautiful couch. Yeah, she's done very well. All due respect to her, but come on. If you have to put up with it, have a bill. Do you know what them lasting? I don't want to go down on that low. Yeah, but, like, how is that?

I already find blowjobs, like, repulsive. Like, the amount of times I had to be like, I've got to make your mouth. No arguments from me. So then the idea of doing that on something that's like... God, it's been so long since I've given a blowup. Hang on. How many years do you guys?

That's what I'm trying to figure out. I did one in 22 I've got 10 years 10 years blood job free stop thank you we'll get you one of those cheats you're like

yeah get me medal woohoo were you good at them actually yes because I read a book I was so bad I'm saying words

because I want to get to that level I'll tell you for why obviously you know Tracy Cox the daily male sex expert sex expert as it were well okay Tracy was very formative in my sex life

because my mother used to say she doesn't want girls she doesn't want daughters who don't wank because they'll have terrible sex lives

those of her friends never learned to wank her generation and consequently they have awful sex lives so you need to get to know Pam and her five sisters

do you ever this you know what I mean and so she was like you need to read a book so I got a book called Hot Sex by Tracy Cox and in it there were two articles

page by page side by side one was by a male escort and one was by a female sex worker and he did advice on how to give head to women

so funny and she did the advice on how to give head to men so funny they absolutely should have inverted them but oh my god detailed prescriptions for a 16 year old true davids didn't have sex plus 19 but um i read all i did all the research i was a real nerd do the lips over the teeth thing the grandma that was like it's called the grandma that's what we were told granny dear that's what we were told at school PSHU no but like like the big things the tips went out of blow jobs obviously cosmo was very destructive so it was like lips over teeth you don't want to bite if you're giving a blow job no biting don't want to be cut no biting that was made very clear to us so like yeah and then again it's an

audio medium no one can hear that you have to stop your gag reflex Christ how what by putting your thumb in your palm and squeezing down it's a nerve and myth it doesn't work it's such an urban myth because I've thrown up on like six seven stomachs easy just being too enthusiastic or have you actually thrown No, yeah, insane. Like a waterfall in my 20s. Just like, I can do it. I can deep throat just like the other girl. Just a picture of cheeky V.

Shout out Wetherspoons. And Blue Lagoon, lest we forget. Sorry, that must be so traumatic for the boys. No, they're fine, they're fine. Clearing out their belly button two weeks. Oh, no. Yeah. I think you underestimate how disgusting teenage boys are.

How insane is it? that people have an issue with gay people what the fuck is that that is wild that's harrowly young lady they don't say anything about that in Cosmo what to do when you vomit on their stomach and it's blue well you just go oh no shower time

then they go and have a shower and meanwhile the gay community is douching to within an inch of their life yeah exactly exactly you have no idea how easy it is to be a minger like you know I like my life is so much simpler because I don't care.

Thank you so much. Jay, I hope that helps with your problem. Jay, if you ever get to this problem, because you might never get to this episode because you're all over the shop, but if you ever do, and it won't be an order, I hope that helps. Pancake dies and so does the queen.

You've got a lot coming your way. Oh my gosh, yes, Jay, goodness. Oh, that one episode that the BBC would not air was the day after the queen died. That's right. But we did podcast throughout the funeral. Well, it wasn't our fault they were playing it on screen. outside in the pub what is this country you're mad everyone and when you talk to english

people about how quickly we bury their dead they're like you're wild it's like you fuckers queued up to watch a dead bottle you're mad okay what kid was in it if the body's in it open the box okay we've done that we've covered that you'll get to it jay enjoy bye whoa helen we've got some new executive producers this is so exciting holy fuck in the boogie section all right thank you to guy goodman Bougie? Is it? Bougie. I lent on the G. I lend on the G. Bougie.

You boogie. Anyway, thank you for supporting us, our exec producers. They are Guy Goodman, Simon Moore, Danny Tonner, Stephanie Cataratia has moved up the level. Don't mind if we do. Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Matthew Thomas, Madeline Quinn, Grace O'Reilly and J.S. A whole bunch of new guys. Thank you all so much. And shout out to our amazing producers. You know them. Sing along.

It's Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bold, Neil Redmond, Howardman, Howard, Dike, Tim and Don, David Walker, Rachel R, Sadie Cashmore, Claire Owen Jones, Jess and Nick, Zoe, Sarah and Molly, Ria Fink, Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Graham Marsh, Amy O'Reardon, Abby Woff, Matt Sims, Luke, Luke, Kate, Spencer, Tristan, Liz Fort, Tass, Anthony, Chloe Fox, Dean Michael, Sophie Chivers, Carrie Sooth, Charlie, eh? Don't know why that one tripped me up. That's crazy. Yeah. Casey, Haley Wharf, have I not already said that? They're just. two wharfs, Tina Wharf and Haley Wharf. Keep going, keep going. And Kerry, no, oh no, Ozzie Steff, Jam, Rainbird, Slave. Nathan Smith, Amanda McCall, Tamsin Smith Harding, Hannah Jay. I loved my favourite read there was when you said, Kate, Spencer, Kate Spencer.

Who's Kate Spencer? She's one of our producers. Yeah, I know that, but you said, Kate, Spencer, like this. Oh, thank you everyone for producing. we love you all. Thank you, bye. I wonder if Amanda's related to Davina.