Trusty Hogs - Ep138. MICHELLE BRASIER / Gifts, Guide Dogs & Galumphing

Episode Date: June 13, 2024

We welcome the magnificent multi-hyphenate Michelle Brasier to the podcast this week! From her brilliant solo shows to collaborations with sketch group Aunty Donna, Michelle is so so funny and joins us to chat musical theatre training, pranks and her over enthusiastic would-be service dog...FOLLOW MICHELLE: @MichelleBrasierTOUR TICKETS: www.trustyhogs.com/tourThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Annie Tonner / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Madeline Quinne / Grace O'Reilly / Jay SPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Aussie Steph / Jam Rainbird / Nathan Smith / Amanda McCall / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Hannah JWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

avoiding your unfinished home projects because you're not sure where to start thumbtack knows home so you don't have to don't know the difference between matte paint finish and satin or what that clunking sound from your dryer is with thumbtack you don't have to be a home pro you just have to hire one you can hire top rated pros seed price estimates and read reviews all on the app download today hello and welcome to episode 138 of trusty hogs i'm katherine bowhart that is helen bower over there hello hello and this is a a podcast I guess we tell you about our perfect lives and then we answer our listener problems and today we have the most stunning guest Michelle Bracers here and I'm so happy about it. We're so happy and may I say thank you for joining us today. Through the fog, step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem.

They'll have guests. and Andrew White on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not Whoa, what's this new tenure? Thank you for joining us today. Huh? I watched the first half of Kathy and Stella the musical yesterday.

So then Ellen. Not a walkout, just the second, it was a show stop. But they do like, obviously it's set about a podcast. Yeah. it's amazing by the way but um she said it was incredible it was incredible she's going back to see the second half that's how good it was me too I mean they offered all of us that was like a thing but they were like and you can come back to see the second half it was incredible you have to go see it if you're in london but they in the podcast they've got like a song and she's like thank you so much

for joining us today and I was like we never say that no we don't and we want to say wherever you are whoever you are thank you so much for spending time with us wow that's a nice. Isn't that so cute. I'm not forget by the next episode. Of course. Helen, we need to talk about your look today because you have a new sharp a bob and I'm freaking loving it. Yeah, I've got a bob and I'm wearing a parent trap, camp world and I love it

so much. Do you know why? Because I'm fashion now. You're fashion now. Yes. Yes, girl. I genuinely love your haircuts so much. Thank you so much. It suits you so well. It looks like you should be editing a magazine and I'm here for it. But what magazine? Horse and Hound.

Oh, you'd be so good at that. You'd be like telling us what all the star signs of the horses are. You know what I mean? Like hounding us about hounds. I'd be so into it. I saw four horses yesterday in central London. No, not police horses. Just in a park in Zone 2.

I was like, what are you doing here, boys? What were they doing there? They just lived there. That's where their stables are. It's like a little riding school. Which park? Loughborough Junction. Do you even know where that is? No, sorry, is not Loughborough Junction.

It's not Loughborough Junction. And there were just four horses and I was like, what are you lads doing? But where is Loughra Junction? It's like... If not in Loughborough. Near Brixton is the best thing. Really? Yeah. Thamesling. I don't do it. I don't do it anymore.

And I was like on a... Because I used to live in West London, so I was always on this... It's near Goutopia. Maybe you've been to Gutopia. What's Goutopia? Huh? Right next to Loughbber Junction. I'm surprised you're not being. What is Gutopia? It's like a sort of a slime-based, immersive experience.

Wait, what the fuck? It looks very unhygienic. Why would I have gone to that? No, I was just joking, but I think Helen would be interested in Gootopia. Yeah, talk me through this. Do you go and make your own slime? Yeah, yeah, you make your own slime. Shut.

It's in like a warehouse. No, oh my God. Why don't people like their lives enough to stay home? Well, I think this is for children to be fair. Oh, right, okay. And adult for children's minds. Yikes. Oh my God, okay, so what we're looking at as a picture of loads of children standing around a goo

that is the size of a parachute. It looks like they're holding like the front jelly. bit of an eye. It's disgusting. Helen, I have so many things to tell you. I know. I bet none of them include you staying at home and being in your house. Well, actually one of them does. There we go. Because my

housemate came home and as you know, she's been on this podcast, Charlie Clive. Yeah, I was with her last night at the musical. Yes, you were. So, didn't she look gorgeous? Didn't she look beautiful? I know, they dress so well. Charlie, Emma Black, Ellen. I know, they're all hot stuff. It's just like fucking dressed up to the knife.

God, Rosie Jones was there with no. makeup on my fucking hero. Literally walked into theatre and like I actually haven't seen her in a couple of weeks but having dinner together on Sunday but I was like oh my god she's here amazing and I'm like thank fuck for Rosie Jones because I was like on the same row was like DeVina de Campo all perfectly made up oh my god and then Rosie was there like what I was like yes that's it you can always rely on one of the lesbians to show up to press night without makeup that's my girl that's my girl but no um she came home from a Charlie Clack

Clive came home from an event and she was like this girl was there and she was like oh I've heard you on two podcasts I really love and Charlie was like which ones and she was like oh um one I think was like the Gabby Roslin podcast and another and the other was like I know that other one you know the one you know the one oh she couldn't remember the name

and she's like oh gosh she was obviously like trying to name but she's like you know the one with a couple that are always fighting and I was so happy I was like sorry the what? And she'd just be like, oh no, one of them's dating my best friend who we live with. And she's like, no, she's like, no, the couple, the really, the really, the couple that are

always wrong. Passive, aggressive, lesbian couple. You know the couple that hate each other. It's that so funny. I was so honored to brother. People thought that we were in a couple anyway. You're honored. I'm honored.

Are you actually honored? I'm honored. Yeah. Oh my God. What a pleasure. Shut the fuck. That is so cute. Yeah, I thought it was really fun.

Do you want to rebrand? Should we call Ellen? Yes. Oh, she can. still be my, like, girlfriend, but you... I'm not up for a Polly relationship yet. Yet. Yet.

I don't... As someone who's never had a proper relationship, I feel like I can't go straight to Polly. Into the deep end. I don't know, maybe it would be better for you. Maybe it would be like less committal. But if I can't do one... Or is it more than commit.

That's not the problem. Oh, right. Okay, okay, okay. No one wants to commit to me. That's not true. Well, you just did. You haven't always been ready to commit because a lot of the time it's been like, you're a hot piece of ass and you've been like,

fuck off, don't say that to me. See, there's the problem. and they're in the problem wise. Now, the other thing to say is I and M were at a new gay bar in Hackney called La Camaniera. Not another one.

There's not another one. You've got to be joking me. We've got enough now, don't we? They vote in Hackney. But get this. You say that right, but Helen's... And there's not a lot. Wait, look at me, look at me.

that'll be out of business by the end of the men No but here's the thing It's actually the first lesbian bar In London that's opened in ages There's no lesbian bars There's lots of gay bars But Google that Andrew

It's true No it is actually true Female gay spaces are very rare Yeah there's a huge lack of In fact in most cities There's a huge lack Or no lesbian bars It's like a massive

They've been closing down for years But you guys have got the parks You've got the Lidoes It's not like a short place The gay men have the parks and the Lidoes Are you mad Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Okay, well, you've got all the ponds, all the wild swimming. Yes, that's true.

You've got the entire Thames. You've got the entire Thames. You've got all those, um, plates. All those, um, places where you go and you paint your own pottery and then you put it in the kiln. You know those are straight women. You know they are. Don't you fucking dare. Don't you fucking dare. Are you joking? Are you joking? They're hendu central. That's really bitchy Catherine. They are, she just got divorced or she's getting married. That's all it is. That's all men's called. It's lesbians decorating their housing. No way. They're have their own wheels. Lesbians have their own wheels. They don't need to go to places. I thought you said lesbians have O'Neils. Their own wheels. Although in Ireland they also have

own O'Neils. What is having a car got to do with making your own pottery? No, they have their own potting wheels. Pottery wheels. Oh. That makes way more sense. I didn't get that. I thought she was like, we've got our own cars. And it's like, what's that got to do with there. Also, I'll say it again, you shouldn't be driving. Until you need a lift somewhere. Until you need a lift or somewhere and then you're like, can you give me a little attitude? Okay, so speaking of, so we're at last... I'm sorry you're lacking in spaces and I'm sorry I said, not another one. No, it's very funny. May I go on? Yeah. Okay. So I get there 10 minutes before M and as soon as I get there, the table beside me has a

black cat with them and I'm like, they've brought a cat to the, like, honestly, to me that's the logical conclusion is like, that's, I was like, this is the gayest place ever with this table. brought their cat. Now it transpires to be a cat that the bar owns, which actually makes more sense. But it looked so like this table had brought their own cat

that I was like, this is too gay even for me. But it's gorgeous. Everyone who works there is, it seems like the protocol for hiring is haggies with buddies. But yeah, it's gorgeous. And we were there.

And this, I'm in a bare mind with a queer, in a queer space, trying to have a nice queer night. With a cat. With a cat that I don't enjoy but M's thrilled by.

overcomes this lesbian I assume better have been Izzy better have been and Izzy's like hi Catherine and I was like hi and she was like I'm Izzy and I was like hi Izzy

and she's like I love your podcast and I was like Izzy's not so cute and she's like I love Helen so much and I was like motherfucker and then she's like I listen to her off menu to fall asleep every single night and I was like I was like Izzy how much she's gonna fucking love that I came to a gay bar

had a lesbian come over to me to tell me that she falls asleep to the dulcet tense tones of hell and bearer i was so annoyed slay as he slay and it was really cute but also i was like can i have one homosexual evening without it being about hell and bearer no i can't you can't have one homosexual evening i've tried it doesn't happen well let's try again we'll go to one of the other ones no you'll be there no one there's no one there's no other one there's no one there's no one there's no one there's no one there's no one there's insane. Every overground, apparently

we could only go on the underground of the straits now because you own the overground. You just made me realize something. God forbid a heterosexual goes on the fucking orange line. It's not for you. It's not for you.

Thank God we claim the Lizzie line early on. You just brought up as such a dark memory for me. Do you know what happened? The very first night I slept with a woman. I woke up the next morning. I'd broken up with my boyfriend who told me that I wasn't by and I was like, I'm going to go out.

And I went to the only gay bar at the time that you could go to in Dublin. And there were very few women there. But I was there for 15 minutes. I went home with this Australian woman. and she turns out to be a football coach. She had two footballs. And then she had a football and two flags

tattooed over her vagina. The Irish flag and the Australian flag she was Australian. Incredible. She coached the Irish team question mark. I didn't expect them to be there. It was like dim lighting. I went down and I was like at those eyes.

The point is that I woke up from my first interaction and it was bad and I didn't have a great time and then she sort of like push me out, not push me up, but it was like, okay, bye, after she cried about her ex. And a classic lesbian intro.

But I get out there. I go home. I wake up with the worst hangover ever I'm like 19 and I know you've just reminded me that I had to go to an interview for a job at JD Sports yeah because you own that as well wow that is the most lesbian did you get out no it's shocker yeah I guess I showered so they couldn't tell just a bit of wordplay there for the clean sorry you didn't get the job it's okay and I'm sorry that um I don't understand lesbian space no that's totally fine but yeah listen there's a gorgeous barian hackney which is already

overrun and frankly you need to book a table so they don't need to promote it but well La Camaniera very nice La Camaneira very nice Isn't there one called like prima donna bar or something Is that one? Are you just making up gay names? No I feel like there is like in Dalston I don't know I don't go to Dalston

I wouldn't know I wouldn't know Yeah you should have I wouldn't know I wouldn't know where they are I don't think there is by the way Yeah that's probably right Bar Donia so not Prima donna Prima don't would be a better name Definitely rebrand guys Is it gay?

There's a prima donna cabaret at Bardonia. And is Bardonia a lesbian war? I don't think it's specifically a lesbian to his first boy gay. A lady led mescal changri-la is the description. Holy shit, yes, please. That sounds heterosexual to me, if anything. I want to go to that. Yeah, see, that's what I mean.

You want to go to that. That means that makes me feel like maybe it's not. Who knows? Did we do a show there? No, no, we did the, oh, the carrier. about the K-hole. K-hole. This is no longer good podcasting.

Anyway, just to check, zoos and aquariums are still straight. Hell yeah, they will always and forever will be. We're pro-animal rights. Me too. Uh-huh. My last little update from last week is that, aside from all the people

who are very kindly saying hello to me in gay bars, is that I think you'll have called it, I think you'll have known it, but just in case anyone was wondering. Wait, I know what this is. One, two, three. I loved matitude. I loved it.

It was actually great. Oh my God. So basically you go in and it's a very small room and there's six women and then this kind of like mean ex-ballet dancer comes in and bullies you with tiny weights for an hour. Wait, a different one. Different day, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's basically bar on the floor. It's not like, I thought it's going to be a Pilates workout, but it's more like a bar mat situation. And you have tiny little weights and they're like loads of pulsing.

Wait, so you're doing like bar exercises without a bar. whilst lying on the floor and standing using lots of tiny weights right but like it's like pulsing so you're like initially like tiny weights fine but then eight minutes into this pulse you're like I'm gonna fucking die but this ex ballet dancer's looking at you the whole time unblinkingly like what it's not even hard so you're like okay okay fine okay fine and I was terrified and did every single ex starts to be fair but it was tough but I loved it what's the playlist situation ooh or was it silence no it was music but it was like it was innocuous enough for me not to notice.

Okay. Next time could you tell me? I'd love to know if it was like full on ballet beats. I will check that. I should have paid attention but I was in so much pain obviously. A lot of like straddling like like, you know, like those like horsey squats, you know, like really low. What's the word I'm looking for like sumo squat and then like tiny pulses?

Oh my God. So you just squat and do that? Well, amidst other things. Yeah, yeah. But then other side of the spectrum last night I went to this thing called restorative yoga, which I didn't know what it was. And I just assumed it was like gentle stretching. That's what it sounds like, like bedtime yoga.

Right, right? No. Instead, we go in and this woman's like, has anyone worked with sound before? And I was like, no. And she was like, tonight is going to be a sound bath experience. I've seen this on the Kardashians. Kendall Jenner does them to reset herself. She had multiple drums. Yes. Some sort of stick that she shook. A rain stick? A singing bowls, three of them. Laid out on the mat is a.

like a fluffy rug with two blankets and this huge bolster. And you just lie down. There were exactly three moves. You lay on one side. You lay on another side and you lay on your back. There were 11 minute holes. You were expected, I think, to not fall asleep but I only did it every time.

But just before she began with the sound bath, she said, look, hopefully, usually everyone relaxes, everyone feels very relaxed. Occasionally. You might experience a feeling, a memory. what an emotion suddenly I'm tense obviously

but I'm also like I wonder if anyone would all cry if they did I don't know because of course I fell asleep from the second off also I'm a snores I'm like I wonder if I'm a snoring I don't hold on it

it was three moves it was a class where you go to nap question mark how much did you pay for it oh I just paid three credits on class pass it was like on discount I guess and then and then they're like and now I just make a gentle return

it's on which I don't know if you know that in East London Blugs there's no such thing as like a gentle return to They're just like floated at home and you're like, you go out and immediately somebody like coughs in your face or whatever. But it was honestly a miraculous. I didn't know you could just pay to nap, but you can. You can just pay to an app. Yeah.

And honestly, had it it cost more money, I would have gladly paid it. Holy shit. It was serenity. It was like phenomenal. But I couldn't believe it was like a build of the old glass. A sound bath. Yeah. And do you have to shower after it or are you technically?

No, you're clean from the sounds, I think. So, I hope. Because I haven't show it all week. yeah but a class you don't have to shower after hello oh no no it's so too no you wouldn't like you didn't sweat or anything like you barely you just lie down i have never had an hour of stillness in my life like it i obviously never stopped like it was amazing it was amazing yeah so it's been a real world i actually might be interested oh yeah so i've done sound bath restorative yoga i've done matitude and i've done calisthenics i've really been all over the map this week i know you

need to calisthenics um so we've already spoken to michelle but like when you said that i I was like, I thought that was Scientology. Oh, yeah, what's that called? There's definitely something in... Kineshetic? No, that kinesthetic is something else. What's the one where they measure your like sins, basically? I think it's definitely worth checking you haven't joined. Yeah, what is it actually?

Good point, because she seemed so nice. That's the thing, but Scientologists always seem nice. They're always smiling at me at Tottenham Court Road, being like, do you want to come and get a personality, tell? Oh, could you check what the one is for Scientology, in case I got Scientology. You'd know, because I think you'd have to buy the book.

Yeah, I'm just Googling. Don't buy a book. She gave us a book. Oh, no. Oh, what's it called? As well as spending time in saunas, Scientologists are required to do light calisthenics. No, but that's not what you mean, but that's just,

no. But there's the other word that they use for their measuring your, like, your goodness and badness. Entality measurements. But that's good that you didn't join. E meter. Maybe I've got this wrong. Maybe I'm getting confused with them.

No, I do know what you mean, though. Kineshetics? Kinesthenics? Isn't that like a science term physics kinesthetic? Like a... That's it. Someone who learns by doing.

Oh, right. Okay, thank you. What was I going to say? You're thriving. Dianetics. Dianetics. It wasn't that. It wasn't.

Few. Good. Okay, thanks. It's always nerve wracking. You go to an exercise class and you just don't know. What a relief. I know, I know, I know.

And also, that's how they'd get me. They would totally send out like an incredibly ripped lesbian. It's just, um, it's just exercising the park and I'd be like, fine you. Here's my email. Yeah. Put me on a mailing list. And the next thing you know,

never give people your blood type unless they work for the NHS. I do love to donate blood. Do you want to go donate blood soon? Yeah, okay. That'll be actually really nice. You should get the app, it's so fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Drain me.

Don't say that. Don't say that. No, don't say that. Empty me. We're not going together. Do you get to pick the vein? You're not going together. We are no longer going together.

I'll take the toe, please Oh, the toe Oh, listen, are we ready to bring on our guests? We are, we are, we are. Okay, I feel like I've talked loans today We haven't even heard of think about you Apart from your hair cut We've got, well, I'll take over in the extras

And I guess I'll just have the next three weeks Please, welcome to trusty hogs, the wonderful Michelle Brazier! Woo! oink oink frimbrum motherfuckers we're going on tour bristol's already sold out i can't believe that and we've got a new date for dublin and edinburgh and brighton are selling pretty well where are we going and when are we going there helen please we are going to bristol tenth of july if you got a ticket great if you don't you fuck it 17th of july we're at brighton at the forge comedy club i love it that me too i just did my tour it was amazing love it love love it come on homos get down there 12th of august we are at the edinbride for a monkey barrel. Tickets for that are going super super fast so please book if you want to come

and also come see our shows as well both on that day. Yeah, don't be rude about it. It was so lame not too. Wednesday 16th of October we are at London at the Clapham Grand. The Clapham Grand. Oh, it's a big boy so feel free, tell your friends, bring your friends, bring your aunts, bring your uncles, why not? I have to do a number there. That might be where we do

lame is, finally Andrew. Okay, 19th of September we are in Dublin at the Laft Lounge. That was rearranged, we're sorry about it. It was me. It was me. I had a job coming in. which then got rescheduled and Catherine doesn't know about that so I'm not actually could have

Wednesday 6th of November we are in Manchester at the Frog and Bucket I love Manchester join us in Manchester come see us book tickets right now and I'm not joking I love you so much

see you soon bye avoiding your unfinished home projects because you're not sure where to start Thumbtack knows home so you don't have to don't know the difference between mat paint finish and satin or what that clunking sound from your dryer is with Thumbtack

you don't have to be a home pro. You just have to hire one. You can hire top-rated pros, see price estimates, and read reviews all on the app. Download today. Michelle Brager, how are you? I'm very good. Thank you. Welcome. We were just talking before the podcast started about our love languages. Yes. I joke in my show that mine's gossip, but I'm listening to you guys and I don't actually know. So yours is probably words of affirmation, which we're going to give you some now. Yes. Michelle, beautiful, kind, funny. Thank you. Such a beautiful singer. Can I say intelligent? Yes. What a lovely nose. Thank you. I'm being very shallow. A lovely nose. What a smashed vagina. Thank you so much.

People will always forget to say that. And thank you for saying it. I'd love to say I haven't seen it, but I have seen you live. And so thank you. Thank you. She loves a high kick. The girl loves a high I love a high kick in a leotard. That's what I do. Yeah, and you can only do that if it's natched. It's a doit, so fair play. Thank you. I was thinking about leotards the other day.

Oh, yeah. Wait, I want, no, no, this happens every time. I ask a question and then, like, 74 minutes later, we were in the Himalayas, and I'm like, hello? Hello? Excuse me, your love language is. My love language is words of affirmation. I need little compliments. A little compliment.

You know, I want poet poems. I want like earnest. just like mountains of pros about like my eyes. I do. How do they do on that front? Good, good. Because they've learned. Do you know what I mean? It's the worst one. It's the worst one. You think? It's my girlfriend definitely. Oh yeah. And are you good at it? Okay. I'd say no. I'd say naturally I'm more of like a critical guy. Oh, cool. And so I've really, really, really worked hard for that not to be true anymore. And to remember, I see I

I'm such a dude. I'm like, I obviously thought that. But like, I forget to say it out loud. Oh, I say everything out. Like, if someone walks past me

in the street and they have a nice outfit, I'll be like, I'm sorry, excuse me, this outfit is really good. This color is great on you. Like, I just have to tell. No,

I'm really working on it and I'm doing better at it. Okay, good. But my natural way of giving love is gifts. Okay, that's good. But she doesn't need or want that. She's just like,

just tell me I'm pretty and nice. Oh. Why don't you give her gifts that are like, that say like just voice recordings of you that say you're pretty a nice fucking fair well I once wrote her a jar of compliments oh that's great yeah and that was a nice gift it feels like here's your lot for the year but it did I really felt like she looked at it like you're trying to get out of saying the things to me like I'm like just go there leave me alone

I'm saying nice things but receiving them is like what do you can't receive yourself I you have to train yourself to go thank you thank you that's so nice oh thank you oh thank you oh thank you that it's that it's just that it's not real that's what i do after shows it is yeah you just go oh thank you that's nice and then you remember i have an evidence log this is okay so i think listen i don't know whose approval i'm chasing there was a boy called trent kohelan in year seven and he called me crater face because i had acne because i hit puberty when i was six years old okay trend can fuck himself also what a uterus yeah i know yeah what six years old i got my period when i was nine i've been this tall since i was nine years old i got my period when i was

Really? Maybe even age, like, really young. It makes you crazy. You're hitting puberty. Yeah. Yeah, so you were probably the same as me. And so Trent Cahelan teased me. And I think that ever since then, I've been like,

somebody just tell me I'm enough. Somebody tell me I'm enough. Oh, what dear. I know, I would, you know what? I think he was just a little boy. And that's fine. Although I did use his real name in my book when I talk about this. Also, we were all babies at some point.

I don't think I ever caught anyone crater face. That is true. No, he did it. I was mean. That's early period starting. Amazing stuff. I was much smarter with it. I'd have been like,

oh my gosh, what's on your face? I was a real. Yeah, that's what I was. Oh, something's on your. Oh my God, that is nasty. Yeah, so much meaner, right?

It's so much mean. I'm just, I was thinking to myself, I was letting, I was admitting it because I was letting myself off the hook mentally when you said, like I'd never say something like greater rights and I wouldn't,

but I know that I would say something, but I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have, I wouldn't know that young me would have thought she was being like, I'm just asking a question, but like, you're a bitch. That's awful, Catherine. I'm admitting it and saying, I'm not like that I'm even...

No, and I'm proud of you for admitting it. I just don't want to pretend that I was like, I was like such a good kid. Like, I think I was like... Yeah, words of affirmation is not the way you give love. Yeah, sure not. But I also, yours is gifts and I... I love gifties. I just realized I think the reason I don't love gifts is I think I'm too critical.

I think like, I was made to be like no one's ever been great at giving me gifts, but I, but I often, with gifts, find, I get a little bit annoyed. like I feel like I know can I explain though she does she's rejected gifts from me before I've literally seen her I've given her something and then I've literally seen her like give it to Andrew to like get rid of well because the face is like the thought that counts right but sometimes I'm like baffled by the thought so baffled that I'm insulted to the point well you are like a crazy outlier for that but I just mean like I often get gifts and feel like they can be a real reflection of how little a person that loves you or like claims to love you knows you oh yeah I think that's very Very true. There are certain family members that I get gifts, but sometimes I deliberately will give gifts. So like my uncle who's very racist and doesn't believe in climate change, I every year will get him like something, not ice cues. I'll get him like a book by like an indigenous Australian author about like the history of Australia before it was invaded. I would just be like, I just think it would be interesting for you because, you know, you always talk about that stuff. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Which is my version of 60-year-old. So nice. Yeah. What's the worst gift you've ever been given?

This is to both of you. Oh. Oh. Because I don't think you can count any of the gifts I've given you as the worst gifts ever. Really? Because the glittery song, glittery, um, I'm translating into Australia song. The glittery flip-flop. Flip-flop.

My name is pretty bad. Really bad. What the fuck was that, Michelle? It was pretty bad. I would accept one and I would put it on my fridge. But it also came with like a lovely, like, poor, poor lip balm and a lovely bookmark. Like, and. The bookmark was hideous.

It was like hologramed. Yeah, and you turned it in the one bat smile. That's actually magic. Yeah, it was really, it was gorgeous. That's actually a gift of magic. But I just have loved the porpo. Like, two porpo's please, you know? Or even just one and just be like that's...

Was it like an Australian gift pack? Was that what it was? Was it like a memory of our time? Yeah, this year I got her like, yeah, not as much. The thing, nothing. The thing to say about the porpo or about the flip plop is it comes to an expectation. She'll come to your house and be looking for it.

Like, you have to keep it. Oh, my sister got me a lot. Oh, my sister got me a lot. lamp and you don't even have to say my sister got me a lamp yeah yeah yeah anyways yeah

never mind never mind but also it's like often the people who are trying hardest and I feel like I'm saying I'm the conned like it's often like people like my mother and my sweet girlfriend who like put so much thought and care and I'll be like really yeah but I'm the trash in that scenario so I don't like gifts because they make me anxious

the second I get when I get anxious because I'm very bad to pretend you should just pretend a good person would just pretend. Why can't I pretend? I feel clothes are the only one that make me anxious when people buy clothes because it's like it's so hit on it. Number one, will it fucking fit?

Yeah, like number two. It's just, it's not my vibe. No, just do not do it. Yeah. My,

I have a friend and she is very, like, she has like zero percent body fat. She's very, very tiny and she like runs for fun for an activity just for, for not going anywhere. And she will come. Do you run for fun? Yeah. She joined a club. Okay.

Oh, a run club? Yeah, I like running. Okay, I'm just going to speak to you. And I genuinely appreciate that. I don't do it for fun. I do it because, like, I do fundamentally. And I get up everything at the time I don't. Don't make this a mental health thing.

I was going to say, I never want to go. I never want to go. Okay. The first half is always hell on earth, but I do ultimately, it helps my brain. Listen, I think it does help everyone's brain. I'm just saying it's... I'm sorry to admit it. It's a crazy thing to do and I don't do it, so it's wrong.

Yeah. And as soon as I start running, I will try, I'll be exactly like you. I'll call you and I'll say, listen, we've got to start running. It's really good for your mental help. I discovered this thing. It's really good for you. So he's walking. Well, let me say, I wake up at 6.30 every morning and I meet my girlfriends and we go for

a walk on the trails in Melbourne with our dogs every morning. It's so nice. Is this on the tan? No, sometimes we do the tan and sometimes we do like Dites Falls. There's like lots of little inner city really beautiful. Every morning. I love it. And that's crazy.

That's my running. That sounds so charming. It's so nice. How do you get in late from a tour show? Oh, if it's like during comedy festival, then I try to go like 7.30 and push everybody, but some people have real jobs. So it sort of depends. But yeah, I try to go and then I'll nap later.

We just love outside. Yeah, and the mornings. We love morning. I want to do this. It's so nice. You should move to Australia and do it. No, no, I mustn't. I mustn't.

You mustn't. I mustn't. I mustn't. Okay. That is nice, though. I really like that. Yeah, it's very nice. So how many of you meet up?

There are like between four and six of us, depending on how. many of us are in town and it's like somebody's turned to get coffees every day so the idea is like you wake up at 6.30 the walk is at seven somebody's already at the cafe getting you a coffee so you cannot pull out it's really good yeah yeah but one of the girls is the runner tried to do this you tried and it didn't work before school and we'd like jog along the canal we were like 14 that's so nice but we ended it like four times yeah it's hard yeah it's hard you have to get into the habit anyway one of the girls I do this habit weird she's the runner and she's tiny teeny tiny lady And like, I'm not even like a very, like I think I'm a generally small person, but she will come and she'll be like, what are you wearing for X, Y Z? And I'll say, oh, I don't know, maybe this. And she'll say, well, I brought you these clothes because I think you could wear some of my clothes. And I'm like, I do not want to pretend like I'm going to try, like, I don't want to like get in, get one leg into one of your pants and like, oh, sorry, trousers.

Yeah, like, why? I just, I can't do this play with you. I can't be in this. Couple of questions. No, no, no, I know how to stop it. Drop me out. I'm not in the role. Number one, does she offer repeatedly? Yeah, but she means it. And she's a genuine good person. You have to say, yes, please, and rip an item in front of her to end it.

Otherwise, a cycle will continue. You've got to take her most prized possession. I know she's lovely. I know she's lovely. But you have got to ruin this. Like, I'm not talking to rip, don't rip on a seam. Okay. Like, get it on.

If it's fitting, do a couple of these. Like, really, fuck it up. She will never offer again. Couldn't you just say, hey, we're not the same size? I say it all the time. She says, you'd be surprised. And I say, little girl. That's not the same as we are.

You're a model. She's a fit model. Like, she's the person who, like, goes to brands when brands are making clothes. And they, like, she's the person who tries on the clothes to, like. But why would she leave them on out? Why do we have to pretend? No. Why do we have to pretend?

I don't know. It's crazy. But she's just like, we're the same size. I'm like, we're the same size. I'm like, we're not the same size. That's annoying. I do hate when people sort of, when you get a bit gasless.

You're like, we're not. And that's fine. That part's fine. It has to be okay that we're not. Yeah. But something in saying that we are seems to make it seem like it wouldn't be okay if we weren't.

And like it's like, oh, if I say I'm bigger than you. But it's like, no, I'm just object. That's like a fact. It's like saying the sky is blue. I know. It's like saying like. It's actually not.

It's nothing. It's nothing. It's the reflection of the ocean. Oh my God. That's so true. Yeah. Isn't that beautiful? This guy actually doesn't have a color.

Okay, well then I guess we're the same size if you just like look at your reflection through me. Go fuck yourself. You know what I'm saying? Like the sky's not up there being like I'm not blue. This guy's like, fuck yourself, I'm blue. Can I also say something on this, which is like, but the other way, like everyone's like everyone can borrow my clothes. But just because you can wear my top like a dress, doesn't mean it makes me feel good

to what you wear my top as a dress. Yeah, absolutely. I don't need trousers, do you have a belt? No. I don't. You can borrow a bracelet. Like, it's just, it's like, yeah, go fuck yourself.

Yeah. I agree. Women shouldn't share that. I've said it. Women need to stop sharing. Well, I will say this. I have moved into a house share recently. One of the major benefits is that there's a,

shall we say, honestly, collector of vintage dresses in my hands. And she, and dresses Charlie Clive, she has the most amazing walking wardrobe. And to be fair, she, Serena and I are not, such different sizes that we can't share

and the consequence is just like I don't shop anymore I just go up to the saline and that's what it's called because of cowboy themed it's amazing. It's amazing and she's just like what are you thinking? And the best thing is like I only go up there because it will fit and it's no of no comfort like and she has

a section that's like boyish stuff if Ellen wants to go boyish and girly stuff if Ellen wants to go girly but like you don't go in there and have to try on a bunch of shit she's just like just try this or like I'll be like I don't want, like, I'll just know from looking at it and it's like, that's fine. We don't have to pretend. That's what heaven is. It really truly is incredible and she styles on my shoes.

She just style John Tottenham's photo shoot for Edmren. He looks amazing in her pajamas. He looks amazing. But all of this is to say that that is valid because we are the same size, but it is like crazy making when someone's like, let's just try it. Yeah, and she genuinely thinks it. And she's one of the best people in my life. And so I don't want to be like, stop.

Yeah. And does she have a nice dog? Yeah, beautiful dog. Because you have a gorgeous stuff. Oh, baby, rip it. You've got to rip it. I have a beautiful dog. You do have a beautiful dog.

I'll rip the dress and I have a beautiful dog. I'll get the dog to eat the dress. Oh my God, I love that. Although I don't think Eva would ever eat a dress. She's never. She's so cute. We met her in Edinburgh, in Melbourne. Melbourne.

What's this I hear about her having a job? She has a job. Yeah, she has a job. She's a guide dog ambassador dog. Yeah. Which is kind of like being a promo girl. I know. So she's not even a guide dog.

She's just like, hey, are you blind? and I get a dog for you. Yeah, that's where she's pimping out. She's pimping out other dogs, handing out like frisbee's. She's so toxic. Yeah, I know. And I love that. And I love that for her.

It's very powerful. So what does she do? So she trained as a guide dog, but she was too friendly. And so they made her an ambassador guide dog. And I'm an ambassador for guide dogs in Australia. And they were like, do you want this ambassador dog? Because my old, I had this beautiful rescue Staffie and he had just passed away. And they were like, this ambassador dog needs a home.

I know Staffie's the best They're big smiles They're huge smiles I know that's silly big heads silly big heads They're big heads They're big heads They're so loyal

They're like I know dogs are loyal But they're like crazy Okay so fun fact about them Being so loyal Staffies are very loyal A lot of dogs are really really loyal Labradors and like all retrievers

The reason that they're so good at being guide dogs is because they are not loyal They will just take that love they have for you And put it on to someone else So they like can be raised and trained by somebody else for a year and then be like oh this is my client great let's go let's go

let's go oh the ultimate PR girl isn't that crazy wow they just love everyone yeah and they will still love their original owner but they're just like yeah I love you guide dogs or polly I'm saying it I love that as an ambassador for the brand and why shouldn't they be that's beautiful yeah it's beautiful I'd like to apologize no do you know what um this morning and this will get into it but this morning I went for my first so my girlfriend's on a football team I don't need to explain that brag one of the people on the football team is trying to be a PT okay don't need to explain that this morning Ellen's really wanted to be doing calisthenics for a while so this morning this trainee PT took us for a session an hour session on calisthenics and it's all like functional fitness

like you hang off bars and like her body's insane and the stuff she was explaining was like I was like Oh my God, this is why. Wait, wait, define functional fitness. So things like pull-ups, push-ups, pushing it. Like, basically all of it's to make you, make your body operate better, recover better, function better. So, like, it protects you from injury. It's, like, more about, like, making your body work for you. Like Pilates and yoga and things like that.

Yeah, exactly. But it will, but it's essentially about, like, movement that is not hurting your body, but, like, using the right muscles in the right ways. Okay. And so you'll see all of the guys who, like, hang out of the bars in the park are doing calisthenics now they're making TikToks

and making TikTok yeah and it's basically all the stuff you did in the playground as a kid that was so easy like turning yourself upside down or like pulling off bars or doing the monkey bars but now you're like how the fuck does everyone do that wait wait we didn't all find the monkey bars easier at school are we

oh I think I did by it also was this tall and I want to be clear that I was this tall the whole time I just did like I mean I remember used to be like able to like throw myself upside down like you know like on a bar and that kind of thing we were now it's like how would I even begin to do that how would I go upside down yeah exactly how would I do a forward role I went because I went to like drama school and we I did musical theater yeah and I apologize for doing that what talent having an orgasm me and Andrew just got excited and I we I remember like the choreographer from Billy Elliott came in and was like you guys how like teaching us how to

do like all these like forward roles and like shoulder stance and stuff which is essentially just like your shoulder takes your entire weight as a must and I was like how am I support how or all of the people in my class were just like yes and just like rolling around and I was like what the fuck is happening like how are we doing this I've never felt so clunky in my line let me think of it Ellen did I um like a play in the open air theater in region's park and day like four of rehearsals went into she was playing um maybe Marian in this version of Robin Hood where she transformed by to actually be Robin Hood. Spoiler.

Anyway, she goes into these six week rehearsals and first of all, it's all on like a raised stage, like up trees level. It's so high and she's scared of heights. So she has to spend every morning going to a playground before kids get up to climb up to the top of those bar things to practice being up high.

That's so nice. It's the sweetest thing I've ever heard. Secondarily, they are like four days in and they get this dance coach in and they're like, okay, so we're all just going to start by just cartwheeling across the room and the marketing team were in that day and so were the um the like the managers of the space basically all the like admin people were in that day and they were like everyone joining and she's like so first of all like the dancers cartwheel across then like the actress started

cartwheel across then like the admin stuff all this cartwheel across then like the like a woman who was like in her 70s cartwheels across like oh everyone everyone's fine with that admin everyone's and then eventually it was just her and this one of their actress left and they were just looking at each other was like, I'm going to use it. And they were like, and they got, last, and everyone's watching. And they like, could do it across. Like, they obviously can't do it. They get put on their own mat.

They get put on their own little special mat. So my point is, you weren't the only one. It's just that there's only one in each fucking group of actors. I think you can't do it. But I can't do it. Oh, it was so awful. It was so awful. That's why I love doing comedy because everyone thinks I'm such a good dancer and I'm so flexible.

But if I'm in music theater, everyone's like, what a glump. Like, what an absolute. But also like a forum amidst actors as a tanning comedians. Yeah, I think so. Let's be honest. Let's be really honest. What a glum. What a glum.

Have you seen the state of that gulmph over there? Like my dance teacher was always like, Brazier, your ass is out on Sturt Street. Like every, he was just like, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, we went to Australian in there. Brazier, your ass is out on Sturt Street. What's Sturt Street? Like, it was a street that was like next, like, that we were on. And it just meant that I was like,

sticking my ass out that I wasn't like tucking my pelvis in ballet like it was all just like oh brisier give it a wrist go and get us a diet coke and I like go and get him a diet coke and come back and be like sorry of course it was a man of course it was a man yes he was he wrote a like a master like what do you do your doctor a thesis he wrote a thesis on like tap dab dancing I know you're gonna say I'm body shaming no but like he could have this is my favorite subject of all time please tell me everything about this drama school he's just oh my got the drama school was the whole thing was wild no I didn't go to NIDA but I was okay so we have NIDA WAPA VCA and the Arts Academy did you go to Wopper of them I went to VCA and the Arts

Academy so I have friends who went to all of them I think that the worst one is VCA in my personal opinion that was my worst experience yeah and I think it produces the worst egos like I loved it I had the best time in my life but I think the worst bit of me are from VCA yeah yeah yeah we had one time One night, we were doing this song that's like, it's not how you start, it's how you finish, wow. And it was like, do you know that song? And we're doing all the Corey and it like, um, like gets faster and faster and faster. Is it about sex, that's all?

I don't even know. I don't remember. I just remember like, and we were doing it as a group number. I assume it's about sex. And we're all doing it. Do you know what? It was the least horny thing that's ever happened to me. So maybe not.

Okay. But we're doing it like faster and faster and faster. And every time somebody made a mistake, the drama teacher would turn the heater up one degree, make us all run down the staircase then run back up the staircase and then go again isn't that isn't that the most save the last dance it's very fame it's very you start paying in sweat yeah very fame yeah and i was like this rules i was 18 i was like this rule are you kidding i would have loved that i loved it i was like you'll never make it if you can't handle this i still have a thing that like goes on in my head when like i see a comedian turn on the audience and be like well this worked and blah blah blah fuck you guys i'm

like you just have to sell it you actually just have to sell it actually grow up because you I actually just have to sell it actually. Like I just, I really flip into it. Keep smiling. Yes. Tits and teeth. Bitch, get over it. They've paid.

I don't care if they're making it on cups. I really like, I will flip into it. You should be giving me 100% all the time. It's 110% is what I'm looking for. Serve it. They don't get sick. Actors don't get sick. Fact.

I remember sitting with a spew bucket in class and the teacher being like, this is a girl who knows. This is a girl who knows. This is pre-COVID, obviously. But I'm like, he's like, actors don't get sick. She's turned up. They were like praising you. me for spewing in the corner.

I went to drama school and we once had a voice coach who like day, maybe like the third or fourth day we were doing the same warm-up that he did and his warm-up was like, it's two-hour class and his warm-up took about 35 minutes of the class. That's what I would do if I was a teacher. All vocal alignment, right? And he, I like went the wrong side for, like I started on the left instead of the right for this one. And he said to me in front of the last he was like, how have you not got this by?

now. Oh my God. I thought you were smart and I stood up and walked out and I was like, I am. I left. I was like, no, you can't speak to me like that. Well done. You actually did that? Of course.

You're incredible. But I, that's how I was, I, I couldn't believe he was even thought it was acceptable to speak to me like that. And then he had it in for me the whole time and we like kind of came to arguments about it. But like I, I was, I was older than a lot of people there. Yeah. And I was just not used to anyone thinking it wasn't, I was like, you won't get

anything out of me. Like that's just, you have to be yourself. respectful, I would be respectful to you. I got like this also. But I couldn't believe how would everyone else thought, everyone else thought I was like, yeah. Wow, she doesn't get it. Yeah. And I was like, she's not here for the craft.

But then, but I, by, they broke me. I will say this. The way you're right, you're right. But you know what? They ultimately broke me. And it meant that I went into comedy with a, like, with an attitude of like, thank you. And I feel like I've finally just recently gotten back to, oh, you actually can't treat me like that.

Oh, wow. So I think my journey was. like in a different direction. So I went to VCI. With reference to nothing specific. Okay. I went to VCA when I was 18 years old. And I was like from the country,

I'd move from Wagga Wagga, Wogger, Team Pregnancy Capital of Australia to Melbourne. Everyone in my class was old. It's in New South Wales. Yes, I'm not pranking you. And it is in New South Wales. Well done. I googled it the other day.

I'm not joking. I randomly Googled where Wogga Wogger is. Yeah. It's fantastic. Halfway between Sydney and Melbourne. It is. Yeah. In the middle of all.

No way. No. It kind of all is. Yeah. Yeah. I can tell you this, so Geraldine Hickey is about to go do a show there. She is. She's doing a show.

They have a comedy festival. It's very sweet. Great. Yeah. So I had moved there. I was 18. Everyone in my class was like 23, 24. And I was like, just a baby.

So I did exactly. It's in Melbourne. Or Australia. Or Australia. Or Australia. Melbourne. It's in Melbourne. Certainly.

It's in Melbourne. So I did, I like, I got there and I was like giving everything. And then they were like, go and get some life experience. You're not ready for this. And I was like, but I gave you everything. And I let you break me. I like I sang lost and found from City of Angels which is like a sexy song and they gave it to me and I sang it and the teacher this like like man it's like lost and pounds really like jazzy

and she's like lost her you were 18 I was 18 she's like it's like um so na na na na na na na na na na we could raise halibet like it's really like kind of got lost and fat like it's like really like slutty Samantha Jones but and I was like yeah okay yeah give me this song and then we just trying to prove that I was just a kid right they were just being like yeah give this to the kid see what happens and I got up and I gave it my absolute fucking best and then the teacher was like I don't feel it and he was like crawl on the ground but he's like this like 70 year old gay man that I really admire and I was like okay yeah I love the challenge yeah it was fucking awful and then so everything about the process is debasement it's awful they just

break you on and then he took me they just sent me off into the world but like you don't have enough life experience come back in a year I went off took this year. I, what did you do to get like a experiment? Dude, I, I got kicked out of drama school. And I, they said, come back in a year. As soon as I got kicked out of drama school, I was in a house fire. I had to learn to walk again. I had third degree burns on my legs. Had to learn to walk again, like nearly lost my leg. My dad got diagnosed with cancer, then died. And then I came back and I was like, I actually don't think that I want to go back to the same place. And that's why I went to the arts academy. Because I was like, I can't be with those people. And then I was the older person who was

like, ugh, these people are so annoying. And the teachers would be like this. And I'd be like, no, you need to respect me. I'm an artist, actually. Michelle, I'm going to give it to you. You got a life experience. I got some fucking life experience. That's how you do it.

And for any, for any young budding artists out there. Stop that fire, bitch. You're told to get life experience. I have a special. I'm Paramount Plots. That's how you're fucking do it. It's not just one event, you've got to triple down on it. I love how Australian comics are, I'm Paraman Blots. Don't worry about it.

Oh no, I'm so sorry about your dad and I'm so sorry about your leg. It's okay, it's fine. It's all good. It's not fine, it's awful. It is awful. You've got so much life experience. And then the next drama school.

Yes, and then I went in there and I was like... And then I did three years of musical theatre. After that, all that trauma you went for musical theatre. Yeah, and that's where I met Aunty Donna. I was up there. I fucking love this for you. Thank you. I appreciate that.

And I was like, I'm not doing that. And I would, yeah, that was the school where I was like, don't speak to me like that. I like words of affirmation. And like encouragement, you'll get better work out of me if you respect me. Like, I was just like, not this. I wasn't even like I'm an artist. I was just like, I'm a person.

I was a real welcome. I was also like, it was breaking my back to, I was working every hour around you to pay the fees. And so like, I was like, you don't, I'm killing myself to be here. Like I absolutely, and I want to be. But like, you don't remotely get to be like, I, the thing is, the problem with me was, I had worked a service industry job since I was 15. Karen Millen. So I was like, yeah, and like I worked nights at the airport in, like, by selling bus tickets, like, I was like, you're paying for, I really was like, the client.

Yeah. So I felt really like enraged by it. Yeah. But also I hated my drama school. So that's not. I so wanted to go to drama school, but I was a nepo baby. So I got drama school for free from the age of four. Her mom ran a drama school from the living room.

Oh my. Yeah. I'm at our school of drama. I love that. That's beautiful. So like, I kind of had free access to it, four to a little. 18. Congrats.

Yeah. How was that? My accolades, love to list them. Go on. Okay. Annual winner at the Woodley Festival. I've got probably about 200 gold silver medals from there. Yeah, a couple of bronzes, but that was the group dragging me down, a hundred pea.

Not for my solos. And is this dancing or monologues? Oh, this is just, I was in the groups that would go around, like, read poems and, like, do, like, a Shakespeare piece by myself. That's so British. I wondered lonely. the cloud kind of vibes. And, oh, more than that, sweet enough. And I did the Bristol-Istedtford each year,

which is the bigger one. Not always a winner there, but always with a distinction marks. Yes, Guildhall, speech and drama, exams, grades 1 to 8 group and solo performance. And obviously, the, once every two years, we do the Ann Bauer School of Drama Showcase at the Harleington Centre and Fleet. Later years did not sell as well into U-Shot Village Hall.

you shot but yeah did really well and I didn't need drama school at the end of that they were like there's nothing we can teach you do you want a job here

your mum's taught you everything you can improv anything I just improvved secret eating ungrateful daughter and they're like it's perfect that's all you need that's all you need but you've had training

basically you've had training have you done oh no please Catherine I've got so much more to say please have you been in a musical I have been in a musical. What's your baby musical that you've ever been in?

Legally Blonde. Who did you play? Elwoods. In Australia? I played L. Woods, yeah. I played L. Wood. We love Legally Blonde. We went to see it here at the Open Air Regents Park Theater.

I love it more than Catherine does. I love it more than Catherine does. I took Catherine. Wait, you played L. Wood? Where was it on? So this was like in 2015. This is how I met my partner. Because he was playing Warner Huntington the 3rd.

Oh, my God. You didn't get with him. And I got with him. You tried with him. You traded to the feminist cause. I'm sorry. You traitor. Emmett was gay.

Of course he was. Of course he was. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You guys. This is the best job in the world. It is. Question. Question. Have you seen the search for the new Elwood,

the MTV reality show? I have, yes. Isn't it one of the best things on TV? It's incredible. Do you not find a painful to watch? Yes, but I also, like, I am awful. I am like, I go, oh, come on, oh, a little bit flat. Like, I am such a fucking cunt.

I'm really nice in real life, but if I'm watching someone sing, I'm like, oh, didn't get it. Like, I'm such a, last night I went and saw a play. The actress was incredible, right? She was amazing. And after it, my friend turned to me and she went, she does that eight shows a week. And I said, that's easy.

It's a job. And I did it. It just came out of my mouth. And I thought she was incredible. That's the drama school coming out of you. But it's just a job. Grow up. Like, I just.

it just fell out of my mouth and I was like pretended I was joking but I meant it in the time I meant it in the moment I really get it I really get it's a fucking job I could do it let me do it it's funny isn't it yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah some things just you don't mean to but then you reveal yourself which is like why I was trying

to be honest about my six year old self earlier wow wow it's really bad do not call a woman a six year old more importantly greater face because she will come for every woman she's ever met since then Crazyest musical production you ever did Like most obscure musical You're like this can't be an actual musical

Okay, I did Children of Eden This is my first professional What's Children of Eden? Children of Eden was written by Stephen Schwartz Is it based on a cult? It is based on two different books in the Bible Here we fucking go It is a cult

Yeah, yeah Yeah, one of the oldest And it's like I My understanding of it Is that Stephen Schwartz wrote this when he was on his way to Wicked like when he was on his way to write Wicked because the harmonies are so rich

and these all these like incredible female characters but also the story is from the Bible it doesn't make that much sense and like it's incredibly difficult to stage because it has like in the book it's just like and there are like bears and rabbits hundreds of animals flood the stage and there's a boat

like one of them's about like Noah's Ark and it's like there's a big boat and like God's there and the guy who's playing God He was like this legacy Australian actor and he, he was sort of starting to lose it a bit. Maybe losing his hearing or lose. I don't know what was going on. Okay. But it was like, all these.

God was a hearing complaint. God was like losing it. That's the classic complaint of God. Are you like, are you hearing this guy? I was like, sorry. I think method. Maybe you were method. He went method because it was like, there's bits that are like, and God said.

And he just wouldn't walk on. He would just be gone. He would just not be in his entrance. Not very omnipresent of him. I know. He was really, really, really funny. And I played, I played like the wife of Kane or Abel. I can't remember.

It's an important distinction. I think Kane was single. Was it Abel the only one that got married? I don't know. I don't know. But that's cute that you know. I don't know. I don't know.

Wasn't one of them single? I don't know. Which is single? He's the males. And is he still in the garden? What's he wearing? Okay, that's a quite out there musical. It's really weird.

But the music is beautiful. And Stephen Schwartz came to Australia and, like, worked with us. And I was like, wow, that's like, you wrote, like, Pocahontas. And you wrote, like, this is crazy. And you're here. But I'd be like, trying to make new things. But I was like, I don't think this show is your best. Yeah.

Oh, you said that to him, did you? Yeah, I was really brave. And I just said it. And I hope he's listening. Hey, Stephen. He's so incredible. They call you Steve. Yeah.

I have some notes. I'm 19. We've let the time run away with us. Before we get into the problem, what kind of, I know, we could talk to you. all day. I literally halfway through my questions. I can keep asking.

It's so nice to have you here. Guys, also by the way, you must go see Michelle in Edinburgh because I think that you are one of the most naturally gifted phenomenally, phenomenally,

phenomenally, phenomenally, like absolutely mesmerizing performers. Agreed. It's so confusing to me when you do comedy because you're honestly such a good singer

that when you are then funny as well, I'm like, where's the need? Why do you have, it's like, it's like. Crate to face. That is the need. That's the need.

it's like you're so good at both why do but it's so it's so incredible to watch but so obnoxious as a as a peer you're like we get it you could do it all then she's dancing and she looks gorgeous anyway looking go see her show and everyone wears it's very kind i know it's in gilder balloon um and it's at i think seven or seven 30 p m what's your show called imagine it's called legacy you would do it i would i'd be like 730 a m let's get up girls i've already had my walk let's bring your smoothie so seven or seven 30 gilded and it's called legacy legacy yes and it's how many years have you been going to the fringe i have been going to the fringe now i think this is my that's what i thought you said before that's

pretty amazing yeah pretty amazing very um of the divas to do a show called legacy on your 10th year i know and i have like a poodle in my poster yeah i was just so just because i have i have hair like yours but i straightened it a lot and i was so desperate to do a curly head shoot with a bunch of poodles and my manager could only find one single poodle fire your manager because all Well, everyone was like they're out of season. They're not in show cut because they're out of season. And I was like, what are you talking about? They're out of show cut.

But they're like they're out of season. Yeah, they're out of season. What are you talking about? Like the poodles like they let them grow or whatever. Like they're not in the like fancy hair cut. Yeah, but we were just in show season here. And what is the show season different? Well, this was like, the seasons are different there.

Cross just had its winner announced like three weeks ago. And I took the photos a while ago. And when I was taking the photos, they were like, no, there's just none in season. And I was like, what the fuck is going on? Like, what, we're not talking about rhubarb. What are you talking about? I know, I know. It was like, can you just get, like, import one from Spain or something?

Like, there has to be one. This is why we've taken so long to get to the problem because you're, everything you say has layers. And layers and layers and layers. Also, where are the poodles? I'm just thinking, I never see poodles. Do you know what? They're locked up in dark rooms and people are making them fuck like retrievers and Spaniels. Oh, yeah, that's true.

And people just, do you know what? If you want a poodle, get yourself a fucking poodle. like grow up Yeah I do agree Get a real dog Yeah if you don't want to see how the sausage gets made Then fucking get out of it Yeah I do agree

Now listen What kind of advice giver are you Really I'm perfect Yeah Okay I think that tells us a lot Let's have the hardest problem in our inbox please Andrew we have the perfect advice giver Please give her the most difficult problem

Okay we I think this is a tricky one This is an am I the asshole problem Oh yeah fine falling asleep around your girlfriend's friends okay hi trusty hogs me female 26 and my girlfriend female 28 have been together for seven months and I've been arguing about the same issue over and over here we go whenever we're with her friends usually hanging out at her friend's house it gets to a point where I get tired and start to drift off I'm obsessed with her I should stress this is when I when it gets late and some people brackets me would be in bed. She says this is really rude and it looks like I don't care. However, I always put in a lot of effort with her friends early on in the evening, which isn't really returned, by the way. Brackets, her friends don't ask me any questions about myself and I feel a bit invisible around them. They tend to just talk to each other and I think even my girlfriend

struggles to get the word in. She prods me when I fall asleep and tells me it's rude, but I feel like her friends literally don't care anyway. Can I please have your thoughts on this from a sleepy lesbian who just wants to go to bed. I respect this so much. I love this. This is so funny. This is not helpful. Being like this is so funny, I respect and love this. It doesn't actually solve the problem.

There's no problem here. What's the initial sleep? S. Okay. May I go out on a limb? Yes. Have you heard of coffee? Because I think this calls for an espresso martini. Espresso martini, definitely. It's like, you need to have that made before you go like that's ridiculous i have more questions though like i have more questions than i'm

yeah what time is it yeah what time is it is it 2 a m because i'm you assume like 9 p.m this past maybe works early in the morning because there's a point to which like you could stop yourself being rude by leaving right like you could be like oh i will leave at 11 but i'll be absolutely quality company until then this is my big thing i hate it when people turn up and they're like i'll come and then the whole time they're like mm-hmm and then they they will like if you have a partner and they do the like one hand on you to be like I'm tired I used to have a partner like yeah and I was like you can fucking go yeah you can go I don't need to go stop dragging down stop making me do all the work for you and be like oh oh no he loves it he's tired yeah yeah yeah just go just go but also

I think it's totally funny if you say to your partner in advance hey I'm gonna come but I'm probably going to leave a 10 but I'm gonna be I'm gonna give it socks until then yes rather than staying to a point that you fall asleep I do get why your partner thinks is rude especially because it's interesting that you say you fall asleep around her friends it seems distinct from your friends which makes me think you're not narcoleptic and I would say

if she isn't getting a word in edgeways that's not really a reason to be like that might be a reason to be like hey how do you find this to you what does it make you feel rather than like it being justification of your own like opting out mentally

true it's the perfect pairing people who just want to talk about themselves and not ask anyone any questions was someone who's going to fall asleep. Don't you think it's like, leave it? There is not a problem here. But obviously her girlfriend does feel like there's a problem. No, she'll learn to embrace it and realize how amazing I love.

I think it is embarrassing as the girlfriend. I'm reading that the girlfriend is like embarrassed that I feel like the girlfriend really wants to impress her friends. Maybe her friends have higher status than her. They're not asking her any questions. They're not asking her girlfriend any questions. They're not letting her like talk that much. So she already has the lower status.

Then she's like, I'm bringing my girlfriend. girlfriend you guys all love my girlfriend right and they're like mm-hmm we love that girlfriend of yours who goes to sleep all the fucking time yeah it's like for your girlfriend you should stay away yeah you have to like you yeah you have a responsibility to like you do a little bit in all fairness but it is such a funny it's so funny but also I think like they have shit like I think it sounds like your girlfriend is shitty friends but like I do love the idea like if I had a partner that would always go to sleep in social occasions like I would love that I had a friend called Angus and he would always full asleep after two drinks and we always had like house parties

and he would be there and he would always fall asleep with his hands sort of like cupped like as if receiving communion and so we would always like just take photos and do a photo shoot of like different things in Angus's hands like the Twilight series a trumpet

photograph of Reverend Wilson in a frame like just like nice like nice activity and you know I think usually like they should make the most of it and they should learn to see the positive in it and they should put things in your tiny little hands Maybe if you offer up your hands next time you go to sleep, that would be nice.

I think you have to have a nap in advance and a coffee or an espresso martini before you go. And I think they make them in cans now. Like that can be your drink. And I think that you or you need to say like this is the point to which I am good till. So just to advance warn your girlfriend. Yeah. You'll be leaving she doesn't need to. Yeah, you don't need to leave together.

Couples stop leaving together all the time. Yeah, I also think the framing, I really do agree. The framing of this seems to be do I have to bother staying awake for these people when the only person it seems like you should stay awake for and the person who I definitely think you should do for is your girlfriend. Yeah.

Yeah. So funny just to, I'm just like picturing all these girls in a ballet. I don't know, let's get more reason. I do also quite like the idea of being like just like to check in because I don't think we're asking enough.

We don't know enough to not like to rule out. We don't know enough. You may be needing to go to the doctor. that is true but also i'm when it because did she say she's 36 and her girlfriend is 20 she's 26 and her girlfriend's 28 oh 26 and 28 i thought one was 36 and one was 38 and i was like because that's like you can be sleepy at any age you can be sleepy at any age but if i had to hang out with a bunch of people who were like because if you're 28 then maybe some of your friends are 25 yeah and if i had to hang out with a bunch of people who were like more than six years younger than me i would also maybe

go to sleep. Yeah, I do hear that. Just to drown out the sounds of their youth. I do get that. I really do. But here's what I'll say is my girlfriend's five years younger than me and she is a much more able to drink more than I am to stay up later than I am. I would instinctively, she doesn't get hangovers I do. Okay, she does, but not to the same extent. I'll get them after two drinks. I would gladly be in bed by 10 o'clock every single night, which means that I don't go to everything. Yeah. And that's fine. Yeah. But if I go, you can't go. You can't go. with an attitude that's like, well, if I can, like, if you can even go with an attitude of I'll be conscious. I agree. This is what my pattern and I have a rule. He's like, come on. We say that,

okay, so it's like, it's called the Titanic rule. I call it the Titanic rule. And I think if you're not going to sink, you don't need any lifeboats. You don't take enough lifeboats just for a show. Like, you're not going to sink or you're going to sink. You don't like wishy-washy it and be like, well, we might, we're probably not going to sink. We'll take a few lifeboats. Not enough for everyone. How the fuck are we here? Because they didn't bring enough lifeboats for everyone because they were like, it's an unsinkable and it's like, then why did you bring even one single lifeboat?

Yeah, you either bring enough for everybody or you know that it's fine. So I'm like, you go, you fucking go because you have the spoons or you don't fucking go. What's spoons? Energy wise. Lifeboats. Yeah, you have espresso martinis. Yeah. Do a cartwheel.

Grow up. I'm, I am grown. Come on. Like, I just think like you're all in or you're not all in. Okay. So if you go, you're all in. And if you don't, then. you die you pass away you pass away you should be put down like why do i have to bring you when

you're weighing a whole team down it's so many and then everyone has to i dated this person once that was like literally the entire relationship was like me throwing them a ball then like catching the ball then like throwing it on the ground and then me walking back over to them picking the ball back up walking back to my spot and throwing it to them again and going maybe this time like i don't want that energy at my friendship circle gatherings sorry i'm just thinking about a previous relationship what sort of ball yep no wait Okay, so you only go to a gathering if you're all in. But it sounds like they'll never be all in with this group of women.

But you're all in for your girlfriend. But if you're all in for your girlfriend, then you go and you have to be conscious for three hours. Nobody likes every single one of their partner's friends. No. Because no one's partner even likes all of their friends. They're just the people they have now. Yeah.

Let's say our least on this favorite friend. No. Oh my God. Okay. Okay. One, two, three. Helen I'm kidding

Obviously I'm kidding That was just the obvious That was the joke That was a funny It's a funny That was a funny That was a set of a pint And I'm really sorry about it

That was so funny That's why I don't bring any lifeboats To your house Huh? I don't understand the analogy I wasn't clear on my explanation But it just means you're all in Or you're not in

When did the spoons When did the spoons So spoons is something that people say I don't know if this is an Australian saying Of like I just don't have the spoons I don't have the energy right Yeah I don't have the energy I don't have the, yeah, and I think it's also something that like the neurodivergent community uses to say, like, if you, like, existing in a world where like everyone has a knife and fork, you're trying to eat, but you only have a spoon. Or like some people with a disability and they're like, oh, I feel like I only have a spoon and like I'm running out of spoons. Like I don't have the spoons for it. My friend told me this. But it doesn't link to the Titanic. No, it's not about the Titanic unless you want it to be about the Titanic. And then it's like, okay, like how many little tiny baby pigs do I have? How many tiny little baby pigs do I have?

There weren't any animals. There weren't any pigs in the Titanic. Exactly, and that's what I'm saying. Yeah. I am now lost. Even I'd say, even I'd say, for me now, the, I was with you on the lifeboat, but I had to do a little bit of my own logic, like, I had to do some of my own, like, working it out, but I got there. No, it's really clear.

And the spoons, I didn't do, like, I contextually got it. I went with the vibes. Well, someone told me about a sense of it. For sure, and I thought, I thought, I could guess, I can pause. Okay, I feel like I'm being bullied. But the pigs, I don't understand. Let me put it in a more clear way. Have you seen a pig and thought.

pigs now yes yeah huh yeah see it say it say it sort it I've been here for too long now we're right now I do want that explained to me afterwards I can't help you I was being silly yeah there's no um and I know you were legacy seven 30 to enjoy it you're so beautiful and fit and funny and talented and gorgeous and good thing us Michelle, won't you? There were nights when the wind was so cold.

Not you, not you, not you. Not you, not you, just Michelle. No, I'm too scared, I'm shy. Why, we... That could have been so nice. Michelle, just Michelle. Hey! She is such a beautiful thing

and why couldn't you let me have it? I think we both sung that very well. I think we did it, the most beautiful duet of all time. You're going to be able to be. At Arizona State University, we made online education better, smarter, and more personalized, so you can go further in your aspiring field. I decided to pursue medicine once I realized that ASU did have the online program for biological sciences. You're still required to learn the same curriculum.

You're still being tested on the same content that anyone would be tested on in person. The comprehensiveness of the program prepared me so well for medical school. Explore over 350 plus programs at asuonline.asu.org.org.